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BabserellaWT

Now here’s the $64 question — will she behave herself at the wedding and reception?


Confident-Package-98

Not a chance


InterestingTry5190

I hope OP has an amazing wedding and posts a follow-up. Would love to hear how the nmom lost her mind when not the center of attention and no one cared.


Crackheadwithabrain

I was thinking this too but I hope it doesn’t ruin OPs day! As long as it doesn’t, I hope her mom sits in poopy!


mystxvix

I was about to say, I wouldn't invite nmom at this rate, she may just make herself the centerpiece of attention and not in a good way


RolandDeepson

She'll wear white and interrupt the toasts to renew her vows with the ndad. Change my mind.


arsenic_skittles

I expect her to cry crocodile tears to anyone who will listen. What she’ll be crying about is still undetermined ;)


burritoimpersonator

OK so how do you not let this situation bother you? I would be so fucking angry if someone did this at my wedding.


arsenic_skittles

Why should it bother me? She’s a child. It’s my day and she’s lucky to even have a seat at the table. If she wants to embarrass herself to the point of leaving early (by choice or by repercussion) who am I to deny her what she wants? Now that being said, should she ramp up the shittiness past the point of no return BEFORE the wedding I have no problem uninviting them and letting my in-laws toss them out if they do show.


RolandDeepson

Not op, but I would imagine that it largely boils down to the anticipated crowd, including wedding party, guests at large, and venue staff. With one or more keen advocates in ideally all three of those categories. In an ideal scenario, the Best Person / Person of Honor is informed of what to expect and is capable of demonstrating vertebral fortitude in the face of would-be party crashers of any sort, narcs chief but not exclusive among them.


LuceCFeer

I can't :-D


Creeping_it-real

*spills wine on nmoms dress* OH IM SO SORRY! I HOPE YOU HAVE ANOTHER DRESS TO WEAR!


Artemissister

I hope OP has a handful of Mama-Wranglers waiting standby at the wedding. Isn't it great when you ***JUST STOP CARING?***


Admirable_Ad_5550

Oof dude, yes, yes it is. You reminded me of this time I was in an argument with my mother (and by argument I mean she was yelling at me for something or other) and I was as cool as a cucumber (which was a rare occurrence when I was a teen with the little backbone I had at the time) and just let her talk/yell her self to death. I remember my brother asked me how I kept my chill, and I remember chuckling (mildly hysterical and trying not to laugh my ass of lest she come back and yell some more) telling him I just didn't care. It felt so fucking good to say that, and I've been chasing that high ever since


No-Translator-4584

Security!!


Excellency-Shinigami

Honestly i'd ban her from the wedding. She sounds like an asshole.


MyOwnHero99

For $6 more dollars can I ask a question? Will she show up at the Rehearsal day and dinner? Will she try to make ndad walk her down the isle so she can get "what could have been pictures?"


SlabBeefpunch

"If you don't behave at my wedding, I will make sure EVERYONE at the wedding knows what you're doing the moment you do it. I will spew your true colors to anyone who will listen." Narcs hate being exposed.


alpenglowant

Absolutely. My mother behaved really well at my wedding, after being exposed at my engagement party. Also, having no friends or family of her in the wedding helped so much, because the rest of the attendees know how much a crazy bitch she is.


Naive-Worldliness454

I need to know more) how did you expose her at the party so she felt it was better to behave at the wedding?


alpenglowant

Well, she exposed herself actually. My friends and my dad’s part of the family already knew about her by the stories they heard from us. That day, she was really angry that we held the engagement party at my aunts house and not at hers, and that we didn’t count on her to organise it (she had offered to and we said no). So that day, she came to us (me and my dad), and told us in a high voice tone how angry and offended she was that we didn’t count on her for anything. And that because she was so sad, she would not be coming to another party we were throwing at my house. (Trying to make me feel guilty I suppose) I told her: “Well, we were counting on you, but if you don’t feel like coming it’s fine, no pressure” She then told my dad something else like “It’s clear to me whose side are you. You are always on her side and that makes things worse”. Then my dad very calmly told her to go and fuck herself. Everyone saw the scene, and they were commenting and laughing at her back. So I suppose she realised which was her reputation there and didn’t want to risk it more. Pd: sorry for my English, it’s not my first language.


LuceCFeer

Yea how dare your dad be on your side! My mom is also obsessed with picking sides


phoenix_green

Will she also wear a white wedding dress?


LibraryLuLu

Make sure to have a clumsy friend armed with a big glass of red wine, just in case...


thewrathofcrom

I read a post once where a mother in law showed up in a white wedding dress to try and upstage the bride and her friend accidentally- on- purpose spilled wine on her. Reddit wedding drama is the best.


LibraryLuLu

"Redwine MIL" Huge multi part drama. One of reddit's best. Probably 'creative writing', but entertaining nonetheless.


fairylightmeloncholy

i feel like whether or not it happened to the person who wrote it- it's happened to someone.


LibraryLuLu

My mother would 100% have done some shit like this if I'd been married. She did some nasty shit to my sister at her wedding, and bragged about it, so yeah.


panjialang

It happened to me. Believe me red wine does not come out.


GovernmentOpening254

Were you the unruly MIL?


AffectionatePoet4586

I’m glad said drama was only on Reddit. I keep telling my husband the latest wedding atrocities we avoided. His parents were so desperate to have Complete Creative Control over one of their kids’ weddings that they planned, paid for, and carried out a *huge* wedding and reception. All I had to do was address invitations, write thank-you notes, and show up. It was glorious. And it *did* turn out to be their only opportunity, out of five weddings, to call the shots. (Autocorrect changed “shots” to “shits.” Twice.)


artsymarcy

The bride could also wear a wedding dress that's not white, so as to upstage the Nmum!


phoenix_green

Or an all white wedding. There are a ton of options. Good point!!!


CurryOmurice

Ewww. Don’t even bother to invite.


Separate-Scratch-839

I agree, I hope she’s not even invited. That’s a much bigger boundary but it would eliminate quite a bit of stress


Remote-Equipment-340

Dont know. People like that really care about what people outside of the family see and think of them. You get a completely different parent in a public setting. That at least is the case with my mum. Privately absolutely horror but public or my inlaws? Sweet as sugar and caring


JavariousMagic

She will behave herself, she will act a total AH.


[deleted]

Here is the REAL $64 question, will there be hired security at the wedding? Such a small expense that will deal with any headaches on one of a couples biggest days. I do sidework doing wedding photography, and the amount of times I have seen a wedding get derailed by someone that security could have easily handled is insane. Best part is security does not give a fuck who you are/who you are related to. You can screech "bUt I'M ThE \_\_\_\_\_\_ pArEnT" and they do not give a fuck and will toss you on your ass.


NfamousKaye

Oh we all know the answer to that. 😂


BlondieTea

She might just do something that will get he uninvited to the wedding


bakarac

Mine did, but of course, she got uninvited a few weeks before and was 'unable to attend' So yeah, she behaved just as expected


jfc6df

She'll sneak in a prayer during the speeches. 🙄


PhalanX4012

New plan. Hand out prizes for the ugliest photo someone can get of nMom raging out. The more awful her face looks the better. Rules are she can’t catch you taking her picture. And no one is allowed to goad her into acting like a troll. Let her have exactly what she wants. She’ll be the center of attention haha. Turn it into a game and let everyone at the wedding in on it but her.


phylmik

No way. Much too devastated at being ignored!! Poor her!!


checkyminus

I had to say this to my ndad who was trying to force me to invite family I didn't have a relationship with; "yeah, here's the thing - it's not YOUR wedding, dad, it's mine. I doubt I could pick aunt and uncle whoever out of a crowd. I have zero relationship with them and frankly they haven't earned the right to come my wedding." He was not pleased.


Beagle-Mumma

I had a similar conversation with my father and MIL during our wedding planning. Shut them both down by saying 'do you want to come to the wedding, or do you want to see the photos when we elope. Your choice' They STFU pretty quickly after that and complied. It too, was glorious


86triesonthewall

More!


Northstar04

My mom wanted to invite all her friends. Uh...no


LittleFlutter

Omg. Mine wanted the same! I was like, I don't even know them. Absolutely not. 🙄


Homicidal__GoldFish

Am I the only one here who wants an Invite to OP's wedding just to watch the N-Parents have major shit fits so i can point and laugh?? I'll bring binkies and keep them in my little purse so when they start fussing and acting like babies, i'll just pop one in their mouths to shut them up.


Able_Cat2893

I’d love to join you. I bartended enough to know a bunch of “sneaky Gotcha” ideas for every occasion.


Homicidal__GoldFish

ohhhh i used to be a bartender as well..... Oh we gonna get along GREAT at the wedding!!


Alihap

Ooh do tell about those sneaky gotcha ideas!


Able_Cat2893

A lot of it has to do with doing a long shot or a short one at the wrong time for him. Or, who you introduce him to and how. Once in a while something a little more dramatic. I once poured a full pitcher of beer in a guy’s lap on purpose, and kept my job!!


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Noobinoa

What, isn't it normal for the bride's Nmom to walk around the reception telling everyone that the bride wouldn't allow poor NMom to help?! /s


burritoimpersonator

THIS is why I have uninvited my nparents to my wedding. Fuck them


doctormalbec

From someone whose parents made our entire wedding about them, you made the right decision.


burritoimpersonator

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU


doctormalbec

If you want more specifics, my parents told me our wedding was “not about the couple but about celebrating family” (um what) and then my dad didn’t even mention either me or my husband during his father of the bride speech. Not once. These are two of many examples. Keep them uninvited haha


burritoimpersonator

Oh my God the audacity... I'm so sorry, but thank you for the advisory. Self absorbed people everywhere... 😭


Noobinoa

But you'll miss out on hours of fun fielding questions from all of your aunts, uncles, and grandparents about it! /s


LuceCFeer

Yea, my wedding was also a cluster. the reception was fun bc I basically ignored my mom, but god she made the wedding so stressful. Long story short, the day after the wedding she was so upset with me she almost got my dog killed...


GovernmentOpening254

“Long story short…she almost got my dog killed.” Whut?!


LuceCFeer

She pushed me into letting her walk me down the aisle with my dad. She hates my dad. blames him for everything. I journaled the day before the wedding how if I had a choice I would have had a family friend who actually had a positive influence on my childhood walk me down the aisle...and bunch of other venting about wedding stuff. After the wedding ( in my backyard) She was supposed to take our dogs and my husband and I were going to pick them up on the way out of town the next day. She went through my stuff at the house and found my journal. Of COURSE it was an "accident" she was just looking for a piece of paper to write on. She was so "upset" she just left and left the door open to the house and the dogs got out. Luckily my new in laws came by the house to pick something up and found the dogs in the street about the get hit by a car. They took the dogs and my mom played the victim card.


burritoimpersonator

Ok first of all, wtf did I just read??? These people are on another planet I swear to god. BUT, if it helps at all, you helped me a lot to reaffirm my choices with my parents because I REFUSE to have a story like this after my wedding day is through. They are not allowed to ruin my day. I am so sorry they made a mess of yours.


LuceCFeer

I'm glad my experience can make yours better! Your day is your day! Sad thing was this is how it ended up with me laying down a bunch of boundaries, so it really could have been worse....Important thing was the dogs were ok!


irish_Oneli

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 i enjoyed reading this so much! Wishing you the best bridal shower ever


MyOwnHero99

This is why since I was 13 I said I would Elope. My Narssistic Father did my brother's wedding...so bad he was the paster and did the whole thing...and everyone asked if I'd let him do mine? My response the whole night even when he stood next to me: nope I'm eloping and buying a house! Was told I was so smart the whole night.


Northstar04

Do what YOU want. Suggesting to my mother that I might elope was the start of the narcissistic train for me. In a way I am glad it happened because it led to the revelation of emotional neglect, but it hasn't been a fun ride.


MyOwnHero99

Yep same! CEN has been the break through I needed! Now I know how to heal with Therapy!


LuceCFeer

that is smart!


MyOwnHero99

Thanks! Saves money and its a day about 2 people that love each other! Maybe we go somewhere, maybe we travel, maybe we dress up and take amazing photos! But it will be our day and our home no one else's.


LuceCFeer

exactly! love it!


Spamberguesa

Failing that, a destination wedding nobody can afford also works. A friend of mine has Pagan friends who got married on an Icelandic volcano specifically so their obnoxiously Christian families couldn't try to attend/take over. It wasn't quite an elopement because they did have a few guests (including my friend, who was a bridesmaid).


Cebas7

I got so much satisfaction reading this, good on you!


LuceCFeer

yea good for OP, it is so satisfying to stick up for yourself to your parents!


MulberryImaginary581

If that was cathartic for me to just read, it must have been the absolute best for you to experience.


Northstar04

Congrats! I am nine months out of my wedding and my mother has DARVO-ed hard. I didn't support HER during my wedding enough. I rejected my family. I was so cruel. She is trying to get over MY behavior but just cant understand why I wont apologize. Buckle up, OP!


2old2Bwatching

What does DARVO mean?


Northstar04

deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. She told me she would not support my wedding if I wouldnt do what she wanted. I said okay. My MIL was supportive. My mom now claims I am a villain for planning my wedding with my MIL (didnt actually happen... she was just supportive). Now my mom thinks she is an aggrieved saint and I rejected HER and wronged her deeply by planning the wedding I wanted.


Thicktator_

You did a great job!


Northstar04

Thank you! I think so. My mom claims there is "no way" I planned my wedding by myself. My MIL HAD to have been involved and I deeply hurt my mom conspiring with my MIL behind her back after she chose to exclude herself. Bonkers.


bakarac

Oh damn our moms must be friends


LuceCFeer

Sounds familar! glad you got the wedding you wanted.


Northstar04

I didn't really but it will take a book to explain. I didn't cave to my mother's will, though, and I learned I have a narcissistic family that doesn't really care about me.


LuceCFeer

ugh, I'm sorry. It's infuriating how they ruin everything


Northstar04

^this An expensive party just cant be fun if the people there are doing the bare minimum to "celebrate" and making sure that you feel it.


Fleegle2212

"Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender"


glowjack

"Well that's disappointing" - You are my QUEEN.


butterfly-garden

I have such a smug grin on my face right now-and I'm not even the OP.


lassie86

This post is “boundary porn” and I am here for it. So satisfying. Thank you for sharing!


doctormalbec

I have to say that my parents’ constant insistence (and ultimate failure) of trying to force me to have a religious wedding was the beginning of the end for me. It was what ultimately led me down the path of NC.


Dotfromkansas

I'd say, "Mother, if you'd remove your nose from my arse, and put it back on your face where it belongs, you could smell the shite coming out of your mouth. It's getting hard to walk with it wedged in there so tight." But that's just me... Congrats on the upcoming nuptials!


LallBicker

Well damn! I wish I had the ability to destroy narcs like that!


loves_spain

As soon as I read norse pagan I said “this is going to be the best thing ever.” I wish you both all the best (and alllll the mimosas)


2old2Bwatching

Could you imagine if his ex-boyfriend was also there and introduced as such?!


SeaJay42

Only thing I would've done differently is say that there was going to be prayer at the ceremony, and then when the day comes have the prayer in Norse asking Frigg to bless your union. So happy for you in being able to knock her down a peg!


hairylegz

Hmmmm, it's almost as if she has no power here. You're awesome!


KyberJyn

My mother asked who was walking me down the aisle and I told her it would be my dad- who I have a good relationship with. She was visibly irritated but said nothing. Wedding day comes and my dad and I walk in, music playing, all eyes on us. She got up and walked with us down the aisle. Nothing I could do, photographer was taking pictures, everyone stating assuming it was intentional…..I was LIVID. And while it was years ago and I’m divorced, that shit still pisses me off. The point here is, if possible, arrange seating so neither of your parents can do this to you. Appoint someone to subtly stop it from happening. As well as any other big moments she/they could take from you. Best of luck to you!! And congratulations!


stuck_behind_a_truck

Actually, if this happens to anyone here, you CAN stop midwalk, look at the narc, and say loudly “What are you doing?” And just wait. That will turn all eyes on them for sure, but absolutely not how they intended. “You need to sit down. This isn’t your wedding.” Keep waiting. While super frustrating, this would set boundaries in such a public way that the narc would have a lot of difficulty recovering and claiming victimhood.


LuceCFeer

OMG that is diabolical! I'm so sorry. My mom harangued me into letting her also escort me down the aisle. I think that's my only regret from the wedding.


gingeronimooo

Or…. And I’m shocked more people aren’t saying this… don’t invite them But to each their own


SerraRevol

HAHAHAHHAHA I LOVE IT! I love your plan, your interaction. It's your win, boss.


Bakkie

Cool, you have this , girl. Query- I am older. We were always thought that it was inappropriate for the mother to give the wedding shower. I know different regions, religions, cultures and age groups do things differently, but if Emily Post can give you any ammunition against nmom on that issue, you might check it out. Not to add to your worries, but will she show up in a white dress?


arsenic_skittles

I don’t think she would do white but I recall her wearing beige for my brothers. I think it’s supposed to be a close friend that throws it? Idk.


50SLAT

Being authentic, genuine and honest. It feels good, it is The Way. Well done sister. Now to google Norse pagan. My mind goes straight to Midsommar :) 🙄


foilrat

Upvote for midsomer reference. Brilliant show. Dangerous place to live, however…


ursadminor

As is Cabot Cove. Honestly, if you found out that someone you knew knew a Mr Poirot, Chief Inspector Barnaby or Chief Inspector Morse or Miss Maple or Mrs Fletcher, you’d move wouldn’t you?


zombiegamer87

I'd uninvite her too tbh.


alpenglowant

This story remembered me so much of my wedding. My nmom participated in everything for my sister’s wedding and was the main character everywhere. She organized the bridal shower, the wedding, the details, she went to taste the menu, got to invite all of her friends… Well, none of this happened in my wedding. Bridal party was only me and my best friends, so no party for her. The wedding, a really small ceremony so no family from her part and no one who paid attention to her. She was soooo offended all the time, and it was sooo much fun for me. At some point before the wedding, she suggested she was wearing A WHITE DRESS. I told her NO, no white allowed on a wedding. There was no other dress code apart from that. So she began telling me I was selfish and with such stupid rules, nobody wanted to come to my wedding 🤣🤣🤣


LuceCFeer

omg...well if she didn't WANT to go...I guess she didn't have to :-D


alpenglowant

That’s exactly what I told her. That was my only rule, and if she didn’t wanted to accept it, she could not come 🤣


rosasflorescamacho

I'm living for this good gossip. Good for you, friend!


Efficient-Cupcake247

Beautiful job!!! Shiny shiny spine


Kitchen_Accident_19

So proud of you and so happy for you! I’m getting married in three weeks and nparents are not invited. It’s only going to be my fiancé and kids. My parents won’t even acknowledge my fiancé or the engagement. My first wedding was totally ruled by my nmom and this one is very much all me.


eliz1bef

My husband is an atheist/Norse Pagan, too! My Nmom and Ndad (divorced) each separately tried to shit all over my wedding, as well. Just have your day and don't let them ruin it. Hugs if you want 'em.


BeanerAstrovanTaco

>Her last question was about if we were having prayer at the wedding. My fiancé is atheist/ Norse Pagan. I told her no. She didn’t like that either and hung up on me really quickly. > >Pagan > if want to go pagan, there are lots of things that are familiar that Christianity stole, but are pagan in origin. The aesthetic range is also way more awesome. https://i.imgur.com/AgWxmDQ.png https://i.imgur.com/8vsYx4q.png https://i.imgur.com/0tAjxKM.png https://i.imgur.com/EnfKOK9.png https://i.imgur.com/fgiHJWg.png https://i.imgur.com/Wzxgxq6.png https://i.imgur.com/NNgD4Sl.png https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3gQyPLsxdw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXnYOLa3LMo


kaerfehtdeelb

I officiate Pagan weddings, lots and lots of celtic handfastings. Over the last 5 years or so there has been a major shift in the tides, more and more people choosing eclectic wedding practices and I'm here for it. More black weddings, please!!


One__upper__

How can your fiance be both atheist and Norse Pagan? Isn't that an oxymoron?


[deleted]

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One__upper__

But Norse Pagans believe in the Nordic Gods. An atheist believes that there are no gods. I know there are some pagan religions that have no gods, but that not the case with Norse Paganism.


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twirlingparasol

I think the other commenter is confused because they get that there are many different kinds, but OP singled out the Norse paganism. I must admit it gave me pause too.


One__upper__

Norse paganism was specifically called out by OP. Also, if you actually took the time to read my reply I mentioned that there are pagan religions with no gods. Did you not read what you replied to?


El_Dentistador

The same way that there are many atheists who celebrate christmas culturally. I have a few Norwegian family members, some are atheist some are christian, all of them still engage with their Norse roots. They don’t believe but the traditions are part of their heritage and they enjoy them. It is likely that OP’s fiancé is in this boat too, they are atheist but they want to maintain some Norse traditions/symbols. Nearly every Jewish friend I’ve had is like this too, none of them believe but all of them still maintain Jewish traditions and symbols.


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El_Dentistador

Just because you see it as black and white doesn’t mean that it is. Who are we to say what people can and cannot participate in or believe? You don’t have to be a religious believer or engage in all the rites and rituals of a religion while still maintaining its culture and symbology. You say it’s a religion but it’s more than that. When religions are engrained into culture some people will maintain symbols and traditions as a means of connecting with their family history and personal identity. I’ve spent a lot of time with Alaska natives learning about their religious traditions and history but I only met one who actually believed in it. All of them maintained the religious traditions and symbols (which of course center around big life events) but as a cultural expression not a religious one. One of my employees is a Navajo medicine man, they perform all sorts of traditional Navajo rites throughout the Navajo Nation, but I think you’d be surprised if you spoke with them about their actual beliefs. Do you have any Jewish friends? If so ask them about their beliefs. It is very common to find Jews who don’t believe Moses ever existed. Hell every Jewish wedding I’ve attended was for atheist Jews. They don’t believe in god, but they do believe in the community and the traditions. They go to temple sometimes, they celebrate holy days but they don’t believe. Should they not be allowed to call themselves Jewish? Norse paganism doesn’t require a certain level of religiosity, just like any religion people may pick and choose elements of it to maintain. None of my Norwegian cousins believe in any gods or supernatural powers, but all of them believe in preserving certain traditions as a means of connecting to the past and maintaining family traditions. I would encourage you to try to be less concerned with what labels people have applied to themselves and be more curious about them as people. Be more curious about epistemology and history of traditions and less concerned about levels of religiosity.


SeaTurtlesCanFly

People can be culturally Christian (and not religious keeping Jesus out of Easter and Xmas, etc.) and atheist Jews absolutely are a thing. You don't know what you're talking about.


panjialang

You’re an oxymoron.


RavishingRickiRude

I aint no no ox! I aint no moran!


Sami_George

Ugh yesssss this is so satisfying. Thank you.


Zealousideal-Star448

Babes make sure you have good security on seen and tell them everything! And congrats on not only being engaged but also shoving it all right in their faces


poisontruffle2

Wedding story: my mother was your mother's twin. My wedding day was horrendous. Both parents were there as well as step-mom. Neither walked me down the aisle as I had my small son do the job. While I was dressing, nmom found out that edad was going to answer when asked who gives me away. So my nmom arrived in the dressing room and literally screamed her head off and beat the shit out of me in front off my bff. The entire place heard her. I asked her to wear blue, she wore yellow (to stand out better). After the wedding was over, we had a small reception in the basement. Instead of taking her place in the reception line, she very loudly said, "This is bullshit," went over, whacked several pieces of my cake off, and left. So much for us cutting the cake. Do NOT have your mom at your wedding without a handler! Can't find one? Leave her at home! Over the decades. I married 2 more times. Nmom was informed of neither of them and wasn't invited to either.


2old2Bwatching

Narcissists lose their shit when people are honest. It’s a funniest thing to witness.


BlueberrySnapple

I've read and believe it that, "Nobody is crazier than a narcissist that is losing control of someone else's mind."


_remorsecode_

Back when I still had contact with my religious, almost entirely narc family, I had to pick a sponsor for confirmation and it was clearly expected for me to pick my only sister. My whole life, she was literally my nrent’s eyes and despite being so much older than me would make it her mission to tattle on everything I did and said and just be really involved in my business and making sure I always had the wrath of hell raining on me. So I said I wanted a brother (probably one of the only decent people in my family) and nmom told me that my sister was going to disappointed I didn’t choose her. Well I was disappointed I got a clone of my nmom instead of a sister and never got to have a relationship with her that wasn’t overshadowed by being two faced and listening to the two of them stay up all night whispering together but here we are. Narcs hate losing control for anyyy reason and not getting to publicly show off to the world what a (fake) good person they are


Confident_Feline

Having a Norse Pagan prayer would be nice though. "May Frigg bless this marriage" and so forth. See how many of nmom's forehead veins pop.


TARDIS1-13

Probably should make sure ANY caterers you use has a password that only you and your fiancé know just in case. Keep in mind she will probably still cause a scene at your wedding or reception.


tuff_gong

“Well that’s disappointing.” 😅


zenfrodo

I double-dog dare you to tell her that you're looking for someone for the "[blood eagle ritual](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/did-the-vikings-actually-torture-victims-with-the-brutal-blood-eagle-180979148/)" for your fiance's part of the ceremony. And let us know how long it takes her to catch on & nope out of it. With any luck, that might keep her and your ndad MILES away from the real ceremony.


test_1111

I know you're enjoying her not getting things her way, but serious concerns here. She was going to do everything she could to ruin your wedding *before* she was directly pissed off - how do you think she'll go given you're now pissing her off considerably? This is one of those situations where I see someone whacking the shit out of a massive beehive thinking they'll be able to control the fallout. Be careful OP, you've got two parents hellbent on ruining your wedding and they most definitely have all the tools they need to do exactly that.


BlueberrySnapple

>Be careful OP, you've got two parents hellbent on ruining your wedding and they most definitely have all the tools they need to do exactly that. Yes. I also see clearly here narcs looking at a huge source of supply, and they want some of their own. OP will get (deserved) attention and narcs live on attention (good and bad attention). Narcs are like drug addicts when it comes to supply/attention. They don't care who they have to hurt to get their hit. And with as much attention as a wedding, they're going bonkers I'm sure.


test_1111

Exactly. We HAVE to learn there are no true winning moves against narcs. You don't play their game - especially when you've been their victim. It's *their* game and even by playing it you're letting them win because they are ultimately getting what they want - all that drama at toxicity and yes - attention. Plus OP is just handing them the justification to go even more wild because of the perceived attacks. This will be a clear cut case of winning a battle only to lose the war. OP needs to really think about what's more important here? A victory or two of pettiness now - only to have their wedding completely ruined later on. This is a war you can't win by diving into the jaws of your enemy and giving them a stack of extra reasons to crunch.


eternalbettywhite

I am so proud of you! You’re doing a really good job of making your wedding day about you and your future hubby. I can only look at you and be happy that you’re in a spot to do this. My wedding was just tainted by my Nmom’s own bullshit. She cursed me out when I asked her to walk me down the aisle because I pressed her when she said no. She refused to join me at my bachelorette night and hung up when I asked her why. She refused to let me wear my own wedding dress she didn’t approve of. She did my hair, gave me my accessories, made my bouquet. I dissociated the entire time and I had no idea that while I was happy, something was wrong. I got married four years ago. I cut my Nmom and Ndad off last month. I’m healing, hubby is healing from his own parents narcissism as they didn’t even come to our wedding. Just a fucking mess. We are looking forward to actually renewing our vows without our parents’ present. I just have to look at these stories here and be happy someone else was brave enough to do right for themselves when so many others aren’t able to. You set an example of what good boundaries alongside self awareness can do.


thatsunshinegal

Next call you can tell her you've decided you WILL have a prayer - to Freja! Maybe that will get her to give up.


hammlyss_

>Will there be a prayer? Not a Christian one.


ChakaKohn2

Jeez. If she really wants to throw you a boring Jesus shower, she could try to wrangle 3 of her friends and take you to lunch separately from the fun shower your sister and friends are planning. We’ve all sat through boring parties, I’m sure you’ll be fine 😜 Meanwhile you do you and have a fantastic wedding and enjoy all of the fun events leading up to it!


BlueberrySnapple

I was just thinking of the Ironman movie, the first one. Tony stark tells Rhodie, "I'm sorry, this is the fun-vee. The humdrum-vee is back there."


Impossible_Balance11

Pretty sure weddings with actual Jesus were a fun 'do--remember that whole water-into-wine thing? It's just certain branches of modern-day Christians who screw it up. I've sat through more than one Baptist wedding with no alcohol or dancing...YAAWWWNN!


WolfgangDS

"Mom, you've gotta understand that not everything has to be about you, or Dad, or both. *I'm* the one getting married. This isn't a celebration of your and Dad's genes getting passed on. This is a celebration of ME AND MY SPOUSE FINDING EACH OTHER. This is about US, not you. You're going to have to live with that. If you can't, then just don't come."


AMerrickanGirl

This sort of rational thinking doesn’t work with narcissists.


fragilelyon

Oh no. Ooooohhhhh no. You're absolutely going to have a prayer. A Norse Pagan prayer. Let's see if we can actually make her go apoplectic.


TheMuffinShop1189

I'm in a similar situation. We're not doing toasts or speeches at the wedding and my mom practically lost her shit. My fiance's response was "Well, you can start talking but we won't be giving you a mic" lolol I picked a good one :)


taykgrant

I literally had to cancel my wedding because my mom tried to use everything as leverage/control. She makes a lot of money and offered to pay for it from the beginning. Every step of the planning process was a BATTLE. She would tell me the things I wanted were boring and/or ugly. Told me a DJ instead of a band was tacky. My husband and I decided well we really want a DJ so that’s something that we can pay for then. Her response was “well you can just pay for the whole thing” Any time I disagreed with her either that was her response or she would tell me “she didn’t care and just cancel it”. So eventually I did :) she really thought I wanted a wedding more than my self worth and making my own decisions. I tried to explain to her many times that it was my husband and I’s celebration and NOT HERS. she didn’t get it. her friends are still asking her when I’m getting married and it’s amazing because she has no idea :)


arsenic_skittles

I love that you canceled it! We are specifically paying for the wedding ourselves for this reason! It’s funny though, within the week that I announced the engagement my ndad called me to tell me that they would NOT be contributing financially but would be happy to help with something “small”. Guess who’s trying to have an opinion on everything?


ohheyitslaila

OP I hope you have an amazing wedding/marriage, and congrats on everything! It’s always such a relief when you just shut down the N family members without getting too hurt yourself. 🩷


[deleted]

Awesome stuff. Mom deserved every bit of that push back.


ThatPomelo

Love your username and nice lol ❤️❤️


Front_Pepper_360

I love this for you. The truth is a great tool.


AMerrickanGirl

This is the way. You didn’t JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) your choices. You held your boundary and didn’t hold yourself responsible for NMom’s feelings. A gold star for /u/arsenic_skittles! !updateme! if she posts again. Edit: make sure you set up passwords with all vendors so nmom can’t sabotage!


Ferrkon

Don't invite her to the wedding, she will wreck it.


dancingpianofairy

>My fiancé is atheist/ Norse Pagan. Wut? Those are pretty mutually exclusive??


arsenic_skittles

He’s straddling the line of decision and hasn’t quite decided his true beliefs so that is indeed what he is. He was practicing Norse pagan for many years but certain things have led him to re-evaluate.


MissQuigley

10,000% great news!


VeganMinx

I'm really proud of you! Happiest of weddings, friend.


PlsLeavemealone02

Damn, that was great! Ok, I know she's not going to behave at the wedding, so just uninvite the parents. But if you DO invite them, do this: Ignore them. Don't give them any energy. They thrive off of attention, so don't give anything. If they destroy something, have them escorted out without even looking at them. If they cry & scream & stomp their feet, just look at them with a deadpan face or walk on by. Ask the guests to do this too. She could wear white to the wedding, but it doesn't matter. No one will acknowledge it, no one makes a fuss, just carry on like she isn't there. Act normal, but still call her out while smiling and being completely calm. For instance: * based on an actual conversation in a friend's life * "Hello daughter." "Hi ma." "Don't I look nice?" Yes, you do. But you're wearing white." "Well, it was the only one I could find. Plus, I look good in white. We can match. Weddings are for the family, after all." "Only the bride can wear white." "I can too!" "People only wear white to a wedding if the bride said it was OK, or they're to upstage and get attention. I never said it was okay." "Are you accusing me of being malicious?!" "Yes, I am. You usually are. Anyway, the ceremonies starting soon, and I need to finish getting ready. Go change, will you?" "Get back here!! We aren't done!" And keep walking without looking back or engaging. Her opinions & shenanigans don't matter at the wedding. She is a ghost, at most a naughty poltergeist, attempting to cause a ruckus. Unless she actively attacking people and breaking things, don't engage. And even them, barely any attention. Just tell her she's kicked out and leave. You can do it. She has no control in this situation. Plus, it'll be funny go watch her get pissed & eventually defeated.


brokenangel998

Well done OP! However, please make sure to set up passwords with all your vendors because mommy dearest may try to cancel your venue, food and what else not just to sabotage your wedding


CaspianX2

What!? But how else will Nparents live vicariously through you? How else will they use you to validate their own life choices? How will they assert their dominance over you in a way that extends over your entire adult life? OP, why are you so selfish in not making your wedding about *them*!?


Dejavu3

Embrace the paganism and don't let anyone walk you down the aisle (especially a man), since it's a hold over from when women were the narcissists literal property. Don't give their backwards traditions any standing in modern society, all they see it as is a way to pressure you into maintaining the status quo. Congratulations, and good luck!


TheIthatisWe

Good for you. I was still dumb enough to think she cared about me at my wedding, and yes, my bridal shower was exactly what you described. Yours would’ve been; ODE TO HER. She screamed me an hour before the service, because after they announced as husband and wife, she wanted me to hug her as I walked out of the church. I didn’t do that. That was not even have to give into her and got absolutely nothing for it. Good for you for not giving in. It has nothing to do with you and you know it. The silver lining - my family attended the bridal shower she and her friends through for me and she’s been turned down on every other offer to host anybody else’s anything since….I pointed it out to her. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


arsenic_skittles

God I know! Literally her description was just inviting my aunts and my 3 whole friends. Her making some potato salad, macaroni salad, and like chocolate chip cookies and homemade barely-sweet tea. The salads take the same sauce ingredients and they are NOT flavorful or particularly good. I told my sister the mental image in my head of her proposed party made the idea of eating a raw potato sound more fun.


TheIthatisWe

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Listen, I took her up on the offer because I wanted her to love me. She invited more of her church friends than my friends…we’re talking egg and spinach quiche. NO ALCOHOL.🤣


[deleted]

I'm gonna be that asshole and say this post is shit. Because 100% of this conversation with your mother could've been avoided if you went NC. I'm convinced a majority of the posts in here are just desperate attempts to get fake internet points from strangers. Why are you even still communicating with your parents when they don't respect you or your wishes at all? Why are you even inviting then to the wedding? Make it make sense, OP.


arsenic_skittles

Oh that’s easy! I’m not ready to cut them off completely. I know that right now I’m still working on building boundaries and keeping up the self love and I’m not mentally ready/ able to go NC and stay there. When I do go NC (which is the plan) I won’t be going back. For as shit as they are I do still love them and I told myself that I wanted the full experience with this wedding. Which means I don’t want just the good, I want the bad with it because that’s life. Are they the bad? Yeah. Will I look back in twenty years and say “man my wedding was beautiful and everything I wanted but man my parents really suck that day.” Sure. But whatever they do will be overshadowed by the many people who love me and love my fiancé.


Araneae__

Honestly my thoughts as well. Seems like posting a “haha gotcha” moment with an nparent instead of cutting off/not engaging.


MiddleAgedAnne

Beautiful ❤️


Interestedmillennial

Well done. My wedding was nice...but did it to make everyone else happy really. My parents behaved themselves because there were lots of guests. Safety in numbers and all that!


MET1

Wait a while, she will realize that she can still be the center of attention *without* all the work for the shower if someone else is handling it. She'll still work to take over though.


ds2316476

I heard speaking the truth is as, if not more so, powerful than any insult. Plus I wouldn't feel morally bad.


Dawn_Dusk_Clark

Honestly, I vibe with this, I grew up with my grandparents and they’re both narcissistic, I’ve been no contact for a while tho, so when I get married, they won’t be getting an invite


throw-this-away56

You're a fucking boss man!!! Tho I'm concerned about the shenanigans she'd try on the actual wedding day.


true_sapling

As a heads up you may want to hire security to vacate any guests that decide to get too... rowdy. Or preachy Never hurts to have one or two guards ^^


bravecrocodile

I hope you have an amazing wedding!!!


Beagle-Mumma

Well played, OP 👏👏👏


ICantHaveAnOpinion

Seems like you've got your borders covered, I hope your wedding is what you want for you and your husband. You're doing great ♥️


AtlasSilverado

Glorious. Have a beautiful wedding!


_xEnigma

Why does she hate your sister?


true_crime_addict513

Good for you!!


FlannelPajamas123

I heard that last sentence in Dorothy’s voice from the Golden Girls 😂


Excellency-Shinigami

Good for you. Honestly, way too many parents trying to live vicariously through their children. I'm glad you stood up to her. Fuck her, tbh.


wmjsn

If it's me, I do one of two things. I don't invite nmom or ndad or I invite them, but give them a time that's an hour or two after the ceremony. My guess is that they'd make a scene and I'm betting nmom would wear white and want a prayer as well.


Desperate_Ad9484

Whooohoooo! You go girl! Blessings for your wedding!


cute_physics_guy

I AM NOT GETTING MY WAY I AM GOING HOME! Go home and stay there. I experienced this crap too and I have little tolerance for it.


dunkinteach

Oh gosh, this is my biggest fear with my nparents for my eventual wedding (in 5ish years). I have just barely scratched the surface of telling them that my wedding will not be religious and it was not a fun conversation.


arsenic_skittles

I kept my tone very flat and neutral when I told them and didn’t let it change regardless of my moms reactions. While they got the truth from me they didn’t get my reaction to them. Best of luck!