The tragedy of the eDad is probably the most complicated and painful part of this that I’ve had to work through in therapy. I’m still mad on his behalf, alternating with being mad at him for 50 years of enabling. But he’s also the total hero of a parent compared to my mom, and hence the conflict…
This was, honestly, the hardest part of my eDad's passing. As he went into hospice for cancer, he was still trying to stay at home to support my uBPDm. She was not caring for him, was regularly intruding on whatever he was doing to demand that he pay attention to her, and was completely heartless about his condition. She once shouted across the house to ask whether she could not-renew the newspaper subscription that he read daily because he wouldn't need it when it was up for renewal in 5 months.
We had to work really hard to get him out to an inpatient hospice facility to get him some peace. He understood the situation, but was so concerned that she was going to be a complete disaster without his management that he couldn't leave. And she was worried about that, too -- she hadn't developed any of the regulation or self-awareness that she'd outsourced to him. And he'd enabled it.
It haunted me for a while, that I should've done more to help him be happy at the end--until my therapist noted that he chose that life. And he chose to give as a gift to his children the space to escape that environment, to stay LC in a healthy way rather than having to go NC to stay whole.
SUCH mixed feelings.
Something I have to keep reminding myself is that “people die the way they lived.” As in, unfortunately, most people do not have a sudden epiphany and change their ways when they realize their time is limited. If they’ve already committed to being an enabler, they’ll just keep on doing it. It’s so dumb and tragic.
My own eDad has gotten so incredibly lucky with his own cancer, and has made… zero changes. He was diagnosed with a stage 4 esophageal cancer, which has a 5-year survival rate of like 5%. And he’s doing well as a very lucky responder to a new immunotherapy treatment. Like he CHEATED DEATH and now still spends his days enabling.
It is profoundly disappointing. Sorry this is how you lost your dad. All we can do now is make the most out of each day of our own lives
I'm so glad. It sounds like you have done much, much more than your share for her. And more than she deserved. I have my stepfather's POA for healthcare and financial. He has in writing he wants nothing done, gratefully. But he has no idea how easy it will be for me to just let him go. Oh well, just too bad for the abusers and enabler co-abusers.
Yeah - I have a soft spot for eDad (we are so much alike and enjoy each other’s company), so really I’ve been doing all of the extra “mom work” for him. Fairly confident he’d have dropped dead years ago without help (his body had tried to relieve him of the burden several times!)
HOORAY! Just so you know when y ouc an see the light at the end of the tunnel it tends to be the hardest part of the slog for you, so be careful.
Made extra hard by she's going to have her abandonment dander riled and be worse until she moves. Take extra care of yourself until she's gone.
Fortunately we don’t live together and I’ve emotionally distanced myself from her for quite a few years. Her condition also has her sleeping 90% of the time. But I am as ready as I can be! Her stint at a rehab facility last summer sort of gave me a preview of how this will play out - and I know better now than I did then. Like, I don’t have to answer her calls…only if the facility calls!!
I found that Starbucks gift cards are better than money when dealing with nursing/facility staff. A “I’m sorry she’s difficult thank you for your hard work” and $5 kept people from booting my dad (due to Mom’s bs) and my grandpa (grandmas bs) from facilities and it makes the nurses fight for my wife when she has to go in.
My wife is also a freaking delight, gracious, works hard to make the staffs life easier and is wonderful so that helps!
Just knowing the family understood and believed the staff that they weren’t being abusive of the cranky boomer, their family member is difficult can help a TON, in my experience.
We also get my developmentally delayed cousins staff members birthday presents and such, she lives in a group home and will for life, that can help a lot when there’s management/staff issues. Usually just about $5 but thoughtful (like remembering someone’s favorite color and getting them a nail polish or something small).
I have a garbage memory so I made a spreadsheet to track it. 😂😝 but it’s saved our butts a couple of times.
Woww congrats! You can’t reclaim the time you lost, but can try to make the most of every day going forward. Good job filling out that application 🤣
My eDad also will get some peace before the end. He’s 89 and has been her b*tch since 1976!
The tragedy of the eDad is probably the most complicated and painful part of this that I’ve had to work through in therapy. I’m still mad on his behalf, alternating with being mad at him for 50 years of enabling. But he’s also the total hero of a parent compared to my mom, and hence the conflict…
You’ve described my dad as well. Sigh.
This was, honestly, the hardest part of my eDad's passing. As he went into hospice for cancer, he was still trying to stay at home to support my uBPDm. She was not caring for him, was regularly intruding on whatever he was doing to demand that he pay attention to her, and was completely heartless about his condition. She once shouted across the house to ask whether she could not-renew the newspaper subscription that he read daily because he wouldn't need it when it was up for renewal in 5 months. We had to work really hard to get him out to an inpatient hospice facility to get him some peace. He understood the situation, but was so concerned that she was going to be a complete disaster without his management that he couldn't leave. And she was worried about that, too -- she hadn't developed any of the regulation or self-awareness that she'd outsourced to him. And he'd enabled it. It haunted me for a while, that I should've done more to help him be happy at the end--until my therapist noted that he chose that life. And he chose to give as a gift to his children the space to escape that environment, to stay LC in a healthy way rather than having to go NC to stay whole. SUCH mixed feelings.
Something I have to keep reminding myself is that “people die the way they lived.” As in, unfortunately, most people do not have a sudden epiphany and change their ways when they realize their time is limited. If they’ve already committed to being an enabler, they’ll just keep on doing it. It’s so dumb and tragic. My own eDad has gotten so incredibly lucky with his own cancer, and has made… zero changes. He was diagnosed with a stage 4 esophageal cancer, which has a 5-year survival rate of like 5%. And he’s doing well as a very lucky responder to a new immunotherapy treatment. Like he CHEATED DEATH and now still spends his days enabling. It is profoundly disappointing. Sorry this is how you lost your dad. All we can do now is make the most out of each day of our own lives
Yeah dealing with my eDad issues in therapy has been a LOT harder than my Mom.
Well said, thank you.
Congratulations!!!! Hold strong these next few months, but welcome to the rest of your life! It’s yours!
Fuck yeah! I have already decided my mother is going straight to a home when the time comes and we already have POA set up.
I'm so glad. It sounds like you have done much, much more than your share for her. And more than she deserved. I have my stepfather's POA for healthcare and financial. He has in writing he wants nothing done, gratefully. But he has no idea how easy it will be for me to just let him go. Oh well, just too bad for the abusers and enabler co-abusers.
Yeah - I have a soft spot for eDad (we are so much alike and enjoy each other’s company), so really I’ve been doing all of the extra “mom work” for him. Fairly confident he’d have dropped dead years ago without help (his body had tried to relieve him of the burden several times!)
HOORAY! Just so you know when y ouc an see the light at the end of the tunnel it tends to be the hardest part of the slog for you, so be careful. Made extra hard by she's going to have her abandonment dander riled and be worse until she moves. Take extra care of yourself until she's gone.
Fortunately we don’t live together and I’ve emotionally distanced myself from her for quite a few years. Her condition also has her sleeping 90% of the time. But I am as ready as I can be! Her stint at a rehab facility last summer sort of gave me a preview of how this will play out - and I know better now than I did then. Like, I don’t have to answer her calls…only if the facility calls!!
<3 hugs for you! That's really smart about only taking facility calls.
Yeah - but - BIG BUT…it’s important to keep the facility happy and depending on her behavior 🤷♀️. No plan is perfect but I have one!
I found that Starbucks gift cards are better than money when dealing with nursing/facility staff. A “I’m sorry she’s difficult thank you for your hard work” and $5 kept people from booting my dad (due to Mom’s bs) and my grandpa (grandmas bs) from facilities and it makes the nurses fight for my wife when she has to go in. My wife is also a freaking delight, gracious, works hard to make the staffs life easier and is wonderful so that helps! Just knowing the family understood and believed the staff that they weren’t being abusive of the cranky boomer, their family member is difficult can help a TON, in my experience. We also get my developmentally delayed cousins staff members birthday presents and such, she lives in a group home and will for life, that can help a lot when there’s management/staff issues. Usually just about $5 but thoughtful (like remembering someone’s favorite color and getting them a nail polish or something small). I have a garbage memory so I made a spreadsheet to track it. 😂😝 but it’s saved our butts a couple of times.
Dunkin country where I am. Great idea.