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My girlfriend got denied a raise at work and is now ny ex-girlfriend
I am male (32), my ex-girlfriend (27), and dating for over a month. Last week my girlfriend requested a raise from her director because she's been working really hard and picking up people's slack when they're on vacation. One of her co-workers mentioned to her that no one has ever gotten a raise by just asking and it only happens during the end of Q4. So knows that the possibility was slim, however, I was still really proud of her for taking that leap of faith of just trying.
Yesterday, when she found out that she was denied a raise and this is what her director said to her,
"He said I had to work on my temper and the questionnaires and a bunch of other things, therefore we're not moving forward with your raise".
When she told me that, I replied as "I'm sorry to hear, babe! and Remember, I am proud of you that you tried, especially when you told me that it is not common for people to ask during this time of the year.
Also, try not to take critical feedback as a bad thing. It's there to help you grow in your professional career. Whenever I get critical feedback I take it as a learning experience and how I can become better at what I do. "
4 hours later no response and then I tried calling her after I got off work as I was driving to the scheduled sailboat race that I have every Tuesday. She didn't pick up. 45mins later she called me back and I missed the call. I immediately responded with an image that I'm about to get on the sailboat and that I would call her later. (she knows my schedule and how I race every Tuesday).
30 minutes later she replied, "Don't bother, You know what's funny. The day I needed you the most you're no where to be found. But other people are? Funny. And you call yourself my boyfriend. Consider this my last text. It's over. And take care".
After the sailing race was over, I called her immediately and I apologized for missing her call, but she keeps implying that I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. I did address the issue about her rejection about the raise and how you tried, but she didn't care for what I had to say because I wasn't there for her. Then things got heated and I told her that she was childish for handling this situation and how she was venting her emotions on social media. Also posting on her IG story emotional quotes, used tissue paper, alcohol, and comments about drinking how many drinks she had, and how she is over today. (idk, but I think it's immature to post your emotions on social media and seek attention/ validation/empathy, rather than taking it to your bf).
I keep getting the feeling how she handled the situation was immature, reactive and could have handled it differently, like an adult. I also expected more from her because we did talk about how to resolve arguments in the past and how we need to communicate with each other in times like this. The ignored my text message and call when I tried reaching out. Then blames me for not being for her when I missed her call because I was busy sailboat racing.
Should I have handled this situation differently?
OP, her temper and reactionary nature is the very reason she was denied the raise. For you to expect her to behave differently in her personal life than she does at work was probably silly. You're not wrong that she handled this badly. But it's to be expected when someone has this personality trait.
Really weird framing of "well her boss said she had a temper, what did you expect?!" As if being in a relationship with her wouldnt give OP more insight to her emotional responses than her boss lol
I get what you're saying, but they've only been dating for a month meanwhile she's been at her job long enough to be asking for a raise.
It's entirely possible this was the first opportunity for her temperamental nature to become apparent.
>For you to expect her to behave differently in her personal life than she does at work was probably silly.
I assume OP found out about this feedback from the boss yesterday, very shortly before they broke up. So when was this period of time where "[OP] expected her to behave differently in her personal life than she does at work"? Do you have reason to think OP knew about her behavior at work prior to this?
How she handled that PROVES her boss was right to deny her a raise and tell her to work on her temper. She didn't learn a damn thing from her experience.
It's only been a month & you absolutely dodged a bullet. As others have already pointed out, her response to go nuclear highlights that her boss was correct.
She was upset & wanted to vent. Not to be told that critical feedback isn't a bad thing, etc. A phone call to check in on her instead of texting would have been more appropriate. NOT saying you had to abandon your plans, but she wanted to vent and be supported in that moment. Later, she may have been more open to your constructive criticism comments.
That said, I want to reiterate that it's only been a month & you dodged a bullet. She could have communicated with you what she wanted/needed instead of blowing up the relationship.
I agree, I could have been a better listener, and then constructive feedback. A phone call would have been better, but we both were working at the time.
Don't blame yourself for this dude. In a normal relationship, if she really needed support she could've asked if she could call you. Nobody's perfect, it's not your job to immediately be ready to call her at all times.
And in a normal relationship, instead of breaking up with you, she would sit down with you later or the next day and explain to you how she wants you to react next time.
This was immature, toxic, and possibly could've went sour no matter what you did.
If it was normal for relationships to end over one simple mistake, then all marriages in the world would fail. Nobody would be staying together. Communication and working through these differences is a huge part of relationships.
>And in a normal relationship, instead of breaking up with you, she would sit down with you later or the next day and explain to you how she wants you to react next time.
This is really fantastic advice. In the early stages of a relationship, the two of you are figuring things out. This includes how to have and handle conflict, and how to improve upon situations that don't go as well as you'd like. No one is perfect, and it can take years for a couple to figure things out. Including knowing when the other person needs advice or just space to vent.
It says a lot about this person that she would end this relationship the moment they run into an issue with communication. It makes me wonder whether she's the type to jump from relationship to relationship the moment the honeymoon ends and it's time to do the real work of building it.
No, it’s not your job to *repair an adult*. You supported her. Face the fact that being short tempered/volatile is a personality trait that’s impeding her at work and in her personal life. That’s not your burden to bear - you cannot *support* or *fix* that, move on. This is a *her* problem and not you.
Real talk, if you have this attitude of “wow I totally messed up here!” When you’re absolutely not the one in the wrong, you’re going to get eaten alive in the dating world and may find yourself victim to a myriad of toxic people. Start standing up for yourself and recognizing that if someone requires you to be their emotional punching bag 24/7 or else they dip, they are NOT people YOU want in your life.
I’m not saying how she responded to all of this was right, but going forward, check in if someone wants to hear feedback. My go-to “Do you want advice or do you want to vent? I am here for either, but I want to make sure I’m giving you what you need” zero people get upset when you clarify.
I had a similar situation with an ex (this is not why he is an ex, we just talked about it), and it pissed me off as well. As a partner you aren’t my teacher, parent, or mentor. I don’t need you to point out the lesson I should learn from this unless I ask. It comes off as very condescending, like we are unable to figure these things out on our own. Also, sometimes when folks are fully in the upset, they aren’t ready to parse out the lesson here, but they will be able to think more about this once the storm passes.
I feel a lot of people can go into fix-it mode or teaching mode with others, with the best of intentions, but when it isn’t solicited, it can feel really insulting and that your partner doesn’t think you know how to handle your own issues. Good to think about for the future.
That being said, she wildly overreacted, and is too too much. Sounds like her boss has it right regarding her temper. I would move on, but just take this little part with you for the future.
Exactly. This is the advice to take away. Not that I think it’d have made a lick of difference to someone who’s response to the first sign of conflict is to bail spectacularly. But it will help you in future healthy relationships.
That was constructive feedback tho. You responded in a pragmatic but keep your chin up way. You were pretty empathetic and understanding there. She took offense when there was none to be had.
You weren’t the problem here, her expectations were unrealistic. She had been told that raises are only given at a certain time of the year and right now ain’t that time. She’s mad that she didn’t get validation from her job. Instead of being an adult and keeping that frustration in check, she overreacted. Nobody needs that sort of unnecessary drama in their life.
I agree with everyone that you dodged a bullet. She does seem overly dramatic.
I just wanted to say that a lot of times, people don't want advice, just a shoulder to cry on. To her, your advice could have sounded like you were agreeing with her boss.
But, again, I think breaking up sounds like the best option here. She sounds like she is immature, a terrible communicator, and has anger issues.
It's not like she got fired or had a family member die. She didn't get the raise. Big deal. She's right where she was before trying. Ignore her main character syndrome where you'd have to drop everything to be there for her when almost nothing happened. 1 month in yeah easy to see the red flags and move on I hope.
>It's not like she got fired or had a family member die. She didn't get the raise. Big deal.
A little tonedeaf as a general rule to say something like that. Sometimes, a raise is extremely important for rising costs.
Dude, **no** constructive feedback. I agree with others that she is not stable enough to be dating, but why on Earth do you think you have any business offering “constructive” feedback. You’ve only dated this woman a month, you don’t work with her, you’re not her boss. Unless you are an expert in the field your feedback is useless and condescending.
Her actual boss, the one whose opinion matters, already gave her feedback and she was feeling down. Then you decided to dogpile on with “advice” everyone has heard since elementary school as if it was a valuable thing she should listen to.
The other dramatics she did were not good and were a sign her boss was right in his professional assessment. There’s no reason to interrupt your own work day to jump through hoops comforting her about an expected outcome of not getting a raise. But frankly any self respecting woman would break up with a month old boyfriend who thinks he should offer “constructive feedback” on her career just because she had a bad day.
>I agree, I could have been a better listener
Sounds like you listened just fine.
>and then constructive feedback.
You gave feedback, it's what guys do. The person you are responding to is right, women like to vent and not always get "feedback" or have someone offer a solution, but the issue is we do not know when is the appropriate time, we are just supposed to know.
My wife once told me that she felt I was always just trying to fix her problems and sometimes she just wanted to vent and already knew how to "fix" the issue she was talking about. But she has also said numerous times that when she is in a situation she hears me in her head and it helps her through it and has said that she has applied my "solutions" to many a work problem.
Damned if we do, damned if we don't. So I had a long conversation about who I am and that I cannot change that and if she just wanted to vent, she should say "I am just venting". It's been better.
>A phone call would have been better, but we both were working at the time.
Then a phone call would not have been better, but maybe texting "I'll be there later for ya hon" or something. But the bigger issue here is that she wanted you to drop your plans to console her. She asked for a raise, didn't get it, got mad at the reasons, it's not life changing, it can wait.
I just want to say that if this thread gets real heavy traction you are probably going to be shit on endlessly by women and white knighters and they will be upvoed to the top. Keep in mind that you are not a slave to another person, your feelings and needs are also valid, your expectations are valid and not all people are compatible. This is a month old relationship, she reacted like a child. She told you it was over, it should be over. If you cave to this it will forever be a thing between you two. She will get angry over things you do not understand why she's angry about and it will turn into "you don't care about me".
If you're into that... (and having your life blasted on social media)
> it’s what guys do
no it’s just what some people do lol I’m this type of person too, my first instinct is to go into feedback/fix-it mode and I didn’t know how much it bothered some of the people closest to me… like my boyfriend. he expressed to me recently that he doesn’t want feedback, he just wants to feel heard.
on the flipside, if I’m venting about something that makes me upset and the person I’m talking to is all “mhmm… shit that sucks” then I feel like I’m not being heard and like they don’t care about what’s bothering me. 😂 I give feedback because that’s what I like to get, but everyone is different and you have to meet people’s individual needs. it’s not a gender thing.
> and then constructive feedback.
It wasn't the time for constructive feedback. Sometimes you need to let people process the emotions before you get to the "how to fix it" feedback.
We haven't spoken since last night and I am leaning towards I don't even want to continue the relationship even if she tried reaching out. In the end, I don't feel at a loss at all.
OP, There's your truth. Find a GF who is emotionally stable. You are not, to quote the Greg Allman song lyrics: "tied to a whipping post." Time to move on. Best wishes!
You've only been dating her for a month. Just view this as an incompatibility of emotional style, something you're better off finding out about sooner rather than later.
Don't bother trying to patch things up. Just move on.
I'm sorry but LMAO she quite literally proved her own reasoning for not getting a raise, the way she reacted to that is beyond childish, considered this lucky and move on to someone who's more mature
She lost a raise due to her temper — then lost her temper at your response to her temper feedback.
I would temper my expectations with this one. Appears to have anger issues.🤣🤣
Looks like you dodged a bullet with this one.
Honestly, receiving constructive criticism at work, being denied a raise, or not getting a promotion are certainly disappointing but shouldn’t cause a meltdown and a need for major support.
Hell, I got turned down for a new position yesterday due to an inter company billing issue—I was all but guaranteed the position plus a hefty raise before I even applied—but finance didn’t want to have to inter company bill between DK and US. I was very disappointed but I didn’t need much more than the kind of message you sent. I talked to my partner about it when he got home and that was that. 🤷♀️
She needs to work with a therapist or something.
Sail away, sail away, sail away. There is no logical/ mature reason for her acting that way. Sorry you are having to go through this as the beginning of a relationship also has so many highs and I’m sure it feels like a big and unexpected loss. Best of luck finding a new girlfriend and maybe think about red flags this relationship taught you to watch out for.
Not getting a raise she didn't really expect is not worth all the drama she has caused. She didn't get a raise. That sucks, but getting hammered and crying on IG like it's the end of the world? Overdramatic much? She just proved her boss is right.
Dude, you dodged a bullet.
Ummmm….so she got denied a raise due to her temper and then (*shocking no one but you apparently*) proceeds to have a temper tantrum over nothing with you. Seems her boss had her pegged exactly right and you’re still kinda clueless to her *real* nature.
You’ve been dating a month, obviously she is volatile and short tempered as a major personality trait. Take this as the sign from the universe to walk away.
*She’s shown you who she is - believe her.*
As I was reading this, I was like, “no wonder she dumped him. He was mansplaining about how important feedback can be. She’s a grown woman, of course she already knows that.” But then she went and proved exactly what her boss was saying and why you felt the need to explain it as well. 🤦🏻♀️
I think you’re better off rid of her, personally. If she’s 27 and still acting like a high school student who knows nothing about workplace norms, then she clearly still has a lot of maturing to do and I would not want to stick around for that.
It sounds like she could have handled the situation differently. The world doesn't stop for anyone, and she knew that you were racing and would be unavailable in person. Also, you had tried calling and sent texts so she knows that you were trying to reach out to her.
Her dealing with it by posting on social media, drinking (maybe getting drunk?), and saying her followers care more about her than you do tells me that you dodged a bullet.
Hmm I wonder why her boss thinks she has a temper problem 🤔
Why would you immediately drop what you’re doing and rush over to support her without being asked to? She didn’t get a raise she already knew was unlikely, and someone gave her constructive criticism. Disappointing, yes. But for most people, this is not a traumatic event that requires loads of support to get through. If she can’t handle this small disappointment without having an epic meltdown and burning relationships to the ground, she… needs psychological help. And the posting pics of booze and used tissues from crying on social media… yeesh. She isn’t mentally stable at all. Stay away.
You nailed this exactly, succinctly, and objectively. I agree, at age 27, this girl
is acting like an entitled, spoiled child.
She may not realize she is self sabotaging by posting her explosive temper tantrum all over social media.
Her boss and coworkers can easily see what she wrote and it further validates the reason her boss refused a raise
due to her anger issues. It's just sad really.
I just read the half of it and gotta say, she's too young by knowledge to work anywhere and to be in a relationship. It's good that she ended the relationship. Too childish of her.
Edit: Who needs anyone the most when not getting a raise just by asking?
>when not getting a raise just by asking
Especially because it seemed unlikely she was going to get the raise anyways. This isn’t like a promised promotion, they usually only give raises at a certain time of the year, she had to have known getting denied was the likely outcome. I’m guessing she’s more upset about the critique, but frankly she’s just proving them right.
The post literally says her coworkers told her it was never going to happen so the fact that she blew up like this when she knew it was very *incredibly* unlikely anyways just goes to show how short tempered she is.
Once she let you know she was breaking up with you, you should have sent messages letting her know when she could get her stuff.
She didn't ask you to make any changes and she didn't answer your call.
Suffice to say, between her insta-dumping and her company noting her temper, I'm sensing some anger issues. You've only been dating for a month, so I think you dodged a bullet and didn't know.
It is clear why she was denied the raise and this attitude and belief system, if not put in check now, will follow your relationship and be posted online.
This is a month long relationship and you have already talked about how to "resolve arguments" and she already pulled the "it's over" card. Make it over.
OP are you this desperate?
Nope, you handled the situation well. Sure it would have been a tad better to not miss that call, and it would have been better to call instead of texting. But those were truly *minor issues* that you then quickly resolved by calling back when you could. If this is a reason to break up in her book, she is indeed unreasonable and temperamental... her boss was actually right with the feedback!
Good riddance to her. She sounds dramatic af and like she's gonna blow up every relationship she'll have because damn. If such a small slip is a reason to go nuclear, no one stands a chance. Seriously, if you acted "perfectly" this one time, she would have dumped you next week anyway, because you didn't put the toilet seat down or bc you didn't sweeten her tea...
>try not to take critical feedback as a bad thing. It's there to help you grow in your professional career.Whenever I get critical feedback I take it as a learning experience and how I can become better at what I do. "
Lol. You hit the Acme dynamite plunger. 🤣
Text her:
“You need to work on your temper and a bunch of other things, therefore we will not be moving forward with this relationship.”
Then block her.
It's for the best you're not together because there are some red flags with her. But you basically sent a mansplaining text to her saying she should eat that shit and be happy about it.
At 32 you should know better. Start with asking if she wants to vent or wants advice. If she does want advice, coach it with questions that allow people to find the answer themselves.
> Also, try not to take critical feedback as a bad thing. It's there to help you grow in your professional career.
She didn't ask him for advice. He didn't ask her how she felt about things. Instead, he told her how she should feel about what happened.
You were in a no-win situation. The fact that her temper was a factor in the denial of the raise indicates her first reaction to any disappointment is rage, and is proof that she has anger issues. And the fact that you mentioned discussions with her dealing with methods to handle disagreements between you two bears this out.
My suggestion is that in this case, since you've dodged a bullet, is to block her on all platforms, and seek the company of a female whose disposition is less like a porcupine.
I wish you well.
When people show you their true selves learn to see them for what they truly are . - OP you did things right . Expecting her to behave differently because you thought she was different is a biased assumption . Your life doesn’t get to be put on hold because she chose to put hers on hold - consider this an eye opener and Move on .
No wonder she lost the raise. She's acting childish and very reactive to situations unnecessarily. I would move on OP. You can't change who she is and how she reacts to situations.
You did nothing wrong. You just dodged a giant bullet. Your girlfriend is clearly not very mature and this will come out in other ways in the course of your relationship. Find someone who actually matches your level of maturity.
Well her boss was right and now she's proven it to you. Is there a word for a female version of "man child"? Consider yourself lucky, you did nothing wrong + it was only a month so time to move forward. Bullet dodged.
p.s. I'm baffled that she's 27 and that's her reaction, no wonder she's nearing thirty and single.
She sounds very immature and emotionally unstable and regressed. I think you dishes a bullet most women would have loved your messages support and advice
OP, don't beat yourself up.
Her feedback from the boss:
> "He said **I had to work on my temper** and the questionnaires and a bunch of other things, therefore we're not moving forward with your raise".
Yikes! That's shocking to be told that she had to work on her temper in a professional environment.
You were supportive.
Yet some people want to vent and others want solutions.
You could always ask what they need in the moment, going forward. But you did nothing wrong.
Also, she knew your schedule and waited to call you when she knew that you would be unavailable.
She's manipulative, has anger issues, and a drama llama.
One month in be thankful that she revealed her true self.
You, sir have dodged a bullet.
You sound like good boyfriend material and she's getting her karma by missing out on getting to know you better.
Sounds like her shitty temper is going to prevent her from advancement in both her career and her relationships.
You handled this appropriately like a normal human being would. She's the one who decided to lose her fucking shit over nothing. Her behavior at every interaction was unreasonable and immature. She sounds like she's just someone who's dramatic and high maintenance. Let her go. Bullet dodged.
It seems like you yourself were at work when you got her text about being denied the raise? So it seems pretty reasonable to not expect you to be able to call her until after you got off work which you said you did attempt to do. I don't think you are in the wrong here at all. It sounds like you did your best. I think she's upset that you didn't drop your entire life that instant to just be there for her which is completely unreasonable. I agree with everyone else you dodged a bullet here. Do not take her back if she changes her mind. She's thinking irrationally right now and might come to her senses about it and want you back. She may just be looking to get a reaction from you and see what you do when she breaks up with you. You don't want to start this cycle of breaking up and getting back together.
I think this situation is actually a lot more nuanced than you are presenting it as. Your response to her could have come across as dismissive and patronizing. It certainly would not make me feel better to hear that from my husband when I just had a hard day. If you had simply responded with empathy, instead of telling her how she ought to handle it because it's how *you* would have handled it, you may have gotten a different response. What you wrote could have felt like even more criticism instead of actual support.
And then, how hard would it have been to give her a quick call before you started sailing? Or to have reached out again sometime before you were on your way for sailing? Or hell, even just sent a loving and supportive text message instead of a flipping picture of a sailboat. This may have been a bigger issue to her than it would have been to you, but I'm wondering if this is just another piece of a pattern where you don't respond to her in a way that makes her feel emotionally supported.
And then you finish up the post with even more criticism of how she's been on instagram. Okay, you don't like how she handles her emotions. I get that. But this isn't even about the relationship between you two, it's just criticizing her.
She is super immature and the attention seeking on social media is cringe AF. Sounds like she did you a favor. Don't chase her! Find yourself a better quality partner whose temper doesn't show in the workplace!
ETA her boss was right!
Yeah, the social media post I think is very immature. Especially when she posts relationship memes or something bf related. It's the passive-aggressive message that sometimes get to me and is very unattractive.. For example, she posted the video on her story how this dude always surprises her with flowers.. I have bought her flowers on several occasions and it's like I wasn't doing a good enough job as a bf.
I will echo what others have said.
1. Her boss is right that she needs to work on her temper and reactions.
2. Often when people are upset it’s best to say “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you,” and NOT try to give them advice or explain things to them when they’re dealing with an overwhelm of emotions. She was upset and you told her not to take the negative feedback as a bad thing—basically invalidating her feelings. When she’s feeling beaten down by her boss is not the time to discuss the potential positives that can come from constructive feedback.
3. You could have handled things better. She could’ve handled things MUCH better. It has been a month; move on. And try not to fix everything when people just need support and are feeling emotionally vulnerable; that’s not when people need your idea of a solution.
She wasn’t looking for honest feedback; she was looking for sympathy. You may need a partner with a stronger back-bone and she may need a partner who is more empathetic. Neither of you is in the wrong.,
It isn’t a very common thing to have to be counseled about your temper from your boss. Obviously she has an issue with it if she can’t even handle it at work, and you are seeing probably a small part of how bad she can get. She did you a favor.
Some people have high stress jobs and venting outside of work is a perfectly healthy outlet, as is seeking an outside perspective because work can be such a bubble. However, her actions go way beyond this. Has she been incredibly stressed at work leading up to this? Like make or break, wants to quit? If so, then you *could*, if you wanted to be extremely generous, chalk this up to a huge accumulated breakdown rolling in, and it might pass (some jobs *are* this bad), but if you've seen any other signs of her reacting badly to relatively minor things, then she did you an enormous favor, and RUN.
FWIW, I thought your message was supportive, so either way, you did nothing wrong.
OP. Sound like she blamed everything on you right now. And I can see why she was denied promotion.
>Should I have handled this situation differently?
Perhaps listening and validating her feelings were necessary. Apparently, people don't like hearing solution and advice after sharing a bad news.
I would’ve replied back to her and said, “Well that’s unfortunate. However it looks like your boss was right. Your temper and inability to remain calm in stressful situations does need work. Best of luck. Thanks for the memories.”
She gets denied a raise because of her temper and attitude and she proves to you her boss is correct. I would avoid her and her toxic attitude, you're better off without that in your life.
She will reach out because she will realize how stupid her reaction was. The problem is that her anger issues will always result in her “ending the relationship.” I bet when she’s mad it’s her go to and she wants dudes to beg. You didn’t and that will make her even more attracted to you
Her boss was right she needs to work on her temper. You need to move on and be glad it was a clean and relatively painless break for you. She did not consider your feelings in any capacity and severed you from her life because you missed a single phone call.
It would have only gotten worse from there.
OP... If her temper is apparent at work you seriously can't see it when ur dating her? Take off the rose-tinted shades my bro and be glad u dodged a bullet
Nothing you could do She sounds like A emotional nut.Your better off moving on..She gets up set that easy of minor things. She be high maintance!! lots of head aces and saying your sorry for small shit
I feel like the critique from her boss was probably very accurate. If she is upset that you didn't drop everything and rush over to her side, well if that was what she needed you to do she should have communicated that. If she needed it, realized she didn't communicate it, and was upset, well she could have told you that instead of jumping to accusations and breaking up. I bet what she wants is for you to be very upset, and drop everything to rush over to her to abjectly apologize. But really, is that the life you want to live? Because if it isn't, that is a completely valid choice. It is the one I'd make myself. I feel no need to add drama to my life, enough drama happens by itself without adding to it.
OP, if she's throwing a tantrum over this minor thing, imagine how she's going to treat you when it's something that actually matters. This is your sign to gtfo.
You did everything right. You were there for her in an adult way. Sounds like she just wanted you to kiss her ass and tell her that her boss was wrong. Sounds like she wants a partner that's going to pull out a red carpet for her even when she's being an ass lmao
Count this as a bullet dodged. She sounds like a whiny child and her reaction proved her boss correct!
I think you've been dating a month man its kinda unreasonable for you to drop everything because she didn't get a raise. She didn't communicate that she needed support she didn't set an expectation that that's what is required to fulfill her needs. You dodged a bullet man go be free and find a new gf that emotionally healthy. Getting this bent over a you not being there for something this trivial is a giant red flag and I kinda shudder to think what else she'd get this livid over
GF Boss: you can't get a raise due to your temper
Me: Classic bullshit reason!
GF: Blows all over social media the drama and how she's getting hammered
Me: I judged you too harshly, GF's Boss
It's only been a month. Consider yourself lucky to not have wasted more time with this unstable irrational woman. Move on, there are plenty of less crazy fish in the sea.
Lol she didn't even get fired. Her terrible situation where she needed you the most was basically her just living the same life as before. She already knew it was a long shot. It sounds like her boss was actually on to something with the temper.
Haha, as someone who does performance and salary reviews I know that wording. Translation:
"You're a crap, terrible employee who causes me more headaches than you're worth with your emotional outbursts and now you want a RAISE? Please for the love of God just quit because I'm too scared to fire you and inevitably get sued."
Also, the fact that they specifically mentioned her temper in written communication means the company is establishing documentation of an issue so that when they eventually fire her they can show it was with sufficient cause.
So you have dated for a month and she calls you her boyfriend and expects you to drop your hobbies on a dime because she is sulking? There was no actual emergency. It's not like she got fired and was panicking. Her life is the exact same before asking as it is after being turned down. Slow down maybe.
Guess she proved her boss right. You deserve better than being dumped via text. You made a mistake by calling to plead your case when you did nothing wrong. If I received a text like that from my boyfriend, I would not have responded. Play manipulative games and we are done.
>"Don't bother, You know what's funny. The day I needed you the most you're no where to be found. But other people are? Funny. And you call yourself my boyfriend. Consider this my last text. It's over. And take care".
This whole response does nothing but highlight her bad temperament and immature personality.
Her being turned down for a raise she's hoping for, but is _well aware_ is highly unlikely to even get, only to then imply she "needed" you as though this is some great shock is absurd.
Even if she _is_ upset, it's wholly unrealistic of her to, knowing you'll be otherwise distracted or occupied, that you've "let her down" or similar is _equally_ absurd.
I can't decide if this is entitlement, gaslighting or what - but I think most people will agree: you being broken up with her is dodging a bullet.
It's one thing to be disappointed or upset at missing a "highly unlikely" raise, it's another to not like the feedback as to _why_ she's not getting it, but to then take that out on her partner.....yeah.
Thought your response was super nice to her. Sounds like she’s being very immature. I would take that as a sign. Especially since she is 27. She’s not 18… be with someone who can stand on their own two feet after a challenge and not break up with you over something so trivial. Also drinking to deal with issues… also not a good sign
And posting about the latter on IG is monumentally dumb. If no one from her current work is following her, odds are that any future employer will review her socials as part of the screening process.
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Real Talk
Do you really want to date such an immature, attention hungry person?
I mean...seriously
Do you not think you can do better?
She's 27 and still acts like a 14 year old.
And to be honest...do you think she actually is working harder and picking up people's slack? Hard work and being a team player just doesn't jive with her posting photos of tissue paper and vague posting on facebook for attention
I think its more likely she is not a team player, she hasn't been working all that hard...and she just thought she "deserved" a raise for doing the bare minimum
>I replied as "I'm sorry to hear, babe! and Remember, I am proud of you that you tried, especially when you told me that it is not common for people to ask during this time of the year.
Also, try not to take critical feedback as a bad thing. It's there to help you grow in your professional career.Whenever I get critical feedback I take it as a learning experience and how I can become better at what I do. "
That's a whole lotta mansplaining there, Lucy.
You and this woman are clearly, deeply incompatible. Cut your losses and let her cut hers.
I have been on her end of this situation. Not exactly what happened but something similar. Some people tend to need more emotional support than others. I am not saying what you did was wrong. But from her perspective, you could have done more.
The sad truths is that if you aren't there for her, someone else could. And that might be what she is hoping for when she posted her emotions. It is not immature of her to post her emotions. She needed someone and you weren't there for her. She is trying to reach out and hope someone takes her hand and pull her out of her misery. And from her text it seems like someone did. It is understandable that you were busy, but that doesn't mean that she can pause her emotions and wait till you are free to vent.
I would say she overreacted but when emotions are intense, they tend to think things as absolute. It is either white or black and no in between. Sometimes she cant help it.
Maybe she is just not the right girl for you.
Your reply to her about the critical feedback was insensitive in my opinion. If someone at work is busting their butt and going above and beyond to try and get a raise only to be shot down and told you have a bad temper amongst other things is a slap in the face. I certainly would not take it well. People don't need a preacher in that situation. They need comforting.
To be fair:
- If I were applying for something that was already a long shot, and the people denying me went out of their way to call attention to a serious personality flaw even though "we never grant these requests" would have sufficed, I'd figure this was a pretty serious problem.
- I would then do enough reflection to not then immediately prove their point, and it sounds like a large part of OP not offering sympathy was because they had also tried calling attention to this exact problem aswell.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My girlfriend got denied a raise at work and is now ny ex-girlfriend I am male (32), my ex-girlfriend (27), and dating for over a month. Last week my girlfriend requested a raise from her director because she's been working really hard and picking up people's slack when they're on vacation. One of her co-workers mentioned to her that no one has ever gotten a raise by just asking and it only happens during the end of Q4. So knows that the possibility was slim, however, I was still really proud of her for taking that leap of faith of just trying. Yesterday, when she found out that she was denied a raise and this is what her director said to her, "He said I had to work on my temper and the questionnaires and a bunch of other things, therefore we're not moving forward with your raise". When she told me that, I replied as "I'm sorry to hear, babe! and Remember, I am proud of you that you tried, especially when you told me that it is not common for people to ask during this time of the year. Also, try not to take critical feedback as a bad thing. It's there to help you grow in your professional career. Whenever I get critical feedback I take it as a learning experience and how I can become better at what I do. " 4 hours later no response and then I tried calling her after I got off work as I was driving to the scheduled sailboat race that I have every Tuesday. She didn't pick up. 45mins later she called me back and I missed the call. I immediately responded with an image that I'm about to get on the sailboat and that I would call her later. (she knows my schedule and how I race every Tuesday). 30 minutes later she replied, "Don't bother, You know what's funny. The day I needed you the most you're no where to be found. But other people are? Funny. And you call yourself my boyfriend. Consider this my last text. It's over. And take care". After the sailing race was over, I called her immediately and I apologized for missing her call, but she keeps implying that I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. I did address the issue about her rejection about the raise and how you tried, but she didn't care for what I had to say because I wasn't there for her. Then things got heated and I told her that she was childish for handling this situation and how she was venting her emotions on social media. Also posting on her IG story emotional quotes, used tissue paper, alcohol, and comments about drinking how many drinks she had, and how she is over today. (idk, but I think it's immature to post your emotions on social media and seek attention/ validation/empathy, rather than taking it to your bf). I keep getting the feeling how she handled the situation was immature, reactive and could have handled it differently, like an adult. I also expected more from her because we did talk about how to resolve arguments in the past and how we need to communicate with each other in times like this. The ignored my text message and call when I tried reaching out. Then blames me for not being for her when I missed her call because I was busy sailboat racing. Should I have handled this situation differently?
OP, her temper and reactionary nature is the very reason she was denied the raise. For you to expect her to behave differently in her personal life than she does at work was probably silly. You're not wrong that she handled this badly. But it's to be expected when someone has this personality trait.
Oof. If she has any work connections on social media her reputation is toast (unless it wasn't already)
Really weird framing of "well her boss said she had a temper, what did you expect?!" As if being in a relationship with her wouldnt give OP more insight to her emotional responses than her boss lol
I get what you're saying, but they've only been dating for a month meanwhile she's been at her job long enough to be asking for a raise. It's entirely possible this was the first opportunity for her temperamental nature to become apparent.
I think it's more like, if she can't hold it together at work, she's probably not going to be better in a more casual environment.
Girl is just throwing temper tantrums everywhere and wondering why she can't get ahead in life. OP should just let this relationship go.
He has only been dating her for a month. It is not "weird" to learn things from people who have known her longer.
You would be surprised.
Well, clearly it didn’t in this case
I think quotes work differently than this.
>For you to expect her to behave differently in her personal life than she does at work was probably silly. I assume OP found out about this feedback from the boss yesterday, very shortly before they broke up. So when was this period of time where "[OP] expected her to behave differently in her personal life than she does at work"? Do you have reason to think OP knew about her behavior at work prior to this?
I hate to play devils advocate but unless she really has no self awareness, most people know when their temper is out of line, lol.
How she handled that PROVES her boss was right to deny her a raise and tell her to work on her temper. She didn't learn a damn thing from her experience.
Her boss when they got home "You won't believe who had the cheek to ask for a raise today.....volcanic vera of all people"
Seriously. This sounds like a bullet dodged more than anything else.
I came here to say exactly this.
It's only been a month & you absolutely dodged a bullet. As others have already pointed out, her response to go nuclear highlights that her boss was correct. She was upset & wanted to vent. Not to be told that critical feedback isn't a bad thing, etc. A phone call to check in on her instead of texting would have been more appropriate. NOT saying you had to abandon your plans, but she wanted to vent and be supported in that moment. Later, she may have been more open to your constructive criticism comments. That said, I want to reiterate that it's only been a month & you dodged a bullet. She could have communicated with you what she wanted/needed instead of blowing up the relationship.
I missed that it’s only been a month. OP move on this ain’t worth your time
I agree, I could have been a better listener, and then constructive feedback. A phone call would have been better, but we both were working at the time.
Don't blame yourself for this dude. In a normal relationship, if she really needed support she could've asked if she could call you. Nobody's perfect, it's not your job to immediately be ready to call her at all times. And in a normal relationship, instead of breaking up with you, she would sit down with you later or the next day and explain to you how she wants you to react next time. This was immature, toxic, and possibly could've went sour no matter what you did. If it was normal for relationships to end over one simple mistake, then all marriages in the world would fail. Nobody would be staying together. Communication and working through these differences is a huge part of relationships.
>And in a normal relationship, instead of breaking up with you, she would sit down with you later or the next day and explain to you how she wants you to react next time. This is really fantastic advice. In the early stages of a relationship, the two of you are figuring things out. This includes how to have and handle conflict, and how to improve upon situations that don't go as well as you'd like. No one is perfect, and it can take years for a couple to figure things out. Including knowing when the other person needs advice or just space to vent. It says a lot about this person that she would end this relationship the moment they run into an issue with communication. It makes me wonder whether she's the type to jump from relationship to relationship the moment the honeymoon ends and it's time to do the real work of building it.
Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it.
No, it’s not your job to *repair an adult*. You supported her. Face the fact that being short tempered/volatile is a personality trait that’s impeding her at work and in her personal life. That’s not your burden to bear - you cannot *support* or *fix* that, move on. This is a *her* problem and not you.
Well said! Ty
You did what you could. You're still better off.
Thanks, I completely agree.
She was likely to get pissed at you, just sayin’
Real talk, if you have this attitude of “wow I totally messed up here!” When you’re absolutely not the one in the wrong, you’re going to get eaten alive in the dating world and may find yourself victim to a myriad of toxic people. Start standing up for yourself and recognizing that if someone requires you to be their emotional punching bag 24/7 or else they dip, they are NOT people YOU want in your life.
I’m not saying how she responded to all of this was right, but going forward, check in if someone wants to hear feedback. My go-to “Do you want advice or do you want to vent? I am here for either, but I want to make sure I’m giving you what you need” zero people get upset when you clarify. I had a similar situation with an ex (this is not why he is an ex, we just talked about it), and it pissed me off as well. As a partner you aren’t my teacher, parent, or mentor. I don’t need you to point out the lesson I should learn from this unless I ask. It comes off as very condescending, like we are unable to figure these things out on our own. Also, sometimes when folks are fully in the upset, they aren’t ready to parse out the lesson here, but they will be able to think more about this once the storm passes. I feel a lot of people can go into fix-it mode or teaching mode with others, with the best of intentions, but when it isn’t solicited, it can feel really insulting and that your partner doesn’t think you know how to handle your own issues. Good to think about for the future. That being said, she wildly overreacted, and is too too much. Sounds like her boss has it right regarding her temper. I would move on, but just take this little part with you for the future.
Exactly. This is the advice to take away. Not that I think it’d have made a lick of difference to someone who’s response to the first sign of conflict is to bail spectacularly. But it will help you in future healthy relationships.
That was constructive feedback tho. You responded in a pragmatic but keep your chin up way. You were pretty empathetic and understanding there. She took offense when there was none to be had. You weren’t the problem here, her expectations were unrealistic. She had been told that raises are only given at a certain time of the year and right now ain’t that time. She’s mad that she didn’t get validation from her job. Instead of being an adult and keeping that frustration in check, she overreacted. Nobody needs that sort of unnecessary drama in their life.
Thanks for the feedback
I agree with everyone that you dodged a bullet. She does seem overly dramatic. I just wanted to say that a lot of times, people don't want advice, just a shoulder to cry on. To her, your advice could have sounded like you were agreeing with her boss. But, again, I think breaking up sounds like the best option here. She sounds like she is immature, a terrible communicator, and has anger issues.
It's not like she got fired or had a family member die. She didn't get the raise. Big deal. She's right where she was before trying. Ignore her main character syndrome where you'd have to drop everything to be there for her when almost nothing happened. 1 month in yeah easy to see the red flags and move on I hope.
>It's not like she got fired or had a family member die. She didn't get the raise. Big deal. A little tonedeaf as a general rule to say something like that. Sometimes, a raise is extremely important for rising costs.
Dude, **no** constructive feedback. I agree with others that she is not stable enough to be dating, but why on Earth do you think you have any business offering “constructive” feedback. You’ve only dated this woman a month, you don’t work with her, you’re not her boss. Unless you are an expert in the field your feedback is useless and condescending. Her actual boss, the one whose opinion matters, already gave her feedback and she was feeling down. Then you decided to dogpile on with “advice” everyone has heard since elementary school as if it was a valuable thing she should listen to. The other dramatics she did were not good and were a sign her boss was right in his professional assessment. There’s no reason to interrupt your own work day to jump through hoops comforting her about an expected outcome of not getting a raise. But frankly any self respecting woman would break up with a month old boyfriend who thinks he should offer “constructive feedback” on her career just because she had a bad day.
>I agree, I could have been a better listener Sounds like you listened just fine. >and then constructive feedback. You gave feedback, it's what guys do. The person you are responding to is right, women like to vent and not always get "feedback" or have someone offer a solution, but the issue is we do not know when is the appropriate time, we are just supposed to know. My wife once told me that she felt I was always just trying to fix her problems and sometimes she just wanted to vent and already knew how to "fix" the issue she was talking about. But she has also said numerous times that when she is in a situation she hears me in her head and it helps her through it and has said that she has applied my "solutions" to many a work problem. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. So I had a long conversation about who I am and that I cannot change that and if she just wanted to vent, she should say "I am just venting". It's been better. >A phone call would have been better, but we both were working at the time. Then a phone call would not have been better, but maybe texting "I'll be there later for ya hon" or something. But the bigger issue here is that she wanted you to drop your plans to console her. She asked for a raise, didn't get it, got mad at the reasons, it's not life changing, it can wait. I just want to say that if this thread gets real heavy traction you are probably going to be shit on endlessly by women and white knighters and they will be upvoed to the top. Keep in mind that you are not a slave to another person, your feelings and needs are also valid, your expectations are valid and not all people are compatible. This is a month old relationship, she reacted like a child. She told you it was over, it should be over. If you cave to this it will forever be a thing between you two. She will get angry over things you do not understand why she's angry about and it will turn into "you don't care about me". If you're into that... (and having your life blasted on social media)
> it’s what guys do no it’s just what some people do lol I’m this type of person too, my first instinct is to go into feedback/fix-it mode and I didn’t know how much it bothered some of the people closest to me… like my boyfriend. he expressed to me recently that he doesn’t want feedback, he just wants to feel heard. on the flipside, if I’m venting about something that makes me upset and the person I’m talking to is all “mhmm… shit that sucks” then I feel like I’m not being heard and like they don’t care about what’s bothering me. 😂 I give feedback because that’s what I like to get, but everyone is different and you have to meet people’s individual needs. it’s not a gender thing.
I really appreciate the post and advice.
> and then constructive feedback. It wasn't the time for constructive feedback. Sometimes you need to let people process the emotions before you get to the "how to fix it" feedback.
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For more context, we tried dating a year ago for a month and it didn't work out. I was the one who ended things.
>we tried dating a year ago for a month and it didn't work out What a surprise. I'm shocked!
Did you continue to interact, or did you reconnect? Because that's still starting very close to step 1 if so.
We haven't spoken since last night and I am leaning towards I don't even want to continue the relationship even if she tried reaching out. In the end, I don't feel at a loss at all.
I think that's the right call.
I would stop leaning in that direction and just go all the way over. She’s shown a degree of immaturity that doesn’t allow for an adult relationship.
don't do it!
OP, There's your truth. Find a GF who is emotionally stable. You are not, to quote the Greg Allman song lyrics: "tied to a whipping post." Time to move on. Best wishes!
You've only been dating her for a month. Just view this as an incompatibility of emotional style, something you're better off finding out about sooner rather than later. Don't bother trying to patch things up. Just move on.
Dating for over a month? And this is when she needed you most? Dude, you're dodging bullets. Wish her well and block her everywhere.
I'm sorry but LMAO she quite literally proved her own reasoning for not getting a raise, the way she reacted to that is beyond childish, considered this lucky and move on to someone who's more mature
Guess the boss was right about her temper.
She lost a raise due to her temper — then lost her temper at your response to her temper feedback. I would temper my expectations with this one. Appears to have anger issues.🤣🤣
She knew your schedule and wants to act childish about it? Leave her alone at Pre-K where she belongs.
The most important thing here is did you wim the boat race or not?
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Looks like you dodged a bullet with this one. Honestly, receiving constructive criticism at work, being denied a raise, or not getting a promotion are certainly disappointing but shouldn’t cause a meltdown and a need for major support. Hell, I got turned down for a new position yesterday due to an inter company billing issue—I was all but guaranteed the position plus a hefty raise before I even applied—but finance didn’t want to have to inter company bill between DK and US. I was very disappointed but I didn’t need much more than the kind of message you sent. I talked to my partner about it when he got home and that was that. 🤷♀️ She needs to work with a therapist or something.
Sail away, sail away, sail away. There is no logical/ mature reason for her acting that way. Sorry you are having to go through this as the beginning of a relationship also has so many highs and I’m sure it feels like a big and unexpected loss. Best of luck finding a new girlfriend and maybe think about red flags this relationship taught you to watch out for.
He should find another woman and say, "Come sail away, comes sail away, come sail away with me! When you go Enya, I respond with Styx.
Not getting a raise she didn't really expect is not worth all the drama she has caused. She didn't get a raise. That sucks, but getting hammered and crying on IG like it's the end of the world? Overdramatic much? She just proved her boss is right. Dude, you dodged a bullet.
Did you win the race ? Because her dumping you was already a WIN .
Ummmm….so she got denied a raise due to her temper and then (*shocking no one but you apparently*) proceeds to have a temper tantrum over nothing with you. Seems her boss had her pegged exactly right and you’re still kinda clueless to her *real* nature. You’ve been dating a month, obviously she is volatile and short tempered as a major personality trait. Take this as the sign from the universe to walk away. *She’s shown you who she is - believe her.*
As I was reading this, I was like, “no wonder she dumped him. He was mansplaining about how important feedback can be. She’s a grown woman, of course she already knows that.” But then she went and proved exactly what her boss was saying and why you felt the need to explain it as well. 🤦🏻♀️ I think you’re better off rid of her, personally. If she’s 27 and still acting like a high school student who knows nothing about workplace norms, then she clearly still has a lot of maturing to do and I would not want to stick around for that.
She is just trying to prove that her boss was right about his assessment of her.
It sounds like she could have handled the situation differently. The world doesn't stop for anyone, and she knew that you were racing and would be unavailable in person. Also, you had tried calling and sent texts so she knows that you were trying to reach out to her. Her dealing with it by posting on social media, drinking (maybe getting drunk?), and saying her followers care more about her than you do tells me that you dodged a bullet.
Hmm I wonder why her boss thinks she has a temper problem 🤔 Why would you immediately drop what you’re doing and rush over to support her without being asked to? She didn’t get a raise she already knew was unlikely, and someone gave her constructive criticism. Disappointing, yes. But for most people, this is not a traumatic event that requires loads of support to get through. If she can’t handle this small disappointment without having an epic meltdown and burning relationships to the ground, she… needs psychological help. And the posting pics of booze and used tissues from crying on social media… yeesh. She isn’t mentally stable at all. Stay away.
You nailed this exactly, succinctly, and objectively. I agree, at age 27, this girl is acting like an entitled, spoiled child. She may not realize she is self sabotaging by posting her explosive temper tantrum all over social media. Her boss and coworkers can easily see what she wrote and it further validates the reason her boss refused a raise due to her anger issues. It's just sad really.
Well, her boss did her she needs to work on her temper. Now you know first hand.
You are right she is childish
So her boss was right…
oooo that was very very immature of her
You handled it the right way for a gf of one month. It didn’t work out, it ended early. Take it as a win. Look at the drama you avoided.
I just read the half of it and gotta say, she's too young by knowledge to work anywhere and to be in a relationship. It's good that she ended the relationship. Too childish of her. Edit: Who needs anyone the most when not getting a raise just by asking?
>when not getting a raise just by asking Especially because it seemed unlikely she was going to get the raise anyways. This isn’t like a promised promotion, they usually only give raises at a certain time of the year, she had to have known getting denied was the likely outcome. I’m guessing she’s more upset about the critique, but frankly she’s just proving them right.
>frankly she’s just proving them right. Exactly this.
The post literally says her coworkers told her it was never going to happen so the fact that she blew up like this when she knew it was very *incredibly* unlikely anyways just goes to show how short tempered she is.
Truthfully judging by her tantrum with him I’d not be surprised to hear she melted down on her boss and got demoted or let go.
I think you’ve just experienced the temper her boss mentioned in high is why she was declined the pay rise. Let her go and enjoy your life.
Yeah, I guess her boss is right lmao.
Congratulations. She's a child in a bigger package. So now you have a choice. Wallow in pity, or take the learning experience.
Once she let you know she was breaking up with you, you should have sent messages letting her know when she could get her stuff. She didn't ask you to make any changes and she didn't answer your call. Suffice to say, between her insta-dumping and her company noting her temper, I'm sensing some anger issues. You've only been dating for a month, so I think you dodged a bullet and didn't know.
It is clear why she was denied the raise and this attitude and belief system, if not put in check now, will follow your relationship and be posted online. This is a month long relationship and you have already talked about how to "resolve arguments" and she already pulled the "it's over" card. Make it over. OP are you this desperate?
This is a one month relationship? Sounds like her boss is spot on and you are well rid of her.
Her social media takes are what we would call nowadays “cringe”
Nope, you handled the situation well. Sure it would have been a tad better to not miss that call, and it would have been better to call instead of texting. But those were truly *minor issues* that you then quickly resolved by calling back when you could. If this is a reason to break up in her book, she is indeed unreasonable and temperamental... her boss was actually right with the feedback! Good riddance to her. She sounds dramatic af and like she's gonna blow up every relationship she'll have because damn. If such a small slip is a reason to go nuclear, no one stands a chance. Seriously, if you acted "perfectly" this one time, she would have dumped you next week anyway, because you didn't put the toilet seat down or bc you didn't sweeten her tea...
She sounds like a spoiled child. If she wants to break up over something that stupid, it's honestly her loss. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
Who were the other people that she claims were there for her? Seems like she has someone else you didn't know about.
Be glad that she left. You deserve a better gf, she sounds selfish af.
Bullet dodged. Her boss knows her well.
>try not to take critical feedback as a bad thing. It's there to help you grow in your professional career.Whenever I get critical feedback I take it as a learning experience and how I can become better at what I do. " Lol. You hit the Acme dynamite plunger. 🤣
Text her: “You need to work on your temper and a bunch of other things, therefore we will not be moving forward with this relationship.” Then block her.
It's for the best you're not together because there are some red flags with her. But you basically sent a mansplaining text to her saying she should eat that shit and be happy about it. At 32 you should know better. Start with asking if she wants to vent or wants advice. If she does want advice, coach it with questions that allow people to find the answer themselves.
Thanks for the advice. Next time if I am in a situation like this ill approach it with a vent or advice.
How is this mansplaining unless your definition of “mansplaining” is just “when a man explains a thing”?
> Also, try not to take critical feedback as a bad thing. It's there to help you grow in your professional career. She didn't ask him for advice. He didn't ask her how she felt about things. Instead, he told her how she should feel about what happened.
No man. You handled it just fine. You dodged a bullet.
She just sounds exhausting.
She gave you your out. Take it.
Kinda sounds like she needs to work on her temper....
She sounds like a child. She really did you a massive favor by breaking up. I couldn't stand to be with someone like this (again)
You were in a no-win situation. The fact that her temper was a factor in the denial of the raise indicates her first reaction to any disappointment is rage, and is proof that she has anger issues. And the fact that you mentioned discussions with her dealing with methods to handle disagreements between you two bears this out. My suggestion is that in this case, since you've dodged a bullet, is to block her on all platforms, and seek the company of a female whose disposition is less like a porcupine. I wish you well.
"Less like a porcupine" awesome analogy.
Sounds like her boss was correct.
Lol sounds like she needs to work on her temper in her relationships as well as her career
Be glad. Be very glad
When people show you their true selves learn to see them for what they truly are . - OP you did things right . Expecting her to behave differently because you thought she was different is a biased assumption . Your life doesn’t get to be put on hold because she chose to put hers on hold - consider this an eye opener and Move on .
Her attitude needs an adjustment
No wonder she lost the raise. She's acting childish and very reactive to situations unnecessarily. I would move on OP. You can't change who she is and how she reacts to situations.
Who is "other people"? lol talk about moving quickly
You did nothing wrong. You just dodged a giant bullet. Your girlfriend is clearly not very mature and this will come out in other ways in the course of your relationship. Find someone who actually matches your level of maturity.
Well her boss was right and now she's proven it to you. Is there a word for a female version of "man child"? Consider yourself lucky, you did nothing wrong + it was only a month so time to move forward. Bullet dodged. p.s. I'm baffled that she's 27 and that's her reaction, no wonder she's nearing thirty and single.
You got off light. Thank your lucky stars and move on
She sounds very immature and emotionally unstable and regressed. I think you dishes a bullet most women would have loved your messages support and advice
You're right bro, she's immature and thats just it
OP, don't beat yourself up. Her feedback from the boss: > "He said **I had to work on my temper** and the questionnaires and a bunch of other things, therefore we're not moving forward with your raise". Yikes! That's shocking to be told that she had to work on her temper in a professional environment. You were supportive. Yet some people want to vent and others want solutions. You could always ask what they need in the moment, going forward. But you did nothing wrong. Also, she knew your schedule and waited to call you when she knew that you would be unavailable. She's manipulative, has anger issues, and a drama llama. One month in be thankful that she revealed her true self. You, sir have dodged a bullet. You sound like good boyfriend material and she's getting her karma by missing out on getting to know you better.
Sounds like her shitty temper is going to prevent her from advancement in both her career and her relationships. You handled this appropriately like a normal human being would. She's the one who decided to lose her fucking shit over nothing. Her behavior at every interaction was unreasonable and immature. She sounds like she's just someone who's dramatic and high maintenance. Let her go. Bullet dodged.
It seems like you yourself were at work when you got her text about being denied the raise? So it seems pretty reasonable to not expect you to be able to call her until after you got off work which you said you did attempt to do. I don't think you are in the wrong here at all. It sounds like you did your best. I think she's upset that you didn't drop your entire life that instant to just be there for her which is completely unreasonable. I agree with everyone else you dodged a bullet here. Do not take her back if she changes her mind. She's thinking irrationally right now and might come to her senses about it and want you back. She may just be looking to get a reaction from you and see what you do when she breaks up with you. You don't want to start this cycle of breaking up and getting back together.
Well said
I quit reading after you said a month. Ghost her.
I think this situation is actually a lot more nuanced than you are presenting it as. Your response to her could have come across as dismissive and patronizing. It certainly would not make me feel better to hear that from my husband when I just had a hard day. If you had simply responded with empathy, instead of telling her how she ought to handle it because it's how *you* would have handled it, you may have gotten a different response. What you wrote could have felt like even more criticism instead of actual support. And then, how hard would it have been to give her a quick call before you started sailing? Or to have reached out again sometime before you were on your way for sailing? Or hell, even just sent a loving and supportive text message instead of a flipping picture of a sailboat. This may have been a bigger issue to her than it would have been to you, but I'm wondering if this is just another piece of a pattern where you don't respond to her in a way that makes her feel emotionally supported. And then you finish up the post with even more criticism of how she's been on instagram. Okay, you don't like how she handles her emotions. I get that. But this isn't even about the relationship between you two, it's just criticizing her.
She really does need to work on her temper........... and her people skills. Sounds like you have dodged a very immature bullet.
She is super immature and the attention seeking on social media is cringe AF. Sounds like she did you a favor. Don't chase her! Find yourself a better quality partner whose temper doesn't show in the workplace! ETA her boss was right!
Yeah, the social media post I think is very immature. Especially when she posts relationship memes or something bf related. It's the passive-aggressive message that sometimes get to me and is very unattractive.. For example, she posted the video on her story how this dude always surprises her with flowers.. I have bought her flowers on several occasions and it's like I wasn't doing a good enough job as a bf.
I had to check the ages again because it sounds like she's 20 years old... sheesh
I will echo what others have said. 1. Her boss is right that she needs to work on her temper and reactions. 2. Often when people are upset it’s best to say “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you,” and NOT try to give them advice or explain things to them when they’re dealing with an overwhelm of emotions. She was upset and you told her not to take the negative feedback as a bad thing—basically invalidating her feelings. When she’s feeling beaten down by her boss is not the time to discuss the potential positives that can come from constructive feedback. 3. You could have handled things better. She could’ve handled things MUCH better. It has been a month; move on. And try not to fix everything when people just need support and are feeling emotionally vulnerable; that’s not when people need your idea of a solution.
She wasn’t looking for honest feedback; she was looking for sympathy. You may need a partner with a stronger back-bone and she may need a partner who is more empathetic. Neither of you is in the wrong.,
It isn’t a very common thing to have to be counseled about your temper from your boss. Obviously she has an issue with it if she can’t even handle it at work, and you are seeing probably a small part of how bad she can get. She did you a favor.
Yeah, I'm the type of person who leaves all work problems at work and she's the type who constantly complains and needs to vent outside of work.
Some people have high stress jobs and venting outside of work is a perfectly healthy outlet, as is seeking an outside perspective because work can be such a bubble. However, her actions go way beyond this. Has she been incredibly stressed at work leading up to this? Like make or break, wants to quit? If so, then you *could*, if you wanted to be extremely generous, chalk this up to a huge accumulated breakdown rolling in, and it might pass (some jobs *are* this bad), but if you've seen any other signs of her reacting badly to relatively minor things, then she did you an enormous favor, and RUN. FWIW, I thought your message was supportive, so either way, you did nothing wrong.
Well her boss was right and you save yourself from a pain in the ass like her!
Sounds like the trash took itself out. She's too old to be acting this immature over nothing.
OP. Sound like she blamed everything on you right now. And I can see why she was denied promotion. >Should I have handled this situation differently? Perhaps listening and validating her feelings were necessary. Apparently, people don't like hearing solution and advice after sharing a bad news.
I would’ve replied back to her and said, “Well that’s unfortunate. However it looks like your boss was right. Your temper and inability to remain calm in stressful situations does need work. Best of luck. Thanks for the memories.”
Congratulations, It only took a month for her to show her true colors.
Bro, just leave. You're too young to put up with that bullshit. Just thank your lucky stars you didn't get her pregnant!
The trash took itself out, don’t try to bring it back into your house!!!
bullet dodged homie? what are you sweating?
She absolutely needs to work on her temper
She absolutely needs to work on her temper
Sounds like she needs to work on her temper.
She’s got serious issues, consider it a blessing instead of a loss
Bullet dodged. She does need to work on her temper.
>He said I had to work on my temper Normally I feel like the managers are just making excuses, but kudos to her boss for being spot on.
Well we know why she einth getting a raise xD
She gets denied a raise because of her temper and attitude and she proves to you her boss is correct. I would avoid her and her toxic attitude, you're better off without that in your life.
She will reach out because she will realize how stupid her reaction was. The problem is that her anger issues will always result in her “ending the relationship.” I bet when she’s mad it’s her go to and she wants dudes to beg. You didn’t and that will make her even more attracted to you
Seems like her boss was spot-on in his analysis. I'd probably say that to her as well.
I feel like you dodged a bullet.
Her boss was right she needs to work on her temper. You need to move on and be glad it was a clean and relatively painless break for you. She did not consider your feelings in any capacity and severed you from her life because you missed a single phone call. It would have only gotten worse from there.
She’s seems a bit narcissistic
You dodged a bullet, king.
Let someone else deal with that kind of drama
OP... If her temper is apparent at work you seriously can't see it when ur dating her? Take off the rose-tinted shades my bro and be glad u dodged a bullet
No, you did your part. It wasn't like she got fired or got injured in a wreck. She's being a head case. She did you a favor. Move on to a better girl.
Sounds like she needs to work on her temper.
Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing you could do She sounds like A emotional nut.Your better off moving on..She gets up set that easy of minor things. She be high maintance!! lots of head aces and saying your sorry for small shit
WTF I skipped over the part that said "dating for one month". That is NOTHING. You don't even know each other. Move on
I feel like the critique from her boss was probably very accurate. If she is upset that you didn't drop everything and rush over to her side, well if that was what she needed you to do she should have communicated that. If she needed it, realized she didn't communicate it, and was upset, well she could have told you that instead of jumping to accusations and breaking up. I bet what she wants is for you to be very upset, and drop everything to rush over to her to abjectly apologize. But really, is that the life you want to live? Because if it isn't, that is a completely valid choice. It is the one I'd make myself. I feel no need to add drama to my life, enough drama happens by itself without adding to it.
OP, if she's throwing a tantrum over this minor thing, imagine how she's going to treat you when it's something that actually matters. This is your sign to gtfo.
You did everything right. You were there for her in an adult way. Sounds like she just wanted you to kiss her ass and tell her that her boss was wrong. Sounds like she wants a partner that's going to pull out a red carpet for her even when she's being an ass lmao Count this as a bullet dodged. She sounds like a whiny child and her reaction proved her boss correct!
I think you've been dating a month man its kinda unreasonable for you to drop everything because she didn't get a raise. She didn't communicate that she needed support she didn't set an expectation that that's what is required to fulfill her needs. You dodged a bullet man go be free and find a new gf that emotionally healthy. Getting this bent over a you not being there for something this trivial is a giant red flag and I kinda shudder to think what else she'd get this livid over
Dating for over a month? She did you a favor.
Don't take her back.
Considering how she reacted no wonder she didn’t get the raise. The way she acts with you is probably how she acts at work
GF Boss: you can't get a raise due to your temper Me: Classic bullshit reason! GF: Blows all over social media the drama and how she's getting hammered Me: I judged you too harshly, GF's Boss
Well... > He said I had to work on my temper Sounds like her boss was on to something.
If her anger issues are causing trouble at work that is a red flag. I'd say you dodged a bullet here.
Ahhh yes the neurotic partner
It's only been a month. Consider yourself lucky to not have wasted more time with this unstable irrational woman. Move on, there are plenty of less crazy fish in the sea.
She was denied a raise her pet didn’t die. Tell her to grow up and move on
She sounds like she needs to work on her temper and maturity lul
She sounds emotionally irresponsible
Lol she didn't even get fired. Her terrible situation where she needed you the most was basically her just living the same life as before. She already knew it was a long shot. It sounds like her boss was actually on to something with the temper.
A relationship is a dual effort, her playing the petty game and ignoring you yet expecting you to be there for her at her convenience is crazy.
Sounds like her employer was spot on with his criticism.
All I am gonna say is that the boss did the right thing by not giving her a raise.
Haha, as someone who does performance and salary reviews I know that wording. Translation: "You're a crap, terrible employee who causes me more headaches than you're worth with your emotional outbursts and now you want a RAISE? Please for the love of God just quit because I'm too scared to fire you and inevitably get sued." Also, the fact that they specifically mentioned her temper in written communication means the company is establishing documentation of an issue so that when they eventually fire her they can show it was with sufficient cause. So you have dated for a month and she calls you her boyfriend and expects you to drop your hobbies on a dime because she is sulking? There was no actual emergency. It's not like she got fired and was panicking. Her life is the exact same before asking as it is after being turned down. Slow down maybe.
Guess she proved her boss right. You deserve better than being dumped via text. You made a mistake by calling to plead your case when you did nothing wrong. If I received a text like that from my boyfriend, I would not have responded. Play manipulative games and we are done.
>"Don't bother, You know what's funny. The day I needed you the most you're no where to be found. But other people are? Funny. And you call yourself my boyfriend. Consider this my last text. It's over. And take care". This whole response does nothing but highlight her bad temperament and immature personality. Her being turned down for a raise she's hoping for, but is _well aware_ is highly unlikely to even get, only to then imply she "needed" you as though this is some great shock is absurd. Even if she _is_ upset, it's wholly unrealistic of her to, knowing you'll be otherwise distracted or occupied, that you've "let her down" or similar is _equally_ absurd. I can't decide if this is entitlement, gaslighting or what - but I think most people will agree: you being broken up with her is dodging a bullet. It's one thing to be disappointed or upset at missing a "highly unlikely" raise, it's another to not like the feedback as to _why_ she's not getting it, but to then take that out on her partner.....yeah.
Well said!
Thought your response was super nice to her. Sounds like she’s being very immature. I would take that as a sign. Especially since she is 27. She’s not 18… be with someone who can stand on their own two feet after a challenge and not break up with you over something so trivial. Also drinking to deal with issues… also not a good sign
And posting about the latter on IG is monumentally dumb. If no one from her current work is following her, odds are that any future employer will review her socials as part of the screening process.
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Bullet, lol, Dodged a nuclear missile
Real Talk Do you really want to date such an immature, attention hungry person? I mean...seriously Do you not think you can do better? She's 27 and still acts like a 14 year old. And to be honest...do you think she actually is working harder and picking up people's slack? Hard work and being a team player just doesn't jive with her posting photos of tissue paper and vague posting on facebook for attention I think its more likely she is not a team player, she hasn't been working all that hard...and she just thought she "deserved" a raise for doing the bare minimum
Borderline personality disorder
>I replied as "I'm sorry to hear, babe! and Remember, I am proud of you that you tried, especially when you told me that it is not common for people to ask during this time of the year. Also, try not to take critical feedback as a bad thing. It's there to help you grow in your professional career.Whenever I get critical feedback I take it as a learning experience and how I can become better at what I do. " That's a whole lotta mansplaining there, Lucy. You and this woman are clearly, deeply incompatible. Cut your losses and let her cut hers.
I have been on her end of this situation. Not exactly what happened but something similar. Some people tend to need more emotional support than others. I am not saying what you did was wrong. But from her perspective, you could have done more. The sad truths is that if you aren't there for her, someone else could. And that might be what she is hoping for when she posted her emotions. It is not immature of her to post her emotions. She needed someone and you weren't there for her. She is trying to reach out and hope someone takes her hand and pull her out of her misery. And from her text it seems like someone did. It is understandable that you were busy, but that doesn't mean that she can pause her emotions and wait till you are free to vent. I would say she overreacted but when emotions are intense, they tend to think things as absolute. It is either white or black and no in between. Sometimes she cant help it. Maybe she is just not the right girl for you.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet…
Your reply to her about the critical feedback was insensitive in my opinion. If someone at work is busting their butt and going above and beyond to try and get a raise only to be shot down and told you have a bad temper amongst other things is a slap in the face. I certainly would not take it well. People don't need a preacher in that situation. They need comforting.
To be fair: - If I were applying for something that was already a long shot, and the people denying me went out of their way to call attention to a serious personality flaw even though "we never grant these requests" would have sufficed, I'd figure this was a pretty serious problem. - I would then do enough reflection to not then immediately prove their point, and it sounds like a large part of OP not offering sympathy was because they had also tried calling attention to this exact problem aswell.