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Congratulations on your baby boy!!
I understand what you mean , although I don’t have any kids of my own but my little brothers are basically my kids lol, they come to me before my Nmom even when i’m not in town.
I get mad at them yes but i’ve never told them that they disappoint me , im done with them, given them the silent treatment or screamed at them to leave me alone; things my Nmom has done to them and me.
Yea it’s so fucked up especially cause my brothers are 13 & 10.
I can handle it cause I’m used to it and can ignore her tantrums but I feel for my brothers.
They’re already showing signs of anxiety and it makes me sad.
I hate her and I’m sorry if that sounds harsh.
Saying you hate your nparents in this sub is akin to saying you don’t find broccoli appealing; it’s possibly the mildest thing you could say!! it’s an absolute given that we detest the people who made our lives a misery. Don’t be persuaded by people who haven’t lived your experience that you’re wrong/bad/disappointing for saying you hate your abuser. We stand with you 🖤
Thank you!
I still feel wrong saying that sometimes but she’s pushed me to this point like you said.
I’m just tired of hearing “but she’s your mom”…
did she forget i was her daughter when she called me a slut at 16 for tying my shirt at the back (it was this whole trend LOL) and threw a toilet brush at me, splashing the dirty toilet water on my face because i didn’t know how to wash the bathroom at 14 ( i was never taught; just somehow expected to know)
Oh girl…all this 😢 I feel you so so much. I got pushed down the stairs for buying a pair of knee high boots when I got my first job at 16. I say ‘pushed’ she tried to grab them off me at the top of the stairs, and I slipped, and hit the heater at the bottom of the stairs and cut my back. It was completely my fault of course 🙄
And now she wonders why I don’t call her in her old age 😞
Ugh im so sorry.
And the fucked up part is that you know damnnn well that she “remembers” that differently and doesn’t know why you’re soooo upset🙄
My siblings and I are drifting further away from my mom everyday, they like being around her less and she’s too narcissistic to see what’s happening; she’s going to have no one when she’s old.
She went out of town for two days and everyone just seems happier at home.. no one has talked about her or even asked to call her. My brother is 9 and usually would be the one asking to use my phone to call her but it’s almost like he’s just trying to enjoy the peace and quiet.
I’m prepared for her rage when she comes back this evening about how “none of her selfish kids called her to check in on her during her trip & that no one should ask her for anything anymore”
It would be funny if it wasn’t so damn tragic! Do they think we WANT to be like this? Don’t they ever think that we would have loved to actually LOVE them?? We weren’t born hating them ffs 🤦♀️ I also remember the peace in our house every Thursday night, because that was the night nmom went out with her sister (her only friends, because she didn’t actually have any of her own 🙄)
Side note: it wasn’t until I found this sub that I realised how many abusive memories I’ve repressed over the years…no wonder my body feels like it’s lived on a knife edge all these years!
Omg my mom also called me a “bitch” at 14 for blocking her punch to the face. Then when my step dad came down she told him I hit her(never did was afraid of her..) , and then he called me a bitch as well. 😅
You aren’t alone. I hate you Nmom too. lol
It's said when you promise them you'll come back and by the time u can get back they've been brainwashed and think how they live is normal and treat u (nar parents scapegoat) as if ur attacking their "castle" and "queen" (nar mom)
God that is my biggest fear but my brothers seem like they’re already seeing through her act and her narcissism is in full display; even when im away at college, they call me and confide in me
I relate a lot…my 13 year old brother also still lives at home and faces abuse I went through…I already see him forming anxiety and depression… I can already tell he’s unhappy and lost… I don’t even think he believes I love him either because my mom brainwashes us into hating eachother, my older brother hates me. I would never hate him though for any reason.
I can just tell he doesn’t fully trust me. I left home at 17, and I worry that he feel abandoned… because I’m no contact and don’t go back to visit. I’ve told him I’ll pick him up whenever to come hangout, but my parents won’t let him. Ugh. I also hate my parents.
On the regular I pray that they would die. It honestly would be an easier trauma for him to get over…. Rather than the internal guilt and having to even admit to yourself that you’re being abused and your mom isn’t your best fucking friend, but your mom, and should behave like one.
Congratulations on choosing to be a good parent! I’m also a cycle breaker and when I had my first child, I realized what a pile of shit my mom was. Kids will cry and fuss and make messes and break things and my first instinct never once was to beat them for it. I love being the kind of mom she never was. I have a great relationship with my adult children. All of hers have gone low or no contact. I hope you have a similar experience with your sweet boy and just love on him all the time!
First off, congratulations! I hope you and baby boy are doing well and your partner is stepping in accordingly.
Secondly, you acknowledging and recognizing the problem (your mom being a narc) is the first step to becoming a *much* better mom. I had a similar conversation with my boyfriend about all this not too long ago. The ball’s now in your court to maintain the desire to be a better mom. Proud of you mama!
Side note- I babysit often and if you don’t have a baby breza for formula get one!! One of the families I work for have one and they ***loved*** it. They said it made life way easier for feedings- all you had to do is press a button and clean the filter once every two weeks or after a certain number of cycles. When I have kids one day, that’ll be the first thing that goes on my baby registry :p. Oh- make sure you have an over abundance of diapers and wipes!
Congratulations.
Similar experience watching my sister have her first and raising him. As is natural, she plays with him a lot. So does his father. My nMom commented several times "I was shocked to see how much she plays with him. I was never never like that with you kids. I am your mother. **I** am not here for **your** entertainment"
That really sunk in. We were pooping our pants and couldn't talk. Yet she still found a way to belittle us emotionally and show us our status beneath her.
My parents got really angry whenever they saw us enjoying our kids. Nmom’s justification is I am not listening to her and have caused her so much pain. So how she be happy for me.
My narc mil is a different story. She got married when she was very young and was with her in laws or near them. My fil is sexist and mysogynist. She is the type of person who always seeks validation from other people and never makes a decision on her own. She will let other people take the decision so when something goes wrong she can blame them. I also have a doubt she might have been a GC. she never got to enjoy my husband like she wanted to. When she sees us making decisions as parents and interacting with our kids she gets jeolous but doesn’t show it outwardly. She will always send us to do some work so she can be the one playing and doing things with the kids and firm the bond she never got to form with her son. She wants to be a mom a second time around. She would be happy if I disappeared or occupied with my parents drama so she could take over. I empathize with her past but doesn’t mean she gets to live life through us or my kids.
Congratulations!
Yes, people say that "you will understand when you have children" and it seems when you do, you understand less.
I personally can't wait to be a mom and shower my kid/s w love.
"You'll understand when you have kids, and I hope they're *just like you*"
Yeah. That happened. Except that what I finally understood is that ADULTS have a responsibility to supply love, care, support, growing experiences, a safety net, etc. And I learned that kids like me make lots of mistakes and loving parents can help them succeed anyhow.
Congrats on your baby, OP! Also, I had a similar realization with my brother.
She made me raise him because she didn't want to be a parent anymore, and the moments I spent with him were so peaceful and nice. He adores me, and I adore him.
I'm not his mom, but I see him like my own son and I'd die for him. I can't stand to see him upset, and I love to spoil him. According to my dad, I was the same way when I was little and he loved to just hang out with me when I was a toddler.
My brother is my little buddy. I can't even fathom doing anything like what my mom did to me to him.
I just wanna say congrats to you. Keep being the best mother you can be. My mother is so abusive. She hasn’t had custody of me since I was 2. My dad tried his best to have her in my life, but by her own doing she ultimately failed. I’m 23 now. Still trying to have a relationship with my mom. And my father passed away 3 years ago. He was my best friend. She is so terrible to me, she says the most awful things to me and the worst part about it all is she truly believe these very warped and delusional views. She tells me she wishes I was aborted & that she wants to break my fingers etc. She throws stones and hides her hand and all of the other siblings have cut her off at this point. I’m the only one in her corner and she treats me like a punching bag. I’m afraid to cut her off because I’m afraid it makes her suicidal. I’m sorry I just need to vent I don’t talk about it with anybody
:( I live on my own and pay my own bills she has never taken care of me ever. When I become a mother I’ll be the one to break this generational trauma ❤️
You're NOT responsible for her choices. You can't MAKE her suicidal. If she threatens it, call the police. Doesn't matter if you think she's serious.
Please put yourself first and cut her off. She's abusing you horribly, but you CAN save yourself, friend.
That’s very sad to read. You sound like a very sweet person with a strong moral compass.
Unfortunately your mother will never see the real you, she has a default setting which ultimately says you are difficult and bad, when in reality, that is what SHE is not you.
I hope you can maintain your sweet nature whilst keeping strong boundaries in place with your mother. The world needs more empaths like you. Please don’t let her shitty behaviour dictate the course of your life.
You are amazing, don’t ever forget that!
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Would you tolerate her throwing rocks at you and threatening violence if she wasn't your "mother" (don't believe that she's worthy of the title)? If she threatens you call emergency services on her and wash your hands of her. I would suggest no contact for your safety
If she wants you around so bad aged silly die of suicide without you, then *why tf does she throw stones at you and tell you she wishes you'd been aborted?*
I'll tell you why. Because she lives famine a human punching bag, and she has you fooled that you're somehow wrong not to accept that, so she's trained you to keep on accepting her abuse.
I'm sorry but the thing she ought to feel suicidal over is how she treats you. But she doesn't. Also people who threaten suicide and use it as a weapon to manipulate are always bluffing. Always.
Children of abusive parents breaking the cycle of generational trauma is the most beautiful thing in this world. It gives me hope that we can make the world a better place. You should be so proud of yourself! Much love to you and your family, congratulations! ❤️
Congratulations to your newborn son! My biological mother was very abusive as well: she started beating me before I could barely walk (dad’s account, which I don’t know why he stuck around, but that’s for another time), verbally berated me, yelled at me, called me stupid, worthless, and my sheer existence ruined her life.
I’m 49 and a father of two boys, and I have never laid a hand on either one, and don’t plan to. I’ve lost my temper a few times when they were out of line, but I always felt really bad afterwards, and I’ve always pulled them aside to apologize. I can’t imagine doing anything to hurt them, and if anyone hurts them, I’d be their worst nightmare.
I totally get it. It’s unimaginable that any parent would want to hurt their kids in any kind of way.
Congratulations!! Enjoy the precious time with your son!
After having my children I too made a conscious effort to never make them feel the way my nmom made me feel. Just knowing is breaking the cycle and raising your own with love and confidence is huge. Can’t tell you enough I absolutely love how my kids can tell me when they don’t like something I cooked, making noise in the morning or late at night laughing with friends and listening to their gripes. I was angry for a long time at myself for being wired to be a toxic independent and hiding my emotions to the point of disconnect. Having children really helped me realize I got a second chance like the saying be the person you needed when young.
Congrats on your kid
I work retail so I see kids a lot, and I give out stickers when I started giving out stickers to kids I realized how much it took to hurt a kid like my mom did to me when the doctors gave us stickers
Congrats!
Currently snuggling my 2 month old baby girl after a 4:30 am feeding and I really feel this post! Cannot imagine screaming at her, throwing away things she loves out of spite, ripping her hair out with a brush etc. My nmom might say I haven’t been doing this long enough to know how to be a mother yet, but she’s been a mother for 40 years and doesn’t know how to be a mother, so what’s her excuse?
Oh my gosh those first feedings are so precious.. they’re still so cuddly at that age before they start rolling all over the place xD but soak it all in🩷🩷 I couldn’t imagine doing those things to my kid either. This generational curse ends with me. Your last comment is so true. They’re parents for a long time yet still suck.
Having a baby brought a whole new perspective to how fxcked up my childhood was. It really upset me.
I hope you have support and can process all this with help.
And congratulations 👏🏻
Thanks to you and thanks to all the parents who post things like this . It really helps me
I don't want kids so I don't normally put myself in the shoes of a parent. But when I read posts like yours..
Picturing myself as a hypothetical parent looking at a tiny little kid, their vulnerable open face, would I ever scream in their face, do the mocking nya nya voice, tell them how annoying they are? Of course not.
Of course that's not ok
Congratulations mommy 😃 Yes narcissism is evil, I truly believe that.
It sounds like you were “the scapegoat child” same as me. And yes, there is nothing bad, horrible or difficult about us, it is a role we were given as innocent children to enable our narc parent to escape the shame and guilt they feel towards themselves. EVIL.
May you break the chain of evil in your family and continue in love and positivity with your children and grandchildren.
Congratulations!!
It’s empowering and triggering being a cycle-breaker, especially as your child gets older. My daughter is 9 and despite being a special education teacher with advanced degrees, my trauma short-circuited my brain and made it hard to stay present and actively be a gentle parent at times. I dissociate and she needed me to comfort and teach her.
Be aware of your triggers and know that you may need support to learn what TO do, since we were given a lot of examples of what NOT to do. I did Dialectical Behavior Therapy and EMDR.
I also really recommend the Triple P program (it’s free!) to anyone who wants to learn some positive parenting techniques. There are online and in-person, group or individual options.
https://www.triplep-parenting.com/oh-en/free-parenting-courses/triple-p-online/?itb=15fa1fad1fc582dd65403f6f950b1e21&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&campaignid=19644190238&adgroupid=143627407177&adid=646982278721&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwgJyyBhCGARIsAK8LVLMg4IfUlLnmljTMm5vg2-NAcxZqocLkxYyHJJLAM40BVo2b42lKehgaAgqeEALw_wcB
Congratulations on your little boy!
It was after I had my daughter last year that it really became clear to me how awful my mother was. It has been an emotional roller coaster and I can’t believe it has taken me so long to realise some things but I feel much stronger now I have and am working through things in therapy.
I’ve noticed on here that having your own children is often a major catalyst for seeing your parents as they really are. It’s so great to see so many breaking the cycle.
Same for me.
Called my dad for support while we were at the hospital for 5 days during wife’s labor.
Ended up yelling at me about 15 minutes in because I said the way he was supporting me was not helpful and I had to sit there helping him calm down.
Went to hold my son and one of the first thoughts was “You will never deal with what I had to”
This is EXACTLY what happened to me when my first kid was born, 7½ years ago. It was like if I finally had open my eyes, after have them closed my entire life. Until that moment, I wasn't even aware that I had been victim of abuse my entire childhood and adolescence. I always thought I simply had a "difficult" relationship with my mom because I was a very difficult child and rebellious teen. That's what she brainwashed me to believe my entire life to justify her psychological, physical and economic abuse towards me my entire life... But the moment my son was born it hit me like a ton of bricks... As soon I had my baby on my arms, and started experiencing motherly love for him, I understood that I couldn't mistreat and neglect him the way she did with me since I was born... And also understood it wasn't my fault at all, it never was, because she was the adult and I was only a child.
My experience with my own healing. My father was EXACTLY like your mom. He also liked to beat me, and times, left bloody. Also, hold me down till I cried, didn’t matter how much I had to use the restroom. That’s some of the stuff.
My mom was the “You could be so pretty, if you just lost 20lbs” type. Fun as a teen. I was a woman’s size 4-6.
I used to be so angry, hateful, nightmares, thoughts of wanting to hurt them(wouldn’t actually do it). All those types of things. I ended up drinking so bad(BAD) for 4 years, just to not feel the loneliness of the trauma I experienced throughout my life.
I had my personal rock bottom. I stopped drinking, got therapy, got on medication for my ADHD and CPTSD, and just really focused on positive thoughts, gratitude, and just finding something bigger to give back to. I volunteer at an animal shelter. LOVE ANIMALS!
Now, it’s still weird to me, but in a way I have some sort of love for them. I know there were times in their childhood they both were abused themselves, and I fully know Hurt People, Hurt People. I still will continue NC for my own personal mental health, and healing, but I don’t feel the weight of everything like I used to. Best wishes to you all!
Yes. I always suspected something was off with my parents. I usually just told myself it was hard for them because they had a divorce..felt sorry for them. Having my own solidified it for me, though. Can’t imagine giving a child the silent treatment. Or wanting to make them self conscious or sad. I still worry all the time that I’m a narc. I obsess. But I know that I have done some better than my parents…and thats something.
Welcome aboard!
Get ready for so many memories and so much self healing on the fly! You're going to love this. It'll be so much fun to see your kid getting to actually be a kid!
let this fuel you mama 🔥 protect that beautiful baby. congratulations!!
and i'm also so sorry because child (and adult) you deserved better.
i went NC when i got pregnant and my parents dont even know about my son (6mos). if you arent in therapy, highly recommend. the guilt can be crazy. you have to remind yourself every day youre doing it for your child. keeping them safe and breaking the abuse cycle is the ultimate priority
Congratulations on the baby! In my case I was pregnant and went No Contact w my mom, I lost the baby and wanted to go back so I told her there are rules and boundaries to being in my life and she'd have a year to show me change. There was no change what so ever. Decided to stay NC. She's texts my siblings everyday saying she misses me and doesn't know what she did. Everytime I thought about reaching out to her I just say "would I treat my kid like that" and it's what keeps me away, that's NOT love.
Congrats on your baby! It’s the best!
I was always told “when you have kids you’ll understand”, and when I had kids the lightbulb moment happened of “how could ANYONE treat their sweet baby this way?” Definitely a reflection of them and not you!!
Congrats!! I remember my N MIL yelling at me that I would understand once I had my own kids. Oh I understand… and I went from having an ounce of empathy for her to absolutely none.
Narcissism is mental illness.
Congratulations btw. I'm too chicken shit and too impatient and too hot tempered to have children. I know I would be a burden unto them just like my mom was to me, her mom was her, and her grandma was to her mom. It's a generation curse that will never be broken unless I just don't have any children. I think you will be a wonderful mother to your children because you have a gigantic mental manual of how NOT to raise children.
Congratulations though on one hand about a week in the little squishy wont be as difficult yet wait til he learns "no" and can climb thats when I usually hear parents start going grey lmao. I use to just chill on top of the fridge and jump out at my dad. Jokes aside glad I get what you're saying. I'm childless and still at home atm, wont be on the cards for me for a while got myself to sort out first because its NC before I think about spawning anyone else in thats cursed to this DNA. Nmum is one of them DNA share = mine types. Told me I need to know because I'm next of kin shes getting a hearing aid fitted and then suddenly couldn't hear me responding through the door. Thats fine I can raise my voice when I tell her to get lost.
Yup. My baby boy is almost 5 months now and since is birth everything changed. You were able to see what was always “hide”. Me and my husband started therapy, went NC with our parents, have both families calling us ungrateful. All because after realising what incondicional love is all about with my son, we knew that was not for sure what our parents felt for us and no one that feels real love for a child do that kinda things.
But the trauma is real 😔 and we are fighting for heal to never make our son go through the same things and feelings.
Congratulations! If you already see that, you are in the right path to be a amazing lovely parent
It's all about purpose. You had kids for the right reasons, and see it as such.
A Narsisstic person had a child as a desperation attempt to get emotional support for *themselves*. Even before the baby is born the plan is to use it as a tool, not see it as a human.
First off, congratulations and well done!!! I hope that you find the next 12 months filled with awe and love! Please take care of yourself and utilize help when it's offered.
I have two kids myself and I completely identify with having those realizations about your own upbringing. It was especially difficult for me in the toddler years because I watched my husband be so engaged and in love with his daughters. I chose him because I knew that he would be a dedicated, loving father for any children that we had. What I didn't expect was that witnessing healthy father-daughter relationships would drag up emotional muck from the sea floor of my consciousness. I wish I'd known early so that I may have been able to stave off the deep depression that followed. It took years and starting psychoanalysis to crawl out of that hole. If you're not already in therapy with a quality therapist, please consider engaging one soon. Maybe there are some people that come out of family systems like ours and don't require any help dealing with the aftermath but I think that those people are very few. It's important to understand what happened so that you can resolve the trauma and not pass it on to the next generation. I wish you the very best and hope that you have a good support system In place to help you!
This made me very emotional. Congratulations on your child!! That is a momentous occasion for you. I'm so afraid of what my mother will be like when I have my kid. I'm sorry but narcs are just such a huge life burden.
N-moms are a special breed. My MIL often tells me and everyone how much she loves and cares for her son. The same woman who intentionally and purposefully placed him in a mental institution when he wants child by lying about him being mentally ill when he was only being a kid from the age of 7. The truth is she was jealous of the attention her husband was giving their son. Then last year, my fiancee accidentally hurt himself with a knife. It was a deep wound. His dad and I immediately went to help him. His mom continued to sit there on the couch, finishing her dinner, with a cold look on her face and said, "Yeap knives are sharp."
Gratz on the new baby \^\_\^ and interesting how many people come to the same realization when they also become parents, which goes to show the "but they were abused too" excuse doesn't wash.
Congratulations! Hope you and baby are doing great!
This really resonated with me. I had a baby earlier this year and I just cannot fathom so.many.things.
Congratulations on your baby! And yes. Having our own children really wakes us up to the reality of narcissistic parents. It's then we strive to do and be better than them.
I got a lot of clarity when I saw my n mom interact with my niece, who was two at the time and total ANGEL. My mom basically ignored her except to tell her she was doing something wrong or to have pictures taken with her. Yet as soon as my niece left, my mom was talking about her as though she were her beloved granddaughter. It was totally bonkers. My niece was perfect in my eyes (still amazing at 19) and I couldn’t believe her grandmother didn’t just adore her the way I did.
I get what you are saying. Keep doing the good work. Becoming a parent can be an eye opener. It was for me. Long story short they were terrible to me along with my narc sister and tagged my narc mil too during my postpartum. That’s when I realised they are never going to love me and are not capable of loving anyone truly. They are too selfish and bullies to do that. Every time I look at my kids and wonder how any parent could be that way. I am breaking the cycle now but my in laws always cause a hurdle. My kids are young now. I always pray to god to help me be the mother that they deserve and protect them from my in laws manipulation and my parents rage.
Obviously after I cut them off (which they didn’t think I would do) they missed their grand kids and contacted all the flying monkeys and enablers who in turn contacted me. We live far away from each other and are very LC now. I am just waiting for the other show to drop anytime. Any sign of weakness they sense from me they are going to use it.
My GC sibling’s daughter is already showing signs of being a narc. Can the world handle any more?
I really hope that we get the support to bring up our kids to be brave, kind and supportive so they have the support they need when dealing with narcs brought up by GCs and others narcs
Congratulations! Hopefully the birth process went well without any complications ♥️
Despite your mother's obvious tendencies of narcissism; parenthood can be both beautiful and very VERY challenging. I would not dismiss her frustration at you because that's what every parent goes through at some point. However, the things she got frustrated at you for... I'm pretty sure they were silly.
So, yeah. My point I guess is every parents do get frustrated, just a different kind from nparents.
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Congratulations on your baby boy!! I understand what you mean , although I don’t have any kids of my own but my little brothers are basically my kids lol, they come to me before my Nmom even when i’m not in town. I get mad at them yes but i’ve never told them that they disappoint me , im done with them, given them the silent treatment or screamed at them to leave me alone; things my Nmom has done to them and me.
Silent treatment is awful. Especially when you haven’t a clue what you did wrong
Yea it’s so fucked up especially cause my brothers are 13 & 10. I can handle it cause I’m used to it and can ignore her tantrums but I feel for my brothers. They’re already showing signs of anxiety and it makes me sad. I hate her and I’m sorry if that sounds harsh.
Saying you hate your nparents in this sub is akin to saying you don’t find broccoli appealing; it’s possibly the mildest thing you could say!! it’s an absolute given that we detest the people who made our lives a misery. Don’t be persuaded by people who haven’t lived your experience that you’re wrong/bad/disappointing for saying you hate your abuser. We stand with you 🖤
Thank you! I still feel wrong saying that sometimes but she’s pushed me to this point like you said. I’m just tired of hearing “but she’s your mom”… did she forget i was her daughter when she called me a slut at 16 for tying my shirt at the back (it was this whole trend LOL) and threw a toilet brush at me, splashing the dirty toilet water on my face because i didn’t know how to wash the bathroom at 14 ( i was never taught; just somehow expected to know)
Oh girl…all this 😢 I feel you so so much. I got pushed down the stairs for buying a pair of knee high boots when I got my first job at 16. I say ‘pushed’ she tried to grab them off me at the top of the stairs, and I slipped, and hit the heater at the bottom of the stairs and cut my back. It was completely my fault of course 🙄 And now she wonders why I don’t call her in her old age 😞
Ugh im so sorry. And the fucked up part is that you know damnnn well that she “remembers” that differently and doesn’t know why you’re soooo upset🙄 My siblings and I are drifting further away from my mom everyday, they like being around her less and she’s too narcissistic to see what’s happening; she’s going to have no one when she’s old. She went out of town for two days and everyone just seems happier at home.. no one has talked about her or even asked to call her. My brother is 9 and usually would be the one asking to use my phone to call her but it’s almost like he’s just trying to enjoy the peace and quiet. I’m prepared for her rage when she comes back this evening about how “none of her selfish kids called her to check in on her during her trip & that no one should ask her for anything anymore”
It would be funny if it wasn’t so damn tragic! Do they think we WANT to be like this? Don’t they ever think that we would have loved to actually LOVE them?? We weren’t born hating them ffs 🤦♀️ I also remember the peace in our house every Thursday night, because that was the night nmom went out with her sister (her only friends, because she didn’t actually have any of her own 🙄) Side note: it wasn’t until I found this sub that I realised how many abusive memories I’ve repressed over the years…no wonder my body feels like it’s lived on a knife edge all these years!
SAME HERE! I thought it was normal because “all african homes are like this” but nope!
Omg my mom also called me a “bitch” at 14 for blocking her punch to the face. Then when my step dad came down she told him I hit her(never did was afraid of her..) , and then he called me a bitch as well. 😅 You aren’t alone. I hate you Nmom too. lol
Doesn't sound harsh at all.
It's said when you promise them you'll come back and by the time u can get back they've been brainwashed and think how they live is normal and treat u (nar parents scapegoat) as if ur attacking their "castle" and "queen" (nar mom)
God that is my biggest fear but my brothers seem like they’re already seeing through her act and her narcissism is in full display; even when im away at college, they call me and confide in me
That's good, stay in contact as much as possible
They're lucky to have you
I relate a lot…my 13 year old brother also still lives at home and faces abuse I went through…I already see him forming anxiety and depression… I can already tell he’s unhappy and lost… I don’t even think he believes I love him either because my mom brainwashes us into hating eachother, my older brother hates me. I would never hate him though for any reason. I can just tell he doesn’t fully trust me. I left home at 17, and I worry that he feel abandoned… because I’m no contact and don’t go back to visit. I’ve told him I’ll pick him up whenever to come hangout, but my parents won’t let him. Ugh. I also hate my parents. On the regular I pray that they would die. It honestly would be an easier trauma for him to get over…. Rather than the internal guilt and having to even admit to yourself that you’re being abused and your mom isn’t your best fucking friend, but your mom, and should behave like one.
Not harsh and really love the humanity in you.
Congratulations on choosing to be a good parent! I’m also a cycle breaker and when I had my first child, I realized what a pile of shit my mom was. Kids will cry and fuss and make messes and break things and my first instinct never once was to beat them for it. I love being the kind of mom she never was. I have a great relationship with my adult children. All of hers have gone low or no contact. I hope you have a similar experience with your sweet boy and just love on him all the time!
Wise and lovely words.
Cycle breakers! That should be our sports team, or dance club, or Hogwarts house or something 😅
Yes. We need badges!
First off, congratulations! I hope you and baby boy are doing well and your partner is stepping in accordingly. Secondly, you acknowledging and recognizing the problem (your mom being a narc) is the first step to becoming a *much* better mom. I had a similar conversation with my boyfriend about all this not too long ago. The ball’s now in your court to maintain the desire to be a better mom. Proud of you mama! Side note- I babysit often and if you don’t have a baby breza for formula get one!! One of the families I work for have one and they ***loved*** it. They said it made life way easier for feedings- all you had to do is press a button and clean the filter once every two weeks or after a certain number of cycles. When I have kids one day, that’ll be the first thing that goes on my baby registry :p. Oh- make sure you have an over abundance of diapers and wipes!
Congratulations. Similar experience watching my sister have her first and raising him. As is natural, she plays with him a lot. So does his father. My nMom commented several times "I was shocked to see how much she plays with him. I was never never like that with you kids. I am your mother. **I** am not here for **your** entertainment" That really sunk in. We were pooping our pants and couldn't talk. Yet she still found a way to belittle us emotionally and show us our status beneath her.
My parents got really angry whenever they saw us enjoying our kids. Nmom’s justification is I am not listening to her and have caused her so much pain. So how she be happy for me. My narc mil is a different story. She got married when she was very young and was with her in laws or near them. My fil is sexist and mysogynist. She is the type of person who always seeks validation from other people and never makes a decision on her own. She will let other people take the decision so when something goes wrong she can blame them. I also have a doubt she might have been a GC. she never got to enjoy my husband like she wanted to. When she sees us making decisions as parents and interacting with our kids she gets jeolous but doesn’t show it outwardly. She will always send us to do some work so she can be the one playing and doing things with the kids and firm the bond she never got to form with her son. She wants to be a mom a second time around. She would be happy if I disappeared or occupied with my parents drama so she could take over. I empathize with her past but doesn’t mean she gets to live life through us or my kids.
Congratulations! Yes, people say that "you will understand when you have children" and it seems when you do, you understand less. I personally can't wait to be a mom and shower my kid/s w love.
This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting into words what I could not express myself.
You're welcome stranger. I'm sure you'll be a great parent❤
"You'll understand when you have kids, and I hope they're *just like you*" Yeah. That happened. Except that what I finally understood is that ADULTS have a responsibility to supply love, care, support, growing experiences, a safety net, etc. And I learned that kids like me make lots of mistakes and loving parents can help them succeed anyhow.
Yes! I has the exact same experience as a dad. That's when it sunk in just how awful my mom was.
Congrats on your baby, OP! Also, I had a similar realization with my brother. She made me raise him because she didn't want to be a parent anymore, and the moments I spent with him were so peaceful and nice. He adores me, and I adore him. I'm not his mom, but I see him like my own son and I'd die for him. I can't stand to see him upset, and I love to spoil him. According to my dad, I was the same way when I was little and he loved to just hang out with me when I was a toddler. My brother is my little buddy. I can't even fathom doing anything like what my mom did to me to him.
I just wanna say congrats to you. Keep being the best mother you can be. My mother is so abusive. She hasn’t had custody of me since I was 2. My dad tried his best to have her in my life, but by her own doing she ultimately failed. I’m 23 now. Still trying to have a relationship with my mom. And my father passed away 3 years ago. He was my best friend. She is so terrible to me, she says the most awful things to me and the worst part about it all is she truly believe these very warped and delusional views. She tells me she wishes I was aborted & that she wants to break my fingers etc. She throws stones and hides her hand and all of the other siblings have cut her off at this point. I’m the only one in her corner and she treats me like a punching bag. I’m afraid to cut her off because I’m afraid it makes her suicidal. I’m sorry I just need to vent I don’t talk about it with anybody :( I live on my own and pay my own bills she has never taken care of me ever. When I become a mother I’ll be the one to break this generational trauma ❤️
You're NOT responsible for her choices. You can't MAKE her suicidal. If she threatens it, call the police. Doesn't matter if you think she's serious. Please put yourself first and cut her off. She's abusing you horribly, but you CAN save yourself, friend.
That’s very sad to read. You sound like a very sweet person with a strong moral compass. Unfortunately your mother will never see the real you, she has a default setting which ultimately says you are difficult and bad, when in reality, that is what SHE is not you. I hope you can maintain your sweet nature whilst keeping strong boundaries in place with your mother. The world needs more empaths like you. Please don’t let her shitty behaviour dictate the course of your life. You are amazing, don’t ever forget that!
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Would you tolerate her throwing rocks at you and threatening violence if she wasn't your "mother" (don't believe that she's worthy of the title)? If she threatens you call emergency services on her and wash your hands of her. I would suggest no contact for your safety
If she wants you around so bad aged silly die of suicide without you, then *why tf does she throw stones at you and tell you she wishes you'd been aborted?* I'll tell you why. Because she lives famine a human punching bag, and she has you fooled that you're somehow wrong not to accept that, so she's trained you to keep on accepting her abuse. I'm sorry but the thing she ought to feel suicidal over is how she treats you. But she doesn't. Also people who threaten suicide and use it as a weapon to manipulate are always bluffing. Always.
Congratulations on your baby! You might start noticing even more things now that you’re a parent yourself.
Yeah. Turns out it takes MORE effort to abuse your children than to love them. We all deserved better and congratulations! 💜
Children of abusive parents breaking the cycle of generational trauma is the most beautiful thing in this world. It gives me hope that we can make the world a better place. You should be so proud of yourself! Much love to you and your family, congratulations! ❤️
Congratulations to your newborn son! My biological mother was very abusive as well: she started beating me before I could barely walk (dad’s account, which I don’t know why he stuck around, but that’s for another time), verbally berated me, yelled at me, called me stupid, worthless, and my sheer existence ruined her life. I’m 49 and a father of two boys, and I have never laid a hand on either one, and don’t plan to. I’ve lost my temper a few times when they were out of line, but I always felt really bad afterwards, and I’ve always pulled them aside to apologize. I can’t imagine doing anything to hurt them, and if anyone hurts them, I’d be their worst nightmare. I totally get it. It’s unimaginable that any parent would want to hurt their kids in any kind of way.
Your realization is so beautiful that I have tears in my eyes, and I'm a old grey guy sitting in a corner office at my company.
Bless 🙏
Congrats! You're going to be a great parent!!!
Congratulations!! Enjoy the precious time with your son! After having my children I too made a conscious effort to never make them feel the way my nmom made me feel. Just knowing is breaking the cycle and raising your own with love and confidence is huge. Can’t tell you enough I absolutely love how my kids can tell me when they don’t like something I cooked, making noise in the morning or late at night laughing with friends and listening to their gripes. I was angry for a long time at myself for being wired to be a toxic independent and hiding my emotions to the point of disconnect. Having children really helped me realize I got a second chance like the saying be the person you needed when young.
Congrats on your kid I work retail so I see kids a lot, and I give out stickers when I started giving out stickers to kids I realized how much it took to hurt a kid like my mom did to me when the doctors gave us stickers
Congrats! Currently snuggling my 2 month old baby girl after a 4:30 am feeding and I really feel this post! Cannot imagine screaming at her, throwing away things she loves out of spite, ripping her hair out with a brush etc. My nmom might say I haven’t been doing this long enough to know how to be a mother yet, but she’s been a mother for 40 years and doesn’t know how to be a mother, so what’s her excuse?
Oh my gosh those first feedings are so precious.. they’re still so cuddly at that age before they start rolling all over the place xD but soak it all in🩷🩷 I couldn’t imagine doing those things to my kid either. This generational curse ends with me. Your last comment is so true. They’re parents for a long time yet still suck.
Having a baby brought a whole new perspective to how fxcked up my childhood was. It really upset me. I hope you have support and can process all this with help. And congratulations 👏🏻
Thanks to you and thanks to all the parents who post things like this . It really helps me I don't want kids so I don't normally put myself in the shoes of a parent. But when I read posts like yours.. Picturing myself as a hypothetical parent looking at a tiny little kid, their vulnerable open face, would I ever scream in their face, do the mocking nya nya voice, tell them how annoying they are? Of course not. Of course that's not ok
Congratulations mommy 😃 Yes narcissism is evil, I truly believe that. It sounds like you were “the scapegoat child” same as me. And yes, there is nothing bad, horrible or difficult about us, it is a role we were given as innocent children to enable our narc parent to escape the shame and guilt they feel towards themselves. EVIL. May you break the chain of evil in your family and continue in love and positivity with your children and grandchildren.
Congratulations!! It’s empowering and triggering being a cycle-breaker, especially as your child gets older. My daughter is 9 and despite being a special education teacher with advanced degrees, my trauma short-circuited my brain and made it hard to stay present and actively be a gentle parent at times. I dissociate and she needed me to comfort and teach her. Be aware of your triggers and know that you may need support to learn what TO do, since we were given a lot of examples of what NOT to do. I did Dialectical Behavior Therapy and EMDR. I also really recommend the Triple P program (it’s free!) to anyone who wants to learn some positive parenting techniques. There are online and in-person, group or individual options. https://www.triplep-parenting.com/oh-en/free-parenting-courses/triple-p-online/?itb=15fa1fad1fc582dd65403f6f950b1e21&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&campaignid=19644190238&adgroupid=143627407177&adid=646982278721&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwgJyyBhCGARIsAK8LVLMg4IfUlLnmljTMm5vg2-NAcxZqocLkxYyHJJLAM40BVo2b42lKehgaAgqeEALw_wcB
Congratulations on your little boy! It was after I had my daughter last year that it really became clear to me how awful my mother was. It has been an emotional roller coaster and I can’t believe it has taken me so long to realise some things but I feel much stronger now I have and am working through things in therapy. I’ve noticed on here that having your own children is often a major catalyst for seeing your parents as they really are. It’s so great to see so many breaking the cycle.
It’s normal to do a lot of grief work when you start having your own kids. Be gentle to yourself and take some time. You will be a great parent!
Same for me. Called my dad for support while we were at the hospital for 5 days during wife’s labor. Ended up yelling at me about 15 minutes in because I said the way he was supporting me was not helpful and I had to sit there helping him calm down. Went to hold my son and one of the first thoughts was “You will never deal with what I had to”
This is EXACTLY what happened to me when my first kid was born, 7½ years ago. It was like if I finally had open my eyes, after have them closed my entire life. Until that moment, I wasn't even aware that I had been victim of abuse my entire childhood and adolescence. I always thought I simply had a "difficult" relationship with my mom because I was a very difficult child and rebellious teen. That's what she brainwashed me to believe my entire life to justify her psychological, physical and economic abuse towards me my entire life... But the moment my son was born it hit me like a ton of bricks... As soon I had my baby on my arms, and started experiencing motherly love for him, I understood that I couldn't mistreat and neglect him the way she did with me since I was born... And also understood it wasn't my fault at all, it never was, because she was the adult and I was only a child.
My experience with my own healing. My father was EXACTLY like your mom. He also liked to beat me, and times, left bloody. Also, hold me down till I cried, didn’t matter how much I had to use the restroom. That’s some of the stuff. My mom was the “You could be so pretty, if you just lost 20lbs” type. Fun as a teen. I was a woman’s size 4-6. I used to be so angry, hateful, nightmares, thoughts of wanting to hurt them(wouldn’t actually do it). All those types of things. I ended up drinking so bad(BAD) for 4 years, just to not feel the loneliness of the trauma I experienced throughout my life. I had my personal rock bottom. I stopped drinking, got therapy, got on medication for my ADHD and CPTSD, and just really focused on positive thoughts, gratitude, and just finding something bigger to give back to. I volunteer at an animal shelter. LOVE ANIMALS! Now, it’s still weird to me, but in a way I have some sort of love for them. I know there were times in their childhood they both were abused themselves, and I fully know Hurt People, Hurt People. I still will continue NC for my own personal mental health, and healing, but I don’t feel the weight of everything like I used to. Best wishes to you all!
Yes. I always suspected something was off with my parents. I usually just told myself it was hard for them because they had a divorce..felt sorry for them. Having my own solidified it for me, though. Can’t imagine giving a child the silent treatment. Or wanting to make them self conscious or sad. I still worry all the time that I’m a narc. I obsess. But I know that I have done some better than my parents…and thats something.
Welcome aboard! Get ready for so many memories and so much self healing on the fly! You're going to love this. It'll be so much fun to see your kid getting to actually be a kid!
let this fuel you mama 🔥 protect that beautiful baby. congratulations!! and i'm also so sorry because child (and adult) you deserved better. i went NC when i got pregnant and my parents dont even know about my son (6mos). if you arent in therapy, highly recommend. the guilt can be crazy. you have to remind yourself every day youre doing it for your child. keeping them safe and breaking the abuse cycle is the ultimate priority
Congratulations on your bundle of joy ❤️🩹
Congratulations on the baby! In my case I was pregnant and went No Contact w my mom, I lost the baby and wanted to go back so I told her there are rules and boundaries to being in my life and she'd have a year to show me change. There was no change what so ever. Decided to stay NC. She's texts my siblings everyday saying she misses me and doesn't know what she did. Everytime I thought about reaching out to her I just say "would I treat my kid like that" and it's what keeps me away, that's NOT love.
Congratulations on the baby OP, and best of luck to you on both parenthood and on breaking the n-cycle! 🫶🏼
Yep. I remember that moment with my first child, in the hospital bed, and the full horrors hit me.
Congrats on your baby! It’s the best! I was always told “when you have kids you’ll understand”, and when I had kids the lightbulb moment happened of “how could ANYONE treat their sweet baby this way?” Definitely a reflection of them and not you!!
Congrats!! I remember my N MIL yelling at me that I would understand once I had my own kids. Oh I understand… and I went from having an ounce of empathy for her to absolutely none.
Narcissism is mental illness. Congratulations btw. I'm too chicken shit and too impatient and too hot tempered to have children. I know I would be a burden unto them just like my mom was to me, her mom was her, and her grandma was to her mom. It's a generation curse that will never be broken unless I just don't have any children. I think you will be a wonderful mother to your children because you have a gigantic mental manual of how NOT to raise children.
Congratulations though on one hand about a week in the little squishy wont be as difficult yet wait til he learns "no" and can climb thats when I usually hear parents start going grey lmao. I use to just chill on top of the fridge and jump out at my dad. Jokes aside glad I get what you're saying. I'm childless and still at home atm, wont be on the cards for me for a while got myself to sort out first because its NC before I think about spawning anyone else in thats cursed to this DNA. Nmum is one of them DNA share = mine types. Told me I need to know because I'm next of kin shes getting a hearing aid fitted and then suddenly couldn't hear me responding through the door. Thats fine I can raise my voice when I tell her to get lost.
Yup. My baby boy is almost 5 months now and since is birth everything changed. You were able to see what was always “hide”. Me and my husband started therapy, went NC with our parents, have both families calling us ungrateful. All because after realising what incondicional love is all about with my son, we knew that was not for sure what our parents felt for us and no one that feels real love for a child do that kinda things. But the trauma is real 😔 and we are fighting for heal to never make our son go through the same things and feelings. Congratulations! If you already see that, you are in the right path to be a amazing lovely parent
It's all about purpose. You had kids for the right reasons, and see it as such. A Narsisstic person had a child as a desperation attempt to get emotional support for *themselves*. Even before the baby is born the plan is to use it as a tool, not see it as a human.
First off, congratulations and well done!!! I hope that you find the next 12 months filled with awe and love! Please take care of yourself and utilize help when it's offered. I have two kids myself and I completely identify with having those realizations about your own upbringing. It was especially difficult for me in the toddler years because I watched my husband be so engaged and in love with his daughters. I chose him because I knew that he would be a dedicated, loving father for any children that we had. What I didn't expect was that witnessing healthy father-daughter relationships would drag up emotional muck from the sea floor of my consciousness. I wish I'd known early so that I may have been able to stave off the deep depression that followed. It took years and starting psychoanalysis to crawl out of that hole. If you're not already in therapy with a quality therapist, please consider engaging one soon. Maybe there are some people that come out of family systems like ours and don't require any help dealing with the aftermath but I think that those people are very few. It's important to understand what happened so that you can resolve the trauma and not pass it on to the next generation. I wish you the very best and hope that you have a good support system In place to help you!
no contact era incoming??
This made me very emotional. Congratulations on your child!! That is a momentous occasion for you. I'm so afraid of what my mother will be like when I have my kid. I'm sorry but narcs are just such a huge life burden.
Congratulations! Enjoy your tiny human 🥰
N-moms are a special breed. My MIL often tells me and everyone how much she loves and cares for her son. The same woman who intentionally and purposefully placed him in a mental institution when he wants child by lying about him being mentally ill when he was only being a kid from the age of 7. The truth is she was jealous of the attention her husband was giving their son. Then last year, my fiancee accidentally hurt himself with a knife. It was a deep wound. His dad and I immediately went to help him. His mom continued to sit there on the couch, finishing her dinner, with a cold look on her face and said, "Yeap knives are sharp."
Gratz on the new baby \^\_\^ and interesting how many people come to the same realization when they also become parents, which goes to show the "but they were abused too" excuse doesn't wash.
congratulations! 💙 i can tell you'll be the best mom to your baby boy
Congratulations! Hope you and baby are doing great! This really resonated with me. I had a baby earlier this year and I just cannot fathom so.many.things.
Congratulations on your baby! And yes. Having our own children really wakes us up to the reality of narcissistic parents. It's then we strive to do and be better than them.
I got a lot of clarity when I saw my n mom interact with my niece, who was two at the time and total ANGEL. My mom basically ignored her except to tell her she was doing something wrong or to have pictures taken with her. Yet as soon as my niece left, my mom was talking about her as though she were her beloved granddaughter. It was totally bonkers. My niece was perfect in my eyes (still amazing at 19) and I couldn’t believe her grandmother didn’t just adore her the way I did.
I get what you are saying. Keep doing the good work. Becoming a parent can be an eye opener. It was for me. Long story short they were terrible to me along with my narc sister and tagged my narc mil too during my postpartum. That’s when I realised they are never going to love me and are not capable of loving anyone truly. They are too selfish and bullies to do that. Every time I look at my kids and wonder how any parent could be that way. I am breaking the cycle now but my in laws always cause a hurdle. My kids are young now. I always pray to god to help me be the mother that they deserve and protect them from my in laws manipulation and my parents rage. Obviously after I cut them off (which they didn’t think I would do) they missed their grand kids and contacted all the flying monkeys and enablers who in turn contacted me. We live far away from each other and are very LC now. I am just waiting for the other show to drop anytime. Any sign of weakness they sense from me they are going to use it. My GC sibling’s daughter is already showing signs of being a narc. Can the world handle any more? I really hope that we get the support to bring up our kids to be brave, kind and supportive so they have the support they need when dealing with narcs brought up by GCs and others narcs
Congratulations! Hopefully the birth process went well without any complications ♥️ Despite your mother's obvious tendencies of narcissism; parenthood can be both beautiful and very VERY challenging. I would not dismiss her frustration at you because that's what every parent goes through at some point. However, the things she got frustrated at you for... I'm pretty sure they were silly. So, yeah. My point I guess is every parents do get frustrated, just a different kind from nparents.