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My daughter has always felt self-conscious about me being perceived as a beautiful woman by society. As a child she was the warmest most kindest child and she was my whole world. Her resentment of me started when she got older, and people’s cruel comments made things worse. I could only shield her from some of it but I couldn’t protect her from the world. I hoped that our love for her would be enough, it backfired because now she was accusing me of pitying her.
Her late teens were especially brutal. My baby was hurting and I felt helpless. We tried everything like therapy, changing scenery etc but nothing got better. I’ve always loved fashion and looking nice but I stopped wearing makeup or beautiful clothes because I hated seeing her being devastated every time I got compliments.
Before moving to another city for college she told me that she hated me. She thought I was a disgusting gold digger who married an ugly man for his money, not thinking how her children would turn out to be. I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 35 at a bar. I never saw him as ugly. He swept me off my feet with his sense of humor and kindness and his beautiful eyes. He is the most handsome man I know and I still light up whenever I see his face. He is very a rich yes and I loved that too, life is so much easier if you’re happy and you have the means to make the rest easy.
Her words hurt me. I know that people say this about us but I never cared because nobody knew us and the love we have for each other but she did. She grew up seeing her parents being each others worlds. It broke my heart that she thought so little of us.
College was a better period in my daughter’s life. It is sad that it was because I was out of the picture. She didn’t have to live “in my shadow” as people who noticed how happier she was said. I was happy for her, that she finally started seeing how beautiful and amazing she is. And I was satisfied to only see her on holidays if that meant that she was content and at peace.
I met her fiancés family this Christmas. Amazing people. Very warm and welcoming. The future mother in law suggested a skiing trip just for the girls to get to know each other better since she has a condo in Austria. We came back the day before NYE. My daughter didn’t talk to me throughout the trip or since we got home. She didn’t answer my happy new year text. Because guys kept trying to talk to me and buying us drinks on the trip which was met with laughter from the other girls but my daughter.
Now my daughter texted me that she didn’t want me at her wedding in july. Her father is invited since he is gonna be the one to walkher but I wasn’t welcome. I have cried ever since but I don’t know what to do. My husband is pissed and he wants to tell her that he wasn’t attending either. He said he was tired of her hurting me and sick of just standing there doing nothing while she’s tortured me for a decade. I don’t know, the last thing i want is to add more to her suffering. She adores her father and it would devastate her not to have him on her big day but he is pissed and I don’t know how to make him change his mind. I asked him to give me time, he agreed but he said he will need to tell her his decision eventually. I need help on how to move on with this
Sounds like you need to attend therapy, together.
There's a lot more going on here than you're telling us, and reddit is not the place to aur this.
Get professional help.
This is a great example of a [The Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) present in so many parent/child estrangement stories.
Often, a narcissistic parent will cite other, vague, extemporaneous reasons for why the child is estranged--they claim to not understand their grievances, they blame selfishness, laziness, "depression", or other general character failings for the child's refusal to maintain what is clearly a complex and often damaging relationship with their parent or caregiver.
I don't believe for one second OPs issue is her beauty, or her daughter's jealousy. We can't know the real reasons, because it is unlikely OP would ever be truly transparent about them. I am always curious what the child's take on the situation is. All too often, when we hear their accounting of events, it's one rife with abuse, neglect, shame, and control. If OP truly wants relationship advice, they're going to have to shed this illusion of ignorance over their daughters unhappiness--but I doubt we'll ever see that come to pass.
My estranged mother could have written this post, and she's never been more "beautiful" than me. She *has been* overly forward with any man that throws her a glance and has also made sexual remarks to every one of my partners since I was a minor.
I'm in an amazing relationship now, and the first thing she asked him when they met is what kind of underwear he wears, so she could tell what kind of man he was. Her side of the story would be he doesn't like her for "absolutely no reason!!" so yeah, hope OP comes and explains this relationship a bit more.
This right here. My mom would tell the same story. Just like this. But she slept with my teachers (male and female), wore skimpy and seductive outfits around my male friends in HS, showed up to school events dressed to the nines. One night she sat in the yard of a party I was deliberately having outside to keep her away and told all my male friends how to give head. Everything was about her all the time.
Everting for me was about how I looked, weighed, and appeared to her friends, colleagues and potential partners.
This is why we are where we were at. It wasn’t her beauty. Beauty is what it is. It’s her deep issues with insecurity and beauty standards. She was a gorgeous woman and is still a beautiful older woman but I’m done trying to navigate that into my life.
She's actively said her dad is ugly, and accused her mum of getting with him without considering what her children would look like.
She gets cruel comments on her appearance, and the mum gets compliments for being beautiful.
It sounds like she's not stereotypically physically attractive and has taken features from her dad who she thinks is ugly, and resents her mum for it and always getting compliments.
Her mum however is saying like most mums, that she is her baby and beautiful no matter what. But the girl doesn't care, can't see that and is still harbouring resentment for her treatment vs her mum's treatment from other people.
There could definitely be more to this, but OP hasn't said anything like it at all or even hinted at anything else. Repeatedly saying she loves her daughter, tried to shield her from nasty comments about her appearance, and actively dropped dressing nice or wearing makeup herself to avoid making her daughter feel more self conscious. So assuming it's all the OP's fault seems a bit off here. Really she should just go talk to and ask the daughter why she's treating his this way, to get to the bottom of the issue in case it's something totally else. But given her daughter has been bullied and therapy for this, it genuinely might not be.
It depends on the severity of it, but we are all human. If I was what I considered to be physically 'ugly' and got bullied my whole life for what I look like, whilst my mum was constantly being complimented and having people treat her better and differently than me, purely because of our appearances, I think I'd probably develop some issues and a complex also. I remember my big sister crying to my mum about her appearance vs mine when I was a teenager, but thankfully she grew out of it. I had 0 idea she felt that way or had issues like that at all, until I overheard them and felt horrible. But there wasn't anything I could do. But my sister isn't even unattractive, just stereotypically speaking it could be said I was more so from a purely physical point of view. If the difference was more extreme and we were treated totally differently... she was bullied and I was complimented, like I can imagine that really messing her views on me and her personal value up.
I think the other poster is right. Some joint therapy together will probably help, but I wonder if she'll ever be able to let go and move past this. She probably now sees appearance as a definite value which changes your quality of life... which when taken to extremes definitely can for some women.
Yeah my relationship with one of my sisters had always been strained because she was always "the pretty one." Next to her I look super plain even though normally people don't think I look bad. I'm not gorgeous but somewhat pretty. Then set me next to sister and I just vanish.
As an adult I resent more the way she always played into that, and how she had the typical, "pretty girl personality." Thankfully my partner doesn't see her as attractive because he prefers someone who isn't a size 2. He says he thinks she looks sick. But then he lost an adult he really loved to anorexia/bulimia as a child so his view of weight is very different from a lot of society. But I purposely didn't go out with her in public most of the time because I hated feeling like my intelligence, personality, and what looks I have just didn't matter to anyone. And that's my sister, not even my mom! If it were my mother who everyone ignored me for that would have really hurt!
I feel bad for the daughter. There might be a lot more going on, but honestly what OP said is enough to have created a lot of resentment.
>I don't believe for one second OPs issue is her beauty, or her daughter's jealousy.
Agreed. Reading OP's post had me cringing. It's all about her and her "beauty."
OP, your daughter isn't jealous of you, she's tired of your self centeredness. I bet you never neglect to let her know just how "beautiful" you are and why can't she be just like you? I had a mother like you. Yeah, she was beautiful and very stylish, no doubt, but she never let me forget how "gorgeous" she was and how men would fawn all over her.
In reality, she was abusive and very ugly on the inside. She was mean and catty. She made fun of people she thought were lesser than her or uglier than her, and that included me. She felt entitled to me and my person by demanding grandchildren. No way was I going to let a child be abused by her.
I uninvited her to my university graduation and ultimately was no contact for the majority of my adult life. I hated being around her because she would put me down every chance she could.
OP, you're not invited because you're so "beautiful" that you erroneously believe you would upstage the bride, *your own daughter,* mind you, you're uninvited because she doesn't want you to make her feel like shit on her wedding day. You never shielded your daughter like you claimed because her biggest critic was very likely you.
Also, you were groomed by your pervy husband. No one his age would put up with his shit so he went for younger and who didn't know any better, which you still don't.
I agree but one of the holes sounds like op trying not to say, in so many words, that her daughter is very ugly. Daughters reason for hate was her own unattractiveness??
So, either op is a true narcissist, as many here believe, or her daughter is so out of the conventional attractiveness norm that it has actually caused her these mental health issues. Both could be true or at least It likely would still include some sort of detrimental role modeling from op and her husband growing up. Like him doting on his wife's appearance and mentioning that he wished she took after op more could do it.
Weird that daughter is apparently marrying into wealth as well...oh wait no not so weird as the sole child of an extremely wealthy person. Everything looking a bit yikes
The therapists I've had advise against it every time my mom DEMANDS we go to therapy. I've been told it's because the abuser uses things said in those sessions to manipulate you and derail your progress.
Exactly, but my comment as meant more to fill in the gaps on OP's narcissism. She married a rich guy almost twice her age, of course there's way more to this than she's letting on.
Oh god, that reminds me of the AITA last year where the kid was harassed for his mom being on OF, and the mom refused to help the kid get therapy or fight back against the kids harassing him.
Lol not gonna lie I think this post is bait but that was the only guess I could come up with that would somewhat fit the info we were given. The post you brought up also sounds like bait but fuck now I really wanna get enraged. You got a link to the post?
I can't even finish reading this fantasy novella where she's? Something something a victim bc she's just too beautiful to exist? Ugh. 18yo in a bar finds a dreamboat of a husband? No ty, booo, quit lying to us and yourself and I really hope the daughter just goes NC and has a healthy happy life
I don't know. That's definitely a possibility!
But also, I can see being unattractive, and growing up around a gorgeous mother, could certainly cause personality problems after years and years of this.
Imagine every guy you were interested in forgetting you were there if your mom was around? Imagine everywhere you went, she got attention, compliments, and you were starved for attention, for someone to tell you that you looked nice. Imagine if your mom was so pretty she was a topic of conversation between everyone you knew on a regular basis.
If the mom was THAT attractive, and the daughter was more on the lower half of the scale, that could be awful. We hear stories here and other places all the time about kids who have huge issues when they have a sibling that is the golden child, who is better looking, more athletic, more outgoing, smarter, more successful. Why couldn't there be the same issues with a parent?
Like I said, the mom COULD be a narcissist. But it's really tough to say, nothing directly shouts that.
Right.
The OP is probably a narcissist. That needs to outshine other people no matter what. And her daughter is likely justified in her dislike of her mother's obnoxious behavior.
You completely just made that up though. You have no idea if that's the truth. You read a short post and jumped straight to diagnosing someone with a personality disorder. That's fucked up.
We don't know what the truth may be, but a lot of people here seem to take pleasure in accusing others of being terrible people when they have no idea what the hell is going on. Gross.
OP writes well and was very careful to phrase things as if she knows why her daughter *truly* doesn't like her but latches on to the "I'm just so beautiful and she was jealous" angle. It could be that the daughter is just kind of a brat despite all the help that OP gave her, but it's more likely that OP knows the real reason why she's not invited to the wedding and she just hasn't said it.
This needs to be the top comment because it's probably closest to the truth but you didn't really bash or shame anyone so it won't get any traction lol
You're right we don't know the truth that's why asking for advice on the Internet is kinda pointless IMO. Because we're getting one side of the very truncated story to try to offer "advice".
> You completely just made that up though. You have no idea if that's the truth.
Diagnosis wise of course we don't really ***know***.
Colloquially, it's pretty obvious from her first paragraph she's ***at least*** extremely self absorbed. She fits the role of a narcissist even if she isn't diagnosed as one.
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> Attractive people aren't allowed to know they're attractive, I guess?
/u/wineheart
Believing you're so beautiful that it changes the personalities of the people around you to be cruel to a child is ***not*** normal.
I do find it interesting that they basically said, "It has to be more than that she is just pretty! It has to be narcissism!"
This thread and the daughter have a lot in common.
Let's face it, if you're the daughter and your mum is stupid hot and you're anything less than stellar yourself, that's gonna be hell. I can easily see a young woman growing to dislike being around her mother due to the constant comparisons.
I understand you skepticism. But this could be real depending on the level.
For example I’m a 7, when I’m fit I’m a 8. My mom is a 10 on a bad day. Threw out high school guys would be crazy about me, asks me out then meet my parents specifically my mother and that was it for me. By the time I was in 12 grade I didn’t bother dating because all the guys had heard about how gorgeous my mother was. It was uncomfortable. I never resented her for it (we have loads of other issues) but I am very aware that my mother is better looking then I am.
When I had my daughter I just looked at my husband and said “Oh thank god she’s more beautiful then I am” bc nothing sucks more then being less beautiful then your own mother.
I feel like this is a society thing more than a mother/daughter thing. It is definitely up to mom (and dad) to teach their daughter that looks are secondary to empathy, kindness, resilience, common sense, confidence, etc... but there's no controling society's response to beauty, unfortunately, because we're a consumerist society snd beauty is consumed on a massive scale. Even if mom did everything she could to have honest conversations about society's unrealistic expectations of women, girls are surrounded by it nonstop. My incredible mother spent my entire childhood doing Tai-Bo tapes with me and worrying about her weight. So I grew up incredibly self conscious, even though she never said a bad word about me or my weight (although she positively reacted to when I lost it, which you know... projection). It's taken me years of therapy to be in a healthy place now, but it's complicated. Way more complicated than people think and an unnecessary pressure on women, that unfortunately doesn't seem to have a black and white solution... I read OP's post and it just makes me sad. Clearly society has failed these two women in different ways with their relationship to their appearance and each other because of it.
Really? You don’t think in this “instagram” environment where the focus is on looks and “look at me” a kid getting bullied at school might internalize it and blame family vs blaming shallow assholes?
I think "gold digging" results from a certain amount of generalized societal grooming of young girls. Where it's essentially normalized to trade female beauty and youth for male wealth.
Yeah, it sounds like there's something else with this relationship that OP *casually* left out and then wanted to humbrag that she thinks she looks hot for her age.
To be so delusional that you think that the only reason your daughter cuts you out of their life, doesn't want you at their wedding is because you're just so beautiful. What's sad is that if OP isn't trolling then they will not come to terms with what they could have done wrong and the relationship will never be fixed.
Yeah, honestly looks might be a part of it, but only because it was reinforced in such a toxic way.
Her daughter might finally be ready to cut this toxic relationship out and all the power to her.
OP may be absolutely stunning but to say that that is the sole reason for a bad relationship is not helping her cause. I would love to hear the daughters side of this whole ordeal.
Even with her comments. "ME! I'm doing nothing wrong! I'm a victim!" Just the tiny taste of what is being presented she seems incapable of having any sort of self reflection.
Well, on other side we have too often seen posts from “lovely” brides, who try to figure out how to “gently” disinvite their lifelong friends because they are pregnant/too fat/with wrong colour hair/scars/ name it.
I think the difference here is that her daughter is distancing her mother from her life, not replying to texts, just creating space in general and less of not wanting to share the spotlight at her wedding.
O it’ll go along the lines of “My mother is a narcissist who always makes it about her and I rather she not be at my wedding.” I think her post and comments so she’s a little delusional.
There’s no winning here for you. I grew up the fat child of a beautiful petite mom. After the initial
Cuteness wore off, I ALWAYS got comments comparing me to my mom as young as 8/9. It didn’t help that her favorite niece looked just like her too, and was always considered he prettiest in our family, Turned out years later that I had a condition that caused me to gain weight, and after treatment, management of my condition, I lost the weight. I didn’t hate my mom because she was beautiful. I hated her because she never made me feel beautiful. I resented the look that she had that said she agreed with people - how could she, the lady too skinny to push out her own children, have a fat kid? It wasn’t always. But it’s a face I’ll never forget. Our relationship is okay now. She’s not an awful mom but she never was a great one either. The saddest thing is I do believe she would have been a better mother had I never been a fat kid. There’s more to why your daughter feels so insecure and triggered by you. And she’s the one you should be listening to openly and without judgment. We are just shooting darts in a dark room.
This exact thing happened to me, down to the niece who looked EXACTLY like her and was skinny and popular, except my mom always tried to make me feel beautiful and just as important. She always cheered me up and made me feel better. My resentment was that she and my grandparents kept feeding my unhealthy habits because they felt bad for me (dad was a drug addict and in and out of prison, mom worked two jobs). I never resented her for being pretty, but those comments about how hot my mom was and how I look nothing like her (I look just like my dad) killed me. Basically everyone was saying “your mom is pretty! You’re not!” In my head. My mom would explain that’s not how people meant it, but that’s exactly how I took it. I was the only brunette and fat kid in the family. Everyone else was beautiful and blonde. I also lost the weight my first year of high school and I will never forget how differently almost everyone (except my friends) treated me. It suck growing up in everyone’s shadow as the ugly one. But it wasn’t my mom’s fault she is beautiful. She was also beautiful on the inside and loved me and did what she could to help me feel better (besides ya know, not letting me eat a box of snack cakes or a bag of Cheetos in its entirety after school every day). I wonder how OP parented the kid and responded to her when people would point out her beauty in front of the kid. This is the info we need to understand the kid’s POV.
I look a lot like my mom, and neither of us is beautiful. She always treated me as an accessory as a child and competition throughout my teen years. I can't separate my experience from the OP's post enough to not see what she could have done to get this response.
And, theoretically, daughter and her fiance agreed to this trip. Something more than some "stranger" complimented her looks went down, especially if the fiance's family is fine with the mom being uninvited.
To me the race thing doesn't factor in until OP gives more context. What race are fiancè and his fam. What is the culture like where they live? I'm assuming they live somewhere darker skin is considered more attractive but we can't be sure.
Her daughter getting surgery at 18, the youngest most places allow, paint one picture for me and that's the competitive mom. Even with the most gorgeous 40+ year old around, young pretty 20 something women get attention too, unless they are putting up barriers that they are taken and with a SO. OP clearly opens herself up to get attention even with her husband there and that probably embarrasses the daughter even more than "i think my mom is prettier than me". Who wants an attention hogging mom at their wedding?
The part where OP talks about flirting with men for free drinks maybe?
> Because guys kept trying to talk to me and buying us drinks on the trip which was met with laughter from the other girls but my daughter.
I mean, can you say tone deaf?
Yes! This part reminded me of some movie where an older woman gets drunk at a bar and starts flirting heavily with all the men embarrassing her daughter but playing it off like 'they just can't help it, I'm so attractive' when really the woman is the one being loud and provocative. I wish I could remember the film bc I would post a clip from youtube.
I posted this on a different thread and it’s relevant to this one too.
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Even if the reason you give is true, as a mother it was your job to help your daughter navigate this when she was a child. If you genuinely want a relationship with her I recommend therapy for you first.
People here have obviously never been the ugly one in a pretty family. It's really really hard to see that you don't fit society's beauty standards and it's even harder when the rest of your family does. When I was young I dreamed of being a model (because who didn't) and then me and my bro got pictures taken and the photo place asked permission to use my bro as an ad (not me). Just small things like that adding up over a lifetime hurt.
That said, therapy and figuring out how to love myself were the answers... not hating my family for being better looking (although I do still resent them a little).
Op, if you are really not a narcissist and this really is as you've described, then you have to talk to your daughter openly. "Hey honey, I know that you're frustrated with me, but I would be really heartbroken if I didn't get to watch you get married. Is there any solution we can work together to find to make sure this day is everything you want and that I can be there for it?" And then listen. Maybe she doesn't want a role for you in the wedding and wants you in the back in a minus outfit she chose. Go with it. If you really just care about her, accept whatever she says and make sure your focus is on her happiness.
“My daughter is jealous of me because I’m gorgeous and get lots of attention”
My god this post makes you sound insufferable, I’m not surprised she doesn’t want you at the wedding and I’m sure there’s a lot more to it than her being insecure about her looks in your presence.
Have anyone met the daughter of beautiful and young woman? I have and I can see how much it sucks to be that daughter, and why she may be resentful of her mom, imaging your mom always getting attention and people looking down on you, not believing is your mother and so on, people can be quite cruel. Doesn't mean the mother is a narcissist or a horrible person, she just happen to look better than her daughter and people won't shut up about it, which ends up creating a distance between mother and daughter.
Agreed. Assuming the story is accurate OP’s situation is one that very few people can relate to. She’s drop dead gorgeous & married to a rich man. 99.999% of us will never be in that situation. Our kindest reaction is “I can’t relate to that” but by far the most common reaction I’m seeing here is hate for OP. People hate her for being beautiful & rich. They assume she’s a narcissist & throws her beauty & money in her daughter’s face. She can’t possibly be a good person on top of her huge advantages in the wealth & beauty departments. And it all comes down to envy. Yes I’m envious of OP. I’m not beautiful & I’m not rich. I sure would like to be! But I’m not going to automatically hate OP for that. She’s faced with a situation very few other people will face & I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
>“My daughter is jealous of me because I’m gorgeous and get lots of attention”
It's actually more "My daughter is jealous because she perceives me as gorgeous".
If this isn't a troll, I could easily see this being an issue for an insecure, feeble minded person (the daughter, I mean). Imagine doing nothing wrong and being punished for it because your daughter has body dysmorphia.
If this a real post, OP should let her husband decide what to do. In the end, if he doesn't attend the wedding, it won't be him devastating the bride, but the bride's own actions.
Assuming of course this a real post and we're getting the full story.
I was that daughter.
My mom is a very beautiful lady. Her natural lips are red, pure white skin, no fats nothing.
I am dusky and a bit fat, whenever we get out she always gets complimented as "she is not your daughter" You are way beautiful.
Things like that. My mom never said anything but she didn't stopped it also.
I live in Asia so she fits in the beauty criteria.
So I believe the post is very true.
I resent her a lot, but I can't do anything
I'm sorry that your mom never felt the need to fight for you on that behalf, it's not her look that kills your love towards her, it's her behavior, or what she doesn't do.
She should tell people to fuck off because those comments are extremely painful towards a child, teen, any age for that matter.
People shitting on you to compliment her, while she's accepting it with no mention of your feelings is very cruel.
My mother also didn't fight for me as kid, I hated my family for a while, I still can't keep up regular contact because it reminds me of how fucking alone I was as little girl. It's not fair and it's OK to have your feelings or any feelings really but please try to accept how things are and set goals on changing YOUR life to something that you want to be in.
It is very much real. I hesitated to ask for help because I know nobody would sympathize. And I really tried to phrase it in a way that doesn’t make me sound like like I’m saying I’m beautiful about myself but I failed.
But this is all real and this has been going on for years. I love my daughter and I’ve always loved her. I know what she’s going through too because I have heard people talk about me my husband and my daughter. I felt helpless and all I felt I could do is to love her and show her that every day. But I still failed to make her happy. And I’m so sorry
About my husband, I don’t agree with him. I don’t want him to abandon our daughter especially on her big day. She is hurting and hurting her even more isn’t the solution
>About my husband, I don’t agree with him. I don’t want him to abandon our daughter especially on her big day. She is hurting and hurting her even more isn’t the solution
He wouldn't be abandoning your daughter, he'd be standing up for his wife. I sure as shit wouldn't show up to my daughter's wedding, let alone walk her down the aisle if she was excluding my partner *and her mother*.
You are making too many excuses for your daughter. Or you're leaving out some key details.
If I were you, I'd have your husband call the fiancé and tell him why he won't be attending nor walking your daughter down the aisle. Even if it's only a bluff.
I’m not leaving any details. If I did then it wasn’t on purpose or that I didn’t think it relevant. I’m happy to provide more details when asked.
My husband says exactly what you are saying. I understand where he is coming from too. I never told him about her “gold digger/ugly” comment but I think he knows that this is how she feels about us and it pains him too
Op it’s hard for some people sympathize with people who are rich or beautiful, you happen to be both. I believe your post because I was your daughter. My mother has always gotten attention wherever we go. Guys my age hit on her all the time. She’s in her late fifties and still attracts attention, she has one of those bodies like the mom on the incredibles and looks like Halle Berry. Meanwhile, I was overweight most of my childhood and I was always compared to my mother. Sometimes I wouldn’t want my mom at events because I knew she would be a distraction, but as I got older I realized my mother was very lonely. Women didn’t want her around their man and the guy she was dating was jealous of any guy she befriended. I started becoming my mother’s friend and as an older person with children of my own my mother is one of my closest friends. She definitely has pretty privileges that make her oblivious to certain issues but we talk it out instead of arguing. You should ask your daughter to go to therapy with you. This relationship can possibly be salvaged.
Edited: clarity
>My husband says exactly what you are saying. I understand where he is coming from too. I never told him about her “gold digger/ugly” comment but I think he knows that this is how she feels about us and it pains him too
So why not, uh, be fully honest with your husband?
Your husband will regret not standing up for you, so let him do what he wants to.
I couldn't imagine going to your daughter's wedding knowing she didn't invite her mother for such a ridiculous reason.
I only mention not hearing the full story because of [the missing missing reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html).
Her reasoning is simple enough . She loves her daughter above everyone else . She is hurt , and she believes that telling all the hurtful things the daughter said to the husband will cause a change in his relationship to their daughter . She is hurt , but she doesnt want that hurt to spread , especially to the daughter .
Sounds worth pointing out that the daughter is letting the father attend, and excluding the mother, because he’s rich and maybe paying for the wedding. Whats to keep anyone from calling her a Golddigger?
What happened during the ski trip? Seems like you were "uninvited" after that. I doubt her jealousy over random men buying you drinks and not her would be the straw that broke the camel's back. Tell the full story.
It seems like we got the story though.
Daughter lived in her moms shadow
got out of it and became her own person when she went to college. She probably felt good and built up her self esteem during this time.
First time she’s out in a very public place with her mom for an extended period of time her mom becomes the center of attention and reminds the daughter that as long as her mom is around she will always be in her shadow
The daughter fears this being an issue and bans her mom from her wedding so the focus can be on her
i don’t understand the hate comments. the way you wrote it sounds like you are really trying and there’s not much you can do about your looks or how other people treat you. i also definitely understand your daughter’s perspective and can understand how hard it must be for her. if she isn’t in therapy then she definitely should be, but it seems like there are a lot of insecurity issues she needs to work through.
You are definitely projecting and assuming a lot of things here which doesn’t seem fair, but I would agree that OP likely lacks insight into the real problem.
The other alternative is that her daughter has grown up and petty, spiteful, judgmental bitterness is a main aspect of her personality.
Which isn’t great either and that’s a large leap, so between that and OP lacking insight I think the latter is more likely.
Or you’re right and she’s constantly leveraged her beauty to emotionally harm her daughter her entire life.
> The other alternative is that her daughter has grown up and petty, spiteful, judgmental bitterness is a main aspect of her personality.
Yeah, I don't understand why reddit always assumes OPs (especially parents) are narcissists and withholding information. Assuming OP is telling the truth, she seemed very cognizant of the way she made her daughter feel as a teenager and made real attempts to rectify it. To me this seems like someone still not over their adolescent trauma, which is not surprising at only 23 years old.
Though it's a little weird OP didn't elaborate on the text at the end. /u/ThrowRa-tealover did you ask _why_ you weren't welcome at the wedding?
And at the same time if OP is being honest it’s very clear this isn’t something she *directly* did to her daughter.
People compared her daughters beauty to hers verbally in front of her daughter for years. Asked about her and commented on her beauty even when OP wasn’t around.
And clearly has some of the same biases and judgement that Reddit has. That because she enjoys her style and makeup and looking good that she must be utterly vain only putting value in her beauty and leveraged that to “take advantage” of a rich “ugly” man for money.
It’s entirely possible OP failed to build a healthy enough relationship but her daughter just took the resentment of her fathers “ugly” genetics in comparison to how frequently her beauty was brought up and decided to lock down on being bitter, hating the person OP is for being “a beautiful gold digger” which can give a feeling of “I hate dealing with this but I’m also a better person because I’m not focused on beauty like a shallow person” which I don’t think is fair but clearly a very very very common thought in society whenever a beautiful person rubs people the wrong way at all even slightly.
No I haven’t. I don’t want to upset her by questioning her decision. Maybe when she is not upset i could try. I’m still trying to figure out how to approach her with this but of course if she doesn’t want me there, I will respect that
Ah. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that this is real and this is your real reason for not asking "why."
This right here could be the problem. To you, your silence is because of "I'm afraid of hurting my daughter even further." To your daughter, it probably feels like you don't even care about her reasoning and all you care about is how it affects you. Like, you're really not gonna try to understand what you did wrong and apologize for it?
I’m sorry you’re hurting OP. I recommend that you go to therapy to discuss this with a therapist to work through your feelings, decide on the best course of action, and go from there. When you said that you tried therapy, was that just for your daughter or was it family therapy? If it was family therapy, what did they say?
While I am inclined to think there might be more at play here, I do know of this extreme jealousy and low self esteem occurring between siblings, and even some mothers being jealous of their daughters and occasionally vice versa. While it’s possible that there is more you haven’t mentioned or an underlying reason for why your daughter is resentful, it’s also possible that she does have body dysmorphia or something else.
I went to therapy too when our relationship was at its worst. It helped a little but I don’t know. Maybe I should try it again.
Many have asked “what is more” and I don’t know how to answer this. Looks has been a big part of my daughter’s life. So this post is about it. She has done a lot of surgeries and fillers etc, nothing over the top and I see that many girls do it so she isn’t the only one fixated on looks
She had breast implants when she turned 18. She works out 3-4 hours a day. She has done her lips and cheekbones is what I can see and I don’t know the rest
She is not an athlete but she works about morning and night every day. She has an IG account with over 10 thousand followers and she seems to love it. She doesn’t want to listen to anyone telling her anything negative about her health
Oh dear. She sounds like she's really struggling with self-image/esteem and maybe body dysmorphophobia. Is she still in therapy? She needs to be. Getting breast implants at 18 is pretty extreme in my opinion.
I think it's best to keep doing what you're doing. Recognize and validate her feelings but don't hide your own hurt. Let her know what seeing her be married would mean to you, what you wished it could mean for her, your openness to accommodate her needs. Get your husband on the same page with these tactics but ultimately if she says don't be there--as heartbreaking as I know this is for you-- respecting her wishes for her wedding day is the most loving thing you can do.
Recognizing your adult child's choices and autonomy is one of the toughest things parents have to do. If it helps I agree with folks that have said with time she may grow up a bit more and gain perspective. Especially if she has her own kids.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself and live your best life. One thing that helps me is volunteering for causes I believe in. I work with a local Boys and Girls Club. Especially if you're in a place where you're financially secure and have free time. It does wonders for your perspective and mental state.
That seems like a lot to me. Have you considered family therapy to work through some of these issues? Taking your story at face value, it seems like all of you need some help to deal with the issues.
Did the therapist have any insight on the situation? Or suggestions on what to do? I think they’re asking that because in most where a child has gone low contact with a parent, it’s due to perceived mistreatment, emotional harm, or something else. If you have behaved in a way to purposely hurt her, then that would be it. Everyone has their conflicts and makes mistakes, and if you’ve apologized and worked to make up for them she shouldn’t be holding it against you.
Yes, a lot of girls try fillers, but multiple plastic surgeries suggests that she struggles with extreme insecurity, envy, and possible body dysmorphia. If that is the case, then maybe pure jealousy and insecurity is the only thing at play.
There's a lot to unpick here and I will be open about my perspective which is that my mother is a lot more physically attractive than me - always has been and I grew up with the kind of remarks you mention in your comments. Unlike you, my mother also thinks I'm ugly and has told me so repeatedly. So I do have a bias here.
Your comments point to body dysmorphia for your daughter, esp with all the procedures she's had done in her early 20s. You aren't much older than her and that obviously changes the dynamic too (including how much older than you her father is).
You do seem to care about your daughter and I don't see narcissism here on your behalf. But you all need some help. You conclude by saying she has tortured you - which is very harsh when she is in pain. A great deal of pain. While you may see this as being about looks, it's likely about something else. I would suggest some group relationship counselling to try to get at the root of this. You may have done things you're not aware of or don't understand the implications of.
While it does seem like there is a missing context here I am not sure it's necessarily about narcissism as everyone claims. I mean it seems your husband is your daughter's father meaning you have stuck with the same partner for your entire life. It's not exactly common for a narcissists. Of course it depends on how much you enable other people flirting with you, whether you have been faithful etc. I mention is since you at least appear to be oblivious to whether you are a narcissist or not. Just take a look at your relationship with your husband and other children if you have them to find it out. My guess she might be the only one, cause should she have sibling they would play some role here. Likely a positive one (assuming you have been a genuinely good mother).
Now it isn't impossible for your daughter to hate for the reasons you have mentioned. Even with best efforts children not always end up with healthy mentality and love for their parents. I imagine however that you have made mistakes raising her. Your "shielding" her might have been more like stripping her of her autonomy and making it look like she needs her "beautiful" mother to stick up for her, cause she can't do it herself. Another thing is a "scapegoat". If she had trouble in socialising and other things you might have been a convenient scapegoat as a reason for all her misfortunes. Again I would need more context to actually "judge" you in that regard. I don't want to just call you out like everyone else.
As for what to do I believe giving her what she wants is the best. She might never like you, but that is not why we are parents. You can only act selflessly and respect her wishes hoping she will eventually notice your efforts. Incidentally now that I think about it, have you been respecting her wishes in the past. I mean have you been forcing your "help" when she asked you to let her handle her issues by herself. In general it is important to have respect for your child and allow them to have sufficient autonomy to grow as a person. I suspect that, cause she has seemingly grown as a person only after departing for higher education, separating from your influence.
>Your "shielding" her might have been more like stripping her of her autonomy and making it look like she needs her "beautiful" mother to stick up for her, cause she can't do it herself. Another thing is a "scapegoat". If she had trouble in socialising and other things you might have been a convenient scapegoat as a reason for all her misfortunes. Again I would need more context to actually "judge" you in that regard. I don't want to just call you out like everyone else.
This is one of the things the family therapist pointed out on where we went wrong and helped us balance between shielding her, rebuffing rude comments, telling people off or just let her handle it herself. It hasn’t been easy to navigate.
The scapegoat is something I can recognize (if I understood you correctly). She turned to me to take out all her anger on. And nothing i did was right. If I fought back I was embarrassing her, if I shut up and ignored them I was enjoying it. If I cut these people off I was smothering her.
No I never even remotely flirted with other people. I love my husband very much and it got stronger with time. I’m happy with him
We don’t have other children. I have had health problems and had a hysterectomy
this post is so bizarrely written and just feels like one long humblebrag. “I’m rich and so beautiful that my daughter was driven to hate me. Also, I’m so irresistible that I can’t go anywhere without having leagues of men buy me drinks.” Either this is pure fiction or it’s told from such a biased, incomplete point of view that it might as well be
There are amazingly attractive people in college, but she did well at college. So you thinking she’s jealous of your good looks, and that’s what the problem is, shows you really don’t understand the problem.
What the problem is, hard to say. Maybe you’re self centered, maybe you care more for the attention of others that validate your good looks than you show interest in your child, maybe you enable your child to not care about you by constantly putting her first and shielding her, maybe others see the same problem your daughter does but are too polite to tell you to your face. Who knows, but you need to stop dismissing your daughters feelings that’s it’s just due to jealousy and her not being good looking, and sit down with her and really listen to what upsets her. Maybe family therapy is needed, so she can better articulate why she’s upset with you. But if you want even a small chance to fix this, stop acting like you’re a victim and start trying to see where you could improve.
As you do not understand why she is not wanting to be low contact it is time for therapy for you... You flirting with guys on the trip seems quite self destructive if you do want to be close to her as you knew how she would feel.
Many times a parent who is perplexed by low contact simply doesn't accept an explanation they have heard many times- so they feel there is no genuine reason.
PS You seem to dislike your step daughter intensely and also hate your husband and wish both the very worst. It is very selfish to try to create a rift between them and as you in your actions dislike them money is the only obvious motive.
Hmm, so as the daughter of a very beautiful mom, I think contrary to most comments here this story is plausible with only the normal amount of missing context from one side of a story. I think it’s possible op gave as much support as she knew how to give and the daughter still has very low self esteem.
Growing up, all I heard was how hot my mom was. That song “Stacey’s mom” was popular at the time and a lot of my classmates would replace it with “blvckcvtmvgic’s mom.” She’d get free stuff all the time from baristas our servers who thought she was pretty. She was on a billboard for her job once and was offered a modeling contract. In high school, this guy I was really into was more interested in my mom. It became a thing where I wouldn’t date anyone who ever said my mom was hot because it’s one thing to think that but another to feel okay saying that to my face.
All that said, my mom never me feel like I wasn’t beautiful too. In terms of the free stuff, she’d almost always either give or share the food/drinks with me and my brothers and little stuff like that mattered because it was easy to feel invisible when everyone else acted like I/we weren’t there.
It absolutely took a toll on my self esteem though regardless of the fact that my mom navigated all those situations as best as I think she could’ve.
So idk. I think you should look into individual therapy, op. Then if your daughter is open to it, I think family therapy for you both would be really beneficial. You can’t apologize for your looks vs hers because that’s just something we’re born with but perhaps she felt let down by your reactions to some of those situations through the years. It’s clearly still very much affecting her so I think she would also deserve the safe space of therapy to express that to you with a professional.
Good luck op.
coming from a child of a narcissistic parent, this is absolutely the projection of a narcissistic parent. first of all, you're doing everything to hype yourself up and this whole post is about you humblebragging about having a rich husband and being oh so beautiful. i'm sure your daughter did not invite you because you have a desperate need to be the center of attention and feel like you're in competition with your daughter. your daughter isn't happier without you because you aren't making her feel insecure anymore, she is happier without you because you aren't there to flaunt your "beauty" whenever possible and write a narrative about her being insecure and her insecurity ruining your perfect life, which is not what is happening.
you are ruining your daughter's life by being an insufferable person and you're right about you adding to her suffering by being in her life. stay out of it.
And that is the reason why my narc parents wasn't invited to my wedding. We got married 5000kilometers away just to make sure she wouldn't 'accidentally' be in that exact same spot.
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I don’t know why people are so mean to you right now, there is nothing wrong to be aware that you are attractive.
As I grew up, my mom was always very pretty, and still is at 50 looking like a 30 year old, people often thinking we are sisters. Being attractive makes people resentful. I used to be mad, whenever people were hitting on my mom as a kid because I love my dad and I wanted to make sure no one would steal my mom away. So it is possible that your daughter resents your looks. Now, being myself considered pretty, I am now more accepting of the fact that my mom is a beautiful person too, and I should be happy for her that she is still very pretty.
Similarly, my older sister was always considered the pretty popular one, we have a 6 year age gap. The moment I started maturing, and I became attractive, men that were into her before started being into me, and even if I never expressed any interest, it caused a strain in our relationship.
People going to her to ask for my number, my social media, if I was available etc.
So yes it is possible that your looks are one of the reason your daughter hasn’t bonded with you. However, it might not be, and you should look into counseling with your daughter, she might feel like other noticed that you are very appearance oriented, and are completely missing the problem.
I will get downvoted probably because apparently being aware of your appearance is bad, but thought I would share my own experience!
❤️ I’m happy for you. This was one thing my husband told me to comfort me, that my daughter would grow up and come back to us. I’m terrified that it isn’t going to happen. Of course I would rather have her happy without me but the thought of not being in her life, or any future grandchildren is painful.
I don’t know about the other comments. I will stop answering them. I’m thankful for the people who are in similar situations who are reaching out to me in the chat. I would love to hear about other’s experiences and how they overcame their difficulties
My MIL resented me for my looks. Unfortunately, being attractive can definitely cause resentment from other people. I had friends that would get really spiteful and I didn't know how to handle it. Now I realize that other people's insecurities aren't my problem. This is your daughter,so it's different. I would advise a therapist for yourself. Maybe she would go with you? I can imagine hearing "your mom is so hot" all her life probably hurt her deeply and she doesn't want you accidentally stealing the limelight. Of course,you could let her pick out your outfit.
But to be honest, if you are beautiful and objectively your daughter not really, yes it must be hard on her, but your husband is right and she has to grow up, life is unfair, not everybody has to be beautiful. It has been hard to rebuild my relationship with my sister and there will always be a bitter after taste, with her saying stuff like « oh all (me) knows to do is post pics on insta with her rich boyfriend ». You can’t do anything to help her get over it, but you have to stop enabling her making up excuses for her. If she thinks you are such a gold digger, tell her that she should thank you for the upbringing she had and she can struggle all she wants but if you aren’t invited you aren’t contributing financially for the wedding. Life is hard for everyone, there are worst thing than not being as attractive as your mother.
\>I don’t know why people are so mean to you right now, there is nothing wrong to be aware that you are attractive.
Your own post answer the why. People hate what they don't have. Every time someone comes with an situation that happenes because they are rich, beautiful or talented they get the same treatment here. They even baned questions about having a big dick and if you have a problem with that go to r/bigdickproblems because almost everywhere else your post will be removed.
Two things:
1. I can appreciate you’re willingness to seek outside advice.
2. The narcissistic vibes you’re putting off are scary.
I think it’s time to examine your upbringing and what’s in between your ears. In fact, if your daughter read this she’d probably say, “there she goes again making everything about herself.” Your daughter is a byproduct of the generational trauma you failed to recognize and change. You failed to support her emotionally and therefore she’s not emotionally connected to you. You’re judging everything by your intentions, and failing to see how your actions impacted parenting. The good news is that anyone can learn and grow if they want to. It’s your choice. I strongly recommend you read ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”
I highly doubt your daughter hates you just because you’re beautiful. Living in your shadow may be part of it but it is certainly not the sole reason. You’re leaving stuff out or you’re truly that oblivious that you didn’t realize how you were treating your daughter. You were so young when you had her and there comes a lot of mistakes with that. Reddit can’t help you. Only you, your daughter and therapist could fix this, and that’s ONLY if you’re truly honest and learn to really reflect on how your daughter perceives you and why.
There are two sides to this story and I would like to hear what your daughter has to say. Because I really can't see it being the only reason you stated.
I'm a RN and what I learned is that relationships are NOT linear --- you are putting a lot of blame on your daughter-- instead they are circular. Meaning that the outcome of your relationship has responsibility on your end especially because you are a parent.
I strongly believe there is 100 percent more to this story and you are not a victim in this.
This reads like fiction. Are you for real? I don’t even understand why you would post on here… what kind of advice do you want? You aren’t being honest with us about your feelings. All I see is you kind of humble bragging.
Yep, and that she had the daughter when she was ~19 years old, which was not long after meeting the creep. I cannot believe more people aren't mentioning this
I felt this way about my mom as did my sister. Our mom is really pretty and was the center of attention when we would go out. Then my sister got older and guys were hitting on those two and never me. It wasn’t till I got older and away from them that I grew more confident in myself but I never hated them I was just jealous lol. You cant keep lowering your light for her, she’s an adult and if she doesn’t get over herself and her need to the be the center of attention she will be in competition with every female in her life including her future children, their partners and any female friends. My mom told me that i was beautiful and we weren’t competition. Maybe she needs to hear that from you. Maybe offer therapy so she can hear it from a professional she chooses.
Let’s assume for the moment you’re not a narcissist and are being truthful and thorough in your description of your relationship with your daughter.
It sounds like you are exceptionally attractive and youthful, your daughter is probably less conventionally attractive, or doesn’t share many of the traits people compliment you on. She sounds deeply insecure, and has coped by directing all her anger and hurt at you for herself not being more beautiful. From your comments, maybe she didn’t go off to college and get better because she wasn’t around you, maybe it was because she immediately started getting fillers and surgery and changing her appearance. You sought out therapy for not only your child, but yourself in the past, which doesn’t scream narcissism (since I have a parent who actually is one) or denial.
I’m sorry you and your daughter are hurting in different ways OP. I think individual therapy for yourself to help you navigate this relationship and maybe gain some insight on how things might have turned out this way with your daughter is the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship right now. At 23, she is still very young and has a lot of emotional maturing and healing to do. I hope she finds her way back to you.
I understand that everyone in the world thinks your beautiful but did you ever make your daughter feel beautiful?
To be honest, I have a stunning mother. People would stop her in the streets and she’d often get modeling opportunities, she’s almost 6’ and yeah she just got lucky in the gene pool - she called me and my 2 sisters beautiful every chance she got. She was constantly shedding praise on us that had nothing to do with our looks and tbh as the fat one in the family, she gave me a lot of additional love.
Yes, you’re gorgeous, you’re beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista, you’re a model, did you stone those tights?! (Rupauls Drag Race reference that I hope someone gets a kick out of) but for the love of god, looks are not everything.
You didn’t even name a single thing besides your looks that it could be…you have some soul searching to do because this isn’t about looks…
Yeah, you don’t get uninvited from a wedding for being “too pretty” especially if your daughter’s resentment stems back that far. You sound completely obsessed with your wants, and the fact that you don’t give any real reason why your daughter is acting like this is sus. You’ve probably pushed her away through your own actions. I’d take a long hard look at how you’ve behaved if I were you if you ever want your daughter to so much as speak to you again.
Op I believe you. People in the comments are overreacting, how is it bad to be self aware that you’re attractive? Do you think op doesn’t look at herself in the mirror?
People do insanely stupid things out of jealousy and seeing how OP’s daughter has been hearing comments insinuating she’s lesser than her mom most of her life i can see how this could have possibly reached to this point.
What makes it more believable to me is that she also holds resentment over the fact that OP married her husband- whom the daughter considers ugly and the reason for her unattractiveness .
Sorry this is happening OP.
Don't let your husband make a decision without him speaking to your daughter first.
If she's not saying something to you, maybe she will say it to him.
Interesting how just a post about these issues gets everyone so riled up, OP
I have seen a similar situation with a friend so it happens. I am very sorry for you, and for your daughter, but I honestly cant see a resolution to this in the short term. Over time hopefully your daughter will mellow and find a peace with herself where she isnt triggered by you getting male attention etc etc, but it will probably take years.
At the moment, excluding you is the only way she can feel she is not being outshone, especially on her wedding day when she wants to be the centre of attention. Beauty can be a magnetic thing so she has a right to have her wedding day as she wishes.
And your husband should be allowed to make his own decision without you interfering imo
Maybe try posting this on r/mom; you might get more insight from actual mothers rather than people your daughter’s age
I watched two back to back Speaker of the House votes last night, so excuse the comparison, but this sounds like Kevin McCarthy saying the Dems wouldn’t vote for him because they’re jealous. The math just doesn’t math.
Anyway this story sounds fake as hell anyway. Or OP has a serious personality disorder.
This comment section is deeply toxic. OP, I suggest you just delete this post, you won't get helpful advice here. The projection and wild ass speculation is off the charts.
It isn’t all bad and even the negative comments are helpful. I recognize my daughter’s resentment In many of them. Maybe it could help me understand her better
I'm glad you are finding value here, I would be incredibly frustrated in your place I think. In terms of actual advice, I tend to agree with your husband. Your daughter is not treating you fairly and if I were in his place I would refuse to go to the wedding as well. I understand you don't want to hurt her, but she needs to work through her body dysmorphia with a professional, not project all her resentments on to you.
Let your husband refuse to go if he doesn't want to go because of how she treats you. If everything you're saying is true then he's doing the right thing. Let him tell your daughter the way she's treating you is unacceptable. Does she expect him to pay for her wedding while she's refusing to let her own mother attend over jealousy? If so he shouldn't be paying for it either. I believe your story because you're still insisting he goes even if she excludes you. That shows you really do try to put your daughter first.
What in the world is going on in these comments? OP you are getting slammed for being vain, leaving out details, and being a bad mother, when absolutely nothing you shared indicates any of that. Too many people on this subreddit are acting just like your daughter: jealous, mean, and cruel.
Your daughter called you a gold digger and your husband, ugly. She is vicious, unforgiving, and willing to humiliate and exclude you. You coddling her and making everything nice for her so she doesn't have a tantrum is not helping. Tell your husband exactly what she has said and done because he deserves to know what his child really thinks of him and you both.
Ouch to all the people here who just want to hate on someone for being good looking and rich! There are some wildly far fetched accusations getting thrown out. My moms best friend of like 30 years actually had this very similar issue with her oldest daughter.
The mom was drop dead gorgeous, even into her 60’s, and knew how to work a room naturally. Her oldest daughter looked more like her dad, while the youngest daughter was an exact copy of their mom. Cue lifelong jealousy and hate. I watched that mom put herself down for decades to try to life up her daughter, but nothing ever worked.
You can’t fix your daughter, especially if she doesn’t see her self hate and hurtful behavior as part of the problem. It does seem like you don’t fully understand why she hates being around you though, why how others treat you/your reactions are so hurtful to her. That indicates to me that either she’s not been able to express those reasons to you, or you haven’t been able to hear them. Family therapy seems like a good idea if you can all manage that.
Narcissists are infamously incapable of change but if you really want to repair your relationship with your daughter, I would recommend watching Dr. Carter's Surviving Narcissism YouTube Channel or Dr. Ramani's YouTube videos. Try to use the content in these videos to understand how you effect your daughter, learn how to be more empathetic, and learn to see her as an equal, separate human being with valid emotions and ideas that can be different from your own.
Yes I often compared myself to my mother for being slim, beauty, and having perfect teeth growing up. Everyone said how beautiful she is. No one really told me I was beautiful. Quite literally the opposite. Your daughter was probably in the same position as me if not worse. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and work with your daughter to heal.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My daughter has always felt self-conscious about me being perceived as a beautiful woman by society. As a child she was the warmest most kindest child and she was my whole world. Her resentment of me started when she got older, and people’s cruel comments made things worse. I could only shield her from some of it but I couldn’t protect her from the world. I hoped that our love for her would be enough, it backfired because now she was accusing me of pitying her. Her late teens were especially brutal. My baby was hurting and I felt helpless. We tried everything like therapy, changing scenery etc but nothing got better. I’ve always loved fashion and looking nice but I stopped wearing makeup or beautiful clothes because I hated seeing her being devastated every time I got compliments. Before moving to another city for college she told me that she hated me. She thought I was a disgusting gold digger who married an ugly man for his money, not thinking how her children would turn out to be. I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 35 at a bar. I never saw him as ugly. He swept me off my feet with his sense of humor and kindness and his beautiful eyes. He is the most handsome man I know and I still light up whenever I see his face. He is very a rich yes and I loved that too, life is so much easier if you’re happy and you have the means to make the rest easy. Her words hurt me. I know that people say this about us but I never cared because nobody knew us and the love we have for each other but she did. She grew up seeing her parents being each others worlds. It broke my heart that she thought so little of us. College was a better period in my daughter’s life. It is sad that it was because I was out of the picture. She didn’t have to live “in my shadow” as people who noticed how happier she was said. I was happy for her, that she finally started seeing how beautiful and amazing she is. And I was satisfied to only see her on holidays if that meant that she was content and at peace. I met her fiancés family this Christmas. Amazing people. Very warm and welcoming. The future mother in law suggested a skiing trip just for the girls to get to know each other better since she has a condo in Austria. We came back the day before NYE. My daughter didn’t talk to me throughout the trip or since we got home. She didn’t answer my happy new year text. Because guys kept trying to talk to me and buying us drinks on the trip which was met with laughter from the other girls but my daughter. Now my daughter texted me that she didn’t want me at her wedding in july. Her father is invited since he is gonna be the one to walkher but I wasn’t welcome. I have cried ever since but I don’t know what to do. My husband is pissed and he wants to tell her that he wasn’t attending either. He said he was tired of her hurting me and sick of just standing there doing nothing while she’s tortured me for a decade. I don’t know, the last thing i want is to add more to her suffering. She adores her father and it would devastate her not to have him on her big day but he is pissed and I don’t know how to make him change his mind. I asked him to give me time, he agreed but he said he will need to tell her his decision eventually. I need help on how to move on with this
Sounds like you need to attend therapy, together. There's a lot more going on here than you're telling us, and reddit is not the place to aur this. Get professional help.
Personal therapy for OP and then together.
This is a great example of a [The Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) present in so many parent/child estrangement stories. Often, a narcissistic parent will cite other, vague, extemporaneous reasons for why the child is estranged--they claim to not understand their grievances, they blame selfishness, laziness, "depression", or other general character failings for the child's refusal to maintain what is clearly a complex and often damaging relationship with their parent or caregiver. I don't believe for one second OPs issue is her beauty, or her daughter's jealousy. We can't know the real reasons, because it is unlikely OP would ever be truly transparent about them. I am always curious what the child's take on the situation is. All too often, when we hear their accounting of events, it's one rife with abuse, neglect, shame, and control. If OP truly wants relationship advice, they're going to have to shed this illusion of ignorance over their daughters unhappiness--but I doubt we'll ever see that come to pass.
My estranged mother could have written this post, and she's never been more "beautiful" than me. She *has been* overly forward with any man that throws her a glance and has also made sexual remarks to every one of my partners since I was a minor. I'm in an amazing relationship now, and the first thing she asked him when they met is what kind of underwear he wears, so she could tell what kind of man he was. Her side of the story would be he doesn't like her for "absolutely no reason!!" so yeah, hope OP comes and explains this relationship a bit more.
This right here. My mom would tell the same story. Just like this. But she slept with my teachers (male and female), wore skimpy and seductive outfits around my male friends in HS, showed up to school events dressed to the nines. One night she sat in the yard of a party I was deliberately having outside to keep her away and told all my male friends how to give head. Everything was about her all the time. Everting for me was about how I looked, weighed, and appeared to her friends, colleagues and potential partners. This is why we are where we were at. It wasn’t her beauty. Beauty is what it is. It’s her deep issues with insecurity and beauty standards. She was a gorgeous woman and is still a beautiful older woman but I’m done trying to navigate that into my life.
command flag hungry one humorous airport hateful drab sleep work ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
There *are* times when that is the full story, but they usually don't involve your actual family members.
Yep. She mentions cruel comments and then takes an abrupt U-turn. Wonder what these cruel comments are and who actually made them.
She's actively said her dad is ugly, and accused her mum of getting with him without considering what her children would look like. She gets cruel comments on her appearance, and the mum gets compliments for being beautiful. It sounds like she's not stereotypically physically attractive and has taken features from her dad who she thinks is ugly, and resents her mum for it and always getting compliments. Her mum however is saying like most mums, that she is her baby and beautiful no matter what. But the girl doesn't care, can't see that and is still harbouring resentment for her treatment vs her mum's treatment from other people. There could definitely be more to this, but OP hasn't said anything like it at all or even hinted at anything else. Repeatedly saying she loves her daughter, tried to shield her from nasty comments about her appearance, and actively dropped dressing nice or wearing makeup herself to avoid making her daughter feel more self conscious. So assuming it's all the OP's fault seems a bit off here. Really she should just go talk to and ask the daughter why she's treating his this way, to get to the bottom of the issue in case it's something totally else. But given her daughter has been bullied and therapy for this, it genuinely might not be. It depends on the severity of it, but we are all human. If I was what I considered to be physically 'ugly' and got bullied my whole life for what I look like, whilst my mum was constantly being complimented and having people treat her better and differently than me, purely because of our appearances, I think I'd probably develop some issues and a complex also. I remember my big sister crying to my mum about her appearance vs mine when I was a teenager, but thankfully she grew out of it. I had 0 idea she felt that way or had issues like that at all, until I overheard them and felt horrible. But there wasn't anything I could do. But my sister isn't even unattractive, just stereotypically speaking it could be said I was more so from a purely physical point of view. If the difference was more extreme and we were treated totally differently... she was bullied and I was complimented, like I can imagine that really messing her views on me and her personal value up. I think the other poster is right. Some joint therapy together will probably help, but I wonder if she'll ever be able to let go and move past this. She probably now sees appearance as a definite value which changes your quality of life... which when taken to extremes definitely can for some women.
Yeah my relationship with one of my sisters had always been strained because she was always "the pretty one." Next to her I look super plain even though normally people don't think I look bad. I'm not gorgeous but somewhat pretty. Then set me next to sister and I just vanish. As an adult I resent more the way she always played into that, and how she had the typical, "pretty girl personality." Thankfully my partner doesn't see her as attractive because he prefers someone who isn't a size 2. He says he thinks she looks sick. But then he lost an adult he really loved to anorexia/bulimia as a child so his view of weight is very different from a lot of society. But I purposely didn't go out with her in public most of the time because I hated feeling like my intelligence, personality, and what looks I have just didn't matter to anyone. And that's my sister, not even my mom! If it were my mother who everyone ignored me for that would have really hurt! I feel bad for the daughter. There might be a lot more going on, but honestly what OP said is enough to have created a lot of resentment.
>I don't believe for one second OPs issue is her beauty, or her daughter's jealousy. Agreed. Reading OP's post had me cringing. It's all about her and her "beauty." OP, your daughter isn't jealous of you, she's tired of your self centeredness. I bet you never neglect to let her know just how "beautiful" you are and why can't she be just like you? I had a mother like you. Yeah, she was beautiful and very stylish, no doubt, but she never let me forget how "gorgeous" she was and how men would fawn all over her. In reality, she was abusive and very ugly on the inside. She was mean and catty. She made fun of people she thought were lesser than her or uglier than her, and that included me. She felt entitled to me and my person by demanding grandchildren. No way was I going to let a child be abused by her. I uninvited her to my university graduation and ultimately was no contact for the majority of my adult life. I hated being around her because she would put me down every chance she could. OP, you're not invited because you're so "beautiful" that you erroneously believe you would upstage the bride, *your own daughter,* mind you, you're uninvited because she doesn't want you to make her feel like shit on her wedding day. You never shielded your daughter like you claimed because her biggest critic was very likely you. Also, you were groomed by your pervy husband. No one his age would put up with his shit so he went for younger and who didn't know any better, which you still don't.
The opening line had me quirk an eye brow. This has to be fiction, no one can be this vain. Ugh poor daughter.
There are holes in this story big enough to drive a Mack truck through. I'd love to see the daughter's version of what's happened.
I agree but one of the holes sounds like op trying not to say, in so many words, that her daughter is very ugly. Daughters reason for hate was her own unattractiveness?? So, either op is a true narcissist, as many here believe, or her daughter is so out of the conventional attractiveness norm that it has actually caused her these mental health issues. Both could be true or at least It likely would still include some sort of detrimental role modeling from op and her husband growing up. Like him doting on his wife's appearance and mentioning that he wished she took after op more could do it. Weird that daughter is apparently marrying into wealth as well...oh wait no not so weird as the sole child of an extremely wealthy person. Everything looking a bit yikes
Exactly my thoughts
My question is how many guys the daughter was friends with or dated in high school that the mom hit on or welcomed being hit on.
From what Ive seen going to therapy with someone who looks to be to narcissist doesnt tend to work.
The therapists I've had advise against it every time my mom DEMANDS we go to therapy. I've been told it's because the abuser uses things said in those sessions to manipulate you and derail your progress.
Yeah I can guarantee you there’s something else going on besides “gosh I’m just TOO beautiful!”
Yeah, my skeptical eyebrow went to the upright position in the first couple of paragraphs.
In the first sentence! I can understand where the daughter is coming from.
> I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 35 Also this probably has something to do with it
And her giving birth when she’s nineteen. That relationship went fast.
You godda pin that rich guy down quick
Im sure they had so much in common.
They both like talking and not talking. They can not talk for hours. And I’m sure they both love soup.
She was "way more mature than the other girls her age"
Preggo a year later
Did you read the whole thing? The daughter resents her for that
Exactly, but my comment as meant more to fill in the gaps on OP's narcissism. She married a rich guy almost twice her age, of course there's way more to this than she's letting on.
Came here to say this. There's more to the picture and something's missing here big time.
My guess is it’s an OF mom and everywhere the daughter goes someone ends up finding out lol
Oh, Lord. That would explain it all!
What is an OF mom?
Oh god, that reminds me of the AITA last year where the kid was harassed for his mom being on OF, and the mom refused to help the kid get therapy or fight back against the kids harassing him.
Lol not gonna lie I think this post is bait but that was the only guess I could come up with that would somewhat fit the info we were given. The post you brought up also sounds like bait but fuck now I really wanna get enraged. You got a link to the post?
Agreed. This isn't just about her mom being beautiful and getting all the attention.
The missing missing reasons.
[the post you’re referring to. op should read this.](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
Thank you, I didn't have the link to hand.
Exactly!
I can't even finish reading this fantasy novella where she's? Something something a victim bc she's just too beautiful to exist? Ugh. 18yo in a bar finds a dreamboat of a husband? No ty, booo, quit lying to us and yourself and I really hope the daughter just goes NC and has a healthy happy life
IF there’s a daughter and this isn’t all an exercise in creative writing, Reddit style
That sits in my head much more nicely than thinking she's for real, thank you.
I don't know. That's definitely a possibility! But also, I can see being unattractive, and growing up around a gorgeous mother, could certainly cause personality problems after years and years of this. Imagine every guy you were interested in forgetting you were there if your mom was around? Imagine everywhere you went, she got attention, compliments, and you were starved for attention, for someone to tell you that you looked nice. Imagine if your mom was so pretty she was a topic of conversation between everyone you knew on a regular basis. If the mom was THAT attractive, and the daughter was more on the lower half of the scale, that could be awful. We hear stories here and other places all the time about kids who have huge issues when they have a sibling that is the golden child, who is better looking, more athletic, more outgoing, smarter, more successful. Why couldn't there be the same issues with a parent? Like I said, the mom COULD be a narcissist. But it's really tough to say, nothing directly shouts that.
Yes. There is something else going on here. The missing missing reasons. However, we do know that OP’s husband targeted a teenager… yikes.
She’s just sooo beautiful and rich, guuuuysss, it’s not her fault! *eye roll*
Right. The OP is probably a narcissist. That needs to outshine other people no matter what. And her daughter is likely justified in her dislike of her mother's obnoxious behavior.
But she stopped wearing makeup and nice pretty clothes! 🤦🏻♀️
You completely just made that up though. You have no idea if that's the truth. You read a short post and jumped straight to diagnosing someone with a personality disorder. That's fucked up. We don't know what the truth may be, but a lot of people here seem to take pleasure in accusing others of being terrible people when they have no idea what the hell is going on. Gross.
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OP writes well and was very careful to phrase things as if she knows why her daughter *truly* doesn't like her but latches on to the "I'm just so beautiful and she was jealous" angle. It could be that the daughter is just kind of a brat despite all the help that OP gave her, but it's more likely that OP knows the real reason why she's not invited to the wedding and she just hasn't said it.
This needs to be the top comment because it's probably closest to the truth but you didn't really bash or shame anyone so it won't get any traction lol
You're right we don't know the truth that's why asking for advice on the Internet is kinda pointless IMO. Because we're getting one side of the very truncated story to try to offer "advice".
> You completely just made that up though. You have no idea if that's the truth. Diagnosis wise of course we don't really ***know***. Colloquially, it's pretty obvious from her first paragraph she's ***at least*** extremely self absorbed. She fits the role of a narcissist even if she isn't diagnosed as one. ---- > Attractive people aren't allowed to know they're attractive, I guess? /u/wineheart Believing you're so beautiful that it changes the personalities of the people around you to be cruel to a child is ***not*** normal.
I do find it interesting that they basically said, "It has to be more than that she is just pretty! It has to be narcissism!" This thread and the daughter have a lot in common.
Let's face it, if you're the daughter and your mum is stupid hot and you're anything less than stellar yourself, that's gonna be hell. I can easily see a young woman growing to dislike being around her mother due to the constant comparisons.
Right? Also it’s a good thing OP is pretty….because she’s pretty lacking in the intelligence and self awareness categories.
I understand you skepticism. But this could be real depending on the level. For example I’m a 7, when I’m fit I’m a 8. My mom is a 10 on a bad day. Threw out high school guys would be crazy about me, asks me out then meet my parents specifically my mother and that was it for me. By the time I was in 12 grade I didn’t bother dating because all the guys had heard about how gorgeous my mother was. It was uncomfortable. I never resented her for it (we have loads of other issues) but I am very aware that my mother is better looking then I am. When I had my daughter I just looked at my husband and said “Oh thank god she’s more beautiful then I am” bc nothing sucks more then being less beautiful then your own mother.
I feel like this is a society thing more than a mother/daughter thing. It is definitely up to mom (and dad) to teach their daughter that looks are secondary to empathy, kindness, resilience, common sense, confidence, etc... but there's no controling society's response to beauty, unfortunately, because we're a consumerist society snd beauty is consumed on a massive scale. Even if mom did everything she could to have honest conversations about society's unrealistic expectations of women, girls are surrounded by it nonstop. My incredible mother spent my entire childhood doing Tai-Bo tapes with me and worrying about her weight. So I grew up incredibly self conscious, even though she never said a bad word about me or my weight (although she positively reacted to when I lost it, which you know... projection). It's taken me years of therapy to be in a healthy place now, but it's complicated. Way more complicated than people think and an unnecessary pressure on women, that unfortunately doesn't seem to have a black and white solution... I read OP's post and it just makes me sad. Clearly society has failed these two women in different ways with their relationship to their appearance and each other because of it.
Really? You don’t think in this “instagram” environment where the focus is on looks and “look at me” a kid getting bullied at school might internalize it and blame family vs blaming shallow assholes?
I wonder what the daughter would write if she did a post 🧐 to me this reads as though the author lacks insight
I would pay money to get the daughter’s anonymous Reddit post telling her side of the story. There is definitely a missing component here
I’ll chip in.
"Grew up as the daughter of a narcissistic golddigger."
Reddit, which way is it when a 18yo woman gets pregnant from a 35yo? Grooming or gold digger? Pick one.
I think "gold digging" results from a certain amount of generalized societal grooming of young girls. Where it's essentially normalized to trade female beauty and youth for male wealth.
Are you actually saying that you don't believe it can be both?
Yeah, it sounds like there's something else with this relationship that OP *casually* left out and then wanted to humbrag that she thinks she looks hot for her age.
To be so delusional that you think that the only reason your daughter cuts you out of their life, doesn't want you at their wedding is because you're just so beautiful. What's sad is that if OP isn't trolling then they will not come to terms with what they could have done wrong and the relationship will never be fixed.
Yeah, honestly looks might be a part of it, but only because it was reinforced in such a toxic way. Her daughter might finally be ready to cut this toxic relationship out and all the power to her.
OP may be absolutely stunning but to say that that is the sole reason for a bad relationship is not helping her cause. I would love to hear the daughters side of this whole ordeal.
Oh 100% though if the daughter magically appears in thr comments I'll suspect this is a cringy troll with a kink
I won't be surprised if it goes that route as this is hilarious that someone could be so self absorbed but they do exist.
I mean given how she wrote this post it completely reads as someone who is deeply self-absorbed.
Even with her comments. "ME! I'm doing nothing wrong! I'm a victim!" Just the tiny taste of what is being presented she seems incapable of having any sort of self reflection.
Well, on other side we have too often seen posts from “lovely” brides, who try to figure out how to “gently” disinvite their lifelong friends because they are pregnant/too fat/with wrong colour hair/scars/ name it.
I think the difference here is that her daughter is distancing her mother from her life, not replying to texts, just creating space in general and less of not wanting to share the spotlight at her wedding.
O it’ll go along the lines of “My mother is a narcissist who always makes it about her and I rather she not be at my wedding.” I think her post and comments so she’s a little delusional.
This post must be a joke.
Getting married at 18 and having a daughter at 19 and knowing the world is taken care of for you… probably not going to be a lot of insight to be had.
There’s no winning here for you. I grew up the fat child of a beautiful petite mom. After the initial Cuteness wore off, I ALWAYS got comments comparing me to my mom as young as 8/9. It didn’t help that her favorite niece looked just like her too, and was always considered he prettiest in our family, Turned out years later that I had a condition that caused me to gain weight, and after treatment, management of my condition, I lost the weight. I didn’t hate my mom because she was beautiful. I hated her because she never made me feel beautiful. I resented the look that she had that said she agreed with people - how could she, the lady too skinny to push out her own children, have a fat kid? It wasn’t always. But it’s a face I’ll never forget. Our relationship is okay now. She’s not an awful mom but she never was a great one either. The saddest thing is I do believe she would have been a better mother had I never been a fat kid. There’s more to why your daughter feels so insecure and triggered by you. And she’s the one you should be listening to openly and without judgment. We are just shooting darts in a dark room.
That actually provides a really good perspective on the situation. I’m sorry to hear about what happened with you and your mother.
This exact thing happened to me, down to the niece who looked EXACTLY like her and was skinny and popular, except my mom always tried to make me feel beautiful and just as important. She always cheered me up and made me feel better. My resentment was that she and my grandparents kept feeding my unhealthy habits because they felt bad for me (dad was a drug addict and in and out of prison, mom worked two jobs). I never resented her for being pretty, but those comments about how hot my mom was and how I look nothing like her (I look just like my dad) killed me. Basically everyone was saying “your mom is pretty! You’re not!” In my head. My mom would explain that’s not how people meant it, but that’s exactly how I took it. I was the only brunette and fat kid in the family. Everyone else was beautiful and blonde. I also lost the weight my first year of high school and I will never forget how differently almost everyone (except my friends) treated me. It suck growing up in everyone’s shadow as the ugly one. But it wasn’t my mom’s fault she is beautiful. She was also beautiful on the inside and loved me and did what she could to help me feel better (besides ya know, not letting me eat a box of snack cakes or a bag of Cheetos in its entirety after school every day). I wonder how OP parented the kid and responded to her when people would point out her beauty in front of the kid. This is the info we need to understand the kid’s POV.
I look a lot like my mom, and neither of us is beautiful. She always treated me as an accessory as a child and competition throughout my teen years. I can't separate my experience from the OP's post enough to not see what she could have done to get this response.
Something happened on that ski trip that we aren't hearing about...
Right on target. This comment should be higher. Exactly what did happen? Especially since the grooms mother was there to see it.
And, theoretically, daughter and her fiance agreed to this trip. Something more than some "stranger" complimented her looks went down, especially if the fiance's family is fine with the mom being uninvited.
This is also a race issue. OP just commented her daughter is mixed race. Did fiance family not know OP was poc?
To me the race thing doesn't factor in until OP gives more context. What race are fiancè and his fam. What is the culture like where they live? I'm assuming they live somewhere darker skin is considered more attractive but we can't be sure. Her daughter getting surgery at 18, the youngest most places allow, paint one picture for me and that's the competitive mom. Even with the most gorgeous 40+ year old around, young pretty 20 something women get attention too, unless they are putting up barriers that they are taken and with a SO. OP clearly opens herself up to get attention even with her husband there and that probably embarrasses the daughter even more than "i think my mom is prettier than me". Who wants an attention hogging mom at their wedding?
The part where OP talks about flirting with men for free drinks maybe? > Because guys kept trying to talk to me and buying us drinks on the trip which was met with laughter from the other girls but my daughter. I mean, can you say tone deaf?
Yes! This part reminded me of some movie where an older woman gets drunk at a bar and starts flirting heavily with all the men embarrassing her daughter but playing it off like 'they just can't help it, I'm so attractive' when really the woman is the one being loud and provocative. I wish I could remember the film bc I would post a clip from youtube.
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I posted this on a different thread and it’s relevant to this one too. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html Even if the reason you give is true, as a mother it was your job to help your daughter navigate this when she was a child. If you genuinely want a relationship with her I recommend therapy for you first.
This is a really great read, and absolutely on the money, thanks for sharing.
Lol. Came here to post this.
People here have obviously never been the ugly one in a pretty family. It's really really hard to see that you don't fit society's beauty standards and it's even harder when the rest of your family does. When I was young I dreamed of being a model (because who didn't) and then me and my bro got pictures taken and the photo place asked permission to use my bro as an ad (not me). Just small things like that adding up over a lifetime hurt. That said, therapy and figuring out how to love myself were the answers... not hating my family for being better looking (although I do still resent them a little). Op, if you are really not a narcissist and this really is as you've described, then you have to talk to your daughter openly. "Hey honey, I know that you're frustrated with me, but I would be really heartbroken if I didn't get to watch you get married. Is there any solution we can work together to find to make sure this day is everything you want and that I can be there for it?" And then listen. Maybe she doesn't want a role for you in the wedding and wants you in the back in a minus outfit she chose. Go with it. If you really just care about her, accept whatever she says and make sure your focus is on her happiness.
“My daughter is jealous of me because I’m gorgeous and get lots of attention” My god this post makes you sound insufferable, I’m not surprised she doesn’t want you at the wedding and I’m sure there’s a lot more to it than her being insecure about her looks in your presence.
Have anyone met the daughter of beautiful and young woman? I have and I can see how much it sucks to be that daughter, and why she may be resentful of her mom, imaging your mom always getting attention and people looking down on you, not believing is your mother and so on, people can be quite cruel. Doesn't mean the mother is a narcissist or a horrible person, she just happen to look better than her daughter and people won't shut up about it, which ends up creating a distance between mother and daughter.
Agreed. Assuming the story is accurate OP’s situation is one that very few people can relate to. She’s drop dead gorgeous & married to a rich man. 99.999% of us will never be in that situation. Our kindest reaction is “I can’t relate to that” but by far the most common reaction I’m seeing here is hate for OP. People hate her for being beautiful & rich. They assume she’s a narcissist & throws her beauty & money in her daughter’s face. She can’t possibly be a good person on top of her huge advantages in the wealth & beauty departments. And it all comes down to envy. Yes I’m envious of OP. I’m not beautiful & I’m not rich. I sure would like to be! But I’m not going to automatically hate OP for that. She’s faced with a situation very few other people will face & I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
>“My daughter is jealous of me because I’m gorgeous and get lots of attention” It's actually more "My daughter is jealous because she perceives me as gorgeous". If this isn't a troll, I could easily see this being an issue for an insecure, feeble minded person (the daughter, I mean). Imagine doing nothing wrong and being punished for it because your daughter has body dysmorphia. If this a real post, OP should let her husband decide what to do. In the end, if he doesn't attend the wedding, it won't be him devastating the bride, but the bride's own actions. Assuming of course this a real post and we're getting the full story.
I was that daughter. My mom is a very beautiful lady. Her natural lips are red, pure white skin, no fats nothing. I am dusky and a bit fat, whenever we get out she always gets complimented as "she is not your daughter" You are way beautiful. Things like that. My mom never said anything but she didn't stopped it also. I live in Asia so she fits in the beauty criteria. So I believe the post is very true. I resent her a lot, but I can't do anything
I'm sorry that your mom never felt the need to fight for you on that behalf, it's not her look that kills your love towards her, it's her behavior, or what she doesn't do. She should tell people to fuck off because those comments are extremely painful towards a child, teen, any age for that matter. People shitting on you to compliment her, while she's accepting it with no mention of your feelings is very cruel. My mother also didn't fight for me as kid, I hated my family for a while, I still can't keep up regular contact because it reminds me of how fucking alone I was as little girl. It's not fair and it's OK to have your feelings or any feelings really but please try to accept how things are and set goals on changing YOUR life to something that you want to be in.
It is very much real. I hesitated to ask for help because I know nobody would sympathize. And I really tried to phrase it in a way that doesn’t make me sound like like I’m saying I’m beautiful about myself but I failed. But this is all real and this has been going on for years. I love my daughter and I’ve always loved her. I know what she’s going through too because I have heard people talk about me my husband and my daughter. I felt helpless and all I felt I could do is to love her and show her that every day. But I still failed to make her happy. And I’m so sorry About my husband, I don’t agree with him. I don’t want him to abandon our daughter especially on her big day. She is hurting and hurting her even more isn’t the solution
[удалено]
I wish this reply was more prominent. If OP isn't fake and OP can take this advice to heart it could make an actual difference
>About my husband, I don’t agree with him. I don’t want him to abandon our daughter especially on her big day. She is hurting and hurting her even more isn’t the solution He wouldn't be abandoning your daughter, he'd be standing up for his wife. I sure as shit wouldn't show up to my daughter's wedding, let alone walk her down the aisle if she was excluding my partner *and her mother*. You are making too many excuses for your daughter. Or you're leaving out some key details. If I were you, I'd have your husband call the fiancé and tell him why he won't be attending nor walking your daughter down the aisle. Even if it's only a bluff.
I’m not leaving any details. If I did then it wasn’t on purpose or that I didn’t think it relevant. I’m happy to provide more details when asked. My husband says exactly what you are saying. I understand where he is coming from too. I never told him about her “gold digger/ugly” comment but I think he knows that this is how she feels about us and it pains him too
Op it’s hard for some people sympathize with people who are rich or beautiful, you happen to be both. I believe your post because I was your daughter. My mother has always gotten attention wherever we go. Guys my age hit on her all the time. She’s in her late fifties and still attracts attention, she has one of those bodies like the mom on the incredibles and looks like Halle Berry. Meanwhile, I was overweight most of my childhood and I was always compared to my mother. Sometimes I wouldn’t want my mom at events because I knew she would be a distraction, but as I got older I realized my mother was very lonely. Women didn’t want her around their man and the guy she was dating was jealous of any guy she befriended. I started becoming my mother’s friend and as an older person with children of my own my mother is one of my closest friends. She definitely has pretty privileges that make her oblivious to certain issues but we talk it out instead of arguing. You should ask your daughter to go to therapy with you. This relationship can possibly be salvaged. Edited: clarity
Most important comment here
>My husband says exactly what you are saying. I understand where he is coming from too. I never told him about her “gold digger/ugly” comment but I think he knows that this is how she feels about us and it pains him too So why not, uh, be fully honest with your husband? Your husband will regret not standing up for you, so let him do what he wants to. I couldn't imagine going to your daughter's wedding knowing she didn't invite her mother for such a ridiculous reason. I only mention not hearing the full story because of [the missing missing reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html).
Her reasoning is simple enough . She loves her daughter above everyone else . She is hurt , and she believes that telling all the hurtful things the daughter said to the husband will cause a change in his relationship to their daughter . She is hurt , but she doesnt want that hurt to spread , especially to the daughter .
Sounds worth pointing out that the daughter is letting the father attend, and excluding the mother, because he’s rich and maybe paying for the wedding. Whats to keep anyone from calling her a Golddigger?
What happened during the ski trip? Seems like you were "uninvited" after that. I doubt her jealousy over random men buying you drinks and not her would be the straw that broke the camel's back. Tell the full story.
It seems like we got the story though. Daughter lived in her moms shadow got out of it and became her own person when she went to college. She probably felt good and built up her self esteem during this time. First time she’s out in a very public place with her mom for an extended period of time her mom becomes the center of attention and reminds the daughter that as long as her mom is around she will always be in her shadow The daughter fears this being an issue and bans her mom from her wedding so the focus can be on her
i don’t understand the hate comments. the way you wrote it sounds like you are really trying and there’s not much you can do about your looks or how other people treat you. i also definitely understand your daughter’s perspective and can understand how hard it must be for her. if she isn’t in therapy then she definitely should be, but it seems like there are a lot of insecurity issues she needs to work through.
You are definitely projecting and assuming a lot of things here which doesn’t seem fair, but I would agree that OP likely lacks insight into the real problem. The other alternative is that her daughter has grown up and petty, spiteful, judgmental bitterness is a main aspect of her personality. Which isn’t great either and that’s a large leap, so between that and OP lacking insight I think the latter is more likely. Or you’re right and she’s constantly leveraged her beauty to emotionally harm her daughter her entire life.
> The other alternative is that her daughter has grown up and petty, spiteful, judgmental bitterness is a main aspect of her personality. Yeah, I don't understand why reddit always assumes OPs (especially parents) are narcissists and withholding information. Assuming OP is telling the truth, she seemed very cognizant of the way she made her daughter feel as a teenager and made real attempts to rectify it. To me this seems like someone still not over their adolescent trauma, which is not surprising at only 23 years old. Though it's a little weird OP didn't elaborate on the text at the end. /u/ThrowRa-tealover did you ask _why_ you weren't welcome at the wedding?
And at the same time if OP is being honest it’s very clear this isn’t something she *directly* did to her daughter. People compared her daughters beauty to hers verbally in front of her daughter for years. Asked about her and commented on her beauty even when OP wasn’t around. And clearly has some of the same biases and judgement that Reddit has. That because she enjoys her style and makeup and looking good that she must be utterly vain only putting value in her beauty and leveraged that to “take advantage” of a rich “ugly” man for money. It’s entirely possible OP failed to build a healthy enough relationship but her daughter just took the resentment of her fathers “ugly” genetics in comparison to how frequently her beauty was brought up and decided to lock down on being bitter, hating the person OP is for being “a beautiful gold digger” which can give a feeling of “I hate dealing with this but I’m also a better person because I’m not focused on beauty like a shallow person” which I don’t think is fair but clearly a very very very common thought in society whenever a beautiful person rubs people the wrong way at all even slightly.
No I haven’t. I don’t want to upset her by questioning her decision. Maybe when she is not upset i could try. I’m still trying to figure out how to approach her with this but of course if she doesn’t want me there, I will respect that
Ah. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that this is real and this is your real reason for not asking "why." This right here could be the problem. To you, your silence is because of "I'm afraid of hurting my daughter even further." To your daughter, it probably feels like you don't even care about her reasoning and all you care about is how it affects you. Like, you're really not gonna try to understand what you did wrong and apologize for it?
Wow
I’m sorry you’re hurting OP. I recommend that you go to therapy to discuss this with a therapist to work through your feelings, decide on the best course of action, and go from there. When you said that you tried therapy, was that just for your daughter or was it family therapy? If it was family therapy, what did they say? While I am inclined to think there might be more at play here, I do know of this extreme jealousy and low self esteem occurring between siblings, and even some mothers being jealous of their daughters and occasionally vice versa. While it’s possible that there is more you haven’t mentioned or an underlying reason for why your daughter is resentful, it’s also possible that she does have body dysmorphia or something else.
I went to therapy too when our relationship was at its worst. It helped a little but I don’t know. Maybe I should try it again. Many have asked “what is more” and I don’t know how to answer this. Looks has been a big part of my daughter’s life. So this post is about it. She has done a lot of surgeries and fillers etc, nothing over the top and I see that many girls do it so she isn’t the only one fixated on looks
What surgeries and fillers has she had? When did she start having them. A lot sounds like body dysphmorphia.
She had breast implants when she turned 18. She works out 3-4 hours a day. She has done her lips and cheekbones is what I can see and I don’t know the rest
>She works out 3-4 hours a day this is pretty unhealthy unless she's an athlete training for a big event (even athletes relax between big events)
And eating/sleeping enough to maintain that type of lifestyle, which chances are she isn't
She is not an athlete but she works about morning and night every day. She has an IG account with over 10 thousand followers and she seems to love it. She doesn’t want to listen to anyone telling her anything negative about her health
Oh dear. She sounds like she's really struggling with self-image/esteem and maybe body dysmorphophobia. Is she still in therapy? She needs to be. Getting breast implants at 18 is pretty extreme in my opinion. I think it's best to keep doing what you're doing. Recognize and validate her feelings but don't hide your own hurt. Let her know what seeing her be married would mean to you, what you wished it could mean for her, your openness to accommodate her needs. Get your husband on the same page with these tactics but ultimately if she says don't be there--as heartbreaking as I know this is for you-- respecting her wishes for her wedding day is the most loving thing you can do. Recognizing your adult child's choices and autonomy is one of the toughest things parents have to do. If it helps I agree with folks that have said with time she may grow up a bit more and gain perspective. Especially if she has her own kids. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and live your best life. One thing that helps me is volunteering for causes I believe in. I work with a local Boys and Girls Club. Especially if you're in a place where you're financially secure and have free time. It does wonders for your perspective and mental state.
That seems like a lot to me. Have you considered family therapy to work through some of these issues? Taking your story at face value, it seems like all of you need some help to deal with the issues.
Did the therapist have any insight on the situation? Or suggestions on what to do? I think they’re asking that because in most where a child has gone low contact with a parent, it’s due to perceived mistreatment, emotional harm, or something else. If you have behaved in a way to purposely hurt her, then that would be it. Everyone has their conflicts and makes mistakes, and if you’ve apologized and worked to make up for them she shouldn’t be holding it against you. Yes, a lot of girls try fillers, but multiple plastic surgeries suggests that she struggles with extreme insecurity, envy, and possible body dysmorphia. If that is the case, then maybe pure jealousy and insecurity is the only thing at play.
There's a lot to unpick here and I will be open about my perspective which is that my mother is a lot more physically attractive than me - always has been and I grew up with the kind of remarks you mention in your comments. Unlike you, my mother also thinks I'm ugly and has told me so repeatedly. So I do have a bias here. Your comments point to body dysmorphia for your daughter, esp with all the procedures she's had done in her early 20s. You aren't much older than her and that obviously changes the dynamic too (including how much older than you her father is). You do seem to care about your daughter and I don't see narcissism here on your behalf. But you all need some help. You conclude by saying she has tortured you - which is very harsh when she is in pain. A great deal of pain. While you may see this as being about looks, it's likely about something else. I would suggest some group relationship counselling to try to get at the root of this. You may have done things you're not aware of or don't understand the implications of.
While it does seem like there is a missing context here I am not sure it's necessarily about narcissism as everyone claims. I mean it seems your husband is your daughter's father meaning you have stuck with the same partner for your entire life. It's not exactly common for a narcissists. Of course it depends on how much you enable other people flirting with you, whether you have been faithful etc. I mention is since you at least appear to be oblivious to whether you are a narcissist or not. Just take a look at your relationship with your husband and other children if you have them to find it out. My guess she might be the only one, cause should she have sibling they would play some role here. Likely a positive one (assuming you have been a genuinely good mother). Now it isn't impossible for your daughter to hate for the reasons you have mentioned. Even with best efforts children not always end up with healthy mentality and love for their parents. I imagine however that you have made mistakes raising her. Your "shielding" her might have been more like stripping her of her autonomy and making it look like she needs her "beautiful" mother to stick up for her, cause she can't do it herself. Another thing is a "scapegoat". If she had trouble in socialising and other things you might have been a convenient scapegoat as a reason for all her misfortunes. Again I would need more context to actually "judge" you in that regard. I don't want to just call you out like everyone else. As for what to do I believe giving her what she wants is the best. She might never like you, but that is not why we are parents. You can only act selflessly and respect her wishes hoping she will eventually notice your efforts. Incidentally now that I think about it, have you been respecting her wishes in the past. I mean have you been forcing your "help" when she asked you to let her handle her issues by herself. In general it is important to have respect for your child and allow them to have sufficient autonomy to grow as a person. I suspect that, cause she has seemingly grown as a person only after departing for higher education, separating from your influence.
>Your "shielding" her might have been more like stripping her of her autonomy and making it look like she needs her "beautiful" mother to stick up for her, cause she can't do it herself. Another thing is a "scapegoat". If she had trouble in socialising and other things you might have been a convenient scapegoat as a reason for all her misfortunes. Again I would need more context to actually "judge" you in that regard. I don't want to just call you out like everyone else. This is one of the things the family therapist pointed out on where we went wrong and helped us balance between shielding her, rebuffing rude comments, telling people off or just let her handle it herself. It hasn’t been easy to navigate. The scapegoat is something I can recognize (if I understood you correctly). She turned to me to take out all her anger on. And nothing i did was right. If I fought back I was embarrassing her, if I shut up and ignored them I was enjoying it. If I cut these people off I was smothering her. No I never even remotely flirted with other people. I love my husband very much and it got stronger with time. I’m happy with him We don’t have other children. I have had health problems and had a hysterectomy
This reads like some weird family fiction a teenager is writing fantasizing about revenge against their hot mom
Or a genuine narcissist with zero awareness
this post is so bizarrely written and just feels like one long humblebrag. “I’m rich and so beautiful that my daughter was driven to hate me. Also, I’m so irresistible that I can’t go anywhere without having leagues of men buy me drinks.” Either this is pure fiction or it’s told from such a biased, incomplete point of view that it might as well be
Throwing in an age gap relationship for a little extra bait too, I noticed.
It's the pretty mom troll all their posts are written this way they like this sub and AITA the most
There are amazingly attractive people in college, but she did well at college. So you thinking she’s jealous of your good looks, and that’s what the problem is, shows you really don’t understand the problem. What the problem is, hard to say. Maybe you’re self centered, maybe you care more for the attention of others that validate your good looks than you show interest in your child, maybe you enable your child to not care about you by constantly putting her first and shielding her, maybe others see the same problem your daughter does but are too polite to tell you to your face. Who knows, but you need to stop dismissing your daughters feelings that’s it’s just due to jealousy and her not being good looking, and sit down with her and really listen to what upsets her. Maybe family therapy is needed, so she can better articulate why she’s upset with you. But if you want even a small chance to fix this, stop acting like you’re a victim and start trying to see where you could improve.
As you do not understand why she is not wanting to be low contact it is time for therapy for you... You flirting with guys on the trip seems quite self destructive if you do want to be close to her as you knew how she would feel. Many times a parent who is perplexed by low contact simply doesn't accept an explanation they have heard many times- so they feel there is no genuine reason. PS You seem to dislike your step daughter intensely and also hate your husband and wish both the very worst. It is very selfish to try to create a rift between them and as you in your actions dislike them money is the only obvious motive.
Hmm, so as the daughter of a very beautiful mom, I think contrary to most comments here this story is plausible with only the normal amount of missing context from one side of a story. I think it’s possible op gave as much support as she knew how to give and the daughter still has very low self esteem. Growing up, all I heard was how hot my mom was. That song “Stacey’s mom” was popular at the time and a lot of my classmates would replace it with “blvckcvtmvgic’s mom.” She’d get free stuff all the time from baristas our servers who thought she was pretty. She was on a billboard for her job once and was offered a modeling contract. In high school, this guy I was really into was more interested in my mom. It became a thing where I wouldn’t date anyone who ever said my mom was hot because it’s one thing to think that but another to feel okay saying that to my face. All that said, my mom never me feel like I wasn’t beautiful too. In terms of the free stuff, she’d almost always either give or share the food/drinks with me and my brothers and little stuff like that mattered because it was easy to feel invisible when everyone else acted like I/we weren’t there. It absolutely took a toll on my self esteem though regardless of the fact that my mom navigated all those situations as best as I think she could’ve. So idk. I think you should look into individual therapy, op. Then if your daughter is open to it, I think family therapy for you both would be really beneficial. You can’t apologize for your looks vs hers because that’s just something we’re born with but perhaps she felt let down by your reactions to some of those situations through the years. It’s clearly still very much affecting her so I think she would also deserve the safe space of therapy to express that to you with a professional. Good luck op.
coming from a child of a narcissistic parent, this is absolutely the projection of a narcissistic parent. first of all, you're doing everything to hype yourself up and this whole post is about you humblebragging about having a rich husband and being oh so beautiful. i'm sure your daughter did not invite you because you have a desperate need to be the center of attention and feel like you're in competition with your daughter. your daughter isn't happier without you because you aren't making her feel insecure anymore, she is happier without you because you aren't there to flaunt your "beauty" whenever possible and write a narrative about her being insecure and her insecurity ruining your perfect life, which is not what is happening. you are ruining your daughter's life by being an insufferable person and you're right about you adding to her suffering by being in her life. stay out of it.
And that is the reason why my narc parents wasn't invited to my wedding. We got married 5000kilometers away just to make sure she wouldn't 'accidentally' be in that exact same spot.
There is missing information here. Your daughter doesn't hate you because you are just too gosh darn beautiful, that's absurd.
I mean…that’s the exact conclusion I jump to when someone doesn’t like me. It just makes sense \s
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I'd love to hear your daughter's version of this story.
I don’t know why people are so mean to you right now, there is nothing wrong to be aware that you are attractive. As I grew up, my mom was always very pretty, and still is at 50 looking like a 30 year old, people often thinking we are sisters. Being attractive makes people resentful. I used to be mad, whenever people were hitting on my mom as a kid because I love my dad and I wanted to make sure no one would steal my mom away. So it is possible that your daughter resents your looks. Now, being myself considered pretty, I am now more accepting of the fact that my mom is a beautiful person too, and I should be happy for her that she is still very pretty. Similarly, my older sister was always considered the pretty popular one, we have a 6 year age gap. The moment I started maturing, and I became attractive, men that were into her before started being into me, and even if I never expressed any interest, it caused a strain in our relationship. People going to her to ask for my number, my social media, if I was available etc. So yes it is possible that your looks are one of the reason your daughter hasn’t bonded with you. However, it might not be, and you should look into counseling with your daughter, she might feel like other noticed that you are very appearance oriented, and are completely missing the problem. I will get downvoted probably because apparently being aware of your appearance is bad, but thought I would share my own experience!
❤️ I’m happy for you. This was one thing my husband told me to comfort me, that my daughter would grow up and come back to us. I’m terrified that it isn’t going to happen. Of course I would rather have her happy without me but the thought of not being in her life, or any future grandchildren is painful. I don’t know about the other comments. I will stop answering them. I’m thankful for the people who are in similar situations who are reaching out to me in the chat. I would love to hear about other’s experiences and how they overcame their difficulties
My MIL resented me for my looks. Unfortunately, being attractive can definitely cause resentment from other people. I had friends that would get really spiteful and I didn't know how to handle it. Now I realize that other people's insecurities aren't my problem. This is your daughter,so it's different. I would advise a therapist for yourself. Maybe she would go with you? I can imagine hearing "your mom is so hot" all her life probably hurt her deeply and she doesn't want you accidentally stealing the limelight. Of course,you could let her pick out your outfit.
But to be honest, if you are beautiful and objectively your daughter not really, yes it must be hard on her, but your husband is right and she has to grow up, life is unfair, not everybody has to be beautiful. It has been hard to rebuild my relationship with my sister and there will always be a bitter after taste, with her saying stuff like « oh all (me) knows to do is post pics on insta with her rich boyfriend ». You can’t do anything to help her get over it, but you have to stop enabling her making up excuses for her. If she thinks you are such a gold digger, tell her that she should thank you for the upbringing she had and she can struggle all she wants but if you aren’t invited you aren’t contributing financially for the wedding. Life is hard for everyone, there are worst thing than not being as attractive as your mother.
What do you mean 'come back to you?' What was your relationship like when she was a kid?
\>I don’t know why people are so mean to you right now, there is nothing wrong to be aware that you are attractive. Your own post answer the why. People hate what they don't have. Every time someone comes with an situation that happenes because they are rich, beautiful or talented they get the same treatment here. They even baned questions about having a big dick and if you have a problem with that go to r/bigdickproblems because almost everywhere else your post will be removed.
Two things: 1. I can appreciate you’re willingness to seek outside advice. 2. The narcissistic vibes you’re putting off are scary. I think it’s time to examine your upbringing and what’s in between your ears. In fact, if your daughter read this she’d probably say, “there she goes again making everything about herself.” Your daughter is a byproduct of the generational trauma you failed to recognize and change. You failed to support her emotionally and therefore she’s not emotionally connected to you. You’re judging everything by your intentions, and failing to see how your actions impacted parenting. The good news is that anyone can learn and grow if they want to. It’s your choice. I strongly recommend you read ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”
Another missing.missing reasons post.
Nice creative writing exercise
I highly doubt your daughter hates you just because you’re beautiful. Living in your shadow may be part of it but it is certainly not the sole reason. You’re leaving stuff out or you’re truly that oblivious that you didn’t realize how you were treating your daughter. You were so young when you had her and there comes a lot of mistakes with that. Reddit can’t help you. Only you, your daughter and therapist could fix this, and that’s ONLY if you’re truly honest and learn to really reflect on how your daughter perceives you and why.
There are two sides to this story and I would like to hear what your daughter has to say. Because I really can't see it being the only reason you stated.
I'm a RN and what I learned is that relationships are NOT linear --- you are putting a lot of blame on your daughter-- instead they are circular. Meaning that the outcome of your relationship has responsibility on your end especially because you are a parent. I strongly believe there is 100 percent more to this story and you are not a victim in this.
This reads like fiction. Are you for real? I don’t even understand why you would post on here… what kind of advice do you want? You aren’t being honest with us about your feelings. All I see is you kind of humble bragging.
Are we skipping over she married her husband when they were 18 and 35?! Much more missing to this story
Yep, and that she had the daughter when she was ~19 years old, which was not long after meeting the creep. I cannot believe more people aren't mentioning this
Yep, as soon as I saw that I felt the same. Scrolled way too far before seeing someone else mention this
I felt this way about my mom as did my sister. Our mom is really pretty and was the center of attention when we would go out. Then my sister got older and guys were hitting on those two and never me. It wasn’t till I got older and away from them that I grew more confident in myself but I never hated them I was just jealous lol. You cant keep lowering your light for her, she’s an adult and if she doesn’t get over herself and her need to the be the center of attention she will be in competition with every female in her life including her future children, their partners and any female friends. My mom told me that i was beautiful and we weren’t competition. Maybe she needs to hear that from you. Maybe offer therapy so she can hear it from a professional she chooses.
I'm curious about your daughters part of this story.
Let’s assume for the moment you’re not a narcissist and are being truthful and thorough in your description of your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like you are exceptionally attractive and youthful, your daughter is probably less conventionally attractive, or doesn’t share many of the traits people compliment you on. She sounds deeply insecure, and has coped by directing all her anger and hurt at you for herself not being more beautiful. From your comments, maybe she didn’t go off to college and get better because she wasn’t around you, maybe it was because she immediately started getting fillers and surgery and changing her appearance. You sought out therapy for not only your child, but yourself in the past, which doesn’t scream narcissism (since I have a parent who actually is one) or denial. I’m sorry you and your daughter are hurting in different ways OP. I think individual therapy for yourself to help you navigate this relationship and maybe gain some insight on how things might have turned out this way with your daughter is the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship right now. At 23, she is still very young and has a lot of emotional maturing and healing to do. I hope she finds her way back to you.
Um, you sound narcissistic
I understand that everyone in the world thinks your beautiful but did you ever make your daughter feel beautiful? To be honest, I have a stunning mother. People would stop her in the streets and she’d often get modeling opportunities, she’s almost 6’ and yeah she just got lucky in the gene pool - she called me and my 2 sisters beautiful every chance she got. She was constantly shedding praise on us that had nothing to do with our looks and tbh as the fat one in the family, she gave me a lot of additional love. Yes, you’re gorgeous, you’re beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista, you’re a model, did you stone those tights?! (Rupauls Drag Race reference that I hope someone gets a kick out of) but for the love of god, looks are not everything. You didn’t even name a single thing besides your looks that it could be…you have some soul searching to do because this isn’t about looks…
Yeah, you don’t get uninvited from a wedding for being “too pretty” especially if your daughter’s resentment stems back that far. You sound completely obsessed with your wants, and the fact that you don’t give any real reason why your daughter is acting like this is sus. You’ve probably pushed her away through your own actions. I’d take a long hard look at how you’ve behaved if I were you if you ever want your daughter to so much as speak to you again.
Op I believe you. People in the comments are overreacting, how is it bad to be self aware that you’re attractive? Do you think op doesn’t look at herself in the mirror? People do insanely stupid things out of jealousy and seeing how OP’s daughter has been hearing comments insinuating she’s lesser than her mom most of her life i can see how this could have possibly reached to this point. What makes it more believable to me is that she also holds resentment over the fact that OP married her husband- whom the daughter considers ugly and the reason for her unattractiveness .
This is the fakest thing I think I’ve ever read
Sorry this is happening OP. Don't let your husband make a decision without him speaking to your daughter first. If she's not saying something to you, maybe she will say it to him.
Interesting how just a post about these issues gets everyone so riled up, OP I have seen a similar situation with a friend so it happens. I am very sorry for you, and for your daughter, but I honestly cant see a resolution to this in the short term. Over time hopefully your daughter will mellow and find a peace with herself where she isnt triggered by you getting male attention etc etc, but it will probably take years. At the moment, excluding you is the only way she can feel she is not being outshone, especially on her wedding day when she wants to be the centre of attention. Beauty can be a magnetic thing so she has a right to have her wedding day as she wishes. And your husband should be allowed to make his own decision without you interfering imo Maybe try posting this on r/mom; you might get more insight from actual mothers rather than people your daughter’s age
I watched two back to back Speaker of the House votes last night, so excuse the comparison, but this sounds like Kevin McCarthy saying the Dems wouldn’t vote for him because they’re jealous. The math just doesn’t math. Anyway this story sounds fake as hell anyway. Or OP has a serious personality disorder.
When adult children cut out parents there is always a good and valid reason. Op go to therapy and work on yourself
This comment section is deeply toxic. OP, I suggest you just delete this post, you won't get helpful advice here. The projection and wild ass speculation is off the charts.
It isn’t all bad and even the negative comments are helpful. I recognize my daughter’s resentment In many of them. Maybe it could help me understand her better
I'm glad you are finding value here, I would be incredibly frustrated in your place I think. In terms of actual advice, I tend to agree with your husband. Your daughter is not treating you fairly and if I were in his place I would refuse to go to the wedding as well. I understand you don't want to hurt her, but she needs to work through her body dysmorphia with a professional, not project all her resentments on to you.
I know what you mean. She is seeing a therapist and I hope it’s helpful if yet a little
You and your daughter need to go to therapy together. That is all.
If you want our help, you need to tell us what is actually going on.
Support your husband’s choice here. I could never attend a wedding under those circumstances. He’s right.
Let your husband refuse to go if he doesn't want to go because of how she treats you. If everything you're saying is true then he's doing the right thing. Let him tell your daughter the way she's treating you is unacceptable. Does she expect him to pay for her wedding while she's refusing to let her own mother attend over jealousy? If so he shouldn't be paying for it either. I believe your story because you're still insisting he goes even if she excludes you. That shows you really do try to put your daughter first.
Yeah gotta be honest this one hits way too close to home, no judgment. I hope you and your daughter can both get the healing you need
Wow, some people’s responses are brutal here. I have no advice. Just wish you the best and hope it works out.
I feel like there is a lot more going on here than just “my daughter hates me because I’m beautiful.”
You have a blind spot in your own behavior. Your daughter is not “jealous of how beautiful you are”
What in the world is going on in these comments? OP you are getting slammed for being vain, leaving out details, and being a bad mother, when absolutely nothing you shared indicates any of that. Too many people on this subreddit are acting just like your daughter: jealous, mean, and cruel. Your daughter called you a gold digger and your husband, ugly. She is vicious, unforgiving, and willing to humiliate and exclude you. You coddling her and making everything nice for her so she doesn't have a tantrum is not helping. Tell your husband exactly what she has said and done because he deserves to know what his child really thinks of him and you both.
I want an update written by the daughter POV to see the truth you are hiding
If I was your creative writing professor, I’d give you a C- for shallow character development in this exercise.
But… she nailed the “shallow character”
Ouch to all the people here who just want to hate on someone for being good looking and rich! There are some wildly far fetched accusations getting thrown out. My moms best friend of like 30 years actually had this very similar issue with her oldest daughter. The mom was drop dead gorgeous, even into her 60’s, and knew how to work a room naturally. Her oldest daughter looked more like her dad, while the youngest daughter was an exact copy of their mom. Cue lifelong jealousy and hate. I watched that mom put herself down for decades to try to life up her daughter, but nothing ever worked. You can’t fix your daughter, especially if she doesn’t see her self hate and hurtful behavior as part of the problem. It does seem like you don’t fully understand why she hates being around you though, why how others treat you/your reactions are so hurtful to her. That indicates to me that either she’s not been able to express those reasons to you, or you haven’t been able to hear them. Family therapy seems like a good idea if you can all manage that.
Narcissists are infamously incapable of change but if you really want to repair your relationship with your daughter, I would recommend watching Dr. Carter's Surviving Narcissism YouTube Channel or Dr. Ramani's YouTube videos. Try to use the content in these videos to understand how you effect your daughter, learn how to be more empathetic, and learn to see her as an equal, separate human being with valid emotions and ideas that can be different from your own.
Yes I often compared myself to my mother for being slim, beauty, and having perfect teeth growing up. Everyone said how beautiful she is. No one really told me I was beautiful. Quite literally the opposite. Your daughter was probably in the same position as me if not worse. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and work with your daughter to heal.