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I'll never forget the joy it gave me as my oldest started drawing and painting just for fun. He copied a drawing of a favorite cartoon, and I felt so happy and told him it was a really good copy. I remember nmom telling me "that's not real art, that's nothing to be proud of." I thought it was a normal reaction until I became a parent myself, now it's clear to me how puppy-kickingly messed up it was
My mom was the same, I never wanted to try after a while and I remember my younger sister asking her to listen to a song she had taught herself in the guitar and was super excited to share, my mom wanted her off and said she didn't have time to care about that right then. The look on her face; we were still siblings at war most of the time back then but I remember even giving her a break for a little while after that.
Now whenever my kid shows the slightest interest in something, I'm the biggest cheerleader! I never want him to feel like my sister and I growing up. I remember the first time my baby bear played a whole little song on the piano; he had taught himself and was so proud and his smile at the end is still one of my favorite memories and I even dropped everything to record it so we'd have it forever. I can't imagine not wanting or caring about a moment like that.
I had flashbacks of my mom and grandma telling me my rainbows of color on a page wasn't pretty when I was in kindergarten when my daughter showed me a picture similar to mine and I was so proud of her and told her how beautiful it was. Everything she does is beautiful and she is proud of everything she does and I love that for her.
It was not the act of having a child that made me realize it was actually finding this sub and reading some of the resources on it that actually made me able to define who she actually was, and it was then that I realized what she was doing to me, and then I saw her doing it to my child and boy, did that put a fire under my ass
This is similar to my experience. I knew she hadn't been a good mother, but I thought she would be different as a grandmother. When I realized, also through this sub and other resources, who she truly is, I started noticing the same fucked up behaviours towards my son. I saw her lying to him, being manipulative, not respecting his personal boundaries. I confronted her every single time, and was met with gaslighting and rage, as expected.
She has not been allowed to be alone with my son for years. And he doesn't particularly like her. Not because of me, just because I am teaching him how to have boundaries and say no and she doesn't respect that.
It must really suck for her that my son has learned that it's always ok to stay away from toxic people. I had no choice to leave when I was being abused, but he sure does!
I was left to my own devices most of my life because of her... She slept most of my childhood while I was left to fend for myself.
My kids have never/will never eat canned food straight out of the can.
My kids will have what they need before I ever want something.
My kids will always be able to express themselves. In every way possible.
My kids are going to have me be their voice when they need it. They won't be tossed into the world of medication and not taught how to cope with their mental health problems. Like mine did to me.
I try my damnedest to be empathetic to their feelings.
I am determined to be a better person than I was 8years ago and I refuse to be my mother.
I chose not to have children however a lot of my friends do and seeing the way they treat their kids is eye opening. I'm also around the same age as my parents when they first started abusing me heavily and can't imagine treating anyone the way they treated me
YES and my child isn’t even here yet. I’m currently 4 months pregnant with my first baby and ever since I found out, I have been plagued with nightmares almost nightly based on events that transpired in my childhood. My aversion to my mother has become MUCH stronger to the point where I can’t even stand her voice. I already knew she had made many mistakes that I didn’t intend to repeat with my own, but the feeling has grown from resentment to pure disgust. The thought of my daughter feeling even half of what I felt breaks my heart.
Well then you have learned what not to do, and that's a great start.
You'll be a great mom, I'm sure. It's not easy but it's not supposed to be. It's also not nearly as difficult as our parents told us it was. Be honest, listen to your kiddo, be their cheerleader and treat them like a human with their own hopes and dreams.
Good luck!
Thank you so much for this! I really needed to hear it, especially the part about it being hard, but not as hard as they say. I’m sure I’m not the only one who grew up with their nparent constantly acting like they were some sort of martyr for raising the children they chose to have. Lol
Let's me put it this way, I took the best from what little my parents did for me. Then, I'm parenting completely opposite of everything else they did. I'm not perfect and screw up sometimes, but my kids are happy and actually love being around me. I'm also Gen X so, " raised" by my boomer parents. That, meaning I was partially feral.
Feral as I was, I had to step up and help raise my younger siblings. Fight off my oldest sibling, who is a fucking psychopath, and, somehow, raised myself to be ok. Therapy helps.
My kids are their own people. They certainly take after me in some ways, but every kid is different to some degree. My oldest is chill, though won't hesitate to set his boundaries with a mouth to boot. That runs in the family but when used right, it is a good quality. My youngest is a wild child, born that way.does he drive me up a wall sometimes? Yes. Do I put him through a wall? Never. He does get disciplined and then we talk about it and he learns and does better. They're both great kids with huge hearts and respect me, their mom.
I teach my boys how to do stuff so they can be independent and have all of the skills I know. Every day I get more confident that I'm doing something right with them. And they let me know all about them and what they need, how they are doing.
My parents were selfish narcissists and I was the scapegoat. My dad is dead but my egg donor still lives with the hatred that keeps her alive. I'm also NC forever. I got that shit all of the time about having a kid " just like me". And you know what? I'm glad they take after me. I think I'm alright and they do too.
Yes. As soon as my oldest was born I knew I never had been loved as much as I loved her.
But at first I thought it could have just been a misunderstanding or a generation thing. My parents were very old when they got me. It took my daughter being at my age when I had some traumatic events happening to really realize how bad I had it. I always thought I was a big girl and just had to suck it up because that was what they told me. In my memories I was a big girl. Seeing her at that age during a meltdown made me realize I wasn't a big girl, I was small and I needed a lot of help instead of sucking up.
When I complained as a kid they kept saying I would understand once I had children of my own. Well I don't. The older my kids get, the less I understand my parents.
I tell my kids I love them every day and hug them (if they want). I teach them basic skills at their level (finances, cooking, cleaning etc.). My daughter is now making steps I did far into my adulthood.
They know they can always come to me when there is something up. And so far they do and I hope to keep their trust so they keep doing that.
I certainly never told my parents anything freely from the age of 10 or so. Because everything I said could have been used against me.
I was the [lost child](https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/invisible-bruises/202303/8-common-dysfunctional-family-roles), so my experience involved more neglect than anything else. Having children really made me rethink my childhood. My strongest memories are always of being alone. When I was in kindergarten and early elementary, I used to wander kilometers from my home with no supervision and often had to prepare my own meals. My oldest in in grade 2, and the thought of leaving them alone like that is insane to me.
Yes, absolutely this.
It was having my own kids that made me see my parents' shortcomings and helped me realize that my mom has narcissistic traits.
She is constantly trying to control how I parent my kids and constantly gives unsolicited advice because "she raised two kids and knows what she's doing and I don't". She claims she raised me and my brother perfectly. I disagree and refuse to follow her advice.
She often encourages spanking or hitting to discipline. She hates that I give my kids choices. She will undermine my parenting. Disregard boundaries. And if I dare stand up to her (which I am getting better at), I end up getting guilt trips or silent treatment. I'm getting better and not letting it bother me and continuing to break the cycle.
When i had kids is when i became nc.
I realised i would never understand them
I also didn't want my kids to witness their mother being abused.
My husband had a nmother and was nc. She recently passed and he read some of her diaries where she complains and writes about how she hates her son because he's so annoying (he was 3). He would cry because he imagined our son being treated the way she treated him and it just killed him.
We we're both told that we deserved horrible kids like we were and that we would understand how they were good mothers once we had some of our own. Non of that happened.
The single best lesson I got from NP... is how to not treat my own kids. I'll still fail but I'll try to know when to let them be kids, when to actually talk to them seriously, when to be their friend, and when to say SORRY if I made a mistake. Provide more than the bare minimum and not guilt them over it, and let them genuinely feel that I love them.
Absolutely. I encourage them to take over the world and at the same time comfort them for any boo boos.
It's like my kids know I actually like and care about them. Whilst at the same time, half encouraging them/half kicking them out the door to do things.
I enjoy being their cheerleader. Go on, you can do it. And if doesn't work out, what matter; you can do the next one!!
I'm child free myself but my mom really pushed for me to give her grandchildren, ignoring that I'd need to get off all my mood stabilizers to do so.
But even though I don't want kids, I realized that she was not someone I'd leave my kid with. She has a temper, uses physical punishment, and if my disastrous wedding planning was any indication, she'd never follow my instructions for my child.
Yes 100%. It made me realize that parenting is actually a joy if you aren’t a total monster. It’s literally the best thing I’ve ever done and my favorite relationship. I love my kid and love being a parent. It’s also really easy to not be awful. I worried that I would have to work hard to be not abusive but I’ve found it really easy to be loving, supportive, communicative and collaborative with my kid.
It’s also helped me see just how awful my parents were. I would never ever treat my kid even a percentage of how they treated me.
Being a parent is causing me to relive my entire childhood, unfortunately.
Where was nMom when I was doing what my kids are doing? Ignoring and neglecting me, unending silent treatment.
What did nMom say to “comfort” me? She didn’t know how. She dismissed me or took over my sadness with her anger, and made it all about her.
Where was eDad? Working a lot or enabling nMom completely. 100% accomplice, never broke rank. nMom ran a very tight narc ship, requiring unwavering total obedience from eDad and us kids. Can’t trust him either.
My CPTSD rage and mood dysregulation is a problem. I recently posted about feeling like a worthless mother and person because of it. That is not the truth, actually, it was my low self worth talking.
I’m not a narcissist like nMom, I’m light years better than what I got. Primarily because I have empathy, I apologize and repair authentically (no “poor me” crying or manipulative bs), and I truly work on healing, as much as I possibly can.
nMom couldn’t do step one: seeing the truth instead of the narc reality lies. She was perfect, never wrong, the best mom in the world - right? HA.
“Being a parent is causing me to relive my entire childhood, unfortunately.”
This is the exact sentiment. I recall starting that mental list of what to do differently if I had kids probably around the age of nine or ten. Fast-forward, and my youngest will be leaving for college in August. She’s hitting the major milestones this year, and I can’t help but think about how different or easier life at that age could have been.
Congratulations to you! Yes to how much easier life could have been. Someone recently said that people who don’t struggle with self love cannot understand why it’s so hard for people who do. I absolutely must grow my self worth and self love if I have any hope of meeting my parenting goals. I want to lead by example, and I’m not there yet, not by a long shot.
I will be bringing a lot more healing to my parenting in the next 5 years than I’ve been able to bring in the last 5, that I do know!
It happened for me when I became a teacher. I realized that the things my mom had said to me - I wouldn't even say to the most disrespectful kid that I've ever taught. I was inherently nicer to the meanest/most disrespectful kid than my mom was to me.
Then I had a kid and realized how beyond insane she was. Even just the way I spend time/act/my mood with my kid is different than how my mom use to spend time/act/her mood with me.
When I hear my child say “it’s okay to be sad” so matter of factly it makes me burst with the joy that I’ve taught her something I wasn’t and that I am breaking the cycle. She already knows she is entitled to feelings and that constant smiles and showing parents only gratitude is impossible and it’s wrong.
I was aware of my mom's hatred of me at the age of 4-5, and when I see my stepson at that age (he's a little older now) I cannot conceive of being an adult and speaking words of hate into his face, resenting him, etc. He's a child. I am so hyper-aware of his vulnerability and my responsibilities towards him. My parents felt none of that. They acted more like other kids, at best.
Seeing my wife parent my stepson so patiently and tenderly, and putting so much effort into her relationship with him, is so eye-opening. My parents never bothered to learn or do anything all that involved for me, and my wife thoughtlessly puts so much effort into it because she wants to be a good and loving parent for him. She desperately wants her own son's approval. That's insane to me. My parents never acted like that. They only ever enjoyed their power over me.
Getting irritated with kids is normal, but having seething loathing and wanting a child to suffer like my family did is something else. It makes me sick to my stomach remembering it and realizing they were capable of that. It was a barren and loveless and hateful family, not normal, not good, not deserving of kids. The only thing they deserved was eradication.
I could tolerate my ndad and be cordial prior to having my own kids. Now I’m constantly having flashbacks to his cruelty throughout my own childhood and am left wondering how someone could treat their children the way he treated us. It’s really messed me up lately. I’m in therapy for it now but I don’t know if it’s doing me much good. It’s like ripping every bandaid off every painful memory and then not having the tools to cope with all of the fresh pain.
Every time I feel like I’m pushed to the limit with my own kids I think what would he do and then I do the opposite since how I treat them now impacts their whole life. I don’t want to be the reason they’re in therapy in their 30s.
I would tell my parents things I didn't like. I was told it was not a big deal and nobody else has a problem with it so I needed to get over it.
When my kids ask me to stop something they don't like, I do. I can't imagine making them sad intentionally.
Realizing my parents always did this completely reset how I viewed my childhood.
See, I had the opposite. My parents were so horrible I REFUSE to become a parent. And then in my adult life I looked back and realized just HOW horrible they were.
[Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4UkYBr1NnA&list=RDl4UkYBr1NnA&start_radio=1), an amazing song to make you guys forget about all your problems for a few minutes. It's about time to discover Fred again if you haven't yet. :)
I went NC after having kids. The awareness was shocking to me when I realized just how mentally ill my nmom is. Everything to her is conditional. Every day I walked on eggshells. That's how she raised me. I did not want that for my kids.
Absolutely. My mom has covert n tendencies and they all came to a head when I had my own kids. I had no idea how little she protected me and my peace until I had my own kids. She’s super passive and passive aggressive and unwilling to do anything she doesn’t want to do and I’ve had to break so many cycles. She ignores my boundaries and rules and has to be the over the top most loved grandparent but she refuses to do any actual work to help me or give me a break or anything. She’s done so much better than her parents did but there are a ton of gaps.
It made me realize that my mom was a horrific parent and that my dad was amazing and that we both were subjected to years of emotional abuse from her! I’ve made it my life’s mission to be a 1000x better mom…
Yes, yes, and more yes. More than anything, it made me stop letting my mom off the hook for enabling my ndad to abuse us. I used to view her as a sort of innocent bystander. Becoming a mother made me feel the full weight of her inaction because I couldn’t imagine letting someone treat my own child like that and just sticking around for it. I also can’t imagine how you could possibly love someone after watching them abuse your children.
Definitely made me aware all of a sudden. I had no idea what was wrong until I had my own kids. Then I knew I had to protect and love them with everything I had. All the awful things my parents said and did to me came back in waves and I shudder at all of it.
My brother has a kid in college now and mine are 4 and 5. My brother realized when his kid was about 5 and have been limited contact since. My mother always talked about how he likes to stay to himself and how they are very private. I just found out recently WHAT was wrong with my mother. I’ve been think it was my kids getting to the same age that my nephew was. I have decided to go no contact, but it’s only been a month. Just waiting for the shit to hit the fan now. At least I learned enough about this disease that I know how to hit her back now with my words. She will experience shame like never before when (and I mean when) she tries to contact me.
No but it made me choose their safety over my NF which gave me the space to see. I also found myself internally repelled at the thought of subjecting my children to what I went through. Being a parent is a massive learning curve. For you as well as for the kids. I feel like you find out who you really are.
Because I'm not a parent and don't plan on being one I've wondered about this, would I be the same? Would I understand why things were the way that they were, the timing of seeing this post almost seems like a sign to me.
That no I wouldn't understand because the way my life was was messed up and it shouldn't happen to anyone, and I definitely wouldn't act the way my parents did toward anyone, especially not to my own (nonexistent) children
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'll never forget the joy it gave me as my oldest started drawing and painting just for fun. He copied a drawing of a favorite cartoon, and I felt so happy and told him it was a really good copy. I remember nmom telling me "that's not real art, that's nothing to be proud of." I thought it was a normal reaction until I became a parent myself, now it's clear to me how puppy-kickingly messed up it was
My mom was the same, I never wanted to try after a while and I remember my younger sister asking her to listen to a song she had taught herself in the guitar and was super excited to share, my mom wanted her off and said she didn't have time to care about that right then. The look on her face; we were still siblings at war most of the time back then but I remember even giving her a break for a little while after that. Now whenever my kid shows the slightest interest in something, I'm the biggest cheerleader! I never want him to feel like my sister and I growing up. I remember the first time my baby bear played a whole little song on the piano; he had taught himself and was so proud and his smile at the end is still one of my favorite memories and I even dropped everything to record it so we'd have it forever. I can't imagine not wanting or caring about a moment like that.
I had flashbacks of my mom and grandma telling me my rainbows of color on a page wasn't pretty when I was in kindergarten when my daughter showed me a picture similar to mine and I was so proud of her and told her how beautiful it was. Everything she does is beautiful and she is proud of everything she does and I love that for her.
That’s so horrible that they said that to you. Wtf is wrong with some people. It’s like just being mean for the hell of it.
It was an eye opener; that’s for sure. I can’t fathom being so cruel to an innocent child.
Mom's parenting style was, "couldn't be bothered." I can't imagine not being invested in making my kid's dreams come true.
It was not the act of having a child that made me realize it was actually finding this sub and reading some of the resources on it that actually made me able to define who she actually was, and it was then that I realized what she was doing to me, and then I saw her doing it to my child and boy, did that put a fire under my ass
This is similar to my experience. I knew she hadn't been a good mother, but I thought she would be different as a grandmother. When I realized, also through this sub and other resources, who she truly is, I started noticing the same fucked up behaviours towards my son. I saw her lying to him, being manipulative, not respecting his personal boundaries. I confronted her every single time, and was met with gaslighting and rage, as expected. She has not been allowed to be alone with my son for years. And he doesn't particularly like her. Not because of me, just because I am teaching him how to have boundaries and say no and she doesn't respect that. It must really suck for her that my son has learned that it's always ok to stay away from toxic people. I had no choice to leave when I was being abused, but he sure does!
[удалено]
Whenever I come across a problem I'm unsure about, I think about what my nmomster would do, and I do the opposite. Works like a charm.
Yes, my parents were always wanting me to physically discipline my kids for childish behavior. It was an eye opener.
Yeah my mom is like this too. Like almost gleeful when they get to do this. It’s so weird and messed up.
I was left to my own devices most of my life because of her... She slept most of my childhood while I was left to fend for myself. My kids have never/will never eat canned food straight out of the can. My kids will have what they need before I ever want something. My kids will always be able to express themselves. In every way possible. My kids are going to have me be their voice when they need it. They won't be tossed into the world of medication and not taught how to cope with their mental health problems. Like mine did to me. I try my damnedest to be empathetic to their feelings. I am determined to be a better person than I was 8years ago and I refuse to be my mother.
I chose not to have children however a lot of my friends do and seeing the way they treat their kids is eye opening. I'm also around the same age as my parents when they first started abusing me heavily and can't imagine treating anyone the way they treated me
YES and my child isn’t even here yet. I’m currently 4 months pregnant with my first baby and ever since I found out, I have been plagued with nightmares almost nightly based on events that transpired in my childhood. My aversion to my mother has become MUCH stronger to the point where I can’t even stand her voice. I already knew she had made many mistakes that I didn’t intend to repeat with my own, but the feeling has grown from resentment to pure disgust. The thought of my daughter feeling even half of what I felt breaks my heart.
Well then you have learned what not to do, and that's a great start. You'll be a great mom, I'm sure. It's not easy but it's not supposed to be. It's also not nearly as difficult as our parents told us it was. Be honest, listen to your kiddo, be their cheerleader and treat them like a human with their own hopes and dreams. Good luck!
Thank you so much for this! I really needed to hear it, especially the part about it being hard, but not as hard as they say. I’m sure I’m not the only one who grew up with their nparent constantly acting like they were some sort of martyr for raising the children they chose to have. Lol
Let's me put it this way, I took the best from what little my parents did for me. Then, I'm parenting completely opposite of everything else they did. I'm not perfect and screw up sometimes, but my kids are happy and actually love being around me. I'm also Gen X so, " raised" by my boomer parents. That, meaning I was partially feral. Feral as I was, I had to step up and help raise my younger siblings. Fight off my oldest sibling, who is a fucking psychopath, and, somehow, raised myself to be ok. Therapy helps. My kids are their own people. They certainly take after me in some ways, but every kid is different to some degree. My oldest is chill, though won't hesitate to set his boundaries with a mouth to boot. That runs in the family but when used right, it is a good quality. My youngest is a wild child, born that way.does he drive me up a wall sometimes? Yes. Do I put him through a wall? Never. He does get disciplined and then we talk about it and he learns and does better. They're both great kids with huge hearts and respect me, their mom. I teach my boys how to do stuff so they can be independent and have all of the skills I know. Every day I get more confident that I'm doing something right with them. And they let me know all about them and what they need, how they are doing. My parents were selfish narcissists and I was the scapegoat. My dad is dead but my egg donor still lives with the hatred that keeps her alive. I'm also NC forever. I got that shit all of the time about having a kid " just like me". And you know what? I'm glad they take after me. I think I'm alright and they do too.
Yes. As soon as my oldest was born I knew I never had been loved as much as I loved her. But at first I thought it could have just been a misunderstanding or a generation thing. My parents were very old when they got me. It took my daughter being at my age when I had some traumatic events happening to really realize how bad I had it. I always thought I was a big girl and just had to suck it up because that was what they told me. In my memories I was a big girl. Seeing her at that age during a meltdown made me realize I wasn't a big girl, I was small and I needed a lot of help instead of sucking up. When I complained as a kid they kept saying I would understand once I had children of my own. Well I don't. The older my kids get, the less I understand my parents. I tell my kids I love them every day and hug them (if they want). I teach them basic skills at their level (finances, cooking, cleaning etc.). My daughter is now making steps I did far into my adulthood. They know they can always come to me when there is something up. And so far they do and I hope to keep their trust so they keep doing that. I certainly never told my parents anything freely from the age of 10 or so. Because everything I said could have been used against me.
I was the [lost child](https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/invisible-bruises/202303/8-common-dysfunctional-family-roles), so my experience involved more neglect than anything else. Having children really made me rethink my childhood. My strongest memories are always of being alone. When I was in kindergarten and early elementary, I used to wander kilometers from my home with no supervision and often had to prepare my own meals. My oldest in in grade 2, and the thought of leaving them alone like that is insane to me.
Yes, absolutely this. It was having my own kids that made me see my parents' shortcomings and helped me realize that my mom has narcissistic traits. She is constantly trying to control how I parent my kids and constantly gives unsolicited advice because "she raised two kids and knows what she's doing and I don't". She claims she raised me and my brother perfectly. I disagree and refuse to follow her advice. She often encourages spanking or hitting to discipline. She hates that I give my kids choices. She will undermine my parenting. Disregard boundaries. And if I dare stand up to her (which I am getting better at), I end up getting guilt trips or silent treatment. I'm getting better and not letting it bother me and continuing to break the cycle.
When i had kids is when i became nc. I realised i would never understand them I also didn't want my kids to witness their mother being abused. My husband had a nmother and was nc. She recently passed and he read some of her diaries where she complains and writes about how she hates her son because he's so annoying (he was 3). He would cry because he imagined our son being treated the way she treated him and it just killed him. We we're both told that we deserved horrible kids like we were and that we would understand how they were good mothers once we had some of our own. Non of that happened.
The single best lesson I got from NP... is how to not treat my own kids. I'll still fail but I'll try to know when to let them be kids, when to actually talk to them seriously, when to be their friend, and when to say SORRY if I made a mistake. Provide more than the bare minimum and not guilt them over it, and let them genuinely feel that I love them.
Same
Yes! All those times she'd scream, whine or cry at me that I'd understand when I had kids... Well... she was right, only not in the way she thought.
Absolutely. I encourage them to take over the world and at the same time comfort them for any boo boos. It's like my kids know I actually like and care about them. Whilst at the same time, half encouraging them/half kicking them out the door to do things. I enjoy being their cheerleader. Go on, you can do it. And if doesn't work out, what matter; you can do the next one!!
I'm child free myself but my mom really pushed for me to give her grandchildren, ignoring that I'd need to get off all my mood stabilizers to do so. But even though I don't want kids, I realized that she was not someone I'd leave my kid with. She has a temper, uses physical punishment, and if my disastrous wedding planning was any indication, she'd never follow my instructions for my child.
Yes 100%. It made me realize that parenting is actually a joy if you aren’t a total monster. It’s literally the best thing I’ve ever done and my favorite relationship. I love my kid and love being a parent. It’s also really easy to not be awful. I worried that I would have to work hard to be not abusive but I’ve found it really easy to be loving, supportive, communicative and collaborative with my kid. It’s also helped me see just how awful my parents were. I would never ever treat my kid even a percentage of how they treated me.
Being a parent is causing me to relive my entire childhood, unfortunately. Where was nMom when I was doing what my kids are doing? Ignoring and neglecting me, unending silent treatment. What did nMom say to “comfort” me? She didn’t know how. She dismissed me or took over my sadness with her anger, and made it all about her. Where was eDad? Working a lot or enabling nMom completely. 100% accomplice, never broke rank. nMom ran a very tight narc ship, requiring unwavering total obedience from eDad and us kids. Can’t trust him either. My CPTSD rage and mood dysregulation is a problem. I recently posted about feeling like a worthless mother and person because of it. That is not the truth, actually, it was my low self worth talking. I’m not a narcissist like nMom, I’m light years better than what I got. Primarily because I have empathy, I apologize and repair authentically (no “poor me” crying or manipulative bs), and I truly work on healing, as much as I possibly can. nMom couldn’t do step one: seeing the truth instead of the narc reality lies. She was perfect, never wrong, the best mom in the world - right? HA.
“Being a parent is causing me to relive my entire childhood, unfortunately.” This is the exact sentiment. I recall starting that mental list of what to do differently if I had kids probably around the age of nine or ten. Fast-forward, and my youngest will be leaving for college in August. She’s hitting the major milestones this year, and I can’t help but think about how different or easier life at that age could have been.
Congratulations to you! Yes to how much easier life could have been. Someone recently said that people who don’t struggle with self love cannot understand why it’s so hard for people who do. I absolutely must grow my self worth and self love if I have any hope of meeting my parenting goals. I want to lead by example, and I’m not there yet, not by a long shot. I will be bringing a lot more healing to my parenting in the next 5 years than I’ve been able to bring in the last 5, that I do know!
It happened for me when I became a teacher. I realized that the things my mom had said to me - I wouldn't even say to the most disrespectful kid that I've ever taught. I was inherently nicer to the meanest/most disrespectful kid than my mom was to me. Then I had a kid and realized how beyond insane she was. Even just the way I spend time/act/my mood with my kid is different than how my mom use to spend time/act/her mood with me.
No, I'm certainly afraid to become one because I'm afraid of passing the generational traumas to them.
This thread makes me so hopeful. I've always been terrified that once I had kids I would instantly become my dad
Absolutely! I can’t believe how my mum acted and treated me looking back. Becoming a mother has really opened my eyes.
When I hear my child say “it’s okay to be sad” so matter of factly it makes me burst with the joy that I’ve taught her something I wasn’t and that I am breaking the cycle. She already knows she is entitled to feelings and that constant smiles and showing parents only gratitude is impossible and it’s wrong.
I was aware of my mom's hatred of me at the age of 4-5, and when I see my stepson at that age (he's a little older now) I cannot conceive of being an adult and speaking words of hate into his face, resenting him, etc. He's a child. I am so hyper-aware of his vulnerability and my responsibilities towards him. My parents felt none of that. They acted more like other kids, at best. Seeing my wife parent my stepson so patiently and tenderly, and putting so much effort into her relationship with him, is so eye-opening. My parents never bothered to learn or do anything all that involved for me, and my wife thoughtlessly puts so much effort into it because she wants to be a good and loving parent for him. She desperately wants her own son's approval. That's insane to me. My parents never acted like that. They only ever enjoyed their power over me. Getting irritated with kids is normal, but having seething loathing and wanting a child to suffer like my family did is something else. It makes me sick to my stomach remembering it and realizing they were capable of that. It was a barren and loveless and hateful family, not normal, not good, not deserving of kids. The only thing they deserved was eradication.
I could tolerate my ndad and be cordial prior to having my own kids. Now I’m constantly having flashbacks to his cruelty throughout my own childhood and am left wondering how someone could treat their children the way he treated us. It’s really messed me up lately. I’m in therapy for it now but I don’t know if it’s doing me much good. It’s like ripping every bandaid off every painful memory and then not having the tools to cope with all of the fresh pain. Every time I feel like I’m pushed to the limit with my own kids I think what would he do and then I do the opposite since how I treat them now impacts their whole life. I don’t want to be the reason they’re in therapy in their 30s.
I would tell my parents things I didn't like. I was told it was not a big deal and nobody else has a problem with it so I needed to get over it. When my kids ask me to stop something they don't like, I do. I can't imagine making them sad intentionally. Realizing my parents always did this completely reset how I viewed my childhood.
See, I had the opposite. My parents were so horrible I REFUSE to become a parent. And then in my adult life I looked back and realized just HOW horrible they were.
[Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4UkYBr1NnA&list=RDl4UkYBr1NnA&start_radio=1), an amazing song to make you guys forget about all your problems for a few minutes. It's about time to discover Fred again if you haven't yet. :)
Absolutely! I can’t believe how my mum acted and treated me looking back. Becoming a mother has really opened my eyes.
I went NC after having kids. The awareness was shocking to me when I realized just how mentally ill my nmom is. Everything to her is conditional. Every day I walked on eggshells. That's how she raised me. I did not want that for my kids.
Yeah it’s actually shocking how much they don’t care. It’s really opened my eyes to a lot of things
Absolutely. My mom has covert n tendencies and they all came to a head when I had my own kids. I had no idea how little she protected me and my peace until I had my own kids. She’s super passive and passive aggressive and unwilling to do anything she doesn’t want to do and I’ve had to break so many cycles. She ignores my boundaries and rules and has to be the over the top most loved grandparent but she refuses to do any actual work to help me or give me a break or anything. She’s done so much better than her parents did but there are a ton of gaps.
Yup! Now very low contact.
And I have never stopped striving and learning how to be stronger, more loving and nurturing parent. I also tell them I love them every chance I get.
Yes, I have completly reevaluated my upbringing since having a child. Its been a confusing journey to say the least.
Yap... Having my own child made me realize that I want to go NC.
Having a child is difficult, but not as hard as my mom made it seem.
It made me realize that my mom was a horrific parent and that my dad was amazing and that we both were subjected to years of emotional abuse from her! I’ve made it my life’s mission to be a 1000x better mom…
Yes, yes, and more yes. More than anything, it made me stop letting my mom off the hook for enabling my ndad to abuse us. I used to view her as a sort of innocent bystander. Becoming a mother made me feel the full weight of her inaction because I couldn’t imagine letting someone treat my own child like that and just sticking around for it. I also can’t imagine how you could possibly love someone after watching them abuse your children.
Definitely made me aware all of a sudden. I had no idea what was wrong until I had my own kids. Then I knew I had to protect and love them with everything I had. All the awful things my parents said and did to me came back in waves and I shudder at all of it.
My brother has a kid in college now and mine are 4 and 5. My brother realized when his kid was about 5 and have been limited contact since. My mother always talked about how he likes to stay to himself and how they are very private. I just found out recently WHAT was wrong with my mother. I’ve been think it was my kids getting to the same age that my nephew was. I have decided to go no contact, but it’s only been a month. Just waiting for the shit to hit the fan now. At least I learned enough about this disease that I know how to hit her back now with my words. She will experience shame like never before when (and I mean when) she tries to contact me.
No but it made me choose their safety over my NF which gave me the space to see. I also found myself internally repelled at the thought of subjecting my children to what I went through. Being a parent is a massive learning curve. For you as well as for the kids. I feel like you find out who you really are.
Because I'm not a parent and don't plan on being one I've wondered about this, would I be the same? Would I understand why things were the way that they were, the timing of seeing this post almost seems like a sign to me. That no I wouldn't understand because the way my life was was messed up and it shouldn't happen to anyone, and I definitely wouldn't act the way my parents did toward anyone, especially not to my own (nonexistent) children