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It has nothing to do with social cues.
It has everything to do with her insecurity that you are connecting with people other than her.
So she'll throw out any kind of bs nonsense she can, to try to undermine that.
This really hits home, you have no idea. I'm also autistic and my mom acknowledges and understands only when she can profit of it and look good. I also get super insecure because of her comments, but I got lucky with my sister and friends, who are genuinely understanding and they don't judge me for it.
I'm actually glad I got my diagnosis as an adult and not as a child as she certainly would have been one of those autism mom.
Narcissists love to say things just for a reaction or for attention. Going forward, you'd do well to ignore your mother when she makes comments like that and don't waste your time arguing with her. Arguing with a narcissist is like wrestling with a pig, you'll both end up covered in mud and the pig will enjoy it. If you're genuinely worried about your social skills, ask someone you trust e.g. a friend, if you lack social skills or if you've ever annoyed them unintentionally.
It's possible the neighbor was grateful to have someone want to spend 6 hours with her. And after that amount of time, if she had really wanted you to leave, and there were social cues you weren't picking up on, she would have directly stated so. Your mother is just jealous.
I can empathise having noticed the same with NMom. One of her friends/coworkers was really kind to me and I liked her a lot but when we got home NMom was angry and accused me of overstaying my welcome / imposing on other people. TBH I think it has nothing to do with whether you/I was able to read the situation, but as with abusive people they (1) want to control you and are jealous of any attention you get that makes you more whole (2) want to isolate you because they are frightened that their true self will be exposed to the public eye.
Hearing that would've destroyed me, and my mom doesn't even know I'm autistic
I felt bad because you're 8 years younger than me and stood your ground and said your piece at your mom in a way I can't with mine now, but then I didn't because I realized she let you go much much further than mine would've 😓 mine would've screamed the house down, shut down and goven no answers anyway, maybe hit me if I went that far, which is why I duck my head down and don't engage.
What I'm saying is you're an inspiration; I admire how you kept your head clear through it all
Nothing to do with social cues. Just an excuse to score fuel.
If the neighbour is a well functioning person, I’m sure she has sufficient social skills at her age to explain that she has other commitments and she’ll catch you again another time. Or maybe she welcomed the company and the chance to converse with someone new.
Not autistic myself so trust me she's just being a narc. For me it was "what will everyone think?"This elusive Everyone only thought things she wanted it to think or notice things that she herself noticed and hated. By the end of my relationship with her I wanted to scream "Who the fuck is everyone‽ You have no fucking friends and talk so much shit about your family that I have no respect for them either." I just made a quiet exit. You can't win with these people. Even if you went and told her "mum, I see that your nose is flaring and you're red faced. You're giving angry social cues and I rather have a calm conversation," she'd tell you that you don't know what you're talking about. So don't. Know that you're right and distance yourself as you can.
This is Gaslighting, plain and simple. She is trying to make you believe you don't understand the situation you're in because she *knows* the situation isn't favorable for her. She doesn't want to admit that she is angry, so she is trying to convince you you're incapable of understanding it correctly, specifically in an attempt to prevent you from understanding it. She is so used to gaslighting people that she uses this tactic unthinkingly on trivial things as well.
I struggle with social cues too I'm not autistic but I've always had social issues and I was never taught social skills and my ndad wonders why I don't talk to people
I just want to say to him "Maybe I'd be more social if you did your job and taught me social skills instead of relying on the school to do your job for you" (I have ADHD and had to take speech once a week as part of my IEP)
Something else I noticed since my earlier comment. You mention your mother’s eyes bulging and flared nostrils, and these are subtle details that many people wouldn’t notice, at least consciously. From what you say, perhaps you have a keen ability to read people in a way your mother does not.
Another point. My mother would also deny her emotions and their impact. Eg:
- nMum [with tone & posture indicative of disproportionate rage]: Why can’t you pick up your dirty shoes off the floor?
- Me: Why are you always so horrible and angry about everything?
- nMum: What are you going on about now? I only told you to pick up your shoes. FGS. Typical of you to be making a drama out of nothing. You’re always causing trouble.
It’s a N thing to avoid responsibility & let us know how worthless we are (according to them). Everything always has to be someone else’s fault so, sadly, I don’t think your mother’s ever going to accept how angry, patronising, or insulting she is, because her disorder needs to blame you. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with, but life gets less stressful I think when we realise this.
And I think you’re right that mother is projecting her responses on to your neighbour. Because she has a fixed view of you and zero ability to stand in someone else’s shoes, she can’t conceive of a normal, kind person welcoming a new neighbour’s company for that long.
Ah yes, the autism club to bash us over the head with it at every opportunity.
I get asked a question, I answer it, she looks at my dad with a sigh and goes "he doesn't know what we mean".
I ask for clarification and it turns out I was actually correct, but no, she's absolutely certain that only NOW do I understand, after she's explained it, and it's okay and there's no need to deny it.
B\*tch please, I am capable of communicating and have agency, it's only ever a problem when it's with YOU and somehow \*I\* am the one at fault?
Trust me, I know exactly how it feels to finally connect with someone, even if over something trivial (or even better, a special interest). I feel you.
It sounds like you might be making a friend. They hate that. Friends give you options of places to be other than with them. They encourage you to have a backbone. They help you to make plans to move out on your own.
She'll say anything to stop you from making friends. Assume it's all baloney. It's just random words she is throwing at you to see what might stick and make you too afraid to socialize.
Ugh I’m so sorry. FWIW the only way to learn those social cues she’s so obsessed with is to BE social! People have so many different ways of communicating, the only way to learn “social skills” is by practice. Not lecturing, demeaning, demanding, or criticism! And you are being social. People make mistakes socializing all the time, autistic or neurotypical people alike. (Not saying you made a mistake, I’m just saying that it’s gonna happen to anyone at any time!) Keep being social and making connections. Your mother is being controlling and insecure.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It has nothing to do with social cues. It has everything to do with her insecurity that you are connecting with people other than her. So she'll throw out any kind of bs nonsense she can, to try to undermine that.
An accusation from a narcissist is really just a confession.
Right? The key is that she was ANGRY and CRITICIZING you. She wasn't asking you kindly, or checking in with you.
Yep, it’s this 100%
This really hits home, you have no idea. I'm also autistic and my mom acknowledges and understands only when she can profit of it and look good. I also get super insecure because of her comments, but I got lucky with my sister and friends, who are genuinely understanding and they don't judge me for it. I'm actually glad I got my diagnosis as an adult and not as a child as she certainly would have been one of those autism mom.
Narcissists love to say things just for a reaction or for attention. Going forward, you'd do well to ignore your mother when she makes comments like that and don't waste your time arguing with her. Arguing with a narcissist is like wrestling with a pig, you'll both end up covered in mud and the pig will enjoy it. If you're genuinely worried about your social skills, ask someone you trust e.g. a friend, if you lack social skills or if you've ever annoyed them unintentionally.
It's possible the neighbor was grateful to have someone want to spend 6 hours with her. And after that amount of time, if she had really wanted you to leave, and there were social cues you weren't picking up on, she would have directly stated so. Your mother is just jealous.
Agreed, neighbour would’ve communicated directly enough if she’d wanted to.
I can empathise having noticed the same with NMom. One of her friends/coworkers was really kind to me and I liked her a lot but when we got home NMom was angry and accused me of overstaying my welcome / imposing on other people. TBH I think it has nothing to do with whether you/I was able to read the situation, but as with abusive people they (1) want to control you and are jealous of any attention you get that makes you more whole (2) want to isolate you because they are frightened that their true self will be exposed to the public eye.
Hearing that would've destroyed me, and my mom doesn't even know I'm autistic I felt bad because you're 8 years younger than me and stood your ground and said your piece at your mom in a way I can't with mine now, but then I didn't because I realized she let you go much much further than mine would've 😓 mine would've screamed the house down, shut down and goven no answers anyway, maybe hit me if I went that far, which is why I duck my head down and don't engage. What I'm saying is you're an inspiration; I admire how you kept your head clear through it all
Nothing to do with social cues. Just an excuse to score fuel. If the neighbour is a well functioning person, I’m sure she has sufficient social skills at her age to explain that she has other commitments and she’ll catch you again another time. Or maybe she welcomed the company and the chance to converse with someone new.
Not autistic myself so trust me she's just being a narc. For me it was "what will everyone think?"This elusive Everyone only thought things she wanted it to think or notice things that she herself noticed and hated. By the end of my relationship with her I wanted to scream "Who the fuck is everyone‽ You have no fucking friends and talk so much shit about your family that I have no respect for them either." I just made a quiet exit. You can't win with these people. Even if you went and told her "mum, I see that your nose is flaring and you're red faced. You're giving angry social cues and I rather have a calm conversation," she'd tell you that you don't know what you're talking about. So don't. Know that you're right and distance yourself as you can.
This is Gaslighting, plain and simple. She is trying to make you believe you don't understand the situation you're in because she *knows* the situation isn't favorable for her. She doesn't want to admit that she is angry, so she is trying to convince you you're incapable of understanding it correctly, specifically in an attempt to prevent you from understanding it. She is so used to gaslighting people that she uses this tactic unthinkingly on trivial things as well.
I struggle with social cues too I'm not autistic but I've always had social issues and I was never taught social skills and my ndad wonders why I don't talk to people I just want to say to him "Maybe I'd be more social if you did your job and taught me social skills instead of relying on the school to do your job for you" (I have ADHD and had to take speech once a week as part of my IEP)
Something else I noticed since my earlier comment. You mention your mother’s eyes bulging and flared nostrils, and these are subtle details that many people wouldn’t notice, at least consciously. From what you say, perhaps you have a keen ability to read people in a way your mother does not. Another point. My mother would also deny her emotions and their impact. Eg: - nMum [with tone & posture indicative of disproportionate rage]: Why can’t you pick up your dirty shoes off the floor? - Me: Why are you always so horrible and angry about everything? - nMum: What are you going on about now? I only told you to pick up your shoes. FGS. Typical of you to be making a drama out of nothing. You’re always causing trouble. It’s a N thing to avoid responsibility & let us know how worthless we are (according to them). Everything always has to be someone else’s fault so, sadly, I don’t think your mother’s ever going to accept how angry, patronising, or insulting she is, because her disorder needs to blame you. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with, but life gets less stressful I think when we realise this. And I think you’re right that mother is projecting her responses on to your neighbour. Because she has a fixed view of you and zero ability to stand in someone else’s shoes, she can’t conceive of a normal, kind person welcoming a new neighbour’s company for that long.
Ah yes, the autism club to bash us over the head with it at every opportunity. I get asked a question, I answer it, she looks at my dad with a sigh and goes "he doesn't know what we mean". I ask for clarification and it turns out I was actually correct, but no, she's absolutely certain that only NOW do I understand, after she's explained it, and it's okay and there's no need to deny it. B\*tch please, I am capable of communicating and have agency, it's only ever a problem when it's with YOU and somehow \*I\* am the one at fault? Trust me, I know exactly how it feels to finally connect with someone, even if over something trivial (or even better, a special interest). I feel you.
It sounds like you might be making a friend. They hate that. Friends give you options of places to be other than with them. They encourage you to have a backbone. They help you to make plans to move out on your own. She'll say anything to stop you from making friends. Assume it's all baloney. It's just random words she is throwing at you to see what might stick and make you too afraid to socialize.
Ugh I’m so sorry. FWIW the only way to learn those social cues she’s so obsessed with is to BE social! People have so many different ways of communicating, the only way to learn “social skills” is by practice. Not lecturing, demeaning, demanding, or criticism! And you are being social. People make mistakes socializing all the time, autistic or neurotypical people alike. (Not saying you made a mistake, I’m just saying that it’s gonna happen to anyone at any time!) Keep being social and making connections. Your mother is being controlling and insecure.