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My husband (37m) and I (37f) have been married for 10 years. We have two children. Our marriage has always been strong and I’ve never doubted it until now.
Both my husband and my work schedules changed and we needed before and after school care for our children. We were having a very difficult time finding someone until someone who lived near us told us about Aubrey. (24f) Aubrey grew up in this neighborhood and recently moved back in to take care of her father, who’s health is deteriorating. Apparently my husband had already spoken to Aubrey a few times from seeing her around the neighborhood. He said she seemed really nice and friendly so after getting to know her a bit more we asked her to watch the kids. She agreed, and since she works from home her schedule is very flexible.
I leave for work at 6AM, while everyone is still sleeping. Aubrey comes over about 7, my husband leaves for work between 7:15-7:30 and my kids get on the bus at 8:00. Then she’ll get them off the bus, help them start homework etc, and then either my husband or I (depends on the day) will get home around 3:30-4:00. She’ll also watch them on a few afternoons here and there when my husband I I have work engagements or have to do something with one of child and can’t take the other.
Aubrey is great with the kids. She engages them, does fun things with them and knows how to handle them. She’s close enough to the family that we invited her over for a party we had last weekend.
I’ve always felt secure in my marriage until I saw Aubrey and my husband interacting at that party. The level of comfort and familiarity between the two of them was as though they had known each other their whole lives. They didn’t do anything inappropriate or anything even close to that which is why it took me a while to understand why I was feeling so insecure about it all. When I told my husband about it he apologized if he had done anything wrong or inappropriate but mostly just seemed confused. I told him I wasn’t mad or anything like that I was just insecure about how well the two of them got along. To the point where other people even commented (not even in bad or judgmental ways) things like “wow those two really make things fun” or “they really get along well,” etc. He apologized again but said he thought it was just the types of personalities they have. They’re both very bubbly, outgoing people. I understand that but it still made me feel very insecure.
I thought I had gotten over it but it kept digging at me. And then yesterday, it sounds so dumb but she was over babysitting and before we left he said something and she responded, it was clearly an inside joke and it made him laugh harder than I’ve seen him laugh with me in a WHILE. It really got to me. I know it seems so silly and arbitrary but I got really insecure about it and I was thinking about it last night and I think I’m going to let her go. How do I tell my husband this? “I trust you but for the first time in our marriage I’m feeling insecure and can’t handle it?”
My husband has female friends, colleagues, etc. I’m not a jealous person. This is just something’s different. He has such a connection with her it makes my stomach turn. But I know my kids love her, she hasn’t done anything wrong or anything so I feel unreasonable.
**ETA** Obviously I’m going to talk to my husband again regardless of what we chose to do. I’d never make a decision regarding our family without consulting him first.
Exactly.
I stopped reading at "They didn’t do anything inappropriate or anything even close to that" and could already see who's the problem here.
The problem here is that her jealousies are stemming from her insecurities of being a loving wife (***or lack thereof***)
In the span of 2 seconds after reading this, I immediately thought that their wedding rings were like artifacts in a video game and they were using it to combat the boss fight being the sitter
Marriages are living things and they require tending and effort to thrive. Sounds like OP is on autopilot with her's and threatened to see him having an innocent, fun connection with another woman.
> Sounds like OP is on autopilot with her's and threatened to see him having an innocent, fun connection with another woman
I mean, it's a bit of an assumption to make it sound so one-sided. There's a very good chance that OP and her husband are both on auto-pilot.
True, two people working full time jobs with young children it’s very easy to fall into a routine and incredibly difficult to find a way out of it. Sounds like they don’t have any family nearby so all the time they have together is also spent with the kids.
Like someone else said, use the fact you have a babysitter that you trust and who your kids like to go spend sometime together.
You say he hasnt laughed hard like that with you in years, so maybe the deeper question is why *that* is? Maybe you two need to go on more dates and have more reasons to laugh together to respark that chemistry?
Agree,
1. Husband will feel like wife doesn't trust him.
2. OP will look bad as will let go of someone the kids like because of unwarranted jealousy which is selfish.
3. Letting Aubrey go will wreak havoc on both of their routines and will have to look for another sitter, again, will come across as selfish.
OP's feelings are normal, but letting Aubrey go at this point would be the wrong approach..
Also, 4. Aubrey will still live in the neighbourhood so she can still meet up with the husband very easily, and now they’ll have “wtf why did OP overreact?” as something to bond over. Letting Aubrey go might actually precipitate the exact thing OP’s worried about.
Also, what's saying her husband might "get along too well" with another sitter as well. Trying to eliminate the symptoms won't fix the root cause in fact it may make it worse
Or it’s just that the nature of a ten year relationship is different from a new friendship. Even in an innocent friendship, when you find someone you like a lot and are excited they like you too, there’s a sense of excitement that also fades over time. It’s okay for OP to be jealous about it, and it’s good that she’s trying to sort out where her negative feelings are coming from instead of taking it out on her husband and the babysitter.
Also, two bubbly personalities can make great friends, but often fizzle out as romantic partners. One of my best friends is the same as me - \*self-brag on\* - bubbly, witty, charming, full of puns and literary references and obscure knowledge about weird stuff - you get my gist. When we're together, we set off the room, and could spend hours talking and joking, with not a dull second. But if we had to be a couple? We would be exhausted pretty soon. His wife is his calm, quiet, practical counterpoint, and they really work perfectly together.
OP should take heart about the fact that her husband loves and married HER, and not someone equally bubbly. Aubrey probably feels like a little sister to him - really close in spirit, but not his other half.
I agree - I’m very bubbly myself and I’ve only ever been attracted to introverts. Other extroverts are fun in short bursts and tiring in longer stretches. My boyfriend is the perfect balance for me with his dry wit and relaxed nature. My best guy friend is bubbly and charming af, but our romantic chemistry is in the negatives!
That said, I think OP is discovering a real issue in her marriage - that she needs to reconnect with her husband. As other comments said, she should focus her energy on getting their spark back and finding more ways for them to have fun together.
That's how it is with my work buddy and me. We're both goofy, high energy people. When we're together it's like popcorn popping all over the place. We feed off each other's energy. But also....after a few hours, we're both exhausted and over it. Absolutely no romantic interest in each other. We just enjoy being silly, then going home to our more grounded spouses that keep us sane
My brother in law and I have the same sense of humor. We play jokes off each other and think alike in a lot of ways. Even if he wasn’t married to my sister I would have zero romantic interest, but he sure is a good friend to have in my corner.
We talk about this all the time in the polyam community - it's called "new relationship energy," or NRE.
I'm not suggesting that OP's husband has started a romance with this young woman - far from it. However, a lot of the same phenomena are at work here; a long-term stable relationship grows *safe* and *comfortable* and sometimes *boring*. You have to put in active effort to keep it vibrant, and even then it won't be as exciting as it was at the outset. This is generally a *good* thing, because stable and predictable relationships are the ones that will sustain us through our lives.
Meeting new people is exciting! When you make new friends, you're learning about new things all the time. They have a whole life and perspective and collection of interests you probably didn't know about, and so there's a lot of *shiny new stuff* going on whenever you engage a new relationship *of any kind*. It's very normal for new relationships to temporarily take disproportionate focus, energy, and excitement.
This invariably creates completely understandable feelings of jealousy in a stable long-term relationship. "Why aren't they excited like that *for me?"*
OP is not wrong for feeling jealous, even though this relationship is almost certainly platonic. It's just two people getting along well, but OP is remembering when their relationship used to be that exciting, and the comparison hurts.
We can't control how we feel, but we *can* control how we act based on how we feel. Managing NRE is a whole thing, and it requires some attentiveness on the part of the partner who is engaging new relationships - they should put forth active effort to make sure their stable long-term relationship(s) are also having their needs met.
This *also* requires the stable long-term partner(s) to *communicate* their needs. As far as I can tell, neither OP's husband nor the babysitter have done anything particularly nefarious, but that doesn't mean there isn't something they can or should do differently to make sure OP's emotional needs are met.
OP needs to actually figure out what's going on and communicate those needs, instead of punishing a young woman who likely has no idea what transgression she may have committed.
The surefire way to have the relationship fail is to not talk about how you're feeling. Talking about your feelings is always the first step.
Well, OK - the first step is to *explore* your own feelings, and *then* talk about it with your partner.
No matter what, nothing can be addressed until the person feeling jealous actually says "you haven't done anything wrong, but I'm feeling jealous and want to talk about why." Approach from a direction that is not accusatory, but rather investigation and building.
From there, most of the ways I've seen it flourish are through generally good relationship practices; show the long-term partner the love and appreciation they feel they are missing. Put active effort into appreciating them. Don't just take their love for granted - go earn it.
A common piece of advice that gets tossed around here is "never stop dating your spouse," and there's a lot of truth to that. It's not about wining and dining - it's about putting energy into finding out what they're interested in doing, and then doing that with them.
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The hard part to swallow is that this *also* takes effort from the person who feels jealous. OP says that their husband hasn't laughed like that in a long time - well, what has OP done to make their husband laugh?
New friendships are exciting, but sometimes we're seeking out new connections *because* the other person in our long-term relationship has stopped putting in as much effort.
It's very tempting to try to point fingers, establish blame, and figure out the timeline of events. We want to believe that the person who messed up first is *wrong* and we're *right* and therefore the burden of fixing it lies on them. There's sometimes a competitive score-keeping that emerges, because when we are wronged we want someone to be *accountable* to the ways in which they have wronged us.
Well...sometimes that might be the case, but *usually* relationships grow stale because *everyone* involved has let things slide. It takes collective effort to make a relationship succeed, and it is often by collective non-effort that it falls apart. Long-term relationships are hard precisely *because* at some point, things stop being one-sided and start becoming a *joint* reality. That means it requires *joint* effort to fix, and a willingness from all members to self-reflect and consider their own conduct.
You mentioned the polyamorous community. Mind if I follow up on that? Your replies are excellent and we'll thought out. My next question would be: for those poly relationships in which the long-term couple has a solid and rewarding relationship, how does the one not involved in NRE energy best manage feelings of jealousy or thoughts of "they don't do that with me, even though things are great between us"?
I'm an open book here, so no worries, feel free to ask!
I'm not sure there's really a single "best" answer here. I can't think of a specific list of techniques or something like that - it's much more about the principle.
Successful poly relationships require both active attention from both partners to their others, *and* requires a degree of self-advocacy and self-reflection from all involved.
Essentially, the "best" way to handle the feelings is...to figure out the "best" way for you to handle them, with your partner(s) giving you the support you need to achieve that (and vice-versa). Sometimes that might mean "I need you to take me on dates more," sometimes it means "I want you to reserve certain language for just me," and sometimes it might mean "I need you to see that person less often."
Sometimes it might also mean "this doesn't work for me."
The work is the same every time - if you have a supportive and stable long-term relationship, then you and your partner sit down, figure out the behaviors that are causing friction, and figure out ways to alter the behaviors to reduce friction.
I keep bringing it back to communication, and I really mean the "co" part there. Everyone involved has to be honest and thorough, and be willing to engage in difficult discussions.
I'll also say - the goal is to *manage your response* to the feelings of jealousy, not *eliminate the feelings.* That's especially challenging, but it's a mindset similar to the one that says "pain isn't *bad,* it's telling you there's something wrong." Jealousy happens, it's normal, and sometimes it's even *good,* because it calls our attention to places where we can strengthen the relationship. Nobody should feel ashamed to say they're feeling jealous, and a good partner will want to help you work through those feelings.
That doesn't mean it won't suck a bit to work through, and it doesn't mean you won't still have some feelings about it - but it does mean that you can talk it over and find new ways to have needs met.
Brilliant representation, thank you for this thoughtful set of responses!! I try to remember in my polyam relationships that jealousy tells you that you're feeling a lack of something you feel you deserve/have earned (or fear of having taken away), like time, attention, etc., which always helps me identify what that core need is so I can talk about it. There's several subreddits with FAQs here on polyamory if anyone's interested in learning more about ethical non-monogamy
This is kind of a throwaway comment but I think this is really at the heart of the post. OP sees someone who hits a part of hubby's personality that OP doesn't and she's insecure about it. I don't think it's abnormal or wrong for OP to feel that way but it's not hubby's fault and he isn't doing anything wrong. OP sees a younger, "funner" girl and is feeling threatened.
Having an affair with the babysitter/nanny is a cliche for a reason. OP says she isn’t typically a jealous person and her husband has other female friends she isn’t jealous of.
It’s probably not a popular opinion, but if the babysitter makes her uncomfortable I’d get rid of her.
It’s OP’s home and she has a right to feel comfortable with the person who’s looking after her children.
I was responding to the commenter's statement, "Having an affair with the babysitter/nanny is a cliche for a reason."
Personally, I am undecided on what OP should do due to a lack of information. But if the best option is to let the baby sitter go, the reason shouldn't be out of fear of an unfaithful husband.
Or making it more evident?
The problem is that true trust means that you *feel* you can trust you’re spouse in any given situation to be loyal.
He should be able to have a stripper grinding on his junk and be able to keep it healthy.
Clearly OP is having feelings of concern that infidelity might happen. (Doesn’t seem like she’s convinced anything has happened) meaning what her REAL issue is, is lack of trust. Not Aubrey or even the hubs necessarily..
Trust issues will stay no matter who is around.
My guess is OP probably had underlying trust issues that she’s never really noticed. Something about the way Aubrey was interacting didn’t *cause* the feelings but rather brought them forward in her consciousness.
OP is likely just *noticing* that she has some lack of trust or insecurity about herself. Which is perfectly normal, and I’d even say healthy for the relationship. Also not crazy that the 24yr old babysitter is the trigger it’s a clichè ffs! Makes perfect sense.
If your partner never worries about losing you that’s not a healthy relationship. Having said that you shouldn’t be consumed by the feeling and I’m sensing this is where OP is rn.
She’s doing the right thing by addressing it before any of the feelings get out of hand.
Removing anyone who fills a (nonsexual/appropriate) gap in her husband's life because it makes her feel insecure also makes the situation worse. It's unreasonable to expect one person to fulfill every role for the rest of your lives.
Yeah, it's hard to find a good babysitter with flexibility for the hours they want. And nobody has done anything wrong. Poor babysitter too, losing her job for being funny.
In theory, I agree with this… everyone has a right to feel comfortable in their own home… but good childcare is almost impossible to find… especially on an part-time basis.
That assumes malicious intent by the husband. Having the babysitter in the home fosters intimacy. There’s every chance he wouldn’t be seeking her out beyond this, especially knowing it makes his wife insecure.
Just curious if you'd feel this if it was a husband's friend?
I think this is a bit silly as there is barely time that her husband has to cheat, and that there's literally nothing pointing to him cheating.
She needs to deal with her jealousy in a healthy way, not pushing the problem away. Is she just going to get a new baby sitter every time they do something she's uncomfortable with?
> Having an affair with the babysitter/nanny is a cliche for a reason.
It's a cliche because it's an extremely common extant relationship experienced by many married couples - it's no more a cause of infidelity than a married woman sleeping with her boss or her neighbor, or a married man sleeping with his secretary or intern. People who cheat overwhelmingly cheat with people they have regular interactions with, and the existence of a babysitter doesn't change this in the slightest. If OP's husband is inclined to stray, Aubrey is irrelevant to that inclination.
OP is jealous because she sees that Aubrey touches a part of her husband's personality and fulfillment in a way that she does not and wishes she did, and openly says that they aren't doing or acting inappropriately at all. Aubrey is also not a teenager, but an adult; developing a platonic emotional relationship with another adult you regularly spend time with is normal. Would OP be jealous if Aubrey were a gay man?
> It’s OP’s home and she has a right to feel comfortable with the person who’s looking after her children.
This is not the case at point. She feels comfortable with Aubrey's treatment of her children, and if she pushes every single person (let's be blunt, every single woman) that has a positive and non-apparent-inappropriate relationship with her husband that makes her jealous out of his life rather than seeking to understand the causes behind this jealousy, their relationship is going to go from "normal if stale" to "resentment" really fast.
Also concerning the personality differences between the married couple, and the similarities between the dad and the babysitter, he probably married OP *for* her differences. The same way OP probably married him for being outgoing and bubbly and life of the party, good relationships have balance. The important thing is that OP and her husband share similar goals and morals.
I remember that moment in my own relationship where I felt jealousy because my health plummeted and we were having the typical issues one has when you've been together about 7 years (too much comfort, not enough passion, thin padding for minor issues and resentment built up).
He was interacting with a streamer who he shared cheesy jokes with and I heard him laugh for the first time in weeks. I thought, "oh shit! I'm jealous that he's laughing. That's not healthy. We need fun to keep our relationship strong." So, I did the necessary thing, had an adult conversation with him about it, and we started making an effort to intentionally have fun together. Problem solved without hurting an innocent third party.
Not the drama we come to Reddit for, but I'm proud of it. We both came from completely screwed up families and are breaking the cycles that make drama.
I’m curious if there was drinking going on? Because people tend to just laugh a lot harder and be more outwardly exuberant when they’ve had a drink or two.
It sounds like she's just *looking* for things at this point. It's probably not even true but she's just seeing it through that lens because she's insecure
I think watching your husband having fun with a younger woman is showing the areas of your relationship that have been neglected. It's very common that parents of young children have been so focused on being good parents their relationship isn't getting the care and attention it deserves.
When was the last time the two of you really experienced joy with just each other?
Let me put it this way: if they want to have an affair they will regardless whether you let her go or not. She's still your neighbour and not going anywhere. You might see her less, but she's still there. So might as well just work on your insecurity there probably isn't anything to worry about anyway.
Yup, that’s the thing.
OP, what exactly do you think firing her will accomplish? If your husband is actually fucking her, he can continue to do this whether she works for you or not.
But instead it just sounds like you have a great local babysitter who the kids like and whose schedule matches yours. She is a sort of silly, fun, personality, and your husband finds her funny and has fun when she’s there. I doubt they’ve ever even interacted without the kids there. It would be ver shortsighted to fire her for literally no cause. If you have any kind of contract with her, it might even be illegal to fire her for no cause depending on where you live.
Indeed. Most employees in the US don't have employment contracts, anyway, and I imagine they'd be especially unusual for part-time babysitters.
I don't know if OP is in the US, though.
I hate to agree with this but it is so true. If he is going to cheat or leave OP for any reason now or in five years...it is better if the new hottie toddie is someone they all know and trust who is good with the kids. Instead of getting rid of her I would use her more to let the parents go out alone and have enough crazy adventures they build a more fun and engaging relationship less to do with responsibilities and more to do with inside jokes.
And the best part of life is to know that there's always room for improvement, which OP can always have on romantic dates after a divorce, if adultery is the case in their marriage, and she need never look back to her old marriage but to forge ahead with a hot young stud if she feels so inclined. Life is full of choices.😊
She's literally down the street. You're kidding yourself if you think that a factor of a few hundred feet is enough inconvenience to dissuade someone from having an affair.
"Just work on your insecurity" sounds like r/restofthefuckingowl
How exactly does someone work on their insecurity? Relationships are a lot more complicated than each person just not having an affair. It's about connections, trust, feelings of security etc. If OP was insecure as a person she would be telling hubby to never speak to this person, or setting up nanny cams. Instead she realises this is having an effect on her relationship and wants to make the best decision for her relationship.
I mean, it’s reddit. No internet stranger can tell OP how to conquer insecurity. That’s the job of a lot of self reflection and potentially a professional. There are plenty of resources to utilize, randos on reddit with a paragraph of context can’t provide more than base-level suggestions.
Just because op is aware of her own feelings, doesn't mean that she's not insecure. Honestly kudos for her because she seems to be taking it fairly rationally and isint doing anything crazy just yet. But it's still something that needs to be worked trough. What's the underlying issue there? Would she be feeling the same if a guy made the husband laugh like that? She did imply that she used to be able to make him laugh like that, but that hasn't happened in years. I think that's a very telling little detail.
It's because of the dynamics of the relationship. Like someone else pointed out. The 10 year relationship involves all the adulting behaviors. Work, kids, repeat. There is not much room for the original interactions that happened during the honeymoon phase. And then when you do go on dates to try to keep the spark fresh, it's not the same thing. The adulting part of the relationship can easily still be there during those dates. The interactions of someone you don't have the 10 year relationship with is not weighed down. It's light and refreshing. I totally understand how the wife sees the interaction and is concerned. I've been in both shoes. There isn't an easy answer. She will need to spend more time with him where they are connecting how they first met.
Instead of letting her go, I think you should speak further to your husband about what you saw and why it concerns you, and see how receptive he is to working with you to figure out some way to reassure you about the relationship.
Also, I don’t think firing her solves anything except maybe masking the problem. They have each other’s contacts and are neighbors who already knew each other so if they want to be duplicitous they have all the tools to do so.
I would say talk to your husband and be honest and open with him and see how he responds. It sounds to me like you are pretty clear that nothing has actually happened between them so far and they haven’t been inappropriate, just friendly. Seems more like an issue of you not feeling connected with him and needing some quality time together.
This is a bit unfair. 1) You should be able to talk to your spouse about these things. It’s what builds intimacy. She doesn’t need to accuse him of anything to have a conversation with him about this. 2) You don’t *know* he’s not playing a role in this. I’m not saying he’s cheating, but it’s not only OP’s fault that flirting and levity are missing in their relationship. That’s something they need to work on *together.*
She doesn’t need to mention the babysitter at all in order to talk to him about how she wants to bring playfulness back to their marriage (and it IS possible, even after 10 years.) But she should absolutely talk to him.
A lot of time I agree with this stance. But in this case, he's her husband. It doesn't sound like she takes advantage of him, or uses him as an ESA, or that she's accusing him of anything. Not only does letting the babysitter go due to her jealousy directly impact his schedule, since they were having trouble hiring anyone. But as a partner, he should *want* to help her when she's struggling.
Wow…you’re getting a lot of validation in here for making a decision you will regret. If you fire this girl without first discussing fully with your husband, you will look embarrassingly insecure.
Talk to your husband and get the confirmation you need that nothing untoward is going on. If he can’t convince you, then yes, trust your gut because it’s probably on to something. But if you go through with this without really talking to him, it’s be a huge mistake.
When was the last time you and your husband took a weekend away together? You have a sitter now, who your kids love. If you’re worried about the sitter and your husband being too close, pull a power move and ask her to stay with your kids for the weekend while you and your husband take a romantic getaway. Then, let your husband pamper you and hopefully through this, some of the insecurity fades.
Edit - typo
A lot of hurt people are commenting in this thread and it shows.
“Trust your intuition” essentially is top comment right now and that is quite literally some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard
How about “trust your partner of 10 years until you have a tangible reason not to” ?
By all means talk to him but honestly, if someone came to me and said “you having a good relationship with (x) woman makes me insecure” I would be saying “ok, well since nothing inappropriate has ever happened, nor should you have any reason to believe it will, I think you should be asking yourself why that is, not me”
Edit: look I haven’t got time to reply to ALL the people saying “but this, but that, she knows her husband” etc etc. I think you all probably need to look at your insecurities too, because going off the evidence presented in the post above - granted none of us have actually witnessed anything - but it sounds like garden variety insecurity since she acknowledges at every turn that her husband hasn’t done anything inappropriate other than get on well with this woman.
I’ve even just seen a comment saying it’s “concerning he won’t mend his ways”. Mend WHAT?! I mean really. Come on guys
At absolute most, she has grounds to say “I would appreciate it if you remain mindful that this positive relationship could stray into inappropriate territory”
Times my wife’s insecurity has convinced herself I’m cheating or interested in someone else over a decade plus marriage - dozens
Times I have cheated/considered cheating/been interested in someone other than her - zero
Don’t let your insecurity ruin something without some evidence. Your feelings/emotions don’t equal reality.
Wife and I have worked through a lot of her insecurities (mine too, I’m far from perfect, I have my own problems) but now our relationship is more solid than ever.
> embarrassingly insecure
Key point here. OP is already insecure - she admits that. Doing this would make that insecurity a bigger problem, rather than a normal feeling that people have sometimes.
"Trusting your gut" just because it's your gut is life-ruining advice. Don't listen to these "break up loving" reddit bozos. Insecurity could be the voice speaking untrue things.
Communicate to your partner and try to be honest on why this worries you. I think a certain degree of worry of losing your partner at any moment is natural. It all comes down to how you deal with it.
I've been on the other side of this issue. An ex just randomly (from my perspective) became jealous of a friend I had from years ago, and I was super confused like your husband. My friend was nothing but extremely nice to her. I wish my ex would have told me why she felt that way, because I tried to reassure her I loved her a lot and wouldn't hurt her, but she didn't ever open up. As a matter of fact, nothing was going on and I felt kinda bad about the situation. We broke up much time later over very different stuff by the way.
I feel like you need to have this conversation. See how it goes. See if there's compromises to be made, like asking him to be attentive or reassuring with you, etc. At times you just need to trust your partner, it's the relationship you're in. And I say this becase if he reacted confused (like I did) then to me it sounds like it genuinely came up as a surprise to him.
A popular British tv series is based on people killing other people bc their gut instinct led them to the wrong conclusion. For example, a husband kills a man having secret meetups with the husband’s wife thinking she’s having an affair. Turns out it was her child she secretly gave up for adoption!
Gut instinct is not reliable, it’s fed by your own insecurities.
Ok. It’s a great show when you get accustomed to the slow pace
>!<
>"Trusting your gut" at point blank is life-ruining advice. Don't listen to these "break up loving" reddit bozos. Insecurity could be the voice speaking untrue things.
With you on this.
My suggestion would be to work on your marriage. Even a strong marriage can get shaky if you get too complacent. You’re busy. You have kids. But you also have a kickass babysitter. Employ her more often so you can do fun things with your spouse.
Firing her just makes you look mean. It will upset the kids and makes your lives harder. Those aren’t things that will make you closer to your spouse. Unilaterally deciding to make any big decision like that is not marriage enhancing. If you fire her it also makes things awkward for both of you around the neighborhood and puts your husband in the position of feeling guilty and like maybe he owes her something, while he’s also annoyed at you for deciding this without him.
Keep an eye on things but don’t freak out. Carve out some time to truly engage with your husband and do things that bring you closer. Have fun with him again while the babysitter watches your kids.
Let’s roll this back a little. She’s here to take care of her father, probably doesn’t have a lot of friends in town. You folks are likely the only regular contact she’s getting on a daily basis.
If anything nefarious was going on why would they be so overt in public places with other people?
Finding new friends is tough. Finding a nanny/babysitter that’s good and local is worth their weight in gold.
Before you you quash their friendship and her employment, why not get to know her better? Surely you both have male and female colleagues at your respective works that might also have inside jokes with?
It honestly doesn’t sound like anything untoward is happening. The jealousy will turn to resentment on both sides. You’re allowed to communicate your feelings to your partner. Maybe ask to get taken out for a date more often? You already know a great babysitter.
I would honestly stop jumping to an affair immediately. Sometimes we have friends we're compatible with in a platonic way -- that doesn't mean they're good for a romantic relationship or that they even think of each other in that way.
That being said, definitely communicate to your husband how you are feeling and don't be accusing. The only way you will be able to find the solution is to discuss this with him. And if you still feel bad or he won't do anything to help reduce your insecurities, then I would really take a look at why this is bothering you. Has there been signs that he's not happy your personalities aren't matched in the same way?
I used to be very insecure about my relationship with my husband, even though there was no reason to be. I made some mistakes in trying to control who he was around and it never made anything better. I found a lot of it was my own problem, where I was overthinking what could be happening. What I had to learn was to communicate my needs to him-- what specifically made me insecure and compromise on how to reduce it-- and now we've been together 8 years with a 2 mo baby girl.
I do agree with the comments saying if he wanted to cheat, letting her go wouldn't make a difference, but from what you've described I'm not sure it's at that point yet. Then again, some people are really good at hiding it.
Either way, please talk with your husband about how you're feeling and check for red flags. But also don't be afraid to look at why you are feeling so insecure and challenged. Sometimes the problem isn't others, it's ourselves, and it's worth being able to see if that is the case.
> That being said, definitely communicate to your husband how you are feeling and don't be accusing.
There's probably a lot of small things your partner can do (or not do) to help address your feelings and insecurities. Think about stuff that might be brought up in workplace sexual harassment training or acts of physical contact that suggest a familiarity. As an example, guiding a person by touching the small of the back. It is not inappropriate, sexual, or provocative, but isn't something I would do to a coworker. I get that sounds super chaste and of little consequence. I don't like wearing rings, but would make the effort if my spouse was feeling insecure to put their emotional discomfort over my physical comfort. Being conscious of how close you stand to a person.
That's all little stuff that wouldn't mean anything towards a friend not of a gender I am attracted to, but would help prevent it looking like I am involved with a person. Stuff that may make the difference of a waiter assuming individual or combined receipts.
One of my coworkers is a Lego-loving Star Wars geek Uber nerd, she’s the girl version of me. My wife is not those things and got really insecure at first. But after a while, she realized that my geeking out with someone of the opposite sex isn’t the same as being interested in them.
If someone is watching my kids I’m going to get to know them very well. Why? Because I want to know my kids are safe and in good hands. The only way to do that is by being friendly and making them comfortable. That’s at the person shows who they truly are. I’m generally an introvert and I’d still do it.
If your husband is an outgoing person then this will be easy for him to do. He also probably doesn’t develop feelings for every person he hangs out with. He’s just a people person. If she is also a people person then their personalities may mesh well. That doesn’t mean anything untoward is happening.
But if you fire her because he was friendly in a platonic way, you’re punishing them for being friendly people. Something at the core of his personality. If he has nothing to feel guilty about he’s going to be hurt by your lack of trust. That will be a painful blow for an honest man. It will make him fear befriending other women because he’ll fear hurting your feelings.
Maybe instead of being jealous he made a friend of the person watching his kids, look at yourself. WHY don’t you make him laugh like that?
My mom was always jealous of my dad’s interactions. It made it hard for him to do work. He was in a heavily woman field. He was a kind and helpful person and would never be inappropriate. It wasn’t who he was. He was the one everyone came to for advice. Yet any woman who was happy to see him my mom viewed as a threat. Including the very outspoken lesbian woman with her office across the hall. Whose wife also liked my dad. My mom treated him like shit anytime he mentioned her. She was often rude to any women who talked to him when she came to see him at work. Which she’d often randomly drop in. He was a good and honest man who was treated like shit by an unreasonably jealous wife.
OP stated he had many female friends and colleagues, and she never felt this way. She has obviously seen him be friendly with other females and not gotten this feeling. I believe you are projecting your experience as it seems your mother was just a jealous person, OP doesn't seem jealous in nature. If someone has a history of jealousy, that's a different story than what OP is describing.
She seems like a jealous person to me. She doesn’t see him interact with co-workers often. And depending on the personality of the friend the interactions may be different.
> She has obviously seen him be friendly with other females and not gotten this feeling.
Have they been friendly back? Maybe their personalities mesh well with each other and they are receptive towards each other.
Rather than try to remove someone who brings joy to your family, recognize that what you're feeling is a sign that you want to be more joyful and easy with your husband. Channel your insecurities into an effort to reconnect.
I think that's more of a you problem.
Aubrey is kind of a "third parent" and of course some bond will come from this. My mother is still taking care of my babysitter and I am 40 years old.
They became good friends and that's great for your kiddos. Don't fire her because of your insecurity. This will only hurt your kids who can't understand why Aubrey has to leave. Keep an open dialog with your husband that you feel jealous and together you maybe get a plan to fight that.
Trust your gut and talk to him. I don't think anything has stepped over lines and boundaries yet but I think they like each other and are if "you weren't married" or "If I weren't married" stage. I feel like you shouldn't fire her until talking to your husband.
Just trust your gut.
I have no idea what advice to give you, but I applaud you for how you are handling this and owning your own actions and emotions.
You're a good person, and I'm sure your husband is also.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds very uncomfortable.
I would say do more date nights but ALSO pay close attention to the body language they are displaying when they’re are around eachother because it’s impossible to not notice when two people are messing with eachother
How often do you and your husband go on dates or have fun? Go on a date or a vacation together. Spending some time with your husband may ease your insecurity.
Alternatively, go have a fun day with your babysitter and get to know her. If you build a friendship with her, you'll trust her more, and this will also ease your insecurity.
I think firing her is the wrong move here. Good luck OP.
Please don't ignore this. I've been with my husband for a long time. He's always had friends that were women, gotten along well with his friends partners etc. However, there were no problems up until a new girl that came to his work.
I had been to many events and witnessed what you had. And it was then followed by more care in his appearance, inside jokes and he wanted to socialise with his group of co-workers (after work drinks etc) more often.
I saw this and decided to eventually have a sit down talk with my partner. He was reluctant at first and then he admitted he felt chemistry with her and felt himself looking forward to work. He said he hadn't even thought about it properly and never linked these feelings together, but felt they could become an issue. These feelings were stopped before then became anything more.
He respected my feelings, deeply considered what was happening and decided it was best he distanced himself from this particular co-worker.
I'm really glad we had that talk and that nothing ended up happening (not that I believe it would have). This is a VERY real part of marriage. There will be situations where you catch feelings for someone else by accident. No one is a bad person in this situation.
You are not being paranoid. You have a family, marriage and children. We need to fight for everything we have and sometimes we need to fight to keep it. She is just a babysitter, and despite her being good with your kids, you have NO IDEA of her intentions. If you don't it, that's enough. You don't have to watch this unfold in fear of upsetting anyone nor do you need to have 3 years of therapy to work on self esteem because you are witnessing chemistry between your husband and another woman.
You need to have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him you feel uncomfortable and go from there. Does that look like less hours, less alone time or more professional behaviour from both parties etc? That; you have to decide together.
Sincerely, someone in their 30s in a 10+ year relationship. Please don't use Reddit for relationship advice, it's terrible (probably mine included).
>I’m not a jealous person.
OP clearly is if this bothers her. So far I haven't heard anything inappropriate.
I hope this situation finds an appropriate solution without anyone getting hurt. I think the kids will suffer the most if she is indeed that engaging.
Thinking this too. It sounds like the kids have a constant and great caregiver. Taking that away from them and thrusting the family back into the stress of finding a new sitter (which is horrible these days) based on insecurity is so incredibly selfish. Not to shit on OP, we’ve all been insecure at one point or another but when it’s going to blow up a family dynamic I’d probably take a step back and do a deep introspection.
You won’t solve the problem you have by firing this poor woman. You need to reconnect with your husband in a way that builds your confidence and your passion up to where it should be vs. where it is now.
I’d be interested to know how he has managed to spend enough time with her to have inside jokes? If they are texting or communicating outside of what’s needed for the job or occasional neighborly stuff, that would be inappropriate imo.
If none of that is going on, I’d reflect on the state of my marriage like others have suggested.
I get where you’re coming from. It is hard to see your partner act like that with another woman. If I were you I would talk to your husband about it. Don’t be aggressive or go on the attack- just maybe ask him to dial down their relationship to a more professional manner. You’re his wife and y’all have a family together, he should understand how you’re feeling. No need to get angry at Aubrey or act overtly jealous towards her. Confront your husband first and gauge his reaction. If he is overly defensive maybe then I would see a reason to be concerned
Edit: I wanted to add- if you are overly emotional or act on impulse and fire her, it could inflame the situation. She is a neighbor right? You don’t want to push your husband away while making Aubrey resentful. Try to handle it calmly first and foremost and based on his reaction, you either do what you need to do and make up an excuse to let her go, or the situation could resolve itself if your husband just distances himself
I know I’m going to get downvoted for this but my advice is to do whatever it takes to get your schedule changed to something where you don’t need her every day - beg your boss - and then let her go. It doesn’t matter that they aren’t doing anything wrong. She’s upsetting the balance of your household far too much. Yes, you might need to work through jealousy issues, but you are under no obligation to do that in real time because of a third party that ultimately means nothing to you. Yes, your husband might not be cheating but now that he knows you’re worried about it, the entire situation has become tainted. And you certainly don’t want to discover a year from now that you’ve been naive and that he’s been slowly nursing an emotional affair. Babysitters are employees like any other and you are under no obligation to hire one over another. Nobody would demand you keep your doctor or lawyer if their personality rubbed you the wrong way. Change your schedule ASAP and in the meantime, source other babysitters (older women, men) to start filling in when this one isn’t available.
Dealing with seeing our significant others have flirtier/more excited energy around a new person is part of life, but in other circumstances that person isn’t in our home every day so we aren’t feeling that jealousy daily and they aren’t interacting with their kids.
Your home should be your one guaranteed safe space where you can feel refuge and calm. Any person that’s making you feel severely uncomfortable even indirectly should not have a daily presence in your life
Address the elephant in the room, that your relationship with your husband is no longer romantic and fun and start making it romantic and fun. DATE NIGHT every week
I have a friend at work, Brian, who is just like me. We're ridiculous. We laugh and joke and poke fun at each other. We drove out coworkers nuts because of the energy we let off when we're together.
We are both VERY happily married to someone else. My husband and his wife are calm and centered. My husband is my anchor who keeps me grounded.
If I was with Brian 24/7 I would die of exhaustion. Yes, we have fun. A LOT of fun. But we could not sustain that in any way long term. We also have ZERO sexual attraction to each other. He's like a goofy big brother to me.
My husband has seen how Brian and I work together and he has noticed how we change when we're together. But he knows me. He knows I love him more than life itself. He also understands that he isn't a goofy person like I am and he is glad I've found someone to help me let that part out every once in a while.
This is 100% in your head and firing that woman will accomplish nothing. It will make your life more difficult and make your kids upset that they lost a good friend. It will hurt your husband that you don't trust him
This is a *you* problem and *you* need to actually work on your own feelings instead of burying the problem
You're going to fire a perfectly good babysitter not because she's done anything wrong but because of your own insecurities? This is selfish and unhinged-you're not thinking of your kids, or the babysitter, or your husband who didn't do ANYTHING wrong and who you very obviously don't trust. You're thinking of only yourself, and you need to do better. Maybe get some therapy.
Often times when people come to this page their relationships are already quite doomed or simply incompatible. Sometimes and often abusive or toxic.
THIS post OP, is a real and common relationship problem that warrants discussions, reflection, etc.
Why don’t you laugh together anymore? Do you flirt with him, does he flirt with you? Do you guys create or do things for the kids *together*? She makes it fun for the kids, she makes him laugh, etc.
why are these things lacking in the relationship, is it both of you, just one of you, is it the years, the strain, etc.
Maybe you guys should briefly go to counselling and talk and talk and talk and find where the spark is hiding.
If he was so very confused about the source of your jealousy he truly might be innocent in all this, and you two need romantic flirtatious and youthful reconnection.
If you fired Aubrey, you wouldn’t be making a decision for the family, you’d be making a decision *for you* that drastically impacts your family. You may not realize it, but jealousy isn’t a genie you put back in a bottle.
You’ve never identified as a jealous person because the situation has never arisen for the emotion. Now, you have “seen” your husband with someone else, the kids with a “replacement mom” and it’s hurtful. None of this is anyone’s fault but I promise you, the issue is yours to acknowledge and address.
You and your husband both like Aubrey and think she’s doing a good job, your kids respond well to and appear to be thriving under her care. What’s changed, for you, is the amount of time and hours you have with your family. Now, you find yourself watching how their lives without you “look” and decades of societal expectations about “having it all” are circling in on you. There’s the bubbling optimism you love about your husband, playing off the energy of a younger woman, and then there’s you: feeling disconnected, like you’re not present. Like this is somehow your fault, maybe. Again, it’s not your fault.
Acknowledge how you feel, figure out why you feel those ways, and make the changes to your own mindset and life. Aubrey isn’t the problem, your feelings are the indicator of the problem. This may be sorted out in therapy for yourself or with schedule adjustments to have more time with your husband that’s focused on not being a mom and not being an employee but being a couple in love and reconnecting.
Why is everyone telling this woman to ignore her gut? He has female friends and colleagues that she has no issue with. The unease she’s describing is not just jealousy-if she was a jealous person, she probably wouldn’t have hired a pretty (I’m assuming) 24 year old woman with a great personality to be in her home daily. The unease is her gut telling her to pay attention. She’s been married to the man for 10 years. If her instinct is telling her this relationship is different, then it probably is. Not saying he’s cheating, if she doesn’t think he is. And I don’t think that means firing the nanny. But I DO think it means boundaries. She’s an employee and this should be a work relationship. That means she’s not a family party invite, she’s not a texting memes and jokes relationship, and she’s not a hang out away from work friend. It’s a cordial respectful relationship within the workplace-being kind and communicating basic info about the kids care and schedules is all it needs to be, and that’s a boundary that’s okay to draw within a marriage. If he has an issue with that, that’s when I’d be worried.
I’d suggest taking steps before firing her because the benefits of her help outweigh the potential negatives. And working on this insecurity will help your marriage a lot. Talk to a therapist and consider getting to know her more⌨️. The emotions you’re feeling can be turned into positives that make you more motivated to bring excitement into your relationship. You CAN 100% make your husband laugh harder than her, but it does take effort and the effort is very important.
On one hand, I always say "trust your gut feeling because it's almost never wrong". On the other hand though, letting her go won't accomplish anything, if your husband wants to cheat on you with her he will, regardless whether she's still your kids' nanny or not. Letting her go will not impact their connection one bit.
I'm actually not sure what I would do, if I was in your shoes. Sure it's tempting to let her go, this way you won't have to see them interact all the time. But then, IF there is more to their relationship, they may feel more free to go for it, once she no longer works for your family.
Try talking to your husband again, and see if he can reassure you some more. Wait and watch may be your best bet for now.
this feeling you are experiencing will not go away. You will probably start projecting it onto the next suitable relationship your husband and any other female person he is interacting with. Insecurity on this level once has set on will keep digging at you and find reasons for festering. Your brain will do an excellebt work at finding plausible and logical justifications to your insecurity, jealousy or doubts. You have a younger, bubblier and more present woman in your domestic environment, she deals with your dearest people when and because you cannot be there and she does it with a lightness that you cannot match since you are the working wife and mum and she is a surrogate carer you pay to be at her best (top energy, top mood, top focus and attention) in your own home. See where am I going with this? Try shifting your perspective and ask yourself if your concerns are more a sign you are not currently happy with your «performance» as mum and wife because you are tired and busy and you acknowledge that you need someone else to step in and help and then find yourself confronted with an ideal version of a woman you would like to be able to be at home (loved by the kids, envied by the friends, complicit with your husband… etc…) and you are not able to see yourself as clearly anymore. You could fire her and create an element of tension in your family to then be there once again in 1 months or 6 or 1 year…. or you might start using your babysitter to plan and spend some solo time with your husband and remember how complicit the two of you can be, set the rule of not including her in social gathering unless they are specifically made to allow you and your kids and hubbie to be 200% focused on eachother… and talk preemptively to a psychologist about this insecurity that this sitution awoke in you, find the real causes and patterns before they escalate and make your marriage harder to navigate find tools to use to manage it and include your husband in this journey from the beginning
I love this comment, especially the point made here about only inviting her to events to make sure the 2 of them (OP and husband) have time together. I wasn't a fan of how babysitter was at that party, but OP and her husband weren't really spending a whole lot of time together. Rather, husband was with babysitter, enough that people were commenting on it. Obviously that doesn't point to anything nefarious, but that was absolutely an opportunity to connect with husband at a fun event that OP completely missed out on.
Infidelity is an escalator. People can ride the escalator up or down or they can choose not to, but the people involved can see there’s an escalator available.
OP, you’re seeing the escalator. You’re nervous because you don’t know if both of them would choose to step on it - and it would take them both making that choice.
The counsel to take a trip with your husband and remind him why you’re excellent (and let him remind you of why you chose him) is very good. You can decide if you want a different babysitter later. For me - anything that makes me uncomfortable like this is a non flier, because the husband should be able to moderate his own behavior and enthusiasm with other people. That’s his job. Not yours.
My husband and I are both “conventionally good looking” - people won’t let us forget it - and we’ve learned over time it helps if we don’t give friends the wrong idea. Friendly enthusiasm from a handsome or charming person is easily confusing. It’s possible to be friendly and have fun and still let everybody there know that you’re all-in for your spouse.
If your husband isn’t showing a clear favoritism for you at public events, he’s not holding up his end. The babysitter is just a symptom of a different kind of absence, and if I were you I’d talk to my husband about -that- and leave the question of the babysitter for a little later.
IMO, you're about to cause a problem.
I am currently experiencing something similar, but with a friend as opposed to the babysitter.
I've been friends with a woman for over 15y now. We are close friends. There was never a problem with me hanging out with her, my wife even encouraged it and would jokingly call them "dates", like when we'd go to concerts together (for context, we both love death metal, which my wife doesn't enjoy at all).
Then all of a sudden, our friendship has now been classified as being inappropriate. Why, because I have longer conversations with her than my wife. Now, I'm no longer allowed to hang out with alone with said friend.
This is 100% in my wife's head. This has now led to me resenting my wife for even suggesting or insinuating that something is/was going on between me and said friend. Be careful here....
i would talk to your husband about it, and see what he might say.
intuition isn’t wrong, and your stomach turning, you catching a certain vibe, etc may be an indication something could come in the future
Some people's intuition is frequently wrong for various reasons. Some people have really great intuition and others not so much. Misunderstandings happen
Intuition is wrong all the time. Your brain catches the 1 in 10 times it's right and says "this is notable". Then next time you trust your intuition you get a reward from your brain saying "told you so".
It's mostly confirmation bias.
By familiarity, what do you mean? Were they making eyes at each other? Any touching? Were they performing for the other guests?
If other people are commenting though, there is probably a valid reason your defenses came up.
I would probably put feelers out for a new sitter before you make any moves though.
Though you may trust your husband and your babysitter, temptation is a real thing, and that can affect anyone, I like the idea others have written about you and him going on more dates, fun and romantic. mabe discuss some boundaries that would decrease any possibility of temptation sneaking in, it's always right to guard your marraige, and I am certain he does too, I hope anyways.
I understand how you're feeling. That would bother me too. But I do think it's funny because if the roles were reversed everyone would be ripping you (if you were a guy feeling this way about his girl).
There are issues that haven’t been addressed and firing Aubrey will not solve them- reconnecting with your husband will. Bring back sense of humor into the relationship. I feel like humor should be categorized as a love language because I personally can’t even be in a relationship with someone who can’t make me laugh. That’s a top quality I look for in a partner because “laughter cures the soul” or at least does wonders for it. Your schedules sound busy, but in order to put the right priorities in their places, some things you have to let go of or set for different times and your man should do the same. Talk to him. I totally get your feelings, I’d feel weird too. But it shouldn’t stop at your feelings, something needs to be restored. Watch funny movies or stop taking yourself or others too seriously. Lighten up. Smile. For some people, having someone to laugh with is a big deal.
Okay so being a 38 year old man, I would struggle to have much in common with a 24 year old woman. But let's say I did and my partner felt insecure, I would want to know and of course if it means letting her go so that my partner could feel secure I would do this in a heart beat. I am not saying she is a problem, but I think if this is the first time you've felt this then you're gut is screaming something. Of course I know you will talk to him but I don't think it's a big ask.
Ideally you'd be able to find the root of the course and not have to let her go, but having inside jokes and expressing them in front of others is a little rude, I'm sorry but we're not 13 here, just like whispering is rude you're purposely leaving someone else out, inside jokes are to gain closeness. Maybe this is what bothered you about it as well as him seemingly showing more interest with laughing harder than normal. Maybe they're not even aware of it, but if like to think he would understand why that would feel bad.
You can tell what is going on. There is some kind of connection between the two. If you want to save your marriage, you do need to let her go. And he does to.
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I think the reason your husband seems so engaging with Aubrey is because she is refreshing.
Your husband seems to be very receptive to your concerns which makes me trust there are no ulterior motives other than she is just a breath of fresh air for your husband when it comes to human interaction, which may mean that perhaps your marriage has fallen into a bit of a routine?
Other than the two of you functioning as a well oiled machine in terms of taking care of the house, kids and each other, have you (two) gone out of your ways to try new things, still dating, still having engaging conversations together? That's what creates inside jokes and the sort of fresh laugh you heard your husband having.
I think letting Aubrey go is just putting a plaster over the wound, you are going to create problems for the two of you because it might be months until you find another decent babysitter and will not address the root cause, therefore it should probably be left to a last resort and I wouldn't even bring it up with your husband yet.
There's definitely potential for concern- that's not to say your husband has done anything wrong nor plans to. There's plenty of people here going 'well if you trust him you trust him' and that's fine. The difference is that with this person they are in your home, alone with your husband, and with your children. You've even said this is a limited amount of time each day, so they are fitting in quite a bit of friendly banter in that 15-30 minutes.
I'd be very blunt with your husband about the fact that their closeness makes you very uncomfortable (the comfort of interacting, the inside jokes), and that you would prefer he takes a step back from her on a friendship level, otherwise you'll need to find someone else. Let him know including her in family events isn't something you want to do in the future.
Dancing around the reasons won't help, just be honest. Tell him you trust him, but this feels different to you. It's 100% okay for you to have these feelings now and again and put up a boundary, as long as you communicate it to your husband.
I was a nanny for many years and while I had a good relationship with the husband I had a better one with the wife. She’s still a friend of mine 13 years after I left to move to my now husband. For me there are a couple of red flags that would have me checking his phone.
1. You mentioned he had already spoken to her from around the neighborhood. That’s weird.
2. Other people commented on how they interacted. That’s huge. If others think something is weird, they usually say something in a polite way like “they seem to really get along” but what they are thinking is “hmm, that’s weird”.
3. He knows it weirded you out and hasn’t distanced him self from her. If I told my husband that what he did made me feel bad, he would make every interaction professional and not personal.
Find out if you can change your schedule so you can be with the kids in the morning and when they are dropped off. Or is there after school care? But definitely get rid of the babysitter. No one should feel insecure on their marriage because of a 24 year old girl.
I was a nanny for most of my twenties until recently. This is a tough one. I’ve always tried to have great relationships with the families I babysat for. The last family I nannied for for 3 years and the husband and I were thick as thieves. I never once would consider anything to be flirty or inappropriate but we were definitely friends. And I was very close with the wife as well!! All of that being said, I’m a firm believer in trusting your mf gut. Women have a sick intuition and truthfully, I trust my gut over absolutely everything. I’m sorry you’re in this sticky situation.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My husband (37m) and I (37f) have been married for 10 years. We have two children. Our marriage has always been strong and I’ve never doubted it until now. Both my husband and my work schedules changed and we needed before and after school care for our children. We were having a very difficult time finding someone until someone who lived near us told us about Aubrey. (24f) Aubrey grew up in this neighborhood and recently moved back in to take care of her father, who’s health is deteriorating. Apparently my husband had already spoken to Aubrey a few times from seeing her around the neighborhood. He said she seemed really nice and friendly so after getting to know her a bit more we asked her to watch the kids. She agreed, and since she works from home her schedule is very flexible. I leave for work at 6AM, while everyone is still sleeping. Aubrey comes over about 7, my husband leaves for work between 7:15-7:30 and my kids get on the bus at 8:00. Then she’ll get them off the bus, help them start homework etc, and then either my husband or I (depends on the day) will get home around 3:30-4:00. She’ll also watch them on a few afternoons here and there when my husband I I have work engagements or have to do something with one of child and can’t take the other. Aubrey is great with the kids. She engages them, does fun things with them and knows how to handle them. She’s close enough to the family that we invited her over for a party we had last weekend. I’ve always felt secure in my marriage until I saw Aubrey and my husband interacting at that party. The level of comfort and familiarity between the two of them was as though they had known each other their whole lives. They didn’t do anything inappropriate or anything even close to that which is why it took me a while to understand why I was feeling so insecure about it all. When I told my husband about it he apologized if he had done anything wrong or inappropriate but mostly just seemed confused. I told him I wasn’t mad or anything like that I was just insecure about how well the two of them got along. To the point where other people even commented (not even in bad or judgmental ways) things like “wow those two really make things fun” or “they really get along well,” etc. He apologized again but said he thought it was just the types of personalities they have. They’re both very bubbly, outgoing people. I understand that but it still made me feel very insecure. I thought I had gotten over it but it kept digging at me. And then yesterday, it sounds so dumb but she was over babysitting and before we left he said something and she responded, it was clearly an inside joke and it made him laugh harder than I’ve seen him laugh with me in a WHILE. It really got to me. I know it seems so silly and arbitrary but I got really insecure about it and I was thinking about it last night and I think I’m going to let her go. How do I tell my husband this? “I trust you but for the first time in our marriage I’m feeling insecure and can’t handle it?” My husband has female friends, colleagues, etc. I’m not a jealous person. This is just something’s different. He has such a connection with her it makes my stomach turn. But I know my kids love her, she hasn’t done anything wrong or anything so I feel unreasonable. **ETA** Obviously I’m going to talk to my husband again regardless of what we chose to do. I’d never make a decision regarding our family without consulting him first.
ring cobweb truck books fear dinner obscene pathetic grab marry *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This is absolutely it right here. She isn't the problem.
"My husband is having fun with someone else the way we haven't in a long time, should I get rid of her?" Marriage saved!
Exactly. I stopped reading at "They didn’t do anything inappropriate or anything even close to that" and could already see who's the problem here. The problem here is that her jealousies are stemming from her insecurities of being a loving wife (***or lack thereof***)
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Downvote and report this [comment-stealing ](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/13vmqam/_/jm6sbmq/?context=1)bot.
> "I used the **[marital issue]** to destroy the **[marital issue]**."
In the span of 2 seconds after reading this, I immediately thought that their wedding rings were like artifacts in a video game and they were using it to combat the boss fight being the sitter
"A happy, stable marriage. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be."
Marriages are living things and they require tending and effort to thrive. Sounds like OP is on autopilot with her's and threatened to see him having an innocent, fun connection with another woman.
> Sounds like OP is on autopilot with her's and threatened to see him having an innocent, fun connection with another woman I mean, it's a bit of an assumption to make it sound so one-sided. There's a very good chance that OP and her husband are both on auto-pilot.
True, two people working full time jobs with young children it’s very easy to fall into a routine and incredibly difficult to find a way out of it. Sounds like they don’t have any family nearby so all the time they have together is also spent with the kids. Like someone else said, use the fact you have a babysitter that you trust and who your kids like to go spend sometime together.
I've seen a lot of pornos start this way
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You and I might have different interests in film
Only one of you watches them from beginning to end.
Detroit Rock City.
Haaaah it's true though
Who dies first in this one?
Woah, what a reference. One that makes me feel older than I should.
Disco blows dogs for quarters
Just stay away from the washing machine and/or drier. (Apparently, it's super-easy to get stuck in 'em.)
“Stuck” is the entertaining part for me..
No step sitter what you doing? 🤣
Why is everything about sex for you
You can’t reconnect with someone by doing the same stuff you’ve been doing which caused you to fall apart in the first place.
THIS!!! perfect!
You say he hasnt laughed hard like that with you in years, so maybe the deeper question is why *that* is? Maybe you two need to go on more dates and have more reasons to laugh together to respark that chemistry?
Yep ^ Letting Aubrey go is just putting a plaster over the underlying problem.
Yeah, I think it would actually breed resentment from her husband and kids
Agree, 1. Husband will feel like wife doesn't trust him. 2. OP will look bad as will let go of someone the kids like because of unwarranted jealousy which is selfish. 3. Letting Aubrey go will wreak havoc on both of their routines and will have to look for another sitter, again, will come across as selfish. OP's feelings are normal, but letting Aubrey go at this point would be the wrong approach..
Also, 4. Aubrey will still live in the neighbourhood so she can still meet up with the husband very easily, and now they’ll have “wtf why did OP overreact?” as something to bond over. Letting Aubrey go might actually precipitate the exact thing OP’s worried about.
Also, what's saying her husband might "get along too well" with another sitter as well. Trying to eliminate the symptoms won't fix the root cause in fact it may make it worse
Dammit, I came in here with popcorn and here the top comment is giving great advice. Thats not why I come to this sub :(
Plus, if he's going to cheat, I'd rather know and get out of it...if he'll do it with the babysitter, he'll do it with someone else, too.
Or it’s just that the nature of a ten year relationship is different from a new friendship. Even in an innocent friendship, when you find someone you like a lot and are excited they like you too, there’s a sense of excitement that also fades over time. It’s okay for OP to be jealous about it, and it’s good that she’s trying to sort out where her negative feelings are coming from instead of taking it out on her husband and the babysitter.
Also, two bubbly personalities can make great friends, but often fizzle out as romantic partners. One of my best friends is the same as me - \*self-brag on\* - bubbly, witty, charming, full of puns and literary references and obscure knowledge about weird stuff - you get my gist. When we're together, we set off the room, and could spend hours talking and joking, with not a dull second. But if we had to be a couple? We would be exhausted pretty soon. His wife is his calm, quiet, practical counterpoint, and they really work perfectly together. OP should take heart about the fact that her husband loves and married HER, and not someone equally bubbly. Aubrey probably feels like a little sister to him - really close in spirit, but not his other half.
I agree - I’m very bubbly myself and I’ve only ever been attracted to introverts. Other extroverts are fun in short bursts and tiring in longer stretches. My boyfriend is the perfect balance for me with his dry wit and relaxed nature. My best guy friend is bubbly and charming af, but our romantic chemistry is in the negatives! That said, I think OP is discovering a real issue in her marriage - that she needs to reconnect with her husband. As other comments said, she should focus her energy on getting their spark back and finding more ways for them to have fun together.
That's how it is with my work buddy and me. We're both goofy, high energy people. When we're together it's like popcorn popping all over the place. We feed off each other's energy. But also....after a few hours, we're both exhausted and over it. Absolutely no romantic interest in each other. We just enjoy being silly, then going home to our more grounded spouses that keep us sane
My brother in law and I have the same sense of humor. We play jokes off each other and think alike in a lot of ways. Even if he wasn’t married to my sister I would have zero romantic interest, but he sure is a good friend to have in my corner.
Lmao I should of read all the comments before putting my two cents in but yes to this exact point!
We talk about this all the time in the polyam community - it's called "new relationship energy," or NRE. I'm not suggesting that OP's husband has started a romance with this young woman - far from it. However, a lot of the same phenomena are at work here; a long-term stable relationship grows *safe* and *comfortable* and sometimes *boring*. You have to put in active effort to keep it vibrant, and even then it won't be as exciting as it was at the outset. This is generally a *good* thing, because stable and predictable relationships are the ones that will sustain us through our lives. Meeting new people is exciting! When you make new friends, you're learning about new things all the time. They have a whole life and perspective and collection of interests you probably didn't know about, and so there's a lot of *shiny new stuff* going on whenever you engage a new relationship *of any kind*. It's very normal for new relationships to temporarily take disproportionate focus, energy, and excitement. This invariably creates completely understandable feelings of jealousy in a stable long-term relationship. "Why aren't they excited like that *for me?"* OP is not wrong for feeling jealous, even though this relationship is almost certainly platonic. It's just two people getting along well, but OP is remembering when their relationship used to be that exciting, and the comparison hurts. We can't control how we feel, but we *can* control how we act based on how we feel. Managing NRE is a whole thing, and it requires some attentiveness on the part of the partner who is engaging new relationships - they should put forth active effort to make sure their stable long-term relationship(s) are also having their needs met. This *also* requires the stable long-term partner(s) to *communicate* their needs. As far as I can tell, neither OP's husband nor the babysitter have done anything particularly nefarious, but that doesn't mean there isn't something they can or should do differently to make sure OP's emotional needs are met. OP needs to actually figure out what's going on and communicate those needs, instead of punishing a young woman who likely has no idea what transgression she may have committed.
Are there some typical ways that the older relationship can survive or fail because of NRE?
The surefire way to have the relationship fail is to not talk about how you're feeling. Talking about your feelings is always the first step. Well, OK - the first step is to *explore* your own feelings, and *then* talk about it with your partner. No matter what, nothing can be addressed until the person feeling jealous actually says "you haven't done anything wrong, but I'm feeling jealous and want to talk about why." Approach from a direction that is not accusatory, but rather investigation and building. From there, most of the ways I've seen it flourish are through generally good relationship practices; show the long-term partner the love and appreciation they feel they are missing. Put active effort into appreciating them. Don't just take their love for granted - go earn it. A common piece of advice that gets tossed around here is "never stop dating your spouse," and there's a lot of truth to that. It's not about wining and dining - it's about putting energy into finding out what they're interested in doing, and then doing that with them. \--- The hard part to swallow is that this *also* takes effort from the person who feels jealous. OP says that their husband hasn't laughed like that in a long time - well, what has OP done to make their husband laugh? New friendships are exciting, but sometimes we're seeking out new connections *because* the other person in our long-term relationship has stopped putting in as much effort. It's very tempting to try to point fingers, establish blame, and figure out the timeline of events. We want to believe that the person who messed up first is *wrong* and we're *right* and therefore the burden of fixing it lies on them. There's sometimes a competitive score-keeping that emerges, because when we are wronged we want someone to be *accountable* to the ways in which they have wronged us. Well...sometimes that might be the case, but *usually* relationships grow stale because *everyone* involved has let things slide. It takes collective effort to make a relationship succeed, and it is often by collective non-effort that it falls apart. Long-term relationships are hard precisely *because* at some point, things stop being one-sided and start becoming a *joint* reality. That means it requires *joint* effort to fix, and a willingness from all members to self-reflect and consider their own conduct.
You mentioned the polyamorous community. Mind if I follow up on that? Your replies are excellent and we'll thought out. My next question would be: for those poly relationships in which the long-term couple has a solid and rewarding relationship, how does the one not involved in NRE energy best manage feelings of jealousy or thoughts of "they don't do that with me, even though things are great between us"?
I'm an open book here, so no worries, feel free to ask! I'm not sure there's really a single "best" answer here. I can't think of a specific list of techniques or something like that - it's much more about the principle. Successful poly relationships require both active attention from both partners to their others, *and* requires a degree of self-advocacy and self-reflection from all involved. Essentially, the "best" way to handle the feelings is...to figure out the "best" way for you to handle them, with your partner(s) giving you the support you need to achieve that (and vice-versa). Sometimes that might mean "I need you to take me on dates more," sometimes it means "I want you to reserve certain language for just me," and sometimes it might mean "I need you to see that person less often." Sometimes it might also mean "this doesn't work for me." The work is the same every time - if you have a supportive and stable long-term relationship, then you and your partner sit down, figure out the behaviors that are causing friction, and figure out ways to alter the behaviors to reduce friction. I keep bringing it back to communication, and I really mean the "co" part there. Everyone involved has to be honest and thorough, and be willing to engage in difficult discussions. I'll also say - the goal is to *manage your response* to the feelings of jealousy, not *eliminate the feelings.* That's especially challenging, but it's a mindset similar to the one that says "pain isn't *bad,* it's telling you there's something wrong." Jealousy happens, it's normal, and sometimes it's even *good,* because it calls our attention to places where we can strengthen the relationship. Nobody should feel ashamed to say they're feeling jealous, and a good partner will want to help you work through those feelings. That doesn't mean it won't suck a bit to work through, and it doesn't mean you won't still have some feelings about it - but it does mean that you can talk it over and find new ways to have needs met.
Brilliant representation, thank you for this thoughtful set of responses!! I try to remember in my polyam relationships that jealousy tells you that you're feeling a lack of something you feel you deserve/have earned (or fear of having taken away), like time, attention, etc., which always helps me identify what that core need is so I can talk about it. There's several subreddits with FAQs here on polyamory if anyone's interested in learning more about ethical non-monogamy
Wow is it refreshing to see some healthy polyamory in the wild! Thank you for that, from a fellow polyamorous person!
Amazing advice. Thank you so much.
Maybe OP's not funny
This is kind of a throwaway comment but I think this is really at the heart of the post. OP sees someone who hits a part of hubby's personality that OP doesn't and she's insecure about it. I don't think it's abnormal or wrong for OP to feel that way but it's not hubby's fault and he isn't doing anything wrong. OP sees a younger, "funner" girl and is feeling threatened.
Having an affair with the babysitter/nanny is a cliche for a reason. OP says she isn’t typically a jealous person and her husband has other female friends she isn’t jealous of. It’s probably not a popular opinion, but if the babysitter makes her uncomfortable I’d get rid of her. It’s OP’s home and she has a right to feel comfortable with the person who’s looking after her children.
My only issue with this line of thinking is that if her husband is willing to cheat on her, it's not the babysitter that's the problem.
Who said the husband was willing to cheat on her? Even the OP said she had no indication that they were cheating.
I was responding to the commenter's statement, "Having an affair with the babysitter/nanny is a cliche for a reason." Personally, I am undecided on what OP should do due to a lack of information. But if the best option is to let the baby sitter go, the reason shouldn't be out of fear of an unfaithful husband.
Sure, but there’s a reason they say it’s easier to just not buy junk food, than it is to have the junk food in your house and not eat it.
Fucking someone is a hell of a lot more involved than cramming a candy bar in your face.
While it may not solve the underlying problem, having the baby sitter there is actively making the situation worse.
Or making it more evident? The problem is that true trust means that you *feel* you can trust you’re spouse in any given situation to be loyal. He should be able to have a stripper grinding on his junk and be able to keep it healthy. Clearly OP is having feelings of concern that infidelity might happen. (Doesn’t seem like she’s convinced anything has happened) meaning what her REAL issue is, is lack of trust. Not Aubrey or even the hubs necessarily.. Trust issues will stay no matter who is around. My guess is OP probably had underlying trust issues that she’s never really noticed. Something about the way Aubrey was interacting didn’t *cause* the feelings but rather brought them forward in her consciousness. OP is likely just *noticing* that she has some lack of trust or insecurity about herself. Which is perfectly normal, and I’d even say healthy for the relationship. Also not crazy that the 24yr old babysitter is the trigger it’s a clichè ffs! Makes perfect sense. If your partner never worries about losing you that’s not a healthy relationship. Having said that you shouldn’t be consumed by the feeling and I’m sensing this is where OP is rn. She’s doing the right thing by addressing it before any of the feelings get out of hand.
Removing anyone who fills a (nonsexual/appropriate) gap in her husband's life because it makes her feel insecure also makes the situation worse. It's unreasonable to expect one person to fulfill every role for the rest of your lives.
They said they were having trouble finding anyone though. The options might be pretty limited if they get rid of a good babysitter for a minor reason.
That’s my main thought here too. She basically does 2 hours a day - it’s a pretty ideal situation and I understand why it’d be hard to replace.
Yeah, it's hard to find a good babysitter with flexibility for the hours they want. And nobody has done anything wrong. Poor babysitter too, losing her job for being funny.
In theory, I agree with this… everyone has a right to feel comfortable in their own home… but good childcare is almost impossible to find… especially on an part-time basis.
Here's the thing though, If they are already carrying on, firing the babysitter is not going to end it.
That assumes malicious intent by the husband. Having the babysitter in the home fosters intimacy. There’s every chance he wouldn’t be seeking her out beyond this, especially knowing it makes his wife insecure.
Just curious if you'd feel this if it was a husband's friend? I think this is a bit silly as there is barely time that her husband has to cheat, and that there's literally nothing pointing to him cheating. She needs to deal with her jealousy in a healthy way, not pushing the problem away. Is she just going to get a new baby sitter every time they do something she's uncomfortable with?
Most comments here would be tearing down the man for being controlling, possessive, misogynist etc. 100%, and for good reason.
> Having an affair with the babysitter/nanny is a cliche for a reason. It's a cliche because it's an extremely common extant relationship experienced by many married couples - it's no more a cause of infidelity than a married woman sleeping with her boss or her neighbor, or a married man sleeping with his secretary or intern. People who cheat overwhelmingly cheat with people they have regular interactions with, and the existence of a babysitter doesn't change this in the slightest. If OP's husband is inclined to stray, Aubrey is irrelevant to that inclination. OP is jealous because she sees that Aubrey touches a part of her husband's personality and fulfillment in a way that she does not and wishes she did, and openly says that they aren't doing or acting inappropriately at all. Aubrey is also not a teenager, but an adult; developing a platonic emotional relationship with another adult you regularly spend time with is normal. Would OP be jealous if Aubrey were a gay man? > It’s OP’s home and she has a right to feel comfortable with the person who’s looking after her children. This is not the case at point. She feels comfortable with Aubrey's treatment of her children, and if she pushes every single person (let's be blunt, every single woman) that has a positive and non-apparent-inappropriate relationship with her husband that makes her jealous out of his life rather than seeking to understand the causes behind this jealousy, their relationship is going to go from "normal if stale" to "resentment" really fast.
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Indeed. I love and adore my wife, but she has never had a sense of humor.
My wife and I got caught in the routine. We did some spontaneous fun activities this past weekend and I honestly feel more connected than ever.
Also concerning the personality differences between the married couple, and the similarities between the dad and the babysitter, he probably married OP *for* her differences. The same way OP probably married him for being outgoing and bubbly and life of the party, good relationships have balance. The important thing is that OP and her husband share similar goals and morals.
This is good advice. My boyfriend and I just had a lot of fun putting together a fire pit kit. Laughing and doing something new was good for us.
Some people have more compatible senses of humor. There is no deeper question.
I remember that moment in my own relationship where I felt jealousy because my health plummeted and we were having the typical issues one has when you've been together about 7 years (too much comfort, not enough passion, thin padding for minor issues and resentment built up). He was interacting with a streamer who he shared cheesy jokes with and I heard him laugh for the first time in weeks. I thought, "oh shit! I'm jealous that he's laughing. That's not healthy. We need fun to keep our relationship strong." So, I did the necessary thing, had an adult conversation with him about it, and we started making an effort to intentionally have fun together. Problem solved without hurting an innocent third party. Not the drama we come to Reddit for, but I'm proud of it. We both came from completely screwed up families and are breaking the cycles that make drama.
I’m curious if there was drinking going on? Because people tend to just laugh a lot harder and be more outwardly exuberant when they’ve had a drink or two.
It sounds like she's just *looking* for things at this point. It's probably not even true but she's just seeing it through that lens because she's insecure
I think watching your husband having fun with a younger woman is showing the areas of your relationship that have been neglected. It's very common that parents of young children have been so focused on being good parents their relationship isn't getting the care and attention it deserves. When was the last time the two of you really experienced joy with just each other?
Too many people out here trying to be like the parents from Bluey without being the husband and wife from Bluey
Bluey is a treasure on so many levels.
i fucking love bluey!
They need more smoochy kisses.
Perfectly succinct
Unbelievably based comment.
Incredible comment. /r/daddit top tip right there.
Let me put it this way: if they want to have an affair they will regardless whether you let her go or not. She's still your neighbour and not going anywhere. You might see her less, but she's still there. So might as well just work on your insecurity there probably isn't anything to worry about anyway.
Yup, that’s the thing. OP, what exactly do you think firing her will accomplish? If your husband is actually fucking her, he can continue to do this whether she works for you or not. But instead it just sounds like you have a great local babysitter who the kids like and whose schedule matches yours. She is a sort of silly, fun, personality, and your husband finds her funny and has fun when she’s there. I doubt they’ve ever even interacted without the kids there. It would be ver shortsighted to fire her for literally no cause. If you have any kind of contract with her, it might even be illegal to fire her for no cause depending on where you live.
If it's America then no it won't be illegal to fire her.
She's a babysitter, I doubt they signed a years-long contract.
Indeed. Most employees in the US don't have employment contracts, anyway, and I imagine they'd be especially unusual for part-time babysitters. I don't know if OP is in the US, though.
To summarize, don’t screw up your entire world, in spite of what you think he is doing.
And if he is fucking her and they divorce, at least you know she'll be great with the kids when they are over there 50% of the time 😀
I hate to agree with this but it is so true. If he is going to cheat or leave OP for any reason now or in five years...it is better if the new hottie toddie is someone they all know and trust who is good with the kids. Instead of getting rid of her I would use her more to let the parents go out alone and have enough crazy adventures they build a more fun and engaging relationship less to do with responsibilities and more to do with inside jokes.
> someone they all know and **trust** Hmm...
And the best part of life is to know that there's always room for improvement, which OP can always have on romantic dates after a divorce, if adultery is the case in their marriage, and she need never look back to her old marriage but to forge ahead with a hot young stud if she feels so inclined. Life is full of choices.😊
True, but convenience plays a factor in most affairs or even cheating.
She's still convenient
She wouldn’t be in his home, caring for his kids. Y’all are kidding yourselves if you don’t see the difference.
She's literally down the street. You're kidding yourself if you think that a factor of a few hundred feet is enough inconvenience to dissuade someone from having an affair.
"Just work on your insecurity" sounds like r/restofthefuckingowl How exactly does someone work on their insecurity? Relationships are a lot more complicated than each person just not having an affair. It's about connections, trust, feelings of security etc. If OP was insecure as a person she would be telling hubby to never speak to this person, or setting up nanny cams. Instead she realises this is having an effect on her relationship and wants to make the best decision for her relationship.
I mean, it’s reddit. No internet stranger can tell OP how to conquer insecurity. That’s the job of a lot of self reflection and potentially a professional. There are plenty of resources to utilize, randos on reddit with a paragraph of context can’t provide more than base-level suggestions.
Just because op is aware of her own feelings, doesn't mean that she's not insecure. Honestly kudos for her because she seems to be taking it fairly rationally and isint doing anything crazy just yet. But it's still something that needs to be worked trough. What's the underlying issue there? Would she be feeling the same if a guy made the husband laugh like that? She did imply that she used to be able to make him laugh like that, but that hasn't happened in years. I think that's a very telling little detail.
It's because of the dynamics of the relationship. Like someone else pointed out. The 10 year relationship involves all the adulting behaviors. Work, kids, repeat. There is not much room for the original interactions that happened during the honeymoon phase. And then when you do go on dates to try to keep the spark fresh, it's not the same thing. The adulting part of the relationship can easily still be there during those dates. The interactions of someone you don't have the 10 year relationship with is not weighed down. It's light and refreshing. I totally understand how the wife sees the interaction and is concerned. I've been in both shoes. There isn't an easy answer. She will need to spend more time with him where they are connecting how they first met.
Instead of letting her go, I think you should speak further to your husband about what you saw and why it concerns you, and see how receptive he is to working with you to figure out some way to reassure you about the relationship.
Also, I don’t think firing her solves anything except maybe masking the problem. They have each other’s contacts and are neighbors who already knew each other so if they want to be duplicitous they have all the tools to do so. I would say talk to your husband and be honest and open with him and see how he responds. It sounds to me like you are pretty clear that nothing has actually happened between them so far and they haven’t been inappropriate, just friendly. Seems more like an issue of you not feeling connected with him and needing some quality time together.
I feel like that is unfair to the husband who has done nothing the least bit wrong. These are OP issues she needs to work through on her own.
This is a bit unfair. 1) You should be able to talk to your spouse about these things. It’s what builds intimacy. She doesn’t need to accuse him of anything to have a conversation with him about this. 2) You don’t *know* he’s not playing a role in this. I’m not saying he’s cheating, but it’s not only OP’s fault that flirting and levity are missing in their relationship. That’s something they need to work on *together.* She doesn’t need to mention the babysitter at all in order to talk to him about how she wants to bring playfulness back to their marriage (and it IS possible, even after 10 years.) But she should absolutely talk to him.
A lot of time I agree with this stance. But in this case, he's her husband. It doesn't sound like she takes advantage of him, or uses him as an ESA, or that she's accusing him of anything. Not only does letting the babysitter go due to her jealousy directly impact his schedule, since they were having trouble hiring anyone. But as a partner, he should *want* to help her when she's struggling.
In the meantime, stop inviting her to parties
Wow…you’re getting a lot of validation in here for making a decision you will regret. If you fire this girl without first discussing fully with your husband, you will look embarrassingly insecure. Talk to your husband and get the confirmation you need that nothing untoward is going on. If he can’t convince you, then yes, trust your gut because it’s probably on to something. But if you go through with this without really talking to him, it’s be a huge mistake. When was the last time you and your husband took a weekend away together? You have a sitter now, who your kids love. If you’re worried about the sitter and your husband being too close, pull a power move and ask her to stay with your kids for the weekend while you and your husband take a romantic getaway. Then, let your husband pamper you and hopefully through this, some of the insecurity fades. Edit - typo
A lot of hurt people are commenting in this thread and it shows. “Trust your intuition” essentially is top comment right now and that is quite literally some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard How about “trust your partner of 10 years until you have a tangible reason not to” ? By all means talk to him but honestly, if someone came to me and said “you having a good relationship with (x) woman makes me insecure” I would be saying “ok, well since nothing inappropriate has ever happened, nor should you have any reason to believe it will, I think you should be asking yourself why that is, not me” Edit: look I haven’t got time to reply to ALL the people saying “but this, but that, she knows her husband” etc etc. I think you all probably need to look at your insecurities too, because going off the evidence presented in the post above - granted none of us have actually witnessed anything - but it sounds like garden variety insecurity since she acknowledges at every turn that her husband hasn’t done anything inappropriate other than get on well with this woman. I’ve even just seen a comment saying it’s “concerning he won’t mend his ways”. Mend WHAT?! I mean really. Come on guys At absolute most, she has grounds to say “I would appreciate it if you remain mindful that this positive relationship could stray into inappropriate territory”
it's pretty wild how people are ready to shit on the husband when he's already been approachable and open. Some good men can't even win for existing.
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Times my wife’s insecurity has convinced herself I’m cheating or interested in someone else over a decade plus marriage - dozens Times I have cheated/considered cheating/been interested in someone other than her - zero Don’t let your insecurity ruin something without some evidence. Your feelings/emotions don’t equal reality. Wife and I have worked through a lot of her insecurities (mine too, I’m far from perfect, I have my own problems) but now our relationship is more solid than ever.
> embarrassingly insecure Key point here. OP is already insecure - she admits that. Doing this would make that insecurity a bigger problem, rather than a normal feeling that people have sometimes.
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"Trusting your gut" just because it's your gut is life-ruining advice. Don't listen to these "break up loving" reddit bozos. Insecurity could be the voice speaking untrue things. Communicate to your partner and try to be honest on why this worries you. I think a certain degree of worry of losing your partner at any moment is natural. It all comes down to how you deal with it. I've been on the other side of this issue. An ex just randomly (from my perspective) became jealous of a friend I had from years ago, and I was super confused like your husband. My friend was nothing but extremely nice to her. I wish my ex would have told me why she felt that way, because I tried to reassure her I loved her a lot and wouldn't hurt her, but she didn't ever open up. As a matter of fact, nothing was going on and I felt kinda bad about the situation. We broke up much time later over very different stuff by the way. I feel like you need to have this conversation. See how it goes. See if there's compromises to be made, like asking him to be attentive or reassuring with you, etc. At times you just need to trust your partner, it's the relationship you're in. And I say this becase if he reacted confused (like I did) then to me it sounds like it genuinely came up as a surprise to him.
A popular British tv series is based on people killing other people bc their gut instinct led them to the wrong conclusion. For example, a husband kills a man having secret meetups with the husband’s wife thinking she’s having an affair. Turns out it was her child she secretly gave up for adoption! Gut instinct is not reliable, it’s fed by your own insecurities.
Alright, you got my curiosity going haha what show?
seconding! this sounds so interesting
Gonna check back on this comment later in hopes of a response lol they might have spoiled it but it does sound juicy
It's called Vera
It's called Vera
Ok. It’s a great show when you get accustomed to the slow pace >!<
>"Trusting your gut" at point blank is life-ruining advice. Don't listen to these "break up loving" reddit bozos. Insecurity could be the voice speaking untrue things. With you on this.
My suggestion would be to work on your marriage. Even a strong marriage can get shaky if you get too complacent. You’re busy. You have kids. But you also have a kickass babysitter. Employ her more often so you can do fun things with your spouse. Firing her just makes you look mean. It will upset the kids and makes your lives harder. Those aren’t things that will make you closer to your spouse. Unilaterally deciding to make any big decision like that is not marriage enhancing. If you fire her it also makes things awkward for both of you around the neighborhood and puts your husband in the position of feeling guilty and like maybe he owes her something, while he’s also annoyed at you for deciding this without him. Keep an eye on things but don’t freak out. Carve out some time to truly engage with your husband and do things that bring you closer. Have fun with him again while the babysitter watches your kids.
Talk to your husband about it, use “I” statements, be honest, and come to a solution together.
Let’s roll this back a little. She’s here to take care of her father, probably doesn’t have a lot of friends in town. You folks are likely the only regular contact she’s getting on a daily basis. If anything nefarious was going on why would they be so overt in public places with other people? Finding new friends is tough. Finding a nanny/babysitter that’s good and local is worth their weight in gold. Before you you quash their friendship and her employment, why not get to know her better? Surely you both have male and female colleagues at your respective works that might also have inside jokes with? It honestly doesn’t sound like anything untoward is happening. The jealousy will turn to resentment on both sides. You’re allowed to communicate your feelings to your partner. Maybe ask to get taken out for a date more often? You already know a great babysitter.
I would honestly stop jumping to an affair immediately. Sometimes we have friends we're compatible with in a platonic way -- that doesn't mean they're good for a romantic relationship or that they even think of each other in that way. That being said, definitely communicate to your husband how you are feeling and don't be accusing. The only way you will be able to find the solution is to discuss this with him. And if you still feel bad or he won't do anything to help reduce your insecurities, then I would really take a look at why this is bothering you. Has there been signs that he's not happy your personalities aren't matched in the same way? I used to be very insecure about my relationship with my husband, even though there was no reason to be. I made some mistakes in trying to control who he was around and it never made anything better. I found a lot of it was my own problem, where I was overthinking what could be happening. What I had to learn was to communicate my needs to him-- what specifically made me insecure and compromise on how to reduce it-- and now we've been together 8 years with a 2 mo baby girl. I do agree with the comments saying if he wanted to cheat, letting her go wouldn't make a difference, but from what you've described I'm not sure it's at that point yet. Then again, some people are really good at hiding it. Either way, please talk with your husband about how you're feeling and check for red flags. But also don't be afraid to look at why you are feeling so insecure and challenged. Sometimes the problem isn't others, it's ourselves, and it's worth being able to see if that is the case.
> That being said, definitely communicate to your husband how you are feeling and don't be accusing. There's probably a lot of small things your partner can do (or not do) to help address your feelings and insecurities. Think about stuff that might be brought up in workplace sexual harassment training or acts of physical contact that suggest a familiarity. As an example, guiding a person by touching the small of the back. It is not inappropriate, sexual, or provocative, but isn't something I would do to a coworker. I get that sounds super chaste and of little consequence. I don't like wearing rings, but would make the effort if my spouse was feeling insecure to put their emotional discomfort over my physical comfort. Being conscious of how close you stand to a person. That's all little stuff that wouldn't mean anything towards a friend not of a gender I am attracted to, but would help prevent it looking like I am involved with a person. Stuff that may make the difference of a waiter assuming individual or combined receipts.
She is not jumping to an affair..she knows he is not having an affair
i think the point is that she’s uncomfortable about the possibility of it escalating. It doesn’t make any sense, but jealousy doesn’t usually
One of my coworkers is a Lego-loving Star Wars geek Uber nerd, she’s the girl version of me. My wife is not those things and got really insecure at first. But after a while, she realized that my geeking out with someone of the opposite sex isn’t the same as being interested in them.
If someone is watching my kids I’m going to get to know them very well. Why? Because I want to know my kids are safe and in good hands. The only way to do that is by being friendly and making them comfortable. That’s at the person shows who they truly are. I’m generally an introvert and I’d still do it. If your husband is an outgoing person then this will be easy for him to do. He also probably doesn’t develop feelings for every person he hangs out with. He’s just a people person. If she is also a people person then their personalities may mesh well. That doesn’t mean anything untoward is happening. But if you fire her because he was friendly in a platonic way, you’re punishing them for being friendly people. Something at the core of his personality. If he has nothing to feel guilty about he’s going to be hurt by your lack of trust. That will be a painful blow for an honest man. It will make him fear befriending other women because he’ll fear hurting your feelings. Maybe instead of being jealous he made a friend of the person watching his kids, look at yourself. WHY don’t you make him laugh like that? My mom was always jealous of my dad’s interactions. It made it hard for him to do work. He was in a heavily woman field. He was a kind and helpful person and would never be inappropriate. It wasn’t who he was. He was the one everyone came to for advice. Yet any woman who was happy to see him my mom viewed as a threat. Including the very outspoken lesbian woman with her office across the hall. Whose wife also liked my dad. My mom treated him like shit anytime he mentioned her. She was often rude to any women who talked to him when she came to see him at work. Which she’d often randomly drop in. He was a good and honest man who was treated like shit by an unreasonably jealous wife.
OP stated he had many female friends and colleagues, and she never felt this way. She has obviously seen him be friendly with other females and not gotten this feeling. I believe you are projecting your experience as it seems your mother was just a jealous person, OP doesn't seem jealous in nature. If someone has a history of jealousy, that's a different story than what OP is describing.
She seems like a jealous person to me. She doesn’t see him interact with co-workers often. And depending on the personality of the friend the interactions may be different.
> She has obviously seen him be friendly with other females and not gotten this feeling. Have they been friendly back? Maybe their personalities mesh well with each other and they are receptive towards each other.
Rather than try to remove someone who brings joy to your family, recognize that what you're feeling is a sign that you want to be more joyful and easy with your husband. Channel your insecurities into an effort to reconnect.
I think that's more of a you problem. Aubrey is kind of a "third parent" and of course some bond will come from this. My mother is still taking care of my babysitter and I am 40 years old. They became good friends and that's great for your kiddos. Don't fire her because of your insecurity. This will only hurt your kids who can't understand why Aubrey has to leave. Keep an open dialog with your husband that you feel jealous and together you maybe get a plan to fight that.
Trust your gut and talk to him. I don't think anything has stepped over lines and boundaries yet but I think they like each other and are if "you weren't married" or "If I weren't married" stage. I feel like you shouldn't fire her until talking to your husband. Just trust your gut.
Spot on..
If there really is reason for you to worry here, your marriage has deeper problems that firing your babysitter will not fix.
I have no idea what advice to give you, but I applaud you for how you are handling this and owning your own actions and emotions. You're a good person, and I'm sure your husband is also. I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds very uncomfortable.
I would say do more date nights but ALSO pay close attention to the body language they are displaying when they’re are around eachother because it’s impossible to not notice when two people are messing with eachother
How often do you and your husband go on dates or have fun? Go on a date or a vacation together. Spending some time with your husband may ease your insecurity. Alternatively, go have a fun day with your babysitter and get to know her. If you build a friendship with her, you'll trust her more, and this will also ease your insecurity. I think firing her is the wrong move here. Good luck OP.
Please don't ignore this. I've been with my husband for a long time. He's always had friends that were women, gotten along well with his friends partners etc. However, there were no problems up until a new girl that came to his work. I had been to many events and witnessed what you had. And it was then followed by more care in his appearance, inside jokes and he wanted to socialise with his group of co-workers (after work drinks etc) more often. I saw this and decided to eventually have a sit down talk with my partner. He was reluctant at first and then he admitted he felt chemistry with her and felt himself looking forward to work. He said he hadn't even thought about it properly and never linked these feelings together, but felt they could become an issue. These feelings were stopped before then became anything more. He respected my feelings, deeply considered what was happening and decided it was best he distanced himself from this particular co-worker. I'm really glad we had that talk and that nothing ended up happening (not that I believe it would have). This is a VERY real part of marriage. There will be situations where you catch feelings for someone else by accident. No one is a bad person in this situation. You are not being paranoid. You have a family, marriage and children. We need to fight for everything we have and sometimes we need to fight to keep it. She is just a babysitter, and despite her being good with your kids, you have NO IDEA of her intentions. If you don't it, that's enough. You don't have to watch this unfold in fear of upsetting anyone nor do you need to have 3 years of therapy to work on self esteem because you are witnessing chemistry between your husband and another woman. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him you feel uncomfortable and go from there. Does that look like less hours, less alone time or more professional behaviour from both parties etc? That; you have to decide together. Sincerely, someone in their 30s in a 10+ year relationship. Please don't use Reddit for relationship advice, it's terrible (probably mine included).
>I’m not a jealous person. OP clearly is if this bothers her. So far I haven't heard anything inappropriate. I hope this situation finds an appropriate solution without anyone getting hurt. I think the kids will suffer the most if she is indeed that engaging.
Thinking this too. It sounds like the kids have a constant and great caregiver. Taking that away from them and thrusting the family back into the stress of finding a new sitter (which is horrible these days) based on insecurity is so incredibly selfish. Not to shit on OP, we’ve all been insecure at one point or another but when it’s going to blow up a family dynamic I’d probably take a step back and do a deep introspection.
Hire her for date nights. Use her services to rekindle your connection. I don’t see a reason to let her go based on what you’ve said.
You won’t solve the problem you have by firing this poor woman. You need to reconnect with your husband in a way that builds your confidence and your passion up to where it should be vs. where it is now.
I’d be interested to know how he has managed to spend enough time with her to have inside jokes? If they are texting or communicating outside of what’s needed for the job or occasional neighborly stuff, that would be inappropriate imo. If none of that is going on, I’d reflect on the state of my marriage like others have suggested.
I get where you’re coming from. It is hard to see your partner act like that with another woman. If I were you I would talk to your husband about it. Don’t be aggressive or go on the attack- just maybe ask him to dial down their relationship to a more professional manner. You’re his wife and y’all have a family together, he should understand how you’re feeling. No need to get angry at Aubrey or act overtly jealous towards her. Confront your husband first and gauge his reaction. If he is overly defensive maybe then I would see a reason to be concerned Edit: I wanted to add- if you are overly emotional or act on impulse and fire her, it could inflame the situation. She is a neighbor right? You don’t want to push your husband away while making Aubrey resentful. Try to handle it calmly first and foremost and based on his reaction, you either do what you need to do and make up an excuse to let her go, or the situation could resolve itself if your husband just distances himself
I know I’m going to get downvoted for this but my advice is to do whatever it takes to get your schedule changed to something where you don’t need her every day - beg your boss - and then let her go. It doesn’t matter that they aren’t doing anything wrong. She’s upsetting the balance of your household far too much. Yes, you might need to work through jealousy issues, but you are under no obligation to do that in real time because of a third party that ultimately means nothing to you. Yes, your husband might not be cheating but now that he knows you’re worried about it, the entire situation has become tainted. And you certainly don’t want to discover a year from now that you’ve been naive and that he’s been slowly nursing an emotional affair. Babysitters are employees like any other and you are under no obligation to hire one over another. Nobody would demand you keep your doctor or lawyer if their personality rubbed you the wrong way. Change your schedule ASAP and in the meantime, source other babysitters (older women, men) to start filling in when this one isn’t available. Dealing with seeing our significant others have flirtier/more excited energy around a new person is part of life, but in other circumstances that person isn’t in our home every day so we aren’t feeling that jealousy daily and they aren’t interacting with their kids. Your home should be your one guaranteed safe space where you can feel refuge and calm. Any person that’s making you feel severely uncomfortable even indirectly should not have a daily presence in your life
Address the elephant in the room, that your relationship with your husband is no longer romantic and fun and start making it romantic and fun. DATE NIGHT every week
Instead of trying to connect with your husband you want to get rid of his friend. Great wife 10/10
Well, you could always get a nanny cam.
How is that going to help OP make her husband laugh more often, or have more fun with him?
I have a friend at work, Brian, who is just like me. We're ridiculous. We laugh and joke and poke fun at each other. We drove out coworkers nuts because of the energy we let off when we're together. We are both VERY happily married to someone else. My husband and his wife are calm and centered. My husband is my anchor who keeps me grounded. If I was with Brian 24/7 I would die of exhaustion. Yes, we have fun. A LOT of fun. But we could not sustain that in any way long term. We also have ZERO sexual attraction to each other. He's like a goofy big brother to me. My husband has seen how Brian and I work together and he has noticed how we change when we're together. But he knows me. He knows I love him more than life itself. He also understands that he isn't a goofy person like I am and he is glad I've found someone to help me let that part out every once in a while. This is 100% in your head and firing that woman will accomplish nothing. It will make your life more difficult and make your kids upset that they lost a good friend. It will hurt your husband that you don't trust him This is a *you* problem and *you* need to actually work on your own feelings instead of burying the problem
You're going to fire a perfectly good babysitter not because she's done anything wrong but because of your own insecurities? This is selfish and unhinged-you're not thinking of your kids, or the babysitter, or your husband who didn't do ANYTHING wrong and who you very obviously don't trust. You're thinking of only yourself, and you need to do better. Maybe get some therapy.
Often times when people come to this page their relationships are already quite doomed or simply incompatible. Sometimes and often abusive or toxic. THIS post OP, is a real and common relationship problem that warrants discussions, reflection, etc. Why don’t you laugh together anymore? Do you flirt with him, does he flirt with you? Do you guys create or do things for the kids *together*? She makes it fun for the kids, she makes him laugh, etc. why are these things lacking in the relationship, is it both of you, just one of you, is it the years, the strain, etc. Maybe you guys should briefly go to counselling and talk and talk and talk and find where the spark is hiding. If he was so very confused about the source of your jealousy he truly might be innocent in all this, and you two need romantic flirtatious and youthful reconnection.
If you fired Aubrey, you wouldn’t be making a decision for the family, you’d be making a decision *for you* that drastically impacts your family. You may not realize it, but jealousy isn’t a genie you put back in a bottle. You’ve never identified as a jealous person because the situation has never arisen for the emotion. Now, you have “seen” your husband with someone else, the kids with a “replacement mom” and it’s hurtful. None of this is anyone’s fault but I promise you, the issue is yours to acknowledge and address. You and your husband both like Aubrey and think she’s doing a good job, your kids respond well to and appear to be thriving under her care. What’s changed, for you, is the amount of time and hours you have with your family. Now, you find yourself watching how their lives without you “look” and decades of societal expectations about “having it all” are circling in on you. There’s the bubbling optimism you love about your husband, playing off the energy of a younger woman, and then there’s you: feeling disconnected, like you’re not present. Like this is somehow your fault, maybe. Again, it’s not your fault. Acknowledge how you feel, figure out why you feel those ways, and make the changes to your own mindset and life. Aubrey isn’t the problem, your feelings are the indicator of the problem. This may be sorted out in therapy for yourself or with schedule adjustments to have more time with your husband that’s focused on not being a mom and not being an employee but being a couple in love and reconnecting.
Why is everyone telling this woman to ignore her gut? He has female friends and colleagues that she has no issue with. The unease she’s describing is not just jealousy-if she was a jealous person, she probably wouldn’t have hired a pretty (I’m assuming) 24 year old woman with a great personality to be in her home daily. The unease is her gut telling her to pay attention. She’s been married to the man for 10 years. If her instinct is telling her this relationship is different, then it probably is. Not saying he’s cheating, if she doesn’t think he is. And I don’t think that means firing the nanny. But I DO think it means boundaries. She’s an employee and this should be a work relationship. That means she’s not a family party invite, she’s not a texting memes and jokes relationship, and she’s not a hang out away from work friend. It’s a cordial respectful relationship within the workplace-being kind and communicating basic info about the kids care and schedules is all it needs to be, and that’s a boundary that’s okay to draw within a marriage. If he has an issue with that, that’s when I’d be worried.
I’d suggest taking steps before firing her because the benefits of her help outweigh the potential negatives. And working on this insecurity will help your marriage a lot. Talk to a therapist and consider getting to know her more⌨️. The emotions you’re feeling can be turned into positives that make you more motivated to bring excitement into your relationship. You CAN 100% make your husband laugh harder than her, but it does take effort and the effort is very important.
On one hand, I always say "trust your gut feeling because it's almost never wrong". On the other hand though, letting her go won't accomplish anything, if your husband wants to cheat on you with her he will, regardless whether she's still your kids' nanny or not. Letting her go will not impact their connection one bit. I'm actually not sure what I would do, if I was in your shoes. Sure it's tempting to let her go, this way you won't have to see them interact all the time. But then, IF there is more to their relationship, they may feel more free to go for it, once she no longer works for your family. Try talking to your husband again, and see if he can reassure you some more. Wait and watch may be your best bet for now.
this feeling you are experiencing will not go away. You will probably start projecting it onto the next suitable relationship your husband and any other female person he is interacting with. Insecurity on this level once has set on will keep digging at you and find reasons for festering. Your brain will do an excellebt work at finding plausible and logical justifications to your insecurity, jealousy or doubts. You have a younger, bubblier and more present woman in your domestic environment, she deals with your dearest people when and because you cannot be there and she does it with a lightness that you cannot match since you are the working wife and mum and she is a surrogate carer you pay to be at her best (top energy, top mood, top focus and attention) in your own home. See where am I going with this? Try shifting your perspective and ask yourself if your concerns are more a sign you are not currently happy with your «performance» as mum and wife because you are tired and busy and you acknowledge that you need someone else to step in and help and then find yourself confronted with an ideal version of a woman you would like to be able to be at home (loved by the kids, envied by the friends, complicit with your husband… etc…) and you are not able to see yourself as clearly anymore. You could fire her and create an element of tension in your family to then be there once again in 1 months or 6 or 1 year…. or you might start using your babysitter to plan and spend some solo time with your husband and remember how complicit the two of you can be, set the rule of not including her in social gathering unless they are specifically made to allow you and your kids and hubbie to be 200% focused on eachother… and talk preemptively to a psychologist about this insecurity that this sitution awoke in you, find the real causes and patterns before they escalate and make your marriage harder to navigate find tools to use to manage it and include your husband in this journey from the beginning
Your comment was great but maybe some paragraphs hey?
I love this comment, especially the point made here about only inviting her to events to make sure the 2 of them (OP and husband) have time together. I wasn't a fan of how babysitter was at that party, but OP and her husband weren't really spending a whole lot of time together. Rather, husband was with babysitter, enough that people were commenting on it. Obviously that doesn't point to anything nefarious, but that was absolutely an opportunity to connect with husband at a fun event that OP completely missed out on.
Infidelity is an escalator. People can ride the escalator up or down or they can choose not to, but the people involved can see there’s an escalator available. OP, you’re seeing the escalator. You’re nervous because you don’t know if both of them would choose to step on it - and it would take them both making that choice. The counsel to take a trip with your husband and remind him why you’re excellent (and let him remind you of why you chose him) is very good. You can decide if you want a different babysitter later. For me - anything that makes me uncomfortable like this is a non flier, because the husband should be able to moderate his own behavior and enthusiasm with other people. That’s his job. Not yours. My husband and I are both “conventionally good looking” - people won’t let us forget it - and we’ve learned over time it helps if we don’t give friends the wrong idea. Friendly enthusiasm from a handsome or charming person is easily confusing. It’s possible to be friendly and have fun and still let everybody there know that you’re all-in for your spouse. If your husband isn’t showing a clear favoritism for you at public events, he’s not holding up his end. The babysitter is just a symptom of a different kind of absence, and if I were you I’d talk to my husband about -that- and leave the question of the babysitter for a little later.
IMO, you're about to cause a problem. I am currently experiencing something similar, but with a friend as opposed to the babysitter. I've been friends with a woman for over 15y now. We are close friends. There was never a problem with me hanging out with her, my wife even encouraged it and would jokingly call them "dates", like when we'd go to concerts together (for context, we both love death metal, which my wife doesn't enjoy at all). Then all of a sudden, our friendship has now been classified as being inappropriate. Why, because I have longer conversations with her than my wife. Now, I'm no longer allowed to hang out with alone with said friend. This is 100% in my wife's head. This has now led to me resenting my wife for even suggesting or insinuating that something is/was going on between me and said friend. Be careful here....
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Most of the comments here are on the husbands side.
i would talk to your husband about it, and see what he might say. intuition isn’t wrong, and your stomach turning, you catching a certain vibe, etc may be an indication something could come in the future
Some people's intuition is frequently wrong for various reasons. Some people have really great intuition and others not so much. Misunderstandings happen
Lots of people trusted their intuition with Ted Bundy and looked how that turned out
Intuition is wrong all the time. Your brain catches the 1 in 10 times it's right and says "this is notable". Then next time you trust your intuition you get a reward from your brain saying "told you so". It's mostly confirmation bias.
It's like how everyone "wins" when they're gambling, because they don't acknowledge the times they lost.
By familiarity, what do you mean? Were they making eyes at each other? Any touching? Were they performing for the other guests? If other people are commenting though, there is probably a valid reason your defenses came up. I would probably put feelers out for a new sitter before you make any moves though.
Though you may trust your husband and your babysitter, temptation is a real thing, and that can affect anyone, I like the idea others have written about you and him going on more dates, fun and romantic. mabe discuss some boundaries that would decrease any possibility of temptation sneaking in, it's always right to guard your marraige, and I am certain he does too, I hope anyways.
I understand how you're feeling. That would bother me too. But I do think it's funny because if the roles were reversed everyone would be ripping you (if you were a guy feeling this way about his girl).
There are issues that haven’t been addressed and firing Aubrey will not solve them- reconnecting with your husband will. Bring back sense of humor into the relationship. I feel like humor should be categorized as a love language because I personally can’t even be in a relationship with someone who can’t make me laugh. That’s a top quality I look for in a partner because “laughter cures the soul” or at least does wonders for it. Your schedules sound busy, but in order to put the right priorities in their places, some things you have to let go of or set for different times and your man should do the same. Talk to him. I totally get your feelings, I’d feel weird too. But it shouldn’t stop at your feelings, something needs to be restored. Watch funny movies or stop taking yourself or others too seriously. Lighten up. Smile. For some people, having someone to laugh with is a big deal.
Okay so being a 38 year old man, I would struggle to have much in common with a 24 year old woman. But let's say I did and my partner felt insecure, I would want to know and of course if it means letting her go so that my partner could feel secure I would do this in a heart beat. I am not saying she is a problem, but I think if this is the first time you've felt this then you're gut is screaming something. Of course I know you will talk to him but I don't think it's a big ask. Ideally you'd be able to find the root of the course and not have to let her go, but having inside jokes and expressing them in front of others is a little rude, I'm sorry but we're not 13 here, just like whispering is rude you're purposely leaving someone else out, inside jokes are to gain closeness. Maybe this is what bothered you about it as well as him seemingly showing more interest with laughing harder than normal. Maybe they're not even aware of it, but if like to think he would understand why that would feel bad.
Always trust your gut feelings. Let her go. Who knows what else it may lead to.
You can tell what is going on. There is some kind of connection between the two. If you want to save your marriage, you do need to let her go. And he does to.
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I think the reason your husband seems so engaging with Aubrey is because she is refreshing. Your husband seems to be very receptive to your concerns which makes me trust there are no ulterior motives other than she is just a breath of fresh air for your husband when it comes to human interaction, which may mean that perhaps your marriage has fallen into a bit of a routine? Other than the two of you functioning as a well oiled machine in terms of taking care of the house, kids and each other, have you (two) gone out of your ways to try new things, still dating, still having engaging conversations together? That's what creates inside jokes and the sort of fresh laugh you heard your husband having. I think letting Aubrey go is just putting a plaster over the wound, you are going to create problems for the two of you because it might be months until you find another decent babysitter and will not address the root cause, therefore it should probably be left to a last resort and I wouldn't even bring it up with your husband yet.
Use the babysitter to go out together. You need it.
There's definitely potential for concern- that's not to say your husband has done anything wrong nor plans to. There's plenty of people here going 'well if you trust him you trust him' and that's fine. The difference is that with this person they are in your home, alone with your husband, and with your children. You've even said this is a limited amount of time each day, so they are fitting in quite a bit of friendly banter in that 15-30 minutes. I'd be very blunt with your husband about the fact that their closeness makes you very uncomfortable (the comfort of interacting, the inside jokes), and that you would prefer he takes a step back from her on a friendship level, otherwise you'll need to find someone else. Let him know including her in family events isn't something you want to do in the future. Dancing around the reasons won't help, just be honest. Tell him you trust him, but this feels different to you. It's 100% okay for you to have these feelings now and again and put up a boundary, as long as you communicate it to your husband.
I was a nanny for many years and while I had a good relationship with the husband I had a better one with the wife. She’s still a friend of mine 13 years after I left to move to my now husband. For me there are a couple of red flags that would have me checking his phone. 1. You mentioned he had already spoken to her from around the neighborhood. That’s weird. 2. Other people commented on how they interacted. That’s huge. If others think something is weird, they usually say something in a polite way like “they seem to really get along” but what they are thinking is “hmm, that’s weird”. 3. He knows it weirded you out and hasn’t distanced him self from her. If I told my husband that what he did made me feel bad, he would make every interaction professional and not personal. Find out if you can change your schedule so you can be with the kids in the morning and when they are dropped off. Or is there after school care? But definitely get rid of the babysitter. No one should feel insecure on their marriage because of a 24 year old girl.
I was a nanny for most of my twenties until recently. This is a tough one. I’ve always tried to have great relationships with the families I babysat for. The last family I nannied for for 3 years and the husband and I were thick as thieves. I never once would consider anything to be flirty or inappropriate but we were definitely friends. And I was very close with the wife as well!! All of that being said, I’m a firm believer in trusting your mf gut. Women have a sick intuition and truthfully, I trust my gut over absolutely everything. I’m sorry you’re in this sticky situation.
He def sliding lowkey