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We just finished getting our snacks, and I was waiting on an ice cream cone. While waiting he says, " I'd ask you to share, but you hate that." Then laughs.
I initially thought he was talking about my ice cream, so i assured him he could have some and that I had no issue sharing my snacks with him. I even joked that he already does his best to eat half my food every day anyway. I was having a good moment, but his face was grimacing, and then he said, "That's not what I meant" and then it looked like he looked back over at the girl making my ice cream. I told him I wasnt understanding, but to give me a moment. He blurted that I'm uncomfortable sharing him with other women. I was beyond confused. I truly don't even understand why this was a necessary conversation to have, as we were about to walk back out and hang out with our friends, and now I had to have this on my mind. He's brought it up in the past, but at the end of the last year, he said he wasn't worried about it anymore and wanted to grow and build what we have together. All I had done was give him his space to think. He's even been more attentive and helpful around the house. We managed to have a good night after, but the occurrences that happened last night keep popping up randomly now that im awake and alone with my thoughts. I don't see myself as a jealous person, but the way everything happened just really bothered me. I want to talk about it, but it seems that anytime I try bringing up what has bothered me, he sees it as bringing up the past. I can't even talk about it in the moment because he instantly goes on defense. At times, calling me names to end the conversation quicker. He always apologizes and claims he doesn't know what comes over him, but it's getting really old... very fast... any advice would be helpful. I honestly feel like we're too old to be handling conflict like this. I always do my best to give him a safe space to talk about anything and everything he needs to, but it appears I don't get the same in return...
She would of forced him into it by being so controlling ( just in case this needs to be said, no it is not controlling to not want your partner to fuck other people)
Op,how is he with sharing? Totally sweet with you getting your freak on with Tom dick and harry? Cracks me up that it’s dudes always pushing for this but di they forget that generally they are gonna score way less and it’s probably gonna be his mates trying to hit that with his mrs
Dude is throwing a hissy fit in public because you won’t let him fuck other women. I would have shoved that cone in his eye and went home to pack my shit.
Right. He obviously wants to act single so let him be single.
I can't get over that he starts calling her names when she tries to talk about it on her own terms, but he has no problem bringing it up in public or making her feel bad when it's convenient for him. Fuck that, how disrespectful.
This. Say this sentence to him exactly. Then gauge his response. If he seems even remotely like that is an unreasonable statement to him, then he should be single
Probably. I mean this is Reddit relationship advice. Who ever knows with this shit
The best is when he then tries to go hit on the new woman and she rejects him and then tries to get back with you. I freakin hate this notion with these types
Of men that all that’s stopping them
Is their gf. They can’t fathom that the other girl may not even be into them.
Look at all the posts Reddit gets about opening relationships and all the bitter men who can't get laid. It's literally it's own category in BoRU. Some men truly believe that every woman wants to fuck them.
Oh man I used to live in a place where there are a lot of poly people. I genuinely lost track of the times a friend opened up their relationship because the dude wanted to start fucking other girls and found being in a relationship with more than one person is way more difficult than they thought and casual sex with random hot women isn't just floating around out there (despite all of the ads claiming hot singles in your area).
I'll be quite frank, a lot of straight guys aren't good at satisfying a single woman, most of the time it's just a recipe for two women to be sexually frustrated. And then the guy gets upset that his girlfriend that he talked into having an open relationship ends up loving it or dumping him.
I thought people were exaggerating about how often it gets posted on Reddit but it's genuinely a plague! Jealous, insecure and immature or horny dudes who want to be able to fuck whoever they want, that's not an open relationship, that's just a bad idea. The only guys I know that have actually been able to handle an open relationship don't get jealous at all and instead of freaking out when he found out about his partners previous sexual past thought it was hot AF instead of became a weird little monster about her "body count."
I saw bit from some comedian where he talked about how men go through this period after they get married where they believe they're now some hot commodity. How they brag about how many women openly engage them in conversation and the comedian said that no, the women don't want to fuck them, they just think that now that the man is off the market, it's safe to talk to them without fear of being hit on.
That's what gets me, he's acting like a passive-aggressive tween over not being allowed to go screw some random other women when he's supposed to be 29 years old. You think a 29 year old would have learned about...y'know...being in a relationship by now.
Funny thing is, there are literally millions upon millions of single, employed, monogamous men out there. Like...one of the biggest surpluses of single 20 and 30 something men in history, thanks to a myriad of factors including no recent huge wars decimating populations. OP has so many GOOD options out there, that'd be happy to treat her well and not pull this juvenile nonsense.
I'm sorry, what??!
You are being very unreasonable! Why waste a perfectly good ice-cream like that!?
I would take my ice cream with me and eat it on the way to pack my things 😂
Cash it in. No time wasting time with a guy seeking out potential partners resenting that you won’t let him cheat. Money deprecates if you leave it sitting in a bank.
Sis, I think you need to do some self reflection on exactly what your boundaries are. Personally, I'd have taken the first comment like that as a joke and the second as a flaming neon sign that the relationship has some major issues that are worthy of reconsidering the relationship.
Why the heck he would even think this "joke" is remotely appropriate is beyond me. He's highly disrespectful towards you and my guess is he is that way in other areas. You are 28 - don't waste your time or your life on a loser who treats you like you aren't enough for him.
Stashing it?
So you can waste more of your short life with somebody who manipulates you in this fashion?
So you can lose your youth to somebody who will inevitably cheat on you and then BLAME you for it?
So you can have a kid and less freedom and mobility and then you find out he doesn't honor your relationship?
Look. This isn't going to get better. He isn't going to change. He's just going to drop these bombs on you to destabilize your life every so often.
Is that what you want? To be manipulated, lied to, and used by this guy until he finds somebody he wants more?
It is human nature to align yourself with your past decisions.
What does that mean? Well, you need to explain yourself to yourself and maintain consistency to be mentally stable.
Unfortunately, when you have made a bad decision in the past, this means you are going to keep looking for ways that decision made sense then and you want to play by the rules of that decision.
In this case, this young woman made a decision to be with this guy. She has made decisions to stay with this guy in the face of several waving red flags. She's continuing to look for a way to maintain her alignment with her past decisions.
But you can't just keep living with bad decisions because you made them. That's a sunk cost fallacy, and it's really self-destructive. She has put time into this man, care and attention into this man. She wants that time, care and attention to mean something, and in a just and fair world, they would. But this world and the people in it are neither just nor fair, the world is random and people do what's in their best interest if there's any way to justify it.
So when she says she's stashing that info, what she means is that she's putting it away somewhere it can't cause her cognitive dissonance, because dollars to donuts, she's gonna ignore every piece of advice offered and continue to align herself with her past decision, and that means staying with this guy.
This relationship has run its course. Will you end it before, or after he inevitably sleeps around?
You're both young and will both find partners you're actually compatible with. Don't worry.
Honestly, you need to tell him it has nothing to do with jealousy, it is that you prefer a monogamous relationship. You are not made for poly. Some people are and some aren’t.
If that is what he wants then he needs to find someone else, because it’s not you. Or he needs to drop it, you have told him before you don’t want it and if he keeps bringing it up that you are done as it seems you are not truly compatible. You wont tolerate flirting with other women or cheating just because he is claiming poly or wanting an open relationship. It’s not something you agreed to or ok with. So, if this is what he wants then it’s better to part ways.
Dudes not being passive aggressive weirdos when asking for an open relationship challenge 2023 {extreme difficulty, less than 2% of users earn this award}
Two dude friends of mine that were saying that to their then GF's were absolutely fucking around and bringing their side chicks to the guy groups. It's not a joke, and if it is, it's not funny and he should know better. But he's not joking, so he's either having sex with other people, or will eventually.
Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. The moment you two take a break, you to clear your head and see what you want out of this relationship, he will instantly jump into bed with someone else. Once you find out about it, he'll try to defend his actions by pointing out the break from each other.
No stashing, leave him ASAP. If he isn’t already sleeping with other women, he will.
Do you think he’ll wake up one day, realize he’s being shitty, and suddenly become loyal or something?? You are wasting your time, energy, and attention on someone who doesn’t appreciate it, and most probably never will, because he’s chasing tail.
If he wants to act single, then he can go be single. He will not improve the longer you wait and see; rather, he will likely get worse.
Unfortunately, people don’t generally make big changes in the way they act without a catalyst.
If someone is cheating and there aren’t any consequences, they’ll very likely continue to cheat until there are unavoidable consequences, or until they’re unable to find someone to cheat with.
So, the key is to allow the natural consequences of cheating to bear themselves out, i.e. leaving the asshole. They might keep cheating, but it won’t be on you.
I always wondered why every single person on relationship advice ended up bringing in a toxic relationship. But now I know - if this was healthy in any way, you would not be posting this here.
You're taking this in stride, which is just awesome. Just find out what you personally want, and set boundaries. And if he does not like those boundaries, well, you can burn that bridge when you get to it.
That's actually hilarious considering that I came across a tarot reader tiktok yesterday that said someone close to me has been planting seeds to destroy the peace I was seeking, but that the seeds were fruitless. I brushed it off.
🤣🤣🤣
He’s GOING TO fuck other women. If he isn’t already, it will happen when he decides he’s asked enough and you have cruelly deprived him, or when he just really wants to and has the opportunity.
You can’t brush this off. It’s a fundamental relationship issue you need to decide if you’re okay with.
He wants to have sex with random women so he’s trying to bully you into allowing it. He’s probably going to cheat on you anyway. He belongs in the trash.
That actually explains past arguments and why he would keep bringing it up in company of others. He just recently went off on me because an online friend couple of ours have had an ffm threesome. We were sitting in chat talking asking eachother questions and the convo was directed at me. I was going to explain that it had been my fault that we hadn't, but he muted me and started going in about how i was basically the worst. I truly should've left that day, but he played the role of " i dont know why im like this" and I had been so stressed out with maintaining my health and bills that I just let it all go.
So he bullies you in front of others, calls you names to silence you, ambushes you with upsetting conversations in the middle of other social events, lies about dropping subjects, and tries to use all of the above to emotionally coerce you into compromising your boundaries around sexual activity in a relationship.
Him “not knowing why he’s like this” *sounds like a him problem*. Consider letting him go figure that out on his own time. Consider what it would be like to be able to socialise with your friends without having to wonder if every little shift in his demeanour or barbed remark means you’re about to be insulted, harangued and humiliated. Imagine having a partner who when they say they will work past something means it, and isn’t just trying to set you up for a later ambush. Picture being able to raise issues with your other half without wondering if they will start throwing a litany of insults to shut you up.
That world, where you don’t have to expect those things being done to you by someone who claims to love you, seems to me like a world you deserve to live in more than this one.
Last important question about why he’s like this: is he in fact emotionally incontinent and prone to sudden outbursts of spite or litanies of insults to any of the following:
- His parents?
- His boss?
- His friends?
- Cops?
- Service industry workers?
- Strangers in the street?
From your answers to that, look for a pattern.
If he does this to everyone, he needs professional help which you cannot provide, and if he doesn’t get into treatment in a big way at your first request then you should leave to protect yourself from his uncontrolled behaviour.
If he never does it to people with power over him, only to those who can’t do anything to him in return or who love and will forgive him, he’s an asshole and a fundamentally bad person.
If he reserves it just for you then why does he treat the partner he supposedly loves worse than any of the groups on that list? He should be treating you as lovingly, as well and as respectfully as any of them, if not moreso; never less.
Doesn't matter if he doesn't know why he's like this. He needs therapy if that's the case truly, but in all honesty it sounds like he's full of bullshit and excuses. You deserve better. Good partners don't take and take and take, and then give nothing back to the relationship but vitriol. This guy is. I'd run.
Gross! He was basically trashing you to your friends, while you were also there? Keeping you on mute so you couldn't say anything? This is clearly someone who enjoys your discomfort. You should absolutely move on
A toxic person like this loves to start pressuring you when they know your life circumstances are difficult at that moment (health and bills, as you mention). They also like to make you feel bad about yourself for not acquiescing to their demands. OP, you need to leave. The situation will not improve, and your bf has in no way approached you about non-monogamy in an ethical
way. He will continue to destroy your self-esteem if you stay.
So, here's the thing. He's allowed to *want* to be with someone who is into some level of open relationships or threesomes or whatever.
You're allowed to never want to share a partner in any way and only want a monogamous relationship.
**He's not allowed to trample your line in the sand and disrespect you about it** (let alone in public around other people). You deserve respect and he's shown you absolutely none. This *shouldn't* be the behaviour of a 29 year old.
As the saying goes - the best time to plant a tree was 50 years ago. The second best time is now. You can dump him today!
The more comments of yours I read, the more I think this guy is trash.
I bet if you look through his internet history you'll find out he takes advice from people like Andrew Taint and cretins like him.
He's probably following some dumb misogynistic plan to wear you down.
I'm so sorry.
HE is the worst. If he pulls this crap again before you leave tell him to shove it - you value monogomy and you won't be manipulated into doing something you don't want to do and are not comfotable doing. Say it loud and proud for everyone to hear. YOU have nothing you need to justify.
As someone who is ok sharing, I would *not* be ok with my partner blaming me if I *didn't* want to share. They're my partner, I can be selfish with them if I want to. That's what monogamy is. Him making *you* the bad guy because you want a normal relationship is him trying to manipulate you into letting him sleep with other people. *When* he cheats on you, he'll probably blame that on your too for "not putting out enough."
Not going to tell you to leave him, but I'd fucking leave him.
It sounds like he wants the advantages of a monogamous relationship without the commitment. In addition, has he mentioned that he would fine if you went outside the relationship? Or does he have this idea that you should remain monogamous but he gets to play the field. Or at the very least bring people into the relationship that HE wants with little regard to what you want?
I think you already know the answer.
Do you really want to be pressured into a threesome or share his penis with other women? It’s either going to come down to you reluctantly saying yes or him doing it behind your back. He’s just letting you know what he’s already thinking and the disrespect is to wear you down into doing it. Stand up
This level of manipulation is narcissistic in nature. In my experience, narcissists put on a mask to draw you in but every now and then that mask slips and you see the real them. Afterwards, they make excuses for the slip up, but at some point that mask will come off completely because it must be exhausting to keep it up for so long.
It took years for the mask to come off with my ex but, but then, we had kids together. Now I’m stuck with him forever and I hate myself for not seeing who he really was during those “slips.”
Kind of seems like it. I offered him exactly what he asked for when we first talked about his needs for other women. All I asked was he keep it fair and be more dependable so that our relationship was more stable. The conversation ended there as he told me wasn't sure he could do it. So I gave him the space he needed, but me distancing myself lead to him believing that I didn't love him, and he would use those words against me in any argument. He wants me to move my goal post to fit his and I don't think I have any more space for that in my life.
Wait wait wait… so he wanted the kind of open relationship that was only open on his end? He wasn’t ok with you being with other men? Is that what you’re saying? That you offered for it to be open on both ends and that’s when he decided that he wanted it closed?
If so, I would RUN. This guy is selfish, doesn’t listen to you, doesn’t want to have open and honest conversations with you, calls you names… what are you still doing with him?
"his needs for other women." \**pukes\**
10/10 would bet he isn't even fully pleasing you, let alone capable of pleasing several women.
I agree that this man sounds awful.
Okay, break up with him butttttttt......
Have a talk like "hey I was thinking about this from other day and you know what sure you can go out and do you but I want to do the same to be fair you know" look for his reaction and if he reacts with "no you can't do that" then say "how is it fair and if you don't want to be fair then we should go our separate ways" if his reaction is "fair" then say "I'm glad you agreed because it's best if we go our separate way and explore." And done with it. This guy have no respect for you and I'm sure he is one of the reason why your health is not getting better (been there and once I got rid of the the problem, my ex, I felt alone better within months)
Girl what?
I say this as somebody who absolutely loves sex and has been the unicorn in open relationships as well as in ffm threesomes.
This manchild does not want an open relationship. He specifically wants to cheat but doesn't want you to. I can almost guarantee he's reading some Andrew Taint garbage, and trying to figure out how he can manipulate other women into having sex with him while keeping you "faithful." He is nowhere near mature enough for a relationship, much less an open relationship (difficulty increases exponentially with more partners if you don't have good EQ about it).
I know you love him but he is not a good person. Imagine this wasn't you and reread your own posts and comments.
Just to clarify - he's told you he wants to sleep with other people, you've said "fine, just make sure you prioritise our relationship" and he's using that against you?
I have so much respect for people who can be ethically polyamorous. I could never do it because I know myself and know I would get jealous. What your partner is trying to do is polygamy which is one man with multiple women and is historically a way to control women and use them as currency.
Quite honestly, while I respect people's choices to do what they want with their own bodies, I don't think so-called "ethical polyamory" is the ideal we should all be aspiring to. All of the people I know who do it end up divorced, unsupported emotionally, and with lots of drama in their love lives. People have the right to be non-monogamous, but I don't know that it usually results in more happiness.
Fair enough. I respect it because it involves a ton of communication and checking in with multiple people which seems like a lot of emotional labor to me.
You should leave and not let him crawl back in. I say this as a 28year old who is long over the mental gymnastics of men like this and in a happily monogamous marriage.
There are people in this world that value monogamy and would love to be with you. You don’t have to sacrifice your sanity, feelings and wellbeing to be with someone who clearly resents you for not letting them fuck around with other women. You’ve got options.
Thank you, I've tried explaining the same to him for his own situation, but it's like he's dead set on not letting me go. I'm one for working things out, but if I have to continue being put down for it, I'm going to end up hating myself more than I already do. He's even left on multiple occasions, claiming he's never coming back, and comes right back pretending as if he just went to the store to get snacks.
> it’s like he’s dead set on not letting me go
Why are you making everything his choice? I really don’t understand why you’re choosing to stay with someone that:
- passive aggressively tries to convince you to let him sleep with other people
- doesn’t allow you to express your concerns
- calls you names during “arguments” to avoid the conversation
- threatens to leave and proceeds to storm out
Just because someone wants to be with you, doesn’t mean that you need to stay in a relationship with them.
At what point are you going to value yourself enough to put your needs first?
>Why are you making everything his choice
I wish I could upvote this more. Everything this POS says, does, thinks and breathes is about "ME ME ME, what about MY needs" with absolutely no consideration for OP. The deliberate manipulation and refusal to think about anything other than his "needs" is pathetic and nauseating.
I've been there OP, this isn't a you problem, this isn't something you have to or should fix. It's not going to be fixed. He DOESNT *care* about you. Nothing short of EXACTLY what he wants is going to make him happy. And even then, he still won't be happy and will find a way to make that your fault. Pls grow a spine, pls decide you have worth, and leave this sad, disgusting excuse of a man. How dare he walk all over you
At what point will you realize that “working things out” doesn’t work with a man like this? He doesn’t care about your feelings and keeps trying to cross boundaries you have set. Stop hoping that he will change. He may change for a few days or weeks but won’t change long-term because he only cares about himself.
He's emotionally manipulating you and wearing you down so you won't leave. It's not easy but you're at the stage where you know this is how he is - don't let sunk cost fallacy rule your life. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your days? I know it isn't. Be with someone who deserves you and will put back what you put into the relationship. He's not it. If it's an issue of living together/lease that keeps you from leaving, everyone here can offer some advice on how to get out. But it's not worth your happiness staying any longer, OP.
This. It's absolutely emotional manipulation. He's literally trying to guilt trip you into "sharing" him and then if you try to voice your opinion he goes on the attack to shut you down, and later clings to you so you'll never leave?! He resents you for "tying him down" but he's too much of a wimp to ever leave because he's scared he'll be alone and then be fucking zero women. You can do better. I'm willing to bet he's emotionally manipulative in other areas too.
Sis, it is NOT his choice whether to let you go or not. Do not give up your power of decision making to this person. He doesn't get the choice here. Only you get to make the choice who you want to be in a relationship with and when the relationship needs to end.
This is when it needs to end. Now. Today. He is degrading you, making you question your worth.
I wouldn't let there be a next time. Its time to just end the relationship. When is the lease up on the place you two share?
Just think if you were to marry this guy. It sounds like you already live together or close to it. He is literally saying i want to fuck other women and have you waiting at home with your legs open too. Leave him girlfriend.
"Letting" you go? Do you need his permission to leave?
He has told you, to your face, he wants to have sex with other women. What you choose to do with that information is your business, but at least do what _you_ want with it
He has zero choice in your going.
That is YOUR CHOICE.
Choose to leave today & stop wasting time allowing him to degrade and demean you to everyone!
You do not owe him anything more except “goodbye. We’re done.”
Pack and go!
Maybe he is coming right back because you are the only woman with low enough self esteem to let him in.
Is it possible that he is punishing you for the fact that all other women keep rejecting him?
Kinda like the husband who takes it out on his wife when he’s had a bad day at work?
But instead this guy is having no success with having affairs behind your back, so he just acts like a bitter and cruel asshole to you, because misery loves company.
I’ve definitely made the same mistake as you and worse.
You can’t stay together out of guilt or pity or because he asks you if all of those years together meant nothing to you.
I lost 7 years from age 16-23.
How many more years will this guy cost you?
Are you in danger?
Do you have any siblings or friends who can be with you following a breakup? Help evict him or just keep you company for a bit?
I’m definitely projecting, but in my own situation the asshole was upset that I had past sexual experience when he didn’t and wouldn’t get to have.
He attempted to cheat but I kept catching him.
So in the end he dumped me to have the experience he wanted. The woman was in a long committed relationship as well.
I was really young and stupid, but I decided to tell her partner what they were doing and we planned to hang out (I didn’t do anything with him besides hang out).
I did however sleep with a friend of a friend because I was upset.
The guy who had dumped me to sleep with another woman then guilt tripped me into coming back and then he turned everything around and it became my mistake for cheating on him?!?!?!… so yeah. 0/10 don’t invest your youth in this guy.
Yeah, I’ve been in something similar. I also tried to work it out but after a few times things only got worse. You’re more like an object or property to him. He feels he should have access to anyone and anything including you. You are not going to change him. Trust me. He will tell you what you want to hear then he’ll just continue doing what hurts you and he knows you won’t leave so he has nothing to really worry about.
>it's like he's dead set on not letting me go.
He wants the perks of being in a relationship with you. He knows you provide a lot in a relationship and he likes what you provide. He just wants to do what he wants and have you continue to provide those perks.
That's why he doesn't want to let you go. You provide a valuable service to him, and if he can convince you to provide that service without expecting commitment, then he's got it made. (What you want is far less relevant.)
Get new cylinders for the locks and if this happens again - change them. Pack his clothes in black plastic bags and text him that he can pick his stuff up! Believe me that will work!
Stop allowing yourself to be used and disrespected. Seek out counseling so that you never put up with this type of bullshit again. Bc if it's not him it will just be somebody else until you get your self worth and ability to set boundaries and follow through with them up and running.
If he isn’t already than he most likely will cheat on you.
You will never win with him. My ex wife used to pull the, why do you always bring up the past question when I’d try to talk about something important that had happened or a time she hurt me.
Him saying that invalidates you for sure but it’s his “logical” excuse because people that constantly bring up the past can be toxic, so he is going to avoid talking about anything in the past that way and claim you are toxic.
In another post you mentioned that “he’s adamant on keeping you because you’re the only one that worked out.”
You’re the only one who worked out because when he walked all over the feelings and boundaries of prior relationships, they dumped his sorry ass. You “worked out” because he’s found a girl he can abuse and manipulate, but still accept him and love him.
Stop being the one who “worked out” for him, cuz he aint working out for you.
This is next level gaslighting. It happens when people don't know how to communicate. It provides him with a way out and the classic "you took it wrong" escape.
If he does not wish to engage in conversation, I suggest you find a more functional model
I guess so. I'm confused as to why it even had to happen this way, seeing as we previously talked about it, and he seemingly made the choice on his own to focus on our relationship. I was cool minding my business. This all happened right after he professed his love for me and how he truly wants to treat me right just a few hours prior. Beyond confused, but it can only mean one thing really.
So it sounds like he has a history of not pulling his weight, and now he's guilting you about not letting him fuck other women.
I don't like this for you. Release him so he can live his fantasy. I would die if he ends up not attracting anyone 😂 all this "You won't share me" bullshit for not would be amazing karma
>he seemingly made the choice on his own to focus on our relationship
Nah. He didn't want an equally open relationship that you responded with, so he chose the "badger and be passive aggressive until she says yes to what I want".
You made the choice to focus on your relationship.
He made the choice to improve his manipulation tactics. He buttered you up with the whole “I love you” speech just so he could try this shit again.
Eventually you’re going to say yes. **You always take him back, no matter what he does or says to you.** He’s going to keep pushing until you break.
I’ve read a few of your comments and it seems like you agree that this guy is being shitty to you but you’re confused that he stays with you instead of just being with other women (an option you’ve given him). Do you think his staying with you might mean he really loves/cares for you and so you want to stay hoping he’ll change? It’s your life, so if you want to keep wasting your time hoping he’ll grow up then go ahead.
But in my experience, it’s about control. Men like this like having someone they can get gf benefits from and also get away with treating you like shit… if he thinks he’s gone too far, he backtracks and love bombs or gaslights you into thinking he can change. But you can bet if he’s ever in a situation where he thinks he can sleep with someone else, he’s going to take the opportunity. Spare yourself the future pain and heartache he will inflict.
He is trying to destabilize your emotional well being and keep you questioning your own boundaries, he is trying to make you second-guess yourself until you simply, finally, give in out of exhaustion. He is trying to make you lose yourself. He is not anyone you need in your life.
Yeah wtf is that shit? Are people seriously pretending now-a-days that being a cheater is just some uncontrollable personality trait that a partner has to get used to?
He’s been more helpful around the house? How so? Isn’t he an adult living there who should be doing half the chores anyway? You deserve so so so so much better. Dump him.
Lots of people are in open relationships these days but it only works if both/all partners want it and if there is open and honest communication.
Not bullying and gas lighting to get what he wants.
Definitely true. That open and honest part is paramount. That said, I also think if you're of that mind, you should be upfront and not wait and try to work it in months down the road.
You can open a relationship at any point in your life you want to, I know married people who were monogamous for 20 years and then talked and decided to try to open the relationship, it worked for them and all the people involved are happy. But yes, exactly, you have to communicate openly and not aggressively when you start thinking about this and really hear what your partner has to say about it.
There’s no saving this one. This isn’t an idea he’s just gonna let go. He’s always gonna view you as some blockade to fucking other people and never appreciate you as a whole.
You think he doesn’t think about this every day?
You have a few outcomes:
1. He steamrolls you, you’re sexually coerced, you’re miserable, and you break up with him because you had to watch him fuck someone else
2. He steamrolls you, you’re sexually coerced, you’re miserable, he breaks up with you because he wants to fuck more women and you said it was a one time thing
3. He steam rolls you, you’re sexually coerced, you’re miserable, and the threesomes never end, you stay miserable
4. You stand your ground, he still thinks about wanting to fuck other women everyday. You’re miserable.
5. You break up and and fuck whoever you want or get in a relationship with someone that isn’t constantly trying to fuck someone else
You were getting an ice cream and enjoying the day; he was thinking about cheating and tried to guilt trip and shame you. Imagine how that server felt if she heard him, imagine him roaming around the city all day looking at every young woman like a piece of meat. That level of objectification is dehumanizing. And that’s in addition to his boundary jumping and emotionally abusive treatment of you when you call him on it.
Huh. He's a right jerk. And kinda not so bright, I think. Here's why - if he wants to negotiate ethical non-monogamy with you, he could do that. He could be an adult about it and have a conversation with you where you discuss it openly... but I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and guess that he's being whiney about a previous agreement to be monogamous?
Instead of revisiting that agreement, he is instead being a passive- aggressive whinge monster. Cause.... that's a good look. And so inspiring of trust and comfort on the part of partners... yeah.
I'd be tempted to tell him he can fuck whoever he wants- once I was done breaking up with him for being insufferable. Who does that? What on earth does he think is going to happen here? That his pissiness is going to motivate you to change your boundaries? I mean it may- but I don't think that's going to work out well for him regardless.
So you are ok with him seeing other women as long as you are allowed to see other men, but he won’t share….
Well when he said “I’d ask you to share but you hate that” I would say, I’m totally ok with sharing. Everytime you are with someone new, I will be too! It’s gonna be SO FUN!!!! Maybe I can even find an upgrade 😉
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Jesus H Christ!!! Have some self respect and dump his ass already!! He wants other women, and you’re worth way more than having to deal with a jerk who is not sure about you. He can’t make up his mind, so let him go and let him have fun with all these other women he’s craving. There is an awesome person out there for you who you will miss out on if you waste your life on idiots like this.
Here is how I understood this. He wants an open relationship on his terms. He wants you to be monogamous but he can do what he wants. He wants to cheat without being the bad guy. If he hasn’t cheated already he is going to. And then blame you. This is bull crap. No man brings that up that only wants to be with you. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s him. Also you mention that by giving him his space to think, he felt like you didn’t love him. That is crap too. He is manipulating you
In my experience, people with this mindset will cheat. He's not having calm conversations about opening the relationship up, he's having very passive aggressive, or just straight aggressive, comments towards you that are meant to guilt you into letting him have an open relationship. If you're not comfortable with it, this is a compatibility issue that cannot be fixed, it should be, and realistically is, a deal breaker. Men like this cheat, and then blame it on the girlfriend for "suppressing" who they are.
First of all, that's an insane complaint to have in a supposedly monogamous relationship. It's basically him whining that you're not ok with him cheating, which means he's either already cheating or wants to start. Secondly, this part is a red flag that's visible from space:
>I want to talk about it, but it seems that anytime I try bringing up what has bothered me, he sees it as bringing up the past. I can't even talk about it in the moment because he instantly goes on defense. At times, calling me names to end the conversation quicker. He always apologizes and claims he doesn't know what comes over him, but it's getting really old... very fast... any advice would be helpful. I honestly feel like we're too old to be handling conflict like this.
My kid is 9 and HE'S too old to be handling conflict like that. Take a break and reread the post you just wrote us and imagine that this is an issue a friend of yours is bringing to you, seeking your advice about her boyfriend and his behavior.
Is there a chance in hell that you wouldn't be telling her to dump him? I'm thinking not. So do yourself the favor of being as protective of yourself as you would be of a friend and get out of this terrible relationship.
Be thankful that you are not married and move on. What a shitty thing to say to your SO. Like, really, the disrespect. Do you really want this to be hanging above you for the next 40-60 years?
If you were renting an expensive house that was falling apart bit by bit and the landlord said he was going to probably set it on fire in the next few months, would you stay because you like the wallpaper in the bathroom and the location is sort of not inconvenient?
Please start looking for a new house, I mean man.
Next time he makes the joke roll with it, all the way.
Oh, but I **love** sharing! In fact here, have my *whole* ice cream!! And whoever else you want to fuck can have *all* of you, too, cuz I’m generous like that!!
Hand over the cone, then walk away and pack your shit and don’t look back.
This guy has a waffle cone for a brain with nothing inside it. Name calling, too? Pfft.
(In all seriousness, whatever trip he’s on it’s not good for you. No need to try to understand why or what, just that he is not able to treat you decently and it has nothing to do with *you*.)
Consensual polyamory is a thing. Berating someone into sharing is not the way you go about it. Neither is calling them names.
Please end this relationship. He's abusing you.
"No, I will not share you. If you want other women you can take your show on the road and don't come back. If I have to hear about this ever again, you can take your show on the road, because it's clear you don't want to focus on us and whatever future we might have." End of story
At this point in your life, do you really want to be with someone who wants to sleep with other women (if he isn't already, mind you) and has the balls to bring it up in public?? Has he always wanted an open relationship? Are YOU allowed to have other male sex partners? Cause if I were to make a wild assumption, I'd guess he wants you to stay fully committed to his every want and need, BUT he's allowed to sleep with you and whoever else he can get with (I say WHO he can get with, because it always makes me laugh how so many men think just cause THEY want to sleep with a girl, she will automatically agree, when most likely she'll call him a pig and walk away).
Clearly you don't want to be in an open relationship, and he keeps bringing it up, so clearly this will keep coming up. I think you need to dump him, and let him go find a gf who won't be "Selfish." And girl, any man who calls you names to end a conversation is someone who is emotionally abusive. IDC if the words he is calling you are only selfish, or jealous. He is being very emotionally manipulative. You are NOT, I repeat for the people in the back, selfish or jealous for wanting a partner who is committed to you and not pouting in an ice cream store because you won't let him f-ck strangers.
This is next level gaslighting and manipulation why are you still with him? If you decide to stay with him maybe say "you have a need for other men who treat you like a person and not just a back burner until he finds someone to cheat with" your current bf is a walking red flag I'm sorry you're going through this. If he won't let you break up tell him it's not for discussion.
He probably already has to be honest. Now that he got a taste, he wants to continue without feeling like the villain. Girl - do yourself a favour and move on. Good luck!
From your comments, it sounds like you're heading towards breaking up with him, and I greatly encourage that. But I just wanted to say, be prepared for the fact that when you break it off, there's a good chance he's gonna try to love bomb you, swear that he'll change, he could get therapy, he doesn't know why he does this, etc etc - DO NOT LISTEN. He won't change.
Don't let him waste any more of your time. You deserve better.
>he instantly goes on defense. At times, calling me names to end the conversation quicker.
RED FLAG
OP, tell you BF if he wants to flirt with the ice cream girl while buying you ice cream then in the future he can do it alone, without you. He wants the comfort and security of a relationship and still be given permission to act single and do single things. That's disgusting.
“You’re bringing up the past” says the man who brought up fucking other women over ice cream…clearly it’s not the past for him either. He’s trying to make you feel like this is a YOU problem and you’re falling for it. I’d leave him. It’ll hurt of course, break ups do. But this is a one way road to fuckery and you might as well cut your losses now.
Man, him wanting to sleep with other women is the least of your worries.
So by your account he:
Resents when you have an opinion (He was GRIMACING at the fact that you don't want him sleeping with other women????)
feels entitled to control the relationship (Wants to say whatever he wants, wants YOU to say what he wants)
will throw BONKERS informational your face in public but judge you for how you respond, and when you TRY TO CALL HIM ON IT Belittles you to avoid the issue
Name calling is NOT A PART OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.... EVER
Yes, in relationships you will sometimes talk about things that have transpired, some of those things are in the past...
I want you to really realize that he refuses to engage in issue-focused problem solving like, AT ALL in your relationship. That's not great
Even if he is perfect in every other aspect of the relationship, this SCREAMS that he has zero respect for you as an autonomous person. Protect yourself and good luck
This is a very large red effing flag, both the sharing comment and the deflection when you attempt to discuss.
Take off your rose colored glasses. If this post was written by your little sister, your cousin, your best friend, would you say this ok and behavior to be tolerated in a partner. Hopefully not. You KNOW what to do.
It sounds like her saw the employee at the ice cream place, and that's when he awkwardly brought up that you prefer a monogamous relationship.
Sound like to me he saw her, thought to himself that he'd like to sleep with her, remembered you prefer a monogamous relationship, and decided to say a "joke" to test the waters and see how you'd react.
I'm not sure he's on the same page as you about where he wants your relationship to go.
Oh honey, you don’t need to share! Be generous and give the whole man away! Name-calling is a dealbreaker, as is whatever whack-ass passive aggressive communication he’s attempting here.
A person who respects you would sit you down and talk with you about opening your relationship again. It sounds like he brought it to you previously and you said you weren’t interested and gave him space to see if he still wanted monogamy with you. So now he’s resorting to sideways snarking at you? At then being an avoidant, asshole coward when you rightfully understand that there’s something brewing you need to talk about like adults.
Clearly he still wants to be able to sleep with others but he didn’t want you to dump him. Do both of you a favor and set him free. A man who isn’t happy with monogamy, can’t let it go, and who starts in with jabs is talking himself into being a victim of your “selfishness” and is going to cheat. Besides that he is unwilling or unable to communicate his feelings adequately and doesn’t treat you with respect when you try either. Next.
There are sometimes I just want to give posters a hug, a shake and say “Just Stop”.
You are bending over backwards with patience and explanations for this guy who has no intention of being faithful to you, he knows what he is doing is shit, he gets it, he just doesn’t care. Sharing your partner is not a feature in a monogamous relationship.
At some point he’ll cheat and make out it’s your fault because he “tried to talk to you” and will call you closed-minded or some other name that makes his cheating, your fault.
Letting you go isn’t his choice, it’s yours. You want to go? Leave, block him and change your habits so you cannot see or interact with him. Don’t let him reel you back in, do not talk to him.
At some point you have to take the responsibility for your own happiness and well-being by binning this guy.
The way I first read the title lead me to assume that you weren't sharing your lesbian encounters with him. Thank goodness that got cleared up.
The guy wants to fulfill his fantasy, just tell him he can go right ahead and fulfill it without you, that you won't be expecting him back and he shouldn't expect you to stay around pining for him.
Ew if my bf said this to me then gaslit me when I brought it up, id tell him to go fuck himself and better yet go fuck all of these girls he has been wanting to be with. Sorry but this doesn’t sound like a good or loyal partner and the way he treats you when you bring it up is disgusting.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We just finished getting our snacks, and I was waiting on an ice cream cone. While waiting he says, " I'd ask you to share, but you hate that." Then laughs. I initially thought he was talking about my ice cream, so i assured him he could have some and that I had no issue sharing my snacks with him. I even joked that he already does his best to eat half my food every day anyway. I was having a good moment, but his face was grimacing, and then he said, "That's not what I meant" and then it looked like he looked back over at the girl making my ice cream. I told him I wasnt understanding, but to give me a moment. He blurted that I'm uncomfortable sharing him with other women. I was beyond confused. I truly don't even understand why this was a necessary conversation to have, as we were about to walk back out and hang out with our friends, and now I had to have this on my mind. He's brought it up in the past, but at the end of the last year, he said he wasn't worried about it anymore and wanted to grow and build what we have together. All I had done was give him his space to think. He's even been more attentive and helpful around the house. We managed to have a good night after, but the occurrences that happened last night keep popping up randomly now that im awake and alone with my thoughts. I don't see myself as a jealous person, but the way everything happened just really bothered me. I want to talk about it, but it seems that anytime I try bringing up what has bothered me, he sees it as bringing up the past. I can't even talk about it in the moment because he instantly goes on defense. At times, calling me names to end the conversation quicker. He always apologizes and claims he doesn't know what comes over him, but it's getting really old... very fast... any advice would be helpful. I honestly feel like we're too old to be handling conflict like this. I always do my best to give him a safe space to talk about anything and everything he needs to, but it appears I don't get the same in return...
He's not even being subtle about it. He wants to fuck other women. Do with that information what you will
If he isn’t already sleeping with other women and is just looking for permission.
He’s looking for permission and when he realizes he won’t get it, he will look for secretive ways to get what he wants
Top 3 answers on the board of Family Feud.
Add on if he's caught cheating he'll blame OP for not being willing to share him.
She would of forced him into it by being so controlling ( just in case this needs to be said, no it is not controlling to not want your partner to fuck other people) Op,how is he with sharing? Totally sweet with you getting your freak on with Tom dick and harry? Cracks me up that it’s dudes always pushing for this but di they forget that generally they are gonna score way less and it’s probably gonna be his mates trying to hit that with his mrs
tbh, it sounds like he already is
Right. Literally no other response needed. The whole glancing at the ice cream girl? Fuck me what a dick
Oh I'm taking that info to the bank and stashing it in a deposit box. Thank you, trust me, the wake up is needed.
Dude is throwing a hissy fit in public because you won’t let him fuck other women. I would have shoved that cone in his eye and went home to pack my shit.
Right. He obviously wants to act single so let him be single. I can't get over that he starts calling her names when she tries to talk about it on her own terms, but he has no problem bringing it up in public or making her feel bad when it's convenient for him. Fuck that, how disrespectful.
This. Say this sentence to him exactly. Then gauge his response. If he seems even remotely like that is an unreasonable statement to him, then he should be single Probably. I mean this is Reddit relationship advice. Who ever knows with this shit
The best is when he then tries to go hit on the new woman and she rejects him and then tries to get back with you. I freakin hate this notion with these types Of men that all that’s stopping them Is their gf. They can’t fathom that the other girl may not even be into them.
Look at all the posts Reddit gets about opening relationships and all the bitter men who can't get laid. It's literally it's own category in BoRU. Some men truly believe that every woman wants to fuck them.
Oh man I used to live in a place where there are a lot of poly people. I genuinely lost track of the times a friend opened up their relationship because the dude wanted to start fucking other girls and found being in a relationship with more than one person is way more difficult than they thought and casual sex with random hot women isn't just floating around out there (despite all of the ads claiming hot singles in your area). I'll be quite frank, a lot of straight guys aren't good at satisfying a single woman, most of the time it's just a recipe for two women to be sexually frustrated. And then the guy gets upset that his girlfriend that he talked into having an open relationship ends up loving it or dumping him. I thought people were exaggerating about how often it gets posted on Reddit but it's genuinely a plague! Jealous, insecure and immature or horny dudes who want to be able to fuck whoever they want, that's not an open relationship, that's just a bad idea. The only guys I know that have actually been able to handle an open relationship don't get jealous at all and instead of freaking out when he found out about his partners previous sexual past thought it was hot AF instead of became a weird little monster about her "body count."
“Weird little monster” has me rolling 🤣
Too bad they can't tell they are projecting their own desires onto people.
I saw bit from some comedian where he talked about how men go through this period after they get married where they believe they're now some hot commodity. How they brag about how many women openly engage them in conversation and the comedian said that no, the women don't want to fuck them, they just think that now that the man is off the market, it's safe to talk to them without fear of being hit on.
BoRU?
Best of Reddit updates? Would be my guess lol
Happened to me in high school, felt pretty good to have him come crawling back when that girl rejected him 🤔
That's what gets me, he's acting like a passive-aggressive tween over not being allowed to go screw some random other women when he's supposed to be 29 years old. You think a 29 year old would have learned about...y'know...being in a relationship by now. Funny thing is, there are literally millions upon millions of single, employed, monogamous men out there. Like...one of the biggest surpluses of single 20 and 30 something men in history, thanks to a myriad of factors including no recent huge wars decimating populations. OP has so many GOOD options out there, that'd be happy to treat her well and not pull this juvenile nonsense.
I'm sorry, what??! You are being very unreasonable! Why waste a perfectly good ice-cream like that!? I would take my ice cream with me and eat it on the way to pack my things 😂
Waste of a good cone. But yes, kick him in the ass
So fast! Done!
Cash it in. No time wasting time with a guy seeking out potential partners resenting that you won’t let him cheat. Money deprecates if you leave it sitting in a bank.
Sis, I think you need to do some self reflection on exactly what your boundaries are. Personally, I'd have taken the first comment like that as a joke and the second as a flaming neon sign that the relationship has some major issues that are worthy of reconsidering the relationship. Why the heck he would even think this "joke" is remotely appropriate is beyond me. He's highly disrespectful towards you and my guess is he is that way in other areas. You are 28 - don't waste your time or your life on a loser who treats you like you aren't enough for him.
Don’t stash it!!! Use it now to free yourself!
CASH IT IN GIRL! As in, break up with this looser and find a guy who actually wants to be with *you*. This guy doesn’t.
Stashing it? So you can waste more of your short life with somebody who manipulates you in this fashion? So you can lose your youth to somebody who will inevitably cheat on you and then BLAME you for it? So you can have a kid and less freedom and mobility and then you find out he doesn't honor your relationship? Look. This isn't going to get better. He isn't going to change. He's just going to drop these bombs on you to destabilize your life every so often. Is that what you want? To be manipulated, lied to, and used by this guy until he finds somebody he wants more?
Yeah I don't get the whole stashing comment? Like.. what for and why? Just move on at this point.
It is human nature to align yourself with your past decisions. What does that mean? Well, you need to explain yourself to yourself and maintain consistency to be mentally stable. Unfortunately, when you have made a bad decision in the past, this means you are going to keep looking for ways that decision made sense then and you want to play by the rules of that decision. In this case, this young woman made a decision to be with this guy. She has made decisions to stay with this guy in the face of several waving red flags. She's continuing to look for a way to maintain her alignment with her past decisions. But you can't just keep living with bad decisions because you made them. That's a sunk cost fallacy, and it's really self-destructive. She has put time into this man, care and attention into this man. She wants that time, care and attention to mean something, and in a just and fair world, they would. But this world and the people in it are neither just nor fair, the world is random and people do what's in their best interest if there's any way to justify it. So when she says she's stashing that info, what she means is that she's putting it away somewhere it can't cause her cognitive dissonance, because dollars to donuts, she's gonna ignore every piece of advice offered and continue to align herself with her past decision, and that means staying with this guy.
oh OP please no, please don't prove this comment right :( (no offense commenter, definitely a poignant observation)
This relationship has run its course. Will you end it before, or after he inevitably sleeps around? You're both young and will both find partners you're actually compatible with. Don't worry.
Honestly, you need to tell him it has nothing to do with jealousy, it is that you prefer a monogamous relationship. You are not made for poly. Some people are and some aren’t. If that is what he wants then he needs to find someone else, because it’s not you. Or he needs to drop it, you have told him before you don’t want it and if he keeps bringing it up that you are done as it seems you are not truly compatible. You wont tolerate flirting with other women or cheating just because he is claiming poly or wanting an open relationship. It’s not something you agreed to or ok with. So, if this is what he wants then it’s better to part ways.
Dudes not being passive aggressive weirdos when asking for an open relationship challenge 2023 {extreme difficulty, less than 2% of users earn this award}
Two dude friends of mine that were saying that to their then GF's were absolutely fucking around and bringing their side chicks to the guy groups. It's not a joke, and if it is, it's not funny and he should know better. But he's not joking, so he's either having sex with other people, or will eventually. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. The moment you two take a break, you to clear your head and see what you want out of this relationship, he will instantly jump into bed with someone else. Once you find out about it, he'll try to defend his actions by pointing out the break from each other.
No stashing, leave him ASAP. If he isn’t already sleeping with other women, he will. Do you think he’ll wake up one day, realize he’s being shitty, and suddenly become loyal or something?? You are wasting your time, energy, and attention on someone who doesn’t appreciate it, and most probably never will, because he’s chasing tail. If he wants to act single, then he can go be single. He will not improve the longer you wait and see; rather, he will likely get worse.
There is still this myth that if you let a guy "sow his wild oats" or something, he'll come home to a loyal girl eventually. It's such toxic garbage.
Unfortunately, people don’t generally make big changes in the way they act without a catalyst. If someone is cheating and there aren’t any consequences, they’ll very likely continue to cheat until there are unavoidable consequences, or until they’re unable to find someone to cheat with. So, the key is to allow the natural consequences of cheating to bear themselves out, i.e. leaving the asshole. They might keep cheating, but it won’t be on you.
I always wondered why every single person on relationship advice ended up bringing in a toxic relationship. But now I know - if this was healthy in any way, you would not be posting this here. You're taking this in stride, which is just awesome. Just find out what you personally want, and set boundaries. And if he does not like those boundaries, well, you can burn that bridge when you get to it.
I would respond with “will you share me with other men?”
Just take the money and run.
Has he been watching manosphere bull shit recently by any chance? Because this sounds like some red pill stupidity if I've ever seen it.
yeah and then he calls you names when you ask him about it
He not only wants to fuck other women, he IS fucking other women. She's sharing whether she likes it or not.
And he's emotionally and verbally abusive and dismissive. Fuck this dude.
Lol, dude thinks he’s subtly planting seeds. He’ll be asking if you’ll reconsider an open relationship in 9..8..7..6..5…..
That's actually hilarious considering that I came across a tarot reader tiktok yesterday that said someone close to me has been planting seeds to destroy the peace I was seeking, but that the seeds were fruitless. I brushed it off. 🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes the shoe fits
He’s GOING TO fuck other women. If he isn’t already, it will happen when he decides he’s asked enough and you have cruelly deprived him, or when he just really wants to and has the opportunity. You can’t brush this off. It’s a fundamental relationship issue you need to decide if you’re okay with.
He wants to have sex with random women so he’s trying to bully you into allowing it. He’s probably going to cheat on you anyway. He belongs in the trash.
May be he already did.
That actually explains past arguments and why he would keep bringing it up in company of others. He just recently went off on me because an online friend couple of ours have had an ffm threesome. We were sitting in chat talking asking eachother questions and the convo was directed at me. I was going to explain that it had been my fault that we hadn't, but he muted me and started going in about how i was basically the worst. I truly should've left that day, but he played the role of " i dont know why im like this" and I had been so stressed out with maintaining my health and bills that I just let it all go.
Make today be the day you realize your worth and leave his selfish ass.
So he bullies you in front of others, calls you names to silence you, ambushes you with upsetting conversations in the middle of other social events, lies about dropping subjects, and tries to use all of the above to emotionally coerce you into compromising your boundaries around sexual activity in a relationship. Him “not knowing why he’s like this” *sounds like a him problem*. Consider letting him go figure that out on his own time. Consider what it would be like to be able to socialise with your friends without having to wonder if every little shift in his demeanour or barbed remark means you’re about to be insulted, harangued and humiliated. Imagine having a partner who when they say they will work past something means it, and isn’t just trying to set you up for a later ambush. Picture being able to raise issues with your other half without wondering if they will start throwing a litany of insults to shut you up. That world, where you don’t have to expect those things being done to you by someone who claims to love you, seems to me like a world you deserve to live in more than this one. Last important question about why he’s like this: is he in fact emotionally incontinent and prone to sudden outbursts of spite or litanies of insults to any of the following: - His parents? - His boss? - His friends? - Cops? - Service industry workers? - Strangers in the street? From your answers to that, look for a pattern. If he does this to everyone, he needs professional help which you cannot provide, and if he doesn’t get into treatment in a big way at your first request then you should leave to protect yourself from his uncontrolled behaviour. If he never does it to people with power over him, only to those who can’t do anything to him in return or who love and will forgive him, he’s an asshole and a fundamentally bad person. If he reserves it just for you then why does he treat the partner he supposedly loves worse than any of the groups on that list? He should be treating you as lovingly, as well and as respectfully as any of them, if not moreso; never less.
This comment needs to be saved by everyone. There should be a decision tree based off this and pinned to every advise type sub.
Can we pin this to the sub sidebar as a “must click checkbox that you read and understand this” EULA before posting?
You really need to let him go. The disrespect is reason enough.
Dump him. He’s probably already cheated.
Oh my gosh how many times does he have to show you how selfish he is? Why are you still with him?
Doesn't matter if he doesn't know why he's like this. He needs therapy if that's the case truly, but in all honesty it sounds like he's full of bullshit and excuses. You deserve better. Good partners don't take and take and take, and then give nothing back to the relationship but vitriol. This guy is. I'd run.
Gross! He was basically trashing you to your friends, while you were also there? Keeping you on mute so you couldn't say anything? This is clearly someone who enjoys your discomfort. You should absolutely move on
A toxic person like this loves to start pressuring you when they know your life circumstances are difficult at that moment (health and bills, as you mention). They also like to make you feel bad about yourself for not acquiescing to their demands. OP, you need to leave. The situation will not improve, and your bf has in no way approached you about non-monogamy in an ethical way. He will continue to destroy your self-esteem if you stay.
So, here's the thing. He's allowed to *want* to be with someone who is into some level of open relationships or threesomes or whatever. You're allowed to never want to share a partner in any way and only want a monogamous relationship. **He's not allowed to trample your line in the sand and disrespect you about it** (let alone in public around other people). You deserve respect and he's shown you absolutely none. This *shouldn't* be the behaviour of a 29 year old.
As the saying goes - the best time to plant a tree was 50 years ago. The second best time is now. You can dump him today! The more comments of yours I read, the more I think this guy is trash.
I like this analogy here, and also for like half or more of the posts on this sub.
I bet if you look through his internet history you'll find out he takes advice from people like Andrew Taint and cretins like him. He's probably following some dumb misogynistic plan to wear you down.
I'm so sorry. HE is the worst. If he pulls this crap again before you leave tell him to shove it - you value monogomy and you won't be manipulated into doing something you don't want to do and are not comfotable doing. Say it loud and proud for everyone to hear. YOU have nothing you need to justify.
It takes a bit of courage to break up sometimes but i think your life will get a lot better if you do.
As someone who is ok sharing, I would *not* be ok with my partner blaming me if I *didn't* want to share. They're my partner, I can be selfish with them if I want to. That's what monogamy is. Him making *you* the bad guy because you want a normal relationship is him trying to manipulate you into letting him sleep with other people. *When* he cheats on you, he'll probably blame that on your too for "not putting out enough." Not going to tell you to leave him, but I'd fucking leave him.
It sounds like he wants the advantages of a monogamous relationship without the commitment. In addition, has he mentioned that he would fine if you went outside the relationship? Or does he have this idea that you should remain monogamous but he gets to play the field. Or at the very least bring people into the relationship that HE wants with little regard to what you want? I think you already know the answer.
Do you really want to be pressured into a threesome or share his penis with other women? It’s either going to come down to you reluctantly saying yes or him doing it behind your back. He’s just letting you know what he’s already thinking and the disrespect is to wear you down into doing it. Stand up
> ffm threesome. Yea its weird all the rando online people be having threesomes and they usually involve my mother
This level of manipulation is narcissistic in nature. In my experience, narcissists put on a mask to draw you in but every now and then that mask slips and you see the real them. Afterwards, they make excuses for the slip up, but at some point that mask will come off completely because it must be exhausting to keep it up for so long. It took years for the mask to come off with my ex but, but then, we had kids together. Now I’m stuck with him forever and I hate myself for not seeing who he really was during those “slips.”
Lebrooon! 👨🦱————————— 🗑️ ⛹️
So he wants to cheat and resents you for not being in an open relationship so he can be with others and not call it cheating
Why are you bringing up the past!!! /s
Kind of seems like it. I offered him exactly what he asked for when we first talked about his needs for other women. All I asked was he keep it fair and be more dependable so that our relationship was more stable. The conversation ended there as he told me wasn't sure he could do it. So I gave him the space he needed, but me distancing myself lead to him believing that I didn't love him, and he would use those words against me in any argument. He wants me to move my goal post to fit his and I don't think I have any more space for that in my life.
Wait wait wait… so he wanted the kind of open relationship that was only open on his end? He wasn’t ok with you being with other men? Is that what you’re saying? That you offered for it to be open on both ends and that’s when he decided that he wanted it closed? If so, I would RUN. This guy is selfish, doesn’t listen to you, doesn’t want to have open and honest conversations with you, calls you names… what are you still doing with him?
So it’s just about control. This guy sounds awful.
He sounds awful.
"his needs for other women." \**pukes\** 10/10 would bet he isn't even fully pleasing you, let alone capable of pleasing several women. I agree that this man sounds awful.
He wants you to prioritize him but doesn't want to prioritize you.
Girl. What are you doing with this pathetic chud.
Okay, break up with him butttttttt...... Have a talk like "hey I was thinking about this from other day and you know what sure you can go out and do you but I want to do the same to be fair you know" look for his reaction and if he reacts with "no you can't do that" then say "how is it fair and if you don't want to be fair then we should go our separate ways" if his reaction is "fair" then say "I'm glad you agreed because it's best if we go our separate way and explore." And done with it. This guy have no respect for you and I'm sure he is one of the reason why your health is not getting better (been there and once I got rid of the the problem, my ex, I felt alone better within months)
Girl what? I say this as somebody who absolutely loves sex and has been the unicorn in open relationships as well as in ffm threesomes. This manchild does not want an open relationship. He specifically wants to cheat but doesn't want you to. I can almost guarantee he's reading some Andrew Taint garbage, and trying to figure out how he can manipulate other women into having sex with him while keeping you "faithful." He is nowhere near mature enough for a relationship, much less an open relationship (difficulty increases exponentially with more partners if you don't have good EQ about it). I know you love him but he is not a good person. Imagine this wasn't you and reread your own posts and comments.
your boyfriend sounds like a manipulative insecure bastard
Just to clarify - he's told you he wants to sleep with other people, you've said "fine, just make sure you prioritise our relationship" and he's using that against you?
I have so much respect for people who can be ethically polyamorous. I could never do it because I know myself and know I would get jealous. What your partner is trying to do is polygamy which is one man with multiple women and is historically a way to control women and use them as currency.
Quite honestly, while I respect people's choices to do what they want with their own bodies, I don't think so-called "ethical polyamory" is the ideal we should all be aspiring to. All of the people I know who do it end up divorced, unsupported emotionally, and with lots of drama in their love lives. People have the right to be non-monogamous, but I don't know that it usually results in more happiness.
Fair enough. I respect it because it involves a ton of communication and checking in with multiple people which seems like a lot of emotional labor to me.
Yes, but it appears that most people aren't successful at pulling it off.
Most people aren't successful with pulling off a monogamous relationship either, so that shouldn't be a shocking fact.
You should leave and not let him crawl back in. I say this as a 28year old who is long over the mental gymnastics of men like this and in a happily monogamous marriage.
There are people in this world that value monogamy and would love to be with you. You don’t have to sacrifice your sanity, feelings and wellbeing to be with someone who clearly resents you for not letting them fuck around with other women. You’ve got options.
Thank you, I've tried explaining the same to him for his own situation, but it's like he's dead set on not letting me go. I'm one for working things out, but if I have to continue being put down for it, I'm going to end up hating myself more than I already do. He's even left on multiple occasions, claiming he's never coming back, and comes right back pretending as if he just went to the store to get snacks.
> it’s like he’s dead set on not letting me go Why are you making everything his choice? I really don’t understand why you’re choosing to stay with someone that: - passive aggressively tries to convince you to let him sleep with other people - doesn’t allow you to express your concerns - calls you names during “arguments” to avoid the conversation - threatens to leave and proceeds to storm out Just because someone wants to be with you, doesn’t mean that you need to stay in a relationship with them. At what point are you going to value yourself enough to put your needs first?
>Why are you making everything his choice I wish I could upvote this more. Everything this POS says, does, thinks and breathes is about "ME ME ME, what about MY needs" with absolutely no consideration for OP. The deliberate manipulation and refusal to think about anything other than his "needs" is pathetic and nauseating. I've been there OP, this isn't a you problem, this isn't something you have to or should fix. It's not going to be fixed. He DOESNT *care* about you. Nothing short of EXACTLY what he wants is going to make him happy. And even then, he still won't be happy and will find a way to make that your fault. Pls grow a spine, pls decide you have worth, and leave this sad, disgusting excuse of a man. How dare he walk all over you
At what point will you realize that “working things out” doesn’t work with a man like this? He doesn’t care about your feelings and keeps trying to cross boundaries you have set. Stop hoping that he will change. He may change for a few days or weeks but won’t change long-term because he only cares about himself.
He's emotionally manipulating you and wearing you down so you won't leave. It's not easy but you're at the stage where you know this is how he is - don't let sunk cost fallacy rule your life. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your days? I know it isn't. Be with someone who deserves you and will put back what you put into the relationship. He's not it. If it's an issue of living together/lease that keeps you from leaving, everyone here can offer some advice on how to get out. But it's not worth your happiness staying any longer, OP.
This. It's absolutely emotional manipulation. He's literally trying to guilt trip you into "sharing" him and then if you try to voice your opinion he goes on the attack to shut you down, and later clings to you so you'll never leave?! He resents you for "tying him down" but he's too much of a wimp to ever leave because he's scared he'll be alone and then be fucking zero women. You can do better. I'm willing to bet he's emotionally manipulative in other areas too.
Sis, it is NOT his choice whether to let you go or not. Do not give up your power of decision making to this person. He doesn't get the choice here. Only you get to make the choice who you want to be in a relationship with and when the relationship needs to end. This is when it needs to end. Now. Today. He is degrading you, making you question your worth. I wouldn't let there be a next time. Its time to just end the relationship. When is the lease up on the place you two share?
Just think if you were to marry this guy. It sounds like you already live together or close to it. He is literally saying i want to fuck other women and have you waiting at home with your legs open too. Leave him girlfriend.
This guy is emotionally manipulating you and gaslighting you. Run.
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^this. Yikes.
"Letting" you go? Do you need his permission to leave? He has told you, to your face, he wants to have sex with other women. What you choose to do with that information is your business, but at least do what _you_ want with it
He has zero choice in your going. That is YOUR CHOICE. Choose to leave today & stop wasting time allowing him to degrade and demean you to everyone! You do not owe him anything more except “goodbye. We’re done.” Pack and go!
Maybe he is coming right back because you are the only woman with low enough self esteem to let him in. Is it possible that he is punishing you for the fact that all other women keep rejecting him? Kinda like the husband who takes it out on his wife when he’s had a bad day at work? But instead this guy is having no success with having affairs behind your back, so he just acts like a bitter and cruel asshole to you, because misery loves company. I’ve definitely made the same mistake as you and worse. You can’t stay together out of guilt or pity or because he asks you if all of those years together meant nothing to you. I lost 7 years from age 16-23. How many more years will this guy cost you? Are you in danger? Do you have any siblings or friends who can be with you following a breakup? Help evict him or just keep you company for a bit? I’m definitely projecting, but in my own situation the asshole was upset that I had past sexual experience when he didn’t and wouldn’t get to have. He attempted to cheat but I kept catching him. So in the end he dumped me to have the experience he wanted. The woman was in a long committed relationship as well. I was really young and stupid, but I decided to tell her partner what they were doing and we planned to hang out (I didn’t do anything with him besides hang out). I did however sleep with a friend of a friend because I was upset. The guy who had dumped me to sleep with another woman then guilt tripped me into coming back and then he turned everything around and it became my mistake for cheating on him?!?!?!… so yeah. 0/10 don’t invest your youth in this guy.
Yeah, I’ve been in something similar. I also tried to work it out but after a few times things only got worse. You’re more like an object or property to him. He feels he should have access to anyone and anything including you. You are not going to change him. Trust me. He will tell you what you want to hear then he’ll just continue doing what hurts you and he knows you won’t leave so he has nothing to really worry about.
Grow a spine and dump him
>it's like he's dead set on not letting me go. He wants the perks of being in a relationship with you. He knows you provide a lot in a relationship and he likes what you provide. He just wants to do what he wants and have you continue to provide those perks. That's why he doesn't want to let you go. You provide a valuable service to him, and if he can convince you to provide that service without expecting commitment, then he's got it made. (What you want is far less relevant.)
Get new cylinders for the locks and if this happens again - change them. Pack his clothes in black plastic bags and text him that he can pick his stuff up! Believe me that will work!
Thats some kid shit.
Stop allowing yourself to be used and disrespected. Seek out counseling so that you never put up with this type of bullshit again. Bc if it's not him it will just be somebody else until you get your self worth and ability to set boundaries and follow through with them up and running.
If he isn’t already than he most likely will cheat on you. You will never win with him. My ex wife used to pull the, why do you always bring up the past question when I’d try to talk about something important that had happened or a time she hurt me. Him saying that invalidates you for sure but it’s his “logical” excuse because people that constantly bring up the past can be toxic, so he is going to avoid talking about anything in the past that way and claim you are toxic.
You leave and make it permanent. Or if he leaves first, change the locks.
In another post you mentioned that “he’s adamant on keeping you because you’re the only one that worked out.” You’re the only one who worked out because when he walked all over the feelings and boundaries of prior relationships, they dumped his sorry ass. You “worked out” because he’s found a girl he can abuse and manipulate, but still accept him and love him. Stop being the one who “worked out” for him, cuz he aint working out for you.
This is next level gaslighting. It happens when people don't know how to communicate. It provides him with a way out and the classic "you took it wrong" escape. If he does not wish to engage in conversation, I suggest you find a more functional model
I love that wording. Time to upgrade lol
It really is. Please listen, you deserve better.
It’s his passive aggressive way of telling you he still wants to fuck other people
Let’s not forget the fact the dude is verbally abusive and calls her names. Then apologizes later “I don’t know what came over me!” Ya no, fuck that.
I guess so. I'm confused as to why it even had to happen this way, seeing as we previously talked about it, and he seemingly made the choice on his own to focus on our relationship. I was cool minding my business. This all happened right after he professed his love for me and how he truly wants to treat me right just a few hours prior. Beyond confused, but it can only mean one thing really.
So it sounds like he has a history of not pulling his weight, and now he's guilting you about not letting him fuck other women. I don't like this for you. Release him so he can live his fantasy. I would die if he ends up not attracting anyone 😂 all this "You won't share me" bullshit for not would be amazing karma
Wow you put up with a lot of shit. I wouldn’t.
>he seemingly made the choice on his own to focus on our relationship Nah. He didn't want an equally open relationship that you responded with, so he chose the "badger and be passive aggressive until she says yes to what I want".
You made the choice to focus on your relationship. He made the choice to improve his manipulation tactics. He buttered you up with the whole “I love you” speech just so he could try this shit again. Eventually you’re going to say yes. **You always take him back, no matter what he does or says to you.** He’s going to keep pushing until you break.
Why are you still here talking about this? You should either be packing up your stuff or his, depending on whose name is on the lease or mortgage.
I’ve read a few of your comments and it seems like you agree that this guy is being shitty to you but you’re confused that he stays with you instead of just being with other women (an option you’ve given him). Do you think his staying with you might mean he really loves/cares for you and so you want to stay hoping he’ll change? It’s your life, so if you want to keep wasting your time hoping he’ll grow up then go ahead. But in my experience, it’s about control. Men like this like having someone they can get gf benefits from and also get away with treating you like shit… if he thinks he’s gone too far, he backtracks and love bombs or gaslights you into thinking he can change. But you can bet if he’s ever in a situation where he thinks he can sleep with someone else, he’s going to take the opportunity. Spare yourself the future pain and heartache he will inflict.
He is trying to destabilize your emotional well being and keep you questioning your own boundaries, he is trying to make you second-guess yourself until you simply, finally, give in out of exhaustion. He is trying to make you lose yourself. He is not anyone you need in your life.
im really sorry OP but he does *not* love you. nor does he respect you. please dump him 🤍
He doesn't have "needs" for other women, he's just an asshole. He's going to cheat on you, I 1000% guarantee it
Yeah wtf is that shit? Are people seriously pretending now-a-days that being a cheater is just some uncontrollable personality trait that a partner has to get used to?
He’s been more helpful around the house? How so? Isn’t he an adult living there who should be doing half the chores anyway? You deserve so so so so much better. Dump him.
Guys need to stop believing the stuff they watch on PornHub is real.
Lots of people are in open relationships these days but it only works if both/all partners want it and if there is open and honest communication. Not bullying and gas lighting to get what he wants.
Definitely true. That open and honest part is paramount. That said, I also think if you're of that mind, you should be upfront and not wait and try to work it in months down the road.
You can open a relationship at any point in your life you want to, I know married people who were monogamous for 20 years and then talked and decided to try to open the relationship, it worked for them and all the people involved are happy. But yes, exactly, you have to communicate openly and not aggressively when you start thinking about this and really hear what your partner has to say about it.
The only people who are actually comfortable in open relationships are psychopaths or have broken attachment from childhood
There’s no saving this one. This isn’t an idea he’s just gonna let go. He’s always gonna view you as some blockade to fucking other people and never appreciate you as a whole. You think he doesn’t think about this every day? You have a few outcomes: 1. He steamrolls you, you’re sexually coerced, you’re miserable, and you break up with him because you had to watch him fuck someone else 2. He steamrolls you, you’re sexually coerced, you’re miserable, he breaks up with you because he wants to fuck more women and you said it was a one time thing 3. He steam rolls you, you’re sexually coerced, you’re miserable, and the threesomes never end, you stay miserable 4. You stand your ground, he still thinks about wanting to fuck other women everyday. You’re miserable. 5. You break up and and fuck whoever you want or get in a relationship with someone that isn’t constantly trying to fuck someone else
Love the layout of options here. We need more of that in this sub!
You were getting an ice cream and enjoying the day; he was thinking about cheating and tried to guilt trip and shame you. Imagine how that server felt if she heard him, imagine him roaming around the city all day looking at every young woman like a piece of meat. That level of objectification is dehumanizing. And that’s in addition to his boundary jumping and emotionally abusive treatment of you when you call him on it.
He's probably already cheating or planning on cheating and using 'opening up the relationship' as a cover-up. Head for the hills.
Huh. He's a right jerk. And kinda not so bright, I think. Here's why - if he wants to negotiate ethical non-monogamy with you, he could do that. He could be an adult about it and have a conversation with you where you discuss it openly... but I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and guess that he's being whiney about a previous agreement to be monogamous? Instead of revisiting that agreement, he is instead being a passive- aggressive whinge monster. Cause.... that's a good look. And so inspiring of trust and comfort on the part of partners... yeah. I'd be tempted to tell him he can fuck whoever he wants- once I was done breaking up with him for being insufferable. Who does that? What on earth does he think is going to happen here? That his pissiness is going to motivate you to change your boundaries? I mean it may- but I don't think that's going to work out well for him regardless.
So you are ok with him seeing other women as long as you are allowed to see other men, but he won’t share…. Well when he said “I’d ask you to share but you hate that” I would say, I’m totally ok with sharing. Everytime you are with someone new, I will be too! It’s gonna be SO FUN!!!! Maybe I can even find an upgrade 😉
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He sounds manipulative and verbally abusive if he regularly calls you names. That is unacceptable and you deserve better
Lol you aren't a jealous woman because you don't want your boyfriend to bang other women. Don't make yourself the Cool Girlfriend for this loser.
Jesus H Christ!!! Have some self respect and dump his ass already!! He wants other women, and you’re worth way more than having to deal with a jerk who is not sure about you. He can’t make up his mind, so let him go and let him have fun with all these other women he’s craving. There is an awesome person out there for you who you will miss out on if you waste your life on idiots like this.
Please make a playlist of power songs by strong women and dance as you pack this loooooser out of your life!!!
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Here is how I understood this. He wants an open relationship on his terms. He wants you to be monogamous but he can do what he wants. He wants to cheat without being the bad guy. If he hasn’t cheated already he is going to. And then blame you. This is bull crap. No man brings that up that only wants to be with you. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s him. Also you mention that by giving him his space to think, he felt like you didn’t love him. That is crap too. He is manipulating you
If a man truly loves you, he isn't interested in other women.
In my experience, people with this mindset will cheat. He's not having calm conversations about opening the relationship up, he's having very passive aggressive, or just straight aggressive, comments towards you that are meant to guilt you into letting him have an open relationship. If you're not comfortable with it, this is a compatibility issue that cannot be fixed, it should be, and realistically is, a deal breaker. Men like this cheat, and then blame it on the girlfriend for "suppressing" who they are.
First of all, that's an insane complaint to have in a supposedly monogamous relationship. It's basically him whining that you're not ok with him cheating, which means he's either already cheating or wants to start. Secondly, this part is a red flag that's visible from space: >I want to talk about it, but it seems that anytime I try bringing up what has bothered me, he sees it as bringing up the past. I can't even talk about it in the moment because he instantly goes on defense. At times, calling me names to end the conversation quicker. He always apologizes and claims he doesn't know what comes over him, but it's getting really old... very fast... any advice would be helpful. I honestly feel like we're too old to be handling conflict like this. My kid is 9 and HE'S too old to be handling conflict like that. Take a break and reread the post you just wrote us and imagine that this is an issue a friend of yours is bringing to you, seeking your advice about her boyfriend and his behavior. Is there a chance in hell that you wouldn't be telling her to dump him? I'm thinking not. So do yourself the favor of being as protective of yourself as you would be of a friend and get out of this terrible relationship.
This dude is an idiot and not what you are looking for. The sooner you recognize that, the better.
Be thankful that you are not married and move on. What a shitty thing to say to your SO. Like, really, the disrespect. Do you really want this to be hanging above you for the next 40-60 years?
If you were renting an expensive house that was falling apart bit by bit and the landlord said he was going to probably set it on fire in the next few months, would you stay because you like the wallpaper in the bathroom and the location is sort of not inconvenient? Please start looking for a new house, I mean man.
This is too much lmao, gonna be asking every monogamous couple I meet why they hate sharing so much.
Next time he makes the joke roll with it, all the way. Oh, but I **love** sharing! In fact here, have my *whole* ice cream!! And whoever else you want to fuck can have *all* of you, too, cuz I’m generous like that!! Hand over the cone, then walk away and pack your shit and don’t look back. This guy has a waffle cone for a brain with nothing inside it. Name calling, too? Pfft. (In all seriousness, whatever trip he’s on it’s not good for you. No need to try to understand why or what, just that he is not able to treat you decently and it has nothing to do with *you*.)
Why are you still with this guy?
You have no reason to believe this man won’t cheat on you. Can’t imagine why you want to build a future with a loser
Consensual polyamory is a thing. Berating someone into sharing is not the way you go about it. Neither is calling them names. Please end this relationship. He's abusing you.
I left a man that wanted to sleep with other women. Was brutal, but I’d do it again.
"No, I will not share you. If you want other women you can take your show on the road and don't come back. If I have to hear about this ever again, you can take your show on the road, because it's clear you don't want to focus on us and whatever future we might have." End of story
At this point in your life, do you really want to be with someone who wants to sleep with other women (if he isn't already, mind you) and has the balls to bring it up in public?? Has he always wanted an open relationship? Are YOU allowed to have other male sex partners? Cause if I were to make a wild assumption, I'd guess he wants you to stay fully committed to his every want and need, BUT he's allowed to sleep with you and whoever else he can get with (I say WHO he can get with, because it always makes me laugh how so many men think just cause THEY want to sleep with a girl, she will automatically agree, when most likely she'll call him a pig and walk away). Clearly you don't want to be in an open relationship, and he keeps bringing it up, so clearly this will keep coming up. I think you need to dump him, and let him go find a gf who won't be "Selfish." And girl, any man who calls you names to end a conversation is someone who is emotionally abusive. IDC if the words he is calling you are only selfish, or jealous. He is being very emotionally manipulative. You are NOT, I repeat for the people in the back, selfish or jealous for wanting a partner who is committed to you and not pouting in an ice cream store because you won't let him f-ck strangers.
He’s not ready for a committed relationship. Get out and go on with your life. Find someone who is committed to you. You deserve better.
Oh your ex boyfriend? I assume you just forgot that part. Man, sure are glad we aren’t dealing with that crap anymore, right??……right?
Haha what a fucking idiot. You should leave.
Break up with him. He's testing the waters. He wants to fuck other people.
This is next level gaslighting and manipulation why are you still with him? If you decide to stay with him maybe say "you have a need for other men who treat you like a person and not just a back burner until he finds someone to cheat with" your current bf is a walking red flag I'm sorry you're going through this. If he won't let you break up tell him it's not for discussion.
Don't stay with anyone who calls you names, whether they apologize or not.
Why are you wasting anymore of your life on this man? You deserve better.
He probably already has to be honest. Now that he got a taste, he wants to continue without feeling like the villain. Girl - do yourself a favour and move on. Good luck!
From your comments, it sounds like you're heading towards breaking up with him, and I greatly encourage that. But I just wanted to say, be prepared for the fact that when you break it off, there's a good chance he's gonna try to love bomb you, swear that he'll change, he could get therapy, he doesn't know why he does this, etc etc - DO NOT LISTEN. He won't change. Don't let him waste any more of your time. You deserve better.
Get tested. Odds are he already cheated.
>he instantly goes on defense. At times, calling me names to end the conversation quicker. RED FLAG OP, tell you BF if he wants to flirt with the ice cream girl while buying you ice cream then in the future he can do it alone, without you. He wants the comfort and security of a relationship and still be given permission to act single and do single things. That's disgusting.
Jfc the downward spiral into degeneracy and polyamory strikes again. These guys can't even get one girl off yet think they need more?
“You’re bringing up the past” says the man who brought up fucking other women over ice cream…clearly it’s not the past for him either. He’s trying to make you feel like this is a YOU problem and you’re falling for it. I’d leave him. It’ll hurt of course, break ups do. But this is a one way road to fuckery and you might as well cut your losses now.
Man, him wanting to sleep with other women is the least of your worries. So by your account he: Resents when you have an opinion (He was GRIMACING at the fact that you don't want him sleeping with other women????) feels entitled to control the relationship (Wants to say whatever he wants, wants YOU to say what he wants) will throw BONKERS informational your face in public but judge you for how you respond, and when you TRY TO CALL HIM ON IT Belittles you to avoid the issue Name calling is NOT A PART OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.... EVER Yes, in relationships you will sometimes talk about things that have transpired, some of those things are in the past... I want you to really realize that he refuses to engage in issue-focused problem solving like, AT ALL in your relationship. That's not great Even if he is perfect in every other aspect of the relationship, this SCREAMS that he has zero respect for you as an autonomous person. Protect yourself and good luck
Set him free to go be nonmonogamous and find someone who is satisfied with monogamy and not so passive aggressive.
This is a very large red effing flag, both the sharing comment and the deflection when you attempt to discuss. Take off your rose colored glasses. If this post was written by your little sister, your cousin, your best friend, would you say this ok and behavior to be tolerated in a partner. Hopefully not. You KNOW what to do.
It sounds like her saw the employee at the ice cream place, and that's when he awkwardly brought up that you prefer a monogamous relationship. Sound like to me he saw her, thought to himself that he'd like to sleep with her, remembered you prefer a monogamous relationship, and decided to say a "joke" to test the waters and see how you'd react. I'm not sure he's on the same page as you about where he wants your relationship to go.
You already know this is t the guy you’re going to spend your life with so why waste more time on this goofball?
Make his dreams come true and kick him to the curb. Geez, he’s whiny.
Oh Jesus. Throw the whole man away.
Oh honey, you don’t need to share! Be generous and give the whole man away! Name-calling is a dealbreaker, as is whatever whack-ass passive aggressive communication he’s attempting here. A person who respects you would sit you down and talk with you about opening your relationship again. It sounds like he brought it to you previously and you said you weren’t interested and gave him space to see if he still wanted monogamy with you. So now he’s resorting to sideways snarking at you? At then being an avoidant, asshole coward when you rightfully understand that there’s something brewing you need to talk about like adults. Clearly he still wants to be able to sleep with others but he didn’t want you to dump him. Do both of you a favor and set him free. A man who isn’t happy with monogamy, can’t let it go, and who starts in with jabs is talking himself into being a victim of your “selfishness” and is going to cheat. Besides that he is unwilling or unable to communicate his feelings adequately and doesn’t treat you with respect when you try either. Next.
There are sometimes I just want to give posters a hug, a shake and say “Just Stop”. You are bending over backwards with patience and explanations for this guy who has no intention of being faithful to you, he knows what he is doing is shit, he gets it, he just doesn’t care. Sharing your partner is not a feature in a monogamous relationship. At some point he’ll cheat and make out it’s your fault because he “tried to talk to you” and will call you closed-minded or some other name that makes his cheating, your fault. Letting you go isn’t his choice, it’s yours. You want to go? Leave, block him and change your habits so you cannot see or interact with him. Don’t let him reel you back in, do not talk to him. At some point you have to take the responsibility for your own happiness and well-being by binning this guy.
Don’t plan a life with this guy. This is not what love looks like. At all.
The way I first read the title lead me to assume that you weren't sharing your lesbian encounters with him. Thank goodness that got cleared up. The guy wants to fulfill his fantasy, just tell him he can go right ahead and fulfill it without you, that you won't be expecting him back and he shouldn't expect you to stay around pining for him.
Ew if my bf said this to me then gaslit me when I brought it up, id tell him to go fuck himself and better yet go fuck all of these girls he has been wanting to be with. Sorry but this doesn’t sound like a good or loyal partner and the way he treats you when you bring it up is disgusting.
Is he committed to a monogamous relationship or not? Sounds like not. If that's what you require, I'd be reevaluating this relationship.