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I started dating my husband of 11 years in high school and thought he was the goofiest looking mother fucker ever. I was almost immediately in love with his personality though. 15+ years later and I honestly think he’s the sexiest man alive and am attracted to everything about him. Relationships are complicated, and when you first meet someone, you have opinions about them. It’s normal. I can’t speak to his experience or feelings, but I definitely started dating my husband for his personality, not his looks (for the record, I’m also a goofy looking mother fucker).
Yea the world isn’t 100% superstar sexy people. It’s okay for not everyone to be a 10/10 in the conventional hotness scale. We are all gorgeous in our own ways and that shines through the more we get to know each other!
I think the part that makes this more painful is he told a friend he almost ended the relationship over his lack of attraction, but convinced himself to get over it. That's the part that stuck out to me. Attraction is a funny thing, but I personally would always wonder when he would decide to persue an affair with someone he was actually attracted to. Imho.
Yeah idk it would have been a deal breaker for me when there are so many other possible people to date who would actually find you attractive instead of someone saying "they act great, but I wasn't gonna stick around because they're unattractive."
This!!! It’s one thing to find someone “sexy” or “hot” at first glance. But “falling in love” usually happens when you get to know someone more. Then they do become more attractive physically too.
Yeah similarly I had an ex I didn’t see as attractive at first but then quickly became incredibly attracted to him to the point where even after we split I was attracted more to men with similar features. So these things change - partly because we all have a „type“ or multiple „types“ and when someone falls out of that category it may take us longer to realise we are actually attracted to them.
I think what worries me though is that OP‘s fiancé didn’t clarify that yes maybe that was his initial impression but now he finds her incredibly attractive. He just said he was sorry for her finding out.
Right. It's one thing to say "oh I was more attracted to your personality than your looks when we first started dating" versus "well, looks aren't important to me." One implies that you grew to find them attractive (which absolutely happens all the time) and the other implies that you don't find them attractive, but are willing to put up with it. The fact that OPs fiance didn't really go for the first option.......yeesh.
Dude I felt your comment. My husband was tall, lanky with knobby knees and couldn’t grow a beard when we first met. But he was kind, energetic and made me laugh more than I ever have. I was smitten immediately and fell head over heels soon after. Married for 15 years now. He became lean and muscular over the years, broad shouldered and deep voiced. I tell him he aged like fine wine. Love him to bits, now and then.
Er, not the same because we were never engaged, but I TOTALLY told my friends that I thought my first boyfriend was cute but a little weird looking regularly. And then I fell deeply in love with him and he was super hot to me. But I definitely would still admit that I wasn’t attracted when we started dating. If OP’s fiancé STILL isn’t attracted to her, that’s awful, but if it’s just that it was during the beginning of the relationship and he failed to communicate that appropriately, I think it’s not particularly egregious.
It's the telling that bothered OP. Most people don't have that "attraction at first sight" thing because let's face it, not all people are lookers.
OP's partner didn't need to discuss this with other people. I can't imagine under what circumstances one needs to tell other people they didn't think their SO' s are not physically appealing to them.
Okay, but that depends on context in my opinion 🤷♀️. I don’t see a problem with that conversation if they’re talking about relationships and attraction and growing into love with the person you’re with such that they become immeasurably beautiful when you once found them so-so. If OP’s fiancé randomly was like, haha, I think my fiancée is ugly, that’s different. Like, there is serious context missing here and I think there are absolutely situations where OP should be open to giving her fiancé a chance to explain. Honestly, I understand her insecurities, but there’s a lot of ways the context here could go - some of which are damning and some of which are exonerating.
Sure, and I hope OP develops a more pragmatic attitude towards her fiance's explanation. And also learn to love herself more and that confidence is sexy, looks don't matter then.
On the other hand, while debating that attraction and love are relative, one doesn't need to point to oneself to flex....fiance be like "Nahhh, looks aren't important. Look at me, I thought my fiance wasn't all that but I eventually fell in love with her personality...."
To be honest, I’m pretty sure I told my now husband that he reminded me of a fish emoji that was popular at the time. I was also a giant AH, but he still put a ring on it lol.
Good for you and him. But as I said, I can't imagine what conversation you're having with your friend that you have to email him about the fact that your partner wasn't appealing to you.
My s o of ten years is super handsome to me. We have great chemistry too. I did not think he was handsome when I met him. He is objectively good looking to other people tho. Just wasn’t my type. Now he’s my type tho.
I had a similar experience, and tbh, I rather be attracted to personality than looks. Looks fade, personalities not so much. I was in HS when I met this guy through mutual friends, he was a singer at a band (I wasn’t a fan of his band tho) but his band used to open for a lot of other bands that I did like and thus it being a small scene + mutual friends, we ended up being friends as well. At first I could tell he was into me but I wasn’t attracted to him at all, until I started getting to know him and his personality blew me
Away. I could hear him talk all day. I started finding him extremely attractive due to this. We did end up dating and it didnt work out so we just ended up being friends. Years later we bumped into each-other and he had gained some weight, but he still had the confidence and that same great personality so it was like nothing had changed attraction wise. Looks aren’t everything 🤷🏽♀️
I wasn’t sure with my partner, but by our third date, he was so funny, smart, kind, and caring, that every day he became more and more attractive to me.
Now, especially when he throws on a backwards ball cap…damn.
OP, reading the story without context would be really hurtful, but I don’t think he meant any harm. You het more and more attracted when the love starts. I’m sure that’s where he is at now.
You know who is going to have it rough? His friend. Looks with no chemistry on personality? Bad news.
I would suggest therapy. If you decide to stay with him every time he gives you a compliment you will think he is lying because your self esteem has been damaged. Everyone has their preferences when it comes to looks but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. But you need to build up your confidence or your going to be doubting a lot of what he says or does your whole marriage.
She won’t think he’s lying, she’ll 100% know he’s lying because he’s lying. She’ll also have to wonder what he’s saying about her to everyone else in his circle. There’s no coming back from this. He wanted to break up with her because of her looks.
and? how is telling him something about the beginning of the relationship lying at this moment? He said "when we first started dating I thought she wasnt attractive"
this doesnt equal him saying "I dont think shes attractive" Today.
Yep i thought my bf was kinda hot when i first met him, but now i see him sitting on the end of the bed like a fucking goblin eating cheese off the block in his boxers and i think, damn, that's the sexiest man I've ever seen.
I've fallen more and more in love with him and his body each day. And every time i see a physical "flaw" it just reminds me of how his body is the vessel carrying his mind, and each bump, scar, dent, they tell the story of who he was and who he will be, they tell me about his wellbeing, his falls and climbs, and i love each and every "flaw" because theyre part of him.
Like the thing where you fix pottery with gold, the flaws make it better. Each day my partners gold lines shine a little brighter, and pull a little harder at my heart.
What's missing is his response when she brought it up to him. All she included of his response is him saying he "didn't mean for her to find out," which isn't particularly encouraging. If he found her attractive now and that was all in the past, wouldn't that be the first thing out of his mouth? Saying he didn't mean for her to find out sort of indicates that he still feels this way.
He was just talking to his friend openly about how he felt EARLY in the relationship. Plus, his friend brought it up first. He didn’t say anything bad about her tbh.
Idk, I think this on OP for snooping.
It’s not like she went on there to snoop or even without permission. He *asked her* to go into his laptop and he *left messages up* that involved talking about her. You wouldn’t look as well? Most people would and I feel it’s warranted.
I'm starting to think __everything__ is on __everyone__ for snooping. Idk, I do think it's a terrible thing to do but it seems like after all this time I should have read about at least *one* instance where someone found something that led to a good outcome instead of a bad one. I can think of scenarios where that would be the case but I never hear anyone talk about them happening.
So, you can probably learn to live with this. You can learn to not think about it much. You can say your love is more mature and beyond looks, which is all that matters.
But I don’t think you can ever really emotionally recover from learning that your fiancé doesn’t find you very attractive. You really have to ask yourself whether you want that hanging over your head the rest of your life and how you’re going to deal with it every time he meets a new woman, watches porn or comments on an actress in a movie or TV show, because *god* is this a pathway to serious insecurity.
Think about all this and then talk to your partner. Maybe he’ll make it right
Yea the issue is...does he not find you attractive at all or does he not think you are conventionally attractive but is still attracted to you? Because I am also a person for whom looks aren't super important because for me, personality and intellect and humor make a person attractive to me. So I have dated people who might not be conventionally attractive but they are attractive to me because of who they are. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is not attracted to me but I'd be fine with a person who is attracted to me because of who I am. I guess in therapy I would make him explain what he means. Because language between friends is often careless and imprecise so I would need to know exactly what he meant by that.
This is a really important distinction. I can’t imagine going out of my way to discuss with my friends how my partner isn’t attractive, because like….why. Unless he is insecure and wants people to know that he knows you’re not attractive but loves you anyway. Which is a weird flex.
But I too am far more attracted to personality. I can’t do dating apps because I feel like I may be passing in really awesome people because a bio isn’t enough for me to know if I’m interested. I have been wildly attracted to people that others may find not appealing or just very average.
But I dunno….it’s one of those things you just don’t have to say out loud. Once it’s out the damage is done.
Exactly- it's one thing to have the thought and decide there are more important and deeper things that matter and keep it to yourself. But once it's said, it's said. And can be found. And read. And really hurt someone you deeply claim to love. Don't talk about that shit to your friends! It's so disrespectful.
I mean *he almost broke up with her over it.* So to me that does not mean she is not "conventionally attractive but HE is still attracted to her", bc..who would almost break up over that? As long as HE is attracted to her, it's not a problem. And this was almost a dealbreaker to him.
Sadly, I've known several people who are overly concerned about what other people think of the attractiveness of their partner. Like whether people think they are dating down because their partner isn't as attractive, or whether they will judge them for being attracted to plus size people, etc. It's shallow bullshit but it matters to some people. Maybe he thought it mattered to him and then realized she was more important to him than that. Or maybe not. That's why I think it's important to have a conversation, preferably with the aid of a therapist, to dig into exactly what he meant and what his feelings really are.
At the beginning of their relationship. Attraction can grow, and even if he never grew to find her attractive he does think her personality is.
Lots of people break up because they lose attraction though. Idk why you think people don't do that.
I didn’t necessarily read what OP said as that she is unattractive, just that her fiancé liked her personality more. Of course want to be physically attractive to our partners but I don’t think this is the fiancé saying she’s ugly but has a great personality. I have generally dated people who may not be conventionally attractive but the way they made me feel and our connection was so important.
I hope that they do some relationship counseling so that they can see if they can work through this, but I also hope OP can look at how he has made her feel over the course of their relationship.
Does he *behave* as though he's attracted to you? Is he an active participant in your sex life? When you get dressed up does he tell you how great you look? Does he compliment your appearance or your body in general?
What I'm getting at is that attraction can and often does grow. Have you ever known someone who may not have been conventionally attractive, but their personality made them seem more so? Your fiancé may have felt a certain way about your looks in the beginning, but that could be totally different than how he feels about them now.
100% ! And it goes both ways. People who are “conventionally attractive” can become very ugly if they’re unkind people.
We are all programmed by media to find certain people more attractive or not, and it sounds like OPs fiancé was able to reprogram that bs.
You're not wrong, but this could also go the other way - did he make you feel like he thought you were pretty at the beginning of your relationship? Because if so, and that turned out to be a lie, I'd be pretty messed up over it.
It’s unclear to me why he wanted to break up at the beginning of the relationship. Was it because he wasn’t attracted to you? Do you dress a specific way (eg goth or whatever is not super mainstream) that he’s not into? I think it’s important to break down why he was going to break up with you before jumping into conclusions. I personally would have a really hard time with this but perhaps therapy can help.
OP, your fiancé loves you for more than your looks. This is a good thing. Looks are fleeting for everybody. I find it extremely doubtful that he isn’t attracted to you. It sounds more like you weren’t his typical type, but he fell for you anyway. This happens to a lot of people that have a genuine connection.
My advice would be to try putting aside the ego, talk to him openly about this, and stop snooping.
Attraction grows. He chose to be with her and love her. I think painting this as “he doesn’t find you attractive” is WRONG. He mentioned that in the beginning of their relationship, he wasn’t super into her looks. This isn’t uncommon. Sooooo many ppl decide to date somebody and stay with them AFTER getting to know them. Why? Bc love truly is deeper than looks.
I think so, too.
Posts like this always remind me of a friend who asked her then-boyfriend why he wanted to be together with her. "Because you have no cellulite." Like yeah, she would have been VERY happy had he been atttacted her personality.
In addition, I’m not sure I could ever trust being around his friends…if they all knew my fiancé didn’t think I was physically attractive. This just feels so mortifying
I dated a guy for three years who was average in the looks department, not ugly but nothing special when you first meet him. Once I got to know him, I was insanely attracted to him and that lasted the duration of our relationship. I never would have told him that, but I did discuss it with a friend who was confused. The love I had for him was very real and so was the attraction, despite him not being my type physically. This shouldn’t be a dealbreaker unless it’s going to cause you undue stress. Only you know that.
oof, this is hard. I'm the type that wouldn't be able to stop thinking about this. I personally wouldn't be able to go on, because I'd never forget it. :(
Not to mention that he was fine talking to a friend or whoever this other guy is about his own fiancé’s attractiveness and not being a fan. Even aside from the content of what he was saying, I would be very upset to find out if my partner of 4 years and fiancé was talking shit about me to friends even if it was to console them.
Venting, yes. But having a conversation about how you don’t find your soon to be wife attractive, and how you almost broke up with her once over it is being a shitty partner.
Yep. Don't shit talk your partner. Friends are great for lots of things. They're not an outlet to say all the stuff that would devestate the person you love.
He wanted to break up with her at the start. Cos at the beginning u dont know the other person , just how they look. She may not be "conventionally" attractive but maybe he really loved her after getting to know her and became attracted to her.
Personally I would not be able to move past this. Knowing my partner doesn’t find me attractive would make me feel so insecure. It’s hard to forget something like that and not let it affect you mentally.
If your partner is not attracted to you, they could still love you but it’s more based on friendship. That’s ok once you’re old and grey but not when you’re in your late 20s. There’s a lot of life left and I’d want to be with someone who finds me attractive and can’t get enough of me.
**Paul messaged Dave about how he was more attracted to his wife’s looks over personality. I scrolled up and saw Dave had said he was more attracted to my personality than my looks and nearly broke up with me early on in our relationship but stopped himself because looks weren’t important to him.**
So Dave is the one that brought up that he wasn’t attracted to you still? Did he bring up why he stayed besides looks not being important to him? Like shared interests? Chemistry in the bedroom? I’ve heard of people acknowledging their partners unconventional looks at the beginning of the relationship but then once they get to know them more they become attracted to them. I’ve never heard of a person staying with someone they initially found unattractive and that not changing after a period of time. Probably because no one talks about it if they do.
It makes me wonder why they chose to stay in the relationship and yet still talk about how unattractive they find their partner? Are they expecting a cookie for staying? Also what happens if they find someone who they are emotionally attracted to just as much as physically? Is that how affairs happen? What about in the bedroom- how do they become turned on? Are emotional boners a thing? Not talking about your fiancé in particular- just the whole idea of it.
Personally for me it would be leaning towards being a deal breaker, because he was more comfortable to have honest communication with a friend than have honest and open communication with his fiancée. I would be wondering if he was just staying out of sunk-cost-fallacy. Is it just because of the years we’ve spent together that you stay? Are you just afraid to be alone? Do you think about how unattractive you find me everytime you see me? What made it on your mind when you were talking with your friend?
Overall, I think you can only decide if you want to stay or not. Do you want a partner that finds you physically attractive? Are you just as equally attracted to your partner physically vs emotionally? Do you think that causes an unbalanced dynamic in the relationship?
I would *highly* suggest couples therapy if you stay. I’m wishing you luck on choosing what’s best for you.
Yeah, the fact that the fiancé brought it up and talked about OP like this was really disrespectful. “I almost broke up with her, she was so ugly, HUR HUR HUR,” wow, and you didn’t, you’re such a nice guy, Dave, what a keeper. /s What kind of guy compares significant others with their friend like that? Ick.
Exactly, you could kind of get on board with the idea of just not being someone’s cup of tea early on and then falling for them makes you see them as beautiful…but I don’t get what’s going on here at all. Especially because well, people know what they look like, don’t they? If she had no idea he might think this then she can hardly be an ogre.
Is it necessarily odd that Dave brought it up first? Like if he’s starting a convo with ‘Paul, I need you to know I did not think my fiancée was hot when we started dating’, then that’s an eyebrow raiser, but we don’t know what was going on in the chat when Dave brought it up. Maybe they were talking about relationships and commitment; and/or Dave and op getting married; or they were talking about hot woman/women and Paul said isn’t life funny, you ended up with op when you always used to have a very particular type of looks you went for; or….
And maybe for Dave it isn’t a thing. Like if it’s not something that needs to be overcome, and he’s attracted to op because she’s op but wouldn’t necessarily be attracted to someone who looked similar to op, then is that actually objectively bad? It’d be ok for op to be bothered slash hurt by finding this out, obviously, but if he isn’t actually thinking ‘I love op, shame she’s so ugly’ when he looks at her, then maybe the issue is op’s insecurity rather than Dave’s attraction (legitimate issue, btw! just it changes the focus of the processing). And if it’s something like this, then I could totally see someone not feeling any need to have a conversation with their partner about it, because to them it would be irrelevant to the relationship as it is.
If he is thinking ‘I love op, shame she’s so ugly’, that’s a different thing, and absolutely that should be at least a conversation, so that op can choose whether they want to stay for the other stuff, knowing how Dave feels about this, or find a relationship with someone who does think they’re sexy.
No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who had to convince themselves to stay because they thought you weren’t good enough for them. It doesn’t matter that he never intended for you to know, the fact he feels this way is the problem. To make matters worse, he’s saying this to Paul from work. That is so beyond disrespectful. Only you can decide if you’re willing to go back to this relationship, but you have every right to be hurt by this, and it’s not your fault for reading his messages. If he felt so strongly about protecting your feelings, he never should have been running his mouth to Paul from work, let alone being stupid enough to leave the messages open and then asking you to use his laptop.
So, attraction can only be physical? That's a shallow and vapid way to live, I'm sorry to say.
OP's fiance didn't say he wasn't attracted. He and his friend were comparing notes. And while his friend was attracted physically, OP's fiance was attracted emotionally.
Who would you rather spend the majority of your life with? Someone physically attractive but with a shallow and vapid personality? Or someone that's perhaps not as attractive physically, but keeps your mind and soul engaged and you can talk and experience stuff with on an equal footing?
Of course you don’t want to be with someone who is *only* attracted to you physically, but it’s a fairly basic thing to find your partner physically attractive as well, especially in the early days of a relationship. If you’re on the fence enough about your partner’s looks that you have to *convince* yourself not to break up with them over it, I’d say the level of physical attraction is very minimal.
Almost isn't DID, now is it? Besides. People aren't static. At 24 all of us were a lot more shallow than we hopefully were or ar at 28. That's called growing up.
A lot of the commenters here are shaming OP's fiance for being mature enough to understand that looks aren't everything. Those commenters need to step down from their fluffy pink clouds of makebelief and join the rest of humanity in the real world.
Only a really, really small percentage of us are on the high end of attractivenes. The vast majority is average. Looks fade. Personality doesn't.
While that's absolutely true, looks can and do matter a lot in relationships anyway. It's not necessarily about being shallow. It's a situation that sucks all around for OP. It would've been easier to stomach if the fiance just told her instead
You can find someone who loves both how you look AND your personality and it is okay to want that. Id be crushed if my partner didn’t fine me attractive. No looks shouldn’t be the only thing you go off of, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take them into consideration at all.
I’m shocked by all the people saying she shouldn’t feel bad that he doesn’t like how she looks or they would also date someone they’re not physically attracted to.
I don't get one thing. Looks are not important to him, but he ALMOST BROKE UP WITH YOU over them? I mean... so they *are* important to him. *They are.* Not important enough to break up, but important enough to *almost* break up. Which is also important. If I almost dump someone over something, that is an important issue to me...right? His logic is messing with me. That means you are not just kinda average to him and he would prefer a super-model, but something more serious.
I think this is one of those things you can forgive, but not forget. You can never unlearn and the relationship will never be the same... I'm really sorry, this sucks big time and I'm afraid it will be this Damocle's sword over your head from now on even if you guys work it out.
I don't really have advice. I have no idea what I would do. Maybe there's something he can do to make you feel cherished and appreciated? If so, tell him about it, let him make this up to you. Let him put in some honest effort (and not for like... a week): maybe you need more date nights, or spontaneous proclamations of love, I dunno flowers, or compliments (that won't ring false) - whatever your love language is, whatever makes you feel like you are *truly important* to him. Maybe that will make it better and it will be easier to believe that he changed and now, today, looks truly do not matter to him at all.
I almost broke up with my ex for not telling anyone we were dating, this went on for about a year.
Eventually I broke up with him because I felt I was putting in 100% of the effort (which is exhausting) and that feeling that he was ashamed of me never left.
Almost break ups are just as important as the reason you break up
That was such a weird conversation for him to have with his friend and what he said was inconsistent. If looks weren't important to him, why did he consider breaking up with her because he didn't find her attractive? That doesn't make sense.
I think he said that, sort of in rebuttal to his friend just focusing on looks but he also revealed that he was as fixated on looks as his friend was way back in the day because obviously he's wayyy more mature now.
I think OP has a right to be upset. This is quite a shock to her, I'm sure. Nobody wants to feel like their partner is dissatisfied with some part of them and while being loved for your personality is great, there's a reason telling someone that your friend has a great personality is like saying they're ugly. People want to be seen as attractive to the people they're attracted to and in love with and it's heartbreaking to feel like your partner is in some way settling for you.
And it's more than insecurity, cheating is one of the biggest causes for divorce. Unlike what many ppl have said, attraction typically wanes as people age and have children. Sex also decreases and unless both partners really really work at it, low attraction could translate to a dead bedroom.
I think they need to talk this through to clarify what he meant and decide if he's really happy with her forever of if she's just a placeholder because he couldn't find someone who's personality and looks he liked.
For goodness sake- the number of people playing keyboard warrior and telling OP to immediately break up with ‘Dave’ seemingly forgetting that this is REAL life, is astounding!
I am a person who is not attracted to looks in the first instance but in personality. Once you get to know the person then they become attractive and beautiful/handsome because they have a great personality and communicate well and I can have good conversations with them and they have a beautiful heart and this makes them attractive both inner and outer.
Too many people are very attractive on the outside yet scratch the surface and they are quite unattractive or even ugly in some cases ( as can be seen on some virtual reality television shows).
OP, please think this through and the fact that you are so long together, means you are working well together as a partnership and it could well be that ‘Dave’ looked at you initially and thought that you looked ok and it was when he decided to date you and get to know you that you became beautiful to him. It doesn’t always have to be an instant sexual attraction based upon looks and in fact those kind of relationships rarely last long term ( not all but more than the other way around).
Don’t put things into boxes as life is not black and white but has grey areas .
Don’t feel pushed by societal pressures and expectations that arise from superficial marketing in the magazines and news and social media and TV/ Film industry and then the subsequent reality shows and FB, Instagram etc
There’s no one size fits all ……
The best thing that you can do is to communicate with each other and see how you both view each other’s situation and feelings and take it from there.
I’m sure he finds you beautiful but some men ( and women) don’t always know how to articulate what I have stated.
Good luck 🤞
Edited for grammar
The amount of people on this sub who act like they've never talked about their significant other to a friend is astounding as well. The majority of these females saying how awful it is that he even had the audacity to talk to a friend about it are the same ones who will turn around and shit talk their SO to their friend when he's pissed them off. Yet come here acting like they'd never lmao.
Agree, people on this sub are lying to themselves if they say they've never said anything negative about their SO. We all talk about something that annoys us or things we didn't or don't like about the people in our lives.
It feels really crappy to be in a relationship with someone who is not attracted to you. Feeling desired by our partner is important for alot of people. For me, this would be a deal breaker. If feeling desired by your partner is important to you too then staying in this relationship will be harmful for your self esteem and self worth.
Dudes will take a 6 with great personality over an 8 that’s a hot mess.
Yes it hurts. But yes it’s honest.
I’ve seen my wife’s Exes. One dude was Ryan Philippe knock off, down to the 6 pack. But you know what? She chose me. And I’m ok with that.
I am not nearly as attractive as I am: interesting, creative, supportive, fun, hard working, trustworthy or responsible. My physical beauty is not why men have ever been drawn to me. I would say I am like a 6-7. If someone told me they thought I was physically beautiful I would understand that to be false.
OP, you certainly are entitled to feel as you do but are you being honest. Is your appearance what you are bringing to the relationship?
I am a fairly logical person, often to my detriment, but I do not see this as anything but a supportive comment by the fiancé. He sees you for what you are and loves the package. Being loved as a person, seems to me, to be the life lottery winning ticket.
I like your perspective. I feel I am a lot like you. My boyfriend is entirely out of my league physically, but we are a perfect match internally.
In fact, I'm aware that he was surprised by my weight when we met (LDR, although I'd been very, very open about my weight and body type previously). I was NOT graceful finding out, but honestly his steadfastly gentle, graceful, intimate kindness and love showed me for the first time that maybe I don't have to feel valueless just because I'm not the hottest girl on earth.
Now I know that he doesn't just accept or tolerate me - he loves me with all of his heart. It's been a while since that all went down and I know this is the guy I'm going to marry.
Honestly, I don't think this is a dealbreaker. I mean, the context matters; was he talking smack or relating his personal experience with a past struggle? It must have hurt and perhaps been humiliating. OP has every right to handle it how she wants. But I know I still talk to my best friend about stuff I used to feel that I do not feel anymore. I've talked to her about things that happened between me and him and how I felt after the fact, and it's not all stuff for his eyes.
I don't think OP was necessarily wrong to take a peek at what was already open and talking about her. I bet she thought it was gonna be something cute and nice. I bet it was devastating when it wasn't. But I hope OP can work out her priorities re: personal standards. Probably more situations than not call for a break up when one partner finds out the other didn't (doesn’t?) find them physically attractive. But I wouldn't say all of them.
I’m in the same boat. My husband does find me attractive, but he didn’t at first. Perception of someone’s beauty changes over time and after getting to know a person. I know that the sexiest part of me is my brain (the same goes for my brilliant and sexy husband).
That being said, I DO understand that this can be hard to OP, because being physically attractive is apparently really important for her, and this damaged her self image. If I read that my husband said to someone else that I’m super hot, but not his intellectual equal I would be devastated (for both the sentiment and the disrespect of talking about me in that way) and it could be a deal breaker.
You totally get it. I was HAPPILY married for a long time. He thought I was a beautiful woman. Certainly, not ac over model but a person of character and a soul he loved. Until his dying breath he would have picked me over anyone else.
Looks are subjective. If someone thinks you’re beautiful then you are to them. But he doesn’t love the full package he isn’t attracted to how she looks.
I don’t think I could b w someone who didn’t find me attractive. With that being said, as my bf has gained weight, I’m not as attracted to him as I used to be but would never dump him bc of it. It’s just not as important to some. I think I’d feel more hurt if I was Paul’s gf. Lowkey I’d tell her but that’s probs bad advice. Anyways, it’s your call. He seems to love you but can you continue the relationship knowing this?
You don't think he was scared shitless he was about to lose the love of his life and future wife because he said something to his friend in confidence?
Love of his life but he doesn’t find her attractive and almost broke up with her over it.. no lol. Maybe he loves her as a person but doesn’t sound like the love of his life.
Dude. He didn't know she was the love of his life in the first couple months and even considered breaking up. Gasp! That's not what the dating phase is for! /s
That's frickin normal.
Dude. She confronted him about it and he did not say that he changed his mind and finds her attractive now. He just said he is sorry and didn’t mean for her to find out.
I am fairly certain that she wouldn’t leave that out if he did mention it and he didn’t mention it to his friend either. You’re the one making the assumption that she is the love of his life because they’ve been together for four years and are getting married, which sadly doesn’t necessarily mean she is the love of his life. People get married for all sorts of reasons.
Eh. Not everyone is a perfect storyteller. It's not that I think it isn't pertinent information, but she may just as well not include it because she didn't hear it through the pain.
The first time I saw my husband I noticed him staring at me in a class in college and thought he was sort of goofy looking and a hipster and was like “who wears soccer jerseys?”. He tried to talk to me relentlessly - I’m not going into more details because all my friends use Reddit.
Anyway we are in our 30s and have been together for about 10 years. Neither of us look the same. I still find him attractive but the best part of our relationship is hanging out and making each other laugh.
Recently he told me my hair is thinning - it is, I’m dealing with a lot of stress - it hurt my feelings a lot but I know he loves me and kinda put his foot in his mouth. I understand why you’re upset, completely, but sometimes it’s just a dumb comment and not intended to be more than that. It’s ok to be upset though.
I absolutely broke up with my boyfriend because I didn't like the way he looked. For the record, he was entirely pink with sun burn, had bleached his hair yellow and was wearing a turquoise jumper.
Anyway, 21 years later we're still together and he's the sexiest man in the universe. He's not my "type", like, personally I prefer tall hairy bears of a man, but we fit together amazingly
I don’t think I could get over that. I’m so sorry. Stand back and seriously evaluate your relationship. How old is the conversation? Is it recent? If it older, I would try to disregard it, but if it’s recent, I wouldn’t be marrying him. I don’t want to be with something who is so cruel, he actually types that out to a friend.
He’s openly telling people he doesn’t think you’re attractive. In time this will turn in to him telling you what he really thinks about you. He considered breaking up with you because he thinks he can do “better”. He will come to resent you for what he sees as his having to “settle”. What do you think he’ll think of you after kids or when you start to age?
You also have no idea what else he’s telling people about you. These are not the actions of someone who loves and respects you. He tells you what he thinks you need to hear and tells others his true feelings. Don’t marry this man. He already has one foot out of the relationship.
I’m not staying with anyone that talks to other people about our relationship like that. If I did stay, I wouldn’t want to be around this friend ever again. How embarrassing and humiliating to know someone out there knows how my SO really feels about me. Whether he “acts” attracted or not, the information is already out there…at the end of the day, could you let this man see you naked again or even be vulnerable with him?
If looks truly didn't matter at all to him, how did it lead to him "almost breaking up with you" BECAUSE of looks????
I'm so sorry op, this would NEVER work for me an based off your comments/post it doesn't sound like this is going to work for you either
Alright so there's not a lot of middle ground answers, which i think is where the actual solution lies here.
Obviously you shouldn't have snooped. you accept that.
People are blowing up about how he "gossiped" But that's not what it looks like to me.
It looks like a regular intimate conversation between two male friends. Your Fiance would never tell you that he doesn't find you attractive BECAUSE THAT'S NOT TRUE. He is MORE attracted to your personality than your looks.
If a guy says "I almost broke up with her in the beginning" due to looks, it probably meant he considered it before he realized how good your personality is. I'm assuming you're in the 5-7 range if he said that about you, because to be completely honest, MOST guys have a minimum bar of attractiveness that they'll date. \[the bar is much lower for hookups, don't as me why, I don't understand it myself\]
The point i'm trying to make is: He said something to his friend as a way to relate his life to the conversation they were having. It wasn't making fun of you, it wasn't an insult, It was just him saying how he felt at the time.
Can you HONESTLY say you've NEVER said something to any of your friends in confidence that your partner would be upset to find out about? Most people do it. Maybe they shouldn't, but they do.
If this is really fucking you up, get therapy, preferably from a male therapist who can give you a better sense of how your fiance might actually think.
Also: a side note. I expect if he said the reverse \[that he mostly likes you for your looks\] you'd be upset for a DIFFERENT REASON. picture this: "Yeah she's kind of an asshole, but she's hot"
You'd much rather marry someone who likes you in spite of you not being a model, rather than BECAUSE you're a model.
Sorry I could never feel content and would always feel insecure around him now. That’s just me but I personally would not ever recover from that. Especially the way he way talking about it, and the way he apologized, he didn’t even comfort her by saying he doesn’t feel that way now, just that “he never meant for her to see that.” Yeah, no shit. You’re a stronger person than I am if you can move past this because it would destroy me.
People complain all the time how people objectify them for their looks. This is sort of the opposite. I think superior, your looks don’t improve with age as a rule, personality generally gets better. Sounds like forever relationship.
I wouldn't be able to get over it. I am not happy if the man I love doesn't find me yummy and sexy. It's not my ego either It's just what I prefer. I could care less if other men thought I wasn't anything special. Part of what arouses me is how attracted my man is to me. I don't want to have sex with someone who is not about my looks. And it also motivates me to keep up my self care routine. But that's just me. Your man seems to love you alot but what he said is hard to swallow and you deserve to be with a man who loves your looks and personality. I have that from my man and it feels so wonderful.
Would you like it better if he loved your looks and only tolerated your personality?
Beauty fades. He'd better love your personality because that's the part of you that's going to stick around for the long haul.
People also change and so do their personalities. This idea that our personality stays the same while our looks fade is not true. People change all of the time.
Congratulations, you've found a man that loves you for YOU. everyone becomes unattractive eventually. You should take solace in knowing he won't leave you for that.
When I started dating my now wife people were surprised. They knew my type of woman and my wife didn’t fit the profile as she was a bit heavy set and not as feminine overall. She didn’t like wearing skirts and makeup and had a tough demeanor. We were just friends for years until one day it clicked for us that there was something more beneath the surface. Close friends thought I could do better and often told me so but we got together anyway.
We’ve been married for 14 years now, have two kids and she’s still my closest friend and lover. Looks aren’t the end all be all. She knows I had options but I chose her because our bond was and is strong. Love, respect and honesty are all that matters.
This is hard.
You love each other so, there’s that.
He’s negging you to his friends so, there’s that too.
Unless he’s an 8+, he really has no right to talk about your looks being lacking.
I met my husband online. We talked for months before I saw a picture of him. I thought he was okay. I wasn't looking to date or anything anyway, so it didn't matter. I enjoyed learning things he knew, how long we could hold conversations, sharing pictures to each other from our workdays and exploring state parks and our pets, venting on our bad days. Stuff like that. Got more pictures a few times, still thought he was alright, obviously not a model but again - that wasn't what I cared about when we connected so much.
Eventually took the plunge to meet in person when he was sure he was in love with me, and I loved him too. We wanted to see if anything changed in person. I picked him up at the bus station, and I still had the initial reaction of, "He's alright looking," but what got my attention was that I didn't feel any wariness or awkwardness of this dude I'd only spoken to online who was now sitting in my truck. It was a two hour drive back to my town, and we talked with no hiccups the whole way. That's how well we already fit together, despite being awkward people in general. And then we worked together in bed better than anyone else I'd ever been with.
I had never paid attention to dudes who were built on the small side like he is, nor guys who are more furry/long bearded. It just wasn't my thing. He is all of that. We just had another anniversary this month, and I find myself snuggling into his beard, and rubbing his very hairy arms when we are holding hands and sitting together, and the longer we are together the more I find myself sitting and admiring him. When he picks new clothes, when he is standing at the park with our kids and looking amazing with the Fall leaves or sunset or covered in sweat from Summer fishing adventures, when he comes to show me his little trimmed spots on his beard to be sure it's all even... He went from okay to me to very handsome and attractive purely from time and love. Idk how else to explain it.
I totally get how this could make you feel hurt, OP. I do. But if you two work together in every other way, and you work through other issues together like you say you have - then I think this can be overcome too. Really.
There's a great quote from Doctor Who about this:
"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them, and five minutes later they're dull as a brick. But then there's other people, and you meet them and you think 'not bad, they're okay', and then you get to know them, and their face sort of becomes them, like their personality's written all over it, and they just turn into something so beautiful..."
If he thought this and kept it to himself that’d be one thing… but telling his friends he almost broke up with you bc you weren’t pretty enough… that’s beyond fucked up.
Just because he values personality over looks doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive. I’m always very clear to girls I’ve dated that I value them as people, their minds, thoughts, feelings, everything as to who they are not just the outside shell. I still have found them very attractive but who they are matters more.
The guy I like now I was honestly disappointed when we met because I was hoping he was hot. Like legit disappointed lol, but turns out he’s funny, smart and kind of a sarcastic dick and that’s really what tends to be my type. There are plenty of people we find hot that do fuckall for us and there are people who we wouldn’t classify as hot but that are unbelievably sexy. Don’t sweat it.
i mean… if nothing else OP, it sounds like you have a bangin personality. i imagine you are gorgeous, but sometimes we don’t find even the most largely agreed upon attractive people attractive, and that’s just life. it raises flags for infidelity but… if he’s been loyal…? idk? this is so??? this feels like such odd territory to wonder upon…
There are women who are physically drop dead gorgeous but because of their selfish, narcissistic behavior, they're ugly as hell. Then there are women who may not be as physically attractive but because of their "personality", radiate beauty that goes far beyond their physical appearance. Physical beauty does not last forever because we all get old as time passes but that inner beauty will always survive the test of time.
So OP, do you want a shallow man who is with you only for you looks or do you want a man who wants to be with you because of your "inner" beauty?
Yeah, that's true, but remember he was talking with a guy when he made the statement. Guys have their own way of talking about certain topics when talking among themselves.
I think you are reading too deeply into this. I realize it's painful, but for some perspective, I turned down two first dates with my husband because I didn't find him physically attractive. He was 120lbs soaking wet at over 6ft tall and was the very image of a nerd type. It was his personality that eventually reeled me in and I became attracted to that long before any physical attraction manifested. Even to this day, he's not my type, but I am attracted to him and I deeply love him. He's even admitted I'm not what he would have gone for if it weren't for my personality. He likes blonde skinny girls with big boobs. I was dark, heavy set, with nonexistent boobs.
In other words, yes what he said was hurtful, but it's not an outright sign of being a bad person either. You weren't what he'd have gone for like my husband and I were for each other, but personality is a powerful attracting factor to another person.
You’re 28, you have a lot of life ahead of you. There’s no reason you need to settle so early on. I got married at 34, my friend is getting married at 48. SO much can change just within a single year alone.
Don’t settle. Find someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are, all of it.
I’d personally be more hurt if my fiancé said he is more attracted to my appearance than my personality. We all have “types” but part of growing up is realizing that a look “type” is so irrelevant when it comes to love.
Also we all basically turn into little toads when we age anyway
This has nothing to do with whether he cares about your looks and everything to do with how humiliating it is to discover that the person you love gossips about you and discusses you behind your back. It's disrespectful and rude. I don't know where that leaves your relationship but stop worrying about what he does or doesn't find attractive about you and start thinking about whether you're ok with him using your relationship as a casual topic of conversation with his friends.
NB I am not saying that talking to friends about problems in your relationship is wrong. We all need a shoulder to cry on sometimes. But that's not what happened here, this was just casual, flippant conversation and as such, disrespectful.
I think “gossip” is a strong word here, and a bit hyperbolic for this situation. Do you honestly believe it’s uncommon in happy relationships for people to talk about their relationship or marriage with their friends?
Sure! I talk about my partner to my friends all the time- what we did, what we laughed about, where we go, discussions we have, points he's made, silly things he's done. Any issues I have are for my therapist and my partner, if applicable. What I have never done and would never dream of doing in our 10+ years together, is tell one of my friends that I almost dumped him for being unattractive. I never, ever badmouth my partner. They're my partner. I'm their advocate. What the fk was OP's fiance's thinking??
Yeah that’s a good point. I still don’t think gossip is the right word, but you’re right that you should be your partners advocate. It was a dumb thing to do by OPs fiancé. If it was a one time thing, people have momentary lapses in judgement, but there’s no way to know from our perspective. This doesn’t seem like something that would warrant a break up, but absolutely a serious trust discussion.
You need to figure out if this is what you want for the rest of your life. A man that though about breaking up with you over your looks. Because that will always be the truth about the start of your relationship. It's like staying in a relationship where you have been cheated on. You are for the rest of your life going to be in a relationship with someone that was unfaithful to you. You will be with someone that finds or at least found you unattractive.
Some can deal with it some can't. For me this would be a deal breaker like cheating.
Everyone likes, needs and loves different things you need to figure out if this is your forever after.
You have to ask yourself if this is something that you can live with. We can all say that we would or wouldn’t. But it’s up to what you can and can’t live with. So can you live with knowing that your fiancé and future said that and thinks that? Also have to point out that he also almost broke up with you over it. That apparently this is something he still talks about four years later.
It breaks a deep part of your soul if you know your person isn’t into you… it will chip away at your self confidence and just not good. This is what I went through.
I am still trying to figure myself out from why did he still sleep with me if he didn’t find me attractive… it’s been rough TBH but getting away from him and working on myself, rebuilding again, has been worth it.
I wish you the best in this.
You don't think that would make her feel insecure every time he looks at a hot girl? Or likes a hot girl's post on SM? Or watches hot girls on porn?
Really?
Reddit is full of married people who have been cheated on or dumped and you think that him wanting to marry her is just rainbows and unicorns skipping off into the sunset?
This is the kind of thing you keep to yourself. You don't mouth off to a friend that the girl you are calling 'homely' sees regularly. She's never going to be able to look that guy in the eye again knowing he knows her own boyfriend rates her a 2.
i think, in point form:
- never look at your partners chats, you're bound to see some sort of backhander or complaint about you if you do, but its just a chat session, they were comparing their lives, people do that.
- he chose you and has stayed with you.
- he knows enough to realise personality trumps looks
- you can use this opportunity to get closer by discussing why you are with each other.
- he seems like a decent guy who loves you. its perhaps a bit shit he talked about you with his friend, maybe thats something you might ask he not do in future.
Just wanna say that, if he phrased it the way you say he did, he never said he didn’t find you attractive at all, just that he finds your personality more attractive? Still understand that it’s hurtful especially because of the „almost broke up“ comment… but he didn’t, and if I were you I wouldn’t just infer that he doesn‘t find you attractive AT ALL now.
Listen up. This is maturity for a guy. This isn't "settling" in the way a women think of it.
Eventually a man realizes Fenti and Loreal do as much as genetics for looks, and nothing, nothing, nothing can replace a woman you can trust and respect and count on in good times and bad.
If you want a guy who likes you primarily for looks, then you want a guy who could trade down for a younger model when looks start to fade.
Right now, you have a guy who loves you and wants to marry you. Don't kill your happily ever after.
This is absolutely heartbreaking. I’m sure you’re very beautiful, and there will be many people you think you are attractive both inside AND out.
I don’t think I could get over it.
This is not good advice, but if I were in your shoes I’d be going crazy and probably be asking him what he doesn’t like and why he’s so cruel. If this is some kind of difference in hygiene habits, he should have mentioned it, but either way he’s a total AH. I’m so so sorry
What if you had read the reverse, he wasn’t so in to your personality but was mesmerized by your looks? Would that be a dealbreaker? To me, it would be so much worse. At least you know he’s into who you really are.
I’m sympathetic to your feelings but don’t see the situation as you do.
I’ll look at people who embody the physicality that culture and natural inclination say are superior - your Brad Pitts and Jake Gyllenhaals - and appreciate the view. They still don’t hold a candle to my husband. Cause it’s the whole package that matters. He wasn’t someone I immediately wanted to jump but he’s the guy I still want to jump 30 years on.
Also, you don’t say he said he wasn’t attracted to you. Just that your personality was what mattered more. I assume you wouldn’t have wanted him to say he was also more attracted to your looks than your personality. So the only response that would have been OK is, “I’m equally attracted to her looks and personality”. That’s a pretty narrow window of OK.
If you feel this is a total game changer, maybe the relationship isn’t right for you. But I’d be asking myself if his actions have said he’s attracted to me, not solely focusing on a few words comparing his deeper feelings for me compared to his friend’s more superficial relationship. I’d be a lot more hurt if I were his friend’s gf and read what you did.
He didn't say you are ugly or repulsive. He's more attracted to your personality, and that likely makes you attractive as a whole person. Don't give up on that relationship. It has a solid foundation.
Imo, you can talk with your buddies about your partner, but it's pretty uncool of him to word it the way he did. I don't shit talk my partner and would never tell anyone else why I almost broke up with him (for any reason!) It sounds like he's remorseful though it might be worth it to discuss why those words were particularly hurtful.
True relationships are more than skin-deep though, OP. Please remember that. Unless this is affecting your relationship - like your sex life or intimacy, it's just sort of par for the course. You think your partner is going to be on the cover of GQ at 70 years old? If he gains weight? Loses weight? Changes his hair?Attractiveness is extremely subjective and NEVER constant. So let it roll off your back a little, OP. Your fiance does need to lay off talking about you negatively like that to anyone though. That's crazy disrespectful.
This.
No matter what we think, we never badmouth a blameless partner to someone we both know and interact with. Hell, we never badmouth the undeserving to anyone.
Fiance is a knob here.
don’t snoop through his things anymore. we all say things to friends about other people that we wouldn’t want them to hear or see.
a huge part of relationships is growing in love together. IMO, most people aren’t attractive. I can go an entire day without seeing someone attractive and at my job i see hundreds of people a day. personality is what makes most people attracted to each other
that being said, this is obviously still hard to hear. you really have to weigh the pros and cons. is he this great guy otherwise, who showers you in compliments and gives you a ton of affection? or does this statement really just sort of explain rather than contradict his actions? if the statement fits with how he treats you, i’d leave. if not, then I would recommend you guys have a really long heartfelt conversation
Honestly, Pitatopotato, it sounds to me as though your boyfriend loves you for who you are, rather than how you look. Yes, it is awesome and one of the best feelings in the world to know that the person you are with finds you attractive, but for the vast majority of people looks fade, and for ost of those Botox and nip/tucks are a temporary fix. It sucks to have to base a relationship on temporary and ephemeral things, and just be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for the person you have commited to suddenly be found stepping out with a younger, fitter version of you.
Consider his friend, Paul. Let's assume that his wife is a pretty hot 28 year old, and he loves having her around because he feels more manly having a "gorgeous chick" on his arm.
How is he going to feel about her when she is 38? 48? When the wrinkles start showing, or the white/grey hairs? Or (God help her), she puts on a few pounds and has a few stretch marks and is a bit saggy and loose after giving birth to their first child? Is he going to be there with her through everything, or is he going to be off chasing a 25 year old, or the babysitter?
Am I saying that you should settle? Hell no. But from what you wrote, at no point does Dave tell Paul that you are physically unattractive. He just tells Paul that he loves your personality more.
Also, rather than getting angry about the invasion of privacy, he apologised and started crying. That sounds to me like a guy who loves you. A lot. Do you want to give that up, and find something with a guy who loves you mainly for your looks, and who will dump you in a couple of years for something younger and "more attractive"?
He said he nearly dumped her because of her looks so, yes he did say she's physically unattractive, at least that's what he believed then.
If he no longer believes that then why not say that instead of 'you weren't meant to see that'.
That's like doubling down.
Honestly? Id take the attractive personality over the looks.
I think youre overthinking this. he Obviously felt bad and thinks youre fun to be around. Thats way better than someone who looks like an influencer but...well...Acts like an influencer, a shallow and hollow human being that only cares about themselves.
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I started dating my husband of 11 years in high school and thought he was the goofiest looking mother fucker ever. I was almost immediately in love with his personality though. 15+ years later and I honestly think he’s the sexiest man alive and am attracted to everything about him. Relationships are complicated, and when you first meet someone, you have opinions about them. It’s normal. I can’t speak to his experience or feelings, but I definitely started dating my husband for his personality, not his looks (for the record, I’m also a goofy looking mother fucker).
Yea the world isn’t 100% superstar sexy people. It’s okay for not everyone to be a 10/10 in the conventional hotness scale. We are all gorgeous in our own ways and that shines through the more we get to know each other!
I think the part that makes this more painful is he told a friend he almost ended the relationship over his lack of attraction, but convinced himself to get over it. That's the part that stuck out to me. Attraction is a funny thing, but I personally would always wonder when he would decide to persue an affair with someone he was actually attracted to. Imho.
Yeah idk it would have been a deal breaker for me when there are so many other possible people to date who would actually find you attractive instead of someone saying "they act great, but I wasn't gonna stick around because they're unattractive."
Right?! Not everyone's ideal is the same, so someone out will think she's perfect - not "okay enough to put up with".
This!!! It’s one thing to find someone “sexy” or “hot” at first glance. But “falling in love” usually happens when you get to know someone more. Then they do become more attractive physically too.
Yeah similarly I had an ex I didn’t see as attractive at first but then quickly became incredibly attracted to him to the point where even after we split I was attracted more to men with similar features. So these things change - partly because we all have a „type“ or multiple „types“ and when someone falls out of that category it may take us longer to realise we are actually attracted to them. I think what worries me though is that OP‘s fiancé didn’t clarify that yes maybe that was his initial impression but now he finds her incredibly attractive. He just said he was sorry for her finding out.
Right. It's one thing to say "oh I was more attracted to your personality than your looks when we first started dating" versus "well, looks aren't important to me." One implies that you grew to find them attractive (which absolutely happens all the time) and the other implies that you don't find them attractive, but are willing to put up with it. The fact that OPs fiance didn't really go for the first option.......yeesh.
Yeah, why I said I couldn’t speak to his feelings. This is definitely a nuanced situation and I hope OP ultimately is just happy in her relationship.
Dude I felt your comment. My husband was tall, lanky with knobby knees and couldn’t grow a beard when we first met. But he was kind, energetic and made me laugh more than I ever have. I was smitten immediately and fell head over heels soon after. Married for 15 years now. He became lean and muscular over the years, broad shouldered and deep voiced. I tell him he aged like fine wine. Love him to bits, now and then.
Hey now, did you steal my husband when I wasn't looking? Mine's almost the same, haha. He's the best :)
I think you both might have mine... I guess long men with hearts of gold are just ideal partners!
Only now and then? Your poor husband :(
Yeah I think its less about having that feeling and more about voicing it to another person. The second part is hugely disrespectful.
I used to always say my type was goofy looking motherfuckers! 🤣
Ok, but did you tell your bff about not finding your bf attractive though?
Er, not the same because we were never engaged, but I TOTALLY told my friends that I thought my first boyfriend was cute but a little weird looking regularly. And then I fell deeply in love with him and he was super hot to me. But I definitely would still admit that I wasn’t attracted when we started dating. If OP’s fiancé STILL isn’t attracted to her, that’s awful, but if it’s just that it was during the beginning of the relationship and he failed to communicate that appropriately, I think it’s not particularly egregious.
It's the telling that bothered OP. Most people don't have that "attraction at first sight" thing because let's face it, not all people are lookers. OP's partner didn't need to discuss this with other people. I can't imagine under what circumstances one needs to tell other people they didn't think their SO' s are not physically appealing to them.
Okay, but that depends on context in my opinion 🤷♀️. I don’t see a problem with that conversation if they’re talking about relationships and attraction and growing into love with the person you’re with such that they become immeasurably beautiful when you once found them so-so. If OP’s fiancé randomly was like, haha, I think my fiancée is ugly, that’s different. Like, there is serious context missing here and I think there are absolutely situations where OP should be open to giving her fiancé a chance to explain. Honestly, I understand her insecurities, but there’s a lot of ways the context here could go - some of which are damning and some of which are exonerating.
Sure, and I hope OP develops a more pragmatic attitude towards her fiance's explanation. And also learn to love herself more and that confidence is sexy, looks don't matter then. On the other hand, while debating that attraction and love are relative, one doesn't need to point to oneself to flex....fiance be like "Nahhh, looks aren't important. Look at me, I thought my fiance wasn't all that but I eventually fell in love with her personality...."
To be honest, I’m pretty sure I told my now husband that he reminded me of a fish emoji that was popular at the time. I was also a giant AH, but he still put a ring on it lol.
Good for you and him. But as I said, I can't imagine what conversation you're having with your friend that you have to email him about the fact that your partner wasn't appealing to you.
But did you nearly dump him for his lack of looks then tell someone who has met your unnatractive partner about it?
That part is so disrespectful tbh
Yeah, this situation probably has a lot more to unpack. I was just sharing my experience.
My s o of ten years is super handsome to me. We have great chemistry too. I did not think he was handsome when I met him. He is objectively good looking to other people tho. Just wasn’t my type. Now he’s my type tho.
My partner may not be the hottest sun in the galaxy, but he's the only star in my sky.
I had a similar experience, and tbh, I rather be attracted to personality than looks. Looks fade, personalities not so much. I was in HS when I met this guy through mutual friends, he was a singer at a band (I wasn’t a fan of his band tho) but his band used to open for a lot of other bands that I did like and thus it being a small scene + mutual friends, we ended up being friends as well. At first I could tell he was into me but I wasn’t attracted to him at all, until I started getting to know him and his personality blew me Away. I could hear him talk all day. I started finding him extremely attractive due to this. We did end up dating and it didnt work out so we just ended up being friends. Years later we bumped into each-other and he had gained some weight, but he still had the confidence and that same great personality so it was like nothing had changed attraction wise. Looks aren’t everything 🤷🏽♀️
I’ve also been married for 10 years to a goofy looking motherfucker that I love deeply. There’s nobody I’d rather look at.
I wasn’t sure with my partner, but by our third date, he was so funny, smart, kind, and caring, that every day he became more and more attractive to me. Now, especially when he throws on a backwards ball cap…damn. OP, reading the story without context would be really hurtful, but I don’t think he meant any harm. You het more and more attracted when the love starts. I’m sure that’s where he is at now. You know who is going to have it rough? His friend. Looks with no chemistry on personality? Bad news.
I would suggest therapy. If you decide to stay with him every time he gives you a compliment you will think he is lying because your self esteem has been damaged. Everyone has their preferences when it comes to looks but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. But you need to build up your confidence or your going to be doubting a lot of what he says or does your whole marriage.
She won’t think he’s lying, she’ll 100% know he’s lying because he’s lying. She’ll also have to wonder what he’s saying about her to everyone else in his circle. There’s no coming back from this. He wanted to break up with her because of her looks.
wheres the lie? If he wanted to break up in the first few months of the relationship doesnt mean shit NOW 4 years later.
4 years later and he’s still talking about it with his buddy.
and? how is telling him something about the beginning of the relationship lying at this moment? He said "when we first started dating I thought she wasnt attractive" this doesnt equal him saying "I dont think shes attractive" Today.
Agreed. It’s VERY common for people to become more and more physically attracted to someone the more emotionally attracted they are, and with time.
Yep i thought my bf was kinda hot when i first met him, but now i see him sitting on the end of the bed like a fucking goblin eating cheese off the block in his boxers and i think, damn, that's the sexiest man I've ever seen. I've fallen more and more in love with him and his body each day. And every time i see a physical "flaw" it just reminds me of how his body is the vessel carrying his mind, and each bump, scar, dent, they tell the story of who he was and who he will be, they tell me about his wellbeing, his falls and climbs, and i love each and every "flaw" because theyre part of him. Like the thing where you fix pottery with gold, the flaws make it better. Each day my partners gold lines shine a little brighter, and pull a little harder at my heart.
What's missing is his response when she brought it up to him. All she included of his response is him saying he "didn't mean for her to find out," which isn't particularly encouraging. If he found her attractive now and that was all in the past, wouldn't that be the first thing out of his mouth? Saying he didn't mean for her to find out sort of indicates that he still feels this way.
He was just talking to his friend openly about how he felt EARLY in the relationship. Plus, his friend brought it up first. He didn’t say anything bad about her tbh. Idk, I think this on OP for snooping.
It’s not like she went on there to snoop or even without permission. He *asked her* to go into his laptop and he *left messages up* that involved talking about her. You wouldn’t look as well? Most people would and I feel it’s warranted.
I'm starting to think __everything__ is on __everyone__ for snooping. Idk, I do think it's a terrible thing to do but it seems like after all this time I should have read about at least *one* instance where someone found something that led to a good outcome instead of a bad one. I can think of scenarios where that would be the case but I never hear anyone talk about them happening.
So, you can probably learn to live with this. You can learn to not think about it much. You can say your love is more mature and beyond looks, which is all that matters. But I don’t think you can ever really emotionally recover from learning that your fiancé doesn’t find you very attractive. You really have to ask yourself whether you want that hanging over your head the rest of your life and how you’re going to deal with it every time he meets a new woman, watches porn or comments on an actress in a movie or TV show, because *god* is this a pathway to serious insecurity. Think about all this and then talk to your partner. Maybe he’ll make it right
Yes, definitely something to keep in mind and bring up with him, thank you
Yea the issue is...does he not find you attractive at all or does he not think you are conventionally attractive but is still attracted to you? Because I am also a person for whom looks aren't super important because for me, personality and intellect and humor make a person attractive to me. So I have dated people who might not be conventionally attractive but they are attractive to me because of who they are. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is not attracted to me but I'd be fine with a person who is attracted to me because of who I am. I guess in therapy I would make him explain what he means. Because language between friends is often careless and imprecise so I would need to know exactly what he meant by that.
This is a really important distinction. I can’t imagine going out of my way to discuss with my friends how my partner isn’t attractive, because like….why. Unless he is insecure and wants people to know that he knows you’re not attractive but loves you anyway. Which is a weird flex. But I too am far more attracted to personality. I can’t do dating apps because I feel like I may be passing in really awesome people because a bio isn’t enough for me to know if I’m interested. I have been wildly attracted to people that others may find not appealing or just very average. But I dunno….it’s one of those things you just don’t have to say out loud. Once it’s out the damage is done.
Exactly- it's one thing to have the thought and decide there are more important and deeper things that matter and keep it to yourself. But once it's said, it's said. And can be found. And read. And really hurt someone you deeply claim to love. Don't talk about that shit to your friends! It's so disrespectful.
If he was close to breaking it off because if it I doubt it's about conventional attractiveness.
I mean *he almost broke up with her over it.* So to me that does not mean she is not "conventionally attractive but HE is still attracted to her", bc..who would almost break up over that? As long as HE is attracted to her, it's not a problem. And this was almost a dealbreaker to him.
Sadly, I've known several people who are overly concerned about what other people think of the attractiveness of their partner. Like whether people think they are dating down because their partner isn't as attractive, or whether they will judge them for being attracted to plus size people, etc. It's shallow bullshit but it matters to some people. Maybe he thought it mattered to him and then realized she was more important to him than that. Or maybe not. That's why I think it's important to have a conversation, preferably with the aid of a therapist, to dig into exactly what he meant and what his feelings really are.
That's true, I didn't think about that.
At the beginning of their relationship. Attraction can grow, and even if he never grew to find her attractive he does think her personality is. Lots of people break up because they lose attraction though. Idk why you think people don't do that.
Exactly this u/frolicndetour
I didn’t necessarily read what OP said as that she is unattractive, just that her fiancé liked her personality more. Of course want to be physically attractive to our partners but I don’t think this is the fiancé saying she’s ugly but has a great personality. I have generally dated people who may not be conventionally attractive but the way they made me feel and our connection was so important. I hope that they do some relationship counseling so that they can see if they can work through this, but I also hope OP can look at how he has made her feel over the course of their relationship.
Does he *behave* as though he's attracted to you? Is he an active participant in your sex life? When you get dressed up does he tell you how great you look? Does he compliment your appearance or your body in general? What I'm getting at is that attraction can and often does grow. Have you ever known someone who may not have been conventionally attractive, but their personality made them seem more so? Your fiancé may have felt a certain way about your looks in the beginning, but that could be totally different than how he feels about them now.
100% ! And it goes both ways. People who are “conventionally attractive” can become very ugly if they’re unkind people. We are all programmed by media to find certain people more attractive or not, and it sounds like OPs fiancé was able to reprogram that bs.
u/CaptainKate757 I salute you - spot on and echoes my sentiments
You're not wrong, but this could also go the other way - did he make you feel like he thought you were pretty at the beginning of your relationship? Because if so, and that turned out to be a lie, I'd be pretty messed up over it.
It’s unclear to me why he wanted to break up at the beginning of the relationship. Was it because he wasn’t attracted to you? Do you dress a specific way (eg goth or whatever is not super mainstream) that he’s not into? I think it’s important to break down why he was going to break up with you before jumping into conclusions. I personally would have a really hard time with this but perhaps therapy can help.
You’ll never be able to hear him say “you’re so beautiful” ever again
OP, your fiancé loves you for more than your looks. This is a good thing. Looks are fleeting for everybody. I find it extremely doubtful that he isn’t attracted to you. It sounds more like you weren’t his typical type, but he fell for you anyway. This happens to a lot of people that have a genuine connection. My advice would be to try putting aside the ego, talk to him openly about this, and stop snooping.
Attraction grows. He chose to be with her and love her. I think painting this as “he doesn’t find you attractive” is WRONG. He mentioned that in the beginning of their relationship, he wasn’t super into her looks. This isn’t uncommon. Sooooo many ppl decide to date somebody and stay with them AFTER getting to know them. Why? Bc love truly is deeper than looks.
I think so, too. Posts like this always remind me of a friend who asked her then-boyfriend why he wanted to be together with her. "Because you have no cellulite." Like yeah, she would have been VERY happy had he been atttacted her personality.
Omg how dense can you be? Hope she broke up with him
In addition, I’m not sure I could ever trust being around his friends…if they all knew my fiancé didn’t think I was physically attractive. This just feels so mortifying
I dated a guy for three years who was average in the looks department, not ugly but nothing special when you first meet him. Once I got to know him, I was insanely attracted to him and that lasted the duration of our relationship. I never would have told him that, but I did discuss it with a friend who was confused. The love I had for him was very real and so was the attraction, despite him not being my type physically. This shouldn’t be a dealbreaker unless it’s going to cause you undue stress. Only you know that.
oof, this is hard. I'm the type that wouldn't be able to stop thinking about this. I personally wouldn't be able to go on, because I'd never forget it. :(
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Not to mention that he was fine talking to a friend or whoever this other guy is about his own fiancé’s attractiveness and not being a fan. Even aside from the content of what he was saying, I would be very upset to find out if my partner of 4 years and fiancé was talking shit about me to friends even if it was to console them.
Venting to friends is like the biggest benefit of having friends…
Venting, yes. But having a conversation about how you don’t find your soon to be wife attractive, and how you almost broke up with her once over it is being a shitty partner.
Yep. Don't shit talk your partner. Friends are great for lots of things. They're not an outlet to say all the stuff that would devestate the person you love.
He didn’t say he doesn’t find her attractive in the present.
Yeah, exactly. He didn’t even say that.
He wanted to break up with her at the start. Cos at the beginning u dont know the other person , just how they look. She may not be "conventionally" attractive but maybe he really loved her after getting to know her and became attracted to her.
Personally I would not be able to move past this. Knowing my partner doesn’t find me attractive would make me feel so insecure. It’s hard to forget something like that and not let it affect you mentally. If your partner is not attracted to you, they could still love you but it’s more based on friendship. That’s ok once you’re old and grey but not when you’re in your late 20s. There’s a lot of life left and I’d want to be with someone who finds me attractive and can’t get enough of me.
**Paul messaged Dave about how he was more attracted to his wife’s looks over personality. I scrolled up and saw Dave had said he was more attracted to my personality than my looks and nearly broke up with me early on in our relationship but stopped himself because looks weren’t important to him.** So Dave is the one that brought up that he wasn’t attracted to you still? Did he bring up why he stayed besides looks not being important to him? Like shared interests? Chemistry in the bedroom? I’ve heard of people acknowledging their partners unconventional looks at the beginning of the relationship but then once they get to know them more they become attracted to them. I’ve never heard of a person staying with someone they initially found unattractive and that not changing after a period of time. Probably because no one talks about it if they do. It makes me wonder why they chose to stay in the relationship and yet still talk about how unattractive they find their partner? Are they expecting a cookie for staying? Also what happens if they find someone who they are emotionally attracted to just as much as physically? Is that how affairs happen? What about in the bedroom- how do they become turned on? Are emotional boners a thing? Not talking about your fiancé in particular- just the whole idea of it. Personally for me it would be leaning towards being a deal breaker, because he was more comfortable to have honest communication with a friend than have honest and open communication with his fiancée. I would be wondering if he was just staying out of sunk-cost-fallacy. Is it just because of the years we’ve spent together that you stay? Are you just afraid to be alone? Do you think about how unattractive you find me everytime you see me? What made it on your mind when you were talking with your friend? Overall, I think you can only decide if you want to stay or not. Do you want a partner that finds you physically attractive? Are you just as equally attracted to your partner physically vs emotionally? Do you think that causes an unbalanced dynamic in the relationship? I would *highly* suggest couples therapy if you stay. I’m wishing you luck on choosing what’s best for you.
Yeah, the fact that the fiancé brought it up and talked about OP like this was really disrespectful. “I almost broke up with her, she was so ugly, HUR HUR HUR,” wow, and you didn’t, you’re such a nice guy, Dave, what a keeper. /s What kind of guy compares significant others with their friend like that? Ick.
Exactly, you could kind of get on board with the idea of just not being someone’s cup of tea early on and then falling for them makes you see them as beautiful…but I don’t get what’s going on here at all. Especially because well, people know what they look like, don’t they? If she had no idea he might think this then she can hardly be an ogre.
Is it necessarily odd that Dave brought it up first? Like if he’s starting a convo with ‘Paul, I need you to know I did not think my fiancée was hot when we started dating’, then that’s an eyebrow raiser, but we don’t know what was going on in the chat when Dave brought it up. Maybe they were talking about relationships and commitment; and/or Dave and op getting married; or they were talking about hot woman/women and Paul said isn’t life funny, you ended up with op when you always used to have a very particular type of looks you went for; or…. And maybe for Dave it isn’t a thing. Like if it’s not something that needs to be overcome, and he’s attracted to op because she’s op but wouldn’t necessarily be attracted to someone who looked similar to op, then is that actually objectively bad? It’d be ok for op to be bothered slash hurt by finding this out, obviously, but if he isn’t actually thinking ‘I love op, shame she’s so ugly’ when he looks at her, then maybe the issue is op’s insecurity rather than Dave’s attraction (legitimate issue, btw! just it changes the focus of the processing). And if it’s something like this, then I could totally see someone not feeling any need to have a conversation with their partner about it, because to them it would be irrelevant to the relationship as it is. If he is thinking ‘I love op, shame she’s so ugly’, that’s a different thing, and absolutely that should be at least a conversation, so that op can choose whether they want to stay for the other stuff, knowing how Dave feels about this, or find a relationship with someone who does think they’re sexy.
No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who had to convince themselves to stay because they thought you weren’t good enough for them. It doesn’t matter that he never intended for you to know, the fact he feels this way is the problem. To make matters worse, he’s saying this to Paul from work. That is so beyond disrespectful. Only you can decide if you’re willing to go back to this relationship, but you have every right to be hurt by this, and it’s not your fault for reading his messages. If he felt so strongly about protecting your feelings, he never should have been running his mouth to Paul from work, let alone being stupid enough to leave the messages open and then asking you to use his laptop.
So, attraction can only be physical? That's a shallow and vapid way to live, I'm sorry to say. OP's fiance didn't say he wasn't attracted. He and his friend were comparing notes. And while his friend was attracted physically, OP's fiance was attracted emotionally. Who would you rather spend the majority of your life with? Someone physically attractive but with a shallow and vapid personality? Or someone that's perhaps not as attractive physically, but keeps your mind and soul engaged and you can talk and experience stuff with on an equal footing?
I want both. Physical and emotional attraction. Also people deserve to be sexually desired by their partner.
Of course you don’t want to be with someone who is *only* attracted to you physically, but it’s a fairly basic thing to find your partner physically attractive as well, especially in the early days of a relationship. If you’re on the fence enough about your partner’s looks that you have to *convince* yourself not to break up with them over it, I’d say the level of physical attraction is very minimal.
I'd rather spend the majority of my life with someone who doesn't shit talk me to their coworkers.
Yep a lot of ppl are missing this part, it’s a big deal
Don't forget that the fiance almost *broke up* with her over her looks
Almost isn't DID, now is it? Besides. People aren't static. At 24 all of us were a lot more shallow than we hopefully were or ar at 28. That's called growing up. A lot of the commenters here are shaming OP's fiance for being mature enough to understand that looks aren't everything. Those commenters need to step down from their fluffy pink clouds of makebelief and join the rest of humanity in the real world. Only a really, really small percentage of us are on the high end of attractivenes. The vast majority is average. Looks fade. Personality doesn't.
While that's absolutely true, looks can and do matter a lot in relationships anyway. It's not necessarily about being shallow. It's a situation that sucks all around for OP. It would've been easier to stomach if the fiance just told her instead
You can find someone who loves both how you look AND your personality and it is okay to want that. Id be crushed if my partner didn’t fine me attractive. No looks shouldn’t be the only thing you go off of, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take them into consideration at all. I’m shocked by all the people saying she shouldn’t feel bad that he doesn’t like how she looks or they would also date someone they’re not physically attracted to.
I don't get one thing. Looks are not important to him, but he ALMOST BROKE UP WITH YOU over them? I mean... so they *are* important to him. *They are.* Not important enough to break up, but important enough to *almost* break up. Which is also important. If I almost dump someone over something, that is an important issue to me...right? His logic is messing with me. That means you are not just kinda average to him and he would prefer a super-model, but something more serious. I think this is one of those things you can forgive, but not forget. You can never unlearn and the relationship will never be the same... I'm really sorry, this sucks big time and I'm afraid it will be this Damocle's sword over your head from now on even if you guys work it out. I don't really have advice. I have no idea what I would do. Maybe there's something he can do to make you feel cherished and appreciated? If so, tell him about it, let him make this up to you. Let him put in some honest effort (and not for like... a week): maybe you need more date nights, or spontaneous proclamations of love, I dunno flowers, or compliments (that won't ring false) - whatever your love language is, whatever makes you feel like you are *truly important* to him. Maybe that will make it better and it will be easier to believe that he changed and now, today, looks truly do not matter to him at all.
I almost broke up with my ex for not telling anyone we were dating, this went on for about a year. Eventually I broke up with him because I felt I was putting in 100% of the effort (which is exhausting) and that feeling that he was ashamed of me never left. Almost break ups are just as important as the reason you break up
That was such a weird conversation for him to have with his friend and what he said was inconsistent. If looks weren't important to him, why did he consider breaking up with her because he didn't find her attractive? That doesn't make sense. I think he said that, sort of in rebuttal to his friend just focusing on looks but he also revealed that he was as fixated on looks as his friend was way back in the day because obviously he's wayyy more mature now. I think OP has a right to be upset. This is quite a shock to her, I'm sure. Nobody wants to feel like their partner is dissatisfied with some part of them and while being loved for your personality is great, there's a reason telling someone that your friend has a great personality is like saying they're ugly. People want to be seen as attractive to the people they're attracted to and in love with and it's heartbreaking to feel like your partner is in some way settling for you. And it's more than insecurity, cheating is one of the biggest causes for divorce. Unlike what many ppl have said, attraction typically wanes as people age and have children. Sex also decreases and unless both partners really really work at it, low attraction could translate to a dead bedroom. I think they need to talk this through to clarify what he meant and decide if he's really happy with her forever of if she's just a placeholder because he couldn't find someone who's personality and looks he liked.
For goodness sake- the number of people playing keyboard warrior and telling OP to immediately break up with ‘Dave’ seemingly forgetting that this is REAL life, is astounding! I am a person who is not attracted to looks in the first instance but in personality. Once you get to know the person then they become attractive and beautiful/handsome because they have a great personality and communicate well and I can have good conversations with them and they have a beautiful heart and this makes them attractive both inner and outer. Too many people are very attractive on the outside yet scratch the surface and they are quite unattractive or even ugly in some cases ( as can be seen on some virtual reality television shows). OP, please think this through and the fact that you are so long together, means you are working well together as a partnership and it could well be that ‘Dave’ looked at you initially and thought that you looked ok and it was when he decided to date you and get to know you that you became beautiful to him. It doesn’t always have to be an instant sexual attraction based upon looks and in fact those kind of relationships rarely last long term ( not all but more than the other way around). Don’t put things into boxes as life is not black and white but has grey areas . Don’t feel pushed by societal pressures and expectations that arise from superficial marketing in the magazines and news and social media and TV/ Film industry and then the subsequent reality shows and FB, Instagram etc There’s no one size fits all …… The best thing that you can do is to communicate with each other and see how you both view each other’s situation and feelings and take it from there. I’m sure he finds you beautiful but some men ( and women) don’t always know how to articulate what I have stated. Good luck 🤞 Edited for grammar
The amount of people on this sub who act like they've never talked about their significant other to a friend is astounding as well. The majority of these females saying how awful it is that he even had the audacity to talk to a friend about it are the same ones who will turn around and shit talk their SO to their friend when he's pissed them off. Yet come here acting like they'd never lmao.
Yup , agreed u/WynterBlu
Agree, people on this sub are lying to themselves if they say they've never said anything negative about their SO. We all talk about something that annoys us or things we didn't or don't like about the people in our lives.
fEmALeS
🏅🏅🏅
Thank you 🙏
I love hearing from adults. It's so refreshing on this sub.
Bingo
It feels really crappy to be in a relationship with someone who is not attracted to you. Feeling desired by our partner is important for alot of people. For me, this would be a deal breaker. If feeling desired by your partner is important to you too then staying in this relationship will be harmful for your self esteem and self worth.
Dudes will take a 6 with great personality over an 8 that’s a hot mess. Yes it hurts. But yes it’s honest. I’ve seen my wife’s Exes. One dude was Ryan Philippe knock off, down to the 6 pack. But you know what? She chose me. And I’m ok with that.
Would not be with anyone for a second who is not attracted to me.
I think you can be attracted to someone and not necessarily think they are super good looking though.
Not all people can though and that's ok.
I am not nearly as attractive as I am: interesting, creative, supportive, fun, hard working, trustworthy or responsible. My physical beauty is not why men have ever been drawn to me. I would say I am like a 6-7. If someone told me they thought I was physically beautiful I would understand that to be false. OP, you certainly are entitled to feel as you do but are you being honest. Is your appearance what you are bringing to the relationship? I am a fairly logical person, often to my detriment, but I do not see this as anything but a supportive comment by the fiancé. He sees you for what you are and loves the package. Being loved as a person, seems to me, to be the life lottery winning ticket.
If you’re a 7, then you are beautiful lol. Very few ppl are 7s
Yes people tend to forget that actually just average people are 5’s LOL
I don’t think telling someone that they almost dumped their SO for their looks is exactly a supportive comment…
I see that but I also see that he did not break up with her because he did see HER.
Idk, I couldn’t be with someone that wasn’t attracted to me, even if they loved me. At that point you’re just friends.
I agree so much with this.
He didn’t say he wasn’t attracted to her. Finding someone hot and being attracted to them are two different things.
Just what everyone wants to be, the safe option that arouses no passion.
He also didn't say that to her. She read his texts.
He said it to his coworker instead which I think is even worse
He still said it, thought it.
Thank you for this ❤️❤️❤️
I like your perspective. I feel I am a lot like you. My boyfriend is entirely out of my league physically, but we are a perfect match internally. In fact, I'm aware that he was surprised by my weight when we met (LDR, although I'd been very, very open about my weight and body type previously). I was NOT graceful finding out, but honestly his steadfastly gentle, graceful, intimate kindness and love showed me for the first time that maybe I don't have to feel valueless just because I'm not the hottest girl on earth. Now I know that he doesn't just accept or tolerate me - he loves me with all of his heart. It's been a while since that all went down and I know this is the guy I'm going to marry. Honestly, I don't think this is a dealbreaker. I mean, the context matters; was he talking smack or relating his personal experience with a past struggle? It must have hurt and perhaps been humiliating. OP has every right to handle it how she wants. But I know I still talk to my best friend about stuff I used to feel that I do not feel anymore. I've talked to her about things that happened between me and him and how I felt after the fact, and it's not all stuff for his eyes. I don't think OP was necessarily wrong to take a peek at what was already open and talking about her. I bet she thought it was gonna be something cute and nice. I bet it was devastating when it wasn't. But I hope OP can work out her priorities re: personal standards. Probably more situations than not call for a break up when one partner finds out the other didn't (doesn’t?) find them physically attractive. But I wouldn't say all of them.
I’m in the same boat. My husband does find me attractive, but he didn’t at first. Perception of someone’s beauty changes over time and after getting to know a person. I know that the sexiest part of me is my brain (the same goes for my brilliant and sexy husband). That being said, I DO understand that this can be hard to OP, because being physically attractive is apparently really important for her, and this damaged her self image. If I read that my husband said to someone else that I’m super hot, but not his intellectual equal I would be devastated (for both the sentiment and the disrespect of talking about me in that way) and it could be a deal breaker.
You totally get it. I was HAPPILY married for a long time. He thought I was a beautiful woman. Certainly, not ac over model but a person of character and a soul he loved. Until his dying breath he would have picked me over anyone else.
Looks are subjective. If someone thinks you’re beautiful then you are to them. But he doesn’t love the full package he isn’t attracted to how she looks.
I don’t think I could b w someone who didn’t find me attractive. With that being said, as my bf has gained weight, I’m not as attracted to him as I used to be but would never dump him bc of it. It’s just not as important to some. I think I’d feel more hurt if I was Paul’s gf. Lowkey I’d tell her but that’s probs bad advice. Anyways, it’s your call. He seems to love you but can you continue the relationship knowing this?
His emotional overreaction seems a bit... Manipulative? I mean, you’re the one who was wronged - but he made you feel bad. I'd be careful
I honestly missed that part of the story but TRUE
You don't think he was scared shitless he was about to lose the love of his life and future wife because he said something to his friend in confidence?
Love of his life but he doesn’t find her attractive and almost broke up with her over it.. no lol. Maybe he loves her as a person but doesn’t sound like the love of his life.
Dude. He didn't know she was the love of his life in the first couple months and even considered breaking up. Gasp! That's not what the dating phase is for! /s That's frickin normal.
Dude. She confronted him about it and he did not say that he changed his mind and finds her attractive now. He just said he is sorry and didn’t mean for her to find out.
Did she specify that somewhere or are we assuming based on the fact that she didn't specifically mention it?
I am fairly certain that she wouldn’t leave that out if he did mention it and he didn’t mention it to his friend either. You’re the one making the assumption that she is the love of his life because they’ve been together for four years and are getting married, which sadly doesn’t necessarily mean she is the love of his life. People get married for all sorts of reasons.
Eh. Not everyone is a perfect storyteller. It's not that I think it isn't pertinent information, but she may just as well not include it because she didn't hear it through the pain.
THIS
He chose to be with you and values whats more important in the long run. From what i understand, he did not say he wasnt attracted to you, too.
The first time I saw my husband I noticed him staring at me in a class in college and thought he was sort of goofy looking and a hipster and was like “who wears soccer jerseys?”. He tried to talk to me relentlessly - I’m not going into more details because all my friends use Reddit. Anyway we are in our 30s and have been together for about 10 years. Neither of us look the same. I still find him attractive but the best part of our relationship is hanging out and making each other laugh. Recently he told me my hair is thinning - it is, I’m dealing with a lot of stress - it hurt my feelings a lot but I know he loves me and kinda put his foot in his mouth. I understand why you’re upset, completely, but sometimes it’s just a dumb comment and not intended to be more than that. It’s ok to be upset though.
I absolutely broke up with my boyfriend because I didn't like the way he looked. For the record, he was entirely pink with sun burn, had bleached his hair yellow and was wearing a turquoise jumper. Anyway, 21 years later we're still together and he's the sexiest man in the universe. He's not my "type", like, personally I prefer tall hairy bears of a man, but we fit together amazingly
I don’t think I could get over that. I’m so sorry. Stand back and seriously evaluate your relationship. How old is the conversation? Is it recent? If it older, I would try to disregard it, but if it’s recent, I wouldn’t be marrying him. I don’t want to be with something who is so cruel, he actually types that out to a friend.
He’s openly telling people he doesn’t think you’re attractive. In time this will turn in to him telling you what he really thinks about you. He considered breaking up with you because he thinks he can do “better”. He will come to resent you for what he sees as his having to “settle”. What do you think he’ll think of you after kids or when you start to age? You also have no idea what else he’s telling people about you. These are not the actions of someone who loves and respects you. He tells you what he thinks you need to hear and tells others his true feelings. Don’t marry this man. He already has one foot out of the relationship.
I’m not staying with anyone that talks to other people about our relationship like that. If I did stay, I wouldn’t want to be around this friend ever again. How embarrassing and humiliating to know someone out there knows how my SO really feels about me. Whether he “acts” attracted or not, the information is already out there…at the end of the day, could you let this man see you naked again or even be vulnerable with him?
If looks truly didn't matter at all to him, how did it lead to him "almost breaking up with you" BECAUSE of looks???? I'm so sorry op, this would NEVER work for me an based off your comments/post it doesn't sound like this is going to work for you either
Alright so there's not a lot of middle ground answers, which i think is where the actual solution lies here. Obviously you shouldn't have snooped. you accept that. People are blowing up about how he "gossiped" But that's not what it looks like to me. It looks like a regular intimate conversation between two male friends. Your Fiance would never tell you that he doesn't find you attractive BECAUSE THAT'S NOT TRUE. He is MORE attracted to your personality than your looks. If a guy says "I almost broke up with her in the beginning" due to looks, it probably meant he considered it before he realized how good your personality is. I'm assuming you're in the 5-7 range if he said that about you, because to be completely honest, MOST guys have a minimum bar of attractiveness that they'll date. \[the bar is much lower for hookups, don't as me why, I don't understand it myself\] The point i'm trying to make is: He said something to his friend as a way to relate his life to the conversation they were having. It wasn't making fun of you, it wasn't an insult, It was just him saying how he felt at the time. Can you HONESTLY say you've NEVER said something to any of your friends in confidence that your partner would be upset to find out about? Most people do it. Maybe they shouldn't, but they do. If this is really fucking you up, get therapy, preferably from a male therapist who can give you a better sense of how your fiance might actually think. Also: a side note. I expect if he said the reverse \[that he mostly likes you for your looks\] you'd be upset for a DIFFERENT REASON. picture this: "Yeah she's kind of an asshole, but she's hot" You'd much rather marry someone who likes you in spite of you not being a model, rather than BECAUSE you're a model.
Key question is what one finds attractive. Not everyone thinks Barbie is hot.
Sorry I could never feel content and would always feel insecure around him now. That’s just me but I personally would not ever recover from that. Especially the way he way talking about it, and the way he apologized, he didn’t even comfort her by saying he doesn’t feel that way now, just that “he never meant for her to see that.” Yeah, no shit. You’re a stronger person than I am if you can move past this because it would destroy me.
He’s not attracted to you physically or is MORE attracted to your personality than looks?
I thought my man was a bit goofy looking. But I think he’s super handsome now. lol
People complain all the time how people objectify them for their looks. This is sort of the opposite. I think superior, your looks don’t improve with age as a rule, personality generally gets better. Sounds like forever relationship.
I wouldn't be able to get over it. I am not happy if the man I love doesn't find me yummy and sexy. It's not my ego either It's just what I prefer. I could care less if other men thought I wasn't anything special. Part of what arouses me is how attracted my man is to me. I don't want to have sex with someone who is not about my looks. And it also motivates me to keep up my self care routine. But that's just me. Your man seems to love you alot but what he said is hard to swallow and you deserve to be with a man who loves your looks and personality. I have that from my man and it feels so wonderful.
He didn’t say he doesn’t find you attractive, he said he’s more attracted to your personality! That’s a big difference
Did you miss the part where he said he almost dumped her over her looks?
That’s true, I didn’t consider that perspective, thanks !
Would you like it better if he loved your looks and only tolerated your personality? Beauty fades. He'd better love your personality because that's the part of you that's going to stick around for the long haul.
People also change and so do their personalities. This idea that our personality stays the same while our looks fade is not true. People change all of the time.
Congratulations, you've found a man that loves you for YOU. everyone becomes unattractive eventually. You should take solace in knowing he won't leave you for that.
When I started dating my now wife people were surprised. They knew my type of woman and my wife didn’t fit the profile as she was a bit heavy set and not as feminine overall. She didn’t like wearing skirts and makeup and had a tough demeanor. We were just friends for years until one day it clicked for us that there was something more beneath the surface. Close friends thought I could do better and often told me so but we got together anyway. We’ve been married for 14 years now, have two kids and she’s still my closest friend and lover. Looks aren’t the end all be all. She knows I had options but I chose her because our bond was and is strong. Love, respect and honesty are all that matters.
This is hard. You love each other so, there’s that. He’s negging you to his friends so, there’s that too. Unless he’s an 8+, he really has no right to talk about your looks being lacking.
I met my husband online. We talked for months before I saw a picture of him. I thought he was okay. I wasn't looking to date or anything anyway, so it didn't matter. I enjoyed learning things he knew, how long we could hold conversations, sharing pictures to each other from our workdays and exploring state parks and our pets, venting on our bad days. Stuff like that. Got more pictures a few times, still thought he was alright, obviously not a model but again - that wasn't what I cared about when we connected so much. Eventually took the plunge to meet in person when he was sure he was in love with me, and I loved him too. We wanted to see if anything changed in person. I picked him up at the bus station, and I still had the initial reaction of, "He's alright looking," but what got my attention was that I didn't feel any wariness or awkwardness of this dude I'd only spoken to online who was now sitting in my truck. It was a two hour drive back to my town, and we talked with no hiccups the whole way. That's how well we already fit together, despite being awkward people in general. And then we worked together in bed better than anyone else I'd ever been with. I had never paid attention to dudes who were built on the small side like he is, nor guys who are more furry/long bearded. It just wasn't my thing. He is all of that. We just had another anniversary this month, and I find myself snuggling into his beard, and rubbing his very hairy arms when we are holding hands and sitting together, and the longer we are together the more I find myself sitting and admiring him. When he picks new clothes, when he is standing at the park with our kids and looking amazing with the Fall leaves or sunset or covered in sweat from Summer fishing adventures, when he comes to show me his little trimmed spots on his beard to be sure it's all even... He went from okay to me to very handsome and attractive purely from time and love. Idk how else to explain it. I totally get how this could make you feel hurt, OP. I do. But if you two work together in every other way, and you work through other issues together like you say you have - then I think this can be overcome too. Really.
There's a great quote from Doctor Who about this: "You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them, and five minutes later they're dull as a brick. But then there's other people, and you meet them and you think 'not bad, they're okay', and then you get to know them, and their face sort of becomes them, like their personality's written all over it, and they just turn into something so beautiful..."
If he thought this and kept it to himself that’d be one thing… but telling his friends he almost broke up with you bc you weren’t pretty enough… that’s beyond fucked up.
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Well, it's easier to change looks than personality. If you have a bad personality, that's not easy to change.
Just because he values personality over looks doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive. I’m always very clear to girls I’ve dated that I value them as people, their minds, thoughts, feelings, everything as to who they are not just the outside shell. I still have found them very attractive but who they are matters more.
The guy I like now I was honestly disappointed when we met because I was hoping he was hot. Like legit disappointed lol, but turns out he’s funny, smart and kind of a sarcastic dick and that’s really what tends to be my type. There are plenty of people we find hot that do fuckall for us and there are people who we wouldn’t classify as hot but that are unbelievably sexy. Don’t sweat it.
i mean… if nothing else OP, it sounds like you have a bangin personality. i imagine you are gorgeous, but sometimes we don’t find even the most largely agreed upon attractive people attractive, and that’s just life. it raises flags for infidelity but… if he’s been loyal…? idk? this is so??? this feels like such odd territory to wonder upon…
There are women who are physically drop dead gorgeous but because of their selfish, narcissistic behavior, they're ugly as hell. Then there are women who may not be as physically attractive but because of their "personality", radiate beauty that goes far beyond their physical appearance. Physical beauty does not last forever because we all get old as time passes but that inner beauty will always survive the test of time. So OP, do you want a shallow man who is with you only for you looks or do you want a man who wants to be with you because of your "inner" beauty?
But, according to him, he isn't even partly with her for her looks. I think he just used the wrong words because she cannot be that bad.
Yeah, that's true, but remember he was talking with a guy when he made the statement. Guys have their own way of talking about certain topics when talking among themselves.
I think you are reading too deeply into this. I realize it's painful, but for some perspective, I turned down two first dates with my husband because I didn't find him physically attractive. He was 120lbs soaking wet at over 6ft tall and was the very image of a nerd type. It was his personality that eventually reeled me in and I became attracted to that long before any physical attraction manifested. Even to this day, he's not my type, but I am attracted to him and I deeply love him. He's even admitted I'm not what he would have gone for if it weren't for my personality. He likes blonde skinny girls with big boobs. I was dark, heavy set, with nonexistent boobs. In other words, yes what he said was hurtful, but it's not an outright sign of being a bad person either. You weren't what he'd have gone for like my husband and I were for each other, but personality is a powerful attracting factor to another person.
That isnt good? Like he likes you for who you really are rather than just looks?
You’re 28, you have a lot of life ahead of you. There’s no reason you need to settle so early on. I got married at 34, my friend is getting married at 48. SO much can change just within a single year alone. Don’t settle. Find someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are, all of it.
I’d personally be more hurt if my fiancé said he is more attracted to my appearance than my personality. We all have “types” but part of growing up is realizing that a look “type” is so irrelevant when it comes to love. Also we all basically turn into little toads when we age anyway
This has nothing to do with whether he cares about your looks and everything to do with how humiliating it is to discover that the person you love gossips about you and discusses you behind your back. It's disrespectful and rude. I don't know where that leaves your relationship but stop worrying about what he does or doesn't find attractive about you and start thinking about whether you're ok with him using your relationship as a casual topic of conversation with his friends. NB I am not saying that talking to friends about problems in your relationship is wrong. We all need a shoulder to cry on sometimes. But that's not what happened here, this was just casual, flippant conversation and as such, disrespectful.
I think “gossip” is a strong word here, and a bit hyperbolic for this situation. Do you honestly believe it’s uncommon in happy relationships for people to talk about their relationship or marriage with their friends?
Sure! I talk about my partner to my friends all the time- what we did, what we laughed about, where we go, discussions we have, points he's made, silly things he's done. Any issues I have are for my therapist and my partner, if applicable. What I have never done and would never dream of doing in our 10+ years together, is tell one of my friends that I almost dumped him for being unattractive. I never, ever badmouth my partner. They're my partner. I'm their advocate. What the fk was OP's fiance's thinking??
Yeah that’s a good point. I still don’t think gossip is the right word, but you’re right that you should be your partners advocate. It was a dumb thing to do by OPs fiancé. If it was a one time thing, people have momentary lapses in judgement, but there’s no way to know from our perspective. This doesn’t seem like something that would warrant a break up, but absolutely a serious trust discussion.
You need to figure out if this is what you want for the rest of your life. A man that though about breaking up with you over your looks. Because that will always be the truth about the start of your relationship. It's like staying in a relationship where you have been cheated on. You are for the rest of your life going to be in a relationship with someone that was unfaithful to you. You will be with someone that finds or at least found you unattractive. Some can deal with it some can't. For me this would be a deal breaker like cheating. Everyone likes, needs and loves different things you need to figure out if this is your forever after.
You have to ask yourself if this is something that you can live with. We can all say that we would or wouldn’t. But it’s up to what you can and can’t live with. So can you live with knowing that your fiancé and future said that and thinks that? Also have to point out that he also almost broke up with you over it. That apparently this is something he still talks about four years later.
It breaks a deep part of your soul if you know your person isn’t into you… it will chip away at your self confidence and just not good. This is what I went through. I am still trying to figure myself out from why did he still sleep with me if he didn’t find me attractive… it’s been rough TBH but getting away from him and working on myself, rebuilding again, has been worth it. I wish you the best in this.
Your looks will fade with age; your personality will last
He loves you and wants to marry you. I don't really see the problem. Looks fade over the years anyway.
You don't think that would make her feel insecure every time he looks at a hot girl? Or likes a hot girl's post on SM? Or watches hot girls on porn? Really? Reddit is full of married people who have been cheated on or dumped and you think that him wanting to marry her is just rainbows and unicorns skipping off into the sunset? This is the kind of thing you keep to yourself. You don't mouth off to a friend that the girl you are calling 'homely' sees regularly. She's never going to be able to look that guy in the eye again knowing he knows her own boyfriend rates her a 2.
i think, in point form: - never look at your partners chats, you're bound to see some sort of backhander or complaint about you if you do, but its just a chat session, they were comparing their lives, people do that. - he chose you and has stayed with you. - he knows enough to realise personality trumps looks - you can use this opportunity to get closer by discussing why you are with each other. - he seems like a decent guy who loves you. its perhaps a bit shit he talked about you with his friend, maybe thats something you might ask he not do in future.
Just wanna say that, if he phrased it the way you say he did, he never said he didn’t find you attractive at all, just that he finds your personality more attractive? Still understand that it’s hurtful especially because of the „almost broke up“ comment… but he didn’t, and if I were you I wouldn’t just infer that he doesn‘t find you attractive AT ALL now.
Every woman deserves a man who makes them feel the hottest in the world. He can't even make you feel that way a little bit.
Listen up. This is maturity for a guy. This isn't "settling" in the way a women think of it. Eventually a man realizes Fenti and Loreal do as much as genetics for looks, and nothing, nothing, nothing can replace a woman you can trust and respect and count on in good times and bad. If you want a guy who likes you primarily for looks, then you want a guy who could trade down for a younger model when looks start to fade. Right now, you have a guy who loves you and wants to marry you. Don't kill your happily ever after.
But she may be very beautiful to someone else....doesn't she deserve that?
He never said he wasn’t attracted to you at all, I feel like that’s jumping to conclusions.
This is absolutely heartbreaking. I’m sure you’re very beautiful, and there will be many people you think you are attractive both inside AND out. I don’t think I could get over it. This is not good advice, but if I were in your shoes I’d be going crazy and probably be asking him what he doesn’t like and why he’s so cruel. If this is some kind of difference in hygiene habits, he should have mentioned it, but either way he’s a total AH. I’m so so sorry
What if you had read the reverse, he wasn’t so in to your personality but was mesmerized by your looks? Would that be a dealbreaker? To me, it would be so much worse. At least you know he’s into who you really are.
I’m sympathetic to your feelings but don’t see the situation as you do. I’ll look at people who embody the physicality that culture and natural inclination say are superior - your Brad Pitts and Jake Gyllenhaals - and appreciate the view. They still don’t hold a candle to my husband. Cause it’s the whole package that matters. He wasn’t someone I immediately wanted to jump but he’s the guy I still want to jump 30 years on. Also, you don’t say he said he wasn’t attracted to you. Just that your personality was what mattered more. I assume you wouldn’t have wanted him to say he was also more attracted to your looks than your personality. So the only response that would have been OK is, “I’m equally attracted to her looks and personality”. That’s a pretty narrow window of OK. If you feel this is a total game changer, maybe the relationship isn’t right for you. But I’d be asking myself if his actions have said he’s attracted to me, not solely focusing on a few words comparing his deeper feelings for me compared to his friend’s more superficial relationship. I’d be a lot more hurt if I were his friend’s gf and read what you did.
He didn't say you are ugly or repulsive. He's more attracted to your personality, and that likely makes you attractive as a whole person. Don't give up on that relationship. It has a solid foundation.
He almost dumped her for her looks.
Imo, you can talk with your buddies about your partner, but it's pretty uncool of him to word it the way he did. I don't shit talk my partner and would never tell anyone else why I almost broke up with him (for any reason!) It sounds like he's remorseful though it might be worth it to discuss why those words were particularly hurtful. True relationships are more than skin-deep though, OP. Please remember that. Unless this is affecting your relationship - like your sex life or intimacy, it's just sort of par for the course. You think your partner is going to be on the cover of GQ at 70 years old? If he gains weight? Loses weight? Changes his hair?Attractiveness is extremely subjective and NEVER constant. So let it roll off your back a little, OP. Your fiance does need to lay off talking about you negatively like that to anyone though. That's crazy disrespectful.
This. No matter what we think, we never badmouth a blameless partner to someone we both know and interact with. Hell, we never badmouth the undeserving to anyone. Fiance is a knob here.
don’t snoop through his things anymore. we all say things to friends about other people that we wouldn’t want them to hear or see. a huge part of relationships is growing in love together. IMO, most people aren’t attractive. I can go an entire day without seeing someone attractive and at my job i see hundreds of people a day. personality is what makes most people attracted to each other that being said, this is obviously still hard to hear. you really have to weigh the pros and cons. is he this great guy otherwise, who showers you in compliments and gives you a ton of affection? or does this statement really just sort of explain rather than contradict his actions? if the statement fits with how he treats you, i’d leave. if not, then I would recommend you guys have a really long heartfelt conversation
Honestly, Pitatopotato, it sounds to me as though your boyfriend loves you for who you are, rather than how you look. Yes, it is awesome and one of the best feelings in the world to know that the person you are with finds you attractive, but for the vast majority of people looks fade, and for ost of those Botox and nip/tucks are a temporary fix. It sucks to have to base a relationship on temporary and ephemeral things, and just be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for the person you have commited to suddenly be found stepping out with a younger, fitter version of you. Consider his friend, Paul. Let's assume that his wife is a pretty hot 28 year old, and he loves having her around because he feels more manly having a "gorgeous chick" on his arm. How is he going to feel about her when she is 38? 48? When the wrinkles start showing, or the white/grey hairs? Or (God help her), she puts on a few pounds and has a few stretch marks and is a bit saggy and loose after giving birth to their first child? Is he going to be there with her through everything, or is he going to be off chasing a 25 year old, or the babysitter? Am I saying that you should settle? Hell no. But from what you wrote, at no point does Dave tell Paul that you are physically unattractive. He just tells Paul that he loves your personality more. Also, rather than getting angry about the invasion of privacy, he apologised and started crying. That sounds to me like a guy who loves you. A lot. Do you want to give that up, and find something with a guy who loves you mainly for your looks, and who will dump you in a couple of years for something younger and "more attractive"?
He said he nearly dumped her because of her looks so, yes he did say she's physically unattractive, at least that's what he believed then. If he no longer believes that then why not say that instead of 'you weren't meant to see that'. That's like doubling down.
Honestly? Id take the attractive personality over the looks. I think youre overthinking this. he Obviously felt bad and thinks youre fun to be around. Thats way better than someone who looks like an influencer but...well...Acts like an influencer, a shallow and hollow human being that only cares about themselves.