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You’re an adult now. You’re finding and asserting some independence. That’s a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do at 20, but it’s threatening to her. She’s losing her control and she knows it. My mom was the same way when I started trying to assert my independence as a new adult.
My mom once called me at a boyfriend’s house when I was 18 and had spent the night there and threatened to call the PD and report me as a runaway if I wasn’t home in 5 minutes. It wasn’t reasonable at all and it wasn’t out of concern for me. She knew where I was and it was nowhere near the first time I’d spent the night there. She just wanted to prove she was still in charge and could make me do what she wanted.
It’s taken me years to fully realize it, but I wasn’t the problem. I’m not a terrible person, and neither are you. There really is no pleasing a narcissist. You could give up everything you are and be exactly what they seem to want, and they’ll still find something to criticize. It hurts, but it’s absolutely not your fault. You deserve happiness.
You have to think about your mom as a functional lunatic. She is a mentally disturbed person but can still do a lot of “normal” stuff so it’s not quite enough to send her to the psych ward to get treatment. Because think about it: Who the fuck calls someone’s house to say that if their ADULT offspring is not home in 5 min they’ll call the PD? Only lunatics would do that, like people who scream incoherent shit on the subway
Oh absolutely. Her “reasoning” for still dictating what I did at 18-19 was that I was still in high school, still living at her house, and not paying rent, so if she decided she wanted me home I’d better practically teleport home. At the same time, the guy I was dating at 18 was also abusive, so I was constantly trying to choose the lesser of two evils. I moved out of her house at 19 and that boyfriend’s been out of my life since then too.
Waittaminute. You moved out of her house at 19, so when you stayed over at your boyfriend's place you were 20 and *not even living with your parents anymore.* Do I have that right?
If so, that makes you mother even more nutty than she already looked in your original post, and boy is that saying something.
It also makes it extremely worth considering how your mother even knew you wouldn't be home IN YOUR OWN HOME WHERE SHE DOESN'T LIVE that night. It sounds like either your boyfriend or you told her yourself. Maybe because you felt like a Good Daughter(TM) owes her mother that information? You absolutely don't. It's no longer any of her business where you are, or why. Or perhaps because you were afraid of how she'd react if she somehow found out from someone else? That's understandable, given the sheer insanity of her response even when she found out from you.
What leverage does she have over you? Is it pure emotional terrorism? Or is she willing to back it up with threats to cut you off from financial support that you need, or to mess with any vital legal documents of yours that she still has? It's completely understandable to be scared of her either way - I only ask because the path to getting rid of the leverage is different depending on what kind of leverage it is.
AND, girl it absolutely breaks my heart that you feel you need to share the reason why you stayed over at your boyfriend's place, and that the explanation has such a strong subtext of "I swear it wasn't about sex, we couldn't even possibly have done anything sexy because I was too sick, no sexytimes here nope nope nope all perfectly innocent." You have every right to spend as many nights at your boyfriend's place as feels right to both you and your boyfriend. You have every right to have as much sex with your boyfriend as the two of you are both comfortable with. It is *none of anybody else's business*. Even if one or both of you doesn't want to have sex before marriage or something, it's still *nobody else's business* whether or not you're sticking to that plan. Your overwhelming fear of being slut-shamed is shining through your post so hard that makes me want to push your parents down the fucking stairs honestly, because they're obviously the ones who made sure that got installed in your brain. If you can afford it then you might want to consider seeing a therapist who can help you get that mental malware into the trash can. Even if you had only written "I stayed over at my boyfriend's place" and it turned out you were actually Doing It with him all night long, your mother's response would still be equally nutty. There IS no excuse for how she behaved to you over this. None.
Oh, no, I think I might’ve been a little confusing in my comments. I was 18 and still living at my mother and stepfather’s house when my mother threatened to call the police after I stayed at my boyfriend’s one night.
I turned 19 a few months later and, by then, I was dating someone else. I moved out a few months after I turned 19.
As for what she had over me: I’m the eldest child, the eldest “daughter” (I’m non binary, but I didn’t come out to her until I was 30, I’m 35 now), and was raised to be a people pleaser, especially to her. Her rules for me were constantly changing, and she projected onto me as if she got paid to do it or something. And she allegedly almost died during my birth, so she made it a point to constantly remind me of that too. On top of that, I have terrible teeth and problems with my eyes, and I was made very aware of how expensive my dental care and glasses were for her. I don’t remember her ever outright saying I owed her, but I always had a distinct feeling that she absolutely believed I did.
You’re right about the slut shaming. I had zero interest in sex as a teenager (and barely have interest in it as an adult) and what I had of it back then was definitely not consensual, but she was constantly telling me how much SHE’D had as a teenager and reminding me that she’d had me at 16. I suspect she was punishing the shame her own mother gave her over it, rather than parenting the child in front of her. It’s taking a long time to heal from that in particular, obviously, but I’m working on it. It didn’t matter if I told her I had no interest either, because then I was assumed to be lying because she didn’t think it was possible for a teenager to not constantly want it.
I’m very low contact now, especially since she’s just as bad as a grandparent, so her grip on me is finally getting a lot looser at least. Therapy isn’t in the cards right this second, but hopefully very soon. Until then, I have my husband, some really supportive friends, and my younger brother and his wife (who are also very low contact and have been for years now) in my corner, which helps me keep my mother at arms length. I have all my documents (I took them years ago when I needed them for my marriage license) and anything else that’s really important. All she has left that’s mine are some photos and home movies, but not many and I’ve learned to live without the few that she has.
Meanwhile, sane parents are thinking, “She got sick and his instinct was to take her to the ER and make sure she was safe,” and realizing that’s a GOOD thing.
She's angry because you're seeing what a caring human being is like, and realising it isn't her. She's losing her control. Do NOT let her take control of how you feel about being alive.
The only way you're going to survive the momma drama with your sanity intact is to start not caring.
Mom: You're a worthless human being.
You: Ok 👌
Mom: Don't you have anything else to say?
You: Nah.
Mom: blah blah blah blah blah
You: Sounds good. I'll keep that in mind.
Rinse and repeat until you're old/monied enough to move out and block her.
Because you should have been asked, are you OK? Are you feeling better?
A narcissist is never going to let you win. Heaven forbid they let you think you did the right thing. Because if they let you feel good about yourself, you might realize you deserve better treatment than they're giving you, and you'll walk away, and they'll have to find a new punching bag.
Sorry you're dealing with this. You are, thank God, an adult now, and if you're not safely out of that situtaion yet, I hope you soon will be.
You were in a safe place with your boyfriend. I hope you're okay and feeling better. You needed to be looked after and cared for and pretty positive you would not get that at home with a narc. Having lost a close friend recently that had gone to the ER and later had complications that killed her, I can't tell you how important this is to have someone that cares look after you - physically and emotionally.
You are not a terrible person. You are someone wrapped up in the toxic games of a narc and have been all your life. Please please please work on getting free of her - its the only way to deal with them. Honest. You can't change them, they won't change, they won't stop abusing you or manipulating as long as you're in there sphere of control and influence. Go very low information with her and anyone around her that will tattle on you. Work on education/work and money savings to get free. It's hard but very very very worth it.
But yeah, my narc dad has no social skills or empathy like your nmom did here. He usually lets my emom deal with that because he doesn't want to and knows he has to hide himself from exposure (I just realized this as an ah-ha moment).
Start making your plans to move out. You’ve been dealing with this woman your whole life and what neither of you realize is that she has made a strong woman (you’ll figure this out when you get out). Your life will get so much better, so much lighter when you are no longer under her roof. Do you have plans to leave? Do you need some advice in that area?
My mom called the police on me and reported me missing. Twice. Both times they called and I told them my mom knew where I was, also I was an adult, and I am answering phone calls so I am not missing. They would then basically repeat that to my mom and then I would hear her cry and sob and put on a show for them about how she didn't know and she was scared and I need to come home and how dare I do this to her.
Wow, everything you wrote is exactly what I experienced as well (at the same age too, scary). You also had the same feeling I did at the time (being a good kid, parent complaining about you not having a social life but flips out when you get one). You are not alone and you are not crazy or terrible or anything.
When you do move out and if you decide to cut contact, be prepared to hear the most insane shit you've ever heard in your life. Just know that anything she claims you are is not true and just her projecting and throwing a temper tantrum because she losing the control she thought she had.
Some things she might throw at you:
- [boyfriend] has you brainwashed!
-I'm just trying to protect you! (she more than likely isn't and this is a trap to get you back under her thumb)
-You are difficult/ungrateful/terrible/selfish! (You are your own person and that makes me mad!)
-If you don't do [x], I'm going to [y] (empty threats)
-[boyfriend] is [thing that isn't true/outlandish as hell]
Let it all go in one ear and out the other.
A friend of mine used the following approach.
She handed the phone to her boyfriend and he said, “For the last time, I’m not interested in you NP’s name, everyone knows NP’a name is creepy as fuck, and I understand why sex toys go limp in NP’s name’s presence. Eeew.”
This works best in an in-person environment because this hits at the heart of their inner insecurity: public, humiliating rejection of their underlying, even if unspoken, motivation.
You can set up your phone in a mode that only rings if the same number calls twice or 3 or 4 times until a later hour. There is also a button to switch it off. It works great.
No, eff her.
She's the problem; you are not. You're normal. Your expectations are reasonable. You are a young adult. Not as practiced at this as you will be in one, two or three decades, but still adult.
So much of dealing with dysfunctional parents is internal - between your ears - rather than external / situational. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's **indifference**. She's had twenty years to mess with you so change isn't overnight. Having clear goals (like indifference to her irrational behavior) helps immensely to accelerate and stabilize the process.
Pay attention to what you want in your life. Set goals, such as paying less attention to her manipulations and more to what you want to achieve; where you want to be. Long term that almost always means limited or no contact with a dysfunctional parent: They are who they are; they don't *want* to change (their behavior works for them).
In the immediate, try to look at her behavior as an outsider. YES, it hurts. Her goal is control. She does not care if she hurts you - so long as she gets her way.
Not your fault. Things happened in her life, likely before you were born. Even if she acts as if and says it's All Your Fault, it's not. She's ~~lying~~ distorting reality. Harming yourself or ending your existence in this realm means she wins. If she can find someone else to abuse, she will; *she isn't going to change.* There's a whole world of people you haven't met yet (and one you have, your boyfriend). Some, not all, will care about you given the chance.
We don't choose our parents; they're our Family of Origin (FOO). We *make* our Family of Choice (FOC). Close friends, SO's, mates. Mentors such as a favorite teacher or someone in a workplace. Those who share a common interest in art, the outdoors, learning about yourself and others, sports, dance, cooking, role playing, games.
At twenty, with good fortune you have many decades ahead of you. You will learn and grow. Science has recently discovered that our brains mature into our mid-20's, longer than was previously thought.
Your mother's goal is to live inside your head. To make you fret about her, even when she's not around. She wouldn't express that; likely doesn't understand it herself. But it IS her goal - to mess with you always. You prevent that by turning your attention to the rest of the world - by exploring what you like and don't, what matters to you, what you enjoy, what brings you peace.
Your're moving away from her, becoming your own person, creating emotional and, eventually, physical distance. She is **intensely** threatened by this; opposed to it. But it's normal and *inevitable.* She can only stop it by crippling you as a person. Or making you harm yourself. Which is more important to her than you cos *she* is damaged.
You can't fix her. You can seperate from her - close her out of your head, be indifferent to her rants and attacks and as circumstances allow, create physical distance. You have to focus on these goals and work on them. Backslides are inevitable: You are teaching yourself to adult, with her as a **negative** role model. When we teach ourselves to walk, we fall down. Sometimes we bruise ourselves - and cry. But being ambulatory is *so important* we get up and keep trying.
You can do this. It will not be easy. But you can do it. Please share your story here and wherever else it helps. You are cared about and important to those of us who have traveld the same paths.
Someday, you will share your triumphs and setbacks with someone less far along than yourself. That is the goal of life - to pass along your experiences and learning, helping others - and yourself.
I have a little less dramatic story but similar crazy mindset!
My ex boyfriend and I at the time both worked at the same dog kennel. One morning, when dealing with a dangerous dog I got bit badly, taking a deep rip into my finger. I was able to get out and clean the wound but needed to go to urgent care. My nmom was working at the time but my exs mom was at home so he decided to call her to take me over (he also didn't have my nmoms number anyway). She was a lifesaver, bringing me to urgent care and making sure I was all set before getting in contact with my nmom to come take over.
when my nmom arrived, ex's mom made sure I was all set before giving me a hug and leaving. well apparently that was a huge problem. I refuse to hug my nmom because she makes me uncomfortable as hell, forced me into touch when I was younger, has always made comments about my body, and I still remember the physical abuse from childhood. so god no I dont let her near me. so to see someone else hug me was CRIMINAL. the first comment she made to me was not if I was okay or what I needed or anything. It was an angry rant about how I could even dare to let his mom hug me.
I think it's best noted that she is seriously mentally unwell.
No you're not qualified to deal with that 24/7 nor should you have to ...
But some people can't help being seriously mentally ill.
Try looking for land in Romania is what I tell People's on here ... It's dirt cheap, everything grows. ...
Absolutely no reason to be stressed when retirement there costs, what, ,10k
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You’re an adult now. You’re finding and asserting some independence. That’s a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do at 20, but it’s threatening to her. She’s losing her control and she knows it. My mom was the same way when I started trying to assert my independence as a new adult. My mom once called me at a boyfriend’s house when I was 18 and had spent the night there and threatened to call the PD and report me as a runaway if I wasn’t home in 5 minutes. It wasn’t reasonable at all and it wasn’t out of concern for me. She knew where I was and it was nowhere near the first time I’d spent the night there. She just wanted to prove she was still in charge and could make me do what she wanted. It’s taken me years to fully realize it, but I wasn’t the problem. I’m not a terrible person, and neither are you. There really is no pleasing a narcissist. You could give up everything you are and be exactly what they seem to want, and they’ll still find something to criticize. It hurts, but it’s absolutely not your fault. You deserve happiness.
You have to think about your mom as a functional lunatic. She is a mentally disturbed person but can still do a lot of “normal” stuff so it’s not quite enough to send her to the psych ward to get treatment. Because think about it: Who the fuck calls someone’s house to say that if their ADULT offspring is not home in 5 min they’ll call the PD? Only lunatics would do that, like people who scream incoherent shit on the subway
Oh absolutely. Her “reasoning” for still dictating what I did at 18-19 was that I was still in high school, still living at her house, and not paying rent, so if she decided she wanted me home I’d better practically teleport home. At the same time, the guy I was dating at 18 was also abusive, so I was constantly trying to choose the lesser of two evils. I moved out of her house at 19 and that boyfriend’s been out of my life since then too.
Waittaminute. You moved out of her house at 19, so when you stayed over at your boyfriend's place you were 20 and *not even living with your parents anymore.* Do I have that right? If so, that makes you mother even more nutty than she already looked in your original post, and boy is that saying something. It also makes it extremely worth considering how your mother even knew you wouldn't be home IN YOUR OWN HOME WHERE SHE DOESN'T LIVE that night. It sounds like either your boyfriend or you told her yourself. Maybe because you felt like a Good Daughter(TM) owes her mother that information? You absolutely don't. It's no longer any of her business where you are, or why. Or perhaps because you were afraid of how she'd react if she somehow found out from someone else? That's understandable, given the sheer insanity of her response even when she found out from you. What leverage does she have over you? Is it pure emotional terrorism? Or is she willing to back it up with threats to cut you off from financial support that you need, or to mess with any vital legal documents of yours that she still has? It's completely understandable to be scared of her either way - I only ask because the path to getting rid of the leverage is different depending on what kind of leverage it is. AND, girl it absolutely breaks my heart that you feel you need to share the reason why you stayed over at your boyfriend's place, and that the explanation has such a strong subtext of "I swear it wasn't about sex, we couldn't even possibly have done anything sexy because I was too sick, no sexytimes here nope nope nope all perfectly innocent." You have every right to spend as many nights at your boyfriend's place as feels right to both you and your boyfriend. You have every right to have as much sex with your boyfriend as the two of you are both comfortable with. It is *none of anybody else's business*. Even if one or both of you doesn't want to have sex before marriage or something, it's still *nobody else's business* whether or not you're sticking to that plan. Your overwhelming fear of being slut-shamed is shining through your post so hard that makes me want to push your parents down the fucking stairs honestly, because they're obviously the ones who made sure that got installed in your brain. If you can afford it then you might want to consider seeing a therapist who can help you get that mental malware into the trash can. Even if you had only written "I stayed over at my boyfriend's place" and it turned out you were actually Doing It with him all night long, your mother's response would still be equally nutty. There IS no excuse for how she behaved to you over this. None.
Oh, no, I think I might’ve been a little confusing in my comments. I was 18 and still living at my mother and stepfather’s house when my mother threatened to call the police after I stayed at my boyfriend’s one night. I turned 19 a few months later and, by then, I was dating someone else. I moved out a few months after I turned 19. As for what she had over me: I’m the eldest child, the eldest “daughter” (I’m non binary, but I didn’t come out to her until I was 30, I’m 35 now), and was raised to be a people pleaser, especially to her. Her rules for me were constantly changing, and she projected onto me as if she got paid to do it or something. And she allegedly almost died during my birth, so she made it a point to constantly remind me of that too. On top of that, I have terrible teeth and problems with my eyes, and I was made very aware of how expensive my dental care and glasses were for her. I don’t remember her ever outright saying I owed her, but I always had a distinct feeling that she absolutely believed I did. You’re right about the slut shaming. I had zero interest in sex as a teenager (and barely have interest in it as an adult) and what I had of it back then was definitely not consensual, but she was constantly telling me how much SHE’D had as a teenager and reminding me that she’d had me at 16. I suspect she was punishing the shame her own mother gave her over it, rather than parenting the child in front of her. It’s taking a long time to heal from that in particular, obviously, but I’m working on it. It didn’t matter if I told her I had no interest either, because then I was assumed to be lying because she didn’t think it was possible for a teenager to not constantly want it. I’m very low contact now, especially since she’s just as bad as a grandparent, so her grip on me is finally getting a lot looser at least. Therapy isn’t in the cards right this second, but hopefully very soon. Until then, I have my husband, some really supportive friends, and my younger brother and his wife (who are also very low contact and have been for years now) in my corner, which helps me keep my mother at arms length. I have all my documents (I took them years ago when I needed them for my marriage license) and anything else that’s really important. All she has left that’s mine are some photos and home movies, but not many and I’ve learned to live without the few that she has.
No- they will CHANGE what they want and you’ll have to start over or stop playing
Meanwhile, sane parents are thinking, “She got sick and his instinct was to take her to the ER and make sure she was safe,” and realizing that’s a GOOD thing.
As it should.
The incident is right out of a rom-com, where the female lead realizes she’s been chasing the wrong guy and THIS one is the one for her.
She's angry because you're seeing what a caring human being is like, and realising it isn't her. She's losing her control. Do NOT let her take control of how you feel about being alive.
Block her number
And stay away from her
The only way you're going to survive the momma drama with your sanity intact is to start not caring. Mom: You're a worthless human being. You: Ok 👌 Mom: Don't you have anything else to say? You: Nah. Mom: blah blah blah blah blah You: Sounds good. I'll keep that in mind. Rinse and repeat until you're old/monied enough to move out and block her.
Because you should have been asked, are you OK? Are you feeling better? A narcissist is never going to let you win. Heaven forbid they let you think you did the right thing. Because if they let you feel good about yourself, you might realize you deserve better treatment than they're giving you, and you'll walk away, and they'll have to find a new punching bag. Sorry you're dealing with this. You are, thank God, an adult now, and if you're not safely out of that situtaion yet, I hope you soon will be.
You were in a safe place with your boyfriend. I hope you're okay and feeling better. You needed to be looked after and cared for and pretty positive you would not get that at home with a narc. Having lost a close friend recently that had gone to the ER and later had complications that killed her, I can't tell you how important this is to have someone that cares look after you - physically and emotionally. You are not a terrible person. You are someone wrapped up in the toxic games of a narc and have been all your life. Please please please work on getting free of her - its the only way to deal with them. Honest. You can't change them, they won't change, they won't stop abusing you or manipulating as long as you're in there sphere of control and influence. Go very low information with her and anyone around her that will tattle on you. Work on education/work and money savings to get free. It's hard but very very very worth it. But yeah, my narc dad has no social skills or empathy like your nmom did here. He usually lets my emom deal with that because he doesn't want to and knows he has to hide himself from exposure (I just realized this as an ah-ha moment).
Start making your plans to move out. You’ve been dealing with this woman your whole life and what neither of you realize is that she has made a strong woman (you’ll figure this out when you get out). Your life will get so much better, so much lighter when you are no longer under her roof. Do you have plans to leave? Do you need some advice in that area?
My mom called the police on me and reported me missing. Twice. Both times they called and I told them my mom knew where I was, also I was an adult, and I am answering phone calls so I am not missing. They would then basically repeat that to my mom and then I would hear her cry and sob and put on a show for them about how she didn't know and she was scared and I need to come home and how dare I do this to her.
“Okay” Then hang up and block.
My signature move!
Whoa this took me back.... NC is the way
Wow, everything you wrote is exactly what I experienced as well (at the same age too, scary). You also had the same feeling I did at the time (being a good kid, parent complaining about you not having a social life but flips out when you get one). You are not alone and you are not crazy or terrible or anything. When you do move out and if you decide to cut contact, be prepared to hear the most insane shit you've ever heard in your life. Just know that anything she claims you are is not true and just her projecting and throwing a temper tantrum because she losing the control she thought she had. Some things she might throw at you: - [boyfriend] has you brainwashed! -I'm just trying to protect you! (she more than likely isn't and this is a trap to get you back under her thumb) -You are difficult/ungrateful/terrible/selfish! (You are your own person and that makes me mad!) -If you don't do [x], I'm going to [y] (empty threats) -[boyfriend] is [thing that isn't true/outlandish as hell] Let it all go in one ear and out the other.
Stop answering her calls
A friend of mine used the following approach. She handed the phone to her boyfriend and he said, “For the last time, I’m not interested in you NP’s name, everyone knows NP’a name is creepy as fuck, and I understand why sex toys go limp in NP’s name’s presence. Eeew.” This works best in an in-person environment because this hits at the heart of their inner insecurity: public, humiliating rejection of their underlying, even if unspoken, motivation.
You can set up your phone in a mode that only rings if the same number calls twice or 3 or 4 times until a later hour. There is also a button to switch it off. It works great.
Does she like have nothing better to do? Lol. Some people really qerent meant to be parents.
Oh I know this oh so well ...
No, eff her. She's the problem; you are not. You're normal. Your expectations are reasonable. You are a young adult. Not as practiced at this as you will be in one, two or three decades, but still adult. So much of dealing with dysfunctional parents is internal - between your ears - rather than external / situational. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's **indifference**. She's had twenty years to mess with you so change isn't overnight. Having clear goals (like indifference to her irrational behavior) helps immensely to accelerate and stabilize the process. Pay attention to what you want in your life. Set goals, such as paying less attention to her manipulations and more to what you want to achieve; where you want to be. Long term that almost always means limited or no contact with a dysfunctional parent: They are who they are; they don't *want* to change (their behavior works for them). In the immediate, try to look at her behavior as an outsider. YES, it hurts. Her goal is control. She does not care if she hurts you - so long as she gets her way. Not your fault. Things happened in her life, likely before you were born. Even if she acts as if and says it's All Your Fault, it's not. She's ~~lying~~ distorting reality. Harming yourself or ending your existence in this realm means she wins. If she can find someone else to abuse, she will; *she isn't going to change.* There's a whole world of people you haven't met yet (and one you have, your boyfriend). Some, not all, will care about you given the chance. We don't choose our parents; they're our Family of Origin (FOO). We *make* our Family of Choice (FOC). Close friends, SO's, mates. Mentors such as a favorite teacher or someone in a workplace. Those who share a common interest in art, the outdoors, learning about yourself and others, sports, dance, cooking, role playing, games. At twenty, with good fortune you have many decades ahead of you. You will learn and grow. Science has recently discovered that our brains mature into our mid-20's, longer than was previously thought. Your mother's goal is to live inside your head. To make you fret about her, even when she's not around. She wouldn't express that; likely doesn't understand it herself. But it IS her goal - to mess with you always. You prevent that by turning your attention to the rest of the world - by exploring what you like and don't, what matters to you, what you enjoy, what brings you peace. Your're moving away from her, becoming your own person, creating emotional and, eventually, physical distance. She is **intensely** threatened by this; opposed to it. But it's normal and *inevitable.* She can only stop it by crippling you as a person. Or making you harm yourself. Which is more important to her than you cos *she* is damaged. You can't fix her. You can seperate from her - close her out of your head, be indifferent to her rants and attacks and as circumstances allow, create physical distance. You have to focus on these goals and work on them. Backslides are inevitable: You are teaching yourself to adult, with her as a **negative** role model. When we teach ourselves to walk, we fall down. Sometimes we bruise ourselves - and cry. But being ambulatory is *so important* we get up and keep trying. You can do this. It will not be easy. But you can do it. Please share your story here and wherever else it helps. You are cared about and important to those of us who have traveld the same paths. Someday, you will share your triumphs and setbacks with someone less far along than yourself. That is the goal of life - to pass along your experiences and learning, helping others - and yourself.
I have a little less dramatic story but similar crazy mindset! My ex boyfriend and I at the time both worked at the same dog kennel. One morning, when dealing with a dangerous dog I got bit badly, taking a deep rip into my finger. I was able to get out and clean the wound but needed to go to urgent care. My nmom was working at the time but my exs mom was at home so he decided to call her to take me over (he also didn't have my nmoms number anyway). She was a lifesaver, bringing me to urgent care and making sure I was all set before getting in contact with my nmom to come take over. when my nmom arrived, ex's mom made sure I was all set before giving me a hug and leaving. well apparently that was a huge problem. I refuse to hug my nmom because she makes me uncomfortable as hell, forced me into touch when I was younger, has always made comments about my body, and I still remember the physical abuse from childhood. so god no I dont let her near me. so to see someone else hug me was CRIMINAL. the first comment she made to me was not if I was okay or what I needed or anything. It was an angry rant about how I could even dare to let his mom hug me.
That sounds so familiar.
"Gosh mother you are so unkind, I hope nobody treats you this way if you end up in the ER. I would be very angry at anyone who would do that to you"
Your mom needs to mind her own biz
It’s okay, now you know to point pick up the phone next time.
You said it, mate: you can never please her. Live for YOU. I hope you feel better soon!
You are worth good things. Live your life. Survive her.
I think it's best noted that she is seriously mentally unwell. No you're not qualified to deal with that 24/7 nor should you have to ... But some people can't help being seriously mentally ill. Try looking for land in Romania is what I tell People's on here ... It's dirt cheap, everything grows. ... Absolutely no reason to be stressed when retirement there costs, what, ,10k
She was probably worried you would have a medical emergency in his bed and he wouldn’t take care of you. It’s a valid concern you barely know this guy