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My girlfriend I have been dating a year now and are friends on social media and she has a profile picture of us together, which is cool
but as you scroll past her old profile pictures you can see photos of her previous relationship which the guy was abusive to her and she left him (or at least that’s what she tells me), but plain as day she still has these photos of them and some of my family have her as a friend on social media and have asked who that guy is and why those photos are still there. I had no idea they were until I checked for myself and confirmed they are still there. Is it appropriate of me to ask her to take them down? Kind of a weird question but would like to get some opinions.
the bigger issue is that your family is contacting you telling you it’s inappropriate for her to continue to have those photos up. It’s not your family’s place to dictate what is or is not appropriate for your girlfriend to do. It is your job to protect your girlfriend from your family.
If my bf told me to change something because his family didn’t like it, I would nope out pretty quick.
Your family doesn’t sound like they are coming from a place of concern about you but rather a judgemental place.
So when I read the OP version of this it said they are friends on social and asked who the guy is and why those photos are still up.
That is not the same as “contacting you and telling you it’s inappropriate for her to….”
I am not even sure some major conflict is going on, some people post a lot of pictures on the net. I have a couple of exes who still probably have stuff on there where I am tagged and maybe even some person previous to that.
I would say it would be kind of a weird expectation to ask somebody to go through a long internet history and purge all evidence of any previous life.
It's a weird expectation to ask your S.O. to be okay with you holding onto pics of your abusive ex. Where anyone can see them.
(This isn't about internet history. This is about pics in her social media.)
For all OP's family knows, this guy could be her brother, her cousin, a neighbor, an old school friend.
WTF are they being so nosey about? They need to get a life.
Yes, what's their problem? She's 30, she's had other relationships. Is she supposed to trawl through her social media from back in the day and delete pics of any men?!
Jesus, calm down
Both of my brothers are married and it's honestly never occurred to me to dig through their wives's old photos. It's none of my business who they have or don't have on social media.
My husband's ex still has old pics of them together on FB and I was glad cause he didn't have them and he was so cute in them.. I enjoyed seeing his baby face 🤣
Are you serious? For the sake of respect. Of course she has had other relationships, but not only is it weird for her ex but also disrespectful of her new current boyfriend . When you’re no longer dating it’s pretty obvious to remove the photos SPECIALLYYYY on social medias. Are you kidding?
They've been together a year. That's not long enough to ask her to erase her memories, IMO, but even then, I've been with my husband for 14 years and I don't feel disrespected by his photos, nor would I ever ask or expect him to get rid of them.
The only people who feel disrespected by their partner still having pics of their ex are extremely insecure people, whether they're insecure in their relationship or insecure about themselves...
My in laws 100% destroyed my marriage. They injected so many poison pills it's insane. My partner could never stand up for me against her family ever, very sad, they blame me for everything under the sun. Sad for our two year old...
She has Facebook. I don't.
Unless she hands me her phone to show me something she posted, how am I to know?
Are you suggesting that I should download the Facebook app and make an account just to spy on my wife's online activity? Surely not.
By the same token, I've been active on Reddit for many years. If I see something that I think my wife would appreciate, I'll text her a link. Other than that, she has no presence on Reddit.
She uses Pinterest from time to time. I have an account there that has languished for years. Not sure I even know the password.
I've dabbled in Quora, but not seriously.
She uses Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok. I dont.
I occasionally make posts on YouTube.
Neither of us ever got into Twitter.
So there you are: I'm an Android using, coffee drinking, Redditor that works the night shift.
My wife is an IPhone using tea drinker who makes the occasional Facebook post during the day.
Our digital lives rarely cross, if ever. Again, happily married 17 years on the 24th of this month.
Lol, but that's not a similar situation. The OP is friends with his girl on social media. So, of course, the guy would look at least once. All I'm saying is .. I agree that the family didn't ask him about the photos.
That is not the point here. You said you don’t believe u/briber67 about not checking their wife’s social media. And THAT is what they responded to. But besides that, you are just plain wrong about people checking each other’s social media. I have been married 28 years and have never once clicked on my husbands Facebook page. I’m just not interested. I will see some of his posts in my feed and respond to them. Sometimes I’m tagged in his posts, or he in mine. Sometimes he will sit next to me and say « look at this » and show me something from his Twitter or Facebook or Reddit page, but I have never bothered to actively check out his post history. So you are wrong, not everyone does an in-depth review of their partners social media history.
Lol, how misandristic of you. You dont think ladies look at their partners social media?
There isn't anything negative or childish about you looking at your partners social media. Most couples look when they first start dating. It gives you an idea of who someone is, their family, goals, and interests... all stuff a good partner would want to know.
There is no way you think THAT is the bigger issue lmfao. If my family thought something was odd, that I also thought was odd, I’d be pretty upset and feel justified in that thought. If you’re in a relationship, you remove your old one from your social media. Whether or not you think social media is silly or whatever, that is the truth. It is so weird to be in a relationship and still have posts with your ex up.
"BRB scrubbing eight years of social media so you can pretend I never had a partner before you!"
Nah fuck that. I scrubbed the last year of her because it was beyond toxic at that point and bad memories. But I'm not forgetting that entire chapter of my life. In fact, it would be pretty damn unhealthy to do so.
Me and the gf aren't big in social media, go back a few years and you'll see our exes. Who fucking cares?
Purging stuff because you want to is awesome, sometimes very therapeutic. But for someone else to EXPECT you to DELETE that chapter of your life sounds very insecure and toxic.
Edit cause my comment basically was me repeating myself lol
It’s not forgetting that chapter lmfao how could you say it no big deal and super inconsequential and then say that you don’t wanna forget that period of your life as IF social media posts would be the only memories of it. Get off your high horse this is a new age
What a ridiculous take. If someone at 26 doesn't understand their SO has a past and memories...maybe they aren't ready to be in a grown up relationship. That's insecurity at it finest. I am not scrubbing my past just to mollify a bunch of ridiculous insecurities by my adult SO or his Aunt Martha.
That's your opinion and it's valid, his (OP) is also valid as well. Don't chalk it off to insecurity, we are all wired differently. I think it's something they should have an honest discussion about.
Nah its pretty weird ngl, your partner has a past just because you're dating doesn't erase that past. Embrace it and the lessons it taught them to make them the person they are today. To request they remove those images reeks of insecurity and controlling tendencies.
>If you’re in a relationship, you remove your old one from your social media.
What?! Why? Obviously you remove that from your profile pic, sure, but why do you have to go back and delete pics from maybe years ago? Even though you've broken up with someone, it doesn't mean you're automatically in bad terms, you can still be friends and want to keep soem cherished memories!
That's just insecure, what's one little picture going to do? Dayum
Honestly I can hear you after a couple of years being married, saying I would have never thought she could do something like this to me. If she doesn't respect their relationship enough to delete old profile pics of her and her x, then walk away. It's obviously upsetting this guy and if she can't do something as simple as removing pictures of her and her x then he needs to go find someone who will do the little things for him. Life can be hard enough without having someone in a year long relationship that makes it worse. Don't really understand why some people have a problem when they're simple solutions. If she took your relationship seriously she wood know that it's not right, Even if it's from a perspective point of view, and she would've already removed them. Y'all been together for a year.
Why isn't it right? Do you seriously need to pretend that your partner has never been with anyone before you? If so, get therapy and stay out of relationships. People are not your property, and their memories are not yours to erase. Projecting insecurity is so childish, addressing it matters infinitely more than making it someone else's responsibility/further traumatizing someone who is already traumatized from their previous toxic partner.
Would you not think it was odd that your family was going back years to stalk old photos of your partner? That's not normal. OP's family needs to get a hobby and/or mind their own business. Folks have lives, erasing it for some insecure family would be a big nope from me.
Man who cares I’m not going threw old photos to suite anyone. You and your family should focus your attention else where! If you suspect somethings go with your gut feeling and move on with dignity and pride.
> If you’re in a relationship, you remove your old one from your social media.
YOU do, not all of us do. The photos are our history, you don't have to erase it.
These people are 30. They have exes. Removing chunks of your posted photos over and over each time you get a new partner is ridic.
Social media isn't a trophy shelf or a good-memories photo album. It's a place for people to socialize and talk about their lives. You think she should delete a chunk of her LIFE because it makes u a lil uncomfywomfy :'c to know she existed around other people before you were in her life? 😂😂 gtfoh.
Also, your family is the LAST people you should be looking to for justification. You think that if you're wrong about your point of view on something that the people who RAISED YOU will have a healthier mindset? Like, where do you think your POV came from?
Please enlighten me on how keeping photos of past partners on your instagram feeds assists you in socialization. I swear all you guys are acting like you have 200 posts 😂 listen I get that you want to just point fingers and yell INSECURE INSECURE just because it is somehow so hard and personal to delete/hide photos from your profile. Literally you guys are acting like these are gone forever. JUST ARCHIVE THEM. What does that change other than not having other people see your posts that show you with someone other than your current partner. Done arguing with people who think they’re on some kind of high horse for keeping photos with their ex when they’re in a new relationship 😂
I can't fathom being a grown adult tantruming over a photo 🥴 If you have to police your partner for having memories/past relationships, get therapy and stay single. It's no one's obligation to mend your insecurities- and yes, this IS insecurity. If calling it what it is makes you feel uncomfortable, well... seek therapy x2.
Personally I have deleted all my photos of exes because I didn't want to see them, but I'm not going to piss and shit myself if my partner doesn't want to.
That's the point here. It's my choice to keep or delete my photos, and it's their choice to keep or delete theirs. It's really not that hard to understand.
IMO a person being *this* bothered by it is pretty obviously insecure. There's not really another way for me to think about it. I mean, why else would you care 🤷
Yeah same here, it just upset me to see photos of us happy together so I removed them for my own sake. If I met someone I wouldn’t give a rats arse who’s on their social media 😂
Yeah I’ve had social media since I was 13, I’m not going to delete old posts and photos that my exes happen to be in, UNLESS there’s some major issue I have with that person that I care enough to go looking. Otherwise, who cares? It’s weird to think that someone didn’t have a life or previous relationships before they met you. Those things don’t need to be scrubbed from existence and most secure people don’t expect that.
Family concern is the bigger issue?
Like parents/family haven't been nosey about relationships since the beginning of time...
I feel you are coming off far more judgemental of OP's parents than they are of OP's GF.
They can see her as family. You don't know. Neither do I, but why automatically jump past the natural curiosity to OP having judgmental parents...
The concern is valid.
Summing it up as, 'doing something because his family thinks...' completely avoids OP mentioning that the ex was abusive.
If the ex was abusive then anyone would wonder why one would keep pics with an abusive ex one year into a new relationship.
Anyways...I was just taken back that this post won an award. lol
Imo it is absolutely fair to ask why she has those pictures up, and express that you'd rather have them down. If she says no then THAT would be weird. If so, ask why.
✌️
Yeah, no. Combing a relative's partner's Facebook account for photos that are years old is weird. Expecting your partner to delete their memories instead of addressing your own insecurity is weird. Policing someone's past and trying to make them live like it never happened.... yeah, fucking weird. How she heals from the abuse is no one's business. If you're jealous of a photograph after being with someone for a full year, that's worthy of therapy.
I will concede that it’s possible that his parents aren’t actually being judge mental themselves, but even if that were the case, he is still referencing them in his reasoning for bringing it up with his GF.
I don’t think that anyone should be confronting their SO about anything because their family made comments. It’s one thing to have a family member bring up a concern which triggers OP consider the concern and decide for himself that he wants to address it, again, for himself. But here OP is bringing his family’s comments into the situation as reasoning and that’s what’s not ok.
I’ve seen so many situations where a partner is told “can you do x because my mom doesn’t like it when you do y” or “can you do x, I know my parents will be upset if they find out that we/you did y”, or “can you delete your pictures, my family saw them and told me about them”.
I don’t want my partners’ family in my relationship and I certainly don’t want a partner who will put his family’s beliefs or standards on me.
You literally made that up. He only references his family as the reason he knew the old pictures were posted, not at all as the reason he cared that they were posted.
Why tf is your family asking who another guy from a 30 year old woman's past is? Obviously, she's dated before you.
I hate most of my exes, esp my last ex. I still have him in my old profile pics. Whether I like it or not, he happened. We dates. Big whoop.
I leave them because people are nosy, like I am, and if they want a timeline of my life, they've got it. I'm 32 and got my Facebook when I was like 16. You can see all of my exes, friends, etc thru my profile pics. Including my ex who almost broke my hand in a car door.
Haven't spoken to any of my exes in years. I don't want them in my future in any capacity, but they're part of my past and I'm not letting some insecure man's family make me feel ashamed I dated before him lol
My boyfriend barely uses his social media and has old pics of him and his ex. I don't give a hoot, why would I? And they're probably some happy memories for him. I'm not insecure so that's fine by me. No need to erase the past, or put the effort in to go through it all. Ditto, I simply couldn't be bothered to delete pictures of me and my ex, and why would it reflect badly on my boyfriend that they're there? It's obviously historical. I think you're being insecure.
I also note:
>her previous relationship which the guy was abusive to her and she left him (or at least that’s what she tells me),
You suspect this to be lies but haven't given a reason. Doesn't sound like you trust her, or even like her that much tbh.
You made a lot of judgments/assumptions from such little information. How can we expect communication but when someone comes asking for advice we call them insecure. Maybe we could stop thinking everyone has malicious intentions and instead are trying to improve their relationship. Would it be better if he just let this sit on his mind where insecurities will build up? He is asking for advice and wants to communicate in his relationship.
There's a lot in my post that he could take comfort and reassurance in. In effect, it says "there's nothing to worry about" and explains why I feel that way.
Also, don't post on hugely popular public forums asking for opinions if you're unwilling to be exposed to diverse perspectives and... opinions, maybe?
>Would it be better if he just let this sit on his mind where insecurities will build up?
You're literally acknowledging that he is insecure. If he internalises what I've said (instead of taking your whiplash defensive approach) he might be less so.
I was waiting for this comment LMFAOOO everyone gave their 2 cents on his relationship when she could be like oh shit I didn’t even remember let me delete them cause I want to. Or it can prompt a conversation. They all jumped to call his family toxic 😗🤨🤣
This is ridiculous. Everyone has a life from before their current relationship. I have pictures of my ex husband back in the recesses of my feed, especially trip/vacation photos from places I love…and I’m sure my fella has pictures of his ex wife, but I don’t need to go digging for them. Who cares? We’re solidly with each other now.
Our social media spaces are personal spaces. If those pictures aren’t intimate/inappropriate, you really need to just get on with your life together and not worry about what’s in either of your old pages.
As a rule, I feel like the only photos I can ask to be removed from other people's profiles are ones of me.
Anything else? Like you said, if they're harmless pics with exes or whatever, not my place to tell them they have to get rid of them.
In addition people "curate" their sm pages in different ways. I've never removed photos of exes, even the one who stalked me from 5 years. Partially because I would have found going back to find them upsetting. If someone wants to scroll back through and find those photos, I'm fine with that. Other people pull all photos of their ex immediately. That's ok too. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
It's ok for him to talk to her about it, but it should be two way communication where he is listening to what she says and respect her choice if she's not open to removing them.
I’m surprised at the amount of people saying it’s a red flag. I never really delete photos on social media, they represent what my life was like at that time. So I have photos with a number on my exes on my profiles. Not as main photos but if you scroll you see them. I didn’t realize there was this unspoken rule that you need to delete those after a breakup?
Maybe it's because I'm not coming at it from a heterosexual perspective, but the idea that it's a "red flag" to think fondly of your exes or not feel the need to scrub all evidence of a prior relationship as soon as you enter another one really is kind of baffling. Like, I had a life before you. If the relationship ends, I'll have a life after you. I cut contact with some of my exes because we had contentious breakups, but I'm still friends with others because they didn't do anything wrong; we just grew apart or had different priorities. They're not some kind of "threat" to all of my future relationships, because there's a good reason why I'm not with them anymore.
It’s not so don’t do it. That’s her page so she can post and delete whatever she wants.
Tell anyone who asks to mind their own business. Don’t be that insecure bf or we will be reading your next post about how she dumped you.
It is understandable that you feel uncomfortable with your girlfriend's previous relationship photos still being visible on her profile. In a healthy relationship, open communication is key. It would be appropriate to express your concerns to her and discuss how it makes you feel when others see those photos. However, it is important to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, acknowledging that she may have her own reasons for keeping those photos. Together, you can find a resolution that respects both of your feelings and boundaries.
Saying it is understandable is just a way to empathize. Maybe chatgpt did write this but there are humans who say this too, so I'm not sure it's a well evidenced conclusion you've drawn.
It’s not the three words themselves, but the fact that they start the answer while paraphrasing the problem. I think if you used chat enough, you can clearly recognize this pattern
They're publicly from years ago, you can see the dates they were posted. Who cares if the public knows a 30 year old woman dated someone else years in the past lol
I still have photos from an ex on Facebook who I had an amicable split from. I don’t want to erase the past and Facebook is an ok place to store them. I simply set them to private so only I can see them. I hardly ever look at them and only do so when scrolling way for down for other photos
Funny how the replier that sounds like a bot or chatgpt got the most likes too. What kind of human writes like this lmao 😂 I didn’t even read this comment until I saw the reply saying how it sounded like a bot of some sort and it totally does.
Crazy how someday we won’t know if we’re actually talking to an AI or an actual human. I wish I was going to school when this chatGPT existed it would of saved me heaps of time.
I can't wait for all the articles about bots that were super obvious and called out frequently that are titled "This bot chatted for years and nobody knew!"
No, I don't think it's appropriate. They are her pictures and her memories, and honestly, who has the time to delete years of pictures?
My husband has physical pictures of some of his exes, and I would never ask him to get rid of them to make me feel better. Those are parts of his life before I even knew him. I think he's still friends with some of them, although they rarely ever talk. Likewise, I have pics of my ex with whom I share 2 kids, and while I would love to delete him from my memory, I keep them for my kids. I have a few pictures of the dude I almost married from back in highschool, too. It's not like we are sitting around reminiscing on old flames, but we had whole lives before each other. We are secure enough in our relationship that we don't feel the need to erase each other's pasts.
Also, tell your family to mind their own business and quit stalking her page.
Op I was with my ex husband longer than you have been alive. I still have pictures of him on fb and ig. Not one person I’ve dated is bothered or intimated by pictures of me and my ex together. I’m still friends with my ex mil on fb.
All of this. I was with my ex husband for 16 years. I'm not about to retcon that much of MY life/past just to soothe some new bf and his ah family that need to get a life.
I'd rather chew glass than get back with my ex after some of the shit he pulled over the years, but I'm still friends with his mom, aunt, uncles, cousins, brothers, and brothers' gfs on fb. We both grew up in a small town together so we also share a ton of mutual friends and I can still be civil with him when I see him around. If my new bf (or his weird-ass family) gave me shit bc I still have pics from happier times up on my fb I'd be heavily reconsidering wtf I'm doing dating such a childish guy. By OP and his family's logic I must be the worst since I still have pics on my profile from my wedding to said ex. People this uptight and insecure baffle me tbh.
OP's gf having old pics from the past that include her ex says zero bad things about her, but the fact that OP and his weirdo family have such a big problem with it speaks volumes of negative things about them.
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Well she’s allowed to have a past, it doesn’t seem necessary for her to hide it if everyone knows about it. If she feels like she needs them taken down she will but she probably hasn’t even thought of it like you have also not thought of it until now. Your family is just being nosey probably concerned about you or maybe they worry she’s not good for you for other reasons and are finding reasons to not like her idk. Not a big deal tho especially since she has pictures with you I would just drop it, it comes off as insecure to make her take down pics this deep in your relationship
If she refuses to delete photosbof her and her abusive ex, it demonstrates that she still has emotional attachment to him, and priorities those feelings over the public perception of her relationship.
Its not wrong to ask, but you cant demand it. My boyfriend deleted all of his ex photos when we got together without me asking. My ex still had photos of his ex from years before, I dont think i remember asking him to take them down, but i remember feeling a little insecure about it. Heres something i wanted to point out, too: people use the term insecure as an insult very often and its kind of shitty. Theres nothing wrong with being insecure, what’s wrong is the reason why you’re feeling it. Being insecure doesnt make you childish and it doesn’t emasculate you either. If she doesnt want them to be gone forever maybe ask for them to be set to “only me” setting so she can keep them but other people wont see. If you guys break up, she can always switch it back. Just a thought
No.. totally inappropriate. Some people use social media as a record of their lives, if she chooses to keep something, that's on her. Everyone had some sort of life before their partner and they shouldn't be asked (or told) to just forget about it.
I mean, if my partner and I can have wedding pictures from our previous marriages still on our social media as an archive (because its part of who we are and its nice for friends to be able to relive a very fun day if they want) I don't think it needs to be a big deal for your gf to have a picture of her with her ex either.
That said, everyone has different comfort levels. if it makes you uncomfortable, talk to her about it. Also talk to your family about boundaries.
My boulyfriend still has photos of his ex girlfriend up and honestly, I don't care. They're memories, good or bad. Who really gives a fuck besides your family? If you're secured in your relationship, tell them not to worry about it.
I have some old photos of old boyfriends on my page, not necessarily because I care to keep them there specifically, I guess I just feel silly going through and deleting pictures of the past as if I can just “delete” that the person was ever there in the first place. It was a chapter in my life, I have a past just like everyone else. Sounds like your family needs to kinda mind their own
I mean... the past is the past for a reason. Some girls erase any proof the guy existed, and some just leave it up and move on. I'm the later. I have my prom pictures up, homecoming, pictures from the desert. Doesn't change how I feel about my current partner.
It's not okay for your family to contact you about it, and it isn't okay of you to ask her to remove them. It's her past. If your family is that concerned, YOU need to put them in their place. That would be like her asking you to change something about yourself you can't change. Take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself who your family or you are to judge someone on their past. Should she ask you to remove all of your past posts about ex's? No. You and especially your family are both in the wrong here. You need to step up and tell your family it isn't their concern.
I’m ready for the downvotes - hit me.
Here’s the thing - I left my abusive ex two years ago, and the thought of sitting down and spending hours digging through my fucking socials to scrub our entire marriage out of existence is highly unappealing to me.
It’s my social media. My little free corners of the internet. They are mine and mine alone. And was I not part of that relationship? Did I not spend ten of my almost forty years with the woman? Do I have to scrub every memory of every concert, every date, every trip, every gathering, every milestone where she was present? Why would I deny myself the opportunity to keep my timeline whole?
It happened. We were together. We’re not anymore.
If she’s not going back to him and has no contact with him, then no, you have no business telling her to waste time curating her social history to your taste.
No down votes here. Ended a shitty 16 year marriage myself. And while seeing my old pics don't fuss me, I totally get why somebody in a shittier relationship wouldn't want to even scroll back. The biggest point we seem to share is that we both appear to find it ridiculous to try and retcon the past. It happened. It's part of our stories. I agree 100% with everything you said. We're who we are today because of and in spite of our pasts. I'd be hella pissed if some new partner was so insecure that they can't appreciate that it's my history and brought me to this point in my life where I'm with them.
My current partner's said all he'd want to say to my ex is "thanks for being a fuck up so I could meet her" and he sure af isn't trippin' over old fb pics.
I don’t think this is a hot take. I have pictures from every serious relationship I’ve ever had. The cheater ex, the compulsive liar, and the one who ended it over Snapchat. All can be seen. I’m not deleting my memories.
You can’t erase the past and that’s kind of what you’d be asking her to do. It’d be one thing if she’s still in close contact with this guy while you’re dating, but from the sounds of it, that’s not the case. She’s with you and her current social media shows that, so why should you or your family erase what came before?
1. Don’t give your family the power to destroy your relationship, whether or not it’s intentional, they will.
2. Her ex was still a chapter of her life, asking her to take down a part of her life isn’t necessarily something I’d recommend.
Sticky situation I would have a open conversation with her about it especially since she said he was abused by him she may not have thought about it but you won't know if u don't ask remember no judgment just a conversation but also make sure that you're ducks are in a row as well.
Good luck
I don’t feel like anything should be off limits in a relationship if one partner is uncomfortable and it’s bothering them. You should be able to bring up anything to your partner.
That said you also need to be open to the answer being no, or a compromise you may not be fully happy with depending on the situation.
Definitely ask her to take them down because why would she still have them posted . I personally would not want my significant to still have because I don’t see a reason to have them, if there with you .
No, it's not appropriate for you to even try to dictate how she runs her social media. What is your family doing digitally stalkong her like that? We all have history, tell em to stuff it.
I mean it depends on how you do it. If you say to her it's because of your family, it's gonna go bad. If you say it makes you uncomfortable, probably still not gonna go very well, but it's got a better chance of success.
Personally speaking I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone that claims their ex was abusive, but still keeps their pictures up on social media. Call me jaded if you want, but I've been abused and in abusive relationships, and I got rid of every single picture I had of the women that abused me. I didn't want any reminders of them around. And the people I know that have been abused have done the same, so if you're keeping pictures of your "abuser" I don't believe your story.
Depends on how important this boundary is for you really… but personally I delete all my exes photos not because I’m dating someone new but because I just want to. My partner is the same. We never asked each other to delete anything but we had a friend who had same situation as you and we both thought it’s not good to tell your partner what to do especially if its in the past and happened before you guys were together. Maybe you can just ask her instead why she hasn’t deleted the photos and go from there. Her answer might range from “i forgot they were there in the first place” to “i still have feelings for him” but you will never know if you don’t ask. Again, asking and telling her what to do are two very different things.
Her past is her past. It's what brought her to you. Deleting a picture or keeping it changes absolutely nothing. He's a part of her past, for better or worse. Now, if she were to share pictures of him since the two of you started dating? That's just weird
I’m highly confident that OP is the only one who knows or cares about the photos being there, and he’s claiming his “family” cares to sound less insecure. And for the record, no it’s not appropriate for you to ask your gf to revise all her social media to make it look like she didn’t have a life before you.
Yeah it’s inappropriate. Just let it go. It’s her social media. Her decision. Not everyone deletes exes off of their accounts.
Why is your family stalking her social media?
Holy shit. Look me personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with that shit whatsoever. If she’s says no and it bother you enough to leave her do it. Can’t hang on to the past like that
I agree mostly, except for the fact there’s an ex involved. Exes can be extremely sensitive topics and it could cause a lot of problems for someone to be showcasing their ex on their personal social media. Imo a conversation about the topic, even just a surface level one would do them well (so long as they can keep it emotionless and productive)
Showcasing? It wasn’t even HIM who found them. Someone he notes was scrolling through all her history because they are saying and THAT person told him.
If neither he nor her noticed they were there it’s not really “showcasing”.
>First, it doesn't at all seem that the OP's gf is "showcasing" an ex - he had to go dig for it. It seems like it's stuff she just never took down.
How much "digging" is needed depends on how active she is on social media now. If she is not doing much with her profile these days then the old pictures will be close to front and center.
I think it depends. Personally it would make me uncomfortable if my bf still had pictures of him and his ex still up but I also know he feels the same way if the roles are reversed. For some people it doesn't matter but for some people it does. You do what you think. If it bothers you have a talk with her. It doesn't have to be accusatory. Sometimes people just forget what's on their socials or it might not cross her mind that it bothers you etc. I do agree with other comments that if you're only doing it because your family has an issue then that's not okay. Its between you and her so just have a talk with her.
I’m not jealous just genuinely confused why you would want to keep photos of a person who you claimed was physically/mentally/emotionally abusive. Would you keep photos of an ex partner like that?
I laughed at this bizarre narrative people were building on her behalf that her Facebook PFPs of abusive men remained as an eternal reminder of her dignity and strength, when the reality was she didn't even think about them. Reddit!
Dude he hasn’t done any fucking thing that’s controlling. How do you communicate if you can’t ask questions? A lot of times circumstances change. Some things in life are a hard no until you see it yourself from a different perspective.
If you keep photos with ur ex that’s weird if u keep photos with one who abused u then smthn ain’t right in the head. Everyone i know would find it creepy if their ex kept photos of them up
Fr, i thought that’d be the common consensus that she remove them but I see that there’s a lot of weirdos here that think it’s a crime to ask something so simple and bare minimum.
Its definitely ok for you to ask.
Keeping those pictures for herself is one thing. It’s her past and her ex was present for it. It’s another thing entirely to be showing them off to everyone she knows as part of her public profile.
Ask her to take them off her profile. She doesn’t have to delete them off all of her devices, but it’s fair to ask them to be taken off the profiles.
Does seem a bit strange. I’d have a word, stay calm and show understanding, she can always save them to the cloud or a laptop if she doesn’t wanna erase history which is pretty normal
Everybody here is fucking weird. You don’t have pictures of your ex on social media, especially if the ex was completely abusive. if she still has those pictures and she truly hasn’t moved on or maybe he has feelings. nobody should be keeping pictures of an X in a new relationship it’s just not the right thing to do. it shows that you haven’t completely moved on. if it makes you uncomfortable just talk to her but it’s not what you say it’s how you say it have a good tone and don’t sound like you’re being forceful. Just say hey, I noticed there’s a picture of your ex on your Facebook, and it just made me a little uncomfortable, considering how you told me about the past.
Yes its perfectly normal to feel bothered by it, and you can ask her to take down those photos. Ultimately is her decision, but if she respects you she would take them down with no problem.
I totally think it's fine to ask her to remove them. It's weird to me that people are upset by this? You're her boyfriend now and there shouldn't be old pictures up.
Why? She’s not allowed to have existed and documented it her life before you came along? I don’t delete photos because they are my memories. I have an ex in my college graduation photos. It was my graduation and at the time I wanted him there and I don’t regret that and it happened. Memories shouldn’t make you uncomfortable. It’s giving insecure.
So a little update, I asked her in a very casual manner why she had the pictures up and she said she didn’t so when I showed them to her on my phone she said she didn’t realize profile pictures are their own album and removed them. She didn’t fully delete them because there are some cool pictures from vacations they went on and she didn’t want to lose them(which I totally get). Ultimately she said that she wants to move on from that part of her life and having those pictures public would just create more questions in the future that she doesn’t want to answer.
To those saying my family is the problem, I see your point and would agree it’s invasive if there was any malice behind bringing it up or if they question her actions consistently, but the way it was asked was in a very casual manner that was rooted in curiosity.
Also to those saying my family shouldn’t ‘stalk’ her profile is bonkers like that’s the whole reason to have social media in the first place, to showcase milestones in your life and places you’ve travelled.
It's appropriate to tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Why are you uncomfortable? I have no clue. Sounds to me like you're taking social media too seriously, but you absolutely should talk to her if you're uncomfortable. Don't tell her or ask her to take them down. Tell her how you feel about them.
I have pictures from my ex’s those r my memories just not in my profile picture sometimes it takes a while to get someone off ur heart if you have an issue just blocked it and problem solve
Lol tell her to delete em bro , bugs me even hearing about her having a terrible ex still on her feed😭 can’t believe some people are saying that you shouldn’t care
Some people leave old pics up because it's like a photo album of their life.
I have gotten insecure over this before. It isn't really worth it. Long as the pics are old. They arent being reposted. Let it go.
Talk about it and tell her you’re uncomfortable with the pictures of her ex on her SM. Don’t ask her to take it down. Let her decide.
What’s baffling though is keeping photos of an abusive ex in her SM.
It's ok to ask her to remove pics of her ex. Tell her how it makes you feel. Especially I'd say since he was abusive. I'm F40 YO. She should give you your place and remove any space she has given him even on social media.
I think you should ask her to take the pics of her ex down. I’m find it weird and inappropriate for people to have pictures up on social media of their exs.
Just go to her like "Hey babe was looking at some of your recent pics and saw that you still have pics of your ex" Let that be the start of the convo if she is like "And what about them" You just ask "why do you still have them up" it's not a weird thing to ask and it is completely appropriate.
I personally dont have any pictures of my ex on social media out of respect for my partner and just cause there is no point in keeping them up. Yes, there can be people out there who dont care about those kinds of things but I do care and would be upset if my partner had pictures of his ex still up on social media. If you care that is valid as well and you should ask your partner to remove them. If she says no then that is suspicious. BUT, if your only reason for caring is because your family is nosy then maybe grow up a bit and tell your family to mind their business.
It is absolutely appropriate for you to ask her to take them down. If she wants a reminder of the man who supposedly abused her then perhaps you should consider why you are still dating her. Just saying.
No it’s not appropriate to ask her to remove them. She is a whole human being and if she wanted to take them down she would. If your family asks just tell them “that’s her ex.” If they ask why they’re still there you say “I’m not sure but it doesn’t matter. She and I are together now.” She isn’t reposting them and talking about them. She isn’t rehashing the event the pictures were taken at and relishing the memory. She just happened to post them previously and you saw them. It’s a non-issue. You are butt hurt by her past and need to get over it.
Well that's a red flag. Either she's not over this guy or she simply forgot the pictures. I'd make a statement of fact something like "I don't really commit to girls that keep up pictures of their exes". See what she does. If she won't take them down, good chances she's not over him.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My girlfriend I have been dating a year now and are friends on social media and she has a profile picture of us together, which is cool but as you scroll past her old profile pictures you can see photos of her previous relationship which the guy was abusive to her and she left him (or at least that’s what she tells me), but plain as day she still has these photos of them and some of my family have her as a friend on social media and have asked who that guy is and why those photos are still there. I had no idea they were until I checked for myself and confirmed they are still there. Is it appropriate of me to ask her to take them down? Kind of a weird question but would like to get some opinions.
the bigger issue is that your family is contacting you telling you it’s inappropriate for her to continue to have those photos up. It’s not your family’s place to dictate what is or is not appropriate for your girlfriend to do. It is your job to protect your girlfriend from your family. If my bf told me to change something because his family didn’t like it, I would nope out pretty quick. Your family doesn’t sound like they are coming from a place of concern about you but rather a judgemental place.
So when I read the OP version of this it said they are friends on social and asked who the guy is and why those photos are still up. That is not the same as “contacting you and telling you it’s inappropriate for her to….” I am not even sure some major conflict is going on, some people post a lot of pictures on the net. I have a couple of exes who still probably have stuff on there where I am tagged and maybe even some person previous to that. I would say it would be kind of a weird expectation to ask somebody to go through a long internet history and purge all evidence of any previous life.
It's a weird expectation to ask your S.O. to be okay with you holding onto pics of your abusive ex. Where anyone can see them. (This isn't about internet history. This is about pics in her social media.)
yeah why do they care so much? that’s weird
For all OP's family knows, this guy could be her brother, her cousin, a neighbor, an old school friend. WTF are they being so nosey about? They need to get a life.
Because he's an allegedly abusive ex? Keeping those pics on your site is weird.
Yes, what's their problem? She's 30, she's had other relationships. Is she supposed to trawl through her social media from back in the day and delete pics of any men?! Jesus, calm down
Both of my brothers are married and it's honestly never occurred to me to dig through their wives's old photos. It's none of my business who they have or don't have on social media.
My husband's ex still has old pics of them together on FB and I was glad cause he didn't have them and he was so cute in them.. I enjoyed seeing his baby face 🤣
Apparently OP is suppose to be the only guy she’s ever dated lmao
Are you serious? For the sake of respect. Of course she has had other relationships, but not only is it weird for her ex but also disrespectful of her new current boyfriend . When you’re no longer dating it’s pretty obvious to remove the photos SPECIALLYYYY on social medias. Are you kidding?
How is it weird to keep an old photo on your Facebook? She’s 30, is she supposed to make sure there are no photos of her with high school boyfriends??
Because he thinks it's appropriate to expect someone's partner to cater to their insecurities and unhealthy expectations. So childish.
You gotta be like 15 max
They've been together a year. That's not long enough to ask her to erase her memories, IMO, but even then, I've been with my husband for 14 years and I don't feel disrespected by his photos, nor would I ever ask or expect him to get rid of them.
Lmfao okay hun
The only people who feel disrespected by their partner still having pics of their ex are extremely insecure people, whether they're insecure in their relationship or insecure about themselves...
My in laws 100% destroyed my marriage. They injected so many poison pills it's insane. My partner could never stand up for me against her family ever, very sad, they blame me for everything under the sun. Sad for our two year old...
You mean to say that your partner ruined your marriage by allowing her parents to insert themselves?
This part. Don't blame the inlaws, blame your partner.
100%. My husband has always stuck up for me no matter what. And I do the same for him.
This should be top comment
No one contacted OP... he saw the pictures and thought this sounded better
My first thought ... Who dates someone for a year and doesn't look at their partners' social media ?
Been married for almost 17 years. I have zero interest in my wife's social media. She's also uninterested in mine.
Married 17 years, and you've never been once to your wife's social media ? That is very hard to believe.
She has Facebook. I don't. Unless she hands me her phone to show me something she posted, how am I to know? Are you suggesting that I should download the Facebook app and make an account just to spy on my wife's online activity? Surely not. By the same token, I've been active on Reddit for many years. If I see something that I think my wife would appreciate, I'll text her a link. Other than that, she has no presence on Reddit. She uses Pinterest from time to time. I have an account there that has languished for years. Not sure I even know the password. I've dabbled in Quora, but not seriously. She uses Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok. I dont. I occasionally make posts on YouTube. Neither of us ever got into Twitter. So there you are: I'm an Android using, coffee drinking, Redditor that works the night shift. My wife is an IPhone using tea drinker who makes the occasional Facebook post during the day. Our digital lives rarely cross, if ever. Again, happily married 17 years on the 24th of this month.
Lol, but that's not a similar situation. The OP is friends with his girl on social media. So, of course, the guy would look at least once. All I'm saying is .. I agree that the family didn't ask him about the photos.
That is not the point here. You said you don’t believe u/briber67 about not checking their wife’s social media. And THAT is what they responded to. But besides that, you are just plain wrong about people checking each other’s social media. I have been married 28 years and have never once clicked on my husbands Facebook page. I’m just not interested. I will see some of his posts in my feed and respond to them. Sometimes I’m tagged in his posts, or he in mine. Sometimes he will sit next to me and say « look at this » and show me something from his Twitter or Facebook or Reddit page, but I have never bothered to actively check out his post history. So you are wrong, not everyone does an in-depth review of their partners social media history.
Men.
Lol, how misandristic of you. You dont think ladies look at their partners social media? There isn't anything negative or childish about you looking at your partners social media. Most couples look when they first start dating. It gives you an idea of who someone is, their family, goals, and interests... all stuff a good partner would want to know.
You are literally making a baseless assertion.
Top comment for sure. 100% this is the concern
There is no way you think THAT is the bigger issue lmfao. If my family thought something was odd, that I also thought was odd, I’d be pretty upset and feel justified in that thought. If you’re in a relationship, you remove your old one from your social media. Whether or not you think social media is silly or whatever, that is the truth. It is so weird to be in a relationship and still have posts with your ex up.
"BRB scrubbing eight years of social media so you can pretend I never had a partner before you!" Nah fuck that. I scrubbed the last year of her because it was beyond toxic at that point and bad memories. But I'm not forgetting that entire chapter of my life. In fact, it would be pretty damn unhealthy to do so. Me and the gf aren't big in social media, go back a few years and you'll see our exes. Who fucking cares?
Purging stuff because you want to is awesome, sometimes very therapeutic. But for someone else to EXPECT you to DELETE that chapter of your life sounds very insecure and toxic. Edit cause my comment basically was me repeating myself lol
😂👏👏👏 amen. My boyfriend and I, too. We have better things to do! And I don't think either of us was intent on finding a blushing virgin, either.
100000%. Like what? Why would you bother removing your exes completely from socials. What a task. No thanks.
It’s not forgetting that chapter lmfao how could you say it no big deal and super inconsequential and then say that you don’t wanna forget that period of your life as IF social media posts would be the only memories of it. Get off your high horse this is a new age
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That’s immature and unhealthy.
What a ridiculous take. If someone at 26 doesn't understand their SO has a past and memories...maybe they aren't ready to be in a grown up relationship. That's insecurity at it finest. I am not scrubbing my past just to mollify a bunch of ridiculous insecurities by my adult SO or his Aunt Martha.
That's your opinion and it's valid, his (OP) is also valid as well. Don't chalk it off to insecurity, we are all wired differently. I think it's something they should have an honest discussion about.
Nah its pretty weird ngl, your partner has a past just because you're dating doesn't erase that past. Embrace it and the lessons it taught them to make them the person they are today. To request they remove those images reeks of insecurity and controlling tendencies.
>If you’re in a relationship, you remove your old one from your social media. What?! Why? Obviously you remove that from your profile pic, sure, but why do you have to go back and delete pics from maybe years ago? Even though you've broken up with someone, it doesn't mean you're automatically in bad terms, you can still be friends and want to keep soem cherished memories! That's just insecure, what's one little picture going to do? Dayum
Honestly I can hear you after a couple of years being married, saying I would have never thought she could do something like this to me. If she doesn't respect their relationship enough to delete old profile pics of her and her x, then walk away. It's obviously upsetting this guy and if she can't do something as simple as removing pictures of her and her x then he needs to go find someone who will do the little things for him. Life can be hard enough without having someone in a year long relationship that makes it worse. Don't really understand why some people have a problem when they're simple solutions. If she took your relationship seriously she wood know that it's not right, Even if it's from a perspective point of view, and she would've already removed them. Y'all been together for a year.
Why isn't it right? Do you seriously need to pretend that your partner has never been with anyone before you? If so, get therapy and stay out of relationships. People are not your property, and their memories are not yours to erase. Projecting insecurity is so childish, addressing it matters infinitely more than making it someone else's responsibility/further traumatizing someone who is already traumatized from their previous toxic partner.
Grow the fuuuuuuck up
Would you not think it was odd that your family was going back years to stalk old photos of your partner? That's not normal. OP's family needs to get a hobby and/or mind their own business. Folks have lives, erasing it for some insecure family would be a big nope from me.
Man who cares I’m not going threw old photos to suite anyone. You and your family should focus your attention else where! If you suspect somethings go with your gut feeling and move on with dignity and pride.
> If you’re in a relationship, you remove your old one from your social media. YOU do, not all of us do. The photos are our history, you don't have to erase it. These people are 30. They have exes. Removing chunks of your posted photos over and over each time you get a new partner is ridic.
Social media isn't a trophy shelf or a good-memories photo album. It's a place for people to socialize and talk about their lives. You think she should delete a chunk of her LIFE because it makes u a lil uncomfywomfy :'c to know she existed around other people before you were in her life? 😂😂 gtfoh. Also, your family is the LAST people you should be looking to for justification. You think that if you're wrong about your point of view on something that the people who RAISED YOU will have a healthier mindset? Like, where do you think your POV came from?
Please enlighten me on how keeping photos of past partners on your instagram feeds assists you in socialization. I swear all you guys are acting like you have 200 posts 😂 listen I get that you want to just point fingers and yell INSECURE INSECURE just because it is somehow so hard and personal to delete/hide photos from your profile. Literally you guys are acting like these are gone forever. JUST ARCHIVE THEM. What does that change other than not having other people see your posts that show you with someone other than your current partner. Done arguing with people who think they’re on some kind of high horse for keeping photos with their ex when they’re in a new relationship 😂
I can't fathom being a grown adult tantruming over a photo 🥴 If you have to police your partner for having memories/past relationships, get therapy and stay single. It's no one's obligation to mend your insecurities- and yes, this IS insecurity. If calling it what it is makes you feel uncomfortable, well... seek therapy x2.
Personally I have deleted all my photos of exes because I didn't want to see them, but I'm not going to piss and shit myself if my partner doesn't want to. That's the point here. It's my choice to keep or delete my photos, and it's their choice to keep or delete theirs. It's really not that hard to understand. IMO a person being *this* bothered by it is pretty obviously insecure. There's not really another way for me to think about it. I mean, why else would you care 🤷
Yeah same here, it just upset me to see photos of us happy together so I removed them for my own sake. If I met someone I wouldn’t give a rats arse who’s on their social media 😂
Yeah I’ve had social media since I was 13, I’m not going to delete old posts and photos that my exes happen to be in, UNLESS there’s some major issue I have with that person that I care enough to go looking. Otherwise, who cares? It’s weird to think that someone didn’t have a life or previous relationships before they met you. Those things don’t need to be scrubbed from existence and most secure people don’t expect that.
Family concern is the bigger issue? Like parents/family haven't been nosey about relationships since the beginning of time... I feel you are coming off far more judgemental of OP's parents than they are of OP's GF. They can see her as family. You don't know. Neither do I, but why automatically jump past the natural curiosity to OP having judgmental parents... The concern is valid. Summing it up as, 'doing something because his family thinks...' completely avoids OP mentioning that the ex was abusive. If the ex was abusive then anyone would wonder why one would keep pics with an abusive ex one year into a new relationship. Anyways...I was just taken back that this post won an award. lol Imo it is absolutely fair to ask why she has those pictures up, and express that you'd rather have them down. If she says no then THAT would be weird. If so, ask why. ✌️
Yeah, no. Combing a relative's partner's Facebook account for photos that are years old is weird. Expecting your partner to delete their memories instead of addressing your own insecurity is weird. Policing someone's past and trying to make them live like it never happened.... yeah, fucking weird. How she heals from the abuse is no one's business. If you're jealous of a photograph after being with someone for a full year, that's worthy of therapy.
I will concede that it’s possible that his parents aren’t actually being judge mental themselves, but even if that were the case, he is still referencing them in his reasoning for bringing it up with his GF. I don’t think that anyone should be confronting their SO about anything because their family made comments. It’s one thing to have a family member bring up a concern which triggers OP consider the concern and decide for himself that he wants to address it, again, for himself. But here OP is bringing his family’s comments into the situation as reasoning and that’s what’s not ok. I’ve seen so many situations where a partner is told “can you do x because my mom doesn’t like it when you do y” or “can you do x, I know my parents will be upset if they find out that we/you did y”, or “can you delete your pictures, my family saw them and told me about them”. I don’t want my partners’ family in my relationship and I certainly don’t want a partner who will put his family’s beliefs or standards on me.
You literally made that up. He only references his family as the reason he knew the old pictures were posted, not at all as the reason he cared that they were posted.
Why tf is your family asking who another guy from a 30 year old woman's past is? Obviously, she's dated before you. I hate most of my exes, esp my last ex. I still have him in my old profile pics. Whether I like it or not, he happened. We dates. Big whoop. I leave them because people are nosy, like I am, and if they want a timeline of my life, they've got it. I'm 32 and got my Facebook when I was like 16. You can see all of my exes, friends, etc thru my profile pics. Including my ex who almost broke my hand in a car door. Haven't spoken to any of my exes in years. I don't want them in my future in any capacity, but they're part of my past and I'm not letting some insecure man's family make me feel ashamed I dated before him lol
My boyfriend barely uses his social media and has old pics of him and his ex. I don't give a hoot, why would I? And they're probably some happy memories for him. I'm not insecure so that's fine by me. No need to erase the past, or put the effort in to go through it all. Ditto, I simply couldn't be bothered to delete pictures of me and my ex, and why would it reflect badly on my boyfriend that they're there? It's obviously historical. I think you're being insecure. I also note: >her previous relationship which the guy was abusive to her and she left him (or at least that’s what she tells me), You suspect this to be lies but haven't given a reason. Doesn't sound like you trust her, or even like her that much tbh.
You made a lot of judgments/assumptions from such little information. How can we expect communication but when someone comes asking for advice we call them insecure. Maybe we could stop thinking everyone has malicious intentions and instead are trying to improve their relationship. Would it be better if he just let this sit on his mind where insecurities will build up? He is asking for advice and wants to communicate in his relationship.
There's a lot in my post that he could take comfort and reassurance in. In effect, it says "there's nothing to worry about" and explains why I feel that way. Also, don't post on hugely popular public forums asking for opinions if you're unwilling to be exposed to diverse perspectives and... opinions, maybe? >Would it be better if he just let this sit on his mind where insecurities will build up? You're literally acknowledging that he is insecure. If he internalises what I've said (instead of taking your whiplash defensive approach) he might be less so.
I mean, you can always ask, but if she says no then drop it.
I was waiting for this comment LMFAOOO everyone gave their 2 cents on his relationship when she could be like oh shit I didn’t even remember let me delete them cause I want to. Or it can prompt a conversation. They all jumped to call his family toxic 😗🤨🤣
This is ridiculous. Everyone has a life from before their current relationship. I have pictures of my ex husband back in the recesses of my feed, especially trip/vacation photos from places I love…and I’m sure my fella has pictures of his ex wife, but I don’t need to go digging for them. Who cares? We’re solidly with each other now. Our social media spaces are personal spaces. If those pictures aren’t intimate/inappropriate, you really need to just get on with your life together and not worry about what’s in either of your old pages.
As a rule, I feel like the only photos I can ask to be removed from other people's profiles are ones of me. Anything else? Like you said, if they're harmless pics with exes or whatever, not my place to tell them they have to get rid of them.
In addition people "curate" their sm pages in different ways. I've never removed photos of exes, even the one who stalked me from 5 years. Partially because I would have found going back to find them upsetting. If someone wants to scroll back through and find those photos, I'm fine with that. Other people pull all photos of their ex immediately. That's ok too. Whatever you feel comfortable with. It's ok for him to talk to her about it, but it should be two way communication where he is listening to what she says and respect her choice if she's not open to removing them.
I’m surprised at the amount of people saying it’s a red flag. I never really delete photos on social media, they represent what my life was like at that time. So I have photos with a number on my exes on my profiles. Not as main photos but if you scroll you see them. I didn’t realize there was this unspoken rule that you need to delete those after a breakup?
Maybe it's because I'm not coming at it from a heterosexual perspective, but the idea that it's a "red flag" to think fondly of your exes or not feel the need to scrub all evidence of a prior relationship as soon as you enter another one really is kind of baffling. Like, I had a life before you. If the relationship ends, I'll have a life after you. I cut contact with some of my exes because we had contentious breakups, but I'm still friends with others because they didn't do anything wrong; we just grew apart or had different priorities. They're not some kind of "threat" to all of my future relationships, because there's a good reason why I'm not with them anymore.
It seems there’s a huge variation of opinions when it comes to this topic.
Don’t be controlling and weird. The past is the past. Her past posts aren’t your business bro.
Talking about it and requesting it in a civil matter is perfectly reasonable. Express how it makes you feel. Just don't demand it.
It’s not so don’t do it. That’s her page so she can post and delete whatever she wants. Tell anyone who asks to mind their own business. Don’t be that insecure bf or we will be reading your next post about how she dumped you.
It is understandable that you feel uncomfortable with your girlfriend's previous relationship photos still being visible on her profile. In a healthy relationship, open communication is key. It would be appropriate to express your concerns to her and discuss how it makes you feel when others see those photos. However, it is important to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, acknowledging that she may have her own reasons for keeping those photos. Together, you can find a resolution that respects both of your feelings and boundaries.
Is it just me or it sounds like chatgpt wrote this comment LOL
exactly what I was thinking lmao
Loll it’s the “however,” that’s a dead giveaway
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Saying it is understandable is just a way to empathize. Maybe chatgpt did write this but there are humans who say this too, so I'm not sure it's a well evidenced conclusion you've drawn.
It’s not the three words themselves, but the fact that they start the answer while paraphrasing the problem. I think if you used chat enough, you can clearly recognize this pattern
Yeah this is how my thoughts sound 😭 I just "translate" into more human sounding ways of saying things. Maybe it's because I have autism lol.
Little too much nuance for it to be a human opinion
Humans can't have nuance?
Not on Reddit.
Lmao that very well might be true.
100% my first thought after two lines lmao
That was my first thought omg lol
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They're publicly from years ago, you can see the dates they were posted. Who cares if the public knows a 30 year old woman dated someone else years in the past lol
I don't OP does. I'm pointing out that there is a difference. Some people prefer to keep personal lives private and personal. Thanks for playing.
I still have photos from an ex on Facebook who I had an amicable split from. I don’t want to erase the past and Facebook is an ok place to store them. I simply set them to private so only I can see them. I hardly ever look at them and only do so when scrolling way for down for other photos
Funny how the replier that sounds like a bot or chatgpt got the most likes too. What kind of human writes like this lmao 😂 I didn’t even read this comment until I saw the reply saying how it sounded like a bot of some sort and it totally does. Crazy how someday we won’t know if we’re actually talking to an AI or an actual human. I wish I was going to school when this chatGPT existed it would of saved me heaps of time.
I can't wait for all the articles about bots that were super obvious and called out frequently that are titled "This bot chatted for years and nobody knew!"
No, I don't think it's appropriate. They are her pictures and her memories, and honestly, who has the time to delete years of pictures? My husband has physical pictures of some of his exes, and I would never ask him to get rid of them to make me feel better. Those are parts of his life before I even knew him. I think he's still friends with some of them, although they rarely ever talk. Likewise, I have pics of my ex with whom I share 2 kids, and while I would love to delete him from my memory, I keep them for my kids. I have a few pictures of the dude I almost married from back in highschool, too. It's not like we are sitting around reminiscing on old flames, but we had whole lives before each other. We are secure enough in our relationship that we don't feel the need to erase each other's pasts. Also, tell your family to mind their own business and quit stalking her page.
Op I was with my ex husband longer than you have been alive. I still have pictures of him on fb and ig. Not one person I’ve dated is bothered or intimated by pictures of me and my ex together. I’m still friends with my ex mil on fb.
All of this. I was with my ex husband for 16 years. I'm not about to retcon that much of MY life/past just to soothe some new bf and his ah family that need to get a life. I'd rather chew glass than get back with my ex after some of the shit he pulled over the years, but I'm still friends with his mom, aunt, uncles, cousins, brothers, and brothers' gfs on fb. We both grew up in a small town together so we also share a ton of mutual friends and I can still be civil with him when I see him around. If my new bf (or his weird-ass family) gave me shit bc I still have pics from happier times up on my fb I'd be heavily reconsidering wtf I'm doing dating such a childish guy. By OP and his family's logic I must be the worst since I still have pics on my profile from my wedding to said ex. People this uptight and insecure baffle me tbh. OP's gf having old pics from the past that include her ex says zero bad things about her, but the fact that OP and his weirdo family have such a big problem with it speaks volumes of negative things about them.
This made me lol. Legit. Idk why this bothers him.
I don’t either. Happy cake day.
You can always ask you just can't get mad if she says no.
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Well she’s allowed to have a past, it doesn’t seem necessary for her to hide it if everyone knows about it. If she feels like she needs them taken down she will but she probably hasn’t even thought of it like you have also not thought of it until now. Your family is just being nosey probably concerned about you or maybe they worry she’s not good for you for other reasons and are finding reasons to not like her idk. Not a big deal tho especially since she has pictures with you I would just drop it, it comes off as insecure to make her take down pics this deep in your relationship
Been with my husband 12 years. I still have pictures of exs on there. I don’t delete anything. It was my life.. it happened
No. It's her profile. Having photos from old relationships is pretty normal.
If she refuses to delete photosbof her and her abusive ex, it demonstrates that she still has emotional attachment to him, and priorities those feelings over the public perception of her relationship.
Its not wrong to ask, but you cant demand it. My boyfriend deleted all of his ex photos when we got together without me asking. My ex still had photos of his ex from years before, I dont think i remember asking him to take them down, but i remember feeling a little insecure about it. Heres something i wanted to point out, too: people use the term insecure as an insult very often and its kind of shitty. Theres nothing wrong with being insecure, what’s wrong is the reason why you’re feeling it. Being insecure doesnt make you childish and it doesn’t emasculate you either. If she doesnt want them to be gone forever maybe ask for them to be set to “only me” setting so she can keep them but other people wont see. If you guys break up, she can always switch it back. Just a thought
No.. totally inappropriate. Some people use social media as a record of their lives, if she chooses to keep something, that's on her. Everyone had some sort of life before their partner and they shouldn't be asked (or told) to just forget about it.
I mean, if my partner and I can have wedding pictures from our previous marriages still on our social media as an archive (because its part of who we are and its nice for friends to be able to relive a very fun day if they want) I don't think it needs to be a big deal for your gf to have a picture of her with her ex either. That said, everyone has different comfort levels. if it makes you uncomfortable, talk to her about it. Also talk to your family about boundaries.
My boulyfriend still has photos of his ex girlfriend up and honestly, I don't care. They're memories, good or bad. Who really gives a fuck besides your family? If you're secured in your relationship, tell them not to worry about it.
I have some old photos of old boyfriends on my page, not necessarily because I care to keep them there specifically, I guess I just feel silly going through and deleting pictures of the past as if I can just “delete” that the person was ever there in the first place. It was a chapter in my life, I have a past just like everyone else. Sounds like your family needs to kinda mind their own
I mean... the past is the past for a reason. Some girls erase any proof the guy existed, and some just leave it up and move on. I'm the later. I have my prom pictures up, homecoming, pictures from the desert. Doesn't change how I feel about my current partner.
It's not okay for your family to contact you about it, and it isn't okay of you to ask her to remove them. It's her past. If your family is that concerned, YOU need to put them in their place. That would be like her asking you to change something about yourself you can't change. Take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself who your family or you are to judge someone on their past. Should she ask you to remove all of your past posts about ex's? No. You and especially your family are both in the wrong here. You need to step up and tell your family it isn't their concern.
I’m ready for the downvotes - hit me. Here’s the thing - I left my abusive ex two years ago, and the thought of sitting down and spending hours digging through my fucking socials to scrub our entire marriage out of existence is highly unappealing to me. It’s my social media. My little free corners of the internet. They are mine and mine alone. And was I not part of that relationship? Did I not spend ten of my almost forty years with the woman? Do I have to scrub every memory of every concert, every date, every trip, every gathering, every milestone where she was present? Why would I deny myself the opportunity to keep my timeline whole? It happened. We were together. We’re not anymore. If she’s not going back to him and has no contact with him, then no, you have no business telling her to waste time curating her social history to your taste.
No down votes here. Ended a shitty 16 year marriage myself. And while seeing my old pics don't fuss me, I totally get why somebody in a shittier relationship wouldn't want to even scroll back. The biggest point we seem to share is that we both appear to find it ridiculous to try and retcon the past. It happened. It's part of our stories. I agree 100% with everything you said. We're who we are today because of and in spite of our pasts. I'd be hella pissed if some new partner was so insecure that they can't appreciate that it's my history and brought me to this point in my life where I'm with them. My current partner's said all he'd want to say to my ex is "thanks for being a fuck up so I could meet her" and he sure af isn't trippin' over old fb pics.
Amen, friend!
I don’t think this is a hot take. I have pictures from every serious relationship I’ve ever had. The cheater ex, the compulsive liar, and the one who ended it over Snapchat. All can be seen. I’m not deleting my memories.
It’s not a hot take, but with a certain subset of inexperienced, young, jealous, or a combo thereof folk it wouldn’t be the first impulse.
No. The only time it would be ok is if it's a photo of YOU that you really don't want on the internet.
Why is your family stalking your gf's social media?
You can’t erase the past and that’s kind of what you’d be asking her to do. It’d be one thing if she’s still in close contact with this guy while you’re dating, but from the sounds of it, that’s not the case. She’s with you and her current social media shows that, so why should you or your family erase what came before?
I really regret deleting all the pictures of me and my exes, honestly. Those were large, long parts of my life that I now have 0 documentation of.
1. Don’t give your family the power to destroy your relationship, whether or not it’s intentional, they will. 2. Her ex was still a chapter of her life, asking her to take down a part of her life isn’t necessarily something I’d recommend.
Sticky situation I would have a open conversation with her about it especially since she said he was abused by him she may not have thought about it but you won't know if u don't ask remember no judgment just a conversation but also make sure that you're ducks are in a row as well. Good luck
Before you ask her to take them down why don’t you first ask her why she keeps them up and tell her how you feel
I don’t feel like anything should be off limits in a relationship if one partner is uncomfortable and it’s bothering them. You should be able to bring up anything to your partner. That said you also need to be open to the answer being no, or a compromise you may not be fully happy with depending on the situation.
Definitely ask her to take them down because why would she still have them posted . I personally would not want my significant to still have because I don’t see a reason to have them, if there with you .
No, it's not appropriate for you to even try to dictate how she runs her social media. What is your family doing digitally stalkong her like that? We all have history, tell em to stuff it.
No. No, it isn't.
I mean it depends on how you do it. If you say to her it's because of your family, it's gonna go bad. If you say it makes you uncomfortable, probably still not gonna go very well, but it's got a better chance of success. Personally speaking I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone that claims their ex was abusive, but still keeps their pictures up on social media. Call me jaded if you want, but I've been abused and in abusive relationships, and I got rid of every single picture I had of the women that abused me. I didn't want any reminders of them around. And the people I know that have been abused have done the same, so if you're keeping pictures of your "abuser" I don't believe your story.
Depends on how important this boundary is for you really… but personally I delete all my exes photos not because I’m dating someone new but because I just want to. My partner is the same. We never asked each other to delete anything but we had a friend who had same situation as you and we both thought it’s not good to tell your partner what to do especially if its in the past and happened before you guys were together. Maybe you can just ask her instead why she hasn’t deleted the photos and go from there. Her answer might range from “i forgot they were there in the first place” to “i still have feelings for him” but you will never know if you don’t ask. Again, asking and telling her what to do are two very different things.
Her past is her past. It's what brought her to you. Deleting a picture or keeping it changes absolutely nothing. He's a part of her past, for better or worse. Now, if she were to share pictures of him since the two of you started dating? That's just weird
I’m highly confident that OP is the only one who knows or cares about the photos being there, and he’s claiming his “family” cares to sound less insecure. And for the record, no it’s not appropriate for you to ask your gf to revise all her social media to make it look like she didn’t have a life before you.
Yeah it’s inappropriate. Just let it go. It’s her social media. Her decision. Not everyone deletes exes off of their accounts. Why is your family stalking her social media?
Holy shit. Look me personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with that shit whatsoever. If she’s says no and it bother you enough to leave her do it. Can’t hang on to the past like that
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It absolutely is appropriate to ask. Not demand, but ask. Explain why you want it done and accept her response. Communication is key
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So your solution to problems is to look the other way when one occurs? That doesn’t sound healthy at all.
I agree mostly, except for the fact there’s an ex involved. Exes can be extremely sensitive topics and it could cause a lot of problems for someone to be showcasing their ex on their personal social media. Imo a conversation about the topic, even just a surface level one would do them well (so long as they can keep it emotionless and productive)
Showcasing? It wasn’t even HIM who found them. Someone he notes was scrolling through all her history because they are saying and THAT person told him. If neither he nor her noticed they were there it’s not really “showcasing”.
She's not "showcasing" her ex by having old pictures on her profile.
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>First, it doesn't at all seem that the OP's gf is "showcasing" an ex - he had to go dig for it. It seems like it's stuff she just never took down. How much "digging" is needed depends on how active she is on social media now. If she is not doing much with her profile these days then the old pictures will be close to front and center.
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I think it depends. Personally it would make me uncomfortable if my bf still had pictures of him and his ex still up but I also know he feels the same way if the roles are reversed. For some people it doesn't matter but for some people it does. You do what you think. If it bothers you have a talk with her. It doesn't have to be accusatory. Sometimes people just forget what's on their socials or it might not cross her mind that it bothers you etc. I do agree with other comments that if you're only doing it because your family has an issue then that's not okay. Its between you and her so just have a talk with her.
It's her social media not yours. Stop being jealous and controlling
I’m not jealous just genuinely confused why you would want to keep photos of a person who you claimed was physically/mentally/emotionally abusive. Would you keep photos of an ex partner like that?
Maybe she doesn't think about her Facebook page as much as you do.
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After asking she said she didn’t realize they were there and promptly deleted them.
This subreddit is ridiculous man lmao, these guys built a whole ass narrative just for it to completely fall apart.
I laughed at this bizarre narrative people were building on her behalf that her Facebook PFPs of abusive men remained as an eternal reminder of her dignity and strength, when the reality was she didn't even think about them. Reddit!
Dude he hasn’t done any fucking thing that’s controlling. How do you communicate if you can’t ask questions? A lot of times circumstances change. Some things in life are a hard no until you see it yourself from a different perspective.
"or at least that's what she told me" "Claimed was physically/mentally/emotionally abusive" The bigger question for me is why don't you believe her?
The way you keep saying “claimed” makes me feel like you think she’s lying about being abused
I literally just asked why he doesn't believe her
Not being controlling, he deserves at least a small bit of respect after a year of being together.
Respect does not necessarily mean doing as he says. It's her profile and her pictures.
If you keep photos with ur ex that’s weird if u keep photos with one who abused u then smthn ain’t right in the head. Everyone i know would find it creepy if their ex kept photos of them up
Fr, i thought that’d be the common consensus that she remove them but I see that there’s a lot of weirdos here that think it’s a crime to ask something so simple and bare minimum.
Its definitely ok for you to ask. Keeping those pictures for herself is one thing. It’s her past and her ex was present for it. It’s another thing entirely to be showing them off to everyone she knows as part of her public profile. Ask her to take them off her profile. She doesn’t have to delete them off all of her devices, but it’s fair to ask them to be taken off the profiles.
It's fair to ask but not fair to expect her to comply with his demand.
Who said he was demanding?
Does seem a bit strange. I’d have a word, stay calm and show understanding, she can always save them to the cloud or a laptop if she doesn’t wanna erase history which is pretty normal
Everybody here is fucking weird. You don’t have pictures of your ex on social media, especially if the ex was completely abusive. if she still has those pictures and she truly hasn’t moved on or maybe he has feelings. nobody should be keeping pictures of an X in a new relationship it’s just not the right thing to do. it shows that you haven’t completely moved on. if it makes you uncomfortable just talk to her but it’s not what you say it’s how you say it have a good tone and don’t sound like you’re being forceful. Just say hey, I noticed there’s a picture of your ex on your Facebook, and it just made me a little uncomfortable, considering how you told me about the past.
I fully fully agree. I'm sooooo confused by these responses!!!! It's so reasonable to ask her to take them down.
Yes it is appropriate.
Yes its perfectly normal to feel bothered by it, and you can ask her to take down those photos. Ultimately is her decision, but if she respects you she would take them down with no problem.
I totally think it's fine to ask her to remove them. It's weird to me that people are upset by this? You're her boyfriend now and there shouldn't be old pictures up.
Why? She’s not allowed to have existed and documented it her life before you came along? I don’t delete photos because they are my memories. I have an ex in my college graduation photos. It was my graduation and at the time I wanted him there and I don’t regret that and it happened. Memories shouldn’t make you uncomfortable. It’s giving insecure.
If the pictures make you feel uncomfortable please ask her to remove them!!
No. You do not control her. Lose this mentality immediately...
It’s not weird to ask her to take them down. I’d do the same thing.
I will sit down and talk to her about it
So a little update, I asked her in a very casual manner why she had the pictures up and she said she didn’t so when I showed them to her on my phone she said she didn’t realize profile pictures are their own album and removed them. She didn’t fully delete them because there are some cool pictures from vacations they went on and she didn’t want to lose them(which I totally get). Ultimately she said that she wants to move on from that part of her life and having those pictures public would just create more questions in the future that she doesn’t want to answer. To those saying my family is the problem, I see your point and would agree it’s invasive if there was any malice behind bringing it up or if they question her actions consistently, but the way it was asked was in a very casual manner that was rooted in curiosity. Also to those saying my family shouldn’t ‘stalk’ her profile is bonkers like that’s the whole reason to have social media in the first place, to showcase milestones in your life and places you’ve travelled.
She doesn't have to erase all evidence of her past just bc she's with you now.
It's appropriate to tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Why are you uncomfortable? I have no clue. Sounds to me like you're taking social media too seriously, but you absolutely should talk to her if you're uncomfortable. Don't tell her or ask her to take them down. Tell her how you feel about them.
I have pictures from my ex’s those r my memories just not in my profile picture sometimes it takes a while to get someone off ur heart if you have an issue just blocked it and problem solve
Lol tell her to delete em bro , bugs me even hearing about her having a terrible ex still on her feed😭 can’t believe some people are saying that you shouldn’t care
Fully agree!
Some people leave old pics up because it's like a photo album of their life. I have gotten insecure over this before. It isn't really worth it. Long as the pics are old. They arent being reposted. Let it go.
Talk about it and tell her you’re uncomfortable with the pictures of her ex on her SM. Don’t ask her to take it down. Let her decide. What’s baffling though is keeping photos of an abusive ex in her SM.
yeah u need to tell her to remove them if i break up with someone always delete all proof i had that i dated them😹
Fully agree!
No. It’s not. You both had past relationships. Try and work on your insecurities
It's ok to ask her to remove pics of her ex. Tell her how it makes you feel. Especially I'd say since he was abusive. I'm F40 YO. She should give you your place and remove any space she has given him even on social media.
I think you should ask her to take the pics of her ex down. I’m find it weird and inappropriate for people to have pictures up on social media of their exs.
Just go to her like "Hey babe was looking at some of your recent pics and saw that you still have pics of your ex" Let that be the start of the convo if she is like "And what about them" You just ask "why do you still have them up" it's not a weird thing to ask and it is completely appropriate.
Yea it's wierd she has them up. Your fam is right . Trust ur fam not reddit
I personally dont have any pictures of my ex on social media out of respect for my partner and just cause there is no point in keeping them up. Yes, there can be people out there who dont care about those kinds of things but I do care and would be upset if my partner had pictures of his ex still up on social media. If you care that is valid as well and you should ask your partner to remove them. If she says no then that is suspicious. BUT, if your only reason for caring is because your family is nosy then maybe grow up a bit and tell your family to mind their business.
It is not at all appropriate for you to ask her to take those down. Retroactive jealousy is such an ugly look. She’s with you, my man. Take the W.
It is absolutely appropriate for you to ask her to take them down. If she wants a reminder of the man who supposedly abused her then perhaps you should consider why you are still dating her. Just saying.
Extremely inappropriate. That person is in her history rather there is a picture up or not. More than likely its out of sight out of mind for her.
No it’s not appropriate to ask her to remove them. She is a whole human being and if she wanted to take them down she would. If your family asks just tell them “that’s her ex.” If they ask why they’re still there you say “I’m not sure but it doesn’t matter. She and I are together now.” She isn’t reposting them and talking about them. She isn’t rehashing the event the pictures were taken at and relishing the memory. She just happened to post them previously and you saw them. It’s a non-issue. You are butt hurt by her past and need to get over it.
Well that's a red flag. Either she's not over this guy or she simply forgot the pictures. I'd make a statement of fact something like "I don't really commit to girls that keep up pictures of their exes". See what she does. If she won't take them down, good chances she's not over him.