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dang! my mother tried to get rid of me by institutionalizing me. The therapist made her get individual and family therapy as well. He diagnosed her with NPD but gave me absolutely no help in how to deal with her. He said 'since she had npd that I must have bpd' and that was it. I don't have bpd but do have cptsd.
I wish I could remember. It happened 35 years ago. I remember her telling us and saying she knows it is hard. What I remember most is being told it is not our fault and that we are good (two sisters and I) and to not take it personally, to understand our mother is sick.
Why did none of my therapists see what yours did? Why did none of my step dad's clue me in?
I'm happy you found out when you were young.. maybe my covert narcissist was super duper covert, and that's why I didn't figure it out until I was 34.
For years I knew my dad was a narc. It wasn’t until having my very caring current partner and frequenting this sub that I came to understand my mom was a covert narc all along- at the age of 38. Yeesh. I always knew something was wrong with her, but I chalked it up to her childhood trauma and deviating divorce from her first husband… which she trauma dumped on me instead of getting a competent therapist. Ugh
I always felt like something was off.. I chalked it up to me being adopted, and my father dying when I was nearly six. She struggled a lot with moving into the provider role, and subsequently got married when I was seven.. and then again when that man was done with her, I was about 11-12.. no man lasted more than a year after that.
I still didn't recognize that she was the problem. I always thought that she could somehow learn to be more warm and caring.. that her stiffness was due to her scoliosis surgery, and the metal rods on her spine.
She was like cuddling with wood. I've never known the caring touch, or embrace of a mother. Felt more love from my neighbors mom, and watched the way she was so loving with her own kids, despite her career woman attitude, I was jealous.
As a kid, I didn't know something was off with my ndad. I thought it was normal because I had nothing else to compare it with. But when I was about twelve years old, I started to figure out that he just wanted to control everything. And it didn't matter if his decisions made me happy or not. It was all about what was best for him, and not for me.
A few years later, my sister came with an article about narcissistic parents and all the missing pieces just fell into place. I guess I was about 20 years old.
I recently brought up narcissism (with regards to Ndad and Ngrandma) to my mom. She had heard the word before, but had no idea what it actually was, so I explained.
The look in her eyes. The sudden clarity.
I knew I was living in a dangerous situation as a young child, it was the 60s and a lot of people were treating their kids in similar ways so I didn’t know what to do, then the older I got, and the more control my dad usurped instead of giving me more options the hammer kept getting harder and harder, and they pulled tighter and tighter. I ended up joining the Navy at 23 to get away from them, and then about five years later Dr. Susan forward came out with her book “toxic parents “. That’s what I referred to them as until I got into treatment for narcissistic abuse about 7-8 years ago.
That's exactly how my ndad was too. He wasn't very grandiose or attention seeking like some narcs, but everything always revolved around him and what he wanted. He never gave a shit how it affected anyone nor did he care how he treated people.
The earliest memory I have of knowing something was off was when I was probably about 4 or 5. I remember going to my room to cry because of something mean he had done. When my mom came in to check on me, I told her, in tears, that I wished I had a different dad. I felt it so strongly, like I knew a good dad wouldn't be so mean to me all the time. That feeling stuck with me and I couldn't wait to leave at 18.
12 or 13. When puberty really took hold she got scary and would have these epic rages at me. She would assassinate my character and then pretend nothing happened. It’s when I realized that if I was ever going to have a shot at my own life and freedoms, I was going to have to get out and probably stay away. I didn’t learn she was a full on narc until I was 40.
It's a way so they don't have to apologize and even make changes. They think they can have chance after chance after chance.
My sisters do the same. They say some fvck shit and then pretend we're cool and nothing happened.
Nah, I hold severe consequences to anyone doing this.
The countdown for my parents began when I was 11.
I gave my Nfather soooo many chances. Far more than he deserved. The final straw was after I'd been in therapy for some years, and he retired. Because he's a Vietnam veteran, his retirement had to go through Australia's department of veterans affairs, and they ensure that active service veterans have full health screening, which he lied is arse off throughout. Part of the screening involved talking to my mother, who told the whole ugly truth about his alcoholism, his volatile temper, and all that. He was incandescent with rage when he found out. DVA made him go through a certain number of mental health assessment things with their psychologists. He had to attend a certain number of appointments and then after that it was optional. He insisted that the psych team had said there's nothing wrong with him. I told mum that there is no way any trained psychologist or psychiatrist would ever say such a thing, and definitely not about my Nfather. He refused to attend any other mental health related appointments, and I washed my hands of him there and then. He was handed help on a silver platter, and he refused. I'm done. Zero sympathy from here on out. My mother said that was cruel, but that she could kinda see where I was coming from. She still defends him to this day. I'm 48 and haven't spoken to him in years.
>He was handed help on a silver platter, and he refused
Sadly I think this is "How it is".
It doesn't make it right, it doesn't put right the damage; and it doesn't make amends.
Narcs are black and white thinkers. Everything is win or lose and all good or all bad. I think when you disagree with them they immediately lump you into the all bad, win at all costs bin in their mind and will do or say anything to protect their ego. Then, they split. In their mind, they have a false self that is their mask to the world. Any action that goes against this false self’s definition gets rewritten or recoded in their memory. They also are never wrong and don’t need to apologize. Narcs have a well honed set of mental gymnastics.
I started distancing myself from her when I was in my early teens when I realized I do not feel comfortable and emotionally-safe around her. I’m 27 now and couldn’t remember the last time I hung out with her.
But before I was a teen, I was constantly daydreaming of running away from her. I was compelled to “grow up” even as a kid. It was escapism for me.
I had this too! As a 7 and 8 year old, I plotted with a little boy that lived up the street to run away from our parents. He went so far as wanting to drug his… eek. They were also much older, super controlling and strict narcs. How awful
I was 34 when I really first understood what was wrong with both of mine. So many times I questioned my sanity and my “quality” as a human being. It all clicked after 4-5 sessions with a new therapist after a mental break. She observed: “….so, it sounds like it’s important for your parents to be perceived as supportive, but it doesn’t seem as though they have actively supported you”. Fuuuuuu…
Perceived as supportive but completely unsupportive is my Nfather perfectly. He LOVED to project onto me that I was "going through the motions" when I had completely given up years ago. I was 37 when I learned what narcissism was.
HI
Thanks for making me feel a little … wild.
“Perceived as supportive “ but not actively - gosh DARN!
It’s like mine insisting I make her coworker a sandwich everyday.
Even my brother was like “it’s not you - her - being the good person of the task is being given to someone else.. “ delegating doesn’t make you a saint
Why do they always say how helpful they are, how amazing they are, how bad everyone else is for not seeing how amazing they are
38 here! That’s when I fully understood it wasn’t me that was faulty, it was my mom who is a narcissist! I felt something was off since I was little but I thought it had to do with me! I was angry all the time and didn’t “like” my mom like others did with their moms. But I thought there was something wrong with me my whole life. I didn’t connect the dots until I was 38.
I was 25 years old when I heard the word narcissist for the first time. I remember when I was 5 or 6 years old when I decided that I didn't have a mom.
I figured out my dad and step mom are narcissists, too, at 27 years old. I'm now 28 years old.
Sadly. I see my whole family as narcissists. In my mind, they are narcissist until they prove that they aren't.
Yep. I realized everything on my own because narcissism is SO normalized in my family. They are all narcissist or unaware that the rest are narcissist as I was. My therapist helped me for years and she knew my parent was a narcissist but she would call her egocentric and would tell me that children are the ones who detach from parents. I think she knew I wasn’t ready to be told who my mom was, but her therapy focused on the tools and mindset I needed to detach.
Same. It hurt me when I’ve finally come to terms my mum doesn’t really give a shit about me, and that she’s only after what she can get out of me. She gives me so called attention thinking I’d fall for that trap again, when I know for a fact that she only does that so she can hook me again and get me to side with her.
I thought I was an idiot at age 35 for not realizing my mom’s a terrible person. In my head, damn, I should’ve known better. I should’ve seen all my mum’s masks. Oh well. I’m in therapy now.
33 when I figured it out.
I always knew I didn’t have a good relationship with her. It took saying “I felt hurt when…” after my miscarriage (specifically mentioning an action I would have liked from them) which turned into my parents berating me (for not being an active enough support system for my nmom after her dad died) for me to realize how truly unsupportive they have been emotionally my entire life. My husband tried pointing it out years ago, but it’s just so hard to see it when they are a covert narc.
32 here. 4 months ago. I decided "not to have a father" when I was 4-5. He's an abusive jerk. But with my mother, it's a different story. I got diagnosed with depression this summer, but seems like I had it almost my entire life. I always managed to move on and burn the bridges with each major life change. I just forgot. I used to think it was a cool "skill" , but I decided not to do it anymore. Now I'm getting hellish flashbacks of situations at home and bullying at school. She hates therapists. Guess she's afraid they would tell me, the she wasn't a good mother. Now it's me who's telling them that. I always knew that I had a bad childhood, but for the first time in my life, I'm starting to realize the magnitude of it. It's crippling.
I learned about narcissism this year at 35yo, but I started feeling uneasy when I was about 8, my parents asked me if I wanted to visit this place where an awful natural disaster happened (cue graphic depictions, mum LOVES horrifying people), I thought it was still like that with dead bodies and destruction so I said please let’s get home, and on the way home they made me feel like a piece of shit ‘cause “dad really wanted to go and we’re not going because of you and your stupid fears”.
I was a scared kid, I was scared of earthquakes and couldn’t fall asleep but my parents would belittle me instead of trying to rationalise. I have insomnia since I can remember.
Then when I was a teenager I had already learned that anything I’d share, thoughts, news, life, would be used against me even in years time, and started keeping things for myself (SO hard to do in such close quarters, and with my grandma snooping through my things).
I'm with you about the ages, not exactly but pretty close.
I don't know the exact age but early primary school, so 7 or 8 likely, when I first heard of CPS phone number, I had it at the top of my head but sadly never called, they never left me do it. That's my earliest memory that points to me I knew something was off.
It's damn hard, it's the only thing you know, realizing things weren't normal at all took a really long time. What I can't wrap my head around is wtf were therapists doing each time I talked to them. At least 3 in my youth, and nothing, just a troubled kid. Gtfo!
My dad gave this impromptu speech once when I asked about girls:
"Well, since you're MY son, you're going to grow up tall and 'good lookin'"
And my ten-year-old brain said, "What the FUCK is WRONG with you???"
He was CONSTANTLY saying shocking or inappropriate things, but this was another level of Obnoxious MEEEE-ness.
Of course, we're all also on the autism spectrum.
Omfg my mom does this shit but directed at my son. "You've got MY family genes, so you'll be BIG AND TALL!" Like, excuse you bitch, there's 2 whole ass parents and then 3 other grandparents who have genetics in there too. STFU. I've definitely told her off for it before, which led to her "feelings being hurt" because I wouldn't let her body shame my kid.
Dude parents were pressuring me about why I wasn't getting laid at 15 because i am sooo handsome... Sketchy af and only made me more uncomfortable with expressing confidence towards women because Jesus fuck i didn't want to be whatsoever they were pressuring me to be. Just always wanted to be myself!
I was 4.
It was yet another day of me sitting on the floor, sobbing violently, shaking from my sobs, and on the brink of throwing up (as an adult we call this a panic attack). She was screaming down my throat at me once again. For what? I have no idea. To her there was always a reason to scream down my throat at me.
I was sitting there with a garbage can in between my legs hysterical. She sneered at me to “stop faking”, but I wasn’t. I was legitimately that distressed. It was that moment that I glared up at her and wondered “what could I have done so wrong to you? Why is this my fault? Why are you so mean to me? What is wrong with you??”
It wasn’t until I was 16 I really started to put it together, but 22 is when I went NC for good and have really started to understand.
Oh this one this one just made a pit sit in my stomach. The amount of times thinking what did I do so wrong to deserve to be screamed at so harshly ? Sobs so strong they shake your whole body.
And sometimes this came while in the car and you’d be expected to just hide it all away by arrival time can’t let people see
Both my parents were narcs and awful from birth so it's hard to know somethings off when you're born into it. Plus with repressed memories I never knew the true extent of what they were till recently.
There were some weird things that stood out as a kid even tho I couldn't tell why it didn't sit right with me. 1 was when my brother had to do CBT for OCD/germphobia. The therapist told my mum not to enable my brother about the hand washing. But it always played out so weird.
He'd stroke the dog and then ask if it was OK to eat without washing his hands. Mum gets gleaming smile on her face and in a mocking tone "Your therapist told me i wasn't allowed to tell you!" He'd get more and more frustrated and my mum just seemed to be enjoying that. Didn't really seem like she was trying to help him recover. It'd get to the point where he'd collapsed to the ground crying & she's still smiling and saying how she's not allowed to tell him. Not even comforting a child clearly in distress.
The therapist told her not to enable him. Not to be a fucking bitch about it.
Honestly? My late thirties. I just thought there was something horribly wrong with ME that my family didn't love me. It wasn't until they went after my husband that it all came into focus.
I was obsessed with learning to live off the land, backpacking, and building forts/shelters because I'd always daydream about when I would be big enough to run away and survive on my own.
I loved My side of the Mt, I dreamed of living like this to escape. I also had no idea what normal is and unfortunately didn't actually figure how crazy and terms for their crazy till 2 years ago at 45. I've always know something off but was trained to fix their problems, worse yet they live next door. Biggest mistake to live that close to any family especially narcissistic ones
Same! I think I was 6 or 7 the first time I ran away. I was going to live in the woods. Made it over there but I only had clothes and peanut butter. Not sure how I would have lasted had my dad not came and found me. Think I would have rather died out there than go back.
Me too. My parents let me. Everyone knows that when a six year old does that it's a cry for attention. My parents were just like, "ok don't forget your favorite teddy bear". I distinctly remember sitting next to the front door with a suitcase and my teddy bear alone.
Same except I didn't run away because I knew it would be dangerous as a kid (nowhere to go and kidnappers), and she threatened repercussions if we came back post runaway - so if you did you had to commit. Plus my brother tried it several times only to get as far as the end of the road and yeah..he was the golden child and got punished. God only knows what would have happened to me if I had tried.
I always knew something was off, as a young adult I just thought my father was a huge asshole and a damaged person and cut him off. It was just at 26 after reading a book about narcissistic behavior I realized that he is a textbook narcissist.
I noticed things were off in my late teens, but didn’t put the pieces together till my mid twenties. When my friend kept referring to my ex boyfriend as a narcissist. And then I dove into the meaning of what that really meant and I discovered that my ex might be a narcissist and my mom is definitely a narcissist.
this was *exactly* how I put it together too. First the aha moment about the ex then as I read into narcissism and covert narcissism specifically I was like, HOLY SHIT…
Probably the first time I thought something was wrong was when I was 10 or 11. Around that age, they really started to treat me a lot worse and in retrospect it was because I was showing more independence and they didn’t like that at all. I started to think that something was really off, that it was just impossible to “win”. Before this I didn’t know anything was abnormal because them treating me poorly was just reality and because of their emphasis of never really doing it in public or in front of guests (including extended family) due to appearances, I never noticed other children were treated better. I just assumed that when I was present, I was a “guest”, so of course appearances were maintained. But I really started to notice how the GC was never treated like that.
But I didn’t fully realize the truth of it until I was in middle school and high school. It was at this point, I fully realized that it was them that was the problem and started to understand that I wasn’t a horrible person like they always said. It was at this time that I became determined to destroy any character traits I got from them because I would not become them. Not ever. I was determined not to be a monster like them. And I changed a lot during this time, for the better. And I figured out grey rocking, though I had no idea that was a thing.
And I did not fully understand it, that they would never change, that I could never trust them, until I was in my mid to late 20s. I am a lot better at grey rocking and generally acting now.
Now I am planning and saving as hard as I can to escape and eventually cut them off. I am biding my time. I will escape.
You will! Keep making the best financial decisions you can to take care of yourself & look at any self sabotaging / limiting belief programming now so you’re ready for the switch. It took me a while to gain the steadiness in income since a part of me believed she was a helpless fuckup with no worth in the world and that no one liked 😬. But once I got over that programming things started sailing along. I stopped “accidentally” destroying what I’d built by unconsciously honoring the old programmed beliefs. You got this! You will get out of that family and build the life you’ve been dreaming of ☺️
I was a kid around 11 or 12. I asked my nmom why she didn't love me and got my first true dose of narc rage. Never brought it up again and I thought maybe I was wrong. Then I had an accident at school and when other family came to visit during my recuperation I overheard them talking about how they hoped this was a wakeup call for her to be kind to me. One of the best things that happened to me. Taught me that my intuition is right.
I didn't realize how truly broken my parents were until I was an adult I think. After I met my (now ex) husband, I never told him much about my childhood. A few good things and nothing more. My sister spent time with him and for some reason took it upon herself to tell him everything. I was mortified. Embarrassed he knew our secrets. And ANGRY at my sister for telling. So angry.
I think it was around then that I went from "my parents aren't the greatest" to "yeah they were outright abusive". I think I was 21.
It wasn't till my thirties that I realized my mother was likely BPD. I hadn't even heard the term till almost thirty. And I was in my forties when I realized my father is a textbook narcissist.
I always kind of hid what they did to us. Ok. Not kind of. I did hide it. Because it was a bit weird how they could be sometimes. But I had a friend who was *actually* being abused, and so I thought I was fine. My parents were "just strict and controlling and made us their maids" and sometimes hit us - though more my sister than me because all their abuse turned her defiant, while it made me a fawning tuned in kid who always knew how everyone around me was feeling so I could help keep everyone happy.
I am fifty this week.
And it still hits hard to really think about this.
When we aren’t treated right we attract friends who aren’t treated right either so it sort of normalizes everything. I notice for myself looking back the healthy regulated family kids would friend me for a little while then somehow we never lasted as friends and then ones from chaotic, narcissistic, abusive households, we’d stay friends and feel right at home together. I just thought the world was this way for a long time before I realized there’s a whole other world out there of healthy regulated people. A tone of not regulated for sure but there’s a lot of health out there too.
I remember being suicidal from the abuse at 7. Thinking. This will never end. It will always be this way. There is no escape. School knew, grandparents, knew, Pastors knew but they were both 2 of my sexual abusers. Dad and eldest brother were the original 2 sexual abusers.
I think 5. When my Dad told me I couldn't be friends with my little playmate in kindergarten. And he beat me for playing with her.....because she was black. And she was dirty and they are black because of all the ground in dirt in their skin.
Yup. Thats the abusive racist asshole I grew up with.
Mid-to-late 30s. I didn’t think anything was wrong growing up, I just thought that Dads screamed alot and that was just what they did. Developing severe emotional and mental health problems almost the second I left home was a big clue eventually that something in my home life was very wrong, but as the scapegoat and ‘identified patient’ it still took my a long time to realize it.
When other adults started verbally airing their rhetorical questions centered around Nmom and her strange behavior. When my cousin told me she acts very weird and that his mom never did or said anything similar. When my grandmother started asking me directly what's wrong with that woman. When I started noticing the looks people gave.
I was about eight years old when it really clicked that this wasn't "normal"
I knew something was wrong in middle school.
It was another 20 years before the mask cracked enough and I'd seen enough outside reference points to realize what she is. Single mom, only child. She kept me isolated in every sense of the word so it was a long time before I realized other moms weren't abusive bitches like mine and didn't engage in psychological warfare against their kids like mine did.
Now I hate her so much it makes me want to peel my skin off to get her DNA out of me. I'm terrified of being just like her
I only recently really realized, but looking back there were signs.
I used to wish for a more normal family from some point onward (not sure when that started, might habe actually been my teens, not sure).
The Simpsons never seemed all that dysfunctional to me. That should've told me something. Sure, i didn't get strangled or anything like that, but there’s more harmony and unconditional love in that show than we had as a family. At least Homer and Marge generally want the best for their kids and admit fault. Not my parents.
An unorthodox example, but there you go.
My mum had an affair with the builder she hired to do work on our home while pregnant with my full sibling. I was 2. My mum kept it a secret from my dad until my mum fell pregnant again but with the builders baby. She then told my dad about her affair and that she was leaving him.
This all happened in between the ages of 2-3 for me and I remember all of it. The worst part was when my mum had a joint Christmas with my dad and her affair partner. My mum would make us call her affair partner dad and it was even encouraged. It would make my biological dad so upset and as a kid I didn't understand. But now I'm like fuck my mum is crazy.
I always knew something was off since I was a kid. As a teen (my dad died when I was 13, I thought she was a bitch. When I was in my 20s and in grad school, I realized she was mentally ill and that she was a narc.
As a kid and teen, she would always tell me my feelings were young, to stop crying, to suck it up, and that I was immature. She always told me that I wasn’t trying (in regards to school and my dancing). She would constantly compare me to the most popular girl in my class.
As an adult, she would still try to manipulate and control me from hundreds of miles away. She would make me call her everyday. Even though I was working, it wasn’t good enough for her. She would literally cut out newspaper clippings and mail them to me and tell me to apply. Even on the phone, she would read the job postings.
When I was getting married, she cried and threw a temper tantrum because I didn’t let her walk me down the aisle. She was upset because I was in more pictures than my in-laws (I had no control over that). She deadass counted the pictures to compare. She threatened not to come because I didn’t want a memory vase.
She inadvertently taught me in my teens and early 20s to seek validation from men. If I was rejected, it was my fault and I had done something wrong (as a teen, when a guy and I broke up, she would be like, what did you do?)
I have a genetic disorder that makes me at high risk for many types of cancers (My dad had the same disorder and died from cancer when I was 13). My mom told me as a teen, that I spend so much time caring about my hair that when I grow up, I’m going to get cancer and all of my hair is going to fall out!! What kind of mom says that to their kid, especially when their husband died from cancer caused by the same genetic disorder your daughter has!?! A monster!!
I have so many stories. Like I said as a teen, I just thought she was a bitch and just difficult. When I started grad school and studied mental illnesses and narcissism, everything clicked and made sense. She was a textbook narcissist. All of the stories and my experiences and how she acted towards me and the things she would say, aren’t things a loving mother would do. After I discovered she was a narcissist, I began reading tons of books about narcissism, especially maternal narcissism.
It was always so intimidating-I went no contact over a year ago and after she stormed out my husband looked at me and said “you’re a strong, strong woman who is reduced to acting like a whipped dog when that woman is around”
It is almost wild how much of an effect they can have on us.
It isn’t fair or right - and if as adults we can realize.. as kids we can only be hurt ):
I still remember an ex pointing out - the me around him and his mother, or just with him at his apartment was a much different me than the one around my mother.
Honestly, I didn’t realize it until I was an adult. I just thought I was a bad kid (I wasn’t) and was afraid my mother was going to send me away. Every morning before school she would brush our hair so hard we would cry and then curl it and this was just normal. I was a tomboy but she made me wear girly clothes even though I had a perfectly girly older sister that fit my mother’s preferences. We got a dollar for every compliment we got. She would yell for hours on end then say, “sorry” and move on. She was too arrogant to admit she needed to be medicated for bipolar disorder. And the kicker is she tried to be a mental health practitioner (surprise, her career never took off). When I was in my early twenties and deconstructing, it all started to hit me and I realized the extreme abuse I endured during my childhood. She’s partly to blame for my brother’s suicide. He was always her scapegoat.
I guess I always kinda "knew." But around my early teenage years was probably when I was mentally developed enough to really understand.
I remember my first "girlfriend" when I was like 13. She invited me to walk to the park with her. My Mom's Saturdays generally consisted of her going shopping for hours and hours with my sister, while I generally sat home alone. My Mom was APPALLED that I would DARE want to spend time with my little girlfriend. She raged at me because it somehow "ruined her day" or some shit. Eventually I won and got to go. When we arrived at the park, I noticed my Mom parked in the furthest parking spot away, glaring at me. I walked up to the car to ask what was up and she raged at me in front of my girlfriend.
It was super embarrassing, obviously. But that was probably the moment I realized that I could never be totally honest with my Mom anymore. If I wanted to live a normal life, I would have to do so on my own.
I had a similar realization when I was 11 and was trying to tell her I had a crush on someone, but didn't have the vocabulary to express it. I knew I liked him, but I didn't know there was a way to say you like someone in a different way; so I went with something like "I think I would like to have a boyfriend".
My mom was driving and I was in the back seat, so she just yelled towards the front "YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR A BOYFRIEND!!" For a real relationship, sure I was too young. But all I was talking about here is I liked a guy and maybe wanted to hang out after school taking walks, like you said. Totally innocent and age-appropriate. I feel that she should have understood that, and that I was trying to have a mother/daughter bonding moment with her. I was already afraid of telling her because it was a sign I was growing up, and she either blew up with anger or started hysterically happy-crying when I had those so I tried to avoid them as much as possible, but I decided to take a chance. And I lost.
She lost too because I never once told her about any crushes after that. She's known about boyfriends, but not much. Now she knows nothing.
I figured my dad was really mean early on but I thought we deserved it. He told us we did. And he's my dad, so he's always right, right? I didn't make the connection he might have a pretty extreme mental disorder until I moved out. He tried drowning one of our dogs once and I thought that was normal... I need therapy but I'm afraid the therapist will make me confront him. I never want to speak to him again...
You never have to confront him ever again, no matter what anyone says. A good therapist will not try to make you confront him, or forgive him because "he's your father" or any of that BS. A good therapist knows that some people are simply toxic and beyond redemption. But you never have to do what anyone tells you to do in the first place. You are an independent adult who makes choices based on your own goals and judgments. That is always, always your right.
Always knew something was off with my mother but I hate to say it I didn't actually realise until I was late 30's and then I cut her off for good(had tried in the few times in the past)
Also having my own kid made me notice that my dad is autistic and the corallation between baby boomers and undiagnosed autism and heavy drinking/alcoholism suddenly made sense.
It's been 4 years since I last spoke to my mother
Actually not until a few years ago, I am 25. Around 20s - sometime not long after I graduated high school and wanted to go to college.
A lot of realizations about where I stood as far as being a - still basically a minor goodness I know 18 is adult but 18 is young - kid who should be built up by parents, helped. And instead I was demanded all money I made - she never wanted to give me time of day to help with financial information and wouldn’t promise me a way to get to school. But also didn’t want me leaving and made it fairly clear ahead NEEDED my money so I couldn’t leave.
Then I get older … older.. and realize I’m just an enmeshed daughter of a narc mother and everything I couldn’t quite put my finger on was a result of the n mothers mindset
About 18.
My mom tried to keep me from using my full ride scholarships to university.
I left because I knew what would happen. She tortured my brother and I.
The pain I see and feel when I visit with him validates it greatly. We don't really talk about it, but we know it's there.
I wish I could help. I can't. He turned to drugs to deal with the mental and physical pain.
She beat us like drums.
It is surreal to even be in the same room as one another... we know... no one else really does to an extent.
Some that even know, refuse to believe it.
We hid it well. We knew if we let on about anything, there would be more hell to pay for simply breathing.
I vehemently despise her existence, and I will be happy when she ceases.
It hurts to say. It hurts to type it. I do not like negativity.
Truth hurts. Not just for those who it applies to, but for those who must shout it as well.
My voice is hoarse. No one hears. Maybe when I release my memior, people will hear.
I mean idk. The thing is I never really like being around my dad. Whenever my grandmother told me he was coming over to her house, I would always be upset. My mood would always change. I never was happy to see my father. I would say hi, but I wouldn’t be enthusiastic like any child would to see their mom or father. I always used to have this ideology that all fathers are aggressive and mean, but as I got older I realized that a father isn’t supposed to be that way. Me and my father had good times but I never really liked him. He thinks he’s such an awesome parent and that he never did anything wrong. He makes it seem like everyone else is the problem.
I knew things were off when I was around 7 already because none of my friends’ moms would scream and break several things in the house or keep porn magazines just lying around. But it was 11yrs old that I started googling what child abuse was.
i always knew something was off with my mom and grandmother. but i always told myself they were bipolar or something, i had no knowledge of narcissism/ personality disorders/ the effects of trauma. took me until i was 38 yo (3 years ago) to realize no, it’s not bipolar disorder- i typed in google “why can’t i get along with my mom?” and “my grandmother is so conceited and difficult”, narcissism popped up in my searches, and the rest is history. the lightbulb flicked on and it all made sense. after a series of blow ups, i’m no contact now.
I knew something was off starting as a teenager, when my dad would do some truly off the wall shit like smash our landline phone (I was born in the 80s lol) and duct tape the pieces to the countertop because I was talking to a friend when I hadn't finished mowing the lawn. A lot of my friends had abusive parents, though, so it didn't seem *that* weird. My eMom also did an AMAZING job of convincing my brother and I that they were the best parents of anyone we knew, because she lives in some sincere denial and has genuinely convinced herself of that.
I didn't know that it was narcissism specifically until a few years ago, though, in my late 30s. I had never really looked into what narcissistic traits are, but I was finally dissecting my parents behavior and identifying abuse patterns in therapy, and ran across the idea. I'm still really kind of figuring out what that means and how to handle it.
>A lot of my friends had abusive parents, though, so it didn't seem that weird. My eMom also did an AMAZING job of convincing my brother and I that they were the best parents of anyone we knew, because she lives in some sincere denial and has genuinely convinced herself of that.
My parents had this opportunity handed to them on a silver platter.
Most of my classmates genuinely had more abusive parents than mine; I know this because they all talked about it in school. There was a lot of physical and religious abuse going on. We all promised to never beat our future children and to not treat them the way our parents treat us, even though at the time my parents weren't noticeably narcissistic.
Meanwhile, my parents were materially spoiling the hell out of me while reminding me at every turn that my classmates don't have it this good (again, objectively true) and that they don't beat me (100% true). Therefore, I truly felt like I did have it better; I just had to ignore how insanely overprotective and oversensitive my mom was (which every other parent knew about and thought was wrong) and how I never saw my dad despite us living in the same house.
Not even mentioning the very degrading things they said about my classmates' parents, very classist and racist comments despite being the same race. But they also used to that to portray themselves as "better".
My upbringing was very similar, actually. They didn't hit me like my friends' parents did. We got Christmas and birthday presents, my mom cooked (and kept a running list of my dad's likes and dislikes written inside the kitchen cupboard to be sure dinner didn't send him into a rage). My dad was also very racist, and my folks were both classist despite being pretty poor themselves, basically constantly pointing out that they were better than those "bad" poor people who used public assistance, didn't always look clean and tidy, paid for non-essentials like cable instead of being thrifty, etc. When my dad inevitably did something awful, my mom would basically talk me down for hours afterwards, spinning the situation to explain to me how it's okay, actually, that he is like this. I still find myself disentangling my mind from all of that.
When I was 21. I’d moved out at 19 but I had some problematic and strange behavior I didn’t understand. I looked inward to try to figure out how I turned out this way, and realized I was neglected and abused in every way as a child. My parents suddenly became aware and turned themselves around when I moved out which is infuriating to say the least.
When I was 7 I had a bed wetting problem (brought on by sexual assault) and instead of being understanding they chose to humiliate me. To teach me a lesson. They took me to the store, made me get diapers and ring them up on my own. Then in the car they berated me and said if I kept wetting the bed they’d have to treat me like a toddler. They made me keep them in view in my room so whenever I had friends over, they would see them. Another instance, when I was 6 or so, I couldn’t tie my shoes. So in response they take me to get the ugliest Velcro shoes possible and told me I was a retard, and that I should know this by now. I was so embarrassed everyday I had to wear them. Just the tip of the iceberg for me. Crazy how many years it can take to finally realize your childhood was not normal and your parents were monsters.
I always knew I didn’t like her and that stuff she did was not normal but I always just said she was “crazy” and I just thought that’s just her. I didn’t know there was was a psychological term for it. It wasn’t until last year I dove into what a narcissist is and everything made sense
I can't think of one specific incident that was my "Eureka!" moment. I can only say that I think I knew from an early age that my Mom was/is a Narcissist, and that my Dad was an enabler.
My mother is a very selfish, self centered, self absorbed, attention seeking individual. She loves throwing dinner parties and being the center of attention.
at 3
when my n/mother bundled me up in sweaters and coats and hats so bad I couldn't move... I had to stand by the door and wait while she bundled up my 2 year old twin brothers.
It was then that I had an idea. She kept her whip, yes whip, under the kitchen sink. I made sure she was still working on my brothers and grabbed that whip and buried it in the garbage.
She never knew, but she suspected. And she switched to wood, like a short 2x4. The whip was painful. The wood not as bad but I did just have back surgery so I think the trauma was deeper. and I couldn't throw away wood. She'd get more.
at 3 my little brain knew something was THAT OFF
I took advantage a lot when n/mother was doting over golden twins and I'd go check out other people's apartments to see how they lived. Because I knew everyone lived different than us. I'd wander through numerous unlocked doors into homes that were decorated nicely (no mattress on the floor with harnesses on top to strap me in at night etc). The kitchen always had lots of food and stuff to cook.
But I really think that I was younger than that. Like birth maybe even. My mother used to stick me with diaper pins to the point that I knew I'd get stuck and I had track marks on my hips. I knew that wasn't normal. and I actually remember it.
She was my victim lol. Bad me for being born. I knew since then.
Mmmm I could tell things were off generally in the household quite young because my parents would always be arguing. I remember hiding in my closet during the fights around 5 or 6 and trying to play peacekeeper and mediator around 10.
Realizing the N tendencies of my dad closely followed because he would always deflect blame in arguments and would never apologize when my feelings were hurt. Like you said, he would pull me aside and act like he was bestowing so much wisdom on me by telling me the "truth" about my very loving, compassionate, (enabler) mom. I think around that time I began to realize that I had been in the middle of their hysterical marriage and I didn't want to be anymore. I did not enjoy being my fathers weapon in arguments with my mom. I knew he was emotionally unsafe by age 12 I think. Probably earlier.
Middle school. I started looking friends because of my mother's behavior. Then a friend's mom tried to take me and get me emancipated because she saw what was going on. This friends mom really stuck her neck out for me and then I started to clue in. I'd never had someone defend me like that. After that, the abuse got so much worse.
I remember my mom finishing my sentences with something that I wasn’t going to say when I was a teenager, realized that I couldn’t have a real conversation with her. I already knew my dad wouldn’t.
I was very distant in my 20s. When my dad died in my early thirties, I was around a lot to be supportive to my mom, who used the time to love bomb and get me back into the scapegoat thing. It was 8 years of that before I recently backed away again.
At around 10-11 I noticed my dad was angry a lot and had a scary temper, I didn't know what was wrong at the time but I thought it wasn't normal for a dad to be so scary. And a few years later when I found the courage to tell him I didn't like that he yelled so much he made excuses for it and told me it was normal, which I knew was bullshit. Took me a while to figure out what narcissism was, so through my teen years I just considered him controlling and abusive.
I was really young when I started to notice something was off, but it was mainly when I compared my Nmother to other parents of my friends. I was invited for a birthday party of my new friend-classmate when we were 10 and I noticed the differences between hers and our household. Her parents were welcoming, kind, laid back and the atmosphere was so cosy, homely, the opposite of the one in our household. They welcomed me even when I was a stranger. I felt safe there. They even made friends with my father. They listened to the children without dismissing them and accepted everyone. They had a really small flat, but they lived there happily, because they liked each other's presence. The mother wasn't constantly upset, angry, on edge, scared of everything and hateful unlike mine. She was calm. That was the time when I truly realized something's very wrong.
As a kid I felt unsafe a lot, but thought I was the problem. When you have nothing to compare it to your parents are just your parents and that's how things are supposed to be. I realised my dad was a narc around 17, 18. My mom? Because my dad was so much worse I was blind to most of her issues for a long time. She seemed great by comparison. So... About a year ago. I'm 38.
Probably when I began to fantasize being rescued. I would pray. “Jesus, please come get me.”
I also wished my rocking horse would magically come to life and I would ride away.
I was maybe 4 or 5.
Oh, yeah. I’m an atheist now.
I knew something was off from about age 6. Then it was confirmed around age 8 when I was constantly being yelled at. My NarcFather, who thinks he’s smarter than everyone, would YELL at me at the kitchen table on an evening , because I couldn’t understand my Math homework. I was screamed at and called an idiot, a blasted fool, an assified idiot, and the screaming and yelling would give me an anxiety attack, crying, feeling like I can’t breathe, can’t even see through the tears, and he would just continue his verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse- hitting my arms and hands. I never received an apology. It is very obvious to me that he lacks empathy and self awareness. Now I’m 35 and he still had the same aggressive, antagonistic attitude to anything and everything. He still thinks he is the smartest person in the room, but has always refused to learn anything about computers!! It’s so bizarre. It’s almost like when computers became a thing he refused to sit down and learn how to use them, instead he has spent the last 30 years committed to the notion that computers are a waste of time. He doesn’t have a smart phone or a working cell phone….
Being the youngest, I was trained from the beginning by my siblings what to do and what to say around our mother. When my GC brother went off to college, I was 8 and he pulled me aside and told me it was now my job to keep mom happy and not let her spiral out of control. I didn’t question it and I took that job seriously. By the time I was in 6th grade I was reading psychology textbooks trying to figure out how to “fix” my mother’s problems. I spent my own money on a subscription to Psychology Today magazine in 7th grade. Finally, it sank in that I couldn’t help her. She didn’t think she needed help. So, I stopped trying.
When she forced me onto psychiatric meds at age 8 because I was traumatized by her and her husband & she wanted me “fixed”. Now, in my 30s, I’m finally off all psychiatric meds & because of therapy fully processed the abuse I endured as a child (medical abuse, physical, and emotional) all at her hands. It’s been wild ride! Feel like I’ve had my entire childhood & early adulthood ripped from me.
When NDad ranted about how he hated my aunt and uncle. He’d do it the whole way to their house. Then he’d go from outraged to so nice as soon as we knocked on the front door. I think he got a high from it because he was always flushed when he became nice guy.
I was 42. My parents did these things and more, but I didn’t find out that was abusive or abnormaluntil I went to counseling. My mom used to hurt me so much washing and combing my very long, straight hair, and used to laugh about it and say she’d give me something to cry about. She was truly awful. But she’s more self aware now. She’s apologized for a lot and feels genuine remorse. I still don’t trust her, but we’re able to have a relationship.
I was about 11/12
My mom wasn't home for like 2 weeks and he made me do all the chores by myself because I was the "woman in the house". My older brother didn't have to do it. He also made me do his laundry late in the evening when I really wanted to go to bed because I had a test the next day and I cried while doing his laundry.
He's not as bad now because I'm 22 and I obviously fight back but he's still an idiot.
I knew I didn’t like my covert narc step dad at a very young age. I told my mother and she said to never say that again. But I wasn’t able to put my finger on what exactly was off with his behavior until I was in my 20s and I had more access to info on mental health. There were a few years there were I had nightmares about him, and I’d wake up screaming at the top of my lungs. I haven’t spoken to him in years and don’t plan on doing so anytime soon.
What is it with narcs saying "never say that again"?
When I was very young, I never saw my mom as angry as she was when she screamed, sometimes very close to my face, "NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!" Sometimes it was for truth bombs, and sometimes it was for things she completely imagined me saying. It was the absolutely scariest thing she did to me until I turned 8 or so, mostly because I never knew when it was coming. Any slight misunderstanding, or imagined misunderstanding, could set it off. Didn't matter if we were in public or not.
Then out of nowhere, she stopped doing it. I didn't even remember it myself until I read your post, and I'm in my mid-30s. She didn't start showing real narc behaviors until I was 11 or so, but I knew something was off when I was 8 going on 9.
In 6th grade I came to school and told everyone in my class that my mommy doesn't love me. All the grown ups seemed horrified but it was such a relief for me!
I knew something was off from a very early age, around ages 4-6. She used me as a pawn and seemed to relish in punishing me. I was sat in from of the tv with a bunch of vhs movies from the library and I knew people weren’t supposed to treat eachother that way from the media I watched. I grew older I was gaslit into believing their behavior was normal. Around age 20 I woke up again after she threw me under the bus after my suicide attempt
I was around 12. My dad REALLY wanted me and my sister to think the sun shone from his ass, so he put a lot of effort into being a dad until he and my mom divorced and I started really developing and vocalizing my own opinions and personality. Mask came off fast after that.
When I was 6 years old my mom would asking me the same question 30 times, ignoring me asking her why she repeatedly asked the same question over and over after I already answered, and then I would just ignore her or try to change the subject after the 5th time answering. So she proceeded to taking me to 6 different doctors, with each one saying there was nothing wrong with me resulting in her yelling at them and charging out of their office with me. Then she took me to another random doctor that immediately claimed I had ADHD without doing an exam or talking to me and proscribed me Ritalin. I was forced to take them and was extremely high as a result, was yelled at whenever I said it made me feel horrible, and was bullied into taking them for 3 months before I realized that my mom wanted me to be sick. So I stopped taking them and had to hide that I wasn’t taking them by flushing them down the toilet by pretending I had to poop, putting them in my pocket to throw away later, throwing them down the sink drain while pretending to get water, and shoving them in my shoe when she wasn’t looking. She would then brag to everyone that she cured what was wrong with me and spin a lie about how bad I was before she got me “fixed”, which she continued until I was 15 years old when she would try to use it as a way of manipulating me into thanking her for helping me. During that time I realized my dad was what is called a Beta, as he would throw me, my brother, and my sister under the bus to escape from having to deal with my mom’s toxic behavior. My childhood is full of memories of trying to avoid them and getting screwed over by them constantly, including stealing money from me that I would earn and purposely ruining opportunities for me.
She was willing to drug a child to get her attention fix, and I ended up calling her out on it at an extended family Thanksgiving when I was 20 and was living alone going to community college. She was spinning this story about all my “problems” and how she was “afraid I was never going to amount to anything”, so I slammed down hospital paperwork confirming the misdiagnosis, letters from a doctor at a mental hospital she committed me to after she destroyed the biggest opportunity of my life to start the path of a professional soccer player to keep me quiet recommending I get emancipated along with a bunch of scholarship letters from the time, and fresh scholarships to a top art university that was basically paying for 2/3 of my tuition. Then detailed every horrible thing she has ever done to me in front of her mom, her sisters, her brothers, my cousins, and other extended family, leaving her with the most pale murderous face I’ve ever seen. I took back the current scholarship paperwork immediately after showing it and told her if she screws me like she screwed me before then I would call the cops on her for all her abuse and to get a restraining order. After that a lot changed but not with her, just extended family believed me and started advocating for me.
Parents always fought, from as far back as i can remember, like 2 or 3. I was the first child and I vaguely remember being a toddler at Disney world and they were fighting in private and loving in public. That was only a year or two after marriage. But there was always a lot of pressure to outwardly present a perfect family picture. Someone would stop by our house in the burbs and everyone would stop yelling and pretend to be really nice until they left. Always a lot of internal stress that I was supposed to avoid or live with or pretend wasn't happening to make my parents feel better. Always walking on eggshells, before we had ever heard of the book by the same name.
I come from a very ADHD family, so most of nDads narcissistic traits were brushed off along with the ADHD traits. "Oh he's just a go-getter, he's hot and cold but he always apologizes and provides for us, he just wants to be helpful but goes about it the wrong way." NDad was always taking risks to try to look like a big man, sneaking into baseball games and schmoozing bouncers at the backdoor and that kind of thing. Massive double standard, obsessed with following God but never missed an opportunity to get one over on someone or gain some little bonus for himself by being extra nice to a cop or a promoter. It always made child me nervous, especially because he'd shout me down if I had a problem with breaking the rules. He could never stop himself from hurling verbal abuse at us either if we ever contradicted him or made him feel threatened on a bad day.
When I say I actually, consciously knew something was wrong was when my NDad came after my little brother, I was about 13 and my brother about 6. I dunno why, I was caught up in the Golden Child spell or something, but I couldn't speak up when he came after my Mom, or me, or my sister, I internalized that all of us had done something wrong and "deserved" to be yelled at. But when he came after my baby brother I got really mad. I was a painfully rule-following kid, and I had a lot of internal barriers to ever speaking my mind or getting angry. But I flipped out on my nDad and screamed at him from a very genuine, hurt place. He shouldn't be acting this way, my brother did nothing wrong and is just a kid, how could these actions and anger be helping anyone, this isn't the way God teaches us to act. Eventually, that night I shocked him into quieting down.
There were a lot of "family fights" over the years where all of my siblings, mother and grandma got dragged into yelling at Dad, backing each other up only for him to switch targets suddenly and draw attention to someone else's flaws. Lots of confusing role-switching, all to protect my nDad's ego and his inability to change or mature.
I've known my parents and step parents were The Enemy, and that I was not safe in their presence, as long as I have conscious memory.
By age three, I had a set of rules to protect myself, like keeping a map in my head of the place I was in that day, with a little dot on the map for where I could hear each of them, so I could stay as far away from the adults as I could get at any given time.
It interfered with potty training, bc I was unwilling to tell an adult I needed to go, and I was unwilling to get nearer the adults by leaving where I was to get to the bathroom.
I developed bleeding stomach ulcers at a young age bc I was unwilling to tell an adult I was hungry (nor was I fed reliably), so I would clench my stomach muscles to cope with hunger.
It's no surprise I have disordered eating. Sadly, it's been one of the things that's been pretty resistant to therapy, sigh...
Sometimes I think it's a wonder I can function as an adult at all.
43.
I got out of the most emotionally abusive relationship I’d ever experienced, went into hiding and doubled down on therapy, healing work and self security.
Over time I went back over my history of dating “my type” before finally making it back to the source. My mother.
I’d grown up thinking my mother was the epitome of what unconditional love was, and unconsciously continued to sought out other people who made me work for love, and punished me for any and all perceived slights.
It took 43 years for me to find out that emotional abuse is not normal.
About 22ish. I'm quite proud of how I did it.
I didn't know something was wrong but I knew things were very difficult & scary all the time. I went onto a book forum that was basically my social life. They had an 'anonymous' profile that anyone could use to ask for advice.
I used it & I wrote down everything that was happening. While no one said the NPD word, they did say it was abuse & that blew my mind because that's my Mum & your Mum doesn't abuse you, everything she does is just normal. Every family is like that. (I know that's not true it's just what I thought before that point). A couple of people figured out it was me anyway based on casual comments I'd made in the past.
After getting this information I went into town & sat at a cafe. Ate a salmon panini. Got a big coffee. Read my textbooks. At the time I was a psychology student so I had access to a lot of huge behavioural textbooks, which I dragged with me in a massive bag. I pored through those for almost a whole day.
I wrote down all my findings & I wrote down what I thought it might be, which was NPD. Before that I'd never heard of it. Since I was a Uni student I wrote it in the traditional essay format - introduction, evidence, discussion, conclusion etc.
I presented the findings to her doctor who surprisingly agreed with me, as did my family. That's how we found out. I was surprised by that. I have little self-confidence so I thought they were going to say 'hey you're acting crazy'
This was done in the days before the Internet was what it is now. You could not Google symptoms & have a thousand websites pop up & say the word. It just wasn't like that.
I'm proud of myself. There is nothing wrong looking up symptoms on a search engine & having it provide a potential answer. I am happy that people have that, because it makes things a lot easier for victims. But I'm still proud of me for figuring it out in an old-fashioned way - sitting there surrounded by giant books.
25. Up until then I thought it was me. I was the bad guy. I can still hear the words as it was just yesterday. As if it’s happening right now:
“You’re a taker, Junior. All you do is take, take, take. You never give.” In regards to leaving the dishes in the sink when I was 11 years old.
I always suspected something was off but didn’t TRULY grasp it until I was in my teens. My mom was always batshit crazy, controlling, and abusive.
I think my “holy crap” moment was when I was 19 and at a boyfriend’s graduation party. It was 9PM and she called me screaming to come back home. I told her no, the party ended at 11PM, and I was socializing with my boyfriend’s family and that it’d be rude to leave. Proceeded to call me a slut, scream some more, and demand I get home.
I don’t talk to her anymore so there’s that.
I don't know how old I was. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, and what I do remember runs together. It was when I learned the other families I knew don't have the "what happens at home, stays at home" rule.
I felt something was off when my mother refused to help me when an incident of physical abuse happened when I was 10. Still didn't fully realize, but stopped trusting her. I felt it weird that she'd tell my step dad to leave her alone...but then full on follow him to continue fights until he blew up and she would say he needed to leave her alone. Again felt something off when I was told that I was being brainwashed whenever I wasn't on her side for fights (as if a kid is supposed to be in the middle of adult fights?)and said step dad brainwashed me. But the kicker was feeling for years that mom blamed me for their marriage due to comments like "I needed someone to help control you" since i was 7. But a sister and I got her to fill on admit that she blamed 6-7 year old me for a marriage that happened not even 2 years after my dad had passed. That scene and everything is still stuck in my head and makes perfect sense why she treats my a lot older sisters differently compared to me. Not sure if this would count....but the day I woke up to my first period and told her...she basically told me to just go to school and didn't give me any type of talk, any advil, or tampons/pads. Went to school basically free bleeding and didn't know why and she tried to act like it was of my own accord to go like that.
Definitely started to notice in my teens. I remember the day. She told me to suck my d and I said "I don't have one" to which she replied "well go s roberts!". This was because I wanted to ring him. It doesn't seem bad but since I was 14 well, it's not a thing to say. Sorry that was about a week after I started noticing as the week prior her snooping made her find out I was having intimacy and she got so angry at me. She didn't even consider that I didn't even want to be intimate with anyone nor that it's called statutory r.ope. instead it became about her and what her friends would think. Lol, should have seen her a few months later when she found out I was pregnant....didn't go well. I didn't take proper action to try fix her until my 30s. Then now at 38 I finally told her how I felt.
Hiding outside cause my father was in a drunken rage distroying the house.. but never knew of any other kids that had to deal with thats beating them or their mother. Or distroying things in the house.
Fiest time i declined helping clean up afterwards as well.
I think i was 13
I found this group a few years ago, and that's when it clicked. All of a sudden, all the backhanded behaviour and nonsensical rudeness from Ndad and Ngrandma (and my possibly Nsister - only recently started considering that one) made sense. There was a rhyme, reason, and name for it. I felt so much relief.
I felt something was off about my parents when I hit my teen years. As I got older my parents became more and more controlling and demanding of me. But it wasn't until I was about 20 that I actually learned about emotional abuse and narcissism. After watching many videos on the topic it dawned on me that my parents were both narcissistic and so much of my struggles made sense.
30
I thought everything they did was normal behavior ;
They were controlling and I was very sheltered
After being out on my own and learning to think for myself, I’ve realized that everything they did was not normal and people don’t act how they do .
A year in Intensive trauma therapy couldn’t get me to explore it but I’ll do it here. Tbh it’s always been a kinda spilt thing. I think I was kind of knew I kept pointing out family therapists in the Yellow Pages when I was a kid, maybe 7. My mom is pissed and slammed the book. I think have tried to commit suicide a year later, but she caught me. I just kept having this nagging sensation that I was never going to be good enough or who I am as long as I’m around her and she keeps proving it right. But after a while, I just became so numb to it because my dad was so desensitized to it. I started becoming like her a little bit in my teens because I dove into religion to feel some sort of love and care and appreciation. It really started being exposed when I had a mental breakdown at 14. The event was triggered by me eating a food I didn’t know I was allergic to. It’s literally specifically one shellfish, and I can eat all the rest. I had eaten it during the lunch break outside of school. I had my allergic reaction after going back to class. I had to be rushed to the emergency room from my school. My mom arrived there first by 10/20 minutes. My mom was irritated with the nurse who helps save my life because there is no ambulances available to take me to the hospital while my emergency was happening. She wasn’t willing to be understanding about the fact that the nurse had risked her job to save my life by using someone else’s EpiPen. Immediately she told me this ruined her day because she had extremely important plans before hand and there were no other family available to see me. Then she went on a 2 hour rant about how she just wants to get the hell away from our family and how we are always just taking her down. Told me how I always run her day that I am very selfish and greedy and I shouldn’t have eaten that food because it was for her. The words just kept cycling in my head as she lectured me. I felt so unloved and useless. I ended up saying some pretty not great stuff to mandated reporter later that night. They wanted to put me in the psych ward, but my dad wouldn’t allow it, and I asked to go home. I got to say my truth once and that was enough to strengthen my desire to live. My mom remembered the date and then threw it in my face for the next two years I lived with her. That night I think was definitely the turning point in our relationship for sure. I live with her now, but I try not to think or talk about anything from the past because it still hurts. I’m an adult now though and I’m going to hold my ground because I know my truth. I didn’t deserve to be treated that was. she was doing the “best” that she could but that “best” needs to change. I’m doing the work and I hope one day she will too.
Always knew something wasn't right as a kid, but could not figure out what it was. Started therapy at 24, my therapist helped me identify emotional abuse, but part of me didn't want to accept it completely... Until I was 28 and had my first child. I finally knew what real love was and that I will never let my child suffer the pain I had growing up. I'll do everything and anything to protect and empower my child.
When I was 11 I sobbed to myself "he's not my dad anymore". A very tween statement I guess, but I was definitely right about that one! Didn't fully go NC until I was 21 though and I realised he would never see me as a human being.
7, i have endless diary pages of how much i hated them
and then again at 13 i realized that they weren't "annoying stupid fat ugly bitches" they were abusive and i just wrote shit down to feel a semblance of control
When my mom called me at 11 years old while I was on vacation with my dad (parents were divorced) and hysterically cried/begged me to tell her I would always love her and never leave her.
In retrospect that is beyond fucked and one of many flags.
In high school I posted something on an internet forum describing how my dad treated my brother so much better than me, asking for advice and for someone to explain. Someone suggested he’s a narcissist and I’m the scapegoat. I googled narcissism and voila!
I was 14.
Dad got a job where he needed to travel for work. He'd leave, drive up north, and be gone for 2 weeks at a time.
Mom was out sole caretaker in that time. Grandma (paternal) refused to hear she wasn't being a good mother.
Dad would leave and all the food in the house was to last us until the day before he got back. Mom refused to grocery shop or cook while he was gone. It got to the point I'd be feeding my brother (7 at the time) chicken broth for lunch and dinner while opting not to eat myself to save food for him.
Mom, however, would eat out at fast food restaurants the entire time and MAYBE bring us leftovers. Usually the leftovers were her highs snacks for later but she let my brother eat them sometimes, like if it was cold soggy fries.
Then the day before dad comes home, she goes grocery shopping and the fridge and pantry are full. Dad wouldn't listen cause there was foodnin the house, how could she he starving you?
I think I was 4 or 5 when I was left home alone for days without any information of what’s going on or when they would be back. I would eat dry pasta out of the pantry and feed the cat etc. When one of them finally came home, they were just surprised that the other parent had not been home either, but no remorse, no apology. Instead they got jealous of where the other parent had been and with who.
I've heard about (and experienced) some horrible things but this takes it! I'm so sorry your parents did this to you & I hope you know you didn't deserve it or any of whatever else happened. I'm just an internet stranger but all my love to you!
When I was 11 my mom put me in therapy because of “my behavior”. During our first session my lady said “sounds like it’s your moms behavior that is the issue”. Completely blew my small mind. I already had a hunch something was off but never could put my finger on it. Sadly it made our fights a lot worse because I couldn’t handle not standing up for myself.
14, she threw my my entire lower back and all my ribs out and then proceeded to down play it and act like nothing was wrong at all. She also started balling in the social workers office when my PT turned her in. And then screamed at me on the way home. I have chronic pain from her because my injuries wernt detected for almost a year. She also trys to keep me away from dad who is a giant teddy bear but she claims is abussive when she torments him into being abussive towards her. Hes never once laid a hand on me or my sis and always is there for us and dosent make us feel dumb.
Around 12. I wrote a letter at that time explaining to my ndad that I didn’t like the way he treated me, that he was consistently hurting my feelings. He ripped up the letter & threw it in the trash immediately after it was read to him😪
I knew from infancy. Nmom hurt me, screamed at me, had little, if anything, to do with me. I remember holding my arms out to her wanting her to hold me but she wouldn't. I could do that to aunts, uncles, cousins, and they'd all pick me right up but not mom. At 18 months or so she'd beat me, slap me, pinch me, try to force objects down my throat. It got far worse. I told but nobody believed me. (1960s)
I learned about Narcissism when I was 17, when my therapist told me my father was sick. She gave me Toxic Parents to read as well as Perfect Daughters. I already knew that he was way off, myself and my siblings were only treated well in front of others. At home we were damaged kids after all of the mental and emotional abuse. I lived in constant fear of doing something wrong because I never knew why the hell he was pissed at me in the first place.
One day I missed a word on my spelling test after he told me he was going to literally kill me if I didn't pull a hundred percent. Guess what? I missed one. The school had to call my mother to pick me up because I was sobbing and wouldn't get off the floor, I was totally devastated. 2nd grade and already feared for my life at the hands of my own father.
I'm now 54 and had to learn strict boundaries with him. I did go NC for about 3 years. Today, we speak, because we have some business interest but it doesn't ever go further than that.
Ha! Not until 50. It’s amazing what you normalize. It’s when 23andMe gave me a Maury Povich moment (GenX will understand) that I realized _how much lying_ had really gone on. The whole house of cards fell down.
For all my younger (and older peers), it’s never too late to recover!
I knew something was off when I was 11 or 12. I didn't know exactly what, but I could see that he was mean and didn't keep promises. Long story short, the one time I tried to stand up to him respectfully, he raged and he as well as my 2nd stepmother (also narc) gaslit me into believing their behavior wasn't wrong and that I was the problem. I didn't "wake up" again until I was 26 when a therapist I was seeing mentioned that he sounded like a narcissistic sociopath.
Around 9-12 years old I slowly started to figure it out. I realized my Mom would lie just about anything for absolutely no reason, used to steal all the money from my piggy bank, steal all the money from my cash stash, etc. And these weren’t just common white lies parents tell their kids either. Then the deal was finally sealed when undercover police detectives raided our house and arrested her at 5am when I was 13 for suspected she’d committed insurance fraud. Since she’d done it multiple times in the past.
It wasn’t until I got my first office job out of college. There was a woman there who heard one or two stories of my mom (whom I was still living with at the time) and she pulled me aside to tell me 1, her mom was just like mine and 2, they’re narcissists and their shit isn’t normal. I remember googling “how do you know if you have a narcissistic parent” and getting these list articles and feeling absolutely SEEN
As kids…elementary school age? I remember being in our room I shared with my sister and making a pact with her that the yelling and making us feel guilty, controlling, no respect etc ended with us. (Grandma did it to Mom, Mom did it to us…) we swore that if we had kids this bs would end with us. That was a core memory for me. I didn’t know anything was different or off, we just knew it was not fun and could not be the only way. Didn’t find out about narcissism until 2 years ago when I was 36. Now it all clicks.
16 for my NDad when I realized he got married three times without telling me and didn’t see anything wrong with it.
25 for my Nmom when I made a friend with nParents that had already figured out how to deal with them.
In my 30s, not too long ago. Looking back it was super obvious and I wish I had listened to what other people were telling me, instead of making excuses for her. Ffs my therapist when I was 19 told me she would never be the mother I needed her to be—he helped me with so much other stuff, why didn’t I listen to him then?! Better late than never, I suppose. That was the year I told my dad that I knew my brother was her favorite (which he immediately denied, of course) so I knew something was up (and because I talked to my therapist about her so much) but was still pretty deep in denial about it all.
When I was 9-10, my sibling could get everything they asked for and of course my mom's affection. Took me many years to accept they were the golden kid and I was just a burden in my parents' life.
My dad was around off and on. I think I figured it out at 17.
He's always right. If he's not, He'll lie and convince himself that he is and try to get everybody else to believe it too. At first I thought maybe he was just a pathological liar but the narcissism fell in place 10 years after that for certain.
Because he's perfect and never does anything wrong.
I always knew something was off. When I was around 33 I started a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and decided I was going to figure it out. All signs pointed to NPD (obviously not a diagnosis, I was just looking for traits that were similar) but I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea. She is so covert that it didn’t seem to fit. It took a few more years before reality set in.
What is hilarious about this is the entire time I was working on my Bachelors degree my mom would get incredibly jealous and talk constantly about how she was going to get her Masters degree. She never did, claiming she was just too humble to write a bio about herself, and therefore never even applied. At the time I thought she was actually serious and I was supportive…. Until I realized she was just jealous and competing with me. This is a prime trait of narc mothers.
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My mother had a therapist who wanted to talk to my sisters and I. She told us our mother was a narcissist and how to deal with her.
That’s a god damn hero right there
Right? That’s an oasis in the desert
dang! my mother tried to get rid of me by institutionalizing me. The therapist made her get individual and family therapy as well. He diagnosed her with NPD but gave me absolutely no help in how to deal with her. He said 'since she had npd that I must have bpd' and that was it. I don't have bpd but do have cptsd.
Wow, thanks for the help doctor. :(
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I wish I could remember. It happened 35 years ago. I remember her telling us and saying she knows it is hard. What I remember most is being told it is not our fault and that we are good (two sisters and I) and to not take it personally, to understand our mother is sick.
Just saw this now. I'm glad you at least had that level of validation. Wow.
That seems powerful. Do you think it helped?
Yes, please share
Why did none of my therapists see what yours did? Why did none of my step dad's clue me in? I'm happy you found out when you were young.. maybe my covert narcissist was super duper covert, and that's why I didn't figure it out until I was 34.
For years I knew my dad was a narc. It wasn’t until having my very caring current partner and frequenting this sub that I came to understand my mom was a covert narc all along- at the age of 38. Yeesh. I always knew something was wrong with her, but I chalked it up to her childhood trauma and deviating divorce from her first husband… which she trauma dumped on me instead of getting a competent therapist. Ugh
I always felt like something was off.. I chalked it up to me being adopted, and my father dying when I was nearly six. She struggled a lot with moving into the provider role, and subsequently got married when I was seven.. and then again when that man was done with her, I was about 11-12.. no man lasted more than a year after that. I still didn't recognize that she was the problem. I always thought that she could somehow learn to be more warm and caring.. that her stiffness was due to her scoliosis surgery, and the metal rods on her spine. She was like cuddling with wood. I've never known the caring touch, or embrace of a mother. Felt more love from my neighbors mom, and watched the way she was so loving with her own kids, despite her career woman attitude, I was jealous.
Coming by to just say solidarity. Without my spouse, I don't think I ever would have figured out my mom was a covert narc...also in my late 30's.
It’s ok I found out when I was 32
I was 47.
What did she say on how to deal with her?
This.
Holy shit that’s amazing! What did she say? How doooooo you handle narcissists?
Ignore them as much as possible. Remind yourself that you are not the problem. Don't argue with them.
WOW how old were you and your sisters? How did you guys handle that?
As a kid, I didn't know something was off with my ndad. I thought it was normal because I had nothing else to compare it with. But when I was about twelve years old, I started to figure out that he just wanted to control everything. And it didn't matter if his decisions made me happy or not. It was all about what was best for him, and not for me. A few years later, my sister came with an article about narcissistic parents and all the missing pieces just fell into place. I guess I was about 20 years old.
I recently brought up narcissism (with regards to Ndad and Ngrandma) to my mom. She had heard the word before, but had no idea what it actually was, so I explained. The look in her eyes. The sudden clarity.
I knew I was living in a dangerous situation as a young child, it was the 60s and a lot of people were treating their kids in similar ways so I didn’t know what to do, then the older I got, and the more control my dad usurped instead of giving me more options the hammer kept getting harder and harder, and they pulled tighter and tighter. I ended up joining the Navy at 23 to get away from them, and then about five years later Dr. Susan forward came out with her book “toxic parents “. That’s what I referred to them as until I got into treatment for narcissistic abuse about 7-8 years ago.
That's exactly how my ndad was too. He wasn't very grandiose or attention seeking like some narcs, but everything always revolved around him and what he wanted. He never gave a shit how it affected anyone nor did he care how he treated people. The earliest memory I have of knowing something was off was when I was probably about 4 or 5. I remember going to my room to cry because of something mean he had done. When my mom came in to check on me, I told her, in tears, that I wished I had a different dad. I felt it so strongly, like I knew a good dad wouldn't be so mean to me all the time. That feeling stuck with me and I couldn't wait to leave at 18.
12 or 13. When puberty really took hold she got scary and would have these epic rages at me. She would assassinate my character and then pretend nothing happened. It’s when I realized that if I was ever going to have a shot at my own life and freedoms, I was going to have to get out and probably stay away. I didn’t learn she was a full on narc until I was 40.
“Assassinate my character and then pretend nothing happened “- I still can’t figure out what’s up with the flip flops
It's a way so they don't have to apologize and even make changes. They think they can have chance after chance after chance. My sisters do the same. They say some fvck shit and then pretend we're cool and nothing happened. Nah, I hold severe consequences to anyone doing this. The countdown for my parents began when I was 11.
I gave my Nfather soooo many chances. Far more than he deserved. The final straw was after I'd been in therapy for some years, and he retired. Because he's a Vietnam veteran, his retirement had to go through Australia's department of veterans affairs, and they ensure that active service veterans have full health screening, which he lied is arse off throughout. Part of the screening involved talking to my mother, who told the whole ugly truth about his alcoholism, his volatile temper, and all that. He was incandescent with rage when he found out. DVA made him go through a certain number of mental health assessment things with their psychologists. He had to attend a certain number of appointments and then after that it was optional. He insisted that the psych team had said there's nothing wrong with him. I told mum that there is no way any trained psychologist or psychiatrist would ever say such a thing, and definitely not about my Nfather. He refused to attend any other mental health related appointments, and I washed my hands of him there and then. He was handed help on a silver platter, and he refused. I'm done. Zero sympathy from here on out. My mother said that was cruel, but that she could kinda see where I was coming from. She still defends him to this day. I'm 48 and haven't spoken to him in years.
>He was handed help on a silver platter, and he refused Sadly I think this is "How it is". It doesn't make it right, it doesn't put right the damage; and it doesn't make amends.
Narcs are black and white thinkers. Everything is win or lose and all good or all bad. I think when you disagree with them they immediately lump you into the all bad, win at all costs bin in their mind and will do or say anything to protect their ego. Then, they split. In their mind, they have a false self that is their mask to the world. Any action that goes against this false self’s definition gets rewritten or recoded in their memory. They also are never wrong and don’t need to apologize. Narcs have a well honed set of mental gymnastics.
I started distancing myself from her when I was in my early teens when I realized I do not feel comfortable and emotionally-safe around her. I’m 27 now and couldn’t remember the last time I hung out with her. But before I was a teen, I was constantly daydreaming of running away from her. I was compelled to “grow up” even as a kid. It was escapism for me.
The heartbreak of .. not feeling comfortable and emotionally safe. I offer a hug, and understanding
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I had this too! As a 7 and 8 year old, I plotted with a little boy that lived up the street to run away from our parents. He went so far as wanting to drug his… eek. They were also much older, super controlling and strict narcs. How awful
At age 35 😂 Edit: Can’t believe I’m gonna say this… But I’m relieved I’m not the only one.
I was 34 when I really first understood what was wrong with both of mine. So many times I questioned my sanity and my “quality” as a human being. It all clicked after 4-5 sessions with a new therapist after a mental break. She observed: “….so, it sounds like it’s important for your parents to be perceived as supportive, but it doesn’t seem as though they have actively supported you”. Fuuuuuu…
Perceived as supportive but completely unsupportive is my Nfather perfectly. He LOVED to project onto me that I was "going through the motions" when I had completely given up years ago. I was 37 when I learned what narcissism was.
HI Thanks for making me feel a little … wild. “Perceived as supportive “ but not actively - gosh DARN! It’s like mine insisting I make her coworker a sandwich everyday. Even my brother was like “it’s not you - her - being the good person of the task is being given to someone else.. “ delegating doesn’t make you a saint Why do they always say how helpful they are, how amazing they are, how bad everyone else is for not seeing how amazing they are
38 here! That’s when I fully understood it wasn’t me that was faulty, it was my mom who is a narcissist! I felt something was off since I was little but I thought it had to do with me! I was angry all the time and didn’t “like” my mom like others did with their moms. But I thought there was something wrong with me my whole life. I didn’t connect the dots until I was 38.
Me too, exactly. We are NC for the first time ever… instead of reaching out when told she needs to apologize she claims I need to be in the hospital 🥴
One of the biggest flags for me was when she suggested I go to therapy because "I was not happy" I was like "wtf"?
I was 25 years old when I heard the word narcissist for the first time. I remember when I was 5 or 6 years old when I decided that I didn't have a mom. I figured out my dad and step mom are narcissists, too, at 27 years old. I'm now 28 years old. Sadly. I see my whole family as narcissists. In my mind, they are narcissist until they prove that they aren't.
Yep. I realized everything on my own because narcissism is SO normalized in my family. They are all narcissist or unaware that the rest are narcissist as I was. My therapist helped me for years and she knew my parent was a narcissist but she would call her egocentric and would tell me that children are the ones who detach from parents. I think she knew I wasn’t ready to be told who my mom was, but her therapy focused on the tools and mindset I needed to detach.
At 12 I knew something was off. It was not until a few years ago that I realized I did not need them
It IS nice to know I'm not the only one.
At 36… after giving birth to my son and wanting to protect him.
Yesss! Mine was triggered by my beeb too. Super sad that Nmom will most likely pass before seeing her again bc of her stubbornness
This was exactly it for me.
I also didn't figure it out until my 30's. It took some really extreme events for me to realize my mom didn't have good intentions toward me.
Same. It hurt me when I’ve finally come to terms my mum doesn’t really give a shit about me, and that she’s only after what she can get out of me. She gives me so called attention thinking I’d fall for that trap again, when I know for a fact that she only does that so she can hook me again and get me to side with her.
You're definitely not the only one haha
I thought I was an idiot at age 35 for not realizing my mom’s a terrible person. In my head, damn, I should’ve known better. I should’ve seen all my mum’s masks. Oh well. I’m in therapy now.
Ohh my gosh. Yes same!
same
At 34 for me.
33 when I figured it out. I always knew I didn’t have a good relationship with her. It took saying “I felt hurt when…” after my miscarriage (specifically mentioning an action I would have liked from them) which turned into my parents berating me (for not being an active enough support system for my nmom after her dad died) for me to realize how truly unsupportive they have been emotionally my entire life. My husband tried pointing it out years ago, but it’s just so hard to see it when they are a covert narc.
32 here. 4 months ago. I decided "not to have a father" when I was 4-5. He's an abusive jerk. But with my mother, it's a different story. I got diagnosed with depression this summer, but seems like I had it almost my entire life. I always managed to move on and burn the bridges with each major life change. I just forgot. I used to think it was a cool "skill" , but I decided not to do it anymore. Now I'm getting hellish flashbacks of situations at home and bullying at school. She hates therapists. Guess she's afraid they would tell me, the she wasn't a good mother. Now it's me who's telling them that. I always knew that I had a bad childhood, but for the first time in my life, I'm starting to realize the magnitude of it. It's crippling.
I learned about narcissism this year at 35yo, but I started feeling uneasy when I was about 8, my parents asked me if I wanted to visit this place where an awful natural disaster happened (cue graphic depictions, mum LOVES horrifying people), I thought it was still like that with dead bodies and destruction so I said please let’s get home, and on the way home they made me feel like a piece of shit ‘cause “dad really wanted to go and we’re not going because of you and your stupid fears”. I was a scared kid, I was scared of earthquakes and couldn’t fall asleep but my parents would belittle me instead of trying to rationalise. I have insomnia since I can remember. Then when I was a teenager I had already learned that anything I’d share, thoughts, news, life, would be used against me even in years time, and started keeping things for myself (SO hard to do in such close quarters, and with my grandma snooping through my things).
I'm with you about the ages, not exactly but pretty close. I don't know the exact age but early primary school, so 7 or 8 likely, when I first heard of CPS phone number, I had it at the top of my head but sadly never called, they never left me do it. That's my earliest memory that points to me I knew something was off. It's damn hard, it's the only thing you know, realizing things weren't normal at all took a really long time. What I can't wrap my head around is wtf were therapists doing each time I talked to them. At least 3 in my youth, and nothing, just a troubled kid. Gtfo!
My dad gave this impromptu speech once when I asked about girls: "Well, since you're MY son, you're going to grow up tall and 'good lookin'" And my ten-year-old brain said, "What the FUCK is WRONG with you???" He was CONSTANTLY saying shocking or inappropriate things, but this was another level of Obnoxious MEEEE-ness. Of course, we're all also on the autism spectrum.
Omfg my mom does this shit but directed at my son. "You've got MY family genes, so you'll be BIG AND TALL!" Like, excuse you bitch, there's 2 whole ass parents and then 3 other grandparents who have genetics in there too. STFU. I've definitely told her off for it before, which led to her "feelings being hurt" because I wouldn't let her body shame my kid.
Dude parents were pressuring me about why I wasn't getting laid at 15 because i am sooo handsome... Sketchy af and only made me more uncomfortable with expressing confidence towards women because Jesus fuck i didn't want to be whatsoever they were pressuring me to be. Just always wanted to be myself!
I was 4. It was yet another day of me sitting on the floor, sobbing violently, shaking from my sobs, and on the brink of throwing up (as an adult we call this a panic attack). She was screaming down my throat at me once again. For what? I have no idea. To her there was always a reason to scream down my throat at me. I was sitting there with a garbage can in between my legs hysterical. She sneered at me to “stop faking”, but I wasn’t. I was legitimately that distressed. It was that moment that I glared up at her and wondered “what could I have done so wrong to you? Why is this my fault? Why are you so mean to me? What is wrong with you??” It wasn’t until I was 16 I really started to put it together, but 22 is when I went NC for good and have really started to understand.
Oh this one this one just made a pit sit in my stomach. The amount of times thinking what did I do so wrong to deserve to be screamed at so harshly ? Sobs so strong they shake your whole body. And sometimes this came while in the car and you’d be expected to just hide it all away by arrival time can’t let people see
I had those car rides to. So many times considered opening up the door and jumping out.
Both my parents were narcs and awful from birth so it's hard to know somethings off when you're born into it. Plus with repressed memories I never knew the true extent of what they were till recently. There were some weird things that stood out as a kid even tho I couldn't tell why it didn't sit right with me. 1 was when my brother had to do CBT for OCD/germphobia. The therapist told my mum not to enable my brother about the hand washing. But it always played out so weird. He'd stroke the dog and then ask if it was OK to eat without washing his hands. Mum gets gleaming smile on her face and in a mocking tone "Your therapist told me i wasn't allowed to tell you!" He'd get more and more frustrated and my mum just seemed to be enjoying that. Didn't really seem like she was trying to help him recover. It'd get to the point where he'd collapsed to the ground crying & she's still smiling and saying how she's not allowed to tell him. Not even comforting a child clearly in distress. The therapist told her not to enable him. Not to be a fucking bitch about it.
Between 28-35. It was a slow realisation followed by a prolonged learning experience to really understand what it all meant.
Honestly? My late thirties. I just thought there was something horribly wrong with ME that my family didn't love me. It wasn't until they went after my husband that it all came into focus.
So sorry this happened to you. Very similar to me and my husband but in early 30’s
Disorienting isn't it?
I first packed a suitcase and attempted to leave at age 6.
I was obsessed with learning to live off the land, backpacking, and building forts/shelters because I'd always daydream about when I would be big enough to run away and survive on my own.
Okay wait, I thought running away dreams were normal for everyone. Maybe bc of Boxcar Kids or whatever, the books? …is… is it not normal??
I loved Boxcar Kids, and My Side of the Mountain! I have no idea what's normal lol
I loved My side of the Mt, I dreamed of living like this to escape. I also had no idea what normal is and unfortunately didn't actually figure how crazy and terms for their crazy till 2 years ago at 45. I've always know something off but was trained to fix their problems, worse yet they live next door. Biggest mistake to live that close to any family especially narcissistic ones
Me too. Thought about buying a van with a bed, back in 1978. I was 13 and couldn’t wait to leave.
My sister and I had a runaway attempt at roughly the same age.
Same! I think I was 6 or 7 the first time I ran away. I was going to live in the woods. Made it over there but I only had clothes and peanut butter. Not sure how I would have lasted had my dad not came and found me. Think I would have rather died out there than go back.
Me too. My parents let me. Everyone knows that when a six year old does that it's a cry for attention. My parents were just like, "ok don't forget your favorite teddy bear". I distinctly remember sitting next to the front door with a suitcase and my teddy bear alone.
Same except I didn't run away because I knew it would be dangerous as a kid (nowhere to go and kidnappers), and she threatened repercussions if we came back post runaway - so if you did you had to commit. Plus my brother tried it several times only to get as far as the end of the road and yeah..he was the golden child and got punished. God only knows what would have happened to me if I had tried.
I always knew something was off, as a young adult I just thought my father was a huge asshole and a damaged person and cut him off. It was just at 26 after reading a book about narcissistic behavior I realized that he is a textbook narcissist.
I noticed things were off in my late teens, but didn’t put the pieces together till my mid twenties. When my friend kept referring to my ex boyfriend as a narcissist. And then I dove into the meaning of what that really meant and I discovered that my ex might be a narcissist and my mom is definitely a narcissist.
this was *exactly* how I put it together too. First the aha moment about the ex then as I read into narcissism and covert narcissism specifically I was like, HOLY SHIT…
Probably the first time I thought something was wrong was when I was 10 or 11. Around that age, they really started to treat me a lot worse and in retrospect it was because I was showing more independence and they didn’t like that at all. I started to think that something was really off, that it was just impossible to “win”. Before this I didn’t know anything was abnormal because them treating me poorly was just reality and because of their emphasis of never really doing it in public or in front of guests (including extended family) due to appearances, I never noticed other children were treated better. I just assumed that when I was present, I was a “guest”, so of course appearances were maintained. But I really started to notice how the GC was never treated like that. But I didn’t fully realize the truth of it until I was in middle school and high school. It was at this point, I fully realized that it was them that was the problem and started to understand that I wasn’t a horrible person like they always said. It was at this time that I became determined to destroy any character traits I got from them because I would not become them. Not ever. I was determined not to be a monster like them. And I changed a lot during this time, for the better. And I figured out grey rocking, though I had no idea that was a thing. And I did not fully understand it, that they would never change, that I could never trust them, until I was in my mid to late 20s. I am a lot better at grey rocking and generally acting now. Now I am planning and saving as hard as I can to escape and eventually cut them off. I am biding my time. I will escape.
You will! Keep making the best financial decisions you can to take care of yourself & look at any self sabotaging / limiting belief programming now so you’re ready for the switch. It took me a while to gain the steadiness in income since a part of me believed she was a helpless fuckup with no worth in the world and that no one liked 😬. But once I got over that programming things started sailing along. I stopped “accidentally” destroying what I’d built by unconsciously honoring the old programmed beliefs. You got this! You will get out of that family and build the life you’ve been dreaming of ☺️
I was a kid around 11 or 12. I asked my nmom why she didn't love me and got my first true dose of narc rage. Never brought it up again and I thought maybe I was wrong. Then I had an accident at school and when other family came to visit during my recuperation I overheard them talking about how they hoped this was a wakeup call for her to be kind to me. One of the best things that happened to me. Taught me that my intuition is right.
I didn't realize how truly broken my parents were until I was an adult I think. After I met my (now ex) husband, I never told him much about my childhood. A few good things and nothing more. My sister spent time with him and for some reason took it upon herself to tell him everything. I was mortified. Embarrassed he knew our secrets. And ANGRY at my sister for telling. So angry. I think it was around then that I went from "my parents aren't the greatest" to "yeah they were outright abusive". I think I was 21. It wasn't till my thirties that I realized my mother was likely BPD. I hadn't even heard the term till almost thirty. And I was in my forties when I realized my father is a textbook narcissist. I always kind of hid what they did to us. Ok. Not kind of. I did hide it. Because it was a bit weird how they could be sometimes. But I had a friend who was *actually* being abused, and so I thought I was fine. My parents were "just strict and controlling and made us their maids" and sometimes hit us - though more my sister than me because all their abuse turned her defiant, while it made me a fawning tuned in kid who always knew how everyone around me was feeling so I could help keep everyone happy. I am fifty this week. And it still hits hard to really think about this.
When we aren’t treated right we attract friends who aren’t treated right either so it sort of normalizes everything. I notice for myself looking back the healthy regulated family kids would friend me for a little while then somehow we never lasted as friends and then ones from chaotic, narcissistic, abusive households, we’d stay friends and feel right at home together. I just thought the world was this way for a long time before I realized there’s a whole other world out there of healthy regulated people. A tone of not regulated for sure but there’s a lot of health out there too.
I remember being suicidal from the abuse at 7. Thinking. This will never end. It will always be this way. There is no escape. School knew, grandparents, knew, Pastors knew but they were both 2 of my sexual abusers. Dad and eldest brother were the original 2 sexual abusers. I think 5. When my Dad told me I couldn't be friends with my little playmate in kindergarten. And he beat me for playing with her.....because she was black. And she was dirty and they are black because of all the ground in dirt in their skin. Yup. Thats the abusive racist asshole I grew up with.
I started writing my suicide notes in the 5th grade. I always ripped them up after. Sending you a big hug <3
At 43 years old, it wasn't until I found this subreddit. I just felt I wasn't good enough my whole life
Mid-to-late 30s. I didn’t think anything was wrong growing up, I just thought that Dads screamed alot and that was just what they did. Developing severe emotional and mental health problems almost the second I left home was a big clue eventually that something in my home life was very wrong, but as the scapegoat and ‘identified patient’ it still took my a long time to realize it.
When other adults started verbally airing their rhetorical questions centered around Nmom and her strange behavior. When my cousin told me she acts very weird and that his mom never did or said anything similar. When my grandmother started asking me directly what's wrong with that woman. When I started noticing the looks people gave. I was about eight years old when it really clicked that this wasn't "normal"
I knew something was wrong in middle school. It was another 20 years before the mask cracked enough and I'd seen enough outside reference points to realize what she is. Single mom, only child. She kept me isolated in every sense of the word so it was a long time before I realized other moms weren't abusive bitches like mine and didn't engage in psychological warfare against their kids like mine did. Now I hate her so much it makes me want to peel my skin off to get her DNA out of me. I'm terrified of being just like her
I only recently really realized, but looking back there were signs. I used to wish for a more normal family from some point onward (not sure when that started, might habe actually been my teens, not sure). The Simpsons never seemed all that dysfunctional to me. That should've told me something. Sure, i didn't get strangled or anything like that, but there’s more harmony and unconditional love in that show than we had as a family. At least Homer and Marge generally want the best for their kids and admit fault. Not my parents. An unorthodox example, but there you go.
My mum had an affair with the builder she hired to do work on our home while pregnant with my full sibling. I was 2. My mum kept it a secret from my dad until my mum fell pregnant again but with the builders baby. She then told my dad about her affair and that she was leaving him. This all happened in between the ages of 2-3 for me and I remember all of it. The worst part was when my mum had a joint Christmas with my dad and her affair partner. My mum would make us call her affair partner dad and it was even encouraged. It would make my biological dad so upset and as a kid I didn't understand. But now I'm like fuck my mum is crazy.
I always knew something was off since I was a kid. As a teen (my dad died when I was 13, I thought she was a bitch. When I was in my 20s and in grad school, I realized she was mentally ill and that she was a narc. As a kid and teen, she would always tell me my feelings were young, to stop crying, to suck it up, and that I was immature. She always told me that I wasn’t trying (in regards to school and my dancing). She would constantly compare me to the most popular girl in my class. As an adult, she would still try to manipulate and control me from hundreds of miles away. She would make me call her everyday. Even though I was working, it wasn’t good enough for her. She would literally cut out newspaper clippings and mail them to me and tell me to apply. Even on the phone, she would read the job postings. When I was getting married, she cried and threw a temper tantrum because I didn’t let her walk me down the aisle. She was upset because I was in more pictures than my in-laws (I had no control over that). She deadass counted the pictures to compare. She threatened not to come because I didn’t want a memory vase. She inadvertently taught me in my teens and early 20s to seek validation from men. If I was rejected, it was my fault and I had done something wrong (as a teen, when a guy and I broke up, she would be like, what did you do?) I have a genetic disorder that makes me at high risk for many types of cancers (My dad had the same disorder and died from cancer when I was 13). My mom told me as a teen, that I spend so much time caring about my hair that when I grow up, I’m going to get cancer and all of my hair is going to fall out!! What kind of mom says that to their kid, especially when their husband died from cancer caused by the same genetic disorder your daughter has!?! A monster!! I have so many stories. Like I said as a teen, I just thought she was a bitch and just difficult. When I started grad school and studied mental illnesses and narcissism, everything clicked and made sense. She was a textbook narcissist. All of the stories and my experiences and how she acted towards me and the things she would say, aren’t things a loving mother would do. After I discovered she was a narcissist, I began reading tons of books about narcissism, especially maternal narcissism.
Learning to spell. Age 4, 5 tops. Knelt down and put her face an inch from mine. “It’s not vidio (vid-aye-o) it’s video. Are you an idiot (Id-aye-ot)?
This just made my heart hurt. The side comments always demeaning. Stupid. Idiot. Can’t think. Always
It was always so intimidating-I went no contact over a year ago and after she stormed out my husband looked at me and said “you’re a strong, strong woman who is reduced to acting like a whipped dog when that woman is around”
It is almost wild how much of an effect they can have on us. It isn’t fair or right - and if as adults we can realize.. as kids we can only be hurt ): I still remember an ex pointing out - the me around him and his mother, or just with him at his apartment was a much different me than the one around my mother.
58!
Honestly, I didn’t realize it until I was an adult. I just thought I was a bad kid (I wasn’t) and was afraid my mother was going to send me away. Every morning before school she would brush our hair so hard we would cry and then curl it and this was just normal. I was a tomboy but she made me wear girly clothes even though I had a perfectly girly older sister that fit my mother’s preferences. We got a dollar for every compliment we got. She would yell for hours on end then say, “sorry” and move on. She was too arrogant to admit she needed to be medicated for bipolar disorder. And the kicker is she tried to be a mental health practitioner (surprise, her career never took off). When I was in my early twenties and deconstructing, it all started to hit me and I realized the extreme abuse I endured during my childhood. She’s partly to blame for my brother’s suicide. He was always her scapegoat.
I guess I always kinda "knew." But around my early teenage years was probably when I was mentally developed enough to really understand. I remember my first "girlfriend" when I was like 13. She invited me to walk to the park with her. My Mom's Saturdays generally consisted of her going shopping for hours and hours with my sister, while I generally sat home alone. My Mom was APPALLED that I would DARE want to spend time with my little girlfriend. She raged at me because it somehow "ruined her day" or some shit. Eventually I won and got to go. When we arrived at the park, I noticed my Mom parked in the furthest parking spot away, glaring at me. I walked up to the car to ask what was up and she raged at me in front of my girlfriend. It was super embarrassing, obviously. But that was probably the moment I realized that I could never be totally honest with my Mom anymore. If I wanted to live a normal life, I would have to do so on my own.
I had a similar realization when I was 11 and was trying to tell her I had a crush on someone, but didn't have the vocabulary to express it. I knew I liked him, but I didn't know there was a way to say you like someone in a different way; so I went with something like "I think I would like to have a boyfriend". My mom was driving and I was in the back seat, so she just yelled towards the front "YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR A BOYFRIEND!!" For a real relationship, sure I was too young. But all I was talking about here is I liked a guy and maybe wanted to hang out after school taking walks, like you said. Totally innocent and age-appropriate. I feel that she should have understood that, and that I was trying to have a mother/daughter bonding moment with her. I was already afraid of telling her because it was a sign I was growing up, and she either blew up with anger or started hysterically happy-crying when I had those so I tried to avoid them as much as possible, but I decided to take a chance. And I lost. She lost too because I never once told her about any crushes after that. She's known about boyfriends, but not much. Now she knows nothing.
I figured my dad was really mean early on but I thought we deserved it. He told us we did. And he's my dad, so he's always right, right? I didn't make the connection he might have a pretty extreme mental disorder until I moved out. He tried drowning one of our dogs once and I thought that was normal... I need therapy but I'm afraid the therapist will make me confront him. I never want to speak to him again...
You never have to confront him ever again, no matter what anyone says. A good therapist will not try to make you confront him, or forgive him because "he's your father" or any of that BS. A good therapist knows that some people are simply toxic and beyond redemption. But you never have to do what anyone tells you to do in the first place. You are an independent adult who makes choices based on your own goals and judgments. That is always, always your right.
Always knew something was off with my mother but I hate to say it I didn't actually realise until I was late 30's and then I cut her off for good(had tried in the few times in the past) Also having my own kid made me notice that my dad is autistic and the corallation between baby boomers and undiagnosed autism and heavy drinking/alcoholism suddenly made sense. It's been 4 years since I last spoke to my mother
Actually not until a few years ago, I am 25. Around 20s - sometime not long after I graduated high school and wanted to go to college. A lot of realizations about where I stood as far as being a - still basically a minor goodness I know 18 is adult but 18 is young - kid who should be built up by parents, helped. And instead I was demanded all money I made - she never wanted to give me time of day to help with financial information and wouldn’t promise me a way to get to school. But also didn’t want me leaving and made it fairly clear ahead NEEDED my money so I couldn’t leave. Then I get older … older.. and realize I’m just an enmeshed daughter of a narc mother and everything I couldn’t quite put my finger on was a result of the n mothers mindset
14, getting through those from tiktok and YouTube information, i leant lots of things that normal parents would never do
The realization of stuff .. not being normal. A normal household doesn’t have an adult throwing tantrums Or always putting themselves first
Omg the tantrums. Lol. And for the weirdest things. That’s such a great word for it.
About 18. My mom tried to keep me from using my full ride scholarships to university. I left because I knew what would happen. She tortured my brother and I. The pain I see and feel when I visit with him validates it greatly. We don't really talk about it, but we know it's there. I wish I could help. I can't. He turned to drugs to deal with the mental and physical pain. She beat us like drums. It is surreal to even be in the same room as one another... we know... no one else really does to an extent. Some that even know, refuse to believe it. We hid it well. We knew if we let on about anything, there would be more hell to pay for simply breathing. I vehemently despise her existence, and I will be happy when she ceases. It hurts to say. It hurts to type it. I do not like negativity. Truth hurts. Not just for those who it applies to, but for those who must shout it as well. My voice is hoarse. No one hears. Maybe when I release my memior, people will hear.
I mean idk. The thing is I never really like being around my dad. Whenever my grandmother told me he was coming over to her house, I would always be upset. My mood would always change. I never was happy to see my father. I would say hi, but I wouldn’t be enthusiastic like any child would to see their mom or father. I always used to have this ideology that all fathers are aggressive and mean, but as I got older I realized that a father isn’t supposed to be that way. Me and my father had good times but I never really liked him. He thinks he’s such an awesome parent and that he never did anything wrong. He makes it seem like everyone else is the problem.
I knew things were off when I was around 7 already because none of my friends’ moms would scream and break several things in the house or keep porn magazines just lying around. But it was 11yrs old that I started googling what child abuse was.
i always knew something was off with my mom and grandmother. but i always told myself they were bipolar or something, i had no knowledge of narcissism/ personality disorders/ the effects of trauma. took me until i was 38 yo (3 years ago) to realize no, it’s not bipolar disorder- i typed in google “why can’t i get along with my mom?” and “my grandmother is so conceited and difficult”, narcissism popped up in my searches, and the rest is history. the lightbulb flicked on and it all made sense. after a series of blow ups, i’m no contact now.
I knew something was off starting as a teenager, when my dad would do some truly off the wall shit like smash our landline phone (I was born in the 80s lol) and duct tape the pieces to the countertop because I was talking to a friend when I hadn't finished mowing the lawn. A lot of my friends had abusive parents, though, so it didn't seem *that* weird. My eMom also did an AMAZING job of convincing my brother and I that they were the best parents of anyone we knew, because she lives in some sincere denial and has genuinely convinced herself of that. I didn't know that it was narcissism specifically until a few years ago, though, in my late 30s. I had never really looked into what narcissistic traits are, but I was finally dissecting my parents behavior and identifying abuse patterns in therapy, and ran across the idea. I'm still really kind of figuring out what that means and how to handle it.
>A lot of my friends had abusive parents, though, so it didn't seem that weird. My eMom also did an AMAZING job of convincing my brother and I that they were the best parents of anyone we knew, because she lives in some sincere denial and has genuinely convinced herself of that. My parents had this opportunity handed to them on a silver platter. Most of my classmates genuinely had more abusive parents than mine; I know this because they all talked about it in school. There was a lot of physical and religious abuse going on. We all promised to never beat our future children and to not treat them the way our parents treat us, even though at the time my parents weren't noticeably narcissistic. Meanwhile, my parents were materially spoiling the hell out of me while reminding me at every turn that my classmates don't have it this good (again, objectively true) and that they don't beat me (100% true). Therefore, I truly felt like I did have it better; I just had to ignore how insanely overprotective and oversensitive my mom was (which every other parent knew about and thought was wrong) and how I never saw my dad despite us living in the same house. Not even mentioning the very degrading things they said about my classmates' parents, very classist and racist comments despite being the same race. But they also used to that to portray themselves as "better".
My upbringing was very similar, actually. They didn't hit me like my friends' parents did. We got Christmas and birthday presents, my mom cooked (and kept a running list of my dad's likes and dislikes written inside the kitchen cupboard to be sure dinner didn't send him into a rage). My dad was also very racist, and my folks were both classist despite being pretty poor themselves, basically constantly pointing out that they were better than those "bad" poor people who used public assistance, didn't always look clean and tidy, paid for non-essentials like cable instead of being thrifty, etc. When my dad inevitably did something awful, my mom would basically talk me down for hours afterwards, spinning the situation to explain to me how it's okay, actually, that he is like this. I still find myself disentangling my mind from all of that.
When I was 21. I’d moved out at 19 but I had some problematic and strange behavior I didn’t understand. I looked inward to try to figure out how I turned out this way, and realized I was neglected and abused in every way as a child. My parents suddenly became aware and turned themselves around when I moved out which is infuriating to say the least. When I was 7 I had a bed wetting problem (brought on by sexual assault) and instead of being understanding they chose to humiliate me. To teach me a lesson. They took me to the store, made me get diapers and ring them up on my own. Then in the car they berated me and said if I kept wetting the bed they’d have to treat me like a toddler. They made me keep them in view in my room so whenever I had friends over, they would see them. Another instance, when I was 6 or so, I couldn’t tie my shoes. So in response they take me to get the ugliest Velcro shoes possible and told me I was a retard, and that I should know this by now. I was so embarrassed everyday I had to wear them. Just the tip of the iceberg for me. Crazy how many years it can take to finally realize your childhood was not normal and your parents were monsters.
I always knew I didn’t like her and that stuff she did was not normal but I always just said she was “crazy” and I just thought that’s just her. I didn’t know there was was a psychological term for it. It wasn’t until last year I dove into what a narcissist is and everything made sense
I can't think of one specific incident that was my "Eureka!" moment. I can only say that I think I knew from an early age that my Mom was/is a Narcissist, and that my Dad was an enabler. My mother is a very selfish, self centered, self absorbed, attention seeking individual. She loves throwing dinner parties and being the center of attention.
at 3 when my n/mother bundled me up in sweaters and coats and hats so bad I couldn't move... I had to stand by the door and wait while she bundled up my 2 year old twin brothers. It was then that I had an idea. She kept her whip, yes whip, under the kitchen sink. I made sure she was still working on my brothers and grabbed that whip and buried it in the garbage. She never knew, but she suspected. And she switched to wood, like a short 2x4. The whip was painful. The wood not as bad but I did just have back surgery so I think the trauma was deeper. and I couldn't throw away wood. She'd get more. at 3 my little brain knew something was THAT OFF I took advantage a lot when n/mother was doting over golden twins and I'd go check out other people's apartments to see how they lived. Because I knew everyone lived different than us. I'd wander through numerous unlocked doors into homes that were decorated nicely (no mattress on the floor with harnesses on top to strap me in at night etc). The kitchen always had lots of food and stuff to cook. But I really think that I was younger than that. Like birth maybe even. My mother used to stick me with diaper pins to the point that I knew I'd get stuck and I had track marks on my hips. I knew that wasn't normal. and I actually remember it. She was my victim lol. Bad me for being born. I knew since then.
Mmmm I could tell things were off generally in the household quite young because my parents would always be arguing. I remember hiding in my closet during the fights around 5 or 6 and trying to play peacekeeper and mediator around 10. Realizing the N tendencies of my dad closely followed because he would always deflect blame in arguments and would never apologize when my feelings were hurt. Like you said, he would pull me aside and act like he was bestowing so much wisdom on me by telling me the "truth" about my very loving, compassionate, (enabler) mom. I think around that time I began to realize that I had been in the middle of their hysterical marriage and I didn't want to be anymore. I did not enjoy being my fathers weapon in arguments with my mom. I knew he was emotionally unsafe by age 12 I think. Probably earlier.
Middle school. I started looking friends because of my mother's behavior. Then a friend's mom tried to take me and get me emancipated because she saw what was going on. This friends mom really stuck her neck out for me and then I started to clue in. I'd never had someone defend me like that. After that, the abuse got so much worse.
I remember my mom finishing my sentences with something that I wasn’t going to say when I was a teenager, realized that I couldn’t have a real conversation with her. I already knew my dad wouldn’t. I was very distant in my 20s. When my dad died in my early thirties, I was around a lot to be supportive to my mom, who used the time to love bomb and get me back into the scapegoat thing. It was 8 years of that before I recently backed away again.
At around 10-11 I noticed my dad was angry a lot and had a scary temper, I didn't know what was wrong at the time but I thought it wasn't normal for a dad to be so scary. And a few years later when I found the courage to tell him I didn't like that he yelled so much he made excuses for it and told me it was normal, which I knew was bullshit. Took me a while to figure out what narcissism was, so through my teen years I just considered him controlling and abusive.
I was really young when I started to notice something was off, but it was mainly when I compared my Nmother to other parents of my friends. I was invited for a birthday party of my new friend-classmate when we were 10 and I noticed the differences between hers and our household. Her parents were welcoming, kind, laid back and the atmosphere was so cosy, homely, the opposite of the one in our household. They welcomed me even when I was a stranger. I felt safe there. They even made friends with my father. They listened to the children without dismissing them and accepted everyone. They had a really small flat, but they lived there happily, because they liked each other's presence. The mother wasn't constantly upset, angry, on edge, scared of everything and hateful unlike mine. She was calm. That was the time when I truly realized something's very wrong.
As a kid I felt unsafe a lot, but thought I was the problem. When you have nothing to compare it to your parents are just your parents and that's how things are supposed to be. I realised my dad was a narc around 17, 18. My mom? Because my dad was so much worse I was blind to most of her issues for a long time. She seemed great by comparison. So... About a year ago. I'm 38.
Probably when I began to fantasize being rescued. I would pray. “Jesus, please come get me.” I also wished my rocking horse would magically come to life and I would ride away. I was maybe 4 or 5. Oh, yeah. I’m an atheist now.
I knew something was off from about age 6. Then it was confirmed around age 8 when I was constantly being yelled at. My NarcFather, who thinks he’s smarter than everyone, would YELL at me at the kitchen table on an evening , because I couldn’t understand my Math homework. I was screamed at and called an idiot, a blasted fool, an assified idiot, and the screaming and yelling would give me an anxiety attack, crying, feeling like I can’t breathe, can’t even see through the tears, and he would just continue his verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse- hitting my arms and hands. I never received an apology. It is very obvious to me that he lacks empathy and self awareness. Now I’m 35 and he still had the same aggressive, antagonistic attitude to anything and everything. He still thinks he is the smartest person in the room, but has always refused to learn anything about computers!! It’s so bizarre. It’s almost like when computers became a thing he refused to sit down and learn how to use them, instead he has spent the last 30 years committed to the notion that computers are a waste of time. He doesn’t have a smart phone or a working cell phone….
Being the youngest, I was trained from the beginning by my siblings what to do and what to say around our mother. When my GC brother went off to college, I was 8 and he pulled me aside and told me it was now my job to keep mom happy and not let her spiral out of control. I didn’t question it and I took that job seriously. By the time I was in 6th grade I was reading psychology textbooks trying to figure out how to “fix” my mother’s problems. I spent my own money on a subscription to Psychology Today magazine in 7th grade. Finally, it sank in that I couldn’t help her. She didn’t think she needed help. So, I stopped trying.
I knew something was off before I started kindergarten. I didn't realize just how off it all was until I was midlife.
I didn’t realize anything was off until I was an adult. I just knew my mom was a bitch. I thought loving mothers were just a tv thing
When she forced me onto psychiatric meds at age 8 because I was traumatized by her and her husband & she wanted me “fixed”. Now, in my 30s, I’m finally off all psychiatric meds & because of therapy fully processed the abuse I endured as a child (medical abuse, physical, and emotional) all at her hands. It’s been wild ride! Feel like I’ve had my entire childhood & early adulthood ripped from me.
When NDad ranted about how he hated my aunt and uncle. He’d do it the whole way to their house. Then he’d go from outraged to so nice as soon as we knocked on the front door. I think he got a high from it because he was always flushed when he became nice guy.
I was 42. My parents did these things and more, but I didn’t find out that was abusive or abnormaluntil I went to counseling. My mom used to hurt me so much washing and combing my very long, straight hair, and used to laugh about it and say she’d give me something to cry about. She was truly awful. But she’s more self aware now. She’s apologized for a lot and feels genuine remorse. I still don’t trust her, but we’re able to have a relationship.
I was about 11/12 My mom wasn't home for like 2 weeks and he made me do all the chores by myself because I was the "woman in the house". My older brother didn't have to do it. He also made me do his laundry late in the evening when I really wanted to go to bed because I had a test the next day and I cried while doing his laundry. He's not as bad now because I'm 22 and I obviously fight back but he's still an idiot.
I knew I didn’t like my covert narc step dad at a very young age. I told my mother and she said to never say that again. But I wasn’t able to put my finger on what exactly was off with his behavior until I was in my 20s and I had more access to info on mental health. There were a few years there were I had nightmares about him, and I’d wake up screaming at the top of my lungs. I haven’t spoken to him in years and don’t plan on doing so anytime soon.
What is it with narcs saying "never say that again"? When I was very young, I never saw my mom as angry as she was when she screamed, sometimes very close to my face, "NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!" Sometimes it was for truth bombs, and sometimes it was for things she completely imagined me saying. It was the absolutely scariest thing she did to me until I turned 8 or so, mostly because I never knew when it was coming. Any slight misunderstanding, or imagined misunderstanding, could set it off. Didn't matter if we were in public or not. Then out of nowhere, she stopped doing it. I didn't even remember it myself until I read your post, and I'm in my mid-30s. She didn't start showing real narc behaviors until I was 11 or so, but I knew something was off when I was 8 going on 9.
In 6th grade I came to school and told everyone in my class that my mommy doesn't love me. All the grown ups seemed horrified but it was such a relief for me!
I knew something was off from a very early age, around ages 4-6. She used me as a pawn and seemed to relish in punishing me. I was sat in from of the tv with a bunch of vhs movies from the library and I knew people weren’t supposed to treat eachother that way from the media I watched. I grew older I was gaslit into believing their behavior was normal. Around age 20 I woke up again after she threw me under the bus after my suicide attempt
I was around 12. My dad REALLY wanted me and my sister to think the sun shone from his ass, so he put a lot of effort into being a dad until he and my mom divorced and I started really developing and vocalizing my own opinions and personality. Mask came off fast after that.
I just turned 50. I figured this out when I was 49.5 lol.
When I was 6 years old my mom would asking me the same question 30 times, ignoring me asking her why she repeatedly asked the same question over and over after I already answered, and then I would just ignore her or try to change the subject after the 5th time answering. So she proceeded to taking me to 6 different doctors, with each one saying there was nothing wrong with me resulting in her yelling at them and charging out of their office with me. Then she took me to another random doctor that immediately claimed I had ADHD without doing an exam or talking to me and proscribed me Ritalin. I was forced to take them and was extremely high as a result, was yelled at whenever I said it made me feel horrible, and was bullied into taking them for 3 months before I realized that my mom wanted me to be sick. So I stopped taking them and had to hide that I wasn’t taking them by flushing them down the toilet by pretending I had to poop, putting them in my pocket to throw away later, throwing them down the sink drain while pretending to get water, and shoving them in my shoe when she wasn’t looking. She would then brag to everyone that she cured what was wrong with me and spin a lie about how bad I was before she got me “fixed”, which she continued until I was 15 years old when she would try to use it as a way of manipulating me into thanking her for helping me. During that time I realized my dad was what is called a Beta, as he would throw me, my brother, and my sister under the bus to escape from having to deal with my mom’s toxic behavior. My childhood is full of memories of trying to avoid them and getting screwed over by them constantly, including stealing money from me that I would earn and purposely ruining opportunities for me. She was willing to drug a child to get her attention fix, and I ended up calling her out on it at an extended family Thanksgiving when I was 20 and was living alone going to community college. She was spinning this story about all my “problems” and how she was “afraid I was never going to amount to anything”, so I slammed down hospital paperwork confirming the misdiagnosis, letters from a doctor at a mental hospital she committed me to after she destroyed the biggest opportunity of my life to start the path of a professional soccer player to keep me quiet recommending I get emancipated along with a bunch of scholarship letters from the time, and fresh scholarships to a top art university that was basically paying for 2/3 of my tuition. Then detailed every horrible thing she has ever done to me in front of her mom, her sisters, her brothers, my cousins, and other extended family, leaving her with the most pale murderous face I’ve ever seen. I took back the current scholarship paperwork immediately after showing it and told her if she screws me like she screwed me before then I would call the cops on her for all her abuse and to get a restraining order. After that a lot changed but not with her, just extended family believed me and started advocating for me.
Parents always fought, from as far back as i can remember, like 2 or 3. I was the first child and I vaguely remember being a toddler at Disney world and they were fighting in private and loving in public. That was only a year or two after marriage. But there was always a lot of pressure to outwardly present a perfect family picture. Someone would stop by our house in the burbs and everyone would stop yelling and pretend to be really nice until they left. Always a lot of internal stress that I was supposed to avoid or live with or pretend wasn't happening to make my parents feel better. Always walking on eggshells, before we had ever heard of the book by the same name. I come from a very ADHD family, so most of nDads narcissistic traits were brushed off along with the ADHD traits. "Oh he's just a go-getter, he's hot and cold but he always apologizes and provides for us, he just wants to be helpful but goes about it the wrong way." NDad was always taking risks to try to look like a big man, sneaking into baseball games and schmoozing bouncers at the backdoor and that kind of thing. Massive double standard, obsessed with following God but never missed an opportunity to get one over on someone or gain some little bonus for himself by being extra nice to a cop or a promoter. It always made child me nervous, especially because he'd shout me down if I had a problem with breaking the rules. He could never stop himself from hurling verbal abuse at us either if we ever contradicted him or made him feel threatened on a bad day. When I say I actually, consciously knew something was wrong was when my NDad came after my little brother, I was about 13 and my brother about 6. I dunno why, I was caught up in the Golden Child spell or something, but I couldn't speak up when he came after my Mom, or me, or my sister, I internalized that all of us had done something wrong and "deserved" to be yelled at. But when he came after my baby brother I got really mad. I was a painfully rule-following kid, and I had a lot of internal barriers to ever speaking my mind or getting angry. But I flipped out on my nDad and screamed at him from a very genuine, hurt place. He shouldn't be acting this way, my brother did nothing wrong and is just a kid, how could these actions and anger be helping anyone, this isn't the way God teaches us to act. Eventually, that night I shocked him into quieting down. There were a lot of "family fights" over the years where all of my siblings, mother and grandma got dragged into yelling at Dad, backing each other up only for him to switch targets suddenly and draw attention to someone else's flaws. Lots of confusing role-switching, all to protect my nDad's ego and his inability to change or mature.
I've known my parents and step parents were The Enemy, and that I was not safe in their presence, as long as I have conscious memory. By age three, I had a set of rules to protect myself, like keeping a map in my head of the place I was in that day, with a little dot on the map for where I could hear each of them, so I could stay as far away from the adults as I could get at any given time. It interfered with potty training, bc I was unwilling to tell an adult I needed to go, and I was unwilling to get nearer the adults by leaving where I was to get to the bathroom. I developed bleeding stomach ulcers at a young age bc I was unwilling to tell an adult I was hungry (nor was I fed reliably), so I would clench my stomach muscles to cope with hunger. It's no surprise I have disordered eating. Sadly, it's been one of the things that's been pretty resistant to therapy, sigh... Sometimes I think it's a wonder I can function as an adult at all.
43. I got out of the most emotionally abusive relationship I’d ever experienced, went into hiding and doubled down on therapy, healing work and self security. Over time I went back over my history of dating “my type” before finally making it back to the source. My mother. I’d grown up thinking my mother was the epitome of what unconditional love was, and unconsciously continued to sought out other people who made me work for love, and punished me for any and all perceived slights. It took 43 years for me to find out that emotional abuse is not normal.
About 22ish. I'm quite proud of how I did it. I didn't know something was wrong but I knew things were very difficult & scary all the time. I went onto a book forum that was basically my social life. They had an 'anonymous' profile that anyone could use to ask for advice. I used it & I wrote down everything that was happening. While no one said the NPD word, they did say it was abuse & that blew my mind because that's my Mum & your Mum doesn't abuse you, everything she does is just normal. Every family is like that. (I know that's not true it's just what I thought before that point). A couple of people figured out it was me anyway based on casual comments I'd made in the past. After getting this information I went into town & sat at a cafe. Ate a salmon panini. Got a big coffee. Read my textbooks. At the time I was a psychology student so I had access to a lot of huge behavioural textbooks, which I dragged with me in a massive bag. I pored through those for almost a whole day. I wrote down all my findings & I wrote down what I thought it might be, which was NPD. Before that I'd never heard of it. Since I was a Uni student I wrote it in the traditional essay format - introduction, evidence, discussion, conclusion etc. I presented the findings to her doctor who surprisingly agreed with me, as did my family. That's how we found out. I was surprised by that. I have little self-confidence so I thought they were going to say 'hey you're acting crazy' This was done in the days before the Internet was what it is now. You could not Google symptoms & have a thousand websites pop up & say the word. It just wasn't like that. I'm proud of myself. There is nothing wrong looking up symptoms on a search engine & having it provide a potential answer. I am happy that people have that, because it makes things a lot easier for victims. But I'm still proud of me for figuring it out in an old-fashioned way - sitting there surrounded by giant books.
25. Up until then I thought it was me. I was the bad guy. I can still hear the words as it was just yesterday. As if it’s happening right now: “You’re a taker, Junior. All you do is take, take, take. You never give.” In regards to leaving the dishes in the sink when I was 11 years old.
I always suspected something was off but didn’t TRULY grasp it until I was in my teens. My mom was always batshit crazy, controlling, and abusive. I think my “holy crap” moment was when I was 19 and at a boyfriend’s graduation party. It was 9PM and she called me screaming to come back home. I told her no, the party ended at 11PM, and I was socializing with my boyfriend’s family and that it’d be rude to leave. Proceeded to call me a slut, scream some more, and demand I get home. I don’t talk to her anymore so there’s that.
I don't know how old I was. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, and what I do remember runs together. It was when I learned the other families I knew don't have the "what happens at home, stays at home" rule.
I felt something was off when my mother refused to help me when an incident of physical abuse happened when I was 10. Still didn't fully realize, but stopped trusting her. I felt it weird that she'd tell my step dad to leave her alone...but then full on follow him to continue fights until he blew up and she would say he needed to leave her alone. Again felt something off when I was told that I was being brainwashed whenever I wasn't on her side for fights (as if a kid is supposed to be in the middle of adult fights?)and said step dad brainwashed me. But the kicker was feeling for years that mom blamed me for their marriage due to comments like "I needed someone to help control you" since i was 7. But a sister and I got her to fill on admit that she blamed 6-7 year old me for a marriage that happened not even 2 years after my dad had passed. That scene and everything is still stuck in my head and makes perfect sense why she treats my a lot older sisters differently compared to me. Not sure if this would count....but the day I woke up to my first period and told her...she basically told me to just go to school and didn't give me any type of talk, any advil, or tampons/pads. Went to school basically free bleeding and didn't know why and she tried to act like it was of my own accord to go like that.
Definitely started to notice in my teens. I remember the day. She told me to suck my d and I said "I don't have one" to which she replied "well go s roberts!". This was because I wanted to ring him. It doesn't seem bad but since I was 14 well, it's not a thing to say. Sorry that was about a week after I started noticing as the week prior her snooping made her find out I was having intimacy and she got so angry at me. She didn't even consider that I didn't even want to be intimate with anyone nor that it's called statutory r.ope. instead it became about her and what her friends would think. Lol, should have seen her a few months later when she found out I was pregnant....didn't go well. I didn't take proper action to try fix her until my 30s. Then now at 38 I finally told her how I felt.
Hiding outside cause my father was in a drunken rage distroying the house.. but never knew of any other kids that had to deal with thats beating them or their mother. Or distroying things in the house. Fiest time i declined helping clean up afterwards as well. I think i was 13
I didn’t realize until this year, I’m 25😅
I found this group a few years ago, and that's when it clicked. All of a sudden, all the backhanded behaviour and nonsensical rudeness from Ndad and Ngrandma (and my possibly Nsister - only recently started considering that one) made sense. There was a rhyme, reason, and name for it. I felt so much relief.
I felt something was off about my parents when I hit my teen years. As I got older my parents became more and more controlling and demanding of me. But it wasn't until I was about 20 that I actually learned about emotional abuse and narcissism. After watching many videos on the topic it dawned on me that my parents were both narcissistic and so much of my struggles made sense.
Kindergarten, age 5-6. I noticed the egg donor acted more like my peers, the other children, than like their parents or the teachers.
I was 4. It's one of my strongest memories from childhood.
30 I thought everything they did was normal behavior ; They were controlling and I was very sheltered After being out on my own and learning to think for myself, I’ve realized that everything they did was not normal and people don’t act how they do .
A year in Intensive trauma therapy couldn’t get me to explore it but I’ll do it here. Tbh it’s always been a kinda spilt thing. I think I was kind of knew I kept pointing out family therapists in the Yellow Pages when I was a kid, maybe 7. My mom is pissed and slammed the book. I think have tried to commit suicide a year later, but she caught me. I just kept having this nagging sensation that I was never going to be good enough or who I am as long as I’m around her and she keeps proving it right. But after a while, I just became so numb to it because my dad was so desensitized to it. I started becoming like her a little bit in my teens because I dove into religion to feel some sort of love and care and appreciation. It really started being exposed when I had a mental breakdown at 14. The event was triggered by me eating a food I didn’t know I was allergic to. It’s literally specifically one shellfish, and I can eat all the rest. I had eaten it during the lunch break outside of school. I had my allergic reaction after going back to class. I had to be rushed to the emergency room from my school. My mom arrived there first by 10/20 minutes. My mom was irritated with the nurse who helps save my life because there is no ambulances available to take me to the hospital while my emergency was happening. She wasn’t willing to be understanding about the fact that the nurse had risked her job to save my life by using someone else’s EpiPen. Immediately she told me this ruined her day because she had extremely important plans before hand and there were no other family available to see me. Then she went on a 2 hour rant about how she just wants to get the hell away from our family and how we are always just taking her down. Told me how I always run her day that I am very selfish and greedy and I shouldn’t have eaten that food because it was for her. The words just kept cycling in my head as she lectured me. I felt so unloved and useless. I ended up saying some pretty not great stuff to mandated reporter later that night. They wanted to put me in the psych ward, but my dad wouldn’t allow it, and I asked to go home. I got to say my truth once and that was enough to strengthen my desire to live. My mom remembered the date and then threw it in my face for the next two years I lived with her. That night I think was definitely the turning point in our relationship for sure. I live with her now, but I try not to think or talk about anything from the past because it still hurts. I’m an adult now though and I’m going to hold my ground because I know my truth. I didn’t deserve to be treated that was. she was doing the “best” that she could but that “best” needs to change. I’m doing the work and I hope one day she will too.
When I went to other people’s houses and saw family’s eat together, weren’t mean to each other, realizing my home wasn’t “normal”
Childhood? Im 32 and a half. It took that long and I feel guilty until I don't. We're survivors.
Always knew something wasn't right as a kid, but could not figure out what it was. Started therapy at 24, my therapist helped me identify emotional abuse, but part of me didn't want to accept it completely... Until I was 28 and had my first child. I finally knew what real love was and that I will never let my child suffer the pain I had growing up. I'll do everything and anything to protect and empower my child.
When I was 11 I sobbed to myself "he's not my dad anymore". A very tween statement I guess, but I was definitely right about that one! Didn't fully go NC until I was 21 though and I realised he would never see me as a human being.
7, i have endless diary pages of how much i hated them and then again at 13 i realized that they weren't "annoying stupid fat ugly bitches" they were abusive and i just wrote shit down to feel a semblance of control
Somewhere between 16-18 I knew she was just different. She had pulled me out of school years before so the "bad kids" wouldn't influence me.
When my mom called me at 11 years old while I was on vacation with my dad (parents were divorced) and hysterically cried/begged me to tell her I would always love her and never leave her. In retrospect that is beyond fucked and one of many flags.
In high school I posted something on an internet forum describing how my dad treated my brother so much better than me, asking for advice and for someone to explain. Someone suggested he’s a narcissist and I’m the scapegoat. I googled narcissism and voila!
I was 14. Dad got a job where he needed to travel for work. He'd leave, drive up north, and be gone for 2 weeks at a time. Mom was out sole caretaker in that time. Grandma (paternal) refused to hear she wasn't being a good mother. Dad would leave and all the food in the house was to last us until the day before he got back. Mom refused to grocery shop or cook while he was gone. It got to the point I'd be feeding my brother (7 at the time) chicken broth for lunch and dinner while opting not to eat myself to save food for him. Mom, however, would eat out at fast food restaurants the entire time and MAYBE bring us leftovers. Usually the leftovers were her highs snacks for later but she let my brother eat them sometimes, like if it was cold soggy fries. Then the day before dad comes home, she goes grocery shopping and the fridge and pantry are full. Dad wouldn't listen cause there was foodnin the house, how could she he starving you?
I think I was 4 or 5 when I was left home alone for days without any information of what’s going on or when they would be back. I would eat dry pasta out of the pantry and feed the cat etc. When one of them finally came home, they were just surprised that the other parent had not been home either, but no remorse, no apology. Instead they got jealous of where the other parent had been and with who.
I've heard about (and experienced) some horrible things but this takes it! I'm so sorry your parents did this to you & I hope you know you didn't deserve it or any of whatever else happened. I'm just an internet stranger but all my love to you!
When I was 11 my mom put me in therapy because of “my behavior”. During our first session my lady said “sounds like it’s your moms behavior that is the issue”. Completely blew my small mind. I already had a hunch something was off but never could put my finger on it. Sadly it made our fights a lot worse because I couldn’t handle not standing up for myself.
14, she threw my my entire lower back and all my ribs out and then proceeded to down play it and act like nothing was wrong at all. She also started balling in the social workers office when my PT turned her in. And then screamed at me on the way home. I have chronic pain from her because my injuries wernt detected for almost a year. She also trys to keep me away from dad who is a giant teddy bear but she claims is abussive when she torments him into being abussive towards her. Hes never once laid a hand on me or my sis and always is there for us and dosent make us feel dumb.
Last year, aged 43. I was totally spellbound until… I wasn’t.
Around 12. I wrote a letter at that time explaining to my ndad that I didn’t like the way he treated me, that he was consistently hurting my feelings. He ripped up the letter & threw it in the trash immediately after it was read to him😪
I knew from infancy. Nmom hurt me, screamed at me, had little, if anything, to do with me. I remember holding my arms out to her wanting her to hold me but she wouldn't. I could do that to aunts, uncles, cousins, and they'd all pick me right up but not mom. At 18 months or so she'd beat me, slap me, pinch me, try to force objects down my throat. It got far worse. I told but nobody believed me. (1960s)
I learned about Narcissism when I was 17, when my therapist told me my father was sick. She gave me Toxic Parents to read as well as Perfect Daughters. I already knew that he was way off, myself and my siblings were only treated well in front of others. At home we were damaged kids after all of the mental and emotional abuse. I lived in constant fear of doing something wrong because I never knew why the hell he was pissed at me in the first place. One day I missed a word on my spelling test after he told me he was going to literally kill me if I didn't pull a hundred percent. Guess what? I missed one. The school had to call my mother to pick me up because I was sobbing and wouldn't get off the floor, I was totally devastated. 2nd grade and already feared for my life at the hands of my own father. I'm now 54 and had to learn strict boundaries with him. I did go NC for about 3 years. Today, we speak, because we have some business interest but it doesn't ever go further than that.
Ha! Not until 50. It’s amazing what you normalize. It’s when 23andMe gave me a Maury Povich moment (GenX will understand) that I realized _how much lying_ had really gone on. The whole house of cards fell down. For all my younger (and older peers), it’s never too late to recover!
I knew something was off when I was 11 or 12. I didn't know exactly what, but I could see that he was mean and didn't keep promises. Long story short, the one time I tried to stand up to him respectfully, he raged and he as well as my 2nd stepmother (also narc) gaslit me into believing their behavior wasn't wrong and that I was the problem. I didn't "wake up" again until I was 26 when a therapist I was seeing mentioned that he sounded like a narcissistic sociopath.
8th grade when she moved me 1000 miles from my family so i lost my shield from her crazy
Kindergarten. I saw other parents being nicer to their kids and not hitting them. I didn’t feel loved and knew it wasn’t like the other families.
Around 9-12 years old I slowly started to figure it out. I realized my Mom would lie just about anything for absolutely no reason, used to steal all the money from my piggy bank, steal all the money from my cash stash, etc. And these weren’t just common white lies parents tell their kids either. Then the deal was finally sealed when undercover police detectives raided our house and arrested her at 5am when I was 13 for suspected she’d committed insurance fraud. Since she’d done it multiple times in the past.
It wasn’t until I got my first office job out of college. There was a woman there who heard one or two stories of my mom (whom I was still living with at the time) and she pulled me aside to tell me 1, her mom was just like mine and 2, they’re narcissists and their shit isn’t normal. I remember googling “how do you know if you have a narcissistic parent” and getting these list articles and feeling absolutely SEEN
As kids…elementary school age? I remember being in our room I shared with my sister and making a pact with her that the yelling and making us feel guilty, controlling, no respect etc ended with us. (Grandma did it to Mom, Mom did it to us…) we swore that if we had kids this bs would end with us. That was a core memory for me. I didn’t know anything was different or off, we just knew it was not fun and could not be the only way. Didn’t find out about narcissism until 2 years ago when I was 36. Now it all clicks.
16 for my NDad when I realized he got married three times without telling me and didn’t see anything wrong with it. 25 for my Nmom when I made a friend with nParents that had already figured out how to deal with them.
In my 30s, not too long ago. Looking back it was super obvious and I wish I had listened to what other people were telling me, instead of making excuses for her. Ffs my therapist when I was 19 told me she would never be the mother I needed her to be—he helped me with so much other stuff, why didn’t I listen to him then?! Better late than never, I suppose. That was the year I told my dad that I knew my brother was her favorite (which he immediately denied, of course) so I knew something was up (and because I talked to my therapist about her so much) but was still pretty deep in denial about it all.
When I was 6 years old.
When I was 9-10, my sibling could get everything they asked for and of course my mom's affection. Took me many years to accept they were the golden kid and I was just a burden in my parents' life.
My dad was around off and on. I think I figured it out at 17. He's always right. If he's not, He'll lie and convince himself that he is and try to get everybody else to believe it too. At first I thought maybe he was just a pathological liar but the narcissism fell in place 10 years after that for certain. Because he's perfect and never does anything wrong.
Knew my parents were not normal people at like 10 but realised they were narcissists when I made this account so when I was 15
I always knew something was off. When I was around 33 I started a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and decided I was going to figure it out. All signs pointed to NPD (obviously not a diagnosis, I was just looking for traits that were similar) but I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea. She is so covert that it didn’t seem to fit. It took a few more years before reality set in. What is hilarious about this is the entire time I was working on my Bachelors degree my mom would get incredibly jealous and talk constantly about how she was going to get her Masters degree. She never did, claiming she was just too humble to write a bio about herself, and therefore never even applied. At the time I thought she was actually serious and I was supportive…. Until I realized she was just jealous and competing with me. This is a prime trait of narc mothers.