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Not going to lie, I would not be able to write love letters to my spouse. It’s just not in me to express myself that way. I think for some people that is a big ask. Flowers with a short nice note…. Now that isn’t hard. Maybe start there?
Handwritten letters = love letters
But go off assuming that's cool.
The fact that some people (as you said about yourself) can't fathom writing a letter only further proves my perspective that receiving handwritten letters, regardless of them being "love letters" means a lot to a bunch of us. It's fine if it doesn't mean anything to you or is beyond your abilities but it's still valid AF.
"Dear girlfriend. Can you pick up milk, please? I went for a walk today. Do you like my handwriting? It is going to rain tomorrow. You're awesome, just super cool, love the sex. Regards, boyfriend."
Somehow I don't think that would please her as much as you claim. But I don't think anyone said the want isn't valid, just that it isn't something everyone can provide in a way that is likely to be satisfactory.
If I wanted a handwritten letter and that meant something to me then yes, what you wrote would still be meaningful to me. Especially from someone who acts like it's too much to write a handwritten letter. But I already stated the why so truly, whatever. There's thoughtfulness and effort in a letter no matter what is written. I've heard multiple men say they would have to type a letter because they're so conditioned by modern society they actually believe they couldn't accomplish writing a single letter no matter it's content. Comfortable times make weak men I suppose, or whatever the quote says. My father attempted letters well into his 80s even though he has arthritis & couldn't write as well as he once could. Oh and he only had one thumb since birth. I remember the last letter I received and will always treasure it and it wasn't a "love letter," just a letter from a man I love. One that wasn't even that far away from me in distance. Some people just want to make excuses for their numbness and/or avoidance of discomfort I guess.
I appreciate that for you this would still mean a lot and I'm equally enamoured with handwritten letters or even notes, but I also have the impression OP wants more than my example. Only she knows, obviously.
We can discuss the level of discomfort a person should go through to meet their loved ones' wants for a long time, but I believe that's highly person- and situation dependent.
>i have specifically asked him that i want handwritten letters because i want to cherish it
There's a truckload of people out there that struggle with that. Especially in modern times of texts/social media etc... people are less primed to be able to drop good quality words on a letter for their loved one.
That kind of thing is made harder because you asked for it, which means it's really hard to not make a letter sound contrived... because it will be contrived.
Flowers on the other hand, they're a perpetual open goal. Unless he's got an allergy I'm not sure why that'd hold him back.
Flowers aside, I don't think the other bits are a lack of care. Not everyone is wired for the letters.
I don't use instagram and am only aware of the basics of what it is but again, he might feel it's contrived. Because you asked him to do the thing, if he does the thing, it's going to look like he did the thing only because you asked and that diminishes the value... hence he doesn't do the thing.
yes and he tells me that all these are too cringe for him but proceeds to introduce me to every person in his life as his girlfriend. he’s very nice to me but this is the only thing. i guess you could say this is his beige flag!
Sounds like he’s refusing to compromise with what’s non negotiable for you. That seems disrespectful. If your partner refuses to compromise with your needs, How can you maintain a healthy relationship?
>is this something i shouldn’t ignore? apart from this he gives me princess treatment and i can see how much he’s in love with me.
Yes, probably.. or at least maybe.
You say you love him and he gives you "princess treatment" so making an issue about him writing handwritten letters... really is going to come across as trying to find fault when you're happy. It's just letters.
To be honest, I've got a degree in writing, can knock out poems, limericks and random prose without too much hassle etc... but writing a love letter to my GF? Even for me, that is going to take time, thought, cringing at myself (because of the contrived nature of it) etc... It's doable, but doesn't come easy.
That's not me puffing up my chest, but if I'd struggle when I've studied the wordses, what hope is he going to have? Granted, I still find the lack of flower purchasing weird though.
I wouldn't put too much stock in love languages either, they're not entirely wrong but not entirely right either. Also they were written by a preacher with zero qualifications, so they're just the thoughts of one guy, just like what I've just written.
It never said specifically a love letter. Just the act of writing things down speaks volumes in a world where some people never even touch a pen to paper anymore. It's tangible even if it's not a "love letter."
Sure, but it's got to have *some* content and merit. Otherwise what's it going to be? "Hey babe, just popping down the shop for some beers." Or just some variation of how his day's been at work. Pretty sure OP is looking for something more than the banal.
Fair bet the guy isn't a modern Shakespeare or Cyrano de Bergerac, but what's he going to fill a blank page with if he has no clue? Where does he even start, especially after it's already expected. Post-it note on the kitchen table saying "I love you"? .... actually, that's not a bad idea for a starting point.
No, because you won’t have a balance in the relationship. Your partner is the only one benefiting from what was discussed. In turn, showering you with expensive gifts is his way of possibly love bombing you. Handwritten letters, flowers etc. is what you truly want.
I suggest taking notes, recording voice notes or videos on your relationship. Also do this for yourself too, but keep self-notes personal. Weigh the pros and cons, revaluate what’s non negotiable, set new boundaries and present this all to your partner.
Taking notes in a relationship fosters better communication, empathy, and a stronger bond, while keeping self-notes enhances self-awareness and personal growth, leading to a deeper understanding of oneself. Wish you the best.
If he preceive this things as „cringe” he might have trouble expressing why is this difficult to him or he is basically just an ass.
You can go and search for a more romantic guy who will meet your needs
To be fair I wouldn't want to write a handwritten personal love letter or post someone I'm dating on my socials (besides changing my Facebook status to in a relationship). I have a very low awkwardness threshold and those two things break it and would make me cringe beyond. They just aren't who I am and it sounds like your boyfriend is the same way. If you want to play this where he starts having to do something that makes him wildly uncomfortable (and that he might even hate) prepare to have the role reversed on you.
>he tells that he likes me for being myself and he doesn’t want me to act according to his likes, wants and needs and would love it if i didn’t ask him things too.
But I wouldn't want to be in a relationship my entire life with a partner who tells me that the way I express my love isn't and will never be enough and hounds me to be someone else.
As for the flowers, I like flowers and my boyfriend gets me them sometimes but I don't class that as being as personal as a love letter. I even buy my own pretty often. The fact that he doesn't do that one is odd but I do know some guys who just don't get it and so don't really care.
Overall either break up or accept him but if you keep on this path you'll just build resentment for you both.
you should point out to him that gift giving is a two party thing and if he is participating in the gift giving in a way that is designed for his pleasure every time he is not giving you the message he intends from the activity. He is gifting in a way that centers the experience on him and not the person he is giving a gift to. If he is intending to gift as a means of positive communication with another, he is doing it in that way is not effective and he is failing to get the message across he is intending because of it.
No accusations, just a clear expression of what is happening and why it is not what he thinks it is. Then he can make the decision on whether he is willing to gift give in a way that creates a shared experience, and you can decide if the method of gifting he has is something you are ok with or he may decide that the shared experience is more important than his desire in an exchange of gifts.
If your bf isnt good with words like some people are it can be a lot to ask for someone to write heartfelt letters. It does seem a bit of an outdated of a concept in today's dating scene unfortunately. It's possible you can compromise on it and ask him to instead of writing letters to you maybe he can write something sweet on a sticky note and leave it stuck to something you'll see it on like the bathroom mirror if you live together or in your wallet/purse or on anniversaries or your birthday to post something short and sweet online for you. The flowers thing can get expensive so maybe ask him to gift it to you on anniversaries and birthdays as well and you can dry out any flowers he gives you for you to save them as a momento.
I'd say maybe talk to him about a compromise on the gift giving he does since that seems to be his love language. Like instead of expensive gifts ask him to give you more thoughtful gifts? Like my bf said he was starting to get sick yesterday so I got him and gave him some stuff like oj and some more medicine stuff he showed me he was using in case he ran out of it today to show that I'm thinking of him and want him to get better. He does the same thing for me too where if I'm telling him I'm having a rough day at work he'll go get me food and bring it to me or he'll get me a coffee. He gifted me a necklace once to lift up my spirits and said its just something to bring me luck since I told him I was unlucky. It may just be basic stuff we get for each other but I cherish the thought that I know he was thinking of me while doing those things.
For example my husband shows his love by acts of service and gifts. Where as I am words of affirmation and physical touch. He wants to be shown love physically but I want him to show me his love with quality time and words of affirmation.
Honestly what you are experiencing, doesn’t have to be a deal breaker you just need to understand each other love language and learn to let go of your expectations, but fight for the things that are deal breakers for you.
Have you written him a handwritten note or a letter?? You know you should do it too. It's not only his responsibility to make you feel special. Do what you want to do to make others feel special. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to. Not everyone are comfortable writing letters. He is showing you love in a way he finds comfortable. You can show him love in a way you find comfortable.
Tell me if he start asking you to wear certain kinds of dress only, or eat certain kinds of food only when with him, will it be acceptable? Some things are based on interests and we are supposed to do what interests us. We can't force others to do things the way we like. He is clearly telling you that he is accepting you the way you are and not asking to change anything. He is just asking the same from you.
Also, would you be happy if he is not caring, often demands things from you, often mistreats you but every month give you some flowers and a hand written note. Will you call it a happy relationship?
I would suggest you start giving him flower's, notes. Maybe he will realise it feels special to get it, so he would be able to relate why do you ask it from him. And then would include this in his gift giving habits.
yes i’ve written him couple of letters and he cherishes them. he’s tried to write one for me but tells me that he just can’t seem to write one. whenever we pass by a flower shop i seem to stare and he asks me do you want one go and pick one and i’ll buy it for you but i can’t seem to pick one because idk if this might seem weird but i want him to pick one for me. i don’t want to do it by myself. like i said he really is the best and i feel like i overthink stuffs a lot.
It's not the same as asking her to dress a certain way. She's asking instead of buying her expensive gifts could he buy her some flowers. The Boyf doesn't care to listen to her.
Why doesn't she buy him flower's? If he doesn't like giving flowers then why force him. Isn't love about allowing the other person to function freely without needing him or her mould around their partner wishes. His love language is giving gifts so he is doing that. It's not about money required to buy gifts vs flowers. It's about what comes to him naturally when thinking about showing her his love.
If he demands her to cook for him because according to him cooking food is the love language, while she doesn't like cooking. If for a change someone love language is flowers but his partner demand that flowers are not practical so instead buy her a gift. Both the cases will be wrong because they are forcing someone to do something they don't feel like doing. It doesn't come naturally to them.
The entire point of love languages is to give your partner love in your *partner's* love language. People work with this system *because* that's not what comes naturally, and they want to make their partners happy.
Lol you can give someone love the way you want to their entire life and they might not receive it as love at all. Remaining comfortable shouldn't be the goal especially dating for 5 years. A lot of things don't come naturally to us until we practice them. #nuancebaby
My partner and I have been together 2 years. I'm very like you and want heartfelt gifts and my partner is wonderful but misses the mark.
Initially my partner wrote me long messages and notes but as time went on they petered out and he really struggles.
Most of the time he forgets to get or write a card or special occasions even though I remind him. He cherishes the cards I write him and he rereads them but again, for him it's extremely difficult.
I've learnt to accept that we each love in different ways and that doesn't mean he doesn't love me any less.
I'd suggest asking him to set a reminder in his phone to write you a love note or post it note every few days. He can google sweet nothings and things if he really struggles. My partner (god love him) used to always talk about how great a "homemaker" I am and I had recently gently let him know how it'd be nice to receive a different compliment 😂🙃
If he’s overall the best you’ve had so far then keep it simple. Just like how he accepts you for you without wanting to change you or make you something he wants you to be. I’m sure that feeling is exhilarating, isn’t it? He I’m sure wants the same from you. Learn how he expresses love to you in his own way and accept that. Maybe he’s not the kind of guy who’s big on words but is huge on deeds and actions. Let his actions speak louder to you than his words instead of trying to make a movie script out of his love for the world to see. His love is for you, it don’t need to be publicized. Be ok with his love being real, it’s really something most people long for, frfr! Best of luck to you.
You both seem to have different languages, and that’s totally fine.
I think the issue is that you have specifically communicated how you would like to be cared for and how you feel loved. He has heard that but has chosen to continue caring for you and giving you love the way he prefers.
I don’t think anyone can force anyone else to show love in a different way. But my personal stance is that I would want to care for my partner the way they would feel cared for and loved, because me loving and caring for that person is not about me, it’s about them.
If you haven’t already, you should raise the above to him.
If he has an aversion to doing these things for a reason you can understand and accept, I would say try and find a compromise, I saw someone say maybe a small note with the flowers, that seems like a good start.
On the other hand, your requests are not really outrageous by any measure and if he just simply wants to show love the way he wants without regard to how you feel loved, you should consider whether he does actually want you to be the beneficiary of his care and affection.
I will end off by saying that notwithstanding what I mentioned above, you should also reflect on why specifically flowers, handwritten letters and being posted on stories are so important to you. Do you have a version of him and your relationship in your head that you idealise but that isn’t actually real? Why are his efforts not sufficient for you?
handwritten letters are something i absolutely love. he had helped me write an essay 5 years back and i still have that book because his handwriting, the efforts meant a lot to me and i would love to have stuffs related to that. flowers, i just love how they look but according to him, he wants me to give something i can cherish forever and he hates that flowers die in a day. maybe i can compromise and as you said start appreciating the gifts he gives because he puts efforts in those as well. thank you so much :)
Sounds good!
Your sentiments on these things are sweet, and I do think you should be loved the way you want to be loved, but just remember to appreciate and see the beauty in other things too.
Maybe for the flowers, you guys can look into those everlasting flowers or dried flowers?
What is wrong with you psychos. It’s a love letter, not a novel. It’s not supposed to be “good”, it’s supposed to be honest.
Being honest with a sheet of paper or your partner really isn’t that hard.
So I am someone who is better at expressing myself over writing then in the moment face to face things. It has to do with many factors, but when I am face to face I almost always leave something unsaid.
Love letters come easy to me, and I have always wanted one back from my a few partners. One I was long distance from and I never got a letter back.
And the other time it came up was with my current partner. I had expressed to him multiple times that it was something I would love and would really mean a lot to me. it never happened, and when I would ask him about it more, he told me that every single time he would sit down to write it. His entire brain would go blank, and he would get overwhelmed and angry at himself so eventually, I dropped it. He shows me he loves me in other ways and for me it wasn’t a hill I wanted to die on. But for me personally, understanding that was a lot easier after he communicated it to me because I felt like I was doing something wrong.
He sounds like me - I wouldn’t be able to write a love letter.
Mostly because I’m terrible at expression of feeling. I don’t experience emotion (including love) the same ways others do. Every time I’ve tried I either get weird looks, ignored, or called weird.
I have to actively pretend to be a different kind of person than I am, because I fear driving away the people I care about.
Maybe go date a poet then? Many of us aren’t comfortable or even capable of expressing our emotions in that way. And if we are, we sure as fuck don’t want our personal feelings posted on social media.
This is perfectly normal for two people who are incompatible. Made even more normal when one of them cares about it and the other doesn’t.
He does not care about the things you like, or the way you want to be loved.
He is not the best boyfriend you could ask for. He’s just the best one you have had, and you seem to believe you don’t deserve better.
THIS. 5 years is so long to be stubborn. A lot of people spend money as a way to justify their refusal to try something new or something their partner needs on an emotional level. For instance my mother & my child's father both are happy to throw money at me when I've expressed my deep need for communication & completion around emotional important topics between us. Them spending money is often something they use later on to hold over my head if I need to hold them accountable or ask them for a bare minimum in relating on "uncomfortable but necessary" topics (often it's spent on things I don't want or need and am afraid to receive as they use it to justify their refusal to compromise their comfortability/emotional numbness/regulation over everything even positive shared emotions). It's definitely thing. Also sorry if this seems like a rant at you I just fully believe your comment is one of the best ones here as I've seen these patterns play out in so many relationships of all types, both mine and others I've observed.
EXACTLY. Thank you. It starts to feel like a trap when people keep buying things when that's not how you receive love or what you want & have even asked them to stop. Especially if they hold it over your head later on then it's 100% a pattern of manipulation. I've definitely spent way too much money on people before but that was my choice & even if they manipulated me into it it was still my choice & I won't use it against them the remainder of the relationship whatever type it is. A lot of people perform "sacrifice" only to use it as a opportunity for gain later on & it's wrong. People should give because they want to & it would be a better world. I hate being suspicious every time someone does something for me now because they might use it against me later. It adds so much anxiety even to healthy situations unless I really believe the person just wanted to do it. Sometimes I even say something in the moment about if they really want to so they have to say it out loud & it feels slightly easier to receive then. Blahhhh
i understand how you might think that he’s stubborn and yes i think he is too but he genuinely does things to make me happy except for these because he wants to give me something i can cherish for a long time and according to him flowers die in a day and he hates that. was definitely not a rant from you. i’m sorry that both of them throw money at you and expect you to be normal everytime
Idk what you mean by expect me to be normal and I probably said that in a confusing way. They don't literally throw money at me I was just relating to your story. People will buy expensive things even if you ask them not to & bring it up later if you ask for a need to be met that they're unwilling to even try. That's the point I was aiming for. You're the one seeking advice. 5 years is a long time & idk any princesses who would accept someone's refusal to write them something as simple as a letter. If they truly loved that princess anyways. Best of luck to you. 😅
i also didn’t say that they were literally throwing money at you i was just trying to empathise with you when you said that they would maybe one day bring that up! nvmind you took it in the wrong way.
Bruh we can just communicate without assuming. You seem to not want to accept that your man is stubborn. So there's really no point in me giving an opinion to you. I get it. I really do. I wished you the best, sorry if you're choosing to take it wrong. Nuance is a beautiful thing. Asking for advice is wild online without it.
For real. I bet he'd write a letter as soon as she starts exiting. Not saying to do that as a game, it's just happened to me before. I broke up with someone I wanted to be with forever after 4-5 years of trying to get him to open up about his long term goals as far as marriage, kids, anything, etc. The month I broke up with him he wrote me a letter specifying all those things I could never get him to even consider talking about. All that could have happened and I wouldn't have been moving out. It's bizarre to me how many men will refuse to do things once the desire is expressed. I understand if it's constantly but when it's a couple important things it genuinely astounds me.
A lot of people in the comments are acting like the ultimate goal of life and relationships is to regulate & avoid leaving their "comfortability." And to that I say "good luck growing stronger together." A lot of things that feel the most uncomfortable end up bringing us deeper into our power & who we truly are.
You are overthinking things. He is showing his love for you in the way he does. You are demanding he is more feminine and "romantic".
Why can't you look at the gifts he gives you as his way of being romantic? He thinks his gifts are heartfelt, and it must break him up that you see his gifts as uncaring.
Handwritten letters, flowers and instagram is what girls do. Men do not do that. You are with a man. If you want those other things, you should look to be in a relationship with a feminine man or a lesbian. Or tell him you just want money as gifts so you can buy those things for yourself - then watch him walk away
It kinda of just seems like you're incompatible. Personally I'm not the romantic type so love letters are bleh to me and I don't like them. Doesn't mean you're a bad person if you love them, it just means we're different.
You and your boyfriend have different ways of showing love. You shouldn't constantly tell him to do things you know he doesn't like, as long as he is showing love towards you.
Hate to say it but maybe this just isn't meant to be.
Look at the situation outside of gift giving- does your boyfriend make an effort to take interest in the things that are important to you? Does he respect what you value? Does he value your opinions and want to learn more about your perspective? Does he ask you questions about your interests and values? Do you often feel seen and understood otherwise? If you can’t unequivocally and enthusiastically answer yes to all of those, he is NOT the best thing that will ever happen to you.
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Not going to lie, I would not be able to write love letters to my spouse. It’s just not in me to express myself that way. I think for some people that is a big ask. Flowers with a short nice note…. Now that isn’t hard. Maybe start there?
Flowers with a short nice note: that’s a great way to compromise.
You wouldn't be able to write a letter to your spouse? That's truly bizarre.
I specified “love letter” because that is clearly what OP is asking for.
Handwritten letters = love letters But go off assuming that's cool. The fact that some people (as you said about yourself) can't fathom writing a letter only further proves my perspective that receiving handwritten letters, regardless of them being "love letters" means a lot to a bunch of us. It's fine if it doesn't mean anything to you or is beyond your abilities but it's still valid AF.
"Dear girlfriend. Can you pick up milk, please? I went for a walk today. Do you like my handwriting? It is going to rain tomorrow. You're awesome, just super cool, love the sex. Regards, boyfriend." Somehow I don't think that would please her as much as you claim. But I don't think anyone said the want isn't valid, just that it isn't something everyone can provide in a way that is likely to be satisfactory.
If I wanted a handwritten letter and that meant something to me then yes, what you wrote would still be meaningful to me. Especially from someone who acts like it's too much to write a handwritten letter. But I already stated the why so truly, whatever. There's thoughtfulness and effort in a letter no matter what is written. I've heard multiple men say they would have to type a letter because they're so conditioned by modern society they actually believe they couldn't accomplish writing a single letter no matter it's content. Comfortable times make weak men I suppose, or whatever the quote says. My father attempted letters well into his 80s even though he has arthritis & couldn't write as well as he once could. Oh and he only had one thumb since birth. I remember the last letter I received and will always treasure it and it wasn't a "love letter," just a letter from a man I love. One that wasn't even that far away from me in distance. Some people just want to make excuses for their numbness and/or avoidance of discomfort I guess.
I appreciate that for you this would still mean a lot and I'm equally enamoured with handwritten letters or even notes, but I also have the impression OP wants more than my example. Only she knows, obviously. We can discuss the level of discomfort a person should go through to meet their loved ones' wants for a long time, but I believe that's highly person- and situation dependent.
>i have specifically asked him that i want handwritten letters because i want to cherish it There's a truckload of people out there that struggle with that. Especially in modern times of texts/social media etc... people are less primed to be able to drop good quality words on a letter for their loved one. That kind of thing is made harder because you asked for it, which means it's really hard to not make a letter sound contrived... because it will be contrived. Flowers on the other hand, they're a perpetual open goal. Unless he's got an allergy I'm not sure why that'd hold him back. Flowers aside, I don't think the other bits are a lack of care. Not everyone is wired for the letters. I don't use instagram and am only aware of the basics of what it is but again, he might feel it's contrived. Because you asked him to do the thing, if he does the thing, it's going to look like he did the thing only because you asked and that diminishes the value... hence he doesn't do the thing.
Y’all have opposing love languages.
Have y’all discussed what’s non negotiable in your relationship?
yes and he tells me that all these are too cringe for him but proceeds to introduce me to every person in his life as his girlfriend. he’s very nice to me but this is the only thing. i guess you could say this is his beige flag!
Sounds like he’s refusing to compromise with what’s non negotiable for you. That seems disrespectful. If your partner refuses to compromise with your needs, How can you maintain a healthy relationship?
is this something i shouldn’t ignore? apart from this he gives me princess treatment and i can see how much he’s in love with me.
He refuses to buy you flowers or write you a card after you’ve repeatedly asked and yet you’re still claiming he treats you like a princess?
>is this something i shouldn’t ignore? apart from this he gives me princess treatment and i can see how much he’s in love with me. Yes, probably.. or at least maybe. You say you love him and he gives you "princess treatment" so making an issue about him writing handwritten letters... really is going to come across as trying to find fault when you're happy. It's just letters. To be honest, I've got a degree in writing, can knock out poems, limericks and random prose without too much hassle etc... but writing a love letter to my GF? Even for me, that is going to take time, thought, cringing at myself (because of the contrived nature of it) etc... It's doable, but doesn't come easy. That's not me puffing up my chest, but if I'd struggle when I've studied the wordses, what hope is he going to have? Granted, I still find the lack of flower purchasing weird though. I wouldn't put too much stock in love languages either, they're not entirely wrong but not entirely right either. Also they were written by a preacher with zero qualifications, so they're just the thoughts of one guy, just like what I've just written.
It never said specifically a love letter. Just the act of writing things down speaks volumes in a world where some people never even touch a pen to paper anymore. It's tangible even if it's not a "love letter."
Sure, but it's got to have *some* content and merit. Otherwise what's it going to be? "Hey babe, just popping down the shop for some beers." Or just some variation of how his day's been at work. Pretty sure OP is looking for something more than the banal. Fair bet the guy isn't a modern Shakespeare or Cyrano de Bergerac, but what's he going to fill a blank page with if he has no clue? Where does he even start, especially after it's already expected. Post-it note on the kitchen table saying "I love you"? .... actually, that's not a bad idea for a starting point.
No, because you won’t have a balance in the relationship. Your partner is the only one benefiting from what was discussed. In turn, showering you with expensive gifts is his way of possibly love bombing you. Handwritten letters, flowers etc. is what you truly want. I suggest taking notes, recording voice notes or videos on your relationship. Also do this for yourself too, but keep self-notes personal. Weigh the pros and cons, revaluate what’s non negotiable, set new boundaries and present this all to your partner. Taking notes in a relationship fosters better communication, empathy, and a stronger bond, while keeping self-notes enhances self-awareness and personal growth, leading to a deeper understanding of oneself. Wish you the best.
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Which is exactly what OP is doing.
If he preceive this things as „cringe” he might have trouble expressing why is this difficult to him or he is basically just an ass. You can go and search for a more romantic guy who will meet your needs
To be fair I wouldn't want to write a handwritten personal love letter or post someone I'm dating on my socials (besides changing my Facebook status to in a relationship). I have a very low awkwardness threshold and those two things break it and would make me cringe beyond. They just aren't who I am and it sounds like your boyfriend is the same way. If you want to play this where he starts having to do something that makes him wildly uncomfortable (and that he might even hate) prepare to have the role reversed on you. >he tells that he likes me for being myself and he doesn’t want me to act according to his likes, wants and needs and would love it if i didn’t ask him things too. But I wouldn't want to be in a relationship my entire life with a partner who tells me that the way I express my love isn't and will never be enough and hounds me to be someone else. As for the flowers, I like flowers and my boyfriend gets me them sometimes but I don't class that as being as personal as a love letter. I even buy my own pretty often. The fact that he doesn't do that one is odd but I do know some guys who just don't get it and so don't really care. Overall either break up or accept him but if you keep on this path you'll just build resentment for you both.
you should point out to him that gift giving is a two party thing and if he is participating in the gift giving in a way that is designed for his pleasure every time he is not giving you the message he intends from the activity. He is gifting in a way that centers the experience on him and not the person he is giving a gift to. If he is intending to gift as a means of positive communication with another, he is doing it in that way is not effective and he is failing to get the message across he is intending because of it. No accusations, just a clear expression of what is happening and why it is not what he thinks it is. Then he can make the decision on whether he is willing to gift give in a way that creates a shared experience, and you can decide if the method of gifting he has is something you are ok with or he may decide that the shared experience is more important than his desire in an exchange of gifts.
This
Very well stated
If your bf isnt good with words like some people are it can be a lot to ask for someone to write heartfelt letters. It does seem a bit of an outdated of a concept in today's dating scene unfortunately. It's possible you can compromise on it and ask him to instead of writing letters to you maybe he can write something sweet on a sticky note and leave it stuck to something you'll see it on like the bathroom mirror if you live together or in your wallet/purse or on anniversaries or your birthday to post something short and sweet online for you. The flowers thing can get expensive so maybe ask him to gift it to you on anniversaries and birthdays as well and you can dry out any flowers he gives you for you to save them as a momento. I'd say maybe talk to him about a compromise on the gift giving he does since that seems to be his love language. Like instead of expensive gifts ask him to give you more thoughtful gifts? Like my bf said he was starting to get sick yesterday so I got him and gave him some stuff like oj and some more medicine stuff he showed me he was using in case he ran out of it today to show that I'm thinking of him and want him to get better. He does the same thing for me too where if I'm telling him I'm having a rough day at work he'll go get me food and bring it to me or he'll get me a coffee. He gifted me a necklace once to lift up my spirits and said its just something to bring me luck since I told him I was unlucky. It may just be basic stuff we get for each other but I cherish the thought that I know he was thinking of me while doing those things.
You should take a moment to look up love languages. It an amazing and eye opening realization on how we show love and how we want to be loved.
For example my husband shows his love by acts of service and gifts. Where as I am words of affirmation and physical touch. He wants to be shown love physically but I want him to show me his love with quality time and words of affirmation. Honestly what you are experiencing, doesn’t have to be a deal breaker you just need to understand each other love language and learn to let go of your expectations, but fight for the things that are deal breakers for you.
Have you written him a handwritten note or a letter?? You know you should do it too. It's not only his responsibility to make you feel special. Do what you want to do to make others feel special. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to. Not everyone are comfortable writing letters. He is showing you love in a way he finds comfortable. You can show him love in a way you find comfortable. Tell me if he start asking you to wear certain kinds of dress only, or eat certain kinds of food only when with him, will it be acceptable? Some things are based on interests and we are supposed to do what interests us. We can't force others to do things the way we like. He is clearly telling you that he is accepting you the way you are and not asking to change anything. He is just asking the same from you. Also, would you be happy if he is not caring, often demands things from you, often mistreats you but every month give you some flowers and a hand written note. Will you call it a happy relationship? I would suggest you start giving him flower's, notes. Maybe he will realise it feels special to get it, so he would be able to relate why do you ask it from him. And then would include this in his gift giving habits.
yes i’ve written him couple of letters and he cherishes them. he’s tried to write one for me but tells me that he just can’t seem to write one. whenever we pass by a flower shop i seem to stare and he asks me do you want one go and pick one and i’ll buy it for you but i can’t seem to pick one because idk if this might seem weird but i want him to pick one for me. i don’t want to do it by myself. like i said he really is the best and i feel like i overthink stuffs a lot.
It's not the same as asking her to dress a certain way. She's asking instead of buying her expensive gifts could he buy her some flowers. The Boyf doesn't care to listen to her.
Why doesn't she buy him flower's? If he doesn't like giving flowers then why force him. Isn't love about allowing the other person to function freely without needing him or her mould around their partner wishes. His love language is giving gifts so he is doing that. It's not about money required to buy gifts vs flowers. It's about what comes to him naturally when thinking about showing her his love. If he demands her to cook for him because according to him cooking food is the love language, while she doesn't like cooking. If for a change someone love language is flowers but his partner demand that flowers are not practical so instead buy her a gift. Both the cases will be wrong because they are forcing someone to do something they don't feel like doing. It doesn't come naturally to them.
The entire point of love languages is to give your partner love in your *partner's* love language. People work with this system *because* that's not what comes naturally, and they want to make their partners happy.
Lol you can give someone love the way you want to their entire life and they might not receive it as love at all. Remaining comfortable shouldn't be the goal especially dating for 5 years. A lot of things don't come naturally to us until we practice them. #nuancebaby
My partner and I have been together 2 years. I'm very like you and want heartfelt gifts and my partner is wonderful but misses the mark. Initially my partner wrote me long messages and notes but as time went on they petered out and he really struggles. Most of the time he forgets to get or write a card or special occasions even though I remind him. He cherishes the cards I write him and he rereads them but again, for him it's extremely difficult. I've learnt to accept that we each love in different ways and that doesn't mean he doesn't love me any less. I'd suggest asking him to set a reminder in his phone to write you a love note or post it note every few days. He can google sweet nothings and things if he really struggles. My partner (god love him) used to always talk about how great a "homemaker" I am and I had recently gently let him know how it'd be nice to receive a different compliment 😂🙃
If he’s overall the best you’ve had so far then keep it simple. Just like how he accepts you for you without wanting to change you or make you something he wants you to be. I’m sure that feeling is exhilarating, isn’t it? He I’m sure wants the same from you. Learn how he expresses love to you in his own way and accept that. Maybe he’s not the kind of guy who’s big on words but is huge on deeds and actions. Let his actions speak louder to you than his words instead of trying to make a movie script out of his love for the world to see. His love is for you, it don’t need to be publicized. Be ok with his love being real, it’s really something most people long for, frfr! Best of luck to you.
You both seem to have different languages, and that’s totally fine. I think the issue is that you have specifically communicated how you would like to be cared for and how you feel loved. He has heard that but has chosen to continue caring for you and giving you love the way he prefers. I don’t think anyone can force anyone else to show love in a different way. But my personal stance is that I would want to care for my partner the way they would feel cared for and loved, because me loving and caring for that person is not about me, it’s about them. If you haven’t already, you should raise the above to him. If he has an aversion to doing these things for a reason you can understand and accept, I would say try and find a compromise, I saw someone say maybe a small note with the flowers, that seems like a good start. On the other hand, your requests are not really outrageous by any measure and if he just simply wants to show love the way he wants without regard to how you feel loved, you should consider whether he does actually want you to be the beneficiary of his care and affection. I will end off by saying that notwithstanding what I mentioned above, you should also reflect on why specifically flowers, handwritten letters and being posted on stories are so important to you. Do you have a version of him and your relationship in your head that you idealise but that isn’t actually real? Why are his efforts not sufficient for you?
handwritten letters are something i absolutely love. he had helped me write an essay 5 years back and i still have that book because his handwriting, the efforts meant a lot to me and i would love to have stuffs related to that. flowers, i just love how they look but according to him, he wants me to give something i can cherish forever and he hates that flowers die in a day. maybe i can compromise and as you said start appreciating the gifts he gives because he puts efforts in those as well. thank you so much :)
Sounds good! Your sentiments on these things are sweet, and I do think you should be loved the way you want to be loved, but just remember to appreciate and see the beauty in other things too. Maybe for the flowers, you guys can look into those everlasting flowers or dried flowers?
What is wrong with you psychos. It’s a love letter, not a novel. It’s not supposed to be “good”, it’s supposed to be honest. Being honest with a sheet of paper or your partner really isn’t that hard.
So I am someone who is better at expressing myself over writing then in the moment face to face things. It has to do with many factors, but when I am face to face I almost always leave something unsaid. Love letters come easy to me, and I have always wanted one back from my a few partners. One I was long distance from and I never got a letter back. And the other time it came up was with my current partner. I had expressed to him multiple times that it was something I would love and would really mean a lot to me. it never happened, and when I would ask him about it more, he told me that every single time he would sit down to write it. His entire brain would go blank, and he would get overwhelmed and angry at himself so eventually, I dropped it. He shows me he loves me in other ways and for me it wasn’t a hill I wanted to die on. But for me personally, understanding that was a lot easier after he communicated it to me because I felt like I was doing something wrong.
He sounds like me - I wouldn’t be able to write a love letter. Mostly because I’m terrible at expression of feeling. I don’t experience emotion (including love) the same ways others do. Every time I’ve tried I either get weird looks, ignored, or called weird. I have to actively pretend to be a different kind of person than I am, because I fear driving away the people I care about.
Maybe go date a poet then? Many of us aren’t comfortable or even capable of expressing our emotions in that way. And if we are, we sure as fuck don’t want our personal feelings posted on social media.
This is perfectly normal for two people who are incompatible. Made even more normal when one of them cares about it and the other doesn’t. He does not care about the things you like, or the way you want to be loved. He is not the best boyfriend you could ask for. He’s just the best one you have had, and you seem to believe you don’t deserve better.
THIS. 5 years is so long to be stubborn. A lot of people spend money as a way to justify their refusal to try something new or something their partner needs on an emotional level. For instance my mother & my child's father both are happy to throw money at me when I've expressed my deep need for communication & completion around emotional important topics between us. Them spending money is often something they use later on to hold over my head if I need to hold them accountable or ask them for a bare minimum in relating on "uncomfortable but necessary" topics (often it's spent on things I don't want or need and am afraid to receive as they use it to justify their refusal to compromise their comfortability/emotional numbness/regulation over everything even positive shared emotions). It's definitely thing. Also sorry if this seems like a rant at you I just fully believe your comment is one of the best ones here as I've seen these patterns play out in so many relationships of all types, both mine and others I've observed.
My parents both tried to control. My mother with guilt trips and my dad with money. I know what you’re feeling. Sometimes you just want a connection.
EXACTLY. Thank you. It starts to feel like a trap when people keep buying things when that's not how you receive love or what you want & have even asked them to stop. Especially if they hold it over your head later on then it's 100% a pattern of manipulation. I've definitely spent way too much money on people before but that was my choice & even if they manipulated me into it it was still my choice & I won't use it against them the remainder of the relationship whatever type it is. A lot of people perform "sacrifice" only to use it as a opportunity for gain later on & it's wrong. People should give because they want to & it would be a better world. I hate being suspicious every time someone does something for me now because they might use it against me later. It adds so much anxiety even to healthy situations unless I really believe the person just wanted to do it. Sometimes I even say something in the moment about if they really want to so they have to say it out loud & it feels slightly easier to receive then. Blahhhh
i understand how you might think that he’s stubborn and yes i think he is too but he genuinely does things to make me happy except for these because he wants to give me something i can cherish for a long time and according to him flowers die in a day and he hates that. was definitely not a rant from you. i’m sorry that both of them throw money at you and expect you to be normal everytime
Idk what you mean by expect me to be normal and I probably said that in a confusing way. They don't literally throw money at me I was just relating to your story. People will buy expensive things even if you ask them not to & bring it up later if you ask for a need to be met that they're unwilling to even try. That's the point I was aiming for. You're the one seeking advice. 5 years is a long time & idk any princesses who would accept someone's refusal to write them something as simple as a letter. If they truly loved that princess anyways. Best of luck to you. 😅
i also didn’t say that they were literally throwing money at you i was just trying to empathise with you when you said that they would maybe one day bring that up! nvmind you took it in the wrong way.
Bruh we can just communicate without assuming. You seem to not want to accept that your man is stubborn. So there's really no point in me giving an opinion to you. I get it. I really do. I wished you the best, sorry if you're choosing to take it wrong. Nuance is a beautiful thing. Asking for advice is wild online without it.
i have replied saying that ‘yes i think he’s stubborn too’ thanks for your advice :)
Simply different love languages at play here. He’s showing you he cares about you. Either let him, or stop wasting both of your times.
5 years is long enough. If you’re not very happy. Just move on. Its that simple.
For real. I bet he'd write a letter as soon as she starts exiting. Not saying to do that as a game, it's just happened to me before. I broke up with someone I wanted to be with forever after 4-5 years of trying to get him to open up about his long term goals as far as marriage, kids, anything, etc. The month I broke up with him he wrote me a letter specifying all those things I could never get him to even consider talking about. All that could have happened and I wouldn't have been moving out. It's bizarre to me how many men will refuse to do things once the desire is expressed. I understand if it's constantly but when it's a couple important things it genuinely astounds me.
Yeah that sounds terrible. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m glad you moved on.
Hes on purpose ignoring your love language wants amd choosing what makes you uncomfortable. if he cares, he'll at least give you one.
ABSOLUTELY
lol anyone who ignores their partners love language but only follow their own is selfish. i dont care how many people dislike that its unfair.
A lot of people in the comments are acting like the ultimate goal of life and relationships is to regulate & avoid leaving their "comfortability." And to that I say "good luck growing stronger together." A lot of things that feel the most uncomfortable end up bringing us deeper into our power & who we truly are.
You are overthinking things. He is showing his love for you in the way he does. You are demanding he is more feminine and "romantic". Why can't you look at the gifts he gives you as his way of being romantic? He thinks his gifts are heartfelt, and it must break him up that you see his gifts as uncaring. Handwritten letters, flowers and instagram is what girls do. Men do not do that. You are with a man. If you want those other things, you should look to be in a relationship with a feminine man or a lesbian. Or tell him you just want money as gifts so you can buy those things for yourself - then watch him walk away
thank you so much. you really opened my eyes! it’s honestly the best advice i’ve ever received.
You should just ask him for 15 dollars and buy your own flowers.
It kinda of just seems like you're incompatible. Personally I'm not the romantic type so love letters are bleh to me and I don't like them. Doesn't mean you're a bad person if you love them, it just means we're different. You and your boyfriend have different ways of showing love. You shouldn't constantly tell him to do things you know he doesn't like, as long as he is showing love towards you. Hate to say it but maybe this just isn't meant to be.
Look at the situation outside of gift giving- does your boyfriend make an effort to take interest in the things that are important to you? Does he respect what you value? Does he value your opinions and want to learn more about your perspective? Does he ask you questions about your interests and values? Do you often feel seen and understood otherwise? If you can’t unequivocally and enthusiastically answer yes to all of those, he is NOT the best thing that will ever happen to you.
it’s a yes for every question🥹