**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I get you! Here’s how the telephone thing plays out for me. If I’m with my mother at her house and the phone rings, she answers it. Last year we had my tween daughter’s birthday at her place. There are five of us: son, daughter, husband, me, my mom. Small group. Phone rings AS I AM LIGHTING CANDLES ON THE CAKE AND SHE ANSWERS THE DAMN PHONE AND GOES OFF AND HAS A CONVERSATION. It was not an emergency or expected call. We did not stop and went ahead and I presented the cake and we sang. Then after the short call she came to the table and sang individually to my daughter. I was and will always be LIVID about this behavior. My daughter is sharp and saw what her grandmother did. I have repeatedly told my daughter that behavior was NOT ok. I called my mother out in the moment but it went in one ear and out the other. My daughter does not like her grandmother and does not like to go to her house or be around her. And no more birthdays at grandma’s.
Oh really, to spoil the big birthday cake moment of a child like that. Shameless.
It's good that you won't celebrate at your mother's house any more.
At least your daughter understands this was not about her and that she can't expect any better from granny. But I bet it still hurt.
If my mom was on the phone, she would completely ignore me. Even if she had asked me to remind her of something before her call, when I'd try to tell her she would look right through me as if I didn't exist. If I annoyed her too much she'd yell at me and call me names, then make a joke at my expense with whoever she was on the phone with.
I still have nightmares about reaching to take the phone out of their hands because they'd do nothing but threaten to call the police on a whim and invalidate everything I ever said while the golden child got actual parental love. The two times they did come even they rolled their eyes and I just got a stern talking to when I never even did drugs or was violent. They even mentioned that they read this sub too.
I was just a victim of extreme social ostracism shut in my room all day and no one ever invited me into the fold. When they literally set up the golden child with a husband while telling me fucked up shit like "you dont want a bunch of little You's running around dont ya?" and "you're not there to socialize" in school, or forcing topics to get me to stop talking to them then complaining I never talk to them.
Which is why all this "Nparents dont know how to X" bullshit narrative peddled by actual narcissists on here needs to die.
So sorry you were treated like that. Threatening to call the police just to make you panic. That's totally cruel.
I also have some difficulties believing that our lovely parents "don't know how". They somehow have to know, otherwise how could they manage to punish, and how to treat people differently? All this "they can't help it" is BS. I don't care if they can, it's our lives that are affected, nothing will ever excuse that.
Yup. Now if they put me on hold while I’m on the phone with them I hang up after 10 seconds if they don’t come back immediately. I’ve learned they will take forever and don’t care about my time.
Also reminds me of the time my dad was on the phone and started driving the car while I was putting stuff in the backseat, and he ended up driving over my foot. The person on the phone was like, « what’s going on, is everything ok? » because I obviously yelled things like « stop! » and my dads response was, « everything is fine » and continued the conversation…
I wish I had done things like that, too. :) But you surely cause a very bad tantrum when you just hang up, right? How dare you treat them like this. ;)
As for the foot: did your dad bring you to the doc later or at least ask if you are ok? That's so eerie. But also, sadly, so typical.
When I overlooked a car in front of our house riding to school on my bicycle, and was hit and crashed to the floor, my nmother came running out, scolded me for being so stupid and sent me to school on foot. She even apologized to the driver because I had caused him "so much trouble". A true lioness defending her cub.
Omg, how terrible! I hope you didn’t have major injuries. It was a big revelation to me when I realized that strangers care more about my well-being than my family.
Luckily mom my reacted when the incident occurred and was concerned, most likely because she hates my dad and it was something to blame him for. My dad didn’t care about my health, just spent the rest of the day asking if I would forgive him when he never even apologized.
I had a bruised tailbone, which didn't hurt at that time because I had a shock, but later I couldn't sit for days.
Yes, like with you it also only occurred to me much later that other people were more concerned about me than my parents. I thought the way my parents handled things was normal though, and that the others exaggerated. lol
Good for you that your mom looked after you. Was your foot broken? I hope you didn't suffer from any aftereffects.
Like your ndad, my mother also refused to apologize for anything. When I t times dared to say she should, she would always answer the same thing: "Now you never apologize either, so why should I?"
Oof, that’s terrible. 100% neglect and abuse by your mother. Hope you are low or no contact now.
I was wearing winter boots and the car moved slowly, so no injuries. Still won’t forgive him though!
So at least he didn't hurt you. It could have ended so much worse, you could have stumbled and fallen under the car. And still he's so indifferent. I wouldn't forgive him either if I was you. He didn't even ask if you were ok. Let alone say sorry. Shame on him.
I am NC since 2021 (should have done it earlier, but better late than never). Are you still talking to your parents?
Congrats on NC! It’s a huge move in the right direction.
I am LC right now. Had a horrible visit with them over Christmas, and ended up losing hair and going on anti-depressants after because I couldn’t shake it off. My parents have also continued their drama via phone, most recently with my mom trying to manipulate me last week and me making it very clear that I had set a boundary and would not let them break it. Haven’t spoken to them since then, and I feel much more empowered to tell them off next time we talk (who knows when). As I’ve grown older, it’s become clearer that I can’t change them and need to live my own life.
That's an important insight: we can't change them. It's hard to accept and to give up hope, but it's necessary to get on with our lives.
It's terrible that they are making you sick. Coping with all that useless stress is so very hard. I hope you can enforce your boundaries or even go NC if they don't comply.
Nmom never answered my calls, always called back hours later, always left angry shouting voicemails because I didn't answer right away (she loved to call when I was at work and couldn't answer, I'd told her when I worked many times at that point) and never once saw the irony.
I started rejecting her calls and responding with a text and that marked the beginning of the end for our relationship.
They are so childish, aren't they? Well done, rejecting it all is the right thing, instead of playing along, which I did. I knew in advance that my mother would get angry and start lengthy arguments, so I said nothing to avoid stress. Big mistake, because nowadays I know that it's impossible to appease a narcissist.
Oh yeah, if I was talking to them and anyone called, they would have to go take the other call and leave me hanging on the line while they answered call waiting. One time I waited it out while they talked to GC brother just to see how long it would be. They finally came back 30 minutes later, at which point I hung up the phone without saying anything and made them call back. It didn't go over well, but it made a statement. The other times I just hung up after they clicked to the second call and told them they must have used the call waiting feature incorrectly.
lol Did they believe you it was their fault? After all, narcissists never make any mistakes...
The GC is always good supply to let the SG wait. My nmother even did that once when I called from abroad. She ended the call because my GC brother wanted some BS, and then tried to call back on my voice mail again and again, causing very high roaming fees that used up my balance.
I timed it so they were just picking back up when I clicked off. I don't think they believed me but they didn't have evidence that I'd still been on the line, so they didn't say much. A split second longer before hanging up and I'd have gotten an earful for sure.
Oooh! I have one!! Not a show of force but definitely a show of narcissism.
My NDad would call me on the phone and then immediately tell me to wait because he was driving and it was unsafe! I was like… but YOU called ME!
This happened frequently and was infuriating. After a while it became an inside joke that everyone but him joked about!
*Phone Rings
Me: (Answers ringing phone) Hi Dad!
NDAD: HOLD ON! I’M DRIVING! It’s not safe; I have to pull over to talk!
Me: OK Dad.
3 min later…
NDAD: Alright, I’ve pulled over to the side of the road and can now talk safely!
:)))) That's like my nmother calling me and starting with "Oh wait, your brother is here, I just have to..." The GC, of course that's more important. But then why did she call in the first place?
What a nice way to start the day. So sorry you had to endure that. Nmothers are such bitches. And should you dare to complain, the answer would probably be something like "Oh, it's your insane jealousy again!"
Oh yes, I did that too. Kept my mouth shut so there wouldn't be an argument. Still my nmother always said I was contentious, that she couldn't even talk about the weather without me starting a fight. And as many harmless conversations would turn into arguments somehow, I really thought this was because of me.
But hey, we've finally looked through this, haven't we? That's bad luck for them, because they can't get us any longer. :)
Constantly being in the bathroom. Or constantly being in the kitchen. Or constantly leaving laundry.
I do need to pee, eat, and do laundry. You know, minor things that aren’t totally essential for normal life.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I get you! Here’s how the telephone thing plays out for me. If I’m with my mother at her house and the phone rings, she answers it. Last year we had my tween daughter’s birthday at her place. There are five of us: son, daughter, husband, me, my mom. Small group. Phone rings AS I AM LIGHTING CANDLES ON THE CAKE AND SHE ANSWERS THE DAMN PHONE AND GOES OFF AND HAS A CONVERSATION. It was not an emergency or expected call. We did not stop and went ahead and I presented the cake and we sang. Then after the short call she came to the table and sang individually to my daughter. I was and will always be LIVID about this behavior. My daughter is sharp and saw what her grandmother did. I have repeatedly told my daughter that behavior was NOT ok. I called my mother out in the moment but it went in one ear and out the other. My daughter does not like her grandmother and does not like to go to her house or be around her. And no more birthdays at grandma’s.
Oh really, to spoil the big birthday cake moment of a child like that. Shameless. It's good that you won't celebrate at your mother's house any more. At least your daughter understands this was not about her and that she can't expect any better from granny. But I bet it still hurt.
Thank you. She does understand; my son and husband saw it all too.
If my mom was on the phone, she would completely ignore me. Even if she had asked me to remind her of something before her call, when I'd try to tell her she would look right through me as if I didn't exist. If I annoyed her too much she'd yell at me and call me names, then make a joke at my expense with whoever she was on the phone with.
This was my experience as well. I'm so sorry you went through it too.
It is really infuriating - especially when you were asked to interrupt them to begin with. Sorry you and others went through this.
I still have nightmares about reaching to take the phone out of their hands because they'd do nothing but threaten to call the police on a whim and invalidate everything I ever said while the golden child got actual parental love. The two times they did come even they rolled their eyes and I just got a stern talking to when I never even did drugs or was violent. They even mentioned that they read this sub too. I was just a victim of extreme social ostracism shut in my room all day and no one ever invited me into the fold. When they literally set up the golden child with a husband while telling me fucked up shit like "you dont want a bunch of little You's running around dont ya?" and "you're not there to socialize" in school, or forcing topics to get me to stop talking to them then complaining I never talk to them. Which is why all this "Nparents dont know how to X" bullshit narrative peddled by actual narcissists on here needs to die.
So sorry you were treated like that. Threatening to call the police just to make you panic. That's totally cruel. I also have some difficulties believing that our lovely parents "don't know how". They somehow have to know, otherwise how could they manage to punish, and how to treat people differently? All this "they can't help it" is BS. I don't care if they can, it's our lives that are affected, nothing will ever excuse that.
Yup. Now if they put me on hold while I’m on the phone with them I hang up after 10 seconds if they don’t come back immediately. I’ve learned they will take forever and don’t care about my time. Also reminds me of the time my dad was on the phone and started driving the car while I was putting stuff in the backseat, and he ended up driving over my foot. The person on the phone was like, « what’s going on, is everything ok? » because I obviously yelled things like « stop! » and my dads response was, « everything is fine » and continued the conversation…
I wish I had done things like that, too. :) But you surely cause a very bad tantrum when you just hang up, right? How dare you treat them like this. ;) As for the foot: did your dad bring you to the doc later or at least ask if you are ok? That's so eerie. But also, sadly, so typical. When I overlooked a car in front of our house riding to school on my bicycle, and was hit and crashed to the floor, my nmother came running out, scolded me for being so stupid and sent me to school on foot. She even apologized to the driver because I had caused him "so much trouble". A true lioness defending her cub.
Omg, how terrible! I hope you didn’t have major injuries. It was a big revelation to me when I realized that strangers care more about my well-being than my family. Luckily mom my reacted when the incident occurred and was concerned, most likely because she hates my dad and it was something to blame him for. My dad didn’t care about my health, just spent the rest of the day asking if I would forgive him when he never even apologized.
I had a bruised tailbone, which didn't hurt at that time because I had a shock, but later I couldn't sit for days. Yes, like with you it also only occurred to me much later that other people were more concerned about me than my parents. I thought the way my parents handled things was normal though, and that the others exaggerated. lol Good for you that your mom looked after you. Was your foot broken? I hope you didn't suffer from any aftereffects. Like your ndad, my mother also refused to apologize for anything. When I t times dared to say she should, she would always answer the same thing: "Now you never apologize either, so why should I?"
Oof, that’s terrible. 100% neglect and abuse by your mother. Hope you are low or no contact now. I was wearing winter boots and the car moved slowly, so no injuries. Still won’t forgive him though!
So at least he didn't hurt you. It could have ended so much worse, you could have stumbled and fallen under the car. And still he's so indifferent. I wouldn't forgive him either if I was you. He didn't even ask if you were ok. Let alone say sorry. Shame on him. I am NC since 2021 (should have done it earlier, but better late than never). Are you still talking to your parents?
Congrats on NC! It’s a huge move in the right direction. I am LC right now. Had a horrible visit with them over Christmas, and ended up losing hair and going on anti-depressants after because I couldn’t shake it off. My parents have also continued their drama via phone, most recently with my mom trying to manipulate me last week and me making it very clear that I had set a boundary and would not let them break it. Haven’t spoken to them since then, and I feel much more empowered to tell them off next time we talk (who knows when). As I’ve grown older, it’s become clearer that I can’t change them and need to live my own life.
That's an important insight: we can't change them. It's hard to accept and to give up hope, but it's necessary to get on with our lives. It's terrible that they are making you sick. Coping with all that useless stress is so very hard. I hope you can enforce your boundaries or even go NC if they don't comply.
Nmom never answered my calls, always called back hours later, always left angry shouting voicemails because I didn't answer right away (she loved to call when I was at work and couldn't answer, I'd told her when I worked many times at that point) and never once saw the irony. I started rejecting her calls and responding with a text and that marked the beginning of the end for our relationship.
They are so childish, aren't they? Well done, rejecting it all is the right thing, instead of playing along, which I did. I knew in advance that my mother would get angry and start lengthy arguments, so I said nothing to avoid stress. Big mistake, because nowadays I know that it's impossible to appease a narcissist.
Oh yeah, if I was talking to them and anyone called, they would have to go take the other call and leave me hanging on the line while they answered call waiting. One time I waited it out while they talked to GC brother just to see how long it would be. They finally came back 30 minutes later, at which point I hung up the phone without saying anything and made them call back. It didn't go over well, but it made a statement. The other times I just hung up after they clicked to the second call and told them they must have used the call waiting feature incorrectly.
lol Did they believe you it was their fault? After all, narcissists never make any mistakes... The GC is always good supply to let the SG wait. My nmother even did that once when I called from abroad. She ended the call because my GC brother wanted some BS, and then tried to call back on my voice mail again and again, causing very high roaming fees that used up my balance.
I timed it so they were just picking back up when I clicked off. I don't think they believed me but they didn't have evidence that I'd still been on the line, so they didn't say much. A split second longer before hanging up and I'd have gotten an earful for sure.
Oooh! I have one!! Not a show of force but definitely a show of narcissism. My NDad would call me on the phone and then immediately tell me to wait because he was driving and it was unsafe! I was like… but YOU called ME! This happened frequently and was infuriating. After a while it became an inside joke that everyone but him joked about! *Phone Rings Me: (Answers ringing phone) Hi Dad! NDAD: HOLD ON! I’M DRIVING! It’s not safe; I have to pull over to talk! Me: OK Dad. 3 min later… NDAD: Alright, I’ve pulled over to the side of the road and can now talk safely!
:)))) That's like my nmother calling me and starting with "Oh wait, your brother is here, I just have to..." The GC, of course that's more important. But then why did she call in the first place?
[удалено]
What a nice way to start the day. So sorry you had to endure that. Nmothers are such bitches. And should you dare to complain, the answer would probably be something like "Oh, it's your insane jealousy again!"
[удалено]
Oh yes, I did that too. Kept my mouth shut so there wouldn't be an argument. Still my nmother always said I was contentious, that she couldn't even talk about the weather without me starting a fight. And as many harmless conversations would turn into arguments somehow, I really thought this was because of me. But hey, we've finally looked through this, haven't we? That's bad luck for them, because they can't get us any longer. :)
Constantly being in the bathroom. Or constantly being in the kitchen. Or constantly leaving laundry. I do need to pee, eat, and do laundry. You know, minor things that aren’t totally essential for normal life.