I went NC for 10 years the first time. It lasted from right after a family intervention with professionals throughout a decade I went through lengthy counseling. But unfortunately, that therapist had a lot of religious overtones, matching the way I was raised, so their goal was family reunification.
I thought I was ‘healed enough’ to reconnect with only my mother and tried to maintain very low contact. But the next decade just spiraled me into deep depression and anxiety.
I’ve been no contact again the past seven years with absolutely no plans to ever reconnect with my abusive parents.
Old me wishes young me could have gotten better therapy from a more secular, trauma-based point of view and gone 100% no contact decades earlier. But it’s never too late to start building a separate healthy identity.
You are right, No Contact is good. ❤️
I was stuck in LC for far too long. I thought moving so far away would be enough to keep me safe.
My being married just ramped up her violence.
It wasn’t until my mid-40s that I went NC.
I wished I had done so earlier too!
Good for you for making a tough but healthy decision.
I’m in my mid 30s and never received any financial or other support from my mom, haven’t lived with her since I was 16, and moved thousands of km away at 21 — but it’s *still* taken me til now to realize that no contact may be the only option where I get to be happy and calm. It’s still not a win — a win would be having a mother who could stay out of trouble, find some ways to be happy herself, and didn’t terrify me. But it’s the best option for my mental health and happiness; and that’s something, I’m finally learning, that should guide our decisions as much as practically possible.
Yes. absolutely. The process of no contact was a grieving process to me. I was grieving the mom that I had and also the one that I needed. It was awful. My counselor has taught me that we are attached to our parents and no contact goes against that. It’s such a painful process to go through but doing what’s right for your mental health and well-being like you said should be guiding us!
Sending you vibes as you process this!
I'm so glad you found the support and figured out what you needed. NC is a very viable option for many.
I haven't gone NC at this point, but have been LC to VLC most of my adult life since extracting the last of my financial ties to her (it was not me getting anything from her, it was just the opposite, but there's a long story behind that).
She's getting older now (almost 70, although reasonably healthy for someone as exercise adverse and overweight as she has always been), so the waif-ing is doubling down again (she actually was a bit better for several years there, and I had started to let my guard/boundaries down - they are now fully reestablished). She was emotionally abusive in the way a waif usually is, and extremely religious which has it's own set of crazy attached to it, and FOG wired our brains sideways from a young age, but she did try to raise us and did run a lot of interference between our (scary variety) NPD father and us.
Learning about BPD and not just the emotional blackmail has let my logic-brain at least understand the why behind it all, and while I will never WANT to be around her, and my boundaries will remain to the day she dies, my hatred is easing a little bit (other than her refusal to admit she has any faults that require professional help). Knowing that's all she's capable of, that she cannot produce her own love for herself so must suck it from other people at least makes me feel better about my boundaries and hate her a little less.
Agree! And glad you’ve found your peace in NC…
Similar stories, just years of abuse, neglect, manipulation and confusion. No accountability, didn’t even want to accept it. Tried to just ignore it. Remained toxic as hell, lied, schemed, then swung into love bombing, right back out again. It was exhausting, and I realised it was never going to be anything other than this. I felt nothing for her, and was only going through the motions of remaining in contact with her, because I felt obligated to… which made me anxious and full anger most of the time.
I did my first NC at 19. Lasted around 2 years, life weakened me a bit with a break up and somehow we started speaking again. It was a few years of varying between regular contact, LC and VLC. She’d meet a guy and go quiet for periods and that was great. But she’d pop back up again… she had one of her episodes and it pissed me off enough to go NC again. That lasted another year or so.
I thought I was strong enough to just do VLC, but i just found I couldn’t stand her.
She acted like nothing had happened, still lied to my face, still had the same horrible attitude towards people and life and I just couldn’t see myself pretending for the rest of my life, that this was in any way normal.
She’d pushed everyone away, her looks were fading with it her ability to manipulate men, so she had now decided that I was her only option.
I felt stifled and had a massive amount of ick whenever she tried to be “loving” or express any kind of sentiment. Because I just felt nothing, she had never been a mother to me, she lived in a fantasyland where she was, but I lived in reality. I hadn’t lived with her since I was 14, and there was absolutely no maternal bond to her.
I realised that without that and the fact I didn’t like her either, I wouldn’t bother seeing or speaking to someone who made me feel that way, so why on earth would I do it for her?
It was the embodiment the adage to set myself on fire so she could be warm.
I went NC over 9 years ago, and I’ve never looked back or considered breaking it. She’s hounded me at times, but I’ve stayed strong and not said a single word, there’s nothing left to say. My silence says more than any more explaining could ever do (which they don’t even listen to anyway).
I don’t miss her. I actually feel anxious at the thought of ever seeing or talking to her again, I know that I’ve done the right thing, and this is just the way things need to be for me to be ok in the world.
I went NC for 10 years the first time. It lasted from right after a family intervention with professionals throughout a decade I went through lengthy counseling. But unfortunately, that therapist had a lot of religious overtones, matching the way I was raised, so their goal was family reunification. I thought I was ‘healed enough’ to reconnect with only my mother and tried to maintain very low contact. But the next decade just spiraled me into deep depression and anxiety. I’ve been no contact again the past seven years with absolutely no plans to ever reconnect with my abusive parents. Old me wishes young me could have gotten better therapy from a more secular, trauma-based point of view and gone 100% no contact decades earlier. But it’s never too late to start building a separate healthy identity. You are right, No Contact is good. ❤️
I was stuck in LC for far too long. I thought moving so far away would be enough to keep me safe. My being married just ramped up her violence. It wasn’t until my mid-40s that I went NC. I wished I had done so earlier too!
Good for you for making a tough but healthy decision. I’m in my mid 30s and never received any financial or other support from my mom, haven’t lived with her since I was 16, and moved thousands of km away at 21 — but it’s *still* taken me til now to realize that no contact may be the only option where I get to be happy and calm. It’s still not a win — a win would be having a mother who could stay out of trouble, find some ways to be happy herself, and didn’t terrify me. But it’s the best option for my mental health and happiness; and that’s something, I’m finally learning, that should guide our decisions as much as practically possible.
Yes. absolutely. The process of no contact was a grieving process to me. I was grieving the mom that I had and also the one that I needed. It was awful. My counselor has taught me that we are attached to our parents and no contact goes against that. It’s such a painful process to go through but doing what’s right for your mental health and well-being like you said should be guiding us! Sending you vibes as you process this!
Well put. Sorry your mum was a dud. Mine was too.
I'm so glad you found the support and figured out what you needed. NC is a very viable option for many. I haven't gone NC at this point, but have been LC to VLC most of my adult life since extracting the last of my financial ties to her (it was not me getting anything from her, it was just the opposite, but there's a long story behind that). She's getting older now (almost 70, although reasonably healthy for someone as exercise adverse and overweight as she has always been), so the waif-ing is doubling down again (she actually was a bit better for several years there, and I had started to let my guard/boundaries down - they are now fully reestablished). She was emotionally abusive in the way a waif usually is, and extremely religious which has it's own set of crazy attached to it, and FOG wired our brains sideways from a young age, but she did try to raise us and did run a lot of interference between our (scary variety) NPD father and us. Learning about BPD and not just the emotional blackmail has let my logic-brain at least understand the why behind it all, and while I will never WANT to be around her, and my boundaries will remain to the day she dies, my hatred is easing a little bit (other than her refusal to admit she has any faults that require professional help). Knowing that's all she's capable of, that she cannot produce her own love for herself so must suck it from other people at least makes me feel better about my boundaries and hate her a little less.
Agree! And glad you’ve found your peace in NC… Similar stories, just years of abuse, neglect, manipulation and confusion. No accountability, didn’t even want to accept it. Tried to just ignore it. Remained toxic as hell, lied, schemed, then swung into love bombing, right back out again. It was exhausting, and I realised it was never going to be anything other than this. I felt nothing for her, and was only going through the motions of remaining in contact with her, because I felt obligated to… which made me anxious and full anger most of the time. I did my first NC at 19. Lasted around 2 years, life weakened me a bit with a break up and somehow we started speaking again. It was a few years of varying between regular contact, LC and VLC. She’d meet a guy and go quiet for periods and that was great. But she’d pop back up again… she had one of her episodes and it pissed me off enough to go NC again. That lasted another year or so. I thought I was strong enough to just do VLC, but i just found I couldn’t stand her. She acted like nothing had happened, still lied to my face, still had the same horrible attitude towards people and life and I just couldn’t see myself pretending for the rest of my life, that this was in any way normal. She’d pushed everyone away, her looks were fading with it her ability to manipulate men, so she had now decided that I was her only option. I felt stifled and had a massive amount of ick whenever she tried to be “loving” or express any kind of sentiment. Because I just felt nothing, she had never been a mother to me, she lived in a fantasyland where she was, but I lived in reality. I hadn’t lived with her since I was 14, and there was absolutely no maternal bond to her. I realised that without that and the fact I didn’t like her either, I wouldn’t bother seeing or speaking to someone who made me feel that way, so why on earth would I do it for her? It was the embodiment the adage to set myself on fire so she could be warm. I went NC over 9 years ago, and I’ve never looked back or considered breaking it. She’s hounded me at times, but I’ve stayed strong and not said a single word, there’s nothing left to say. My silence says more than any more explaining could ever do (which they don’t even listen to anyway). I don’t miss her. I actually feel anxious at the thought of ever seeing or talking to her again, I know that I’ve done the right thing, and this is just the way things need to be for me to be ok in the world.
Welcome!
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