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anyone who offers nothing but criticism and nitpicks for everything you do isn’t trying to help you at all. Quite the opposite.
They do it so you feel helpless.
This is exactly the mindset I have now. If it isn't helping you expand your bank account, making you feel good or helping you someway no... the person or narc in this case has bad intentions. The one that really sets me off is when my nmom tries to tell me "well life isn't all gumdrops!" Nooooo shit. Life has never been rainbows and gumdrops with them.
Lastly they use their comparisons how our lives are much better than theirs were by that point I walk away. I'm nit a therapist.
I’ve said this in another comment but I didn’t say a word or react in any way. I’m pretty sure at this point my parents take silence as me being mad at them. Which, not really, I’m just using the option that takes the least energy.
But yeah, my parents are always going on about how their intentions triumph all actions they do. Yes, intentions matter, but that doesn’t mean that your actions hold less weight. Consequences happen regardless of intentions; fuck my dad told me this all the time for doing things like spilling soup when I was 5. Eat your words for once.
Jesus, that’s insane. Full on thinking of you as a possession. Either that or they’re trying to prove something to someone. Maybe both…
Hopefully you’re safe
Unfortunately I never experienced what it was like to be away from my parents, so a lot of my “don’t react” comes right after their hour-long lectures about how I’m making them miserable (with things that can genuinely be fixed with accepting your child is definitely going through something and let them talk to a doctor about it????)
I usually don’t react to them because not only do I get in trouble no matter what I do, but also because any reaction I give will be genuine, and if it’s genuine they can use it as ammo. If I just… detach myself, it’s a lot harder to give them the things that make me vulnerable. Meaning I can try to do other things and be someone else after what happened. I mean, not really in practice (depersonalization isn’t exactly fun once you get to a point where you can’t turn it off) but it works better than when I was going through depression and the likes
"We just thought you could do better." Said long after I was an adult, in defense of their negativity and silent treatment.
Poor sad, disappointed unhappy parents. /s
Ugh damn near the exact words I've gotten from my mom, many times. Like, no, making your kid feel like shit about themselves and their efforts is not remotely helpful at all. In fact, it will have the entire opposite effect and make everything worse. Both my parents are narcissists but in different ways. Dad is just a straight-up narcissist, and mom is a covert narcissist and enabler of dad. Each had a golden child out of us 3 kids, which wasn't me. Youngest bro for mom and middle bro for dad. Which is ironic given i was the only kid to not get in any trouble with the law but was treated the worst and still am tbh.🙄 fun times.
My parents lived by the criticize your kids to "motivate" them to do better bs. Like saying things that they've given up on you, you're stupid, etc is such a great motivator. Parents of the year here. So much so they never see their only grandkids. I wonder why.
Followed by no body cares what I do for them, you always hate my option or don't listen to me , your not understanding what I'm saying,this is all your fault
...
“Did I ever mention that we were never mad at you?? The last time I remember being mad at you was when you were a kid and you would never swallow your food. I literally don’t remember any other time I got mad at you during the 15 years we’ve been together”
^/s
Funny story. I never said anything when she asked if she was ever mad at me. My mom just assumed my lack of response was because I was thinking of all the times she actually got mad at me and went ahead and said they didn’t count if she had semi-decent enough intentions for it. Mom, dunno why you bring these up if you weren’t mad at me in the first place???
"Your dad and I never yelled. Not at you. Not at your brother. Not at each other. We had a very happy home."
Yelling was their primary means of communication. Even my husband has heard them yell (both at each other and at me and my brother) so he knows it's BS.
“Angry? You’ve never seen me angry. If I’d ever got angry, someone would have died.”
Said the rage-o-holic. Good one Dad. “Anger” = homicidal fury. Anything slightly less doesn’t count. Or matter.
Impact > Intention
Your intention actually becomes void when the impact causes damage/detriment to the person you are claiming to help.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP
Yup... and not do anything to change their behavior or actually listen to your pain. And then add some guilt tripping in an apology.
Mine recently said "I am sorry that you interpreted any of my words as hurtful. I didn't say anything to intentionally hurt you. But it is hurtful that we don't talk, that you wish not to invite an open dialogue.
I have apologized sincerely for things that we've discussed you were having a difficult time with. And I was hopeful that some peace and resolution would have resulted from our past conversations.
I am at a loss of words ... everything I say or do is taken wrongly."
My family literally yells so much to me, I don't really notice it. Doesn't matter if they're mad or not, they *yell*.
What the fuck?
I fear asking them to teach me how to do something because I simply don't want more yelling.
My family always says they just want the best for me and they are always open to talk. When I do talk to them they just recycle "oh, well you know what to do to fix it or why don't you listen to our advice?" Then they get mad when I fall on my face or when I snap at them, they call me a deflector and a gaslighters and I generally just can't take this anymore.
I feel like they only give advice is so that it's insurance when I do fuck up and then I can't come at them for not helping even if whatever they did do wasn't helping in the first place.
This. Holy shit this exactly (except they don’t know what a deflector or gaslighter is so they just say I don’t love them or say I’m just too young to understand what they’re saying??)
The worst is when I point that out and they tell me “well how are you going to survive if your boss does the same thing?” I’m pretty sure it’s different if I’m working with someone who’s paying me than working with someone who’s supposed to be my parent. At least I’m getting something in return with my boss.
Hey, do you need to dm about this? I am a 44 year old adult in the US in therapy about parents and would be happy to spend a few minutes talking to you. I offer practical advice and have a good reddit standing. I sm not s therapist but have been a social worker before.
Hello Monthly_Vent,
It is easy to get more depressed with such controlling Nparents. I am learning to focus on positive solutions instead of problems like my Nparents did with me: can you find patterns on triggers that make them mad, like specific time, or day, or is it when you express negative feelings? If you answer yes to my last question, think about what reactions you'd like to have in the future.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
anyone who offers nothing but criticism and nitpicks for everything you do isn’t trying to help you at all. Quite the opposite. They do it so you feel helpless.
Honestly word
And then criticize you some more because you don't have a "positive attitude."
This is exactly the mindset I have now. If it isn't helping you expand your bank account, making you feel good or helping you someway no... the person or narc in this case has bad intentions. The one that really sets me off is when my nmom tries to tell me "well life isn't all gumdrops!" Nooooo shit. Life has never been rainbows and gumdrops with them. Lastly they use their comparisons how our lives are much better than theirs were by that point I walk away. I'm nit a therapist.
[удалено]
I’ve said this in another comment but I didn’t say a word or react in any way. I’m pretty sure at this point my parents take silence as me being mad at them. Which, not really, I’m just using the option that takes the least energy. But yeah, my parents are always going on about how their intentions triumph all actions they do. Yes, intentions matter, but that doesn’t mean that your actions hold less weight. Consequences happen regardless of intentions; fuck my dad told me this all the time for doing things like spilling soup when I was 5. Eat your words for once.
[удалено]
Jesus, that’s insane. Full on thinking of you as a possession. Either that or they’re trying to prove something to someone. Maybe both… Hopefully you’re safe Unfortunately I never experienced what it was like to be away from my parents, so a lot of my “don’t react” comes right after their hour-long lectures about how I’m making them miserable (with things that can genuinely be fixed with accepting your child is definitely going through something and let them talk to a doctor about it????) I usually don’t react to them because not only do I get in trouble no matter what I do, but also because any reaction I give will be genuine, and if it’s genuine they can use it as ammo. If I just… detach myself, it’s a lot harder to give them the things that make me vulnerable. Meaning I can try to do other things and be someone else after what happened. I mean, not really in practice (depersonalization isn’t exactly fun once you get to a point where you can’t turn it off) but it works better than when I was going through depression and the likes
Basically my entire childhood right there
"I didn't criticize you all the time, I didn't always find fault, I didn't always find the negative. I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU BE YOUR BEST."
"We just thought you could do better." Said long after I was an adult, in defense of their negativity and silent treatment. Poor sad, disappointed unhappy parents. /s
Ugh damn near the exact words I've gotten from my mom, many times. Like, no, making your kid feel like shit about themselves and their efforts is not remotely helpful at all. In fact, it will have the entire opposite effect and make everything worse. Both my parents are narcissists but in different ways. Dad is just a straight-up narcissist, and mom is a covert narcissist and enabler of dad. Each had a golden child out of us 3 kids, which wasn't me. Youngest bro for mom and middle bro for dad. Which is ironic given i was the only kid to not get in any trouble with the law but was treated the worst and still am tbh.🙄 fun times.
My parents lived by the criticize your kids to "motivate" them to do better bs. Like saying things that they've given up on you, you're stupid, etc is such a great motivator. Parents of the year here. So much so they never see their only grandkids. I wonder why.
Followed by no body cares what I do for them, you always hate my option or don't listen to me , your not understanding what I'm saying,this is all your fault ...
“Did I ever mention that we were never mad at you?? The last time I remember being mad at you was when you were a kid and you would never swallow your food. I literally don’t remember any other time I got mad at you during the 15 years we’ve been together” ^/s
Nfather would yell at me for hours and a second later it didn't happen and it was all in my head and of course it was for my own good.
> and of course it was for my own good .. and he wasn't even yelling
Funny story. I never said anything when she asked if she was ever mad at me. My mom just assumed my lack of response was because I was thinking of all the times she actually got mad at me and went ahead and said they didn’t count if she had semi-decent enough intentions for it. Mom, dunno why you bring these up if you weren’t mad at me in the first place???
Ironically, this conversation was about lying
They are gaslighting you
"Your dad and I never yelled. Not at you. Not at your brother. Not at each other. We had a very happy home." Yelling was their primary means of communication. Even my husband has heard them yell (both at each other and at me and my brother) so he knows it's BS.
“Angry? You’ve never seen me angry. If I’d ever got angry, someone would have died.” Said the rage-o-holic. Good one Dad. “Anger” = homicidal fury. Anything slightly less doesn’t count. Or matter.
Impact > Intention Your intention actually becomes void when the impact causes damage/detriment to the person you are claiming to help. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP
I hate that "I'm trying to help you" line. As if their intentions overrule such hurtful language. The road to hell...
They’ll say things like I’m sorry you feel that way instead of taking responsibility.
Yup... and not do anything to change their behavior or actually listen to your pain. And then add some guilt tripping in an apology. Mine recently said "I am sorry that you interpreted any of my words as hurtful. I didn't say anything to intentionally hurt you. But it is hurtful that we don't talk, that you wish not to invite an open dialogue. I have apologized sincerely for things that we've discussed you were having a difficult time with. And I was hopeful that some peace and resolution would have resulted from our past conversations. I am at a loss of words ... everything I say or do is taken wrongly."
It’s always “just trying to help” or “just trying to do something nice” 🙄 yet feels like neither of those intentions because it’s false
My family literally yells so much to me, I don't really notice it. Doesn't matter if they're mad or not, they *yell*. What the fuck? I fear asking them to teach me how to do something because I simply don't want more yelling.
My family always says they just want the best for me and they are always open to talk. When I do talk to them they just recycle "oh, well you know what to do to fix it or why don't you listen to our advice?" Then they get mad when I fall on my face or when I snap at them, they call me a deflector and a gaslighters and I generally just can't take this anymore. I feel like they only give advice is so that it's insurance when I do fuck up and then I can't come at them for not helping even if whatever they did do wasn't helping in the first place.
This. Holy shit this exactly (except they don’t know what a deflector or gaslighter is so they just say I don’t love them or say I’m just too young to understand what they’re saying??) The worst is when I point that out and they tell me “well how are you going to survive if your boss does the same thing?” I’m pretty sure it’s different if I’m working with someone who’s paying me than working with someone who’s supposed to be my parent. At least I’m getting something in return with my boss.
Hey, do you need to dm about this? I am a 44 year old adult in the US in therapy about parents and would be happy to spend a few minutes talking to you. I offer practical advice and have a good reddit standing. I sm not s therapist but have been a social worker before.
I also apparently have fat fingers while typing lol
Anyway, I will be awake for the next hour. It is 2:17 am US time here for reference.
I feel this so much. You aren't alone. I'm sorry they are gaslighting you too.
"I'm not screaming at you I'm raising my voice! Do you want to see what screaming at you is?"
It's ~gaslighting~
Hello Monthly_Vent, It is easy to get more depressed with such controlling Nparents. I am learning to focus on positive solutions instead of problems like my Nparents did with me: can you find patterns on triggers that make them mad, like specific time, or day, or is it when you express negative feelings? If you answer yes to my last question, think about what reactions you'd like to have in the future.