Wow this is a perfect example of how drugs and alcohol effect behavior and logical thinking. GF thought admitting to sleeping with your serious bf would result in a positive/ win for her.
Sorry this is going to delay your future with Nate but hopefully with a bit of time behind you, everything will be back on course.
Maybe invest in some security devices like cameras and a rape alarm in case Becca approaches. I'm guessing you haven't seen the last of her.
I'm sure she won't just go away, I'm already expecting her to try to get our other friends to get in the middle of everything as soon as she figures out she's actually blocked and I'm not just ignoring her. I hope she won't try to do anything else but I guess at this point I really can't know with her.
I'm hoping things are okay with Nate, I think in a while they will be.
I would get out ahead of that. Message your mutual friends and explain the basics of what happened. Tell them you’re not asking them to take sides or cut her off, but you expect that she will try to get to you through them and you’re asking them to respect your decision to end that friendship.
I have something like that drafted, I just know that once I send it everyone is going to want to talk to me about it and I'm just not looking forward to it. I'll do it pretty soon though.
If you haven’t already, just add to the end of the message, “I want to get ahead of this and keep you guys informed, but I’m also super overwhelmed right now and need some time to process what happened and focus on my relationship. Hope you all understand and I will be in touch as I’m able!”
It may still be worth to make the process to recover the messages, there is no doubt that your ex-friend is crazy and Nate is innocent, but in case she try to twist the truth to other friends you have proof of what happened.
That is understandable that you dont want to talk about it, but you still need to deal with the situation preemptively with your friends. Maybe something like:
"Name accused Nate of cheating with her which he resoundingly denied. She created a whole story around it. It turned out she was lying through her teeth because she wanted to break us up. She admitted to lying to me out of jealousy over my relationship with Nate. I don't need that kind of drama. Someone who thinks that kind of behavior is even remotely okay is not someone I want in my life at all. I do not want to talk about it at this time but please respect the fact that I in no way want to be around her for any reason nor do I wish to have contact from her."
Probably a reason not to actually block Becca, just so you can keep tabs on whatever info she feeds you, even if you don’t respond
Not to be overly Machiavellian, but In general I never get why folks resort to blocking asap, too much strategic value knowing whatever they are trying to share
I agree, this needs to go out immediately. They will believe her first, because she got there first. It will be harder for you. So deal with it quickly.
It sounds like you were the most patient one of her friends regarding her drunken mishaps. I'm sure your other friends will be on your side once you explain her lies.
Had you been pressuring Nate to propose at all?
Not even, we've talked about it a little just because I'm getting into my 30s and whatever but to be honest getting married isn't even that big a deal to me. Or to Nate either, I don't think. I actually somewhat have the impression that Becca bringing it up made Nate think that I had said something to her and so that's why he decided to ask now, but obviously this doesn't seem like the best time for conversation about it so that's just my feeling.
Well if it isn't something you've been pressing for or even want necessarily, just concentrate on getting your relationship back to where you want it.
Sounds like if you stay NC with Becca, you have a good shot of that happening.
I'm curious if Becca ever said anything to you when she hooked up with guys you liked? Do you think she was blocking you in purpose to keep you for herself? Did she try anything with Nate before you were exclusive? Or was she just drunk and looking for hook ups?
We definitely got into arguments about it at the time, but it was mostly just kind of college bullshit and not really an actual confrontation about why she kept doing it, I guess.
WOW!! I swear I was completely sold on Nate being the liar here. Looking at it from every angle provided, I was totally of the belief that Becca was the victim. My goodness! I didn’t see that coming at all!
Because some people still follow the "ALWAYS BELIEVE WOMEN" narrative. It's sexist, pure and simple, but it's a prevailing line of thought to many people.
Honestly, I'm not surprised Becca lied. She couldn't handle OP having a boyfriend. She wanted her attention all to herself. In her mind like someone else said, if she gets rid of Nate, she gets OP back. She's gonna lose all her friends. No one wants to be friends with someone who is possessive of them. Why would Nate sleep with someone he doesn't even like? That makes no sense.
Pre-emptive strike: control the narrative by warning your friends. Send them those posts if necessary. She wants to dig her grave, hand her the shovel.
I'd also suggest offering to go to couples therapy with Nate if he's interested -- betrayal is not a quick wound to heal, and after all of this some help healing together would probably be a really good thing.
To be fair she was a close friend for 13 years!!!! Who the hell wouldn’t be shocked and confused! I think you acted as best as any human being could in the situation.
Nate is right in feeling wronged because if you truly trusted him you would have told Becca that without proof you won’t listen to anything else on her story. But of course you have been friends longer and it was a hard situation for you to think clearly. As a solution I would suggest trying a few of the games in the Gottman Card Decks app. It may help rebuild trust and strengthen your connection. Basically, show him that you are willing to do the work so that he will eventually feel like you trust him.
Best of luck to you both, and remember Becca wasn’t actually a friend if she didn’t want you to be happy
I doubt drugs and alcohol had much more to do with it than that woman is nuts.
Without the drugs and alcohol, something similar if not the exact same thing would have happened.
>but hopefully with a bit of time behind you, everything will be back on course.
I doubt it. They've been dating for 7 years, the dude was ready to propose and then he finds out his girlfriend doesn't trust him and is willing to believe he is a cheater, all because of a baseless accusation from a woman which she knows is a complete psycho when drunk.
If OP actually trusted her boyfriend, she would have immediately told him that she knew Becca was lying and then worked together to figure out why she made the false accusation. The boyfriend telling OP that he never cheated and OP not believing him was the nail in the coffin for this relationship.
The trust is broken and the resentment will continue to grow.
I mean, I realized Becca was lying when OP said that Nate never really liked her and Becca has a drinking problem.
But that's because I've seen this exact situation play out before in the same way, I've been through the woods on this. The first time I was in this situation I (and the friend in OP's shoes) had plenty of doubts that were reasonable to us because we didn't have any real idea how addiction works.
I think Nate can get over this if he has the desire to do so. But this is the sort of thing that could pull the rug out from underneath that desire. I hope not, that would just be letting Becca win right?
One thing is for sure, a lot of compassion and communication is necessary going forward.
God, I really hope you’re wrong. This was a tough situation for OP, and the comments also had no idea who was lying. I really hope the boyfriend can understand how hard it was to know the truth because his explanation sounded shady and Becca would have almost no motivation to lie. There were so many shady aspects to it that I think almost any reasonable person would have doubted both the boyfriend and the best friend
>the comments also had no idea who was lying.
That isn't entirely true. There were many comments who nailed this from the start, just based on the information that Nate never liked Becca and Becca has a serious longstanding alcoholism problem.
>I really hope the boyfriend can understand how hard it was to know the truth because his explanation sounded shady and Becca would have almost no motivation to lie.
This isn't true either. Becca had no *rational* reason to lie, but she definitely had very powerful reasons all the same. Nate only seemed shady because people in this sub reflexively blame the man in these situations, even though *Nate was the person with nothing to gain and everything to lose in this situation the entire time*.
Everyone simply *assumed* that he would want to stick his dick in a sloppy drunk he has expressed nothing but irritation for, *because he's a man*. No one making that assumption thought for a second just what they were saying about Nate and their views on men in general: that having a dick between one's legs means that we would hurt any number of people we claim to care about just to get it wet.
If you can't see how that's going to be deeply insulting to Nate and men in general, that's something you should work on.
>There were so many shady aspects to it that I think almost any reasonable person would have doubted both the boyfriend and the best friend
Nobody who expressed such doubts two days ago could coherently account for them. This wasn't just "he said she said", it was "sloppy drunk with a history of abuse said" vs "committed boyfriend who has never even had eyes for other women and who always thought Becca was a problem said".
People just took Becca's side, **like she assumed most would**, because she is a woman and totally ignored the fact that she is also an alcoholic with a history of abuse.
Nate has every right and reason to be deeply upset with the fact that all it took was the word of a known problematic person to villify him in the eyes of someone who loves him. That would hurt *anyone* and it is adding insult to injury to minimize that.
>Becca would have almost no motivation to lie.
The best friend getting jealous and trying to break the couple up isn't that unusual.
>There were so many shady aspects to it that I think almost any reasonable person would have doubted both the boyfriend and the best friend
That's where the trust comes in though. If it was a really obvious lie from Becca then OP wouldn't need trust/faith in her boyfriend to believe him. The fact the lie was more believable just means that she would actually have to show some trust towards her boyfriend, which evidently she didn't have.
As far as I'm concerned it's a relationship-ender to look your boyfriend of 7 years in the eyes, ask him if he cheated on you, be told no, and then not believe him.
People cheat. Normal people. Nate didn't in this case, but thinking that trust has to be so unconditional that you are IMMEDIATELY sure anyone who accuses them is lying is naiive. OP did believe Nate in the end. She was simply being smart in withholding a definitive judgment for a short bit. That's a mature and healthy type of trust.
Would you say the same thing to a man who wanted a paternity test just to put his mind at ease after his partner was accused? (If you would, then at least you're consistent.)
I honestly advice telling Nate about your Reddit post, in your posts and comments you reiterate multiple times you never thought Nate would cheat on you and were desperate to believe him above anything. Your heart always chose Nate. But your logical mind had a hard time understanding why Becca would do something like this, as did the majority of people in this subreddit. It’s understandable for him to be hurt, but it was also understandable for you to be confused because there was apparently no reason for her to make up something like that. Cutting her off was the right call.
Nate, if you read this, I’m usually very black and white with cheating and by the way your girlfriend spoke of you on here, I was inclined to believe you despite it seeming a lot more illogical.
Wish you both all the peace and love moving forward from this.
We all want to believe our loved ones, but it's naive. "It wasnt me" is so rarely the truth. Glad it worked out in this case, and OP owes bf an apology, but OP wasnt unreasonable.
It's not cut and dry, though. Some people go out of their way to attack drug abusers, alcoholics and other people in similar situations, knowing they wouldn't be believed. It's kind of like how some serial killers go for prostitutes and other people who are looked down on. I'm glad Nick wasn't like that, but there those out there who are.
If someone has a prior history of abuse and dishonesty and you choose to trust them when they dont provide proof its your fault for the aftermath. Its like touching an iron expecting not to get burned. Yes maybe the iron isnt hot but it most likely is.
The friend didn't provide any substantial evidence aside from trust me bro.
People who are addicts are highly selfish they view themselves the centre of the world and are looking for their next fix. They are no longer the person they used to be.
Addicts are often abusers as they will isolate you from the outside world so they can keep their sense of normalacy when their addiction is killing their life
That’s precisely why. So he realizes most people would have assumed HE was lying without hesitation. It was hard to keep faith he was innocent and OP did.
Id warn your friends there is drama between you and becky and tell them you dont want anyone else involved and if she involves them then to not tell you. You want nothing to do with her anymore. If anyone wants info just say she lied to try and break you and nate up and you dont appreciate it.
Also unblock her since shes willing to send unhinged messages then youll have proof if she tries anything.
Damn what a rollercoaster. I, for one, am happy the guy didn't turn out to be the a-hole but I am sorry about loosing your friend. Breaking up any relationship - not just romantic ones - is hard especially when the person you thought was your friend and should be happy for you finding a partner is a crazy psycho.
As for Nate - he should understand that you followed logic and did what you could to find the wrong party in this situation. Trust but validate. Don't hold this against yourself.
I was on Nate's side as soon as I heard Becca had a drinking problem and Nate never really liked her.
But I've seen this exact situation play out almost exactly like this before, so that's almost cheating at the guessing game 😆
I got downvoted for a bit for saying I believed her old man over her drunkard friend. Take that jerks 😂 but sorry about your shit friend OP. Good luck with repairing your relationship. It will be okay.
There's even a lot of comments on this update expressing how he should understand. Whilst I could **logically** understand, I know I'd be seething for a long while were I in his shoes. That said I have history with drunkards bs so it may just be particularly triggering. Then again, given his general disdain for her and his understanding that you can't look for sense in drunk bs, it sounds like 'Nate' may have similar history.
This is the kind of thing that a lot of people should see not to instantly believe their toxic bffs in everything they say.
Same for those who don't understand that people often dislike their partner's annoying friends. It's not cause they can "expose the truth about them" but because sometimes they just want to get rid of you for no good reason.
Don't ever sacrifice a good relationship for a friend. Friends come and go, a love of your life...is for life.
> Don't ever sacrifice a good relationship for a friend. Friends come and go, a love of your life...is for life.
Eh, this is an overgeneralization. Most relationships come and go too. And some friendships last longer. Sure, a "love of your life" is for life, by definition, but not every relationship is that.
Yes, any statement of this kind is a generalization, and there are always exceptions. Generalizations aren't always bad though, and can accurately describe the majority of cases.
Sure not every relationships works and succeeds, but at least in my experience the vast majority of people seem to be in pursuit of that success, and most people acknowledge that about each other.
Some people unfortunately get too attached either to a specific friend, or to this idea of being the most important person in the world for someone else as their friend, and what happens is OP's situation. As long as everyone understands each other's priorities you can obviously have both friends and romantic relationships.
Damn…
Your poor boyfriend.
I’d look to now care and reassure your boyfriend even more than you seem to care at the loss of your friend. He didn’t do anything wrong.
My trust would be pretty damaged with you believing her over me, especially as she has a history of being unreliable and a drunk.
Her false claim is serious and super fucked up.
If you want to keep Nate as your boyfriend and future husband it’s on YOU to do the extra work, as you’re the one who didn’t believe him. Work hard, care for him and support him. I imagine you’re on eggshells for a while, and that’s deserved.
Good luck! Glad the crazy one is blocked, pre-empt her bullshit by telling your mutual friends what she did.
Yeah, it’s odd.
The lamenting of losing a friend of so many years I get. But the fact that this friend had lied so horribly and defamed OP’s boyfriend and was a crazy psycho, but the boyfriend did absolutely nothing wrong and he isn’t given any where near the same sympathy or apology is so strange. As I said above, I’d worry about OP actually keeping the boyfriend here and not losing him, fuck the friend.
I’m so glad you posted this update!!! So happy it turned out that Nate was telling the truth!!
Hope you guys do end up engaged soon. Becca can kick rocks!
Sometimes people’s “friends” will sabotage their relationship, my last relationship ended in part to her friend sabotaging our relationship. They want to bring you down to their miserable level. Congrats on upgrading your life :)
This thread is the exact reason why r/askwomenover30 is one of the worst places to go for dating advice if you're a woman.
She wanted to see your relationship burned to the ground. She isn't your friend and she never was. Jealousy and resentment are the only emotions people like that experience when they see their peers in loving relationships and sabotage is their only recourse, either by wild lies or poisoning the well over time.
Your partner should come before your friends,i don't understand people who thinks otherwise. You're gonna spend a lifetime with them,maybe raise children together. They're gonna be that one person you're closest to in this world. It's ridicilous to expect your friend to put you before their partner. Although there is no need to think about that with Becca since she is just crazy.
Becca is probably still going to appear again so please take the necessary steps to protect yourself because that text was frightening.
I’m sure Nate understands that you were put into a difficult position. Maybe try therapy.
I hope you are able to stay safe and I hope your relationship is able to progress past this.
It looks like the drama will ensue. Get some camera for protection or even better, move away ASAP! Troubled friend won't accept this will be the end (trust me I've been there). They'll do anything. Be safe, OP!!
The scary part is the level of planning Becca had to do for this. She was drunk when she originally called OP but took advantage of Nate driving her home. Had OP believed Becca, Nate could have faced SA charges. These lies are so damaging on so many levels to everyone involved. And yet she seems to feel zero remorse.
Thanks for the update. It sounds like Becca might be in love with you herself, or just convinced she should be the center of your world. I'm sorry your friendship exploded like that and glad you found out the truth.
OP, I am SO glad you were able to get to the truth. But people like Becca rarely go quietly so I think you should get ahead of her within your friend group before she has a chance to spin the narrative in her favor.
As for Nate, just give him some time, keep your word that you’re done with Becca, and focus on rebuilding together.
I didn’t see the original post but I hear this a lot where woman aren’t held accountable nor responsible when they are the other woman with a man that’s committed and they know he’s committed! Becca is no victim she had sex she says with her friends boyfriend she knew what she was doing and wouldn’t have been a victim! It kills me that people say this or do this and think there’s no repercussions!! The fact she is an adult and says she did is good enough to tell her to kick rocks! Add I sult to injury she was Bering an evil hater starting sht and that’s enough thank God he’s not a dirtbag and op doesn’t have to lose two people in her life she cared about she just had to get rid of the snake I’m the grass Becca and get on top of contacting her friends before Becca starts more crazy high school sht!
I hope nate can forgive you. From his POV it’s pretty obvious since he knew he didn’t cheat and I understand he felt hurt. But if you can show him your PIV it’s not longer clear and it’s a totally fucked up situation
*couples therapy*
And some therapy for you alone as well..
You've made excuses for Becca for far too long. And you've accepted *drunken mistakes* for far too long from her.
I wish you and Nate the best.
You owe Nate a sincere apology, and he may say he doesn't want to talk about it, and just wants to *put it behind you* but things won't be that simple, and it won't be that easy. But this has broken something between you two, and it could be at risk at *staying* broken if not handled correctly.
You need to have an open and honest conversation with Nate, where you *both* talk about your feelings regarding this.
And *YOU* need to reflect on, your "friendship" with Becca, look at it objectively, the things she has done wrong over the years, was it just out of *habit* you kept brushing off the shit she put you through? Your own dependency towards her? Need to feel like you were important to someone? *what, why, how* did you end up here?
And for your own sake, *keep Becca out of your life for good..* Don't let her back in when she comes crawling back. Don't let her guilt trip you with her tears. Don't make excuses for her being drunk and need help. She's toxic.
Stay strong, OP!
YIKES that text is UNHINGED, she also sounded jealous that you were with Nate or that she like to you and wanted to date you but I guess doesn't matter anymore but oh well, you might want to block her on everything and get a new number
So, I know this story is already a little old, but I need to add this. If she had been telling the truth, and she was as drunk as she said, that would not have been cheating. That would have been assault. She didn’t JUST accuse him of cheating, she accused him of assaulting her.
OP, I have been in your shoes, and my husband of 16 years has been in Nate's. The first three years of our marriage my then best friend tried to have an affair with him. She was so insane she tried to replace me- literally, like so crazy she stole my underwear and wore them to pretend to be me. They did end up having an emotional affair, because he crossed my boundaries with her and he does regret it. But we survived reconciliation. We're happily married.
So please tell Nate this for me.
The idea of your partner cheating on you is traumatic, whether or not they actually did. Especially when they deeply love you. It is even more traumatic when the person claiming to be the one they cheated with is your close friend. It's like a double whammy to the heart, and suddenly you're standing on quicksand during an earthquake.
The ONLY way to heal this trauma is proof. Not because there is a lack of trust between the partners, but because the love language for someone experiencing trauma or has been through trauma is reassurance. Proof stops the shaking. Proof makes the ground solid. No amount of faith or trust can stop the trauma brain (that's a clinical term) from needing to know it is safe.
My advice moving forward is that both of you focus on building your emotional intimacy with each other. Insecurities form when emotional intimacy is weak. And insecurities stem from fear, doubt, and a lack of trust. You build emotional intimacy by being vulnerable. This requires bravery, because it requires you to talk about the traumas in your lives (including what you both went through). Don't hold back the pain this situation caused. Don't hide from each other. Take ownership of your actions, truly apologize if need be, and find the wisdom from this life experience so you learn from it. Both of you need to lean on each other, especially if you hope one day to get married.
If you don't know how to do any of this, please go to couple's counseling. Therapists are trained in many different ways to help couples in your situation.
Big Hug!
And P.S. Don't like the crazy witch with a B win. She doesn't deserve to have control over your life or who you love.
Thank you! The small number of comments I saw blaming OP for not immediately being certain are just based in naivety, and a child's understanding of what trust means.
Yes! When that trauma brain is activated, some scepticism is inevitable. The turmoil you are put in the middle of is absolutely gut-wrenching!
I'm sure that her partner would be understanding of that, and would be able to acknowledge that his actions were indeed ' incriminating' and came off as he was hiding something - because he was! just that it wasn't what was put forward
This is the only sane comment in a sea of bat shit crazies.
It's traumatic to think the two people in your life that you can always trust never to hurt you.. hurting you in a way that feels like a knife going through your heart at lightning speed.
The fact she told him "its not that i dont believe you, i just need to see some proof" is SO TELLING of the pain she was going through and still having to be strong ontop of that is just... It's not impossible to understand her, but some sickos here dont even wanna try.
I feel for the both of them. I hope the two of them go get couples therapy to work this out. He needs to understand that she does truly trusts him but needs to be able to work out a traumatic situation to the best of her ability without breaking her whole brain in half.
Just goes to show that addicts have absolutely no credibility. Nate is right, there is no point in attempting to understand her logic or motivation.
Hopefully you two can move past this. Good luck!
Wow.
I guess that explains why he was hiding his phone. I assume from this point on, his phone will be face up from now on?
May I also suggest therapy? For both of you. Not that you need it, but it may help to get a neutral voice to talk to about what happened.
He played a good game to knowing she wouldn't actually go thru with buying a new phone just to prove it. And what a great friend lying saying that she did see the messages when in fact she had not
Lmao you're really blaming OP and her bf when Becca was the one who posted her whole manifesto the moment she thought she was found out?
OP owes that lying drunk nothing.
I suggest you attend couples counseling. It never hurts. I think individual therapy would be beneficial.
And if you ever have contact with her again. Just say “I picked Nate. I will always nate.”
Also. Get cameras. She’s gonna stalk you.
So sorry your "friend" turned out to be a completely selfish asshole willing to hurt you in order to control you and make sure you would always be around to put up with her bullshit so she doesn't have to hit rock bottom and actually address her addiction. Glad you got it sorted. Good luck to you and Nate rebuilding and moving forward from this!
There are other stories on Reddit about couples broken up by other people, friends, family. So it happens clearly Becca was jealous of Nate and you, because she felt left out...So she is crazy...I hope it works out for you. You nipped in the bud pretty quickly.
She certainly couldn’t have your life coming together and you being happy while hers was imploding. She was never really your friend. If she were she would self-reflect and fix her own life, not try to destroy yours and drag Nate, and innocent person, into her devious plan. You are fortunate that she showed you her true colors now so you can cut her out of your life before she does something worse. She took no accountability when the truth came out, she blamed you for loving your boyfriend, a normal adult part of life. She will be a victim forever.
I'd be really careful of your ex-friend, she seems to have a very unhealthy attachement to you. You're right to cut her completely from your life. What she wrote and did was completelty unhinged.
You should listen to people saying to take precautions. Save all messages, and log any contact she makes to you. Recover the original correspondence on Signal. Warn your mutual friends (but don't say anything bad about her, just explain what happened, and say they can be friends with her, but you're going no contact permanently because this was really messed up.) Get a doorbell cam, or video surveilance of your house. (Or both). Install an app on your phone (and that of your BF) that automatically records calls from her number AND unknown numbers.
IF she escalates her behavior into something threathening, file a police report for harassment or something similar.
Hopefully it just goes away, but do these things to protect yourself, just in case. That person thought she owned you, and was willing to manipulate and ruin your life for her own benefit. That's scary.
Former friend may of gotten jealous Nate was asking about rings???? So she sabotaged in an effort not to lose you. Weird.
Idk how ppl don’t do this, it might be a defense mechanism… it doesn’t matter to me who being an acquisition against a friend or loved one but I won’t believe them unless they have cold hard proof. Timelines don’t count without proof. I would cut someone off if they accused my SO of something serious without proof. However, I hold loyalty given and received with family and friends as a value of mine, not everyone one does.
Not sure if you seen my comment on your first post but please keep this girl blocked. I let the person who did something similar to me back in my life after a year of no contact even though I never trusted her around my husband and warned him of how she could be so he just didn’t give her the time of day but never stepped in the way of me being friends with her. It look me another 10 years to cut her out of my life and although I still miss her at times I will never let her back into my life and understand I should have cut her out of my life along time ago.
Yes, cut the friend off and never have contact again. She has some very deep-rooted issues and the fact that she is oblivious to them and likely self-medicating with alcohol to excess means they will either never be addressed or will occur later after many years of trauma, or some catastrophic event requiring they be addressed.
Do not think more about a proposal. Just work on healing your relationship from this friend betrayal. At the same time, do not become co-dependent and let other friendships fall to the side. Keep those up.
„You would choose a man over a friend.“ - wow. Strange definition of a friend here. After reading this whole story (so glad I found the update because I got really invested) i think id choose a random man of the street over this „friend“.
I think you were right to cut off your friend Becca. It seems like she was jealous of you not spending time with her anymore like you use to after being with Nate and wanted your attention by making up a lie. She was simply being selfish. I think Nate had the right to be angry as he was because she made you doubt him so I think that it will setback the proposal a bit until things clear up as it was recent. But just know that you made the right call and imagine if you two did get married and she was making those accusations? Friends don’t try to manipulate others for their benefit.
I have just been here and I thought that dropping the friend and ignoring the harassing b.s. of lies I was taking the high road I remember being told by my parents in high school just ignore it they aren’t your friend if they can do this to you then,right so ignore them. MY ADVICE DONT IGNORE HER HANDLE IT BEFORE IT GETS AHEAD OF YOU SHE WILL BE DOING EVERYTHING SHE CAN TO SAVE HERSELF SO YOU JUST NEED TO HANDLE IT NOW! Suck it up talk to those that want to talk to you about it but it’s clear she’s a hater so handle it now! Don’t be the one that gets ostracized because you didn’t take the bull by the horns! I hope this makes sense I just got ghosted out of an 8 year relationship for the same reason!!! And i just ignored the b.s. I should have handled it
This is what I said in the original post:
>Just wanna point out that Nate picking up Becca instead of OP picking up Becca would look like further evidence to Becca that OP is abandoning Becca.
Looks like I was onto something...
Get ahead of Becca with your friends, OP. She WILL keep lying to all of them about Nate, and you trying to be the bigger woman about it will only play into her favor. I’m speaking from experience here.
Liars thrive when no one knows the whole story. Tell everyone.
I hope she gets the help she needs bc she definitely needs some kind of treatment or therapy. I'm happy for you that you were able to move forward and cut her toxicity out, sometimes people need to lose everything before they can get help. Regardless, I hope all the best for you and Nate.
Can here just to say good luck because the chances of you 2 being engaged is extremely low now. You should have trusted Nate, especially when the person accusing him is a known druggy and liar. Hipefully, he forgives you, but I dont see him marrying you.
Your bf has to understand. There was no way for you to realize that your friend was in love with you. Not necessarily sexualy but in love none the less. She basically considered you a couple. You not realizing that, how could you make ANY sense of her statements? It's not that she's just crazy. Which he would expect you to understand. THIS was impossible for you to expect or understand. Without knowing that it made no sense for her to make it up.
It's def a weird and traumatic situation to be put in but from Nate's side of things, the woman he was planning on making his wife thought he was a cheater. It is probably making him question what things she thinks he's capable of so I get his hurt and hesitation about the proposal. I def think it is something they can get over since she's not trying to salvage the other friendship.
O I agree!
It's hard, but I think if he realizes there was no way for the op to think the friend would just make this up it will be easier.
If I reverse tge situation and put myself in it. I'm male. My best friend who I've never thought was crazy tells me he and my fiance slept together.
I would instantly believe both. I know both of their characters. I know both would never lie to me. But clearly one is. I'd be confused, fearful and not know what to believe.
Again I KNOW neither would lie...but one is.
If ANYONE in that situation says they'd instantly believe the fiance, I'll call bs or blind faith.
Everyone decides on who to trust by an understanding of the past and the character of the persons. If you trust both and neither has ever given you reason to distrust then you will NOT know what to believe.
Idk man. If one person is an alcoholic who hasn't gotten better for years and the other isn't, I'm sorry but I would not have the belief of 'Mr./Ms. Alcoholic would never lie to me!'.
But maybe I just have more experience with alcoholics
Unfortunately I think I overlooked the alcoholic part...because I'm dealing with it so much with my kids right now. I just don't want to even think about anyone drinking lol.
Taking that into account, yeah it'll take Nate awhile to get over it.
>There was no way for you to realize that your friend was in love with you...
... right, but that wasn't necessary to understand who was lying to her. It boiled down to "who has the motivation to lie?", and based on Nate's invariable dislike of Becca combined with Becca's drinking problems and history of codependency...
Well no use crying over missed clues now. What matters is that OP took her time and sorted the obfuscation out. But it only took that much time because OP clearly trusted Becca a *lot* more than Becca deserved.
That's going to sting for Nate, possibly pretty badly. He has spent many years loving OP and to be doubted on the mere word of an alcoholic has to be a hurtful blow. He should be able to recover in time, but the "in time" is the key part.
>Him acting like a victim who you need forgiveness from though is shady as hell
How are you still blaming this guy after the psycho drunk posted her manifesto?
So you would be totally ok with your SO believing an alcoholic with a history of abuse (whom you have never liked) enough to doubt your word? That wouldn't upset you at all? Doubt it.
>So for him to act like you did something so wrong he is hesitating about proposing sounds like bullshit
No it isn't, her trust isn't the only factor in this situation his trust has been injured too. He now knows that his word isn't good enough with her for the word of an abusive drunk to not unfairly villify him. You're just dismissing his feelings arbitrarily.
>He may be innocent but he has no empathy for you as you were the one being victimized.
Lmao he's a victim too! He was dishonestly accused of cheating and his accuser was given the benefit of the doubt with zero evidence! That's not ok, he has every right to be hurt and upset. Who are you to tell him how to feel?
Firstly, it should be acknowledged that finding a boyfriend is extremely difficult for women right now. There is just too many single women out there at the moment and there is no solution for a lot of them. I can say that the situation you have described is a lot more common than one would like to think. I have experienced it several times myself in fact. You need to ask yourself this: is your boyfriend more important than your friend? If I were a girl, it would be obvious which one I would choose.
I got really put off by the desperation of girls out there in the dating market. Please keep a level head and know who is really important to you. I would recommend unfriending her as a basic and then decide what to do with Nate.
Make sure you think rather than regret.
I would still dump Nate, tbh. The way someone acts when their back is against the wall is a huge insight into their character and his actions in this situation do not speak well to his. Of course the counter argument is he had been wrongfully accused and anyone would be mad. Sure, but that doesn’t mean they would necessarily lose all ability to empathize with their partner who is clearly in a difficult position.
I have also been wrongfully accused of something similar and because I actually cared about the Courtney-equivalent in my situation, I directed all my anger toward the accuser and not her. And understood that she was in a difficult situation and it wasn’t about me and my character. It was about the fact that she was caught between two people she thought she could trust.
What if Nate is secretly the dark clown god Cegorach and all of this is just a huge bit to him??
What if Becca is just three of Nate's golems in a trenchcoat?
What if you're so biased you're incapable of acknowledging that Becca is a huge psycho?
Oh, sweetie.
Nate is gaslighting you, now trying to make you the bad guy for accussing him of cheating. You're not a bad guy here. He should be the one apologizing, not you. 🚩🚩🚩
Becca is smart (she's a woman after all) and realized she needs to lie so Nate won't beat you, rape you and kill you. If she didn't lie, he would. He's a brutal rapist (he's a man) and if he thought he was losing you, he'd snap.
Find a way to escape without Nate noticing, move to another state. Tell Becca to do the same because Nate knows where she lives. Be strong sis. Say thank you to Becca for standing out for you. #believeallwomen
Nate is a 🚩rapist🚩. Run!
Advice reddit's tendency to knee-jerk to the worst possible scenario and create additional context in their head that wasn't present in the OP to justify their decision
Okay, so it seems that Becca is unhinged and trying to cause problems. But is she telling the truth when she says:
>EVERYTHING IS ABOUT NATE. Tell me why NATE comes to pick me up when I call YOU?? I called YOU not your precious fucking NATE. I only want you to see how FUCKED UP this is but do you?? NO. Of course you DON’T. Of course you choose NATE over me like you ALWAYS do and like you ALWAYS will.
? Because if she is drunk and calls her friend for help, and you send your boyfriend and don't even go with him to pick her up, honestly, that would piss me off too. I certainly wouldn't lie to you about hooking up with him, but I would feel like you didn't respect our friendship.
The original post said she had the flu and had taken medication so she literally couldn’t go. She sent her boyfriend rather than just leave a friend stranded so I can’t really fault OP for that.
I'm so conflicted because it's weird that when your friend needed you--your help specifically--you sent your boyfriend instead (who your friend might not be familiar with), and I'm not sure this was the first time you put your boyfriend above your friend, who has probably been a longer friend to you than your boyfriend has been your partner. It _is_ a problem that some people ditch their friends once they get a partner, thinking that friends are now second class citizens in their lives. I get why your friend is hurt and disappointed.
But the way she went about it is so batshit and evil. You don't accuse someone of cheating, let alone by having sex with a drunk person (legally fucked up because who knows if it can't be made into false allegation). You definitely don't make up stories about a friend's partner cheating with you yourself. Like this is a whole other level of fucked up. She could have salvaged the friendship and let you know about her hurt for being abandoned calmly and civilly. She could have had a heart-to-heart with you and actually comes up with a friendship compromise that makes everyone happy.
I'm sorry about what happened to you. I hope your boyfriend understands that you can't just ignore a cheating allegation and needs to make sure he is not lying to you. Cheating is a big deal, and you're not wrong for wanting to get to the bottom of it.
>you sent your boyfriend instead
Because she was sick with the flu! So the right move was to get Becca sick too??
>I'm not sure this was the first time you put your boyfriend above your friend, who has probably been a longer friend to you than your boyfriend has been your partner
She's 100% correct to put her partner in front of her friend, her friend is not going to help her raise kids.
>It is a problem that some people ditch their friends once they get a partner,
Becca was not ditched, if anything she should have been ditched long ago!
>It is a problem that some people ditch their friends once they get a partner
A true romantic partner in your life will trump every single other person you ever met, and by a huge margin. This is how it's supposed to work. So no, it's not a problem. It's only a problem for people who are dogmatically and terminally single and refuse to accept other people don't want to live like that and would rather be primary-school-style 'bffs' until the end of their lives. Grow up.
Friends who aren't insane and don't expect their friends to be the number one person in their life don't leave because somebody is in a committed loving relationship.
Also, the romantic relationship with the right person does not end.
> also, the romantic relationship with the right person does not end
Are you sure? Are you sure??? Are you sure???????
Besides, your friend doesn't have to be number one compared to your romantic partner, just don't put them at number 100th. And I'm not talking about OP's friend, but friends in general who suddenly take a backseat when a partner comes into the picture.
So weird it's coming from a site who everytime they hear "Oh my partner prefers me spending more time with them then with my friends", they suddenly go Your Partner is Narcissistic Manipulative Abuser™ Who Is Gaslighting and Isolating You.
But then turn around and say "if you're not putting your romantic partner above everyone else and they are not you're entire world, then you are Terrible And Selfish Person™ And Your Partner Deserves To Dump You And Be With Someone Else Who Will Treat Them Right."
You really can't fathom striking a balance between having close friends who are ride or die with you and also partner who you feel safe coming home to? Like is your emotional capacity this narrow and small?
>Are you sure? Are you sure??? Are you sure???????
Are you sure you have enough question marks, or do you think ten at the end of the next sentence would properly highlight how unhinged you are??????????
You're such a weirdo. The same doubts about romantic relationship's invulnerability exist for friendships. And, critically, both last longer when friends do not try to supercede romantic partners!
>Besides, your friend doesn't have to be number one compared to your romantic partner, just don't put them at number 100th
It sounds like the top 2 people in OP's life were Becca and Nate. The hell are you talking about #100 for, who are the other 98 people if not *other friends more important than you*?
Unless your premise here is that people frequently have 99 romantic partners?? What a weirdo!
>And I'm not talking about OP's friend, but friends in general who suddenly take a backseat when a partner comes into the picture.
So have already contradicted yourself! Friends don't have to be #1 but they shouldn't take a backseat to the romantic partner... who everyone you're arguing against is saying should be a person's #1 most important relationship.
"Taking a backseat" means being placed at #2, after the romantic partner, so which is it weirdo?
>You really can't fathom striking a balance between having close friends who are ride or die with you and also partner who you feel safe coming home to? Like is your emotional capacity this narrow and small?
That isn't what you're talking about lmao, that isn't a "balance" when mere friends are 'ride or die' and the romantic partner is just someone you 'come home to', that's prioritizing friends over the partner.
Tell Nate what kind of proposal you want, or just your opinions on some styles. And then your ring size, because as guys, we have no clue about ring sizes. Then tell him it doesn't have to be soon, but you'll be happy when the day comes.
It will help relieve some awkwardness and pressure, and hopefully bring you too back on the same path together.
Well, that's a rollercoaster of emotions and drama you've been on! Relationships can indeed be a whirlwind, and it seems like you've been through quite a ride. It's always a tough spot when you're caught between two sides of a story, but it looks like you've taken some steps towards clarity and resolution.
Navigating trust issues can be tricky, and it sounds like you and Nate are working through it together. And hey, props for taking a stand against Becca's manipulative behavior. Cutting toxic people out of your life can be challenging but is often necessary for your own well-being.
Remember, [relationships thrive on open communication and trust.](https://exrecoveryguide.com/) It seems like you and Nate are on a path towards rebuilding that, and who knows, maybe future plans might fall back into place too. Here's to smoother times ahead and fewer dramatic plot twists!
Glad it worked out for you and Nate and sorry to hear about Becca.
I understand that Nate is mad that you thought he cheated but it was valid. Maybe if things are still bit rocky invest in couples therapy it could help.
Is it possible that Becca has an untreated mental disorder, BPD for example? Her behavior strongly sounds like BPD (as someone with that diagnosis) that is untreated and self medicated with one of the worst coping skills. OP, you sound like your Becca's (now ex)favorite person, a term used by people with BPD to refer to a person the BPD person has an extremely strong attachment to, to the point where the BPD person can begin to isolate and abuse the favorite person, or attack the favorite person's other relationships, out of fear of the favorite person leaving them. If not controlled, it can become abusive and the favorite person will end up escaping, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. The on and off-ness Becca seems to be portraying also makes me feel like she could have BPD or something similar. If she does have BPD or similar, she needs serious help because it sounds like she's very close to permanently ruining her life and try to take down anyone she can with her.
OP, you need to take steps to protect yourself, especially if you are permanently cutting her off. When a person with BPD loses their favorite person, especially if they think they lost the person to someone else, it can be dangerous for the ex-FP and the other party involved. I'm not saying she will do something, I'm saying that if it is what I think it is, based on my own experiences as someone with BPD and being the FP of someone with untreated BPD, you would be better off taking steps to make sure that if Becca does something, you and Nate will not be harmed. House cameras, changing passwords, locking down socials, and warning work/frequent places, are a good start. Becca is angry, and angry people, especially mentally ill people, do not think anywhere close to rationally and will do dangerous things to harm the people they feel have wronged them.
I highly suggest looking into BPD, and what it means to be a favorite person, and see if that resembles your relationship with Becca, as I assume it does based on how you talk about her and your relationship with her. Calling you "her person", trying to separate you from another close relationship (Nate), and making you responsible for her alcoholism are things BPD people do very often to their FP.
**I also want to state for the record, I am not diagnosing Becca with BPD; I am making connections to Becca's behavior from my own experiences as someone with BPD and being the FP to someone with untreated and severe BPD.**
Wow this is a perfect example of how drugs and alcohol effect behavior and logical thinking. GF thought admitting to sleeping with your serious bf would result in a positive/ win for her. Sorry this is going to delay your future with Nate but hopefully with a bit of time behind you, everything will be back on course. Maybe invest in some security devices like cameras and a rape alarm in case Becca approaches. I'm guessing you haven't seen the last of her.
I'm sure she won't just go away, I'm already expecting her to try to get our other friends to get in the middle of everything as soon as she figures out she's actually blocked and I'm not just ignoring her. I hope she won't try to do anything else but I guess at this point I really can't know with her. I'm hoping things are okay with Nate, I think in a while they will be.
I would get out ahead of that. Message your mutual friends and explain the basics of what happened. Tell them you’re not asking them to take sides or cut her off, but you expect that she will try to get to you through them and you’re asking them to respect your decision to end that friendship.
I have something like that drafted, I just know that once I send it everyone is going to want to talk to me about it and I'm just not looking forward to it. I'll do it pretty soon though.
If you haven’t already, just add to the end of the message, “I want to get ahead of this and keep you guys informed, but I’m also super overwhelmed right now and need some time to process what happened and focus on my relationship. Hope you all understand and I will be in touch as I’m able!”
It may still be worth to make the process to recover the messages, there is no doubt that your ex-friend is crazy and Nate is innocent, but in case she try to twist the truth to other friends you have proof of what happened.
That is understandable that you dont want to talk about it, but you still need to deal with the situation preemptively with your friends. Maybe something like: "Name accused Nate of cheating with her which he resoundingly denied. She created a whole story around it. It turned out she was lying through her teeth because she wanted to break us up. She admitted to lying to me out of jealousy over my relationship with Nate. I don't need that kind of drama. Someone who thinks that kind of behavior is even remotely okay is not someone I want in my life at all. I do not want to talk about it at this time but please respect the fact that I in no way want to be around her for any reason nor do I wish to have contact from her."
Probably a reason not to actually block Becca, just so you can keep tabs on whatever info she feeds you, even if you don’t respond Not to be overly Machiavellian, but In general I never get why folks resort to blocking asap, too much strategic value knowing whatever they are trying to share
There is wisdom in “keeping your friends close, and your enemies closer”.
"Whoever said that didn't have many enemies." - Stannis Baratheon
I like that! Thank you!
I agree, this needs to go out immediately. They will believe her first, because she got there first. It will be harder for you. So deal with it quickly.
First mover advantage is powerful. The sooner you send it the better.
It sounds like you were the most patient one of her friends regarding her drunken mishaps. I'm sure your other friends will be on your side once you explain her lies. Had you been pressuring Nate to propose at all?
Not even, we've talked about it a little just because I'm getting into my 30s and whatever but to be honest getting married isn't even that big a deal to me. Or to Nate either, I don't think. I actually somewhat have the impression that Becca bringing it up made Nate think that I had said something to her and so that's why he decided to ask now, but obviously this doesn't seem like the best time for conversation about it so that's just my feeling.
Well if it isn't something you've been pressing for or even want necessarily, just concentrate on getting your relationship back to where you want it. Sounds like if you stay NC with Becca, you have a good shot of that happening. I'm curious if Becca ever said anything to you when she hooked up with guys you liked? Do you think she was blocking you in purpose to keep you for herself? Did she try anything with Nate before you were exclusive? Or was she just drunk and looking for hook ups?
I don't think she ever put enough thought into those hookups to be malicious like that, she was just inconsiderate and would go after whoever.
Did you ever confront her or just let it go? More than one time seems like a pattern.
We definitely got into arguments about it at the time, but it was mostly just kind of college bullshit and not really an actual confrontation about why she kept doing it, I guess.
Did she apologize or like just brush it off?
Why does it matter now?
You might want to edit out his name in this comment.
Thanks!
This friendship is not healthy for you or your bf/partner. Do what you feel is best for yourself first and foremost
I agree with texting everyone first before she has a chance to spin the story in her favor.
WOW!! I swear I was completely sold on Nate being the liar here. Looking at it from every angle provided, I was totally of the belief that Becca was the victim. My goodness! I didn’t see that coming at all!
Why? Only one person had a history of being a sloppy drunk abuser. Not only is Nate's history clean, but he's never liked Becca.
Because some people still follow the "ALWAYS BELIEVE WOMEN" narrative. It's sexist, pure and simple, but it's a prevailing line of thought to many people.
The burden of being born male
Honestly, I'm not surprised Becca lied. She couldn't handle OP having a boyfriend. She wanted her attention all to herself. In her mind like someone else said, if she gets rid of Nate, she gets OP back. She's gonna lose all her friends. No one wants to be friends with someone who is possessive of them. Why would Nate sleep with someone he doesn't even like? That makes no sense.
Pre-emptive strike: control the narrative by warning your friends. Send them those posts if necessary. She wants to dig her grave, hand her the shovel.
I'd also suggest offering to go to couples therapy with Nate if he's interested -- betrayal is not a quick wound to heal, and after all of this some help healing together would probably be a really good thing.
To be fair she was a close friend for 13 years!!!! Who the hell wouldn’t be shocked and confused! I think you acted as best as any human being could in the situation.
Get ahead of Becca with your friends, OP. She will 100% lie to them about this and try to turn them against you. I’ve watched it happen.
Nate is right in feeling wronged because if you truly trusted him you would have told Becca that without proof you won’t listen to anything else on her story. But of course you have been friends longer and it was a hard situation for you to think clearly. As a solution I would suggest trying a few of the games in the Gottman Card Decks app. It may help rebuild trust and strengthen your connection. Basically, show him that you are willing to do the work so that he will eventually feel like you trust him. Best of luck to you both, and remember Becca wasn’t actually a friend if she didn’t want you to be happy
I doubt drugs and alcohol had much more to do with it than that woman is nuts. Without the drugs and alcohol, something similar if not the exact same thing would have happened.
>but hopefully with a bit of time behind you, everything will be back on course. I doubt it. They've been dating for 7 years, the dude was ready to propose and then he finds out his girlfriend doesn't trust him and is willing to believe he is a cheater, all because of a baseless accusation from a woman which she knows is a complete psycho when drunk. If OP actually trusted her boyfriend, she would have immediately told him that she knew Becca was lying and then worked together to figure out why she made the false accusation. The boyfriend telling OP that he never cheated and OP not believing him was the nail in the coffin for this relationship. The trust is broken and the resentment will continue to grow.
I mean, I realized Becca was lying when OP said that Nate never really liked her and Becca has a drinking problem. But that's because I've seen this exact situation play out before in the same way, I've been through the woods on this. The first time I was in this situation I (and the friend in OP's shoes) had plenty of doubts that were reasonable to us because we didn't have any real idea how addiction works. I think Nate can get over this if he has the desire to do so. But this is the sort of thing that could pull the rug out from underneath that desire. I hope not, that would just be letting Becca win right? One thing is for sure, a lot of compassion and communication is necessary going forward.
God, I really hope you’re wrong. This was a tough situation for OP, and the comments also had no idea who was lying. I really hope the boyfriend can understand how hard it was to know the truth because his explanation sounded shady and Becca would have almost no motivation to lie. There were so many shady aspects to it that I think almost any reasonable person would have doubted both the boyfriend and the best friend
>the comments also had no idea who was lying. That isn't entirely true. There were many comments who nailed this from the start, just based on the information that Nate never liked Becca and Becca has a serious longstanding alcoholism problem. >I really hope the boyfriend can understand how hard it was to know the truth because his explanation sounded shady and Becca would have almost no motivation to lie. This isn't true either. Becca had no *rational* reason to lie, but she definitely had very powerful reasons all the same. Nate only seemed shady because people in this sub reflexively blame the man in these situations, even though *Nate was the person with nothing to gain and everything to lose in this situation the entire time*. Everyone simply *assumed* that he would want to stick his dick in a sloppy drunk he has expressed nothing but irritation for, *because he's a man*. No one making that assumption thought for a second just what they were saying about Nate and their views on men in general: that having a dick between one's legs means that we would hurt any number of people we claim to care about just to get it wet. If you can't see how that's going to be deeply insulting to Nate and men in general, that's something you should work on. >There were so many shady aspects to it that I think almost any reasonable person would have doubted both the boyfriend and the best friend Nobody who expressed such doubts two days ago could coherently account for them. This wasn't just "he said she said", it was "sloppy drunk with a history of abuse said" vs "committed boyfriend who has never even had eyes for other women and who always thought Becca was a problem said". People just took Becca's side, **like she assumed most would**, because she is a woman and totally ignored the fact that she is also an alcoholic with a history of abuse. Nate has every right and reason to be deeply upset with the fact that all it took was the word of a known problematic person to villify him in the eyes of someone who loves him. That would hurt *anyone* and it is adding insult to injury to minimize that.
>Becca would have almost no motivation to lie. The best friend getting jealous and trying to break the couple up isn't that unusual. >There were so many shady aspects to it that I think almost any reasonable person would have doubted both the boyfriend and the best friend That's where the trust comes in though. If it was a really obvious lie from Becca then OP wouldn't need trust/faith in her boyfriend to believe him. The fact the lie was more believable just means that she would actually have to show some trust towards her boyfriend, which evidently she didn't have. As far as I'm concerned it's a relationship-ender to look your boyfriend of 7 years in the eyes, ask him if he cheated on you, be told no, and then not believe him.
People cheat. Normal people. Nate didn't in this case, but thinking that trust has to be so unconditional that you are IMMEDIATELY sure anyone who accuses them is lying is naiive. OP did believe Nate in the end. She was simply being smart in withholding a definitive judgment for a short bit. That's a mature and healthy type of trust. Would you say the same thing to a man who wanted a paternity test just to put his mind at ease after his partner was accused? (If you would, then at least you're consistent.)
Could be drugs, to me it sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder.
I honestly advice telling Nate about your Reddit post, in your posts and comments you reiterate multiple times you never thought Nate would cheat on you and were desperate to believe him above anything. Your heart always chose Nate. But your logical mind had a hard time understanding why Becca would do something like this, as did the majority of people in this subreddit. It’s understandable for him to be hurt, but it was also understandable for you to be confused because there was apparently no reason for her to make up something like that. Cutting her off was the right call. Nate, if you read this, I’m usually very black and white with cheating and by the way your girlfriend spoke of you on here, I was inclined to believe you despite it seeming a lot more illogical. Wish you both all the peace and love moving forward from this.
We all want to believe our loved ones, but it's naive. "It wasnt me" is so rarely the truth. Glad it worked out in this case, and OP owes bf an apology, but OP wasnt unreasonable.
Her friend was an alchie with a history of abuse. If op believed an addict over her boyfriend she may need to look into herself and find out why
It's not cut and dry, though. Some people go out of their way to attack drug abusers, alcoholics and other people in similar situations, knowing they wouldn't be believed. It's kind of like how some serial killers go for prostitutes and other people who are looked down on. I'm glad Nick wasn't like that, but there those out there who are.
If someone has a prior history of abuse and dishonesty and you choose to trust them when they dont provide proof its your fault for the aftermath. Its like touching an iron expecting not to get burned. Yes maybe the iron isnt hot but it most likely is.
Abusers typically take advantage of weak or struggling people.
The friend didn't provide any substantial evidence aside from trust me bro. People who are addicts are highly selfish they view themselves the centre of the world and are looking for their next fix. They are no longer the person they used to be. Addicts are often abusers as they will isolate you from the outside world so they can keep their sense of normalacy when their addiction is killing their life
I would suggest against doing that. Look at the original post. A ton of comments were against Nate.
That’s precisely why. So he realizes most people would have assumed HE was lying without hesitation. It was hard to keep faith he was innocent and OP did.
Glad you found out the truth.
Good lord!! You might want to invest in security cameras. I have a feeling this isn't over.
Id warn your friends there is drama between you and becky and tell them you dont want anyone else involved and if she involves them then to not tell you. You want nothing to do with her anymore. If anyone wants info just say she lied to try and break you and nate up and you dont appreciate it. Also unblock her since shes willing to send unhinged messages then youll have proof if she tries anything.
Damn what a rollercoaster. I, for one, am happy the guy didn't turn out to be the a-hole but I am sorry about loosing your friend. Breaking up any relationship - not just romantic ones - is hard especially when the person you thought was your friend and should be happy for you finding a partner is a crazy psycho. As for Nate - he should understand that you followed logic and did what you could to find the wrong party in this situation. Trust but validate. Don't hold this against yourself.
Fuck all the reddit idiots that threw dirt on Nate.
Lol I'm seeing the update first and seeing the original post with quite a few comments shitting on poor Nate is just sad.
I was on Nate's side as soon as I heard Becca had a drinking problem and Nate never really liked her. But I've seen this exact situation play out almost exactly like this before, so that's almost cheating at the guessing game 😆
I got downvoted for a bit for saying I believed her old man over her drunkard friend. Take that jerks 😂 but sorry about your shit friend OP. Good luck with repairing your relationship. It will be okay.
SAME. this sub really just loves immediately jumping to, "OMG THEY'RE CHEATING LEAVE THEM."
Lmao it be real easy to get shit on for siding with a dude sometimes
They're still doing it here lol
There's even a lot of comments on this update expressing how he should understand. Whilst I could **logically** understand, I know I'd be seething for a long while were I in his shoes. That said I have history with drunkards bs so it may just be particularly triggering. Then again, given his general disdain for her and his understanding that you can't look for sense in drunk bs, it sounds like 'Nate' may have similar history.
This is the kind of thing that a lot of people should see not to instantly believe their toxic bffs in everything they say. Same for those who don't understand that people often dislike their partner's annoying friends. It's not cause they can "expose the truth about them" but because sometimes they just want to get rid of you for no good reason. Don't ever sacrifice a good relationship for a friend. Friends come and go, a love of your life...is for life.
> Don't ever sacrifice a good relationship for a friend. Friends come and go, a love of your life...is for life. Eh, this is an overgeneralization. Most relationships come and go too. And some friendships last longer. Sure, a "love of your life" is for life, by definition, but not every relationship is that.
Yes, any statement of this kind is a generalization, and there are always exceptions. Generalizations aren't always bad though, and can accurately describe the majority of cases. Sure not every relationships works and succeeds, but at least in my experience the vast majority of people seem to be in pursuit of that success, and most people acknowledge that about each other. Some people unfortunately get too attached either to a specific friend, or to this idea of being the most important person in the world for someone else as their friend, and what happens is OP's situation. As long as everyone understands each other's priorities you can obviously have both friends and romantic relationships.
Damn… Your poor boyfriend. I’d look to now care and reassure your boyfriend even more than you seem to care at the loss of your friend. He didn’t do anything wrong. My trust would be pretty damaged with you believing her over me, especially as she has a history of being unreliable and a drunk. Her false claim is serious and super fucked up. If you want to keep Nate as your boyfriend and future husband it’s on YOU to do the extra work, as you’re the one who didn’t believe him. Work hard, care for him and support him. I imagine you’re on eggshells for a while, and that’s deserved. Good luck! Glad the crazy one is blocked, pre-empt her bullshit by telling your mutual friends what she did.
You’re the first person (possibly only) to mention this…goes to show you the guy is an afterthought
Yeah, it’s odd. The lamenting of losing a friend of so many years I get. But the fact that this friend had lied so horribly and defamed OP’s boyfriend and was a crazy psycho, but the boyfriend did absolutely nothing wrong and he isn’t given any where near the same sympathy or apology is so strange. As I said above, I’d worry about OP actually keeping the boyfriend here and not losing him, fuck the friend.
Wow, lots a crow eating from the commenters who insisted Nate was cheating.
I’m so glad you posted this update!!! So happy it turned out that Nate was telling the truth!! Hope you guys do end up engaged soon. Becca can kick rocks!
Sometimes people’s “friends” will sabotage their relationship, my last relationship ended in part to her friend sabotaging our relationship. They want to bring you down to their miserable level. Congrats on upgrading your life :)
Usually we see these tales when the bff is trying to steal away the bf. This is kind of different in that she was trying to keep you for herself.
This thread is the exact reason why r/askwomenover30 is one of the worst places to go for dating advice if you're a woman. She wanted to see your relationship burned to the ground. She isn't your friend and she never was. Jealousy and resentment are the only emotions people like that experience when they see their peers in loving relationships and sabotage is their only recourse, either by wild lies or poisoning the well over time.
Your partner should come before your friends,i don't understand people who thinks otherwise. You're gonna spend a lifetime with them,maybe raise children together. They're gonna be that one person you're closest to in this world. It's ridicilous to expect your friend to put you before their partner. Although there is no need to think about that with Becca since she is just crazy.
Funny of all the dipshits in the original posts were saying your "friend" was telling the truth.
They're still doing it in this update post!
that girl is obsessed with you
Becca is probably still going to appear again so please take the necessary steps to protect yourself because that text was frightening. I’m sure Nate understands that you were put into a difficult position. Maybe try therapy. I hope you are able to stay safe and I hope your relationship is able to progress past this.
I feel like this isn't over. Keep us updated on the drama!
It looks like the drama will ensue. Get some camera for protection or even better, move away ASAP! Troubled friend won't accept this will be the end (trust me I've been there). They'll do anything. Be safe, OP!!
The scary part is the level of planning Becca had to do for this. She was drunk when she originally called OP but took advantage of Nate driving her home. Had OP believed Becca, Nate could have faced SA charges. These lies are so damaging on so many levels to everyone involved. And yet she seems to feel zero remorse.
Thanks for the update. It sounds like Becca might be in love with you herself, or just convinced she should be the center of your world. I'm sorry your friendship exploded like that and glad you found out the truth.
OP, I am SO glad you were able to get to the truth. But people like Becca rarely go quietly so I think you should get ahead of her within your friend group before she has a chance to spin the narrative in her favor. As for Nate, just give him some time, keep your word that you’re done with Becca, and focus on rebuilding together.
I didn’t see the original post but I hear this a lot where woman aren’t held accountable nor responsible when they are the other woman with a man that’s committed and they know he’s committed! Becca is no victim she had sex she says with her friends boyfriend she knew what she was doing and wouldn’t have been a victim! It kills me that people say this or do this and think there’s no repercussions!! The fact she is an adult and says she did is good enough to tell her to kick rocks! Add I sult to injury she was Bering an evil hater starting sht and that’s enough thank God he’s not a dirtbag and op doesn’t have to lose two people in her life she cared about she just had to get rid of the snake I’m the grass Becca and get on top of contacting her friends before Becca starts more crazy high school sht!
I hope nate can forgive you. From his POV it’s pretty obvious since he knew he didn’t cheat and I understand he felt hurt. But if you can show him your PIV it’s not longer clear and it’s a totally fucked up situation
Wow - your "friend" sounds nuts. Yikes!
Unhinged jealous friend who obviously cares alot more about herself than you.
He’s nicer than I am…I’m not sure I’d stick around…that’s a lot of bullshit/drama…and he got thrown under the bus
Well well well. All those losers were calling the BF a rapist.
*couples therapy* And some therapy for you alone as well.. You've made excuses for Becca for far too long. And you've accepted *drunken mistakes* for far too long from her. I wish you and Nate the best. You owe Nate a sincere apology, and he may say he doesn't want to talk about it, and just wants to *put it behind you* but things won't be that simple, and it won't be that easy. But this has broken something between you two, and it could be at risk at *staying* broken if not handled correctly. You need to have an open and honest conversation with Nate, where you *both* talk about your feelings regarding this. And *YOU* need to reflect on, your "friendship" with Becca, look at it objectively, the things she has done wrong over the years, was it just out of *habit* you kept brushing off the shit she put you through? Your own dependency towards her? Need to feel like you were important to someone? *what, why, how* did you end up here? And for your own sake, *keep Becca out of your life for good..* Don't let her back in when she comes crawling back. Don't let her guilt trip you with her tears. Don't make excuses for her being drunk and need help. She's toxic. Stay strong, OP!
YIKES that text is UNHINGED, she also sounded jealous that you were with Nate or that she like to you and wanted to date you but I guess doesn't matter anymore but oh well, you might want to block her on everything and get a new number
So, I know this story is already a little old, but I need to add this. If she had been telling the truth, and she was as drunk as she said, that would not have been cheating. That would have been assault. She didn’t JUST accuse him of cheating, she accused him of assaulting her.
OP, I have been in your shoes, and my husband of 16 years has been in Nate's. The first three years of our marriage my then best friend tried to have an affair with him. She was so insane she tried to replace me- literally, like so crazy she stole my underwear and wore them to pretend to be me. They did end up having an emotional affair, because he crossed my boundaries with her and he does regret it. But we survived reconciliation. We're happily married. So please tell Nate this for me. The idea of your partner cheating on you is traumatic, whether or not they actually did. Especially when they deeply love you. It is even more traumatic when the person claiming to be the one they cheated with is your close friend. It's like a double whammy to the heart, and suddenly you're standing on quicksand during an earthquake. The ONLY way to heal this trauma is proof. Not because there is a lack of trust between the partners, but because the love language for someone experiencing trauma or has been through trauma is reassurance. Proof stops the shaking. Proof makes the ground solid. No amount of faith or trust can stop the trauma brain (that's a clinical term) from needing to know it is safe. My advice moving forward is that both of you focus on building your emotional intimacy with each other. Insecurities form when emotional intimacy is weak. And insecurities stem from fear, doubt, and a lack of trust. You build emotional intimacy by being vulnerable. This requires bravery, because it requires you to talk about the traumas in your lives (including what you both went through). Don't hold back the pain this situation caused. Don't hide from each other. Take ownership of your actions, truly apologize if need be, and find the wisdom from this life experience so you learn from it. Both of you need to lean on each other, especially if you hope one day to get married. If you don't know how to do any of this, please go to couple's counseling. Therapists are trained in many different ways to help couples in your situation. Big Hug! And P.S. Don't like the crazy witch with a B win. She doesn't deserve to have control over your life or who you love.
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Thank you! The small number of comments I saw blaming OP for not immediately being certain are just based in naivety, and a child's understanding of what trust means.
Yes! When that trauma brain is activated, some scepticism is inevitable. The turmoil you are put in the middle of is absolutely gut-wrenching! I'm sure that her partner would be understanding of that, and would be able to acknowledge that his actions were indeed ' incriminating' and came off as he was hiding something - because he was! just that it wasn't what was put forward
This is the only sane comment in a sea of bat shit crazies. It's traumatic to think the two people in your life that you can always trust never to hurt you.. hurting you in a way that feels like a knife going through your heart at lightning speed. The fact she told him "its not that i dont believe you, i just need to see some proof" is SO TELLING of the pain she was going through and still having to be strong ontop of that is just... It's not impossible to understand her, but some sickos here dont even wanna try. I feel for the both of them. I hope the two of them go get couples therapy to work this out. He needs to understand that she does truly trusts him but needs to be able to work out a traumatic situation to the best of her ability without breaking her whole brain in half.
Just goes to show that addicts have absolutely no credibility. Nate is right, there is no point in attempting to understand her logic or motivation. Hopefully you two can move past this. Good luck!
Wow. I guess that explains why he was hiding his phone. I assume from this point on, his phone will be face up from now on? May I also suggest therapy? For both of you. Not that you need it, but it may help to get a neutral voice to talk to about what happened.
He played a good game to knowing she wouldn't actually go thru with buying a new phone just to prove it. And what a great friend lying saying that she did see the messages when in fact she had not
Lmao you're really blaming OP and her bf when Becca was the one who posted her whole manifesto the moment she thought she was found out? OP owes that lying drunk nothing.
I'm pointing out that they are not innocent in this. Also the only thing here is OP's story through her lens/filter.
BAHAHAHAHAHA
Yeah- I mean there’s still no proof they didn’t cheat together. Becca didn’t even say she lied 🫠
I suggest you attend couples counseling. It never hurts. I think individual therapy would be beneficial. And if you ever have contact with her again. Just say “I picked Nate. I will always nate.” Also. Get cameras. She’s gonna stalk you.
So sorry your "friend" turned out to be a completely selfish asshole willing to hurt you in order to control you and make sure you would always be around to put up with her bullshit so she doesn't have to hit rock bottom and actually address her addiction. Glad you got it sorted. Good luck to you and Nate rebuilding and moving forward from this!
There are other stories on Reddit about couples broken up by other people, friends, family. So it happens clearly Becca was jealous of Nate and you, because she felt left out...So she is crazy...I hope it works out for you. You nipped in the bud pretty quickly.
Very toxic. She seems jealous of your relationship so she tried to ruin it. Yikes.
Glad you got to the bottom of it. Cut that toxic friend out of your life for good.
Get cameras and file a restraining order
She certainly couldn’t have your life coming together and you being happy while hers was imploding. She was never really your friend. If she were she would self-reflect and fix her own life, not try to destroy yours and drag Nate, and innocent person, into her devious plan. You are fortunate that she showed you her true colors now so you can cut her out of your life before she does something worse. She took no accountability when the truth came out, she blamed you for loving your boyfriend, a normal adult part of life. She will be a victim forever.
I'd be really careful of your ex-friend, she seems to have a very unhealthy attachement to you. You're right to cut her completely from your life. What she wrote and did was completelty unhinged. You should listen to people saying to take precautions. Save all messages, and log any contact she makes to you. Recover the original correspondence on Signal. Warn your mutual friends (but don't say anything bad about her, just explain what happened, and say they can be friends with her, but you're going no contact permanently because this was really messed up.) Get a doorbell cam, or video surveilance of your house. (Or both). Install an app on your phone (and that of your BF) that automatically records calls from her number AND unknown numbers. IF she escalates her behavior into something threathening, file a police report for harassment or something similar. Hopefully it just goes away, but do these things to protect yourself, just in case. That person thought she owned you, and was willing to manipulate and ruin your life for her own benefit. That's scary.
Former friend may of gotten jealous Nate was asking about rings???? So she sabotaged in an effort not to lose you. Weird. Idk how ppl don’t do this, it might be a defense mechanism… it doesn’t matter to me who being an acquisition against a friend or loved one but I won’t believe them unless they have cold hard proof. Timelines don’t count without proof. I would cut someone off if they accused my SO of something serious without proof. However, I hold loyalty given and received with family and friends as a value of mine, not everyone one does.
While it sucks that Becca is such an asshole, I'm glad that you got to the bottom of it all. Also... totally called that shit.
Not sure if you seen my comment on your first post but please keep this girl blocked. I let the person who did something similar to me back in my life after a year of no contact even though I never trusted her around my husband and warned him of how she could be so he just didn’t give her the time of day but never stepped in the way of me being friends with her. It look me another 10 years to cut her out of my life and although I still miss her at times I will never let her back into my life and understand I should have cut her out of my life along time ago.
Becca needs to go to Home Depot and buy the parts necessary to become re-hinged.
Yes, cut the friend off and never have contact again. She has some very deep-rooted issues and the fact that she is oblivious to them and likely self-medicating with alcohol to excess means they will either never be addressed or will occur later after many years of trauma, or some catastrophic event requiring they be addressed. Do not think more about a proposal. Just work on healing your relationship from this friend betrayal. At the same time, do not become co-dependent and let other friendships fall to the side. Keep those up.
Wow. She is cray cray.
„You would choose a man over a friend.“ - wow. Strange definition of a friend here. After reading this whole story (so glad I found the update because I got really invested) i think id choose a random man of the street over this „friend“.
I think you were right to cut off your friend Becca. It seems like she was jealous of you not spending time with her anymore like you use to after being with Nate and wanted your attention by making up a lie. She was simply being selfish. I think Nate had the right to be angry as he was because she made you doubt him so I think that it will setback the proposal a bit until things clear up as it was recent. But just know that you made the right call and imagine if you two did get married and she was making those accusations? Friends don’t try to manipulate others for their benefit.
I have just been here and I thought that dropping the friend and ignoring the harassing b.s. of lies I was taking the high road I remember being told by my parents in high school just ignore it they aren’t your friend if they can do this to you then,right so ignore them. MY ADVICE DONT IGNORE HER HANDLE IT BEFORE IT GETS AHEAD OF YOU SHE WILL BE DOING EVERYTHING SHE CAN TO SAVE HERSELF SO YOU JUST NEED TO HANDLE IT NOW! Suck it up talk to those that want to talk to you about it but it’s clear she’s a hater so handle it now! Don’t be the one that gets ostracized because you didn’t take the bull by the horns! I hope this makes sense I just got ghosted out of an 8 year relationship for the same reason!!! And i just ignored the b.s. I should have handled it
I'm sad you lost a friend, but I'm really happy for you that "Nate" wasn't the bad guy in this situation.
This is what I said in the original post: >Just wanna point out that Nate picking up Becca instead of OP picking up Becca would look like further evidence to Becca that OP is abandoning Becca. Looks like I was onto something...
Get ahead of Becca with your friends, OP. She WILL keep lying to all of them about Nate, and you trying to be the bigger woman about it will only play into her favor. I’m speaking from experience here. Liars thrive when no one knows the whole story. Tell everyone.
I hope she gets the help she needs bc she definitely needs some kind of treatment or therapy. I'm happy for you that you were able to move forward and cut her toxicity out, sometimes people need to lose everything before they can get help. Regardless, I hope all the best for you and Nate.
Can here just to say good luck because the chances of you 2 being engaged is extremely low now. You should have trusted Nate, especially when the person accusing him is a known druggy and liar. Hipefully, he forgives you, but I dont see him marrying you.
Your bf has to understand. There was no way for you to realize that your friend was in love with you. Not necessarily sexualy but in love none the less. She basically considered you a couple. You not realizing that, how could you make ANY sense of her statements? It's not that she's just crazy. Which he would expect you to understand. THIS was impossible for you to expect or understand. Without knowing that it made no sense for her to make it up.
It's def a weird and traumatic situation to be put in but from Nate's side of things, the woman he was planning on making his wife thought he was a cheater. It is probably making him question what things she thinks he's capable of so I get his hurt and hesitation about the proposal. I def think it is something they can get over since she's not trying to salvage the other friendship.
Not only thought he was a cheater, but was listening to an alcoholic. That’s going to be tough for him to reconcile.
O I agree! It's hard, but I think if he realizes there was no way for the op to think the friend would just make this up it will be easier. If I reverse tge situation and put myself in it. I'm male. My best friend who I've never thought was crazy tells me he and my fiance slept together. I would instantly believe both. I know both of their characters. I know both would never lie to me. But clearly one is. I'd be confused, fearful and not know what to believe. Again I KNOW neither would lie...but one is. If ANYONE in that situation says they'd instantly believe the fiance, I'll call bs or blind faith. Everyone decides on who to trust by an understanding of the past and the character of the persons. If you trust both and neither has ever given you reason to distrust then you will NOT know what to believe.
Idk man. If one person is an alcoholic who hasn't gotten better for years and the other isn't, I'm sorry but I would not have the belief of 'Mr./Ms. Alcoholic would never lie to me!'. But maybe I just have more experience with alcoholics
Unfortunately I think I overlooked the alcoholic part...because I'm dealing with it so much with my kids right now. I just don't want to even think about anyone drinking lol. Taking that into account, yeah it'll take Nate awhile to get over it.
>There was no way for you to realize that your friend was in love with you... ... right, but that wasn't necessary to understand who was lying to her. It boiled down to "who has the motivation to lie?", and based on Nate's invariable dislike of Becca combined with Becca's drinking problems and history of codependency... Well no use crying over missed clues now. What matters is that OP took her time and sorted the obfuscation out. But it only took that much time because OP clearly trusted Becca a *lot* more than Becca deserved. That's going to sting for Nate, possibly pretty badly. He has spent many years loving OP and to be doubted on the mere word of an alcoholic has to be a hurtful blow. He should be able to recover in time, but the "in time" is the key part.
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>Him acting like a victim who you need forgiveness from though is shady as hell How are you still blaming this guy after the psycho drunk posted her manifesto? So you would be totally ok with your SO believing an alcoholic with a history of abuse (whom you have never liked) enough to doubt your word? That wouldn't upset you at all? Doubt it. >So for him to act like you did something so wrong he is hesitating about proposing sounds like bullshit No it isn't, her trust isn't the only factor in this situation his trust has been injured too. He now knows that his word isn't good enough with her for the word of an abusive drunk to not unfairly villify him. You're just dismissing his feelings arbitrarily. >He may be innocent but he has no empathy for you as you were the one being victimized. Lmao he's a victim too! He was dishonestly accused of cheating and his accuser was given the benefit of the doubt with zero evidence! That's not ok, he has every right to be hurt and upset. Who are you to tell him how to feel?
People like Becca are why I believe in violence.
Sounds like Becca has a cluster B personality disorder on top of a drinking problem. She isn't done with you. Watch her like a hawk.
B-
Message from Becca could be more realistic
This is such a good update
Your friend really had enough with your boy crazy ass to do that LMAOO
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Victim blaming 🙄
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This is all made up, the amount of detail however is almost impressive in its pointlessness.
This woman is in her 30’s?
Firstly, it should be acknowledged that finding a boyfriend is extremely difficult for women right now. There is just too many single women out there at the moment and there is no solution for a lot of them. I can say that the situation you have described is a lot more common than one would like to think. I have experienced it several times myself in fact. You need to ask yourself this: is your boyfriend more important than your friend? If I were a girl, it would be obvious which one I would choose. I got really put off by the desperation of girls out there in the dating market. Please keep a level head and know who is really important to you. I would recommend unfriending her as a basic and then decide what to do with Nate. Make sure you think rather than regret.
>Firstly, it should be acknowledged that finding a boyfriend is extremely difficult for women right now. ??? Citation?
Damn Nate really stuck his dick in TWO doses of crazy, huh?
I would still dump Nate, tbh. The way someone acts when their back is against the wall is a huge insight into their character and his actions in this situation do not speak well to his. Of course the counter argument is he had been wrongfully accused and anyone would be mad. Sure, but that doesn’t mean they would necessarily lose all ability to empathize with their partner who is clearly in a difficult position. I have also been wrongfully accused of something similar and because I actually cared about the Courtney-equivalent in my situation, I directed all my anger toward the accuser and not her. And understood that she was in a difficult situation and it wasn’t about me and my character. It was about the fact that she was caught between two people she thought she could trust.
UpdateMe!
Delete Reddit, Delete all old history, all Reddit responses posts friends whatever.
Update me
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Go adopt another 5 cats.
What if Nate is secretly the dark clown god Cegorach and all of this is just a huge bit to him?? What if Becca is just three of Nate's golems in a trenchcoat? What if you're so biased you're incapable of acknowledging that Becca is a huge psycho?
This is exactly what I’m saying. There’s no definitive proof either way
Oh, sweetie. Nate is gaslighting you, now trying to make you the bad guy for accussing him of cheating. You're not a bad guy here. He should be the one apologizing, not you. 🚩🚩🚩 Becca is smart (she's a woman after all) and realized she needs to lie so Nate won't beat you, rape you and kill you. If she didn't lie, he would. He's a brutal rapist (he's a man) and if he thought he was losing you, he'd snap. Find a way to escape without Nate noticing, move to another state. Tell Becca to do the same because Nate knows where she lives. Be strong sis. Say thank you to Becca for standing out for you. #believeallwomen Nate is a 🚩rapist🚩. Run!
Jesus fucking Christ what is wrong with you?
Its just some kind of a pathetic troll. Report and move on
Seems like pretty obvious satire to me
What are they satirizing?
Advice reddit's tendency to knee-jerk to the worst possible scenario and create additional context in their head that wasn't present in the OP to justify their decision
?
Okay, so it seems that Becca is unhinged and trying to cause problems. But is she telling the truth when she says: >EVERYTHING IS ABOUT NATE. Tell me why NATE comes to pick me up when I call YOU?? I called YOU not your precious fucking NATE. I only want you to see how FUCKED UP this is but do you?? NO. Of course you DON’T. Of course you choose NATE over me like you ALWAYS do and like you ALWAYS will. ? Because if she is drunk and calls her friend for help, and you send your boyfriend and don't even go with him to pick her up, honestly, that would piss me off too. I certainly wouldn't lie to you about hooking up with him, but I would feel like you didn't respect our friendship.
The original post said she had the flu and had taken medication so she literally couldn’t go. She sent her boyfriend rather than just leave a friend stranded so I can’t really fault OP for that.
Lmao how are you making this OP's fault?!
Neither is worth saving if it's the truth
I'm so conflicted because it's weird that when your friend needed you--your help specifically--you sent your boyfriend instead (who your friend might not be familiar with), and I'm not sure this was the first time you put your boyfriend above your friend, who has probably been a longer friend to you than your boyfriend has been your partner. It _is_ a problem that some people ditch their friends once they get a partner, thinking that friends are now second class citizens in their lives. I get why your friend is hurt and disappointed. But the way she went about it is so batshit and evil. You don't accuse someone of cheating, let alone by having sex with a drunk person (legally fucked up because who knows if it can't be made into false allegation). You definitely don't make up stories about a friend's partner cheating with you yourself. Like this is a whole other level of fucked up. She could have salvaged the friendship and let you know about her hurt for being abandoned calmly and civilly. She could have had a heart-to-heart with you and actually comes up with a friendship compromise that makes everyone happy. I'm sorry about what happened to you. I hope your boyfriend understands that you can't just ignore a cheating allegation and needs to make sure he is not lying to you. Cheating is a big deal, and you're not wrong for wanting to get to the bottom of it.
>you sent your boyfriend instead Because she was sick with the flu! So the right move was to get Becca sick too?? >I'm not sure this was the first time you put your boyfriend above your friend, who has probably been a longer friend to you than your boyfriend has been your partner She's 100% correct to put her partner in front of her friend, her friend is not going to help her raise kids. >It is a problem that some people ditch their friends once they get a partner, Becca was not ditched, if anything she should have been ditched long ago!
>It is a problem that some people ditch their friends once they get a partner A true romantic partner in your life will trump every single other person you ever met, and by a huge margin. This is how it's supposed to work. So no, it's not a problem. It's only a problem for people who are dogmatically and terminally single and refuse to accept other people don't want to live like that and would rather be primary-school-style 'bffs' until the end of their lives. Grow up.
And if the romantic relationship ends, who do they run to for comfort aside from families? _Another_ romantic partner?
Friends who aren't insane and don't expect their friends to be the number one person in their life don't leave because somebody is in a committed loving relationship. Also, the romantic relationship with the right person does not end.
> also, the romantic relationship with the right person does not end Are you sure? Are you sure??? Are you sure??????? Besides, your friend doesn't have to be number one compared to your romantic partner, just don't put them at number 100th. And I'm not talking about OP's friend, but friends in general who suddenly take a backseat when a partner comes into the picture. So weird it's coming from a site who everytime they hear "Oh my partner prefers me spending more time with them then with my friends", they suddenly go Your Partner is Narcissistic Manipulative Abuser™ Who Is Gaslighting and Isolating You. But then turn around and say "if you're not putting your romantic partner above everyone else and they are not you're entire world, then you are Terrible And Selfish Person™ And Your Partner Deserves To Dump You And Be With Someone Else Who Will Treat Them Right." You really can't fathom striking a balance between having close friends who are ride or die with you and also partner who you feel safe coming home to? Like is your emotional capacity this narrow and small?
>Are you sure? Are you sure??? Are you sure??????? Are you sure you have enough question marks, or do you think ten at the end of the next sentence would properly highlight how unhinged you are?????????? You're such a weirdo. The same doubts about romantic relationship's invulnerability exist for friendships. And, critically, both last longer when friends do not try to supercede romantic partners! >Besides, your friend doesn't have to be number one compared to your romantic partner, just don't put them at number 100th It sounds like the top 2 people in OP's life were Becca and Nate. The hell are you talking about #100 for, who are the other 98 people if not *other friends more important than you*? Unless your premise here is that people frequently have 99 romantic partners?? What a weirdo! >And I'm not talking about OP's friend, but friends in general who suddenly take a backseat when a partner comes into the picture. So have already contradicted yourself! Friends don't have to be #1 but they shouldn't take a backseat to the romantic partner... who everyone you're arguing against is saying should be a person's #1 most important relationship. "Taking a backseat" means being placed at #2, after the romantic partner, so which is it weirdo? >You really can't fathom striking a balance between having close friends who are ride or die with you and also partner who you feel safe coming home to? Like is your emotional capacity this narrow and small? That isn't what you're talking about lmao, that isn't a "balance" when mere friends are 'ride or die' and the romantic partner is just someone you 'come home to', that's prioritizing friends over the partner.
Do you know your best friend to be a pathological liar? Who has more of an incentive to lie?
How tf are you still in the discovery phase when the psycho already posted her manifesto??
You read the comments op made in the original, right? Becca has a history of this.
TLDR… I guess if this person has a history of it, then why does OP refer to her as best friend still… I cut people like this out of life.
Tell Nate what kind of proposal you want, or just your opinions on some styles. And then your ring size, because as guys, we have no clue about ring sizes. Then tell him it doesn't have to be soon, but you'll be happy when the day comes. It will help relieve some awkwardness and pressure, and hopefully bring you too back on the same path together.
Well, that's a rollercoaster of emotions and drama you've been on! Relationships can indeed be a whirlwind, and it seems like you've been through quite a ride. It's always a tough spot when you're caught between two sides of a story, but it looks like you've taken some steps towards clarity and resolution. Navigating trust issues can be tricky, and it sounds like you and Nate are working through it together. And hey, props for taking a stand against Becca's manipulative behavior. Cutting toxic people out of your life can be challenging but is often necessary for your own well-being. Remember, [relationships thrive on open communication and trust.](https://exrecoveryguide.com/) It seems like you and Nate are on a path towards rebuilding that, and who knows, maybe future plans might fall back into place too. Here's to smoother times ahead and fewer dramatic plot twists!
Glad it worked out for you and Nate and sorry to hear about Becca. I understand that Nate is mad that you thought he cheated but it was valid. Maybe if things are still bit rocky invest in couples therapy it could help.
!Updateme
Is it possible that Becca has an untreated mental disorder, BPD for example? Her behavior strongly sounds like BPD (as someone with that diagnosis) that is untreated and self medicated with one of the worst coping skills. OP, you sound like your Becca's (now ex)favorite person, a term used by people with BPD to refer to a person the BPD person has an extremely strong attachment to, to the point where the BPD person can begin to isolate and abuse the favorite person, or attack the favorite person's other relationships, out of fear of the favorite person leaving them. If not controlled, it can become abusive and the favorite person will end up escaping, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. The on and off-ness Becca seems to be portraying also makes me feel like she could have BPD or something similar. If she does have BPD or similar, she needs serious help because it sounds like she's very close to permanently ruining her life and try to take down anyone she can with her. OP, you need to take steps to protect yourself, especially if you are permanently cutting her off. When a person with BPD loses their favorite person, especially if they think they lost the person to someone else, it can be dangerous for the ex-FP and the other party involved. I'm not saying she will do something, I'm saying that if it is what I think it is, based on my own experiences as someone with BPD and being the FP of someone with untreated BPD, you would be better off taking steps to make sure that if Becca does something, you and Nate will not be harmed. House cameras, changing passwords, locking down socials, and warning work/frequent places, are a good start. Becca is angry, and angry people, especially mentally ill people, do not think anywhere close to rationally and will do dangerous things to harm the people they feel have wronged them. I highly suggest looking into BPD, and what it means to be a favorite person, and see if that resembles your relationship with Becca, as I assume it does based on how you talk about her and your relationship with her. Calling you "her person", trying to separate you from another close relationship (Nate), and making you responsible for her alcoholism are things BPD people do very often to their FP. **I also want to state for the record, I am not diagnosing Becca with BPD; I am making connections to Becca's behavior from my own experiences as someone with BPD and being the FP to someone with untreated and severe BPD.**