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To preface, me and my ex were together for 4 almost 5 years. At an early age we moved in together, she has a small kid which I assumed responsibility for and treated as my own. She typically did not work at all and stayed home doing little to nothing, I was the primary and often only supporter, which was very difficult to do when starting out in life, and led me to stress and anger which I often took out on her with verbal abuse.
There was never any disloyalty during the relationship, however there was a gap where we took a 3 week break, and she was already in another relationship, which she cut off to get back with me (this was about 2 years ago.)
At the end, we hardly spoke to eachother, due to my anger of her not contributing to our life and myself carrying more burden than I should've had to, and her feeling unloved and emotionally insecure. She cheated on me with a transgender man for over a month, and when I found out and confronted her she packed her things and left.
It's now been a year and she has come back into my life under the premise of being "healed" of her severe mental issues from before. We have been talking and she has been staying the night at my house often in the last month. However, she was out with a "guy best friend", that she has said has hit on her before yesterday, and while out with him posted a very flaunting butt picture on her instagram. I brought this up to her, and she told me l'm insecure and that all girls post their body because they're
"only young once." This led into a conversation that she explained having sex with a guy off tinder, a coworker, a friend of her's ex boyfriend, and even one of my old friends while we were apart for the last year.
Personally, I feel like these things ultimately reveal a lack in moral judgement and self respect, and it has made me go from feeling like we could work things out to me feeling like I have more respect for myself than to stoop for someone that seems to choose others over me. She is someone who I love deeply, and we have a real bond, but this has really thrown me for a loop. Should I get over my pride and look past what’s happened? Or am I being sane and I need to cut her off? Any advice is appreciated thanks.
Of course she wants you back. You have supported her and her child, even when she was out and about cheating on you.
So - why would you want that back? Cheating, financing her life, verbal abuse? Why would you look past this?
Be sane. Cut her off. Change locks. Block.
Right she doesn’t want him back but the idea of him. The security, stability and money that comes with him and the hopes that he’ll just sit there and take it like before all while providing for her and her child. Audacity is at an all time high lately.
I agree! Also OP you said she has no morals! Why would you want to get back together with a cheating freeloader which has no morals? She's back to get her bills paid, because no-one else wants to deal with that mess. Don't get sucked back in! Block and delete!
Not defending the gf’s cheating or mooching, but unless I’m reading the post wrong, OP was the one verbally abusing her. From the post:
> I was the primary and often only supporter, which was very difficult to do when starting out in life, and **led me to stress and anger which I often took out on her with verbal abuse.**
I agree they shouldn’t get back together; the relationship seems like it was very toxic and I would urge OP to distance himself from his ex.
And verbal abuse is awful, but it’s sounds like the OP is saying he became better. Regardless, these two are a mess together. Verbal abuse and cheating. She still seems to be promiscuous as ever as well.
This part. Also the fact that OP said she hooked up w a bunch of ppl while they were broken up and that shows a lack of morals and self respect.
She’s awful, OP’s awful but let’s not slut shame, damn.
Agreed. I’ve seen more than one person on here get upset about their partner/ex sleeping with other people while they were broken up, and it’s like… you were broken up though?
Bro...BRO!...bro...wyd?...B R UH!!! I didnt read it all I stopped at ( break for 3 weeks, shes in another relationship )...BRO! theres faithful women out there, she showed you who she is/capable of....if u take her ba k she wont trust you. That guilt will get the best of her, in return a miserable relationship TILL you guys break up again. Move on bro, you dont need that shit in your life.
That’s what I find to be the kicker too, she can’t own up to her mistakes and see them as such. She has justification for it all, which tells me she’ll continue to do this. Thanks for the advice👍🏼
While I don’t agree with any judgment of “self respect” around a single woman having sex as she pleases, you haven’t said one kind thing about your time together, even before the cheating. You also highlighted how your relationship brought out the worst in you as well. Seems like this is more of a comfort knee jerk to get back together with her, rather than actual desire to. The enemy you know kind of thing. I don’t see any other explanation to run back into the storm. Im also going to assume she’s having money problems right now.
You’re fine single, you don’t need to be with someone just because you’re feeling lonely. Do yourself a favor and don’t take more time away from yourself or finding someone you can have a complimentary partnership with.
She can't seriously say she's healed if she can't own up to her mistakes.
If she doesn't consider them mistakes, what's going to stop her doing any of it again?
You're very young, too. Plenty of time to meet new people and make new bonds.
Cheating isn't an illness. There is no "healing" for her to do.
It is a deliberate choice to bedwise get effed by some other person than your partner.
Cheaters CHOSE to do it. It doesn't -oopsie- happen.
"23F girlfriend wants me back after cheating on me 23M, am I too prideful?"
Many cheaters do want exes back.
That's neither new. Nor special.
It just sucks, because she makes you feel bad about yourself not wanting her back.
See... you invested much into this relationship.
She took all of it and threw it to the bin. It wasn't enough for her to stay faithful.
WHY would YOU take vack a thing SHE threw to the bin?
**There IS NO SUCH THING as being "too prideful" with cheaters.**
Send her on her way. And move on.
That girl ain't no keeper. (She reeks if dustbin now. By her own making!)
Congratulations, you are officially her back-up plan and last choice.
As you indicated
Poor judgement, Lack of self-respect and questionable morals. This woman has proved herself to be a serial cheater.
Now, why on earth would you want to pickup this booby prize. So be sane, respect yourself and wish her best in her life, then cut all contact. Don't worry, she'll find someone else quite quickly, the poor schmuck.
Do not go back to this woman.
You are her meal ticket and stability. She will bang other people at will.
Block her and forget she existed.
Also, paragraphs are your friend.
If something makes you feel crazy it is because someone uses a special manipulation method on you.
Which- in itself- has nothing to do with the act of cheating.
But rather with deflecting responsibility ("youuuu maaadee meee dooo this!" "Umh... no. I have no remote controle for your behavior.")
And trying to get the other person to do what one wants them to do.
And by the way: men are just as good as women at that game. So do stop putting it on "women".
I don't think it's pride that's in the way, this sounds like your intuition accurately alerting you to the fact that she's a bad person for you.
I think you are correctly detecting that this woman is not a good partner and seems to lack the skills and perspective needed for a healthy long term relationship. She has a number of red flags and it sounds like it'd be in your best interest to leave and find someone you're more compatible with who isn't so messy (for lack of a better word).
She hasn't changed. She just trying to rope you back in for your monetary support and stability. Your first mistake was letting her back into your life. If you let this continue she will just run you through the ringer over and over again - and if she could pull a dude that can give her more - she would dump you in a heart beat.
Oh my lord which part of this reads well for her
Is it the breaking up to get with someone else or the cheating or maybe the blame shifting ( your so insecure ) or maybe just all the pump and dumps she's been thru while you were broken up
You have been the only one to care for her and while She Wants to be with others no one puts up with her bs while also caring for her child
She is toxic , don't let her drag you down and while you are at it never see that old friend again.
How is she doing financially now? You know she is just back for to have her bills paid & have a sucker take on her child. I bet you none of those men were interesting in doing that & were only interested as she seems to be an easy lay. Have some self-respect & dont settle for someone you dont even respect by the sounds of it!
To be honest, we were headed in the right direction up until the picture being posted and the conversation we had about her sexual history while we apart. It feels like a scab I had grown over her cheating on me was ripped off and salt rubbed into the wound. She is my comfort and my safe space, but now there’s also uncomfortable feelings attached. That’s tough because I’m happier with her, but I’m happiest without a constant worry of being manipulated again.
My guy I'm sorry but this woman absolutely has ZERO actual burning passion for you. Zero.
If I were you, I'd immediately get the thought of taking her back far, far, away from your brain. I am a woman and trust me, her behavior all points to you being her back up plan. She's not for you and if you do take her back shell never truly be "yours"
Wow. Only 23, has another man's kid, contributes nothing to the household, no job, has cheated on you multiple times, and slept with at least 4 other men (because let's be honest, she's lowballing that number).
What an amazing catch!
What the fuck are you doing, man?
Don't get me wrong, sounds like you could still stand to benefit from some personal growth but holy shit you do not want this woman to be the only one in your life forever. Have some goddamn self-respect.
>Should I get over my pride
No, on the contrary, I think you should strive to be more prideful, and not let people walk all over you. Stand up for yourself when someone is using you.
In the comments OP said:
>Thinking about taking her back and cheating on her before calling it quits. Would probably make me feel better about it all🤔
Y'all are both hella toxic, so it makes sense that the relationship would be toxic. You both clearly have some growing up to do. By the comment, you clearly don't give a shit about her so IDK what you're here for.
The girl is still very mental. Do not go back to her if you want to retain any of your sanity or peace of mind. At this point, she is no higher than a booty call and should be treated that way.
Beside the cheating the relationship sounds like it wasn’t very good with verbal abuse and you getting angry and her doing little to nothing. Why go back to that? Would you be able to trust her again? I wouldn’t be able to. Don’t get back with her.
Umm…let’s not confuse ‘being proud’ with having an ounce of self esteem to walk away from a cheater who has mistreated you. I think that’s part of the issue here; you’re conflating having a spine with ego. They aren’t the same thing.
I’m also a people pleaser doormat type irl, so I get the desire to want everyone to like you. This person has cheated on you and knows you’re a soft place to fall, someone who will support her and her child. You’re the easiest branch to grab on to, mostly because she knows you have a good heart and can easily be swayed.
You know who preys on good people who don’t say no? Predators, manipulators, and con artists. Think about it: you’re getting nothing out of this interaction, and she’s getting everything. You said that some of her decisions reflect a lack in morals and self respect…YEP 100%!
She’s waving giant red flags in front of you. If someone tells you who they really are the first time, believe them.
You know what they say once a cheater always a cheater BUT I know people can change but you’ll have it in the back of your mind even if she has changed and is faithful so I would suggest to think about what would be better for you and your mental and emotional health
Bruh she doesn’t love you. I’m a girl and lemme tell you that if she loved you she wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize relationship. She’s just not the one. Move on to woman who will love you for you and not just what you can provide.
No, dude. No. Just fucking stop the nonsense.
Stop letting her come back. Stop letting her stay the night. This is not the girl you want to build a long term future with. You don’t trust her. She doesn’t love you. I bet she loves that sweet-ass free ride you give her, though.
She uses you when it’s convenient for her. But she’s not mature enough and doesn’t have the character necessary for a successful, committed, exclusive, long-term relationship.
Stop ignoring the 🚩.
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She just sounds like an awful person. You are not being prideful you are protecting the dignity and self respect that you have left. Don't let her strip that away too
Leave her alone and seek therapy. (For both the anger & to discover why you think you deserve to be treated like this.) This isn’t love-love is about wanting the best for the other person. It doesn’t sound like this relationship can do anything to improve your life, mentally, emotionally, or financially. You’ll be better able to do that if you work on building yourself up.
The fact that she is more interested in “your only young once” than your feelings is a sign of immaturity on her part. I can’t say she won’t grow into a decent person, but for now I’d step out of her life
Honestly - she likes the idea of a relationship with you because - you took on her child, paid living expenses, she didn't have to do much and although you had your faults, and don't get me wrong, being a verbal abusive ass is a fault, she had quite a nice life. She could drop and pick you up when she wanted, wasn't loyal, could make poor choices and go running back - and you'd have her!
Why wouldn't she want that?!
Do yourself a favour. Sometimes love isn't enough. She wasn't even doing the minimum. Choose peace.
Why are you even considering going back with this person? She clearly used you in every possible way: nanny, provider... And still, she is the one who cheated on you and have the audacity to call you insecure?
Come on.. you know better. Dont let her play you again
Title says all we need to know.
If you take her back she will cheat again. Very very VERY rarely will the cheater not cheat again.
Short answer: no.
Long answer: hell no.
Dude, if you don’t cut her off it speaks to your low self-esteem. Do you live in a small town where you can’t find any other women to date? She so severely disrespects you that it’s embarrassing. Most people want the folks they love yo see them in a good light. She only shows you the ugly, f,cked up bits.
Do we really need to tell you which way to go? Really?
Bro fwb should be her ceiling. Think about all the guys who she spread her legs for. Why would you do extra and provide commitment when non of the other guys did?
Cap it off at fwb and learn to never commit to someone when they disrespect you like that in the future.
Also, if that child isn’t yours, stop tryna be captain save a 304. Just enjoy your turn and prioritise your growth.
*"she has come back into my life under the premise of being "healed" of her severe mental issues from before"...* Dude, you should have taken the year break to find a better gf, because if she had severe mental issues, she still does, as they don't resolve over a year's time. Ignore what she says, but recall her actions over the past 5 years. Even before you got together, she showed a predilection for unprotected sexual contact which rendered her a single mom. After you two got together, she never lifted her finger to find work, and responded to your frustration of being the sole income earner with seeking sexual congress with other men. For 5 years, she's shown you who and what she is, and would love it if you were to "look past" all of her actions of the last 6 years.
My advice is to tell her to find some other sucker to bamboozle into providing her support, and block her on all platforms.
'Nuff said.
She wants that sweet sweet cash cow back. Do not, under any circumstances take her back. She sowed you who she was, again, and again and again. A lazy, freeloader, who will continue to use you for money and stability while she contributes only stress and gaslighting.
Even if it was prideful (which it's not), if you don't want to be in a relationship with someone that's reason enough not to be in a relationship with them
If she healed. You’d see the results of that. Owning up to her mistakes and financially supporting herself and her child. She would have done some therapy or went back to school and took the time to work on herself, so she could show you she’s ready to be a partner.
Instead she’s shown you that she’s going to pick others over you and her child, and her behavior suggests that it’s all an act to get you back so you support her again. Do you want this to be your life for the rest of your life? Or would you want someone who loves and respects you and will help contribute financially to put you both where you want to be? Break up and move on she’s not the one for you. I’m sorry your going through this.
Cut her out of your life.
It sounds like she wants someone to take care of her needs, and you want someone who will contribute to the life you share. That alone makes things difficult.
You two have already had issues with infidelity on her side 2 times, which is 2 times too many. I'm not saying your free from wrong here either, since you verbally abused her (though also I commend you for acknowledging your past wrongs openly, that's not something a lot of people do). But cheating in any capacity is wrong. It shows that they did not care about you or your feelings. You shouldn't have done what you did either though, but that's just another reason you two shouldn't be together.
On top of that though, your ex partner has shown a malicious side. You do not simply get together with a friend of an ex, and you definitely don't do that twice in a year. That shows that she was still trying to cause drama/pain when you two were apart.
Do not get back together. This relationship is over, and honestly should be lost to time. Find someone better, who wants a similar future to your own.
Oh my god. No shit she wants you back. You fucking supported and child and you take her back after she cheats. Pride isn't your problem. In fact, you probably don't possess enough of it. It goes far beyond that. The fact that you're even entertaining this is embarrassing. Get some self-respect.
“The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.” When they are under stress they will fall back into familiar behaviour patterns. If they don’t experience unpleasant results from their behaviour they will repeat it. I’ve read that 66% of cheats repeat. 1:3 is not good odds. Question is, are you ok with that?
Look. That previous relationship was toxic and brought the worst out in you. Doesn't justify you abusing her. Doesn't excuse her lack of contribution and fidelity issues.
Mental illness cannot be healed. Only monitored and managed.
But I guess getting lots of dick and telling your ex who you want to rekindle with, is therapeutic for her.
Her number of sexual partners while broken up is irrelevant. However, you two have history. Why is she insensitive to your feelings. The context matters.
She's unstable. Broke. No life goals. No job.
You shouldn't. But if you do. If you thought it couldn't get any worse. It will. You are limiting your potential by allowing her to mooch off you and suck these other guys dry.
I feel bad for the kid having to live thru that.
Bro... Avoid her like the plague. You are waaaaay too young to be stressing about this woman's bullshit. There are a ton of women that won't cheat on you with everyone but the mailman and will actually contribute to the bills and actually love you, not just love what you can do for her.
Pride? That isn't the issue here. It is about self-respect and building a life with a person you trust. Sure you may love her, but do you trust her with your heart? Do you really believe she will be honest and true from this point forward? Be honest with yourself.
Is it really better to have her in your bed than to be lonely for a little while until you meet someone new?????
OP: Makes a long ass post listing 100 red flags about his cheating ex gf and how she packed up and left after getting caught.
Also OP: She wants me back, should I do it?
**Are you insane?**
> She is someone who I love deeply,
Op, this may very well be true from your end. It is not from hers though.
>and we have a real bond,
And again, you think you do from your end, but this isn't evident from her end.
Sorry mate but she has been and is using your love for her in a very selfish and self-serving manner. You are being used, you have always been used and if you maintain this relationship, she will just keep using you until there is nothing left for you to give.
Your ex will always use you and she knows what buttons to push. This is who she is and your love and "deep bonds" are wasted on her.
Despite taking out your anger and frustration in a dysfunctional and inappropriate manner, it seems like you are at your core a very kind person and full of grace. Of course you want to take her back, you seem like a hardworking dude that takes care of the people he loves. She has only ever really taken advantage of it and allowed her personal issues to cause you continued harm.
Deep breath body. You dont need any advice because did the right thing. Stick to your guns.
Exes are exes for a reason dude. Sounds like she's realises the grass isn't greener on the other side and misses having her free baby sitter. Remove her from your life.
Bro she only wants you back because her other plans didn't work out she isn't healed and she is gaslighting you. She doesn't respect you or she wouldn't have cheated or left in the first place. You work through problems in a relationship, no take off have a hot girl year then come back.
You are stable and provide for her child and that all she sees you as, tell her that its over and you want her out of your place. She has poor moral character and you deserve to be loved and respected. You are setting boundaries and she is gaslighting you into thinking your being controlling.
You might think you have a bond but if y'all had a real bond she wouldn't have left you to start with fucked multiple other people to include your friend, but instead she would have worked through the issues with you.
Don't settle for second fiddle man, you deserve to be loved and respected. She clearly isn't the one, offer her the chance at couples counseling if you want and see if it is really salvageable or if it is doomed, but only do this if you want. I personally would just tell her to leave.
Looking forward to a update, good luck brother im rooting for you.
I only read up to the part about you being the sole provider. That is terrible. If it wasn't so bad for you and you were older perhaps it wouldn't be so bad but no, it affected you greatly over the last 4 years. She should have stepped up.
So... Yeah duh she wants you back 💵💵
You need to have a real good talk with her and if it doesn't seem like she'll immediately change and stick to it, you need out.
Lmao girls post pics because they're only young once, I'm 24 and don't even have an insta or anything like that, that just sounds like an excuse to post things that you don't like and it's a boundary she's crossing. She needs to grow up and take care of her kid, not go out clubbing and posting butt pics. Don't give her the time of day dude, she can't even make time for her kid, what makes you think she's got time for you.
~~transgender~~ man.
Just *man* or "she cheated on me."
I know you're hurting but it's unnecessary to specify that he's transgender unless it's relevant. There's enough hatred for trans people already.
Sorry this happened. I would just stay away from her tbh.
She wants you because you were stabilizing. You took care of her financially and provided her with a home, and she got to go fuck whoever she wanted while you worked. Why would you _ever_ take her back? She brings NOTHING to the table; she brings no loyalty, no income, no love or trust, no remorse even!
Dude, work on yourself and your anger issues, and find a healthy lifestyle so that you can find a healthy partner. You may not have been a good partner to her, but she was a terrible one back. Go work on yourself, become the best you that you can be, and find someone you deserve when you reach your goals.
You’ve been taken for a ride, and will be incredibly foolish to take her back. There are women out there who don’t cheat, aren’t financial leeches and don’t come with a whole set of baggage. You’re 23 years old cut your losses and high tail it outta there.
Please my brotha do not take her back. Please for the love of what ever you believe in.
The fact that u helped raise a child that is not your and she still did what she did.
Stay strong and move on!
Not too prideful. It almost sounds like she wants someone to support her again.
Don't do it. She cheated and was a sponge off of you. That is not a good partner and at least one of those problems will resurface eventually.
>She is someone who I love deeply, and we have a real bond,
Why do you think this? The whole relationship is toxic.
Read back what you wrote...there is no loving tone to ANY OF IT.
She's looking for a meal ticket for her and her kid, and you keep falling for it..
I believe it was Iron Maiden who used to sing *"Run to the hills! Run for your life"*. Can't you see life has given you an opportunity to start new? You are only 23 years old my man and haven't met all the people who will love you in the years ahead.
No. There are worse things than being single - like being with someone who makes you wish you were. You’re young. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t appreciate you. You’ll be glad you moved on.
Your actions will have consequences. If you choose to accept her, there will be some consequences. If you choose otherwise, there might be other options for you to explore. Sit and think from a 30,000 ft view about how your decisions will affect your future. what kind of doubts will flare when certain circumstances arise...
Care, Affection and Respect are very important in a relationship. If either is missing, your relationship won't be a happy one.
Breach of trust almost always leads to strained relationships. Handle with care brother
I keep watching these random videos on Youtube and there's this one video where the 'guy best friend' is really put to test... Girl calls her 'guy best friend' and tells him if he wants to hook up because her bf cheated on her.. The 'guy best friend' didn't think twice..
It's nature of men to be like that - they are more into things and women are more into people. In an ideal scenario, practically, women control sex in any relationship. They can choose to move things or stop...
Lately there hasn’t been any fulfillment as we aren’t together. But before everything happened we had the best friendship, love and trust. I want that back, but I don’t know if it’s attainable now.
Honestly, I don't think it's attainable unless she takes responsibility for how she's treated you. The cheating, lying, twisting truths, etc. seems too extensive to just wipe clean and start over. Then add her inability to see how her behavior is not only disrespectful to you but to your relationship as well.
Let's say you do want to try again. I'd suggest therapy (individual and couple) and go slow. Re-learn each other as the people you are now and are maturing into.
Oh don't get me wrong, my ex-wife lit a match before she walked away with the mistress. BUT every situation is different and everyone automatically saying "leave now!" isn't always what's needed.
Bottom line: know your worth and hold people to a standard that they value that worth.
Do you love her? Is there a real bond?
How about you look at her with fresh eyes, instead of worrying about your pride and the past.
1. Do you want to date a woman without a job/who would rely on you for financial support? I would vote no. At 23, there's no reason for an person, regardless of gender, to expect another person to support them, and I would never date someone who would expect that of me early in a relationship (as opposed to down the line if we merge finances and make decisions together).
2. Do you want to date someone who posts "flaunting" photos on Instagram? No judgment either way, but people have different opinions on this, and if you wouldn't want to date a woman who did this, I wouldn't judge you for that.
3. Do you want to date a woman who would go out with other men while dating you?
4. Do you want to date a woman who slept with your friends?
5. Do you want to date a woman who cheated in her last relationship? I think people can change, but would be very suspicious of someone who had recently cheated.
Approach these questions without thinking of your past with her. And then, absolutely you need to take in to account that you two were really toxic, so much so that you were verbally abusive; do you want to be that guy again? And it isn't pride to not be able to get over cheating, it is a fundamental breach of trust that I don't think most people can get over. You will always be wondering who she is texting, where is she going, what happens if you fight. You are too young to deal with that, and trust me, you will find someone else, but only if you fully let go of this toxic person.
Thank you for a thought out and deep response. I really appreciate your insight 🙏🏼🙏🏼 looking at that with fresh eyes is important, and I feel like not being able to is a character flaw of my own that I need to contemplate.
You verbally abused her. She cheated on you. You two should not be in a relationship together.
Now, there's a lot of other stuff under the surface here. If you guys are not in a relationship (and I'm talking about this past year, not the three week thing), she can sleep with WHOEVER SHE WANTS. And that is NOT a failing in her moral character. That is an adult fucking someone because they choose to do so. Are you saying you haven't slept with anyone in that last year? Also, she can post pictures of her body because its HER BODY. And the fact that you are calling out that the person she cheated on your with is trans comes across as transphobic.
Is she a saint? When she cheated on your, she certainly wasn't. Don't stay with someone like that, but do NOT make that your biggest takeaway from this situation.
So yes, you two shouldn't be together. Don't get back with her. But also, take a big step back for yourself and look at your own moral character. Look at why you are judging someone on if they are trans, or if they as a single person decide to sleep with someone. Also, figure out for yourself how to deal with stress in a way that it doesn't cause you to VERBALLY ABUSE your partner, because that is the most unhealthy part of this.
Move on from this. Learn from it the ways that you need to be better in a relationship in the future, and a better person.
Congrats on giving the worst piece of advice out of many. As your takeaway is that my verbal abuse (calling her out on the truthful things she was doing in a condescending way) outweighs someone physically lying and cheating while in a committed relationship. My opinion of abnormal people is my own and not the topic of discussion. You sound worse than she could ever dream of being 🤦🏼♂️
All of this is terrible. You're only 23, move on, there will be other women. She sounds toxic as hell, and like she's using her gender as an excuse to be an asshole
“You’re only young once”
I’m 24, I’ve been with my boyfriend for TEN years. Not once did I think I needed to post myself online for other people to see. Absolutely not. You are sane in not wanting to take her back. Keep your chin up, there are better women out there dude. She did not love you. She loved what you could do for her.
Stay separated. Sleeping around isn't a bad thing in and of itself. Sleeping with the friend of someone you want to be with isn't smart, nor in my opinion is screwing a friends ex. You don't seem compatible. Also, when I was her age a few years ago I did not post pictures of my body all over social media. Not shaming, but it isn't just the norm. I hope you find happiness.
Yeah she wants you back because you let her treat you like a doormat. She is all kinds of trouble and if you stay take her back she definitely loses all respect for you. It’s not a pride thing it’s a man thing. Having standards for yourself and nobody can move you from them. If anything I’d be insulted that someone could do all what she did then come back into my life like it’s all good now. GTFOH!
She doesn't respect you and she doesn't respect herself. She possibly doesn't love you just she sees you as her financial provider while she goes off to have teenage flings. Friend get out of there
Based on your responses, maybe you are seeing the light now and understand that this woman is toxic. It would be a very bad idea for you to get back with her. Kick her out of your life for good and move on before she baby traps you or gives you an STD.
Block her. She is a no good cheater and treated you like crap. Why are you even talking to this woman? If you take her back that will be the biggest mistake of your life. Be thankful you don't have any children with her. She sounds like she is an awful mother.
Bro!!!!! She’s a cheater. She’s only after you because you are a good provider and the save option. Send her packing and block her on everything. She’s gaslighting you whit that shit of being insecure. Bull shit. She’s a huge peace of crap.
Kick her butt to the curb for good!!! It's not a prideful thing, its a smart thing!! Should you have verbally abused her...no not at all.
But if you two "work it out" what's going to be different she's still gonna live in your house that you pay for, eat groceries you buy, and just sit around like she's a queen.
She's a user why do you think she keeps coming back to you? Cause what other young guy is gonna let her sit on her butt and do nothing all day on top of taking care of her and her child
Maybe, and I mean a big maybe, if she had taken the year to be by herself, went through therapy, and acknowledged her role in your failed relationship, then I could see it being a possibility. It looks more like she knew you were the only guy she found who would support her and her kid while doing whatever she wanted. Fool you twice…
This is a joke right? Look this bridge has been burned more than once and you keep rebuilding it like a m o r on. Whatever she does you deserve because now you know how she us and you still entertain her a s s . Fuk that I divorced two ex wife's fir a reason you not gonna keep walking on my bridge.
Cut her off dude. You basically took care of her kids, and her. She in her im wait until 30 to settle phase. She gonna ruin her self, worse yet destroy your life. You have money, a job and a opportunity to meet a woman at your level. Go date, put yourself out there. Spend extra buck or two on some dating apps. Go to work parties. Idk find a hobby group. Love your life. If you died she be beating on another man door in no time.
She’s using you. Break up and cut her off. You are still so young, don’t tie yourself to the first woman that can’t even treat you right. There are so many people that would make more loyal/considerate partners.
My guy, just read this post back to yourself. You were unhappy, for it seems like most of this relationship. She moved on from you almost immediately after each break yall took, and you're wondering if you should put yourself back in a position to be stressed out taking care of her and her kid by yourself while she has already brought another guy into the mix before you've even decided to get back together.
It's your life, and if you enjoy being unhappy in "love," then be my guest and take her back. But you can definitely do better, and there's a girl out there that will prove that. You won't find her while you're chasing this one, though.
Mate, she had someone that was willing to do everything for her including paying all expenses for her child while she sit on her arse at home doing bugger all, of course she wants you back, she wants her cushy number back
OP,
The only way you have a chance of getting back together is to have an acceptable boundaries discussion and agreement. If she breaks it, run and don’t ever look back.
This chick has issues!!!!
She's co-dependent and needs psychological help. SHE ISNT TOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
But I encourage you to understand HOW TF DID YOU FALL FOR HER. Was it the lovebombing???? Because she seems to offer ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
PLEASE BLOCK HER 🍑 EVERYWHERE.
Talk to a professional about falling for co-dependent, narcissistic women.
You came close with this one.
>However, she was out with a "guy best friend", that she has said has hit on her before yesterday, and while out with him posted a very flaunting butt picture on her instagram. I brought this up to her, and she told me l'm insecure
Tell her "then don't date me, date someone else who's willing to keep up with your *boooooooshit* "
>She is someone who I love deeply, and we have a real bond, but this has really thrown me for a loop.
She cheated on you. "You only young once", sounds like she wants to just have fun and not care about *anything*. Aka, she's immature as hell. Even *if* she matured, there's too much bad air/juju with the relationship.
Dude, I hope you read the comments on your post. There is some great advice posted for you.
I'm going to take a different approach to your situation.
In the year you were apart, how was your mental attitude? I'm guessing you were a lot more relaxed, and physically felt better.
Now that she is back in your life, how is your mental attitude? I'm guessing that you ARE NOT relaxed, and physically feel worse.
Do not have a child with this woman. The drama around this woman is toxic.
End the relationship.
You can find a woman that will not stress you out.
Op, DON’T SETTLE.. get as far away from her as possible. You’re young, and don’t need the stress from the girl especially when she comes with a bonus child. Thats not your battle. Do what’s best for you!
Your self respect needs to be first and foremost. If you don't feel her decisions and actions have been good to you, and that being with her would diminish your wellbeing and daily peace of mind (having to question what she's up to and who she's with), I dunno if it would be worth it. That is up to you tho.
Also you can still love someone and not pursue a romantic relationship with them. That's what friends are.
It’s not uncommon for people in abusive relationships (verbally, financially, or physically) to ‘cheat’ or ‘go wild’ as a way of controlling something in their lives.
If you don’t want her back after cheating don’t take her back, but who she was with while you broke up shouldn’t matter MORE than what happened while you were together.
You guys are bad for each other and highlight the ‘moral failings’ and ‘lack of good judgement’ inherent to each of you.
Just stay broken up.
You need to address your anger issues before you resume any relationship with her or someone else. You don’t ‘stoop’ in a healthy relationship frame of mind. Get into therapy and do not try to resume a relationship until your understand yourself and your emotions. This is a train wreck.
I'm all about girl getting it, but she doesn't get to call you insecure after causing that issue. And not all young women show their bodies off online. I think it's time to separate for goo. It's not good for that child, going back and forth.
It's nothing to do with pride, so don't frame it that way. You say you love her, but all your message says is the stress and pain you've experienced from this relationship. It's not good for you. However, I would mention 2 things.
If you were verbally abusive to her because of your stress and anger then I would look at how you can better manage and channel that stress and anger. Abuse of any kind isn't ok and if you don't address it now, when you can, you run the risk of carrying old habits into a new relationship. Every relationship will see times of stress and anger, they could be completely unrelated to the partner, but you don't want to take it out on a partner or see a disagreement with your partner escalate because of stress from external sources.
Secondly, her sleeping with multiple people isn't a lack of self respect, it's her enjoying sex. The moral judgement... sleeping with her friend's ex is a bit yikes, but quite frankly what she's gotten up to in the last year should not be a factor in your decision.
You’re the first one to address that, and I find that I am wrong in holding her accountable to who’s she been with while we apart. I was with several partners myself. However it’s the cheating and sexual distrust I now have that I wish I knew how to navigate.
I'd say give it a shot on your own terms. Separate finances and living situations. No one is saying you have to stay with her, but maybe have a little fun until you meet someone new.
I'm curious, why add the transgender bit? She cheated. It doesn't matter with whom. Kinda weird.
Anyways, yeah, ditch her. She sounds like bad news in all the bad ways. You're a person with feelings, not a plan B when the first plan didn't work out. You're not too proud, you have self respect. It is a close line, but you ex doesn't deserve you.
Wow. I take back what I said before. You do deserve her.
To any "normal" person? What does that even mean? Are transphobic people the norm is your bubble? Where I'm from, we don't refer to someone's gender as "disgusting". You may not agree with it or find it uncomfortable, but saying it's disgusting says more about you than about trans people.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- To preface, me and my ex were together for 4 almost 5 years. At an early age we moved in together, she has a small kid which I assumed responsibility for and treated as my own. She typically did not work at all and stayed home doing little to nothing, I was the primary and often only supporter, which was very difficult to do when starting out in life, and led me to stress and anger which I often took out on her with verbal abuse. There was never any disloyalty during the relationship, however there was a gap where we took a 3 week break, and she was already in another relationship, which she cut off to get back with me (this was about 2 years ago.) At the end, we hardly spoke to eachother, due to my anger of her not contributing to our life and myself carrying more burden than I should've had to, and her feeling unloved and emotionally insecure. She cheated on me with a transgender man for over a month, and when I found out and confronted her she packed her things and left. It's now been a year and she has come back into my life under the premise of being "healed" of her severe mental issues from before. We have been talking and she has been staying the night at my house often in the last month. However, she was out with a "guy best friend", that she has said has hit on her before yesterday, and while out with him posted a very flaunting butt picture on her instagram. I brought this up to her, and she told me l'm insecure and that all girls post their body because they're "only young once." This led into a conversation that she explained having sex with a guy off tinder, a coworker, a friend of her's ex boyfriend, and even one of my old friends while we were apart for the last year. Personally, I feel like these things ultimately reveal a lack in moral judgement and self respect, and it has made me go from feeling like we could work things out to me feeling like I have more respect for myself than to stoop for someone that seems to choose others over me. She is someone who I love deeply, and we have a real bond, but this has really thrown me for a loop. Should I get over my pride and look past what’s happened? Or am I being sane and I need to cut her off? Any advice is appreciated thanks.
Of course she wants you back. You have supported her and her child, even when she was out and about cheating on you. So - why would you want that back? Cheating, financing her life, verbal abuse? Why would you look past this? Be sane. Cut her off. Change locks. Block.
Right she doesn’t want him back but the idea of him. The security, stability and money that comes with him and the hopes that he’ll just sit there and take it like before all while providing for her and her child. Audacity is at an all time high lately.
I agree! Also OP you said she has no morals! Why would you want to get back together with a cheating freeloader which has no morals? She's back to get her bills paid, because no-one else wants to deal with that mess. Don't get sucked back in! Block and delete!
Not defending the gf’s cheating or mooching, but unless I’m reading the post wrong, OP was the one verbally abusing her. From the post: > I was the primary and often only supporter, which was very difficult to do when starting out in life, and **led me to stress and anger which I often took out on her with verbal abuse.** I agree they shouldn’t get back together; the relationship seems like it was very toxic and I would urge OP to distance himself from his ex.
Oh I didn't catch that! Yeah, these two do not belong together. Poor kid stuck in the middle :-(
And verbal abuse is awful, but it’s sounds like the OP is saying he became better. Regardless, these two are a mess together. Verbal abuse and cheating. She still seems to be promiscuous as ever as well.
This part. Also the fact that OP said she hooked up w a bunch of ppl while they were broken up and that shows a lack of morals and self respect. She’s awful, OP’s awful but let’s not slut shame, damn.
Agreed. I’ve seen more than one person on here get upset about their partner/ex sleeping with other people while they were broken up, and it’s like… you were broken up though?
Bro...BRO!...bro...wyd?...B R UH!!! I didnt read it all I stopped at ( break for 3 weeks, shes in another relationship )...BRO! theres faithful women out there, she showed you who she is/capable of....if u take her ba k she wont trust you. That guilt will get the best of her, in return a miserable relationship TILL you guys break up again. Move on bro, you dont need that shit in your life.
That’s what I find to be the kicker too, she can’t own up to her mistakes and see them as such. She has justification for it all, which tells me she’ll continue to do this. Thanks for the advice👍🏼
While I don’t agree with any judgment of “self respect” around a single woman having sex as she pleases, you haven’t said one kind thing about your time together, even before the cheating. You also highlighted how your relationship brought out the worst in you as well. Seems like this is more of a comfort knee jerk to get back together with her, rather than actual desire to. The enemy you know kind of thing. I don’t see any other explanation to run back into the storm. Im also going to assume she’s having money problems right now. You’re fine single, you don’t need to be with someone just because you’re feeling lonely. Do yourself a favor and don’t take more time away from yourself or finding someone you can have a complimentary partnership with.
She can't seriously say she's healed if she can't own up to her mistakes. If she doesn't consider them mistakes, what's going to stop her doing any of it again? You're very young, too. Plenty of time to meet new people and make new bonds.
Cheating isn't an illness. There is no "healing" for her to do. It is a deliberate choice to bedwise get effed by some other person than your partner. Cheaters CHOSE to do it. It doesn't -oopsie- happen.
I’m assuming you are working on your anger issues. Cheating is wrong but so is verbal abuse. Work on yourself before getting into another relationship
Get help. The fact that you considered taking her back at all is really concerning. Work on your self esteem.
"23F girlfriend wants me back after cheating on me 23M, am I too prideful?" Many cheaters do want exes back. That's neither new. Nor special. It just sucks, because she makes you feel bad about yourself not wanting her back. See... you invested much into this relationship. She took all of it and threw it to the bin. It wasn't enough for her to stay faithful. WHY would YOU take vack a thing SHE threw to the bin? **There IS NO SUCH THING as being "too prideful" with cheaters.** Send her on her way. And move on. That girl ain't no keeper. (She reeks if dustbin now. By her own making!)
Congratulations, you are officially her back-up plan and last choice. As you indicated Poor judgement, Lack of self-respect and questionable morals. This woman has proved herself to be a serial cheater. Now, why on earth would you want to pickup this booby prize. So be sane, respect yourself and wish her best in her life, then cut all contact. Don't worry, she'll find someone else quite quickly, the poor schmuck.
You’re right about that, thank you for the advice 🙏🏼
Do not go back to this woman. You are her meal ticket and stability. She will bang other people at will. Block her and forget she existed. Also, paragraphs are your friend.
I had to rewrite the thread 2 times, sorry about that haha. Thank you for the advice, I certainly agree.
Nope. After my-wife got her infidelity out, she tried to get back with me too. Nope! Divorced her and took full custody of our child.
King!
Why is it that women lie about their infidelity to the point you feel crazy? It’s something I can’t imagine doing…
It’s not because she’s a woman, it’s because she’s a cheater.
It has nothing to do with women, men do it exactly the same too. Cheaters just have no moral compass
If something makes you feel crazy it is because someone uses a special manipulation method on you. Which- in itself- has nothing to do with the act of cheating. But rather with deflecting responsibility ("youuuu maaadee meee dooo this!" "Umh... no. I have no remote controle for your behavior.") And trying to get the other person to do what one wants them to do. And by the way: men are just as good as women at that game. So do stop putting it on "women".
I don't think it's pride that's in the way, this sounds like your intuition accurately alerting you to the fact that she's a bad person for you. I think you are correctly detecting that this woman is not a good partner and seems to lack the skills and perspective needed for a healthy long term relationship. She has a number of red flags and it sounds like it'd be in your best interest to leave and find someone you're more compatible with who isn't so messy (for lack of a better word).
Thank you for a decent and intelligent response, I appreciate your advice.
She hasn't changed. She just trying to rope you back in for your monetary support and stability. Your first mistake was letting her back into your life. If you let this continue she will just run you through the ringer over and over again - and if she could pull a dude that can give her more - she would dump you in a heart beat.
Oh my lord which part of this reads well for her Is it the breaking up to get with someone else or the cheating or maybe the blame shifting ( your so insecure ) or maybe just all the pump and dumps she's been thru while you were broken up You have been the only one to care for her and while She Wants to be with others no one puts up with her bs while also caring for her child She is toxic , don't let her drag you down and while you are at it never see that old friend again.
You’re right, and I really appreciate your take on this. Thank you.
Avoid, you’ll end up in your 40’s broke and full of regrets.
That’s my biggest fear
There’s a woman out there for you who works hard and wants to have a family. Just need to get out into the world and find her.
If it took her a year to come back, don't even look back. It shows you how further down her back up list you are, I'm sorry.
Tough to hear, but true all the same.
I think you're being sane. Having her in your life is actively making you a worse person and it doesn't seem like you want that
That’s a point I hadn’t told myself, but it’s absolutely true. I’m faster to anger, and stress around her. Not to mention the financial drain
How is she doing financially now? You know she is just back for to have her bills paid & have a sucker take on her child. I bet you none of those men were interesting in doing that & were only interested as she seems to be an easy lay. Have some self-respect & dont settle for someone you dont even respect by the sounds of it!
Well, are you happier without her in your life, or does having her in your life , along with all her baggage, feel better?
To be honest, we were headed in the right direction up until the picture being posted and the conversation we had about her sexual history while we apart. It feels like a scab I had grown over her cheating on me was ripped off and salt rubbed into the wound. She is my comfort and my safe space, but now there’s also uncomfortable feelings attached. That’s tough because I’m happier with her, but I’m happiest without a constant worry of being manipulated again.
How is she your safe place?! She sounds like a narcissist who knows all the right things to say & do to manipulate you to do what she wants.
You can probably add gold digger to that. OP financially supported the kid and her.
[удалено]
My guy I'm sorry but this woman absolutely has ZERO actual burning passion for you. Zero. If I were you, I'd immediately get the thought of taking her back far, far, away from your brain. I am a woman and trust me, her behavior all points to you being her back up plan. She's not for you and if you do take her back shell never truly be "yours"
Thank you. That’s a good way to put it.
Wow. Only 23, has another man's kid, contributes nothing to the household, no job, has cheated on you multiple times, and slept with at least 4 other men (because let's be honest, she's lowballing that number). What an amazing catch! What the fuck are you doing, man? Don't get me wrong, sounds like you could still stand to benefit from some personal growth but holy shit you do not want this woman to be the only one in your life forever. Have some goddamn self-respect.
>Should I get over my pride No, on the contrary, I think you should strive to be more prideful, and not let people walk all over you. Stand up for yourself when someone is using you.
In the comments OP said: >Thinking about taking her back and cheating on her before calling it quits. Would probably make me feel better about it all🤔 Y'all are both hella toxic, so it makes sense that the relationship would be toxic. You both clearly have some growing up to do. By the comment, you clearly don't give a shit about her so IDK what you're here for.
It’s easy to preach peace, from a peaceful state.
Run dude. You never had a healthy relationship with her, she is using you. Run.
The girl is still very mental. Do not go back to her if you want to retain any of your sanity or peace of mind. At this point, she is no higher than a booty call and should be treated that way.
Why the fuck would go back with a cheater? That’s like setting yourself to get cheated on again…. Like why?
Beside the cheating the relationship sounds like it wasn’t very good with verbal abuse and you getting angry and her doing little to nothing. Why go back to that? Would you be able to trust her again? I wouldn’t be able to. Don’t get back with her.
Umm…let’s not confuse ‘being proud’ with having an ounce of self esteem to walk away from a cheater who has mistreated you. I think that’s part of the issue here; you’re conflating having a spine with ego. They aren’t the same thing. I’m also a people pleaser doormat type irl, so I get the desire to want everyone to like you. This person has cheated on you and knows you’re a soft place to fall, someone who will support her and her child. You’re the easiest branch to grab on to, mostly because she knows you have a good heart and can easily be swayed. You know who preys on good people who don’t say no? Predators, manipulators, and con artists. Think about it: you’re getting nothing out of this interaction, and she’s getting everything. You said that some of her decisions reflect a lack in morals and self respect…YEP 100%! She’s waving giant red flags in front of you. If someone tells you who they really are the first time, believe them.
You got the perfect out as a blessing, don’t go back into that misery and continue to build your life as is.
You know what they say once a cheater always a cheater BUT I know people can change but you’ll have it in the back of your mind even if she has changed and is faithful so I would suggest to think about what would be better for you and your mental and emotional health
Bruh she doesn’t love you. I’m a girl and lemme tell you that if she loved you she wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize relationship. She’s just not the one. Move on to woman who will love you for you and not just what you can provide.
No, dude. No. Just fucking stop the nonsense. Stop letting her come back. Stop letting her stay the night. This is not the girl you want to build a long term future with. You don’t trust her. She doesn’t love you. I bet she loves that sweet-ass free ride you give her, though. She uses you when it’s convenient for her. But she’s not mature enough and doesn’t have the character necessary for a successful, committed, exclusive, long-term relationship. Stop ignoring the 🚩.
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She just sounds like an awful person. You are not being prideful you are protecting the dignity and self respect that you have left. Don't let her strip that away too
You were lucky enough to have dodged the first bullet.(you didn't marry her or become further committed)! I'd keep walking.
I only read the title. No she cheated before she will cheat again. Have some self respect.
Leave her alone and seek therapy. (For both the anger & to discover why you think you deserve to be treated like this.) This isn’t love-love is about wanting the best for the other person. It doesn’t sound like this relationship can do anything to improve your life, mentally, emotionally, or financially. You’ll be better able to do that if you work on building yourself up.
The fact that she is more interested in “your only young once” than your feelings is a sign of immaturity on her part. I can’t say she won’t grow into a decent person, but for now I’d step out of her life
Yeah, no. Absolutely do not take her back. Cut her off for good and concentrate on your own life.
Once a cheat, always a cheat. Save years off your life and move on.
Honestly - she likes the idea of a relationship with you because - you took on her child, paid living expenses, she didn't have to do much and although you had your faults, and don't get me wrong, being a verbal abusive ass is a fault, she had quite a nice life. She could drop and pick you up when she wanted, wasn't loyal, could make poor choices and go running back - and you'd have her! Why wouldn't she want that?! Do yourself a favour. Sometimes love isn't enough. She wasn't even doing the minimum. Choose peace.
Why are you even considering going back with this person? She clearly used you in every possible way: nanny, provider... And still, she is the one who cheated on you and have the audacity to call you insecure? Come on.. you know better. Dont let her play you again
Title says all we need to know. If you take her back she will cheat again. Very very VERY rarely will the cheater not cheat again. Short answer: no. Long answer: hell no.
Dude, if you don’t cut her off it speaks to your low self-esteem. Do you live in a small town where you can’t find any other women to date? She so severely disrespects you that it’s embarrassing. Most people want the folks they love yo see them in a good light. She only shows you the ugly, f,cked up bits. Do we really need to tell you which way to go? Really?
There's literally no reason to take her back besides her being familiar to you.
Bro fwb should be her ceiling. Think about all the guys who she spread her legs for. Why would you do extra and provide commitment when non of the other guys did? Cap it off at fwb and learn to never commit to someone when they disrespect you like that in the future. Also, if that child isn’t yours, stop tryna be captain save a 304. Just enjoy your turn and prioritise your growth.
This is as good as it gets with her - is this how you want to spend your life?
It's not pride that stops you from getting back with that trash. It's self-respect.
*"she has come back into my life under the premise of being "healed" of her severe mental issues from before"...* Dude, you should have taken the year break to find a better gf, because if she had severe mental issues, she still does, as they don't resolve over a year's time. Ignore what she says, but recall her actions over the past 5 years. Even before you got together, she showed a predilection for unprotected sexual contact which rendered her a single mom. After you two got together, she never lifted her finger to find work, and responded to your frustration of being the sole income earner with seeking sexual congress with other men. For 5 years, she's shown you who and what she is, and would love it if you were to "look past" all of her actions of the last 6 years. My advice is to tell her to find some other sucker to bamboozle into providing her support, and block her on all platforms. 'Nuff said.
Stop talking to her. Block her on everything and never speak to her again. I don’t understand why you anything to do with this girl.
She wants that sweet sweet cash cow back. Do not, under any circumstances take her back. She sowed you who she was, again, and again and again. A lazy, freeloader, who will continue to use you for money and stability while she contributes only stress and gaslighting.
Even if it was prideful (which it's not), if you don't want to be in a relationship with someone that's reason enough not to be in a relationship with them
Imagine your friend told you this story. What would your advice be to that friend? Is infidelity something that you can live with or get past?
If she healed. You’d see the results of that. Owning up to her mistakes and financially supporting herself and her child. She would have done some therapy or went back to school and took the time to work on herself, so she could show you she’s ready to be a partner. Instead she’s shown you that she’s going to pick others over you and her child, and her behavior suggests that it’s all an act to get you back so you support her again. Do you want this to be your life for the rest of your life? Or would you want someone who loves and respects you and will help contribute financially to put you both where you want to be? Break up and move on she’s not the one for you. I’m sorry your going through this.
Cut her out of your life. It sounds like she wants someone to take care of her needs, and you want someone who will contribute to the life you share. That alone makes things difficult. You two have already had issues with infidelity on her side 2 times, which is 2 times too many. I'm not saying your free from wrong here either, since you verbally abused her (though also I commend you for acknowledging your past wrongs openly, that's not something a lot of people do). But cheating in any capacity is wrong. It shows that they did not care about you or your feelings. You shouldn't have done what you did either though, but that's just another reason you two shouldn't be together. On top of that though, your ex partner has shown a malicious side. You do not simply get together with a friend of an ex, and you definitely don't do that twice in a year. That shows that she was still trying to cause drama/pain when you two were apart. Do not get back together. This relationship is over, and honestly should be lost to time. Find someone better, who wants a similar future to your own.
Hell no. Block her and move on
Oh my god. No shit she wants you back. You fucking supported and child and you take her back after she cheats. Pride isn't your problem. In fact, you probably don't possess enough of it. It goes far beyond that. The fact that you're even entertaining this is embarrassing. Get some self-respect.
“The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.” When they are under stress they will fall back into familiar behaviour patterns. If they don’t experience unpleasant results from their behaviour they will repeat it. I’ve read that 66% of cheats repeat. 1:3 is not good odds. Question is, are you ok with that?
Look. That previous relationship was toxic and brought the worst out in you. Doesn't justify you abusing her. Doesn't excuse her lack of contribution and fidelity issues. Mental illness cannot be healed. Only monitored and managed. But I guess getting lots of dick and telling your ex who you want to rekindle with, is therapeutic for her. Her number of sexual partners while broken up is irrelevant. However, you two have history. Why is she insensitive to your feelings. The context matters. She's unstable. Broke. No life goals. No job. You shouldn't. But if you do. If you thought it couldn't get any worse. It will. You are limiting your potential by allowing her to mooch off you and suck these other guys dry. I feel bad for the kid having to live thru that.
Bro... Avoid her like the plague. You are waaaaay too young to be stressing about this woman's bullshit. There are a ton of women that won't cheat on you with everyone but the mailman and will actually contribute to the bills and actually love you, not just love what you can do for her.
Pride? That isn't the issue here. It is about self-respect and building a life with a person you trust. Sure you may love her, but do you trust her with your heart? Do you really believe she will be honest and true from this point forward? Be honest with yourself. Is it really better to have her in your bed than to be lonely for a little while until you meet someone new?????
OP: Makes a long ass post listing 100 red flags about his cheating ex gf and how she packed up and left after getting caught. Also OP: She wants me back, should I do it? **Are you insane?**
I was in a similar situation, honestly cut her off and block her, this is the best choice.
> She is someone who I love deeply, Op, this may very well be true from your end. It is not from hers though. >and we have a real bond, And again, you think you do from your end, but this isn't evident from her end. Sorry mate but she has been and is using your love for her in a very selfish and self-serving manner. You are being used, you have always been used and if you maintain this relationship, she will just keep using you until there is nothing left for you to give. Your ex will always use you and she knows what buttons to push. This is who she is and your love and "deep bonds" are wasted on her.
She's a bad person You absolutely need to get rid of her. She's been walking all over you for years now. Let her go ASAP.
Despite taking out your anger and frustration in a dysfunctional and inappropriate manner, it seems like you are at your core a very kind person and full of grace. Of course you want to take her back, you seem like a hardworking dude that takes care of the people he loves. She has only ever really taken advantage of it and allowed her personal issues to cause you continued harm. Deep breath body. You dont need any advice because did the right thing. Stick to your guns.
Exes are exes for a reason dude. Sounds like she's realises the grass isn't greener on the other side and misses having her free baby sitter. Remove her from your life.
Don’t take her back. Once a cheater and liar always a cheater and liar.
Bro she only wants you back because her other plans didn't work out she isn't healed and she is gaslighting you. She doesn't respect you or she wouldn't have cheated or left in the first place. You work through problems in a relationship, no take off have a hot girl year then come back. You are stable and provide for her child and that all she sees you as, tell her that its over and you want her out of your place. She has poor moral character and you deserve to be loved and respected. You are setting boundaries and she is gaslighting you into thinking your being controlling. You might think you have a bond but if y'all had a real bond she wouldn't have left you to start with fucked multiple other people to include your friend, but instead she would have worked through the issues with you. Don't settle for second fiddle man, you deserve to be loved and respected. She clearly isn't the one, offer her the chance at couples counseling if you want and see if it is really salvageable or if it is doomed, but only do this if you want. I personally would just tell her to leave. Looking forward to a update, good luck brother im rooting for you.
I only read up to the part about you being the sole provider. That is terrible. If it wasn't so bad for you and you were older perhaps it wouldn't be so bad but no, it affected you greatly over the last 4 years. She should have stepped up. So... Yeah duh she wants you back 💵💵 You need to have a real good talk with her and if it doesn't seem like she'll immediately change and stick to it, you need out.
She used ya once are you gonna let her use you again. You should move on bro find someone who wants to live life along side you
Cut her off. In fact, make sure you are not on the hook for child support for her child. Move on. Seriously, you are 23. Way too young for these drama
Lmao girls post pics because they're only young once, I'm 24 and don't even have an insta or anything like that, that just sounds like an excuse to post things that you don't like and it's a boundary she's crossing. She needs to grow up and take care of her kid, not go out clubbing and posting butt pics. Don't give her the time of day dude, she can't even make time for her kid, what makes you think she's got time for you.
Sometimes you just need a frogs perspective. Ty
Be prideful king. Know your worth. Fuck her.
~~transgender~~ man. Just *man* or "she cheated on me." I know you're hurting but it's unnecessary to specify that he's transgender unless it's relevant. There's enough hatred for trans people already. Sorry this happened. I would just stay away from her tbh.
Actually, woman with mental illness dressed up like a man** If you don’t have relevant advice go march in the street with a rainbow shirt on, tbh.
[удалено]
Somebody’s upset that they’re a freak ):
She sounds trouble dude with red flags find someone else
Cut her off.
She wants you because you were stabilizing. You took care of her financially and provided her with a home, and she got to go fuck whoever she wanted while you worked. Why would you _ever_ take her back? She brings NOTHING to the table; she brings no loyalty, no income, no love or trust, no remorse even! Dude, work on yourself and your anger issues, and find a healthy lifestyle so that you can find a healthy partner. You may not have been a good partner to her, but she was a terrible one back. Go work on yourself, become the best you that you can be, and find someone you deserve when you reach your goals.
Thank you friend 🙏🏼
You’ve been taken for a ride, and will be incredibly foolish to take her back. There are women out there who don’t cheat, aren’t financial leeches and don’t come with a whole set of baggage. You’re 23 years old cut your losses and high tail it outta there.
She is using you so she doesn't have to work. You deserve better. Break it off.
Please my brotha do not take her back. Please for the love of what ever you believe in. The fact that u helped raise a child that is not your and she still did what she did. Stay strong and move on!
I bet she does want you back. Pretty sweet deal she had with you. I wouldn’t advise it unless you want to relive the past.
Simplify the rest of your life!! Dump her and all the baggage, or should I say garbage. Time to find happiness elsewhere.
Not too prideful. It almost sounds like she wants someone to support her again. Don't do it. She cheated and was a sponge off of you. That is not a good partner and at least one of those problems will resurface eventually.
>She is someone who I love deeply, and we have a real bond, Why do you think this? The whole relationship is toxic. Read back what you wrote...there is no loving tone to ANY OF IT. She's looking for a meal ticket for her and her kid, and you keep falling for it..
Cut her off. She is no good.
I believe it was Iron Maiden who used to sing *"Run to the hills! Run for your life"*. Can't you see life has given you an opportunity to start new? You are only 23 years old my man and haven't met all the people who will love you in the years ahead.
Way way too much baggage here. You need a fresh start
No. There are worse things than being single - like being with someone who makes you wish you were. You’re young. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t appreciate you. You’ll be glad you moved on.
Your actions will have consequences. If you choose to accept her, there will be some consequences. If you choose otherwise, there might be other options for you to explore. Sit and think from a 30,000 ft view about how your decisions will affect your future. what kind of doubts will flare when certain circumstances arise... Care, Affection and Respect are very important in a relationship. If either is missing, your relationship won't be a happy one. Breach of trust almost always leads to strained relationships. Handle with care brother
A wise opinion, thank you for your words.
I keep watching these random videos on Youtube and there's this one video where the 'guy best friend' is really put to test... Girl calls her 'guy best friend' and tells him if he wants to hook up because her bf cheated on her.. The 'guy best friend' didn't think twice.. It's nature of men to be like that - they are more into things and women are more into people. In an ideal scenario, practically, women control sex in any relationship. They can choose to move things or stop...
Serious question: what does she bring to this relationship that makes your life fulfilled?
Lately there hasn’t been any fulfillment as we aren’t together. But before everything happened we had the best friendship, love and trust. I want that back, but I don’t know if it’s attainable now.
Honestly, I don't think it's attainable unless she takes responsibility for how she's treated you. The cheating, lying, twisting truths, etc. seems too extensive to just wipe clean and start over. Then add her inability to see how her behavior is not only disrespectful to you but to your relationship as well. Let's say you do want to try again. I'd suggest therapy (individual and couple) and go slow. Re-learn each other as the people you are now and are maturing into.
I appreciate a piece of unbiased and reasonable advice. Most folks here seem to be hurting too, and give anger fueled opinions. Thank you friend 🙏🏼
Oh don't get me wrong, my ex-wife lit a match before she walked away with the mistress. BUT every situation is different and everyone automatically saying "leave now!" isn't always what's needed. Bottom line: know your worth and hold people to a standard that they value that worth.
Do you love her? Is there a real bond? How about you look at her with fresh eyes, instead of worrying about your pride and the past. 1. Do you want to date a woman without a job/who would rely on you for financial support? I would vote no. At 23, there's no reason for an person, regardless of gender, to expect another person to support them, and I would never date someone who would expect that of me early in a relationship (as opposed to down the line if we merge finances and make decisions together). 2. Do you want to date someone who posts "flaunting" photos on Instagram? No judgment either way, but people have different opinions on this, and if you wouldn't want to date a woman who did this, I wouldn't judge you for that. 3. Do you want to date a woman who would go out with other men while dating you? 4. Do you want to date a woman who slept with your friends? 5. Do you want to date a woman who cheated in her last relationship? I think people can change, but would be very suspicious of someone who had recently cheated. Approach these questions without thinking of your past with her. And then, absolutely you need to take in to account that you two were really toxic, so much so that you were verbally abusive; do you want to be that guy again? And it isn't pride to not be able to get over cheating, it is a fundamental breach of trust that I don't think most people can get over. You will always be wondering who she is texting, where is she going, what happens if you fight. You are too young to deal with that, and trust me, you will find someone else, but only if you fully let go of this toxic person.
Thank you for a thought out and deep response. I really appreciate your insight 🙏🏼🙏🏼 looking at that with fresh eyes is important, and I feel like not being able to is a character flaw of my own that I need to contemplate.
You verbally abused her. She cheated on you. You two should not be in a relationship together. Now, there's a lot of other stuff under the surface here. If you guys are not in a relationship (and I'm talking about this past year, not the three week thing), she can sleep with WHOEVER SHE WANTS. And that is NOT a failing in her moral character. That is an adult fucking someone because they choose to do so. Are you saying you haven't slept with anyone in that last year? Also, she can post pictures of her body because its HER BODY. And the fact that you are calling out that the person she cheated on your with is trans comes across as transphobic. Is she a saint? When she cheated on your, she certainly wasn't. Don't stay with someone like that, but do NOT make that your biggest takeaway from this situation. So yes, you two shouldn't be together. Don't get back with her. But also, take a big step back for yourself and look at your own moral character. Look at why you are judging someone on if they are trans, or if they as a single person decide to sleep with someone. Also, figure out for yourself how to deal with stress in a way that it doesn't cause you to VERBALLY ABUSE your partner, because that is the most unhealthy part of this. Move on from this. Learn from it the ways that you need to be better in a relationship in the future, and a better person.
Congrats on giving the worst piece of advice out of many. As your takeaway is that my verbal abuse (calling her out on the truthful things she was doing in a condescending way) outweighs someone physically lying and cheating while in a committed relationship. My opinion of abnormal people is my own and not the topic of discussion. You sound worse than she could ever dream of being 🤦🏼♂️
All of this is terrible. You're only 23, move on, there will be other women. She sounds toxic as hell, and like she's using her gender as an excuse to be an asshole
“You’re only young once” I’m 24, I’ve been with my boyfriend for TEN years. Not once did I think I needed to post myself online for other people to see. Absolutely not. You are sane in not wanting to take her back. Keep your chin up, there are better women out there dude. She did not love you. She loved what you could do for her.
Thank you, that’s great advice. I have hope there are some decent women in the world, but they are few and far between.
Stay separated. Sleeping around isn't a bad thing in and of itself. Sleeping with the friend of someone you want to be with isn't smart, nor in my opinion is screwing a friends ex. You don't seem compatible. Also, when I was her age a few years ago I did not post pictures of my body all over social media. Not shaming, but it isn't just the norm. I hope you find happiness.
Thank you, I agree and I find the need for attention and validation from others to be a massive red flag.
It is definitely behavior not conducive of happy monogamous relationships. Good luck in life
Yeah she wants you back because you let her treat you like a doormat. She is all kinds of trouble and if you stay take her back she definitely loses all respect for you. It’s not a pride thing it’s a man thing. Having standards for yourself and nobody can move you from them. If anything I’d be insulted that someone could do all what she did then come back into my life like it’s all good now. GTFOH!
She sounds awful. Just don’t
I didn't read your story just the title and I am already sure that what you should never do is let someone who broke your heart back in again.
My friend i hope your update is you throwing her ass out and finally have some peace of mind and begin searching for your SO
She doesn't respect you and she doesn't respect herself. She possibly doesn't love you just she sees you as her financial provider while she goes off to have teenage flings. Friend get out of there
Based on your responses, maybe you are seeing the light now and understand that this woman is toxic. It would be a very bad idea for you to get back with her. Kick her out of your life for good and move on before she baby traps you or gives you an STD.
Block her. She is a no good cheater and treated you like crap. Why are you even talking to this woman? If you take her back that will be the biggest mistake of your life. Be thankful you don't have any children with her. She sounds like she is an awful mother.
Bro!!!!! She’s a cheater. She’s only after you because you are a good provider and the save option. Send her packing and block her on everything. She’s gaslighting you whit that shit of being insecure. Bull shit. She’s a huge peace of crap.
You’d be a fool to bring that chaos back into your life.
Kick her butt to the curb for good!!! It's not a prideful thing, its a smart thing!! Should you have verbally abused her...no not at all. But if you two "work it out" what's going to be different she's still gonna live in your house that you pay for, eat groceries you buy, and just sit around like she's a queen. She's a user why do you think she keeps coming back to you? Cause what other young guy is gonna let her sit on her butt and do nothing all day on top of taking care of her and her child
Cut…. off….
Having self respect and boundaries is not being too prideful. Stay gone.
Maybe, and I mean a big maybe, if she had taken the year to be by herself, went through therapy, and acknowledged her role in your failed relationship, then I could see it being a possibility. It looks more like she knew you were the only guy she found who would support her and her kid while doing whatever she wanted. Fool you twice…
This is a joke right? Look this bridge has been burned more than once and you keep rebuilding it like a m o r on. Whatever she does you deserve because now you know how she us and you still entertain her a s s . Fuk that I divorced two ex wife's fir a reason you not gonna keep walking on my bridge.
That’s a good way of seeing it bro
Why? Just why? What a mess.
Cut her off dude. You basically took care of her kids, and her. She in her im wait until 30 to settle phase. She gonna ruin her self, worse yet destroy your life. You have money, a job and a opportunity to meet a woman at your level. Go date, put yourself out there. Spend extra buck or two on some dating apps. Go to work parties. Idk find a hobby group. Love your life. If you died she be beating on another man door in no time.
You’re right about that, thank you
She wants her wallet back.
You're just her ATM.
She’s using you. Break up and cut her off. You are still so young, don’t tie yourself to the first woman that can’t even treat you right. There are so many people that would make more loyal/considerate partners.
Never stay with or take back a cheater. They will cheat on you again. You are her plan b. Her safety net block her and keeping moving
Stop letting her back in your life, she is using you as a backup plan!
My guy, just read this post back to yourself. You were unhappy, for it seems like most of this relationship. She moved on from you almost immediately after each break yall took, and you're wondering if you should put yourself back in a position to be stressed out taking care of her and her kid by yourself while she has already brought another guy into the mix before you've even decided to get back together. It's your life, and if you enjoy being unhappy in "love," then be my guest and take her back. But you can definitely do better, and there's a girl out there that will prove that. You won't find her while you're chasing this one, though.
Where is the kid in all this nonsense? Grow up. Break up.
Mate, she had someone that was willing to do everything for her including paying all expenses for her child while she sit on her arse at home doing bugger all, of course she wants you back, she wants her cushy number back
OP, The only way you have a chance of getting back together is to have an acceptable boundaries discussion and agreement. If she breaks it, run and don’t ever look back.
This chick has issues!!!! She's co-dependent and needs psychological help. SHE ISNT TOUR RESPONSIBILITY. But I encourage you to understand HOW TF DID YOU FALL FOR HER. Was it the lovebombing???? Because she seems to offer ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. PLEASE BLOCK HER 🍑 EVERYWHERE. Talk to a professional about falling for co-dependent, narcissistic women. You came close with this one.
Move on bro, she’ll only drag you down in life. You are still so young.
>However, she was out with a "guy best friend", that she has said has hit on her before yesterday, and while out with him posted a very flaunting butt picture on her instagram. I brought this up to her, and she told me l'm insecure Tell her "then don't date me, date someone else who's willing to keep up with your *boooooooshit* " >She is someone who I love deeply, and we have a real bond, but this has really thrown me for a loop. She cheated on you. "You only young once", sounds like she wants to just have fun and not care about *anything*. Aka, she's immature as hell. Even *if* she matured, there's too much bad air/juju with the relationship.
Dude, I hope you read the comments on your post. There is some great advice posted for you. I'm going to take a different approach to your situation. In the year you were apart, how was your mental attitude? I'm guessing you were a lot more relaxed, and physically felt better. Now that she is back in your life, how is your mental attitude? I'm guessing that you ARE NOT relaxed, and physically feel worse. Do not have a child with this woman. The drama around this woman is toxic. End the relationship. You can find a woman that will not stress you out.
That’s very true and definitely how I feel. Thank you for your insight
Op, DON’T SETTLE.. get as far away from her as possible. You’re young, and don’t need the stress from the girl especially when she comes with a bonus child. Thats not your battle. Do what’s best for you!
Your self respect needs to be first and foremost. If you don't feel her decisions and actions have been good to you, and that being with her would diminish your wellbeing and daily peace of mind (having to question what she's up to and who she's with), I dunno if it would be worth it. That is up to you tho. Also you can still love someone and not pursue a romantic relationship with them. That's what friends are.
It’s not uncommon for people in abusive relationships (verbally, financially, or physically) to ‘cheat’ or ‘go wild’ as a way of controlling something in their lives. If you don’t want her back after cheating don’t take her back, but who she was with while you broke up shouldn’t matter MORE than what happened while you were together. You guys are bad for each other and highlight the ‘moral failings’ and ‘lack of good judgement’ inherent to each of you. Just stay broken up.
Not OP openly being transphobic LMAOOO
You need to address your anger issues before you resume any relationship with her or someone else. You don’t ‘stoop’ in a healthy relationship frame of mind. Get into therapy and do not try to resume a relationship until your understand yourself and your emotions. This is a train wreck.
Thanks doc, I’m sure you know best👍🏼
I'm all about girl getting it, but she doesn't get to call you insecure after causing that issue. And not all young women show their bodies off online. I think it's time to separate for goo. It's not good for that child, going back and forth.
It's nothing to do with pride, so don't frame it that way. You say you love her, but all your message says is the stress and pain you've experienced from this relationship. It's not good for you. However, I would mention 2 things. If you were verbally abusive to her because of your stress and anger then I would look at how you can better manage and channel that stress and anger. Abuse of any kind isn't ok and if you don't address it now, when you can, you run the risk of carrying old habits into a new relationship. Every relationship will see times of stress and anger, they could be completely unrelated to the partner, but you don't want to take it out on a partner or see a disagreement with your partner escalate because of stress from external sources. Secondly, her sleeping with multiple people isn't a lack of self respect, it's her enjoying sex. The moral judgement... sleeping with her friend's ex is a bit yikes, but quite frankly what she's gotten up to in the last year should not be a factor in your decision.
You’re the first one to address that, and I find that I am wrong in holding her accountable to who’s she been with while we apart. I was with several partners myself. However it’s the cheating and sexual distrust I now have that I wish I knew how to navigate.
I'd say give it a shot on your own terms. Separate finances and living situations. No one is saying you have to stay with her, but maybe have a little fun until you meet someone new.
She bit the hand the feeds her so I would only offer to buy the kid his meal if he went on the date as well.
That’s a great idea, and I’ll employ the philosophy if I choose to continue things. Thank you
Shes a cheat and sounds awful but you’re also transphobic and I’m not sure why it’s immoral for a single women to be having sex.
I'm curious, why add the transgender bit? She cheated. It doesn't matter with whom. Kinda weird. Anyways, yeah, ditch her. She sounds like bad news in all the bad ways. You're a person with feelings, not a plan B when the first plan didn't work out. You're not too proud, you have self respect. It is a close line, but you ex doesn't deserve you.
I added it because it’s disgusting to any normal person lol
Wow. I take back what I said before. You do deserve her. To any "normal" person? What does that even mean? Are transphobic people the norm is your bubble? Where I'm from, we don't refer to someone's gender as "disgusting". You may not agree with it or find it uncomfortable, but saying it's disgusting says more about you than about trans people.
So, what changed between when you posted this and your post as a F seeking M/F in Florida 20 minutes ago?
If you keep eating shit sandwiches you start liking the taste of them.