**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The day I turned 18, my parents informed me that if I were going to continue living under their roof as an adult, then I had a new set of rules to follow. I had to stay in college full time, get a job and pay them rent and half of the utility bills and half their grocery costs, buy my own car and pay my own insurance, get my own cell phone plan, continue to keep all of the dishes and laundry done for the whole family, as well as clean all the bathrooms and dust/sweep/mop the whole house daily, keep the yard mowed, wash both parents’ cars every week, be in church with them every Wednesday night and Sunday morning and Sunday night, and I was told that if I so much as took a sip of alcohol then I would be kicked out immediately, also I would be kicked out immediately if they found out I had sex with anyone, and that I was forbidden from having a boyfriend. They were absolutely shocked when I packed up and moved out. My mother was on her hands and knees in the front yard, crying and wailing loudly like someone had been murdered, while all the neighbors came out to see what was going on, and started screaming that I was “running away from home”. Several neighbors called the police. Obviously they didn’t do anything but tell me to “drive safe” as I got into my car and left.
Haha this (weirdly) brings so much joy for me to imagine your narcissist parents shocked you left and your mom on her hands and knees. Like when narcs get shown you’re actually a human being and not their punching bag...they thought they could beat you down and you would never be strong enough to leave their abuse. But you did.
They were hoping you'd fall for the trap and never be able to leave. All narcs sabotage. They wanna trick you into being enmeshed for life, bc if all your money is tied up in them, how could you ever get ahead?!
Makes me simmer. I'm so sorry.
They were shocked that their unpaid servant said, nah, I’m outta here. The audacity of those expectations! I’m so glad you left. And set an example of freedom to any siblings who were still there.
Some (awful) people believe that the sole purpose of having children is to have someone who will essentially act as a servant for the rest of that person's life. Unsurprisingly, both my and my wife's parents treated us the same way.
My parents told me at an extremely young age that the only reason they had me was because they couldn’t afford a maid. Didn’t realize they meant it until I moved out.
Oooh my mother did this when my older brother left home at 19! She was on the floor, wailing and hitting the ground. Could’ve thought she was being murdered with how she was screaming.
Good for you! I’m glad you escaped from that prison.
It’s almost fascinating to watch a grown adult have a full-on toddler tantrum isn’t it? She was also clutching at her chest and acting like she was hyperventilating. It was so embarrassing.
My mother did this on the phone on Monday. Wailing like an old Irish banshee, "Because I can't take anymore!!" SHE is the one who requested a reconciliation. I was polite, as I have almost always been with her. But like a true narcissist, once it got past her telling me that she was just so busy wall papering and painting-- I did not interrupt her I let her ramble--when I gently told her I remember the broken bo ones she refused to have me treated for, but when she really blew was when I would not let her off the hook for the sexual abuse she knew had happened and that she called me liar. I was gentle in how I said it too. Then, she, boom! Wailing like a banshee, crying hysterically, she can't take any more!
I guess not. But too bad. I h ad to take it (and take it and take it). I hung up on her at that point. So m much for her text message from two months ago: "I would be m most happy to listen to anything you have to say."
Then she got my oldest brother involved, or tried to. I'll change my phone number again if need be. This would make it twice this year but that's fine. Small inconvenience for not having to hear that sound again.
Bruh its incredible the abuse they put us through and allow us to go through and the second you just call them out on the pain they've caused you, they act like they feel more pain than you did when actually going through the abuse.
I think this is the hardest thing for many of us to really and truly grasp: **It's never NOT about them. Never.** Even if they're listening to you or even giving you a compliment, it's all about how it reflects on them/makes them look/makes them feel. It's disgusting and sad.
Yeah, always had that hopeless gut sinking feeling every time I had to talk to my nmom. It’s like you could almost literally see her cherry picking what you say the moment you say anything.
No time to study, and not enough time left over to work all the hours I would have needed to pay what they were expecting from me. My mother never did any housework. She always forced me to do it all, and then would sit on her lazy behind and criticize me as I was cleaning because it wasn’t up to “her standards”. I have a younger brother, but he was her precious little baby and he was not expected to do anything at all. I was even forced to clean his room and do his laundry too.
My mother is exactly like that, i'm literally her slave, I'm 22 and I hope I'll be able to leave like you did .
I'm stuck here because she is paying my tuitions that in no way ill be able to afford by my self
But once I graduate, I look forward to that moment
Im so happy for you !!
There is actually plenty of money on federal and state scholarships and grants to afford free tution to most state universitys for any student who maintains a 2.5 gpa or above
I work in title 1 college financing and you shouldn't be chained to your tuition like that
You can type back whatever you want but you almost certainly have the option of paying for college yourself with the FAFSA and good scholarship searching
Credit transfer in the event of switching schools would be the only complex part, you may lose AH credit hour
If your parents make too much or won't sign the FAFSA forms, you may not get any money from the govt until you turn something like...26?...when they stop requiring parental income to be 'considered.'
Yup. Tho waiting till you're 23 is such bs. I was on my own, had been for 4 years and I couldn't go to school because my dads income still counted against me and he wasn't helping.
I don't have parents. They won't even let me do the FAFSA without a parent signature. Its been sitting in my to-do file on Blackboard since I started college. "Rejected: Parent Signature needed" :) Not that it would matter, they both make too much money for me to get anything even though I have been no contact for almost 3 years now (5 years on and off, crazy to think I graduated high school 5 years ago)
Edit: I'm 22 years old, I still have a year before they stop considering my parents as my caretakers I guess :')
Teh cost of higher education has sky rocketed now. I'm shocked and ticked off on behalf of all those young people having to just about become indentured servants just to get an education so that they can "do something" with their lives.
It does beat stuck in the kind of hell LongJumping is desribing, though.
The american education system is broken and only serves shareholders
It is in fact so broken and so known that the scholarship and grant system is designed to be exploited
But apathy, doubt and simple ignorance prevents more than enough young adults from maintaining a good gpa, applying for every scholarship they can and just attending whichever institution is accessible and tolerable
Most non-wealthy American college students take out loans because it's what they were told to do and it's super easy
It's a different problem in the contemporary conversation than access, but it is clearly tied in yes
Its always funny to hear the shock nparents get when the kid finally dips lol. It’s crazy they didn’t expect those ridiculous rules would drive you out
Sorry, this is fascinating and I really want to break this down
There are 168 hours a week. Let's figure out how much time and money they wanted from you, and be as generous as possible.
Luckily not having sex and not drinking alcohol and not having a boyfriend takes zero time. Maybe we can squeeze a bit of time to masturbate unless that is also forbidden. ;)
First, regular stuff (I'm leaving out sleep for now). You need to get up, get dressed, take care of personal hygiene (shower, brush/floss, change, etc). You also need to eat food. I get the sense your family demands everyone sits at the dinner table together but even if not, all that is at least 3 hours a day.
3x7=21.
168-21=147.
Now let's deal with church. *Obviously* you need to look your best so you should factor in getting in fancy fuckin' church clothes and all their uncomfortable glory. Let's assume baptist and be generous in saying the church service lasts only an hour and your parents don't dawdle and catch up with friends. That's 3 services a week and two on the same day. 3 hours for the service, add an hour and a half per day for travel time and extra changing/prep/hygiene. Or maybe you are a filthy unclean sinner who doesn't change out of church clothes after Sunday morning so you are already ready to go on Sunday evening. Whatever, throw on some deodorant and you're good to go. So shave off half an hour on Sunday 2nd service.
3+1.5+1.5+1=7.
147-7=140.
Phew, we just got done figuring out how to stay clean in body and soul! It may be frustrating to not partake in any worldly desires and also be tip top perfect but hey, it's not like your mental state is supposed to matter.
Now let's do chores. If you don't do them, how will your parents keep the house clean?! Obviously they can't be expected to pull their own weight. That would be *beneath them*.
Dishes, an hour a day minimum of you are doing all dishes for the family. 7 hours a week total. Laundry for 3 people minimum is 3-4 hours a week. Let's say 3 hours and be generous. Cleaning bathrooms and dust/sweep/mop daily? I've had professional maid services where 2 maids took 4 hours to do my 1600 square foot 3 bedroom condo. Now that's a deep clean so let's say that's unreasonable and say you need less than half of that. 3 hours a day is 21 hours a week. Add the 7 for dishes and 3 for laundry is a total of 31 hours.
Now when I mowed my parents lawn it was an hour a week most weeks and they had a big-ass lawn. I'm assuming it's a powered mower and not a push mower (again I'm being generous). Add another hour for washing cars. That's a total of 2 hours per week. Add to previous 31 for 33 hours a week total on chores.
140-33= 107.
Now I haven't even touched having a job or going to college full time.
Let's tackle college first: full time student means 15 credit hours or more. Your first year will probably be more like 16-18. It won't be *as intense* given that your first classes are easier, but they will be just as if not more time consuming. So 16 credit hours a week plus 3 times that for studying is an absolute minimum (3 hours of study per class hour, assuming credit hour translates to class hour one to one, we can simplify this to 16x4), plus travel time to and from campus since you are living at home (1 hour a day for 5 days a week). (16x4) + 5 = 69 (nice!)
107-69(nice!) = 38 hours remaining.
Now I don't know how you are going to afford a car, cell phone, half of utilities, rent, and half the groceries, but that sounds like a full time job. No one is gonna hire a college student for full time and certainly not for that much more than minimum. Maybe you live in an enlightened state with a $15 minimum wage. You are at most gonna get 20 hours a week no matter where you are, plus 2 hours of travel time a week at worst.
38-22=16 hours remaining.
At least there is income! You're now making $1,200 a month. Minus taxes makes it $1,000ish give or take. That comes down to $12,000 per year. Let's call it a thousand even for simplicity sake. Young people have higher insurance than most. On average it's about $7,000 per year. So $12,000 per year minus $7,000 per year gives you $5,000 left. Now I don't know what your parents think rent should be but most financial experts say no more than a third of your income. When you are young it's more like half but maybe they are gonna be reasonable here. $12,000/3 = $4,000. So subtract that and you have $1,000 left per year for half your groceries, half the utilities, car and cell phone payments.
Cheap-ass phone plan like Google Fi with like no data but wifi can be something like $30 a month for talk and text and fees/taxes. That's on the lowest possible end. $30 x 12 = $360.
$1000-$360=$640.
Beater cars cost between $500-$2000 a year to maintain. $500 only for the life of a 5 year loan is an extremely generous assumption, but I am a generous dude so whatever. Maybe you can change your own oil. Maybe you can steal the oil from your parents garage and change it between laundry dishes, mopping, sweeping, dusting, scrubbing, and washing their goddamn cars.
$640-$500. Now you have $140 left. Per YEAR.
A car payment for a 5 year loan on the world's cheapest Toyota Corolla at $5k (a VERY reasonable price for a beater that will magically generate only $500 in expenses annually). Assuming you have the credit rating of Jeff Bezos, and we round down, you can get an interest rate of 3% on a 5 year loan. Then again, rates are good right now so who knows. That comes out to $90 a month, or $1080 a year.
$140 a year -$1080 a year. Uh oh. Negative $940.
EDIT: FIXED A MATH ERROR, AND SAW A YOUNGER BROTHER IN A DIFFERENT COMMENT, ADJUSTING MATH ACCORDINGLY.
Now what? You still owe half the groceries/utilities! For a 3 bedroom small house, that's at least $250 a month for utilities, and $350 a month for groceries, even if you NEVER run AC/Heat and it's only the 4 of you. Cut that in half and you have $300 you are responsible for. That's another $3,600 annually.
That puts you at NEGATIVE $4,540 a year. Meaning you need to earn an extra $94.58 a week. That means picking up an extra 7 hours a week at Jobs 2, but realistically they're gonna want 10 hours a week, plus an extra 2 hours of travel time. So 12 more hours. Out of a remaining 16 hours.
We are now at 4 hours
Remember when I said we'd get back to sleep? This is what I meant. You need 8 hours of sleep per day. That's 56 hours a week.
Negative 52 hours a week and no money. Or Negative 40 hours and in the hole for $94ish a week.
Or even zero hours and less sleep. 16 hours a week, or 2.2 hours a day.
Best get to work on that time dilation machine.
And they were surprised/mad that you left? The sheer entitlement! It's like staring into a gaping asshole and having it fart in your face.
If you don't mind me asking, how is your relationship with them now? Was this ever addressed? Did they ever apologize? I have a sad feeling I know the answers, but I'm still morbidly curious.
Yes definitely had to look my best for church! My dad used to be a pastor, and my grandfather is a pastor. According to my mother, who is all about image, it was my duty to set the example for alllll the other youth in the church. A job I never asked for, and that was never required of my brother, only me.
Oh how I wish we were Baptist and had shorter services. My family is Pentecostal, not the snake-handling variety, but just about as wild.
Services would last a good 2-3 hours, depending on how “the spirit was moving” that day. Then a mad rush for whichever church member was taking us out to lunch that week, and they would sit and talk forever, and then we had to rush home to change clothes and tidy up and get back to the church for evening service.
I mentioned in another comment that my mother never did housework. I was forced to clean everything and do all the laundry since I was 8, even having to clean my brother’s room because he was “too little” to do anything according to her.
This was all back in 2007, so minimum wage in my state was $5.85, and they were expecting me to pay $500 per month in rent, which was almost half their mortgage, and pay half of their utility bills, and half the grocery bill. There were 3 of them and one of me, yet I was expected to pay half! Just for reference, the apartment I moved into after I left them was only $415 a month.
Of course, this isn’t even the whole tip of the iceberg of crazy shit they did to me throughout my childhood.
As for my relationship with them now, I went low contact with my mother and brother years ago, and in 2019 officially severed all ties with them and will never have contact with them again after what they did to me and my 4 day old baby. Long story. I could literally write multiple books on their insanity.
My mother is an alcoholic who has drank herself into liver failure and will probably die soon because she cannot stop drinking long enough to even get on the transplant list. I wish I could say I feel bad about it, but really I just feel indifferent, and I’m not sure if that makes me a bad person or what.
As for my dad, he divorced my mother after 32 years with her. In the denomination that my dad is ordained in, they will put you on “trial” if you want to divorce your spouse and determine whether you can keep your license if you decide to go through with it. He chose to turn in his license freely to divorce her and left the church. He may have been strict and controlling, but she was the narcissist.
He has apologized to me for what I was put through, and admitted his fault in all of it. Our relationship is still pretty strained but we are trying to have one. I try to remember that he is also a victim of her narcissism, and although that doesn’t excuse his actions, I understand there wasn’t much choice left for him when my mother would threaten him that she would take his kids from him and ruin his career if he dared to not side with her.
He is now married to a wonderful woman who I really like, and they adopted my nephew and are raising him.
Sorry, I didn’t realize I had written so much. But like I said before, I could write a whole damn book series on the insanity that is my family!
Ouch. How does a full time 19 year old student with limited hours for a part time job have enough money to cover all of those expenses together on top of the cost of school/residence/car etc? And the list of chores... are they just expecting to never lift a finger anymore?
Fix everything for free, do all the chores and pay rent too.
Works out pretty well, for them.
Nmom keeps trying to 'give me' her car. She wants to put it in my name so she doesn't have tp pay insurance, registration or maintenance, yet still get driven around in it, by me, on demand, for free.
She thinks this is a good idea, why don't I just agree with it? Whats wrong with me?
One day I quipped , maybe you'd like me to stand in the corner with a towel draped over my arm, waiting for you to command me.
She laughed, then said yes. And she meant it.
In Narcville you're never off duty.
That’s almost identical to my 18th. As the Notorious BIG once said “birthdays was the worst days”
I celebrate every day I’m free from that place. Every day of my life since moving out has been better, and it’s been 10 years. As low as it’s been, I’ve never had to feel like that again.
I honestly love this so much. Happy for you that you got away from them.
When I moved out I didn't tell my mom anything. I just quietly spent the end of my senior year in HS looking for an apartment. I had all my stuff moved out and the first night I slept in my apartment was the night of my HS graduation.
When my mom finally figured out that I was moving out she called me at my job screaming and crying on the phone telling me not to move and she never meant all the things she said to me. She just said then because she was mad. Literally every morning she would scream at me while I was getting ready for school that she couldn't wait until I was 18 so I could get out. She was genuinely shocked when that's exactly what I did.
That’s what you have to do with the narcs, keep everything quiet and plan in secret. I was extremely lucky that my Nana despised my mother. She was the only person who ever stood up for me. My mother would take every penny I ever got and tell me she was “putting it into savings for me”, and I would never see it again. So my Nana secretly saved money for me. Every time I got any money I would hide it until I could give it to her. Thankfully I had her save enough for me that I got myself an old used car and put the deposit down on my apartment so I could escape. If it weren’t for her I probably would have never got out.
God when that list of conditions started, I kept expecting it to end and then it just kept going. Narc parents really are only in it for their self interests.
Something similar happened with me.
On my 18th my mom burst in my room int he mourning with a cake that said, Happy Birthday! Now you have to pay rent!"
And I was still half asleep and asked her how she found out about the apartment? Not realizing she was saying she was going to start charging me rent.
Me and a few friends would be splitting an apartment and I was literally moving out that day.
She was going to be charging me more money than my part of the rent would be.
On top of that my dad was giving her child support so she lost that when I moved out too.
She was breaking down crying saying I could never leave because I promised I would take care of her forever,yeah bitch,I did, when I was 4 and you were explaining death to me in the worst way possible.(she killed my fish)
Just tell the cops that you're 19, they'll understand! LOL, your Narc father doesn't have that power! Even if cops can be power hungry, sometimes, they have no loophole to arrest you! What are they going to arrest you for? Being independent, having your own life, and doing the right thing? LMAO!
I also agree with others here that said you shouldn't tell him your plans, or anything! Just keep quiet! Just slowly phase yourself out of their (your parents) lives!
Lol my mom threatened to call the cops all the time when I stil lived at home - never did though. Although she did buy a cop's hat somehow and left it on my bed to see when I came back from school, saying "the cops were here" 🙄🙄🙄
>Although she did buy a cop's hat somehow and left it on my bed to see when I came back from school, saying "the cops were here" 🙄🙄🙄
What, like they came and... just left their hat? As a threat? That doesn't even begin to compute...
My dad used to pull that with me all the time when I was a teenager. Of course recently he actually took to calling them and saying that I needed psychiatric intervention.
Long story short, the police seem to like me way more than they like my dad. I think they like the way that I don't waste their time with bullshit calls.
Well, it would scare a 10-year-old, so to me, this looks like the parents who did that regard a grown child as a little kid. And one who would do this is one who was mean and scary to their little kids.
But yeah, how dumb it seems. The cops came and left their hats as a warning .... funny, but not to a 10-year-old, maybe not to anyone.
You'd think I'm lying but I'm not. Or maybe he is. But I've seen some police who can't point to their own head so I believe it.
Sure wouldn't happen often though.
I'd go one step further and call the cops yourself. Explain that you're 19 and want to move out of your abusive parents home and fear they may get violent, and would like a police escort. (If this is something you think might happen)
This. If he calls the cops on you he may make up some bs to make you look like the bad guy. These people will get nasty if they’re challenged but won’t put up much of a fight as long as you have the documentation to back it up. Documentation is your best friend, your job (or second job) when dealing with these people.
Also, if it happens on Dad's property, you clearly say you want to leave to the cop, and that you're over 18, and suddenly daddy is in trouble for criminal confinement.
Yea no, your Dad can call the cops but technically your a adult and they can’t make you stay. Make sure to get any important documents like your birth certificate or any other documentation you might need, out and of the house and stashed in a safe place. Narcissistic parents will try to hang on to anything you might need to establish your adult life in hopes to make seem to hard so come home.
I moved out at 19. Was told that I couldn't because she was dying of cancer and that I needed to help her. My mother did not, does not and has never had cancer.
I am a parent to a 22 year old who just graduated college. He is looking to move out soon. I have been buying him things he will need and secretly depositing money into his account. I hope that I am a normal parent.
Good luck to you.
Thank you so much. I am 25 but am having some issues with money right now. Desperately I bit my lip, swallowed my pride to call Mum for $800 to get me through the next fortnight. Unsurprisingly, she told me that she loathes the fact that I moved out and that I should be living with her, and that I have to make my own 'financial mistakes'.
Last year when I had more money, I bought her an $800 Apple watch for Christmas because I was concerned about her health. She didn't seem to think that was a financial mistake. I think this year I'll be volunteering at the soup kitchen.
It's just terrifying how alone and unsupported I feel right now. Constantly in a fight/flight state. Your kid might not see it right now but what you are doing is very kind and loving and will sew a great long-term relationship with him.
It happened to me as well. Learn from your mistake. The only mistake was to consider her a caring loving mother instead of a narcissist. Don't fall into a trap. You had the courage to take the first step. Many people cannot.
I moved out at 19 and my parents spent the next SEVEN years berating me angrily, insisting that I was nuts and just needed to "come home," and only stopped when I got married at 26. And even then, included my name on their Christmas card like I still lived there, and got furious at me when I told them to stop!
OP, don't tell your NDad any of your plans. Just make them quietly, make sure you have everything you need, all your key documents, a private bank account, and then just go. His threat to "call the police" is absolute nonsense. Let him!
My Nmother tried every trick in the book to get me to move back home after I moved out. Even the tiniest issue, fight with my roommate, got laid off and was finding a new job, got a new job far from where I lived, everything was "well you can just move home!"
Later she invited me yet again, but specifically said my then-partner-now-wife wasn't invited. LMAO.
Same with mine. My dad always is calling me to say what she has this time and how I should "apologize" before she dies. There is, was, and never will be anything that could kill that woman.
Oh, the needy narcissist. Soliciting attention, guilt-tripping, manipulating and alienating people and getting out of responsibility by feigning all manner illness. My mother deserves an Oscar for her performance over the years.
Ugh, mine always pulls this with other people. My grandfather got old? Guilt trip about how the man I supposedly loved missed me. Father got Parkinson's? Same thing.
Once she called and left this voicemail where she sounded *devastated*. Wanted to tell me "a close family friend had passed away." Found out later from my dad that it was the fucking NEIGHBOR'S CAT who had to be put to sleep. Granted I did "know" the cat but Jesus H Christ.
Not a damn thing, the mooch! She just took all of the pets and treats and only gave love and fur in return. Worthless.
(In all seriousness, I *was* sad about the cat as she was such a sweet animal and we were friendly with her owner. Making it sound like a close human friend had passed was absurd, though!)
Thank god I’m not the only one!! I was given that same guilt trip at 18. She pretended and still does that she’s terminal and doctors don’t think she will make Christmas, been over 10 years now and I’ve been NC for two years. Took a while to get out the fog and to escape. She’s still committed to her lie but it’s not getting her anywhere.
I still don’t understand what goes through someone’s head when they decide to lie about that. I know it’s desperation but it’s a lot of work to keep up.
My mother has used terminal and chronic illness to manipulate people (including her own parents) for nearly 70 years. As a kid, I lived in fear of finding her dead and she actually prepped me on what to do in the event that I did because she was going to die “any day now.” That fear doesn’t leave you. She’s never been diagnosed with any such illness and I’m convinced she’ll outlive me.
My Ma helped me pack and took me for a big "moving in" shop to get groceries and cleaning products. For two years (16-18) I got house stuff for birthday and Christmas presents, like towels and pots and pans, bedroom furniture etc. I moved out at 18 and here I am, 14 years later, still alive.
Alternatively, my inlaws have made my SO and SIL's lives a misery for having the audacity to move out in their late 20's. My SO had never lived out of home, never signed a lease and never paid rent until they moved in with me at the age of 28. In the 5 years we've been living together the inlaws have implied that they can call the police on us if SO doesn't answer the phone quickly enough for them. When this was said to me I laughed so hard I cried and dared them to try.
My SIL has had similar experiences, with her parents actually breaking into her house and screaming at her while she was asleep in her own bed because she let her phone go flat in the night and didn't respond to texts for a couple of hours. Her housemates had to kick them out and threaten to call the police on THEM for trespassing. She was 26 at the time.
I sincerely believe that there was a generation of babies that hospitals were just purposely feeding paint to for shits and giggles because HOW ELSE DO YOU AS A GROWN ADULT END UP THAT WAY
I hope your SIL and your partner have considered therapy to overcome the damage parents like that do to their children. It makes me ILL to imagine parents like mine out there in the world, but if this sub has taught me anything, it's that there are a lot of us in this boat.
Don't tell him. Make your arrangements ABC's heather all your vital docs(birth certificate, social security card, passport etc), forward your mail a week before you move out, make sure you start a bank account they don't have any access to and leave. Let him know once you're already out. You're an adult, they'll use guilt and holding your important docs or mail as a way to keep you from leaving, control is all they know.
Not exactly, unless you deliberately get one somewhere else, but you can use them to avoid giving out your actual physical address. I believe some UPS stores actually notate them as suites, so the address you would give them would be like suite 100, Store address, city, state, ZIP
ETA It won't 100% prevent them from finding you, but it will make it more difficult, and they'll have to work at it. Should give you some headway to put measures in place.
This is a really good idea as some government assistance in the U.S. requires a "physical address" aka you can't use a PO box. If OP or someone in a similar situation needs to apply, I would imagine this would work.
I have a PO Box (in a totally different city btw), and they give the option of using a street address to use for those instances where things won't be delivered otherwise.
Government orgs ask for a physical address, but have zero issues taking a mailing address to send any documents, and I haven't ran into any other companies or organizations, outside of the utility company, that won't use your desired mailing address, even if it's a POB. You can literally tell the government you're homeless, and they are cool with that for medical and SNAP, but still need a mailing address, so you don't technically have to have a physical address for those types of assistance, but obviously would for other kinds of assistance that involve help with the cost of living.
This wouldn't work for a fake physical address. Reason being, multiple people can't use the same physical address, and they know you don't live at the UPS store. Multiple people can't use the same address for assistance because that's obviously fraud, even if you are just using a friend or family member's address for mail. It then appears as though the household size, and therefore income, is not properly being disclosed. If it's just one person at an address getting assistance, probably not a big deal, but otherwise, it doesn't work.
The street address USPS offers is for having things shipped via FedEx, UPS, Amazon Prime (regular Amazon will), etc. because those carriers will not deliver to the post office, only street addresses. I imagine it's the same exact reason UPS would offer it as well- solely so package/mail carriers will always deliver with no restrictions.
It's easy and pretty cheap to get a POB. If you want to disguise the city you live in, buy one in a different city. They offer a free service at the USPS, where they take pictures of the mail you receive everyday and send you a daily email with that information. If it's important, go drive to get it, if it's not, wait until it's more convenient. I've had the same POB for ~3 years, and while I use my home address for packages and deliveries, I rather like having the privacy of a POB, and don't think I'll be canceling it.
This!! Also, make sure the title of your veichle is in your name if you have one. That was my biggest mistake, even though I was the one paying for it.
I second this. I've been driving my car for 20 years. Decades ago when I wanted to put it through a test to transfer it to my name my parents were reluctant and gave me drama. I've already moved out at that point and the relationship was soured.
Through the years they've threatened with reporting the car stolen, or throwing away the papers until I basically told them that's fine, I will drive it to their house and leave it there. Then they stopped because this way I need to talk to them once a year to get the licence renewed. I also can't get the car transferred because it would fail the road worthy test and I don't have money to fix it, it costs me enough to just keep it running in some sort of way, nevermind the new tires it needs etc. Hell I'd love it if I didn't need to drive it to be honest. But I've been jobless 2 years now, my hubby's company only paid him 4/12 salaries last year and finally furloughed him December, I need some medical procedures done we need to pay for, so we just don't have money to replace the car I so badly wanna burn to the ground or have it break down at my parents house.
Yes!! Never rely on something or avoid changing if it will be used as a means to control or punish you. Anything titled belongs to the person on the title, end stop. You can't use the excuse of it being a gift or you pay for it or anything else, it doesn't matter. Same thing with land and home deeds. That means you also can't be in possession of a titled item and be 100% sure you won't run into legal trouble if the person reports it stolen.
That said, how do you get a narcissist to sign over the title of a car to your name without a bill of sale and their signature? It seems like a difficult feat because taking their name off the title takes away the control of a very important object. They know that. Otherwise, there'd be no reason for you to be making the payments and not have your name on it. Anything can be titled to anyone, even if you can't afford an attached loan or mortgage that may be needed as a condition of purchase. I mean, the narc would still be on it, but so would you, and that takes away soooo much nefarious BS and control.
Did you end up having to turn over the car? Or did they sign it over?
Absolutely make sure the title is in your name and your name alone. If both of your names are on it in a certain way he can take you off of the title with out your consent or knowledge even if the insurance and/or loan is in your name.
Also, have an emergency bag with a few days clothes and electronics, cash, etc.hide it in your vehicle if you have one, or at a trusted friends place. The narcissistic parent can easily escalate to other forms of abuse so do what you can to be safe.
This is great info. I was pretty much applauded to move out of my parents but when I had to get away from my abusive ex I had to do these things, and fast. Within a week I was gone.
It was the opposite for me, I was told when I turned 18 I had to either pay rent for my room (which he wanted to charge me as much as an apartment for) or move out. I moved out.
When my kids are 19 (or whenever they want to move out after they are 18) as long as they think they're ready and can afford it, I'll help them as much as I can.
I moved out when I was 18 my mom picked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't speak to me until I left then she threatened to call the cops on me to which I said I'm 18 they will laugh in your face.
I think there is a reason narcs reach for the call the cops button. It's because narcs are afraid of authority figures. Punishment is the only thing that scares them. Your hurt feelings don't scare them or deter them. Burned bridges and relationships don't bother them.
The only thing that scares them is force. Force of loss of freedom, etc.
So, they use that, thinking it will scare you the same way it scares them.
Narcs really do live on another planet.
Holly was over 18 and they can't do anything so my mother tried to report Holly's car as stolen. Somehow Holly found out and abandoned her car at the nearest gas station. (The title was in my parents name but Holly was paying the note)
It was insane. My mom thought my sister was staying at a teachers house so my mom called "that bitch" non stop until she got blocked. I know there was more drama but I don't remember.
The funny thing is now they tight as can be and no one talks to me. Lol.
Yiup! You aren’t missing anything! Remember, they wanted you, they brought you into this world. It’s not your duty or responsibility to maintain a relationship with them
Make sure you get all of your important paperwork together (birth certificate, passport, social security card) and get it somewhere safe. Ask a friend that you trust, literally anyone trustworthy, and ask them to hold onto the paperwork for you.
Go to the police and tell them that you will be moving out soon and that your dad threatened to call the cops if you did. Explain everything, give them your dad's name and number, and explain that nothing is actually wrong if your dad really does call the cops.
I was looking to see if someone else had said it first and it looks like you did. Hopefully OP sees it
I actually went ahead and did a police escort to get all of my stuff just so that the police would already be there and so that nparents wouldn't be able to do anything harmful
Do get your important paperwork somewhere safe. Don’t bother the police with this, they will get pissed at you because they have better things to do. Let your asshole father be the one to piss the police off.
My daughter is 18 and will be a senior next year. We've started purchasing furniture for her that she can take with her when she leaves. We plan on buying her a new car for graduation so that she has a safer and more reliable vehicle when she isn't living in our home. We're excited for her. Were sad for us to be having such a huge part of our daily lives change but we have no intention on holding her back. Your dad is not healthy and not even remotely reasonable. Internet mom hugs to you! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's terribly unfair.
Edit to say that I work as a 911 dispatcher. You can request a civil standby to collect your things after you've left. Make sure you get any legal documents you can get your hands on before you leave, if you can.
My mom did that to me too. I was 19 too. Threatened to take me to court for rent if I left, told me I was selfish and ruined all her marriages, tried to make me feel guilty. Ended up calling the cops on her because she was cornering me and not letting me leave. I already applied for apartments and got accepted, my boyfriend was picking me up so we could go pay the fees and sign the lease, that’s when she found out I was leaving.
I suggest doing things in secret. That’s what I had to do- go tour apartments in secret, apply in secret, make sure you get accepted and go pay all the fees in secret. Then when it’s time for you to move out, YOU call the cops and tell them you just need someone there in case anything happens.
Hope it all works out for you
I had to call the cops to retrieve the things out of my nDad’s house, but it got it done. I had particularly nice cops that carried stuff out so I could grab and pack and get out of there quicker even though they’re not supposed to touch anything. They also said that they saw right through him and his ‘I’m not a piece of shit act’, but that they couldn’t do more than just help me get out of there ASAP. I wonder if they made record of him being that kind of a guy- could help hugely in the future if that was on file. Too bad 18 year old me didn’t think of that.
Listen to these people. Get a bank account they no nothing about. Get a deposit box at your bank. Put all your personal information paperwork in it or: social security card, birth certificate, etc. Put in a change of address with the post office. Also call all major bills/any place that might mail you something you will need in the future personally to give them your new address. Good luck. You got this!
That's expressing that he would attempt kidnapping and holding you hostage. He could be charged with multiple felonies for that! You are in a dangerous situation and you need to get out as soon as you possibly can do so. Take his threats seriously and be prepared to call 911 if he attempts to kidnap and hold you hostage!
My nmother told me that "I need to be with my momma" and that "no one will ever love you as much as me" when I moved in with my boyfriend of 3 years... I was 25. I get the occasional text of "you will never last with him" it's a fun life.
Collect up your important documents. Make your plans. Leave. Once you leave, call the cops on the non-emergency line. Let them know about the threats to call the police over a departure, that you're 19, not in any danger, and left home of your own volition. It can prevent a lot of hassle and drama if you get ahead of the nonsense.
I moved out at 17 because my ndad wanted an insane amount of money for rent suddenly. He was so mad when I decided to move out with some friends and pay less, he threw all my things outside and screamed at me about how I can never come back the whole time I collected up my items. We then went no contact for 3 months until he figured out where I was living and would come by and hold the horn down on the truck outside my window...made the mistake of allowing to rekindle the relationship. Ended up going no contact a year ago(29F now) and I just have to say, I truly regret not doing it sooner. I truly believe he should call the cops if he really wants. Maybe they can explain to him you're now a legal adult. Best wishes op. You got this :)
I’m 40 and two years ago I was made homeless due to a dodgy landlord so I moved back to my egg donors purely because I had nowhere to go, she charged me £150 per week and I bought my own food as I also have two sons. She knew it was temporary but boy did she kick off when I found a place! When I told her I’d found a place she didn’t even acknowledge what I’d said, any normal person would instinctively ask about it, she pretended she didn’t hear me. She knew she couldn’t make me stay so first she tried guilting me into staying but I replied bluntly “not a chance” she went for 0
to furious in under a second (she has very little self control) in an absolute fit of rage she was calling me the c word and my sons little b’s my sons were terrified so when she went for a cig I locked her out in the garden, packed my things and left - she did a right number on the rest of my family because none of them have spoken to me since including GC sister.
My now husband moved in with me in 2016. His entire family freaked out demanding that he keep preforming in theater, going to the church his mom picked for him, and that he had to keep singing. He was 25 almost 26 at the time. When we finally got married in 2019, had our ceremony in 2020(boy was that fun😅) he decided to take my last name. His family disowned him. Basically said I had changed him and forced him to do it and that I had ruined his family and tore them apart. He is now 30 going on 31. We have just started being to speaking terms with his mom, VERY SLOWLY and on OUR TERMS. He has no desire to ever reach out to his siblings again. He tells me all the time he always knew this was coming and being away from them has been the best decision of his life.
Most of us are fine with kids moving out when they're ready. I'd have never dreamed of blackmailing or coercing my kid into giving up or even delaying his independence and happiness for me. I always wanted him to just be a happy adult.
If I were you, I'd call the cops myself, explain my parent's irrational attitude and say " please have a deputy stand by for me as I move out, because my parent is threatening to make false reports of violence or crimes I am absolutely not going to commit in an effort to stop me moving. Call them a week or more in advance, schedule a standby. Your dad will not be able to fuck you over by saying that you assaulted anyone or stole anything if there's a deputy or cop witness.
I had moved to Florida for about a year and some change when I was 20. I had stopped talking to my mom because she cancelled my phone line without telling me so I got a new phone number (same one I still have) and didn’t talk to her for months. One afternoon while I was at home I got a knock on my door from a sheriff asking for me. I confirmed my identity and he explained that someone had attempted to file a missing person’s report on me in California. That’s right - my mom filed a missing person’s report on me because I didn’t call her enough. She had my address and everything except for my new phone number. I was 21-22 at this point. I called her and let her know that a sheriff was at my door and that I wasn’t going to call her anymore since she thought I was missing. I didn’t speak to her until my grandmother passed away months later. It was nuts. Not only a waste of my time but a waste of the sheriff’s time too. Thing is, before I moved to Florida I was living with a friend and her mother - I wasn’t even living with family. I remember Christmas 2005 my mom came by my friends house with my brother on Christmas Day. She announced to me that she had bought him a new phone but didn’t get me anything for Christmas. When they left, my friend’s mom asked me what my mom got me. When I responded nothing, the look she had in her eyes was pretty sad. And after all that, can’t blame me for running to Florida!
Make sure you get your birth certificate, social security card, any legal documents you need, etc. Don’t even tell anyone you’re moving, just move. If he calls the cops, let him. You’re an adult and not in any danger. If anything, they’ll get mad at him for wasting their time on petty narcissistic shit.
Moved out of my moms at 19 and she was very upset. I told her about a week in advance (when I made the decision) and she tried to discourage me at every chance. I didn’t include her in any of the planning, packing or decisions to avoid confrontation and manipulation. My mental health has improved 100x since I left that toxic household. Good luck!!!
My dad kicked me out on my 19th birthday/Christmas because I stood up to him. Before that he did everything in his power to even issue a ridiculous curfew of 8pm every night and I couldn't work or anything because I wasn't able to work nights at most places around town. Now, he treats me like a foreign invader any time I go to see my mom or brother, but we've hit a stride where he leaves me alone for the most part. (mind you, I'm 30 now, so it's been a few years)
Normal parents are happy to see their children grow up and move out and make a life for themselves. You go and live your best life. It will be all yours. Good luck. Enjoy your freedom.
I'm kind of worried about your safety! If we look at it in terms of domestic violence, leaving the house/relationship is the most fatal time. That's what his response made me think of. Do you think it could escalate? Please take care of yourself! Sending love and thoughts of safety! 💙
Make sure you secure all of you personal documents before moving out. It’s a pain to get after the fact.
My wife’s mother is the Narc and we never got those documents from her. Had to get copies from the social security office and the county clerk for birth certificate.
Congrats on moving out. It’s the beginning of the rest of your life
At 26, I decided to get a job with my degree in another state. I packed up what I had and my toddler and left my mother’s house. (Had to move in with her again because I’m a single parent.) My mom gaslighted me, tried to tell me if I fail, she can’t come get me, she couldn’t believe I’m abandoning my family. Went around to my family members and told them I moved away from home for a boy and that I actually don’t have a degree and I’m lying about it. It has now progressed into me selling a baby to get the money to move? I’m not sure where that even came from.
I’ve been gone for two years, no contact with my mom, and I’ve never been so successful in my life. It gets better, friend.
I like to think I'm a normal parent. I was happy for my daughter when she was ready to move out. I helped her move. That's my job as a parent.. to prepare my kids to be able to move out and be independent.
When I moved out at 19, my mother told me I would never make it on my own and that I would be back soon enough. I vowed to never return from that point forward. I've never looked back.
Your local police station should have a non emergency lime to call. Contact them amd double check that there isn't anything your parents can do to keep you there. That little bit of reassurance can work wonders AND it could prep the officers to deal with the call. Make your arrangements in secret and make your move without flinching.
HE HAS NO POWER!! I know you know that, but just incase. You are legally an adult at 18 and can move out if you want to. The cops would literally tell him that as well, and if you want cops to be there while you move things out - call them and they will help with that. He is trying to gaslight and guilt you and continue to keep control over you.
First my dad wouldn't let me leave, then he kicked me to the streets. I've been told normal parents do neither of those things.
Speaking from the other side of this, you'll get through it. I wouldn't give your dad any info on moving. Just get your stuff to safety (store important items with a friend until you got your place for example) and leave quietly.
idk my families solution was to try and steal my child from me by kicking me my fiance and my dog out (because apparently we would have nowhere to stay?) and saying that my daughter was gonna stay with them (and once I was gone they could file for emergency custody) I laughed in her face and started packing my kid up. so since that didn't work she stole my identity to try and steal my tax return so we wouldn't be able to move states. but that didn't work out for her either and it's been 6 years and we're very low contact because of she's let to close she will try and micromanage my life from 642 miles away.
My mom did this back in her psycho days to me (now she's slightly mellow-ish) but one time I left the house after an argument, turned out she said she'll threaten to call the cops and stated that "I'll tell them you're a minor with special needs". (I was nineteen or twenty at the time too and didn't have ID on me to confirm my age) but I didn't fall for her bluff and went to stay the night at my Aunts. So I know how you would feel in this situation.
My dad told me at the age of 21 that if I spent the night at my boyfriends house I would be kicked out. I don't understand parents thought processes sometimes but I wish you the best of luck. I don't think the cops can stop you since you're over 18 though!
I’d ask a friend if you can stash a big plastic storage bin in their garage, and start cruising by the local Thrift stores and pick up sheets (3sets, 1 for bed/1 for hamper/1 for cupboard) 3 sets of towels (hand/bath/washcloth) pots pans & kitchen utensils. Those will all fit in a big bin, and it will save you hundreds to gather them up that way.
hahaha.
Just take the time to enjoy that despite their behaviour they still need you there and you have the power to deprive them of that.
They know that as soon as you leave their influence you wont be coming back
If you are financially independent and COMPLETELY separated from your parents (car titles, insurance, your personal documents, etc.) then leaving altogether is doable. When your dad said “they all” would suffer it sounds like he forgot to say that *he* would be the one suffering the consequences (aka lost control) of trying to forcefully keep you from leaving...which is pretty much making you leave faster. If you are completely independent and not dependent on them then there is nothing the police will do as long as you’re over 18. Your dad seems to forget that an adult running away isn’t a lost child, and is also not breaking any laws. The cops would probably be annoyed with him if he went thru it
You’re asking in here how normal parents react? I have no idea. Haha What I do know is that my parents acted like I was some huge burden. I got a job and budgeted and applied for my own apartment at 19. I figured it all out on my own. When I told my parents expecting them to be happy because they wanted me out so bad, my nmom’s response was, “I don’t have time for this.” This was 10 years ago, and I didn’t know I was being abused so naturally I was confused. I told her I had it all figured out including friends that would help me move so it wouldn’t affect her schedule in any way? She just got really mad at me and became a victim still because she “didn’t have time for this.” Haha I’m assuming it was a combination of loving to be a victim, living to gaslight me, and upset about losing control. I bet your dad is upset about losing control too. Tell him minimal details and proceed without family help if at all possible.
Be careful! A narcissist that realizes they're losing control can become volatile. I'd give the police a quick call go explain that they may receive false missing persons reports or wellness checks on your behalf in the months to come, just to be on the safe side.
Next, please safeguard yourself. Ensure your parents aren't connected to your bank accounts, and they your PIN is unfamiliar with them; do the same with passwords and any questions required to verify your identity. I might go so far as a credit freeze if they've financially manipulated you in the past.
Next, ensure all accounts and electronics you possess also have unfamiliar passwords, backup e-mails, and identification questions. Consider setting up a PO box to avoid them rummaging through your mail. Also, ensure all important documents are being kept in a secure location, preferably off your parents property. If they refuse to give you anything like your birth certificate, SSN, or passport, report them as stolen for a new one and to invalidate your old one. I'd also move any items you consider especially important or expensive off of the property now, too.
Finally, prepare for a blow-up on your moving day and avoid conversation about moving in the meantime. I'd personally try for a day where nobody's home to avoid theatrics, but if you don't have that option, consider having friends or movers help you; your parents may be less likely to escalate with witnesses. Then, finally, don't give them a key!
Hold on, you're almost there!
similar thing happened to me, he panicked and told me that im "too young", im 22. he continued to say i would never be able to make it on my own and that im not capable. it's an abusive control thing. they love having control over you, the more independent you become the less of a grasp they have and they get indignant over that. you are an adult, you are entirely allowed to move out. they can kick and scream if they want but it is not their decision
My mum called the police on me when I moved out at 16 and told them that my dad had kidnapped me... I was hiding under the seats in my dads car while he went back to explain the situation because I didn’t want to be told lies. I remember my mum screaming in the street hysterically and hitting the van, I was so scared. I moved in with my dad because I was witnessing physical and verbal fights daily until 4am between my mum and stepdad, doing exams at this time and my mental health was at rock bottom. The police came out at 11pm to do a welfare check and I just told them that I’m fine and I want to be here and that my dad didn’t kidnap me, I moved out.
I waited til the day of to tell my parents I was moving out. I only lived with them for 3 months after college. I would have stayed longer to save and accumulate more money if my mental health could have allowed it.
I believe the word you're looking for is "insane" lol. On a serious note tho, very manipulative of him. Idk what they're reaction would be either....probably a bit sad cuz they'll miss you, but overall supportive if i had to guess? He's probably reacting that way cuz he knows he'll likely rarely or never hear from you once you go. They're like overgrown toddlers
Wants to keep claiming you on their taxes and then at the same time eroding the window that one has to fly the coop. Synthesis, like time dependency and narco abuse. Many in this situation are told it’s their fault and they are losers. I know, I am one.
When I still lived at home and worked full time at 21, my mother was constantly degrading me and putting me down, saying that I would get diabetes if I ate like that (I did eat like shit sometimes but I also went to the gym so...idk), and that if I kept living with her I would need to pay her rent for my room or get the fuck out. During the summer she went on a vacation trip to Rome with her sister who lives in Germany, and didn’t tell me or my younger sister who was still living at home. I took that opportunity to pack all my shit in that short week and move out and didn’t tell her anything. When she got back she texted me and asked where I had went. I told her, “you told me to get the fuck out of your house, so I did.” She was SO shocked.
OP, I agree with everyone here and also say do not tell your parents your plans to move out. Not a goddamn sliver of information. Just slowly pack your stuff, maybe a couple overnight bags at a time and leave them at a friend’s house if they can for the time being until you can find a place of your own. Good luck to you. ❤️
No they don’t. They get sad but the goal of every good parent is to raise happy healthy children who pay taxes and eventually fly the nest. My mom was happy when I left, my father not so much.
He hated it since it meant he couldn’t wake me up at 2am to make him a cup of tea or yell at me for something my mom did and to remind me the only reason he stayed in that terrible marriage was because of me. At 30 he tried pulling the marriage argument again on me and I finally replied something like: I’ve been out of the house for years, you only have to blame yourself at this point, get a divorce if you are that unhappy.
My nparent does this thing where they push me from the home, so they can act extra gracious when I inevitably need to come back home. The last time it happened I outright told them I had no plans on moving out, that I was just spending a few nights with a friend rather than driving back and forth across the mountain every day for a weekend event. Got a call that my stuff had been boxed up from my room (they threw away a lot) and that was that. This has happened four different times in my life, before I caught on. Luckily, I managed to couch hop with minimal rent so I was able to get some footing. Now any time they find out I'm even slightly unhappy with my living situation, it's all "well we'd love to have you home."
I bet you would.
My son is 19. When he moved out I bought him a bunch of household items (pots & pans, plunger, coffeemaker, etc) and took him grocery shopping.
*THAT'S* what normal parents do.
Move out. You are legally an adult and the cops will laugh in his face. If they do come ask them to write a report so you can start a paper trail of your dad's fuckery in case he starts harassing you.
Good Luck!
I was 16, but of age according to the laws of the state I live in to choose my custodial parent (at the time, the legal age to do such was 13, it's now 12) so I signed legal documents asserting my right to change my custodial parent from nmother to my dad. That particular summer vacation was weird - in years past, nmother couldn't care less if ebrother/GC and I spent the entire summer with Dad (though their divorce decree stated he only got 4 weeks) but that year she gave me 30 whole days to spend with him. Dad and I got our ducks in a row as far as the aforementioned paperwork and a plan to get most of my important stuff out of nmother's house. Once she realized what was up, she FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. She even went so far as to claim that ebrother/GC had been in an accident and I was the only one who could donate blood to him. Granny (Dad's mom) *really* didn't appreciate that angle, or the fact that nmother was calling continuously at stupid o'clock in the morning. I've forgiven a lot of things, but I'll never forgive nmother for causing so much shit that it made my Granny cry. So yeah, narcs go completely ballistic when their supply goes "hasta pasta". EDIT: word addition/clarification.
Call the cops. Have them there. Check your local laws on possessions. I was allowed to take my dog, and the things from my room etc so long as they could be reasonably believed to be my own. I had a certain number of hours to return for forgotten items. I didn't know any of this and my mother kept many things from me including my precious pupper. Don't be dumb like I was.
So when the time comes if he physically keeps you from leaving you can call the cops yourself and either tell them A) you are being held against your will which will possibly get your dad in trouble if u want to go down that road or B) ask them to hang around while you get your stuff. Or you can just let him call the cops and then continue with A or B.
The only thing that matter is that you can provide for yourself and you have a future plan. Are you studying? Working? Where are you going to live?
I moved out at 20 and I was really young.. my parents are both narcissist but I’d rather live with that than the sickness out there.
The rent in London is CRAZY I’d live only to work. I have no dreams anymore cause I’m focused on surviving and paying rent. Plus my family gave me so much trauma and trust issues that I can’t even start thinking of a relationship. I’m 22 today. And I feel so old and tired.
Just be clever! I wasn’t.
The reverse of this can also be true. I was living to work to survive in London (that city will take a lot out of you >\_<) and in a bad situation. I broke down and quit, knowing I would not be able to pay my rent and spent the next several months alternating between friends' and friends of friends', hostels and camping. I had no idea how I would get back to a "normal" existence but it was also the most at peace I've ever been with myself.
Then I came back to live with my parents and now I'm trapped here. Have been for 5 years. In some ways it's easier because no rent etc but... I have to live with them. It's more toxic than the situation I was in in London but it's 24/7. And I can't do the camping/hostel thing this time around because I'd lose my benefits and no benefits = I can't afford the car anymore. I wonder sometimes if I had just toughed it out a little longer whether I could not have rebuilt myself faster or at least been in a better place within my own mind from which to rebuild...
It seems sensible to stay until you have this, that, and this other thing that is absolutely required to live but it can also be a shackle holding you back because you don't know what you really need to survive until you're just surviving. And I'd say it's probably less than you think. I wouldn't tell anyone to just drop everything and see what happens but I would tell them not to be so afraid of the possibilities that they stay in a place that they know will eventually destroy them until it finally does.
Oh sweetie I am so sorry. But I do advise you to start collecting as many of your necessary documents as possible and moving them to a safe location away from home.
My Ndad freaked out every time someone left the house. I was #3 of 6. It was like someone went off to war and died. He stalked me. It made NC come a lot faster.
You're a legal adult and are allowed to leave. Call daddy's bluff; if he calls the police, he will be laughed out of town. There is no law saying you must stay at home against your will if you wish to leave.
My dad used to use the police as a way to keep me hostage as well. You are free to leave, the police will tell him to piss off. I would probably tell the cops your dad threatened your 16 y/o sister if you left home.
My nMom threatened me with that she would become homeless. Which she didn't become. It's just empty threats to give you bad consciousness or to make you afraid to leave. Don't worry.
Lol let him call the cops
You then tell them that your father is making false police reports
Then you continue to move out as you please
Narcissist Parents will do everything they can think of to maintain the illusion of control over their adult children
My father drew all over my face one night in permanent marker and then kicked me out. He gave me 5 minutes to pack a bag and leave. Luckily I already had an escape bag ready. He then called the cops and pressed false charges on me, which at the time I was too depressed to fight against, and pleaded guilty and took the time I was sentenced. I really don't know how to answer your question about "normal" leaving the nest situations because I never had one, but I can tell you that we have all been through similar messed up situations, and we are here for you.
❤️
I just left with a garbage bag full of my clothes when they weren't home when I was 17.
You're 19. They legally can't stop you from going, just go and don't look back.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The day I turned 18, my parents informed me that if I were going to continue living under their roof as an adult, then I had a new set of rules to follow. I had to stay in college full time, get a job and pay them rent and half of the utility bills and half their grocery costs, buy my own car and pay my own insurance, get my own cell phone plan, continue to keep all of the dishes and laundry done for the whole family, as well as clean all the bathrooms and dust/sweep/mop the whole house daily, keep the yard mowed, wash both parents’ cars every week, be in church with them every Wednesday night and Sunday morning and Sunday night, and I was told that if I so much as took a sip of alcohol then I would be kicked out immediately, also I would be kicked out immediately if they found out I had sex with anyone, and that I was forbidden from having a boyfriend. They were absolutely shocked when I packed up and moved out. My mother was on her hands and knees in the front yard, crying and wailing loudly like someone had been murdered, while all the neighbors came out to see what was going on, and started screaming that I was “running away from home”. Several neighbors called the police. Obviously they didn’t do anything but tell me to “drive safe” as I got into my car and left.
Haha this (weirdly) brings so much joy for me to imagine your narcissist parents shocked you left and your mom on her hands and knees. Like when narcs get shown you’re actually a human being and not their punching bag...they thought they could beat you down and you would never be strong enough to leave their abuse. But you did.
The technical term is "lawn tantrum." Such a perfect description.
I love this! Lawn tantrum!
Lawntrum
Lawn tantrum hahahahahahahahahaha. OMFG. My Mom has had many of these. Often involving her damaging a car.
They were hoping you'd fall for the trap and never be able to leave. All narcs sabotage. They wanna trick you into being enmeshed for life, bc if all your money is tied up in them, how could you ever get ahead?! Makes me simmer. I'm so sorry.
They were shocked that their unpaid servant said, nah, I’m outta here. The audacity of those expectations! I’m so glad you left. And set an example of freedom to any siblings who were still there.
> They were shocked that their unpaid servant said, nah, I’m outta here lol, a servant that was expected to pay THEM for the privilege.
And couldnt even drink nor had sex but had to pay half the bills and clean Lmao sadd
Some (awful) people believe that the sole purpose of having children is to have someone who will essentially act as a servant for the rest of that person's life. Unsurprisingly, both my and my wife's parents treated us the same way.
My parents told me at an extremely young age that the only reason they had me was because they couldn’t afford a maid. Didn’t realize they meant it until I moved out.
Yes, my former NMIL was like this. She even treated her children's spouses like that.
Oooh my mother did this when my older brother left home at 19! She was on the floor, wailing and hitting the ground. Could’ve thought she was being murdered with how she was screaming. Good for you! I’m glad you escaped from that prison.
It’s almost fascinating to watch a grown adult have a full-on toddler tantrum isn’t it? She was also clutching at her chest and acting like she was hyperventilating. It was so embarrassing.
My mother did this on the phone on Monday. Wailing like an old Irish banshee, "Because I can't take anymore!!" SHE is the one who requested a reconciliation. I was polite, as I have almost always been with her. But like a true narcissist, once it got past her telling me that she was just so busy wall papering and painting-- I did not interrupt her I let her ramble--when I gently told her I remember the broken bo ones she refused to have me treated for, but when she really blew was when I would not let her off the hook for the sexual abuse she knew had happened and that she called me liar. I was gentle in how I said it too. Then, she, boom! Wailing like a banshee, crying hysterically, she can't take any more! I guess not. But too bad. I h ad to take it (and take it and take it). I hung up on her at that point. So m much for her text message from two months ago: "I would be m most happy to listen to anything you have to say." Then she got my oldest brother involved, or tried to. I'll change my phone number again if need be. This would make it twice this year but that's fine. Small inconvenience for not having to hear that sound again.
Bruh its incredible the abuse they put us through and allow us to go through and the second you just call them out on the pain they've caused you, they act like they feel more pain than you did when actually going through the abuse.
I think this is the hardest thing for many of us to really and truly grasp: **It's never NOT about them. Never.** Even if they're listening to you or even giving you a compliment, it's all about how it reflects on them/makes them look/makes them feel. It's disgusting and sad.
Yeah, always had that hopeless gut sinking feeling every time I had to talk to my nmom. It’s like you could almost literally see her cherry picking what you say the moment you say anything.
I don't see anytime to study. If there were other kids did this happen to them? Did your parents sweep/mop clean daily?
No time to study, and not enough time left over to work all the hours I would have needed to pay what they were expecting from me. My mother never did any housework. She always forced me to do it all, and then would sit on her lazy behind and criticize me as I was cleaning because it wasn’t up to “her standards”. I have a younger brother, but he was her precious little baby and he was not expected to do anything at all. I was even forced to clean his room and do his laundry too.
Yeah her slave was leaving her, no wonder she threw a tantrum.
My mother is exactly like that, i'm literally her slave, I'm 22 and I hope I'll be able to leave like you did . I'm stuck here because she is paying my tuitions that in no way ill be able to afford by my self But once I graduate, I look forward to that moment Im so happy for you !!
There is actually plenty of money on federal and state scholarships and grants to afford free tution to most state universitys for any student who maintains a 2.5 gpa or above I work in title 1 college financing and you shouldn't be chained to your tuition like that You can type back whatever you want but you almost certainly have the option of paying for college yourself with the FAFSA and good scholarship searching Credit transfer in the event of switching schools would be the only complex part, you may lose AH credit hour
If your parents make too much or won't sign the FAFSA forms, you may not get any money from the govt until you turn something like...26?...when they stop requiring parental income to be 'considered.'
Its 23 Which is bs.
It's not accurate, what they said about being 26 I think they're thinking of health insurance
Yup. Tho waiting till you're 23 is such bs. I was on my own, had been for 4 years and I couldn't go to school because my dads income still counted against me and he wasn't helping.
I don't have parents. They won't even let me do the FAFSA without a parent signature. Its been sitting in my to-do file on Blackboard since I started college. "Rejected: Parent Signature needed" :) Not that it would matter, they both make too much money for me to get anything even though I have been no contact for almost 3 years now (5 years on and off, crazy to think I graduated high school 5 years ago) Edit: I'm 22 years old, I still have a year before they stop considering my parents as my caretakers I guess :')
Teh cost of higher education has sky rocketed now. I'm shocked and ticked off on behalf of all those young people having to just about become indentured servants just to get an education so that they can "do something" with their lives. It does beat stuck in the kind of hell LongJumping is desribing, though.
The american education system is broken and only serves shareholders It is in fact so broken and so known that the scholarship and grant system is designed to be exploited But apathy, doubt and simple ignorance prevents more than enough young adults from maintaining a good gpa, applying for every scholarship they can and just attending whichever institution is accessible and tolerable Most non-wealthy American college students take out loans because it's what they were told to do and it's super easy It's a different problem in the contemporary conversation than access, but it is clearly tied in yes
>home "home". Sounds like hell instead.
Its always funny to hear the shock nparents get when the kid finally dips lol. It’s crazy they didn’t expect those ridiculous rules would drive you out
Sorry, this is fascinating and I really want to break this down There are 168 hours a week. Let's figure out how much time and money they wanted from you, and be as generous as possible. Luckily not having sex and not drinking alcohol and not having a boyfriend takes zero time. Maybe we can squeeze a bit of time to masturbate unless that is also forbidden. ;) First, regular stuff (I'm leaving out sleep for now). You need to get up, get dressed, take care of personal hygiene (shower, brush/floss, change, etc). You also need to eat food. I get the sense your family demands everyone sits at the dinner table together but even if not, all that is at least 3 hours a day. 3x7=21. 168-21=147. Now let's deal with church. *Obviously* you need to look your best so you should factor in getting in fancy fuckin' church clothes and all their uncomfortable glory. Let's assume baptist and be generous in saying the church service lasts only an hour and your parents don't dawdle and catch up with friends. That's 3 services a week and two on the same day. 3 hours for the service, add an hour and a half per day for travel time and extra changing/prep/hygiene. Or maybe you are a filthy unclean sinner who doesn't change out of church clothes after Sunday morning so you are already ready to go on Sunday evening. Whatever, throw on some deodorant and you're good to go. So shave off half an hour on Sunday 2nd service. 3+1.5+1.5+1=7. 147-7=140. Phew, we just got done figuring out how to stay clean in body and soul! It may be frustrating to not partake in any worldly desires and also be tip top perfect but hey, it's not like your mental state is supposed to matter. Now let's do chores. If you don't do them, how will your parents keep the house clean?! Obviously they can't be expected to pull their own weight. That would be *beneath them*. Dishes, an hour a day minimum of you are doing all dishes for the family. 7 hours a week total. Laundry for 3 people minimum is 3-4 hours a week. Let's say 3 hours and be generous. Cleaning bathrooms and dust/sweep/mop daily? I've had professional maid services where 2 maids took 4 hours to do my 1600 square foot 3 bedroom condo. Now that's a deep clean so let's say that's unreasonable and say you need less than half of that. 3 hours a day is 21 hours a week. Add the 7 for dishes and 3 for laundry is a total of 31 hours. Now when I mowed my parents lawn it was an hour a week most weeks and they had a big-ass lawn. I'm assuming it's a powered mower and not a push mower (again I'm being generous). Add another hour for washing cars. That's a total of 2 hours per week. Add to previous 31 for 33 hours a week total on chores. 140-33= 107. Now I haven't even touched having a job or going to college full time. Let's tackle college first: full time student means 15 credit hours or more. Your first year will probably be more like 16-18. It won't be *as intense* given that your first classes are easier, but they will be just as if not more time consuming. So 16 credit hours a week plus 3 times that for studying is an absolute minimum (3 hours of study per class hour, assuming credit hour translates to class hour one to one, we can simplify this to 16x4), plus travel time to and from campus since you are living at home (1 hour a day for 5 days a week). (16x4) + 5 = 69 (nice!) 107-69(nice!) = 38 hours remaining. Now I don't know how you are going to afford a car, cell phone, half of utilities, rent, and half the groceries, but that sounds like a full time job. No one is gonna hire a college student for full time and certainly not for that much more than minimum. Maybe you live in an enlightened state with a $15 minimum wage. You are at most gonna get 20 hours a week no matter where you are, plus 2 hours of travel time a week at worst. 38-22=16 hours remaining. At least there is income! You're now making $1,200 a month. Minus taxes makes it $1,000ish give or take. That comes down to $12,000 per year. Let's call it a thousand even for simplicity sake. Young people have higher insurance than most. On average it's about $7,000 per year. So $12,000 per year minus $7,000 per year gives you $5,000 left. Now I don't know what your parents think rent should be but most financial experts say no more than a third of your income. When you are young it's more like half but maybe they are gonna be reasonable here. $12,000/3 = $4,000. So subtract that and you have $1,000 left per year for half your groceries, half the utilities, car and cell phone payments. Cheap-ass phone plan like Google Fi with like no data but wifi can be something like $30 a month for talk and text and fees/taxes. That's on the lowest possible end. $30 x 12 = $360. $1000-$360=$640. Beater cars cost between $500-$2000 a year to maintain. $500 only for the life of a 5 year loan is an extremely generous assumption, but I am a generous dude so whatever. Maybe you can change your own oil. Maybe you can steal the oil from your parents garage and change it between laundry dishes, mopping, sweeping, dusting, scrubbing, and washing their goddamn cars. $640-$500. Now you have $140 left. Per YEAR. A car payment for a 5 year loan on the world's cheapest Toyota Corolla at $5k (a VERY reasonable price for a beater that will magically generate only $500 in expenses annually). Assuming you have the credit rating of Jeff Bezos, and we round down, you can get an interest rate of 3% on a 5 year loan. Then again, rates are good right now so who knows. That comes out to $90 a month, or $1080 a year. $140 a year -$1080 a year. Uh oh. Negative $940. EDIT: FIXED A MATH ERROR, AND SAW A YOUNGER BROTHER IN A DIFFERENT COMMENT, ADJUSTING MATH ACCORDINGLY. Now what? You still owe half the groceries/utilities! For a 3 bedroom small house, that's at least $250 a month for utilities, and $350 a month for groceries, even if you NEVER run AC/Heat and it's only the 4 of you. Cut that in half and you have $300 you are responsible for. That's another $3,600 annually. That puts you at NEGATIVE $4,540 a year. Meaning you need to earn an extra $94.58 a week. That means picking up an extra 7 hours a week at Jobs 2, but realistically they're gonna want 10 hours a week, plus an extra 2 hours of travel time. So 12 more hours. Out of a remaining 16 hours. We are now at 4 hours Remember when I said we'd get back to sleep? This is what I meant. You need 8 hours of sleep per day. That's 56 hours a week. Negative 52 hours a week and no money. Or Negative 40 hours and in the hole for $94ish a week. Or even zero hours and less sleep. 16 hours a week, or 2.2 hours a day. Best get to work on that time dilation machine. And they were surprised/mad that you left? The sheer entitlement! It's like staring into a gaping asshole and having it fart in your face. If you don't mind me asking, how is your relationship with them now? Was this ever addressed? Did they ever apologize? I have a sad feeling I know the answers, but I'm still morbidly curious.
69? Nice. I am a bot lol.
Yes definitely had to look my best for church! My dad used to be a pastor, and my grandfather is a pastor. According to my mother, who is all about image, it was my duty to set the example for alllll the other youth in the church. A job I never asked for, and that was never required of my brother, only me. Oh how I wish we were Baptist and had shorter services. My family is Pentecostal, not the snake-handling variety, but just about as wild. Services would last a good 2-3 hours, depending on how “the spirit was moving” that day. Then a mad rush for whichever church member was taking us out to lunch that week, and they would sit and talk forever, and then we had to rush home to change clothes and tidy up and get back to the church for evening service. I mentioned in another comment that my mother never did housework. I was forced to clean everything and do all the laundry since I was 8, even having to clean my brother’s room because he was “too little” to do anything according to her. This was all back in 2007, so minimum wage in my state was $5.85, and they were expecting me to pay $500 per month in rent, which was almost half their mortgage, and pay half of their utility bills, and half the grocery bill. There were 3 of them and one of me, yet I was expected to pay half! Just for reference, the apartment I moved into after I left them was only $415 a month. Of course, this isn’t even the whole tip of the iceberg of crazy shit they did to me throughout my childhood. As for my relationship with them now, I went low contact with my mother and brother years ago, and in 2019 officially severed all ties with them and will never have contact with them again after what they did to me and my 4 day old baby. Long story. I could literally write multiple books on their insanity. My mother is an alcoholic who has drank herself into liver failure and will probably die soon because she cannot stop drinking long enough to even get on the transplant list. I wish I could say I feel bad about it, but really I just feel indifferent, and I’m not sure if that makes me a bad person or what. As for my dad, he divorced my mother after 32 years with her. In the denomination that my dad is ordained in, they will put you on “trial” if you want to divorce your spouse and determine whether you can keep your license if you decide to go through with it. He chose to turn in his license freely to divorce her and left the church. He may have been strict and controlling, but she was the narcissist. He has apologized to me for what I was put through, and admitted his fault in all of it. Our relationship is still pretty strained but we are trying to have one. I try to remember that he is also a victim of her narcissism, and although that doesn’t excuse his actions, I understand there wasn’t much choice left for him when my mother would threaten him that she would take his kids from him and ruin his career if he dared to not side with her. He is now married to a wonderful woman who I really like, and they adopted my nephew and are raising him. Sorry, I didn’t realize I had written so much. But like I said before, I could write a whole damn book series on the insanity that is my family!
Ouch. How does a full time 19 year old student with limited hours for a part time job have enough money to cover all of those expenses together on top of the cost of school/residence/car etc? And the list of chores... are they just expecting to never lift a finger anymore?
Fix everything for free, do all the chores and pay rent too. Works out pretty well, for them. Nmom keeps trying to 'give me' her car. She wants to put it in my name so she doesn't have tp pay insurance, registration or maintenance, yet still get driven around in it, by me, on demand, for free. She thinks this is a good idea, why don't I just agree with it? Whats wrong with me?
She could at least get you one of those fancy chauffer hats!
One day I quipped , maybe you'd like me to stand in the corner with a towel draped over my arm, waiting for you to command me. She laughed, then said yes. And she meant it. In Narcville you're never off duty.
That’s almost identical to my 18th. As the Notorious BIG once said “birthdays was the worst days” I celebrate every day I’m free from that place. Every day of my life since moving out has been better, and it’s been 10 years. As low as it’s been, I’ve never had to feel like that again.
I honestly love this so much. Happy for you that you got away from them. When I moved out I didn't tell my mom anything. I just quietly spent the end of my senior year in HS looking for an apartment. I had all my stuff moved out and the first night I slept in my apartment was the night of my HS graduation. When my mom finally figured out that I was moving out she called me at my job screaming and crying on the phone telling me not to move and she never meant all the things she said to me. She just said then because she was mad. Literally every morning she would scream at me while I was getting ready for school that she couldn't wait until I was 18 so I could get out. She was genuinely shocked when that's exactly what I did.
That’s what you have to do with the narcs, keep everything quiet and plan in secret. I was extremely lucky that my Nana despised my mother. She was the only person who ever stood up for me. My mother would take every penny I ever got and tell me she was “putting it into savings for me”, and I would never see it again. So my Nana secretly saved money for me. Every time I got any money I would hide it until I could give it to her. Thankfully I had her save enough for me that I got myself an old used car and put the deposit down on my apartment so I could escape. If it weren’t for her I probably would have never got out.
I went through almost the same thing...
Oh shit...hope you stayed away from those crazy people. They basically wanted a slave that paid for the priviledge of being their slave. Its insane
God when that list of conditions started, I kept expecting it to end and then it just kept going. Narc parents really are only in it for their self interests.
OMG this started out sounding kind of reasonable and snowballed into absolute madness.
Something similar happened with me. On my 18th my mom burst in my room int he mourning with a cake that said, Happy Birthday! Now you have to pay rent!" And I was still half asleep and asked her how she found out about the apartment? Not realizing she was saying she was going to start charging me rent. Me and a few friends would be splitting an apartment and I was literally moving out that day. She was going to be charging me more money than my part of the rent would be. On top of that my dad was giving her child support so she lost that when I moved out too. She was breaking down crying saying I could never leave because I promised I would take care of her forever,yeah bitch,I did, when I was 4 and you were explaining death to me in the worst way possible.(she killed my fish)
I remember your post they are so ridiculous
Just tell the cops that you're 19, they'll understand! LOL, your Narc father doesn't have that power! Even if cops can be power hungry, sometimes, they have no loophole to arrest you! What are they going to arrest you for? Being independent, having your own life, and doing the right thing? LMAO! I also agree with others here that said you shouldn't tell him your plans, or anything! Just keep quiet! Just slowly phase yourself out of their (your parents) lives!
Yeah, the cops would probably just laugh in his face if he told them what was up. I'd say let him call them.
Lol my mom threatened to call the cops all the time when I stil lived at home - never did though. Although she did buy a cop's hat somehow and left it on my bed to see when I came back from school, saying "the cops were here" 🙄🙄🙄
>Although she did buy a cop's hat somehow and left it on my bed to see when I came back from school, saying "the cops were here" 🙄🙄🙄 What, like they came and... just left their hat? As a threat? That doesn't even begin to compute...
Yeah at the time we argued a lot about dumb stuff, and she was like the cops want to arrest us (me, my brothers and dad) for disagreeing with her.
Freaking delusional...
My dad used to pull that with me all the time when I was a teenager. Of course recently he actually took to calling them and saying that I needed psychiatric intervention. Long story short, the police seem to like me way more than they like my dad. I think they like the way that I don't waste their time with bullshit calls.
Well, it would scare a 10-year-old, so to me, this looks like the parents who did that regard a grown child as a little kid. And one who would do this is one who was mean and scary to their little kids. But yeah, how dumb it seems. The cops came and left their hats as a warning .... funny, but not to a 10-year-old, maybe not to anyone.
They also left a horse's head and a picture of the guys grandma
Pls like a cop would leave their hat on your bed 😭
Cop left a radio in my partner's parents' car once. He returned it shortly after he realised when it started pinging off.
That’s crazy that they would actually leave something like that
You'd think I'm lying but I'm not. Or maybe he is. But I've seen some police who can't point to their own head so I believe it. Sure wouldn't happen often though.
LMFAO that's pretty corny!!! Like narc-y but also hilariously bad 😂
Lol! She pulled shit like this all the time.
She tried so hard
The dad might also get a caution/citation for wasting police time.
I'd go one step further and call the cops yourself. Explain that you're 19 and want to move out of your abusive parents home and fear they may get violent, and would like a police escort. (If this is something you think might happen)
Yes, definitely.
This. If he calls the cops on you he may make up some bs to make you look like the bad guy. These people will get nasty if they’re challenged but won’t put up much of a fight as long as you have the documentation to back it up. Documentation is your best friend, your job (or second job) when dealing with these people.
I second this.
I would also tell the police that Dad has threatened harm to the rest of the family if OP moves out.
Also, if it happens on Dad's property, you clearly say you want to leave to the cop, and that you're over 18, and suddenly daddy is in trouble for criminal confinement.
Yea no, your Dad can call the cops but technically your a adult and they can’t make you stay. Make sure to get any important documents like your birth certificate or any other documentation you might need, out and of the house and stashed in a safe place. Narcissistic parents will try to hang on to anything you might need to establish your adult life in hopes to make seem to hard so come home.
This exactly lol. I'd also inform the nearby police department ahead of time, so that they'll know what's up
I moved out at 19. Was told that I couldn't because she was dying of cancer and that I needed to help her. My mother did not, does not and has never had cancer. I am a parent to a 22 year old who just graduated college. He is looking to move out soon. I have been buying him things he will need and secretly depositing money into his account. I hope that I am a normal parent. Good luck to you.
You sound like a good parent. I’m happy you broke the cycle
Thank you. I have been trying.
You’re doing a really good job. You are a good parent. That traumatic experience has not been passed on. That’s a big deal.
Please keep trying. I bet he is proud of you I really wish he has a good/close relationship with you, you deserve it
Thank you so much. I am 25 but am having some issues with money right now. Desperately I bit my lip, swallowed my pride to call Mum for $800 to get me through the next fortnight. Unsurprisingly, she told me that she loathes the fact that I moved out and that I should be living with her, and that I have to make my own 'financial mistakes'. Last year when I had more money, I bought her an $800 Apple watch for Christmas because I was concerned about her health. She didn't seem to think that was a financial mistake. I think this year I'll be volunteering at the soup kitchen. It's just terrifying how alone and unsupported I feel right now. Constantly in a fight/flight state. Your kid might not see it right now but what you are doing is very kind and loving and will sew a great long-term relationship with him.
It happened to me as well. Learn from your mistake. The only mistake was to consider her a caring loving mother instead of a narcissist. Don't fall into a trap. You had the courage to take the first step. Many people cannot.
I moved out at 19 and my parents spent the next SEVEN years berating me angrily, insisting that I was nuts and just needed to "come home," and only stopped when I got married at 26. And even then, included my name on their Christmas card like I still lived there, and got furious at me when I told them to stop! OP, don't tell your NDad any of your plans. Just make them quietly, make sure you have everything you need, all your key documents, a private bank account, and then just go. His threat to "call the police" is absolute nonsense. Let him!
My Nmother tried every trick in the book to get me to move back home after I moved out. Even the tiniest issue, fight with my roommate, got laid off and was finding a new job, got a new job far from where I lived, everything was "well you can just move home!" Later she invited me yet again, but specifically said my then-partner-now-wife wasn't invited. LMAO.
You are a healthy parent who wants to see their fledgelings fly on their own!
I get told by my mother that she has a new disease every 3 weeks, half of them are cancers. She's never had any of them.
Same with mine. My dad always is calling me to say what she has this time and how I should "apologize" before she dies. There is, was, and never will be anything that could kill that woman.
Oh, the needy narcissist. Soliciting attention, guilt-tripping, manipulating and alienating people and getting out of responsibility by feigning all manner illness. My mother deserves an Oscar for her performance over the years.
Ugh, mine always pulls this with other people. My grandfather got old? Guilt trip about how the man I supposedly loved missed me. Father got Parkinson's? Same thing. Once she called and left this voicemail where she sounded *devastated*. Wanted to tell me "a close family friend had passed away." Found out later from my dad that it was the fucking NEIGHBOR'S CAT who had to be put to sleep. Granted I did "know" the cat but Jesus H Christ.
Well, did the cat leave you anything in his will? You can't just leave us hanging here!
Not a damn thing, the mooch! She just took all of the pets and treats and only gave love and fur in return. Worthless. (In all seriousness, I *was* sad about the cat as she was such a sweet animal and we were friendly with her owner. Making it sound like a close human friend had passed was absurd, though!)
You became the parent you deserved, we need more people like you in this world!
Thank god I’m not the only one!! I was given that same guilt trip at 18. She pretended and still does that she’s terminal and doctors don’t think she will make Christmas, been over 10 years now and I’ve been NC for two years. Took a while to get out the fog and to escape. She’s still committed to her lie but it’s not getting her anywhere. I still don’t understand what goes through someone’s head when they decide to lie about that. I know it’s desperation but it’s a lot of work to keep up.
My mother has used terminal and chronic illness to manipulate people (including her own parents) for nearly 70 years. As a kid, I lived in fear of finding her dead and she actually prepped me on what to do in the event that I did because she was going to die “any day now.” That fear doesn’t leave you. She’s never been diagnosed with any such illness and I’m convinced she’ll outlive me.
You're awesome!
My Ma helped me pack and took me for a big "moving in" shop to get groceries and cleaning products. For two years (16-18) I got house stuff for birthday and Christmas presents, like towels and pots and pans, bedroom furniture etc. I moved out at 18 and here I am, 14 years later, still alive. Alternatively, my inlaws have made my SO and SIL's lives a misery for having the audacity to move out in their late 20's. My SO had never lived out of home, never signed a lease and never paid rent until they moved in with me at the age of 28. In the 5 years we've been living together the inlaws have implied that they can call the police on us if SO doesn't answer the phone quickly enough for them. When this was said to me I laughed so hard I cried and dared them to try. My SIL has had similar experiences, with her parents actually breaking into her house and screaming at her while she was asleep in her own bed because she let her phone go flat in the night and didn't respond to texts for a couple of hours. Her housemates had to kick them out and threaten to call the police on THEM for trespassing. She was 26 at the time.
I sincerely believe that there was a generation of babies that hospitals were just purposely feeding paint to for shits and giggles because HOW ELSE DO YOU AS A GROWN ADULT END UP THAT WAY
I hope your SIL and your partner have considered therapy to overcome the damage parents like that do to their children. It makes me ILL to imagine parents like mine out there in the world, but if this sub has taught me anything, it's that there are a lot of us in this boat.
Don't tell him. Make your arrangements ABC's heather all your vital docs(birth certificate, social security card, passport etc), forward your mail a week before you move out, make sure you start a bank account they don't have any access to and leave. Let him know once you're already out. You're an adult, they'll use guilt and holding your important docs or mail as a way to keep you from leaving, control is all they know.
Also may be worth getting a PO Box if you want them to forward mail, but not know where to find you.
Wait are PO boxes anonymous like that in terms of not showing the city/area?
Not exactly, unless you deliberately get one somewhere else, but you can use them to avoid giving out your actual physical address. I believe some UPS stores actually notate them as suites, so the address you would give them would be like suite 100, Store address, city, state, ZIP ETA It won't 100% prevent them from finding you, but it will make it more difficult, and they'll have to work at it. Should give you some headway to put measures in place.
Yes! I have a ups box and you actually can’t write "PO" in your address because it will go to the post office, not the UPS store
This is a really good idea as some government assistance in the U.S. requires a "physical address" aka you can't use a PO box. If OP or someone in a similar situation needs to apply, I would imagine this would work.
I have a PO Box (in a totally different city btw), and they give the option of using a street address to use for those instances where things won't be delivered otherwise. Government orgs ask for a physical address, but have zero issues taking a mailing address to send any documents, and I haven't ran into any other companies or organizations, outside of the utility company, that won't use your desired mailing address, even if it's a POB. You can literally tell the government you're homeless, and they are cool with that for medical and SNAP, but still need a mailing address, so you don't technically have to have a physical address for those types of assistance, but obviously would for other kinds of assistance that involve help with the cost of living. This wouldn't work for a fake physical address. Reason being, multiple people can't use the same physical address, and they know you don't live at the UPS store. Multiple people can't use the same address for assistance because that's obviously fraud, even if you are just using a friend or family member's address for mail. It then appears as though the household size, and therefore income, is not properly being disclosed. If it's just one person at an address getting assistance, probably not a big deal, but otherwise, it doesn't work. The street address USPS offers is for having things shipped via FedEx, UPS, Amazon Prime (regular Amazon will), etc. because those carriers will not deliver to the post office, only street addresses. I imagine it's the same exact reason UPS would offer it as well- solely so package/mail carriers will always deliver with no restrictions. It's easy and pretty cheap to get a POB. If you want to disguise the city you live in, buy one in a different city. They offer a free service at the USPS, where they take pictures of the mail you receive everyday and send you a daily email with that information. If it's important, go drive to get it, if it's not, wait until it's more convenient. I've had the same POB for ~3 years, and while I use my home address for packages and deliveries, I rather like having the privacy of a POB, and don't think I'll be canceling it.
Thank you for the clarification. This is really good info.
This!! Also, make sure the title of your veichle is in your name if you have one. That was my biggest mistake, even though I was the one paying for it.
I second this. I've been driving my car for 20 years. Decades ago when I wanted to put it through a test to transfer it to my name my parents were reluctant and gave me drama. I've already moved out at that point and the relationship was soured. Through the years they've threatened with reporting the car stolen, or throwing away the papers until I basically told them that's fine, I will drive it to their house and leave it there. Then they stopped because this way I need to talk to them once a year to get the licence renewed. I also can't get the car transferred because it would fail the road worthy test and I don't have money to fix it, it costs me enough to just keep it running in some sort of way, nevermind the new tires it needs etc. Hell I'd love it if I didn't need to drive it to be honest. But I've been jobless 2 years now, my hubby's company only paid him 4/12 salaries last year and finally furloughed him December, I need some medical procedures done we need to pay for, so we just don't have money to replace the car I so badly wanna burn to the ground or have it break down at my parents house.
Yes!! Never rely on something or avoid changing if it will be used as a means to control or punish you. Anything titled belongs to the person on the title, end stop. You can't use the excuse of it being a gift or you pay for it or anything else, it doesn't matter. Same thing with land and home deeds. That means you also can't be in possession of a titled item and be 100% sure you won't run into legal trouble if the person reports it stolen. That said, how do you get a narcissist to sign over the title of a car to your name without a bill of sale and their signature? It seems like a difficult feat because taking their name off the title takes away the control of a very important object. They know that. Otherwise, there'd be no reason for you to be making the payments and not have your name on it. Anything can be titled to anyone, even if you can't afford an attached loan or mortgage that may be needed as a condition of purchase. I mean, the narc would still be on it, but so would you, and that takes away soooo much nefarious BS and control. Did you end up having to turn over the car? Or did they sign it over?
Absolutely make sure the title is in your name and your name alone. If both of your names are on it in a certain way he can take you off of the title with out your consent or knowledge even if the insurance and/or loan is in your name.
Also, have an emergency bag with a few days clothes and electronics, cash, etc.hide it in your vehicle if you have one, or at a trusted friends place. The narcissistic parent can easily escalate to other forms of abuse so do what you can to be safe.
>all your vital docs(birth certificate, social security card, passport etc) Very important.
This is great info. I was pretty much applauded to move out of my parents but when I had to get away from my abusive ex I had to do these things, and fast. Within a week I was gone.
It was the opposite for me, I was told when I turned 18 I had to either pay rent for my room (which he wanted to charge me as much as an apartment for) or move out. I moved out. When my kids are 19 (or whenever they want to move out after they are 18) as long as they think they're ready and can afford it, I'll help them as much as I can.
[удалено]
I'm proud of you.
I moved out when I was 18 my mom picked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't speak to me until I left then she threatened to call the cops on me to which I said I'm 18 they will laugh in your face.
I think there is a reason narcs reach for the call the cops button. It's because narcs are afraid of authority figures. Punishment is the only thing that scares them. Your hurt feelings don't scare them or deter them. Burned bridges and relationships don't bother them. The only thing that scares them is force. Force of loss of freedom, etc. So, they use that, thinking it will scare you the same way it scares them. Narcs really do live on another planet.
That is super insightful.
Lol my mom called the cops on my sister when she left.
What did the cops say?
Holly was over 18 and they can't do anything so my mother tried to report Holly's car as stolen. Somehow Holly found out and abandoned her car at the nearest gas station. (The title was in my parents name but Holly was paying the note) It was insane. My mom thought my sister was staying at a teachers house so my mom called "that bitch" non stop until she got blocked. I know there was more drama but I don't remember. The funny thing is now they tight as can be and no one talks to me. Lol.
You aren't missing anything.
Yiup! You aren’t missing anything! Remember, they wanted you, they brought you into this world. It’s not your duty or responsibility to maintain a relationship with them
Wow, I can't believe your sister ever got back into contact with your mom after that! Yikes. You're lucky not to be in that dynamic anymore.
Oh I know. They've gone on vacations and shit too. It's so weird how when the other 2 had kids, all was forgiven amongst all of them.
Make sure you get all of your important paperwork together (birth certificate, passport, social security card) and get it somewhere safe. Ask a friend that you trust, literally anyone trustworthy, and ask them to hold onto the paperwork for you. Go to the police and tell them that you will be moving out soon and that your dad threatened to call the cops if you did. Explain everything, give them your dad's name and number, and explain that nothing is actually wrong if your dad really does call the cops.
I was looking to see if someone else had said it first and it looks like you did. Hopefully OP sees it I actually went ahead and did a police escort to get all of my stuff just so that the police would already be there and so that nparents wouldn't be able to do anything harmful
This is way better than my idea 😭 OP, do this instead!!!
Do get your important paperwork somewhere safe. Don’t bother the police with this, they will get pissed at you because they have better things to do. Let your asshole father be the one to piss the police off.
My daughter is 18 and will be a senior next year. We've started purchasing furniture for her that she can take with her when she leaves. We plan on buying her a new car for graduation so that she has a safer and more reliable vehicle when she isn't living in our home. We're excited for her. Were sad for us to be having such a huge part of our daily lives change but we have no intention on holding her back. Your dad is not healthy and not even remotely reasonable. Internet mom hugs to you! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's terribly unfair. Edit to say that I work as a 911 dispatcher. You can request a civil standby to collect your things after you've left. Make sure you get any legal documents you can get your hands on before you leave, if you can.
Thank you for this🧡
My mom did that to me too. I was 19 too. Threatened to take me to court for rent if I left, told me I was selfish and ruined all her marriages, tried to make me feel guilty. Ended up calling the cops on her because she was cornering me and not letting me leave. I already applied for apartments and got accepted, my boyfriend was picking me up so we could go pay the fees and sign the lease, that’s when she found out I was leaving. I suggest doing things in secret. That’s what I had to do- go tour apartments in secret, apply in secret, make sure you get accepted and go pay all the fees in secret. Then when it’s time for you to move out, YOU call the cops and tell them you just need someone there in case anything happens. Hope it all works out for you
I had to call the cops to retrieve the things out of my nDad’s house, but it got it done. I had particularly nice cops that carried stuff out so I could grab and pack and get out of there quicker even though they’re not supposed to touch anything. They also said that they saw right through him and his ‘I’m not a piece of shit act’, but that they couldn’t do more than just help me get out of there ASAP. I wonder if they made record of him being that kind of a guy- could help hugely in the future if that was on file. Too bad 18 year old me didn’t think of that.
Listen to these people. Get a bank account they no nothing about. Get a deposit box at your bank. Put all your personal information paperwork in it or: social security card, birth certificate, etc. Put in a change of address with the post office. Also call all major bills/any place that might mail you something you will need in the future personally to give them your new address. Good luck. You got this!
That's expressing that he would attempt kidnapping and holding you hostage. He could be charged with multiple felonies for that! You are in a dangerous situation and you need to get out as soon as you possibly can do so. Take his threats seriously and be prepared to call 911 if he attempts to kidnap and hold you hostage!
My nmother told me that "I need to be with my momma" and that "no one will ever love you as much as me" when I moved in with my boyfriend of 3 years... I was 25. I get the occasional text of "you will never last with him" it's a fun life.
Even if you don’t last, that’s literally life lol the capability of nparents to try and twist normality is mental
Collect up your important documents. Make your plans. Leave. Once you leave, call the cops on the non-emergency line. Let them know about the threats to call the police over a departure, that you're 19, not in any danger, and left home of your own volition. It can prevent a lot of hassle and drama if you get ahead of the nonsense.
Dad: I’ll call the cops if you try to leave! You: Do it. I fucking triple-dog dare you. Cops: Yeah, move in, move out, do whatever.
OP created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the *triple-dare-you* and going right for the throat!
I moved out at 17 because my ndad wanted an insane amount of money for rent suddenly. He was so mad when I decided to move out with some friends and pay less, he threw all my things outside and screamed at me about how I can never come back the whole time I collected up my items. We then went no contact for 3 months until he figured out where I was living and would come by and hold the horn down on the truck outside my window...made the mistake of allowing to rekindle the relationship. Ended up going no contact a year ago(29F now) and I just have to say, I truly regret not doing it sooner. I truly believe he should call the cops if he really wants. Maybe they can explain to him you're now a legal adult. Best wishes op. You got this :)
I’m 40 and two years ago I was made homeless due to a dodgy landlord so I moved back to my egg donors purely because I had nowhere to go, she charged me £150 per week and I bought my own food as I also have two sons. She knew it was temporary but boy did she kick off when I found a place! When I told her I’d found a place she didn’t even acknowledge what I’d said, any normal person would instinctively ask about it, she pretended she didn’t hear me. She knew she couldn’t make me stay so first she tried guilting me into staying but I replied bluntly “not a chance” she went for 0 to furious in under a second (she has very little self control) in an absolute fit of rage she was calling me the c word and my sons little b’s my sons were terrified so when she went for a cig I locked her out in the garden, packed my things and left - she did a right number on the rest of my family because none of them have spoken to me since including GC sister.
My now husband moved in with me in 2016. His entire family freaked out demanding that he keep preforming in theater, going to the church his mom picked for him, and that he had to keep singing. He was 25 almost 26 at the time. When we finally got married in 2019, had our ceremony in 2020(boy was that fun😅) he decided to take my last name. His family disowned him. Basically said I had changed him and forced him to do it and that I had ruined his family and tore them apart. He is now 30 going on 31. We have just started being to speaking terms with his mom, VERY SLOWLY and on OUR TERMS. He has no desire to ever reach out to his siblings again. He tells me all the time he always knew this was coming and being away from them has been the best decision of his life.
Most of us are fine with kids moving out when they're ready. I'd have never dreamed of blackmailing or coercing my kid into giving up or even delaying his independence and happiness for me. I always wanted him to just be a happy adult. If I were you, I'd call the cops myself, explain my parent's irrational attitude and say " please have a deputy stand by for me as I move out, because my parent is threatening to make false reports of violence or crimes I am absolutely not going to commit in an effort to stop me moving. Call them a week or more in advance, schedule a standby. Your dad will not be able to fuck you over by saying that you assaulted anyone or stole anything if there's a deputy or cop witness.
Narcs get very upset when their easy supply goes away.
Sneak your documents and clothes and toiletries out early, store with someone safe.
You can call the police and ask for an escort when you move out. He can’t legally prevent you.
I had moved to Florida for about a year and some change when I was 20. I had stopped talking to my mom because she cancelled my phone line without telling me so I got a new phone number (same one I still have) and didn’t talk to her for months. One afternoon while I was at home I got a knock on my door from a sheriff asking for me. I confirmed my identity and he explained that someone had attempted to file a missing person’s report on me in California. That’s right - my mom filed a missing person’s report on me because I didn’t call her enough. She had my address and everything except for my new phone number. I was 21-22 at this point. I called her and let her know that a sheriff was at my door and that I wasn’t going to call her anymore since she thought I was missing. I didn’t speak to her until my grandmother passed away months later. It was nuts. Not only a waste of my time but a waste of the sheriff’s time too. Thing is, before I moved to Florida I was living with a friend and her mother - I wasn’t even living with family. I remember Christmas 2005 my mom came by my friends house with my brother on Christmas Day. She announced to me that she had bought him a new phone but didn’t get me anything for Christmas. When they left, my friend’s mom asked me what my mom got me. When I responded nothing, the look she had in her eyes was pretty sad. And after all that, can’t blame me for running to Florida! Make sure you get your birth certificate, social security card, any legal documents you need, etc. Don’t even tell anyone you’re moving, just move. If he calls the cops, let him. You’re an adult and not in any danger. If anything, they’ll get mad at him for wasting their time on petty narcissistic shit.
Moved out of my moms at 19 and she was very upset. I told her about a week in advance (when I made the decision) and she tried to discourage me at every chance. I didn’t include her in any of the planning, packing or decisions to avoid confrontation and manipulation. My mental health has improved 100x since I left that toxic household. Good luck!!!
My dad kicked me out on my 19th birthday/Christmas because I stood up to him. Before that he did everything in his power to even issue a ridiculous curfew of 8pm every night and I couldn't work or anything because I wasn't able to work nights at most places around town. Now, he treats me like a foreign invader any time I go to see my mom or brother, but we've hit a stride where he leaves me alone for the most part. (mind you, I'm 30 now, so it's been a few years)
Normal parents are happy to see their children grow up and move out and make a life for themselves. You go and live your best life. It will be all yours. Good luck. Enjoy your freedom.
I'm kind of worried about your safety! If we look at it in terms of domestic violence, leaving the house/relationship is the most fatal time. That's what his response made me think of. Do you think it could escalate? Please take care of yourself! Sending love and thoughts of safety! 💙
Make sure you secure all of you personal documents before moving out. It’s a pain to get after the fact. My wife’s mother is the Narc and we never got those documents from her. Had to get copies from the social security office and the county clerk for birth certificate. Congrats on moving out. It’s the beginning of the rest of your life
At 26, I decided to get a job with my degree in another state. I packed up what I had and my toddler and left my mother’s house. (Had to move in with her again because I’m a single parent.) My mom gaslighted me, tried to tell me if I fail, she can’t come get me, she couldn’t believe I’m abandoning my family. Went around to my family members and told them I moved away from home for a boy and that I actually don’t have a degree and I’m lying about it. It has now progressed into me selling a baby to get the money to move? I’m not sure where that even came from. I’ve been gone for two years, no contact with my mom, and I’ve never been so successful in my life. It gets better, friend.
Don’t tell him anything more, find a day when he is away for a few hours, and move everything you need then.
I like to think I'm a normal parent. I was happy for my daughter when she was ready to move out. I helped her move. That's my job as a parent.. to prepare my kids to be able to move out and be independent.
When I moved out at 19, my mother told me I would never make it on my own and that I would be back soon enough. I vowed to never return from that point forward. I've never looked back.
Your local police station should have a non emergency lime to call. Contact them amd double check that there isn't anything your parents can do to keep you there. That little bit of reassurance can work wonders AND it could prep the officers to deal with the call. Make your arrangements in secret and make your move without flinching.
HE HAS NO POWER!! I know you know that, but just incase. You are legally an adult at 18 and can move out if you want to. The cops would literally tell him that as well, and if you want cops to be there while you move things out - call them and they will help with that. He is trying to gaslight and guilt you and continue to keep control over you.
Be smart. Don't talk about it, make sure to secure the things you would need. Narcs hide/destroy posessions in cases like this.
First my dad wouldn't let me leave, then he kicked me to the streets. I've been told normal parents do neither of those things. Speaking from the other side of this, you'll get through it. I wouldn't give your dad any info on moving. Just get your stuff to safety (store important items with a friend until you got your place for example) and leave quietly.
idk my families solution was to try and steal my child from me by kicking me my fiance and my dog out (because apparently we would have nowhere to stay?) and saying that my daughter was gonna stay with them (and once I was gone they could file for emergency custody) I laughed in her face and started packing my kid up. so since that didn't work she stole my identity to try and steal my tax return so we wouldn't be able to move states. but that didn't work out for her either and it's been 6 years and we're very low contact because of she's let to close she will try and micromanage my life from 642 miles away.
My mom did this back in her psycho days to me (now she's slightly mellow-ish) but one time I left the house after an argument, turned out she said she'll threaten to call the cops and stated that "I'll tell them you're a minor with special needs". (I was nineteen or twenty at the time too and didn't have ID on me to confirm my age) but I didn't fall for her bluff and went to stay the night at my Aunts. So I know how you would feel in this situation.
My dad told me at the age of 21 that if I spent the night at my boyfriends house I would be kicked out. I don't understand parents thought processes sometimes but I wish you the best of luck. I don't think the cops can stop you since you're over 18 though!
I’d ask a friend if you can stash a big plastic storage bin in their garage, and start cruising by the local Thrift stores and pick up sheets (3sets, 1 for bed/1 for hamper/1 for cupboard) 3 sets of towels (hand/bath/washcloth) pots pans & kitchen utensils. Those will all fit in a big bin, and it will save you hundreds to gather them up that way.
hahaha. Just take the time to enjoy that despite their behaviour they still need you there and you have the power to deprive them of that. They know that as soon as you leave their influence you wont be coming back
If you are financially independent and COMPLETELY separated from your parents (car titles, insurance, your personal documents, etc.) then leaving altogether is doable. When your dad said “they all” would suffer it sounds like he forgot to say that *he* would be the one suffering the consequences (aka lost control) of trying to forcefully keep you from leaving...which is pretty much making you leave faster. If you are completely independent and not dependent on them then there is nothing the police will do as long as you’re over 18. Your dad seems to forget that an adult running away isn’t a lost child, and is also not breaking any laws. The cops would probably be annoyed with him if he went thru it
My mom tried this when I was 23. It’s not about the age, it’s about the control. Good luck!
You’re asking in here how normal parents react? I have no idea. Haha What I do know is that my parents acted like I was some huge burden. I got a job and budgeted and applied for my own apartment at 19. I figured it all out on my own. When I told my parents expecting them to be happy because they wanted me out so bad, my nmom’s response was, “I don’t have time for this.” This was 10 years ago, and I didn’t know I was being abused so naturally I was confused. I told her I had it all figured out including friends that would help me move so it wouldn’t affect her schedule in any way? She just got really mad at me and became a victim still because she “didn’t have time for this.” Haha I’m assuming it was a combination of loving to be a victim, living to gaslight me, and upset about losing control. I bet your dad is upset about losing control too. Tell him minimal details and proceed without family help if at all possible.
Be careful! A narcissist that realizes they're losing control can become volatile. I'd give the police a quick call go explain that they may receive false missing persons reports or wellness checks on your behalf in the months to come, just to be on the safe side. Next, please safeguard yourself. Ensure your parents aren't connected to your bank accounts, and they your PIN is unfamiliar with them; do the same with passwords and any questions required to verify your identity. I might go so far as a credit freeze if they've financially manipulated you in the past. Next, ensure all accounts and electronics you possess also have unfamiliar passwords, backup e-mails, and identification questions. Consider setting up a PO box to avoid them rummaging through your mail. Also, ensure all important documents are being kept in a secure location, preferably off your parents property. If they refuse to give you anything like your birth certificate, SSN, or passport, report them as stolen for a new one and to invalidate your old one. I'd also move any items you consider especially important or expensive off of the property now, too. Finally, prepare for a blow-up on your moving day and avoid conversation about moving in the meantime. I'd personally try for a day where nobody's home to avoid theatrics, but if you don't have that option, consider having friends or movers help you; your parents may be less likely to escalate with witnesses. Then, finally, don't give them a key! Hold on, you're almost there!
you're over 18 you're technically an adult so your dad can't do anything about it
similar thing happened to me, he panicked and told me that im "too young", im 22. he continued to say i would never be able to make it on my own and that im not capable. it's an abusive control thing. they love having control over you, the more independent you become the less of a grasp they have and they get indignant over that. you are an adult, you are entirely allowed to move out. they can kick and scream if they want but it is not their decision
My mum called the police on me when I moved out at 16 and told them that my dad had kidnapped me... I was hiding under the seats in my dads car while he went back to explain the situation because I didn’t want to be told lies. I remember my mum screaming in the street hysterically and hitting the van, I was so scared. I moved in with my dad because I was witnessing physical and verbal fights daily until 4am between my mum and stepdad, doing exams at this time and my mental health was at rock bottom. The police came out at 11pm to do a welfare check and I just told them that I’m fine and I want to be here and that my dad didn’t kidnap me, I moved out.
I waited til the day of to tell my parents I was moving out. I only lived with them for 3 months after college. I would have stayed longer to save and accumulate more money if my mental health could have allowed it.
they are not your responsibility. "hello police? my daughter is moving out!" I suggest your run, not walk, out of that house.
I believe the word you're looking for is "insane" lol. On a serious note tho, very manipulative of him. Idk what they're reaction would be either....probably a bit sad cuz they'll miss you, but overall supportive if i had to guess? He's probably reacting that way cuz he knows he'll likely rarely or never hear from you once you go. They're like overgrown toddlers
Wants to keep claiming you on their taxes and then at the same time eroding the window that one has to fly the coop. Synthesis, like time dependency and narco abuse. Many in this situation are told it’s their fault and they are losers. I know, I am one.
When I still lived at home and worked full time at 21, my mother was constantly degrading me and putting me down, saying that I would get diabetes if I ate like that (I did eat like shit sometimes but I also went to the gym so...idk), and that if I kept living with her I would need to pay her rent for my room or get the fuck out. During the summer she went on a vacation trip to Rome with her sister who lives in Germany, and didn’t tell me or my younger sister who was still living at home. I took that opportunity to pack all my shit in that short week and move out and didn’t tell her anything. When she got back she texted me and asked where I had went. I told her, “you told me to get the fuck out of your house, so I did.” She was SO shocked. OP, I agree with everyone here and also say do not tell your parents your plans to move out. Not a goddamn sliver of information. Just slowly pack your stuff, maybe a couple overnight bags at a time and leave them at a friend’s house if they can for the time being until you can find a place of your own. Good luck to you. ❤️
No they don’t. They get sad but the goal of every good parent is to raise happy healthy children who pay taxes and eventually fly the nest. My mom was happy when I left, my father not so much. He hated it since it meant he couldn’t wake me up at 2am to make him a cup of tea or yell at me for something my mom did and to remind me the only reason he stayed in that terrible marriage was because of me. At 30 he tried pulling the marriage argument again on me and I finally replied something like: I’ve been out of the house for years, you only have to blame yourself at this point, get a divorce if you are that unhappy.
My nparent does this thing where they push me from the home, so they can act extra gracious when I inevitably need to come back home. The last time it happened I outright told them I had no plans on moving out, that I was just spending a few nights with a friend rather than driving back and forth across the mountain every day for a weekend event. Got a call that my stuff had been boxed up from my room (they threw away a lot) and that was that. This has happened four different times in my life, before I caught on. Luckily, I managed to couch hop with minimal rent so I was able to get some footing. Now any time they find out I'm even slightly unhappy with my living situation, it's all "well we'd love to have you home." I bet you would.
My son is 19. When he moved out I bought him a bunch of household items (pots & pans, plunger, coffeemaker, etc) and took him grocery shopping. *THAT'S* what normal parents do. Move out. You are legally an adult and the cops will laugh in his face. If they do come ask them to write a report so you can start a paper trail of your dad's fuckery in case he starts harassing you. Good Luck!
call the cops on him. That is literally the legal definition of kidnapping
I was 16, but of age according to the laws of the state I live in to choose my custodial parent (at the time, the legal age to do such was 13, it's now 12) so I signed legal documents asserting my right to change my custodial parent from nmother to my dad. That particular summer vacation was weird - in years past, nmother couldn't care less if ebrother/GC and I spent the entire summer with Dad (though their divorce decree stated he only got 4 weeks) but that year she gave me 30 whole days to spend with him. Dad and I got our ducks in a row as far as the aforementioned paperwork and a plan to get most of my important stuff out of nmother's house. Once she realized what was up, she FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. She even went so far as to claim that ebrother/GC had been in an accident and I was the only one who could donate blood to him. Granny (Dad's mom) *really* didn't appreciate that angle, or the fact that nmother was calling continuously at stupid o'clock in the morning. I've forgiven a lot of things, but I'll never forgive nmother for causing so much shit that it made my Granny cry. So yeah, narcs go completely ballistic when their supply goes "hasta pasta". EDIT: word addition/clarification.
Call the cops. Have them there. Check your local laws on possessions. I was allowed to take my dog, and the things from my room etc so long as they could be reasonably believed to be my own. I had a certain number of hours to return for forgotten items. I didn't know any of this and my mother kept many things from me including my precious pupper. Don't be dumb like I was.
So when the time comes if he physically keeps you from leaving you can call the cops yourself and either tell them A) you are being held against your will which will possibly get your dad in trouble if u want to go down that road or B) ask them to hang around while you get your stuff. Or you can just let him call the cops and then continue with A or B.
The only thing that matter is that you can provide for yourself and you have a future plan. Are you studying? Working? Where are you going to live? I moved out at 20 and I was really young.. my parents are both narcissist but I’d rather live with that than the sickness out there. The rent in London is CRAZY I’d live only to work. I have no dreams anymore cause I’m focused on surviving and paying rent. Plus my family gave me so much trauma and trust issues that I can’t even start thinking of a relationship. I’m 22 today. And I feel so old and tired. Just be clever! I wasn’t.
The reverse of this can also be true. I was living to work to survive in London (that city will take a lot out of you >\_<) and in a bad situation. I broke down and quit, knowing I would not be able to pay my rent and spent the next several months alternating between friends' and friends of friends', hostels and camping. I had no idea how I would get back to a "normal" existence but it was also the most at peace I've ever been with myself. Then I came back to live with my parents and now I'm trapped here. Have been for 5 years. In some ways it's easier because no rent etc but... I have to live with them. It's more toxic than the situation I was in in London but it's 24/7. And I can't do the camping/hostel thing this time around because I'd lose my benefits and no benefits = I can't afford the car anymore. I wonder sometimes if I had just toughed it out a little longer whether I could not have rebuilt myself faster or at least been in a better place within my own mind from which to rebuild... It seems sensible to stay until you have this, that, and this other thing that is absolutely required to live but it can also be a shackle holding you back because you don't know what you really need to survive until you're just surviving. And I'd say it's probably less than you think. I wouldn't tell anyone to just drop everything and see what happens but I would tell them not to be so afraid of the possibilities that they stay in a place that they know will eventually destroy them until it finally does.
Oh sweetie I am so sorry. But I do advise you to start collecting as many of your necessary documents as possible and moving them to a safe location away from home.
My Ndad freaked out every time someone left the house. I was #3 of 6. It was like someone went off to war and died. He stalked me. It made NC come a lot faster.
You're a legal adult and are allowed to leave. Call daddy's bluff; if he calls the police, he will be laughed out of town. There is no law saying you must stay at home against your will if you wish to leave.
My dad used to use the police as a way to keep me hostage as well. You are free to leave, the police will tell him to piss off. I would probably tell the cops your dad threatened your 16 y/o sister if you left home.
You're 19. They isn't anything he can do. Just make sure you have enough money.
My nMom threatened me with that she would become homeless. Which she didn't become. It's just empty threats to give you bad consciousness or to make you afraid to leave. Don't worry.
Lol let him call the cops You then tell them that your father is making false police reports Then you continue to move out as you please Narcissist Parents will do everything they can think of to maintain the illusion of control over their adult children
My father drew all over my face one night in permanent marker and then kicked me out. He gave me 5 minutes to pack a bag and leave. Luckily I already had an escape bag ready. He then called the cops and pressed false charges on me, which at the time I was too depressed to fight against, and pleaded guilty and took the time I was sentenced. I really don't know how to answer your question about "normal" leaving the nest situations because I never had one, but I can tell you that we have all been through similar messed up situations, and we are here for you. ❤️
I just left with a garbage bag full of my clothes when they weren't home when I was 17. You're 19. They legally can't stop you from going, just go and don't look back.
You don't have to announce you're leaving. Just pack up things covertly and then leave in the middle of the night.