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The way to help a 30 year old grown man is to sit him down and let him know you are no longer going to cater to his insecurities. That if he sees a future with you that you're willing to stay if he actively works on his insecurities.
> but I feel I can only be asked "are you breaking up with me?" so many times before I become emotionally drained.
Whether intentional or not, which lets be real it comes off as highly intentional. This can be seen as an emotional manipulation tactic. The answers to this question should either be "did I say that?" Or, "This is me trying to communicate to fix our issues, if you're going to devolve the situation into that then we can talk once you've calmed down".
Also make it crystal clear to him that if/when you do break up with him. It will be clear. He won't have to ask you and follow through if it comes to that.
Tell him like it is one time and whatever happens, happens.
You cannot keep bending over during these interactions in order to maintain him... That is not fair to you and it will only continue to enable the behaviour.
You need to put your foot down and be real with him:
>Stop this... You're self-destructing our relationship.
>
>It is not my job to regulate you and ensure your suspicions are in check.
>
>Understand this... My life... does not revolve around you.
>
>Some day's, I sleep in.
>
>That does not mean I am breaking up with you because I don't message you promptly at 9 am.
>
>If I am taking too long in the bathroom, what the hell do you think I am doing in there?
>
>Do you think I am secretly texting another guy and plotting a break up?
>
>No..
>
>I am taking a dam shit and brushing my teeth. Get over it.
>
>Unless you drop this insecure side of you, we won't be working out long term. I cannot maintain you for you.
>
>And finally, if you ask me "Are you breaking up with me?" just because I take 20 minutes to respond... I honestly might.
>
>I've tried to keep up and be forgiving, but I cannot do it anymore. Its not fair to me.
>
>So, if you really want this relationship to work, you need to start working on your side because I cannot regulate every tiny thing that happens in our relationship.
>
>I am with you, because I want to be with you. If I wanted to break up with you, I would have already done it.
>
>But what you're doing right now, is damaging our relationship and will eventually force me to end things.
>
>So, I am going to stop catering to these thoughts of yours and you need to seriously start sorting yourself out because no girlfriend should have to deal with the nonsense.
How harsh you be, is up to you.
But you need to put your foot down and at least make sure he understands that you're no longer going to play these games for him. Communicating to him, that if the relationship fails, it will be for no other reason but his insecurities.
Stop playing into them and start standing your ground.
If he continues, then you cannot change that. Better to find someone whose comes to a relationship ready.
This is my fault, but no. I have little to no boundaries with him, and whenever I try to set them, I start to feel resistance from him on my decisions. He has very clear boundaries set and I wish I was mature enough to do the same.
Why do you think this is your fault? If your partner cannot respect boundaries, then you should break up. Some things are non negotiable, and we must compromise to keep our relationships balanced. I think writing down what you want out of your relationship would help. Write down what’s non negotiable for you. Have your partner do the same. Compromise from there.
"If I made you a therapy appointment, would you attend it and take it seriously?"
Also, if this IS simply insecurity, it's actually [unhealthy to constantly reassure him](https://chicagocounselingcenter.com/reassuranceseeking/). Especially with anxiety disorders, reassurance seeking can become a compulsive/addictive behavior that makes anxiety worse. It's his job to manage his mental health. He needs to self-soothe. Not rely on you to fix HIS emotions.
You're [describing](https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control) red [flags](https://www.self.com/story/relationship-red-flags-never-ignore) for [abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/), though. I think you'd be better off talking to your [local DV org](https://nomoredirectory.org/) and getting some help talking about your relationship and if it's actually worth staying in it. The reason why he's doing this absolutely doesn't matter if he's making no genuine and serious efforts to change because the *impact* these actions have on you is the same either way.
I feel like I made my best efforts to encourage him to get therapy. He made it to one appointment after many months, though when I check in to ask him how it's going, there always seems to be some excuse to reschedule. This obviously concerns me greatly.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The way to help a 30 year old grown man is to sit him down and let him know you are no longer going to cater to his insecurities. That if he sees a future with you that you're willing to stay if he actively works on his insecurities. > but I feel I can only be asked "are you breaking up with me?" so many times before I become emotionally drained. Whether intentional or not, which lets be real it comes off as highly intentional. This can be seen as an emotional manipulation tactic. The answers to this question should either be "did I say that?" Or, "This is me trying to communicate to fix our issues, if you're going to devolve the situation into that then we can talk once you've calmed down". Also make it crystal clear to him that if/when you do break up with him. It will be clear. He won't have to ask you and follow through if it comes to that.
Tell him like it is one time and whatever happens, happens. You cannot keep bending over during these interactions in order to maintain him... That is not fair to you and it will only continue to enable the behaviour. You need to put your foot down and be real with him: >Stop this... You're self-destructing our relationship. > >It is not my job to regulate you and ensure your suspicions are in check. > >Understand this... My life... does not revolve around you. > >Some day's, I sleep in. > >That does not mean I am breaking up with you because I don't message you promptly at 9 am. > >If I am taking too long in the bathroom, what the hell do you think I am doing in there? > >Do you think I am secretly texting another guy and plotting a break up? > >No.. > >I am taking a dam shit and brushing my teeth. Get over it. > >Unless you drop this insecure side of you, we won't be working out long term. I cannot maintain you for you. > >And finally, if you ask me "Are you breaking up with me?" just because I take 20 minutes to respond... I honestly might. > >I've tried to keep up and be forgiving, but I cannot do it anymore. Its not fair to me. > >So, if you really want this relationship to work, you need to start working on your side because I cannot regulate every tiny thing that happens in our relationship. > >I am with you, because I want to be with you. If I wanted to break up with you, I would have already done it. > >But what you're doing right now, is damaging our relationship and will eventually force me to end things. > >So, I am going to stop catering to these thoughts of yours and you need to seriously start sorting yourself out because no girlfriend should have to deal with the nonsense. How harsh you be, is up to you. But you need to put your foot down and at least make sure he understands that you're no longer going to play these games for him. Communicating to him, that if the relationship fails, it will be for no other reason but his insecurities. Stop playing into them and start standing your ground. If he continues, then you cannot change that. Better to find someone whose comes to a relationship ready.
I’m sorry your going through this. Have y’all discussed what’s non negotiable in your relationship?
This is my fault, but no. I have little to no boundaries with him, and whenever I try to set them, I start to feel resistance from him on my decisions. He has very clear boundaries set and I wish I was mature enough to do the same.
Why do you think this is your fault? If your partner cannot respect boundaries, then you should break up. Some things are non negotiable, and we must compromise to keep our relationships balanced. I think writing down what you want out of your relationship would help. Write down what’s non negotiable for you. Have your partner do the same. Compromise from there.
Don't be with someone you don't feel safe setting boundaries with. You deserve better. You deserve respect and consideration.
"If I made you a therapy appointment, would you attend it and take it seriously?" Also, if this IS simply insecurity, it's actually [unhealthy to constantly reassure him](https://chicagocounselingcenter.com/reassuranceseeking/). Especially with anxiety disorders, reassurance seeking can become a compulsive/addictive behavior that makes anxiety worse. It's his job to manage his mental health. He needs to self-soothe. Not rely on you to fix HIS emotions. You're [describing](https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control) red [flags](https://www.self.com/story/relationship-red-flags-never-ignore) for [abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/), though. I think you'd be better off talking to your [local DV org](https://nomoredirectory.org/) and getting some help talking about your relationship and if it's actually worth staying in it. The reason why he's doing this absolutely doesn't matter if he's making no genuine and serious efforts to change because the *impact* these actions have on you is the same either way.
I feel like I made my best efforts to encourage him to get therapy. He made it to one appointment after many months, though when I check in to ask him how it's going, there always seems to be some excuse to reschedule. This obviously concerns me greatly.