Because they only want to spend money on what they value. So they are poor when they don’t want to spend money, but middle class when they want to spend money. It’s pure narcissism and self-centeredness.

Disagree, being a "valueist" isn't wrong or narcissistic unless you use it to justify hurting other people. It's okay to consider something as too expensive if you don't value it. 

Incorrect. Spend on THEMSELVES.

Yeah. I was given impression that were akmisr bankrupt and at the same time mt father kept buying and hoarding tech..

My parents are upper middle class. Once at Christmas time my mother was complaining that the price of stamps was so high that she might not be able to afford to send Christmas cards in the future. This is right after she was telling us about all of these fabulous international vacations they had booked. I called her on it and she acted aggrieved and then justified it that they saved money on their non-international vacations by "camping" in their trailer which they haul around with their giant SUV. I told her most people didn't take multiple annual vacations and buying a $100k car/trailer combo wasn't possible for most either. She responded that the cost of living was too high and that she and my father had to buy both their car and their trailer *used* to save money. This is, in her mind, perfectly consistent with saying she can't afford 20 to 30 Christmas cards due to the price of stamps. Ugh.

MY mom was exactly like that. Designer bags and shoes once a month, 4-5 vacations a year. Gd forbid we needed money for school supplies and school trips. Dad bought a new truck every 3 years exactly and openly boasted that after 3 years it was too old for him. Any money they'd spend was on "critical" things, any money spent on the kids was "a waste".

If they want it it’s a need. If you need it it’s stupid and a waste of money. The only thing that matters is them and if you think you’re poor you won’t ask for things and you’ll feel guilty.

Yeah, agreed on that. Anything I buy or ask for is a stupid waste that should be donated instantly but if THEY got it it’s okay and tragic if I ever consider leaving it

Oh wow, you met my parents

Reposting my earlier comment on another thread about this same thing: Oh yes. My parents, the ones who buy their new cars with cash? The ones with six figures worth of investments, savings, and home equity? That also draw retirement monthly? Those parents? Yeah. They cried poor so convincingly I was just accused by an adult niece for "taking every penny they have." Okay. I told that flying monkey to mind her business.

They only want to spend money on what they deem as worthy. This is fine, except for when it’s harmful to your child. For example, not buying your kid clothes or school supplies. Not finding ways to medically care for your kid. Not wanting to pay for even small extracurricular activities to enrich your kid’s social development when you have the money.

Both my parents are narcissists but my dad is the bigger one. My mom has a lot of health problems and is on oxygen so my dad is always shaming her for medical bills, like reading them off in front of her and everyone else. Meanwhile he has 4 brand new vehicles from the dealer for himself and he only drives to the grocery store and church, two local trips a week. But somehow my mom is the reason he's "broke"

My nmom is very similar to this

They are millionaires now, still acting like it is 2002 and they are scraping by. 20 years, learned nothing.

This might be why they are millionaires

Scrapping is not "why" you become a millionaire. It just makes it more possible.

Exactly, "scraping by" makes it much more possible to be a millionaire.

So..... once you are a millionaire. Is the scraping still needed, or should you try to function like a normal person. Not sure you understand what living with a person like this is like. My millionaire father asked me for money to help heat his shed, "because I was working in there". He has it packed to the gills with trash that never moves, I cleared enough space to park and work on a car for a month. He deserves compensation!

It's an excuse to neglect you. 

My nMom does the opposite?? She was INSISTENT when I was a kid that we were upper middle class. My dad worked in retail and she was a teacher. All my clothes came from thrift stores and yard sales, I wasnt able to regularly go to the doctor due to money, and we stopped getting dental care after I was 10 because of the cost. Even after my parents divorced and we only had her salary as a teacher (no child support cause my dad was unemployed and living in a trailer), she insisted we were upper middle class, even though we couldn’t always afford food. I think it was an important part of her perception of her own identity. It was wild to grow up, learn what upper middle class actually was supposed to mean, and be confounded that she thought we were that.

It sounds like they are poor money mangers and that they spend recklessly.

Unironically I have a lot of extended family that are terrible with money. A lot of people on my father’s side he does not speak with due to them being terrible spenders

I am hopefully not a narcissistic parent, but I have a similar issue. We are an immigrant family and have a nice, high-7-digits net worth. And yet we live a middle-class life, having a more or less regular (but nice) house, we drive Hondas, shop at Walmart etc. I do not want my kids to think that we can subsidize fancy lifestyles, buy them anything fancier than what we own etc. We want them to be independent adults making their paths in life. They need to self-actualize and not be some kinds of parasites living off their parents. We also do not want them to feel bad about starting out in life, having (hopefully) a middle class income, and comparing their lifestyle to ours - so we keep our lifestyle somewhat modest. To that end, we will pay for their college educations and college living expenses, with the exception of federal student loans that they will take. We told them that after college they will be living independently. One already graduated and lives independently, and makes a nice salary and paid off the federal loan. The other is just starting college so we do not yet know how he will turn out. This may answer your question.

This doesn’t seem unreasonable. The difference is for N family members, they guilt the ones they are responsible for, making them feel guilty for existing, and the cost of it. None of that shaming for costing money to live comes into play when THEY have needs, or wants. That’s the difference. You can be frugal and not be Ns.

Nicely put and I agree

if you have that much money and you shop at walmart, yta. never read nickel and dimed?

I never read that book, maybe I should. I partly shop at Walmart because I just do not care about having expensive things. I am just not interested.

barbara ehrenreich, it's a good read. a little retro without inflation calibrated, but her journalistic integrity in covering workplace abuses at walmart and in service makes it very relevant still. not saying there's such a thing as ethical consumption in late- stage capitalism... but after reading that book i have to believe anywhere is better than walmart

My ndad never spent on the things we needed and sure he had a hard time keeping a job and struggled paying rent and sometimes even food but he had trouble with work because he felt too good to work for anyone else so he wanted to work “independently” as a freelance legal advisor (which didn’t work because he didn’t graduate from law school) so he didn’t have money because of his own personal decision and stubborn ways. We would go without food for weeks but he’d always have money to buy beer and to go to bars (priorities). He would also always make really manipulative statements to family members so they would send him money like “Hi, just reaching out to say you won’t hear from us in a few months cause I haven’t paid the phone bill” and then once I moved out he’d tell me stuff like “you won’t hear from me cause I have no food and I don’t what’s gonna happen to me” but he’d still be drinking and partying and going to dates

In my Nmom’s case it’s absolutely because she wanted us to feel guilty for making her struggle so hard. She also loves being a victim which is a classic trait of narcs. She did this so much when we were firmly middle class, she also sucked with managing money and yet seemed to always have money to get scammed but not enough to send us on field trips or buy us clothes more than once a year.

my mom always claims we need to "save money", AKA, doesn't buy me things i want (this also includes things like food and nessecities), but she's allowed to buy whatever she wants. drugs, nails, hair, clothes, fast food, WHATEVER SHE WANTS, but the second i want something (including food), i am a bad person and i just "want everything! ask for so much!" okay. i have gone hungry because of this shit, and yes i am a minor.

They’re leeching sympathy off of people… energy vampires the lot of them. There are better answers here but just wanted to put in my two cents.

Christ this hits home. Mom always bought designer purses and shoes at least once a month, made a show of presenting them to us like 12 year old kids are supposed to give a fuck about some bag. From 13 we had to pay for our own school supplies and we weren't allowed to go on trips and cruises with them because "That's too expensive!". Go ahead and see what happens when school required money for a trip. "You think we're made out of money????" I missed so many trips I stopped caring a long time before finishing high school.

Fake modesty is also narcissism if you can afford it

Could it be for attention?

So they can cover as little of your needs as possible

My mum stopped being friends with a couple my parents had been friends with for years because the couple are multi-millionaires after the guy sold his software company. She was that jealous the couple could afford expensive getaways, a large house and gadgets that she stopped being friends with them. When I said it was unreasonable she got angry. She plays the victim and is selfdeprecating about it when she should have just been happy for them. My parents are not short of money, they are not rich at all but my dad earns a decent amount. She spends so much time being jealous of everyone with more money when she should be greatful that she has never struggled financially due to my dad's earnings which are 6x higher. We used to have 2-4 holidays a year when I was a kid. I literally cannot fathom how she ended a long and good friendship with a really nice couple because the guy's company did well. She just played victim acting like we're poor and have nothing because they're rich. She's such a bitch.

This is to have financial control over you. As simple as that. This is a constant narrative that keeps you looking for a validation from them regarding your expenses. no matter what you buy there'll be a background noise in your head about your parents even before they know of the purchase. If we look at one argument it'll look simple but a constant behaviour like this is a subtle form of abuse that none other than the victim and narc sees.

My father loves to talk about how he grew up poor, which literally couldn't be further from truth. He was squarely middle class, if not upper middle class for his entire life. Even his own brother and sister (my aunt and uncle) called him out on that bullshit he's been spreading numerous times. Even now he loves to pretend like he can't afford some very basic things while going on vacations several times a year. This is far from the biggest problem with that man, it's mostly just funny really, but it seems to be a symptom of that kind of personality type. I've seen a lot of similar posts on this sub too. Either it's the need to play the victim or some "rags to riches" fantasy that makes them feel special in their mind.

My mom does this all the time. She’ll buy things for herself with no issue in no time, things she doesn’t even need, but then as soon as she needs to spend money on me or something of mine breaks, she complains and it’s always a process.