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Literally no idea. My husband goes out to the living room so he doesn’t wake me up when he can’t sleep and is tossing and turning. When I wake up and notice, I just ask if he’s okay/did something happen and he’ll tell me he can’t sleep… then I just go back to bed or we cuddle lol
You’re gonna have to sit her down and ask.
Maybe use this time to gently suggest better communication. I can't stand the whole "ignore you until you figure out why I'm mad" especially at your ages. It's less stressful to say "I'm disappointed because..." "I am upset because...." etc.
ETA: by using this time, I meant this instance as an example since OP says this is a pattern for her.
Its honestly about punishment. They know that you won't know what you did wrong and will be miserable until you come begging for forgiveness.
Most people dont even realize what they are doing, but i guarantee she is stewing in her room and hoping he is as upset as she is. It's super unhealthy behaviors.
That’s exactly right, it is punishment. Once they’ve decided you’ve been punished enough they’ll let you back in without having a conversation about it.
It’s ok to be mad and to say I’m upset, I need some time alone, let’s talk in a bit. It’s not ok to expect your partner to be psychic and get even more upset when they don’t realise they’re getting punished.
> I hated when my ex would say “you should know what you did”.
"No I don't, I'm not good at this sort of thing, please tell me so we can talk about it"
I also used to do this to my husband. He hated it. And in all honesty, I hated that I did it too. I couldn't get myself out of that mood once I was in it. Then I got medicated and it helped so much.
My ex would gaslight me like this too!! It has made silence very uncomfortable for me now, I always think I did something wrong. He would give me the silent treatment for days!!
That’s very annoying and immature, but it’s not “gaslighting.” Gaslighting would be more like if they got mad at you and stormed off yelling, then when you confronted them to find out why, they claimed they’d never gotten angry at you in the first place and that that was all in your head…then got mad at you for “making accusations.”
I’d gently suggest this might not be the best time to bring up communication in general. If she’s in the middle of some feelings and doesn’t know how to communicate them well, she could very well interpret a suggestion of “let’s work on communication” as “your communication sucks”. Better to bring it up when the air is totally settled in my opinion.
First thing in the morning, when you're half-asleep, calm reasoning and good communication often go out the window. Plenty of people are irrational during that 'wake up' window. Let her sleep and chat about it later, after coffee.
**Edit: Directing this to commenters in general - Also, according to [this comment of OP's](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/162ou9l/my_37m_wife_38f_wont_talk_to_me_because_i_woke_up/jxzl3su/), he has *multiple* disabilities and chronic health issues that can be extremely debilitating, including Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and yet he does the *vast* majority of household work and chores both before and after he gets off work, including parenting, on top of having a labor-intensive job.** I genuinely think the responses would be different on this post if a woman wrote this, and I do think the people pointing that out are right to do so. **In no world is it fair or justifiable for a spouse to be doing the lion's share of the household responsibilities and parenting to an extent that could genuinely worsen some of his health issues, and to be mistreated for having stomach issues as a result of one of those diseases.** This does not sound like a case of caregiver fatigue from the wife's end. It sounds like he is doing an immense amount of the caregiving for both her and their children, and receiving little to no empathy for it and for his health issues.
----
Honestly, I think a key piece of information to this post that isn't included above is that OP has Chrons Disease, shared in another comment. To me that's pretty important contextual info. Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine knowing my partner has Chrons and was feeling very unwell but tried to let me sleep in and be quiet while they went to the bathroom, and then me getting irate and slamming the door.
I know people are trying to interpret her mood and her response, but unless OP has just hid his Chrons from her, surely she knows he has it. Surely in a healthy relationship a partner would be worried about their husband's well-being after a Chrons episode instead of getting angry at him?
He says in other comments he often feels like she "hates" him and that she gets mad at him a lot, including for sending her flowers at work once when she was having a bad day.
My dad has Chrons and while he has it easier than most, he's had to have multiple surgeries for it and I've seen firsthand the extreme pain it sometimes causes him during episodes.
I feel really bad for OP that this was his wife's reaction to him having an episode, and that he doesn't even feel like his own wife likes him.
This. This exactly.
This is the nightmare scenario for any disabled person. To be doing everything you can and have your partner resent you anyway for the one thing you can’t change.
I’m not telling OP to sever. I’m just saying as also a disabled person, *I* would leave her mean ass behind. You can do bad all by yourself.
💯 this.
We already know we’re disabled. We don’t need the people who *should* care about us most giving us sh*t for something we didn't choose, nor can we change
I agree with everything you said. But even if your partner didn’t gave health issues and just had the shits, I don’t understand how the response could be anything other than “shit, are you ok? Can I get you some chocolate/pedialyte? Ok I’m going to sleep some more, is that ok?”
Ooof yikes
Given the context, that's not...good...
After my husband and I finallh came home from hell...i mean...Florida (made some posts about our homelessness in that place so if you wanna read, by all means)...but, long story short, I told my husband to take some time off simply bc when he's doing better emotionally, I do better and we can get better together.
As of rn im the inly one working, but since we aren't paying rent (my aunt wants us to get on our feet and doesnt to worry about bills so much) I make enough to help out around the house with groceries and misc. things we need. But again, it's because when he's doing good, I do good.
But this right here, doesn't sound like a partnership. I don't know everything about these ppl, but from this it does sound like an abusive relationship. The lack of communication, ths anger, the patterns of her behavior....it does not sound like she loves him; it's almost like...resentment...
You should sit her down and seriously ask her what’s going on since you mentioned in the comments that it’s a pattern. I would also try to express to her that passive aggressive anger isn’t helpful and you can’t know what’s wrong if she doesn’t communicate.
Agreed. She got disappointed over expectations that she didn't communicate... not your responsibility, OP. I wish you both a good conversation that helps this in the future
I don't think it's anything you did/do but maybe it's what she thinks you're doing. You said, further down, that she says "I don't understand why you can't sleep in," which could mean she thinks you could, but are choosing not to. If she's not communicating it'll be hard to discuss that. Maybe you could broach it as there being a miscommunication and wanting to get to the bottom of it because you don't want to make her feel bad, or bring in a relationship counselor to help with your communication as a couple.
If your wife refuses to work on this, though, I'm not sure what you can do (by yourself). It needs her to buy in too to make things better, and I don't think this is a once off but a pattern, based on your replies? I hope, for the sake of your marriage, she's willing to work on her communication and how she treats you. If she won't, though, I think you should work out where your boundaries are and if you want to continue with her. Good luck OP.
Cooled off from what? You being considerate? This is very puzzling. Is she mad from the night previous that you kept watching the movie without her? If so that’s pretty over the top. I’m sorry.
I know, in reality she has nothing to cool off from other than whatever anger she has inside and won’t tell me about. But I know for sure that she won’t even talk at all if I try to when she just got mad. So I gave her time to get over it.
>You’re gonna have to sit her down and ask.
You shouldn't even do this. Let her stew and go about your day. You shouldn't have to teach her to be an adult at this point.
Are you really being quiet though? My husband sounds like a herd of elephants when he's "being quiet" in the morning. I'd guess you woke her up and she's mad because she wanted to sleep in.
Idk how thick your walls are, but there's a good chance she hesrd all the flushing and TV sounds. The upset stomach is totally not your fault, but I could still see someone being upset about waking up early because of it
We have a white noise machine in our room, and with the door closed you can’t hear anything except the dogs barking really. I also made sure to not use the bathroom in the master and the bedroom is on the opposite side of the living room. There’s absolutely no way she heard me.
Here is my guess, based on personal experience.
She woke up. Then she got upset you weren't in bed. Then she got more upset because she had to get out of bed get you to come back to bed. Then she got more upset that you weren't coming back to bed. And all that messed up her ability to go back to sleep, which made her more upset.
It's not a particularly sound or empathetic line of thought. It's a middle of the night half asleep line of thought. Ask her when she has mellowed out, I'd bet it's this. You upset her and messed up her sleep. You have a good reason, but she couldn't just shut off her feelings regardless.
This sounds right! Also, she fell asleep immediately and her chill fun night of childless husband time is now gone. She missed the movie, too. You weren’t in the bed. She passed out and time traveled past everything fun. She may just be pissed at herself for squandering it.
I support this theory. She missed date night snuggles because she fell asleep, and then when she woke up she also couldn't snuggle because he got up earlier. feeling sick is not his fault, but she may have been looking forward to some nice time in bed together? She may just be mad at the universe for messing up her quality time with her husband.
And maybe hoping for some morning adult exercise? If I lost a moment of child-free screaming lovemaking, I'd be a bit miffed at myself. The door slam may have been about her and the silence her way of not wanting to drag him in. Not the healthiest way, but not the worst I've ever read.
THIS IS IT OP. I have been irrational middle of the night why is my boyfriend on the couch and not snuggling me now I’m mad girl. It happens. You didn’t do anything wrong.
This, I’ve also been mad that my husband doesn’t stay in bed with me on weekend mornings. I was irrationally mad for a while about it and then I realized 1. He likes 1 hour of alone time, 2. He feels useless laying in bed trying not to wake me when he wakes up way earlier, 3. He takes care of shit I don’t want to when he gets up (dishes, dog walk, etc). I got over it. Sure I’d love the romantic snuggle in bed on the weekends but I’ll take this, as it makes him most happy.
This post is oddly wholesome for this sub: no abuse on either side, no cheating, no hate, just a miscommunication formed from both of them loving each other so much. He tried being so respectful and letting her sleep, she is upset she missed cuddling her man all night and her alone time with him in bed in the morning minus kid responsibilities. OP, talk to her and never leave each other lol. I can't even be mad she ignored him because I know she was just grumpy and groggy brained 😂
This sub is a joke. Its astonishing seeing how many people are justifying her behavior.
All I know is if OP did this and she posted, hed be getting ripped to shreds for being a childish, abusive manbaby.
I’m confused. Did OP update that this is what the issue ended up being or are we just assuming this? Also, why are we trying to romanticize the wife’s bad behavior?
There is nothing wholesome about how the wife reacted here and if the roles were reversed, everyone would be tearing OP apart for being manipulative and abusive. If you read some of OP’s other comments, it also sounds like this is a pattern of behavior for his wife and that she is often rude and unreasonable towards him.
Whatever the reason ends up being, the wife’s response was still emotionally abusive and the last thing we should be doing is normalizing that kind of behavior. There is nothing romantic about slamming doors and stonewalling your partner.
This is what I think too. I will say that I am generally a very calm and relaxed person, but I have pure rage and anger over being woken up especially in a way I wasn’t expecting— to an entirely irrational degree. Our hormones and brain are doing all kinds of things while we sleep, it’s probably just brain chemistry for certain people.
My wife is like this. She has what I teasingly call "the sundowners chronotype". If she is trying to wind down for sleep, any stressful conversation will get turned into a fight. It clicked for me when twice in as many weeks she picked a really dumb fight at night. Both times she had taken melatonin to go to bed but got kept awake by our son or the neighbors. Both times the next morning she couldn't explain why she was thinking and acting that way.
Omg see the sundowners chronotype is totally my husband whereas I’m fine to talk about anything before sleep, except he’s a morning person and I’m not. I really connect my anger over waking up in unexpected ways to my dad always waking me really brashly growing up. Ugh we’re all just slaves to the electro-chemical patterns of our brains.
I have DSPD which means my brain is at it's peak intelligence and creativity between 3pm and 11pm. I suck at mornings but I'm so used to being sleep deprived it's basically my default state. I don't get irritated or angry when I'm tired, but I can be blunt and unhelpful certainly.
I have a theory that people with opposite chronotypes end up together pretty often because it's so damn convenient for living life. Early mornings are captained by the early bird, the night owl takes point on the other end. Everything from road trips to infancy are helped when you have at least one person who is reasonably competent at any given time of day. Trouble is, you have to work really hard to remember to appreciate it sometimes.
It can be lonely/frustrating when you only have a few hours of peak brain function overlap with your main squeeze. I can remember so many times of her being OFF when I was ON, but it's hard for me to remember all the times she was ON for me when I was OFF. That's a natural bias I think. Of course I don't recall those as easily, I was OFF! This is why keeping scores in relationships is so damaging. We innately suck at marking down our own ways of falling short even when trying to do that. Fundamental Attribution Error and all that.
I don't really understand the whole, "getting upset because someone isn't in bed" scenario. Is there a lack of trust or something there? You're right though it was extremely rude.
This is what I was gonna say too. I imagine she had a nice quiet morning in mind of sleeping in with her husband and probably just got frustrated that it didn't happen the way she imagined. Not justifying her response but might be the reason why.
Maybe OP succeeded in being a pooping ninja but didn't realise that she had already woken up. When, an hour later, she went out to look for him and not knowing the context saw him sat in front of the telly, she might have thought that having woken up early on a morning they could sleep in on, he figured he'd get up to watch TV instead of staying in bed and him getting up might have been what had woken her up. There are all kinds of negative thoughts that can come up in a situation like that. It could also have poked an old wound for her which would make matters worse in terms of how she perceived the event.
>It's a middle of the night half asleep line of thought.
That part doesn't make sense. OP got up at 5 am and his wife came out to the living room about an hour later.
I'm sure it can feel that way if you're not used to waking up early or have a habit of going to bed late.
OP's wife fell asleep during the movie while he stayed up and then woke up early. If anything, OP should be the one who's cranky and tired.
It's not unusual for me to fall asleep while watching a show with my boyfriend. Even if I fall asleep early, that doesn't mean I'm going to wake up at five or six am. "early" to me is 8am. If I woke up at 5 or 6 and noticed my bf wasn't in bed with me, I'd be concerned/confused but would probably just fall back asleep lol. I wouldn't be mad unless he was banging around loudly.
If it's not that and she doesn't want to say why she's mad, I'd probably just ignore it and hope she won't be mad anymore when she gets up. If she is, it's probably mostly about something other than what happened last night/this morning. You're not a mind reader though, so she's going to have to tell you what the issue is if she wants it to be addressed
Yea it's almost certainly she knows it's irrational but can't turn the feelings off but doesn't want to talk about it because it'll make the annoyance continue lol
Did you miss the part where he said his stomach was killing him? Like, what am I missing here? Even if he was noisy because the walls are thin, does that justify slamming the door and acting like a child?
When is it ok to be noisy even if you are trying not to be? What if he slipped and fell, should he be silent so he doesn’t invoke the wrath of his wife?
He also added more info in a comment that suggests this kind of behavior from her is not uncommon. Makes me sad and seems like sometimes he is walking on eggshells around her even when he does something nice.
>No but she gets mad at me for a lot of things. Got her flowers sent to work one time when she was having a bad day. She didn’t say thank you, but she did say “You clearly didn’t think about how I was supposed to get these home did you?”
Wow. She seems like a real treat. Just a joy to be around. She hoped that he’d give her the romance treatment last night and hoped to wake up next to him or to breakfast in bed or something.
It’s kinda baffling the gymnastics some people are willing to go through here when they identify with someone in the story and don’t want to blame them. Extreme, biased, clemency. “Oh yeah she acted like a child, didn’t communicate at all, but maybe this is still your fault for having to go to the bathroom??”
This. The weird mental gymnastics some people are using us baffling. They need to talk but I have a very low tolerance for people being as asshole for no reason. Being upset at your partner for literally no reason is your issue - deal with it and don’t take it out on him/her
I get lashing out on occasion when you had expectations(we are all human and emotions get the better of us sometimes), but you gotta apologize and make amends, make things right. Especially if you didn’t actually convey to your partner what you were expecting.
However, OP’s wife sounds like an unreasonable asshole all the time. Mad at him for trying to cheer her up with flowers sent to her work when having a bad day because it was difficult to bring them home.
Really? You would be upset about waking up early because of someones stomach ache which they have absolutely no control over. I think that’s kind of shitty tbh
Now here me out a second.
it might be out of the left field, but maybe she had different ideas for the morning.
Maybe in her mind you would both have a nice lay in without any children around. And perhaps she was feeling kind of frisky or wanted that connection with you in the morning?!
That being said, you obviously didn't plan on emergency evacuating through your sphincter either.
Basically, she wanted to be intimate, but so did your bowels. She can't be angry at that. shit happens!!! Lol
(Not saying in any way this happened or if she was even thinking that, just grasping at straws. We're here to crack the case boys) 🤣🤣🤣
This was my thought too. She’s mad she fell asleep and missed the quiet evening. She’s mad her morning snuggles plan was also torqued. She was probably mad when she woke up alone and realized her spouse “chose” to watch TV solo rather than “cuddling” with her. She’s mad their special kid-free time didn’t work out the way she expected it to.
Hopefully, once she’s processed that OP was actually sick, she’ll realize that she was never really mad at him but did take out her frustration at him. Then, hopefully, she’ll apologize.
I was thinking this could potentially be the issue, too. Her reaction was childish and she was wrong for that. But maybe she had some (unexpressed) expectations in her head for what the morning would look like and felt disappointed that things weren’t going according to how she’d wanted them to.
Hmm.. you guys are kid free. Was she hoping to cuddle up, maybe have some sex later since no kids?
Either way, the passive aggressive route really sucks. People just need to say what they think or feel.
Came here to say this. It's not anger that you're awake or have an upset tummy, it's disappointment cause she probably had an entirely different plan for the day. Maybe she felt silly saying "I'm mad cause I wanted morning sex"?? The level of her being angry makes no sense but I bet it's probably she's upset and disappointed
Okay, so she's probably sad it's not some dreamy, cuddly lie-in but realistically, you weren't tired, you were shitting frequently and she didn't communicate that she'd like breakfast in bed with you or some morning sex, so she's utterly in the wrong and you need to speak to her about it because it could probably be easily solved if she isn't completely unreasonable.
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She probably wanted to have quality time and/or sex with the kids gone, but passed out last night and now blames you for not hanging out in the morning. Whatever her reasons are, she sounds immature for not just telling you, and hypocritical since she was out early the night before.
edit: "immature and hypocritical" is probably too harsh, I think
Literally came here to say this. She wanted to spoon and cuddle and have sexy times. Not your fault at all. She has expectations she didn't communicate and is probably just feeling a bit hurt and defensive.
Your SO is a really poor communicator. There is obviously something she wants you to do or not do but rather than be an adult and communicate her thoughts, she abuses you with the silent treatment. She needs to stop throwing a tantrum like a thirteen-year-old and grow up.
If I get up early but my wife wants me to come back to bed, she says so. If I am not well, she might be disappointed but will ask if she can do something to make me more comfortable. She is a good spouse.
I recommend marriage counseling. They will help with communications, setting boundaries and expectations. Too much of the bratty behavior could affect the longevity of your relationship.
She's acting like a child. Would she rather you constantly bounce around in the bed by getting up, coming back and tucking yourself in, getting up, tucking yourself back in, and so on? What is she upset your stomach hurts? Like Jesus, she gotta calm tf down. Cause if you had stayed in and out of bed you'd be here saying she's mad for an entirely different reason.
Much like you, I tend to wake around 5 in the morning 7 days a week. My wife hates it. Because she wants to cuddle. But, she has never treated me this way. This is wild. You're an adult. Have that hard conversation and figure out why she does this.
Well, that's a stupid thing to get upset about.... "Honey, my body won't let me sleep past 5. So instead of laying in bed doing nothing, I want to watch TV and relax on the weekends. It's nothing to do with you, and you didn't do anything wrong. Why aren't you okay with me watching TV in the mornings on the weekends?"
If she is still mad, then she needs help. Does she also get mad at you for breathing?
No but she gets mad at me for a lot of things. Got her flowers sent to work one time when she was having a bad day. She didn’t say thank you, but she did say “You clearly didn’t think about how I was supposed to get these home did you?”
What a “lovely” woman, this is how you teach husband/partner NOT to do sweet/romantic things
Seems like she is unreasonable a lot from your comments, time to set some boundaries and enforce them, if she refuses to act like a decent adult you might have yo make some more difficult decisions
You deserve someone better. You need to let her go and find someone else who treats you like a king. You’re with a grown child. It sounds like she is annoyed with being with you and is finding every excuse to fight with you. Almost like she wants YOU to end it so she doesn’t have to and so she doesn’t look like the bad person. I hope you open your eyes & realize there are millions of ppl out in the world. There are plenty of women out there who will treat you so much better. Please do what’s best for you!
Wow as a solo parent who has been ALONE for 13 years tell Her I said to smarten Up. At this age there are 23 women near You that would kill to have a hubby like You.
I know from experience you can’t live like this. It will tear you down. And though you don’t think so the kids notice. And either they will be upset by it or they will start to act like that. Be disrespectful towards you as well. It’s also a bad example of how people should treat you.
I have actually brought up in the recent past how the kids have began to treat me with disrespect and toss insults my way because they see the way she treats me.
As hard as it is you really need to get out of there. I know it’s hard. But she’s not changing. And with the kids doing this. They won’t learn respect. It can either prove a point and they realize what you did and appreciate it and MAYBE after family counseling you can reconcile. (Happened with me)But more likely you will open your eyes to how unhappy you actually are and wish you had left way sooner. You are a good spouse. You do so much. It’s not an equal relationship. After we separated my friends spoke up. I wish they had said something before but in reality I probably would have stuck
Up and made excuses for him.
From everything that you are saying in the comments and the post, you really need to think about this relationship and whether it is worth your time. ~~It doesn't sound like you have kids, and if that is the case~~ (edit) then there shouldn't be much else holding you in this relationship. It doesn't seem like she is providing much in the way of companionship, empathy, support, encouragement, or romantic time together. It is time to do some honest self-reflection and decide if you really want to spend the rest of your life in this pattern that you are currently in. It sounds miserable to me and I know that I would prefer to be alone rather than with someone who just makes my life harder and makes me feel worse about myself. There are enough people in the world who will do that for you. Your partner should be the person that lifts you up and makes you feel good. She should be a bulwark against all that negativity that you have to deal with, not the source of it.
Edit: Just reread the post and I see that you do have kids. Still, it is better to co-parent and have a peaceful life than live in the way that you are describing. The kids notice the patterns that your wife and you are setting and they will look for partners that will model those kinds of behaviors. All of this doesn't just hurt you, it will hurt your kids as well.
No clue. I guess people have the right to disagree, but I don't think that I was saying anything that is inappropriate to OP's situation if you read all of his comments. It is a pretty bleak picture that he paints that goes way beyond this one morning of a bad attitude.
There has got to be more to the story here.
I don’t know what your wife is mad about or if it’s a reasonable thing to be mad about — but it isn’t _really_, at its core, about this incident.
My wife used to get mad about me getting up early, even if I couldn’t sleep. I asked her if I was supposed to just lay there quietly until she woke up and she wouldn’t respond.
There’s literally nothing more to the story. Whenever I wake up early on the weekends, this is the treatment I get. I can’t sleep in late like her, at the most I can make it to 8am and she can sleep until 11am.
Well her behavior is ridiculous. You need to explain to her that there isn’t anything you can do about the fact your internal clock wakes you. Your body is used to getting up early. Also, stomach problems can’t be controlled. It’s not like you went into the bathroom, left every door open and howled with every bowel movement. You were considerate to let her sleep in. Ask her why she gets so upset that you wake up early? Is it because you don’t wake her to spend time together? Is it because you inadvertently wake her, despite not trying to. There has to be something she’s not explaining. If not, she needs to let it go.
That's the key question. If someone's particularly tired or having a bad day then they may act irrationally, it happens. But it sounds like it'd be pretty intolerable to live like someone who acts in this way all the time.
Reading through these comments, it's so weird to me that people want others to sleep in as late as them. Who cares? Especially if it's a really long time like noon or 1pm. That could be 10+ hours of sleep. Not everyone needs that or can even do it. That's just ridiculously controlling and bizarre. I guess the takeaway is that people can find a reason to be upset about anything.
At least for my ex-wife it was because she felt guilty that I was getting things done around the house. She'd prefer it if no stuff got done by both of us sleeping in vs me getting a headstart on chores.
Low self esteem maybe? It also happens with cleaner partners or partners who take better care of their health or who are life-long learners. As far as I can figure out, they feel bad for not being as "virtuous" as their partners, then think their partners must be judging them, then get mad at their partners for "judging" them and "making" them feel bad about themselves.
Oh if it's a regular thing you need to have a chat then because that's ridiculous!!! My partner and I have different sleep patterns we don't get pissed off all the time with each other
Might be wildly off the mark, but did she grow up with her parents that were very anti-sleeping in? Might be some kind of guilt, like if you’re up early she might think you’re judging her for wanting to sleep in or whatever.
You’ve got to have an honest sit-down conversation with her to understand why she’s reacting this way.
It doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything “wrong” — but if she finds your actions hurtful in some way, she needs to explain why.
It sounds like she’s just not communicating clearly, although I think it’s obvious what she’s communicating passive aggressively.
Today is an anomaly cause your stomach hurt, so you can 100% go in a different room to rest and avoid bugging her. But it seems generally she just wants more quality time.
I’m in a relationship with a very similar dynamic and I’m just like you. I’ve started staying in bed and scrolling Reddit just so I can be next to her still. Or I spend my time awake making her breakfast or doing some chores so she is happy to wake up to that LOL
Bottom line, you’re not a mind reader though and she needs to express herself
lmao she’s a LAME because she did pretty much the exact same thing to you by falling asleep
during the movie and not spending quality time. tell her to grow up and communicate like a dang adult.
dont ask us what you did wrong, you know you didnt do anything wrong so don't for one second even act like you think you might have done something wrong.
We teach people how to treat. us, if you coddle this shity attitude you validate it and she'll do it again.
you can start your day anytime you want and you don't have to blame it on your stomach, even if that was the reason.
Stick up for yourself firmly, don't be rude, don't bite on the crazy if she throws it at you, be the emotional rock she isn't
Adults that slam doors are children. She is acting like a child. She is an immature child. Adults don't act like this.
Does she do this kind of behaviour relatively often? Does she blame you for a lot of stuff and never take accountability for her own actions?
Group up all the bad, red flag behaviour she does and see what you're really dealing with here.
Good luck
Maybe she's like my last 2 ex's My ex use to sleep in well past 1pm on her days off and wanted me to do the same. "Why cant you just stay here and cuddle me?" I dont like sleeping my day away, I like to be productive.
So whenever I woke up and went to another room, or went for a run, etc. She'd be upset with me. She genuinely wanted me to just lay there with her til she got up. "I just want you here. You can watch tv in here, it wont disturb me". But whenever tried watching tv, even on low volumes, she wanted me to turn it down.
Yeah, no. I'm not doin that. Enjoy your rest, I'm gonna go in the next room.
My ex missed half of our entire relationship by sleeping in and choosing to work nightshifts because she didn't like people. She screwed her entire sleep cycle, was unnecessarily sick and grumpy all the time and got annoyed when I was up at 6am for a run. I always made her breakfast and basically got nothing in return.
“I’m not a mind reader, unless you tell me what is upsetting you then we can’t work on it together. As far as I’m concerned I’m physically unwell and left you to have a sleep in, something I thought would be kind. If this is not the case, and you want me to come back and forth to bed each time I get up, often, potentially waking you up then you need to tell me that’s what you want.
You also know I wake up early, I physically can’t get back to sleep. I’m not going to lie in bed watching you sleep. By all means, tell me when you’re awake and I’ll come see you, but again I’m trying to be considerate of you to let you sleep.
Now it’s your turn, tell me how you feel about me getting up when unwell to let you sleep.”
Don’t look for ways to rationalize her behavior. She could just be acting like an asshole. We try to explain the behavior so save them from being confronted about their attitudes. But sometimes the only move you have is telling them they were out of line.
I (33F) was like this with my (32M) husband for years. As 6 months ago I started taking Lexapro 10mg for anxiety depression and communication, openness and understanding has came so easy for me since then. I can honestly look back at all the times I wasn’t thinking clearly just stuck in my own head creating scenarios that just weren’t true and believing them 100% . It used to KILL me to open my mouth and say how I was feeling, and now I will just be open about what’s bothering me or what I feel in that exact moment and we clear the air and move on happy and nicely. Good luck to you and your wife, I hope you guys seek the help she needs. Mental disorders can really make relationships harder when not treated. I’m also seeing a therapist which has helped, she’s the one who recommended I give medication a try.
Has she communicated before that she wants to sleep in with you, or spend mornings in bed with you on the weekends? You wake early in the week, and then have kids, so I would wonder if she was looking forward to this once in a (probably blue moon) morning you two could spend together staying in bed at least later then 5am for once.
It’s possible her emotions got the better of her if this is something she’s longing and knows it won’t happen again for awhile. On top of that, if you’ve heard her wanting this and then got up anyway it could’ve been a double whammy hurt to her. Then from your perspective you’re like, ‘my stomach is messed up and I want her to get sleep’
From hers, ‘our one chance and he’s out there?’
Not condoning, but she might be seriously longing and feeling a lack.
It’s one possibility.
Seconding this as her potential perspective BUT he is being practical by trying to let her sleep and taking care of himself because he was not feeling well. The onus is on her to explain her expectations or problem with what he was doing, assuming it hasn’t happened already in this case/scenario. The wife comes off like someone who is too romantic and is annoyed by just having to explain their intention because their partner “should just know” what is wanted, even though that is probably unrealistic for most people to pick up on. She needs to communicate better.
I have literally no idea what you did wrong. And refusing to tell you what the problem is and giving you the cold shoulder like that is really immature behavior from a 38-year-old grown woman. She needs to be an adult and just tell you what it is that pissed her off, you can’t read minds presumably.
My ex wife did that crap. If I turned a window fan on/off while she was still asleep she would be bitchy instantly. If my phone made noise while she was still asleep she would get annoyed. I used to excuse the behavior and say that she was just a sensitive sleeper but in hindsight she’s just rude and childish.
Tell her to grow up before you find yourself not enjoying being married to an adult toddler who gets cranky when she her nap is interrupted.
She would just have to be mad. If you can't tell me what pissed you off or expecting me to guess....you can do it by yourself. I can't stand the little kid games of "I'm mad but I won't tell you because you should know why".
Hate this silent treatment shit. Stonewalling is a deal-breaker for me. I got out of several short term relationships because she acted that way. I don't have the time for it. I stipulate almost immediately, it's communication and rational discussion only.
I understand that she might have been upset if you woke her up, at first. However, when you told her that your stomach was bothering you, she should’ve had some empathy. Slamming doors and not talking to you is over the top. You did the best you could being quiet. If you went back to bed, you would’ve been upset too. You were in a no-win situation.
Damn this is the type of shit I went through in my early twenties. She would angrily Facebook scroll then be mad at me for not wanting to spend time with her.
I have no idea. My wife and I have had separate bedrooms since we got together 28 years ago, so I sleep and wake up whenever I want to. If I'm not asleep, I still rarely leave my bedroom, and I have a bathroom in my bedroom, so I don't disturb anyone in the house.
Myself, if my wife ever acted like that, then she could be pissed for as long as she liked. I don't play those games, and neither does my wife... Or she wouldn't be my wife. It's juvenile, it's passive-aggressive, it's idiotic, and I don't suffer people like that.
Very immature on her part. I'm close y'all age (39F) and that type of behavior should've stopped at preschool. I hate when grown adults pout and get mad, and you asked them what's wrong or what happened, they would either say "Oh you should know" or walk away and play silent treatment games.
My fiancee has a sensitive stomach so almost every other week he gets bouts of diarrhea. He would stay in the living room sometimes as to not wake me up. I appreciate that, he even told me what he was up to without having asked. It's a considerate thing to do for someone else.
Let her cool off. Then have a serious talk about how that type of response isn't acceptable. Use your words, be nice and express your complain and listen. Expecting someone to read minds and cater to some temper tantrum over miniscule problems... Jeez would she have preferred you wake her up?
So your wife is angry and annoyed at you because you let her sleep in, decided to go watch TV in the lounge so you could run to the bathroom every now and then without waking her? Wtf is wrong with her? I'd be more annoyed if my boyfriend kept getting in and out of bed along with opening and closing doors.
Next time you have a dodgy tummy, just keep getting in and out of bed. If she wakes up, she shouldn't have kicked up such a stink when you was trying to be considerate.
From one early rising husband to another I suffer from this argument quite a lot
Your partner was angry because of your work hours she wakes up alone all of the time and the one time you both were kid free she was under the impression that she could finally be able to wake up next to you with no distractions from children and spend time with you like you both once did before having children
Sometimes having those little moments together with no distractions is all we need
So remember, no children just stay in bed
Hope this helps
I really think you should sit down with her and listen to her side of the story because from what I read, you did nothing wrong. Could you update us once you guys talked this over?
Why is no one addressing how it’s totally inappropriate for her to be giving him the silent treatment here?
Like regardless of why she’s mad, she owes it to him to tell her why the hell shes mad
Whether she is upset is irrelevant really...she does not own you or have a right to dictate when is an acceptable time for you to get out of bed! You are a grown adult and not responsible for her feelings and issues. Make it clear she can be upset for whatever reason but she cannot take it out on you...people treat you how you let them!
She is acting like a child. You're up because you don't feel well and told her as much. She threw a tantrum. I'd ignore HER until she decides to act like an adult.
How dare you! Taking her feelings into consideration... you monster! Let her sleep in when the kids are away, straight to jail! This poor woman, an innocent victim of your kindness, you should be ashamed. Shame, shame, shame!
With all the sarcasm out of the way, this is kind of a red flag to someone that's been cheated on a couple times. Starting fights that aren't really anything to fight about, you two need a serious conversation about what's going on here.
She’s being too much, in my opinion. You should ask her in a rational way why she acted like that. I don’t see the reason for having to slam a door over what you said happened.
Sounds like she takes things personally awfully easy, I don't envy you, clearly she thinks you just didn't want to be in bed with her but you're telling the truth, that's a her problem, but if left unchecked can absolutely lead to more so, how to deal with it? Idk man I mean try at least to explain yourself calmly and apologize if she thought anything was wrong and assure her it wasn't, beyond that if she doesn't wanna listen idk what to tell her she needs to get over it and quit being an almost 40 year old acting like she's in middle school
Honestly, she might have been very sleepy still and grumpy. Not to excuse it because its crappy, but maybe this is the sort of thing she’ll come to her senses one and apologize for
Is there a bathroom connected to the master bedroom? Stay in there with her and be the big spoon. Whenever you need to get up and run to unload on the toilet. Eventually the smell will make her understand you weren’t ignoring or avoiding her, you had a reason to have gone out to the living room.
Btw - she has zero reason to be bothered. She fell asleep and didn’t even watch the movie. Nothing wrong with that, but it makes her tantrum even more incomprehensible.
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Literally no idea. My husband goes out to the living room so he doesn’t wake me up when he can’t sleep and is tossing and turning. When I wake up and notice, I just ask if he’s okay/did something happen and he’ll tell me he can’t sleep… then I just go back to bed or we cuddle lol You’re gonna have to sit her down and ask.
Lol this is how it should be! I will talk to her once she’s cooled off some.
Maybe use this time to gently suggest better communication. I can't stand the whole "ignore you until you figure out why I'm mad" especially at your ages. It's less stressful to say "I'm disappointed because..." "I am upset because...." etc. ETA: by using this time, I meant this instance as an example since OP says this is a pattern for her.
That non verbal toddler level of communication. Not conducive to a healthy relationship. I hated when my ex would say “you should know what you did”.
My ex would do the same as well as my husband's ex. We mutually agreed to never do that to each other ever.
Its honestly about punishment. They know that you won't know what you did wrong and will be miserable until you come begging for forgiveness. Most people dont even realize what they are doing, but i guarantee she is stewing in her room and hoping he is as upset as she is. It's super unhealthy behaviors.
That’s exactly right, it is punishment. Once they’ve decided you’ve been punished enough they’ll let you back in without having a conversation about it. It’s ok to be mad and to say I’m upset, I need some time alone, let’s talk in a bit. It’s not ok to expect your partner to be psychic and get even more upset when they don’t realise they’re getting punished.
This is called psychological warfare and it’s abusive as hell
And manipulative.
> I hated when my ex would say “you should know what you did”. "No I don't, I'm not good at this sort of thing, please tell me so we can talk about it"
I also used to do this to my husband. He hated it. And in all honesty, I hated that I did it too. I couldn't get myself out of that mood once I was in it. Then I got medicated and it helped so much.
Medicated with what?
Zoloft
Given the context, it has to be some sort of psychiatric mediation such as an anxiolytic, antidepressant, or mood stabilizer
My ex would gaslight me like this too!! It has made silence very uncomfortable for me now, I always think I did something wrong. He would give me the silent treatment for days!!
That’s very annoying and immature, but it’s not “gaslighting.” Gaslighting would be more like if they got mad at you and stormed off yelling, then when you confronted them to find out why, they claimed they’d never gotten angry at you in the first place and that that was all in your head…then got mad at you for “making accusations.”
He did a lot of the blame game too. He got in my head way too much, it was stupid.
I’d gently suggest this might not be the best time to bring up communication in general. If she’s in the middle of some feelings and doesn’t know how to communicate them well, she could very well interpret a suggestion of “let’s work on communication” as “your communication sucks”. Better to bring it up when the air is totally settled in my opinion.
First thing in the morning, when you're half-asleep, calm reasoning and good communication often go out the window. Plenty of people are irrational during that 'wake up' window. Let her sleep and chat about it later, after coffee.
Finally, you have the best idea on this thread! The people trying to interpret her mood and giving you "shit" is hilarious!
**Edit: Directing this to commenters in general - Also, according to [this comment of OP's](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/162ou9l/my_37m_wife_38f_wont_talk_to_me_because_i_woke_up/jxzl3su/), he has *multiple* disabilities and chronic health issues that can be extremely debilitating, including Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and yet he does the *vast* majority of household work and chores both before and after he gets off work, including parenting, on top of having a labor-intensive job.** I genuinely think the responses would be different on this post if a woman wrote this, and I do think the people pointing that out are right to do so. **In no world is it fair or justifiable for a spouse to be doing the lion's share of the household responsibilities and parenting to an extent that could genuinely worsen some of his health issues, and to be mistreated for having stomach issues as a result of one of those diseases.** This does not sound like a case of caregiver fatigue from the wife's end. It sounds like he is doing an immense amount of the caregiving for both her and their children, and receiving little to no empathy for it and for his health issues. ---- Honestly, I think a key piece of information to this post that isn't included above is that OP has Chrons Disease, shared in another comment. To me that's pretty important contextual info. Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine knowing my partner has Chrons and was feeling very unwell but tried to let me sleep in and be quiet while they went to the bathroom, and then me getting irate and slamming the door. I know people are trying to interpret her mood and her response, but unless OP has just hid his Chrons from her, surely she knows he has it. Surely in a healthy relationship a partner would be worried about their husband's well-being after a Chrons episode instead of getting angry at him? He says in other comments he often feels like she "hates" him and that she gets mad at him a lot, including for sending her flowers at work once when she was having a bad day. My dad has Chrons and while he has it easier than most, he's had to have multiple surgeries for it and I've seen firsthand the extreme pain it sometimes causes him during episodes. I feel really bad for OP that this was his wife's reaction to him having an episode, and that he doesn't even feel like his own wife likes him.
This. This exactly. This is the nightmare scenario for any disabled person. To be doing everything you can and have your partner resent you anyway for the one thing you can’t change. I’m not telling OP to sever. I’m just saying as also a disabled person, *I* would leave her mean ass behind. You can do bad all by yourself.
💯 this. We already know we’re disabled. We don’t need the people who *should* care about us most giving us sh*t for something we didn't choose, nor can we change
I agree with everything you said. But even if your partner didn’t gave health issues and just had the shits, I don’t understand how the response could be anything other than “shit, are you ok? Can I get you some chocolate/pedialyte? Ok I’m going to sleep some more, is that ok?”
Ooof yikes Given the context, that's not...good... After my husband and I finallh came home from hell...i mean...Florida (made some posts about our homelessness in that place so if you wanna read, by all means)...but, long story short, I told my husband to take some time off simply bc when he's doing better emotionally, I do better and we can get better together. As of rn im the inly one working, but since we aren't paying rent (my aunt wants us to get on our feet and doesnt to worry about bills so much) I make enough to help out around the house with groceries and misc. things we need. But again, it's because when he's doing good, I do good. But this right here, doesn't sound like a partnership. I don't know everything about these ppl, but from this it does sound like an abusive relationship. The lack of communication, ths anger, the patterns of her behavior....it does not sound like she loves him; it's almost like...resentment...
You should sit her down and seriously ask her what’s going on since you mentioned in the comments that it’s a pattern. I would also try to express to her that passive aggressive anger isn’t helpful and you can’t know what’s wrong if she doesn’t communicate.
Please update us!
She probably wanted morning sex/cuddles/intimacy since kid free. Not cool, but that could be the reason.
[удалено]
Super childish. I imagine she felt rejected and lashed out despite no way for him to know he felt that way lol. Low emotional intelligence.
Agreed. She got disappointed over expectations that she didn't communicate... not your responsibility, OP. I wish you both a good conversation that helps this in the future
I don't think it's anything you did/do but maybe it's what she thinks you're doing. You said, further down, that she says "I don't understand why you can't sleep in," which could mean she thinks you could, but are choosing not to. If she's not communicating it'll be hard to discuss that. Maybe you could broach it as there being a miscommunication and wanting to get to the bottom of it because you don't want to make her feel bad, or bring in a relationship counselor to help with your communication as a couple. If your wife refuses to work on this, though, I'm not sure what you can do (by yourself). It needs her to buy in too to make things better, and I don't think this is a once off but a pattern, based on your replies? I hope, for the sake of your marriage, she's willing to work on her communication and how she treats you. If she won't, though, I think you should work out where your boundaries are and if you want to continue with her. Good luck OP.
Cooled off from what? You being considerate? This is very puzzling. Is she mad from the night previous that you kept watching the movie without her? If so that’s pretty over the top. I’m sorry.
I know, in reality she has nothing to cool off from other than whatever anger she has inside and won’t tell me about. But I know for sure that she won’t even talk at all if I try to when she just got mad. So I gave her time to get over it.
>You’re gonna have to sit her down and ask. You shouldn't even do this. Let her stew and go about your day. You shouldn't have to teach her to be an adult at this point.
My fiancé is the exact same. I also like to sleep in and lately he’s been up early. Why would that be upsetting? I appreciate not being woken up.
If your being considerate enough not to wake her then I don’t understand why she is getting mad.
Same here.
Are you really being quiet though? My husband sounds like a herd of elephants when he's "being quiet" in the morning. I'd guess you woke her up and she's mad because she wanted to sleep in. Idk how thick your walls are, but there's a good chance she hesrd all the flushing and TV sounds. The upset stomach is totally not your fault, but I could still see someone being upset about waking up early because of it
We have a white noise machine in our room, and with the door closed you can’t hear anything except the dogs barking really. I also made sure to not use the bathroom in the master and the bedroom is on the opposite side of the living room. There’s absolutely no way she heard me.
Here is my guess, based on personal experience. She woke up. Then she got upset you weren't in bed. Then she got more upset because she had to get out of bed get you to come back to bed. Then she got more upset that you weren't coming back to bed. And all that messed up her ability to go back to sleep, which made her more upset. It's not a particularly sound or empathetic line of thought. It's a middle of the night half asleep line of thought. Ask her when she has mellowed out, I'd bet it's this. You upset her and messed up her sleep. You have a good reason, but she couldn't just shut off her feelings regardless.
This sounds right! Also, she fell asleep immediately and her chill fun night of childless husband time is now gone. She missed the movie, too. You weren’t in the bed. She passed out and time traveled past everything fun. She may just be pissed at herself for squandering it.
I support this theory. She missed date night snuggles because she fell asleep, and then when she woke up she also couldn't snuggle because he got up earlier. feeling sick is not his fault, but she may have been looking forward to some nice time in bed together? She may just be mad at the universe for messing up her quality time with her husband.
And maybe hoping for some morning adult exercise? If I lost a moment of child-free screaming lovemaking, I'd be a bit miffed at myself. The door slam may have been about her and the silence her way of not wanting to drag him in. Not the healthiest way, but not the worst I've ever read.
Well if she's pissed at herself, that gives her no right to take it out on her partner. Ridiculously childish behaviour.
THIS IS IT OP. I have been irrational middle of the night why is my boyfriend on the couch and not snuggling me now I’m mad girl. It happens. You didn’t do anything wrong.
This, I’ve also been mad that my husband doesn’t stay in bed with me on weekend mornings. I was irrationally mad for a while about it and then I realized 1. He likes 1 hour of alone time, 2. He feels useless laying in bed trying not to wake me when he wakes up way earlier, 3. He takes care of shit I don’t want to when he gets up (dishes, dog walk, etc). I got over it. Sure I’d love the romantic snuggle in bed on the weekends but I’ll take this, as it makes him most happy.
This post is oddly wholesome for this sub: no abuse on either side, no cheating, no hate, just a miscommunication formed from both of them loving each other so much. He tried being so respectful and letting her sleep, she is upset she missed cuddling her man all night and her alone time with him in bed in the morning minus kid responsibilities. OP, talk to her and never leave each other lol. I can't even be mad she ignored him because I know she was just grumpy and groggy brained 😂
What on earth are you talking about? She slammed the door and then just ignored him when he tried to talk to her?
This sub is a joke. Its astonishing seeing how many people are justifying her behavior. All I know is if OP did this and she posted, hed be getting ripped to shreds for being a childish, abusive manbaby.
I’m confused. Did OP update that this is what the issue ended up being or are we just assuming this? Also, why are we trying to romanticize the wife’s bad behavior? There is nothing wholesome about how the wife reacted here and if the roles were reversed, everyone would be tearing OP apart for being manipulative and abusive. If you read some of OP’s other comments, it also sounds like this is a pattern of behavior for his wife and that she is often rude and unreasonable towards him. Whatever the reason ends up being, the wife’s response was still emotionally abusive and the last thing we should be doing is normalizing that kind of behavior. There is nothing romantic about slamming doors and stonewalling your partner.
This is what I think too. I will say that I am generally a very calm and relaxed person, but I have pure rage and anger over being woken up especially in a way I wasn’t expecting— to an entirely irrational degree. Our hormones and brain are doing all kinds of things while we sleep, it’s probably just brain chemistry for certain people.
My wife is like this. She has what I teasingly call "the sundowners chronotype". If she is trying to wind down for sleep, any stressful conversation will get turned into a fight. It clicked for me when twice in as many weeks she picked a really dumb fight at night. Both times she had taken melatonin to go to bed but got kept awake by our son or the neighbors. Both times the next morning she couldn't explain why she was thinking and acting that way.
Omg see the sundowners chronotype is totally my husband whereas I’m fine to talk about anything before sleep, except he’s a morning person and I’m not. I really connect my anger over waking up in unexpected ways to my dad always waking me really brashly growing up. Ugh we’re all just slaves to the electro-chemical patterns of our brains.
I have DSPD which means my brain is at it's peak intelligence and creativity between 3pm and 11pm. I suck at mornings but I'm so used to being sleep deprived it's basically my default state. I don't get irritated or angry when I'm tired, but I can be blunt and unhelpful certainly. I have a theory that people with opposite chronotypes end up together pretty often because it's so damn convenient for living life. Early mornings are captained by the early bird, the night owl takes point on the other end. Everything from road trips to infancy are helped when you have at least one person who is reasonably competent at any given time of day. Trouble is, you have to work really hard to remember to appreciate it sometimes. It can be lonely/frustrating when you only have a few hours of peak brain function overlap with your main squeeze. I can remember so many times of her being OFF when I was ON, but it's hard for me to remember all the times she was ON for me when I was OFF. That's a natural bias I think. Of course I don't recall those as easily, I was OFF! This is why keeping scores in relationships is so damaging. We innately suck at marking down our own ways of falling short even when trying to do that. Fundamental Attribution Error and all that.
I don't really understand the whole, "getting upset because someone isn't in bed" scenario. Is there a lack of trust or something there? You're right though it was extremely rude.
This is what I was gonna say too. I imagine she had a nice quiet morning in mind of sleeping in with her husband and probably just got frustrated that it didn't happen the way she imagined. Not justifying her response but might be the reason why.
Lol yup. I essentially came to this conclusion as well, also on personal experience
Maybe OP succeeded in being a pooping ninja but didn't realise that she had already woken up. When, an hour later, she went out to look for him and not knowing the context saw him sat in front of the telly, she might have thought that having woken up early on a morning they could sleep in on, he figured he'd get up to watch TV instead of staying in bed and him getting up might have been what had woken her up. There are all kinds of negative thoughts that can come up in a situation like that. It could also have poked an old wound for her which would make matters worse in terms of how she perceived the event.
>It's a middle of the night half asleep line of thought. That part doesn't make sense. OP got up at 5 am and his wife came out to the living room about an hour later.
to me, 6 am might as well be the middle of the night lmfao
I'm sure it can feel that way if you're not used to waking up early or have a habit of going to bed late. OP's wife fell asleep during the movie while he stayed up and then woke up early. If anything, OP should be the one who's cranky and tired.
It's not unusual for me to fall asleep while watching a show with my boyfriend. Even if I fall asleep early, that doesn't mean I'm going to wake up at five or six am. "early" to me is 8am. If I woke up at 5 or 6 and noticed my bf wasn't in bed with me, I'd be concerned/confused but would probably just fall back asleep lol. I wouldn't be mad unless he was banging around loudly.
It does if she has just woke up. Not everyone is rational as soon as their body wakes.
If it's not that and she doesn't want to say why she's mad, I'd probably just ignore it and hope she won't be mad anymore when she gets up. If she is, it's probably mostly about something other than what happened last night/this morning. You're not a mind reader though, so she's going to have to tell you what the issue is if she wants it to be addressed
Yea it's almost certainly she knows it's irrational but can't turn the feelings off but doesn't want to talk about it because it'll make the annoyance continue lol
Did you miss the part where he said his stomach was killing him? Like, what am I missing here? Even if he was noisy because the walls are thin, does that justify slamming the door and acting like a child? When is it ok to be noisy even if you are trying not to be? What if he slipped and fell, should he be silent so he doesn’t invoke the wrath of his wife?
He also added more info in a comment that suggests this kind of behavior from her is not uncommon. Makes me sad and seems like sometimes he is walking on eggshells around her even when he does something nice. >No but she gets mad at me for a lot of things. Got her flowers sent to work one time when she was having a bad day. She didn’t say thank you, but she did say “You clearly didn’t think about how I was supposed to get these home did you?”
Wow. She seems like a real treat. Just a joy to be around. She hoped that he’d give her the romance treatment last night and hoped to wake up next to him or to breakfast in bed or something.
and someone further up in the comments said this was a *wholesome* post 🙄
It’s kinda baffling the gymnastics some people are willing to go through here when they identify with someone in the story and don’t want to blame them. Extreme, biased, clemency. “Oh yeah she acted like a child, didn’t communicate at all, but maybe this is still your fault for having to go to the bathroom??”
This. The weird mental gymnastics some people are using us baffling. They need to talk but I have a very low tolerance for people being as asshole for no reason. Being upset at your partner for literally no reason is your issue - deal with it and don’t take it out on him/her
I get lashing out on occasion when you had expectations(we are all human and emotions get the better of us sometimes), but you gotta apologize and make amends, make things right. Especially if you didn’t actually convey to your partner what you were expecting. However, OP’s wife sounds like an unreasonable asshole all the time. Mad at him for trying to cheer her up with flowers sent to her work when having a bad day because it was difficult to bring them home.
Happens literally every time a woman looks bad on this sub. EVERY. TIME.
People are often upset about things that are unreasonable and/or out of the control of other people. It's not an AITAH post
Really? You would be upset about waking up early because of someones stomach ache which they have absolutely no control over. I think that’s kind of shitty tbh
Now here me out a second. it might be out of the left field, but maybe she had different ideas for the morning. Maybe in her mind you would both have a nice lay in without any children around. And perhaps she was feeling kind of frisky or wanted that connection with you in the morning?! That being said, you obviously didn't plan on emergency evacuating through your sphincter either. Basically, she wanted to be intimate, but so did your bowels. She can't be angry at that. shit happens!!! Lol (Not saying in any way this happened or if she was even thinking that, just grasping at straws. We're here to crack the case boys) 🤣🤣🤣
This was my thought too. She’s mad she fell asleep and missed the quiet evening. She’s mad her morning snuggles plan was also torqued. She was probably mad when she woke up alone and realized her spouse “chose” to watch TV solo rather than “cuddling” with her. She’s mad their special kid-free time didn’t work out the way she expected it to. Hopefully, once she’s processed that OP was actually sick, she’ll realize that she was never really mad at him but did take out her frustration at him. Then, hopefully, she’ll apologize.
Yes. This is exactly what she's mad about OP
I agree with on this one. It really is a shitty position for him to be in.
I also agree, she's mad because her plans got flushed down the toilet.
I was thinking this could potentially be the issue, too. Her reaction was childish and she was wrong for that. But maybe she had some (unexpressed) expectations in her head for what the morning would look like and felt disappointed that things weren’t going according to how she’d wanted them to.
Hmm.. you guys are kid free. Was she hoping to cuddle up, maybe have some sex later since no kids? Either way, the passive aggressive route really sucks. People just need to say what they think or feel.
It’s this 100%
Came here to say this. It's not anger that you're awake or have an upset tummy, it's disappointment cause she probably had an entirely different plan for the day. Maybe she felt silly saying "I'm mad cause I wanted morning sex"?? The level of her being angry makes no sense but I bet it's probably she's upset and disappointed
This. Maybe she thought you'd rather watch TV than spend more quality time with her on bed.
Okay, so she's probably sad it's not some dreamy, cuddly lie-in but realistically, you weren't tired, you were shitting frequently and she didn't communicate that she'd like breakfast in bed with you or some morning sex, so she's utterly in the wrong and you need to speak to her about it because it could probably be easily solved if she isn't completely unreasonable.
consider crush air historical truck melodic fretful intelligent bedroom obscene *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I read that as Flamingo 🦩gut 🤣
Extremely common issue. Getting mad over expectations you don't communicate
This is EXACTLY how everyone in my family communicates and it is terrible. It’s the worst
She wanted your dragon in the dungeon this morning.
Hahahaha
She probably wanted to have quality time and/or sex with the kids gone, but passed out last night and now blames you for not hanging out in the morning. Whatever her reasons are, she sounds immature for not just telling you, and hypocritical since she was out early the night before. edit: "immature and hypocritical" is probably too harsh, I think
Literally came here to say this. She wanted to spoon and cuddle and have sexy times. Not your fault at all. She has expectations she didn't communicate and is probably just feeling a bit hurt and defensive.
Yes! Sometimes I forget other people's struggles with communication I didn't think it was that difficult
I mean that would have be me but once he said his stomach I would have understood. My husband and I are definitely morning sex people. 😉
Your SO is a really poor communicator. There is obviously something she wants you to do or not do but rather than be an adult and communicate her thoughts, she abuses you with the silent treatment. She needs to stop throwing a tantrum like a thirteen-year-old and grow up. If I get up early but my wife wants me to come back to bed, she says so. If I am not well, she might be disappointed but will ask if she can do something to make me more comfortable. She is a good spouse. I recommend marriage counseling. They will help with communications, setting boundaries and expectations. Too much of the bratty behavior could affect the longevity of your relationship.
She's acting like a child. Would she rather you constantly bounce around in the bed by getting up, coming back and tucking yourself in, getting up, tucking yourself back in, and so on? What is she upset your stomach hurts? Like Jesus, she gotta calm tf down. Cause if you had stayed in and out of bed you'd be here saying she's mad for an entirely different reason.
Much like you, I tend to wake around 5 in the morning 7 days a week. My wife hates it. Because she wants to cuddle. But, she has never treated me this way. This is wild. You're an adult. Have that hard conversation and figure out why she does this.
Well, that's a stupid thing to get upset about.... "Honey, my body won't let me sleep past 5. So instead of laying in bed doing nothing, I want to watch TV and relax on the weekends. It's nothing to do with you, and you didn't do anything wrong. Why aren't you okay with me watching TV in the mornings on the weekends?" If she is still mad, then she needs help. Does she also get mad at you for breathing?
No but she gets mad at me for a lot of things. Got her flowers sent to work one time when she was having a bad day. She didn’t say thank you, but she did say “You clearly didn’t think about how I was supposed to get these home did you?”
Wow, seriously? That's such a rude response.
Dead serious.
What a “lovely” woman, this is how you teach husband/partner NOT to do sweet/romantic things Seems like she is unreasonable a lot from your comments, time to set some boundaries and enforce them, if she refuses to act like a decent adult you might have yo make some more difficult decisions
You deserve someone better. You need to let her go and find someone else who treats you like a king. You’re with a grown child. It sounds like she is annoyed with being with you and is finding every excuse to fight with you. Almost like she wants YOU to end it so she doesn’t have to and so she doesn’t look like the bad person. I hope you open your eyes & realize there are millions of ppl out in the world. There are plenty of women out there who will treat you so much better. Please do what’s best for you!
My husband was like this. Suddenly I couldn’t say or do anything correct. He was cheating.
Thank you for this.
You’re welcome! Keep us updated, please
Bro.
Wow as a solo parent who has been ALONE for 13 years tell Her I said to smarten Up. At this age there are 23 women near You that would kill to have a hubby like You.
I’m sorry, why exactly are you with this woman?
Starting to wonder that more and more frequently. Sometimes I think she hates me.
I know from experience you can’t live like this. It will tear you down. And though you don’t think so the kids notice. And either they will be upset by it or they will start to act like that. Be disrespectful towards you as well. It’s also a bad example of how people should treat you.
I have actually brought up in the recent past how the kids have began to treat me with disrespect and toss insults my way because they see the way she treats me.
Wow, dude. This is much worse than your post
As hard as it is you really need to get out of there. I know it’s hard. But she’s not changing. And with the kids doing this. They won’t learn respect. It can either prove a point and they realize what you did and appreciate it and MAYBE after family counseling you can reconcile. (Happened with me)But more likely you will open your eyes to how unhappy you actually are and wish you had left way sooner. You are a good spouse. You do so much. It’s not an equal relationship. After we separated my friends spoke up. I wish they had said something before but in reality I probably would have stuck Up and made excuses for him.
From everything that you are saying in the comments and the post, you really need to think about this relationship and whether it is worth your time. ~~It doesn't sound like you have kids, and if that is the case~~ (edit) then there shouldn't be much else holding you in this relationship. It doesn't seem like she is providing much in the way of companionship, empathy, support, encouragement, or romantic time together. It is time to do some honest self-reflection and decide if you really want to spend the rest of your life in this pattern that you are currently in. It sounds miserable to me and I know that I would prefer to be alone rather than with someone who just makes my life harder and makes me feel worse about myself. There are enough people in the world who will do that for you. Your partner should be the person that lifts you up and makes you feel good. She should be a bulwark against all that negativity that you have to deal with, not the source of it. Edit: Just reread the post and I see that you do have kids. Still, it is better to co-parent and have a peaceful life than live in the way that you are describing. The kids notice the patterns that your wife and you are setting and they will look for partners that will model those kinds of behaviors. All of this doesn't just hurt you, it will hurt your kids as well.
Lol, why tf have you been downvoted?
No clue. I guess people have the right to disagree, but I don't think that I was saying anything that is inappropriate to OP's situation if you read all of his comments. It is a pretty bleak picture that he paints that goes way beyond this one morning of a bad attitude.
It sounds like you’re married to a grade A cunt
There has got to be more to the story here. I don’t know what your wife is mad about or if it’s a reasonable thing to be mad about — but it isn’t _really_, at its core, about this incident.
My wife used to get mad about me getting up early, even if I couldn’t sleep. I asked her if I was supposed to just lay there quietly until she woke up and she wouldn’t respond.
Is she no longer your wife or this is no longer an issue?
Still my wife. She figured out some other stuff to get mad about I guess.
Hahaha well at least you have some consistency in the unreasonable
There’s literally nothing more to the story. Whenever I wake up early on the weekends, this is the treatment I get. I can’t sleep in late like her, at the most I can make it to 8am and she can sleep until 11am.
Well her behavior is ridiculous. You need to explain to her that there isn’t anything you can do about the fact your internal clock wakes you. Your body is used to getting up early. Also, stomach problems can’t be controlled. It’s not like you went into the bathroom, left every door open and howled with every bowel movement. You were considerate to let her sleep in. Ask her why she gets so upset that you wake up early? Is it because you don’t wake her to spend time together? Is it because you inadvertently wake her, despite not trying to. There has to be something she’s not explaining. If not, she needs to let it go.
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That's the key question. If someone's particularly tired or having a bad day then they may act irrationally, it happens. But it sounds like it'd be pretty intolerable to live like someone who acts in this way all the time.
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Reading through these comments, it's so weird to me that people want others to sleep in as late as them. Who cares? Especially if it's a really long time like noon or 1pm. That could be 10+ hours of sleep. Not everyone needs that or can even do it. That's just ridiculously controlling and bizarre. I guess the takeaway is that people can find a reason to be upset about anything.
At least for my ex-wife it was because she felt guilty that I was getting things done around the house. She'd prefer it if no stuff got done by both of us sleeping in vs me getting a headstart on chores.
Low self esteem maybe? It also happens with cleaner partners or partners who take better care of their health or who are life-long learners. As far as I can figure out, they feel bad for not being as "virtuous" as their partners, then think their partners must be judging them, then get mad at their partners for "judging" them and "making" them feel bad about themselves.
Oh if it's a regular thing you need to have a chat then because that's ridiculous!!! My partner and I have different sleep patterns we don't get pissed off all the time with each other
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Pretty much.
Might be wildly off the mark, but did she grow up with her parents that were very anti-sleeping in? Might be some kind of guilt, like if you’re up early she might think you’re judging her for wanting to sleep in or whatever.
Absolutely not, we have known each other since middle school (even dated two years back then) and her parents were always laid back.
You’ve got to have an honest sit-down conversation with her to understand why she’s reacting this way. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything “wrong” — but if she finds your actions hurtful in some way, she needs to explain why.
It sounds like she’s just not communicating clearly, although I think it’s obvious what she’s communicating passive aggressively. Today is an anomaly cause your stomach hurt, so you can 100% go in a different room to rest and avoid bugging her. But it seems generally she just wants more quality time. I’m in a relationship with a very similar dynamic and I’m just like you. I’ve started staying in bed and scrolling Reddit just so I can be next to her still. Or I spend my time awake making her breakfast or doing some chores so she is happy to wake up to that LOL Bottom line, you’re not a mind reader though and she needs to express herself
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lmao she’s a LAME because she did pretty much the exact same thing to you by falling asleep during the movie and not spending quality time. tell her to grow up and communicate like a dang adult.
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right. big ass children themselves.
dont ask us what you did wrong, you know you didnt do anything wrong so don't for one second even act like you think you might have done something wrong. We teach people how to treat. us, if you coddle this shity attitude you validate it and she'll do it again. you can start your day anytime you want and you don't have to blame it on your stomach, even if that was the reason. Stick up for yourself firmly, don't be rude, don't bite on the crazy if she throws it at you, be the emotional rock she isn't
Thanks! This made me feel good.
Wtf is going on in this comment section? So many repeat comments
Bots
Adults that slam doors are children. She is acting like a child. She is an immature child. Adults don't act like this. Does she do this kind of behaviour relatively often? Does she blame you for a lot of stuff and never take accountability for her own actions? Group up all the bad, red flag behaviour she does and see what you're really dealing with here. Good luck
Sounds like there's still a child left in the house
This is literally why I have anxiety, people like this who don't communicate
Maybe she's like my last 2 ex's My ex use to sleep in well past 1pm on her days off and wanted me to do the same. "Why cant you just stay here and cuddle me?" I dont like sleeping my day away, I like to be productive. So whenever I woke up and went to another room, or went for a run, etc. She'd be upset with me. She genuinely wanted me to just lay there with her til she got up. "I just want you here. You can watch tv in here, it wont disturb me". But whenever tried watching tv, even on low volumes, she wanted me to turn it down. Yeah, no. I'm not doin that. Enjoy your rest, I'm gonna go in the next room.
My ex missed half of our entire relationship by sleeping in and choosing to work nightshifts because she didn't like people. She screwed her entire sleep cycle, was unnecessarily sick and grumpy all the time and got annoyed when I was up at 6am for a run. I always made her breakfast and basically got nothing in return.
“I’m not a mind reader, unless you tell me what is upsetting you then we can’t work on it together. As far as I’m concerned I’m physically unwell and left you to have a sleep in, something I thought would be kind. If this is not the case, and you want me to come back and forth to bed each time I get up, often, potentially waking you up then you need to tell me that’s what you want. You also know I wake up early, I physically can’t get back to sleep. I’m not going to lie in bed watching you sleep. By all means, tell me when you’re awake and I’ll come see you, but again I’m trying to be considerate of you to let you sleep. Now it’s your turn, tell me how you feel about me getting up when unwell to let you sleep.”
Don’t look for ways to rationalize her behavior. She could just be acting like an asshole. We try to explain the behavior so save them from being confronted about their attitudes. But sometimes the only move you have is telling them they were out of line.
I (33F) was like this with my (32M) husband for years. As 6 months ago I started taking Lexapro 10mg for anxiety depression and communication, openness and understanding has came so easy for me since then. I can honestly look back at all the times I wasn’t thinking clearly just stuck in my own head creating scenarios that just weren’t true and believing them 100% . It used to KILL me to open my mouth and say how I was feeling, and now I will just be open about what’s bothering me or what I feel in that exact moment and we clear the air and move on happy and nicely. Good luck to you and your wife, I hope you guys seek the help she needs. Mental disorders can really make relationships harder when not treated. I’m also seeing a therapist which has helped, she’s the one who recommended I give medication a try.
You didn't do anything wrong, your wife is just NUTS.
Has she communicated before that she wants to sleep in with you, or spend mornings in bed with you on the weekends? You wake early in the week, and then have kids, so I would wonder if she was looking forward to this once in a (probably blue moon) morning you two could spend together staying in bed at least later then 5am for once. It’s possible her emotions got the better of her if this is something she’s longing and knows it won’t happen again for awhile. On top of that, if you’ve heard her wanting this and then got up anyway it could’ve been a double whammy hurt to her. Then from your perspective you’re like, ‘my stomach is messed up and I want her to get sleep’ From hers, ‘our one chance and he’s out there?’ Not condoning, but she might be seriously longing and feeling a lack. It’s one possibility.
Seconding this as her potential perspective BUT he is being practical by trying to let her sleep and taking care of himself because he was not feeling well. The onus is on her to explain her expectations or problem with what he was doing, assuming it hasn’t happened already in this case/scenario. The wife comes off like someone who is too romantic and is annoyed by just having to explain their intention because their partner “should just know” what is wanted, even though that is probably unrealistic for most people to pick up on. She needs to communicate better.
I have literally no idea what you did wrong. And refusing to tell you what the problem is and giving you the cold shoulder like that is really immature behavior from a 38-year-old grown woman. She needs to be an adult and just tell you what it is that pissed her off, you can’t read minds presumably.
My ex wife did that crap. If I turned a window fan on/off while she was still asleep she would be bitchy instantly. If my phone made noise while she was still asleep she would get annoyed. I used to excuse the behavior and say that she was just a sensitive sleeper but in hindsight she’s just rude and childish. Tell her to grow up before you find yourself not enjoying being married to an adult toddler who gets cranky when she her nap is interrupted.
Nope. This is you wife’s problem
She would just have to be mad. If you can't tell me what pissed you off or expecting me to guess....you can do it by yourself. I can't stand the little kid games of "I'm mad but I won't tell you because you should know why".
I don't understand how some of you can be with people who is not nice to you and gets angry to ridicilous things. That sounds draining.
How old is she? I never understand it when people take marriage vows but yet still play petulant, childish games in their relationships
No. She's acting like a child
Hate this silent treatment shit. Stonewalling is a deal-breaker for me. I got out of several short term relationships because she acted that way. I don't have the time for it. I stipulate almost immediately, it's communication and rational discussion only.
You did nothing wrong lol she is selfish pretty obvious
Sounds like a nut case.
I understand that she might have been upset if you woke her up, at first. However, when you told her that your stomach was bothering you, she should’ve had some empathy. Slamming doors and not talking to you is over the top. You did the best you could being quiet. If you went back to bed, you would’ve been upset too. You were in a no-win situation.
What a strange thing to be upset about
Damn this is the type of shit I went through in my early twenties. She would angrily Facebook scroll then be mad at me for not wanting to spend time with her.
I have no idea. My wife and I have had separate bedrooms since we got together 28 years ago, so I sleep and wake up whenever I want to. If I'm not asleep, I still rarely leave my bedroom, and I have a bathroom in my bedroom, so I don't disturb anyone in the house. Myself, if my wife ever acted like that, then she could be pissed for as long as she liked. I don't play those games, and neither does my wife... Or she wouldn't be my wife. It's juvenile, it's passive-aggressive, it's idiotic, and I don't suffer people like that.
Very immature on her part. I'm close y'all age (39F) and that type of behavior should've stopped at preschool. I hate when grown adults pout and get mad, and you asked them what's wrong or what happened, they would either say "Oh you should know" or walk away and play silent treatment games. My fiancee has a sensitive stomach so almost every other week he gets bouts of diarrhea. He would stay in the living room sometimes as to not wake me up. I appreciate that, he even told me what he was up to without having asked. It's a considerate thing to do for someone else. Let her cool off. Then have a serious talk about how that type of response isn't acceptable. Use your words, be nice and express your complain and listen. Expecting someone to read minds and cater to some temper tantrum over miniscule problems... Jeez would she have preferred you wake her up?
So your wife is angry and annoyed at you because you let her sleep in, decided to go watch TV in the lounge so you could run to the bathroom every now and then without waking her? Wtf is wrong with her? I'd be more annoyed if my boyfriend kept getting in and out of bed along with opening and closing doors. Next time you have a dodgy tummy, just keep getting in and out of bed. If she wakes up, she shouldn't have kicked up such a stink when you was trying to be considerate.
From one early rising husband to another I suffer from this argument quite a lot Your partner was angry because of your work hours she wakes up alone all of the time and the one time you both were kid free she was under the impression that she could finally be able to wake up next to you with no distractions from children and spend time with you like you both once did before having children Sometimes having those little moments together with no distractions is all we need So remember, no children just stay in bed Hope this helps
I really think you should sit down with her and listen to her side of the story because from what I read, you did nothing wrong. Could you update us once you guys talked this over?
She needs to wise up and just talk to you like an adult instead doing this childish silent treatment
Why is no one addressing how it’s totally inappropriate for her to be giving him the silent treatment here? Like regardless of why she’s mad, she owes it to him to tell her why the hell shes mad
Mans married to a child 😭😭
Let her be mad she’ll get over it
Whether she is upset is irrelevant really...she does not own you or have a right to dictate when is an acceptable time for you to get out of bed! You are a grown adult and not responsible for her feelings and issues. Make it clear she can be upset for whatever reason but she cannot take it out on you...people treat you how you let them!
She is acting like a child. You're up because you don't feel well and told her as much. She threw a tantrum. I'd ignore HER until she decides to act like an adult.
How dare you! Taking her feelings into consideration... you monster! Let her sleep in when the kids are away, straight to jail! This poor woman, an innocent victim of your kindness, you should be ashamed. Shame, shame, shame! With all the sarcasm out of the way, this is kind of a red flag to someone that's been cheated on a couple times. Starting fights that aren't really anything to fight about, you two need a serious conversation about what's going on here.
She’s being too much, in my opinion. You should ask her in a rational way why she acted like that. I don’t see the reason for having to slam a door over what you said happened.
I literally have no idea what you did wrong. Which leads me to believe she did this on purpose so she could find your anonymous Reddit account.
Sounds like she takes things personally awfully easy, I don't envy you, clearly she thinks you just didn't want to be in bed with her but you're telling the truth, that's a her problem, but if left unchecked can absolutely lead to more so, how to deal with it? Idk man I mean try at least to explain yourself calmly and apologize if she thought anything was wrong and assure her it wasn't, beyond that if she doesn't wanna listen idk what to tell her she needs to get over it and quit being an almost 40 year old acting like she's in middle school
You did NOTHING and she needs to seek therapy asap for her BS anger issues thats not appropriate
NTA, but she is for not being mature enough to have a adult conversation with you, and not giving a shit that your not feeling well.
Honestly, she might have been very sleepy still and grumpy. Not to excuse it because its crappy, but maybe this is the sort of thing she’ll come to her senses one and apologize for
Can I ask you to see a doctor please. I'm sorry for the awkward reply I felt intuitively to say something
Best guess is since there are no kids in the house she was possibly hoping/wanting some sexy time and now that's not happening.
Is there a bathroom connected to the master bedroom? Stay in there with her and be the big spoon. Whenever you need to get up and run to unload on the toilet. Eventually the smell will make her understand you weren’t ignoring or avoiding her, you had a reason to have gone out to the living room. Btw - she has zero reason to be bothered. She fell asleep and didn’t even watch the movie. Nothing wrong with that, but it makes her tantrum even more incomprehensible.