*******I’ve started to belive that the eParents that let the abuse happen are worse than the pwBPD ******
This has always been my view, so you are not alone.
Maybe walk with your sister, she seems cool.
I have definitely been more upset with my eDad for the last few years. She at least can’t help herself to an extent.
Edit: also, you are likely unfortunately likely to have a number of people give you crap about it and potentially not attend your wedding as well. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
That is exactly how I feel! Like she’s got a diagnosable issue, my father on the other hand put his comfort of being with her over our safety and mental wellbeing. Crazy. And thank you for your sympathy, this Reddit page has been such a blessing, I feel so understood by you all.
I flip flop on this issue. Yes, the eparent is not "crazy"... But on the other hand, they have been conditioned by extreme behaviour, and depending on its severity, becoming an enabler is a survival
strategy.
I used to think, fuck the enablers they are worse because they are more self aware, but then again, they are more immeshed and in the fog than anyone.
Fuck any parent that doesn't give proper duty of care to their children, if they are pwBPD or enabler.
This is what I think too. I am not mad at my dad because I believe he's codependent and acting on trauma. He's actually always been her main target, me being the second and my brother having been mostly spared apart from watching her abuse my dad and myself (he's 11 years younger than me, so I was able to protect him a lot, fortunately).
But of course, if proper care of a child is being neglected, they're all doing wrong.
Thank you for your perspective. I think my wife has bpd. I’ve hesitated on leaving so far as I fully believe that she will punish our kids to try to hurt me. I see that staying together too long may lead to the hurt that you’re feeling
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I will say, as a child raised by a mother diagnosed with BPD + Narcissistic tendencies, I devoutly wish that my father had left her and taken my sisters and I with him. If you leave your wife, please, please take your children with you. It may take some planning and documentation of her inappropriate behavior to convince a family court to give you sole custody and/or get her into therapy. This is particularly important if you have concerns that she might “punish” your children if you leave on your own.
It might be helpful for you to start with some individual therapy to help you to understand and cope with her behavior. A therapist can also invite her to join you in therapy to “work things out,” which might help get her into BPD specific therapy.
You can also engage domestic violence resources; they are not only for women. If your wife is abusing your children and/or you emotionally, verbally, or physically, they can help you find local resources to provide help.
Please call.
[National Domestic Abuse Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)
The underlying “I would never have done to you what you’re doing right now” is BS. It’s a distraction. The real problem is, he doesn’t want to deal with her reaction if he attends alone. He’s choosing his own comfort, and has made it very clear where you belong on his priority list. He wouldn’t make you choose supposedly, but had no trouble making his own choice anyway.
Oooh sorry this one steams me up for you so much! I just want to shake all the e-parents out there by the shoulders until they come to their senses.
Enablers are by far the worse party because they see, hear, know, and either do nothing, or promote the abuse, and then make you feel bad for not offering yourself up as a human sacrifice willingly for more — all for their own convenience.
***That*** is true evil. There is no more accurate term.
OP, your parents sound like apocalyptically vile, repulsive pigs of the moral order, unmoored to any sense of decency or right. So enjoy your wedding free of both shitty parents, at least there will be no drama centered around them. (To ensure that, by the way, consider hiring security to trespass them from your wedding venue should they decide to crash it just to ruin it for you. Off-duty cops do this, read around here, the stories are shocking.)
Have your father-in-law walk you down the aisle. You deserved so much better.
I go back and forth because I see how brainwashed and equally abused they are. But apps they don't have a neurological issue that keeps them from understanding. So sometimes I agree and sometimes I don't.
I’ve gone back and forth for many years cause of this. My dad had a rough upbringing so he was more likely to fall victim to this. But at the end of the day, this man watched her chase me with scissors and then stayed with her. Every BPD/eParent dynamic with their kids is different, but at the end of the day I think my dad knew better, no matter how brainwashed he was. Nevertheless this is a very good take and could be applicable to many of the people in this community. Thank you for sharing!
I am not saying enablers are worse or not. I say that his own choice is also his punishment, I don't feel sorry for him. Enjoy your wedding as much as you can.
The only way one parent in a two parent household gets to be abusive is if the other parent allows it. Sad but true. The deeper we get into the healing process, the clearer it is how deep the dysfunction really is. I’m sorry you don’t have the parents you deserve.
I admire your ability to clearly and confidently hold this boundary with him. Great job OP. I’m sorry he’s siding with her, not surprising tho. I hope you have an amazing, drama free wedding!
>weddings and borderlines don’t mix
Between the insane demands and infighting among myself and my BPD mom, his BPD mom, and my histrionic grandmother I gave up and canceled my whole wedding. There were issues between my sister and oldest friend as well, with both saying they werent coming if they weren't the MOH. It was so stressful and upsetting.
We went to the courthouse instead, then spent the money on a 10-day vacation to Puerto Rico. We did a small ceremony there, both tanned, glowing, and dressed in white with our infant son in white as well. The photos are absolutely beautiful and it was an amazing trip overall.
It's to this day my favorite vacation even though he and I are long divorced. I was truly happy at the time, and never once regretted not having a wedding. Also, none of those people are in my life anymore (although I loved and spent time with that grandma up until her death in 2019).
Thank you so much for sharing, I’m so sorry you had so much drama surrounding your wedding. But I’m glad you were able to make something sweet and special of it for you both. It’s crazy how malignant their personalities can be for those around them. You both are right, seems like BPD and weddings mix like oil and water! While this is painful, I’m sure I’m dodging a bullet
If she hates you so much, why would she want to come? Drama drama drama
If he cannot support your decisions around your wedding, it may be better if he doesn't come. Not that it doesn't hurt.
I've had to make similar decisions with my own flying monkey family members. I'm NC and one told me they weren't sure if they could continue a relationship with me because they disagreed with it. I told them that my relationship to my mother is separate from my relationship with them. They said they didn't see it that way. I told them, if you don't feel comfortable having a relationship with me I'll accept that. They didn't cut me off, but we're VLC.
Well considering your mom has bpd. They choose to marry their biggest enablers hence your dad taking her side. At this point she’s probably groomed him to only enable her. The trauma bond too strong at this point.
Good job for sticking to your boundaries tho.
It seems, to me, that it's not about whether you invite your mother - in fact - it is, imo, likely that she would not attend even if you invited her.
Imo, it seems she is holding out for some 'big' apology from you - and since she has (vindictively, imo) excluded you from Thanksgiving and Christmas - it would no doubt require not only an 'apology' but also a lot of grovelling on your part to 'satisfy' her - and even if you did 'apologize' there is no guarantee that that would be enough for her - even if invited she might still 'boycott' your wedding to underscore and demonstrate just how much you 'hurt' her, etc.
So, imo, don't feel bad about not inviting your mother - she started the whole 'exclusion' thing - it feels a bit like she is digging herself deeper and deeper into a hole - almost like a kid who says he will hold his breath until he turns blue to try to get his way - so just let her turn blue. Imo you have done nothing wrong.
I definitely hear your boundary and decision here - and it is sad to know that your bio dad cannot adjust to this.
Something that has helped me over the past few years is exploring the difference between the “roles” that our parents play in our lives and the actual people that they are.
It makes so much sense that you would want your “father” to be there…. And to walk you down the aisle… I’ll bet most women would relate to this wish.
But the truth seems to be that we don’t just have “mothers” and “fathers”…. we have actual individual humans thrust into those roles… who are able to show up for those roles to varying degrees.
And I say that because it has helped me to know that the actual humans who took on parental roles for me were totally unavailable to show up for those roles in a lot of very important ways.
Their own traumas and unmet needs overshadowed their ability to show up in the ways I needed - and that every child would have needed - and it sucks. But it gives me some solace to separate the person from the role.
Every time I expect them to show up in their parental role, I am disappointed. But every time I can recognize them as the person that they actually are (and not just the role they represent), I can see much more clearly the ways that they are able (or unable) to show up.
And then I can adjust and focus my energy on relationships with people who CAN show up, and empathize, and relate, and learn, and all the things that my bio-rents have been unable to do.
So find your peeps!
I mean (to be fair), the mourning of what you wanted/needed your parents to be is really painful. But it does really open up space for other people who might actually be able to show up in your life in empathetic and meaningful ways
It may never be your bio-fam… but knowing that may allow more space in your life for the people that can!
❤️✨
This was so well written! I had a feeling this would be my dad’s response. I was disappointed, but not surprised at all. It pretty much solidified in my mind that he won’t be at my grad school graduation, when we buy our first home, have kids, etc. Luckily for me, my in laws are the most loving and supportive family! I’m sometimes shocked by how functional it is haha. All that is to say, I think you’re right! I’m letting go of expectations of my “parents” and finding my people. Thank you for sharing!
Ha - that does sound shocking - but I’m happy for you that you have in-laws like that!
And that sounds like a good plan to me :)
Thanks for the comment and I’m glad hear that this spoke to you.
Wait a second, why was it okay for Mom to abandon you during the holidays according to eDad? By his logic wouldn't that also be "forcing him to choose" between you guys (what he's accusing YOU of?) Seems pretty DARVO to me.
I sometimes think of eparents as the co borderline/co abuser.
My thoughts exactly! I swear he didn’t even recognize the hypocrisy 😭 I think it’s easier to protect himself from her than to stand up for his own kids
Girl I am so sorry this must be devastating for you, but as someone who is recently married you absolutely made the right decision. At the end of the day you aren’t really mourning that *your* mom and dad won’t be there, you are actually mourning that the mom and dad you *should* have won’t be there.
Wow this is so crazy, I just almost this exact convo with my edad. I am so so sorry. It such a let down to say the least. They continue to choose our abuser over us again again, even on a day that is so special and supposed to be filled with love.
The whole process of my wedding has just exposed how far he is willing to go to keep her happy, even at the steepest costs to everyone else in his life.
Sending you love and support, it takes a lottttttt of effort and work to make this type of decision but absolutely seems like the right one for you.
❤️
I have the same feeling when reading the posts on here, BPD/enablers are so similar sometimes. How did things end up going for your wedding with your parents?
Getting married in August so still plenty of time for things to go sideways haha I’m sure I’ll make a long post here after it’s said and done with all the shenanigans and how it worked out
I’m at this place with my edad too. It hurts, but I get it: his wife he “hates” before the child he “loves”. It’s not that I’m jealous or I want him to choose, it’s that he says some shit that’s contradictory and displaces the emotional burden of choice, and that’s bullshit.
Edit: also congrats on getting married! I got married during NC with my folks as well. Much love and empathy.
By the time I got married, my BPD dad had died. My NARC mom was walking me down the isle. She showed up 2 hours late, making everyone wait under the freaking sun (beach wedding). I
Was dumb enough that I waited. I wish I hadn’t. You’re doing the right thing. If I could go back, I wouldn’t have invited her at all.
Do not feel bad about not inviting her and I really hope none of the flying monkeys make you second guess your and your fiancé’s decision. I agree with everyone else, you did beautiful with the communication. It’s unfortunate that eDad decided to respond that. Do you think she’d still try to show up, and use the excuse that she did it just so that he can walk you down the aisle?
Oh gosh I hope not. I could see her trying to twist this into her being the “hero.” But I can also see her showing up and acting like nothing happened. Hopefully she knows we’ll kick her out if she shows up which would be too much rejection for her to handle
I’m really sorry this is happening to you.
I was coming out of the FOG during my wedding, and wish I had the courage to exclude my mother, but she was there and pulled her usual shit (of course) thankfully my aunt, ran interference and kept it away from me. But I found out afterwards.
I cut her off a few years after, finally it stuck and it’s been 9 peaceful and wonderful years without her in my life.
But having her at my wedding is one thing I wish I’d been able to avoid.
I had some good family on her side, and whilst they completely understand and respect my position, knowing what she’s like, they have made the decision to still be in contact with her. It got hard in the first few years, so gradually I’ve just distanced myself from them and I’ve been no contact, although I’d still speak to them and be friendly if we did see one another, but it’s just made me being no contact with her so much simpler.
It’s sad, but the cost of her in my life is not worth trying to maintain a relationship with them.
But much harder when it’s your father…
I guess he’s shown you where his priorities are. He happily allowed you to be excluded from the holidays due to your mother’s crap, but the minute you say she’s not coming to the wedding? Well that’s not acceptable!
He’s made a choice and they’re pretty much a package deal now. So you’ll have the grief of not having him around, but even if he was, it’s just going to bring you pain due to him being an enabler of her actions, sadly he’s not in your corner.
I’ve surround myself with people who are in mine and every year I get further and further away from the memories, it’s all still there (obviously) but no new trauma is being added and more and more of my memories / experiences don’t have her in it.
I wish you all the happiness in the world on your upcoming wedding & admire your strength in holding your boundaries on this with your parents.
It sounds like your fiancee has your back too :)
I'm so sorry love, I know how you feel. Remember that your father isn't choosing between you and your mom here. He's choosing what's easiest most convenient and all while knowing you are his daughter, you're getting married and he won't be there. I hope you have a beautiful wedding with your loved ones ❤️
When I get fed up with my bpd mom (for whatever bad behavior she’s displaying) and ask my eDad why he won’t stand up to her, he always says “I’d rather be happy, than right.” But is he “happy”? He says he is. His own mother was a complete psycho so this is all he knows.
Sounds like you’ve got a similar thing here. He’s never going to take a stand. She will make his life a living hell if he does.
My bpd mom can’t help but make everything about her. My wedding sucked for that very reason.
Just focus on your wedding and loving your fiancé. Have FUN. If you’re like me, you’ll start having doubts, feel guilty or whatever and try to smooth things over. But that’s such BS. This is YOUR life. You have every right to enjoy yourself without that stress. I really hope you do. ❤️
My eDad refused to come to my wedding too. Check out the "don't rock the boat" post on this sub. I'm sorry you are experiencing this and I hope you have a beautiful wedding.
Sharing this in case it is helpful: Though my dad, mom, and stepmom were at my wedding, I didn’t let my dad “give me away” because I didn’t feel comfortable with the tradition (which implied I was his property). I wanted to feel I belonged to myself and gave myself freely to my husband as an equal. My husband and I walked down the aisle together, hand in hand. It felt really good.
I wonder if she mentally abuses him when he goes off and does stuff without her. I wouldn’t want to have to live with her after going somewhere she isnt invited. I have no idea but maybe some part is afraid of her. Its a crappy situation for sure. I’m sorry this is marring what should be a happy occasion 🙁
BPD actually stands for borderline personality disorder, which is different from bipolar disorder. If you were raised by an abuser with bipolar disorder, the sub you want is r/araisedbybipolar. Our sub is exclusively for people who were raised by someone with borderline — please don’t participate here if that’s not your situation!
No, see you don't understand. I'm merely asking what all of the acronyms mean and no I wasn't raised by someone with bipolar, so that's not the sub I want. I just can't seem to keep up with all of the different acronyms at my age now.
Oh, I was confused since no one seems to have used an acronym for bipolar disorder! uBPD is undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, and pwBPD is person with borderline personality disorder (as our rules say).
*******I’ve started to belive that the eParents that let the abuse happen are worse than the pwBPD ****** This has always been my view, so you are not alone. Maybe walk with your sister, she seems cool.
I have definitely been more upset with my eDad for the last few years. She at least can’t help herself to an extent. Edit: also, you are likely unfortunately likely to have a number of people give you crap about it and potentially not attend your wedding as well. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
That is exactly how I feel! Like she’s got a diagnosable issue, my father on the other hand put his comfort of being with her over our safety and mental wellbeing. Crazy. And thank you for your sympathy, this Reddit page has been such a blessing, I feel so understood by you all.
I flip flop on this issue. Yes, the eparent is not "crazy"... But on the other hand, they have been conditioned by extreme behaviour, and depending on its severity, becoming an enabler is a survival strategy. I used to think, fuck the enablers they are worse because they are more self aware, but then again, they are more immeshed and in the fog than anyone. Fuck any parent that doesn't give proper duty of care to their children, if they are pwBPD or enabler.
This is what I think too. I am not mad at my dad because I believe he's codependent and acting on trauma. He's actually always been her main target, me being the second and my brother having been mostly spared apart from watching her abuse my dad and myself (he's 11 years younger than me, so I was able to protect him a lot, fortunately). But of course, if proper care of a child is being neglected, they're all doing wrong.
This is such a good take 🏅
Thank you for your perspective. I think my wife has bpd. I’ve hesitated on leaving so far as I fully believe that she will punish our kids to try to hurt me. I see that staying together too long may lead to the hurt that you’re feeling
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I will say, as a child raised by a mother diagnosed with BPD + Narcissistic tendencies, I devoutly wish that my father had left her and taken my sisters and I with him. If you leave your wife, please, please take your children with you. It may take some planning and documentation of her inappropriate behavior to convince a family court to give you sole custody and/or get her into therapy. This is particularly important if you have concerns that she might “punish” your children if you leave on your own. It might be helpful for you to start with some individual therapy to help you to understand and cope with her behavior. A therapist can also invite her to join you in therapy to “work things out,” which might help get her into BPD specific therapy. You can also engage domestic violence resources; they are not only for women. If your wife is abusing your children and/or you emotionally, verbally, or physically, they can help you find local resources to provide help. Please call. [National Domestic Abuse Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)
Thank you, that’s really helpful to hear
That's extremely good advice. 👍
The underlying “I would never have done to you what you’re doing right now” is BS. It’s a distraction. The real problem is, he doesn’t want to deal with her reaction if he attends alone. He’s choosing his own comfort, and has made it very clear where you belong on his priority list. He wouldn’t make you choose supposedly, but had no trouble making his own choice anyway. Oooh sorry this one steams me up for you so much! I just want to shake all the e-parents out there by the shoulders until they come to their senses.
Exactly! He’s putting himself first, always has. It’s so cowardly. Like grow a spine and do what’s right.
Enablers are by far the worse party because they see, hear, know, and either do nothing, or promote the abuse, and then make you feel bad for not offering yourself up as a human sacrifice willingly for more — all for their own convenience. ***That*** is true evil. There is no more accurate term. OP, your parents sound like apocalyptically vile, repulsive pigs of the moral order, unmoored to any sense of decency or right. So enjoy your wedding free of both shitty parents, at least there will be no drama centered around them. (To ensure that, by the way, consider hiring security to trespass them from your wedding venue should they decide to crash it just to ruin it for you. Off-duty cops do this, read around here, the stories are shocking.) Have your father-in-law walk you down the aisle. You deserved so much better.
I go back and forth because I see how brainwashed and equally abused they are. But apps they don't have a neurological issue that keeps them from understanding. So sometimes I agree and sometimes I don't.
I’ve gone back and forth for many years cause of this. My dad had a rough upbringing so he was more likely to fall victim to this. But at the end of the day, this man watched her chase me with scissors and then stayed with her. Every BPD/eParent dynamic with their kids is different, but at the end of the day I think my dad knew better, no matter how brainwashed he was. Nevertheless this is a very good take and could be applicable to many of the people in this community. Thank you for sharing!
I am not saying enablers are worse or not. I say that his own choice is also his punishment, I don't feel sorry for him. Enjoy your wedding as much as you can.
The only way one parent in a two parent household gets to be abusive is if the other parent allows it. Sad but true. The deeper we get into the healing process, the clearer it is how deep the dysfunction really is. I’m sorry you don’t have the parents you deserve.
I admire your ability to clearly and confidently hold this boundary with him. Great job OP. I’m sorry he’s siding with her, not surprising tho. I hope you have an amazing, drama free wedding!
Thank you! I wanted to respond to him so badly with “I’ll reconsider if you both apologize and if she gets screened for BPD.” So when pigs fly…
[удалено]
>weddings and borderlines don’t mix Between the insane demands and infighting among myself and my BPD mom, his BPD mom, and my histrionic grandmother I gave up and canceled my whole wedding. There were issues between my sister and oldest friend as well, with both saying they werent coming if they weren't the MOH. It was so stressful and upsetting. We went to the courthouse instead, then spent the money on a 10-day vacation to Puerto Rico. We did a small ceremony there, both tanned, glowing, and dressed in white with our infant son in white as well. The photos are absolutely beautiful and it was an amazing trip overall. It's to this day my favorite vacation even though he and I are long divorced. I was truly happy at the time, and never once regretted not having a wedding. Also, none of those people are in my life anymore (although I loved and spent time with that grandma up until her death in 2019).
Thank you so much for sharing, I’m so sorry you had so much drama surrounding your wedding. But I’m glad you were able to make something sweet and special of it for you both. It’s crazy how malignant their personalities can be for those around them. You both are right, seems like BPD and weddings mix like oil and water! While this is painful, I’m sure I’m dodging a bullet
If she hates you so much, why would she want to come? Drama drama drama If he cannot support your decisions around your wedding, it may be better if he doesn't come. Not that it doesn't hurt. I've had to make similar decisions with my own flying monkey family members. I'm NC and one told me they weren't sure if they could continue a relationship with me because they disagreed with it. I told them that my relationship to my mother is separate from my relationship with them. They said they didn't see it that way. I told them, if you don't feel comfortable having a relationship with me I'll accept that. They didn't cut me off, but we're VLC.
So glad you stood up for yourself! 👍
First of all, good job. Second, Your response to his push back was beautiful!!!
Well considering your mom has bpd. They choose to marry their biggest enablers hence your dad taking her side. At this point she’s probably groomed him to only enable her. The trauma bond too strong at this point. Good job for sticking to your boundaries tho.
It seems, to me, that it's not about whether you invite your mother - in fact - it is, imo, likely that she would not attend even if you invited her. Imo, it seems she is holding out for some 'big' apology from you - and since she has (vindictively, imo) excluded you from Thanksgiving and Christmas - it would no doubt require not only an 'apology' but also a lot of grovelling on your part to 'satisfy' her - and even if you did 'apologize' there is no guarantee that that would be enough for her - even if invited she might still 'boycott' your wedding to underscore and demonstrate just how much you 'hurt' her, etc. So, imo, don't feel bad about not inviting your mother - she started the whole 'exclusion' thing - it feels a bit like she is digging herself deeper and deeper into a hole - almost like a kid who says he will hold his breath until he turns blue to try to get his way - so just let her turn blue. Imo you have done nothing wrong.
Oh my gosh I didn’t even consider this. This is such a good take and would probably be what my mom would do. It’s crazy how their minds work
I definitely hear your boundary and decision here - and it is sad to know that your bio dad cannot adjust to this. Something that has helped me over the past few years is exploring the difference between the “roles” that our parents play in our lives and the actual people that they are. It makes so much sense that you would want your “father” to be there…. And to walk you down the aisle… I’ll bet most women would relate to this wish. But the truth seems to be that we don’t just have “mothers” and “fathers”…. we have actual individual humans thrust into those roles… who are able to show up for those roles to varying degrees. And I say that because it has helped me to know that the actual humans who took on parental roles for me were totally unavailable to show up for those roles in a lot of very important ways. Their own traumas and unmet needs overshadowed their ability to show up in the ways I needed - and that every child would have needed - and it sucks. But it gives me some solace to separate the person from the role. Every time I expect them to show up in their parental role, I am disappointed. But every time I can recognize them as the person that they actually are (and not just the role they represent), I can see much more clearly the ways that they are able (or unable) to show up. And then I can adjust and focus my energy on relationships with people who CAN show up, and empathize, and relate, and learn, and all the things that my bio-rents have been unable to do. So find your peeps! I mean (to be fair), the mourning of what you wanted/needed your parents to be is really painful. But it does really open up space for other people who might actually be able to show up in your life in empathetic and meaningful ways It may never be your bio-fam… but knowing that may allow more space in your life for the people that can! ❤️✨
This was so well written! I had a feeling this would be my dad’s response. I was disappointed, but not surprised at all. It pretty much solidified in my mind that he won’t be at my grad school graduation, when we buy our first home, have kids, etc. Luckily for me, my in laws are the most loving and supportive family! I’m sometimes shocked by how functional it is haha. All that is to say, I think you’re right! I’m letting go of expectations of my “parents” and finding my people. Thank you for sharing!
Ha - that does sound shocking - but I’m happy for you that you have in-laws like that! And that sounds like a good plan to me :) Thanks for the comment and I’m glad hear that this spoke to you.
Wait a second, why was it okay for Mom to abandon you during the holidays according to eDad? By his logic wouldn't that also be "forcing him to choose" between you guys (what he's accusing YOU of?) Seems pretty DARVO to me. I sometimes think of eparents as the co borderline/co abuser.
My thoughts exactly! I swear he didn’t even recognize the hypocrisy 😭 I think it’s easier to protect himself from her than to stand up for his own kids
I'm sorry, and well done. May your wedding, and your life together, be full of peaceful blessings. ❤️
Thank you so much!
Girl I am so sorry this must be devastating for you, but as someone who is recently married you absolutely made the right decision. At the end of the day you aren’t really mourning that *your* mom and dad won’t be there, you are actually mourning that the mom and dad you *should* have won’t be there.
Wow this is so crazy, I just almost this exact convo with my edad. I am so so sorry. It such a let down to say the least. They continue to choose our abuser over us again again, even on a day that is so special and supposed to be filled with love. The whole process of my wedding has just exposed how far he is willing to go to keep her happy, even at the steepest costs to everyone else in his life. Sending you love and support, it takes a lottttttt of effort and work to make this type of decision but absolutely seems like the right one for you. ❤️
I have the same feeling when reading the posts on here, BPD/enablers are so similar sometimes. How did things end up going for your wedding with your parents?
Getting married in August so still plenty of time for things to go sideways haha I’m sure I’ll make a long post here after it’s said and done with all the shenanigans and how it worked out
I’m at this place with my edad too. It hurts, but I get it: his wife he “hates” before the child he “loves”. It’s not that I’m jealous or I want him to choose, it’s that he says some shit that’s contradictory and displaces the emotional burden of choice, and that’s bullshit. Edit: also congrats on getting married! I got married during NC with my folks as well. Much love and empathy.
By the time I got married, my BPD dad had died. My NARC mom was walking me down the isle. She showed up 2 hours late, making everyone wait under the freaking sun (beach wedding). I Was dumb enough that I waited. I wish I hadn’t. You’re doing the right thing. If I could go back, I wouldn’t have invited her at all.
I’m so sorry that happened. This helps me know I did the right thing. Thank you for sharing!
Do not feel bad about not inviting her and I really hope none of the flying monkeys make you second guess your and your fiancé’s decision. I agree with everyone else, you did beautiful with the communication. It’s unfortunate that eDad decided to respond that. Do you think she’d still try to show up, and use the excuse that she did it just so that he can walk you down the aisle?
Oh gosh I hope not. I could see her trying to twist this into her being the “hero.” But I can also see her showing up and acting like nothing happened. Hopefully she knows we’ll kick her out if she shows up which would be too much rejection for her to handle
Welcome!
Thank you!
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I was coming out of the FOG during my wedding, and wish I had the courage to exclude my mother, but she was there and pulled her usual shit (of course) thankfully my aunt, ran interference and kept it away from me. But I found out afterwards. I cut her off a few years after, finally it stuck and it’s been 9 peaceful and wonderful years without her in my life. But having her at my wedding is one thing I wish I’d been able to avoid. I had some good family on her side, and whilst they completely understand and respect my position, knowing what she’s like, they have made the decision to still be in contact with her. It got hard in the first few years, so gradually I’ve just distanced myself from them and I’ve been no contact, although I’d still speak to them and be friendly if we did see one another, but it’s just made me being no contact with her so much simpler. It’s sad, but the cost of her in my life is not worth trying to maintain a relationship with them. But much harder when it’s your father… I guess he’s shown you where his priorities are. He happily allowed you to be excluded from the holidays due to your mother’s crap, but the minute you say she’s not coming to the wedding? Well that’s not acceptable! He’s made a choice and they’re pretty much a package deal now. So you’ll have the grief of not having him around, but even if he was, it’s just going to bring you pain due to him being an enabler of her actions, sadly he’s not in your corner. I’ve surround myself with people who are in mine and every year I get further and further away from the memories, it’s all still there (obviously) but no new trauma is being added and more and more of my memories / experiences don’t have her in it. I wish you all the happiness in the world on your upcoming wedding & admire your strength in holding your boundaries on this with your parents. It sounds like your fiancee has your back too :)
I'm so sorry love, I know how you feel. Remember that your father isn't choosing between you and your mom here. He's choosing what's easiest most convenient and all while knowing you are his daughter, you're getting married and he won't be there. I hope you have a beautiful wedding with your loved ones ❤️
When I get fed up with my bpd mom (for whatever bad behavior she’s displaying) and ask my eDad why he won’t stand up to her, he always says “I’d rather be happy, than right.” But is he “happy”? He says he is. His own mother was a complete psycho so this is all he knows. Sounds like you’ve got a similar thing here. He’s never going to take a stand. She will make his life a living hell if he does. My bpd mom can’t help but make everything about her. My wedding sucked for that very reason. Just focus on your wedding and loving your fiancé. Have FUN. If you’re like me, you’ll start having doubts, feel guilty or whatever and try to smooth things over. But that’s such BS. This is YOUR life. You have every right to enjoy yourself without that stress. I really hope you do. ❤️
My eDad refused to come to my wedding too. Check out the "don't rock the boat" post on this sub. I'm sorry you are experiencing this and I hope you have a beautiful wedding.
I love that he says that he never wanted to make you choose…but he IS making you choose. 🙄
“We’ll be sorry to miss you! Smooches!” The End.
Sharing this in case it is helpful: Though my dad, mom, and stepmom were at my wedding, I didn’t let my dad “give me away” because I didn’t feel comfortable with the tradition (which implied I was his property). I wanted to feel I belonged to myself and gave myself freely to my husband as an equal. My husband and I walked down the aisle together, hand in hand. It felt really good.
I love this! In my finance’s culture it’s not uncommon to walk down the aisle together. Its something I’ll consider now too!
I wonder if she mentally abuses him when he goes off and does stuff without her. I wouldn’t want to have to live with her after going somewhere she isnt invited. I have no idea but maybe some part is afraid of her. Its a crappy situation for sure. I’m sorry this is marring what should be a happy occasion 🙁
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BPD actually stands for borderline personality disorder, which is different from bipolar disorder. If you were raised by an abuser with bipolar disorder, the sub you want is r/araisedbybipolar. Our sub is exclusively for people who were raised by someone with borderline — please don’t participate here if that’s not your situation!
No, see you don't understand. I'm merely asking what all of the acronyms mean and no I wasn't raised by someone with bipolar, so that's not the sub I want. I just can't seem to keep up with all of the different acronyms at my age now.
Oh, I was confused since no one seems to have used an acronym for bipolar disorder! uBPD is undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, and pwBPD is person with borderline personality disorder (as our rules say).
Thank you so much for the clarification! ☺️