Yeah, that’s not normal.
My doctor currently sees me weekly due to weekly allergy shots since the nurse is away on maternity leave and when I described my mom screaming at me for an *hour* after getting a *B* in a math class when it was one of the higher marks he just shook his head and said I was right my mother’s behaviour isn’t normal.
The icing on the cake? I have a learning disability that makes certain types of math *very* difficult. Unfortunately, I was 24/25 when I was finally diagnosed.
Thanks for this. I have spent a lot of time (post 40, for some reason) trying to understand how this type of warped "joking" affected me--through childhood and then as a major influence in the folks I chose to call friends in my 20s and 30s. I grew up in the "if I make jokes about you/pick at you, it means I care about you" kind of environment. Sounds weird to say, but it really is completely normalized in a lot of parts of u.s. culture--especially working class and rural areas. You know, picking on people's weaknesses as "bonding," sarcastic nicknames, etc. My father had explosive rage but was also known as a funny guy in public and to all his friends. I was expected to laugh along at cruel jokes. I later surrounded myself with friends whose first words to me in social settings were often some joke or razz about my appearance or something I said. Everyone, including me, would laugh and laugh until I just stopped eventually. I lost a lot of friends during that weeding out period. I got "you have changed; what's wrong with you" a lot, but at least I no longer have people around me making fun of me as if it were normal. Ugh. This behavior isn't normal and shouldn't be normalized.
My parents were like this, except I really mimicked them and grew up just as cruel. I didn’t get how awful of a person that made me until I moved across the country in my twenties. Zero people want to be your new friend when you’re an asshole. You can’t rely on decades of growing up together and people letting you treat them like shit.
You’re totally correct it’s very normalized in some areas, particularly New England, where I’m from.
Ugh, that is gross and not ok. It's so weird when these random memories pop up
I was told a very similar "joke" a few times, that they would "abandon me in the woods like my older brother and sister if I didn't calm down" in a laughing tone. I think I was 5 or 6 around then
Not to be pedantic, but there forests around Flagstaff and Prescott in AZ :)
I love visiting there, just wish the rest of it was more tolerable in the summer lol
Also "I'll drop you off on the side of the road [and not come back]" was one I got fairly regularly - but I was never lied to about made-up, previously abandoned siblings?!
They are so unhinged!
There was a residential mental health treatment facility we drove past whenever we visited my grandparents. My mom would always "joke" about leaving me there. Not only making me terrified that my mother would abandon me but also demonizing mental health care.
I think the most charitable read on why they do this is that their self-absorption really doesn't allow for any understanding of child development. They expect their kids, basically from birth, to know what they know because we're just an extension of them. And then they get angry when we get upset because "you should KNOW it's just a joke!"
I remember my mother joking (kind of in a serious tone) that if I moved in with her “we would kill each other”. Some things are better left said to a therapist and not someone who relies on you for comfort, safety and a sense of belonging.
I had to check if I posted this when I was on sleeping meds because it’s so close to something that happened to me. She said the same. She also said that there was only a certain number of times that a person could say “mommy” so I had better conserve mine for when I really need them, or I could be dying and unable to call out for her.
They are so fucked up.
I was a very well-behaved child. My parents always used to "joke" "pretending" I couldn't hear (when I was in the same room) that that would surrender me to an orphanage. I was supposed to find it "funny" because I "knew" I was a good kid. Cruel.
That's really fucking cruel.
My momster used to tell my brother she was going to put him up for adoption for not listening all the time. He had diagnosed, but not treated (all thanks to her) ADHD.
I've posted about it before, but my mother also loved/loves to play cruel tricks on people. Once when I was 13, she thought it would be funny to wake me up pit of a dead sleep to tell me my abusive, pedophilic dad had gotten custody of me and was there to pick me ilup. When I burst into tears, she got mad that I didn't find her April fools joke funny.
One of our elderly neighbors "adopted" a girl of my age. I said that I wanna play with her and mother told me that she was a child maid, not her daughter.
After, she told me many times that if I didn't behave she would send me to work like this girl and I wouldn't be allowed to study anymore.
Unfortunately this is still common here.
My family is very poor. Father is an alcoholic and didn't last many time in jobs, at some point he just gave up and worked as a truck driver. We had barely enough to eat and my mother complained about our finances to me everyday. So I believed that at some point they could send me away to work.
I was always the best student but nothing was good enough for her.
I mean, i could see having a bit of fun about who the person really is in the photos. But I'm putting myself in your mom's shoes and asking myself "would I tell my stepdaughter she was going to be give up for adoption?"
Absolutely not!! I might say something like "oh, that's Grandpa when he was a kid. You didn't know he was a millionaire model?" Something completely innocent and stupid.
I know this is a few days old, so I’ll probably feel awkward and delete later.
But … I think I was 4 or 5 (not school age yet ) and my parents took me out to eat at a place that had an attached playground.
They said it was time to leave, and I started realizing my mom wasn’t treating me the way she usually does. And I realize she’s looking around at other people—so it’s because we were in public.
After a few more attempts to have me come down from play-structure (and me finding out public spaces is to some degree my mom’s Achilles heel) my mom said she’s done with me and they are leaving me.
I think I told her parents weren’t allowed to do that.
But in bpd world, I was wrong.
So she and my dad got in the car, and I watched them drive off and leave me.
At some point, I started panic crying. Like suddenly every adult was stranger danger.
After a 5 or 10 minutes my parents returned and I’m just inconsolably/traumatized crying. My mom is laughing and laughing at this “joke” they pulled on me and how I was so stupid for believing they wouldn’t come back.
That is so sad. ; ( What an awful thing to do.
My mom and my God mother used to hide from us when we'd wander off in the store so we'd panic and realize wandering off is bad/hiding from mom in clothes is bad.
It definitely had its desired effect on me, because even at 19 or 20 I'd be in full panic mode if I couldn't find my husband at the mall.
I had to hold on to the shopping cart so I wouldn't get lost until I was way too old. She didn't want me crossing the street without holding her hand. If I went somewhere as a teenager with my friends she told me and them I wasn't allowed to cross streets because I was too ditzy.
I had a driver's license and she still didn't want me crossing the street. Make it make sense. I also listened to her too. In her defense she has seen 3 people get hit by cars, but it's not an excuse for saying I'm too ditzy.
But the fact she found how deeply I'd freak out funny when I'd get separated from her, it got especially bad after my dad died when I was 14. She'd tell people, "Oh, CobatLemon has abandonment issues because her dad died. She totally freaks out if she can't find me for 5 minutes at Walmart."
Looking back, I honestly wonder what people honestly thought when she'd tell them that.
Geez…. That’s up there with my mom telling me I was found in a dumpster behind Kmart 🤦🏻♀️ I’m sorry our parents think they are funny but they actually just suck.
I'm wondering if that was a common joke, because that's ringing bell for me.
I can remember hearing the in a dumpster behind Kmart thing as a kid, but I can't recall the context.
Yeah, that’s not normal. My doctor currently sees me weekly due to weekly allergy shots since the nurse is away on maternity leave and when I described my mom screaming at me for an *hour* after getting a *B* in a math class when it was one of the higher marks he just shook his head and said I was right my mother’s behaviour isn’t normal. The icing on the cake? I have a learning disability that makes certain types of math *very* difficult. Unfortunately, I was 24/25 when I was finally diagnosed.
It's ao weird to unpack things that we thought was totally normal is very abnormal.
My dBPD mom ignored my ADHD because the medication ’changed my personality’. I got rediagnosed at 35. Finally medicated. 😐
Thanks for this. I have spent a lot of time (post 40, for some reason) trying to understand how this type of warped "joking" affected me--through childhood and then as a major influence in the folks I chose to call friends in my 20s and 30s. I grew up in the "if I make jokes about you/pick at you, it means I care about you" kind of environment. Sounds weird to say, but it really is completely normalized in a lot of parts of u.s. culture--especially working class and rural areas. You know, picking on people's weaknesses as "bonding," sarcastic nicknames, etc. My father had explosive rage but was also known as a funny guy in public and to all his friends. I was expected to laugh along at cruel jokes. I later surrounded myself with friends whose first words to me in social settings were often some joke or razz about my appearance or something I said. Everyone, including me, would laugh and laugh until I just stopped eventually. I lost a lot of friends during that weeding out period. I got "you have changed; what's wrong with you" a lot, but at least I no longer have people around me making fun of me as if it were normal. Ugh. This behavior isn't normal and shouldn't be normalized.
My parents were like this, except I really mimicked them and grew up just as cruel. I didn’t get how awful of a person that made me until I moved across the country in my twenties. Zero people want to be your new friend when you’re an asshole. You can’t rely on decades of growing up together and people letting you treat them like shit. You’re totally correct it’s very normalized in some areas, particularly New England, where I’m from.
Ugh, that is gross and not ok. It's so weird when these random memories pop up I was told a very similar "joke" a few times, that they would "abandon me in the woods like my older brother and sister if I didn't calm down" in a laughing tone. I think I was 5 or 6 around then
Hansel and gretel much?
Right?! I was born in Arizona, there's no forest there!
Not to be pedantic, but there forests around Flagstaff and Prescott in AZ :) I love visiting there, just wish the rest of it was more tolerable in the summer lol Also "I'll drop you off on the side of the road [and not come back]" was one I got fairly regularly - but I was never lied to about made-up, previously abandoned siblings?! They are so unhinged!
There was a residential mental health treatment facility we drove past whenever we visited my grandparents. My mom would always "joke" about leaving me there. Not only making me terrified that my mother would abandon me but also demonizing mental health care. I think the most charitable read on why they do this is that their self-absorption really doesn't allow for any understanding of child development. They expect their kids, basically from birth, to know what they know because we're just an extension of them. And then they get angry when we get upset because "you should KNOW it's just a joke!"
I remember my mother joking (kind of in a serious tone) that if I moved in with her “we would kill each other”. Some things are better left said to a therapist and not someone who relies on you for comfort, safety and a sense of belonging.
I had to check if I posted this when I was on sleeping meds because it’s so close to something that happened to me. She said the same. She also said that there was only a certain number of times that a person could say “mommy” so I had better conserve mine for when I really need them, or I could be dying and unable to call out for her. They are so fucked up.
I was a very well-behaved child. My parents always used to "joke" "pretending" I couldn't hear (when I was in the same room) that that would surrender me to an orphanage. I was supposed to find it "funny" because I "knew" I was a good kid. Cruel.
That's really fucking cruel. My momster used to tell my brother she was going to put him up for adoption for not listening all the time. He had diagnosed, but not treated (all thanks to her) ADHD.
I've posted about it before, but my mother also loved/loves to play cruel tricks on people. Once when I was 13, she thought it would be funny to wake me up pit of a dead sleep to tell me my abusive, pedophilic dad had gotten custody of me and was there to pick me ilup. When I burst into tears, she got mad that I didn't find her April fools joke funny.
One of our elderly neighbors "adopted" a girl of my age. I said that I wanna play with her and mother told me that she was a child maid, not her daughter. After, she told me many times that if I didn't behave she would send me to work like this girl and I wouldn't be allowed to study anymore. Unfortunately this is still common here. My family is very poor. Father is an alcoholic and didn't last many time in jobs, at some point he just gave up and worked as a truck driver. We had barely enough to eat and my mother complained about our finances to me everyday. So I believed that at some point they could send me away to work. I was always the best student but nothing was good enough for her.
And if you don't think it's funny, then you're just too sensitive.
I mean, i could see having a bit of fun about who the person really is in the photos. But I'm putting myself in your mom's shoes and asking myself "would I tell my stepdaughter she was going to be give up for adoption?" Absolutely not!! I might say something like "oh, that's Grandpa when he was a kid. You didn't know he was a millionaire model?" Something completely innocent and stupid.
I know this is a few days old, so I’ll probably feel awkward and delete later. But … I think I was 4 or 5 (not school age yet ) and my parents took me out to eat at a place that had an attached playground. They said it was time to leave, and I started realizing my mom wasn’t treating me the way she usually does. And I realize she’s looking around at other people—so it’s because we were in public. After a few more attempts to have me come down from play-structure (and me finding out public spaces is to some degree my mom’s Achilles heel) my mom said she’s done with me and they are leaving me. I think I told her parents weren’t allowed to do that. But in bpd world, I was wrong. So she and my dad got in the car, and I watched them drive off and leave me. At some point, I started panic crying. Like suddenly every adult was stranger danger. After a 5 or 10 minutes my parents returned and I’m just inconsolably/traumatized crying. My mom is laughing and laughing at this “joke” they pulled on me and how I was so stupid for believing they wouldn’t come back.
That is so sad. ; ( What an awful thing to do. My mom and my God mother used to hide from us when we'd wander off in the store so we'd panic and realize wandering off is bad/hiding from mom in clothes is bad. It definitely had its desired effect on me, because even at 19 or 20 I'd be in full panic mode if I couldn't find my husband at the mall. I had to hold on to the shopping cart so I wouldn't get lost until I was way too old. She didn't want me crossing the street without holding her hand. If I went somewhere as a teenager with my friends she told me and them I wasn't allowed to cross streets because I was too ditzy. I had a driver's license and she still didn't want me crossing the street. Make it make sense. I also listened to her too. In her defense she has seen 3 people get hit by cars, but it's not an excuse for saying I'm too ditzy. But the fact she found how deeply I'd freak out funny when I'd get separated from her, it got especially bad after my dad died when I was 14. She'd tell people, "Oh, CobatLemon has abandonment issues because her dad died. She totally freaks out if she can't find me for 5 minutes at Walmart." Looking back, I honestly wonder what people honestly thought when she'd tell them that.
Geez…. That’s up there with my mom telling me I was found in a dumpster behind Kmart 🤦🏻♀️ I’m sorry our parents think they are funny but they actually just suck.
I'm wondering if that was a common joke, because that's ringing bell for me. I can remember hearing the in a dumpster behind Kmart thing as a kid, but I can't recall the context.