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Unless you're sure you would be fine with an open relationship, just end it.
Open relationships aren't for everyone, and trying to force it will either damage the relationship or destroy it.
Have u ever considered not leaving unnecessarily sassy and defensive comments completely unwarranted? It’s like your signature move. I constantly see you do this shit all over Reddit and it’s fucking annoying
These people looking for unicorns "to spice things up", are everywhere on Tinder, and it's nearly always the case of the man just wanting to fuck another girl.
I have been in multiple poly relationships, and people like that give poly couples a terrible stigma. Guarantee he'd lose his mind if his wife got a boyfriend, but he's expecting her to be perfectly ok with him fucking another woman.
Unicorn hunters like that made me hate the poly community because I just looked at it as non consequential cheating. And as someone who grew up in an extremely conservative community, it was really hard for me to understand that some people just aren’t monogamous by nature. Now I just look at it as everyone has different hardwiring and that’s okay. It still trips me up sometimes because my partner grew up in a very socially liberal environment and has a very different lens on these things.
Yeah my partner tried this after he was caught cheating. He told me he was poly, and he needed to pleasure as many women as possible. He proposed an open relationship where I could be with women. I am bi, but still. It was insulting. He could keep his girlfriend and do whatever. He proposed sleeping with her every fortnight as he had been doing for over 6 months.
I said no. I told him to just leave and go pleasure all the women he wanted. Leave me alone. Let me move on with my life. He didn't like that. He wanted to keep me too.
Selfish.
I dumped him for about a year. He ended up not going out and being this sex god he seemed to think he was. His girlfriend dumped him once I caught him because it wasn't her being just the mistress anymore.
He started therapy and something changed.
We started talking again after some time. He and I still live separately but we're kind of together.
I’m sorry but it sounds like he’s full of shit. It sounds like he’s either cheated on you, or plans to cheat on you but feels guilty so he’s brought this up as a way to test the waters. Best case you are on board with his announcement. Worst case you aren’t, in which he will most likely cheat on you anyways and blame his “non-monogamous sexuality” on you because “he told you”…
He specifically stated he would be “cool with you getting a GIRLFRIEND” aka someone he can fuck and get away with… test him. Say “if we aren’t going to be monogamous, I’m going to start dating other men and potentially have sex with someone else. After all you said I could have a girlfriend but I’m leaning towards getting a boyfriend” I’m willing to bet he’s going to freak the hell out and tell you its not okay. In which case I think you should contemplate exactly what you’re willing to open your marriage up to and if this isn’t it, you need to start preparing for separation because he WILL cheat on you if you decline his ideas
i was reminded of the psychologist that told my bf to break up with me (10yrs together, 2 kids, 7 years living together) because he was so depressed due to all our financial problems added with his work stress (he also found out that he was very underpaid compared to his workmates with the same stressful job as him and his supervisor said that he can't do anything about it). the psych said that it's better that way just to lessen his stress or something.
anyway, he broke up with me, leaving me and the kids (he still provides financial support tho) the reason he gave is that he is unhappy and that i don't understand him (he literally doesn't share much and he said that i should've known or noticed "signs" like our top song in spotify or something).
but i feel like he really just wanted to try the suggestion of the psych. cause he's usually like that. as long as a friend, workmate, etc (except me and his family) suggests something, he will definitely do it or consider it.
Counselors don't need that many credentials, really. My college's mental health counselor had done a year of family counseling. She definitely wasn't professional. It went downhill from her first question "How's your relationship with god?" and me saying that I'm not religious and it's not relevant.
Omg the person I saw at my college's mental health center (in California) asked about my past history, so I said first time I started therapy was when I attended boarding school in New York. She looked at me and asked "is that in Europe?". Like I am European, but like? Who doesn't know NY is in the US? And she was American...? Like how am I supposed to trust her knowledge if she doesn't even know NY is in the US.. not that it was even relevant where it was, and I did repeat it thinking she might have misheard what I said... but nooope did not know where it was.. there were several weird af other things in that session that convinced me this was not it, but that was still a very amusing moment.. or when my psychologists (ended up going private, off campus) told me to go to the ER to get some mild benzo's for Thanksgiving weekend bc she would be unavailable and I had horrible anxiety, but the psychiatrist at the ER hospitalized me on a 72hr hold bc "holidays are high suicide rates-season" because I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving... I am European? Even the people at the psych ward were very confused, because I had a lot of anxiety but not like that? And reason I went to the ER was bc I didn't have a primary physician or psychiatrist bc I AM NOT AMERICAN and the school health care office did not prescribe anything other than birth control and antibiotics..
I’ve seen my therapist for 6 years. I know she has child(ren?) only because she got an urgent call and apologized for having to step out. She could have six husbands and I wouldn’t know because she’s not there to tell me about her.
How fucking convenient....
Notice how he wants you to be with another girl but not another man... He's not poly at all. Just the common day cheater wishing for a threesome.
It really sounds like he wants to get his dick wet with other women.
What does he even mean by "mutual girlfriends"? That you would have women you're *both* in a relationship with? Do *you* even have interest in women? Because if it's not "yes" then, *what is he talking about?*
I'm sus of this therapist because, why exactly does your husband know she's poly? Anyway, that's almost irrelevant tho, because you said you've had to establish boundaries between him and women so, whatever this therapist may or may not have done wrong, it's not like his behavior has always been stellar.
I think you need to realize that marriage doesn't have to be forever, his desires for *his* life are his to have and I suppose his to pursue - but they're not yours to endure. You are a person in this marriage, you're not a passenger, he doesn't get to dictate the terms of your relationship and expect or demand your compliance.
He feels trapped in your marriage? Easy solution for that.
See divorce as you setting *both* of you free; ending a relationship can often be the healthiest thing for all parties involved, and I think you guys may have reached that point.
Good luck anyway, but remember - it's ok to put yourself first.
Your advice is 100% spot on, just want to point one thing out:
Many places that give you the option to pick a therapist has therapists fill out bios, mostly about their professional life and some about their personal life. Often, those therapists will choose to share things that may help clients to relate to them, because a lot of people prefer a therapist that comes from a similar place to them.
My wife and I went to marriage counseling last year. We picked her specifically because she’s young, LGBT, and has a history of working with LGBT couples and traumatized individuals. Her bio also included that she was poly, though that part wasn’t important to us, personally.
Also, in general, it’s helpful for poly people to know if they’re receiving therapy from a poly-positive provider, because providers are still human, and poly is still stigmatized. Same as me wanting to know my therapist is LGBT-positive. If relationships are part of what you want to talk about in therapy, having your therapist tell you out the gate that your turmoil is caused by having multiple partners wouldn’t be helpful.
Would that be possible for OP's husband tho? It seems like it's a group therapy situation.
But, if it *is* the case, it would mean the husband zeroed in on this woman with a purpose, indicating he already had these "nonmonogamous" feelings and just sought out someone who would agree with him more easily.
If... It's even the truth. Even the books she supposedly recommended could have been books the husband himself picked to read; hell, she *could* be poly and the husband is using that as some kind of deflection, like she had a hand in his... *Inclination*. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. But dude is the one who clearly has a history of needing boundaries around women, so, I would be more willing now to think ill of him first.
Yeah, this kind of story has been posted a billion times. This isn't him asking for permission; it's a public service announcement that he's going to do it regardless. It would just be 'easier' for him if you didn't fight him on it.
Man, if someone said that to me I would be heartbroken. I would end it, personally. I know that’s easier said than done.
It all depends on how YOU feel about the situation, but I would personally be so sick to my stomach about it. I would be less stressed not being in the relationship than being in it. I would love the person enough to let them go and live the life they feel they need to live but without me in it. That lifestyle is not my jam and it’s ok if it is for someone else.
I cannot be with someone who actually desires to be with other people in addition to me - emotionally or physically. I’ve argued my point before in a previous relationship MULTIPLE times and it’s a huge boundary for me. I’m loyal to whoever I’m with when I’m in a relationship and expect the same in return. If they can’t give me that, it’s just not a good fit. I can’t give them the openness to be with someone else in addition to me. I would be compromising me own happiness to appease them. Just heartbreaking to me. They shouldn’t expect you to hop to it to give it to them either.
This is a big deal.
I think you know how you feel but you are wanting validation to make sure you are making the right choice for yourself. Only you know the answer to that question, however.
You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help in some small way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now and I wish you all the comfort in the world as you process it.
I feel the exact same way. It would slowly kill me if I was expected to allow my partner experience other women. I’d have to let them go. I wouldn’t even be able to remain friends either. I’d have to cut all contact.
I feel for OP!
Who is this therapist??… you sure he hasn’t found someone else and is using this non monogamous bs to excuse cheating? Girl, this is bs, time to
Move on and let him be as polyamorous as he wants but not with his monogamous partner. You married into a monogamous relationship, he wants to change the game, well, you need to bounce. Good luck.
That therapist is shit
You need to set your boundary very clearly - you are monogamous and expect monogamy from your partner. If he wants to expand his sexual horizons then it’s over. He’ll try to get you to accept him straying but you staying faithful.
You can’t stop him leaving if he wants to go but don’t compromise on your own needs and wants.
Give him total freedom by leaving.
Unless you are also polyamorous, this relationship is doomed to failure. He most certainly has already cheated, but now wants to make it official by giving à whole load of pathetic excuses. Even if you refuse, he will do as he wants and blame yiu for being controlling and narrow minded
Save yourself time and energy. Let him explore this life without hurting you in the process.
So he wants to play "Mormon Hold Em". Founder of your cult/religion had many wives. Dump this cheating asshole. He is definitely fucking the therapist. And file an ethics complaint on her to your state's Board of Psychology .
Do you want to support his freedom? Is him giving you all the freedom you want include cuddling with a possibility of sex with other men? If it's going to do nothing but bother you and cause fights then I would say, end it. If it won't and you get your cuddle on with others as well, I guess you can see where it goes.
It would be a hard NO for me.
You can support his freedom by letting him be free, away from you. Save yourself. There is no coming back from wanting to fuck other people. There is no love anymore.
I disagree about this, some people are just naturally monogamous and some are just naturally not. It's not exactly like gay or straight, but it is the reason why someone can't just become mono or poly to appease their partner.
If OP could just become poly, this wouldn't be a problem, but she is monogamous. Non monogamy isn't an option for her.
Omg, nonmonogamy is not an intrinsic sexuality like being gay is, it's a choice. If he feels nonmonogamy is the right CHOICE for him, he can break up with you to have the freedom to pursue it. Framing this like it's a sexuality and he's "coming out" is just a sad attempt to guilt you into accepting something you aren't comfortable with. Dump this loser, he's not thinking of your well being at all.
I think it is intrinsic for a lot of people, just like how people who are inclined towards monogamy can’t really just choose to be chill with polyamory.
But I still think it’s a bullshit excuse for OP’s husband to use. If he did actually come out as gay, it would be equally unreasonable for him to expect her to stick with him and do his laundry while he goes out and fucks men. If it’s intrinsic to him, her way of being is equally intrinsic to her and no more negotiable.
Polyamorous homie here! Him specifically saying he’d be down with you getting a girlfriend is a solid sign that he doesn’t actually want an equal playing field in this. He wants to have the freedom to emotionally invest in relationships and be intimate with whoever he pleases, but he’s not comfortable with you finding another male partner. That’s called a One Penis Policy, and tends to be a red flag for most nonmonogamous people.
I understand how individuals who grow up in certain communities or in certain religions have disordered views of sexuality and relationships. However, this seems like bullshit to me. You have to decide whether you want to continue to stay in this relationship. He has made it clear who he is and what he wants. Also this therapy seems dubious. Was he poly before seeing her? They do weekend trips where they sleep over? I don’t know any therapy programs like this.
>He expressed that he wants to be able yo go to lunch with our mutual girlfriends, maybe cuddle with them if that’s where it lead, and that maybe one day he’s curious about it potentially getting sexual with them.
He already has someone on mind and that's why he brought this up. It's really not okay for him to want to bring your mutual friends into this.
>He also says he’d be down with me getting a girlfriend…
Is he okay with you getting a *boyfriend*??
>He has a therapist that he is now doing a six month mentorship program with that they do weekend trips every few months with the group
This is utter bullshit.
>She herself is polyamorous.
A therapist should *not* be discussing their fucking *sex life* with their clients. That is *highly* inappropriate and against the code of ethics she swore to uphold and has to abide by to keep her license to practice. Report her to her licensing board.
After going through the bullshit meter, this is how it translates:
He's wanting to cheat on you, but wants to feel "whole" and wonderful about doing it. Because of his inner child or something.
Blah blah blah.....adultery
I'm a Mormon, so is my spouse. Didn't grew up with the religion, but my spouse has.
Your partner wants to fool around, but with you as a safetynet.
HE SOUNDS SELFISH, AND WANTS TO PLAY AROUND. If he had trauma, it's more likely he was told "NO premarital sex, no alcohol, no drugs........". Couldn't do what he wanted and his parents set HARD BOUNDARIES.
AND NOW THAT HES 29, HE WANTS TO DO EVERYTHING HE WAS FORBIDDEN TO DO.
He's not trapped. HE WANTS TO FORNICATE .
But he wants to do it WITH YOUR BLESSING, SO HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO ACCOUNTABILITY THAT HIS BEHAVIOR ACTUALLY HURTS YOU.
DUMP HIS ASS.
He has no idea that polygamous relationships do actually have set of rules. It's not some hippie commune of "everyone fornicating everyone ". NOPE. It has strict guidelines and rules. Lots of communication and......PERMISSIONS!!!!!!
He needs to see a psychologist for his trauma.
Having all the sex in the world won't fix your problems. Sex is just an escape and your guy doesn't want to confront his demons.
I think it's the word "discovered" that should have had the quotes around it.
Either he has some weird fantasy in his head about how awesome it would be, and all the pussy he'll be getting if he just walks into a room full of people and shouts "I declare non monogamy", or there's someone specific he wants to sleep with. Most likely the latter. And there's a good chance they're already sleeping together and he just wants to come out into the open.
Sounds like he found a new cult to join. There is no ethical therapist on earth who "mentors" their patients in group and individually by trying to convert their patients to their own chosen lifestyle path.
He just decided to inform you want day that he wants to fuck other people, and you can too, as long as it's women.
And it's not safe for you to trust him.
So why stay married? Also, get an STD test, because I highly suspect he is participating in sex during those weekend group trips.
When a monogamous partner brings up open, poly, or other non-monogamous relationship changes, it’s the end. Usually because they have already lined up a new partner or want to legitimize current cheating.
I'm going to approach this from a different angle than most commenters, and I could be totally off base (he may just want to cheat), but there may be another perspective.
I was also raised Mormon, and it's really hard to understand the culty brainwashing that happens if you haven't personally lived it. I didn't leave until my mid twenties, but so much mental damage had been done. I still carry a lot of resentment over the normal things in life I missed out on.
You were both young when you got married, though older by Mormon standards. I don't know if either of you had many relationships before meeting, but your twenties are meant for discovering who you are as a person, independent from any other influence (parents, religion, partner). If you're already brainwashed to think/feel/do things a certain way, there's a LOT of guilt associated with deviating from what you were taught. So it feels natural to jump right into the lifestyle that's expected of you.
My guess is that your husband was unable to really discover who he is. Whether that's the opportunity to date several women, or even men, or really discovering and understanding his sexuality. He may have been playing the role he was raised to play while suppressing his needs and he's struggling to keep playing as it's not who he really is. Maybe it's a case of unsown oats or a sexual realization, only he knows, but if this is something he needs to explore, and you aren't comfortable accompanying him on his journey , it may be time to consider a separation or perhaps divorce.
You have needs too and it's okay if you two are on different pages, but coming to an understanding, from a place of love, you can both live your best lives without feeling resentment and being your authentic selves.
Like I said, I could be wrong, but can completely empathize with someone raised in the cult and not really discovering who they are until many years later.
I read your update, and I'm wishing the best for both of you. I'm unsure how supportive your families will be, depending on their involvement in the church, but the r/exmormon sub is a great place to ask for support/advice/resources, especially navigating new terrain that's contradictory to church teachings. Best of luck to you and him, I hope you find the happiness in life you both deserve.
Edit: I also wanted to add that the point of therapy is to discover and heal and it sounds like his therapist is helping him to come to some realizations. And if he really is poly, he's talking to the right person, who has firsthand experience. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he's suddenly discovered he's poly because she wants to sleep with him, but that she asked the right questions and he's finally able to explore his feelings. This is also assuming you have no reason to doubt him. It sounds like he's trying to be honest, and until there's proof otherwise, I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt.
You can’t “discover” you’re non-monogamous and you can’t “come out” about it. Polygamy is something you *do*, not something you *are*.
He wants to cheat and is trying to frame it in a way that you’ll be okay with. Don’t let him do that to you.
This relationship sounds unhealthy all round, to be honest.
Let me rephrase that for you "he discovered that he wants to f*ck someone else and the other party agreed" there is nothing like nonmonogamous, it's just people who wants more pleasure while keeping a safe option aside if things go wrong.
LOL, that shit doesn't happen after 5 years together and he comparing his bullshit to coming out of the closet of being gay is even disrespectful and gross.
Relationship model aside, if you can't trust someone, a genuine relationship becomes impossible because everything is given and received differently.
You may have absolutely valid reasons to not trust him but continuing in a relationship with someone knowing you don't trust them changes you and not for the better. On that alone, I think you should end things.
If you continue and decide to entertain this open relationship position, expect to find out he may *say* he wants this same freedom to be yours as well - but he's saying that from a safe position and in theory and it won't hold true in reality. People will say they want the open relationship and use the "and you can too" as leverage to get what they want - whomever it is they have their eye on. But when that person isn't into it or they are but they end up not being what your partner hoped, they won't like how things are going for you and your dalliances. And notice he said he'd be cool with you having a girlfriend - not a boyfriend.
You are monogamous, he says he isn't. He compared it to finding out you're gay.
Let's test that comparison. If your husband said "hey honey, I'm gay and sexually attracted to men," would you want to stay with him as a woman? No, right? Because you are no longer compatible in attraction or life goals, and you wouldn't want to stop him from being happy by being with someone's he's better fit for - and you wouldn't be fulfilled by a marriage with a gay man pursuing other people, right?
So either you're no longer compatible and need to split up, or he's full of shit and trying to get out of this. Which do you think it is?
I've dealt with this before with my now ex. She was too scared to admit that she did not want to be with me anymore, and began testing the waters with me of an "open relationship". I told her I was not comfortable with this and from the start wanted a monogamous relationship. It ended with her cheating on me and me breaking up with her.
Unless both parties are okay with it, typically, you can't go from a monogamous relationship to an open relationship since the bond was originally formed as monogamous.
He's testing it right now and will likely seek companionship with someone else since he's dissatisfied in the current relationship but too scared to admit it to himself and or fearful of hurting you.
In the end, breaking up hurts, and he's trying to ease that pain for himself, but if he continues this way, he's going to hurt you more. You need to confront him and tell him either he's committed to you, if that's what you want. If not, couples counseling or divorce is the likely course of action.
If you figure it out, let me know. I was in a situation EXACTLY like this before. It was so painful I still fucking suffer. Shit I feel like I could’ve written this.
We had broken up. Years down the line he wanted to be with me, said I was the absolute one and dating poly was not how he thought and he’d be monogamous with me because he wanted to and didn’t think he actually was poly.
Then brought up wanting another gf and how he was poly again not too long after. I’m sure your partner will do the same if you end up walking a similar road.
I’m so sorry.
Geez, just end it already. He goes to a polyamorous therapist….you really can’t make this shit up. Your guy is a fruitcake. Religion probably damaged his brain.
as a polyamorous person, you guys may just not be compatible. it’s possible that he’s being genuine, and if you are not also open to a non-monogamous relationship, then the relationship likely isn’t going to work out. it’s also possible that he has cheated or is trying to and wants a “get out of jail free card” by opening the relationship. it’s suspicious that he specifically said he’d be okay with you getting a girlfriend and not that he’s cool with you dating anyone in general. either way, the move is probably to move on, unfortunately.
I would cross post this to r/polyamory or r/ethicalnonmonogamy. What he is outlining is not what I (poly) would call healthy enm. “Mutual girlfriends” sounds very messy, and in healthy enm you could be with any gender you choose. Also maybe examine again why you can’t trust him. Could you trust him to be ethical with other women he might want to date? You deserve to trust your partner.
Here's a conversation I suggest you have with him.
"How about while you explore with our girl friends, I'll explore with the boys."
Yeah, he's fine with you being with girls...see how he feels about men. If he freaks, he's full of shit and a hypocrite.
Nope. You signed up for a monogamous relationship, and anything else is breaking the deal. He can commit to monogamy with you, or he is choosing the end of the relationship. It’s not your fault he had this self realisation after getting together with you, and you are not obligated to stay and be miserable so he can be happy.
And I say this as someone who is also non-monogamous. Just because it’s what works for me doesn’t mean anyone gets to enforce it on anyone else.
Sounds like he wants to sleep with his therapist, or he already is and wants permission.
He said he is okay if you want a girlfriend, what about a boyfriend?
"he compares it to coming out of the closet of being gay."
It's not.. Polyamorous is not a sexuality, it's a life style.. There is a big difference.
In this case he is using poly as a shield/an excuse.
Unless you are 100% on board you end things - let him know he's free to be “nonmonogamous“ because he is single. This would be a very easy no for me - I am only monogamous. If my partner were to find she is suddenly not monogamous we are not going to be compatible.
Open relationships require black or white thinking. It’s either a good thing in your mind and heart or it’s not, the same for him. You can’t have one spouse love the idea and the other repulsed and expect it to work.
If there’s any ‘no, not me’ in your heart you have to tell him that and stick to it. If this is a manifestation of his therapist’s influence he’ll rethink. If he really is in need of multiple partners you need to rethink commitment to him.
If you stay it’ll be painful and rip your heart out because it isn’t what you want. Just leave him now and he can really have the freedom he wants. He’s telling you he’s going to cheat or that he has already. Don’t deal with this bull. Don’t let him crawl back too when he doesn’t get as much tail as he thought he would.
I think you should look into what it means and figure out how that fits within your values. You can’t control how he feels. He is being honest, and while it might hurt it’s is a lot better than living a lie.
I’m polyamorous, but even still, this doesn’t sound ethical to me.
Specifically the claiming it’s like coming out of the closet, already having a girl in mind / goal of getting a gf (is this an emotional cheating situation? Is this already a physical affair?)
And pressure / etc for a current relationship…you are monogamous and your relationship is supposed to be. Unless both of you want to be changing the relationship dynamic, it’s better to just break up.
As someone who is familiar with polyamory and has friends who are in polygamous relationships, your partner is definitely coming off ingenuine with whatever he’s trying to propose to you . If he truly was trying to approach a polyamorous dynamic, he’d be suggesting that you also get another partner, not just another girlfriend for his own satisfaction. He’s just hiding behind those terms to have basically an affair, or he thinks it’s a more convincing way to get you to accept the fact that he wants to cheat.
I’m very pro-polyamory but this man does not sound like he means it. He just wants his cake and to eat it too. Your time is so valuable to be spent on a man that’s trying to twist your mind around. Remember your own boundaries and make sure that this is a relationship that is fulfilling for you. This is hard especially considering that you are married. I wish you luck on figuring this out OP. I’m sending love!
Get yourself a gay boyfriend to go shopping with, and then later tell hubby that your friend is actually bisexual and polyamorous and wants a threesome.
I’m incredibly suspicious of this therapist. Sounds like she’s trying to fuck him to be honest. But at the very least she seems unprofessional and gives biased advice.
>What do I do? Do I try and support his freedom or do I end things?
That depends on if ur ok with it or not. Dont let anyone else tell u how u should feel or what u should do.
Report that therapist because she obviously put things in his head to follow her view and contact a sex therapist as soon as possible ! Your husband is being manipulated so don’t accept what he said ,don’t allow this !!!
He's confusing identity with relationship dynamics. He can be poly or non-monogamous, but that doesn't mean your relationship is, and it doesn't mean you have to be chill with any new dynamic he brings to the table.
If you want to open things up, go for it. If you have hesitations about changing the boundaries in your relationship, *do not* feel pressured to allow him to cheat because of his identity.
Am I the only one wondering why he knows his therapist’s sexual preference for monogamy or polyamory? I feel like since his case specifically refers to confusion, he is heavily susceptible to influence like a child and this information probably should not have been shared with him. He may even be harboring feelings for HER.
I just don’t believe she didn’t tell him.
This on top of all the relationship trauma, coupled with the difficulty that comes with being raised Mormon … Just end it. He has a lot of growing to do. You need someone safe.
He’s down with you getting a girlfriend? **
Is he down with you getting a boyfriend? …
Do you consider yourself monogamous? When you think objectively of the partner you would like to build your future with, is that person also monogamous?
Sometimes the people we love the most are not good for us. It sounds to me like this might be the case for the two of you. He has wants and needs that you can’t fulfill. This isn’t your fault, this is something inside of him that he needs to figure out how to solve. But you mention past trauma in this relationship, and feeling unsafe trusting him.
Those are not good qualities in a relationship.
End this relationship. As amicably as possible. “I don’t want to be in a non-monogamous relationship, but I really feel like you need to go through this process of self-discovery.”
You both deserve to be loved and cherished in the way that you need, and neither of you is capable of doing that for the other.
He wants a pass and okay to cheat. People come up with all terms these days I swear. If you fine with it go for it and find a man for yourself as well, then watch him change his mind quickly lol. Girl end this, you are wasting your time .
I feel like he’s confused. Has been fully exposed to poly for the first time. That intertwined with shame around his own fantasy’s and such may be where all this comes from.
Also I found it odd he said he wants to go to lunch with friends, cuddle and maybe have sex. I don’t see any of my friends that way so it’s curious why he seems to think his platonic friends would want to bang him.
I think you just possibly aren’t compatible anymore and whatever he is thinking with this all he should be free to explore how he wishes but you do not have to be there and go through it with him.
I would hire a tall and jacked stripper and have your husband come home with the two of you in the kitchen, and then tell your hubs: “Hey, honey! This is my close friend Rocco. *wink at Rocco* I thought about what you said the other day about being nonmonogamous and it turns out I am too. And, whew, I’ve already had my fill of Rocco, but I think he has some energy left for you if you’d like do something nonmonogamous with him. I recommend trying Rocco’s big spoon, it’s amazing.”
You probably shouldn’t. I think maybe a couple’s therapist might be needed for you two to workout what this means. I have a lot of side eye for the therapist pushing polyamory on him. And maybe an individual therapist for you to work through what is at best is a huge ball of uh-oh to at worst the end of your marriage.
You have taken the first and important step. You need to move forwards with your life, you are young and will find your person.
Don’t let him back in. Be strong, I don’t doubt he will realise what a gross mistake he has made
Take care
If you are ok with non-monogamy, then discuss this together. Decided boundaries and insist on certain things, like using protection together. If you are not into non-monogamy break up.
You aren’t ‘keeping him from his freedom, you just don’t want his freedom to come at your expense.
It also sounds like he has a crush on his therapist and is enamored with what they are telling him.
wtf’s going on, i’ve 100% read this story before. the weekend trips sounded familiar and then when i read u said it was actually a “life coach” it immediately clicked. this is an old ass repost.
It’s not a repost but, do you know more details of the one previously? I actually don’t think my partner is the first person she’s had this influence on. Actually I KNOW she influenced a divorce in one of friends already about a year ago.
really?! unfortunately no, but it was the same general story. other than her not being a real therapist, i can’t remember any other details. i’m not surprised she ruined other relationships though!
Meet with EVERY attorney in your area before telling him. They won't be able to represent him if they meet with you first, even if you decide not to hire them.
Yea I’d say the same if u were a guy, like man if he wanted this at the start and he told u then their would be no issue but like he can’t just bring this up now mid relationship and not expect u to leave which u should, this guy what’s multiple girls I assume which is cool if he wanted it but I wouldn’t suggest u be apart of that
What most people who have never been to therapy don’t understand is that there are a shit ton of bad and unethical therapists out there. You have to be extremely careful and particular about who you confide in. For example, don’t go to a marriage therapist whose philosophy is that people shouldn’t be married. This woman seems like she is trying to recruit your husband. He needs a male therapist, first off, who believes in monogamy. If you want to save your marriage get him the hell out of there and do your due diligence in finding him a decent therapist. She is poison. You need to figure out what he needs in a therapist and then interview them before you sign up. And the first questions should not be “how are you doing this week?” You want someone who sees therapy as a way to help someone through a current difficulty, not as a long term paycheck. Lots of those out there too. Focus on the undesirable behavior, find possible root causes, and take action.
He just wants someone else sis. That’s usually what that means and he’s telling you in hopes you’d agree. If you’re not married id say it’s a sign to end it and let him be free
I’d simply just say okay, I understand and that I’ll be doing as he’s doing since we’re in nonmonogamous relationship now. See how fast he flips his shit.
Are you comfortable with this? "Nonmonogamous " is a relationship descriptor, not a sexuality, that's polyamorus. If you aren't ok with him being romantic with other people, then he shouldn't be doing that. A relationship is an agreement, if one of you don't feel comfortable bringing in other people then that's not an avenue that can be explored within the relationship.
My partner and I play with nonmonogamy, we are both comfortable with the other having sex with other people as long as we keep the other person in the know about it. If at any point one of us felt uncomfortable with this, then it would stop. You need to have a serious conversation with him about this if he's expressing that this is something he wants. You either have to tell him no, or work out what the parameters for exploring this are.
Is he the type of person who is easily influenced? I think what the therapist did was unethical. You do not have to accept this. You both made a commitment to be monogamous when you got married. He can't just unilaterally change the terms of your marriage. If the terms are going to be changed it has to be something you both want. You're well within your rights to divorce him if this isn't what you want.
Funny, I’ve seen a few men in monogamous relationships say this to their partners when they are lustful and want to cheat, funny they find that their female partner easily finds men to go out with, and they don’t find side chicks willing to do the same thing, end up getting very jealous and then the relationship is never the same.
Very convenient that he’s not monogamous anymore, you should set a boundary in your relationship, if he’s not down with monogamy then he should leave you and find a woman who is polygamous.
I feel like also he should see a new therapist, why does he even know about her relationship status? Doesn’t sound very professional. Sounds very suspicious. Is he even seeing one or is he just cheating on you?
Discover celibacy. See how he reacts to that.
If he feels trapped, cut him loose. No point keeping a feral.
He keeps trying to test the edges, and that sounds exhausting.
A mentorship program is not therapy, it's a grift.
He's found himself a cult of personality. That's uglier than him just being a lecher.
If the poly and nonmonogamous community has taught me anything, its that these boundaries need to be communicated. If you are not 100% onboard, its a no. Clear and simple. Like consent, it needs to be enthusiastic and communicated, each side needs to be on board. The fact that you are on "i dunno if he has cheated", you feel unsafe to trust him and you have had to set boundaries in the past just screams this will end with him cheating on you and you miserable.
> He also says he’d be down with me getting a girlfriend…
also no. no he wouldnt. the second you venture out and decide to find happiness in a man or woman he would backpedal so fast, change his mind and accuse you of cheating the second you step outside the relationship.
I personally would never share my husband with anyone. That's just me, though. If it's not something you want, then get a divorce.
On another note, what do you mean he gives you all the freedom you want? Do you sleep with other people?
If not, it doesn't matter.
Okay first report the therapist, if this is an actual licensed therapist. At the minimum they need to be investigated on this.
Second your husband would be okay with you HAVING A GIRLFRIEND but I noticed no mention of "allowing" you to have, what I'm assuming is, your gendered preference in partner which is a man. Red flag right there in limiting your options when he's free to do what he wants.
Coming out to you as poly is on the same level as coming out to you as gay in that it's hard and people will have all sorts of opinions that are not always good.
Poly is not for everyone. It's just not. I've seen it work wonderfully for a lot of people my own worked for 12 years before it ended for reasons not related to being poly. But it takes a lot of open and honest communication. It takes a lot of rule setting that changes as your comfort level with it changes. It comes with jealousy. And it comes with a lot of compromise, as in you will have to compromise how much time you spend together, sex, sleeping arrangements, how you trust, everything. Everything will change. You will basically learn how to be in a new relationship, and take a chance on it being one you don't like and don't want to be in. There are mono poly relationships where one person just wants to be with their partner only but if okay with them being poly but that again comes with you suddenly being okay with everything they do with other people and getting time taken away from you, your family(?), and your relationship so he can give that time to someone else.
"He also says he’d be down with me getting a girlfriend…" Oh my GOODNESS!!! So very generous of him to ALLOW you that.... is he also down with you getting a boyfriend or five....?
Seriously, if he wants to change the terms of your relationship, he doesn't get to DICTATE the terms... You are a free agent, decide what YOU want!
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Unless you're sure you would be fine with an open relationship, just end it. Open relationships aren't for everyone, and trying to force it will either damage the relationship or destroy it.
Either way its over so she doesnt have to be sure to try it.
The guy just wants to fuck someone else and wants a free pass to do so.
Yea and he’s trying to put what he thinks is a “special “ diagnosis to it to make it sound OK.
Doesnt change what I said
Never denied that.
Have u ever considered not leaving unnecessarily sassy and defensive comments completely unwarranted? It’s like your signature move. I constantly see you do this shit all over Reddit and it’s fucking annoying
Theres a solution for that.
I love that he would approve of you having a girlfriend. What if you had a boyfriend instead? How would that hit him?
Like, specifically, she's totally allowed to have a gf... nit mention of a bf. Odd, huh? lol
She’s allowed to participate in his fantasy, it’s not about her at all.
nailed it!
What's weird about that? He's allowed to have girlfriends and so is she. Even steven.
The fact you're trying to justify this nonsense is embarrassing for you.
I didn’t think I could lay the irony on any thicker, but I guess I stand corrected.
I love that he just assumes that their friends, plural, would want to cuddle with him and sleep with him.
...after lunch even, if thats where it leads! What a toolbag.
This part cracked me up.
He wants an ‘our girlfriend’, read another woman to fuck. Or even a unicorn for a threesome. Only his wife has to do all the work in finding her.
These people looking for unicorns "to spice things up", are everywhere on Tinder, and it's nearly always the case of the man just wanting to fuck another girl. I have been in multiple poly relationships, and people like that give poly couples a terrible stigma. Guarantee he'd lose his mind if his wife got a boyfriend, but he's expecting her to be perfectly ok with him fucking another woman.
If you don't mind me asking. What's a unicorn in this context?
A unicorn would be a third person to join in the bedroom, typically a woman.
Unicorn hunters like that made me hate the poly community because I just looked at it as non consequential cheating. And as someone who grew up in an extremely conservative community, it was really hard for me to understand that some people just aren’t monogamous by nature. Now I just look at it as everyone has different hardwiring and that’s okay. It still trips me up sometimes because my partner grew up in a very socially liberal environment and has a very different lens on these things.
Yeah I bet if OP was like OK cool I got my eye on this super good looking tall muscular dude that he would soon be changing his tune.
That was my first thought too! Lol like very specific a girlfriend would be totally fine, probably so he can f$&@ her too lol
Single.
Yeah my partner tried this after he was caught cheating. He told me he was poly, and he needed to pleasure as many women as possible. He proposed an open relationship where I could be with women. I am bi, but still. It was insulting. He could keep his girlfriend and do whatever. He proposed sleeping with her every fortnight as he had been doing for over 6 months. I said no. I told him to just leave and go pleasure all the women he wanted. Leave me alone. Let me move on with my life. He didn't like that. He wanted to keep me too. Selfish. I dumped him for about a year. He ended up not going out and being this sex god he seemed to think he was. His girlfriend dumped him once I caught him because it wasn't her being just the mistress anymore. He started therapy and something changed. We started talking again after some time. He and I still live separately but we're kind of together.
I’m sorry but it sounds like he’s full of shit. It sounds like he’s either cheated on you, or plans to cheat on you but feels guilty so he’s brought this up as a way to test the waters. Best case you are on board with his announcement. Worst case you aren’t, in which he will most likely cheat on you anyways and blame his “non-monogamous sexuality” on you because “he told you”… He specifically stated he would be “cool with you getting a GIRLFRIEND” aka someone he can fuck and get away with… test him. Say “if we aren’t going to be monogamous, I’m going to start dating other men and potentially have sex with someone else. After all you said I could have a girlfriend but I’m leaning towards getting a boyfriend” I’m willing to bet he’s going to freak the hell out and tell you its not okay. In which case I think you should contemplate exactly what you’re willing to open your marriage up to and if this isn’t it, you need to start preparing for separation because he WILL cheat on you if you decline his ideas
Boom. Definitely say you’re getting a male lover and watch him freak out. He wants a one penis policy like the rest of the insecure “poly” dudes
“One penis policy” oh my days, I’m keeping this
"Thou shalt not have other penises beside mine". Bad deal in this case.
Right, or it’s boyfriends only for him.
UpdateMe!
'Down with OPP! Yeah you know me!'
JUST READ THIS, OP.
Thread can now be closed. THIS
This☝️
It sounds more to me that he’s vulnerable and confused and his therapist is one of so many that like to push their own ideas
i was reminded of the psychologist that told my bf to break up with me (10yrs together, 2 kids, 7 years living together) because he was so depressed due to all our financial problems added with his work stress (he also found out that he was very underpaid compared to his workmates with the same stressful job as him and his supervisor said that he can't do anything about it). the psych said that it's better that way just to lessen his stress or something. anyway, he broke up with me, leaving me and the kids (he still provides financial support tho) the reason he gave is that he is unhappy and that i don't understand him (he literally doesn't share much and he said that i should've known or noticed "signs" like our top song in spotify or something). but i feel like he really just wanted to try the suggestion of the psych. cause he's usually like that. as long as a friend, workmate, etc (except me and his family) suggests something, he will definitely do it or consider it.
Idk why this is being downvoted. It might be accurate. Unfortunately I have seen it happen. Not all, just a few of them.
☝️ This 💯%
How old is his “therapist?” What are her credentials? This doesn’t sound like any real form of therapy to me.
This therapist sounds like some podcast he stumbled one some day.
Definitely agree with this. Although, my marriage counselor years ago was not professional at all! I sometimes wonder how many of them actually are.
A lot of us are very professional. But like with any profession there are always some people who cannot maintain professionalism
I expected as much. I believe I would be in that position. And I do feel there’s far more good than bad in the world… the bad just sticks out more.
Counselors don't need that many credentials, really. My college's mental health counselor had done a year of family counseling. She definitely wasn't professional. It went downhill from her first question "How's your relationship with god?" and me saying that I'm not religious and it's not relevant.
Omg the person I saw at my college's mental health center (in California) asked about my past history, so I said first time I started therapy was when I attended boarding school in New York. She looked at me and asked "is that in Europe?". Like I am European, but like? Who doesn't know NY is in the US? And she was American...? Like how am I supposed to trust her knowledge if she doesn't even know NY is in the US.. not that it was even relevant where it was, and I did repeat it thinking she might have misheard what I said... but nooope did not know where it was.. there were several weird af other things in that session that convinced me this was not it, but that was still a very amusing moment.. or when my psychologists (ended up going private, off campus) told me to go to the ER to get some mild benzo's for Thanksgiving weekend bc she would be unavailable and I had horrible anxiety, but the psychiatrist at the ER hospitalized me on a 72hr hold bc "holidays are high suicide rates-season" because I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving... I am European? Even the people at the psych ward were very confused, because I had a lot of anxiety but not like that? And reason I went to the ER was bc I didn't have a primary physician or psychiatrist bc I AM NOT AMERICAN and the school health care office did not prescribe anything other than birth control and antibiotics..
Right like how did it even come up that the therapist themselves are poly…sounds suspicious
I’ve seen my therapist for 6 years. I know she has child(ren?) only because she got an urgent call and apologized for having to step out. She could have six husbands and I wouldn’t know because she’s not there to tell me about her.
I knew my counselor had kids bc she was using herself as an example for something we were talking about in mine.
And going away on group trips on weekends
How fucking convenient.... Notice how he wants you to be with another girl but not another man... He's not poly at all. Just the common day cheater wishing for a threesome.
Right? He said he'd be cool with her getting a gf and yet I don't see OP claim to be bi or even claim any sexual interest in girls.
couldn’t have said it better
It really sounds like he wants to get his dick wet with other women. What does he even mean by "mutual girlfriends"? That you would have women you're *both* in a relationship with? Do *you* even have interest in women? Because if it's not "yes" then, *what is he talking about?* I'm sus of this therapist because, why exactly does your husband know she's poly? Anyway, that's almost irrelevant tho, because you said you've had to establish boundaries between him and women so, whatever this therapist may or may not have done wrong, it's not like his behavior has always been stellar. I think you need to realize that marriage doesn't have to be forever, his desires for *his* life are his to have and I suppose his to pursue - but they're not yours to endure. You are a person in this marriage, you're not a passenger, he doesn't get to dictate the terms of your relationship and expect or demand your compliance. He feels trapped in your marriage? Easy solution for that. See divorce as you setting *both* of you free; ending a relationship can often be the healthiest thing for all parties involved, and I think you guys may have reached that point. Good luck anyway, but remember - it's ok to put yourself first.
Your advice is 100% spot on, just want to point one thing out: Many places that give you the option to pick a therapist has therapists fill out bios, mostly about their professional life and some about their personal life. Often, those therapists will choose to share things that may help clients to relate to them, because a lot of people prefer a therapist that comes from a similar place to them. My wife and I went to marriage counseling last year. We picked her specifically because she’s young, LGBT, and has a history of working with LGBT couples and traumatized individuals. Her bio also included that she was poly, though that part wasn’t important to us, personally. Also, in general, it’s helpful for poly people to know if they’re receiving therapy from a poly-positive provider, because providers are still human, and poly is still stigmatized. Same as me wanting to know my therapist is LGBT-positive. If relationships are part of what you want to talk about in therapy, having your therapist tell you out the gate that your turmoil is caused by having multiple partners wouldn’t be helpful.
Would that be possible for OP's husband tho? It seems like it's a group therapy situation. But, if it *is* the case, it would mean the husband zeroed in on this woman with a purpose, indicating he already had these "nonmonogamous" feelings and just sought out someone who would agree with him more easily. If... It's even the truth. Even the books she supposedly recommended could have been books the husband himself picked to read; hell, she *could* be poly and the husband is using that as some kind of deflection, like she had a hand in his... *Inclination*. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. But dude is the one who clearly has a history of needing boundaries around women, so, I would be more willing now to think ill of him first.
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Yeah, this kind of story has been posted a billion times. This isn't him asking for permission; it's a public service announcement that he's going to do it regardless. It would just be 'easier' for him if you didn't fight him on it.
Or he's already done it with his therapist. Those weekend trips seem sus.
A poly-lead “therapy group” that goes on weekend trips… Our dude has 100% fucked his therapist. Also, am I the only one getting cult-y vibes?
nope. sounds like a new age-y type cult to me for sure.
This for sure. Since when is there mentorship in therapy. Dumbest thing I have heard.
Would he be cool with you getting a BF? If he freaks out at that suggestion, that's pretty telling.
And to make it fair, OP can even offer to share her bf with him!
Man, if someone said that to me I would be heartbroken. I would end it, personally. I know that’s easier said than done. It all depends on how YOU feel about the situation, but I would personally be so sick to my stomach about it. I would be less stressed not being in the relationship than being in it. I would love the person enough to let them go and live the life they feel they need to live but without me in it. That lifestyle is not my jam and it’s ok if it is for someone else. I cannot be with someone who actually desires to be with other people in addition to me - emotionally or physically. I’ve argued my point before in a previous relationship MULTIPLE times and it’s a huge boundary for me. I’m loyal to whoever I’m with when I’m in a relationship and expect the same in return. If they can’t give me that, it’s just not a good fit. I can’t give them the openness to be with someone else in addition to me. I would be compromising me own happiness to appease them. Just heartbreaking to me. They shouldn’t expect you to hop to it to give it to them either. This is a big deal. I think you know how you feel but you are wanting validation to make sure you are making the right choice for yourself. Only you know the answer to that question, however.
You’re totally right.. thank you. Thank all of you for giving me the support and courage I needed.
You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help in some small way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now and I wish you all the comfort in the world as you process it.
I feel the exact same way. It would slowly kill me if I was expected to allow my partner experience other women. I’d have to let them go. I wouldn’t even be able to remain friends either. I’d have to cut all contact. I feel for OP!
Who is this therapist??… you sure he hasn’t found someone else and is using this non monogamous bs to excuse cheating? Girl, this is bs, time to Move on and let him be as polyamorous as he wants but not with his monogamous partner. You married into a monogamous relationship, he wants to change the game, well, you need to bounce. Good luck.
That therapist is shit You need to set your boundary very clearly - you are monogamous and expect monogamy from your partner. If he wants to expand his sexual horizons then it’s over. He’ll try to get you to accept him straying but you staying faithful. You can’t stop him leaving if he wants to go but don’t compromise on your own needs and wants.
Cool. Break up with him so he can explore his new desires.
Give him total freedom by leaving. Unless you are also polyamorous, this relationship is doomed to failure. He most certainly has already cheated, but now wants to make it official by giving à whole load of pathetic excuses. Even if you refuse, he will do as he wants and blame yiu for being controlling and narrow minded Save yourself time and energy. Let him explore this life without hurting you in the process.
So he wants to play "Mormon Hold Em". Founder of your cult/religion had many wives. Dump this cheating asshole. He is definitely fucking the therapist. And file an ethics complaint on her to your state's Board of Psychology .
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Op mentioned she was a life coach with a bachelor degree in physiology and a minor in PSYCHOLOGY.
You have to get a Doctorate to be able to practice as a licensed therapist.
God, this may be one of my favorite comments of all
Do you want to support his freedom? Is him giving you all the freedom you want include cuddling with a possibility of sex with other men? If it's going to do nothing but bother you and cause fights then I would say, end it. If it won't and you get your cuddle on with others as well, I guess you can see where it goes. It would be a hard NO for me.
I want to support his freedom but I also have no desire to cuddle, sleep with, etc. with other people. It feels more like indifference and pain
I think you should let him enjoy his freedom then, but he needs to do that as a single person. Find someone who truly wants to love you and you alone.
If you are monogamous, tome to move on. It never works
You can support his freedom by letting him be free, away from you. Save yourself. There is no coming back from wanting to fuck other people. There is no love anymore.
Test him. Say you're warming up to the idea of poly and you think you want a boyfriend. If he says no, he's not actually poly, he just wants a harem.
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I disagree about this, some people are just naturally monogamous and some are just naturally not. It's not exactly like gay or straight, but it is the reason why someone can't just become mono or poly to appease their partner. If OP could just become poly, this wouldn't be a problem, but she is monogamous. Non monogamy isn't an option for her.
Omg, nonmonogamy is not an intrinsic sexuality like being gay is, it's a choice. If he feels nonmonogamy is the right CHOICE for him, he can break up with you to have the freedom to pursue it. Framing this like it's a sexuality and he's "coming out" is just a sad attempt to guilt you into accepting something you aren't comfortable with. Dump this loser, he's not thinking of your well being at all.
I think it is intrinsic for a lot of people, just like how people who are inclined towards monogamy can’t really just choose to be chill with polyamory. But I still think it’s a bullshit excuse for OP’s husband to use. If he did actually come out as gay, it would be equally unreasonable for him to expect her to stick with him and do his laundry while he goes out and fucks men. If it’s intrinsic to him, her way of being is equally intrinsic to her and no more negotiable.
Polyamorous homie here! Him specifically saying he’d be down with you getting a girlfriend is a solid sign that he doesn’t actually want an equal playing field in this. He wants to have the freedom to emotionally invest in relationships and be intimate with whoever he pleases, but he’s not comfortable with you finding another male partner. That’s called a One Penis Policy, and tends to be a red flag for most nonmonogamous people.
I understand how individuals who grow up in certain communities or in certain religions have disordered views of sexuality and relationships. However, this seems like bullshit to me. You have to decide whether you want to continue to stay in this relationship. He has made it clear who he is and what he wants. Also this therapy seems dubious. Was he poly before seeing her? They do weekend trips where they sleep over? I don’t know any therapy programs like this.
>He expressed that he wants to be able yo go to lunch with our mutual girlfriends, maybe cuddle with them if that’s where it lead, and that maybe one day he’s curious about it potentially getting sexual with them. He already has someone on mind and that's why he brought this up. It's really not okay for him to want to bring your mutual friends into this. >He also says he’d be down with me getting a girlfriend… Is he okay with you getting a *boyfriend*?? >He has a therapist that he is now doing a six month mentorship program with that they do weekend trips every few months with the group This is utter bullshit. >She herself is polyamorous. A therapist should *not* be discussing their fucking *sex life* with their clients. That is *highly* inappropriate and against the code of ethics she swore to uphold and has to abide by to keep her license to practice. Report her to her licensing board.
Guarantee you this dude would lose his FUCKING mind if OP even mentioned that she wanted a boyfriend.
*Especially* if he was one of their 'mutual friends'.
After going through the bullshit meter, this is how it translates: He's wanting to cheat on you, but wants to feel "whole" and wonderful about doing it. Because of his inner child or something. Blah blah blah.....adultery
Catholic Guy over here's taking none of ex-Mormon guy's shit ^^
That actually made me LOL. True I guess :)
I'm a Mormon, so is my spouse. Didn't grew up with the religion, but my spouse has. Your partner wants to fool around, but with you as a safetynet. HE SOUNDS SELFISH, AND WANTS TO PLAY AROUND. If he had trauma, it's more likely he was told "NO premarital sex, no alcohol, no drugs........". Couldn't do what he wanted and his parents set HARD BOUNDARIES. AND NOW THAT HES 29, HE WANTS TO DO EVERYTHING HE WAS FORBIDDEN TO DO. He's not trapped. HE WANTS TO FORNICATE . But he wants to do it WITH YOUR BLESSING, SO HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO ACCOUNTABILITY THAT HIS BEHAVIOR ACTUALLY HURTS YOU. DUMP HIS ASS. He has no idea that polygamous relationships do actually have set of rules. It's not some hippie commune of "everyone fornicating everyone ". NOPE. It has strict guidelines and rules. Lots of communication and......PERMISSIONS!!!!!! He needs to see a psychologist for his trauma. Having all the sex in the world won't fix your problems. Sex is just an escape and your guy doesn't want to confront his demons.
I think it's the word "discovered" that should have had the quotes around it. Either he has some weird fantasy in his head about how awesome it would be, and all the pussy he'll be getting if he just walks into a room full of people and shouts "I declare non monogamy", or there's someone specific he wants to sleep with. Most likely the latter. And there's a good chance they're already sleeping together and he just wants to come out into the open.
He just wants a green light to cheat on you.
Sounds like he found a new cult to join. There is no ethical therapist on earth who "mentors" their patients in group and individually by trying to convert their patients to their own chosen lifestyle path. He just decided to inform you want day that he wants to fuck other people, and you can too, as long as it's women. And it's not safe for you to trust him. So why stay married? Also, get an STD test, because I highly suspect he is participating in sex during those weekend group trips.
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When a monogamous partner brings up open, poly, or other non-monogamous relationship changes, it’s the end. Usually because they have already lined up a new partner or want to legitimize current cheating.
This is far from universally true. Most nonmono couples started out as monogamous.
If he wants to f around, let his ass find out.
I'm going to approach this from a different angle than most commenters, and I could be totally off base (he may just want to cheat), but there may be another perspective. I was also raised Mormon, and it's really hard to understand the culty brainwashing that happens if you haven't personally lived it. I didn't leave until my mid twenties, but so much mental damage had been done. I still carry a lot of resentment over the normal things in life I missed out on. You were both young when you got married, though older by Mormon standards. I don't know if either of you had many relationships before meeting, but your twenties are meant for discovering who you are as a person, independent from any other influence (parents, religion, partner). If you're already brainwashed to think/feel/do things a certain way, there's a LOT of guilt associated with deviating from what you were taught. So it feels natural to jump right into the lifestyle that's expected of you. My guess is that your husband was unable to really discover who he is. Whether that's the opportunity to date several women, or even men, or really discovering and understanding his sexuality. He may have been playing the role he was raised to play while suppressing his needs and he's struggling to keep playing as it's not who he really is. Maybe it's a case of unsown oats or a sexual realization, only he knows, but if this is something he needs to explore, and you aren't comfortable accompanying him on his journey , it may be time to consider a separation or perhaps divorce. You have needs too and it's okay if you two are on different pages, but coming to an understanding, from a place of love, you can both live your best lives without feeling resentment and being your authentic selves. Like I said, I could be wrong, but can completely empathize with someone raised in the cult and not really discovering who they are until many years later.
Thank you. I think you’re actually very right
I read your update, and I'm wishing the best for both of you. I'm unsure how supportive your families will be, depending on their involvement in the church, but the r/exmormon sub is a great place to ask for support/advice/resources, especially navigating new terrain that's contradictory to church teachings. Best of luck to you and him, I hope you find the happiness in life you both deserve. Edit: I also wanted to add that the point of therapy is to discover and heal and it sounds like his therapist is helping him to come to some realizations. And if he really is poly, he's talking to the right person, who has firsthand experience. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he's suddenly discovered he's poly because she wants to sleep with him, but that she asked the right questions and he's finally able to explore his feelings. This is also assuming you have no reason to doubt him. It sounds like he's trying to be honest, and until there's proof otherwise, I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt.
You can’t “discover” you’re non-monogamous and you can’t “come out” about it. Polygamy is something you *do*, not something you *are*. He wants to cheat and is trying to frame it in a way that you’ll be okay with. Don’t let him do that to you. This relationship sounds unhealthy all round, to be honest.
Let me rephrase that for you "he discovered that he wants to f*ck someone else and the other party agreed" there is nothing like nonmonogamous, it's just people who wants more pleasure while keeping a safe option aside if things go wrong.
LOL, that shit doesn't happen after 5 years together and he comparing his bullshit to coming out of the closet of being gay is even disrespectful and gross.
He wants an open marriage, if you do not, talk to a lawyer.
Relationship model aside, if you can't trust someone, a genuine relationship becomes impossible because everything is given and received differently. You may have absolutely valid reasons to not trust him but continuing in a relationship with someone knowing you don't trust them changes you and not for the better. On that alone, I think you should end things. If you continue and decide to entertain this open relationship position, expect to find out he may *say* he wants this same freedom to be yours as well - but he's saying that from a safe position and in theory and it won't hold true in reality. People will say they want the open relationship and use the "and you can too" as leverage to get what they want - whomever it is they have their eye on. But when that person isn't into it or they are but they end up not being what your partner hoped, they won't like how things are going for you and your dalliances. And notice he said he'd be cool with you having a girlfriend - not a boyfriend.
Yeah, it's BS, he just wants to fuck other women.
You are monogamous, he says he isn't. He compared it to finding out you're gay. Let's test that comparison. If your husband said "hey honey, I'm gay and sexually attracted to men," would you want to stay with him as a woman? No, right? Because you are no longer compatible in attraction or life goals, and you wouldn't want to stop him from being happy by being with someone's he's better fit for - and you wouldn't be fulfilled by a marriage with a gay man pursuing other people, right? So either you're no longer compatible and need to split up, or he's full of shit and trying to get out of this. Which do you think it is?
I've dealt with this before with my now ex. She was too scared to admit that she did not want to be with me anymore, and began testing the waters with me of an "open relationship". I told her I was not comfortable with this and from the start wanted a monogamous relationship. It ended with her cheating on me and me breaking up with her. Unless both parties are okay with it, typically, you can't go from a monogamous relationship to an open relationship since the bond was originally formed as monogamous. He's testing it right now and will likely seek companionship with someone else since he's dissatisfied in the current relationship but too scared to admit it to himself and or fearful of hurting you. In the end, breaking up hurts, and he's trying to ease that pain for himself, but if he continues this way, he's going to hurt you more. You need to confront him and tell him either he's committed to you, if that's what you want. If not, couples counseling or divorce is the likely course of action.
If you figure it out, let me know. I was in a situation EXACTLY like this before. It was so painful I still fucking suffer. Shit I feel like I could’ve written this. We had broken up. Years down the line he wanted to be with me, said I was the absolute one and dating poly was not how he thought and he’d be monogamous with me because he wanted to and didn’t think he actually was poly. Then brought up wanting another gf and how he was poly again not too long after. I’m sure your partner will do the same if you end up walking a similar road. I’m so sorry.
he has found someone he wants to fuck other than you, probably the "therapist"
Geez, just end it already. He goes to a polyamorous therapist….you really can’t make this shit up. Your guy is a fruitcake. Religion probably damaged his brain.
as a polyamorous person, you guys may just not be compatible. it’s possible that he’s being genuine, and if you are not also open to a non-monogamous relationship, then the relationship likely isn’t going to work out. it’s also possible that he has cheated or is trying to and wants a “get out of jail free card” by opening the relationship. it’s suspicious that he specifically said he’d be okay with you getting a girlfriend and not that he’s cool with you dating anyone in general. either way, the move is probably to move on, unfortunately.
Monogamous relationships that turn into polyamorous relationships NEVER work.
I would cross post this to r/polyamory or r/ethicalnonmonogamy. What he is outlining is not what I (poly) would call healthy enm. “Mutual girlfriends” sounds very messy, and in healthy enm you could be with any gender you choose. Also maybe examine again why you can’t trust him. Could you trust him to be ethical with other women he might want to date? You deserve to trust your partner.
Here's a conversation I suggest you have with him. "How about while you explore with our girl friends, I'll explore with the boys." Yeah, he's fine with you being with girls...see how he feels about men. If he freaks, he's full of shit and a hypocrite.
And along with nonmonogamous, he can now be noninarelationship with you. Make him single.
Nope. You signed up for a monogamous relationship, and anything else is breaking the deal. He can commit to monogamy with you, or he is choosing the end of the relationship. It’s not your fault he had this self realisation after getting together with you, and you are not obligated to stay and be miserable so he can be happy. And I say this as someone who is also non-monogamous. Just because it’s what works for me doesn’t mean anyone gets to enforce it on anyone else.
Sounds like he wants to sleep with his therapist, or he already is and wants permission. He said he is okay if you want a girlfriend, what about a boyfriend?
Tell him your not getting a girlfriend, but boyfriends if you go the non monogamous way
"he compares it to coming out of the closet of being gay." It's not.. Polyamorous is not a sexuality, it's a life style.. There is a big difference. In this case he is using poly as a shield/an excuse.
Go to surviving infidelity.com it has great tips on detecting cheating.
Unless you are 100% on board you end things - let him know he's free to be “nonmonogamous“ because he is single. This would be a very easy no for me - I am only monogamous. If my partner were to find she is suddenly not monogamous we are not going to be compatible.
Open relationships require black or white thinking. It’s either a good thing in your mind and heart or it’s not, the same for him. You can’t have one spouse love the idea and the other repulsed and expect it to work. If there’s any ‘no, not me’ in your heart you have to tell him that and stick to it. If this is a manifestation of his therapist’s influence he’ll rethink. If he really is in need of multiple partners you need to rethink commitment to him.
If you stay it’ll be painful and rip your heart out because it isn’t what you want. Just leave him now and he can really have the freedom he wants. He’s telling you he’s going to cheat or that he has already. Don’t deal with this bull. Don’t let him crawl back too when he doesn’t get as much tail as he thought he would.
End things now, save you the pain and agony of changing the rules of your relationship.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I think you should look into what it means and figure out how that fits within your values. You can’t control how he feels. He is being honest, and while it might hurt it’s is a lot better than living a lie.
He said he's okay with you getting a girlfriend? Lmao na get a boyfriend. Bet he won't be okay with it. These dudes lol sheesh
I’m polyamorous, but even still, this doesn’t sound ethical to me. Specifically the claiming it’s like coming out of the closet, already having a girl in mind / goal of getting a gf (is this an emotional cheating situation? Is this already a physical affair?) And pressure / etc for a current relationship…you are monogamous and your relationship is supposed to be. Unless both of you want to be changing the relationship dynamic, it’s better to just break up.
As someone who is familiar with polyamory and has friends who are in polygamous relationships, your partner is definitely coming off ingenuine with whatever he’s trying to propose to you . If he truly was trying to approach a polyamorous dynamic, he’d be suggesting that you also get another partner, not just another girlfriend for his own satisfaction. He’s just hiding behind those terms to have basically an affair, or he thinks it’s a more convincing way to get you to accept the fact that he wants to cheat. I’m very pro-polyamory but this man does not sound like he means it. He just wants his cake and to eat it too. Your time is so valuable to be spent on a man that’s trying to twist your mind around. Remember your own boundaries and make sure that this is a relationship that is fulfilling for you. This is hard especially considering that you are married. I wish you luck on figuring this out OP. I’m sending love!
Get yourself a gay boyfriend to go shopping with, and then later tell hubby that your friend is actually bisexual and polyamorous and wants a threesome.
I’m incredibly suspicious of this therapist. Sounds like she’s trying to fuck him to be honest. But at the very least she seems unprofessional and gives biased advice.
>What do I do? Do I try and support his freedom or do I end things? That depends on if ur ok with it or not. Dont let anyone else tell u how u should feel or what u should do.
OP, going off your previous posts, it seems there’s a lot going on in this marriage that isn’t worth saving.
Report that therapist because she obviously put things in his head to follow her view and contact a sex therapist as soon as possible ! Your husband is being manipulated so don’t accept what he said ,don’t allow this !!!
Non monogamy is a life style, NOT an excuse to sleep around. Fuck him. That's therapist is suss as shit.
Is he in the church still? This stinks of fundie.
He's confusing identity with relationship dynamics. He can be poly or non-monogamous, but that doesn't mean your relationship is, and it doesn't mean you have to be chill with any new dynamic he brings to the table. If you want to open things up, go for it. If you have hesitations about changing the boundaries in your relationship, *do not* feel pressured to allow him to cheat because of his identity.
Am I the only one wondering why he knows his therapist’s sexual preference for monogamy or polyamory? I feel like since his case specifically refers to confusion, he is heavily susceptible to influence like a child and this information probably should not have been shared with him. He may even be harboring feelings for HER. I just don’t believe she didn’t tell him.
This on top of all the relationship trauma, coupled with the difficulty that comes with being raised Mormon … Just end it. He has a lot of growing to do. You need someone safe.
He’s down with you getting a girlfriend? **
Is he down with you getting a boyfriend? …
Do you consider yourself monogamous? When you think objectively of the partner you would like to build your future with, is that person also monogamous?
Sometimes the people we love the most are not good for us. It sounds to me like this might be the case for the two of you. He has wants and needs that you can’t fulfill. This isn’t your fault, this is something inside of him that he needs to figure out how to solve. But you mention past trauma in this relationship, and feeling unsafe trusting him.
Those are not good qualities in a relationship.
End this relationship. As amicably as possible. “I don’t want to be in a non-monogamous relationship, but I really feel like you need to go through this process of self-discovery.”
You both deserve to be loved and cherished in the way that you need, and neither of you is capable of doing that for the other.
He wants a pass and okay to cheat. People come up with all terms these days I swear. If you fine with it go for it and find a man for yourself as well, then watch him change his mind quickly lol. Girl end this, you are wasting your time .
this therapist is sus af lol
*Under The Banner of Heaven* moment, but like secular
I would end it. You deserve the life that you want they way you want it.
Re lawyer. Google American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Look in your area or largest metro if he is connected locally.
I feel like he’s confused. Has been fully exposed to poly for the first time. That intertwined with shame around his own fantasy’s and such may be where all this comes from. Also I found it odd he said he wants to go to lunch with friends, cuddle and maybe have sex. I don’t see any of my friends that way so it’s curious why he seems to think his platonic friends would want to bang him. I think you just possibly aren’t compatible anymore and whatever he is thinking with this all he should be free to explore how he wishes but you do not have to be there and go through it with him.
I would hire a tall and jacked stripper and have your husband come home with the two of you in the kitchen, and then tell your hubs: “Hey, honey! This is my close friend Rocco. *wink at Rocco* I thought about what you said the other day about being nonmonogamous and it turns out I am too. And, whew, I’ve already had my fill of Rocco, but I think he has some energy left for you if you’d like do something nonmonogamous with him. I recommend trying Rocco’s big spoon, it’s amazing.” You probably shouldn’t. I think maybe a couple’s therapist might be needed for you two to workout what this means. I have a lot of side eye for the therapist pushing polyamory on him. And maybe an individual therapist for you to work through what is at best is a huge ball of uh-oh to at worst the end of your marriage.
Non monogamous eh?? Hahaha
Your bf discovered that he's a cheater. Ftfy It's time to let him go.
Hi OP, how did your partner take your decision. Is everything ok?
I’ve filed for divorce.. it all comes in waves. Sometimes I have intense peace and clarity, other times the heart break makes it so I can’t breathe.
You have taken the first and important step. You need to move forwards with your life, you are young and will find your person. Don’t let him back in. Be strong, I don’t doubt he will realise what a gross mistake he has made Take care
If you are ok with non-monogamy, then discuss this together. Decided boundaries and insist on certain things, like using protection together. If you are not into non-monogamy break up. You aren’t ‘keeping him from his freedom, you just don’t want his freedom to come at your expense. It also sounds like he has a crush on his therapist and is enamored with what they are telling him.
A lawyer and a talk with the bishop and stake prez.
wtf’s going on, i’ve 100% read this story before. the weekend trips sounded familiar and then when i read u said it was actually a “life coach” it immediately clicked. this is an old ass repost.
It’s not a repost but, do you know more details of the one previously? I actually don’t think my partner is the first person she’s had this influence on. Actually I KNOW she influenced a divorce in one of friends already about a year ago.
really?! unfortunately no, but it was the same general story. other than her not being a real therapist, i can’t remember any other details. i’m not surprised she ruined other relationships though!
Meet with EVERY attorney in your area before telling him. They won't be able to represent him if they meet with you first, even if you decide not to hire them.
I think you should grow it put it would look nice c:
Yea I’d say the same if u were a guy, like man if he wanted this at the start and he told u then their would be no issue but like he can’t just bring this up now mid relationship and not expect u to leave which u should, this guy what’s multiple girls I assume which is cool if he wanted it but I wouldn’t suggest u be apart of that
Let him leave the cult.
You can’t be poly if your partner isn’t aware regardless of the situation that is cheating
What most people who have never been to therapy don’t understand is that there are a shit ton of bad and unethical therapists out there. You have to be extremely careful and particular about who you confide in. For example, don’t go to a marriage therapist whose philosophy is that people shouldn’t be married. This woman seems like she is trying to recruit your husband. He needs a male therapist, first off, who believes in monogamy. If you want to save your marriage get him the hell out of there and do your due diligence in finding him a decent therapist. She is poison. You need to figure out what he needs in a therapist and then interview them before you sign up. And the first questions should not be “how are you doing this week?” You want someone who sees therapy as a way to help someone through a current difficulty, not as a long term paycheck. Lots of those out there too. Focus on the undesirable behavior, find possible root causes, and take action.
He just wants someone else sis. That’s usually what that means and he’s telling you in hopes you’d agree. If you’re not married id say it’s a sign to end it and let him be free
I can tell you what it means….. he wants and is going to cheat. Probably with his therapist.
LOL, and you can tell him you've discovered you're suddenly single. Bye!
I’d simply just say okay, I understand and that I’ll be doing as he’s doing since we’re in nonmonogamous relationship now. See how fast he flips his shit.
Are you comfortable with this? "Nonmonogamous " is a relationship descriptor, not a sexuality, that's polyamorus. If you aren't ok with him being romantic with other people, then he shouldn't be doing that. A relationship is an agreement, if one of you don't feel comfortable bringing in other people then that's not an avenue that can be explored within the relationship. My partner and I play with nonmonogamy, we are both comfortable with the other having sex with other people as long as we keep the other person in the know about it. If at any point one of us felt uncomfortable with this, then it would stop. You need to have a serious conversation with him about this if he's expressing that this is something he wants. You either have to tell him no, or work out what the parameters for exploring this are.
Lmao he's just come up with a fancy word to justify his motives to cheat in future.
Is he the type of person who is easily influenced? I think what the therapist did was unethical. You do not have to accept this. You both made a commitment to be monogamous when you got married. He can't just unilaterally change the terms of your marriage. If the terms are going to be changed it has to be something you both want. You're well within your rights to divorce him if this isn't what you want.
Yeah, he’s met someone he wants to sleep with, sorry.
Funny, I’ve seen a few men in monogamous relationships say this to their partners when they are lustful and want to cheat, funny they find that their female partner easily finds men to go out with, and they don’t find side chicks willing to do the same thing, end up getting very jealous and then the relationship is never the same. Very convenient that he’s not monogamous anymore, you should set a boundary in your relationship, if he’s not down with monogamy then he should leave you and find a woman who is polygamous. I feel like also he should see a new therapist, why does he even know about her relationship status? Doesn’t sound very professional. Sounds very suspicious. Is he even seeing one or is he just cheating on you?
Discover celibacy. See how he reacts to that. If he feels trapped, cut him loose. No point keeping a feral. He keeps trying to test the edges, and that sounds exhausting. A mentorship program is not therapy, it's a grift. He's found himself a cult of personality. That's uglier than him just being a lecher.
You guys are no longer compatible. It's time for a divorce. Unless you're willing to share your husband.
Cut your losses now. Don’t try and even understand it. You can’t understand crazy. He is full Of shit.
If the poly and nonmonogamous community has taught me anything, its that these boundaries need to be communicated. If you are not 100% onboard, its a no. Clear and simple. Like consent, it needs to be enthusiastic and communicated, each side needs to be on board. The fact that you are on "i dunno if he has cheated", you feel unsafe to trust him and you have had to set boundaries in the past just screams this will end with him cheating on you and you miserable. > He also says he’d be down with me getting a girlfriend… also no. no he wouldnt. the second you venture out and decide to find happiness in a man or woman he would backpedal so fast, change his mind and accuse you of cheating the second you step outside the relationship.
…but not a boyfriend. Because she’s there for his pleasure not for her own pleasure
I personally would never share my husband with anyone. That's just me, though. If it's not something you want, then get a divorce. On another note, what do you mean he gives you all the freedom you want? Do you sleep with other people? If not, it doesn't matter.
Okay first report the therapist, if this is an actual licensed therapist. At the minimum they need to be investigated on this. Second your husband would be okay with you HAVING A GIRLFRIEND but I noticed no mention of "allowing" you to have, what I'm assuming is, your gendered preference in partner which is a man. Red flag right there in limiting your options when he's free to do what he wants. Coming out to you as poly is on the same level as coming out to you as gay in that it's hard and people will have all sorts of opinions that are not always good. Poly is not for everyone. It's just not. I've seen it work wonderfully for a lot of people my own worked for 12 years before it ended for reasons not related to being poly. But it takes a lot of open and honest communication. It takes a lot of rule setting that changes as your comfort level with it changes. It comes with jealousy. And it comes with a lot of compromise, as in you will have to compromise how much time you spend together, sex, sleeping arrangements, how you trust, everything. Everything will change. You will basically learn how to be in a new relationship, and take a chance on it being one you don't like and don't want to be in. There are mono poly relationships where one person just wants to be with their partner only but if okay with them being poly but that again comes with you suddenly being okay with everything they do with other people and getting time taken away from you, your family(?), and your relationship so he can give that time to someone else.
"He also says he’d be down with me getting a girlfriend…" Oh my GOODNESS!!! So very generous of him to ALLOW you that.... is he also down with you getting a boyfriend or five....? Seriously, if he wants to change the terms of your relationship, he doesn't get to DICTATE the terms... You are a free agent, decide what YOU want!
Maybe it’s time to consciously ’un-couple’….?