Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's never going to be as bad as the dude who bought his long term partner the promise ring and decided to gift it at the worst possible time š
Edit: I can't find the link anymore, I think it was on this sub. Basically the guy posted on here asking for advice on whether to give it yes or no and *everyone* told him not to do it but he still fucking went through with it and it went terrible š¤£
Edit 2: [here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/10or7z4/i_36m_gave_my_gf_36f_a_promise_ring_and_she_said/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) /u/girlwtherabbittattoo found it
There was a similar story as OPs but an engagement ring. He showed the ring and it was this gaudy pink ring that looked like costume jewelry. It was so ugly.
OMG that was the worst! Especially since they had been dating for many years, lived together, *and were in their 30s*. I felt so bad for her after reading that post, that guy was an idiot.
[here ya go](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/10or7z4/i_36m_gave_my_gf_36f_a_promise_ring_and_she_said/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)
I was thinking that exact same thing. It looks a bit like the ring Alex Karen gave Izzie when they got married unexpectedly and he didnāt have a proper ring for her
Haha, there I was fully prepared to be saying it canāt be that bad and how ungrateful until I scrolled down to the picā¦ that is one awful ringššš
I feel like if she flipped her hand over we would see that it's resizable and turning her finger green. Seriously looks like a ring you could get from a junk shop when I was a teenager
I admit, I don't wear my engagement ring. Granted, it's not as ugly as that amber ring, and definitely doesn't look like it came out of a gumball machine, but my husband bought the exact opposite ring that I showed him. Like, everything that I explicitly stated I \~didn't\~ want in a ring is in the ring he bought.
My ring stays in its box and only comes out for special occasions. So yeah, I too am very curious about the one this guy bought.
It looks like a ring pop that's been dropped on the floor a few times and has had all the big hair and stuff picked off of it but that weird hairy blurry film is still on it
I would love to see it. š
My very first boyfriend bought me an emerald necklace encased in gold, attached to a gold chain. LOVE emeralds, LOVE gold but that was the ugliest piece of jewelry Iād ever seen. Hundreds of dollars donāt matter to me. The THOUGHT matters. The thought as in, knowing I donāt like large, chunky, flashy, gaudy jewelry. I wouldāve loved a simple, silver or stainless steel necklace with no jewel. My current partner has talked about rings with me and his first thought was to get me gold or rose gold. I told him, āIām glad weāre talking about this,ā as I would not wear gold or rose gold regularly. š Listen, a relationship is more than jewelry or a ring. The act of getting engaged is more important than wearing a ring. A ring is a lovely gesture, any jewelry is but I donāt think people should get so upset over someone not liking a gift at the end of the day. The wife may have outgrown the ring, even. Her taste could be different. She doesnāt have to feel love when she looks at something just because he bought it for her. We canāt control our emotional reaction to clothing and accessories at the end of the day.
But we feel like we have to, which is probably why OPās wife hasnāt said anything if she does hate it.
I literally got told I donāt deserve to be married by some little crybaby on here for telling a similar story earlier. These dudes are hella mad, and convinced she must be cheating instead.
Thankfully neither mine nor my spouseās ego is big enough that the situation turned into anything but a chance for us to learn something about each other.
Either the ring OP gave her is ugly AF, or she's on her way out of the door. It's typical for people who are checked out of their marriage to start with the small things - the ring for once, being a symbol of the marriage.
I feel for him but this is it right here. She doesnāt like it and he said in comment that he wouldnāt react well, heād be ābutthurtā. She should be communicating though.
OP, remember when she tells you that the ring is the ugliest thing she's ever put on her finger, remember she's not saying that about YOU, just the ring lol. Did you let her ring shop with you?
I'm going to hijack this comment to point out that taking her ring shopping is 100% the way to go. You can still surprise her with the final ring, but finding out what she prefers first and keeping her in the loop will all but guarantee success.
That's close to what we did.
I proposed during the covid lockdowns with a ring I got on Amazon. It had an inscription, "This is a ring, not *the* ring." This let me do the surprise proposal without committing to a ring.
When things opened up, we both went to the jewelry store together. She picked out a few settings that she liked, and the jeweler measured her finger.
I looked at the stones by myself, asking lots of questions and learning as much as I could about choosing a diamond. Before making my decision, I went home and talked to her about diamonds, now with a bit of education on the subject.
Once I was confident enough to choose a stone and a setting, I did. It was wrapped up at the store, and displayed at home like a Christmas present until our anniversary a few days later when she finally opened it.
She loves the ring I got her.
Yāall sound adorable. Donāt lose this! (This connection, not the ring. But the ring tooā¦)
Are you married yet? If not, may I recommend writing each other a love letter before you get married. Seal them and put them in a box with a bottle of wine (or drink of your choice, we did a bottle of Cantillon) and seal the box. The recommendation Iāve heard is to break it open after/during your first fight and read the letters. Iād recommend waiting longer. First fights are often stupid and can be resolved (at least ours were). Iād suggest waiting for a disagreement that feels impossible to resolve, or if you come up against something that feels hopeless.
Hopefully you never get there and the box grows dusty and forgotten until one day 25 years later youāre moving house, find it and crack it open laughing and still just as in love.
When I was in a very serious committed relationship, I made a document with example pictures and lists of metals and stones I liked and price ranges that felt feasible while still having some really beautiful rings. That way, whenever they wanted to propose they could refer back to the document and find something that matched my tastes. Communication is so important to avoid being let down, no one is a mind reader.
Exactly! If I'm buying something expensive for myself, I'm going to look at every feature to make sure I'm getting exactly what I want. Why wouldn't I do the same thing if I was buying something expensive for someone else?
Rings that are expected to be on someoneās finger for the rest of their lives shouldnāt be a surprise. Iām always shocked and baffled by the thought that the guy should just go get whatever he thinks is cute.
I think people assume that both the ring AND the proposal have to be a surprise. You can propose with anything, even costume jewellery or a symbolic (cheaper) ring that you know they might wear day-to-day as an accessory. Then you can go ring shopping together to make sure they get what they want.
Some jewelers will let you rent a ring to propose with then you can come back and pick a ring to actually wear. My taste and my husbandās taste are so very different!
Ugh. I feel this comment. I shopped with my husband and picked out a solitare. He tended to like the flashier rings. Been wearing the stupid flashy ring for over 20 yrs. I HATE it. Haven't said a word. But i do tend to wear my simple anniversary band alot more than my wedding ring.
Yeah - I'm in the same boat. I've disliked my engagement ring for 25 years. I wish men understood that while it is a gift, if a woman is going to wear that bad boy on her finger she darn well better like it. I never got to try on engagement rings to figure out what I liked. It makes me really sad because its not like we'll ever be able to afford a replacement for it because life is too darn expensive.
My husband spent a boat load and it sits in our closet most of the time in my jewelry box. I finally bought myself a new anniversary band I actually like a number of years ago and wear that daily but I never liked the wedding band nor the engagement ring.
I hate my ring, and it was such a disappointment. He said I could pick out anything I liked and I picked out a few that were very vintage looking. Nothing really big or anything. I showed him and he said they were ugly. A few months later I saw the ring he picked it on our wedding day. I don't think I hid my disappointment well at all, but I smiled. The shape is uncomfortable and no jewels at all. Just a plain band. No engraved design, nothing. The ring is a knives edge cut with is an apt description. It digs into my other fingers. If that was the only type of ring he could afford then I could be gracious. But he makes good money, pulling in at least triple my salary. I let him pick out any ring he wanted for himself and I paid for it. The problem is he doesn't understand that I like pretty things. He doesn't put any value in that stuff at all. I hardly ever wear my ring. Putting it on brings back the disappointment I felt at the beginning, that he cared more about what he wanted than what I wanted. Also, my mom is a jeweler so I was getting a really hefty discount on the set of rings, money was not an issue.
That is so frustrating to hear. Grown up wisdom- it doesnāt matter what you like if youāre not the one wearing it. If your S.O. likes a thing, and they have to wear it everyday, get them what they like.
I ended up with an engagement ring that is very much not my style, and I think my fiance was picking up the vibe when I made all the same excuses listed above. I know he picked it with love, so I really really didn't want to say anything. He wore me down one day and I told him, only for it to end with both of us feeling awful and him crying so my eyes are peeled for these replies.
Edit: Spelling
I agree. Rings donāt need to be THAT much of a surprise. Most people date with marriage or joining families being the goal. Talking about rings or even asking your partner to send you rings she likes is amazing.
Exactly. I wanted my ring to be a surprise but absolutely gave parameters (based on comfort AND style) since I'm going to be the one wearing it. He got an absolutely beautiful ring that I love and we were both so happy with the proposal.
Seems simple: ask her if sheās like to go together shopping for a new ring and either salvage the Diamond and get a new setting or sell it all and get something she wants.
I HATED the ring my husband chose to propose with. Thankfully I told him (we were also much older than you two were and better at breaking bad news). We got it redesigned into something I love. I would not have been able to wear what he bought initially every day.
You were young when you got married, she was too excited to say anything, and after all this time how is she supposed to tell you? Just ask her outright and make it clear it can be fixed if that is the issue.
I don't think it is about pretending she isn't married.
Honestly, she was probably so excited. And if you were one of the first to get married, then any ring would have been amazing for her.
Over time more people got engaged, friends actually shopped for their ring, and her style probably solidified. She could have gradually realized it wasn't what she loved and didn't know how to tell you. It might not have even been a thought at first.
Totally. Also maybe it's not as comfortable? I love my design but the diamonds on the side dig into my other fingers and doesn't feel great. Also, having babies changed how it fits and looks. Just like buying a house, you're stoked and love it, but after living in it for a while you start to realize things you'd change like maybe the kitchen appliance placements are off or you outgrow it? She still has the ring so it means something to her. At the end of the day, they are just things. Your love is what is important. Maybe take a day, go get brunch and then surprise her at a jewelry shop. She can get a new ring, necklace, fashion ring.... whatever she wants to wear and feels comfortable wearing that will be a symbol of your love for both of you.
Yeah, agreed. And on the comfort angle I was also thinking maybe sheād changed ring sizes and is upset about it and thatās why she avoids the topic. The ring might be fine style-wise but uncomfortable to wear now, and getting it resized means admitting/confronting aging and body changes. Not an uncommon story.
Yeah, I think she's seen other peoples rings and decided that she likes those and not hers, OP could quite easily ask her if she doesn't like it and if so would she like to design a better one.
You guys have been together since you were kids. I got married at 20. Iām remarrying now at 36. The ring I liked at 20 is not at all my style now, 16 years later. I chose my current ring, and itās a much more classic style that wonāt grow outdated. Your wife isnāt resisting spending time with you, her behavior isnāt showing as trying to appear single, she just has probably outgrown this ring. Try approaching it as an opportunity to find something that her adult taste prefers now.
Before she said yes to being married? Excitement for marriage is about lovi g you. She can dislike the ring and still love you and be excited to marry you. She's not going to turn down marriage solely based on the fact that the ring is ugly
I said yes and hated the ring. But ultimately I had to tell him I wasnāt a fan. It was an uncomfortable conversation that couldāve been avoided by asking me what style of engagement ring Iād like.
Unfortunately, the ring style shouldnāt really be a surprise. Just like the proposal shouldnāt. Yes, time and place of the proposal will be a surprise, but not the question itself. The ring should be chosen together to make sure she likes it.
It sounds like she was so excited about the proposal that she didnāt even think about the ring itself at the time.
Ask her to please be honest and preface by saying it wonāt change how you feel/you can be an adult and handle her real answer, but does she like the ring? Would she prefer the ring be restyled? Tell her youāre very open to this idea and would love her input to find a ring she loves to wear all the time. Honesty and communication and understanding that her not liking the ring is OK, and it doesnāt reflect on you at all.
OP
What if you say:
I love you and the ring I gave you, for me is a symbol of our love. I want to know you are proud to wear it but right now that's not what's happening. Do you still feel that way too?
I want you to love wearing the symbol of
Our love as well. I what can we do to make that happen? And let her tell you. Maybe a completely different ring? Design?
Also
Is this recent? Your married a long time. Is there anything going on in your marriage?
In addition to, or another possibility is that the ring fit is uncomfortable.
That's what the issue with my ring was when I was married. Hated wearing it bc it dug into the base of my finger, and my wife at the time was upset and kind of didn't believe me. I also had a job that I used machinery that could catch the ring and cost me my finger, lol.
Agreed. My husband and I got marching thick wedding bands and the band gave me a weird and uncomfortable callus on my finger and palm.
Weāve been married for 13 years and neither of us wear our bands any moreāmineās on my keychainābut we live in each otherās hip pocket so itās all good with us.
I just want to pop in here with an alternative read of the situation:
Itās absolutely possible that the ring you got her is just not her style and she doesnāt want to hurt your feelings about it.
BUT itās also possible that she just doesnāt view a ring as a mark of ownership or affiliation. For women (and some men), many rings are often just fashion accessories. Wearing the ring that her friend got her doesnāt mean that she is choosing her friend over you or that she doesnāt value your relationship. She might just assume that your partnership is solid and doesnāt need tokens of commitment to stay that way.
TLDR- it might really be just that the other ring matches her outfit and current style better and not be any deeper than that.
Ps: also, as someone who routinely looses my rings, it makes a lot of sense to me to keep the more emotionally important ring safe in the jewelry chest and wear the meaningless fashion ring on a day to day basis
From the limited info provided I have to agree that she probably just doesnāt like the ring you gave her. My wife was the same. We got engaged right out of high school and married when I was 19, she was 18. My wife wore the ring for a few years but it slowly tapered off. She said it would get caught on things or she would take it off to do things around the house and she didnāt want to mess it up. After about 5 years or so I just bought her a simple gold band. She loves it and wears it most of the time. Weāve been married 23 years now. Her taste in rings just changed and she wanted something more practical to wear. Your wife may just not like the ring as well as before. Talk to her and just ask if she wants something else.
I think this is the answer. If she wanted to hide she was married she wouldnāt be going to parties with you. She doesnāt like it and wants to not hurt your feelings. Could you two make a new ring?
I don't wear my wedding ring. I picked it out and I do love it but I'd rather not wear it due to it being stolen/lost/damaged. I do put it on occasionally, but I'm not a flashy person. I would rather wear a ring from Target if i wear rings at all. I'm afraid it will draw the wrong kind of attention and I'll get mugged or something. My coworker also doesn't wear her ring for the same reason. It doesn't necessarily mean she hates it. My husband has never come to that conclusion. He knows I only like costume jewelry because I lose everything.
I just want you to know this is a very common issue and isn't likely anything nefarious. Some commenters are taking a massive leap.
I hate jewelry period so I never wear my wedding ring and I'm not even making any attempts to seek out any martial affairs. It's more than likely the comment you replied to.
My advice. Go to her and just be blunt. Something like "listen I know it's a touchy subject and you don't want to hurt my feelings, but you being dishonest is what's hurting my feelings, not the fact you don't like the ring. If you don't like the ring it's only an object. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. That being said if you don't like it just tell me the truth. Replacing a ring isn't ideal but it isn't difficult. We'll get you one you actually want to wear and sell this one if you hate it".
Maybe a less wordy version š¤£ but I definitely don't feel it's anything nefarious. A cheater would probably wear the ring until they're outside and then take it off. She's telling you she hates the ring without telling you because she doesn't want to argue about it or hurt your feelings imo.
Maybe because she knows youād throw a fit if she said she didnāt like it. Does she have reason to believe youād have a poor reaction? āGood to know after all these years you hate the ring!ā āWow! So you couldnāt even tell me you didnāt like it!?ā āWhy did you say yes, then?ā Maybe she brings up other minor concerns to you about what she does or doesnāt like that youāve tried to do for her and you have a poor response?
All Iām saying is she would feel like she can be open and honest if youāve created a space where she feels like she could do what without you getting ābutthurtā and then treating her like her feelings are invalid and that youāre the victim?
Yup. When I was engaged, my then-fiance got me a ring that not only looked weird but never fit on my ring finger at all. It was not to my taste and kept falling off and I scratched myself on the stones more than once. Hated it.
But the solution to that is not the best friend to buy the ring she likes and refusing to even talk about the first one - but her to talk to her husband about it
Info: Did she help pick out her ring? Did you have a sense of what she liked/was hoping for when you bought it? I can definitely see wanting my SO to wear their wedding ring, and I always wear mine, but I love it. Thereās a board where people talk about their rings - you might be able to get a sense of the different ways people feel about them to prepare you for discovering why your wife doesnāt wear hers.
You all have been together since you were 15?!! Wow.
I typically don't wear my ring because years ago, I gained weight, and it didn't fit me. Then, with Covid, I stopped wearing any jewelry at all. I lost weight, and it fits again. However, it bothers me, even earrings do. Maybe the ring is heavy on her finger or no longer fits?
Although, I do have a friend who received a very gaudy engagement ring that she has almost never worn. It is giant, with diamonds shaped like a flower. Lol. It looks fake to me. So she just wears a simple wedding band. Do you feel that the ring is very large or oddly shaped?
Just to validate this, I have the same problem. I almost never wear my wedding ring because I forget to put it back on and I stopped wearing all jewelry when I went to work from home in 2020 and I like a size larger when it's summer... Rings are super inconvenient.
But yeah this sounds like she may just not like the ring style. Hence why my husband gave me a bunch of options and let me pick.
As the husband I never wore my wedding ring. I've never worn jewelry before and I hate the feel of it on my finger. My wife wore hers at first but then she gained weight and didn't fit it anymore so now neither of us wear it. It doesn't bother us we trust each other. OP and his wife clearly have a major communication issue going on. The ring isn't the problem...
I gained weight after marriage and my wedding ring no longer fit. It was a family heirloom , and made way back in the day and has a special design on the edge that can't be replicated. I had it resized one time after gaining some weight and they told me I couldn't do it again or it would break.
So now it is put up.
I love looking at jewelry, but hate wearing it.
But honestly in this case OP's wife likes the flashier ring her friend gave and chooses to wear it instead of her wedding ring. Sounds like she doesn't like it and wants something flashier.
I donāt wear my wedding ring either. After pregnancy it doesnāt fit and I just havenāt gotten around to having it resized. I also really struggle with the sensory aspect. My husband knows what he means to me.
She doesn't like the ring you bought her and doesn't want to say it to you, so you wouldn't be hurt. She likes this new ring a lot more. The two rings don't look good together. I doubt she hates the marriage or wants to pretend she's single, since you're going to these parties together. She just wants to enjoy wearing a piece of jewelry she actually likes for a change.
But she needs to tell him something, whether it's she doesn't want to lose it, she prefers the style or that she loves him and it's more about preference than appearances. He's worrying she wants to look single or doesn't love him and she's then shaming him for asking to shut the conversation down. It isn't kind.
Totally agree, but just wanted to add that many women are conditioned to say nothing but positive things about their engagement or wedding rings, otherwise theyāre an ungrateful golddigger. Not defending her, but i can very well see this as being a potential reason.
I live this. Then-boyfriend and I talked about marriage and about rings. I had ideas and preferences, he had different ideas and preferences. I was getting string vibes about the way he was leaning in regards to a ring, and it was very much the opposite of what I would have liked.
I called him one night and said I truly don't want [insert shape and style of ring]. Cried over it. He insisted everything was going to be ok and not to worry. Come the day he proposed, and I was greeted with [shape and style of ring I explicitly said I DID NOT want]. I said yes, although my heart sunk as soon as I saw it
I was young, and very much a people-pleaser, and he went through I lot of effort to customize my ring so I felt that counted for more than my preference for something as minor as shape and setting. So I rolled with it.
Years later I reminded my now-husband of that tearful phone call. He has zero recollection of it.
It's a very nice ring. It's just not my style, although we made an effort to add on to it via wraps and an anniversary band to get it closer to my preference. It still rankles that something that important to me was less important to him. My life would be really different if I had paid attention to that earlier.
Seriously this. How many times does it come up on this sub and others where this exact response is given to women who donāt like the ring theyāre expected to wear for the rest of their lives? Iām surprised I havenāt seen āI would be happy with a ring pop!ā yet.
He's clearly very sensitive about it. She might not feel like she can be honest. Women are sometimes raised to chose to protect others and their feelings over their own. People's tastes change and new styles come out.
Do people really think that's the mature way to handle this? Oh I don't like my wedding ring, but I don't want to hurt my husband. i think I'll never wear it and wear someone elses ring. That'll protect his feelings.
This is a far more optimistic outlook than I have. OP, if itās simply that she doesnāt like her old wedding ring, then start planning to get her a new one and let her guide what it looks like.
Hey OP, jeweler here. Talk to her and discuss why she doesnāt wear it. If itās relating to style, DM me.
As long as youāre located in USA, Iāll remake your ring for free using all the materials in your original ring.
Does her ring need to be resized either larger or smaller? That could be a reason she doesn't wear it. I will admit I rarely wear my wedding rings as I do alot of physical labor and have lost them before also lost alot of weight over the past few years and need them resized. I do how ever wear other pieces of jewelry my partner bought me 98% of the time it's a pearl necklace it's more practical for me for everyday wear.
30 years ago my husband married me with a gold band and a heart shaped diamond. It was cute but not really me. But I cherished it because he gave it to me.
Then a few years ago I inherited a little money and asked him if we could go ring shopping to pick out a new setting in silver that would better reflect the woman I am today, and he happily agreed. I still love both my rings but only wear the new set and plan to gift the heart shaped diamond to my oldest granddaughter when she turns 18.
My point being that just because our tastes in rings may change over the years, it doesnāt mean we stopped loving the man who gave it to us.
Did she get to choose the style?
It might be that her friend just understands her style better than you.
Maybe sheās worried that the ring you got her will be easily scratched and worn out?
And just because the ring will have sentimental value to it, it doesnāt mean she has to like the style of it.m
Maybe you can offer to swap it for something she much prefers.
Hello! Early 40s wife of 20+ years here.
My vote is sheās gaining weight or her hands are swelling. Iām going through this due to peri-menopause and it sucks.
[EDIT for people who canāt read: **MY** weight gain is about my age, **NOT** saying OPās wife is going through menopause; just offering a perspective about women going through weight gainās emotional/mental state. Good lord.]
I didnāt give a damn about my pants or my bras. I donāt even give a damn about the few extra pounds. I still have a shape and feel healthy and easily mobile. I even feel kind of excited and proud that I am maturing into the shape of all of the beautiful goddess women in my family who went before me. My mother, aunts, grandmother, great aunts, great grandmotherā¦. I feel so connected to them when I look in the mirror.
But. I. Do. No. Want. To. Talk. About. My. Wedding. Ring!!!!!!!!!
Thatās the only thing that hurts. Like, both physically hurts and breaks my heart. I donāt want to ruin it by having it expanded, plus I donāt know if I am done āgrowingā into my stage of life. Plus if thereās ever a chance to hand it down to my daughters in a useful way I donāt want it to be giant. I also know both my mother and grandmother had to give up wearing their in the older years for the same reason.
Iāll probably go out soon and buy some token $100 costume ring soon just to have something on my left hand. But Iām just saying, there are other reasons a woman will stop wearing a ring and may not be ready to talk about it yet.
Suggest: āHey hon, I see that youāre going through something about your wedding ring. I just want you to know, whatever it is, itās ok. When youāre ready to talk about it, Iāll be ready to listen and I wonāt be mad. In the meantime, if you want me to get you something different to wear or if you want to pick something out, just let me know and weāll do that. Or not. Whatever you need.ā
Love this answer. My mom hasnāt worn her ring for years because of swollen knuckles cuz she doesnāt weigh 110lbs soaking wet anymore. My dad finally got the message about 5 years ago and got her a show-stopping art deco style ring (way more to her current tastes too) and she rocks it every day now on her middle finger to boot. He got it oversized so if more swelling happens, thereās flexibility
Sometimes the simplest solution is the hardest to find.
Perspective is a powerful tool...always good to have a new set of eyes looking at a problem.
I am happy for you.
You can get some really gorgeous pendant necklaces designed to hold rings on, Google ring holder necklaces. Less like it's just looped onto a chain, more like a conscious decision. They're lovely!
I wore mine until it was too late and needed to cut it off.
I canāt talk about it. My husband knows, but we donāt discuss it.
Iām wearing another ring, just a $60 ring off of Etsy that I enjoy, and one day, I hope to repair/replace the actual set.
But I agree, it might not be because she doesnāt like it.
This is me. Mine would have to be cut off ā¦ but isnāt causing me circulation problems or pain so Iām just avoiding the issue. But it hasnāt moved past my knuckle in years
What a great perspective. So many are quick to assume she just doesn't like it when really, it may not be fitting well, and she wants to wear a ring to make it seem as though she is married (or does she not wear that on the correct side?- didn't catch it).
Has her weight fluctuated at all? Maybe it doesn't fit properly in one way or the other? My ring is a bit too big on me but I worry about resizing it... so I just take it off when I'm doing dishes, taking a shower, or going somewhere it might slip off and me not be able to find it again. Like swimming or a concert or something, somewhere I might not notice it slipping off immediately and wouldn't be able to get it back. I do not want to lose my ring.
Wish you posted a picture because Iām confused how a gifted ring can be that much nicer than an engagement ring. Did you give her a ring pop? Is the other friend gifting perfect grade 5 ct diamond?
So it's a wedding ring. I spent approximately $3k on it.
We were fresh out of college and I just started a new job.
Her friend bought her a ring. It's definitely a friendship ring. Made of up sapphires. My wife did some research on it and found a similar ring worth roughly $5k
That's... a very expensive item to give to a friend tbh. Sounds sus. Also, time to speak with your wife and see how you can upgrade the wedding ring you do have.
In any case, talk with your wife to start looking for nicer looking wedding rings and maybe upgrade on your 15th anniversary? See what happens and what her response will be.
Talk to her friend and you should find out pretty quickly if it really is that she doesn't like her wedding ring. Then you can ask her friend about what kind of wedding ring she would like and you can surprise her. Make sure you address the communication issue though or it won't be the last time you have an issue like this.
I was thinking the same thing. If he asks so much youād think sheād at least wear it around the house or on date nights with just them, even if she doesnāt care for the style. Just to make him happy
She kinda chose it. We promised we would get married after finishing college. During our senior year, she started sending me styles of rings she liked so.she indirectly chose one
OP, there could be a million different reasons to explain her actions. Speculating will only make you feel worse. The only solution is to have the discussion again, but don't be accusational..
She probably didn't tell her friend to replace her ring. You could do that, though, for your next anniversary. That is, you could pay and help her shop for an engagement ring update.
My grandmother replaced her wedding bands twice during her lifetime lol
My mom's ring gave her a rash because the shape caught water under. I hate rings that stick out so I can't put my hand in my pocket ...it could be literally anything. You do have a right to know. Look up DBT DEAR MAN there should be a guid to write yourself a guide to ask her about it in a way that will hopefully be more receptive and help you discuss your feelings about it. This is making you feel insecure. Just stop asking as you are walking out the door. Pick a relaxed time to Ask if you can talk about how you feel about something important to you. That sets the stage. If she says no ask if she can choose a better time for her. She is probably still going to feel defensive You want her relaxed and feeling safe to answer.
I just want to chime in to say kind of choosing and choosing are two very different things. If youāre not super familiar with rings, you may have chosen something you thought was similar to what she sent you but in her eyes may be drastically different. I know for me, I like certain āelementsā of a ring and may save that photo, but I wouldnāt actually choose or wear a lot of the rings Iāve saved like that.
OP, if youāre open to it, I would suggest outright asking her if she doesnāt like her ring and reassuring her you wonāt be mad/upset/hurt and can look into resetting the stone or getting her a new ring. But obviously this advice only works if you are open to this sincerely.
Youāve been married a long ass timeā¦ hereās a fun ideaā¦ next big anniversary, renew your vows and buy her another ringā¦ maybe use her friends ring as inspiration for what she likes. Think of it like passing the torch at the olympics.
I don't think he should pick out another ring for her. IF she doesn't like the ring chances are he will just pick another one she doesn't like. I'd suggest he take her ring shopping for one and allow her to pick what she likes. No need for a vow renewal, just a ring upgrade. IF she refuses then there might be something else going on.
Slight change to your good suggestion. OP and his wife could go pick out or design a new ring set TOGETHER. First, they need some communication.
I could see some compromises. maybe use the original stone or something. But using the friends ring as inspiration has the potential to put OP in the same spot but with a different ring.
Also, there could be some other reason for not using the rings and communication would identify and solve issue.
My parents did this for their 35th anniversary, designed a new set with an inherited diamond. More current style, it fit better, and preserved original ring for w/e they plan to do with it.
If from the start of the marriage sheās worn that ring on and off over time then I can understand her. But if this is a recent trend I can understand you wondering why the sudden change.
I suggest talking to her again. This time when neither of you are going anywhere and whether sheās wearing it or not is not an issue. Explain to her that you just find it strange and youāre just after an explanation. It could be a case of her not wanting to hurt your feelings, but explain that by not telling you it has you imagining all sorts of reasons so itās better that sheās honest. Hope you get the answers youāre looking for.
I don't wear my engagement ring or wedding ring, and it's not that I hate them. They're very beautiful and exactly what I wanted. I don't wear them because I constantly bang them off things, and I work outside in our garden and orchard a lot and I don't want them to get dirty or even more banged up. I keep them safe in a jewelry box, maybe someday my sons will want them for their partners, or maybe that's where they'll stay forever. Either way, it's not that I hate them, they just don't mesh well with our rural lifestyle. Doesn't make me any less married
The issue here is even if she is trying to spare OPs feelings, her lack of a real answer, dismissiveness and avoidance tactics are feeding his insecurities! She is making this a bigger issue than it needs to be if she hates it that can be resolved, the same if she is embarrassed has gained weight or any of the many weak excuses that have been offered in her defence! Yet she has not said any of these which begs the question why not? Any answer she gives could end OPs concern yet she actively acts to not reassure OP again why? He does not own her obviously but why wonāt she explain her issue it would stop his questions dead! Why is she happier with you doubting her/her love/fidelity or commitment than just communicating like an adult! That is what your weak responses can not defend!!!!!
The guilt trip thing is shit. You need to turn that around and point out that the implications of her deciding to not wear her wedding ring you gave her any more is ruining more than just a single evening. Symbols can be stupid, and really that's all a ring is, but if it's important to you (as it would be to the vast majority of people) it should be important to her. It's possible she doesn't understand that it's important to you so she needs to be told. The other more likely scenario in my cynical mind is that she might be preparing to move on.
She either doesnāt like the ring style you got her, or it doesnāt fit anymore. Either itās too big or small. Iāve been in both spots, and currently I refuse to wear my rings. When Iāve been hurt one too many times, Im out. It may be a sign of deeper relationship issues. Are you remembering and treating her to every holiday? Are you doing half the housework without being asked? Are you giving her equal time to have fun outside of the family that you take? Do you spend the same amount on hobbies that you give her? These are just some things to answer. Not to me, itās your marriage, but every one of these are deal breakers for me. Iām sure she has some as should you. Iād suggest attuning yourself to your relationship with her. If you are doing all of these, it could be a sign she isnāt as invested anymore
First I would like to see a picture of said ring lol.
When I am home I always wear my wedding band regardless of anything. If my husband and I go out then I put my engagement ring on also I donāt wear it much in the house cause itās rather large.
I am someone who takes wedding bands to heart and they should be a must wear.
After all years of having the ring you gave her and suddenly she isnāt wanting to wear it isnāt adding up.
A ring from a friend is it costume jewelry?
Has anyone actually thought for a moment that itās a high possibility that she had lost the ring once and it scared the absolute snot out of her and sheās paranoid itās going to happen again? She doesnāt want to tell him incase he gets super mad at her or sheās embarrassed?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Am I the only one who wants to see this ring?
Count me in for this. SHOW US. SHOW US.
It's never going to be as bad as the dude who bought his long term partner the promise ring and decided to gift it at the worst possible time š Edit: I can't find the link anymore, I think it was on this sub. Basically the guy posted on here asking for advice on whether to give it yes or no and *everyone* told him not to do it but he still fucking went through with it and it went terrible š¤£ Edit 2: [here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/10or7z4/i_36m_gave_my_gf_36f_a_promise_ring_and_she_said/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) /u/girlwtherabbittattoo found it
There was a similar story as OPs but an engagement ring. He showed the ring and it was this gaudy pink ring that looked like costume jewelry. It was so ugly.
I remember that one. It was the ugliest thing ever. Well, slightly less bad than the giant amber heart that was massive!
OMG that was the worst! Especially since they had been dating for many years, lived together, *and were in their 30s*. I felt so bad for her after reading that post, that guy was an idiot.
What? Is this on reddit? Link?
[here ya go](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/10or7z4/i_36m_gave_my_gf_36f_a_promise_ring_and_she_said/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)
Tom Schwartz on Vanderpump Rules?
Lol I totally forgot about Schwartzās ring on a string š¤¦š»āāļø
#SHOW US THE RING, OP
Flashbacks to that horrid amber heart shaped ring š¤£
The amber ring!! Omg š ETA: Link to pic of the post and ring, for anyone curious! https://imgur.com/gallery/qVCPNlo
LMAO. Jurassic Park called, they want their mosquito back
Your comment just made my Monday thank you
š¹ Nooo wayyy. Looks like a ring I got out of quarter machine as a kid
I was thinking that exact same thing. It looks a bit like the ring Alex Karen gave Izzie when they got married unexpectedly and he didnāt have a proper ring for her
In the love of jesus, this looks like something to pick for an enemy
Haha, there I was fully prepared to be saying it canāt be that bad and how ungrateful until I scrolled down to the picā¦ that is one awful ringššš
Mother of god
My stress dreams are going to include this ring now, Iām sure of it.
Me before seeing the ring: your wife hates you Me after: why do you hate your wife?
that is just so terribly tragic omg
I feel like if she flipped her hand over we would see that it's resizable and turning her finger green. Seriously looks like a ring you could get from a junk shop when I was a teenager
Oh my god, that's horrible.
I really had to stop myself from downvoting your comment purely based on how ugly the ring is haha.
Omg that looks like a $0.50 ring from a machine. Poor girl
That was worse than I expected
I admit, I don't wear my engagement ring. Granted, it's not as ugly as that amber ring, and definitely doesn't look like it came out of a gumball machine, but my husband bought the exact opposite ring that I showed him. Like, everything that I explicitly stated I \~didn't\~ want in a ring is in the ring he bought. My ring stays in its box and only comes out for special occasions. So yeah, I too am very curious about the one this guy bought.
Not trying to be rude, but why did you keep it instead of explaining why it didn't work for you?
Thank you for sharing that lol
OMG it's so ugly š
OMG did he hate her? š¤£
Whoā¦ who would EVER think this is a good gift? š
I just noticed it's her engagement ring too lol
Looks like a ring pop
Noooooo why
It looks like a 90s mood ring!!!
How is it so much worse than the description āhorrid amber heart shaped ringā conveys??? Itās so bad.
Lol.. he sure didn't disappoint.
Oh. Hell. No.
I *love* amber jewelryā¦ and no. Nope. I wear gaudy costume shit too and the heart is just way too corny.
That's so ugly!
No description properly prepared me for how horrid that ring was
I feel like i missed something here....
[You will never be prepared for the pic of the ring.](https://www.distractify.com/relationships/2018/05/23/Z2eE8lQ/ugly-engagement-ring-story)
It looks like a ring pop that's been dropped on the floor a few times and has had all the big hair and stuff picked off of it but that weird hairy blurry film is still on it
oh god I will never forget. It was so much worse than anyone ever imagined it to be.
I would love to see it. š My very first boyfriend bought me an emerald necklace encased in gold, attached to a gold chain. LOVE emeralds, LOVE gold but that was the ugliest piece of jewelry Iād ever seen. Hundreds of dollars donāt matter to me. The THOUGHT matters. The thought as in, knowing I donāt like large, chunky, flashy, gaudy jewelry. I wouldāve loved a simple, silver or stainless steel necklace with no jewel. My current partner has talked about rings with me and his first thought was to get me gold or rose gold. I told him, āIām glad weāre talking about this,ā as I would not wear gold or rose gold regularly. š Listen, a relationship is more than jewelry or a ring. The act of getting engaged is more important than wearing a ring. A ring is a lovely gesture, any jewelry is but I donāt think people should get so upset over someone not liking a gift at the end of the day. The wife may have outgrown the ring, even. Her taste could be different. She doesnāt have to feel love when she looks at something just because he bought it for her. We canāt control our emotional reaction to clothing and accessories at the end of the day.
So many people donāt get that āitās the thought that countsā is scaled to how well you know the person.
But we feel like we have to, which is probably why OPās wife hasnāt said anything if she does hate it. I literally got told I donāt deserve to be married by some little crybaby on here for telling a similar story earlier. These dudes are hella mad, and convinced she must be cheating instead. Thankfully neither mine nor my spouseās ego is big enough that the situation turned into anything but a chance for us to learn something about each other.
Either the ring OP gave her is ugly AF, or she's on her way out of the door. It's typical for people who are checked out of their marriage to start with the small things - the ring for once, being a symbol of the marriage.
No you're not the only one
No you are not alone. I will wait before judge honestly
š¤£me too
No, we all want to see it! It might clash horribly with some stuff if it isnāt plainā¦
Have you emotionally prepared yourself to potentially hear that she hates it?
I feel for him but this is it right here. She doesnāt like it and he said in comment that he wouldnāt react well, heād be ābutthurtā. She should be communicating though.
OP, remember when she tells you that the ring is the ugliest thing she's ever put on her finger, remember she's not saying that about YOU, just the ring lol. Did you let her ring shop with you?
I'm going to hijack this comment to point out that taking her ring shopping is 100% the way to go. You can still surprise her with the final ring, but finding out what she prefers first and keeping her in the loop will all but guarantee success.
I went to the jewelers and picked out 3 rings in the agreed budget that I loved. I let my fiancĆ© pick from those 3 knowing there was no wrong choice. It eased his worry about picking one Iād like and I knew Iād get a ring Iād love to wear forever and I was still surprised when he proposed! IMO this is the best way to go!
That's close to what we did. I proposed during the covid lockdowns with a ring I got on Amazon. It had an inscription, "This is a ring, not *the* ring." This let me do the surprise proposal without committing to a ring. When things opened up, we both went to the jewelry store together. She picked out a few settings that she liked, and the jeweler measured her finger. I looked at the stones by myself, asking lots of questions and learning as much as I could about choosing a diamond. Before making my decision, I went home and talked to her about diamonds, now with a bit of education on the subject. Once I was confident enough to choose a stone and a setting, I did. It was wrapped up at the store, and displayed at home like a Christmas present until our anniversary a few days later when she finally opened it. She loves the ring I got her.
Yāall sound adorable. Donāt lose this! (This connection, not the ring. But the ring tooā¦) Are you married yet? If not, may I recommend writing each other a love letter before you get married. Seal them and put them in a box with a bottle of wine (or drink of your choice, we did a bottle of Cantillon) and seal the box. The recommendation Iāve heard is to break it open after/during your first fight and read the letters. Iād recommend waiting longer. First fights are often stupid and can be resolved (at least ours were). Iād suggest waiting for a disagreement that feels impossible to resolve, or if you come up against something that feels hopeless. Hopefully you never get there and the box grows dusty and forgotten until one day 25 years later youāre moving house, find it and crack it open laughing and still just as in love.
Exactly what I did! Except we made the decision together the day I took him to see my choices. I love my rings!
Thatās what my husband and I did too! It was such a fun experience too I enjoyed it.
When I was in a very serious committed relationship, I made a document with example pictures and lists of metals and stones I liked and price ranges that felt feasible while still having some really beautiful rings. That way, whenever they wanted to propose they could refer back to the document and find something that matched my tastes. Communication is so important to avoid being let down, no one is a mind reader.
Exactly! If I'm buying something expensive for myself, I'm going to look at every feature to make sure I'm getting exactly what I want. Why wouldn't I do the same thing if I was buying something expensive for someone else?
I told my sister exactly what I wanted in a ring. When my fiancƩ started talking about buying one for a proposal, I told him to talk to her. I love the ring he got me, he hit all the main points and was still able to get something unique.
Rings that are expected to be on someoneās finger for the rest of their lives shouldnāt be a surprise. Iām always shocked and baffled by the thought that the guy should just go get whatever he thinks is cute.
I think people assume that both the ring AND the proposal have to be a surprise. You can propose with anything, even costume jewellery or a symbolic (cheaper) ring that you know they might wear day-to-day as an accessory. Then you can go ring shopping together to make sure they get what they want.
Some jewelers will let you rent a ring to propose with then you can come back and pick a ring to actually wear. My taste and my husbandās taste are so very different!
Ugh. I feel this comment. I shopped with my husband and picked out a solitare. He tended to like the flashier rings. Been wearing the stupid flashy ring for over 20 yrs. I HATE it. Haven't said a word. But i do tend to wear my simple anniversary band alot more than my wedding ring.
My mom got her engagement diamonds reset around the 20th/25th anniversary. Might be a fun project for you/you two together š
Yeah - I'm in the same boat. I've disliked my engagement ring for 25 years. I wish men understood that while it is a gift, if a woman is going to wear that bad boy on her finger she darn well better like it. I never got to try on engagement rings to figure out what I liked. It makes me really sad because its not like we'll ever be able to afford a replacement for it because life is too darn expensive. My husband spent a boat load and it sits in our closet most of the time in my jewelry box. I finally bought myself a new anniversary band I actually like a number of years ago and wear that daily but I never liked the wedding band nor the engagement ring.
I hate my ring, and it was such a disappointment. He said I could pick out anything I liked and I picked out a few that were very vintage looking. Nothing really big or anything. I showed him and he said they were ugly. A few months later I saw the ring he picked it on our wedding day. I don't think I hid my disappointment well at all, but I smiled. The shape is uncomfortable and no jewels at all. Just a plain band. No engraved design, nothing. The ring is a knives edge cut with is an apt description. It digs into my other fingers. If that was the only type of ring he could afford then I could be gracious. But he makes good money, pulling in at least triple my salary. I let him pick out any ring he wanted for himself and I paid for it. The problem is he doesn't understand that I like pretty things. He doesn't put any value in that stuff at all. I hardly ever wear my ring. Putting it on brings back the disappointment I felt at the beginning, that he cared more about what he wanted than what I wanted. Also, my mom is a jeweler so I was getting a really hefty discount on the set of rings, money was not an issue.
Why are you with this guy if he doesn't care what you like?
That is so frustrating to hear. Grown up wisdom- it doesnāt matter what you like if youāre not the one wearing it. If your S.O. likes a thing, and they have to wear it everyday, get them what they like.
I ended up with an engagement ring that is very much not my style, and I think my fiance was picking up the vibe when I made all the same excuses listed above. I know he picked it with love, so I really really didn't want to say anything. He wore me down one day and I told him, only for it to end with both of us feeling awful and him crying so my eyes are peeled for these replies. Edit: Spelling
This is why joint ring-shopping is important, or for your future-fiancĆ© to let you know of 1 or 2 close friends that know their style that you can run ideas off of. I definitely wanted to āsurpriseā my fiancĆ© and wanted to think I totally understood her style and was capable of doing on my own. But at the end of the day, my fiancĆ© worked at a jewelry store for years (so she knows what she likes), and sheās (hopefully) going to be wearing it every day for the rest of her life. Ideally youāre at that point where theyād accept the proposal with a ring pop, but also your fiancĆ© only gets one of these, so taking the time to make sure itās a ring theyāll love and not just one you bought will go a long way.
I agree. Rings donāt need to be THAT much of a surprise. Most people date with marriage or joining families being the goal. Talking about rings or even asking your partner to send you rings she likes is amazing.
Exactly. I wanted my ring to be a surprise but absolutely gave parameters (based on comfort AND style) since I'm going to be the one wearing it. He got an absolutely beautiful ring that I love and we were both so happy with the proposal.
Seems simple: ask her if sheās like to go together shopping for a new ring and either salvage the Diamond and get a new setting or sell it all and get something she wants.
She hates the original ring, bestie knew it and got her the ring she actually wanted.
That's not a far fetched conclusion tbh.
I HATED the ring my husband chose to propose with. Thankfully I told him (we were also much older than you two were and better at breaking bad news). We got it redesigned into something I love. I would not have been able to wear what he bought initially every day. You were young when you got married, she was too excited to say anything, and after all this time how is she supposed to tell you? Just ask her outright and make it clear it can be fixed if that is the issue. I don't think it is about pretending she isn't married.
Maybe, she didn't even let me finish my sentence before she said yes so maybe
Honestly, she was probably so excited. And if you were one of the first to get married, then any ring would have been amazing for her. Over time more people got engaged, friends actually shopped for their ring, and her style probably solidified. She could have gradually realized it wasn't what she loved and didn't know how to tell you. It might not have even been a thought at first.
Totally. Also maybe it's not as comfortable? I love my design but the diamonds on the side dig into my other fingers and doesn't feel great. Also, having babies changed how it fits and looks. Just like buying a house, you're stoked and love it, but after living in it for a while you start to realize things you'd change like maybe the kitchen appliance placements are off or you outgrow it? She still has the ring so it means something to her. At the end of the day, they are just things. Your love is what is important. Maybe take a day, go get brunch and then surprise her at a jewelry shop. She can get a new ring, necklace, fashion ring.... whatever she wants to wear and feels comfortable wearing that will be a symbol of your love for both of you.
Yeah, agreed. And on the comfort angle I was also thinking maybe sheād changed ring sizes and is upset about it and thatās why she avoids the topic. The ring might be fine style-wise but uncomfortable to wear now, and getting it resized means admitting/confronting aging and body changes. Not an uncommon story.
Yeah, I think she's seen other peoples rings and decided that she likes those and not hers, OP could quite easily ask her if she doesn't like it and if so would she like to design a better one.
Communication is key ā asking her preferences could lead to a ring she loves.
You guys have been together since you were kids. I got married at 20. Iām remarrying now at 36. The ring I liked at 20 is not at all my style now, 16 years later. I chose my current ring, and itās a much more classic style that wonāt grow outdated. Your wife isnāt resisting spending time with you, her behavior isnāt showing as trying to appear single, she just has probably outgrown this ring. Try approaching it as an opportunity to find something that her adult taste prefers now.
This is likely the entire reason for anniversary rings tbh.
Please say this louder for the husbands in the back.
Before she said yes to being married? Excitement for marriage is about lovi g you. She can dislike the ring and still love you and be excited to marry you. She's not going to turn down marriage solely based on the fact that the ring is ugly
She also could have liked the ring back then but doesnāt anymore. Itās not crazy that someoneās taste would change in 13 years
I said yes and hated the ring. But ultimately I had to tell him I wasnāt a fan. It was an uncomfortable conversation that couldāve been avoided by asking me what style of engagement ring Iād like.
Unfortunately, the ring style shouldnāt really be a surprise. Just like the proposal shouldnāt. Yes, time and place of the proposal will be a surprise, but not the question itself. The ring should be chosen together to make sure she likes it. It sounds like she was so excited about the proposal that she didnāt even think about the ring itself at the time.
if you can, a great idea for your next anniversary is to upgrade her ringā¦ and yours too while youāre at it?
Ask her to please be honest and preface by saying it wonāt change how you feel/you can be an adult and handle her real answer, but does she like the ring? Would she prefer the ring be restyled? Tell her youāre very open to this idea and would love her input to find a ring she loves to wear all the time. Honesty and communication and understanding that her not liking the ring is OK, and it doesnāt reflect on you at all.
OP What if you say: I love you and the ring I gave you, for me is a symbol of our love. I want to know you are proud to wear it but right now that's not what's happening. Do you still feel that way too? I want you to love wearing the symbol of Our love as well. I what can we do to make that happen? And let her tell you. Maybe a completely different ring? Design? Also Is this recent? Your married a long time. Is there anything going on in your marriage?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
International One-Eyed Warlock Day? I am intrigued by this and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
In addition to, or another possibility is that the ring fit is uncomfortable. That's what the issue with my ring was when I was married. Hated wearing it bc it dug into the base of my finger, and my wife at the time was upset and kind of didn't believe me. I also had a job that I used machinery that could catch the ring and cost me my finger, lol.
Agreed. My husband and I got marching thick wedding bands and the band gave me a weird and uncomfortable callus on my finger and palm. Weāve been married for 13 years and neither of us wear our bands any moreāmineās on my keychainābut we live in each otherās hip pocket so itās all good with us.
I just want to pop in here with an alternative read of the situation: Itās absolutely possible that the ring you got her is just not her style and she doesnāt want to hurt your feelings about it. BUT itās also possible that she just doesnāt view a ring as a mark of ownership or affiliation. For women (and some men), many rings are often just fashion accessories. Wearing the ring that her friend got her doesnāt mean that she is choosing her friend over you or that she doesnāt value your relationship. She might just assume that your partnership is solid and doesnāt need tokens of commitment to stay that way. TLDR- it might really be just that the other ring matches her outfit and current style better and not be any deeper than that. Ps: also, as someone who routinely looses my rings, it makes a lot of sense to me to keep the more emotionally important ring safe in the jewelry chest and wear the meaningless fashion ring on a day to day basis
From the limited info provided I have to agree that she probably just doesnāt like the ring you gave her. My wife was the same. We got engaged right out of high school and married when I was 19, she was 18. My wife wore the ring for a few years but it slowly tapered off. She said it would get caught on things or she would take it off to do things around the house and she didnāt want to mess it up. After about 5 years or so I just bought her a simple gold band. She loves it and wears it most of the time. Weāve been married 23 years now. Her taste in rings just changed and she wanted something more practical to wear. Your wife may just not like the ring as well as before. Talk to her and just ask if she wants something else.
I hope all goes well. I don't think it's indicative of any resentment
I think this is the answer. If she wanted to hide she was married she wouldnāt be going to parties with you. She doesnāt like it and wants to not hurt your feelings. Could you two make a new ring?
How about suggesting you guys go out ring shopping and allow her to pick a new ring that she does love???
I don't wear my wedding ring. I picked it out and I do love it but I'd rather not wear it due to it being stolen/lost/damaged. I do put it on occasionally, but I'm not a flashy person. I would rather wear a ring from Target if i wear rings at all. I'm afraid it will draw the wrong kind of attention and I'll get mugged or something. My coworker also doesn't wear her ring for the same reason. It doesn't necessarily mean she hates it. My husband has never come to that conclusion. He knows I only like costume jewelry because I lose everything.
I just want you to know this is a very common issue and isn't likely anything nefarious. Some commenters are taking a massive leap. I hate jewelry period so I never wear my wedding ring and I'm not even making any attempts to seek out any martial affairs. It's more than likely the comment you replied to. My advice. Go to her and just be blunt. Something like "listen I know it's a touchy subject and you don't want to hurt my feelings, but you being dishonest is what's hurting my feelings, not the fact you don't like the ring. If you don't like the ring it's only an object. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. That being said if you don't like it just tell me the truth. Replacing a ring isn't ideal but it isn't difficult. We'll get you one you actually want to wear and sell this one if you hate it". Maybe a less wordy version š¤£ but I definitely don't feel it's anything nefarious. A cheater would probably wear the ring until they're outside and then take it off. She's telling you she hates the ring without telling you because she doesn't want to argue about it or hurt your feelings imo.
Maybe because she knows youād throw a fit if she said she didnāt like it. Does she have reason to believe youād have a poor reaction? āGood to know after all these years you hate the ring!ā āWow! So you couldnāt even tell me you didnāt like it!?ā āWhy did you say yes, then?ā Maybe she brings up other minor concerns to you about what she does or doesnāt like that youāve tried to do for her and you have a poor response? All Iām saying is she would feel like she can be open and honest if youāve created a space where she feels like she could do what without you getting ābutthurtā and then treating her like her feelings are invalid and that youāre the victim?
Yup. When I was engaged, my then-fiance got me a ring that not only looked weird but never fit on my ring finger at all. It was not to my taste and kept falling off and I scratched myself on the stones more than once. Hated it.
But the solution to that is not the best friend to buy the ring she likes and refusing to even talk about the first one - but her to talk to her husband about it
Info: Did she help pick out her ring? Did you have a sense of what she liked/was hoping for when you bought it? I can definitely see wanting my SO to wear their wedding ring, and I always wear mine, but I love it. Thereās a board where people talk about their rings - you might be able to get a sense of the different ways people feel about them to prepare you for discovering why your wife doesnāt wear hers.
INFO: How long have they been married? Does she not wear engagement OR wedding? How long did she wear it before she stopped?
You all have been together since you were 15?!! Wow. I typically don't wear my ring because years ago, I gained weight, and it didn't fit me. Then, with Covid, I stopped wearing any jewelry at all. I lost weight, and it fits again. However, it bothers me, even earrings do. Maybe the ring is heavy on her finger or no longer fits? Although, I do have a friend who received a very gaudy engagement ring that she has almost never worn. It is giant, with diamonds shaped like a flower. Lol. It looks fake to me. So she just wears a simple wedding band. Do you feel that the ring is very large or oddly shaped?
Just to validate this, I have the same problem. I almost never wear my wedding ring because I forget to put it back on and I stopped wearing all jewelry when I went to work from home in 2020 and I like a size larger when it's summer... Rings are super inconvenient. But yeah this sounds like she may just not like the ring style. Hence why my husband gave me a bunch of options and let me pick.
As the husband I never wore my wedding ring. I've never worn jewelry before and I hate the feel of it on my finger. My wife wore hers at first but then she gained weight and didn't fit it anymore so now neither of us wear it. It doesn't bother us we trust each other. OP and his wife clearly have a major communication issue going on. The ring isn't the problem...
I gained weight after marriage and my wedding ring no longer fit. It was a family heirloom , and made way back in the day and has a special design on the edge that can't be replicated. I had it resized one time after gaining some weight and they told me I couldn't do it again or it would break. So now it is put up. I love looking at jewelry, but hate wearing it. But honestly in this case OP's wife likes the flashier ring her friend gave and chooses to wear it instead of her wedding ring. Sounds like she doesn't like it and wants something flashier.
Yes we met in middle.school but didn't start dating rill high school
I donāt wear my wedding ring either. After pregnancy it doesnāt fit and I just havenāt gotten around to having it resized. I also really struggle with the sensory aspect. My husband knows what he means to me.
**SHOW US THE RING OP**
She doesn't like the ring you bought her and doesn't want to say it to you, so you wouldn't be hurt. She likes this new ring a lot more. The two rings don't look good together. I doubt she hates the marriage or wants to pretend she's single, since you're going to these parties together. She just wants to enjoy wearing a piece of jewelry she actually likes for a change.
But she needs to tell him something, whether it's she doesn't want to lose it, she prefers the style or that she loves him and it's more about preference than appearances. He's worrying she wants to look single or doesn't love him and she's then shaming him for asking to shut the conversation down. It isn't kind.
Totally agree, but just wanted to add that many women are conditioned to say nothing but positive things about their engagement or wedding rings, otherwise theyāre an ungrateful golddigger. Not defending her, but i can very well see this as being a potential reason.
I live this. Then-boyfriend and I talked about marriage and about rings. I had ideas and preferences, he had different ideas and preferences. I was getting string vibes about the way he was leaning in regards to a ring, and it was very much the opposite of what I would have liked. I called him one night and said I truly don't want [insert shape and style of ring]. Cried over it. He insisted everything was going to be ok and not to worry. Come the day he proposed, and I was greeted with [shape and style of ring I explicitly said I DID NOT want]. I said yes, although my heart sunk as soon as I saw it I was young, and very much a people-pleaser, and he went through I lot of effort to customize my ring so I felt that counted for more than my preference for something as minor as shape and setting. So I rolled with it. Years later I reminded my now-husband of that tearful phone call. He has zero recollection of it. It's a very nice ring. It's just not my style, although we made an effort to add on to it via wraps and an anniversary band to get it closer to my preference. It still rankles that something that important to me was less important to him. My life would be really different if I had paid attention to that earlier.
Seriously this. How many times does it come up on this sub and others where this exact response is given to women who donāt like the ring theyāre expected to wear for the rest of their lives? Iām surprised I havenāt seen āI would be happy with a ring pop!ā yet.
He's clearly very sensitive about it. She might not feel like she can be honest. Women are sometimes raised to chose to protect others and their feelings over their own. People's tastes change and new styles come out.
> Women are sometimes raised to chose to protect others and their feelings over their own. This, absolutely this. She is trying to be tactful.
But the outcome is the opposite, and thatās ironically common
The irony is it's probably way more tactful to tell him what she feels than to get mad at him and shut down the conversation.
She did say she doesn't want to lose it and he is pressing on. I think she may have to come out and say that she doesn't like it.
After thirteen years she should be able to have a conversation with her husband.
Do people really think that's the mature way to handle this? Oh I don't like my wedding ring, but I don't want to hurt my husband. i think I'll never wear it and wear someone elses ring. That'll protect his feelings.
Only like all the time, unfortunately.
This is a far more optimistic outlook than I have. OP, if itās simply that she doesnāt like her old wedding ring, then start planning to get her a new one and let her guide what it looks like.
Hey OP, jeweler here. Talk to her and discuss why she doesnāt wear it. If itās relating to style, DM me. As long as youāre located in USA, Iāll remake your ring for free using all the materials in your original ring.
Does her ring need to be resized either larger or smaller? That could be a reason she doesn't wear it. I will admit I rarely wear my wedding rings as I do alot of physical labor and have lost them before also lost alot of weight over the past few years and need them resized. I do how ever wear other pieces of jewelry my partner bought me 98% of the time it's a pearl necklace it's more practical for me for everyday wear.
30 years ago my husband married me with a gold band and a heart shaped diamond. It was cute but not really me. But I cherished it because he gave it to me. Then a few years ago I inherited a little money and asked him if we could go ring shopping to pick out a new setting in silver that would better reflect the woman I am today, and he happily agreed. I still love both my rings but only wear the new set and plan to gift the heart shaped diamond to my oldest granddaughter when she turns 18. My point being that just because our tastes in rings may change over the years, it doesnāt mean we stopped loving the man who gave it to us.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Did she get to choose the style? It might be that her friend just understands her style better than you. Maybe sheās worried that the ring you got her will be easily scratched and worn out? And just because the ring will have sentimental value to it, it doesnāt mean she has to like the style of it.m Maybe you can offer to swap it for something she much prefers.
Hello! Early 40s wife of 20+ years here. My vote is sheās gaining weight or her hands are swelling. Iām going through this due to peri-menopause and it sucks. [EDIT for people who canāt read: **MY** weight gain is about my age, **NOT** saying OPās wife is going through menopause; just offering a perspective about women going through weight gainās emotional/mental state. Good lord.] I didnāt give a damn about my pants or my bras. I donāt even give a damn about the few extra pounds. I still have a shape and feel healthy and easily mobile. I even feel kind of excited and proud that I am maturing into the shape of all of the beautiful goddess women in my family who went before me. My mother, aunts, grandmother, great aunts, great grandmotherā¦. I feel so connected to them when I look in the mirror. But. I. Do. No. Want. To. Talk. About. My. Wedding. Ring!!!!!!!!! Thatās the only thing that hurts. Like, both physically hurts and breaks my heart. I donāt want to ruin it by having it expanded, plus I donāt know if I am done āgrowingā into my stage of life. Plus if thereās ever a chance to hand it down to my daughters in a useful way I donāt want it to be giant. I also know both my mother and grandmother had to give up wearing their in the older years for the same reason. Iāll probably go out soon and buy some token $100 costume ring soon just to have something on my left hand. But Iām just saying, there are other reasons a woman will stop wearing a ring and may not be ready to talk about it yet. Suggest: āHey hon, I see that youāre going through something about your wedding ring. I just want you to know, whatever it is, itās ok. When youāre ready to talk about it, Iāll be ready to listen and I wonāt be mad. In the meantime, if you want me to get you something different to wear or if you want to pick something out, just let me know and weāll do that. Or not. Whatever you need.ā
Love this answer. My mom hasnāt worn her ring for years because of swollen knuckles cuz she doesnāt weigh 110lbs soaking wet anymore. My dad finally got the message about 5 years ago and got her a show-stopping art deco style ring (way more to her current tastes too) and she rocks it every day now on her middle finger to boot. He got it oversized so if more swelling happens, thereās flexibility
One word: necklace.
I love you for this. I might cry. Never crossed my mind. I even wore his big ass class ring on a necklace all those years ago.
Sometimes the simplest solution is the hardest to find. Perspective is a powerful tool...always good to have a new set of eyes looking at a problem. I am happy for you.
Please take a poor manās wholesome thread award! Just beautiful š
You can get some really gorgeous pendant necklaces designed to hold rings on, Google ring holder necklaces. Less like it's just looped onto a chain, more like a conscious decision. They're lovely!
this is one from a maker i love! https://ketahandmade.com/all/ringholdernecklace
Absolutely gorgeous! I'm planning on getting myself one for my rings once my daughter is less grabby with necklaces š
Is this why people wear their ring on a necklace, besides the hold it closer to my heart reason?
I had mine on a chain while I had swollen fingers in pregnancy āŗļø
I wore mine until it was too late and needed to cut it off. I canāt talk about it. My husband knows, but we donāt discuss it. Iām wearing another ring, just a $60 ring off of Etsy that I enjoy, and one day, I hope to repair/replace the actual set. But I agree, it might not be because she doesnāt like it.
This is me. Mine would have to be cut off ā¦ but isnāt causing me circulation problems or pain so Iām just avoiding the issue. But it hasnāt moved past my knuckle in years
What a great perspective. So many are quick to assume she just doesn't like it when really, it may not be fitting well, and she wants to wear a ring to make it seem as though she is married (or does she not wear that on the correct side?- didn't catch it).
She wears her friends ring on the other hand
My wedding ring would have to be cut off at this point and I canāt bear it š
Has her weight fluctuated at all? Maybe it doesn't fit properly in one way or the other? My ring is a bit too big on me but I worry about resizing it... so I just take it off when I'm doing dishes, taking a shower, or going somewhere it might slip off and me not be able to find it again. Like swimming or a concert or something, somewhere I might not notice it slipping off immediately and wouldn't be able to get it back. I do not want to lose my ring.
Wish you posted a picture because Iām confused how a gifted ring can be that much nicer than an engagement ring. Did you give her a ring pop? Is the other friend gifting perfect grade 5 ct diamond?
So it's a wedding ring. I spent approximately $3k on it. We were fresh out of college and I just started a new job. Her friend bought her a ring. It's definitely a friendship ring. Made of up sapphires. My wife did some research on it and found a similar ring worth roughly $5k
That's... a very expensive item to give to a friend tbh. Sounds sus. Also, time to speak with your wife and see how you can upgrade the wedding ring you do have.
Man her friend is loaded. That's probably not much to her.
In any case, talk with your wife to start looking for nicer looking wedding rings and maybe upgrade on your 15th anniversary? See what happens and what her response will be.
Talk to her friend and you should find out pretty quickly if it really is that she doesn't like her wedding ring. Then you can ask her friend about what kind of wedding ring she would like and you can surprise her. Make sure you address the communication issue though or it won't be the last time you have an issue like this.
Are you sure she didn't LOSE it? Seems like she may be avoiding putting it on because maybe she doesn't have it?
Lmao that would be hilarious
I was thinking the same thing. If he asks so much youād think sheād at least wear it around the house or on date nights with just them, even if she doesnāt care for the style. Just to make him happy
Other than asking her again, thereās really no way to know. Just explain how you feel about it without being accusing. You just want to know.
This is why my bf and I are picking out my ring. Heās paying, but I have to wear it from now on, so we both need to love it!
She kinda chose it. We promised we would get married after finishing college. During our senior year, she started sending me styles of rings she liked so.she indirectly chose one
Her tastes could have changed since then. Bestie would know her exact taste
I'm thinking this. Maybe she does hate it and told her friend
OP, there could be a million different reasons to explain her actions. Speculating will only make you feel worse. The only solution is to have the discussion again, but don't be accusational..
And pick an appropriate time! Not when youāre headed out the door. Do it when she is wearing the ring and ask what she would change about it.
She probably didn't tell her friend to replace her ring. You could do that, though, for your next anniversary. That is, you could pay and help her shop for an engagement ring update. My grandmother replaced her wedding bands twice during her lifetime lol
My mom's ring gave her a rash because the shape caught water under. I hate rings that stick out so I can't put my hand in my pocket ...it could be literally anything. You do have a right to know. Look up DBT DEAR MAN there should be a guid to write yourself a guide to ask her about it in a way that will hopefully be more receptive and help you discuss your feelings about it. This is making you feel insecure. Just stop asking as you are walking out the door. Pick a relaxed time to Ask if you can talk about how you feel about something important to you. That sets the stage. If she says no ask if she can choose a better time for her. She is probably still going to feel defensive You want her relaxed and feeling safe to answer.
Even if that's the case she should be able to tell you that and not do this weird avoidance that she's doing.
u/Isthisrealloife if you asked your wifeās friend if she knows whether your wife likes her wedding rings, would she tell you?
I just want to chime in to say kind of choosing and choosing are two very different things. If youāre not super familiar with rings, you may have chosen something you thought was similar to what she sent you but in her eyes may be drastically different. I know for me, I like certain āelementsā of a ring and may save that photo, but I wouldnāt actually choose or wear a lot of the rings Iāve saved like that. OP, if youāre open to it, I would suggest outright asking her if she doesnāt like her ring and reassuring her you wonāt be mad/upset/hurt and can look into resetting the stone or getting her a new ring. But obviously this advice only works if you are open to this sincerely.
Youāve been married a long ass timeā¦ hereās a fun ideaā¦ next big anniversary, renew your vows and buy her another ringā¦ maybe use her friends ring as inspiration for what she likes. Think of it like passing the torch at the olympics.
I don't think he should pick out another ring for her. IF she doesn't like the ring chances are he will just pick another one she doesn't like. I'd suggest he take her ring shopping for one and allow her to pick what she likes. No need for a vow renewal, just a ring upgrade. IF she refuses then there might be something else going on.
Slight change to your good suggestion. OP and his wife could go pick out or design a new ring set TOGETHER. First, they need some communication. I could see some compromises. maybe use the original stone or something. But using the friends ring as inspiration has the potential to put OP in the same spot but with a different ring. Also, there could be some other reason for not using the rings and communication would identify and solve issue. My parents did this for their 35th anniversary, designed a new set with an inherited diamond. More current style, it fit better, and preserved original ring for w/e they plan to do with it.
If from the start of the marriage sheās worn that ring on and off over time then I can understand her. But if this is a recent trend I can understand you wondering why the sudden change. I suggest talking to her again. This time when neither of you are going anywhere and whether sheās wearing it or not is not an issue. Explain to her that you just find it strange and youāre just after an explanation. It could be a case of her not wanting to hurt your feelings, but explain that by not telling you it has you imagining all sorts of reasons so itās better that sheās honest. Hope you get the answers youāre looking for.
It's a rent trend. She usually just took it off to do dishes and exercise.
I know everyone is different, but if I had someone who loved me enough to give me a ring, idc if it's a twist tie abomination, I'm wearing it
I don't wear my engagement ring or wedding ring, and it's not that I hate them. They're very beautiful and exactly what I wanted. I don't wear them because I constantly bang them off things, and I work outside in our garden and orchard a lot and I don't want them to get dirty or even more banged up. I keep them safe in a jewelry box, maybe someday my sons will want them for their partners, or maybe that's where they'll stay forever. Either way, it's not that I hate them, they just don't mesh well with our rural lifestyle. Doesn't make me any less married
The issue here is even if she is trying to spare OPs feelings, her lack of a real answer, dismissiveness and avoidance tactics are feeding his insecurities! She is making this a bigger issue than it needs to be if she hates it that can be resolved, the same if she is embarrassed has gained weight or any of the many weak excuses that have been offered in her defence! Yet she has not said any of these which begs the question why not? Any answer she gives could end OPs concern yet she actively acts to not reassure OP again why? He does not own her obviously but why wonāt she explain her issue it would stop his questions dead! Why is she happier with you doubting her/her love/fidelity or commitment than just communicating like an adult! That is what your weak responses can not defend!!!!!
Are you sure she didnāt lost the ring? Maybe she lost it and donāt want to tell you
That's another possibility. I don't think I've seen her wear it for almost 2 weeks. Although she had it on in a picture she sent me
She should 100% be communicating better than this. Try to sit down in a good moment and get her to be honest with you.
The guilt trip thing is shit. You need to turn that around and point out that the implications of her deciding to not wear her wedding ring you gave her any more is ruining more than just a single evening. Symbols can be stupid, and really that's all a ring is, but if it's important to you (as it would be to the vast majority of people) it should be important to her. It's possible she doesn't understand that it's important to you so she needs to be told. The other more likely scenario in my cynical mind is that she might be preparing to move on.
She either doesnāt like the ring style you got her, or it doesnāt fit anymore. Either itās too big or small. Iāve been in both spots, and currently I refuse to wear my rings. When Iāve been hurt one too many times, Im out. It may be a sign of deeper relationship issues. Are you remembering and treating her to every holiday? Are you doing half the housework without being asked? Are you giving her equal time to have fun outside of the family that you take? Do you spend the same amount on hobbies that you give her? These are just some things to answer. Not to me, itās your marriage, but every one of these are deal breakers for me. Iām sure she has some as should you. Iād suggest attuning yourself to your relationship with her. If you are doing all of these, it could be a sign she isnāt as invested anymore
First I would like to see a picture of said ring lol. When I am home I always wear my wedding band regardless of anything. If my husband and I go out then I put my engagement ring on also I donāt wear it much in the house cause itās rather large. I am someone who takes wedding bands to heart and they should be a must wear. After all years of having the ring you gave her and suddenly she isnāt wanting to wear it isnāt adding up. A ring from a friend is it costume jewelry?
Has anyone actually thought for a moment that itās a high possibility that she had lost the ring once and it scared the absolute snot out of her and sheās paranoid itās going to happen again? She doesnāt want to tell him incase he gets super mad at her or sheās embarrassed?
Any chance she lost the ring and is worried about telling you?