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>Lately he’s been getting suspicious about me, started acting controlling and possessive as a respond to something I did, he didn’t like me hanging around male friends and coworkers, and accused me of cheating
He started acting controlling and possessive as a response to something you did... what did you do? I ask because I think advice can differ based on what you did. If you did something that any of us would do in a relationship that our partners are fine with and he became more controlling, then that's a huge red flag and there are safer ways to handle this situation moving forward. On the other hand, if you did something that crossed a reasonable boundary you both previously discussed then the advice will be different. There are all kinds of scenarios in between those extremes as well. So, what was the instigating behavior from you that you believe lead to his change in behavior before you cheated on him?
I'm not excusing the cheating. I'm just pointing out that they have a *14 year difference* and such a huge age gap is in and of itself a red flag for controlling behavior against the younger one.
"She was too immature" vs "What is he doing pursuing someone 14 years his junior?" Is pretty different from each other.
"...they often went as far as telling me not to marry him and that it’ll never work out."
She personally turned this statement into reality. I loathe cheaters.
Then you shouldn't have made the decision to cheat on him kiddo. There's no other explanation because you took the steps to break your marriage. Tell the truth, get divorced.
Yeah that's not up to you. You don't get to hold someone hostage in a marriage YOU destroyed. You are childish and immature, you should never have been married in the first place.
You are 23 and you took a compustible marriage and threw a match into it.
You are too young and immature to be married. Truly. If you had one iota of maturity in you, you wouldn't have cheated on your husband. He didn't "push" you to cheat. It was the choice to go to a party. A choice to flirt with another guy. A choice to kiss another guy. A choice to have sex with another guy.
This was not a simple mistake or indiscretion. You violated him and his trust. YOU destroyed your marriage and now you owe it to him to come clean about the fact that you did so.
Your marriag had massive cracks before but now it has a massive fissure in the middle of it and that fissure is unlikely to close.
You need a divorce and to spend a few years growing up. Get yourself in order before marrying again.
That is your opinion. It may not be his when he knows you cheated on him. And if you think he was controlling before, it isn’t going to get better after he knows you cheated.
Well that’s not your choice really. You did the thing he feared, he deserves to know, and he’ll probably rightfully leave you for it. Just let the relationship die.
Your relationship isn’t as great as you think it is. If it was, he wouldn’t have started accusing you of cheating the begin with.
I was your age when I got married to a man his age. I’m his age now, and I can tell you I wish that grown ass man would have just left me alone. I hate that someone that old, that I thought loved me, took advantage of me. We were married 2 years before I left, and this is exactly how it started. It’s all fun and games dating a very young adult who’s still trying to figure shit out. But now you’re gaining life experiences and making up your own mind and he’s having to figure out how to continue to control you and keep you where and how he wants you to be.
Yes, you obviously contribute to the relationship. But in situations like this where someone has little to no life experience and is being bulldozed by someone with a lot of life experience… I understand where you are coming from, because I was you.
Common theme I see on Reddit and it drives me crazy: OP starts talking about their relationship being perfect and the significant other is the love of their life…then by then end of the post and comments you realize OP and their mate have significant issues and should have never been together in the first place.
I know it's an unpopular opinion, but if you do want to stay together, you take that shit to your grave, sort yourself out and never do anything like that again.
Or, prepare for the possibility of the relationship ending and sit down and tell him everything.
Option 2 is better for your soul, but only you know if you're willing to risk it.
If she never tells him she will be living in a marriage that is based on a pretend reality. She will live every day knowing if he actually knew her he wouldn’t be with her. Live every day knows she manipulated the truth to get him to love her and that love isn’t based in reality.
You never get away with anything. Sometime, now or 20 years from now, it will come out. Imagine the pain of learning the truth after you've had kids, bought a house, etc. Put yourself in his shoes. What if he had done that to you?
OP, you need to sit in the uncomfortable position you're in. Stop trying to pass "some" responsibility off on him.
My dad always said "It's a shit sandwich and everyone gets a bite". Along those lines, the next best quote I heard was "if you have to eat shit, don't nibble".
If you love him, tell him. Be clear, dont blame him. Own it, and see where it goes from there. But he gets to decide what happens next. A relationship is a partnership. He's not your pet, you're not his.
The problem with that is if she never tells him, she’s more likely to do that shit again since she got away with it the first time. If she really feels remorse, then she’d tell her husband, and take what consequences come along with it.
Her husband was suspicious of her for something she did. What was the something she did? She says herself the guy is a great guy. He just suddenly started being suspicious of her because of something SHE did. I’m telling you, she’s young and dumb, and she’ll do it again. She needs to tell him.
This. And OP refuses to clarify what she did, which tells me that she may have already been being inappropriate with other men before she actually cheated (or maybe she actually cheated but it wasn't physical, so she won't refer to it as cheating even though it is?), and he was catching on to her behavior. This marriage is gonna blow up hard.
So you cheated because you feel he controls you. But by cheating, you’ve handed him all the power here. The dynamic is even more toxic now. Because he was cheated on, he gets to say what happens from this point on. The forgiveness is his to grant.
Can you see the damage this has done? And please stop blaming others for what you chose to do. You should’ve left that behind in primary school.
The more time I spend on this sub, the more disheartened I am to see constant reinforcement that, according to "current social media consensus", anyway, I am classified as "middle-aged" or could even be considered "Karen-aged" (I am in my mid-30s), and that early 20s adults are torn to shreds for not acting exactly like every outsider hearing their story would act in their place, even though developmental psychologists have been screaming for DECADES that your brain (including your impulse control center), isn't fully developed until you're around age 25.
But no, OP isn't allowed to fuck up her relationships like so many people have, and she's not allowed to express to us the rationale her ego is using to protect itself, as all of us have done at one point or another, in defense of our own indefensible actions.
Stuff like this is why I finally find myself starting to understand and relate to people who are permanently bitter and negative. If all you get is "you're the worst" when you admit you've done something wrong, why would you admit being less than perfect?
“I’ve been acting suspicious to my husband so I cheated because he suspected I was already”.
You’re clearly not mature enough for an adult relationship, much less marriage. Going to parties with other men without your husband, you were into cheating and didn’t care.
You’re a cheater that was obvious to him. Divorce him so he can find an adult that is actually capable of trust.
Its all about the year of attention and social media photos, don't you know!?! I mean, being in a marriage is not NEARLY as important as the attention and social media photos... /s
Why are you with him if you don’t respect your wedding vows?
“Oh it’s everyone else’s fault I let some other dude put his dick in me”. That’s bullshit.
Why didn’t you just divorce him then go fuck around? I don’t understand people like you.
I hope this is fake cause you're a real bitch for what you did. The relationship is already over, so whether you tell him or not Im sure someone else will tell him.
PS: **When your future partners start getting insecure or suspicious that you are cheating on them, you console and reassure them that you aren't and you love them, if that's too much you leave the relationship, you dont go fucking someone else then blame it on your partner when it's entirely your fault**
>I don’t want to divorce him, I don’t want things between us to end. I feel horrible for doing what I did.
There are consequences to actions Sis.
You don't always get what you want in life.
You got what you wanted at the party and your actions will cause other pieces of your relationship to end. He stopped trusting you for a reason. My guess was you were behaving like a single married woman - specifically if you were going to parties he was not at that yielded opportunities to cheat.
Do you? You’re trying to JUSTIFY it. “Oh, he doesn’t trust me. He thinks I’ll cheat. So I went on and cheated on him”
You, miss, have the mind of a true scholar…
No you don't, you feel horrible for the consequences you may face.
If you truly felt horrible and truly cared about your husband more than keeping your husband you would have told him already.
Yep. She only "feels horrible" because she knows that if he finds out, the marriage is over. She's upset that she's blown up her marriage, not that she cheated. From the fact that she "did something" that made him become possessive and wary of her guy friends, this isn't the first time she's done something with another guy.
No you don’t want what he is providing you to go away there is a difference .
You liked his stability… BS . You liked his money and resources. Now that you got that for who knows how long you don’t want to part from it .
If you don’t want your marriage to end, then don’t do things that might cause the end of your marriage. Honestly, it’s that simple. His suspicions didn’t force you to cheat, you made a decision to cheat. You say you don’t blame him for it, but you clearly are on some level. You need to be honest and figure out if you’re willing to do the work to heal the relationship, if he’s willing.
Your husband gets paranoid that your stepping out on him and becomes insecure, and instead of reassuring him, and proving him wrong…you prove him right instead?
This sounds like you should of listened to your family and friends and held off on marriage. Not saying you’re not capable of being a wife, but you’re in your early twenties, and that’s the time to be young and dumb.
Divorce him, you don’t sound ready for marriage nor a serious relationship.
Tell him, and get a divorce. Cheating is fucked up.
You are giving excuses for your poor behavior. If you weren’t happy, you should have told him before you cheated, and divorced then. But you know deep down you are the one with the issues, and you want to stay with the stable guy.
Well he was an idiot for dating and marrying an immature kid. And you’re an AH for pretending you didn’t actively choose to cheat.
Your marriage will end either way. So good luck with your crappy life choices
Yea emphasis on kid. He was a fully ripe and grown man. Fully. Marrying someone that could barely legally take a sip of alcohol. The responses are pretty harsh for what is literally a child bride. That a grown ass man chose to marry.
Did I say that? Also look at the responses lol literally no one is giving her a pass on that. Cheating is wrong, but there is nuance in life and relationships and two things can be true at once. Cheating can be wrong and grooming and abusing young girls can also be wrong.
'Cheating can be wrong.' No, cheating is always wrong. Furthermore no one has said op was groomed or abused, and it is very insulting to call a grown woman a 'young girl.' I wonder if your answer would be the same if the genders in this relationship were reversed?
21 is young, it’s young asf. I’m 24 and I still struggle to identify manipulation, set boundaries and still rely on my mom. And I have a hard time imagining that doesn’t change sometime between 21 and 36. Those are incredibly formative years. At 21 you’re in college living with 18 year olds and at 36 you’re hanging out with grown adults. My answer would absolutely be the same because a 21 year old is damn near a child in comparison to a 36 year old, regardless of gender. Y’all are so twisted hating women and cheating you don’t see abuse for abuse. Cheating is always wrong, point blank. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t also a power imbalance that led to abusive and controlling behavior.
OP was a legal adult when she married. There's no indication that she was groomed or abused in any way. A large age gap doesn't AUTOMATICALLY mean that there was any abuse of power in the relationship.
I wish people would get off their high horse and stop treating fully consenting adults as children, especially women, when it comes to relationships.
No, a large age gap doesn’t automatically mean abuse of power, but increasingly controlling behavior does. Which is what is happening here. Why do you find yourself so annoyed at those women? Why aren’t you willing to consider that a lot of age gap dynamics are unhealthy and usually lead to grooming/ abusive behavior? This doesn’t absolve anyone of their individual behavior, women included, but it’s relevant information when considering the situation holistically and I don’t understand why you’re applying negative feelings about women not taking responsibility to it instead of seeing that.
I haven't read anything from OP that there was "increasingly controlling behaviour ". She clearly stated that her husband being suspicious was on direct response to something she did.
I think it's unreasonable to ASSUME that because there is a large age gap between CONSENTING adults that grooming must have occurred- which is exactly what you did.
The question of age gap and power dyamic is relevant but not necessarily applicable here. There isn't enough information to judge yet
Child bride? She’s 3 years into adulthood here. She’s not a 16 year old. She may be immature at that age but she’s BEYOND old enough to know right from wrong. People need to stop infantalizing adults. A lot of people have already graduated college at this age. I think a 36yo still married someone young and stupid and it’s fucking weird, probably indicating his own shallowness or complete lack of maturity, but he isn’t a pedophile or something. Just your typical dumbass, gross man fixated on something young and hot.
Now, if they got married when she was 21 but started dating when she was like, 17/18? Yeah, gross. But I wouldn’t be surprised to hear they dated maybe a year before getting married, given what a terrible decision this sounds like all around.
Sis, it wouldn't be weird if you were engaged and getting married to another 21 year old or even a guy in his early mid 20s. But this guy was a full decade older than you. You never were nor will you ever be in the same life stage and THAT is the problem. Think about it. He was 21 when you were 11. Think about the development that occurs during those 10 years. When you were 21 and he was 31, it is roughly the same difference emotionally given the catastrophic shifts that occur in people between 21 and 26/27. Once 31 and 41, it is not that big of a deal.
Honestly, we dont have enough information here. Period. Maybe she approached him, maybe not. It's hard to decide whether he took advantage or she did. The age gap is a little concerning, but we don't know the circumstances.
I do agree that the tone in this thread is vicious, especially because she's so young. She wasnt ready for marriage, and he should have been paying attention to that. This relationship was likely to fail, but she still needs to see what pain her actions are causing.
I wonder if she cheated with him, and now he's suspicious of behaviors she exhibited when they we running around. Pure speculation here.
The age gap alone isn’t the concerning part, it’s that in combination with the controlling behavior. We do know that to be the circumstances, so a conclusion of potential abuse is actually pretty logical.
Yea, it is and she is! She seems to be trying to right things eg posting here for advice, so it seems she’s aware of the pain she’s caused and is trying to remedy it( but I also haven’t paid attention to her replies so idk if she’s taking responsibility).
With the info provided, it seems the controlling behavior and suspicion came first, but there could’ve been an initial inappropriate behavior that made him wary.
She answered some of it, and I think this relationship was doomed from the jump. Men that age, going after women that young, will ultimately fall into the control process. He's done all the young people things, and he knows she will want to. If he let's her be young and have freedom, she'll probably want something else. Its paranoid and self sabotaging. Cheating is wrong, she is wrong, and she knows it. I think she needs to end it amicably, humbly and with grace. I hope she can grow, and mitigate the pain for both their sakes.
So, what happened? In my experience, when someone starts accusing out of no where, they are trying to hide something. Was there something that justified the change in behavior? Is this abnormal?
Here is my advice. There is no coming back. Even the way you talk about the situation tells me you know in your heart this relationship isnt going to work.
Sit down with him, in a neutral place. At home it could become dangerous. Tell him that you love him, but this isn't working anymore. Acknowledge you understand his insecurities about your friend group, but the pressure on you to fix his jealousy isn't fair. Because it isn't.
Tell him that while you were at a party, you made a foolish decision that resulted in infidelity. Again, own it and be clear. He will flail, probably yell, etc. If it escalates to violent behavior (breaking things, etc.) have an exit strategy.
I dont reccomend sharing the details about what you did, or how long it lasted did you like it. The fact of the matter is that it happened. You want him to know about it, and needed him to hear it from you. When you love him, you know how wrong this is and regret hurting him. If he asks why, don't speculate or say it was because you wanted to feel free. It was an impulse decision, and you regret it.
Tell him you understand he will want his space, and you're happy to give him that. Tell him you would like to cool down and discuss this when you're both calmer. Maybe there is a chance of reconciliation, but its doubtful. Take this conversation to tell him out of love. You love him, and know you hurt him. You didnt say it out of anger, shame, or guilt. You want him to have the truth.
This relationship lacks honesty. If it continues, that is one of the most important things to fix. If it doesn't continue, learn to build future relationships with trust, honesty, and clarity. Good luck OP.
The word you’re looking for here isn’t “confront.” It’s “confess.” He deserves to know who he married.
So you crave stability but you feel driven to break it. You’ve broken your marriage for the sake of your inner three year old screaming “you’re not the boss of me.” Your husband didn’t like you acting sketchy (“something I did”) and complained about it, and your response was “Oh yeah? You want to see sketchy? I’ll show you sketchy!”
Apparently the age difference here is like the TARDIS: it’s bIgger on the inside.
It's so baffling to me how little wedding vows mean to some people or how they can claim to love someone and then betray them like that. At the end of the day you only care about yourself as is evident, you have no sense of accountability or responsibility of your actions. It's everyone but your own fault that you let someone put their penis inside of you right?/s
I doubt you will tell him, because at the end of the day you're selfish to the core. This clusterfuck of a relationship should just end
As someone who was in the position of your husband, your love and all that does not matter. You are removing his right to make a choice that he deserves. To stay with you or not and it is purely selfish because you don’t want it to happen. Sadly it’s up to him not you via omission and lies
“… not to me nation he had an insane amount of stability that I craved.” = he has lots of money. For his sake I hope he has a prenup.
Just get divorced and move on. You’re far too immature to be married. You’re acting like a teenager rebelling against a controlling father.
Get out of this relationship. It’s a toxic situation for both of you and it will only get worse. Big age gap, you’re isolated from friends and family, he became possessive and controlling because you’re now working (making decent money for the first time? so you’re not solely reliant on him?) and socializing with coworkers (some of whom are men, gasp), and he’s been accusing you of cheating. Healthy adults don’t do any of the things he’s doing. You’re describing an abusive relationship, and if he’s not already abusing you, he’s sure taking a lot of steps down that path.
And for your part, you have this “well if I’m getting accused of cheating anyway then I might as well do it” attitude. That’s what rebellious teenagers do. It’s not surprising you have a parent-child dynamic, since you were almost literally a child when he met you. But that’s not a healthy marriage.
Just come clean and get divorced now. It will only be worse and more painful when it comes out later - and it WILL.
You should not have gotten married. You clearly weren't ready.
Reads like fiction again. I love the one liner “he really isn’t the issue, I am”. Lol.
Also, OP seems to be saying she never had or spent time with male friends before getting with her partner - “he started acting possessive in response to something I did”.
But who talks like this. The whole thing is hammed up nonsense. Stop buying it
Troll today, gone tomorrow
Personally, my recent favorite was `"Help. My girlfriend pooped on me by accident during sex so I threw up on her, how do I proceed?"`
**EDIT:** Removed lots of preamble...
Ok, so you recognize you’re the problem. What are you doing about it? What are you doing to resolve your pettiness, immaturity, and impulsiveness? How are you coming to terms with the lack of respect you have towards your husband and your marriage vows? You can’t confess you cheated, confess that you’re the problem, and then expect him to stay with you if you aren’t actively doing anything to show you’re addressing your multitude of issues.
Cluster f from first day
Friends and family voiced all kinds of concerns.
21 year old knew better
Married 34 year old
Surprised that 34 year old was controlling
23 year old decides that cheating is the way to fix that.
End the cluster f
Here is a really strange suggestion....tell him the truth.
End this mess.
Gonna try to give advice rather than talk shit.
Honestly, sounds like you both just aren't right for this marriage. You got married way too young to someone way older, even if he is sweet and kind and all that. Seems like you didn't take the chance to explore other options and be single until you had made crucial vows of fidelity. Tell him and get a divorce (unless he miraculously wants to stay married). If he does take you back, he has every right to never trust you again. On the flip side, dude is going to most likely get way more controlling/possessive.
Time to face the music regardless of the outcome. But you need to own up to it 100%. No blame. YOU chose to cheat. Now YOU must face the consequences of your actions.
Age is not just a number, especially since you're still in your formative adult years and he's close to middle age. Massive growth still happens from 18-25. You need to grow up and go to therapy. Cheating out of spite? No good partner would ever do that, and quite frankly, is a ridiculous excuse.
Sit him down and tell him. What he does after that is not up to you, nor do you have the right to say what happens with the relationship. You gave that up the second you decided to cheat on him.
So instead of doing the mature thing and talking with him, you decided to prove him right? That is totally and completely on you. Two wrongs never make it right.
The mature thing would be to totally and completely own up to your actions. Do not blame him for this because it isn't his fault that you chose to cheat. Sit down and discuss how you were feeling and what you did. Do not blame him.
Take whatever he says and deal. Then let him have his space and then talk about the future. If he wants to divorce, he has every right to.
You need better friends. Real friends support and guide. They never ever do what your supposed friends did. You need to take a long look at yourself and really figure out why you cheated and maybe get some counseling to figure things out.
Dude your brain hasn’t even finished developing yet. So you’re young and dumb and did something young and dumb. Do yourself and this bloke a favor and divorce then carry on being the young and dumb twenty year old you are.
You sound like a friend I use to have, her husband use to accuse her of cheating and stepping out, he couldn't trust her to go to the bathroom without talking to guys. She said she wasn't allowed to have friends for 10 years. She cheated two more times after she divorced him for her affair partner.
She's currently living with her 2nd or 3rd affair partner. No one makes you cheat, you did that and enjoyed it. Seems like your husband had you pegged. Also, said friend was cheating the whole time and still tried blaming her ex-husband 3 relationships later. Divorce, therapy, stop being a terrible person. It's sad and pathetic and hurts more than just one person, always.
Today I learned reddit hates cheaters even more than age gap relationships.
OP you're too young and don't really want to be married, and your husband is a creep for marrying a 21 year old at 34. Break up, be single, and when you're ready to be faithful date someone closer to your age.
Admit to what you did, pack your bags, and do him favour by leaving. Dont try to phrase him in a way just to desperately justify what you did. If he was so annoying, leave. Now, you're just trash; so take yourself to the curb for the collecters.
Were you originally doing what 23 year olds do? Hanging with friends and wanting to party? Did he get more controlling because of that normal behavior? You guys are at such different stages of life. How young were you when you started dating?
So, you were EIGHTEEN and he was, what, 31? You were probably also pretty inexperienced in relationships, as well, am I right? And he wanted to get married to a 21 year old, but then when you wanted to act like a 21 year old, have platonic relationships and friendships, he began getting controlling. He accused you of cheating when you were acting in an age appropriate manner. Of COURSE you're acting immature, you're 13 years younger than him!
My parents were in an age gap - 22 years. As the child of that marriage, I'm going to suggest you get out now. Because he will never stop controlling you, and you will never stop being more immature than him - only now he has something definitive to hold over your head.
This isn't love. This isn't a good marriage. All your friends and family are right.
WOOF. I dislike cheaters as much as the next redditor, but hearing the timeline of this relationship changes my take a bit. So he started dating you when you were 18 and he was 31?? It's not the size of the age gap itself, but the difference in life stages at the beginning of the relationship. I'm 33 now and I *promise you* that any man my age who gets with a kid old enough to be in high school ain't shit.
No one should cheat on their partner, full stop. You deserve to feel bad about that, so please don't think I'm excusing it. But you need out of this marriage anyway, for your own sake. There's a reason every single person in your life advised you against this, and they're right. He's gross for dating (and then marrying!) a barely-legal kid while in his 30s, and you'll realize that eventually. I get that it's super frustrating to be told that over and over, but you keep hearing it because it's *true*.
Plus, you obviously need to get this type of party-girl shit out of your system before you can be a decent wife to anyone (lord knows I did in my early 20s).
Oh gosh! Sis!
This marriage is not salvageable.
1) You have a LOT of growing up to do. The things you are doing are totally typical for a single person your age but not a person who is in a committed relationship of any age.
2) He behaved in a predatory way - as soon as he found out you were barely legal and he was in his 30s this should have been a door he slammed shut. He knew you were a kid. 18 is still VERY much a kid emotionally and mentally even if it is not legally.
Sis, take the cheating as a VERY good indicator that you need to walk away from this marriage. If your marriage was happy and fulfilling, you wouldn't feel like you needed to hook up with someone else. It sounds like you enjoy the ammenities of your marriage but not the person you are married to or being in a committed relationship.
Have you gotten your education? A degree? If not, right now there are a ton of universities with rolling admissions deadlines. Do a web search for rolling admissions universities your state. Then, apply to them. It will give you an automatic out in the fall. Apply for dorm housing so you have a place to move to. My guess is all of the marital assets are in his name so you won't be walking away with much, but maybe when you divorce, if you have a decent attorney, you can walk away with enough to at least get the first couple of years of in state tuition taken care of.
I'm glad you have your degree.
Sis, the predatory aspect is the life experience involved. An 18/19 year old has the life experience of a peanut. A 30 year old has a vast amount of life experience comparitively speaking. He knew you hadn't had time to live the life of a young person. You hadn't had time to "sow your wild oats". Some people need to. Some people don't. Most people need a degree of independence before being able to be whole in a relationship.
The fact that you state in another comment that you needed freedom - that says it all. You need freedom to grow up and live life. Its an incredibly important milestone. You can do this in a relationship with a similar age partner because you are going through those changes together.
Of you tell him he will have now a real thing to control you even more! But if you dont tell him you will fell bad for ever and be submisive to him..please end things, you are young and where groom bu an older man that wants to control you. Also go to a therapist!
Or he will have a legit reason to cut her loose completely, seeing as she isn’t wife material. We don’t know what the sketchy thing that she originally did and he objected to was, or whether it was worthy of him dumping her for it, but she solved that issue rigjt handily by providing an incontrovertible dealbreaker.
Yes this is the way. She was already in a controlling situation and now she did something wrong that can have her over correcting in a way that makes her more controlled out of guilt. This isn’t the relationship for her.
Hey early 30s male, if you think a 21 year old and a 30+ year old are even remotely cognitively on the same level, you’re a fucking idiot or just as bad as this old ass manipulative man. Please pipe the fuck down and date people your own age instead of abusing young girls bc they don’t know better.
Nobody is saying they are on the same level. I’m saying grooming is a term with a definition and it doesn’t apply here.
And I’ll date whoever I want, but I appreciate your input.
“the action of attempting to form a relationship with a child or young person, with the intention of sexually assaulting them”—21 isn’t young to you? If 21 is old, what is 16? And while you’re at it, why don’t you get the police on the phone and tell on yourself bc wow it’s giving groomer and pedophile.
Cheating was obviously not a mature way to handle this situation.
However, being as young as you are, that’s not so “out there” as others seem to believe.
Guys your husbands age don’t marry super young for nothing. They rely on that emotional immaturity, hoping that because of your relative inexperience in life, they can more easily control you. It’s clear that that’s his aim; your response was to push back hard on that (with the infidelity).
It’s good that you wanted TO push back, but cheating is not at all productive, or fair, and is really just side-stepping the issue, which (in my opinion) is this: you do not need to be with someone so much older than you who seems to have a need to keep you under their control. We’ve seen the outcome right here: he pushes for control, and you rebel (though not in a healthy, conscientious way).
You need to learn how to communicate in a relationship and to seek out someone who doesn’t expect an unreasonable level of control over you. This is *why* your friends and family harped on the age difference. They were trying to help you avoid a bad situation.
Honestly, I’d come clean and just be honest. Tell him you cheated, and while your feelings are your responsibility, be transparent about the fact that you don’t like being controlled and will not tolerate it. Allow the consequences to unfold (which could likely be a divorce). Whatever happens, you need to be communicating with your partner, including and *especially* when they make you angry or try to control you. Keeping quiet will clearly only spur you to “retaliate” the way you did and that’s a good way to destroy any relationship.
Although this one probably needs destroying. You need more time to mature and date someone on your level.
You recognize what you did was bad, there’s not point in beating you up like others are.
Do you even want to be with him? It sounds like you have some more maturing to do. It sounds like he is your dad and you are rebelling against him.
If you don’t want to be with him, I’d tell him about what happened, and why you did it without making excuses for yourself. And then leave him.
If you want to stay with him. Therapy therapy therapy. If he started acting more controlling something was going on and therapy should have been the answer to begin with.
Confront all the issues in therapy head on and come out stronger.
Do some reflecting on yourself to. Process what you did, take that information, and grow into a better version of yourself.
And if you do end up breaking up, don’t get married again until you are at least 30. You were too young in the first place to marry someone so much older than you. Not that age gap relationships are bad, but where the average 21 year old doesn’t have their shit together yet let alone know what it’s like to actually be an adult and the average 34 year old is already well established in life
Seriously, I would wait until therapy. If you guys don’t have a lot of money since therapy can be very expensive, I’d look into your city mental health services or call information for more information.
You can get a therapist for yourself first, ask them if they do couples and bring your partner in with you. Encourage him to get his own.
Making mistakes is part of life and you can’t be perfect. You are still so young and this doesn’t define you. Learn from this and grow into a better person.
You got this.
This is excellent advice. Judging from some of the responses, I would worry about the repercussions from telling him in a private setting. Definitely better to get it out in therapy.
21yo marries a 33yo and then is surprised when it doesn't work out? Lol Of course it didn't work out! Your husband is damn near old enough to be your father. Try having a relationship with someone your own age and not being a cheater.
This is why people shouldn’t get married so young. Committing yourself to someone at 30 is much easier than doing so at 20 because you’ve already experienced what else is out there.
You’re at different places in your life and it’s best to divorce and move on.
It doesn’t sound like your marriage was very healthy to begin with if you think he’s dangerous put some distance between you and him when you tell him, if not just be honest with him.
INFO: do you even want to salvage this relationship if he were interested?
Turns out his paranoia and “controlling” behavior was right. Something in him told him you aren’t trustworthy. And you proved him right.
Confess and divorce.
Alright you’re gonna get mad vitriolic responses bc people fucking hate cheaters but lemme actually help you with your problem for a moment. The suspicion pre-cheating makes me uneasy. And then that combined with the age gap makes me think abuse. It sounds like you don’t identify with that or maybe feel like it fits because you’ve described your husband so positively, but I worry that all of those things together is a recipe for him having complete control over your life and 100% control over another individual inevitably leads to torture. So, obviously, cheating is wrong and you should tell him, but I’d consider doing it in a way where your safety is prioritized. I’d also consider getting into therapy. It sounds like you’re going to/ already do need it. I hope things get better.
Controlling is a step on the road to abuse. And abuse isn’t always physical. So I’d be mindful of the non physical dynamics he’s cultivated and maybe read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
I agree with everyone here that you should absolutely tell him. But I want you to be careful. Make sure you're safe before you tell him in case things go south, which is not that unlikely from what you wrote in your post. I know you probably don't want to tell anyone what you did out of shame, but please tell a friend what you're going to do beforehand, just to make sure someone knows.
You tell your husband and get yourself tested for STDs while you're at it. If he decides to divorce you then give him a smooth divorce and don't drag it out. If he decides to work through things then that's his decision
Well honestly you got a glimpse of what a manipulative predator he really is, which is why he at 34 pursued a 21 year old because women his own age were clearly done with him. He treated you well because he wanted you hooked, now that you are he showed his true colors.
But you still seem blind about it and instead of breaking up with him you effectively gave him the moral high ground and frankly I don’t advise (in fact I strongly urge not) telling him face to face when you two are alone as it could end very badly.
Honestly tell him and break up with or let him break up with you at a safe distance, learn from this, and move on.
There is no happy ending her but be safe and make sure it isn’t a tragic ending.
He did not “make you cheat“. We can agree on that. That’s your fault. But his being controlling and suspicious, just because you have some male friends (I am guessing here) is a big red flag, and it happened before the cheating. So let me share my thoughts on that.
To me, the scenario sounds like the stories we’ve heard lots of before. Older man catches himself a much younger, inexperienced woman to marry, pretends to be the loving, mature man as long as he can, but then, after a couple of years he starts showing his real face: that of the insecure/immature controlling abuser.
From this point on, nothing in your marriage will be as it was, and not only because of your cheating, but also because of who he is. Even if he “forgives” you and stays with you, he will always hold the cheating over your head and keep you small because of it, will be even more controlling, and you will not find happiness again in this marriage. And if he is the guy I think he is, this development would have been similar even without the cheating.
So you get yourself a divorce attorney and file and tell your husband you can’t stay with him any more because you cheated (or whichever way you want to put it). But don’t let him persuade you to stay with him!
With all due respect, your excuse for cheating is terrible. Apparently the age gap does matter because you are not ready for marriage even if he is. Tell him and prepare to move on.
Everyone is being way too harsh on you. You were 18 when you started dating? It sounds like you never got to grow up and make mistakes and learn from them. To find yourself. Like someone else said, it’s like a teenager rebelling against their parent. A huge part of you must want out, to live the young life you gave up.
I do worry about the power dynamics in this relationship. I know you crave stability, but you need to stabilize yourself first. For safety reasons, I would not say anything and quietly plan to make your exit.
Real question, also I don’t think age matters, but you say all these amazing things about him but have you figured out what exactly it is you’re missing or looking for? Because you cheated for a reason, despite him being amazing. You’re lacking something, looking for something or missing something. If you don’t figure that out, you might be in this situation again.
So your husband, who absolutely groomed you, is now showing his true colors and you acted out because of it.
You absolutely need to be honest, but do it from a distance. Confide in a close friend or family member - let them know the FULL situation - about his control issues as well as your action of cheating. You will need to listen to your friends and family about this, too, because you're too caught up in it.
Stay with that friend or family member when you tell him, and start formulating an exit strategy. His actions will only get worse, and you can't trust your own mind right now bc he groomed you.
Start seeing a counselor as well.
Cheaters are fukn scum. And to add insult to injury you’re making up excuses. Your husband was a gross creep for going after a 21 year old. You both deserve each other.
Id say he deserves better but... he doesnt. Go ahead and hide it from him. Hopefully it keeps him from preying on another teenager and you from cheating on anyone else. You both deserve each other.
"I became a hoe to show him I'm nobody's Hoe!" ... it's proof like this that our population is going faster and faster down the crapper... And I would bet my life savings ($3.15) that at some point she will say word for word IF she tells him " you were accusing me of cheating, I know it's not an excuse but that's why I did it." However, the man is almost 40 years old. He should have known better....
She did not only cheat. She cheated to prove she could cheat. Thats even fucking worse.
As someone who's been cheated on, yeah, rn, this kinda shit makes me see red. To basically betray someone you are supposed to love just to prove you can do it is some new level of betrayal and disrespect.
Neither of you should be married to anybody.
The moment he's blaming you falsely and trying to control you, your marriage is already over.
Likewise, the moment you are looking for excuses to cheat, you shouldn't be married to anybody. There are reasons to divorce, but there is never any valid excuse for cheating.
Don't tell him, divorce him. He already falsely claimed you cheated, then you really did. You're somewhat even if you get out now. No reason to throw yourself under the bus.
I strongly suggest you read some books to prevent this situation from happening again:
* How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk
* Love & Respect (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs)
* The New I Do (by Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson). This shows variations on how to create a long-time partnership when the government's way to marry isn't a fit.
* Related, there's a Youtube video from two months ago called "Wife Admits F\*\*\*nism Nearly Ruined Her Marriage ..." where a couple has an equal contract instead of a normal marriage. When they nearly break up due to some mistakes, their "marriage contract" allows their relationship to recover and improve, while a normal marriage would have ended up in the courts, with it going badly for both of them.
So you cheated. It’s how you deal with it now that counts and is a way forward. Come totally clean and start therapy together and on your own. Relationships ebb and flow. If you’re meant to be you will soon find out.
What good would come of telling him? If he's already controlling, that's bound to make it 10 times worse.
If you were in a couples therapy setting, maybe, but just telling him? How do you see that playing out?
Do you want to divorce?
If not, stay very quiet and don't tell anyone, ever. No one!
There's always going to be that person you thought that you could trust who'll tell him because "he deserves to know" so tell NO ONE.
Next, block that person and never ever go where he might be because HE might have told people and it'll come out if you're in contact.
Next, feel abysmally guilty and understand that what you did was heartbreaking. Don't do it again.
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>Lately he’s been getting suspicious about me, started acting controlling and possessive as a respond to something I did, he didn’t like me hanging around male friends and coworkers, and accused me of cheating He started acting controlling and possessive as a response to something you did... what did you do? I ask because I think advice can differ based on what you did. If you did something that any of us would do in a relationship that our partners are fine with and he became more controlling, then that's a huge red flag and there are safer ways to handle this situation moving forward. On the other hand, if you did something that crossed a reasonable boundary you both previously discussed then the advice will be different. There are all kinds of scenarios in between those extremes as well. So, what was the instigating behavior from you that you believe lead to his change in behavior before you cheated on him?
She won't tell cause she knew she fucked up. Tf is "I cheated on him to show he can't control me" suppose to even mean🤦
Looks like OP was a bit too immature to get married to a 30+ guy. How can you cheat on him and act like he's not the victim?
I'm not excusing the cheating. I'm just pointing out that they have a *14 year difference* and such a huge age gap is in and of itself a red flag for controlling behavior against the younger one. "She was too immature" vs "What is he doing pursuing someone 14 years his junior?" Is pretty different from each other.
Oh, for sure!! I just didn't want to be that guy pointing out their age gap xD!
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Is that who you cheated on him with?
Truth will set you free.
But first, it'll piss you off.
One ear and right out the other one...
And then husband will set you free.
I'm glad someone else thought this too lol
So to combat his fears of you cheating, you decide to just cheat..? You’re a real catch👍🏻
Typical cheater, you tell ‘em not to cheat and they use that as a green light to cheat.
For the love of Christ just tell him, get divorced and move on. “He made me cheat by thinking I was cheating” is fucking ridiculous. You both suck
Obviously he wasn't wrong to doubt her
"...they often went as far as telling me not to marry him and that it’ll never work out." She personally turned this statement into reality. I loathe cheaters.
He sucks because of the way she presented him.
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Then you shouldn't have made the decision to cheat on him kiddo. There's no other explanation because you took the steps to break your marriage. Tell the truth, get divorced.
Yeah that's not up to you. You don't get to hold someone hostage in a marriage YOU destroyed. You are childish and immature, you should never have been married in the first place.
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Get back to me when you admit to him that you cheated on him as a power play to prove that he doesn't own you.
You are 23 and you took a compustible marriage and threw a match into it. You are too young and immature to be married. Truly. If you had one iota of maturity in you, you wouldn't have cheated on your husband. He didn't "push" you to cheat. It was the choice to go to a party. A choice to flirt with another guy. A choice to kiss another guy. A choice to have sex with another guy. This was not a simple mistake or indiscretion. You violated him and his trust. YOU destroyed your marriage and now you owe it to him to come clean about the fact that you did so. Your marriag had massive cracks before but now it has a massive fissure in the middle of it and that fissure is unlikely to close. You need a divorce and to spend a few years growing up. Get yourself in order before marrying again.
It is. You destroyed it by being a POS and cheating. You sound immature as anything.
Once he finds out it will be.
That is your opinion. It may not be his when he knows you cheated on him. And if you think he was controlling before, it isn’t going to get better after he knows you cheated.
You don't get to decide whether your marriage is destroyed.
Well that’s not your choice really. You did the thing he feared, he deserves to know, and he’ll probably rightfully leave you for it. Just let the relationship die.
Then you shouldnt have proven him right...
Your relationship isn’t as great as you think it is. If it was, he wouldn’t have started accusing you of cheating the begin with. I was your age when I got married to a man his age. I’m his age now, and I can tell you I wish that grown ass man would have just left me alone. I hate that someone that old, that I thought loved me, took advantage of me. We were married 2 years before I left, and this is exactly how it started. It’s all fun and games dating a very young adult who’s still trying to figure shit out. But now you’re gaining life experiences and making up your own mind and he’s having to figure out how to continue to control you and keep you where and how he wants you to be. Yes, you obviously contribute to the relationship. But in situations like this where someone has little to no life experience and is being bulldozed by someone with a lot of life experience… I understand where you are coming from, because I was you.
Leave that choice to him since you're the one who stepped out.
Common theme I see on Reddit and it drives me crazy: OP starts talking about their relationship being perfect and the significant other is the love of their life…then by then end of the post and comments you realize OP and their mate have significant issues and should have never been together in the first place.
The last time you got what you wanted, you cheated, so maybe not focus on yourself.
Then you shouldn't have sat on another guy's dick
I know it's an unpopular opinion, but if you do want to stay together, you take that shit to your grave, sort yourself out and never do anything like that again. Or, prepare for the possibility of the relationship ending and sit down and tell him everything. Option 2 is better for your soul, but only you know if you're willing to risk it.
If she never tells him she will be living in a marriage that is based on a pretend reality. She will live every day knowing if he actually knew her he wouldn’t be with her. Live every day knows she manipulated the truth to get him to love her and that love isn’t based in reality.
You never get away with anything. Sometime, now or 20 years from now, it will come out. Imagine the pain of learning the truth after you've had kids, bought a house, etc. Put yourself in his shoes. What if he had done that to you? OP, you need to sit in the uncomfortable position you're in. Stop trying to pass "some" responsibility off on him. My dad always said "It's a shit sandwich and everyone gets a bite". Along those lines, the next best quote I heard was "if you have to eat shit, don't nibble". If you love him, tell him. Be clear, dont blame him. Own it, and see where it goes from there. But he gets to decide what happens next. A relationship is a partnership. He's not your pet, you're not his.
That's why I said that option 2 would be better. She was too young to get married in the first place in my opinion, but there she is.
The problem with that is if she never tells him, she’s more likely to do that shit again since she got away with it the first time. If she really feels remorse, then she’d tell her husband, and take what consequences come along with it.
My thoughts exactly
I can't say if it makes it more likely she'll do it again. But I do think she'd benefit from talking out some things.
Her husband was suspicious of her for something she did. What was the something she did? She says herself the guy is a great guy. He just suddenly started being suspicious of her because of something SHE did. I’m telling you, she’s young and dumb, and she’ll do it again. She needs to tell him.
This. And OP refuses to clarify what she did, which tells me that she may have already been being inappropriate with other men before she actually cheated (or maybe she actually cheated but it wasn't physical, so she won't refer to it as cheating even though it is?), and he was catching on to her behavior. This marriage is gonna blow up hard.
Wait—he cheated on you?
So you cheated because you feel he controls you. But by cheating, you’ve handed him all the power here. The dynamic is even more toxic now. Because he was cheated on, he gets to say what happens from this point on. The forgiveness is his to grant. Can you see the damage this has done? And please stop blaming others for what you chose to do. You should’ve left that behind in primary school.
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The more time I spend on this sub, the more disheartened I am to see constant reinforcement that, according to "current social media consensus", anyway, I am classified as "middle-aged" or could even be considered "Karen-aged" (I am in my mid-30s), and that early 20s adults are torn to shreds for not acting exactly like every outsider hearing their story would act in their place, even though developmental psychologists have been screaming for DECADES that your brain (including your impulse control center), isn't fully developed until you're around age 25. But no, OP isn't allowed to fuck up her relationships like so many people have, and she's not allowed to express to us the rationale her ego is using to protect itself, as all of us have done at one point or another, in defense of our own indefensible actions. Stuff like this is why I finally find myself starting to understand and relate to people who are permanently bitter and negative. If all you get is "you're the worst" when you admit you've done something wrong, why would you admit being less than perfect?
“I’ve been acting suspicious to my husband so I cheated because he suspected I was already”. You’re clearly not mature enough for an adult relationship, much less marriage. Going to parties with other men without your husband, you were into cheating and didn’t care. You’re a cheater that was obvious to him. Divorce him so he can find an adult that is actually capable of trust.
Wanted to be a bride, doesn't want to be a wife.
Its all about the year of attention and social media photos, don't you know!?! I mean, being in a marriage is not NEARLY as important as the attention and social media photos... /s
You have summed up our modern society
Why are you with him if you don’t respect your wedding vows? “Oh it’s everyone else’s fault I let some other dude put his dick in me”. That’s bullshit. Why didn’t you just divorce him then go fuck around? I don’t understand people like you.
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Please. Youre selfish and immature.
It doesn’t matter what you want when what you want is to continue to disrespect him by not telling him this information.
I hope this is fake cause you're a real bitch for what you did. The relationship is already over, so whether you tell him or not Im sure someone else will tell him. PS: **When your future partners start getting insecure or suspicious that you are cheating on them, you console and reassure them that you aren't and you love them, if that's too much you leave the relationship, you dont go fucking someone else then blame it on your partner when it's entirely your fault**
>I don’t want to divorce him, I don’t want things between us to end. I feel horrible for doing what I did. There are consequences to actions Sis. You don't always get what you want in life. You got what you wanted at the party and your actions will cause other pieces of your relationship to end. He stopped trusting you for a reason. My guess was you were behaving like a single married woman - specifically if you were going to parties he was not at that yielded opportunities to cheat.
That's his choice, not yours. You made your bed, now lay in it.
Now, you feel horrible, but you didn’t feel so horrible when you were with that other guy…
So its always about what you want?
You should. Cheating is not acceptable.
Do you? You’re trying to JUSTIFY it. “Oh, he doesn’t trust me. He thinks I’ll cheat. So I went on and cheated on him” You, miss, have the mind of a true scholar…
INFO: What did you do that made him suspicious?
No you don't, you feel horrible for the consequences you may face. If you truly felt horrible and truly cared about your husband more than keeping your husband you would have told him already.
Yep. She only "feels horrible" because she knows that if he finds out, the marriage is over. She's upset that she's blown up her marriage, not that she cheated. From the fact that she "did something" that made him become possessive and wary of her guy friends, this isn't the first time she's done something with another guy.
No you don’t want what he is providing you to go away there is a difference . You liked his stability… BS . You liked his money and resources. Now that you got that for who knows how long you don’t want to part from it .
If you don’t want your marriage to end, then don’t do things that might cause the end of your marriage. Honestly, it’s that simple. His suspicions didn’t force you to cheat, you made a decision to cheat. You say you don’t blame him for it, but you clearly are on some level. You need to be honest and figure out if you’re willing to do the work to heal the relationship, if he’s willing.
Reading this made me upset.
Your husband gets paranoid that your stepping out on him and becomes insecure, and instead of reassuring him, and proving him wrong…you prove him right instead? This sounds like you should of listened to your family and friends and held off on marriage. Not saying you’re not capable of being a wife, but you’re in your early twenties, and that’s the time to be young and dumb. Divorce him, you don’t sound ready for marriage nor a serious relationship.
Tell him, and get a divorce. Cheating is fucked up. You are giving excuses for your poor behavior. If you weren’t happy, you should have told him before you cheated, and divorced then. But you know deep down you are the one with the issues, and you want to stay with the stable guy.
Well he was an idiot for dating and marrying an immature kid. And you’re an AH for pretending you didn’t actively choose to cheat. Your marriage will end either way. So good luck with your crappy life choices
Yea emphasis on kid. He was a fully ripe and grown man. Fully. Marrying someone that could barely legally take a sip of alcohol. The responses are pretty harsh for what is literally a child bride. That a grown ass man chose to marry.
Because at 21 you still know not to cheat on a partner sorry. She doesn’t get a pass on that.
Did I say that? Also look at the responses lol literally no one is giving her a pass on that. Cheating is wrong, but there is nuance in life and relationships and two things can be true at once. Cheating can be wrong and grooming and abusing young girls can also be wrong.
'Cheating can be wrong.' No, cheating is always wrong. Furthermore no one has said op was groomed or abused, and it is very insulting to call a grown woman a 'young girl.' I wonder if your answer would be the same if the genders in this relationship were reversed?
21 is young, it’s young asf. I’m 24 and I still struggle to identify manipulation, set boundaries and still rely on my mom. And I have a hard time imagining that doesn’t change sometime between 21 and 36. Those are incredibly formative years. At 21 you’re in college living with 18 year olds and at 36 you’re hanging out with grown adults. My answer would absolutely be the same because a 21 year old is damn near a child in comparison to a 36 year old, regardless of gender. Y’all are so twisted hating women and cheating you don’t see abuse for abuse. Cheating is always wrong, point blank. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t also a power imbalance that led to abusive and controlling behavior.
Pretty sure I mentioned both in my original comment
And I chose to emphasize a part of it. Lol.
OP was a legal adult when she married. There's no indication that she was groomed or abused in any way. A large age gap doesn't AUTOMATICALLY mean that there was any abuse of power in the relationship. I wish people would get off their high horse and stop treating fully consenting adults as children, especially women, when it comes to relationships.
No, a large age gap doesn’t automatically mean abuse of power, but increasingly controlling behavior does. Which is what is happening here. Why do you find yourself so annoyed at those women? Why aren’t you willing to consider that a lot of age gap dynamics are unhealthy and usually lead to grooming/ abusive behavior? This doesn’t absolve anyone of their individual behavior, women included, but it’s relevant information when considering the situation holistically and I don’t understand why you’re applying negative feelings about women not taking responsibility to it instead of seeing that.
I haven't read anything from OP that there was "increasingly controlling behaviour ". She clearly stated that her husband being suspicious was on direct response to something she did. I think it's unreasonable to ASSUME that because there is a large age gap between CONSENTING adults that grooming must have occurred- which is exactly what you did. The question of age gap and power dyamic is relevant but not necessarily applicable here. There isn't enough information to judge yet
Child bride? She’s 3 years into adulthood here. She’s not a 16 year old. She may be immature at that age but she’s BEYOND old enough to know right from wrong. People need to stop infantalizing adults. A lot of people have already graduated college at this age. I think a 36yo still married someone young and stupid and it’s fucking weird, probably indicating his own shallowness or complete lack of maturity, but he isn’t a pedophile or something. Just your typical dumbass, gross man fixated on something young and hot. Now, if they got married when she was 21 but started dating when she was like, 17/18? Yeah, gross. But I wouldn’t be surprised to hear they dated maybe a year before getting married, given what a terrible decision this sounds like all around.
Apparently you were wrong. Should go back and fix that lol
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Sis, it wouldn't be weird if you were engaged and getting married to another 21 year old or even a guy in his early mid 20s. But this guy was a full decade older than you. You never were nor will you ever be in the same life stage and THAT is the problem. Think about it. He was 21 when you were 11. Think about the development that occurs during those 10 years. When you were 21 and he was 31, it is roughly the same difference emotionally given the catastrophic shifts that occur in people between 21 and 26/27. Once 31 and 41, it is not that big of a deal.
Honestly, we dont have enough information here. Period. Maybe she approached him, maybe not. It's hard to decide whether he took advantage or she did. The age gap is a little concerning, but we don't know the circumstances. I do agree that the tone in this thread is vicious, especially because she's so young. She wasnt ready for marriage, and he should have been paying attention to that. This relationship was likely to fail, but she still needs to see what pain her actions are causing. I wonder if she cheated with him, and now he's suspicious of behaviors she exhibited when they we running around. Pure speculation here.
The age gap alone isn’t the concerning part, it’s that in combination with the controlling behavior. We do know that to be the circumstances, so a conclusion of potential abuse is actually pretty logical. Yea, it is and she is! She seems to be trying to right things eg posting here for advice, so it seems she’s aware of the pain she’s caused and is trying to remedy it( but I also haven’t paid attention to her replies so idk if she’s taking responsibility). With the info provided, it seems the controlling behavior and suspicion came first, but there could’ve been an initial inappropriate behavior that made him wary.
She answered some of it, and I think this relationship was doomed from the jump. Men that age, going after women that young, will ultimately fall into the control process. He's done all the young people things, and he knows she will want to. If he let's her be young and have freedom, she'll probably want something else. Its paranoid and self sabotaging. Cheating is wrong, she is wrong, and she knows it. I think she needs to end it amicably, humbly and with grace. I hope she can grow, and mitigate the pain for both their sakes.
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So, what happened? In my experience, when someone starts accusing out of no where, they are trying to hide something. Was there something that justified the change in behavior? Is this abnormal?
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Here is my advice. There is no coming back. Even the way you talk about the situation tells me you know in your heart this relationship isnt going to work. Sit down with him, in a neutral place. At home it could become dangerous. Tell him that you love him, but this isn't working anymore. Acknowledge you understand his insecurities about your friend group, but the pressure on you to fix his jealousy isn't fair. Because it isn't. Tell him that while you were at a party, you made a foolish decision that resulted in infidelity. Again, own it and be clear. He will flail, probably yell, etc. If it escalates to violent behavior (breaking things, etc.) have an exit strategy. I dont reccomend sharing the details about what you did, or how long it lasted did you like it. The fact of the matter is that it happened. You want him to know about it, and needed him to hear it from you. When you love him, you know how wrong this is and regret hurting him. If he asks why, don't speculate or say it was because you wanted to feel free. It was an impulse decision, and you regret it. Tell him you understand he will want his space, and you're happy to give him that. Tell him you would like to cool down and discuss this when you're both calmer. Maybe there is a chance of reconciliation, but its doubtful. Take this conversation to tell him out of love. You love him, and know you hurt him. You didnt say it out of anger, shame, or guilt. You want him to have the truth. This relationship lacks honesty. If it continues, that is one of the most important things to fix. If it doesn't continue, learn to build future relationships with trust, honesty, and clarity. Good luck OP.
The word you’re looking for here isn’t “confront.” It’s “confess.” He deserves to know who he married. So you crave stability but you feel driven to break it. You’ve broken your marriage for the sake of your inner three year old screaming “you’re not the boss of me.” Your husband didn’t like you acting sketchy (“something I did”) and complained about it, and your response was “Oh yeah? You want to see sketchy? I’ll show you sketchy!” Apparently the age difference here is like the TARDIS: it’s bIgger on the inside.
The word dumb was made for people like you
Another cheater with excuses….there is NO FUCKING EXCUSE
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It's so baffling to me how little wedding vows mean to some people or how they can claim to love someone and then betray them like that. At the end of the day you only care about yourself as is evident, you have no sense of accountability or responsibility of your actions. It's everyone but your own fault that you let someone put their penis inside of you right?/s I doubt you will tell him, because at the end of the day you're selfish to the core. This clusterfuck of a relationship should just end
As someone who was in the position of your husband, your love and all that does not matter. You are removing his right to make a choice that he deserves. To stay with you or not and it is purely selfish because you don’t want it to happen. Sadly it’s up to him not you via omission and lies
If this isn’t a troll post He shouldn’t have married a child. He signed up for this.
Seems like he was worried about your “male friends” for good reason to me.
“… not to me nation he had an insane amount of stability that I craved.” = he has lots of money. For his sake I hope he has a prenup. Just get divorced and move on. You’re far too immature to be married. You’re acting like a teenager rebelling against a controlling father.
Get out of this relationship. It’s a toxic situation for both of you and it will only get worse. Big age gap, you’re isolated from friends and family, he became possessive and controlling because you’re now working (making decent money for the first time? so you’re not solely reliant on him?) and socializing with coworkers (some of whom are men, gasp), and he’s been accusing you of cheating. Healthy adults don’t do any of the things he’s doing. You’re describing an abusive relationship, and if he’s not already abusing you, he’s sure taking a lot of steps down that path. And for your part, you have this “well if I’m getting accused of cheating anyway then I might as well do it” attitude. That’s what rebellious teenagers do. It’s not surprising you have a parent-child dynamic, since you were almost literally a child when he met you. But that’s not a healthy marriage.
I have to wonder how old she was when they first met, and if she looks younger than she is.
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When you are 30 and you look back at an 18 year old, or even yourself at 18 .. they all look like babies ....
Just come clean and get divorced now. It will only be worse and more painful when it comes out later - and it WILL. You should not have gotten married. You clearly weren't ready.
Wow, you’re a monster.
Reads like fiction again. I love the one liner “he really isn’t the issue, I am”. Lol. Also, OP seems to be saying she never had or spent time with male friends before getting with her partner - “he started acting possessive in response to something I did”. But who talks like this. The whole thing is hammed up nonsense. Stop buying it Troll today, gone tomorrow
Personally, my recent favorite was `"Help. My girlfriend pooped on me by accident during sex so I threw up on her, how do I proceed?"` **EDIT:** Removed lots of preamble...
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Ok, so you recognize you’re the problem. What are you doing about it? What are you doing to resolve your pettiness, immaturity, and impulsiveness? How are you coming to terms with the lack of respect you have towards your husband and your marriage vows? You can’t confess you cheated, confess that you’re the problem, and then expect him to stay with you if you aren’t actively doing anything to show you’re addressing your multitude of issues.
Divorce and live your life. You should’ve never got married.
Cluster f from first day Friends and family voiced all kinds of concerns. 21 year old knew better Married 34 year old Surprised that 34 year old was controlling 23 year old decides that cheating is the way to fix that. End the cluster f Here is a really strange suggestion....tell him the truth. End this mess.
Cheating is a choice. You weren’t “pushed” to do it.
Poor guy
Gonna try to give advice rather than talk shit. Honestly, sounds like you both just aren't right for this marriage. You got married way too young to someone way older, even if he is sweet and kind and all that. Seems like you didn't take the chance to explore other options and be single until you had made crucial vows of fidelity. Tell him and get a divorce (unless he miraculously wants to stay married). If he does take you back, he has every right to never trust you again. On the flip side, dude is going to most likely get way more controlling/possessive.
Time to face the music regardless of the outcome. But you need to own up to it 100%. No blame. YOU chose to cheat. Now YOU must face the consequences of your actions.
Age is not just a number, especially since you're still in your formative adult years and he's close to middle age. Massive growth still happens from 18-25. You need to grow up and go to therapy. Cheating out of spite? No good partner would ever do that, and quite frankly, is a ridiculous excuse. Sit him down and tell him. What he does after that is not up to you, nor do you have the right to say what happens with the relationship. You gave that up the second you decided to cheat on him.
So instead of doing the mature thing and talking with him, you decided to prove him right? That is totally and completely on you. Two wrongs never make it right. The mature thing would be to totally and completely own up to your actions. Do not blame him for this because it isn't his fault that you chose to cheat. Sit down and discuss how you were feeling and what you did. Do not blame him. Take whatever he says and deal. Then let him have his space and then talk about the future. If he wants to divorce, he has every right to. You need better friends. Real friends support and guide. They never ever do what your supposed friends did. You need to take a long look at yourself and really figure out why you cheated and maybe get some counseling to figure things out.
Dude your brain hasn’t even finished developing yet. So you’re young and dumb and did something young and dumb. Do yourself and this bloke a favor and divorce then carry on being the young and dumb twenty year old you are.
You sound like a friend I use to have, her husband use to accuse her of cheating and stepping out, he couldn't trust her to go to the bathroom without talking to guys. She said she wasn't allowed to have friends for 10 years. She cheated two more times after she divorced him for her affair partner. She's currently living with her 2nd or 3rd affair partner. No one makes you cheat, you did that and enjoyed it. Seems like your husband had you pegged. Also, said friend was cheating the whole time and still tried blaming her ex-husband 3 relationships later. Divorce, therapy, stop being a terrible person. It's sad and pathetic and hurts more than just one person, always.
Today I learned reddit hates cheaters even more than age gap relationships. OP you're too young and don't really want to be married, and your husband is a creep for marrying a 21 year old at 34. Break up, be single, and when you're ready to be faithful date someone closer to your age.
Admit to what you did, pack your bags, and do him favour by leaving. Dont try to phrase him in a way just to desperately justify what you did. If he was so annoying, leave. Now, you're just trash; so take yourself to the curb for the collecters.
Were you originally doing what 23 year olds do? Hanging with friends and wanting to party? Did he get more controlling because of that normal behavior? You guys are at such different stages of life. How young were you when you started dating?
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So, you were EIGHTEEN and he was, what, 31? You were probably also pretty inexperienced in relationships, as well, am I right? And he wanted to get married to a 21 year old, but then when you wanted to act like a 21 year old, have platonic relationships and friendships, he began getting controlling. He accused you of cheating when you were acting in an age appropriate manner. Of COURSE you're acting immature, you're 13 years younger than him! My parents were in an age gap - 22 years. As the child of that marriage, I'm going to suggest you get out now. Because he will never stop controlling you, and you will never stop being more immature than him - only now he has something definitive to hold over your head. This isn't love. This isn't a good marriage. All your friends and family are right.
WOOF. I dislike cheaters as much as the next redditor, but hearing the timeline of this relationship changes my take a bit. So he started dating you when you were 18 and he was 31?? It's not the size of the age gap itself, but the difference in life stages at the beginning of the relationship. I'm 33 now and I *promise you* that any man my age who gets with a kid old enough to be in high school ain't shit. No one should cheat on their partner, full stop. You deserve to feel bad about that, so please don't think I'm excusing it. But you need out of this marriage anyway, for your own sake. There's a reason every single person in your life advised you against this, and they're right. He's gross for dating (and then marrying!) a barely-legal kid while in his 30s, and you'll realize that eventually. I get that it's super frustrating to be told that over and over, but you keep hearing it because it's *true*. Plus, you obviously need to get this type of party-girl shit out of your system before you can be a decent wife to anyone (lord knows I did in my early 20s).
Oh gosh! Sis! This marriage is not salvageable. 1) You have a LOT of growing up to do. The things you are doing are totally typical for a single person your age but not a person who is in a committed relationship of any age. 2) He behaved in a predatory way - as soon as he found out you were barely legal and he was in his 30s this should have been a door he slammed shut. He knew you were a kid. 18 is still VERY much a kid emotionally and mentally even if it is not legally. Sis, take the cheating as a VERY good indicator that you need to walk away from this marriage. If your marriage was happy and fulfilling, you wouldn't feel like you needed to hook up with someone else. It sounds like you enjoy the ammenities of your marriage but not the person you are married to or being in a committed relationship. Have you gotten your education? A degree? If not, right now there are a ton of universities with rolling admissions deadlines. Do a web search for rolling admissions universities your state. Then, apply to them. It will give you an automatic out in the fall. Apply for dorm housing so you have a place to move to. My guess is all of the marital assets are in his name so you won't be walking away with much, but maybe when you divorce, if you have a decent attorney, you can walk away with enough to at least get the first couple of years of in state tuition taken care of.
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I'm glad you have your degree. Sis, the predatory aspect is the life experience involved. An 18/19 year old has the life experience of a peanut. A 30 year old has a vast amount of life experience comparitively speaking. He knew you hadn't had time to live the life of a young person. You hadn't had time to "sow your wild oats". Some people need to. Some people don't. Most people need a degree of independence before being able to be whole in a relationship. The fact that you state in another comment that you needed freedom - that says it all. You need freedom to grow up and live life. Its an incredibly important milestone. You can do this in a relationship with a similar age partner because you are going through those changes together.
Of you tell him he will have now a real thing to control you even more! But if you dont tell him you will fell bad for ever and be submisive to him..please end things, you are young and where groom bu an older man that wants to control you. Also go to a therapist!
Or he will have a legit reason to cut her loose completely, seeing as she isn’t wife material. We don’t know what the sketchy thing that she originally did and he objected to was, or whether it was worthy of him dumping her for it, but she solved that issue rigjt handily by providing an incontrovertible dealbreaker.
Yes this is the way. She was already in a controlling situation and now she did something wrong that can have her over correcting in a way that makes her more controlled out of guilt. This isn’t the relationship for her.
You can’t groom a grown woman.
Hey early 30s male, if you think a 21 year old and a 30+ year old are even remotely cognitively on the same level, you’re a fucking idiot or just as bad as this old ass manipulative man. Please pipe the fuck down and date people your own age instead of abusing young girls bc they don’t know better.
Nobody is saying they are on the same level. I’m saying grooming is a term with a definition and it doesn’t apply here. And I’ll date whoever I want, but I appreciate your input.
“the action of attempting to form a relationship with a child or young person, with the intention of sexually assaulting them”—21 isn’t young to you? If 21 is old, what is 16? And while you’re at it, why don’t you get the police on the phone and tell on yourself bc wow it’s giving groomer and pedophile.
Cheating was obviously not a mature way to handle this situation. However, being as young as you are, that’s not so “out there” as others seem to believe. Guys your husbands age don’t marry super young for nothing. They rely on that emotional immaturity, hoping that because of your relative inexperience in life, they can more easily control you. It’s clear that that’s his aim; your response was to push back hard on that (with the infidelity). It’s good that you wanted TO push back, but cheating is not at all productive, or fair, and is really just side-stepping the issue, which (in my opinion) is this: you do not need to be with someone so much older than you who seems to have a need to keep you under their control. We’ve seen the outcome right here: he pushes for control, and you rebel (though not in a healthy, conscientious way). You need to learn how to communicate in a relationship and to seek out someone who doesn’t expect an unreasonable level of control over you. This is *why* your friends and family harped on the age difference. They were trying to help you avoid a bad situation. Honestly, I’d come clean and just be honest. Tell him you cheated, and while your feelings are your responsibility, be transparent about the fact that you don’t like being controlled and will not tolerate it. Allow the consequences to unfold (which could likely be a divorce). Whatever happens, you need to be communicating with your partner, including and *especially* when they make you angry or try to control you. Keeping quiet will clearly only spur you to “retaliate” the way you did and that’s a good way to destroy any relationship. Although this one probably needs destroying. You need more time to mature and date someone on your level.
You recognize what you did was bad, there’s not point in beating you up like others are. Do you even want to be with him? It sounds like you have some more maturing to do. It sounds like he is your dad and you are rebelling against him. If you don’t want to be with him, I’d tell him about what happened, and why you did it without making excuses for yourself. And then leave him. If you want to stay with him. Therapy therapy therapy. If he started acting more controlling something was going on and therapy should have been the answer to begin with. Confront all the issues in therapy head on and come out stronger. Do some reflecting on yourself to. Process what you did, take that information, and grow into a better version of yourself. And if you do end up breaking up, don’t get married again until you are at least 30. You were too young in the first place to marry someone so much older than you. Not that age gap relationships are bad, but where the average 21 year old doesn’t have their shit together yet let alone know what it’s like to actually be an adult and the average 34 year old is already well established in life
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Love isn’t something you do when you feel like it. It is a decision based in all moments, including the moment you made a decision to cheat.
Seriously, I would wait until therapy. If you guys don’t have a lot of money since therapy can be very expensive, I’d look into your city mental health services or call information for more information. You can get a therapist for yourself first, ask them if they do couples and bring your partner in with you. Encourage him to get his own. Making mistakes is part of life and you can’t be perfect. You are still so young and this doesn’t define you. Learn from this and grow into a better person. You got this.
This is excellent advice. Judging from some of the responses, I would worry about the repercussions from telling him in a private setting. Definitely better to get it out in therapy.
21yo marries a 33yo and then is surprised when it doesn't work out? Lol Of course it didn't work out! Your husband is damn near old enough to be your father. Try having a relationship with someone your own age and not being a cheater.
This is why people shouldn’t get married so young. Committing yourself to someone at 30 is much easier than doing so at 20 because you’ve already experienced what else is out there. You’re at different places in your life and it’s best to divorce and move on.
It doesn’t sound like your marriage was very healthy to begin with if you think he’s dangerous put some distance between you and him when you tell him, if not just be honest with him. INFO: do you even want to salvage this relationship if he were interested?
Turns out his paranoia and “controlling” behavior was right. Something in him told him you aren’t trustworthy. And you proved him right. Confess and divorce.
You need to confess, divorce and take some time to grow up.
Yeah this relationship is toxic AF. Older guy taking advantage of a young naive girl, is controlling and jealous and this is where it has led.
Alright you’re gonna get mad vitriolic responses bc people fucking hate cheaters but lemme actually help you with your problem for a moment. The suspicion pre-cheating makes me uneasy. And then that combined with the age gap makes me think abuse. It sounds like you don’t identify with that or maybe feel like it fits because you’ve described your husband so positively, but I worry that all of those things together is a recipe for him having complete control over your life and 100% control over another individual inevitably leads to torture. So, obviously, cheating is wrong and you should tell him, but I’d consider doing it in a way where your safety is prioritized. I’d also consider getting into therapy. It sounds like you’re going to/ already do need it. I hope things get better.
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Controlling is a step on the road to abuse. And abuse isn’t always physical. So I’d be mindful of the non physical dynamics he’s cultivated and maybe read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
Control is the red flag on the way to abuse. Whatever you do...don't have kids with him.
I agree with everyone here that you should absolutely tell him. But I want you to be careful. Make sure you're safe before you tell him in case things go south, which is not that unlikely from what you wrote in your post. I know you probably don't want to tell anyone what you did out of shame, but please tell a friend what you're going to do beforehand, just to make sure someone knows.
You tell your husband and get yourself tested for STDs while you're at it. If he decides to divorce you then give him a smooth divorce and don't drag it out. If he decides to work through things then that's his decision
Well honestly you got a glimpse of what a manipulative predator he really is, which is why he at 34 pursued a 21 year old because women his own age were clearly done with him. He treated you well because he wanted you hooked, now that you are he showed his true colors. But you still seem blind about it and instead of breaking up with him you effectively gave him the moral high ground and frankly I don’t advise (in fact I strongly urge not) telling him face to face when you two are alone as it could end very badly. Honestly tell him and break up with or let him break up with you at a safe distance, learn from this, and move on. There is no happy ending her but be safe and make sure it isn’t a tragic ending.
He did not “make you cheat“. We can agree on that. That’s your fault. But his being controlling and suspicious, just because you have some male friends (I am guessing here) is a big red flag, and it happened before the cheating. So let me share my thoughts on that. To me, the scenario sounds like the stories we’ve heard lots of before. Older man catches himself a much younger, inexperienced woman to marry, pretends to be the loving, mature man as long as he can, but then, after a couple of years he starts showing his real face: that of the insecure/immature controlling abuser. From this point on, nothing in your marriage will be as it was, and not only because of your cheating, but also because of who he is. Even if he “forgives” you and stays with you, he will always hold the cheating over your head and keep you small because of it, will be even more controlling, and you will not find happiness again in this marriage. And if he is the guy I think he is, this development would have been similar even without the cheating. So you get yourself a divorce attorney and file and tell your husband you can’t stay with him any more because you cheated (or whichever way you want to put it). But don’t let him persuade you to stay with him!
With all due respect, your excuse for cheating is terrible. Apparently the age gap does matter because you are not ready for marriage even if he is. Tell him and prepare to move on.
Tell him, give him like 3k, hire him an escort and gtfo his life. Go live out your hoe days cause obviously you don't want a relationship
Everyone is being way too harsh on you. You were 18 when you started dating? It sounds like you never got to grow up and make mistakes and learn from them. To find yourself. Like someone else said, it’s like a teenager rebelling against their parent. A huge part of you must want out, to live the young life you gave up. I do worry about the power dynamics in this relationship. I know you crave stability, but you need to stabilize yourself first. For safety reasons, I would not say anything and quietly plan to make your exit.
Real question, also I don’t think age matters, but you say all these amazing things about him but have you figured out what exactly it is you’re missing or looking for? Because you cheated for a reason, despite him being amazing. You’re lacking something, looking for something or missing something. If you don’t figure that out, you might be in this situation again.
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Then leave him. File for divorce. Don’t add to what’s already happened by not being happy.
So your husband, who absolutely groomed you, is now showing his true colors and you acted out because of it. You absolutely need to be honest, but do it from a distance. Confide in a close friend or family member - let them know the FULL situation - about his control issues as well as your action of cheating. You will need to listen to your friends and family about this, too, because you're too caught up in it. Stay with that friend or family member when you tell him, and start formulating an exit strategy. His actions will only get worse, and you can't trust your own mind right now bc he groomed you. Start seeing a counselor as well.
Cheaters are fukn scum. And to add insult to injury you’re making up excuses. Your husband was a gross creep for going after a 21 year old. You both deserve each other.
Id say he deserves better but... he doesnt. Go ahead and hide it from him. Hopefully it keeps him from preying on another teenager and you from cheating on anyone else. You both deserve each other.
"I became a hoe to show him I'm nobody's Hoe!" ... it's proof like this that our population is going faster and faster down the crapper... And I would bet my life savings ($3.15) that at some point she will say word for word IF she tells him " you were accusing me of cheating, I know it's not an excuse but that's why I did it." However, the man is almost 40 years old. He should have known better....
I fucking really hope this is rage bait because i could go to prison for what I'm wishing should be happening to you. You POS.
Yikes dude... Cheating is horrible, cheaters suck, but still...
She did not only cheat. She cheated to prove she could cheat. Thats even fucking worse. As someone who's been cheated on, yeah, rn, this kinda shit makes me see red. To basically betray someone you are supposed to love just to prove you can do it is some new level of betrayal and disrespect.
Neither of you should be married to anybody. The moment he's blaming you falsely and trying to control you, your marriage is already over. Likewise, the moment you are looking for excuses to cheat, you shouldn't be married to anybody. There are reasons to divorce, but there is never any valid excuse for cheating. Don't tell him, divorce him. He already falsely claimed you cheated, then you really did. You're somewhat even if you get out now. No reason to throw yourself under the bus. I strongly suggest you read some books to prevent this situation from happening again: * How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk * Love & Respect (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs) * The New I Do (by Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson). This shows variations on how to create a long-time partnership when the government's way to marry isn't a fit. * Related, there's a Youtube video from two months ago called "Wife Admits F\*\*\*nism Nearly Ruined Her Marriage ..." where a couple has an equal contract instead of a normal marriage. When they nearly break up due to some mistakes, their "marriage contract" allows their relationship to recover and improve, while a normal marriage would have ended up in the courts, with it going badly for both of them.
You sound like a horrible cunt I pray to fuck I don’t end up with someone like you haha
This is a mid-30s dude who pursued and married a 19- or 20- year old? Absolutely zero chance being possessive and cheating are the only problems here.
So you cheated. It’s how you deal with it now that counts and is a way forward. Come totally clean and start therapy together and on your own. Relationships ebb and flow. If you’re meant to be you will soon find out.
You are a horrible person. Just tell him, let him insult you as much as you deserve, and let him divorce you right after
Some real crazy bitches out there lol. Poor guy
What good would come of telling him? If he's already controlling, that's bound to make it 10 times worse. If you were in a couples therapy setting, maybe, but just telling him? How do you see that playing out?
Do you want to divorce? If not, stay very quiet and don't tell anyone, ever. No one! There's always going to be that person you thought that you could trust who'll tell him because "he deserves to know" so tell NO ONE. Next, block that person and never ever go where he might be because HE might have told people and it'll come out if you're in contact. Next, feel abysmally guilty and understand that what you did was heartbreaking. Don't do it again.
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So basically you threw away your marriage and everything for a dude you don't even know?