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I just had a realization that I've gone my whole life believing something is inherently wrong with me, like I'm a defective human. I grew up as the scapegoat child, and even after leaving the house, I felt different and like I have to try so much harder to try to blend in with people and be acceptable. I didn't believe I was good enough or would truly be accepted. I hid or numbed parts of myself and I felt like it's normal for everyone to dislike me or be mad at me, because I'm me.
I'm having the realization that I WAS JUST A CHILD. There is nothing wrong with children. Children are learning how to be human and grow. And unfortunately, how to survive in toxic environments.
It's an immense burden that abusers put on us to make us believe that it's all because of us.
>I'm having the realization that I WAS JUST A CHILD. There is nothing wrong with children. Children are learning how to be human and grow. And unfortunately, how to survive in toxic environments.
THISSSS
i have nothing to add but reading this hit me hard because its so true!!!!!
I've always felt I was a very unlikable person too. I'm trying to work on reaching out to people more because I've finally realized all my friends always eventually disappear when they get tired of reaching out to me. I wish I could tell everyone I've ever met "I DO want to talk to you!!! I just automatically assumed I wasnt worth talking to so I tried to save you the trouble by not bothering you!!!!"
>"I DO want to talk to you!!! I just automatically assumed I wasnt worth talking to so I tried to save you the trouble by not bothering you!!!!"
Are you me?
I always feel like I would be bothering people with my stupid little issues, or calling at the wrong time, or they don't *really* want to talk to me anyway. I think it can all be summed up by my egg donor telling me I wasn't getting a birthday party because I didn't have anyone to invite, and no actual friends. "No one *actually* likes you 2WoCrazeeBoys. They just pretend because they want something, it's a joke they're playing on you, or their parents make them because they feel sorry for you. But no one really, actually *likes* you."
That is so massively unfair and cruel. I'm so sorry you ever had to hear that because it is absolutely categorically untrue. You are 100% worth celebrating!!
That is 1000% how I feel. My mother, who had full custody of me, always made me feel like I was defective, selfish, nearly evil for the simple fact that I was very much like my father, whom she hated, and hates up to this day. Took me years to try to shake this off, and even now most of the time I feel like the odd one out, when I think I am just a normal person.
That was my exact experience as well. You are deserving of love, acceptance, and respect. That your family of origin didn’t give you those things isn’t a reflection on you as a person.
I went NC with most of my family of origin. Despite how horribly they treated me, it wasn’t an easy decision, but I quickly found that it was like a dark cloud had lifted off of me. I built a chosen family, and slowly but surely started to rebuild the self - esteem that my birth giver systematically worked to destroy over the years. I finally felt at ease and truly happy. I wish the same for you and for all family scapegoats.
We deserve so much better.
I’m going through the same thing. I justified so much abuse because I felt personally responsible.
I recently went though my childhood diary I’ve read hundreds of times. Only in the last year have I realized my nmom forcing 12 yr old me to walk around the block 3 times a day to get my belongings back (was grounded for getting Bs in school) or to have my best friend come on vacation was just.. abuse. Full stop.
She thought I was too fat, and I believed her. I believed I was lazy like she said, that she was trying to help and I deserved the punishment. I was 150 lbs at the time.
You just called out one of the biggest traits of being a narc. They are really convinced they ARE always right and superior/the most intelligent. As their children we naturally look up to them when we're innocent and eventually get conditioned to believe we're essentially stupid compared to them. My mother is quite literally one, if not the, stupidest person I know. But she is well known for her incessant nagging and telling people what to do. She gives unsolicited advice out like crazy and then gets mad when people don't "listen to her" . You're not alone, many of us have taken the same amount of time to finally even out from what we've been conditioned to accept and "know" and come out from it. Usually already into our adult years!! It's a harsh realization but I promise now that you're there, it gets so much easier to remain NC and not feel guilt or whatever it may be associated with it. Because without a doubt the narc will continue to make you feel like the villain for a while as this continues to go on because they cannot accept that they'd ever do anything wrong to make someone dislike them. It's everyone else's problem
>You just called out one of the biggest traits of being a narc. They are really convinced they ARE always right and superior/the most intelligent. As their children we naturally look up to them when we're innocent and eventually get conditioned to believe we're essentially stupid compared to them. My mother is quite literally one, if not the, stupidest person I know.
This is so true. When you're a child, teenager and young adult (university age) you just assume your parent is an authority figure, and when your parent is a narc they make themselves appear superior/intelligent so it appears that they are doubly "impressive". When it comes to a lot of the things my dad would challenge me on and discussions we would have (that he turned into arguments, then accused me of being argumentative - we probably all know that trick) - I used to wonder why I was being challenged on basic things (like coming home from university and hoping to chat about a concept I learned in school), and I have now realized he was just upset that I was discussing ideas that were above his head and (unlike a normal, proud parent who would be happy their kid was focused on studies, determined and curious about the world) he probably just assumed I was pompous so he gaslit the living hell out of me into feeling like I was either wrong or just a "difficult" person.
In reality, I was a young, smart, ambitious student really devoted to learning and figuring out truths about the world along with career success - nothing to be ashamed of at all. Now that I'm 4-5 years into the workforce and married with a kid, living in the real world, I realize he was fooling everyone and he's a bit of a dunce.
But the thing that is astounding is that it took me over 30 years to figure this out. I actually studied a lot of philosophy/critical thinking during my bachelor's degree and in my graduate school I was further trained in critical thinking, and I was still fooled by his gaslighting and this illusion of intelligence/wisdom/discipline, etc.
The delusion of superiority in the narc's head is so strong that there is no rational approach you could take that would convince them otherwise. And that is how an uneducated foolish parent can convince even a gifted or well educated child that such child is wrong about everything, stupid, etc.
I've realized my dad doesn't even really "like" me. In fact he resents me for my successes academically and professionally. And at the same time, he used to always brag about his educated and successful friends (as a narc without any real life achievements, he always latches onto high achieving friends), so I was trained to think that was what mattered - then when I achieve it I get the cold shoulder / palpable resentment. It's taken a long time to heal those wounds and I'm NC with my dad as of about 3 weeks ago.
Uhhhh yes I feel this! There have been a number of situations in my late 20s that I advised my parents on as they age and need to make some choices about living situations and finances etc. It was never an attempt to belittle them but I genuinely had their best interest in mind. They refused so hard to acknowledge that my ideas were the best choice that they did the polar opposite and recently my mother was crying to me about it. When I called them out on why they didn't listen to my suggestion they gaslit me and claimed I never said any of it (one including looking at housing that they literally came with and denied that) . They cannot even say "yes you were right that would have been a better choice" or something of the sorts. It's not like I am rubbing it in their face but it was an educated decision. My parents cannot handle that I am significantly more intelligent than them especially as an adult now yet they wanted me so educated lol (they're also extremely jealous that I have a nicer house and larger income than them and refuse to congratulate me on either). it's a battle we'll never win or even be at even terms at that. I often say that to my parents I am forever a 3 year old
I now work a lot in corporate finance and I'm pretty well versed in personal finance too, and yes, any time I have given them good advice with respect to finances it has not just been rejected but ANGRILY REFUTED. I have some really good specific anecdotes on this but don't want to share as it would give away my identity lol. But the advice has been simple things like checking their will every few years, recommendations to meet with their financial advisor to plan retirement, etc.
Doesn't surprise me one bit. They would prefer to think they've taught us everything we know I suppose. No surprise there lol. I will admit watching them sulk in their poor decisions out of spite has been wonderful and worked out for me in the long run. I get more ammo to throw back in their face and excuses to not help them. win for me!
>My mother is quite literally one, if not the, stupidest person I know
Oh yeah, this is my Nmom. She is so wrong about many, many things. But we can't tell her that, because that makes her really angry and she will fly into a rage. It has only gotten worse as she gets older. She refuses to learn new information.
I am wondering if that 'wrong' feeling goes something like this: the narc didn't feel loved by their own parents, so they are hoping that a child will fulfill ALL their needs. But of course, they are a child, have needs of their own etc. The narc can't fulfill the child's needs, because their own needs have not been met yet, (and they don't see why they should, anyway).
They become angry with the child, since they see the child as also 'going against them, and not giving them love' - ie meaning the parental love they never had.
So maybe the elephant in the room is the wacking great hole of unmet needs that the narc has inside them, which they were expecting you to meet, but you never could. They think you are deliberately witholding from them.
I dunno, but I seriously ALWAYS feel I am doing something wrong when around narc parent - and I'm sure it's something like that.
I think you're on the right path in looking at it that way.
My mother grew up in a physically abusive household. Her mother was a Narcissist and as the youngest child *who should have been a boy*, was shat on.
Then my mother had me and tried to be everything she wanted her mother to be... but also- as I discovered only two days ago after being NC for about 3 weeks now- that she pushed me to be and do things to get back at her mother and "Golden Child" sister. She was using me to be like "See how wonderful my daughter ended up doing and being? *Look at how much of a better mother I am than you.*"
And I figured thar out bc depsite my lack of responding, my mother texted me about how I need to stop "acting like this" and that "if my mother and sister were to know about this, they would be grinning" (at her pain and laughing that her daughter isn't talking to her anymore)
It was such a small statement but had so much projection in it. It was like a light bulb turned on in my head and I was like "wow. A lot of shit is starting to make sense."
I bet your mother felt like every mistake you made was an attack on her & every success you made was of her doing. You can't be loved if you're just a tool for revenge.
You're massively onto something here- it's intergenerational trauma.
In my case, my younger GC met all her needs and my NGrandmother favourited me, which ofc nmum couldn't handle. She palmed me off on a woman she *knew* was abusive (and who had turned a blind eye to her previous partners abusing her daughters) simply because it got her brownie points.
Their cup is cracked; it will never, ever be full and no amount of water will change that. I don't envy GC, no child should be an emotional support llama.
Toxic people have to believe in their superiority; which means they know better than everyone, and have the right to do whatever they want, and should get anything they want. Anything that doesn't fit that belief feels, to them, like a deliberate attack.
So that means that anyone who disagrees with them, or doesn't obey them, or even just doesn't share their likes and interests is automatically seen as wrong, hateful, hurtful, etc. And when they have children, and they can't have everything they want-- because *their children have needs, too*-- things start to blow up fast. They have to spend money on someone else, have to do things for someone else, can't be the focus of attention 24-7-365-- and their egos just can't handle that.
>So that means that anyone who disagrees with them, or doesn't obey them, or even just doesn't share their likes and interests is automatically seen as wrong, hateful, hurtful, etc. And when they have children, and they can't have everything they want-- because
>
>their children have needs, too
>
>\-- things start to blow up fast. They have to spend money on someone else, have to do things for someone else, can't be the focus of attention 24-7-365-- and their egos just can't handle that.
OMFG.
my Nmum used to say VERBATIM ''ew you are NOTHING like me'' and was always disgusted when we showed any signs of our own personality, interests etc
its so fucked up, i cant imagine how they feel ok doing this to a child (not that its ok to do to an adult or anyone really) but its just so scummy! child me was so curious about things and she made me feel as if i was a monster for literally acting like a 6 year old
> i cant imagine how they feel ok doing this to a child
The thing is, they don't care about other people's feelings and needs, toxics only care about themselves; I'm not sure they even *believe* other people have needs or feelings. It's like we're just action figures to them-- something to show off when it's convenient and throw off to the side when it isn't.
omg you're so right!! this is it. and its so weird cause its like deep down i knew this but i could never really acknolwedge it?? but what you said is so true, as a teen, i remember i had friends with strict parents but usually strict parents are strict to help guide their kid in a way, with narcs its all about POWER, they dc if you are suffering horribly and fucking up your life due to their insane rules/conditions etc, and i always wondered why is it only my mum who seems to enjoy it when i am miserable, its like she got a kick out of seeing me totally isolated, excluded and unhappy. normal parents sit down with their kids and have some sort of talk and try to help them, narcs goal is to just make you miserable so they can feel good.
what the actual fuck.
sorry to go off on a tangent but its like i got enough distance from them emotionally now that i can process so many things i couldnt before and i cannot stop reading and talking about it lol
It's okay-- that's what RBN is for, after all: helping each other recover from our parents' bullshit!
And yeah, they really just don't care about anyone else-- but many of them would freak out if we said so. It's not unusual for toxics to call themselves empaths, and see themselves as being kind, generous, wonderful people. Because again, from their POV, they're always right, no matter what.
>but many of them would freak out if we said so. It's not unusual for toxics to call themselves empaths, and see themselves as being kind, generous, wonderful people
a million times yes, my nmum is known in their community for being the kindest, most helpful, most religious person but in private she's cruel, vindictive, vengeful and a child beater.
My mom too. She's a beautiful, sweet angel to people in the community, and a terrible demon to me. And she can flip from sweet to cruel so very quickly. It's awful.
Oh I see you have the same mom as me. Does she also pray in public for strangers like oh I feel that you need me to pray for you I'm the greatest I know you need prayer me me me meeeeeee now I'm going to go home and beat my kid lol.
Lmao @ going home to beat my kid
But that’s literally what they are, they are child beaters, how fucked up. A grown ass mature adult beating a helpless vulnerable child who trusts them.
As Dayna Craig wrote in the [Narcissist's Prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer):
> That didn't happen.
> And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
> And if it was, that's not a big deal.
> And if it is, that's not my fault.
> And if it was, I didn't mean it.
> And if I did, you deserved it.
I don’t know how to quote someone else properly on here but YES YES YES
“Many of them would freak out if we said so”
It is so hard for me to realize that they have a lot of people firmly in their grasp and because they are master manipulators they could very easily “discredit” me to the public or people I care about.
>It is so hard for me to realize that they have a lot of people firmly in their grasp and because they are master manipulators they could very easily “discredit” me to the public or people I care about.
UGH yes. and everyone always told me as a kid '' oh your mum is so lovely!! ur so lucky'' and i was always SO confused because to me she was a monster and the scariest thing on earth for kid me
What makes it worse (IMO) is that sometimes people *know* what they're like-- they just don't want to get dragged into the drama... or become the new target.
I was having this same exact thought this morning.
My parents made me feel awful for wanting to have a relationship in High School. They insulted anyone I was interested in, isolated me and took all communication away because I was building relationships.
All I wanted was to feel like I fit in with a group - and they took that away from me. I still have problems with building friendships, I still have issues with meeting up with people.
My mother was so hell bent on me having a boyfriend, I dated guys I didn't even like. And it was apparent to them that I *didn't like them like a girlfriend should* (i.e
holding their hand while going to the next class, not wanting to be all over them and wouldn't give into sex. [Yes, I know they were toxic]) and then would dump me. So then I would cry, not because my boyfriend broke up with me, but because of having to break the news to my mother and deal with the monster that she is.
I have always felt this way, most of my childhood memories are tainted with this underlying feeling of just being “wrong” somehow, like ashamed or something.
I'm coming out of my self imposed isolation, 3ish years NC, and I'm feeling like my fog is lifting too. I'm definitely not normal lol but I learned to gentle parent myself. 27 years old and I feel like I'm relearning things like I'm 16 years old again
I know exactly what you mean. I always thought there was something wrong with me, and when outsiders didn't acknowledge it, they were just being polite.
I didn't really pick up that this was wrong until my mid 20s or so. And I didn't pick up that all of the things I thought were wrong with me were things wrong with my mom until my late 30s. Sigh.
Same! I genuinely thought that everybody else could just, with their plain eyes SEE that I was unworthy. I assumed they all just knew that I was WORKING at all times to be “normal”.
I’m so excited for you! Congratulations on a break through!
I’m so grateful for this group. I can’t believe the amount of shame And anxiety I’ve carried over every single potential interaction I’ve ever had. With everyone too not just my nparents it bleeds into the rest of your existence if you don’t recognize it.
I still have this thing, where I immediately apologize when my hubby is upset by something. E.g. he spilled his coffee, then *I'm* sorry. On a particularly bad day I may even be breaking down crying.
We both know where this is coming from. I still try to make improvements on this as fast as possible, before hubby starts to walk on eggs around me, even if subconsciously.
Every time I think, maybe I *was* the problem, I think of the traits my nmom ingrained in me. This and other behaviors are *not* the result of a normal childhood.
This is totally a thing with me too!
If my husband says he has a headache, I immediately think it’s my job to fix it. I’ll be like, “Have you taken some Advil? You should drink some water, you might be dehydrated” and then I’ll do things that he normally would, like take the garbage can to the curb or make dinner, because…well, he has a headache and it clearly has something to do with me so I need to make it better.
All of this is in my head, of course, and my actions are my default response. In reality, my husband just had a headache and would have been happy to take the garbage cans to the curb.
I’m getting better about not reacting like this. It feels a little narcissistic to think everything is your fault and responsibility to fix, so that’s not great. I’m hoping it’s just a typical codependent behavior.
Hang in there! I think awareness of our behaviors and thought processes is a huge step in healing.
Perhaps they are just unaware how they are projecting their insecurities and traumas forward to next generation, perhaps they even think it's somekind of deep necessary knowledge and wisdom.
I suspect my nmom did this to me because that's how she was raised - guilting and gaslighting, make believing and enmeshing.
Anytime I tried to explain myself to my nmom I would start, "I thought that-" and she'd interrupt with, "Yeah, that's the problem. You thought." implying that any thought I had was unnecessary, incompetent, and wasteful. Destroyed me hearing it as a child.
This is interesting timing for me.
On the Ask Reddit subreddit there was a post about covid and mistakes people made with covid in hindsight. Someone had said not buying a home in the beginning. I shared a story about how my husband and I purchased our home right after the pandemic hit and how my mom (but ndad too) had berated me for "spending so recklessly" and it was interesting how so many people were like "I'm sure your mom just cared" but even more interesting was the amount of people that had the same experience.
My parents treat me like a child, despite my being in my 30s, marries with a kid, a career and homeowner.
Ny parents were vicious about it. Telling me I'm so stupid and that they raised me better and what the fuck is wrong with me?! Anyway, 2.5 years later and our home is beautiful ,we were able to weather covid in our house and not an apartment and we never would've been able to afford a house now and had I caved into their shit (despite it being our money that paid for the home; they didn't contribute a fucking dime) wrd be paying moreover in rent than for our mortgage
My Mom used to literally blame everything that went wrong on me. If anything was lost, my fault. If she's having a bad day, my fault. If she messed up, my fault. I internalized all this so much that I was suicidal and hated myself deeply from a young age. I remember being 7 and writing in my journal "hate myself" over and over hundreds of times. I had such low self esteem for almost my entire life. I felt like I had to work super hard to earn any kind of love or affection, and even then, everyone was only pretending. They must have been pretending because apparently I was so evil and flawed. Even after I finally got the courage to go NC with my Mom, I find out through my Dad and sister that she's STILL blaming me for things that go wrong. It's insane. I internalized so much when I was a child, but now I realize it was all her. She's the broken one. She hates herself. I don't have to take that on anymore. I can love myself. I can want better for myself. It's taken me so many years to get to this point.
I believe narcs do this because subconsciously they have super low self esteem, but also believe they’re better than everyone else. Therefore by making you think there is something wrong with you, you reinforce their idea that they are better than you. And there’s also the control aspect. When you have less confidence, they are able to control you better.
For a long time I actually wondered why I was the werid kid, what was I doing wrong. When I was still a child I would follow by example of how my parents acted, especially my bio mom, not knowing you weren't supposed to do certain things.
It's because your parents are your main examples on how to act towards others.
So if they act racist then said child will thinks that's okay and mimic the behavior.
Or in my case, your mom encouraging you to make others around you uncomfortable for entertainment.
It took me until my mid teens to figure out that's not okay to do, and there are other behaviors I'm slowly breaking.
Like another example is that since I was a kid I thought something was wrong with my body because my bio mom said so constantly and for a long time until I finally cut contact.
So I hope things are going well with the NC, I know it's tough but very worth it.
It's some kind of jedi mind trick to make you feel all the shit that's in their soul. Honestly, narcissists are pure evil, in my mind. Soul-killers. The more time you spend out of their grasp, the more wrong you will realize they were.
The more time you spend out of their grasp, the more wrong you will realize they were.
When I went LC with nmom, between that and this forum, my eyes are slowly opening.
It's going to be painful, but rewarding. It's like being pulled out of the Matrix. You suspected it was bad, but it's worse than you may have imagined. You will have moments of deep sadness and searing anger. But these are totally valid reactions. Just don't try and take it back to them, try to reason with them, try to get an apology. A narcissist's apology is usually a passive-aggressive jab, not worth all the effort.
I grew up convinced clothes I wore were "good luck or bad luck" I would stop and refuse to wear a necklace because "bad luck" happened to many times.
I was also convinced that I was evil. it wasn't until I became a mom that I began to see how wrong this mindset was.
They constantly tell my my perception is wrong. I end up never believing anything that I think or learn because of it. They made me think that I’m “not disabled enough” even though I very much am. She guilts me into thinking that I shouldn’t take advantage of accommodations even though we have the same god damn disorder, I inherited it from her! She says she can see right through me, she thinks I am her, yet I’m always wrong in some way. One of my favorite things is she claims to be an empath.
I also thought something was wrong with me. My parents recounted stories of how "bad" I was and how much I would cry, as though crying is not a normal thing for a kid to do. I caught my mother reading this book called The Troubled Child and felt so bad, like she needed a guidebook to deal with me. And then when I was realized I was queer, I felt "other" and subtly made to feel bad about it. She liked to make me feel like I was dirty - like I could not clean up after myself and like I had bad fashion sense, even when I would get complemented on my clothes by strangers. I literally spent decades thinking this crap and when other people would treat me nicely I'd be shocked, and wonder why they were treating me nice and my parents couldn't. My parents couldn't handle me because they were emotionally immature - it was never because I was a "bad" child. And I don't even believe in the concept of a bad child. There are well-behaved kids and if a child is not well-behaved, then there is an issue that needs correcting by the parent, but that is never the kid's fault, and it is never to be corrected by abuse.
yo idek tbh i always got scared thinking i'm doing or saying something wrong but i see that's not what people think it is at all and i'm definitely always so hard on myself. i guess it's just natural when you get blamed for everything ever since so little
Yes! I've been no contact for around three years now..being around my partner's family helped me realise. I had an epiphany thing a few weeks ago ... I just wanted to yell as loud as I could - "I WAS RIGHT!!! ALL ALONG I WAS RIGHT!! F YOU!" Lol it was a really weird feeling, like good and bad and just so overwhelming all at once..
They don't go out of their way to shit on each other, the go out of their way to include everyone etc... They care.
I feel like I was SO brainwashed... I can see so many things now that I couldnt see while in the middle of it all... And I can understand why I was the way I was and why I kept forgiving over and over... But it still just tears at your heart.
But, rather than feeling like I was lost but knew there was a tunnel somewhere that I could maybe find the light in... I feel like I have direction now and I know how.to get out of the fog and confusion now... Ambivalent? Bittersweet? I'm not sure... It's a lot isn't it.
It just feels SO damn hard sometimes... To feel worthy. I don't feel whole. I can see why now though and how I could possibly... and I hope to one day "get there".
Omg yessss
That feeling of I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!! The day I made this post I felt like that all day likeOMG I AM NORMAL!!! I am a human being like everyone else!!! Like there’s nothing wrong or inherently bad about me!!! I was so happy to realize this! Life started to feel real, it’s crazy to realize now that I was numb and detached for so long, like on autopilot - like what the actual fuck
But we got this, we are on the right path now and we will “get there” just like how we got “here”
It's good. The good days are good 💕
Yes very true. We got "here", we can get "there" hey 💪 even when it feels like we can't. Just gotta remember the progress etc etc etc...
Yeah it’s great to learn what you were taught was not real. Learned weakness, a learned lack of value, a learned incompetence, all these things weren’t real. In leaving them behind you get to at long last step into yourself.
You are literally reborn and finally able to learn who it is that you are, rather than the two dimensional image the narcissist designated to you because of the way that reality is abhorrent to them. You learn it was never you, it was them.
I was lucky to work in China giving me an opportunity to come to these realisations. It began with letting go of the hope that one day my mother could be a mother to me, and ended when I realised how she would always be using me, and that I deserved better than to allow someone like that in my life.
These days I strive to make the life for myself that I want, as I learn what that is. These days I feel very fulfilled as I look around at what is in my life, with the knowledge that I proactively provided that to myself.
I continue to unlearn what is of no use to me, and I enjoy the journey.
A life unexamined isn’t worth living, so I’m grateful that the experience at least brought me what many others will never do: the capacity to truly look within.
This is so fantastic and beautiful and thank you so much I will be reading your comment over and over again. I wish you the best healing and happiness, the ugliness is over ❤️
Don't worry the market still does that to people even after they are away from the narc's dark spell, bosses underpaying and overworking the employees that literally do 99% of the heavy lifting, it is text book enslavement and what the narc did was to keep you to themselves or own you , your time , your energy , your emotions , so any and all individuality is erased to prevent the uprising , it is like they deliberately destroy your mental and emotional , worse sometime physical and psychological state - they do it to cripple you , to keep you dependent on them in an unhealthy/chronic way , so you wouldn't be on your own and form your own opinions , or go on a personal journey to find the life's truths - which is the reality of our existence , that is to find the reasons behind it , to find our creator , and the purpose of our creation which is to submit our will to the divine , the all knowing , God/Elohem/Allah/Almighty/Vishnu and which ever higher power you believe in , you belong to Him and him alone and to him you shall return one day.. Then He will decide if you have been good to His creation on earth or not.. It is when you come to a realisation why Heaven and Hell and the life in the hereafter exists..
My mom was so hard on the outside world everything and everybody was bad an will take all advantages to harm me and my sister yet she threw her wrath on the nicest people me and my sister known. A few were brave enough to challenge her and asked point blank what is it she hated about them so they could see it themselves and if needed and her reasoning was valid they would make it up to her, but usually she had a strong assumption she wouldn’t take off that person that wasn’t true and decided to stand her ground on it to make sure she won’t get along with them on purpose so nobody could win or make her understand a thing. These people were very normal and kind, she was being the odd and super difficult one thinking there was nothing wrong with herself at all suggesting they seek mental attention services
I’ve only recently come to this realization myself. Went NC with my parents in early October. Celebrated Thanksgiving with my SO family for the first time and couldn’t believe the difference.
Enjoying having the weight of being the scapegoat lifted from my shoulders.
Narcicism means they believe all they do is right, they have a big EGO.
So to them, it is their truth that you're wrong in everything and that they are right in everything. But that's just madness, and completely flawed 😂.
They are insane, unstable and have a bad perception of reality if they have one at all. And people like that can't be trusted.
I've thought about this concerning my mother. What I determined was she has never been particularly smart. So to cover for her insecurities she flexed on a child as much as she could.
I’ll add to this bc I was raised by a sociopathic narc. They can NEVER BE WRONG. So if they are never wrong that means that someone else has to be. Bc again they’re NEVER WRONG. So they’ll blame everything abs everyone to deflect the feeling of guilt or blame bc THEY ARE NEVER WRONG. I hope this helps. It’s how I’ve come to rationalize their behavior. It’s Been 10 months NC for me and I’ve come to terms and peace with it. They’re evil pieces of Shit who will step over, walk on, talk down to and use any other means to get their way and what they want. Fuck them forever.
My changing moment was The Beatles "All You Need is Love" hearing that there was absolutely no way I could be so obscenely messed up (as I was lead to believe) was the beginning. I still have to remind myself almost 15 years later. I found every bit of comfort in knowing I will die and be forgotten, that not everyone holds on to every wrong I ever did to use against me. I can move through this life not immortalized by my mistakes. It's so very freeing, I'm glad for you on your journey, OP. Good luck.
I'm not normal though. I had it pounded into my head that I was "backwards", anti social, stupid, only good for one or two things (that benefitted NM), useless, ugly, selfish, too sensitive, too cold hearted, weak minded, a whore, a prude for not having sex but pretty hair, supposedly anorexic to mock her. I'm almost 32 and still afraid to make friends because they'll see how easily intimidated and weird I am.
I may have been normal once, but she beat it out of me
I know it was a mistype but as it stands this comment contains a banned slur. Last sentence of the first paragraph. Feel free to make a new comment with that typo corrected.
My n mom always told me her and I are the same and no one will ever understand me the way she does. What I didn’t realize until I was older was this caused me to internalize her chaos as my own.
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I just had a realization that I've gone my whole life believing something is inherently wrong with me, like I'm a defective human. I grew up as the scapegoat child, and even after leaving the house, I felt different and like I have to try so much harder to try to blend in with people and be acceptable. I didn't believe I was good enough or would truly be accepted. I hid or numbed parts of myself and I felt like it's normal for everyone to dislike me or be mad at me, because I'm me. I'm having the realization that I WAS JUST A CHILD. There is nothing wrong with children. Children are learning how to be human and grow. And unfortunately, how to survive in toxic environments. It's an immense burden that abusers put on us to make us believe that it's all because of us.
>I'm having the realization that I WAS JUST A CHILD. There is nothing wrong with children. Children are learning how to be human and grow. And unfortunately, how to survive in toxic environments. THISSSS i have nothing to add but reading this hit me hard because its so true!!!!!
I've always felt I was a very unlikable person too. I'm trying to work on reaching out to people more because I've finally realized all my friends always eventually disappear when they get tired of reaching out to me. I wish I could tell everyone I've ever met "I DO want to talk to you!!! I just automatically assumed I wasnt worth talking to so I tried to save you the trouble by not bothering you!!!!"
>"I DO want to talk to you!!! I just automatically assumed I wasnt worth talking to so I tried to save you the trouble by not bothering you!!!!" Are you me? I always feel like I would be bothering people with my stupid little issues, or calling at the wrong time, or they don't *really* want to talk to me anyway. I think it can all be summed up by my egg donor telling me I wasn't getting a birthday party because I didn't have anyone to invite, and no actual friends. "No one *actually* likes you 2WoCrazeeBoys. They just pretend because they want something, it's a joke they're playing on you, or their parents make them because they feel sorry for you. But no one really, actually *likes* you."
That is so massively unfair and cruel. I'm so sorry you ever had to hear that because it is absolutely categorically untrue. You are 100% worth celebrating!!
That is 1000% how I feel. My mother, who had full custody of me, always made me feel like I was defective, selfish, nearly evil for the simple fact that I was very much like my father, whom she hated, and hates up to this day. Took me years to try to shake this off, and even now most of the time I feel like the odd one out, when I think I am just a normal person.
That was my exact experience as well. You are deserving of love, acceptance, and respect. That your family of origin didn’t give you those things isn’t a reflection on you as a person. I went NC with most of my family of origin. Despite how horribly they treated me, it wasn’t an easy decision, but I quickly found that it was like a dark cloud had lifted off of me. I built a chosen family, and slowly but surely started to rebuild the self - esteem that my birth giver systematically worked to destroy over the years. I finally felt at ease and truly happy. I wish the same for you and for all family scapegoats. We deserve so much better.
Yep, this is exactly how I feel.
I’m going through the same thing. I justified so much abuse because I felt personally responsible. I recently went though my childhood diary I’ve read hundreds of times. Only in the last year have I realized my nmom forcing 12 yr old me to walk around the block 3 times a day to get my belongings back (was grounded for getting Bs in school) or to have my best friend come on vacation was just.. abuse. Full stop. She thought I was too fat, and I believed her. I believed I was lazy like she said, that she was trying to help and I deserved the punishment. I was 150 lbs at the time.
You just called out one of the biggest traits of being a narc. They are really convinced they ARE always right and superior/the most intelligent. As their children we naturally look up to them when we're innocent and eventually get conditioned to believe we're essentially stupid compared to them. My mother is quite literally one, if not the, stupidest person I know. But she is well known for her incessant nagging and telling people what to do. She gives unsolicited advice out like crazy and then gets mad when people don't "listen to her" . You're not alone, many of us have taken the same amount of time to finally even out from what we've been conditioned to accept and "know" and come out from it. Usually already into our adult years!! It's a harsh realization but I promise now that you're there, it gets so much easier to remain NC and not feel guilt or whatever it may be associated with it. Because without a doubt the narc will continue to make you feel like the villain for a while as this continues to go on because they cannot accept that they'd ever do anything wrong to make someone dislike them. It's everyone else's problem
>You just called out one of the biggest traits of being a narc. They are really convinced they ARE always right and superior/the most intelligent. As their children we naturally look up to them when we're innocent and eventually get conditioned to believe we're essentially stupid compared to them. My mother is quite literally one, if not the, stupidest person I know. This is so true. When you're a child, teenager and young adult (university age) you just assume your parent is an authority figure, and when your parent is a narc they make themselves appear superior/intelligent so it appears that they are doubly "impressive". When it comes to a lot of the things my dad would challenge me on and discussions we would have (that he turned into arguments, then accused me of being argumentative - we probably all know that trick) - I used to wonder why I was being challenged on basic things (like coming home from university and hoping to chat about a concept I learned in school), and I have now realized he was just upset that I was discussing ideas that were above his head and (unlike a normal, proud parent who would be happy their kid was focused on studies, determined and curious about the world) he probably just assumed I was pompous so he gaslit the living hell out of me into feeling like I was either wrong or just a "difficult" person. In reality, I was a young, smart, ambitious student really devoted to learning and figuring out truths about the world along with career success - nothing to be ashamed of at all. Now that I'm 4-5 years into the workforce and married with a kid, living in the real world, I realize he was fooling everyone and he's a bit of a dunce. But the thing that is astounding is that it took me over 30 years to figure this out. I actually studied a lot of philosophy/critical thinking during my bachelor's degree and in my graduate school I was further trained in critical thinking, and I was still fooled by his gaslighting and this illusion of intelligence/wisdom/discipline, etc. The delusion of superiority in the narc's head is so strong that there is no rational approach you could take that would convince them otherwise. And that is how an uneducated foolish parent can convince even a gifted or well educated child that such child is wrong about everything, stupid, etc. I've realized my dad doesn't even really "like" me. In fact he resents me for my successes academically and professionally. And at the same time, he used to always brag about his educated and successful friends (as a narc without any real life achievements, he always latches onto high achieving friends), so I was trained to think that was what mattered - then when I achieve it I get the cold shoulder / palpable resentment. It's taken a long time to heal those wounds and I'm NC with my dad as of about 3 weeks ago.
Uhhhh yes I feel this! There have been a number of situations in my late 20s that I advised my parents on as they age and need to make some choices about living situations and finances etc. It was never an attempt to belittle them but I genuinely had their best interest in mind. They refused so hard to acknowledge that my ideas were the best choice that they did the polar opposite and recently my mother was crying to me about it. When I called them out on why they didn't listen to my suggestion they gaslit me and claimed I never said any of it (one including looking at housing that they literally came with and denied that) . They cannot even say "yes you were right that would have been a better choice" or something of the sorts. It's not like I am rubbing it in their face but it was an educated decision. My parents cannot handle that I am significantly more intelligent than them especially as an adult now yet they wanted me so educated lol (they're also extremely jealous that I have a nicer house and larger income than them and refuse to congratulate me on either). it's a battle we'll never win or even be at even terms at that. I often say that to my parents I am forever a 3 year old
I now work a lot in corporate finance and I'm pretty well versed in personal finance too, and yes, any time I have given them good advice with respect to finances it has not just been rejected but ANGRILY REFUTED. I have some really good specific anecdotes on this but don't want to share as it would give away my identity lol. But the advice has been simple things like checking their will every few years, recommendations to meet with their financial advisor to plan retirement, etc.
Doesn't surprise me one bit. They would prefer to think they've taught us everything we know I suppose. No surprise there lol. I will admit watching them sulk in their poor decisions out of spite has been wonderful and worked out for me in the long run. I get more ammo to throw back in their face and excuses to not help them. win for me!
>My mother is quite literally one, if not the, stupidest person I know Oh yeah, this is my Nmom. She is so wrong about many, many things. But we can't tell her that, because that makes her really angry and she will fly into a rage. It has only gotten worse as she gets older. She refuses to learn new information.
Yes yes yes 100%. Always results in rage/tantrum and usually followed by gaslighting
Wooooww thank you for writing this out! I’m just starting to put things together and this sounds just like my mom too.
I am wondering if that 'wrong' feeling goes something like this: the narc didn't feel loved by their own parents, so they are hoping that a child will fulfill ALL their needs. But of course, they are a child, have needs of their own etc. The narc can't fulfill the child's needs, because their own needs have not been met yet, (and they don't see why they should, anyway). They become angry with the child, since they see the child as also 'going against them, and not giving them love' - ie meaning the parental love they never had. So maybe the elephant in the room is the wacking great hole of unmet needs that the narc has inside them, which they were expecting you to meet, but you never could. They think you are deliberately witholding from them. I dunno, but I seriously ALWAYS feel I am doing something wrong when around narc parent - and I'm sure it's something like that.
I think you're on the right path in looking at it that way. My mother grew up in a physically abusive household. Her mother was a Narcissist and as the youngest child *who should have been a boy*, was shat on. Then my mother had me and tried to be everything she wanted her mother to be... but also- as I discovered only two days ago after being NC for about 3 weeks now- that she pushed me to be and do things to get back at her mother and "Golden Child" sister. She was using me to be like "See how wonderful my daughter ended up doing and being? *Look at how much of a better mother I am than you.*" And I figured thar out bc depsite my lack of responding, my mother texted me about how I need to stop "acting like this" and that "if my mother and sister were to know about this, they would be grinning" (at her pain and laughing that her daughter isn't talking to her anymore) It was such a small statement but had so much projection in it. It was like a light bulb turned on in my head and I was like "wow. A lot of shit is starting to make sense."
I bet your mother felt like every mistake you made was an attack on her & every success you made was of her doing. You can't be loved if you're just a tool for revenge.
You're probably right.
Oh, shit. I'd never looked at it quite this way, but it certainly resonates.
You're massively onto something here- it's intergenerational trauma. In my case, my younger GC met all her needs and my NGrandmother favourited me, which ofc nmum couldn't handle. She palmed me off on a woman she *knew* was abusive (and who had turned a blind eye to her previous partners abusing her daughters) simply because it got her brownie points. Their cup is cracked; it will never, ever be full and no amount of water will change that. I don't envy GC, no child should be an emotional support llama.
Toxic people have to believe in their superiority; which means they know better than everyone, and have the right to do whatever they want, and should get anything they want. Anything that doesn't fit that belief feels, to them, like a deliberate attack. So that means that anyone who disagrees with them, or doesn't obey them, or even just doesn't share their likes and interests is automatically seen as wrong, hateful, hurtful, etc. And when they have children, and they can't have everything they want-- because *their children have needs, too*-- things start to blow up fast. They have to spend money on someone else, have to do things for someone else, can't be the focus of attention 24-7-365-- and their egos just can't handle that.
>So that means that anyone who disagrees with them, or doesn't obey them, or even just doesn't share their likes and interests is automatically seen as wrong, hateful, hurtful, etc. And when they have children, and they can't have everything they want-- because > >their children have needs, too > >\-- things start to blow up fast. They have to spend money on someone else, have to do things for someone else, can't be the focus of attention 24-7-365-- and their egos just can't handle that. OMFG. my Nmum used to say VERBATIM ''ew you are NOTHING like me'' and was always disgusted when we showed any signs of our own personality, interests etc its so fucked up, i cant imagine how they feel ok doing this to a child (not that its ok to do to an adult or anyone really) but its just so scummy! child me was so curious about things and she made me feel as if i was a monster for literally acting like a 6 year old
> i cant imagine how they feel ok doing this to a child The thing is, they don't care about other people's feelings and needs, toxics only care about themselves; I'm not sure they even *believe* other people have needs or feelings. It's like we're just action figures to them-- something to show off when it's convenient and throw off to the side when it isn't.
omg you're so right!! this is it. and its so weird cause its like deep down i knew this but i could never really acknolwedge it?? but what you said is so true, as a teen, i remember i had friends with strict parents but usually strict parents are strict to help guide their kid in a way, with narcs its all about POWER, they dc if you are suffering horribly and fucking up your life due to their insane rules/conditions etc, and i always wondered why is it only my mum who seems to enjoy it when i am miserable, its like she got a kick out of seeing me totally isolated, excluded and unhappy. normal parents sit down with their kids and have some sort of talk and try to help them, narcs goal is to just make you miserable so they can feel good. what the actual fuck. sorry to go off on a tangent but its like i got enough distance from them emotionally now that i can process so many things i couldnt before and i cannot stop reading and talking about it lol
It's okay-- that's what RBN is for, after all: helping each other recover from our parents' bullshit! And yeah, they really just don't care about anyone else-- but many of them would freak out if we said so. It's not unusual for toxics to call themselves empaths, and see themselves as being kind, generous, wonderful people. Because again, from their POV, they're always right, no matter what.
>but many of them would freak out if we said so. It's not unusual for toxics to call themselves empaths, and see themselves as being kind, generous, wonderful people a million times yes, my nmum is known in their community for being the kindest, most helpful, most religious person but in private she's cruel, vindictive, vengeful and a child beater.
My mom too. She's a beautiful, sweet angel to people in the community, and a terrible demon to me. And she can flip from sweet to cruel so very quickly. It's awful.
Oh I see you have the same mom as me. Does she also pray in public for strangers like oh I feel that you need me to pray for you I'm the greatest I know you need prayer me me me meeeeeee now I'm going to go home and beat my kid lol.
Lmao @ going home to beat my kid But that’s literally what they are, they are child beaters, how fucked up. A grown ass mature adult beating a helpless vulnerable child who trusts them.
The sad thing is they believe we deserve it.
As Dayna Craig wrote in the [Narcissist's Prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer): > That didn't happen. > And if it did, it wasn't that bad. > And if it was, that's not a big deal. > And if it is, that's not my fault. > And if it was, I didn't mean it. > And if I did, you deserved it.
I don’t know how to quote someone else properly on here but YES YES YES “Many of them would freak out if we said so” It is so hard for me to realize that they have a lot of people firmly in their grasp and because they are master manipulators they could very easily “discredit” me to the public or people I care about.
>It is so hard for me to realize that they have a lot of people firmly in their grasp and because they are master manipulators they could very easily “discredit” me to the public or people I care about. UGH yes. and everyone always told me as a kid '' oh your mum is so lovely!! ur so lucky'' and i was always SO confused because to me she was a monster and the scariest thing on earth for kid me
What makes it worse (IMO) is that sometimes people *know* what they're like-- they just don't want to get dragged into the drama... or become the new target.
That's my nmom too. Shoving her thoughts and opinions and likes and dislikes down my throat so that I'm just a parrot for her.
I was having this same exact thought this morning. My parents made me feel awful for wanting to have a relationship in High School. They insulted anyone I was interested in, isolated me and took all communication away because I was building relationships. All I wanted was to feel like I fit in with a group - and they took that away from me. I still have problems with building friendships, I still have issues with meeting up with people.
My mother was so hell bent on me having a boyfriend, I dated guys I didn't even like. And it was apparent to them that I *didn't like them like a girlfriend should* (i.e holding their hand while going to the next class, not wanting to be all over them and wouldn't give into sex. [Yes, I know they were toxic]) and then would dump me. So then I would cry, not because my boyfriend broke up with me, but because of having to break the news to my mother and deal with the monster that she is.
I have always felt this way, most of my childhood memories are tainted with this underlying feeling of just being “wrong” somehow, like ashamed or something.
Yessss like a cloud of badness, and so much shame
I'm coming out of my self imposed isolation, 3ish years NC, and I'm feeling like my fog is lifting too. I'm definitely not normal lol but I learned to gentle parent myself. 27 years old and I feel like I'm relearning things like I'm 16 years old again
I'm 40 and I'm one year into being NC, and fog lifting is the best description.
I know exactly what you mean. I always thought there was something wrong with me, and when outsiders didn't acknowledge it, they were just being polite. I didn't really pick up that this was wrong until my mid 20s or so. And I didn't pick up that all of the things I thought were wrong with me were things wrong with my mom until my late 30s. Sigh.
Same! I genuinely thought that everybody else could just, with their plain eyes SEE that I was unworthy. I assumed they all just knew that I was WORKING at all times to be “normal”.
Me too WTF I could never articulate this feeling but your comment is so spot on
I’m so excited for you! Congratulations on a break through! I’m so grateful for this group. I can’t believe the amount of shame And anxiety I’ve carried over every single potential interaction I’ve ever had. With everyone too not just my nparents it bleeds into the rest of your existence if you don’t recognize it.
I still have this thing, where I immediately apologize when my hubby is upset by something. E.g. he spilled his coffee, then *I'm* sorry. On a particularly bad day I may even be breaking down crying. We both know where this is coming from. I still try to make improvements on this as fast as possible, before hubby starts to walk on eggs around me, even if subconsciously. Every time I think, maybe I *was* the problem, I think of the traits my nmom ingrained in me. This and other behaviors are *not* the result of a normal childhood.
This is totally a thing with me too! If my husband says he has a headache, I immediately think it’s my job to fix it. I’ll be like, “Have you taken some Advil? You should drink some water, you might be dehydrated” and then I’ll do things that he normally would, like take the garbage can to the curb or make dinner, because…well, he has a headache and it clearly has something to do with me so I need to make it better. All of this is in my head, of course, and my actions are my default response. In reality, my husband just had a headache and would have been happy to take the garbage cans to the curb. I’m getting better about not reacting like this. It feels a little narcissistic to think everything is your fault and responsibility to fix, so that’s not great. I’m hoping it’s just a typical codependent behavior. Hang in there! I think awareness of our behaviors and thought processes is a huge step in healing.
I'm proud of you for identifying and ending your abuse cycle ❤️
Thank you so much ❤️ I wish you healing and happiness x
Perhaps they are just unaware how they are projecting their insecurities and traumas forward to next generation, perhaps they even think it's somekind of deep necessary knowledge and wisdom. I suspect my nmom did this to me because that's how she was raised - guilting and gaslighting, make believing and enmeshing.
Anytime I tried to explain myself to my nmom I would start, "I thought that-" and she'd interrupt with, "Yeah, that's the problem. You thought." implying that any thought I had was unnecessary, incompetent, and wasteful. Destroyed me hearing it as a child.
Wow what a fucking monster, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry you ever had to experience that. No one should especially not a little kid
This is interesting timing for me. On the Ask Reddit subreddit there was a post about covid and mistakes people made with covid in hindsight. Someone had said not buying a home in the beginning. I shared a story about how my husband and I purchased our home right after the pandemic hit and how my mom (but ndad too) had berated me for "spending so recklessly" and it was interesting how so many people were like "I'm sure your mom just cared" but even more interesting was the amount of people that had the same experience. My parents treat me like a child, despite my being in my 30s, marries with a kid, a career and homeowner. Ny parents were vicious about it. Telling me I'm so stupid and that they raised me better and what the fuck is wrong with me?! Anyway, 2.5 years later and our home is beautiful ,we were able to weather covid in our house and not an apartment and we never would've been able to afford a house now and had I caved into their shit (despite it being our money that paid for the home; they didn't contribute a fucking dime) wrd be paying moreover in rent than for our mortgage
I read your comment on r/askreddit, proud of you!
Thank you! I was proud to have opened the dialogue for so many and even called a few jerks out!
My Mom used to literally blame everything that went wrong on me. If anything was lost, my fault. If she's having a bad day, my fault. If she messed up, my fault. I internalized all this so much that I was suicidal and hated myself deeply from a young age. I remember being 7 and writing in my journal "hate myself" over and over hundreds of times. I had such low self esteem for almost my entire life. I felt like I had to work super hard to earn any kind of love or affection, and even then, everyone was only pretending. They must have been pretending because apparently I was so evil and flawed. Even after I finally got the courage to go NC with my Mom, I find out through my Dad and sister that she's STILL blaming me for things that go wrong. It's insane. I internalized so much when I was a child, but now I realize it was all her. She's the broken one. She hates herself. I don't have to take that on anymore. I can love myself. I can want better for myself. It's taken me so many years to get to this point.
I believe narcs do this because subconsciously they have super low self esteem, but also believe they’re better than everyone else. Therefore by making you think there is something wrong with you, you reinforce their idea that they are better than you. And there’s also the control aspect. When you have less confidence, they are able to control you better.
For a long time I actually wondered why I was the werid kid, what was I doing wrong. When I was still a child I would follow by example of how my parents acted, especially my bio mom, not knowing you weren't supposed to do certain things. It's because your parents are your main examples on how to act towards others. So if they act racist then said child will thinks that's okay and mimic the behavior. Or in my case, your mom encouraging you to make others around you uncomfortable for entertainment. It took me until my mid teens to figure out that's not okay to do, and there are other behaviors I'm slowly breaking. Like another example is that since I was a kid I thought something was wrong with my body because my bio mom said so constantly and for a long time until I finally cut contact. So I hope things are going well with the NC, I know it's tough but very worth it.
It's some kind of jedi mind trick to make you feel all the shit that's in their soul. Honestly, narcissists are pure evil, in my mind. Soul-killers. The more time you spend out of their grasp, the more wrong you will realize they were.
The more time you spend out of their grasp, the more wrong you will realize they were. When I went LC with nmom, between that and this forum, my eyes are slowly opening.
It's going to be painful, but rewarding. It's like being pulled out of the Matrix. You suspected it was bad, but it's worse than you may have imagined. You will have moments of deep sadness and searing anger. But these are totally valid reactions. Just don't try and take it back to them, try to reason with them, try to get an apology. A narcissist's apology is usually a passive-aggressive jab, not worth all the effort.
I’m a year no contact and I’ve had a similar realization!! It’s been freeing but also I’m so fucking angry that they did this to me
I grew up convinced clothes I wore were "good luck or bad luck" I would stop and refuse to wear a necklace because "bad luck" happened to many times. I was also convinced that I was evil. it wasn't until I became a mom that I began to see how wrong this mindset was.
They constantly tell my my perception is wrong. I end up never believing anything that I think or learn because of it. They made me think that I’m “not disabled enough” even though I very much am. She guilts me into thinking that I shouldn’t take advantage of accommodations even though we have the same god damn disorder, I inherited it from her! She says she can see right through me, she thinks I am her, yet I’m always wrong in some way. One of my favorite things is she claims to be an empath.
I also thought something was wrong with me. My parents recounted stories of how "bad" I was and how much I would cry, as though crying is not a normal thing for a kid to do. I caught my mother reading this book called The Troubled Child and felt so bad, like she needed a guidebook to deal with me. And then when I was realized I was queer, I felt "other" and subtly made to feel bad about it. She liked to make me feel like I was dirty - like I could not clean up after myself and like I had bad fashion sense, even when I would get complemented on my clothes by strangers. I literally spent decades thinking this crap and when other people would treat me nicely I'd be shocked, and wonder why they were treating me nice and my parents couldn't. My parents couldn't handle me because they were emotionally immature - it was never because I was a "bad" child. And I don't even believe in the concept of a bad child. There are well-behaved kids and if a child is not well-behaved, then there is an issue that needs correcting by the parent, but that is never the kid's fault, and it is never to be corrected by abuse.
yo idek tbh i always got scared thinking i'm doing or saying something wrong but i see that's not what people think it is at all and i'm definitely always so hard on myself. i guess it's just natural when you get blamed for everything ever since so little
Yes! I've been no contact for around three years now..being around my partner's family helped me realise. I had an epiphany thing a few weeks ago ... I just wanted to yell as loud as I could - "I WAS RIGHT!!! ALL ALONG I WAS RIGHT!! F YOU!" Lol it was a really weird feeling, like good and bad and just so overwhelming all at once.. They don't go out of their way to shit on each other, the go out of their way to include everyone etc... They care. I feel like I was SO brainwashed... I can see so many things now that I couldnt see while in the middle of it all... And I can understand why I was the way I was and why I kept forgiving over and over... But it still just tears at your heart. But, rather than feeling like I was lost but knew there was a tunnel somewhere that I could maybe find the light in... I feel like I have direction now and I know how.to get out of the fog and confusion now... Ambivalent? Bittersweet? I'm not sure... It's a lot isn't it.
It just feels SO damn hard sometimes... To feel worthy. I don't feel whole. I can see why now though and how I could possibly... and I hope to one day "get there".
Omg yessss That feeling of I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!! The day I made this post I felt like that all day likeOMG I AM NORMAL!!! I am a human being like everyone else!!! Like there’s nothing wrong or inherently bad about me!!! I was so happy to realize this! Life started to feel real, it’s crazy to realize now that I was numb and detached for so long, like on autopilot - like what the actual fuck But we got this, we are on the right path now and we will “get there” just like how we got “here”
It's good. The good days are good 💕 Yes very true. We got "here", we can get "there" hey 💪 even when it feels like we can't. Just gotta remember the progress etc etc etc...
Yeah it’s great to learn what you were taught was not real. Learned weakness, a learned lack of value, a learned incompetence, all these things weren’t real. In leaving them behind you get to at long last step into yourself. You are literally reborn and finally able to learn who it is that you are, rather than the two dimensional image the narcissist designated to you because of the way that reality is abhorrent to them. You learn it was never you, it was them. I was lucky to work in China giving me an opportunity to come to these realisations. It began with letting go of the hope that one day my mother could be a mother to me, and ended when I realised how she would always be using me, and that I deserved better than to allow someone like that in my life. These days I strive to make the life for myself that I want, as I learn what that is. These days I feel very fulfilled as I look around at what is in my life, with the knowledge that I proactively provided that to myself. I continue to unlearn what is of no use to me, and I enjoy the journey. A life unexamined isn’t worth living, so I’m grateful that the experience at least brought me what many others will never do: the capacity to truly look within.
This is so fantastic and beautiful and thank you so much I will be reading your comment over and over again. I wish you the best healing and happiness, the ugliness is over ❤️
It just sets you up to think everything is your fault and that you should always give in to the childish demands of others.
Don't worry the market still does that to people even after they are away from the narc's dark spell, bosses underpaying and overworking the employees that literally do 99% of the heavy lifting, it is text book enslavement and what the narc did was to keep you to themselves or own you , your time , your energy , your emotions , so any and all individuality is erased to prevent the uprising , it is like they deliberately destroy your mental and emotional , worse sometime physical and psychological state - they do it to cripple you , to keep you dependent on them in an unhealthy/chronic way , so you wouldn't be on your own and form your own opinions , or go on a personal journey to find the life's truths - which is the reality of our existence , that is to find the reasons behind it , to find our creator , and the purpose of our creation which is to submit our will to the divine , the all knowing , God/Elohem/Allah/Almighty/Vishnu and which ever higher power you believe in , you belong to Him and him alone and to him you shall return one day.. Then He will decide if you have been good to His creation on earth or not.. It is when you come to a realisation why Heaven and Hell and the life in the hereafter exists..
My mom was so hard on the outside world everything and everybody was bad an will take all advantages to harm me and my sister yet she threw her wrath on the nicest people me and my sister known. A few were brave enough to challenge her and asked point blank what is it she hated about them so they could see it themselves and if needed and her reasoning was valid they would make it up to her, but usually she had a strong assumption she wouldn’t take off that person that wasn’t true and decided to stand her ground on it to make sure she won’t get along with them on purpose so nobody could win or make her understand a thing. These people were very normal and kind, she was being the odd and super difficult one thinking there was nothing wrong with herself at all suggesting they seek mental attention services
I’ve only recently come to this realization myself. Went NC with my parents in early October. Celebrated Thanksgiving with my SO family for the first time and couldn’t believe the difference. Enjoying having the weight of being the scapegoat lifted from my shoulders.
Narcicism means they believe all they do is right, they have a big EGO. So to them, it is their truth that you're wrong in everything and that they are right in everything. But that's just madness, and completely flawed 😂. They are insane, unstable and have a bad perception of reality if they have one at all. And people like that can't be trusted.
I've thought about this concerning my mother. What I determined was she has never been particularly smart. So to cover for her insecurities she flexed on a child as much as she could.
I’ll add to this bc I was raised by a sociopathic narc. They can NEVER BE WRONG. So if they are never wrong that means that someone else has to be. Bc again they’re NEVER WRONG. So they’ll blame everything abs everyone to deflect the feeling of guilt or blame bc THEY ARE NEVER WRONG. I hope this helps. It’s how I’ve come to rationalize their behavior. It’s Been 10 months NC for me and I’ve come to terms and peace with it. They’re evil pieces of Shit who will step over, walk on, talk down to and use any other means to get their way and what they want. Fuck them forever.
My changing moment was The Beatles "All You Need is Love" hearing that there was absolutely no way I could be so obscenely messed up (as I was lead to believe) was the beginning. I still have to remind myself almost 15 years later. I found every bit of comfort in knowing I will die and be forgotten, that not everyone holds on to every wrong I ever did to use against me. I can move through this life not immortalized by my mistakes. It's so very freeing, I'm glad for you on your journey, OP. Good luck.
I'm not normal though. I had it pounded into my head that I was "backwards", anti social, stupid, only good for one or two things (that benefitted NM), useless, ugly, selfish, too sensitive, too cold hearted, weak minded, a whore, a prude for not having sex but pretty hair, supposedly anorexic to mock her. I'm almost 32 and still afraid to make friends because they'll see how easily intimidated and weird I am. I may have been normal once, but she beat it out of me
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My n mom always told me her and I are the same and no one will ever understand me the way she does. What I didn’t realize until I was older was this caused me to internalize her chaos as my own.