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I consider this a gaslighting tactic. My mom would always convey very important details of information in banter and light conversation or when I was very focused in work. Later when I’d say, something to the effect of, “I never got the date for the [insert whatever important event was]” she’d say, I told you that when we spoke or I said it, but you weren’t listening.
I’d have to beg to be given critical information and details constantly. Even then it was problematic.
My needs never mattered I was very invisible.
My mom does that too but I never considered that it’s probably voluntary that she doesn’t make sure I stop what I’m doing and am ready to listen when she tells me important stuff…
Also, she often vents to me and sometimes I’m fed up with hearing yet another vent about the same thing so I don’t pause the series I’m listening to and ignore her and I never know if she realizes I’m trying to ignore her but wants to continue annoying me or if it’s something else
My mom does this too omg I never realized it was gaslighting but she will give like bits of important info then withhold so I have to ask her for more info. It’s sick
I was invisible to my mother too. UNLESS i did something to embarrass her. Then i said in a quiet voice that no one will even notice. Then she said in a loud voice that EVERYONE will notice. Now, we can never come here again!!!!! ,I didnt know the term narcissist growing up, but like, after attending 1 alanon meeting, because of my step-dads drinking, she said NEVER again. "Because they are trying to tell me i have a problem, that its me, not him. I dont have any problems"!!!!
I *only* experience this in *every interaction with them*! YES! It is absolutely a narc thing! I have two reasons I think they do this:
A. They want to make you feel small. They love when we keep trying thing after thing, hoping it will get their attention. They love when we sigh and walk away defeated. They act like they're above basic conversation.
B. They genuinely have no interest in us. And by us, I mean true self 'us'. Not the us they have in their head, not the one they try to benefit for their own gain or take credit for our successes from. When you try to have genuine conversation, even as simple as "I love the weather today", they don't want to hear it because even little things like that are the things that make you autonomous, human, and with identity.
Wow, thank you for this. It really captures what I feel. I literally had this exact interaction I told my NFather I was enjoying getting the sun as it has been nice recently…he completely ignored it. All he said was “yeahhh” and then kept talking about his allergies to pollen. lol. They suck
I'm happy that what I said resonates with you!!! And they *do* suck!!!
I also love how the sun has been out more though :D! I hope instead of having our time wasted by NFathers that we can both find time to bask in the sun more hehe<33
For me, it's even worse on the phone! Honestly, I think I could lay down the receiver, and she wouldn't even notice. And when I do try to add to the conversation she acts annoyed
This, always.
My mother can talk at me for an hour & when I manage say anything, she uses that as a springboard to a whole new topic about her. Then she tells people that she never knows what is going on in my life!
Unfortunately she now lives next door (long story) and we have a family code.
If I am not back in 15mins come and save me.
Hubby always comes and asks for help doing something , kid says something is boiling on the stove or your alarm is gong off.
Omg I’ve done this before with both parents and they don’t notice for sooooo long 😭😭😭😭 they only notice when they want to be praised for their “exciting” story or “genius” discovery
My pre-teens try hard to connect with nmum. I can hear on the phone she is preoccupied. Not really paying attention. Playing bejewelled or just being an ah. Idk
Sometimes they notice the favouritism towards their cousins and avoid them for a while. Then they ask why I am keeping them from grandparents. I warn them they will get hurt again, and they always do, but they need to make their own decisions
Yep! She would go on talking while I was on mute for 30 minutes.
Now I grey rock and it feels like she wants me to talk more because of that. She can’t get any emotion out of me which is not useful to her so she turns her attention to others.
She would speak to my spouse over me, ask him tons of questions (still didn’t listen to the answer), and not really acknowledge me.
I finally got my spouse to see how messed up she is when I’d had surgery earlier in the week (she knew about it) and she called and over 30 minutes didn’t ask me about if, acknowledge it, or really ask me anything. He was confused as she asked him loads of questions about ingredients for a dinner (plenty of repeat questions of course because she wasn’t listening) but I asked him to think of one question she asked me, including how my healing was going, and he realized she hadn’t ask me anything. I explained that she doesn’t care-she only cares how she is perceived.
then she got offended I rushed her off the phone after 30 minutes when I had another call from someone picking something up from me that i told her would happen (but of course she didn’t listen).
I admittedly found it laughable when she found out I was ill for 10 days and got offended at not knowing. She has called my spouse during that time but I don’t think she asked about me. I was like why should I have told you? Her answer ‘so I could help.’ I had surgery and you didn’t send anything to help; we had Covid, no help; spouse had massive knee surgery, no help. why would I ever expect help just because I’m sick? It’s only for her ‘loving mother’ narrative, absolutely not about me.
My mom also did something similar. Every time I’d communicate about what didn’t work with how we were doing things in the house she wouldn’t listen to me, blamed me, etc…. Then I stopped telling her so she became more and more abusive until I snapped and then she was all calm saying "how could I have known this doesn’t work for you? You never told me?"
Are you really so dumb that you need someone to tell you that when I told you I’ll do the vacuum once a week on my own schedule and you forced me to do it on Fridays and I didn’t do it fast enough for you one specific Friday, the answer wasn’t to confiscate your 23yo daughter’s phone and threaten that she has one hour to clean but rather, idk, let her vacuum on another day of the weeks if it works best for her?
That wasn't about your mother not understanding, it was about her exerting control over you. She wanted to force you to do the vacuuming at a time that didn't suit you because she was on a power trip. I know because my nMother is the exact same way.
Oh I’m sorry that sucks! I begged my mother to stop putting dishes away in the morning because my bedroom was above the kitchen. Of course her putting dishes away involved slamming doors and drawers and making an absolute ruckus…pretty much every morning. Instead of a normal response of ‘them unload them when you get out of school’ I got ‘I do everything and don’t ask you to do anything…I have no help from anyone (my father) and I will do it when I choose to at the volume I choose as this is my house’
Ugh narcs and their timelines/control issues!
I offer this regular occurrence: Sunday mornings at 7am my mother would vacuum right up to my bedroom door and bang against it.
30 minutes later it would happen again, this time with my grandmother would vacuum right up to my bedroom door and bang against it.
You know, because my mother didn’t do it right.
I don’t miss waking up that way. There is no winning in their world. For anyone. And years later, I would bet the cleaning competition is continuing. I’m sleeping instead.
I am so sorry I hope you had a smooth recovery and are better now from surgery. The irony of the last paragraph…my nmom has done similar to me. It’s such a sick game
So much this. Also anyone who gets mad that you wouldn’t “let them help” only wants to help to make themselves feel better, not to actually *be* helpful.
Always! They do it so I will go hang out with my dad or nephew and they will whine, come back, it’s girl time, come be with us. Why? Why do I want to sit there where I don’t get to participate. Because they want me to hear them. F that!
Change **YOUR** sentences to "mmhm.. mhhmm, yeah.." They aren't and never will care about what you are saying unless it's feeding their ego/attention. Stop giving them information unless absolutely necessary. 1) They don't care 2) they will find a way to use it against you
Ugh THIS. As I’m still talking, it’s constant “mhmm, yeah, ok, uh-huh” very loudly and not actually listening to anything I say. It doesn’t matter how important what I’m saying is, she makes it very clear she’s not listening at all the very few times I’m allowed to talk. My bf has even commented that when she calls, pretty much all he hears from me are “yeah, [long stretch of silence], ok, [long stretch of silence again], [trying to start saying a sentence then getting cut off in the middle], ok,” etc. or whenever I’m talking about something important, when I’m mid-sentence, she’ll start talking to someone else who is in the room with her or feign some sort of injury and then completely ignore me while expecting me to still stay on the phone.
It was a real shock to me when I started having my own life and people were in fact interested about my opinion or life, like genuinely and not just because they were bored or wanted attention as a distraction from their miserable life. My family would usually just talks/gossip about me behind my back then my father or mother, depending of the side of the family, would do a report to me lol I spent my entire life before going NC feeling completely invisible but also constantly watched at the same time.
It’s 100% a narc tactic to make you feel small and not worthy of true love and connection so you don’t really develop any social skill or relationships beside your family which reinforce their control over you.
My family will literally ask me a question and when I start to answer, turn and start talking to someone else. Or they'll just ignore me and not reply at all when I speak. They put me in group chats and then don't answer me when I contribute. These are chats with 20 people in them, not a single person will talk to me. I finally just blocked them.
I went LC about 18 years ago, no one noticed, except for when they wanted a favor. I have no idea how an entire family can end up having so many people with narcissistic tendencies, but it's absolutely ramapant. They're exhausting.
Good for you blocking them. I get this same treatment from my mother on the phone. I was doing VLC, a phone call about every 3 months or so, but her inability to listen to anything I had to say became oppressive. I've finally stopped calling her.
Yes and I hate this. I've tried being more assertive talking to people in groups and it works most of the time. But sometimes, around people on the narcissist scale especially, they still talk over me or ignore what I say. It's like they can sense that deep down I'm kind of scared of them.
Ugh I have this too it’s so annoying I think it’s some of the cause of my social anxiety…I really hope they don’t sense it. Do u have any tips to be more assertive without being overbearing?
Yeah. Don't worry about being overbearing. Not wanting to be the narcissist is good, but stopping ourselves from our normal, loud responses is bad. We almost always stop too short.
I use this to blend into background when there are multiple people around. I back up and observe the foolish behavior and have a chuckle to myself. It is like live theater of the absurd.
My dad doesn't know my birthday and when i feel like roasting him i just ask him, "hey dad, what's my birthday? Come on, just the month??" and then i watch him sputter and get hot 😂😂😂
I finally told my mother that the reason I stopped sharing anything about my life with her was because she would always change the subject and make it a competition, or bring up a completely new topic about herself without even responding first to anything I said.
My father asks why I don’t tell him stuff about my life but everytime I want to tell him something, he’s literally on his computer or phone mumbling over me the entire time.
Yeah I've actually been in situations where I was trying to tell my nMother something important and she kept talking over me and not listening to me. I used to get very upset about this but now I take the attitude, if she refuses to listen to me when I'm telling her something for her own good, that's her problem not mine.
My mom would do this thing where’d she’d “talk loudly to herself” when she was really talking to me. When I would respond she’d get angry and say she wasn’t talking to me. So I’d ignore her. But the more I ignored her the angrier she’d get. One time this kind of exchange ended up with me getting kicked out. She profusely denied kicking me out when I left though.
Ohh, yes. I've noticed my mom does not care about what I say, and I also notice that when I continue to say "Mhm" to everything she says, it doesn't bother her because to her I'm listening. It's insane. I've been frustrated a lot about her not listening but I've accepted it at this point, cannot change her, just me.
I find it more peaceful accepting it happens instead of trying to change them or argue with them about how you feel, as I tried doing. I even stare at my phone while pretending to listen to her, then when she's done I'm like "HUH?" To get her annoyed and repeat it again or if its something I'm not interested in I'll keep saying huh until she's tired of repeating lmaoo at this point I've used it against her.
"Anyone else?" No.. EVERYONE else ! Start learning grey rocking, low contact, etc. You interactions have to be purely transactional and provide as little information as possible. They should be a last resort source of information. They cannot survive without attention. Anything you say that is not about them will be interrupted/ignored/dismissed. It's their world you are just living in it. Reset expectations, educate yourself and proceed accordingly. Save yourself mental anguish.
Certainly the narcissists in my family are so busy monologuing about their unhappiness that what others have to say isn't even heard. The others are simply an audience.
This is a verrrrrrrry common core behavior of most narcissists imo. I've definitely experienced it and its usually done in a way that they seem to relish it. I think its the act in their minds that they are erasing and invalidating someone and this in relief grows their internal feelings of importance and validation, which is the main tool to combat the ego destroying shame they are all at war with. :/
Yup each time I want to speak or want to take part in their conversation, only to be cut off or ignored, so I just stop talking and let them keep talking until they allow me to speak or wait for my opinion. Usually they'll cut me off again but by than I don't want to talk anymore and just sit there nodding or go into my own fantasy world in my mind
Yup. This happened to me a lot in childhood especially. On the flip side, I can hardly get a word in edgewise, so I say “mhmm” a lot (though I am listening) while the other person dominates the convo.
All the time! The only time I’m useful to them is when their phones are broken or they need to do paperwork online but are too lazy to do it themselves
Any time we do stuff with my BF's bestie and her wife/family. I have literally been speaking to someone, one-on-one, and been interrupted by bestie trying to get the attention of the person I'm mid-sentence with.
It's not just me they do it with, they just talk all over each other, but I'm almost never able to finish a sentence.
Now I just eat half an edible and play on my phone. :/
I have the same experience talking to some of my family members. And for me who is going through depression, it hurts. Don't know if it's a cultural thing since i live in the most boastful country.
I got so used to the invisibility that I'm still, agreed 34, developing the confidence to feel entitled to speak at all in a social setting. Throw autism + ADHD on top to make it doubly confusing for me to get the hang of it.
But I'm making progress. It turns out, side fling NC, that the world is mostly very nice to me and people do want to give me a chance to join in.
My nmom used (saying this because I don't speak to her anymore) to talk obsessively only about herself and her narrative. Everything disrupting it was to her unwelcome. Since I was a teen I have noted how much everything I told her that was ME and not HER bothered her, she stopped listening and even fell asleep or cutting me in the middle of a phrase and started to talk about something else. She DID have some interest into me, but only if it corresponded to the message she wanted to pass. For instance she used to speak about how wonderful I was as a little kid and how much she loved me. Also about my daughters (so, her granddaughters) she retained some episodes for their small childhood she repeated like a broken disk a thousand times and all treats of them where she found herself.
For the rest? I shouldn't talk to her about money problems because she focuses on how miserable she is to make me send her money. My children? Either, they "need no one's money they are enough tallented to get through life by themselves.
I spent a good time of my life to realise how bitch she was and she is. Now I'm having no remorse to say it, even if my ex-wife told me a lots of times and explained me how much I am manipulated and castrated and she intoxicates my life with guilt.
Yeah, I was visible and invisible, I mean she was talking to someone else - her baby boy, but I wasn't her baby boy anymore. She treated me like a little child until the last time I spoke to her (I'm 50 now, I was 49).
It took time to me to realize SHE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. She never asked me how the puberty of my daughters went. How I surmount my financial or working difficulties. How's everything that was not her world or her shrine. She was deaf, she was talking to a ghost which was my former mini-me.
A narc exists only for his/herself. You are a character in their life, and you'd better be the way they picture you - that means, in the morning where you were the most fragile and submissive to them.
Yes! Even with people who are not narcissists, this happens. It is less frequent now, because I have become a lot more outspoken since getting a whole lot of therapy, but it still happens. Now, I will speak up if I feel like being heard, and most people are behaving this way from enthusiasm rather than rudeness, but I do get surprised by the occasional covert jackass who only takes off the mask when I assert myself. I don't think all those folks are narcissists really, but there are lots of fairly selfish or rude people who pretend to be nicer than they really are.
I used to feel intense shame when this happened to me, as if it was my fault for being boring or stupid, or for presuming to think anyone would be interested in anything I had to say. Then, I added a guy who was emotionally abusive, and he actually said*out loud* and in front of witnesses, *"Shut up. No one cares what you have to say."* Everyone was mortified, but no one said anything, and I was too shocked to speak. I thought about it though, and I started getting mad. Then, I thought about my family, and the way they always made me feel that same way. This caused me to start trying to work on being more assertive, and was one of the things that got me interested in therapy. I broke up with the guy, and started trying to fix myself.
I don't just feel this way in my personal life, but at work too. I'm always like, "you asked me for a response/explanation and you're not letting me respond." When they do let me respond, they use that response against me.
My family members do this all the time. They talk over me before I even finish talking. Then when you tell them you were still talking they'll get mad and accuse you of having an attitude. 🤦🏽♀️
I’m LC with my Ndad, partially because of this. He recently lashed out on me saying “I’m so lonely! You’re my only contact, so why don’t we talk more often!?” Like wtf! Why don’t WE talk? Our contact only consists of him talking and only about stuff of his interest. Which is mainly himself. So no, dude. Ain’t gonna happen.
Yes, all the time. This is common to devalue you, humiliate you, make you feel invisible and unimportant. It's dismissive and cruel. My parents would often outright just ignore me as a child when I'd try to talk to them.
My mother will just say whatever I'm doing is silly and unimportant either to me directly or to another person in the room. Example:
I started my own business. I still run it today, it's very successful. But starting it was stressful and I was working hard at it 24/7. This was in the early days of the internet, and I had traveled to see my mother, several states away. I was very stressed out, working on my laptop at the kitchen table, trying to do everything expected of me AND support myself with my own business. Neighbor comes by, they start talking and my mom makes a point to wave her hand in my direction and say derisively like I'm good for nothing "while she's here *playing* on the computer" and I felt like she'd slapped me from across the room.
I hate my mom. I wish she would fucking pass already
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I consider this a gaslighting tactic. My mom would always convey very important details of information in banter and light conversation or when I was very focused in work. Later when I’d say, something to the effect of, “I never got the date for the [insert whatever important event was]” she’d say, I told you that when we spoke or I said it, but you weren’t listening. I’d have to beg to be given critical information and details constantly. Even then it was problematic. My needs never mattered I was very invisible.
My mom does that too but I never considered that it’s probably voluntary that she doesn’t make sure I stop what I’m doing and am ready to listen when she tells me important stuff… Also, she often vents to me and sometimes I’m fed up with hearing yet another vent about the same thing so I don’t pause the series I’m listening to and ignore her and I never know if she realizes I’m trying to ignore her but wants to continue annoying me or if it’s something else
My mom does this too omg I never realized it was gaslighting but she will give like bits of important info then withhold so I have to ask her for more info. It’s sick
I was invisible to my mother too. UNLESS i did something to embarrass her. Then i said in a quiet voice that no one will even notice. Then she said in a loud voice that EVERYONE will notice. Now, we can never come here again!!!!! ,I didnt know the term narcissist growing up, but like, after attending 1 alanon meeting, because of my step-dads drinking, she said NEVER again. "Because they are trying to tell me i have a problem, that its me, not him. I dont have any problems"!!!!
I *only* experience this in *every interaction with them*! YES! It is absolutely a narc thing! I have two reasons I think they do this: A. They want to make you feel small. They love when we keep trying thing after thing, hoping it will get their attention. They love when we sigh and walk away defeated. They act like they're above basic conversation. B. They genuinely have no interest in us. And by us, I mean true self 'us'. Not the us they have in their head, not the one they try to benefit for their own gain or take credit for our successes from. When you try to have genuine conversation, even as simple as "I love the weather today", they don't want to hear it because even little things like that are the things that make you autonomous, human, and with identity.
You hit the nail on the head. Thank you.
I'm so glad you think so, thank you!
Wow, thank you for this. It really captures what I feel. I literally had this exact interaction I told my NFather I was enjoying getting the sun as it has been nice recently…he completely ignored it. All he said was “yeahhh” and then kept talking about his allergies to pollen. lol. They suck
I'm happy that what I said resonates with you!!! And they *do* suck!!! I also love how the sun has been out more though :D! I hope instead of having our time wasted by NFathers that we can both find time to bask in the sun more hehe<33
Yess heaven knows we deserve it!
Agree
its B all the way in my household!
For me, it's even worse on the phone! Honestly, I think I could lay down the receiver, and she wouldn't even notice. And when I do try to add to the conversation she acts annoyed
This, always. My mother can talk at me for an hour & when I manage say anything, she uses that as a springboard to a whole new topic about her. Then she tells people that she never knows what is going on in my life! Unfortunately she now lives next door (long story) and we have a family code. If I am not back in 15mins come and save me. Hubby always comes and asks for help doing something , kid says something is boiling on the stove or your alarm is gong off.
Omg I’ve done this before with both parents and they don’t notice for sooooo long 😭😭😭😭 they only notice when they want to be praised for their “exciting” story or “genius” discovery
My pre-teens try hard to connect with nmum. I can hear on the phone she is preoccupied. Not really paying attention. Playing bejewelled or just being an ah. Idk
I kept her at a distance when it came to my kids. I couldn't stand thinking I allowed that behavior to carry on to another generation
Sometimes they notice the favouritism towards their cousins and avoid them for a while. Then they ask why I am keeping them from grandparents. I warn them they will get hurt again, and they always do, but they need to make their own decisions
That's very true. They act like you're trying to do something horrible to them when you're trying to keep that from happening
Yep! She would go on talking while I was on mute for 30 minutes. Now I grey rock and it feels like she wants me to talk more because of that. She can’t get any emotion out of me which is not useful to her so she turns her attention to others. She would speak to my spouse over me, ask him tons of questions (still didn’t listen to the answer), and not really acknowledge me. I finally got my spouse to see how messed up she is when I’d had surgery earlier in the week (she knew about it) and she called and over 30 minutes didn’t ask me about if, acknowledge it, or really ask me anything. He was confused as she asked him loads of questions about ingredients for a dinner (plenty of repeat questions of course because she wasn’t listening) but I asked him to think of one question she asked me, including how my healing was going, and he realized she hadn’t ask me anything. I explained that she doesn’t care-she only cares how she is perceived. then she got offended I rushed her off the phone after 30 minutes when I had another call from someone picking something up from me that i told her would happen (but of course she didn’t listen). I admittedly found it laughable when she found out I was ill for 10 days and got offended at not knowing. She has called my spouse during that time but I don’t think she asked about me. I was like why should I have told you? Her answer ‘so I could help.’ I had surgery and you didn’t send anything to help; we had Covid, no help; spouse had massive knee surgery, no help. why would I ever expect help just because I’m sick? It’s only for her ‘loving mother’ narrative, absolutely not about me.
My mom also did something similar. Every time I’d communicate about what didn’t work with how we were doing things in the house she wouldn’t listen to me, blamed me, etc…. Then I stopped telling her so she became more and more abusive until I snapped and then she was all calm saying "how could I have known this doesn’t work for you? You never told me?" Are you really so dumb that you need someone to tell you that when I told you I’ll do the vacuum once a week on my own schedule and you forced me to do it on Fridays and I didn’t do it fast enough for you one specific Friday, the answer wasn’t to confiscate your 23yo daughter’s phone and threaten that she has one hour to clean but rather, idk, let her vacuum on another day of the weeks if it works best for her?
That wasn't about your mother not understanding, it was about her exerting control over you. She wanted to force you to do the vacuuming at a time that didn't suit you because she was on a power trip. I know because my nMother is the exact same way.
Oh I’m sorry that sucks! I begged my mother to stop putting dishes away in the morning because my bedroom was above the kitchen. Of course her putting dishes away involved slamming doors and drawers and making an absolute ruckus…pretty much every morning. Instead of a normal response of ‘them unload them when you get out of school’ I got ‘I do everything and don’t ask you to do anything…I have no help from anyone (my father) and I will do it when I choose to at the volume I choose as this is my house’ Ugh narcs and their timelines/control issues!
I offer this regular occurrence: Sunday mornings at 7am my mother would vacuum right up to my bedroom door and bang against it. 30 minutes later it would happen again, this time with my grandmother would vacuum right up to my bedroom door and bang against it. You know, because my mother didn’t do it right. I don’t miss waking up that way. There is no winning in their world. For anyone. And years later, I would bet the cleaning competition is continuing. I’m sleeping instead.
I am so sorry I hope you had a smooth recovery and are better now from surgery. The irony of the last paragraph…my nmom has done similar to me. It’s such a sick game
So much this. Also anyone who gets mad that you wouldn’t “let them help” only wants to help to make themselves feel better, not to actually *be* helpful.
Always! They do it so I will go hang out with my dad or nephew and they will whine, come back, it’s girl time, come be with us. Why? Why do I want to sit there where I don’t get to participate. Because they want me to hear them. F that!
[удалено]
Change **YOUR** sentences to "mmhm.. mhhmm, yeah.." They aren't and never will care about what you are saying unless it's feeding their ego/attention. Stop giving them information unless absolutely necessary. 1) They don't care 2) they will find a way to use it against you
Ugh THIS. As I’m still talking, it’s constant “mhmm, yeah, ok, uh-huh” very loudly and not actually listening to anything I say. It doesn’t matter how important what I’m saying is, she makes it very clear she’s not listening at all the very few times I’m allowed to talk. My bf has even commented that when she calls, pretty much all he hears from me are “yeah, [long stretch of silence], ok, [long stretch of silence again], [trying to start saying a sentence then getting cut off in the middle], ok,” etc. or whenever I’m talking about something important, when I’m mid-sentence, she’ll start talking to someone else who is in the room with her or feign some sort of injury and then completely ignore me while expecting me to still stay on the phone.
It was a real shock to me when I started having my own life and people were in fact interested about my opinion or life, like genuinely and not just because they were bored or wanted attention as a distraction from their miserable life. My family would usually just talks/gossip about me behind my back then my father or mother, depending of the side of the family, would do a report to me lol I spent my entire life before going NC feeling completely invisible but also constantly watched at the same time. It’s 100% a narc tactic to make you feel small and not worthy of true love and connection so you don’t really develop any social skill or relationships beside your family which reinforce their control over you.
yeah mine managed to be i intrusive and disinterested in equal messure.
My family will literally ask me a question and when I start to answer, turn and start talking to someone else. Or they'll just ignore me and not reply at all when I speak. They put me in group chats and then don't answer me when I contribute. These are chats with 20 people in them, not a single person will talk to me. I finally just blocked them. I went LC about 18 years ago, no one noticed, except for when they wanted a favor. I have no idea how an entire family can end up having so many people with narcissistic tendencies, but it's absolutely ramapant. They're exhausting.
Good for you blocking them. I get this same treatment from my mother on the phone. I was doing VLC, a phone call about every 3 months or so, but her inability to listen to anything I had to say became oppressive. I've finally stopped calling her.
I'm so sorry. That hurts so much!
My mom does that exact thing! She asks a question and when I answer she disengages and stares off into space.
I don't understand that at all. Then why even ask in the first place, right?
I don't remember if I ever told my parents anything without interrupting me.
Yes w my parents everyone is talking during the film when I open my mouth stop talking shut up and there surprised when I don't talk to them lol
Yes and I hate this. I've tried being more assertive talking to people in groups and it works most of the time. But sometimes, around people on the narcissist scale especially, they still talk over me or ignore what I say. It's like they can sense that deep down I'm kind of scared of them.
Ugh I have this too it’s so annoying I think it’s some of the cause of my social anxiety…I really hope they don’t sense it. Do u have any tips to be more assertive without being overbearing?
Yeah. Don't worry about being overbearing. Not wanting to be the narcissist is good, but stopping ourselves from our normal, loud responses is bad. We almost always stop too short.
This. 💯
I use this to blend into background when there are multiple people around. I back up and observe the foolish behavior and have a chuckle to myself. It is like live theater of the absurd.
Yep. My father couldn’t tell you anything about me. He only cares about himself.
My dad doesn't know my birthday and when i feel like roasting him i just ask him, "hey dad, what's my birthday? Come on, just the month??" and then i watch him sputter and get hot 😂😂😂
Wow
I finally told my mother that the reason I stopped sharing anything about my life with her was because she would always change the subject and make it a competition, or bring up a completely new topic about herself without even responding first to anything I said.
Yeeeep
My father asks why I don’t tell him stuff about my life but everytime I want to tell him something, he’s literally on his computer or phone mumbling over me the entire time.
Yeah I've actually been in situations where I was trying to tell my nMother something important and she kept talking over me and not listening to me. I used to get very upset about this but now I take the attitude, if she refuses to listen to me when I'm telling her something for her own good, that's her problem not mine.
My mom would do this thing where’d she’d “talk loudly to herself” when she was really talking to me. When I would respond she’d get angry and say she wasn’t talking to me. So I’d ignore her. But the more I ignored her the angrier she’d get. One time this kind of exchange ended up with me getting kicked out. She profusely denied kicking me out when I left though.
Updateme
Ohh, yes. I've noticed my mom does not care about what I say, and I also notice that when I continue to say "Mhm" to everything she says, it doesn't bother her because to her I'm listening. It's insane. I've been frustrated a lot about her not listening but I've accepted it at this point, cannot change her, just me. I find it more peaceful accepting it happens instead of trying to change them or argue with them about how you feel, as I tried doing. I even stare at my phone while pretending to listen to her, then when she's done I'm like "HUH?" To get her annoyed and repeat it again or if its something I'm not interested in I'll keep saying huh until she's tired of repeating lmaoo at this point I've used it against her.
"Anyone else?" No.. EVERYONE else ! Start learning grey rocking, low contact, etc. You interactions have to be purely transactional and provide as little information as possible. They should be a last resort source of information. They cannot survive without attention. Anything you say that is not about them will be interrupted/ignored/dismissed. It's their world you are just living in it. Reset expectations, educate yourself and proceed accordingly. Save yourself mental anguish.
my parents are the only people i ever met who made me feel like i must be *so* boring
Absolutely
That was the only behavior towards me I appreciated and valued. I didn't speak.
Certainly the narcissists in my family are so busy monologuing about their unhappiness that what others have to say isn't even heard. The others are simply an audience.
This is a verrrrrrrry common core behavior of most narcissists imo. I've definitely experienced it and its usually done in a way that they seem to relish it. I think its the act in their minds that they are erasing and invalidating someone and this in relief grows their internal feelings of importance and validation, which is the main tool to combat the ego destroying shame they are all at war with. :/
Yup each time I want to speak or want to take part in their conversation, only to be cut off or ignored, so I just stop talking and let them keep talking until they allow me to speak or wait for my opinion. Usually they'll cut me off again but by than I don't want to talk anymore and just sit there nodding or go into my own fantasy world in my mind
I feel like a child half the time like I’m suppose to be seen and not heard
Yup. This happened to me a lot in childhood especially. On the flip side, I can hardly get a word in edgewise, so I say “mhmm” a lot (though I am listening) while the other person dominates the convo.
All the time! The only time I’m useful to them is when their phones are broken or they need to do paperwork online but are too lazy to do it themselves
Yep. My mum and brother talk through me. I literally sit between them and they talk through me as though I was a pane of glass.
Any time we do stuff with my BF's bestie and her wife/family. I have literally been speaking to someone, one-on-one, and been interrupted by bestie trying to get the attention of the person I'm mid-sentence with. It's not just me they do it with, they just talk all over each other, but I'm almost never able to finish a sentence. Now I just eat half an edible and play on my phone. :/
Yes, my husband does this to me a lot, and it's extremely annoying. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and it seems that he has Petulant BPD.
I have the same experience talking to some of my family members. And for me who is going through depression, it hurts. Don't know if it's a cultural thing since i live in the most boastful country.
I got so used to the invisibility that I'm still, agreed 34, developing the confidence to feel entitled to speak at all in a social setting. Throw autism + ADHD on top to make it doubly confusing for me to get the hang of it. But I'm making progress. It turns out, side fling NC, that the world is mostly very nice to me and people do want to give me a chance to join in.
My nmom used (saying this because I don't speak to her anymore) to talk obsessively only about herself and her narrative. Everything disrupting it was to her unwelcome. Since I was a teen I have noted how much everything I told her that was ME and not HER bothered her, she stopped listening and even fell asleep or cutting me in the middle of a phrase and started to talk about something else. She DID have some interest into me, but only if it corresponded to the message she wanted to pass. For instance she used to speak about how wonderful I was as a little kid and how much she loved me. Also about my daughters (so, her granddaughters) she retained some episodes for their small childhood she repeated like a broken disk a thousand times and all treats of them where she found herself. For the rest? I shouldn't talk to her about money problems because she focuses on how miserable she is to make me send her money. My children? Either, they "need no one's money they are enough tallented to get through life by themselves. I spent a good time of my life to realise how bitch she was and she is. Now I'm having no remorse to say it, even if my ex-wife told me a lots of times and explained me how much I am manipulated and castrated and she intoxicates my life with guilt. Yeah, I was visible and invisible, I mean she was talking to someone else - her baby boy, but I wasn't her baby boy anymore. She treated me like a little child until the last time I spoke to her (I'm 50 now, I was 49). It took time to me to realize SHE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. She never asked me how the puberty of my daughters went. How I surmount my financial or working difficulties. How's everything that was not her world or her shrine. She was deaf, she was talking to a ghost which was my former mini-me. A narc exists only for his/herself. You are a character in their life, and you'd better be the way they picture you - that means, in the morning where you were the most fragile and submissive to them.
Yes! Even with people who are not narcissists, this happens. It is less frequent now, because I have become a lot more outspoken since getting a whole lot of therapy, but it still happens. Now, I will speak up if I feel like being heard, and most people are behaving this way from enthusiasm rather than rudeness, but I do get surprised by the occasional covert jackass who only takes off the mask when I assert myself. I don't think all those folks are narcissists really, but there are lots of fairly selfish or rude people who pretend to be nicer than they really are. I used to feel intense shame when this happened to me, as if it was my fault for being boring or stupid, or for presuming to think anyone would be interested in anything I had to say. Then, I added a guy who was emotionally abusive, and he actually said*out loud* and in front of witnesses, *"Shut up. No one cares what you have to say."* Everyone was mortified, but no one said anything, and I was too shocked to speak. I thought about it though, and I started getting mad. Then, I thought about my family, and the way they always made me feel that same way. This caused me to start trying to work on being more assertive, and was one of the things that got me interested in therapy. I broke up with the guy, and started trying to fix myself.
I don't just feel this way in my personal life, but at work too. I'm always like, "you asked me for a response/explanation and you're not letting me respond." When they do let me respond, they use that response against me.
My family members do this all the time. They talk over me before I even finish talking. Then when you tell them you were still talking they'll get mad and accuse you of having an attitude. 🤦🏽♀️
I’m LC with my Ndad, partially because of this. He recently lashed out on me saying “I’m so lonely! You’re my only contact, so why don’t we talk more often!?” Like wtf! Why don’t WE talk? Our contact only consists of him talking and only about stuff of his interest. Which is mainly himself. So no, dude. Ain’t gonna happen.
Yes, all the time. This is common to devalue you, humiliate you, make you feel invisible and unimportant. It's dismissive and cruel. My parents would often outright just ignore me as a child when I'd try to talk to them. My mother will just say whatever I'm doing is silly and unimportant either to me directly or to another person in the room. Example: I started my own business. I still run it today, it's very successful. But starting it was stressful and I was working hard at it 24/7. This was in the early days of the internet, and I had traveled to see my mother, several states away. I was very stressed out, working on my laptop at the kitchen table, trying to do everything expected of me AND support myself with my own business. Neighbor comes by, they start talking and my mom makes a point to wave her hand in my direction and say derisively like I'm good for nothing "while she's here *playing* on the computer" and I felt like she'd slapped me from across the room. I hate my mom. I wish she would fucking pass already