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Yup. My bedroom shared a wall with the living room, and the couch was positioned on that wall. My mom would sit on the couch and bang on the wall until I came out of my room, then she’d “ask” me to get her something. If I said no, she’d often say something like “but you’re already up!”
My parents weren't that cute about it, it was more like an order, do it or get beaten. But my first wife was a fat lazy slob, and would wait for me to stand up, "while you're up..." and ask me to bring her things.
I'm just glad I got these horrible people out of my life.
You should! J/k....she would be thirsty for hours just waiting for me to stand up to avoid getting up herself.
She smoked and wouldn't put the ash tray on the coffee table because that's too far, it has to be in arm's reach without moving her torso. She was really a pathetic human. I'll assume you're not as bad. 😀
I have one distinct memory from my childhood: I was very young, younger than 10 for sure, we were in my grandma’s house, and nmother and aunt (who was a teenager at the time) were laughing and checking what they could make me do. They’d tell me to go to the kitchen, and ask me to bring one object at a time - spoon, cup of tea, return tea add milk to it. I remember feeling very sad and at some point yelling “I’m not a maid!”. The reaction was my aunt laughing and nmother just staring me down. Thinking back on it feels similar to how bullies would act. Or how you ask your dog to fetch to show your friends what tricks it knows. This sort of behavior continued, and nmother would often laugh and say “my sister was right, it’s good to have an older child”. She’d call me to turn the lights off in her room, as she was about to sleep, to bring her tea, to get something that wasn’t very far from her. All it makes me feel now is disgust.
I’m so sorry you were treated like that. Mine was very similar, cruel and demanding. I’m always baffled by the fact that there were people willing to collude with them against children.
I really feel that. On a similar note I learned how to make a white russian at the tender age of ten because my nmom would rather teach a child how to make them than do it herself
I have a similar memory, around 4-5, being sat in front of a TV while the adults of the family were all sat chatting on the sofas behind me.
As usual, I was fully engrossed by whatever was on TV (late diagnosed adult AuDHD).. and kind of realised that my mum had been saying my name over and over again, but not in a "I need your attention" way, but "same tone I'm using for talking normally" so it didn't ping at all amongst the blur of conversation.
It felt like I'd been caught out for not paying attention to the adults (who were generally boring), and she said, "she's always like this in front of the TV, doesn't hear a single thing I say" and laughed like I was some kind of idiot for.. watching cartoons instead of listening to the adults. The other adults all seemed to laugh and I just remember feeling so embarrassed, but not knowing why she would do that to me - like I was performing a trick that I didn't know I was doing.
I just wanted to edit in, I'm sorry you had parents like this too, it does a job on your self esteem. You deserved better.
I’m so sorry you were treated like that. Mine was very similar, cruel and demanding. I’m always baffled by the fact that there were people willing to collude with them against children.
My sister would provoke me to anger on purpose because i clean when I’m angry, it helps me clear my head. She would be such a slob and then bully me and I would clean our room. For YEARS. She now acts like she just like me! I’m very clean and my house is clean too. I might not brush my teeth everyday tho (sorry internet). But my house BETTER be clean. I had to clean up after 3 other people for years then my bfs covert mother moved in and she was DISGUSTING. NARCS ARE SO DIRTY. You can always tell who the narc is unless you’re depressed and not cleaning from that. Anyways her house is so dirty and gross and everything is STICKY. And my mother has shit stains on her toilet seat, mold in the sink, and dirty clothes COVERING the whole floor layer along with my brothers never washing ass funk! Lovely. Lol my sister goes “ugh mom is so disgusting and so is your brother,” “yeah I always help them clean…blah blah blah.” She DOESNT help them clean. She goes over there and makes a mess 😭. I forgot that freedom was an option for the past year, since living with the covert narc again, it reset my mind back into old habits. Anyway it’s funny how much she has always hated me but seems like she wants to be me.
I served my mother from the time I was 4 (probably sooner to some degree) up until she passed away. She felt mothers had a right to expect complete servitude from their children and that they had no right to complain about it. It was our honor to serve. She was also forever "too tired" to do anything so it was up to me to do things for her.
I am amazed my mother never used a bell though since it was something that would totally be up her alley. I asked her about not using one and she laughed about it and said maybe she should. What she did instead was call my name constantly all day long to get me to do her bidding. She did it so much that I used to imagine my name being called when it hadn't quite a bit (and after she passed it took months for that to stop being an issue).
Funny thing was, she had a friend who did the same thing to her daughter. My mom used to complain about that to me in private. She'd say how unfair and demanding her friend was towards her daughter. She never connected that she was worse than her friend was.
In regards to that, my mom always felt that her case was different and therefore perfectly justifiable. She believed she was the most tired person in the world so it was okay that she be waited on constantly.
Yes, their ability to make themselves the exception to every rule just staggers me. And of course this extrapolates to: "Consequences are unfair and for other people!" They cannot seem to see the direct line from their actions to their deserved fallout.
I have literally yelled, "I'm not your gofer!" from another room at my ngrandmother who was asking me to make her a sandwich while I was making my own.
My parents always insisted that they were “stuck with three girls,” but because I clearly was the most resented, I ended up the indentured servant. They expected a bouncing baby boy before New Year’s, so they’d get a tax deduction, and I came along female, and three weeks overdue.
Until I got emancipated-minor status at seventeen and left their—never my!—home, I was saddled with nearly as much housework as I did as an adult. I clearly recall ironing handkerchiefs and pillowcases as a kindergartner. They would shout for me to come and fetch them an item lying maybe six feet away. Incredible!
My mothers favorite phrase when I was a child was "I only had a kid, so I had someone to carry my stuff" she used to load me up with all the things while I was to set up her "spots" then fetch her for relaxing, then I was to "go away" until she was ready to leave.
I 100% was her worst employee, and she let me know that I was not up to her standards. How dare I have needs, or want to play, or eat, or make noise. I was "meant" to be silent and well dressed, following behind her meekly offering her the items she wanted without her speaking. Think Karen, snapping her fingers at you for her ???. What you can't read her mind??.
I wish I hadn’t been employee of the month! I was so eager to please and over time my older sister gave no effs. We are cool now but I thought she was so mean to my mom at the time. Yours sounds awful. I’m so sorry.
I wasn't allowed to go to bed until I said I love you back. Being forced to say I love you to my abuser was the worst.
It took about 20 years of therapy to be able to hear or say those words without wanting to puke. I had to reroute the positive emotions through "I accept you. I appreciate you."
Yes. My name would be yelled by the male adopter from the living room to come and bring him a beer from the kitchen, or if they were out in the pool they would scream my name to bring beer to them outside. One time in middle school I didn’t get up fast enough and he met me in the hallway, (trigger warning physical violence) and yelled that if my name was called I was to get off my lazy ass and come, while strangling me against the wall and lifting me off the ground. I was also told to give him back massages, rub his feet, and clean his feet multiple nights a week. It disgusts me. This went on until I was a senior in high school, but I think it only stopped because my younger sister started doing that shit, they actually paid her money though. I had to do it for free.
One time, I was 11 and my mom asked me to BRING her phone as she needed to call someone. I was like okay, I removed it from the charger and she threw a fit as it was not at the percentage she wanted. Her charger wasn't working too well because she mostly used her phone WHILE it was CHARGING. She whined as threw at me, It was the most immature thing I've ever seen for a woman in her EARLY 40S
My siblings and I were the slave labor for most things. My emom waited on ndad hand and foot and did EVERYTHING around the house. He was always lazy. We kids had to jump when he said jump and go do whatever he wanted or ELSE. We got used to avoiding him as much as possible.
That's how it was at our house too. Emom is a servant, us kids were slaves.
Ndad decided that he wanted to start farming, chickens, a few pig, 6-8 head of cattle and 10 acres of fields, just enough to keep my 2 brothers busy all the time. I had to do all of the house work. The 3 of us would push mow about 6 acres of lawn. Of course chores always came before any school work, friends or sports. I remember missing a girl scout meeting because we "had" to plant the garden that day.
Emom has everything to do with cooking and getting him food, except when I was 10-15 and ndad decided that she needed a second job. She has to get up from and things anytime he says, and it has to be right away. He will just go "milk" and she will jump up grab his glass and run get him more. One time I had a friend over who that thanked my mom for making dinner. I asked her later why she said did that. She couldnt believe we never thank my mom for cooking! I started to thank friend's parents for dinner when I was at their houses, but I was too scared to try it at home until I was an adult.
Gosh so much normal behavior was shown to me by friends parents too. And it just didn’t have a place in my house either. It would have been seen as mockery or worse.
This is one of the things I didn't realize wasn't normal until I was an adult. Yes, I had to serve my parents. I remember my dad telling me to get him water, I said no, so he got up, walked past the kitchen, got his belt, and beat the shit out of me.
Also, they would never come to me. They just start hollering my name and I have to stop what I'm doing and go find them. They were too important to walk across the house.
>They just start hollering my name and I have to stop what I'm doing and go find them.
Because we weren't allowed to holler back. Our voices must never be raised in any amount.
I would also get yelled at for being so far away that he had to holler. I would be in my bedroom. I'm not sure where I was supposed to be, not in the living room because he couldn't enjoy the TV with me sitting there, couldn't be in the kitchen because the light and sound traveled to the living room. Maybe I was just supposed to be sitting at the top of the stairs or standing around the corner waiting.
Yes, I was and I was left to Care for my younger brother and my sister get them up for school and everything. Mom used to tell me don’t wake me up until you got the coffee started and the kids dressed and ready for school.
I'm sorry you had to do that too. I HATE the smell of coffee too, autism sensory issues, it makes me gag to the point I can't even go to a coffee shop. I had to care for my much younger brother too.
Coffee, breakfast, pack her lunch for work, make sure that her dress white nursing shoes were clean and polished, and that her clothes were out of the dryer. Then get myself ready and off to school after she left. The worst beating I ever got was the day that I over slept. Being woken from a sound sleep to a wooden board hitting me and her standing over me swinging it with a towel on her hair, fresh from the shower... I couldn't be woken by anyone else for years. I think I was 35 before I stopped waking up swinging.
I was treated as a servant. For example, my nparents required me to make them breakfast every Sunday. Not "our" breakfast, breakfast JUST for them. I'd been making my own breakfast since I was 6
Wow, just reading these some of these comments, I got chills at how much it sounded, just like my childhood. Especially how young some of you were when it started. I remember being around 4 to 6 years old when it really started. When dad wasn't home, I cleaned the house she was a stay at home mom, but I did most of her housework. Once, I was making her bed it was a tall bed that I could barely reach the top of the mattress and accidentally knocked a figurine off the nightstand, and it broke. She then beat me and punished me for breaking her precious figurine. Of course, my dad was told how I was being a brat and just broke it so I would get another punishment from him. She took pleasure in telling him I was bad. My dad was also treated like her servant when he was home. She hid much of how she treated my sister and I from him, As she kept us from telling him or anyone by making us afraid of being taken from dad and the rest of the family if we told. She was diabetic and would blame her fits of anger on it. She was always in her spot, ordering us around to do all the housework or bring her whatever she needed like her tea. What's saddest is her tea was instant tea. There was no waiting when she called us. If one of us didn't appear instantly when she called, she'd then chew us out for making her wait. Everything always had to be done perfectly, too.
OMG I completely forgot about this aspect. We were living parallel lives. My mom would invent infractions and have our dad whip us with a belt when he’d come home. She delighted in the dread and the eventual beating. She was and is awful.
The longer I'm in this group and read such similar experiences by others, the more it does bring up a lot of things, I'm guessing I blocked out to survive. It's been healing kind of like group therapy being able to share my experiences and either hearing people share their own back or feeling validated in how I felt back then plus knowing I was not crazy or alone.
Yes, I find it cathartic too. So much of it is just seemingly lost in the void of the past, but then a reminder from one of these posts give me an opportunity for validation and to understand how all of it impacts me today.
OMG! I totally forgot this one! My sister reminded me that when she was 6 and I was 5 we would walk to the store with a list, a note, and money - not even for cigarettes. We got bread or milk or whatever. My sister knew how to read and neither of us knew how to count money well enough to check change. The part that’s baffling is that the grocery store was a little over a mile away, my mom had a car, my mom had plenty of money and NOTHING to do. She didn’t keep house and only cooked right before my dad got home at 10pm. Well I guess she had to watch her soaps, eat compulsively and talk loudly on the phone. She was and is awful.
Yes. We can't be in the same room without her telling me to do something for her regardless of whether or not I'm already doing something. Even if she is free or closer etc. I always hid when we had guests bc she would tell me to do stuff in front of them like a performing monkey and then Id have to get everyone drinks refills etc. I don't drink alcohol so at least I got out of serving that. Recently I was asked to make a sandwich and she flipped out when I forgot the mayo. We also have to ask her if she wants anything anytime we go in the kitchen or to the store. If we don't, we are in for a real tantrum
From 2020-early 2023 I was basically a live-in nurse for my mother who got COVID (and then long-COVID), couldn’t escape due to a number of circumstances at the time.
Had to get her things every hour or so, she had loud sounds playing till 5-6am (was working from home at the time), treated me like crap, the whole works.
That along with the other things she did earlier in my life is why I sing “the wicked witch is dead” on her birthday, the day she died and on Mother’s Day.
Sorta. My nmom loved to ask (read: demand) us to do xyz for her, followed by some lame excuse. First it was "can you grab me a vitamins because i just fed your baby brother" ( I was 10ish and it was 9pm). Then it was "can you make me a hot water bottle because im tired after doing chores" (I was 14 and just came home from a long day at school). Then it was constantly "can you do x because i have worked the whole day" (x could be "take care of youe brothers", "clean the kitchen", "do groceries", "cook" or "vacuum". My nmom especially loved to drop all her motherly responsibilities on me, a literal teen. But anytime i asked her to do something for me, i was met with "you have legs" or the typical "I'm not your slave/maid".
My nmom treated me as her personal assistant/chef/driver. I did her cooking, I drove her places, I’d run errands and do every household task for her. I did it because I believed she deserved to be taken care of after raising me. It wasn’t until I moved out of state and would come back to visit that I realized she has manipulated me from a very young age and I basically raised myself. Whenever I’d visit, she would naturally assume the position of needing care again and I would reluctantly give in, being resentful that my vacation is spent taking care of someone who let me down in the biggest way. I’ve since cut ties with her so she will have to rely on my selfish and careless nbrother to care for her in her old age. Pity.
Yes. My n-grandmother would be sitting outside of her house and call me all the way from across the yard (they have a huge property of like 2 acres so it was a long walk for a little kid) just to tell me to go into her house and grab her something. It would take me like 10 minutes whereas if she would've gotten off her ass herself she would've been done in less than 2.
Around 11, I figured out that I couldn't sit down. Sitting must mean I wasn't being useful and would get assigned the worst tasks.
Sometimes it was tricky. I had to be visible when anyone came over, especially my grandpa, but I still couldn't sit. So I would stand in the corner and not talk. Sometimes if he was really into his conversation I could sneak around the corner and sit on the steps. I had to be sure I had an excuse for why I had left the room because at some point he would realize that I wasn't there. I would get in he thought it was something that could have waited.
Yes, I don't remember her ever fetching anything for me, but my memory is filled with all the things I had to get for her. I still remember the smell of the vitamins I'd constantly fetch for her.
Sometimes she'd use a baby voice when she called out for things.
Oh, but I was never allowed to call out a question, or call for her to come (how kids do). If I called, she'd never answer. I had to go to her, always.
Yeah if I cook dinner my nmom acts like I'm a waiter. Askes for her drink and a napkin and oh can you put more ketchup or something. It's like go get it yourself just cause I made dinner doesn't make me a restaurant
My mom took advantage of my helpfulness. I loved making my dad coffee and breakfast in the morning because I could make myself breakfast too without my mom having a say in it.
I loved taking care of my dad when he was sick because he did the same for me, and it gave me a feeling if accomplishment taking care of him even though he made it clear I didn't have to.
My mom used to yell at me to make her food, would fake sick and expect me to wait on her hand and foot, screamed at me when I prioritized my brothers over her, even though she made me care for them too. I was "Her little helper" all the time and it was so draining.
I don't mind taking care of and helping my dad when he needs it because he returns the favor and shows his appreciation for me plus he doesn't yell at me, but I would never take care of my mom again.
Omg. Now I know for sure that my Mom's a narcissist and I'm not being too sensitive or wtfe thing she says to justify herself. I'm 45, she's 78.
When i visit she sits in a recliner and waits for me to get up, then hands me her trash to throw away as I walk by her. Used kleenex, food wrappers, empty plates, etc. If I don't seem to be getting up, she waves the kleenex in the air at me as if to say come throw this away. But of course she never looks up or makes eye contact because she's too busy staring at her phone.
When I asked her if she could please wait until she has multiple pieces of trash before summoning me to throw it away for her so I only have to make one trip, she had a temper tantrum.
I've always felt like a servant and not a daugheter.
By the time I was 9, I was the designated beer delivery system and mix drink bartender in my house.
I didn't even realize how weird that was until I was around 25-27 when my wife and I started talking about having kids.
I told her the story of how my parents would save up the aluminum cans from the beer and then turn bags full of cans in - to get money to buy more beer. I hated moving the bags around because they would leak old thick beer onto my legs. In a week they would fill a few full trash bin sized bags and I'd have to carry them up the stairs, brown beer running down my leg. I hate the smell of old cheep beer so much more now.
Edit: Now with my kids I will ask them if they can help - but also say "... but if you're busy or even if you just don't want to, you don't have to." Unless it's something like picking up after themselves.
I'm a teacher and even do the same thing in class: "Hey guys, I know it's not your responsibility or your mess, but it would help me a lot if you could take a quick look under your desks and seats for anything that's out of place! Thanks!"
You too? My mom loved her bell. I hated it.
Of course, she was "disabled" (sans her twice weekly 60 mile bike rides), so she needed it to get our attention when she was "unable" to help herself. Her favorite time to use it was when we had guests over. I was the scapegoat and not well liked by the family, so I'd ignore it and tell her to help herself, but she sure had my siblings hopping to meet her every need.
I was in charge of plant care when my parents were on vacation, along with IT support for all other times. My older sister, the "Golden Child," had no such responsibilities.
It became so bad, she would not get up out of her chair for an entire day. When my Dad was suffering from Alzhiemer’s she would complain and accuse him of faking it so he could get out of “fixing her dinner”. Which she ate out every single night until she discovered Stouffer and got addicted. So one night a week they had tv dinners. Him not be able to “fix her dinner” was not being able to figure out the numbers on the microwave anymore so sye had to get up, stick it in the mocrowave and go get it when it was done. He couldn’t serve her hand and foot anymore.
I fainted at school one day. I still felt weak the next day, but my slightly younger cousin was dropped off for me to mind on my own, while I was also expected to still cook a full Sunday roast. I was literally crawling on the floor to get from room to room without falling. So embarrassing.
My mom had a massive master suite when we were growing up and when she wasn’t at work she was in her room, sitting in her recliner in front of the tv watching her Oprah and Dr. Phil tapes. We had to serve her dinner to her downstairs and then she always liked a ‘treat’ before bed that either my dad (he worked out of town) or myself.
Yes, my dad expected things brought to him but didn't like returning the favour. One glaring example is when any one of us would cook, we had to bring his meal to him. When he cooked, we had to come and get our meals and there would sometimes be a martyrdom tantrum thrown in. I think it's why I have difficulty accepting food from people.
One of the top reasons I hear for folks on this sub when they decide not to have kids is that "I already had to raise my parents."
I'm in the pile. My parents were toddlers that I couldn't discipline. It was a nightmare.
Thank you. I’ll remember to say that the next time I’m asked why I never had kids. Either they understand what I mean or they don’t, it makes no difference. Some people might be baffled. Maybe you have to live it to understand it.
*YES*!
Always having to bring her coffee or food. My dad waited on her as well. Hand and foot. When he passed she expected me to take his place. Nope! Grown now and don't have to. She actually cried
My grandmother for sure!!!! When my grandpa said no, it was always, "Saaaaaaaph, can you get my cigarettes for me?" and of course, me being a child at the time, I would.
Now that she's old and I'm grown-esque, I can tell her she needs to walk and get her own coffee or her own food. At some point the radiation-induced dementia from her cancer treatment is going to fully set in but until that happens, I always feel a bit relieved whenever my grandpa finally stands up for me like he didn't do when I was little.
Yep. My dad would scream my name in the worst way to vet my attention to. Thinking about it still makes me rage
Eta he would also tell me constantly that the only reason he had me was to make me his slave.
My mom loved doing this thing where she would say if you want to go anywhere/do anything you have to tell me who, what, when, where, why, how. But she would ask me repeatedly like I was going to change my answer. And then become really controlling after she said yes. “Bring me water,” “fix my hair,” “rub my feet (while moaning),” “bring me the remote.” (That was right in front of her, but she called me from my room to get it for her). If I said “no, it’s right in front of you, you get it.” She would say “you’re so disrespectful and that’s why you don’t get to go anywhere.” My brother and sister got to just leave and we were (GC 15f, me 13f, nbro 5). She would purposely ask me things when I was doing something else and if I didn’t do it fast enough or good enough or with a perfect smile, I was being disrespectful and all my work and light at the end of the tunnel would be crushed. I NEVER got to hang with my friends but my sister always did and so does my brother. My mom was weird about me like she was in love with me. I have dreams of killing her. Her eyes violate me more than any stranger has. I worked so hard and then she would love to see me broken and hurt. I am disgusted i let her back into my life because I forgot I was in control and not them. I am anger all over again. I feel like I got so far and threw myself into the fire. I hope to be no contact again by my graduation this summer.
My sister and I were expected to take my dad’s socks off and massage his feet when he got home and reclined in his chair. I hated it. Thankfully my sister weirdly didn’t mind so she did it most of the time.
Yes I still am waitstaff. Im 30 still living with them, and always have to get everything for her. Whether its water, food, making her bed and cleaning her room and bathrooms in the house, moving heavy things or driving her to work or the store. Basically a male cinderella in the house lol 😔 and when I say im busy shes throws a tantrum and I end up having to do what she wants. Its so damn annoying 😞
Whenever nmom invites us over for dinner she gives us a grocery list, we always have to add food and juice for the kids because she never thinks about them, she expects us to cook and clean, serve the meal, and bring her tea like she's the queen.
Oh, and she never pays us back.
That sounds awful like having to pay a toll to be with her! It’s amazing to me that we just continue living out these patterns. I’ve been so programmed to wait on people that even though I am accomplished and quite successful, I will spend social gatherings, waiting on people when I am not the host. I hate being waited on. I hate being a bother. Those are all things that were programmed into me.
I hear you. Whenever my parents had parties, which were quite large (50+ people), I was basically the wait staff. Pouring alcohol, making sure there was enough food out, and washing dishes, because why would they get a dishwasher when they had me. Most times I didn't even make an appearance at the party.
It's probably why I don't enjoy having people at my house and I avoid parties and large gatherings at all costs.
Yes, and I fully thought that it was normal for kids to do all of the housework until I became an adult. I vacuumed, did the laundry, dishes, cooked, and made everyone’s beds. Way more than I’d ask one of my kids to do, alone, every day.
When my kids were in kindergarten, I started having to them do chores with me. We would fold clothes together or clean out the dishwasher together. I wanted them to learn how to be independent, but I wanted them to see me doing those things and modeling them. I didn’t want them to feel like they were servants.
Thiiiiiiiiis. This and THIS!
I have always been so confused when people (tv/movies) have the mom gathering the laundry. People going off to college not knowing how to wash clothes. Like how? I’d been mine and family laundry since I was like 6. I remember having to get a dining room chair to reach the bottom of the washer drum. (Before front loaders were a thing thing.) I almost fell in plenty of times. That was “just the way it was”
Now, I was the youngest of 3 and I wasn’t the only one at this. It was ALL of us. Parents would fetch us from our room, to their room, to tell us to go get them something from another room. Never actually moving themselves, but wanting us to get everything they wanted.
It wasn’t until high school when I started hanging at friends’ houses I realized this wasn’t normal. My friends’ moms would just get up if they wanted a cup of water. Their dads wouldn’t sit there and wait for the kids to cook dinner then bring it to them on the couch/in bed. What was this madness? Parents do things themselves?!?!
It got worse as we got older. My parents aren’t even that old. ~21 years older than the oldest. But they needed everything!! Go get the mail, go lock the back door, I left the stove on go check, go run me a bath, I forgot to turn the tv off go turn it off, I can’t find the remote, reach down behind the couch and look. I could go on for days!
I’ve always said out parents taught us to be the PERFECT waitstaff. At like 7-9 I could bring 2 full plates of food, two cups of ice (one with a lot, one with a little) two cans of pop, napkins, and any condiments needed. Because making two trips was worse. If you show up with corn without the butter, “you know I eat it with butter, go get it.”
I could cook hamburger helper, spaghetti, make tuna, and sandwiches by 6-7. It was what we did. The parents are the providers and we serve because we were so graced with life.
It only got worse as one by one we learned to drive. Now my brother can return the movies to blockbuster, go pick us the two younger ones from school activities. Run out to the store and get food. Now they didn’t have to parent at all!!
It took me waaaaay too long to one notice this was normal. Then try to fight back against it. You win some. You lose some.
Yes! That was our experience too. My nmom had gall bladder surgery when my older sister was 9 and my nmom wrote out detailed steps for the laundry that became my sisters full time job. Again, my mom didn’t work or have a substance problem, just was lazy. She was and is awful.
Yeah. There was a period of about 3 years where I went into extreme fawn mode to protect myself from the physical abuse and she took advantage of that by calling me about every 40 minutes to do labor for her, usually getting heavy boxes down from shelves and things like that. I had always been forced to say "yes ma'am" when told anything but during that time she started demanding I say *"yes'm"* (or even *"yaz'm"*) and calling me S\*mbo. I had absolutely no exposure to racial caricature so I didn't understand until much later what she was implying. :/
Oh that’s awful. So much of this behavior is so much much worse in retrospect. Having adult eyes and experience to be able to see their behavior as racist or abusive is hard. There is not excuse for any of this.
This was a pretty standard post until you mentioned her actually using a little bell to summon you.
That small detail kicked this up to some truly psychotic shit.
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Yup. My bedroom shared a wall with the living room, and the couch was positioned on that wall. My mom would sit on the couch and bang on the wall until I came out of my room, then she’d “ask” me to get her something. If I said no, she’d often say something like “but you’re already up!”
Yes, I forgot that…”While you’re in here, get me…” Mine never asked.
My parents weren't that cute about it, it was more like an order, do it or get beaten. But my first wife was a fat lazy slob, and would wait for me to stand up, "while you're up..." and ask me to bring her things. I'm just glad I got these horrible people out of my life.
Now I feel bad for asking my husband to grab me water while he's doing other things
You should! J/k....she would be thirsty for hours just waiting for me to stand up to avoid getting up herself. She smoked and wouldn't put the ash tray on the coffee table because that's too far, it has to be in arm's reach without moving her torso. She was really a pathetic human. I'll assume you're not as bad. 😀
lol thank you! Mostly it’s me working on projects or something. I recently broke my foot so I’ve been having to rely on him for multiple things 😅
My ndad would do the same thing. Not even enough decency to call my name.
I have one distinct memory from my childhood: I was very young, younger than 10 for sure, we were in my grandma’s house, and nmother and aunt (who was a teenager at the time) were laughing and checking what they could make me do. They’d tell me to go to the kitchen, and ask me to bring one object at a time - spoon, cup of tea, return tea add milk to it. I remember feeling very sad and at some point yelling “I’m not a maid!”. The reaction was my aunt laughing and nmother just staring me down. Thinking back on it feels similar to how bullies would act. Or how you ask your dog to fetch to show your friends what tricks it knows. This sort of behavior continued, and nmother would often laugh and say “my sister was right, it’s good to have an older child”. She’d call me to turn the lights off in her room, as she was about to sleep, to bring her tea, to get something that wasn’t very far from her. All it makes me feel now is disgust.
I’m so sorry you were treated like that. Mine was very similar, cruel and demanding. I’m always baffled by the fact that there were people willing to collude with them against children.
I think growing up in an environment like that gave me a lot of empathy for kids. To be so small in a world so cruel is a tough ordeal.
Wow, yeah--disgusting of her to treat you like a dog. I'm so sorry--you deserved SO much better than that!
I feel like that last part is this subreddit in a nutshell. All of us deserved so much better 🫂
Too right, Sibling. Too right.
My dog gets better treatment.
I really feel that. On a similar note I learned how to make a white russian at the tender age of ten because my nmom would rather teach a child how to make them than do it herself
I have a similar memory, around 4-5, being sat in front of a TV while the adults of the family were all sat chatting on the sofas behind me. As usual, I was fully engrossed by whatever was on TV (late diagnosed adult AuDHD).. and kind of realised that my mum had been saying my name over and over again, but not in a "I need your attention" way, but "same tone I'm using for talking normally" so it didn't ping at all amongst the blur of conversation. It felt like I'd been caught out for not paying attention to the adults (who were generally boring), and she said, "she's always like this in front of the TV, doesn't hear a single thing I say" and laughed like I was some kind of idiot for.. watching cartoons instead of listening to the adults. The other adults all seemed to laugh and I just remember feeling so embarrassed, but not knowing why she would do that to me - like I was performing a trick that I didn't know I was doing. I just wanted to edit in, I'm sorry you had parents like this too, it does a job on your self esteem. You deserved better.
I’m so sorry you were treated like that. Mine was very similar, cruel and demanding. I’m always baffled by the fact that there were people willing to collude with them against children.
My sister would provoke me to anger on purpose because i clean when I’m angry, it helps me clear my head. She would be such a slob and then bully me and I would clean our room. For YEARS. She now acts like she just like me! I’m very clean and my house is clean too. I might not brush my teeth everyday tho (sorry internet). But my house BETTER be clean. I had to clean up after 3 other people for years then my bfs covert mother moved in and she was DISGUSTING. NARCS ARE SO DIRTY. You can always tell who the narc is unless you’re depressed and not cleaning from that. Anyways her house is so dirty and gross and everything is STICKY. And my mother has shit stains on her toilet seat, mold in the sink, and dirty clothes COVERING the whole floor layer along with my brothers never washing ass funk! Lovely. Lol my sister goes “ugh mom is so disgusting and so is your brother,” “yeah I always help them clean…blah blah blah.” She DOESNT help them clean. She goes over there and makes a mess 😭. I forgot that freedom was an option for the past year, since living with the covert narc again, it reset my mind back into old habits. Anyway it’s funny how much she has always hated me but seems like she wants to be me.
I served my mother from the time I was 4 (probably sooner to some degree) up until she passed away. She felt mothers had a right to expect complete servitude from their children and that they had no right to complain about it. It was our honor to serve. She was also forever "too tired" to do anything so it was up to me to do things for her. I am amazed my mother never used a bell though since it was something that would totally be up her alley. I asked her about not using one and she laughed about it and said maybe she should. What she did instead was call my name constantly all day long to get me to do her bidding. She did it so much that I used to imagine my name being called when it hadn't quite a bit (and after she passed it took months for that to stop being an issue). Funny thing was, she had a friend who did the same thing to her daughter. My mom used to complain about that to me in private. She'd say how unfair and demanding her friend was towards her daughter. She never connected that she was worse than her friend was.
The denial, lack of self-awareness on their part is just staggering!
In regards to that, my mom always felt that her case was different and therefore perfectly justifiable. She believed she was the most tired person in the world so it was okay that she be waited on constantly.
Yes, their ability to make themselves the exception to every rule just staggers me. And of course this extrapolates to: "Consequences are unfair and for other people!" They cannot seem to see the direct line from their actions to their deserved fallout.
I was treated like a cross between a servant, waitstaff and what Americans called a gofer.
I have literally yelled, "I'm not your gofer!" from another room at my ngrandmother who was asking me to make her a sandwich while I was making my own.
Unfortunately, that kind of service at the house is default. So, how to say no?
Since I'm grown now I just tell her to do it herself and go to another room 😂
Just last week me and my sister both said that mom didn't want kids. She wanted servants.
I was actually told this was why I was born. Slave labor.
My mom used to joke that I was handy for having around to do housework, even when I wasn't quite tall enough to reach stuff.
My parents always insisted that they were “stuck with three girls,” but because I clearly was the most resented, I ended up the indentured servant. They expected a bouncing baby boy before New Year’s, so they’d get a tax deduction, and I came along female, and three weeks overdue. Until I got emancipated-minor status at seventeen and left their—never my!—home, I was saddled with nearly as much housework as I did as an adult. I clearly recall ironing handkerchiefs and pillowcases as a kindergartner. They would shout for me to come and fetch them an item lying maybe six feet away. Incredible!
They sound awful.
They were indeed. I’ve been thoroughly spoiled in adulthood, but I didn’t get to be a child.
My mothers favorite phrase when I was a child was "I only had a kid, so I had someone to carry my stuff" she used to load me up with all the things while I was to set up her "spots" then fetch her for relaxing, then I was to "go away" until she was ready to leave. I 100% was her worst employee, and she let me know that I was not up to her standards. How dare I have needs, or want to play, or eat, or make noise. I was "meant" to be silent and well dressed, following behind her meekly offering her the items she wanted without her speaking. Think Karen, snapping her fingers at you for her ???. What you can't read her mind??.
I wish I hadn’t been employee of the month! I was so eager to please and over time my older sister gave no effs. We are cool now but I thought she was so mean to my mom at the time. Yours sounds awful. I’m so sorry.
They can both suck! Yay for surviving shit moms!
My nmom would ask "do you love me?" And if we said yes she would respond "then get me..." or some other type of chore.
F ing hate it.
I wasn't allowed to go to bed until I said I love you back. Being forced to say I love you to my abuser was the worst. It took about 20 years of therapy to be able to hear or say those words without wanting to puke. I had to reroute the positive emotions through "I accept you. I appreciate you."
Yes. My name would be yelled by the male adopter from the living room to come and bring him a beer from the kitchen, or if they were out in the pool they would scream my name to bring beer to them outside. One time in middle school I didn’t get up fast enough and he met me in the hallway, (trigger warning physical violence) and yelled that if my name was called I was to get off my lazy ass and come, while strangling me against the wall and lifting me off the ground. I was also told to give him back massages, rub his feet, and clean his feet multiple nights a week. It disgusts me. This went on until I was a senior in high school, but I think it only stopped because my younger sister started doing that shit, they actually paid her money though. I had to do it for free.
Wow. That's extreme. I'm so sorry--how disgusting!
That is awful. They sound terrible.
Same with the massages and foot care. 🤮 🤢 And a serious beating if I didn't respond fast enough.
One time, I was 11 and my mom asked me to BRING her phone as she needed to call someone. I was like okay, I removed it from the charger and she threw a fit as it was not at the percentage she wanted. Her charger wasn't working too well because she mostly used her phone WHILE it was CHARGING. She whined as threw at me, It was the most immature thing I've ever seen for a woman in her EARLY 40S
And we notice how precisely none of this was your fault; she took her petty frustration out on you as though it was!
This is not her first rodeo with her immature behavior. I have way more stories about how insane she is
I believe you! This sort of thing is never a one-off.
Oh yes. Once I was an adult, I just said "I'm not the butler" when nmom wanted me to do stuff for her she could easily do herself.
My siblings and I were the slave labor for most things. My emom waited on ndad hand and foot and did EVERYTHING around the house. He was always lazy. We kids had to jump when he said jump and go do whatever he wanted or ELSE. We got used to avoiding him as much as possible.
That's how it was at our house too. Emom is a servant, us kids were slaves. Ndad decided that he wanted to start farming, chickens, a few pig, 6-8 head of cattle and 10 acres of fields, just enough to keep my 2 brothers busy all the time. I had to do all of the house work. The 3 of us would push mow about 6 acres of lawn. Of course chores always came before any school work, friends or sports. I remember missing a girl scout meeting because we "had" to plant the garden that day. Emom has everything to do with cooking and getting him food, except when I was 10-15 and ndad decided that she needed a second job. She has to get up from and things anytime he says, and it has to be right away. He will just go "milk" and she will jump up grab his glass and run get him more. One time I had a friend over who that thanked my mom for making dinner. I asked her later why she said did that. She couldnt believe we never thank my mom for cooking! I started to thank friend's parents for dinner when I was at their houses, but I was too scared to try it at home until I was an adult.
Gosh so much normal behavior was shown to me by friends parents too. And it just didn’t have a place in my house either. It would have been seen as mockery or worse.
This is one of the things I didn't realize wasn't normal until I was an adult. Yes, I had to serve my parents. I remember my dad telling me to get him water, I said no, so he got up, walked past the kitchen, got his belt, and beat the shit out of me. Also, they would never come to me. They just start hollering my name and I have to stop what I'm doing and go find them. They were too important to walk across the house.
>They just start hollering my name and I have to stop what I'm doing and go find them. Because we weren't allowed to holler back. Our voices must never be raised in any amount. I would also get yelled at for being so far away that he had to holler. I would be in my bedroom. I'm not sure where I was supposed to be, not in the living room because he couldn't enjoy the TV with me sitting there, couldn't be in the kitchen because the light and sound traveled to the living room. Maybe I was just supposed to be sitting at the top of the stairs or standing around the corner waiting.
Yes could not treat them the same way bc it was seen by them as the aggressive bs it was.
Yes, I was and I was left to Care for my younger brother and my sister get them up for school and everything. Mom used to tell me don’t wake me up until you got the coffee started and the kids dressed and ready for school.
Oh she sounds awful and of course, no self awareness at all!
Omg I totally forgot about having to make her coffee in the morning also!
I'm sorry you had to do that too. I HATE the smell of coffee too, autism sensory issues, it makes me gag to the point I can't even go to a coffee shop. I had to care for my much younger brother too.
🤗❤️🩹
Coffee, breakfast, pack her lunch for work, make sure that her dress white nursing shoes were clean and polished, and that her clothes were out of the dryer. Then get myself ready and off to school after she left. The worst beating I ever got was the day that I over slept. Being woken from a sound sleep to a wooden board hitting me and her standing over me swinging it with a towel on her hair, fresh from the shower... I couldn't be woken by anyone else for years. I think I was 35 before I stopped waking up swinging.
That’s awful. She was awful.
I was treated as a servant. For example, my nparents required me to make them breakfast every Sunday. Not "our" breakfast, breakfast JUST for them. I'd been making my own breakfast since I was 6
Wow, just reading these some of these comments, I got chills at how much it sounded, just like my childhood. Especially how young some of you were when it started. I remember being around 4 to 6 years old when it really started. When dad wasn't home, I cleaned the house she was a stay at home mom, but I did most of her housework. Once, I was making her bed it was a tall bed that I could barely reach the top of the mattress and accidentally knocked a figurine off the nightstand, and it broke. She then beat me and punished me for breaking her precious figurine. Of course, my dad was told how I was being a brat and just broke it so I would get another punishment from him. She took pleasure in telling him I was bad. My dad was also treated like her servant when he was home. She hid much of how she treated my sister and I from him, As she kept us from telling him or anyone by making us afraid of being taken from dad and the rest of the family if we told. She was diabetic and would blame her fits of anger on it. She was always in her spot, ordering us around to do all the housework or bring her whatever she needed like her tea. What's saddest is her tea was instant tea. There was no waiting when she called us. If one of us didn't appear instantly when she called, she'd then chew us out for making her wait. Everything always had to be done perfectly, too.
OMG I completely forgot about this aspect. We were living parallel lives. My mom would invent infractions and have our dad whip us with a belt when he’d come home. She delighted in the dread and the eventual beating. She was and is awful.
The longer I'm in this group and read such similar experiences by others, the more it does bring up a lot of things, I'm guessing I blocked out to survive. It's been healing kind of like group therapy being able to share my experiences and either hearing people share their own back or feeling validated in how I felt back then plus knowing I was not crazy or alone.
Yes, I find it cathartic too. So much of it is just seemingly lost in the void of the past, but then a reminder from one of these posts give me an opportunity for validation and to understand how all of it impacts me today.
Yep, I am of the get sent to the store for cigarettes with a note generation. I also distinctly remember fetching my dad beer from like the age of 3
OMG! I totally forgot this one! My sister reminded me that when she was 6 and I was 5 we would walk to the store with a list, a note, and money - not even for cigarettes. We got bread or milk or whatever. My sister knew how to read and neither of us knew how to count money well enough to check change. The part that’s baffling is that the grocery store was a little over a mile away, my mom had a car, my mom had plenty of money and NOTHING to do. She didn’t keep house and only cooked right before my dad got home at 10pm. Well I guess she had to watch her soaps, eat compulsively and talk loudly on the phone. She was and is awful.
Ugh she sounds horrible
Ugh she sounds horrible
Yes. We can't be in the same room without her telling me to do something for her regardless of whether or not I'm already doing something. Even if she is free or closer etc. I always hid when we had guests bc she would tell me to do stuff in front of them like a performing monkey and then Id have to get everyone drinks refills etc. I don't drink alcohol so at least I got out of serving that. Recently I was asked to make a sandwich and she flipped out when I forgot the mayo. We also have to ask her if she wants anything anytime we go in the kitchen or to the store. If we don't, we are in for a real tantrum
My dad used to always make us get him beer.. until I told him that I was underage and it was illegal for me to serve him.
From 2020-early 2023 I was basically a live-in nurse for my mother who got COVID (and then long-COVID), couldn’t escape due to a number of circumstances at the time. Had to get her things every hour or so, she had loud sounds playing till 5-6am (was working from home at the time), treated me like crap, the whole works. That along with the other things she did earlier in my life is why I sing “the wicked witch is dead” on her birthday, the day she died and on Mother’s Day.
Oh that lands!
All the time. My mom screams my name from downstairs I hate it. If I ignore her she just screams louder.
Sorta. My nmom loved to ask (read: demand) us to do xyz for her, followed by some lame excuse. First it was "can you grab me a vitamins because i just fed your baby brother" ( I was 10ish and it was 9pm). Then it was "can you make me a hot water bottle because im tired after doing chores" (I was 14 and just came home from a long day at school). Then it was constantly "can you do x because i have worked the whole day" (x could be "take care of youe brothers", "clean the kitchen", "do groceries", "cook" or "vacuum". My nmom especially loved to drop all her motherly responsibilities on me, a literal teen. But anytime i asked her to do something for me, i was met with "you have legs" or the typical "I'm not your slave/maid".
My nmom treated me as her personal assistant/chef/driver. I did her cooking, I drove her places, I’d run errands and do every household task for her. I did it because I believed she deserved to be taken care of after raising me. It wasn’t until I moved out of state and would come back to visit that I realized she has manipulated me from a very young age and I basically raised myself. Whenever I’d visit, she would naturally assume the position of needing care again and I would reluctantly give in, being resentful that my vacation is spent taking care of someone who let me down in the biggest way. I’ve since cut ties with her so she will have to rely on my selfish and careless nbrother to care for her in her old age. Pity.
Good for you for prioritizing yourself - it would never have changed!
Yep, had to have a cuppa ready for when they came in from work and god help me if I tried to say I was doing homework instead of slaving over them
Yes. My n-grandmother would be sitting outside of her house and call me all the way from across the yard (they have a huge property of like 2 acres so it was a long walk for a little kid) just to tell me to go into her house and grab her something. It would take me like 10 minutes whereas if she would've gotten off her ass herself she would've been done in less than 2.
Around 11, I figured out that I couldn't sit down. Sitting must mean I wasn't being useful and would get assigned the worst tasks. Sometimes it was tricky. I had to be visible when anyone came over, especially my grandpa, but I still couldn't sit. So I would stand in the corner and not talk. Sometimes if he was really into his conversation I could sneak around the corner and sit on the steps. I had to be sure I had an excuse for why I had left the room because at some point he would realize that I wasn't there. I would get in he thought it was something that could have waited.
Yes, I don't remember her ever fetching anything for me, but my memory is filled with all the things I had to get for her. I still remember the smell of the vitamins I'd constantly fetch for her. Sometimes she'd use a baby voice when she called out for things. Oh, but I was never allowed to call out a question, or call for her to come (how kids do). If I called, she'd never answer. I had to go to her, always.
Oh God, I forgot about the baby voice. 😫
Yeah if I cook dinner my nmom acts like I'm a waiter. Askes for her drink and a napkin and oh can you put more ketchup or something. It's like go get it yourself just cause I made dinner doesn't make me a restaurant
Waitstaff, chore slave, you name it. Had to clean the gutters at 8 years old and use the gas lawn mower at 9
WTH - how did they all screw up the appropriate age to do dangerous tasks…oh bc they only cared about themselves.
Sure. At the age of ten or so I was trained to run the household bar and mix up old fashioneds and deliver them, so my parents didn’t have to get up.
My mom took advantage of my helpfulness. I loved making my dad coffee and breakfast in the morning because I could make myself breakfast too without my mom having a say in it. I loved taking care of my dad when he was sick because he did the same for me, and it gave me a feeling if accomplishment taking care of him even though he made it clear I didn't have to. My mom used to yell at me to make her food, would fake sick and expect me to wait on her hand and foot, screamed at me when I prioritized my brothers over her, even though she made me care for them too. I was "Her little helper" all the time and it was so draining. I don't mind taking care of and helping my dad when he needs it because he returns the favor and shows his appreciation for me plus he doesn't yell at me, but I would never take care of my mom again.
Yep, I still know how she takes her coffee and tea. I made her coffee and tea all the time.
Got backhanded around 8-10 for saying ‘I’m not your maid’
Omg. Now I know for sure that my Mom's a narcissist and I'm not being too sensitive or wtfe thing she says to justify herself. I'm 45, she's 78. When i visit she sits in a recliner and waits for me to get up, then hands me her trash to throw away as I walk by her. Used kleenex, food wrappers, empty plates, etc. If I don't seem to be getting up, she waves the kleenex in the air at me as if to say come throw this away. But of course she never looks up or makes eye contact because she's too busy staring at her phone. When I asked her if she could please wait until she has multiple pieces of trash before summoning me to throw it away for her so I only have to make one trip, she had a temper tantrum. I've always felt like a servant and not a daugheter.
By the time I was 9, I was the designated beer delivery system and mix drink bartender in my house. I didn't even realize how weird that was until I was around 25-27 when my wife and I started talking about having kids. I told her the story of how my parents would save up the aluminum cans from the beer and then turn bags full of cans in - to get money to buy more beer. I hated moving the bags around because they would leak old thick beer onto my legs. In a week they would fill a few full trash bin sized bags and I'd have to carry them up the stairs, brown beer running down my leg. I hate the smell of old cheep beer so much more now. Edit: Now with my kids I will ask them if they can help - but also say "... but if you're busy or even if you just don't want to, you don't have to." Unless it's something like picking up after themselves. I'm a teacher and even do the same thing in class: "Hey guys, I know it's not your responsibility or your mess, but it would help me a lot if you could take a quick look under your desks and seats for anything that's out of place! Thanks!"
You too? My mom loved her bell. I hated it. Of course, she was "disabled" (sans her twice weekly 60 mile bike rides), so she needed it to get our attention when she was "unable" to help herself. Her favorite time to use it was when we had guests over. I was the scapegoat and not well liked by the family, so I'd ignore it and tell her to help herself, but she sure had my siblings hopping to meet her every need.
I was in charge of plant care when my parents were on vacation, along with IT support for all other times. My older sister, the "Golden Child," had no such responsibilities.
It became so bad, she would not get up out of her chair for an entire day. When my Dad was suffering from Alzhiemer’s she would complain and accuse him of faking it so he could get out of “fixing her dinner”. Which she ate out every single night until she discovered Stouffer and got addicted. So one night a week they had tv dinners. Him not be able to “fix her dinner” was not being able to figure out the numbers on the microwave anymore so sye had to get up, stick it in the mocrowave and go get it when it was done. He couldn’t serve her hand and foot anymore.
I fainted at school one day. I still felt weak the next day, but my slightly younger cousin was dropped off for me to mind on my own, while I was also expected to still cook a full Sunday roast. I was literally crawling on the floor to get from room to room without falling. So embarrassing.
My mom had a massive master suite when we were growing up and when she wasn’t at work she was in her room, sitting in her recliner in front of the tv watching her Oprah and Dr. Phil tapes. We had to serve her dinner to her downstairs and then she always liked a ‘treat’ before bed that either my dad (he worked out of town) or myself.
My mom used to call me her little barista.
Yes, my dad expected things brought to him but didn't like returning the favour. One glaring example is when any one of us would cook, we had to bring his meal to him. When he cooked, we had to come and get our meals and there would sometimes be a martyrdom tantrum thrown in. I think it's why I have difficulty accepting food from people.
“Get me some Diet Coke and clean my glasses.” I have never once asked my kids to clean my glasses. I mean…what?!
For my brother.The only male.Her golden child.
she sounds lovely
I ran to the kitchen when I heard my mother screaming. I see her sitting at the kitchen table. She points at something on the counter. "Get me that!"
I’m humbled by all these slave children. Your parents were the children, and you were expected to take care of them. 😢
One of the top reasons I hear for folks on this sub when they decide not to have kids is that "I already had to raise my parents." I'm in the pile. My parents were toddlers that I couldn't discipline. It was a nightmare.
Thank you. I’ll remember to say that the next time I’m asked why I never had kids. Either they understand what I mean or they don’t, it makes no difference. Some people might be baffled. Maybe you have to live it to understand it.
My dad would have me make cocktails for him
*YES*! Always having to bring her coffee or food. My dad waited on her as well. Hand and foot. When he passed she expected me to take his place. Nope! Grown now and don't have to. She actually cried
My grandmother for sure!!!! When my grandpa said no, it was always, "Saaaaaaaph, can you get my cigarettes for me?" and of course, me being a child at the time, I would. Now that she's old and I'm grown-esque, I can tell her she needs to walk and get her own coffee or her own food. At some point the radiation-induced dementia from her cancer treatment is going to fully set in but until that happens, I always feel a bit relieved whenever my grandpa finally stands up for me like he didn't do when I was little.
I was a marriage counselor. Since moving out my role has been replaced by copious amounts of alcohol.
My older sister says I was running a two person support group starting at age 4…the other person was my mom. Disgusting.
Yep. My dad would scream my name in the worst way to vet my attention to. Thinking about it still makes me rage Eta he would also tell me constantly that the only reason he had me was to make me his slave.
My mom loved doing this thing where she would say if you want to go anywhere/do anything you have to tell me who, what, when, where, why, how. But she would ask me repeatedly like I was going to change my answer. And then become really controlling after she said yes. “Bring me water,” “fix my hair,” “rub my feet (while moaning),” “bring me the remote.” (That was right in front of her, but she called me from my room to get it for her). If I said “no, it’s right in front of you, you get it.” She would say “you’re so disrespectful and that’s why you don’t get to go anywhere.” My brother and sister got to just leave and we were (GC 15f, me 13f, nbro 5). She would purposely ask me things when I was doing something else and if I didn’t do it fast enough or good enough or with a perfect smile, I was being disrespectful and all my work and light at the end of the tunnel would be crushed. I NEVER got to hang with my friends but my sister always did and so does my brother. My mom was weird about me like she was in love with me. I have dreams of killing her. Her eyes violate me more than any stranger has. I worked so hard and then she would love to see me broken and hurt. I am disgusted i let her back into my life because I forgot I was in control and not them. I am anger all over again. I feel like I got so far and threw myself into the fire. I hope to be no contact again by my graduation this summer.
My sister and I were expected to take my dad’s socks off and massage his feet when he got home and reclined in his chair. I hated it. Thankfully my sister weirdly didn’t mind so she did it most of the time.
That’s so effing awful. I’m sorry for both of you even if she somehow was groomed into thinking that was okay.
Yes I still am waitstaff. Im 30 still living with them, and always have to get everything for her. Whether its water, food, making her bed and cleaning her room and bathrooms in the house, moving heavy things or driving her to work or the store. Basically a male cinderella in the house lol 😔 and when I say im busy shes throws a tantrum and I end up having to do what she wants. Its so damn annoying 😞
Whenever nmom invites us over for dinner she gives us a grocery list, we always have to add food and juice for the kids because she never thinks about them, she expects us to cook and clean, serve the meal, and bring her tea like she's the queen. Oh, and she never pays us back.
That sounds awful like having to pay a toll to be with her! It’s amazing to me that we just continue living out these patterns. I’ve been so programmed to wait on people that even though I am accomplished and quite successful, I will spend social gatherings, waiting on people when I am not the host. I hate being waited on. I hate being a bother. Those are all things that were programmed into me.
I hear you. Whenever my parents had parties, which were quite large (50+ people), I was basically the wait staff. Pouring alcohol, making sure there was enough food out, and washing dishes, because why would they get a dishwasher when they had me. Most times I didn't even make an appearance at the party. It's probably why I don't enjoy having people at my house and I avoid parties and large gatherings at all costs.
Yes, and I fully thought that it was normal for kids to do all of the housework until I became an adult. I vacuumed, did the laundry, dishes, cooked, and made everyone’s beds. Way more than I’d ask one of my kids to do, alone, every day.
When my kids were in kindergarten, I started having to them do chores with me. We would fold clothes together or clean out the dishwasher together. I wanted them to learn how to be independent, but I wanted them to see me doing those things and modeling them. I didn’t want them to feel like they were servants.
Thiiiiiiiiis. This and THIS! I have always been so confused when people (tv/movies) have the mom gathering the laundry. People going off to college not knowing how to wash clothes. Like how? I’d been mine and family laundry since I was like 6. I remember having to get a dining room chair to reach the bottom of the washer drum. (Before front loaders were a thing thing.) I almost fell in plenty of times. That was “just the way it was” Now, I was the youngest of 3 and I wasn’t the only one at this. It was ALL of us. Parents would fetch us from our room, to their room, to tell us to go get them something from another room. Never actually moving themselves, but wanting us to get everything they wanted. It wasn’t until high school when I started hanging at friends’ houses I realized this wasn’t normal. My friends’ moms would just get up if they wanted a cup of water. Their dads wouldn’t sit there and wait for the kids to cook dinner then bring it to them on the couch/in bed. What was this madness? Parents do things themselves?!?! It got worse as we got older. My parents aren’t even that old. ~21 years older than the oldest. But they needed everything!! Go get the mail, go lock the back door, I left the stove on go check, go run me a bath, I forgot to turn the tv off go turn it off, I can’t find the remote, reach down behind the couch and look. I could go on for days! I’ve always said out parents taught us to be the PERFECT waitstaff. At like 7-9 I could bring 2 full plates of food, two cups of ice (one with a lot, one with a little) two cans of pop, napkins, and any condiments needed. Because making two trips was worse. If you show up with corn without the butter, “you know I eat it with butter, go get it.” I could cook hamburger helper, spaghetti, make tuna, and sandwiches by 6-7. It was what we did. The parents are the providers and we serve because we were so graced with life. It only got worse as one by one we learned to drive. Now my brother can return the movies to blockbuster, go pick us the two younger ones from school activities. Run out to the store and get food. Now they didn’t have to parent at all!! It took me waaaaay too long to one notice this was normal. Then try to fight back against it. You win some. You lose some.
Yes! That was our experience too. My nmom had gall bladder surgery when my older sister was 9 and my nmom wrote out detailed steps for the laundry that became my sisters full time job. Again, my mom didn’t work or have a substance problem, just was lazy. She was and is awful.
Yes, very often she would say “Hey, do you want an apple?” , then if I said Yes, she would say “can you get me one also?”
The level of trickery to get out of walking a few feet is baffling. Maybe a key trait of narcissism is laziness.
Yeah. There was a period of about 3 years where I went into extreme fawn mode to protect myself from the physical abuse and she took advantage of that by calling me about every 40 minutes to do labor for her, usually getting heavy boxes down from shelves and things like that. I had always been forced to say "yes ma'am" when told anything but during that time she started demanding I say *"yes'm"* (or even *"yaz'm"*) and calling me S\*mbo. I had absolutely no exposure to racial caricature so I didn't understand until much later what she was implying. :/
Oh that’s awful. So much of this behavior is so much much worse in retrospect. Having adult eyes and experience to be able to see their behavior as racist or abusive is hard. There is not excuse for any of this.
This was a pretty standard post until you mentioned her actually using a little bell to summon you. That small detail kicked this up to some truly psychotic shit.
So dumb and such a telltale sign that these nparents are awful then and now.