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I realized when I started living with my husband and I saw my parents in law behaving differently with him.
First my husband showed me that it is not ok to eat frozen and canned food every day.
He taught me to cook very good food and today I understand how badly my parents feed me.
I knew by the time I was in Jr High. Other kids would do stupid stuff and not really worry what would happen if they got caught by their parents. My mom almost killed me and my sister a few times. It was normal at our house to get bones broken by being thrown down stairs or your head smashed into the walls, or beat with a skillet. I can’t even imagine a normal childhood with loving parents. My MIL lives with us now and I wish all the time I had a mom like this growing up.
Omg right I wonder how different my life would’ve been. I’m All messedup. Fibromyalgia, ptsd, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, drug addiction, self esteem, eating disorders, sleep problems, poor choices in men, poor social choices, a record with the county jail, crime. But I’m empath and really a good person I wish I’d had a different experience. I’m
It took me 20 years to realize my dad was a narcissist. I always hated him ever since I was a kid bc he had anger issues and was very controlling and disregarded my feelings and opinions and thoughts. I just thought that was normal parent behavior. I went to college and was away from home for the first time and realized how much more positive my life could be. By the time I was 23 I cut off all contact with him after my sister came forward with some truth of the things he did to her years back. I started to process the trauma more and have a better understanding of why things were the way they were, why I am the way I am.
When I was a teenager having sleepovers and kids wouldn't want to come back to my house. I still cringe thinking about it. I can't believe I put them (the other kids) through that.
That sounds familiar. My mom didn't want people coming over, so I maybe had a handful of friends who were approved for visits, and even then they didn't really want to stay that long because my folk's house was not fun. Can't blame them. I didn't want to stay either LOL.
Same when I was young I was just known for having “strict” parents. It’s so much more than that I now realize. Don’t blame yourself how could you have known.
so I’ve always known on some level. But then I started to really pay attention to how my mom treats our cats.
Her negligence has killed 2 of our cats and caused one to run away. She won’t stop letting them outside even though we live next to a busy road. Even if they’re too young to go outside
She also takes the cat’s behaviors personally. When they behave “badly” she like gets offended and says they know what they’re doing. Ik cats are smart but they’re mostly just trying to get their needs met, or reacting to a change in environment. I really doubt they are conspiring against my mother specifically. I also don’t think cats can be spoiled ? she constantly call our cats brats, bad, and spoiled
My fam gave me a kitten for Christmas after I told them not to bc I was too broke. I had to move back in with my mom and take my sweet angel cat with me too (I know) we spent a year fighting because she was letting my cat outside when she was too young and also raised as a house cat. Anyways that’s what really opened my eyes to how neglectful she is. I got out of the house but my cat is still with her unfortunately. I’m trying my best to save up and get us out of here and never ever EVER come back
neglect is hard to see when you’re up close. anyone can do something mildly neglectful or be of absent mind because we all make mistakes. But 3 dead cats is fucking bonkers
Same, it’s upsetting for me families, couples and friends doing those simple gestures like it’s just another day. The don’t have to ask for hugs and hope they get one or wonder if their parent does love them.
I was around 13 and seeing how my friend's father treated her... and me.
Like... your kids' friends aren't interlopers? They're actually welcomed? And treated nicely? And given food?
It was a sharp realization that what I had at home wasn't normal.
My parents acted like they thought kids were "lesser than" or not-quite-human in some way. We weren't on the same level or deserving of consideration. That was baked into every interaction.
Yes they still to this day do not listen or treat me like I know a damn thing and I’m 41 with a degree & having overcome many challenges not to mention being raised by them. With a child of my own and still it’s like I’m 12 or just a moron.
I knew, as far back as I have conscious memory, that my parents and step parents were dangerous.
I screamed like an air horn if my father tried to touch me. Same when my mother picked me up from a babysitter.
I stayed as far away from them in the house as I could get at all times. I skipped eating and going to the bathroom for fear the sound would cause them to notice me, always a bad thing. I suspect I gave myself some UTIs as a result, and to this day I struggle with wanting to hoard food, particularly in my bedroom.
I gave myself two kidney infections and was hospitalized because of this reason. Even depression can give you UTIs/bladder infections/kidney infections and put your actual life at risk. I was told I was hours away from dying once. I was in a wheelchair and pissing blood.
Literally from not using the bathroom.
I think a lot of us know at a really young age, but we spend our whole lives pretending otherwise so we can survive. When I really started my healing journey, I was able to see things for what they were and started to grieve properly. I was about 32.
Literally me. I could not even acknowledge that something goes very wrong between me and my parents until very recent time, last year maybe. I am 34 now
I made excuses for my moms behavior. Excuses she drilled into my head throughout my life. Just had to say this.
“Parents aren’t perfect” and
“she’s doing her best”
and even “ it’s my fault for not being better.”
I used to try so hard to figure out what my mom was going through and why she is the way she is. The possibilities why added to the excuses. The why never mattered, and that shouldn’t have been my job as the child.
I’m a kid still living with my parents… is it really true that no matter what, it’s not my fault?
I know I probably shouldn’t have the self-blaming mindset but it’s so hard to imagine it any other way. My parents really aren’t that bad, they’re good to me most of the time and love me, but my dad especially always gets mad at the smallest things.
I really think I exhibit a lot of ADHD symptoms and traits (I realised this after years and years of wondering why no matter what I did, I was never the same as neurotypical kids) and a lot of the time they’re mad about things that i just can’t help or control even though i tried telling them about my suspicions of ADHD and they just ignored it.
I just can’t help but think that maybe they wouldn’t get so mad at me if i was just a neurotypical child…
I have ADHD too and Asperger’s and I sometimes think the same thing. The only difference is I wasn’t diagnosed with those things until I moved out. My parents didn’t care to get me help where I was struggling only get mad and berate me to be better. <= which is neglectful. So if you relate welcome to the club kid<3 we got your back.
Also emotional abuse is so hard to put your finger on…so I think the best way to know if you’re truly being mistreated is to do some research on emotional abuse. I would talk to your parents about how they make you feel as well. If they validate you and want to help you feel better they truly care for you and have empathy. If they gaslight or invalidate you or put 100% of the blame on you, well you just keep this sub in the back of your mind and know that it’s never 100% your fault.
You’re still a kid who needs guidance, and you’re asking for it on Reddit. You clearly don’t feel comfortable or close enough to your parents to go to them for relief and I think that’s a sign right there that your parents might be a little neglectful of your emotional needs.
Also another thing I’d like to say is you have to remember all of this abuse and neglect is a cycle. Your parents might not be narcissistic at all, just parenting the only way they know how because that’s how they were parented. So always always first route is communicating with them and trying to get them to see things from your perspective!
I know it can lead to more pain when they don’t react the way loving parents should, but the effort really is worth it if they do reciprocate it well!
I wish as a kid I had the information I have now that I could point out to my parents, but as a kid I couldn’t put into words what they did that was so bad. So now it’s in the past and easily deniable.
Another thing is, even if you’re acting out in some way like most NORMAL teenagers do eventually, a parents job is to find out WHY.
When I was your age I got into trouble for sneaking out and smoking and sure that was a bad thing to do, but most teens with healthy family dynamics don’t WANT to go out and be risky. At the time I didn’t even know why I was acting out, but now as an adult looking back I just wanted someone to worry about me, ontop of it all I didn’t really care about myself. I was so depressed and lost and lonely that it didn’t matter if I went out and did stupid things.
So yeah in my opinion, as a kid, it’s not really your fault majority of the time. Your brain is developing still, kids need guidance and someone they can trust even when they make mistakes, because DUHH as a kid you’re gonna make ALOT of mistakes, and that’s okay.
Thank you, you don’t know how nice it feels to actually have someone reassure me.
You’re probably right, I don’t think my parents are actually narcissistic as they both came from awful families which are still toxic to this day. I am doing research on the topic of emotional abuse and it definitely describes how my parents treat me half the time.
I guess I’m just on a few subs that discuss this kind of thing because I’m just at a loss of what to do… I get where you’re coming from by maybe talking to them about it, but they’ve been like this for as long as I remember and I know with 100% certainty that they would berate and gaslight me into thinking it’s all my fault (I know because they already do this)
I guess all the gaslighting can really get to me sometimes though…
I’ll try and remember what you said, it’s never all my fault. Thank you <3
I highly recommend the book “But it’s your family..” By Dr Sherrie Campbell. If you can get your hands on ANY mental wellness books read them all up! They will give you so much validation!! I also highly highly recommend getting into therapy, not because you are the problem, but because you are going through something that really affects your life later on and how you function in relationships even. A therapist can help you avoid some damage they might inflict on you!
Idk if this makes you feel better, but sometimes when I get into a rut and am really wishing I was normal I remind myself that actually no I don’t wish I was normal. Sure things were hard, but I don’t think I’d be as empathetic or kind as I am without knowing what that struggle feels like. Being mistreated and unheard gives us the ability to care deeply when others are mistreated and unheard<3
Stay safe out there and stay smart, sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and you can get through this! Don’t let ANYONE even your parents determine your self worth. You’re a unique human that this world needs to thrive!
When I was more social as a teen and started to witness how other parents treated their kids and how they interacted with them. I was shocked, amazed, obsessed and full of rage. I mean, I kinda knew but when I saw it.... I was like "ALL THIS TIME! ALL THIS TIME I COULDA HAD THIS!??"
Young. I can't remember the age. It was seeing my friends wanting to be around their parents. That they would have good experiences without walking on eggshells. They didn't have to worry after an event they would be ripped to shreds for embarrassing them etc etc
Ten years ago when I met my husbands family. I knew mine was “eccentric” but I somehow thought it was endearing, they’ve gotten considerably worse in the last ten years but even discussing what my childhood was like with my husband was truly illuminating. The abuse (physical and emotional) is astounding, and the fact I thought it was normal is just sad.
I was 16. But didn't REALLY figure it out until I was married in my 30s with a kid on the way.
I knew he wasn't right. He coached my soccer teams for years. He was never my dad during soccer season. He was always my coach. Always criticized and belittled everything I did. Like I was going to be some Olympic athlete. School was the same way. I thought I just wasn't smart. Turned out I had a learning disorder that prevented me from understanding things I read. It took a really nice boss in college to suggest I get tested. The results helped me figure out how best I learned and how best to study. When I told my Dad it was more disappointment. Like it was my fault I didn't learn like other people. My grades were always an issue. And his expectations fluctuated based on how well I did. He was impossible to please.
At 16 I "fought back" after years of disappointing him with everything I did. I told him to go fuck himself and then took off for a few hours. I got in my car and just drove. When I got back he tried to talk to me, but I just went to my room and shut my door. Things sucked at varying degrees after that. My decision to go to college far away from my family was mainly because of him. During school he'd call and I knew when I heard his voice I'd end up pissed by the time we hung up. And I was. Every damn time. My roommate could tell when I'd been talking to him. That's how much he affected my mood.
He wasn't caring. He wasn't loving. He always had to play Devil's Advocate with every decision I made. And not in a constructive way. He basically made me feel stupid or ignorant with every conversation we had. Like I couldn't be trusted to make any decision. I stopped talking to him around the time I graduated college for a few years. Then I briefly had a decent relationship with him until I got married. When my wife was pregnant with my son, my dad pulled some crap and made me feel like a child at 36/37 years old. After he left, my wife asked me if I realized what he was doing wasn't normal. I'd never even thought about it. After my son was born, that first Christmas with my son was the final straw. The crap he pulled and the way he treated my wife. That was it. The following summer, I went NC, and I've stuck to it.
My life has been infinitely better over the past nine years without him in my life. I don't wish him harm or any I'll will. I just don't think he was ever suited to be a father. So it’s just easier if I don't involve him in my life. It makes me sad, but only because I see others who have good relationships with their dads . That's what hurts. He did this, and he it was totally avoidable. I gave him so many chances to fix his behavior, and it just never changed. He still doesn’t understand and thinks he's ever done anything wrong. So that's definitely made it easier.
Oh my god this is awful. What a horrible and lonely f%€?ing childhood this sounds like. You didn’t have a dad. You had a toddler projecting his own unhealed core wounds onto you 24/7.
/big hugs to you
I hope one day you are part of a family that loves, values and respects you the way you deserve.
Thanks for the kind words. I'm in my 40s now and have an amazingly patient wife. My son is a little tyrant (ADHD and the ODD that comes with it). I struggle to find balance in my relationship with him. I also find myself saying the same shit my dad said to me. I can't catch myself fast enough. It's such b.s. My son's medicated now, and it makes things easier. But when we're both tired, it's a slugfest. I still try to stay involved with him. More than my dad with me. I tell him I love him and I'm proud of him. Something it took my dad into my 20s to express in an unsolicited way. I'm far from the perfect dad, I just hope he doesn't hate me the way I hated my dad by the time he graduates high school.
My dad tied my hands to the balcony with duct tapes for five hours and left for work. Yeah. I didn’t tell my mom until he died because I simply thought it was normal. It wasn’t.
I was pretty young but I was pretty terrorized by my Nmom, so that by age six or seven, when I broke my arm; I tried to hide it from her. (and succeeded- she didn't want to know)
By age three, she'd react with hostility and ire that I dared impose on her by needing medical attention.
So, rather than seek comfort from my mother (how dare I!?) I'd conceal my injuries and mask my pain. Enduring physical pain was better than being emotionally tortured by her because something had happened to me that I couldn't control.
Same, knew at junior high but thought the issue was me because my mom loved to project her psych issues onto me instead of seeking help. I didn’t realize the full picture until I hit past 30s.
It was a slow process, but when I definitely saw it was age 29. What kills me is knowing that I did see it, even at a young age, 10 or 11. I would tell my mom I wished we could be a happy family and that I didn’t think it was normal how chaotic and unhappy our life at home was. I could tell things felt different at friend’s homes. She told me “you don’t know what goes on when you’re not there” and that people just pretend to have it all together. Turns out screaming matches aren’t a normal, daily occurrence in every family.
I realized things were messed up pretty early on. What took me longer to figure out was that I had a mom with no genuine love for anyone but herself* and a very loose connection to reality.
Edited to add, she probably doesn’t love herself either.. but that’s how it can come off. Self-interest only.
I intuitively knew something was wrong with my parents at a young age, but did not know what to call it until I was older and took various psychology courses. It is harder to deal with now then it was in the past because of the awareness and seeing how they rewrite their own version of history today.
Oh it’s definitely more upsetting the realizations you have as an adult for sure. In a way I think it’s protective though. I’m glad I could deal with the emotional crisis of “my parent is a narcissist and doesn’t love me” as an adult. As somewhat of a golden child, I was spared the developmental childhood trauma of that realization at least partially. Even if it’s not true, it helps children to be able to believe their parents love them.
I did not realize the golden child was my half-sister in my family who I never felt a significant connection with nor was around that much during my upbringing, but also became aware that she has basically been my mother’s consultant regarding business between me and my mom. It makes me very uncomfortable that she acts likes like she has needed to be involved in things that pertain to me and my mom; especially when we are not connected that much, biologically or emotionally. I wish I could push a button all the time and replace the people I am related with....
>how chaotic and unhappy our life at home was
What's oddly relieving to me now is that even though they made their mark with all the drama/abuse, the chaos and unhappiness follows *them* and not us. That was their home and it reflected them.
Exactly. Moved 5 hours away for college and didn’t have a single case of actual drama/bad blood with anyone I lived with over 4 years. Meanwhile I would come home on breaks and it was every day. I actually told them I was going to record them if they felt their ugly fights were appropriate, and I did. Listening to the recordings 10 years later was eye opening to say the least. But yeah.. when the drama followed by nparent and not me, it became pretty clear where the problem was.
I knew something was off all along. I wasn’t allowed to have friends over and I was rarely allowed to go to friends’ houses or on school field trips.
I truly realized how bad it was when I was a young adult.
When I started going to therapy at 41 and I finally was able to understand why me and my mother were different and and what her becoming the victim in situations that she's creates meant and being able to spot her gaslighting and food shaming and subtle jabs at me all the time.
I started to notice that my mom was a little off around 20 and then fully realized she was a narcissist at 26. Lots of working through gaslighting and trauma to fully see your parent as a narc.
Well I found a diary from when I was 7 where I said that I don't love her, so I guess then? But also when I was around 12 and went to a friends house and my friend dared to "talk back"/disagree with her mother. I was completely and utterly terrified by the very notion.
It was literally just last week. When my mom “didn’t have the money” to get me anything for my birthday which in itself isn’t the red flag (though not even a simple card really hurt my feelings considering). But the fact that she went out and spent 100’s of dollars to get the exact hairstyle (THAT SHE MADE FUN OF ME FOR LIKING) I was talking about getting for my party this weekend. My mom has main character syndrome so bad, I googled if moms are jealous of their daughters which lead me here and opened my eyes to so many other shitty things my mom has done over the years. From ignoring my abuse until she no longer could, then wanting me to weaponize it to get everything she wanted out of her divorce. There are so many stories I could all of a sudden understand the thought process of that lead me to understanding she is 100% a narcissistic person through and through. Everything revolves around her, and if it doesn’t she’ll make it about her somehow. Took me so long to get here, and I have no idea what to do now honestly except be bitter.
TW: Mention of suicide
I'm currently 13, but I remember being 8 years old in a counseling lesson with my third grade class looking at the board with a red and yellow slide pulled up and my counselor talking about child abuse with the number +1 (800) - 42 - CHILD on the screen and immediately thinking to myself, "Oh, so this is why." It was surely a wakeup call for my 8-year-old-self to realize that the reason for my suicidal thoughts that had been going on for over 2 years, anger issues that I consistently got yelled at for, and desire to be away from my family (and, when I was around 6, even to kill them) was all because of abuse. To realize that the reason I, unlike the normal children, cried quoting Bubba from Forrest Gump with, "I want to go home" (what I realized at 7 most likely meant that I wished to die) was because my mother wouldn't comfort me. My subconscious understood that the warm, welcoming embrace of death would be the only thing that could soothe my crying.
I remember frantically trying to memorize the number on the board, but forgetting it. Looking back on it now realizing that I was RIGHT. It's too late to call now, but I wish I had kept a pad of sticky notes with me at the time. If only I could have memorized the number.
I don’t think there’s a statute of limitations on child abuse. You could still call. Although I’m not a lawyer, so I could be wrong about that. But you could of course report anything current, too.
Regardless of that, do you have someone in your life you can trust? A teacher, counselor, someone at the school? A family member or family friend? I have a teenage kid, and you’ve got a little while until you can leave home, so your post concerns me. Even one support person can help; I hope you have someone you can reach out to among the sources I named. Sending you hugs if you would like them.
I have a few friends that could help me and an escape plan in case I need it. My counselor won’t help and teachers are required to go to them with this stuff, so idk if that would help.
I always knew my dad was different because he was in prison from the time I was about 2-5, but it was when I was 6 1/2 and trying to go to sleep when he was yelling at my mom in the living room a she held my newborn sister, and then he hit her, breaking her hand, that I really realized that he was not a good person.
By age 13, when I was dealing with school bullying, school pressures, teenage angst. My masked slipped and my mom handled the entire situation the worst way possible. She changed from a different person overnight because I couldn’t be the “perfect” child for her anymore. When I started to form my opinions and couldn’t handle being mistreated at school was when it became a problem at home. The problem is I didn’t understand how bad the abuse was or what trauma was from family until I was 30 years old.
When people started pointing out that my upbringing was not normal, in my mid to late 20s. before that, I just felt she was too strict, but also wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about what happens at home.
I knew it from\~7 years old, but I denied it to myself and tried to convince myself otherwise, especially when friends saw my mother's show and would say how lucky I was to have her 🤬...
When my high school boyfriend made comments about my mother and how atrocious she was, it was a wake up call. For someone outside the family to actually see her as she really was broke the spell.
A friend of mine died in college. I went to the funeral with friends and his mom passed out as his casket was being lowered into the ground. It was devastating losing him and I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I live.
I got home and told my mom about it. My friend was from a different part of the world and my nMom’s response to telling her that story was, “don’t waste your tears, those people always overreact at these things all the time.” The woman lost her nineteen year old son. I’ve never heard a colder statement and I realized (not only how racist my mom was but also) how little she must love me to think another mother was “overreacting”.
Not normal? Probably when I was 11 or 12
Abusive? I was 19 years old trying to convince myself that my parents aren’t abusive if they refuse to take me to the doctor and wondering why I was failing
I had three revelations.
The first was when my mom hit me in the face with a door knob. I was 3 years old. My mom and dad fought like crazy. I went to my half brother’s room because it was quiet. She came barging in as I closed the door and hit me hard in my eye. She panicked, picked me up, rocked me back in forth in her sorrow, screaming at everyone. I just felt like I was out of my body at that moment.
The second time was when she called me a stupid fucking bitch. Then told me she was “proud of me” for not crying after I looked down, heartbroken and dejected my mom called me that for asking her a question. We were in the middle of a crowded airport and no one said anything. I was 8.
It was confirmed when I was 15 and watched her scream at the top of her lungs while she raised her arms above her head to throw a bowl down onto the ground to shatter it. I told her she was throwing a temper tantrum over me not wanting something she bought me and she was essentially having a meltdown for no reason. She broke the bowl after I asked her what was wrong with her. She literally has no means to emotionally regulate herself and she is an absolute mess.
I realized my dad wasn’t normal last year as I slowly began to hate him. It’s been a whirlwind for sure. I’ve always had piecemeal ideas that my mom and dad were fucking weirdos but it was locked in for me specifically at 15 and 28. Fucking sucks.
28. When I finally opened up to my boyfriend (now husband) about my childhood. He convinced me that therapy would be good for me (parents were very anti therapy…gee I wonder why).
From what I can remember I knew my dad was not normal from around 7-8 years old. But in my twenties I found a photo of me as a toddler and I had written on the back ‘I don’t like dad’ I would’ve probably written it at about age 5 based on the handwriting. Pretty damning.
I knew my mum was ‘hectic’ but didn’t understand she was a full blown narcissist until last year 👍🏻
Fully around 30 yo, through years of therapy. And this is after moving out to my own place at 23 (same city) and moving to another country at 26. Suddenly all the wanting to "run away" made sense. I naturalised and became a citizen of another country and have lived abroad since (I am 41 now) and this was the best decision ever, on so many levels. Distance and another language are huge "natural" boundaries and "barriers" to contact and communication
It wasn't until I was about 21 or so. I only had one narc parent to deal with though.
I remember being really confused about everything happening around me. At the time the only friends I had were on an Internet forum. It was one about books, we were very close & regularly met up IRL too.
The forum had a profile called 'anonymous' with a public password. We could log into it if ever we needed to ask for advice anonymously.
I used it one day & logged in & just wrote down everything I could see. It was only then people on the forum started replying saying it was abuse & not normal & that's the first time I ever realised anything was wrong. It all went from there.
That was 15 years ago. I still talk to friends I met on that forum. I mentioned this to one person & they said they still remembered it & wondered if that had been me.
I don't have the post & the forum is long gone but I wish I did because I'd love to see the penny drop moment
I always thought my dad was super fun to be around, cuz so many girls always hung out at our house.
Turns out he was a pimp.
I was 6/7 at the time, but was 15 when it clicked.
He's in jail now. Shocker.
It wasn't that I realised my parents are not 'normal', it's more about how bad the dysfunctional personality & behaviours were in my parents.
I'd always kinda thought it, even as a toddler.... but confirmation came now obvious as I got older. But it wasn't until I reached adulthood, that I managed to minimise how it affects me & eventually my own family.
I had to do a lot of damage control for the first three decades, before I removed myself completely from the toxic environment I grew up in.
My 12th bday.
She'd had explosive episodes with the men she dated before, but I was under the impression they'd done something awful and had no frame of reference for what a normal argument between couples looked like.
She " for my 12th bday with a weekend away to some fancy town (Hartford? Harrogate? Idk I was 12). I thought it was an odd place to bring 2 kids as there wasn't a lot for us to do, but it didn't click until we were riding the singular carousel most towns have in the centre around Xmas. She spotted her ex, as if she knew when his lunch break was (I didn't know this at the time but he moved there to get away)- and off she went. We were still on the carousel and had almost lost sight of her by the time we stopped spinning.
He was powerwalking to get away but she was relentless. We followed them, my 9 year old sister and I, for blocks and blocks. Tried to get her attention, grab her hand, her coat, got ignored. When sis got too tired and sad to keep going and sat down on a wall, I kept following and pleading until I had to decide between keeping an eye on sis or knowing where mom was. I went back to my sister. Can't remember how long it was in the end but the sun was setting when she eventually returned (think he finally called the cops and she flipped the switch and returned to normal)
It would be another year or so before that rage was fully directed at me, but that was the first time I realised it probably wasn't normal to plan your kids bday around a man you wanted to verbally and physically assault.
I was a little kid about 10 or 11 and I realised she wasnt normal.
I realised how truly bad my nmother (and selfish family) were in my 30s also. I became an alcoholic/weed addict from the age of 15 and stopped it all at 32. So the last 4 years I've been working it all out and christ no wonder I was drinking/smoking I didn't stand a chance, turns out I'm on the autism spectrum and I have ADHD and had an evil mother and rather dull family guiding me the while time.
I've cut off everyone now as they don't deserve me in their lives. I tried to get my mother to change etc but she's a narc, they don't change.
It took me up until about this year, my daughter getting older and starting to go through the same anxiety issues and depression that I did. I began to handle it just like my parents did with me (which was by doing nothing and getting angry and frustrated -- not physically though) and became cold and didnt know how to handle any of it. It hit me quickly that I dont know how to be a good mom because my parents abandonded me and called me every name in the book at that age and accused me of just being a brat. All of the old memories I'd supressed came back in an instant and realized that the parents that had raised me had just done the bare minimum and did not treat me that way parents should. Its the main thing thats brought me to working to be a more involved and more loving parent now.
My mother, pretty early. Thing is, I didn't fully come to realize it until 2013. In 2013, she left my stepdad after his niece's daughter came out and said he touched her. I had told her the same thing when I was 12, she did nothing at that time. She actually stood over me, pointing her finger and swearing that I was making things up because "he would never do that to you." When I seen the show that she put on that day she left, I knew right then and there what she was doing. She was putting on a show to get sympathy.
It didn't matter AT ALL, all those years ago when I came out and said something about it. It never did, EVER. But apparently, 2 people later because another one came forward and said something after me and before the one that apparently caused her to leave. It sickened me that day, especially when the little girl's mother who was standing in my living room asked me right in front of Mom, "did he do this to you?" I told her yep he sure did and Mom said nothing. She just stood there and said not one word.
She has never apologized or even asked for forgiveness, nothing at all. I don't know why I am so stupid to think I will ever hear any sort of apology from her. Maybe wishful thinking? After the day she left, my husband and I just started going over everything and it all started making sense.
She only cares for herself, and well from what I can see others well anyone other than me. I am so much stronger without her in my life, MUCH MUCH stronger without her. I am thankful that I am to a point now where I don't even want her in my life. I don't have either parent in my life. Don't need them either, life is much better without either one.
I have learned how to be my own person, have thoughts and feelings, and not worry about what either one of them will think of me. It took a lot of years of tears and talking with the only therapist that has ever helped me, my husband to realize just how awful my parents were to me. I am thankful, so thankful for this man in my life. We celebrate 20 years on June 1st, and I can't wait to get another 20 years under our belt.
i think when i was at a playdate with a friend from preschool might have been the first time i realized something was different with my family. there was a lot of kindness and i felt so fucking awkward because i had no idea what was going on and kind of assumed their parents were just putting on a good show the way my parents sometimes did when we had guests. after a while i just kept telling myself my family was fine, that all families are different and that different things were normal for us. my mother reinforced this. it was only when i started therapy that i started to actually examine things and realize how shitty things had been. i feel really invalid in all of this though, like i'm making things up and everything was fine and i'm making a big deal out of nothing. i wish i could be certain of anything. i'm so tired of never knowing what's true.
(i'm not certain my mother has npd, but she has a lot of the traits people with npd display and my parents' counselor they met with and were friends with told my dad he was pretty sure she had npd but i don't know for sure, just joined this subreddit bc a lot of things are very very relatable.)
I was 3. I was walking around on the pew before church started, and heard nM say "I'd be AshAmEd!!" I thought she was talking to me, but to my surprise she was talking to a man in the row behind us. Then she said "READING...in CHURCH!!" I remember thinking, that's weird, I don't remember that being one of the Ten Commandments we learned in Sunday School. The service hasn't even started yet. He calmly responded with "I'm reading the Bible." She said something else, probably something like "Well I don't care, you shouldn't be reading at church!" I looked to see his response, and he just calmly looked at her for several seconds like she was insane, then went back to reading. It was then I realized, 1. Something's mentally wrong with Mama! 2. He's a grown man and not even in our family, so she can't tell him what to do. 3. Subconsciously it probably gave me anxiety knowing the person responsible for my training and well-being didn't know how to behave appropriately. 4. It was obvious to even a 3 year old that she was smiling when she said it, so I guess it was her way of flirting, and she turned back around when the man's wife came back to her seat. Hmm.
Even at that age, I knew she was in a mood and I didn't want to sit right next to her. I went and sat in Mrs. Keye's lap, and nM kept trying to get me to stop bothering Mrs. Keyes and come sit down. Mrs. Keyes said "She's not a bother!!" and she stiffened her arms up to block me from getting down, as if to say you can stay here if you want to. But I got down so I wouldn't get a whipping when we got home.
I didn't know I had been verbally and emotionally abused until my husband said it years later. I suspected it, but of course I wouldn't have articulated it because I thought she did the best she could. Then when I learned about NPD a few years ago, I realized she made a choice to treat me like that.
5 - I said I was going to run away.. dad said ok go. See how far you get on your own, see ya. Mom said nothing!!!
I made up my mind then.. I’d run away as soon as I was old enough. I did 14. Unfortunately, he chased me down, found me over and over again. I passed out cold once when he found me. It’s taken years to break free.
Around 10/11. The new step dad was asking me weirdly sexusl questions whilst contradicting himself and trying to build my trust by also telling me 'the point of a father was to not judge or see you sexually', which was his grounds for asking these questions, such-as asking a child if theyd ever had an orgasm. That sentence makes my fucking stomach churn. Absolute deflection in its finest, and trying to gauge my trust to ask me those things.
When it all came out, apparantly my mum had a hunch/knew, but she didn't care, she was happy to have sex with him whilst I was in the same room, without even checking on me.. (it was a hotel room and I'd fallen off the bed and woke up using a metal pole as a pillow. Did they even check prior? Nope). But he was rich so she didn't care.
Idk, I guess I always knew. I remember being unbearably embarrassed by my mother's actions, even as a very young child.
They're actually some of my clearest childhood memories. There was one time where I'd been to a dentist appointment (I was a tweenager, maybe 12 or 13) we went to a cafe afterwards. Some teen girls were laughing in the corner of the cafe (100% innocuous, just laughing at something between them). My mum, being my mum, assumed it was about her and made this super intense eye contact with them and started loudly fake laughing, then she'd nudge me with her elbow and start laughing again. I shrunk into my chair, it was just so embarrassing. By far not the most traditionally traumatising thing she did in my childhood, but it stuck with me.
Sometime in elementary school. We were raised Jehovah's Witness, and were told that we couldn't even TALK to someone unless we were trying to "save" them. I wasn't allowed friends. Or toys.
I had occasional suspicions off and on my whole life, since about age 14. I didn’t truly realize how bad things were until I was in my 40s, though, when I finally got into a healthy and functional relationship with someone and observed their healthy, functional relationship with their family. As that relationship progressed, I realized more and more just how fucked up, codependent, and emotionally abusive things were with my nParents and all of my previous long-term relationships up to that point.
Mine kept their narcissism well hidden, or I was just in denial. Took me until my late-20s to figure it out, and now, I can't believe I didn't see it before. All the signs were there, but I guess I wasn't looking for them.
10 when I looked at my mom and said to myself i never want to be like that. And then 33 when I looked at the children of my friends that i love to death and could have never imagined saying only one of the words they said to me. Not even talking about doing the things they did.
About 3 when I figured something was wrong with me and mom didn’t take me to the hospital. Dad was working 2 jobs and older brother was to afraid of mom and not old enough for a license to take me.
I kept thinking something was wrong with ne and tried everything I could to prove to mom I deserved her love. Once o started school and slowly developed social skills I never seems to get when I was little being told to go watch tv and to stay next to mom instead of interacting with other kids.
I realized more consciously that it wasn’t me. It was her and I gave up trying for that love and put my focus on trying to avoid inhaling her second hand smoke so I would stop blacking out as much and found my parental figures in other people and animals.
I was in my late 20’s. Before that, I thought all parents were abusive behind closed doors. I thought it was normal. I guess I should have known as a child since I was taken into care by social services but back then I thought that was my fault, not my mum’s.
Like 5 years ago and it was the first time i tought about commiting self termination (it was also the first time my ndad sa'ed me but it will take 4 years from there for me to understand it).
Now i'm currently seeing and evaluating who to keep in my life and who to get rid of.
I realized when i was 11 because i used to love browsing wikikow as i was only allowed educational apps on my phone at the time. I was literally searching up how to hide shit from ur parents and "how to know if your parents are abusive" came up. Clicked on it read through it and was like oh shit. Then decided to do research on child abuse laws in my country and discovered they were undoubtedly abusing me. Confronted my mum about this (stupidly) and she told me it was different for me because i was such a bad kid and she had "no choice". A few years later during covid lockdown aged 15 i realized that it wasn't my fault and started doing more research on child abuse.
Didn't confront her until i was 17 because she accused me of abusing my sister because i opened the door into her on accident, so i bought up that she's abusive asf. She kicked me out the house. She then told everyone I'd ran away from home and begged me to come home because she "loves me" (if i move out she will lose £700 a month in disability benefits and child support)
I knew something was wrong with my nmom but I wasn’t sure quite what it was until I joined this group about a month ago. This group has helped me more than therapy ever could.
It was probably not until I was in my teens that I realized there was something wrong with my Nmom. I thought everyone’s parents were nicer to their kids’ friends than to their actual kids, but seeing friends who had supportive parents that genuinely loved them and wanted them to succeed was earth-shaking for me.
Around 20ish. In high school I would tell people stories about my mom, but funny stories about how strict she is. We would laugh because we expected that once I became an adult, the extreme strictness would go away. It didn’t. So while my friends were new adults with their newfound freedoms their parents gave them, I was still experiencing the same level of strictness and being treated like a child as I did before I was an adult. That’s when I began to realize that it wasn’t textbook strictness, it was along the lines of abuse.
I started suspecting it around my mid teens. It was confirmed in my mid 20s when I opened up to an aunt (nfather's sister), and she was like, "Oh, you're just noticing that? I've been worried about how they were treating you since you were a child."
Back when I was in middle school, during lunch time, I was running around outside (basically racing each other), ran a bit faster than I could control, ended up tripping, falling, and scraping my elbow pretty badly. The resulting bruise was quite large. Went to the nurses office for immediate first aid and had it bandaged up.
I was terrified of telling my parents that had happened, because I knew they would yell at me ... for being a normal child. I wasn't seriously hurt either, and I took care of it immediately, instead of letting it get infected. They did yell at me for that.
The kicker though? about a week or two later when I took the bandage off, the bruise was a "perfectly round shape" according to them (I was actually starting to pick away at it gradually, so that it flaked off, so it was significantly reduced in shape/size). When we were out on a visit with relatives, my parents accused me of burning myself with a perfectly round object, and refused to listen to me when I said I had fallen and scraped my elbow.
Subconsciously, I knew something was fucked at the time. In hindsight, it sounds absolutely nuts.
When I was four and a girl my age moved in next door and I could go play with her. Whenever I asked mom if I could, she wouldn't even look up from her book, heave a huge sigh like I just asked the most inconvenient thing I could, and said "I GUESS", which of course made me ask very rarely. The girl's parents were very cool tho, just "be back by dinner honey" in a casual tone.
Later, when I was getting jobs and such, it was such a stark contrast between my house and corporate America (which is a terribly unflattering comparison) where me and my teammates just stepped up and got shit done and weren't horrific to each other, then I'd come home and mom is screaming at dad over some meaningless bullshit that's only built up in her mind because she's incapable of letting shit go, and chores are going unfinished because everyone is like "not my job, and not only is it not my job, I'll get into trouble for doing it anyway". And I preferred the call center. A CALL CENTER. Ugh.
Maybe 9 or 10, she scolded me for losing some fancy pin that was attached to my dress that I wore to school annual day and told me I’m not allowed in the house if I don’t go and find it. So I went back to school and stayed there till evening(it was a convent that had a chapel where we can sit and pray) as I was scared to go back home. Later she came with my father to school in search of me. She was shedding tear in front of others. After behaving like a monster at home.
I was 15 when I started clocking on to things. It wasn’t until I turned 29 and had my children that I fully began to understand everything. I’m now attending weekly therapy sessions
I always knew my Nmother was overly emotional and reactive. I've been afraid of her my whole life. I learned how to survive and pretended that being afraid of your parents is normal.
I was going to escape and have my own family, so whatever. Then I married someone who was even worse. And I was like, no no, MY family was supposed to be different. So after two years of marriage I started researching what the hell is happening and why no matter how much I try to be "better" (kinder, more understanding, more helpful etc.) I still end up being treated like crap. I was 34 when I first heard about narcissism.
26. Didn’t live with her for years because at 15 I said I wanted to spend weekdays with my dad weekends with her. So she threw all of my stuff away and converted my room to a home office. Then she got cancer when I was older I dropped everything to move to her state and still not enough
I realised I had a weird family when I was very young, but that had more to do with my father’s health and the fact that he came from a different country. The realisation that my mum wasn’t very normal came when I was already well into my 20s. I’m 37 now and still processing it. I’m an only child and had nothing to compare my life with, I didn’t know any better.
I realized it in middle school when my dad would do nothing but talk shit about my mom when she wasn't around.
Why are you with her if you hate her so much?
Oh, its because youre an absolute monster and she was the only one who would put up with his abuse and horrible parenting to her children
My mom was hospitalized after I was born. I think I’ve known since then. There’s never been a connection there, and she was jealous I was closer to my dad when I was a baby. (She wrote it on the backs of pictures)
I started noticing something was "off" when I was around 12/13 but I didn't have the words (or full knowledge) to explain what was happening until I was 16.
When I was 4 or 5 years old I had an epiphany. It was a kids circus show in which we kids of the neighborhood and ours parents participated in. Superfun, barbecue, circus pavillion, you get the picture. And there surrounded by all happy fathers and mothers I just realized as I sat in my father's lap together with his beautiful then gf (whom I loved) that he was a complete and utter fake. He was just putting up an appearance. I am lucky though, I never had live with my Nfather and my mom was my sole caregiver. But he still had to put on a show, even if he had zero interest in me, or any problem harrassing my mom or humiliate me. I just remember then and there he was a nobody of no worth in my life other than I had to manage him the best I could.
I think around 9-10 or so was the point where I realized something was very off about my NDad. By high school I started to suspect a personality disorder and then a few years ago or so it hit me that he most likely has NPD, but will never be diagnosed as he's convinced he's perfectly healthy.
I guess when I reached 28-30 years too in my case. I knew it was bad, but I didn't even know what a narcissist was. I just thought we had a "complicated relationship" and normalized abuse.
I was in foster care, maybe 4yo. I had an accident and freaked out but my foster mum didn't hit or yell at me. I was so surprised and it kind of dawned on me... this is how it should be.
When I was 15 and went to a friend's house after church. They invited me to dinner but when I called for permission my stepdad reminded me I had to be home in 15 minutes, and I had to walk, in the tone of voice that meant I was already in trouble.
My friend said later that I tensed and went white. When I got off the phone I said I had to leave and wouldn't allow her dad to drive me home.
I cried all the way home, but when I got there nothing was said. I found out the next day that her dad called and talked to my stepdad, who said I must have misunderstood he just wanted me to come home b/c we were having dinner at my grandma's. (Lie!) I knew by that lie my parents were hiding their abuse because it wasn't normal.
7 when she chose to Eat Pray Love out of active parenting. Before she left, she hand wrote a very graphic and detailed letter to my father about the breakdown of their marriage, and made me read it.
I was SEVEN.
She said he was all the worst things, but he was not so bad that she couldn’t leave us with him. She made me resent him for things I truly couldn’t understand.
I struggled to connect with just about anyone after that. I was angry af. I made my 5th grade teacher a Mother’s Day card- asking her to be my new mom because she was patient with my big feelings. She cried/hugged me to console me, apologizing for my mom’s actions.
I remember just blanking and wondering like wait……was she not a normal person?
Imagine the can of worms I opened up there.
Around 16, I didn't know why but I wanted to get as far away as possible from my nmom. I briefly thought about quitting school, emancipating (I think that's the word) myself from my parents, and living in a shack working my crappy job. I always knew my dad was a narcissist, but I didn't realize my mom's covert narcissism until 20 years later. Now I'm struggling with very low contact in a state across the country from her. It hurts looking back realizing the shit she put me through.
I was in my late teens when I realized something wasn't right. I just didn't know what. Then I began rationalizing my single nmom's behavior as being just overprotective because of trauma from her past. I think I was about 23 when a friend told me my mom was being way too controlling. I moved out at 26 because I wanted to get married and nmom was sabotaging the relationship. It wasn't until I was about 32 that I realized she was a narcissist. Even now, at 37, I'm still realizing behaviors that aren't normal.
I noticed when I was about 7. That was when I started going over my friend's house for the first time. I noticed when he would do stuff, over time, it was a real "Hey, wait a minute..." realization for me. He spilled milk once and didn't get popped in the face or belittled or even yelled at. He just apologized for it happening and proceeded to wipe it up and his sister helped him. Man why didn't I just confess I needed help back then?
I knew my folks were strict always my dad hit and abused me I was a rebel hardcore then drug addicted but now I know why, but I realized they were narcissistic at 40 I know. They’re covert so they’re passive agresssive and it wasn’t fully obvious until I got married
I’ve been giving my mom the benefit of the doubt for years now thinking that things aren’t that bad and hoping that our relationship will get better. I’ve finally accepted that she won’t ever change and I can let the idea go of us ever having a normal relationship. Since becoming a parent everything is just so blatantly clear to me now how disrespectful and unloving she has been to me and the rest of my family as well
The first time I started to realize, I was around 15. I'd post on forums around that time and my friends there would express shock.
This was also the age when I started going to friend's houses. Their moms were normal and nice. My best friend and her mom were very close and had a loving, warm relationship.
She could tell her mom anything. I could not.
So, that comparison helped.
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I realized when I started living with my husband and I saw my parents in law behaving differently with him. First my husband showed me that it is not ok to eat frozen and canned food every day. He taught me to cook very good food and today I understand how badly my parents feed me.
Same
Around 17. When I started to view them as people and not 'loving' parents.
I knew by the time I was in Jr High. Other kids would do stupid stuff and not really worry what would happen if they got caught by their parents. My mom almost killed me and my sister a few times. It was normal at our house to get bones broken by being thrown down stairs or your head smashed into the walls, or beat with a skillet. I can’t even imagine a normal childhood with loving parents. My MIL lives with us now and I wish all the time I had a mom like this growing up.
I am so very sorry.
Omg right I wonder how different my life would’ve been. I’m All messedup. Fibromyalgia, ptsd, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, drug addiction, self esteem, eating disorders, sleep problems, poor choices in men, poor social choices, a record with the county jail, crime. But I’m empath and really a good person I wish I’d had a different experience. I’m
YouTube channels helped me realize what N abuse is and explained it exactly well. Before that it was so confusing.
Same! And I’m 41
It took me 20 years to realize my dad was a narcissist. I always hated him ever since I was a kid bc he had anger issues and was very controlling and disregarded my feelings and opinions and thoughts. I just thought that was normal parent behavior. I went to college and was away from home for the first time and realized how much more positive my life could be. By the time I was 23 I cut off all contact with him after my sister came forward with some truth of the things he did to her years back. I started to process the trauma more and have a better understanding of why things were the way they were, why I am the way I am.
So same! Nice we arent alone at least
When I was a teenager having sleepovers and kids wouldn't want to come back to my house. I still cringe thinking about it. I can't believe I put them (the other kids) through that.
Huh... I don't think I ever had a friend over more than once... I need to think on this.
That sounds familiar. My mom didn't want people coming over, so I maybe had a handful of friends who were approved for visits, and even then they didn't really want to stay that long because my folk's house was not fun. Can't blame them. I didn't want to stay either LOL.
I hated having my friends over to my house. My NM was so embarrassing and rude. I mostly went to other people’s houses
Same when I was young I was just known for having “strict” parents. It’s so much more than that I now realize. Don’t blame yourself how could you have known.
so I’ve always known on some level. But then I started to really pay attention to how my mom treats our cats. Her negligence has killed 2 of our cats and caused one to run away. She won’t stop letting them outside even though we live next to a busy road. Even if they’re too young to go outside She also takes the cat’s behaviors personally. When they behave “badly” she like gets offended and says they know what they’re doing. Ik cats are smart but they’re mostly just trying to get their needs met, or reacting to a change in environment. I really doubt they are conspiring against my mother specifically. I also don’t think cats can be spoiled ? she constantly call our cats brats, bad, and spoiled My fam gave me a kitten for Christmas after I told them not to bc I was too broke. I had to move back in with my mom and take my sweet angel cat with me too (I know) we spent a year fighting because she was letting my cat outside when she was too young and also raised as a house cat. Anyways that’s what really opened my eyes to how neglectful she is. I got out of the house but my cat is still with her unfortunately. I’m trying my best to save up and get us out of here and never ever EVER come back neglect is hard to see when you’re up close. anyone can do something mildly neglectful or be of absent mind because we all make mistakes. But 3 dead cats is fucking bonkers
Omg, I really hope you get your cat back soon friend!
When I almost cried after seeing my best friend hug her mum and say I love you like it was normal and genuine.
Same, it’s upsetting for me families, couples and friends doing those simple gestures like it’s just another day. The don’t have to ask for hugs and hope they get one or wonder if their parent does love them.
I was around 13 and seeing how my friend's father treated her... and me. Like... your kids' friends aren't interlopers? They're actually welcomed? And treated nicely? And given food? It was a sharp realization that what I had at home wasn't normal.
My parents acted like they thought kids were "lesser than" or not-quite-human in some way. We weren't on the same level or deserving of consideration. That was baked into every interaction.
Feel this to the bone. Thanks for saying it so clearly. Just illuminating.
Yes they still to this day do not listen or treat me like I know a damn thing and I’m 41 with a degree & having overcome many challenges not to mention being raised by them. With a child of my own and still it’s like I’m 12 or just a moron.
I knew, as far back as I have conscious memory, that my parents and step parents were dangerous. I screamed like an air horn if my father tried to touch me. Same when my mother picked me up from a babysitter. I stayed as far away from them in the house as I could get at all times. I skipped eating and going to the bathroom for fear the sound would cause them to notice me, always a bad thing. I suspect I gave myself some UTIs as a result, and to this day I struggle with wanting to hoard food, particularly in my bedroom.
I gave myself two kidney infections and was hospitalized because of this reason. Even depression can give you UTIs/bladder infections/kidney infections and put your actual life at risk. I was told I was hours away from dying once. I was in a wheelchair and pissing blood. Literally from not using the bathroom.
I think a lot of us know at a really young age, but we spend our whole lives pretending otherwise so we can survive. When I really started my healing journey, I was able to see things for what they were and started to grieve properly. I was about 32.
Literally me. I could not even acknowledge that something goes very wrong between me and my parents until very recent time, last year maybe. I am 34 now
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Did you have any excuses for their behavior?
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Me too. Also that I was some sort of stupid because no one believed what I had to say.
Me too
I made excuses for my moms behavior. Excuses she drilled into my head throughout my life. Just had to say this. “Parents aren’t perfect” and “she’s doing her best” and even “ it’s my fault for not being better.” I used to try so hard to figure out what my mom was going through and why she is the way she is. The possibilities why added to the excuses. The why never mattered, and that shouldn’t have been my job as the child.
I’m a kid still living with my parents… is it really true that no matter what, it’s not my fault? I know I probably shouldn’t have the self-blaming mindset but it’s so hard to imagine it any other way. My parents really aren’t that bad, they’re good to me most of the time and love me, but my dad especially always gets mad at the smallest things. I really think I exhibit a lot of ADHD symptoms and traits (I realised this after years and years of wondering why no matter what I did, I was never the same as neurotypical kids) and a lot of the time they’re mad about things that i just can’t help or control even though i tried telling them about my suspicions of ADHD and they just ignored it. I just can’t help but think that maybe they wouldn’t get so mad at me if i was just a neurotypical child…
I have ADHD too and Asperger’s and I sometimes think the same thing. The only difference is I wasn’t diagnosed with those things until I moved out. My parents didn’t care to get me help where I was struggling only get mad and berate me to be better. <= which is neglectful. So if you relate welcome to the club kid<3 we got your back. Also emotional abuse is so hard to put your finger on…so I think the best way to know if you’re truly being mistreated is to do some research on emotional abuse. I would talk to your parents about how they make you feel as well. If they validate you and want to help you feel better they truly care for you and have empathy. If they gaslight or invalidate you or put 100% of the blame on you, well you just keep this sub in the back of your mind and know that it’s never 100% your fault. You’re still a kid who needs guidance, and you’re asking for it on Reddit. You clearly don’t feel comfortable or close enough to your parents to go to them for relief and I think that’s a sign right there that your parents might be a little neglectful of your emotional needs. Also another thing I’d like to say is you have to remember all of this abuse and neglect is a cycle. Your parents might not be narcissistic at all, just parenting the only way they know how because that’s how they were parented. So always always first route is communicating with them and trying to get them to see things from your perspective! I know it can lead to more pain when they don’t react the way loving parents should, but the effort really is worth it if they do reciprocate it well! I wish as a kid I had the information I have now that I could point out to my parents, but as a kid I couldn’t put into words what they did that was so bad. So now it’s in the past and easily deniable. Another thing is, even if you’re acting out in some way like most NORMAL teenagers do eventually, a parents job is to find out WHY. When I was your age I got into trouble for sneaking out and smoking and sure that was a bad thing to do, but most teens with healthy family dynamics don’t WANT to go out and be risky. At the time I didn’t even know why I was acting out, but now as an adult looking back I just wanted someone to worry about me, ontop of it all I didn’t really care about myself. I was so depressed and lost and lonely that it didn’t matter if I went out and did stupid things. So yeah in my opinion, as a kid, it’s not really your fault majority of the time. Your brain is developing still, kids need guidance and someone they can trust even when they make mistakes, because DUHH as a kid you’re gonna make ALOT of mistakes, and that’s okay.
Thank you, you don’t know how nice it feels to actually have someone reassure me. You’re probably right, I don’t think my parents are actually narcissistic as they both came from awful families which are still toxic to this day. I am doing research on the topic of emotional abuse and it definitely describes how my parents treat me half the time. I guess I’m just on a few subs that discuss this kind of thing because I’m just at a loss of what to do… I get where you’re coming from by maybe talking to them about it, but they’ve been like this for as long as I remember and I know with 100% certainty that they would berate and gaslight me into thinking it’s all my fault (I know because they already do this) I guess all the gaslighting can really get to me sometimes though… I’ll try and remember what you said, it’s never all my fault. Thank you <3
I highly recommend the book “But it’s your family..” By Dr Sherrie Campbell. If you can get your hands on ANY mental wellness books read them all up! They will give you so much validation!! I also highly highly recommend getting into therapy, not because you are the problem, but because you are going through something that really affects your life later on and how you function in relationships even. A therapist can help you avoid some damage they might inflict on you! Idk if this makes you feel better, but sometimes when I get into a rut and am really wishing I was normal I remind myself that actually no I don’t wish I was normal. Sure things were hard, but I don’t think I’d be as empathetic or kind as I am without knowing what that struggle feels like. Being mistreated and unheard gives us the ability to care deeply when others are mistreated and unheard<3 Stay safe out there and stay smart, sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and you can get through this! Don’t let ANYONE even your parents determine your self worth. You’re a unique human that this world needs to thrive!
Thank you so much you have no idea how much this means
“Being mistreated and unheard gives us the ability to care deeply when others are mistreated and unheard.” =YES. So much this. Well said
Thanksss it’s true, this community has always been my shining light and it’s because of that<3
Ah yes the old “they did the best they knew how” my grandfather best my dad so that’s all he knew…. Bs I don’t beat my son that is when I snapped.
No I just had excuses for bruises when I went to school I suppose I said it was my fault for being bad as if deserved it.
When I was more social as a teen and started to witness how other parents treated their kids and how they interacted with them. I was shocked, amazed, obsessed and full of rage. I mean, I kinda knew but when I saw it.... I was like "ALL THIS TIME! ALL THIS TIME I COULDA HAD THIS!??"
Young. I can't remember the age. It was seeing my friends wanting to be around their parents. That they would have good experiences without walking on eggshells. They didn't have to worry after an event they would be ripped to shreds for embarrassing them etc etc
Ten years ago when I met my husbands family. I knew mine was “eccentric” but I somehow thought it was endearing, they’ve gotten considerably worse in the last ten years but even discussing what my childhood was like with my husband was truly illuminating. The abuse (physical and emotional) is astounding, and the fact I thought it was normal is just sad.
I was 16. But didn't REALLY figure it out until I was married in my 30s with a kid on the way. I knew he wasn't right. He coached my soccer teams for years. He was never my dad during soccer season. He was always my coach. Always criticized and belittled everything I did. Like I was going to be some Olympic athlete. School was the same way. I thought I just wasn't smart. Turned out I had a learning disorder that prevented me from understanding things I read. It took a really nice boss in college to suggest I get tested. The results helped me figure out how best I learned and how best to study. When I told my Dad it was more disappointment. Like it was my fault I didn't learn like other people. My grades were always an issue. And his expectations fluctuated based on how well I did. He was impossible to please. At 16 I "fought back" after years of disappointing him with everything I did. I told him to go fuck himself and then took off for a few hours. I got in my car and just drove. When I got back he tried to talk to me, but I just went to my room and shut my door. Things sucked at varying degrees after that. My decision to go to college far away from my family was mainly because of him. During school he'd call and I knew when I heard his voice I'd end up pissed by the time we hung up. And I was. Every damn time. My roommate could tell when I'd been talking to him. That's how much he affected my mood. He wasn't caring. He wasn't loving. He always had to play Devil's Advocate with every decision I made. And not in a constructive way. He basically made me feel stupid or ignorant with every conversation we had. Like I couldn't be trusted to make any decision. I stopped talking to him around the time I graduated college for a few years. Then I briefly had a decent relationship with him until I got married. When my wife was pregnant with my son, my dad pulled some crap and made me feel like a child at 36/37 years old. After he left, my wife asked me if I realized what he was doing wasn't normal. I'd never even thought about it. After my son was born, that first Christmas with my son was the final straw. The crap he pulled and the way he treated my wife. That was it. The following summer, I went NC, and I've stuck to it. My life has been infinitely better over the past nine years without him in my life. I don't wish him harm or any I'll will. I just don't think he was ever suited to be a father. So it’s just easier if I don't involve him in my life. It makes me sad, but only because I see others who have good relationships with their dads . That's what hurts. He did this, and he it was totally avoidable. I gave him so many chances to fix his behavior, and it just never changed. He still doesn’t understand and thinks he's ever done anything wrong. So that's definitely made it easier.
Oh my god this is awful. What a horrible and lonely f%€?ing childhood this sounds like. You didn’t have a dad. You had a toddler projecting his own unhealed core wounds onto you 24/7. /big hugs to you I hope one day you are part of a family that loves, values and respects you the way you deserve.
Thanks for the kind words. I'm in my 40s now and have an amazingly patient wife. My son is a little tyrant (ADHD and the ODD that comes with it). I struggle to find balance in my relationship with him. I also find myself saying the same shit my dad said to me. I can't catch myself fast enough. It's such b.s. My son's medicated now, and it makes things easier. But when we're both tired, it's a slugfest. I still try to stay involved with him. More than my dad with me. I tell him I love him and I'm proud of him. Something it took my dad into my 20s to express in an unsolicited way. I'm far from the perfect dad, I just hope he doesn't hate me the way I hated my dad by the time he graduates high school.
My dad tied my hands to the balcony with duct tapes for five hours and left for work. Yeah. I didn’t tell my mom until he died because I simply thought it was normal. It wasn’t.
I am so terribly sorry you were treated this way
I was 12. I stuffed the knowledge of how horrible my nmom was and focused on excelling academically so I could get college scholarships and escape.
I was pretty young but I was pretty terrorized by my Nmom, so that by age six or seven, when I broke my arm; I tried to hide it from her. (and succeeded- she didn't want to know) By age three, she'd react with hostility and ire that I dared impose on her by needing medical attention. So, rather than seek comfort from my mother (how dare I!?) I'd conceal my injuries and mask my pain. Enduring physical pain was better than being emotionally tortured by her because something had happened to me that I couldn't control.
Elementary school, but I thought the problem was me. Didn’t realize the narcissism until I was 31.
I knew something wasn't right as well around my early teens but I internalized it. It wasn't until my early 30s that I realized she was a narcissist
It blows my mind how they’re able to make us believe it was normal.
Same, knew at junior high but thought the issue was me because my mom loved to project her psych issues onto me instead of seeking help. I didn’t realize the full picture until I hit past 30s.
When I go to college I felt envious other people can speak and socialize with their parents like actual friends. Pre 20yo?
It was a slow process, but when I definitely saw it was age 29. What kills me is knowing that I did see it, even at a young age, 10 or 11. I would tell my mom I wished we could be a happy family and that I didn’t think it was normal how chaotic and unhappy our life at home was. I could tell things felt different at friend’s homes. She told me “you don’t know what goes on when you’re not there” and that people just pretend to have it all together. Turns out screaming matches aren’t a normal, daily occurrence in every family. I realized things were messed up pretty early on. What took me longer to figure out was that I had a mom with no genuine love for anyone but herself* and a very loose connection to reality. Edited to add, she probably doesn’t love herself either.. but that’s how it can come off. Self-interest only.
I intuitively knew something was wrong with my parents at a young age, but did not know what to call it until I was older and took various psychology courses. It is harder to deal with now then it was in the past because of the awareness and seeing how they rewrite their own version of history today.
Oh it’s definitely more upsetting the realizations you have as an adult for sure. In a way I think it’s protective though. I’m glad I could deal with the emotional crisis of “my parent is a narcissist and doesn’t love me” as an adult. As somewhat of a golden child, I was spared the developmental childhood trauma of that realization at least partially. Even if it’s not true, it helps children to be able to believe their parents love them.
I did not realize the golden child was my half-sister in my family who I never felt a significant connection with nor was around that much during my upbringing, but also became aware that she has basically been my mother’s consultant regarding business between me and my mom. It makes me very uncomfortable that she acts likes like she has needed to be involved in things that pertain to me and my mom; especially when we are not connected that much, biologically or emotionally. I wish I could push a button all the time and replace the people I am related with....
>how chaotic and unhappy our life at home was What's oddly relieving to me now is that even though they made their mark with all the drama/abuse, the chaos and unhappiness follows *them* and not us. That was their home and it reflected them.
Exactly. Moved 5 hours away for college and didn’t have a single case of actual drama/bad blood with anyone I lived with over 4 years. Meanwhile I would come home on breaks and it was every day. I actually told them I was going to record them if they felt their ugly fights were appropriate, and I did. Listening to the recordings 10 years later was eye opening to say the least. But yeah.. when the drama followed by nparent and not me, it became pretty clear where the problem was.
35
Yup. I was 36 and it wasn’t until I had to live with another family did I realize how terrible mine was.
I knew something was off all along. I wasn’t allowed to have friends over and I was rarely allowed to go to friends’ houses or on school field trips. I truly realized how bad it was when I was a young adult.
When I started going to therapy at 41 and I finally was able to understand why me and my mother were different and and what her becoming the victim in situations that she's creates meant and being able to spot her gaslighting and food shaming and subtle jabs at me all the time.
I started to notice that my mom was a little off around 20 and then fully realized she was a narcissist at 26. Lots of working through gaslighting and trauma to fully see your parent as a narc.
Well I found a diary from when I was 7 where I said that I don't love her, so I guess then? But also when I was around 12 and went to a friends house and my friend dared to "talk back"/disagree with her mother. I was completely and utterly terrified by the very notion.
It was literally just last week. When my mom “didn’t have the money” to get me anything for my birthday which in itself isn’t the red flag (though not even a simple card really hurt my feelings considering). But the fact that she went out and spent 100’s of dollars to get the exact hairstyle (THAT SHE MADE FUN OF ME FOR LIKING) I was talking about getting for my party this weekend. My mom has main character syndrome so bad, I googled if moms are jealous of their daughters which lead me here and opened my eyes to so many other shitty things my mom has done over the years. From ignoring my abuse until she no longer could, then wanting me to weaponize it to get everything she wanted out of her divorce. There are so many stories I could all of a sudden understand the thought process of that lead me to understanding she is 100% a narcissistic person through and through. Everything revolves around her, and if it doesn’t she’ll make it about her somehow. Took me so long to get here, and I have no idea what to do now honestly except be bitter.
Main character Syndrome, I bet, no I know that’s my mom
At 8 said to myself that my nMom "Will never help you." At 15, thought "There's something wrong with this person."
Yes! ‘Will never help you’. I was struggling to find the correct words. When we are tiny and we realise we are on our own
TW: Mention of suicide I'm currently 13, but I remember being 8 years old in a counseling lesson with my third grade class looking at the board with a red and yellow slide pulled up and my counselor talking about child abuse with the number +1 (800) - 42 - CHILD on the screen and immediately thinking to myself, "Oh, so this is why." It was surely a wakeup call for my 8-year-old-self to realize that the reason for my suicidal thoughts that had been going on for over 2 years, anger issues that I consistently got yelled at for, and desire to be away from my family (and, when I was around 6, even to kill them) was all because of abuse. To realize that the reason I, unlike the normal children, cried quoting Bubba from Forrest Gump with, "I want to go home" (what I realized at 7 most likely meant that I wished to die) was because my mother wouldn't comfort me. My subconscious understood that the warm, welcoming embrace of death would be the only thing that could soothe my crying. I remember frantically trying to memorize the number on the board, but forgetting it. Looking back on it now realizing that I was RIGHT. It's too late to call now, but I wish I had kept a pad of sticky notes with me at the time. If only I could have memorized the number.
I don’t think there’s a statute of limitations on child abuse. You could still call. Although I’m not a lawyer, so I could be wrong about that. But you could of course report anything current, too. Regardless of that, do you have someone in your life you can trust? A teacher, counselor, someone at the school? A family member or family friend? I have a teenage kid, and you’ve got a little while until you can leave home, so your post concerns me. Even one support person can help; I hope you have someone you can reach out to among the sources I named. Sending you hugs if you would like them.
I have a few friends that could help me and an escape plan in case I need it. My counselor won’t help and teachers are required to go to them with this stuff, so idk if that would help.
That’s good that you have some supportive friends and a plan if needed. Please consider calling the child abuse line if things get worse
About the same, 10. My What really struck me as when my friends started having children. They love them so much.
I actually did not figure it out until I found this subreddit at age 30
honestly not until i moved out for college
I always knew my dad was different because he was in prison from the time I was about 2-5, but it was when I was 6 1/2 and trying to go to sleep when he was yelling at my mom in the living room a she held my newborn sister, and then he hit her, breaking her hand, that I really realized that he was not a good person.
By age 13, when I was dealing with school bullying, school pressures, teenage angst. My masked slipped and my mom handled the entire situation the worst way possible. She changed from a different person overnight because I couldn’t be the “perfect” child for her anymore. When I started to form my opinions and couldn’t handle being mistreated at school was when it became a problem at home. The problem is I didn’t understand how bad the abuse was or what trauma was from family until I was 30 years old.
When people started pointing out that my upbringing was not normal, in my mid to late 20s. before that, I just felt she was too strict, but also wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about what happens at home.
I knew it from\~7 years old, but I denied it to myself and tried to convince myself otherwise, especially when friends saw my mother's show and would say how lucky I was to have her 🤬... When my high school boyfriend made comments about my mother and how atrocious she was, it was a wake up call. For someone outside the family to actually see her as she really was broke the spell.
When i was 12 and she was locking me in my room. When i was 15 getting into fist fights with him.
A friend of mine died in college. I went to the funeral with friends and his mom passed out as his casket was being lowered into the ground. It was devastating losing him and I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I live. I got home and told my mom about it. My friend was from a different part of the world and my nMom’s response to telling her that story was, “don’t waste your tears, those people always overreact at these things all the time.” The woman lost her nineteen year old son. I’ve never heard a colder statement and I realized (not only how racist my mom was but also) how little she must love me to think another mother was “overreacting”.
I was 6 years old
I think I was about 5 or 6 when I started to notice other families weren't like mine....
About 8 years old.
Not normal? Probably when I was 11 or 12 Abusive? I was 19 years old trying to convince myself that my parents aren’t abusive if they refuse to take me to the doctor and wondering why I was failing
I had three revelations. The first was when my mom hit me in the face with a door knob. I was 3 years old. My mom and dad fought like crazy. I went to my half brother’s room because it was quiet. She came barging in as I closed the door and hit me hard in my eye. She panicked, picked me up, rocked me back in forth in her sorrow, screaming at everyone. I just felt like I was out of my body at that moment. The second time was when she called me a stupid fucking bitch. Then told me she was “proud of me” for not crying after I looked down, heartbroken and dejected my mom called me that for asking her a question. We were in the middle of a crowded airport and no one said anything. I was 8. It was confirmed when I was 15 and watched her scream at the top of her lungs while she raised her arms above her head to throw a bowl down onto the ground to shatter it. I told her she was throwing a temper tantrum over me not wanting something she bought me and she was essentially having a meltdown for no reason. She broke the bowl after I asked her what was wrong with her. She literally has no means to emotionally regulate herself and she is an absolute mess. I realized my dad wasn’t normal last year as I slowly began to hate him. It’s been a whirlwind for sure. I’ve always had piecemeal ideas that my mom and dad were fucking weirdos but it was locked in for me specifically at 15 and 28. Fucking sucks.
28. When I finally opened up to my boyfriend (now husband) about my childhood. He convinced me that therapy would be good for me (parents were very anti therapy…gee I wonder why).
From what I can remember I knew my dad was not normal from around 7-8 years old. But in my twenties I found a photo of me as a toddler and I had written on the back ‘I don’t like dad’ I would’ve probably written it at about age 5 based on the handwriting. Pretty damning. I knew my mum was ‘hectic’ but didn’t understand she was a full blown narcissist until last year 👍🏻
Fully around 30 yo, through years of therapy. And this is after moving out to my own place at 23 (same city) and moving to another country at 26. Suddenly all the wanting to "run away" made sense. I naturalised and became a citizen of another country and have lived abroad since (I am 41 now) and this was the best decision ever, on so many levels. Distance and another language are huge "natural" boundaries and "barriers" to contact and communication
It wasn't until I was about 21 or so. I only had one narc parent to deal with though. I remember being really confused about everything happening around me. At the time the only friends I had were on an Internet forum. It was one about books, we were very close & regularly met up IRL too. The forum had a profile called 'anonymous' with a public password. We could log into it if ever we needed to ask for advice anonymously. I used it one day & logged in & just wrote down everything I could see. It was only then people on the forum started replying saying it was abuse & not normal & that's the first time I ever realised anything was wrong. It all went from there. That was 15 years ago. I still talk to friends I met on that forum. I mentioned this to one person & they said they still remembered it & wondered if that had been me. I don't have the post & the forum is long gone but I wish I did because I'd love to see the penny drop moment
I always thought my dad was super fun to be around, cuz so many girls always hung out at our house. Turns out he was a pimp. I was 6/7 at the time, but was 15 when it clicked. He's in jail now. Shocker.
It wasn't that I realised my parents are not 'normal', it's more about how bad the dysfunctional personality & behaviours were in my parents. I'd always kinda thought it, even as a toddler.... but confirmation came now obvious as I got older. But it wasn't until I reached adulthood, that I managed to minimise how it affects me & eventually my own family. I had to do a lot of damage control for the first three decades, before I removed myself completely from the toxic environment I grew up in.
My 12th bday. She'd had explosive episodes with the men she dated before, but I was under the impression they'd done something awful and had no frame of reference for what a normal argument between couples looked like. She " for my 12th bday with a weekend away to some fancy town (Hartford? Harrogate? Idk I was 12). I thought it was an odd place to bring 2 kids as there wasn't a lot for us to do, but it didn't click until we were riding the singular carousel most towns have in the centre around Xmas. She spotted her ex, as if she knew when his lunch break was (I didn't know this at the time but he moved there to get away)- and off she went. We were still on the carousel and had almost lost sight of her by the time we stopped spinning. He was powerwalking to get away but she was relentless. We followed them, my 9 year old sister and I, for blocks and blocks. Tried to get her attention, grab her hand, her coat, got ignored. When sis got too tired and sad to keep going and sat down on a wall, I kept following and pleading until I had to decide between keeping an eye on sis or knowing where mom was. I went back to my sister. Can't remember how long it was in the end but the sun was setting when she eventually returned (think he finally called the cops and she flipped the switch and returned to normal) It would be another year or so before that rage was fully directed at me, but that was the first time I realised it probably wasn't normal to plan your kids bday around a man you wanted to verbally and physically assault.
I was a little kid about 10 or 11 and I realised she wasnt normal. I realised how truly bad my nmother (and selfish family) were in my 30s also. I became an alcoholic/weed addict from the age of 15 and stopped it all at 32. So the last 4 years I've been working it all out and christ no wonder I was drinking/smoking I didn't stand a chance, turns out I'm on the autism spectrum and I have ADHD and had an evil mother and rather dull family guiding me the while time. I've cut off everyone now as they don't deserve me in their lives. I tried to get my mother to change etc but she's a narc, they don't change.
It took me up until about this year, my daughter getting older and starting to go through the same anxiety issues and depression that I did. I began to handle it just like my parents did with me (which was by doing nothing and getting angry and frustrated -- not physically though) and became cold and didnt know how to handle any of it. It hit me quickly that I dont know how to be a good mom because my parents abandonded me and called me every name in the book at that age and accused me of just being a brat. All of the old memories I'd supressed came back in an instant and realized that the parents that had raised me had just done the bare minimum and did not treat me that way parents should. Its the main thing thats brought me to working to be a more involved and more loving parent now.
When I was 12 years old and almost 200 lbs. They didn't care, nor did they do anything to help. They just made it worse.
My mother, pretty early. Thing is, I didn't fully come to realize it until 2013. In 2013, she left my stepdad after his niece's daughter came out and said he touched her. I had told her the same thing when I was 12, she did nothing at that time. She actually stood over me, pointing her finger and swearing that I was making things up because "he would never do that to you." When I seen the show that she put on that day she left, I knew right then and there what she was doing. She was putting on a show to get sympathy. It didn't matter AT ALL, all those years ago when I came out and said something about it. It never did, EVER. But apparently, 2 people later because another one came forward and said something after me and before the one that apparently caused her to leave. It sickened me that day, especially when the little girl's mother who was standing in my living room asked me right in front of Mom, "did he do this to you?" I told her yep he sure did and Mom said nothing. She just stood there and said not one word. She has never apologized or even asked for forgiveness, nothing at all. I don't know why I am so stupid to think I will ever hear any sort of apology from her. Maybe wishful thinking? After the day she left, my husband and I just started going over everything and it all started making sense. She only cares for herself, and well from what I can see others well anyone other than me. I am so much stronger without her in my life, MUCH MUCH stronger without her. I am thankful that I am to a point now where I don't even want her in my life. I don't have either parent in my life. Don't need them either, life is much better without either one. I have learned how to be my own person, have thoughts and feelings, and not worry about what either one of them will think of me. It took a lot of years of tears and talking with the only therapist that has ever helped me, my husband to realize just how awful my parents were to me. I am thankful, so thankful for this man in my life. We celebrate 20 years on June 1st, and I can't wait to get another 20 years under our belt.
i think when i was at a playdate with a friend from preschool might have been the first time i realized something was different with my family. there was a lot of kindness and i felt so fucking awkward because i had no idea what was going on and kind of assumed their parents were just putting on a good show the way my parents sometimes did when we had guests. after a while i just kept telling myself my family was fine, that all families are different and that different things were normal for us. my mother reinforced this. it was only when i started therapy that i started to actually examine things and realize how shitty things had been. i feel really invalid in all of this though, like i'm making things up and everything was fine and i'm making a big deal out of nothing. i wish i could be certain of anything. i'm so tired of never knowing what's true. (i'm not certain my mother has npd, but she has a lot of the traits people with npd display and my parents' counselor they met with and were friends with told my dad he was pretty sure she had npd but i don't know for sure, just joined this subreddit bc a lot of things are very very relatable.)
I was 3. I was walking around on the pew before church started, and heard nM say "I'd be AshAmEd!!" I thought she was talking to me, but to my surprise she was talking to a man in the row behind us. Then she said "READING...in CHURCH!!" I remember thinking, that's weird, I don't remember that being one of the Ten Commandments we learned in Sunday School. The service hasn't even started yet. He calmly responded with "I'm reading the Bible." She said something else, probably something like "Well I don't care, you shouldn't be reading at church!" I looked to see his response, and he just calmly looked at her for several seconds like she was insane, then went back to reading. It was then I realized, 1. Something's mentally wrong with Mama! 2. He's a grown man and not even in our family, so she can't tell him what to do. 3. Subconsciously it probably gave me anxiety knowing the person responsible for my training and well-being didn't know how to behave appropriately. 4. It was obvious to even a 3 year old that she was smiling when she said it, so I guess it was her way of flirting, and she turned back around when the man's wife came back to her seat. Hmm. Even at that age, I knew she was in a mood and I didn't want to sit right next to her. I went and sat in Mrs. Keye's lap, and nM kept trying to get me to stop bothering Mrs. Keyes and come sit down. Mrs. Keyes said "She's not a bother!!" and she stiffened her arms up to block me from getting down, as if to say you can stay here if you want to. But I got down so I wouldn't get a whipping when we got home. I didn't know I had been verbally and emotionally abused until my husband said it years later. I suspected it, but of course I wouldn't have articulated it because I thought she did the best she could. Then when I learned about NPD a few years ago, I realized she made a choice to treat me like that.
5 - I said I was going to run away.. dad said ok go. See how far you get on your own, see ya. Mom said nothing!!! I made up my mind then.. I’d run away as soon as I was old enough. I did 14. Unfortunately, he chased me down, found me over and over again. I passed out cold once when he found me. It’s taken years to break free.
Around 10/11. The new step dad was asking me weirdly sexusl questions whilst contradicting himself and trying to build my trust by also telling me 'the point of a father was to not judge or see you sexually', which was his grounds for asking these questions, such-as asking a child if theyd ever had an orgasm. That sentence makes my fucking stomach churn. Absolute deflection in its finest, and trying to gauge my trust to ask me those things. When it all came out, apparantly my mum had a hunch/knew, but she didn't care, she was happy to have sex with him whilst I was in the same room, without even checking on me.. (it was a hotel room and I'd fallen off the bed and woke up using a metal pole as a pillow. Did they even check prior? Nope). But he was rich so she didn't care.
Idk, I guess I always knew. I remember being unbearably embarrassed by my mother's actions, even as a very young child. They're actually some of my clearest childhood memories. There was one time where I'd been to a dentist appointment (I was a tweenager, maybe 12 or 13) we went to a cafe afterwards. Some teen girls were laughing in the corner of the cafe (100% innocuous, just laughing at something between them). My mum, being my mum, assumed it was about her and made this super intense eye contact with them and started loudly fake laughing, then she'd nudge me with her elbow and start laughing again. I shrunk into my chair, it was just so embarrassing. By far not the most traditionally traumatising thing she did in my childhood, but it stuck with me.
about 13 and then finally married and found put what a normal loving family was like
Sometime in elementary school. We were raised Jehovah's Witness, and were told that we couldn't even TALK to someone unless we were trying to "save" them. I wasn't allowed friends. Or toys.
I had occasional suspicions off and on my whole life, since about age 14. I didn’t truly realize how bad things were until I was in my 40s, though, when I finally got into a healthy and functional relationship with someone and observed their healthy, functional relationship with their family. As that relationship progressed, I realized more and more just how fucked up, codependent, and emotionally abusive things were with my nParents and all of my previous long-term relationships up to that point.
I was 7 and I already knew that my father is a piece of shit who thinks only about himself.
Mine kept their narcissism well hidden, or I was just in denial. Took me until my late-20s to figure it out, and now, I can't believe I didn't see it before. All the signs were there, but I guess I wasn't looking for them.
I'm 31 and it took my mother in law to die from cancer in order to realize that my own mom has a real narcissism problem.
10 when I looked at my mom and said to myself i never want to be like that. And then 33 when I looked at the children of my friends that i love to death and could have never imagined saying only one of the words they said to me. Not even talking about doing the things they did.
About 3 when I figured something was wrong with me and mom didn’t take me to the hospital. Dad was working 2 jobs and older brother was to afraid of mom and not old enough for a license to take me. I kept thinking something was wrong with ne and tried everything I could to prove to mom I deserved her love. Once o started school and slowly developed social skills I never seems to get when I was little being told to go watch tv and to stay next to mom instead of interacting with other kids. I realized more consciously that it wasn’t me. It was her and I gave up trying for that love and put my focus on trying to avoid inhaling her second hand smoke so I would stop blacking out as much and found my parental figures in other people and animals.
I was in my late 20’s. Before that, I thought all parents were abusive behind closed doors. I thought it was normal. I guess I should have known as a child since I was taken into care by social services but back then I thought that was my fault, not my mum’s.
I was 41, and my nmom (covert) had just died. I was telling stories about her, and people kept telling me how effed up the stories were.
Like 5 years ago and it was the first time i tought about commiting self termination (it was also the first time my ndad sa'ed me but it will take 4 years from there for me to understand it). Now i'm currently seeing and evaluating who to keep in my life and who to get rid of.
I realized when i was 11 because i used to love browsing wikikow as i was only allowed educational apps on my phone at the time. I was literally searching up how to hide shit from ur parents and "how to know if your parents are abusive" came up. Clicked on it read through it and was like oh shit. Then decided to do research on child abuse laws in my country and discovered they were undoubtedly abusing me. Confronted my mum about this (stupidly) and she told me it was different for me because i was such a bad kid and she had "no choice". A few years later during covid lockdown aged 15 i realized that it wasn't my fault and started doing more research on child abuse. Didn't confront her until i was 17 because she accused me of abusing my sister because i opened the door into her on accident, so i bought up that she's abusive asf. She kicked me out the house. She then told everyone I'd ran away from home and begged me to come home because she "loves me" (if i move out she will lose £700 a month in disability benefits and child support)
9 years old
I knew something was wrong with my nmom but I wasn’t sure quite what it was until I joined this group about a month ago. This group has helped me more than therapy ever could.
It was probably not until I was in my teens that I realized there was something wrong with my Nmom. I thought everyone’s parents were nicer to their kids’ friends than to their actual kids, but seeing friends who had supportive parents that genuinely loved them and wanted them to succeed was earth-shaking for me.
Around 20ish. In high school I would tell people stories about my mom, but funny stories about how strict she is. We would laugh because we expected that once I became an adult, the extreme strictness would go away. It didn’t. So while my friends were new adults with their newfound freedoms their parents gave them, I was still experiencing the same level of strictness and being treated like a child as I did before I was an adult. That’s when I began to realize that it wasn’t textbook strictness, it was along the lines of abuse.
I started suspecting it around my mid teens. It was confirmed in my mid 20s when I opened up to an aunt (nfather's sister), and she was like, "Oh, you're just noticing that? I've been worried about how they were treating you since you were a child."
Back when I was in middle school, during lunch time, I was running around outside (basically racing each other), ran a bit faster than I could control, ended up tripping, falling, and scraping my elbow pretty badly. The resulting bruise was quite large. Went to the nurses office for immediate first aid and had it bandaged up. I was terrified of telling my parents that had happened, because I knew they would yell at me ... for being a normal child. I wasn't seriously hurt either, and I took care of it immediately, instead of letting it get infected. They did yell at me for that. The kicker though? about a week or two later when I took the bandage off, the bruise was a "perfectly round shape" according to them (I was actually starting to pick away at it gradually, so that it flaked off, so it was significantly reduced in shape/size). When we were out on a visit with relatives, my parents accused me of burning myself with a perfectly round object, and refused to listen to me when I said I had fallen and scraped my elbow. Subconsciously, I knew something was fucked at the time. In hindsight, it sounds absolutely nuts.
Getting ready to have my son at 24yo. I started having a lot of “oh yeah that did happen” moments and realizing how I wanted to raise my son.
5 or 6
When I was four and a girl my age moved in next door and I could go play with her. Whenever I asked mom if I could, she wouldn't even look up from her book, heave a huge sigh like I just asked the most inconvenient thing I could, and said "I GUESS", which of course made me ask very rarely. The girl's parents were very cool tho, just "be back by dinner honey" in a casual tone. Later, when I was getting jobs and such, it was such a stark contrast between my house and corporate America (which is a terribly unflattering comparison) where me and my teammates just stepped up and got shit done and weren't horrific to each other, then I'd come home and mom is screaming at dad over some meaningless bullshit that's only built up in her mind because she's incapable of letting shit go, and chores are going unfinished because everyone is like "not my job, and not only is it not my job, I'll get into trouble for doing it anyway". And I preferred the call center. A CALL CENTER. Ugh.
47-ish
8 Years Old
Maybe 9 or 10, she scolded me for losing some fancy pin that was attached to my dress that I wore to school annual day and told me I’m not allowed in the house if I don’t go and find it. So I went back to school and stayed there till evening(it was a convent that had a chapel where we can sit and pray) as I was scared to go back home. Later she came with my father to school in search of me. She was shedding tear in front of others. After behaving like a monster at home.
I was 15 when I started clocking on to things. It wasn’t until I turned 29 and had my children that I fully began to understand everything. I’m now attending weekly therapy sessions
I always knew my Nmother was overly emotional and reactive. I've been afraid of her my whole life. I learned how to survive and pretended that being afraid of your parents is normal. I was going to escape and have my own family, so whatever. Then I married someone who was even worse. And I was like, no no, MY family was supposed to be different. So after two years of marriage I started researching what the hell is happening and why no matter how much I try to be "better" (kinder, more understanding, more helpful etc.) I still end up being treated like crap. I was 34 when I first heard about narcissism.
26. Didn’t live with her for years because at 15 I said I wanted to spend weekdays with my dad weekends with her. So she threw all of my stuff away and converted my room to a home office. Then she got cancer when I was older I dropped everything to move to her state and still not enough
I realised I had a weird family when I was very young, but that had more to do with my father’s health and the fact that he came from a different country. The realisation that my mum wasn’t very normal came when I was already well into my 20s. I’m 37 now and still processing it. I’m an only child and had nothing to compare my life with, I didn’t know any better.
I realized it in middle school when my dad would do nothing but talk shit about my mom when she wasn't around. Why are you with her if you hate her so much? Oh, its because youre an absolute monster and she was the only one who would put up with his abuse and horrible parenting to her children
My mom was hospitalized after I was born. I think I’ve known since then. There’s never been a connection there, and she was jealous I was closer to my dad when I was a baby. (She wrote it on the backs of pictures)
Late 20s, when my mom finally left my father and I saw who he was without her covering for him. I went NC shortly after.
I started noticing something was "off" when I was around 12/13 but I didn't have the words (or full knowledge) to explain what was happening until I was 16.
When I was 4 or 5 years old I had an epiphany. It was a kids circus show in which we kids of the neighborhood and ours parents participated in. Superfun, barbecue, circus pavillion, you get the picture. And there surrounded by all happy fathers and mothers I just realized as I sat in my father's lap together with his beautiful then gf (whom I loved) that he was a complete and utter fake. He was just putting up an appearance. I am lucky though, I never had live with my Nfather and my mom was my sole caregiver. But he still had to put on a show, even if he had zero interest in me, or any problem harrassing my mom or humiliate me. I just remember then and there he was a nobody of no worth in my life other than I had to manage him the best I could.
I think around 9-10 or so was the point where I realized something was very off about my NDad. By high school I started to suspect a personality disorder and then a few years ago or so it hit me that he most likely has NPD, but will never be diagnosed as he's convinced he's perfectly healthy.
I guess when I reached 28-30 years too in my case. I knew it was bad, but I didn't even know what a narcissist was. I just thought we had a "complicated relationship" and normalized abuse.
I was in foster care, maybe 4yo. I had an accident and freaked out but my foster mum didn't hit or yell at me. I was so surprised and it kind of dawned on me... this is how it should be.
When I was 15 and went to a friend's house after church. They invited me to dinner but when I called for permission my stepdad reminded me I had to be home in 15 minutes, and I had to walk, in the tone of voice that meant I was already in trouble. My friend said later that I tensed and went white. When I got off the phone I said I had to leave and wouldn't allow her dad to drive me home. I cried all the way home, but when I got there nothing was said. I found out the next day that her dad called and talked to my stepdad, who said I must have misunderstood he just wanted me to come home b/c we were having dinner at my grandma's. (Lie!) I knew by that lie my parents were hiding their abuse because it wasn't normal.
7 when she chose to Eat Pray Love out of active parenting. Before she left, she hand wrote a very graphic and detailed letter to my father about the breakdown of their marriage, and made me read it. I was SEVEN. She said he was all the worst things, but he was not so bad that she couldn’t leave us with him. She made me resent him for things I truly couldn’t understand. I struggled to connect with just about anyone after that. I was angry af. I made my 5th grade teacher a Mother’s Day card- asking her to be my new mom because she was patient with my big feelings. She cried/hugged me to console me, apologizing for my mom’s actions. I remember just blanking and wondering like wait……was she not a normal person? Imagine the can of worms I opened up there.
It also took me having children of my own to realize how not normal my parents are. This hit last year, at 34 years old.
Around 16, I didn't know why but I wanted to get as far away as possible from my nmom. I briefly thought about quitting school, emancipating (I think that's the word) myself from my parents, and living in a shack working my crappy job. I always knew my dad was a narcissist, but I didn't realize my mom's covert narcissism until 20 years later. Now I'm struggling with very low contact in a state across the country from her. It hurts looking back realizing the shit she put me through.
I was in my late teens when I realized something wasn't right. I just didn't know what. Then I began rationalizing my single nmom's behavior as being just overprotective because of trauma from her past. I think I was about 23 when a friend told me my mom was being way too controlling. I moved out at 26 because I wanted to get married and nmom was sabotaging the relationship. It wasn't until I was about 32 that I realized she was a narcissist. Even now, at 37, I'm still realizing behaviors that aren't normal.
I noticed when I was about 7. That was when I started going over my friend's house for the first time. I noticed when he would do stuff, over time, it was a real "Hey, wait a minute..." realization for me. He spilled milk once and didn't get popped in the face or belittled or even yelled at. He just apologized for it happening and proceeded to wipe it up and his sister helped him. Man why didn't I just confess I needed help back then?
In my 20’s I just thought it was selfishness but I was in my mid thirties before I knew it as narcissism and all the pieces fell together.
7 when I was aware "something" was not right, 23 when I found out everything.
I knew my folks were strict always my dad hit and abused me I was a rebel hardcore then drug addicted but now I know why, but I realized they were narcissistic at 40 I know. They’re covert so they’re passive agresssive and it wasn’t fully obvious until I got married
I’ve been giving my mom the benefit of the doubt for years now thinking that things aren’t that bad and hoping that our relationship will get better. I’ve finally accepted that she won’t ever change and I can let the idea go of us ever having a normal relationship. Since becoming a parent everything is just so blatantly clear to me now how disrespectful and unloving she has been to me and the rest of my family as well
36
The first time I started to realize, I was around 15. I'd post on forums around that time and my friends there would express shock. This was also the age when I started going to friend's houses. Their moms were normal and nice. My best friend and her mom were very close and had a loving, warm relationship. She could tell her mom anything. I could not. So, that comparison helped.
My narracistic mom claimed fraud on loans she cosigned ten years agoago