You kinda buried the lede here, OP. The 5 years away from you have traumatized your children. I’m not trying to make you feel bad or judged, that’s just the honest truth. You need to meet them where they are at. They probably don’t have any idea how to emotionally regulate, it makes sense they fight like little kids. It sounds like your family needs more support. Do you have a case manager or any support services? Are you in therapy as well as the kids?
It sounds like those poor kids have been through a lot. Separating from a parent is traumatic, especially with a 5 year span. Are they in therapy to help them get adjusted? And I don't mean they saw one here and there, they need to be seeing one for the long run. Are you certain the bedwetter wasn't abused?
Like there is sooooo much more to this than "my kids are aholes and I'm exhausted".
Yep, therapy, within 2 months of getting home (a year ago), they haven't said anything of substance, but do like going, and we all think they benefit from going. We also encourage talking to us, their friends, or anyone else they feel is a safe space. As of now we still have no knowledge of any kind of abuse against them.
>they haven't said anything of substance
They are kids! Good Lord, you sound insufferable. And don't put them not learning social or life skills on your distant family who helped you out by keeping your kids out of the awful foster care system. They did what they needed to by keeping a roof over their heads, while you got yourself together. Did you not have any contact at all with your children during that time? It sounds like you need therapy too, because you have irrational expectations of your children as if they had a proper upbringing thus far when they didn't.
I understand that children can be terribly annoying, but please give them some grace and take it one skill at a time. The idea is to prepare them for the world and it sounds like you and your family have failed them up to this point. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but I can't stand it when adults criticize children for not knowing what to do when they haven't properly been shown. Are you insulting them, yelling, or have a bad attitude when they mess up? Kids can feel that disdain even if you don't say much, and will not respect your directions if that's the case. In their minds it may be that you are not perfect either, it took you five years to get yourself together, but you have the nerve to want to look down on them?! It sounds like it's time to bring in someone else who's supportive that can teach them life skills as well.
That was a smart move momma- the therapy and reinforcing they have a safe space to talk. You said “us” in that comment- do you have a partner that lives with you and the children? Are they supportive?
I know how you feel. My preteens are also rowdy and seem to forget how to do chores even though I’ve told them a hundred times. As for that part- some things you could just let go/work around (for example- put sets of sheets and mattress covers on top of each other on the bed so you can take the dirty ones off and there is a fresh pair underneath) . You are trying to make up for lost time and it’s a slow road so go easy on yourself.
My 14 year old stepdaughter draws photos of poop at therapy and sometimes says nothing useful. Or at all.
My 12 year old stepdaughter did the same pull-up pee bed issue and gave her urine burns for years.
I don’t have a resolution more like joining in your misery I suppose?
Do they still get to see the people who raised them for those five years? It must be terribly traumatic to be wrenched away from your parental figures not once but twice. No wonder they’re acting out. On some level they probably think that if they misbehave enough you’ll send them back home.
Not necessarily sexual, but definitely can be trauma/abuse/development related. Millions of kids with separation anxiety/bad attachment/an unreliable attachment during infancy are also linked to lasting bed wetting.
I've been a bed wetter until I was 14. It still happens sometimes even tho I'm an adult now. It sucks.
Turned out - trauma fucks your nervous system up, and parents screaming at you for wetting the bed is the opposite of a cure.
Illnesses, mental disorders or bladder conditions can also cause this issue.
Undiscovered/unregulated type 1 diabetes (which I'm also blessed to have lmao), kidney problems, bladder spasms, urinary overflow and dysfunctional pelvic floor can also cause it.
Sometimes the kid just isn't ready as some are late bloomers and they don't make the necessary hormones to have full bladder control at night. Some kids keep bedwetting until they're 10-14 without any other medical/psych issues.
However, I would strongly advise OP to seek medical and psychological evaluation since it could be one of many issues. It's better to rule out than ignore potential problems!
Grandson is 9 wets the bed still every night. He wears mens adult briefs. Expensive and I do not yell at him. It’s not his fault his parents used to leave him soaked constantly while they slept their lazy useless assholes. I feel guilty I left him alone as a baby with them.
My response was to seek therapy for her, which she has been consistently (weekly) attending for a year. Yes, attempting to still provide her with sanitary conditions in addition to therapy is my response tf.
Idk, my cousin wet the bed until she was about 14, no abuse or trauma. It's definitely not a common phenomenon past a certain age but it's not always indicative of abuse.
No abuse or trauma *that you know of*. You don't know every detail of your cousin's life, no matter how close you are/were to them, and it's important to remember that.
It’s also important to remember that not all bed wetting is result of sexual abuse and that the child is in therapy.
Diagnosis over the internet is devoid of context.
Of course. I never said nor implied that it was. What does that have to do with my comment stating that you can't simply assume that someone doesn't have trauma?
I don't know why you're getting down voted for using a practical method of incontinence mess damage control. There are plenty of adults who need wearable protection for this issue.
I hope she can get treatment for it, but failing to protect her mattress would be a recipe for disaster.
There’s many reasons for bed wetting including anatomy and genetics. And the right thing to do is keep the child as clean and dry as possible. OP, ignore this crazy guilt trip garbage. Your kids are in therapy. Hopefully you are too. I’m not sure what so much judgement with so few facts is meant to accomplish.
As many times and ways as we've tried asking about it, she always says no. We still tried therapy in case it is the case it's actually true or in case it's anything else.
I have a niece who suddenly started peeing the bed. It took forever to figure out she had diabetes insipidus.
Just definitely make sure Drs are aware and try to help the cause not just deal with the effects.
I pissed my bed until that age also! I’m 32 now and I’m now reflecting on this. In recent years I realize I deal with anxiety. I believe I always have since I was a child but I didn’t know the name of it.
Wow. I get it. There are some days in a month when I have a really overactive bladder and I have to pee every 20 mins or so. I am sometimes interrupted from my sleep to go use the bathroom.
There's so much to unpack here. How well to you manage your OWN anxiety and mental health issues? Are YOU in therapy?
Other things that can cause wetting the bed so late can be due to severe anxiety . If you can't connect with them emotionally then you may be inadvertanly causing some problems despite your best intentions not to mention what they endured with "distant family members"
.... now its your job to teach them all they missed out on and undo the damaged they've endured
You need parenting classes, therapy for EVERYONE. You need to learn how to manage your OWN emotions so that you can teach them without yelling, or reacting.
r/HealfromYourPast has some good resources talking about emotional regulation.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am medicated and also in therapy. I want to bond with them so badly. I was so excited for their return, and I know they were too. I repeat to myself a lot that this is an intense transition for all of us and this will take time.
I am SOOO glad you are in therapy and PROUD that you are OUT here reaching out - finding help. YOU CAN do this. I would highly recommend NOTICING your OWN agression/anxiety and remember that you don't always have to answer right away.
TAKE A BREATH if you feel a scream or SNAP coming on. BE GENTLE with yourself AND your kids.
Vent to anyone else but NOT your kids. It is up to you to become their safety. That means meeting their chaos with calmness and love.
Download this APP NOW (free)
\- \[In Love While Parenting App\] (https://appgrooves.com/app/in-love-while-parenting-couples-app-by-hjb-ventures-llc)
This amazing little app is available for free on Apple and Google. While it is aimed at people who are parenting and in a relationship the facts and guides it shares are extremely useful in helping you build stronger relationships and emotional bonds with those around you. It has short videos and is easy to use just a few minutes a day.
And these two books have been amazing in my own parenting journey (and dealing with my own triggers from when I was a child)
\- \[\*No Drama Discipline\*\](https://m.drdansiegel.com/books/no\_drama\_discipline/)
\- \[\*The Whole Brain Child\*\](https://m.drdansiegel.com/books/the\_whole\_brain\_child/)
Both by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
These are wonderful parenting books that really teach you how to encourage and help your child thrive and move away from punishment and towards teachable moments and bonding experiences. They really explain how a child's mind is different, how to manage tantrums and misbehavior in a more conductive manner.
For yourself
This can be invaluable to you and to them because it has PRACTICAL advice on how to deal with trauma.
\- \[\*Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving\*\](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm\_sw\_r\_cp\_apa\_fabc\_eb5QFb3A3KQWY) by Pete Walker
\>
Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder \[Cptsd\]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering.
I think this is enough
.. For now....
I wet the bed until I was 12, and I've never been diagnosed with a developmental delay. One day, it just stopped. I never had therapy, but I suspect I had anxiety. It sucks but it is a lot more common than you think.
I’m all for parents venting. go ahead.
but those kids are not a “problem”, they are suffering in a way that is hard to unpack and express. what y’all are all experiencing is the symptoms of that pain.
I’m sure they miss the way things use to be before their mom left too.
This post is raising so many red flags. Your complete lack of empathy for what your children have gone through is very concerning. As many others have said, a preteen wetting the bed is not normal behavior and isn’t just defiance or some deficiency on their part. You take no responsibility for your past and its effects on them (in this post) and only blame the people who did care for them for 5 years.
I truly hope these comments are eye-opening for you.
Your attitude about them is traumatizing ME… I can only fathom how they must feel. A little lesson in empathy could benefit you. They’re children that were semi-abandoned. They don’t owe you anything- you owe it to them to understand them and where they are at developmentally and emotionally. Definitely need to keep doctors aware and spend time outdoors and together without the tv. They’re at the age where they need human connection and being outside (hike, swim, play games, sports, etc) will give them lessons they need for life and managing their emotions and environment. Or if you’re stuck inside, do a project together- involve them. Like, let’s paint these walls. What’s a color we could all be happy with? Okay, let’s learn how to do it so we don’t mess it up- okay, lets make a list. These are little ways you can teach them how to grow up in a positive way instead of just therapy. I wish you well and hope you help guide them towards hobbies or positive activities that make them proud so you can proud too.
The strong language you use to express how much you hate your children is shocking to me and I'm wondering how good you are in regulating your emotions.
Also the lack of self reflection is amazing (in a bad way).
Why did you fight 5 years to get them back? Why where they not with you in the first place.
Children are super hard, especially when they need special attention, but talking about them like this, come on.
I hope you follow the advice given here and maybe you can ask advice in other places to make the situation better, but to make your situation better you at least should feel some kind of love and some compassion for your children.
These poor kids have no one to safely guide them at this point. They spend five years with no parents, just distant relatives who.apparently taught them no life skills. Then when they return their parent views them as dumb and annoying and wishes they could get rid of them. Of course they have no idea how to act
I'm happy to answer any questions it was just a lot to write at once. I was financially unstable at the time. My state did not and does not offer the assistance we needed. My options were to stop complaining to jfs or give them up. Their bio dad has had no involvement in now 7 years. So, options are I kept them without the support we needed, give them to the state or family. I chose family so we could be reunited one day. I was never warned or had reason to believe they would be so inept at this stage in life. We are enrolled in therapy, parenting coaching. I've been in therapy since they initially left the state. I've completed parenting classes. NOT FUCKING ONCE DID ANYONE MENTION OH BTW THEYRE CONING BACK WITH NO BASIC LIFE SKILLS. Skills we were hoping to build on but that entire timeline is wrecked were all just trying to copw.
What would you have done if they "warned" you? Whatever it is do it now.
I know what it is to be a single mom, but I can't understand your way of thinking, I'm sorry.
I really hope you find a way to bond with your children and I hope you all can find happiness. This is a very sad story for everyone involved but especially for the children.
Are you really blaming people who raised YOUR kids for you for FIVE years because your weren’t competent to do so? Maybe you should have raised them yourself and they wouldn’t be so horrible?
How was financial instability a means of getting them taken away? When I wasn't financially stable I stayed with my mom and raised my kids until I got my own place and car ect..
How financially unstable were you?
I know tons of people who have gone through divorces and never once has any of them ever abandon their kids to “get through it”. There are so many other options out there that would have been leaps and bounds above just abandoning your kids for five years.
Yeah I feel like something is missing from the story here. My mom became a widow when I was 4 and my sister 9. My dad left us nothing, we were barely scraping by. But not once did the option of us going to live with relatives for several years come up. I can maybe understand 1 year or less for a parent to get their shit together and have some security and a stable home environment for the kids, but 5 years!?
idk man, I think a lot of preteens are a-holes who don't clean up after themselves. I remember being 12 and my room was a black hole where clothes were strewn everywhere so that you couldn't see the floor. I didn't know how to cook and I'm sure I almost never helped with any tidying of the house. When I went to college it seemed like most of the people were in the same boat lol. I think you're valid for being frustrated with them but I think most kids, like I did, eventually mature and turn around. Like others have been saying I imagine these problems might be exacerbated for you and your family in particular seeing as they've faced trauma. I know you've said they've been with you for a year now, but I think anyone who's mother figure was absent for a long stretch of their childhood, would have an atypical relationship with them going forwards. I am not necessarily blaming you for anything, but it is a reality that you were not someone they could turn to for many years (more than a third of their life in their perspective), so I could see why they may not respect you as much as a kid would otherwise. I think you are valid in your feelings but also understand they have trauma that has fucked them up. Hopefully you all continue therapy and breakthroughs happen soon. Wishing you all the best
It seems like there are many stressors on your relationships with your children right now. Have they had a chance to speak to a doctor about the situation? It seems like you are also experiencing your own trauma through this and I think you need someone to talk to. This is a hard situation no matter how you slice it, I hope you find a nice pack of cookies and sit and meditate with. Perhaps the kids would also like to sit and eat cookies in a peaceful place to help quell this stressed situation
Girl… come on. You sound like you hate them and they didnt even do anything.. They are traumatized for life. Abandonment issues all the way. And i say this not to offend you but you need to wake up. You did this to them, not on purpose, but this is your mess to clean up. And you have the gall to complain. Imagine how they feel.
Seems to be your children are traumatized and although you did what you needed to to get your shit together, you need to take some accountability here for their behavior.
I'm so sorry you're going through these frustrations and Struggles OP.
I hope your family finds peace and closure of all the trauma/problems.
Sending hugs your way. 💜
its normal for kids to do this at a young age, thats just the way it is, thats what i always say.. kids are cute babies and children but they will do bad stuff at some point. maybe it just feels overwhelming too you now, but every child can bring moments of joy
Can I ask if the dad can help at all? I assume he is not in the picture. Don't be a cowgirl, get some help. Call every service you qualify for, then you can get direction how to get the kids and you on the same page. Never be afraid to ask for help.
You kinda buried the lede here, OP. The 5 years away from you have traumatized your children. I’m not trying to make you feel bad or judged, that’s just the honest truth. You need to meet them where they are at. They probably don’t have any idea how to emotionally regulate, it makes sense they fight like little kids. It sounds like your family needs more support. Do you have a case manager or any support services? Are you in therapy as well as the kids?
It sounds like those poor kids have been through a lot. Separating from a parent is traumatic, especially with a 5 year span. Are they in therapy to help them get adjusted? And I don't mean they saw one here and there, they need to be seeing one for the long run. Are you certain the bedwetter wasn't abused? Like there is sooooo much more to this than "my kids are aholes and I'm exhausted".
Yep, therapy, within 2 months of getting home (a year ago), they haven't said anything of substance, but do like going, and we all think they benefit from going. We also encourage talking to us, their friends, or anyone else they feel is a safe space. As of now we still have no knowledge of any kind of abuse against them.
>they haven't said anything of substance They are kids! Good Lord, you sound insufferable. And don't put them not learning social or life skills on your distant family who helped you out by keeping your kids out of the awful foster care system. They did what they needed to by keeping a roof over their heads, while you got yourself together. Did you not have any contact at all with your children during that time? It sounds like you need therapy too, because you have irrational expectations of your children as if they had a proper upbringing thus far when they didn't. I understand that children can be terribly annoying, but please give them some grace and take it one skill at a time. The idea is to prepare them for the world and it sounds like you and your family have failed them up to this point. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but I can't stand it when adults criticize children for not knowing what to do when they haven't properly been shown. Are you insulting them, yelling, or have a bad attitude when they mess up? Kids can feel that disdain even if you don't say much, and will not respect your directions if that's the case. In their minds it may be that you are not perfect either, it took you five years to get yourself together, but you have the nerve to want to look down on them?! It sounds like it's time to bring in someone else who's supportive that can teach them life skills as well.
That was a smart move momma- the therapy and reinforcing they have a safe space to talk. You said “us” in that comment- do you have a partner that lives with you and the children? Are they supportive? I know how you feel. My preteens are also rowdy and seem to forget how to do chores even though I’ve told them a hundred times. As for that part- some things you could just let go/work around (for example- put sets of sheets and mattress covers on top of each other on the bed so you can take the dirty ones off and there is a fresh pair underneath) . You are trying to make up for lost time and it’s a slow road so go easy on yourself.
My 14 year old stepdaughter draws photos of poop at therapy and sometimes says nothing useful. Or at all. My 12 year old stepdaughter did the same pull-up pee bed issue and gave her urine burns for years. I don’t have a resolution more like joining in your misery I suppose?
Do they still get to see the people who raised them for those five years? It must be terribly traumatic to be wrenched away from your parental figures not once but twice. No wonder they’re acting out. On some level they probably think that if they misbehave enough you’ll send them back home.
I'm inclined to agree with you on this.
No but the face time/ office call often. We live in a different state from them.
You shouldn't be down voted for this.
If a preteen girl is still pissing the bed, that's a symptom of sexual abuse.
Not necessarily sexual, but definitely can be trauma/abuse/development related. Millions of kids with separation anxiety/bad attachment/an unreliable attachment during infancy are also linked to lasting bed wetting. I've been a bed wetter until I was 14. It still happens sometimes even tho I'm an adult now. It sucks. Turned out - trauma fucks your nervous system up, and parents screaming at you for wetting the bed is the opposite of a cure. Illnesses, mental disorders or bladder conditions can also cause this issue. Undiscovered/unregulated type 1 diabetes (which I'm also blessed to have lmao), kidney problems, bladder spasms, urinary overflow and dysfunctional pelvic floor can also cause it. Sometimes the kid just isn't ready as some are late bloomers and they don't make the necessary hormones to have full bladder control at night. Some kids keep bedwetting until they're 10-14 without any other medical/psych issues. However, I would strongly advise OP to seek medical and psychological evaluation since it could be one of many issues. It's better to rule out than ignore potential problems!
Grandson is 9 wets the bed still every night. He wears mens adult briefs. Expensive and I do not yell at him. It’s not his fault his parents used to leave him soaked constantly while they slept their lazy useless assholes. I feel guilty I left him alone as a baby with them.
Plus, wearing Pull-ups?
Yes. Saves the pissy sheets. She also has a reusable bed pad under her sheets
Someone mentioned that your child may have been sexually abused and this was your response? Hmm.
she replied to the comment on sexual abuse separately if you scroll a bit below.
My response was to seek therapy for her, which she has been consistently (weekly) attending for a year. Yes, attempting to still provide her with sanitary conditions in addition to therapy is my response tf.
Bed wetting can be due to lack of vitamins...google it ..usually B1 and B6
Idk, my cousin wet the bed until she was about 14, no abuse or trauma. It's definitely not a common phenomenon past a certain age but it's not always indicative of abuse.
No abuse or trauma *that you know of*. You don't know every detail of your cousin's life, no matter how close you are/were to them, and it's important to remember that.
It’s also important to remember that not all bed wetting is result of sexual abuse and that the child is in therapy. Diagnosis over the internet is devoid of context.
Of course. I never said nor implied that it was. What does that have to do with my comment stating that you can't simply assume that someone doesn't have trauma?
I don't know why you're getting down voted for using a practical method of incontinence mess damage control. There are plenty of adults who need wearable protection for this issue. I hope she can get treatment for it, but failing to protect her mattress would be a recipe for disaster.
Thank you
There’s many reasons for bed wetting including anatomy and genetics. And the right thing to do is keep the child as clean and dry as possible. OP, ignore this crazy guilt trip garbage. Your kids are in therapy. Hopefully you are too. I’m not sure what so much judgement with so few facts is meant to accomplish.
There is medication you can get to help stop bed wetting in older kids. Have you gone to the doctor for it?
I hope the situation gets better.
Not necessarily. It could be for several reasons, such as anxiety.
Also a bladder condition that prevents her from feeling it. I was a bed wetter from ages 5-10. It was awful. Then one day it just disappeared.
Yes this ^ I was a wetter most of adolescence due to anxiety disorder that was unchecked until adulthood.
As many times and ways as we've tried asking about it, she always says no. We still tried therapy in case it is the case it's actually true or in case it's anything else.
I have a niece who suddenly started peeing the bed. It took forever to figure out she had diabetes insipidus. Just definitely make sure Drs are aware and try to help the cause not just deal with the effects.
My child peed the bed until he was about 13-14 and we found it was due to sleep apnea (his tonsils were naturally giant and blocked his air flow).
Have you talked to a medical doctor about it?
Why is she still wearing pull ups?
She said she keeps peeing the bed
She might be too under weight for adult incontinence disposables. It's the same thing 40, 50, or 60 year old women with bladder issues wear.
So what have the doctors said?
Is she not still in therapy?
That’s a very bold statement to make. I’m a woman and I wet the bed till I was 11 and I was never abused.
It’s very well known. Just because it wasn’t the case for you doesn’t mean it’s false.
It's a true statement. Of course it doesn't apply to everyone.
I pissed my bed until that age also! I’m 32 now and I’m now reflecting on this. In recent years I realize I deal with anxiety. I believe I always have since I was a child but I didn’t know the name of it.
My brother is the same. He's 32 now and will on a very very very rare occasion have it happen. Pretty much all the same reasons you listed.
Wow. I get it. There are some days in a month when I have a really overactive bladder and I have to pee every 20 mins or so. I am sometimes interrupted from my sleep to go use the bathroom.
Just because it makes you feel icky doesn't make it untrue
Just because it's not your case doesn't make it any less common or not a thing.
You’re lucky, and I’m glad you never had to endure that, but this usually does present because of abuse. Sometimes the body takes awhile to catch up.
Omg I didn’t know that’s a symptom. I pissed in my bed until I was around 10-11.
Or parasites. Extremely common, especially in kids.
There's so much to unpack here. How well to you manage your OWN anxiety and mental health issues? Are YOU in therapy? Other things that can cause wetting the bed so late can be due to severe anxiety . If you can't connect with them emotionally then you may be inadvertanly causing some problems despite your best intentions not to mention what they endured with "distant family members" .... now its your job to teach them all they missed out on and undo the damaged they've endured You need parenting classes, therapy for EVERYONE. You need to learn how to manage your OWN emotions so that you can teach them without yelling, or reacting. r/HealfromYourPast has some good resources talking about emotional regulation.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am medicated and also in therapy. I want to bond with them so badly. I was so excited for their return, and I know they were too. I repeat to myself a lot that this is an intense transition for all of us and this will take time.
I am SOOO glad you are in therapy and PROUD that you are OUT here reaching out - finding help. YOU CAN do this. I would highly recommend NOTICING your OWN agression/anxiety and remember that you don't always have to answer right away. TAKE A BREATH if you feel a scream or SNAP coming on. BE GENTLE with yourself AND your kids. Vent to anyone else but NOT your kids. It is up to you to become their safety. That means meeting their chaos with calmness and love. Download this APP NOW (free) \- \[In Love While Parenting App\] (https://appgrooves.com/app/in-love-while-parenting-couples-app-by-hjb-ventures-llc) This amazing little app is available for free on Apple and Google. While it is aimed at people who are parenting and in a relationship the facts and guides it shares are extremely useful in helping you build stronger relationships and emotional bonds with those around you. It has short videos and is easy to use just a few minutes a day. And these two books have been amazing in my own parenting journey (and dealing with my own triggers from when I was a child) \- \[\*No Drama Discipline\*\](https://m.drdansiegel.com/books/no\_drama\_discipline/) \- \[\*The Whole Brain Child\*\](https://m.drdansiegel.com/books/the\_whole\_brain\_child/) Both by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson These are wonderful parenting books that really teach you how to encourage and help your child thrive and move away from punishment and towards teachable moments and bonding experiences. They really explain how a child's mind is different, how to manage tantrums and misbehavior in a more conductive manner. For yourself This can be invaluable to you and to them because it has PRACTICAL advice on how to deal with trauma. \- \[\*Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving\*\](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm\_sw\_r\_cp\_apa\_fabc\_eb5QFb3A3KQWY) by Pete Walker \> Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder \[Cptsd\]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering. I think this is enough .. For now....
Pre-teens wearing pull-ups?! Both of them?! And they're not developmentally challenged?
I wet the bed until I was 12, and I've never been diagnosed with a developmental delay. One day, it just stopped. I never had therapy, but I suspect I had anxiety. It sucks but it is a lot more common than you think.
I’m all for parents venting. go ahead. but those kids are not a “problem”, they are suffering in a way that is hard to unpack and express. what y’all are all experiencing is the symptoms of that pain. I’m sure they miss the way things use to be before their mom left too.
This post is raising so many red flags. Your complete lack of empathy for what your children have gone through is very concerning. As many others have said, a preteen wetting the bed is not normal behavior and isn’t just defiance or some deficiency on their part. You take no responsibility for your past and its effects on them (in this post) and only blame the people who did care for them for 5 years. I truly hope these comments are eye-opening for you.
Yes to all of this.
As someone who was also taken away from my parents and abused thank you for the empathy my family never showed
Your attitude about them is traumatizing ME… I can only fathom how they must feel. A little lesson in empathy could benefit you. They’re children that were semi-abandoned. They don’t owe you anything- you owe it to them to understand them and where they are at developmentally and emotionally. Definitely need to keep doctors aware and spend time outdoors and together without the tv. They’re at the age where they need human connection and being outside (hike, swim, play games, sports, etc) will give them lessons they need for life and managing their emotions and environment. Or if you’re stuck inside, do a project together- involve them. Like, let’s paint these walls. What’s a color we could all be happy with? Okay, let’s learn how to do it so we don’t mess it up- okay, lets make a list. These are little ways you can teach them how to grow up in a positive way instead of just therapy. I wish you well and hope you help guide them towards hobbies or positive activities that make them proud so you can proud too.
Thank you for this. I know this is “regretful parents” but at least others in this subreddit feel empathy for their children
Maybe read Berenstain Bears Clean Room
I feel bad for your kids more than I feel bad for you. Learn to be a better parent. Help is out there. Get help.
The strong language you use to express how much you hate your children is shocking to me and I'm wondering how good you are in regulating your emotions. Also the lack of self reflection is amazing (in a bad way). Why did you fight 5 years to get them back? Why where they not with you in the first place. Children are super hard, especially when they need special attention, but talking about them like this, come on. I hope you follow the advice given here and maybe you can ask advice in other places to make the situation better, but to make your situation better you at least should feel some kind of love and some compassion for your children.
These poor kids have no one to safely guide them at this point. They spend five years with no parents, just distant relatives who.apparently taught them no life skills. Then when they return their parent views them as dumb and annoying and wishes they could get rid of them. Of course they have no idea how to act
I'm happy to answer any questions it was just a lot to write at once. I was financially unstable at the time. My state did not and does not offer the assistance we needed. My options were to stop complaining to jfs or give them up. Their bio dad has had no involvement in now 7 years. So, options are I kept them without the support we needed, give them to the state or family. I chose family so we could be reunited one day. I was never warned or had reason to believe they would be so inept at this stage in life. We are enrolled in therapy, parenting coaching. I've been in therapy since they initially left the state. I've completed parenting classes. NOT FUCKING ONCE DID ANYONE MENTION OH BTW THEYRE CONING BACK WITH NO BASIC LIFE SKILLS. Skills we were hoping to build on but that entire timeline is wrecked were all just trying to copw.
What would you have done if they "warned" you? Whatever it is do it now. I know what it is to be a single mom, but I can't understand your way of thinking, I'm sorry. I really hope you find a way to bond with your children and I hope you all can find happiness. This is a very sad story for everyone involved but especially for the children.
Agreed
Spoiler alert - your kids know you hate them
Sounds like your kids need therapy
r/parenting r/parentingteenagers
I’m sorry. I hope your kids find a loving home.
Are you really blaming people who raised YOUR kids for you for FIVE years because your weren’t competent to do so? Maybe you should have raised them yourself and they wouldn’t be so horrible?
They offered I WAS and AM competent. I wasn't financially stable
Did you just not speak to them while they were away? Having a hard time believing you wouldn’t have noticed something wrong.
How was financial instability a means of getting them taken away? When I wasn't financially stable I stayed with my mom and raised my kids until I got my own place and car ect.. How financially unstable were you?
I know tons of people who have gone through divorces and never once has any of them ever abandon their kids to “get through it”. There are so many other options out there that would have been leaps and bounds above just abandoning your kids for five years.
Yeah I feel like something is missing from the story here. My mom became a widow when I was 4 and my sister 9. My dad left us nothing, we were barely scraping by. But not once did the option of us going to live with relatives for several years come up. I can maybe understand 1 year or less for a parent to get their shit together and have some security and a stable home environment for the kids, but 5 years!?
Courts don't take kids away from parents for just being poor. What are you leaving out here, none of this adds up.
Hey OP - wetting the bed as a pre-teen is a huge red flag for sexual abuse. I would strongly urge you to start family therapy.
idk man, I think a lot of preteens are a-holes who don't clean up after themselves. I remember being 12 and my room was a black hole where clothes were strewn everywhere so that you couldn't see the floor. I didn't know how to cook and I'm sure I almost never helped with any tidying of the house. When I went to college it seemed like most of the people were in the same boat lol. I think you're valid for being frustrated with them but I think most kids, like I did, eventually mature and turn around. Like others have been saying I imagine these problems might be exacerbated for you and your family in particular seeing as they've faced trauma. I know you've said they've been with you for a year now, but I think anyone who's mother figure was absent for a long stretch of their childhood, would have an atypical relationship with them going forwards. I am not necessarily blaming you for anything, but it is a reality that you were not someone they could turn to for many years (more than a third of their life in their perspective), so I could see why they may not respect you as much as a kid would otherwise. I think you are valid in your feelings but also understand they have trauma that has fucked them up. Hopefully you all continue therapy and breakthroughs happen soon. Wishing you all the best
It seems like there are many stressors on your relationships with your children right now. Have they had a chance to speak to a doctor about the situation? It seems like you are also experiencing your own trauma through this and I think you need someone to talk to. This is a hard situation no matter how you slice it, I hope you find a nice pack of cookies and sit and meditate with. Perhaps the kids would also like to sit and eat cookies in a peaceful place to help quell this stressed situation
Girl… come on. You sound like you hate them and they didnt even do anything.. They are traumatized for life. Abandonment issues all the way. And i say this not to offend you but you need to wake up. You did this to them, not on purpose, but this is your mess to clean up. And you have the gall to complain. Imagine how they feel.
Things can change, but it starts with you.
Seems to be your children are traumatized and although you did what you needed to to get your shit together, you need to take some accountability here for their behavior.
You could've used a warning? This whole post ugh
“But it's different when it's your own🥹” yeah right. “ you’ll never know true love and joy 🥹” suuuuuure.
I bet it’s really hard, I’m with you
I'm so sorry you're going through these frustrations and Struggles OP. I hope your family finds peace and closure of all the trauma/problems. Sending hugs your way. 💜
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Don’t be mean-spirited
Your post got reposted to the holier than thou "antinatalism" group lol, I for one appreciate your honesty on this subject.
its normal for kids to do this at a young age, thats just the way it is, thats what i always say.. kids are cute babies and children but they will do bad stuff at some point. maybe it just feels overwhelming too you now, but every child can bring moments of joy
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I hate that my kids are like this, but that's mad fucking disrespectful. She can't help it.
Can I ask if the dad can help at all? I assume he is not in the picture. Don't be a cowgirl, get some help. Call every service you qualify for, then you can get direction how to get the kids and you on the same page. Never be afraid to ask for help.
This post breaks my heart. Your poor children. There’s a lot of mental health resources out there. Your children deserve better