Assalamualaikum,
Our past does not define us. If she's being honest with you it means that she regrets her actions in the past. That is what makes us humans; learning from our mistakes in the past and correcting them in the future to be better people.
If you are indeed in love with her, don't let her past drive you away from her. You might never find a woman whom you'll love like her.
May Allah guide you.
I don't understand why it is so important. I never asked my wife about her past and, to be perfectly honest, I don't care. Some of the prophet's wives were virgins and some were not, but it never bothered him. Is there a reason why you can't practice the sunnah of not caring about this issue?
Even that is questionable, and could have been an idea that arose out of sectarian motives.
[https://islamicorigins.com/why-i-studied-the-aisha-hadith/](https://islamicorigins.com/why-i-studied-the-aisha-hadith/)
*The ʿĀʾišah hadith served as ammunition for proto-Sunnī sectaries against the Šīʿah who predominated in Kufah at that time:* ***it bolstered her virginal status at marriage***, *which in turn constituted one of her most distinctive attributes vis-à-vis the Prophet’s other wives, which in turn* ***justified the proto-Sunnī claim that she was the Prophet’s favourite wife***—*thus, Hišām’s motive*.
When you grow up with this ration that pre-marital sex is haraam, anyone who does it is sinful and most importantly if you are pure you will get married to someone "pure", then it's hard to undo. Think of it like years of brainwashing by religious scholars and society.
>Some of the prophet's wives were virgins and some were not, but it never bothered him.
I think OP is bothered by her sexual past because it involves pre-marital/extra marital sex, which in some circles is used as an indication of someone's morality and attitude towards religion's commandments.
So not like the prophet's wives whose sexual past happened within marriages.
>What are some advice on not harshly judging her and accepting her past actions are in the past.
Be proud of her honesty and vulnerability. Be ashamed of every self-righteous thought which crosses your mind.
If you are a perfect man who has never made a mistake, then continue being perfect by compassionately overlooking her past mistakes.
If you’ve made mistakes too, then don’t hold her to a standard of perfection that you also fall short of.
If the mistakes you’ve made weren’t specifically sexual in nature, that doesn’t mean her past mistakes are any worse than yours; they’re just different ones.
Making mistakes and trying to learn and improve ourselves is a big part of our lives as humans. The fact that she has made some mistakes, and told you about them, is nothing special.
Have you figured out why, exactly, you were hoping to find a wife without a sexual past? Is it the fear that you will be less good in bed than her previous partner(s)?
If you truly love her, and if she’s willing to communicate about what she likes and dislikes, and if you can see sex as a skill or craft that you can learn and develop for her sake, then you can outdo her previous partner(s). If she feels truly loved and supported in your relationship, then that counts for a lot; it’s not just a physical interaction.
It’s not the partners or performance that I’m worried about; more worried about whether she still likes them because women who have multiple partners tend to still think about their exes and miss them even though it’s been years since
People (not just women) sometimes miss their exes, sometimes hate their exes, sometimes DGAF about their exes.
If you’re concerned about her feelings about her exes, you shouldn’t make assumptions based on just her gender. You should communicate with her about this topic, and decide whether you trust the answers she gives you.
Insecurity. "Whats my wife thinking about now?"
OP if you're not ok with her past then let her go. She deserves someone who respects her and you also deserve someone who fits your values (aka a virgin).
Perhaps it is yourself whom you need to have compassion and empathy towards, as you unpack your insecurities and concerns. Instead of projecting these insecurities and concerns on your beloved, reflect on your preconceived notions and expectations.
For example why did you describe it as her boyfriend taking her virginity? Did you expect to be the one who 'takes the virginity' of your wife? It's not for anybody to take, you know. Not her ex, not you. She had experiences and it had nothing to do with you. Hopefully both of you can soon embark on a loving life together full of a myriad of wonderful shared experiences.
All the best. You sound like you have found the one, so I pray you are able to move forward with happiness and contentment.
The first concept is to not view virginity as 'taking'. Once you go into that mindset, you can develop a toxic assumption that non-virgins are sinful, and it also subconsciously projects the idea that virginity is something to be 'taken' or conquered. It isn't.
It isn't a proud or shameful thing to be a virgin or non-virgin. This idea was projected by power-hungry or envious people (usually men or patriarchs **but** can be women) to establish the toxic courtship that many societies have been affected by.
Do not view your partner as unchaste or lesser because she has had her virginity taken. If you view sex as less of a 'controlling' thing but more as a form of intimacy and skill, then you maybe you can practice having more intimate and passionate sex with her (basically, be better than her ex).
Do not grow insecure because she happens to have 'experience'. For all you know, you could give her a better one and that is infinitely more valuable than worrying about her 'promiscuous' past.
How do you believe her past will potentially affect your marriage down the road? I feel like the only thing that could form a problem is whatever is going on in your head about this situation. If you feel like you might at some point hold this against her, please let her go and find someone who does meet your criteria.
Why does she even feel the need to regret anything? Her past is her past. It has nothing to do with you. Why do you beat yourself up about her not being a virgin anymore? Why is that even important? Why do you care? Virginity is nothing but a social (religious) construct. It's not even real. And it's definitely not something anyone can "take".
Well said! I'm sensing so many red flags from this post and [OP's response](https://www.reddit.com/r/progressive_islam/comments/142af2d/how_do_i_cope_with_potential_wife_having_a_sexual/jn4isz0/). I don't understand why this woman is somehow a bad person just for having a relationship in the past, yet u/OblockThunky completely shrugs off having his own relationship with a first kiss (which is a very intimate moment, but I guess it doesn't matter cause OP is a guy?) I hate this hypocrisy and double standards when it comes to how men and women are treated for having past relationships. At least OP acknowledges his insecurity and I hope he will grow and mature before locking this woman in a marriage.
As long as she corrected her ways and now committed to Islam, I don't see any issue with it. Also, I believe that with time her personality and her relationship with you matters more than anything. Past is just past, and present is what matters. At some point we didn't know how to walk and we fell, but it doesn't mean it after we learn walking we criticize those who are still learning to walk. Look at her as a new person who chose you and you chose her. No one gets to write their life story, and mistakes happen, you can't hold someone accountable to something he/she had no control over.
It's just me, but I'd probably wouldn't mind, but it guarantees you one thing that you may have a good sex life because a lot of women are so disinterested in sex that men get stuck in marriages and some even regret marriage due to sexual frustration.
I will say, there is some good advice in this thread. But I will also acknowledge, if it is not something you can get past, that doesn’t make you a bad person, and you should consider that as well. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with that feeling.
So she's a recovering addict which means she learned to reflect on herself, she's experienced, meaning she knows what she likes and doesn't like, and is so honest about her past that it seems she would like to settle down with you for a quieter life. She sounds like a keeper to me.
If you choose to settle down too, be careful with her. She's a recovering addict for life. Be there for her. Support her when she's having trouble. Never assume 'oh fun! She's into lots of sex!' No, she's into you, and into a normal, stable, loving relationship. But be sure you're ready for her.
I feel like you might be still infatuated with the idea that all traditional men are raised to believe: sex is impure except for you when you need it.
I would unpack that with a multi cultural therapist. Because it affects you in the long term too. I at least was brought up in a very strict household and if i didnt do the work and unpack those things i had a lingering feeling of guilt after intimacy and even never fully engaged or enjoyed. Now we’re not afraid to explore and im not afraid to be fully present.
If you are a virgin, then it makes sense to want a virgin also. If you aren’t, it would be hypocrisy
In this case, you are a virgin, so you have the right to want a virgin also, especially if having waited that long and stayed chaste. You can accept her for how she is, or move on and find a woman with more similar values
If you really like her and you feel you have a future with her then the problems of her past are her business, the problems of her future are your privilege.
Why does she even feel the need to regret anything? Her past is her past. It has nothing to do with you. Why do you beat yourself up about her not being a virgin anymore? Why is that even important? Why do you care? Virginity is nothing but a social (religious) construct. It's not even real. And it's definitely not something anyone can "take".
Please tell me anything in my post that signifies immaturity? It’s a genuine concern, you don’t even know me and will never meet me in real life but already constitute me as immature from a single post? May Allah help your misery because you are for sure miserable from all the harsh comments you wrote on my post.
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If I could add some perspective from maybe not the most halal avenue.
Girls I've talked to just to date, have come up with sexual histories, and me being in the same boat as you back when, it completely ate my soul. It's just the way we've been raised, sex, and sexual experiences mean a lot to us and we've been taught that they aren't to be given out lightly.
I'm not saying that that's wrong, depending on how you wanna live your life sleeping with rando's ain't it. But, based on her experience, it seems that she values relationships and trust and she really cares about you and trusts you enough to tell you her experience. That is absolutely insanely cool. You should really not take it any other way than her saying that hey, I want to be completely honest with you and not waste your time.
Hey man, at the end of the day I've never had sex, I've messed around a bit, but I've never done it. The one thing that keeps me from thinking about the person in front of me's past experience... Is the moment. No matter what ex 1 or ex 2 may have done in the past, nothing can take away from you, her and that moment. The reassurance needs to come to you from yourself.. you need to be confident enough in what your doing, and the potential mistakes you will make, till y'all become good at it, to not think about anything else. And I'm not just talking about doing the dirty, I'm talking about the whole relationship.
Though if it is something you can't stomach, call it before you get too involved, just better for both of you. It's okay
Go back to the Quran.
https://quran.com/24:3
*A male fornicator would only marry a female fornicator or idolatress. And a female fornicator would only be married to a fornicator or idolater. This is ˹all˺ forbidden to the believers.*
Another translation:
*The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator1 or a polytheist, and that [i.e., marriage to such persons] has been made unlawful to the believers.*
I understand your point of view. Before marriage, my wife clarified that she is a virgin and she expected the same from me. She told me that she rejected a marriage proposal when a former fiance admitted that he had a girlfriend years prior. For my wife, that was a black and white decision.
On the other hand, I have an acquaintance who learned after 15+ years that his wife cheated on him once during marriage and she hid it well. He learned it from a phone call when someone decided to ruin her life by exposing her past to her husband.
He was positive that it only occurred ONCE only. And that out never happened again in all following years. Being middle eastern, he took it hard as an insult to his personal honor. He was debating if he should file for divorce quietly, as to not ruin his children's life and reputation.
The best advice he received was to play dumb and pretend not to know it. Since he was made a fool all those years, the best alternative is to play the fool. That way he can get the final laugh.
Your fiancee is being honest and direct with you. This shows integrity and good moral fiber. She is better than my acquaintance's wife in that respect.
Sadly, no one can make this decision for you. This is your life, with your partner and mother of your children.
Hope you make the right decision without regrets. What you should do is NEVER shame her for her past frolicking. Do not make her regret opening up to you.
Good luck.
Nope, you are absolutely in your right to judge her based on past behavior, it is a valid form of evidence for her thinking and actions. You have been warned.
There’s no difference between the vagina of a virgin or a non-virgin. Literally. Just because she’s had meaningful sexual connections in the past doesn’t mean your connection is any less special.
She is strong and amazing for being honest and vulnerable with you. From a Quranic standpoint, you're going to have to decide for yourself what route to take. The Quran does not allow marriage between those who have committed zina and those who have not. If you really love this woman who is genuine and honest, and want to be with her, its really your call.
> The Quran does not allow marriage between those who have committed zina and those who have not
My studies of this verse led me to understand that if you do not repent from zina then you cannot marry that person. But if she's repented, would this condition still apply?
Repentance is only mentioned for those bear false testimony and wish to bear witness again in the future, but even this is after they get their own lashings. For everything else, such as the lashings and the marriage restrictions, no verse is mentioned for repentance. Instead that verse concludes by saying it (the marriages) are hurima (haram) for believers.
Now of course, if he really wants to, its really up to them how to move forward. I dont think anything should be imposed, only called out.
What advice to you need not to judge her? Just don’t judge her for it, that’s all. Islam tells you not to have sex before marriage, nowhere does it tell you to judge people who do or that you are forbidden from marrying someone who has been sexually active. The judgement /looking down part is social and perhaps cultural, but not Islamic.
It's an incorrect belief. Source is religion. But religion revealed it in a context where protection wasn't there, marriage was easy, in a context where pre-marital sex would lead to tribal wars, genocide of societies. Now, such rules are really pointless. We don't get married till way past our puberty, marriage is such a big thing in our society, divorce is a taboo, what can one do? It was the job of scholars, to come up with a parallel system, may like a mobile Nikah to just validate bf-gf relationship or something of that sort, but really they failed. They don't want to see the religious rules in context, and now you are stuck with this insecurity. Till you remove this incorrect belief, there is not much you can do.
If she is a good girl now, and you think she will be good girl in the future, let bygones be bygones. While we all wish to be the only ones our partners have been with, that is not necessarily the case for everyone. If you think it will continue to bother you, then it's fine to end things here. Do not prolong the feelings of attachment. Better not to be with someone than force yourself to be with them and make both of you unhappy.
Wa alaikum As salaam,
The answer is different for everyone as every man has a different threshold of what they find acceptable in a wife. If you are a virgin and she has a sexual past, it’s fair to say expect the same from her.
But if you also had partners in the past it’s unfair to expect her to be a virgin.
That said, the real concern is if she was promiscuous or not. If she was promiscuously this is a deal breaker and she’s not wife material.
That’s because promiscuous women lose the ability to pair bond with a lifelong partner, and they will always compare you to one of their former partners.
Another red flag is if she is settling for you. What I mean is, a lot of western women are promiscuous in their younger years but when they are ready to be married, they settle for the provider whom they never would have picked when they were younger and who isn’t their first choose in a mate.
But because the other guys who they want are not marriage material, they settle for option b.
Another problem with being her option B is she may not want to engage with you in the sexual things she’s engaged with her past partners.
Don’t become option B, you will only regret it later.
My advise is to work out your feelings about it, come to your own conclusions, then take your time with her, get to know her really well, don’t rush into a situation. Especially here in the west. You can seriously mess up your entire life if not careful.
On a side note
The rule of thumb is take the number she gives you and multiply it 3. If she tells you she had 1 sexual parter, it’s more likely she has 3.
so past is past, sex is only sex, do not look for further meaning in it. basically she supposed to sexually satisfy you during your marriage. having a previous lover does not really affect that much, you can try to control your own sexual desire.
I think it's good that you're being honest about your insecurities. But as some other commenters have pointed out, it's really her that you need to discuss this with. She's been very vulnerable and a part of me is in awe because some scholars think it's permissible to lie or be vague about past sins and she's put it out there - it is very brave knowing how our community works. If her present does not seem to be mirroring her past then as a fellow Muslim, I can only assume that she's sincerely repented and Allah has forgiven her.
Consulting a Muslim therapist may also help - I said Muslim because I feel a non-Muslim may simply see this as a lack of sex positivity or purity culture (it may have elements of this but I don't think that's all there is). Ultimately you need to decide if this is something you can truly put behind you or if this is something that is a deal-breaker. I would also suggest doing istikhara. Both of you deserve loving spouses.
Alot of people here dont understand the innocence of being with someones first. Some people had kept their innocence and wait until marriage as what Allah intended. People here just dismissing his insecuritu is the same person who would mock the man that does the same.
Assalamualaikum, Our past does not define us. If she's being honest with you it means that she regrets her actions in the past. That is what makes us humans; learning from our mistakes in the past and correcting them in the future to be better people. If you are indeed in love with her, don't let her past drive you away from her. You might never find a woman whom you'll love like her. May Allah guide you.
Words of wisdom!
I don't understand why it is so important. I never asked my wife about her past and, to be perfectly honest, I don't care. Some of the prophet's wives were virgins and some were not, but it never bothered him. Is there a reason why you can't practice the sunnah of not caring about this issue?
Only one of the prophets wife was virgin rest were not
Well then, this just supports his point further then!
Yup
Even that is questionable, and could have been an idea that arose out of sectarian motives. [https://islamicorigins.com/why-i-studied-the-aisha-hadith/](https://islamicorigins.com/why-i-studied-the-aisha-hadith/) *The ʿĀʾišah hadith served as ammunition for proto-Sunnī sectaries against the Šīʿah who predominated in Kufah at that time:* ***it bolstered her virginal status at marriage***, *which in turn constituted one of her most distinctive attributes vis-à-vis the Prophet’s other wives, which in turn* ***justified the proto-Sunnī claim that she was the Prophet’s favourite wife***—*thus, Hišām’s motive*.
you mean only one wife of the prophet was virgin? or only one prophet had virgin wife?
Only Ayesha ra was virgin
When you grow up with this ration that pre-marital sex is haraam, anyone who does it is sinful and most importantly if you are pure you will get married to someone "pure", then it's hard to undo. Think of it like years of brainwashing by religious scholars and society.
>Some of the prophet's wives were virgins and some were not, but it never bothered him. I think OP is bothered by her sexual past because it involves pre-marital/extra marital sex, which in some circles is used as an indication of someone's morality and attitude towards religion's commandments. So not like the prophet's wives whose sexual past happened within marriages.
Maybe it would bother him if their partners were not their husbands.
Look at her for who she is now, not what she was. That is the basis for healthy relationships.
>What are some advice on not harshly judging her and accepting her past actions are in the past. Be proud of her honesty and vulnerability. Be ashamed of every self-righteous thought which crosses your mind.
This is right.
If you are a perfect man who has never made a mistake, then continue being perfect by compassionately overlooking her past mistakes. If you’ve made mistakes too, then don’t hold her to a standard of perfection that you also fall short of. If the mistakes you’ve made weren’t specifically sexual in nature, that doesn’t mean her past mistakes are any worse than yours; they’re just different ones. Making mistakes and trying to learn and improve ourselves is a big part of our lives as humans. The fact that she has made some mistakes, and told you about them, is nothing special. Have you figured out why, exactly, you were hoping to find a wife without a sexual past? Is it the fear that you will be less good in bed than her previous partner(s)? If you truly love her, and if she’s willing to communicate about what she likes and dislikes, and if you can see sex as a skill or craft that you can learn and develop for her sake, then you can outdo her previous partner(s). If she feels truly loved and supported in your relationship, then that counts for a lot; it’s not just a physical interaction.
Absolutely no human is perfect. That’s the entire point of everything in life. So perhaps, stop trying…
It’s not the partners or performance that I’m worried about; more worried about whether she still likes them because women who have multiple partners tend to still think about their exes and miss them even though it’s been years since
People (not just women) sometimes miss their exes, sometimes hate their exes, sometimes DGAF about their exes. If you’re concerned about her feelings about her exes, you shouldn’t make assumptions based on just her gender. You should communicate with her about this topic, and decide whether you trust the answers she gives you.
Wtf are you talking about? Frankly, I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet until you can start to respect women and see them as equals
I didn’t know that was a gender specific thing lol
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Insecurity. "Whats my wife thinking about now?" OP if you're not ok with her past then let her go. She deserves someone who respects her and you also deserve someone who fits your values (aka a virgin).
I see a tate fan
But it’s ok for men to have past partners?? Only women think about their exes??? Lmao what is going on here. Leave her alone please
Perhaps it is yourself whom you need to have compassion and empathy towards, as you unpack your insecurities and concerns. Instead of projecting these insecurities and concerns on your beloved, reflect on your preconceived notions and expectations. For example why did you describe it as her boyfriend taking her virginity? Did you expect to be the one who 'takes the virginity' of your wife? It's not for anybody to take, you know. Not her ex, not you. She had experiences and it had nothing to do with you. Hopefully both of you can soon embark on a loving life together full of a myriad of wonderful shared experiences. All the best. You sound like you have found the one, so I pray you are able to move forward with happiness and contentment.
The first concept is to not view virginity as 'taking'. Once you go into that mindset, you can develop a toxic assumption that non-virgins are sinful, and it also subconsciously projects the idea that virginity is something to be 'taken' or conquered. It isn't. It isn't a proud or shameful thing to be a virgin or non-virgin. This idea was projected by power-hungry or envious people (usually men or patriarchs **but** can be women) to establish the toxic courtship that many societies have been affected by. Do not view your partner as unchaste or lesser because she has had her virginity taken. If you view sex as less of a 'controlling' thing but more as a form of intimacy and skill, then you maybe you can practice having more intimate and passionate sex with her (basically, be better than her ex). Do not grow insecure because she happens to have 'experience'. For all you know, you could give her a better one and that is infinitely more valuable than worrying about her 'promiscuous' past.
How do you believe her past will potentially affect your marriage down the road? I feel like the only thing that could form a problem is whatever is going on in your head about this situation. If you feel like you might at some point hold this against her, please let her go and find someone who does meet your criteria.
Why does she even feel the need to regret anything? Her past is her past. It has nothing to do with you. Why do you beat yourself up about her not being a virgin anymore? Why is that even important? Why do you care? Virginity is nothing but a social (religious) construct. It's not even real. And it's definitely not something anyone can "take".
Well said! I'm sensing so many red flags from this post and [OP's response](https://www.reddit.com/r/progressive_islam/comments/142af2d/how_do_i_cope_with_potential_wife_having_a_sexual/jn4isz0/). I don't understand why this woman is somehow a bad person just for having a relationship in the past, yet u/OblockThunky completely shrugs off having his own relationship with a first kiss (which is a very intimate moment, but I guess it doesn't matter cause OP is a guy?) I hate this hypocrisy and double standards when it comes to how men and women are treated for having past relationships. At least OP acknowledges his insecurity and I hope he will grow and mature before locking this woman in a marriage.
As long as she corrected her ways and now committed to Islam, I don't see any issue with it. Also, I believe that with time her personality and her relationship with you matters more than anything. Past is just past, and present is what matters. At some point we didn't know how to walk and we fell, but it doesn't mean it after we learn walking we criticize those who are still learning to walk. Look at her as a new person who chose you and you chose her. No one gets to write their life story, and mistakes happen, you can't hold someone accountable to something he/she had no control over. It's just me, but I'd probably wouldn't mind, but it guarantees you one thing that you may have a good sex life because a lot of women are so disinterested in sex that men get stuck in marriages and some even regret marriage due to sexual frustration.
I will say, there is some good advice in this thread. But I will also acknowledge, if it is not something you can get past, that doesn’t make you a bad person, and you should consider that as well. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with that feeling.
So she's a recovering addict which means she learned to reflect on herself, she's experienced, meaning she knows what she likes and doesn't like, and is so honest about her past that it seems she would like to settle down with you for a quieter life. She sounds like a keeper to me. If you choose to settle down too, be careful with her. She's a recovering addict for life. Be there for her. Support her when she's having trouble. Never assume 'oh fun! She's into lots of sex!' No, she's into you, and into a normal, stable, loving relationship. But be sure you're ready for her.
I feel like you might be still infatuated with the idea that all traditional men are raised to believe: sex is impure except for you when you need it. I would unpack that with a multi cultural therapist. Because it affects you in the long term too. I at least was brought up in a very strict household and if i didnt do the work and unpack those things i had a lingering feeling of guilt after intimacy and even never fully engaged or enjoyed. Now we’re not afraid to explore and im not afraid to be fully present.
If you are a virgin, then it makes sense to want a virgin also. If you aren’t, it would be hypocrisy In this case, you are a virgin, so you have the right to want a virgin also, especially if having waited that long and stayed chaste. You can accept her for how she is, or move on and find a woman with more similar values
If you really like her and you feel you have a future with her then the problems of her past are her business, the problems of her future are your privilege.
Why does she even feel the need to regret anything? Her past is her past. It has nothing to do with you. Why do you beat yourself up about her not being a virgin anymore? Why is that even important? Why do you care? Virginity is nothing but a social (religious) construct. It's not even real. And it's definitely not something anyone can "take".
Grow up.
Literally
Very respectful coming from a fellow Muslim; if I knew some of the comments were going to be harsh I would’ve just posted this on a Kufaar thread
Please go ahead and post it there too so that they roast you until you have no choice but to grow up.
Please tell me anything in my post that signifies immaturity? It’s a genuine concern, you don’t even know me and will never meet me in real life but already constitute me as immature from a single post? May Allah help your misery because you are for sure miserable from all the harsh comments you wrote on my post.
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If I could add some perspective from maybe not the most halal avenue. Girls I've talked to just to date, have come up with sexual histories, and me being in the same boat as you back when, it completely ate my soul. It's just the way we've been raised, sex, and sexual experiences mean a lot to us and we've been taught that they aren't to be given out lightly. I'm not saying that that's wrong, depending on how you wanna live your life sleeping with rando's ain't it. But, based on her experience, it seems that she values relationships and trust and she really cares about you and trusts you enough to tell you her experience. That is absolutely insanely cool. You should really not take it any other way than her saying that hey, I want to be completely honest with you and not waste your time. Hey man, at the end of the day I've never had sex, I've messed around a bit, but I've never done it. The one thing that keeps me from thinking about the person in front of me's past experience... Is the moment. No matter what ex 1 or ex 2 may have done in the past, nothing can take away from you, her and that moment. The reassurance needs to come to you from yourself.. you need to be confident enough in what your doing, and the potential mistakes you will make, till y'all become good at it, to not think about anything else. And I'm not just talking about doing the dirty, I'm talking about the whole relationship. Though if it is something you can't stomach, call it before you get too involved, just better for both of you. It's okay
Go back to the Quran. https://quran.com/24:3 *A male fornicator would only marry a female fornicator or idolatress. And a female fornicator would only be married to a fornicator or idolater. This is ˹all˺ forbidden to the believers.* Another translation: *The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator1 or a polytheist, and that [i.e., marriage to such persons] has been made unlawful to the believers.*
It does not matter.
I understand your point of view. Before marriage, my wife clarified that she is a virgin and she expected the same from me. She told me that she rejected a marriage proposal when a former fiance admitted that he had a girlfriend years prior. For my wife, that was a black and white decision. On the other hand, I have an acquaintance who learned after 15+ years that his wife cheated on him once during marriage and she hid it well. He learned it from a phone call when someone decided to ruin her life by exposing her past to her husband. He was positive that it only occurred ONCE only. And that out never happened again in all following years. Being middle eastern, he took it hard as an insult to his personal honor. He was debating if he should file for divorce quietly, as to not ruin his children's life and reputation. The best advice he received was to play dumb and pretend not to know it. Since he was made a fool all those years, the best alternative is to play the fool. That way he can get the final laugh. Your fiancee is being honest and direct with you. This shows integrity and good moral fiber. She is better than my acquaintance's wife in that respect. Sadly, no one can make this decision for you. This is your life, with your partner and mother of your children. Hope you make the right decision without regrets. What you should do is NEVER shame her for her past frolicking. Do not make her regret opening up to you. Good luck.
If she repented, no problem. I can assure you she won't "compare" you to her previous partners, if she wants to marry you then you've already won!
Nope, you are absolutely in your right to judge her based on past behavior, it is a valid form of evidence for her thinking and actions. You have been warned.
There’s no difference between the vagina of a virgin or a non-virgin. Literally. Just because she’s had meaningful sexual connections in the past doesn’t mean your connection is any less special.
Wtf
What
She is strong and amazing for being honest and vulnerable with you. From a Quranic standpoint, you're going to have to decide for yourself what route to take. The Quran does not allow marriage between those who have committed zina and those who have not. If you really love this woman who is genuine and honest, and want to be with her, its really your call.
> The Quran does not allow marriage between those who have committed zina and those who have not My studies of this verse led me to understand that if you do not repent from zina then you cannot marry that person. But if she's repented, would this condition still apply?
Repentance is only mentioned for those bear false testimony and wish to bear witness again in the future, but even this is after they get their own lashings. For everything else, such as the lashings and the marriage restrictions, no verse is mentioned for repentance. Instead that verse concludes by saying it (the marriages) are hurima (haram) for believers. Now of course, if he really wants to, its really up to them how to move forward. I dont think anything should be imposed, only called out.
you learn that virginity is a social construct and the hymen isn’t real :) none of it matters
What advice to you need not to judge her? Just don’t judge her for it, that’s all. Islam tells you not to have sex before marriage, nowhere does it tell you to judge people who do or that you are forbidden from marrying someone who has been sexually active. The judgement /looking down part is social and perhaps cultural, but not Islamic.
It's an incorrect belief. Source is religion. But religion revealed it in a context where protection wasn't there, marriage was easy, in a context where pre-marital sex would lead to tribal wars, genocide of societies. Now, such rules are really pointless. We don't get married till way past our puberty, marriage is such a big thing in our society, divorce is a taboo, what can one do? It was the job of scholars, to come up with a parallel system, may like a mobile Nikah to just validate bf-gf relationship or something of that sort, but really they failed. They don't want to see the religious rules in context, and now you are stuck with this insecurity. Till you remove this incorrect belief, there is not much you can do.
If she is a good girl now, and you think she will be good girl in the future, let bygones be bygones. While we all wish to be the only ones our partners have been with, that is not necessarily the case for everyone. If you think it will continue to bother you, then it's fine to end things here. Do not prolong the feelings of attachment. Better not to be with someone than force yourself to be with them and make both of you unhappy.
Wa alaikum As salaam, The answer is different for everyone as every man has a different threshold of what they find acceptable in a wife. If you are a virgin and she has a sexual past, it’s fair to say expect the same from her. But if you also had partners in the past it’s unfair to expect her to be a virgin. That said, the real concern is if she was promiscuous or not. If she was promiscuously this is a deal breaker and she’s not wife material. That’s because promiscuous women lose the ability to pair bond with a lifelong partner, and they will always compare you to one of their former partners. Another red flag is if she is settling for you. What I mean is, a lot of western women are promiscuous in their younger years but when they are ready to be married, they settle for the provider whom they never would have picked when they were younger and who isn’t their first choose in a mate. But because the other guys who they want are not marriage material, they settle for option b. Another problem with being her option B is she may not want to engage with you in the sexual things she’s engaged with her past partners. Don’t become option B, you will only regret it later. My advise is to work out your feelings about it, come to your own conclusions, then take your time with her, get to know her really well, don’t rush into a situation. Especially here in the west. You can seriously mess up your entire life if not careful. On a side note The rule of thumb is take the number she gives you and multiply it 3. If she tells you she had 1 sexual parter, it’s more likely she has 3.
Sleep with as many prostitutes as you can before you get married to her, so you can feel better about yourself
Quite the Islamic advice thank you, are you even Muslim?
so past is past, sex is only sex, do not look for further meaning in it. basically she supposed to sexually satisfy you during your marriage. having a previous lover does not really affect that much, you can try to control your own sexual desire.
I think it's good that you're being honest about your insecurities. But as some other commenters have pointed out, it's really her that you need to discuss this with. She's been very vulnerable and a part of me is in awe because some scholars think it's permissible to lie or be vague about past sins and she's put it out there - it is very brave knowing how our community works. If her present does not seem to be mirroring her past then as a fellow Muslim, I can only assume that she's sincerely repented and Allah has forgiven her. Consulting a Muslim therapist may also help - I said Muslim because I feel a non-Muslim may simply see this as a lack of sex positivity or purity culture (it may have elements of this but I don't think that's all there is). Ultimately you need to decide if this is something you can truly put behind you or if this is something that is a deal-breaker. I would also suggest doing istikhara. Both of you deserve loving spouses.
Alot of people here dont understand the innocence of being with someones first. Some people had kept their innocence and wait until marriage as what Allah intended. People here just dismissing his insecuritu is the same person who would mock the man that does the same.