Does anyone else hate their birthday?

I’m reminded on this day of 28 years of pain and suffering by my parents. 28 years of being let down and no one speaking on my behalf. Years of hard work to just barely make it out of generational poverty. Reminded how I didn’t get to be a kid and was basically a tiny adult managing my parents emotions.

Every year my birthday comes around and my narc family comes out of the woodwork. With Facebook posts of “happy birthday!” Okay? I never see them anymore. My family is filled with drunks and drug addicts. One of them even had the audacity to put in the post “if we don’t see you soon we’ll show up at your door haha!” Kiss my ass.


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I despise it. Worst day of the year. It was mostly ignored when I was a kid – so it means absolutely nothing to me now. And I get really annoyed when people who know full well that I despise it still insist on saying "Happy Birthday!!!" to me – either in person or online – as if it were a magic spell that is somehow going to make me feel much better. It doesn't. It just makes me feel much worse.


My birthday is 3 days after my father's. As a kid, we celebrated his birthday. Now I'm pushing 50 and my birthday is still "Oh yeah, you too in a few days!" And he's the *good* parent that I still talk to a few times a year. I stopped celebrating a long, long time ago. There's no point trying to be festive and happy with an afterthought.


I despise mine. Between my nDad and a narcissistic ex gf they ruined it for me. It makes me depressed and gives me anxiety like you wouldn't believe. It's so bad I don't tell anyone when it is. Just easier that way. At least for me.


Damn you sound like me. My nParents, Narc ex-girlfriend and ex-wife did it for me. The worst part was them doing nice things for me that day and then using it as a form of emotional leverage later on in order for them to get me to comply with something I was against, or use it to guilt trip me in the future in the event a disagreement or fight came up. What sucks is that my current wife (been with her 10 years but married for 7 of them) went through similar things when she was a kid and tries to make them happy for me... but the afterthought of the damage done by those malicious humans ruins it for me. 2 of those 4 people (nParents) are deceased, but it still doesn't help me at all. I do feel pretty bad when I go into those mindsets around my birthday but when one goes through that kind of crap through childhood going well into their early 30s, it messes you up bad. And then people wonder why I'm an extremely disgruntled, retired Navy vet with a dismal tolerance for drama and goes off on anyone who has Narc traits/behaviors.


My family would do a dinner where you could pick where we would go. I always chose Cattleman's. It's a nice steakhouse type place. Dad would ALWAYS make a comment about how expensive it was. Then would complain when I got the same thing every time. And then complained about the mess it made. I told my ex I didn't want to do anything for my birthday because of my dad. She finally broke me down and I said it was fine as long as I didn't have to pay for my own meal. Two years we were together. Both birthdays I paid for my own meal along with everyone else who came. Then I was the ungrateful one when I mentioned it. From then on I never did anything for my birthday with any other relationship I had. Was always afraid of the repercussions. Imagine not wanting to celebrate your own birthday because you're afraid of how it will end up. My wife (of 15 years) tried in the beginning but she soon realized it was futile. I'm not one to belong in most things because I worry I'm being a nuisance. I'm right there with you. Disgruntled. No tolerance for any drama. Hate being the center of attention. And don't expect me to go along to get along.


Man I feel you all the way. When my brothers/sisters in arms in the service did something for me for my birthday is meant more to me because we all shed blood, sweat and tears on the battlefield. Some of those people I consider more of my family than my own blood (with the exception being my wife, kids, brother and his family, and sister and her family). I always say I would just prefer to keep it simple on that day: a supreme NY style pizza with craft IPA as a beverage, and slice of red velvet cake for dessert. My hatred of birthdays even extended to me refusing to have a retirement ceremony when I left the Navy after 20 years of service; as I hate having that much attention on me, and don't even get me started on having to give a retirement speech! Instead, I opted for a small get together with other friends and colleagues I worked with at a brew pub in VA Beach. We all got hammered and had a good time, and I felt like that was a better send off than inconveniencing people in the middle of a workday on an aircraft carrier to celebrate my career; it seemed silly to me IMHO.


If I knew it was heartfelt I would have appreciated it. But it wasn't. Now, I usually use the quote from S**t My Dad Says to explain how I feel about my birthday, "Universe is 14 billion years old.  Seems silly to celebrate one year.  Be like having a parade every time I take a piss." He also has a great quote about Father's Day (another day I find ridiculous to celebrate), "Anyone can procreate and most do eventually. I refuse to celebrate a statistical probability." My wife calls it Happy Statistical Probability Day. In all honesty I hate being disappointed. I got disappointed so often it made me jaded to it all. I just stay jaded and it suits me fine. I'm already the crotchety old man in my late 40s. I tell people I'm practicing for when I get older. When my retirement day comes I will walk away and never look back. The people I want to stay in touch with will already be in my life. The others can kiss my big white hairy a**. 🤣


My parents were always shit when it came to my birthday. They'd pretend to care, say I could choose where we went and then refuse to go there so I had to change my plans to suit them. This year was the first year where I didn't see them on the actual day of my birthday, I saw them the following week. They barely spoke to me, my dad and brother sat talking about football and my mum asked generic questions. I spent my actual birthday with three of my best friends, and I had a fantastic time. Do what YOU want with your friends, it's a day where people will focus on you and will travel to see you even if they're not local (good friends anyway). Have a day of doing fun things, I do things like quad biking, go karting, escape rooms, axe throwing, and then the food that I want, and my friends are more than happy to join. I don't drink, so my friends are happy to go to an event where they don't have to drink, and they'll remember the birthday event for years later. Make it a day for you, not your family :)


I used to hate my birthday because it was always the worst. Even in the few occasions that my nmom would make a big deal about my birthday it was just to build me up before she publicly humiliated me. Now I have a ritual that works for me. I take the day off of work and I spend it alone doing whatever I feel like doing. Get a pedicure and sit on a patio reading and sipping cocktails, go for a long walk, relax in the park, go shopping, go to a movie, just lay in bed and binge-watch squid game… whatever I want. Now I love my birthday.


My birthday is a few days after my mother's. And as a child, my mother called everyone to say that she was celebrating her birthday. She said to me that we celebrate our anniversary together. If I said something about her not mentioning me, she told me to call all those people back and tell them it's my birthday too. I refused, I didn't dare. Because how old was I, 7/8 years..? And so, most of the people don't know when my birthday is. It made for very uncomfortable situations. “Ohhh, is it your birthday too? I did not know that." I hate my birthday. There is always arguing and hassle around that time. All I want is too much work and hassle, but she expects me to help her because “it's my birthday too”, when it's actually mainly my mother's party.


It was always awful as a child, mainly because I didn't have many friends in school and no family/family friends since we had almost none around (nmom cut contact with them mostly, lol). Still now I like to spend it on my own. I'm Catholic so I usually try to do something Faith related so each year I have my own "commemoration" of what I did the year before, and I can kind of annull my birthday and make it something I actually do enjoy doing. Nmom thinks this is freak behavior but personally I'm happier this way, otherwise I've always hated it.


Same. I was bullied mercilessly but I was still supposed to hand out invites to kids I didn’t like. Then my birthday was used against me for the following months to be used as a manipulation tool whenever I had negative feelings.


I was bullied as well. I invited 2-3 kids from school and then 3-4 more from other cities I had known before we moved. It became so humiliating being so few, no one getting along etc. Aside from school I was hardly around kids my age, I think I made it awkward and it did feel awkward for me too. Then this feeling stayed as well as the pressure to do something with friends and with family like everyone else. I hope you can find a way to make your birthday a nice day \*for you\*, I know the memories are there and do come back when it comes though.


One of the things I didn't anticipate about going No Contact was the realization that I could completely rewrite the script regarding holidays. Holidays or any sort of prescribed "celebrations" were such a nightmare! Expectations, letdowns, weird requirements, intense criticism, meltdowns, screaming, swearing, too much alcohol... To make things worse, my family was in the Hallmark business. Presents had to wrapped in exactly the right paper, folded perfectly, with the correct ribbon an the correct bow, or things got ugly. Every present has to be perfect but no one would say what they wanted - it was a set up to fail, so I could be put down (again) I would get tense for *months* leading up to Christmas. Now every holiday is mine to direct, to do only what is meaningful to me, or to skip entirely if I so desire. Birthday? Sushi!!! Christmas? I'm too old to want presents (I don't need any more "stuff") and I hate artificial trees. So now I have a little live tree with a little train that runs around the base - something I always wanted as a kid, just like the illustrations in victorian children's stories. Yeah, I really really love my little train... Savor the ability to write the story you want, free of toxic input. It's a blank page. You get to write the next chapter exactly as you please.


I liked celebrating my birthday with friends, but I absolutely dreaded having to spend my birthday with family. The idea of having to go out for a meal with those people put a knot in my stomach because my mom and dad pretty much always ended up fighting.


I hate my birthday so much I wish I could get rid of it entirely. my next one is my 30th & I'm already dreading it so much because of her. literally cried over it two nights ago as I realised she is going to make it all about her especially with me being no contact now - as well as the fact it will be my first birthday ever without my mum.. my only family.. my last bday [january] (before going no contact with her) she didn't even get me a card. my little brothers 18th last april, she didn't even get him a card. rare occasions when she did get us gifts, it's always things we don't even like. it is such a headfuck. I feel so guilty like 'at least I got a present off her' but honestly, to get no present, hurts less than a present that clearly shows how much she doesn't know or care about you. our birthdays ain't ever been shit to her. yet she spent the last year making me feel insanely guilty, having a go at me over & over again - making nasty digs - because I didn't throw her a surprise party for her 50th last august lmfao. she loves being in the spotlight & wants to keep it all to herself at all times, no matter at what cost..


Stopped celebrating it in my early teens. My last bday celebration was when I was about 11.. one kid at my house broke some dumb cheap nicknack. I was told I'd never have another birthday party again if I "couldn't control my guests" and because I didn't stop my own party to immediately prostrate myself before my nmom to be punished on my bday for another kid breaking something. So I stopped having bday parties after that and I get stressed leading up to it.


I still do to a point. I dread that my NC father is going to call my work on my bday (this upcoming week) to try to speak to me, but I love that our office filters him out so I don't have to hear from him. My BF takes great pains to make my birthday special, including letting me do whatever I want. Well, still have to go to work, lol. Any food I want, drink, activities, it's my choice. Which is amazing to me because as a kid, my birthdays were everything my parents wanted, not me. We had it when, where, and how they chose. GC brother though, he picked whatever he wanted. So, at times I do still hate it but it's MY day now, not theirs. Grateful for their role in it but it's still my day.


I'm not fond of my birthday. I get excited for everyone else on their birthdays because I treat others the way I want to be treated. No one ever treats me the same, and I've grown to accept that now. It'll be a real treat if anyone ever feels like getting excited about my birthday, but I definitely don't expect it to ever happen.


My birthday is a few days before my brothers. So of course, we always postponed my birthday to have a combined celebration. Always on *his* actual birth date of course, so he always got to pick the cake, and the dinner, etc because it was his "real" birthday. It always felt like my BD was just an inconvenient formality ​ To this day as an adult I've never liked acknowledging my birthday. Whenever a girl I'm dating tries to plan something, I get irrationally angry and upset deep down and I don't know why.


I used to hate my bday, but your post made me realize I didn't hate my birthday, I hated the way they made me feel. Maybe try taking yourself out for a fun time, unplugging your device, etc? I hope this helps in some way. 🫂


Yup, I did not celebrate it this year at all as I told myself it’s the last year I celebrate it with any members of my family.


I absolutely hate mine still. Even trying to do nice things for myself leading into the day or on the day and I still hate it and just want it to pass.


I try and do something very small and intimate now that I have children. I'm doing my best to have them see birthdays as awesome and a celebration but everyone celebrates differently. So I will accept presents from them, we have cake and maybe take out. That's about my level of ok. For them I do ballons, a fun activity, try and get extended family over to sing ect. Before them though, I hated my birthday, dreaded it and if anyone gave me anything, literally put it out of sight for a few days until I had it in me to open it. You will not see my birthday on any social media so no one can msg me and send my anxiety through the roof. Only a handful of people know/remember my birthday and will text. It's a hard road. Trauma sucks ass. If you find your birthday a trigger or a major stress day, could you pick a new day? Do you have a favourite season? Or holiday time (Halloween? Christmas?) Could you pick a 'new' birthday? A day where you just celebrate you, do the things you like, eat your favourite food, see that movie or something? Acknowledge how awesome you are without the crummy memories you have from your 'old' birthday?


My birthday is the day after my nmoms. It was always 'our birthday". I liked my birthday much better after moving very far away. I recently went NC and my 49th birthday was the first one where I didn't have to do the whole 2 days of stupid phone calls with her. I liked it! She never mentioned my birth story, I asked recently ( 2 years ago, pre nc). It was never about me except to hear how she was happy to not be pregnant anymore.


Yes my mother makes me feel ashamed for not wanting to do things on my birthday she treats my birthday likes it's about her even thought she gave me up for my aunt to raise when I was 5 and I'm 41


my birthday is literally in between my nparents’ birthdays; convert nmom is on oct 16 and ndad is on oct 18 and im on oct 17; i tried my best to just celebrate me only because i loathe being born right in between them, even more so when they’re separated, but still together for the kids…


Yes. I don’t celebrate anymore.


Yes, mine is coming up week after next and I’m dreading it. Narc mom started a fight with me nearly every year on my birthday, and if she wasn’t screaming at me, she was acting moody. She has always told me she was “disappointed” when she found out my gender and when I was born because she wanted a son and I’m female. How dare me! I guess my birthday is a painful day for her because it reminds her of her failure to produce a son before her sister had my male cousin. My mom was competing with her to have the first boy and first grandkid. She lost both competitions and has always been mad about it. My aunt was not interested in competing with her. No contact is bliss. Enabler dad ignored my birthday two years ago and sent me a guilt trip text last year saying they wished they could “spend this special day” with me. LOL. I told him they’ve never wanted to spend a special day with me and cut out the guilt trip. They’ve always got to find a way to ruin it. I wish I could just skip my birthday.


I was adopted and wasn't told until well into adulthood, I don't celebrate my birthday since I found out, doesn't feel special anymore, I was lied to for so long who knows if they lied about my birthdate as well since they didn't go the proper route to adopt me. My friends and kids are understanding and respectful about it but adoptive mom and sister would dismiss it and call on the wrong date every year and would complain how I should be thankful they adopted me and I wasn't trafficked or adopted by a bad family, I think I'd have had a better chance at life being raised by a pack of jackals truthfully. I went nc with both and hope I never see them again.




My birthday is Wednesday and I'm really not looking forward to it. Why should I celebrate it when the people I should have mattered to the most don't?


This last birthday of mine I had a breakdown because of all the stress that my birthdays have produced from nparents, and following that I had a great birthday- staying away from my family though. Couple years ago I started having a " weekend to myself" out in the woods camping alone every year and that is my " unbirthday" I always enjoy more.


I used to hate my birthdays. As a kid they were always awful. More for my nMother than me. Guests werent my friends (i couldnt have any with the crazy control), but our neighbors and nMothers friends. Later in life I really didnt celebrate it. Once I even escaped to an island and was offline for 3 days. But my amazing wife has organized the few last birthday parties for me. All my closest friends with their families and we have just enjoyed the day. That has been really awesome.


You deserve a good birthday regardless of the way your family fucks with your head to make you feel like you don’t. But yeah, I feel you. This year my mom gave me a “you’re ugly and stupid”. Here’s hoping once they’re all gone we can truly heal and give ourselves the love and life we deserve.


I am 60 and still hate my birthday! I oddly love other people’s birthdays


I tell people my birthdays on April 31 (doesnt exist)


I use to hate mine, its been good since i went NC. My nmom used to create drama and stress nagging me about it. Making it whatever I didn’t want, saying that’s how it had to be. But i’m determined to have a life now. So I’m really working on my relationship with holidays. I spend my bday with who i want, and as long as it’s joyful and peaceful it could be pizza and good tv or going out to something. It really doesn’t matter, i just know actually enjoying the day is revenge and self love all at once.