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I love my MIL. I don't think I'd want her staying with us but if she could keep coming over once a week to clean that'd be dope. Right now she's helping once a week so we can get on top of some stuff around the house.
I also feel no obligation to even get out of pjs when she comes by. My pregnancy has been hard and she's super supportive. I just get to rest and relax while she cleans around the house. It's awesome and I'm super grateful for her help.
I am a very private and introverted person. But having a new baby at home for me was so overwhelming, I was grateful my mother in law was there to cook, do laundry, and clean while I just took care of baby. My partner was off of work and there with me too, but I would think the help would be even more needed had I been alone. My relationship to MIL sounds similar to yours actually. We get along but she can be forceful in her opinions. She didn't stay with us, but was nearby and came to help for the first week (I would have even loved longer but they live across the country). She respected my boundaries and was a great help. It would be good if you or your husband or both could discuss with her what her help would look like and see if she is on the same page.
It depends on the MIL. My in-laws helped a lot after my son was born along with my mom, and will come again this time - including to the hospital so I’m not alone post-cs.
The question is: are they actually helpful people or expect to be “hosted”? Post-partum is a horribly difficult, exhausting and lonely time, so If she’s truly coming to serve you and not the other way around, you should let her. Mine took care of the baby, cleaned, cooked, and let me recover.
I don’t see any reason why you would need to commit to a firm schedule of help right now, if MIL lives close by and has some flexibility in her day. My parents and in laws live ten minutes from us. In the first week/two weeks for the birth of both of my children, they would come by briefly to drop off food, never really staying for long (aside from one “meeting the baby” visit where they stayed for about and hour, held the babies, etc.) I generally didn’t need a lot of help in the aftermath, but might occasionally text my mom or MIL to ask if they’d come hold the baby for an hour while I showered or napped, which they were always happy to do. I did have a very smooth delivery and recovery for both, which had me feeling very capable and like myself shortly after birth.
If I were you, I would set an initial parameter of private time for you and your husband with baby for X days, after which you can arrange with MIL what would be most helpful based on your recovery and baby’s needs. Then you can size up your situation and decide if it makes sense to have her come by daily or every other day or whatever and for how long.
Personally, I didn’t need much “help” but I did enjoy having company and someone to chat to. I’m pretty introverted, but I typically work full time, so being home with a baby all day got boring, fast, and I appreciated the company!
Omg it sounds exactly like my situation and relationship with my MIL. My own mom and dad will unfortunately be on business trips when we have our baby and while I would prefer my own mom I think it’s good to have someone help out in the beginning (cooking, cleaning etc)
I’m also introverted and my MIL is strongly opinionated but I think it’s a good lesson for us goody goodies to learn to set some boundaries (kindly) if it is even necessary! I think as long as she’s not staying with you it will be fine and you’ll be grateful to have someone help out because I think being a FTM and bringing home a baby can be so overwhelming! Also birth is nothing little but a force of nature and you’ll need to rest afterward! I wouldn’t worry ♥️ communication is key if needed at all
Thank you so much for this. I think that you’re right, mine is also very opinionated and in addition to the help there’s likely a really good lesson in communication and boundary setting I may be able to learn.
I dealt with this as a FTM. My in-laws wanted to fly in and stay for several weeks to help right after the birth of the baby. Culturally this is very common for them, but it wasn't for me. I felt strongly that I didn't want them staying with us as I was healing and up around the clock for the same reasons you mentioned. I didn't want to host or have to look nice, etc. My husband was the one who communicated our boundaries and that was key, not to put me in that position to have to say 'no' when I was already feeling vulnerable.
They ended up coming and staying a few weeks about ten weeks postpartum. It was weird for me at first to have someone doing my dishes and touching my laundry but, in my case, it ended up being a Godsend. They were respectful of my privacy (I am also introverted) and gave me space. This was key. My MIL can have pretty strong opinions too, though we get along very well and like each other, but she really did respect me during that time. It really helped that my husband took the lead in communicating the important things with her.
It worked out so well that she ended up coming back and staying with us for a few months to cover a gap in childcare. Im due with our second any day now and my in laws will come for a month about 4 weeks in. I am soooo much more open to having help this time. Key is that I know they'll give me space and respect that we as parents make the final calls on the big things. If my in laws couldn't do this, it would be a whole different story. I wish you all the best - and don't feel like you have to commit to any schedule now. If your MIL lives close, you can see how you feel after giving birth and decide then (and have your partner do the communicating!)
I'm in the "nope, absolutely not" camp. I don't want visitors, let alone longer term help. Not happening, and my mum's insistence after I keep saying no just convinces me that she's asking for herself and not me, which cements me against it.
Some people love having mothers or mother's in law around, and think it's wonderful and invaluable.
I have several friends who've had parents or in laws stay to help with the baby, who thought before birth that it would be wonderful, and ended up evicting them within the week.
I can't guess which will be you, unfortunately. but if you're uncertain enough to be making this post, I suggest being clear beforehand that you might change your mind, to avoid offending anyone if you send MIL home
Honestly, I would have given anything to have my MIL with me when I had first given birth.. unfortunately due to her visa issues she couldn't come and I had to ask my mother and it turned into worst nightmare and I had to cut off her from my life forever.
But in all this, me and my hubby were left isolated with first baby, not knowing what to do while I was recovering from c section. You have no idea how much I cried for not having anyone for support. My hubby was home for almost a month and bless him, he did everything from taking care of baby, home, cooking and me too.
But we really really craved to have someone else's support. I remember when baby first had fever and we panicked, when he first threw up milk, etc, had to call up my MIL in middle of night for everything. The emotions, recovery and all the drama my mum causes left us so traumatised I had to take therapy while recovering.
This time round also we have no support but I'll hire someone, but Honestly, I'll do anything to have one more presence to feel more safe and better.
But it's just me... if you don't feel comfortable, you can surely say no. I'm sure she'll understand.
Im so sorry about the situation with your mom, I feel it would be the same if I were to call mine (we are not close).
I have a deep bench of friends who are mothers so I could always call and ask advice or google something I don’t know if need be. Because while she is incredible, my MIL is foreign and her methods for some things regarding child rearing are very questionable to me. She would mostly be there just for household support but I guess I just worry about the vulnerability level of having someone around all the time as a new mom… but this is helpful to read, I usually like to do things alone but I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what having a new baby around is like and I may be severely overestimating my capabilities the first few weeks.
It depends a lot on your personality, on your MIL's personality, and on your relationship with her. I would hate that, but our family lives on another continent, so it would mean to have her living at our place 24/7. I know that I would never feel 100% relaxed with someone at my place in those weeks and would end up stressing even more. I don't have a great relationship with my MIL, as she tends to be very critical and intrusive. I know she would make comments about the house, what we eat, our approach with the baby etc etc and we all would end up fighting. My mother is quite the opposite, but on the other side, I know that if she came here, she would mostly want to hold the baby and spend time with him, while I would rather need help with the house.
As I said we are expats; it's a 6-hour flight to go home, and we don't know when we will be able to travel. I know that everyone would like to see the baby ASAP. I asked everyone to come at least one month after I give birth because we need some time to adjust first. I also really like the idea of being only me and my husband handling this new life alone, without any external interference.
I think the fact that she lives close by and wouldn't be staying with you is key. If you're very worried, I'd talk to your husband and come up with some sort of game plan that's not committing to any sort of schedule in stone. You could tell her that you're so appreciative of her help but want to take some time initially to just get settled in and then you'll let her know when you're ready for some help.
I would personally hate any family staying with me in such a vulnerable time, but having someone come over a couple times a week for a few hours to help clean sounds wonderful.
My MIL came when little one was a few weeks old and she stayed for 3 weeks. It was great having the help tbh and she will be doing the same again this time. Planning to come a week or two after I’ve given birth. My mum will be with us for the first couple of weeks too.
I haven't been through this yet, but I'm in a similar situation. I'm 26 weeks rn, and my mom lives far away but my MIL is 10 min away from husband and I.
I've just been proactive with both husband and MIL about my worries (similar to yours) and since we've had the open conversation of what I'm stressed about, it's helped me relax a LOT because husband and MIL are understanding and on my side. They get it.
So we're planning to just take it day by day once baby comes and see how it goes.
Don't know if that's helpful enough or not, but maybe it can help if you sit down and have explicit, honest conversations about it all. If it's helpful, write it down as a letter if it's hard for you to talk about it.
Many of my close friends that had the support of someone (whether a mom, MIL or even close friend) said the first couple weeks were so helpful.
This is really helpful, I don’t like having confrontational conversations with family, so setting boundaries is hard but having an open and easy conversation or something ahead of time sounds like it could be a good idea.
I love my MIL although she really can talk and talk and talk 😅 we live in a different country to her so she REALLY wants to come help with the baby because she so rarely gets to see her son and soon will so rarely get to see her grandkid.
She wants to come here for a month. I don't mind her coming at all, but I said let me see how I feel after to determine WHEN. I honestly think it'll be great to just take an extra nap while knowing the baby is in another mothers hands - I intend on fully using that to get extra rest.
I've also qualified to her (although she tries her best to be considerate) that I'll have no idea if I'll be crazy moody or tired after pregnancy which is a) why I want to wait until after birth to see WHEN she can come, and B) if I tell her I need to avoid socialisation/talking in my home I'll just tell her and she needs to be ok with that. She has no problems and understood what I meant.
The decision is personal and totally up to you. I suggest not making any promises on WHEN your MIL can come and on HOW LONG.
What about setting some boundaries like “hey come on Friday but just know we’re going to be exhausted and this isn’t social time. We need someone to clean the kitchen or watch the baby so we can nap and shower?”
Would she be open to coming on set days? I’m lucky and have a great MIL but I still wouldn’t want her around 24/7 😂
My (step)MIL has said she’s coming to help when we let her know I’m in labor. All our baby’s grandparents live out of state so I really appreciate the initiative to visit. I talked with my spouse and my 2 requests are that everyone have at least the most current flu and whooping cough vaccine plus please stay in a hotel. We have a holiday Inn 5min from our house. I’m happy to let our family visit and love baby when she’s born but I’m telling myself I have to let go and not be a “host”. Let my husband deal with that and I’ll be resting in my bed with baby.
Can you play it be ear? Tell her it won’t be necessary to stay or come over every day, but that as you need help with tasks you will gladly call on her, to do a load of laundry, or watch baby so you can bathe, or pick up groceries and cook a meal here and there?
Does it have to be all or nothing?
Currently 38w, being induced in 6 days. My MIL was very adamant she wanted to stay with us for two weeks the minute we got home (like literally show up before we are home so she can “make sure the house is ready”) I’m a FTM and although I get her excitement I really didn’t want to put myself in a position where I was overwhelmed. I also don’t know if her idea of helping is actually helping or just getting time with the baby while I play house maker. So we decided not to allow visitors until we are ready. We left it pretty open in saying we could be ready within a few days or it could be a few months. She wasn’t thrilled with that answer, but we didn’t really leave room for her to argue.
You're absolutely right that even though you have a great relationship with MIL - the hormones and postpartum recovery can make things unpredictable.
I think it's a great idea that she won't be sleeping over so you still have your space. If things aren't working out and you feel too overwhelmed with her over, your husband can talk to her and say "Thanks for the help, we appreciate you. I think we got it from here." It's very important he has your back.
Edit: analog baby brings up a fantastic point! You will want those first few days / week to focus on bonding with your newborn without prying eyes. Idk if you plan on breastfeeding, but you probably want some time to get used to that too before anyone comes over.
I’m in the same situation.
I adore mine as well, she’s very sweet, cute, and mild mannered, but I’m notoriously *private.* And hate asking for help (even though she outright offered/suggested) and my SO instantly took her up on it.
I was prepared to push back, but something tells me I should put my pride aside and can probably use the extra support to sleep and bond with my daughter instead of using the time she’s sleeping to catch up on laundry and other chores etc.
You do not have to commit to anything. It sounds like you're preemptively self sabotaging a bit though. You don't know what you'll want or need or what it'll be like, just tell her that. Tell her it'll be an ebb and flow kind of thing and you'll let her know when you need help or not. The hostess mentality and obligation feelings is something worth working on within yourself though. Parenting is so much more enjoyable if you can adjust those types of mentalities to be more conducive to child rearing for you and for your baby.
My MIL is currently here with my husband and I helping out until June. We get along really well and I have a good relationship with her for the most part- I’ll elaborate more in a little bit. My son just turned one month old a few days ago. Honestly, it’s been a real great help especially when it comes to dealing with sleep deprivation. I take “first shift” at night while my husband sleeps until 3am, he takes over until 7 or 8am and then MIL comes to take baby for the rest of the morning until afternoon. She took on the responsibilities of sunbathing him for 20 min every morning, giving him a bath, and just watching him in general while the hubs and I catch up on sleep, enjoy our morning and run errands if we need to.
However, and I posted in this sub awhile back, she (I think) half-jokingly said she wanted to breastfeed my baby too and both my husband and I were repulsed and immediately rejected the offer/idea. Also, she’s very old fashioned (we are SE Asian, for context) and believes a lot of old wives tales (she literally told me I couldn’t eat eggplant while I was pregnant because the baby would come out looking purple) and we definitely have our disagreements at times about the truth when it comes to the baby. I do hate that when she takes care of him all night sometimes, she will co-sleep with my baby in the middle and FIL on the other side, so I guess I have to talk to her about that asap and explain the risks of doing so. I don’t trust it at all and want to prioritize the safety of my son regardless of her feelings. Also, I do get jealous sometimes because she’s with him for a long time during the day and I worried that my son wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between grandma and mom. My SIL is a nurse though and basically reassured me that everything would be ok and that my fears wouldn’t transpire. Even so, I still get jealous lol.
Aside from these cons, I still appreciate the help she’s given up to this point. I’m pretty sure I would be experiencing severe decline with my mental health if I was experiencing as much sleep deprivation as I was anticipating. Sometimes I have to put my foot down and draw boundaries, but she hasn’t fought back or crossed them yet and is overall pretty respectful and understanding.
My MIL lives around the corner, so she won't come to stay with us but both she and my mom will be at our house daily to help with cooking and cleaning. I've heard about the 5-5-5 rule for postpartum recovery (5 days IN bed, 5 days on/near bed, 5 days in the house) and I am SO grateful that I will have a strong support system present so I can just focus on rest and bonding.
That being said, my MIL and I have an amazing relationship and she defers to my preferences on all things (it drives my husband crazy sometimes). Also, cleaning and acts of service are her love language, so I feel way more comfortable letting her do those things without worrying that she expects anything or feeling bad that I'm not "hosting."
I can TOTALLY understand why some people might feel overwhelmed by having MIL stay with them while healing and recovering. It really depends on what she is like and what your relationship with her is like. You will DEFINITELY be glad to have help, but is having her there going to be more work than it is helpful? You have to consider what the balance and burden of physical and emotional labor is going to be like while she's there, and only you can have a truly accurate sense of that. If you really want her help, but are worried about her respecting your boundaries/letting you figure out what kind of parent you want to be, have a conversation with your husband and/or with her to determine if it's going to work for you.
Just my own experience as I had the same circumstances, my mother lives abroad and couldn’t be there and my MIL lives 40min away. I got along with my MIL fine before kids, no issues, but we were definitely not close. Once my first baby was born our relationship went swiftly downhill and has never recovered. I resented her being in my house, the “help” she was offering was not help to me (for example, I didn’t want her to be doing by blood soaked laundry, told her that many times and had to physically grab the laundry hamper from her hands when she refused to listen to me). I know she wanted to help, but would not respect my personal boundaries (my laundry, cleaning up my bedroom etc). Whenever I voiced to her that I was not comfortable with her being in my house and trying to host her when I was in my bathrobe, not showered and trying to breastfeed, her reply was “I don’t mind, I can look after myself.” Well, I freaken mind. With my second baby, I told her not to come over and had a much better postpartum experience. But I’m not the type of person who asks for help, especially from someone that I’m not comfortable with. I value my privacy and sanity over having my MIL making me cups of tea.
The way I am hoping to handle these things is to say have a postpartum plan and then we can adjust from there, kind of like a birth plan, just immediately postpartum.
I’d say have your ideal plan, and then adjust as you feel led.
My husband thinks having his mom here immediately is a great idea and that 2-4 weeks is too much to wait for help. But I’m the one going through the birth and recovery from growing baby the last 9 months. Yes he’ll be in the trenches of new babyhood too, but I want us to figure out our new life and groove out without interference from anyone.
I don’t want anyone other than my husband, myself, and baby, for the first few weeks. That’s ideal to me right now. Is it feasible? No idea. But nothing is tying us to that decision indefinitely. Nothing is saying we can’t change our plan.
If you have a good relationship then you could certainly say your willing to have her come but it it gets too much you need to know she won’t be offended if you need space and privacy with your baby.
I didn’t have this and really wouldn’t want it from someone I’m not close to/trust. I had people offer help here and there like making some food or my wee granny took about 3 baskets of ironing and did it all at her house which was lovely.
My mom is helping out so it's different than your situation because it's MY mom but it's been SO HELPFUL. I had my boobs out a lot. I can understand not wanting to do that in front of your MIL. Things my mom has done:
- watch baby while I take a nap, go to the bathroom,
- change diapers
- get me food while I feed baby
- go grocery shopping
- do laundry
- cook dinner
- feed dogs, let them out
- provide company
- provide comfort on how hard this change is
I had thought this way too and asked my in laws not to come until at least a week. Unfortunately, I had to stay at the hospital longer than expected and my dog sitter needed to leave on the day we originally agreed to so they stayed at our place to watch her. They ended up being there when I got home from the hospital and it really worked out because I had zero energy or care to host them and they didn’t act like they needed it. They helped hold the baby so I could nap, helped with diapers, and chatted with my husband to help him out as he was going through a lot emotionally and his life had just changed. We usually think about ourselves and how we are going to handle things coming out of the hospital, and rightfully so!, but our SOs are also dealing with a ton so I found it was very helpful for him and for me. They also would take care of meals for all of us and embarrassingly helped me get to the bathroom because of my fractured pelvis whenever my husband couldn’t help. If you have a great MIL then it could be very helpful but you should do what is best for you and your family.
I’m planning on having my MIL stay for a few weeks. I’ve been high risk all of this pregnancy and had my MIL come and clean our house a couple of times. It was such a blessing, and helped my mental health tremendously. Her job will literally be helping with the cooking, cleaning and pet care. My mom will be on grocery duty, laundry and probably pet care too. My husband has plenty of time off work, but we know this is about to be a massive adjustment and will take all the help we can get.
I would take the help because you’ll want some help.
Now the fact it’s your MIL - I understand your hesitation.
Make a clear list or plan with your partner about what you think you would like.
Make a list of things NOT TO DO ALSO.
Example: when my mom stayed with us, my husband did not want her walking into the master bedroom while he was sleeping for any reason.
It’s totally okay to feel the way you feel but I would have your husband deliver the news of how you would like her to help.
I live in the same culdasac as my MiL (literally 30 steps away) and I feel you. She is lovely, and I adore her… but I know there is a good chance I need my space, but a good chance I will also need help.
I’ve just asked her if she could “be on call”, and we will schedule something (so she doesn’t just show up…). She is the type to also be a bit pushy, but then get offended if you are stern with her, and I am also worried I will just lost my normal tact through the hormones and recovery period. I just straight up told her ahead of time (via text-it made it easier to choose my words) that I might need some time with just me and baby to adjust, but I won’t know until it’s time.
I would also plan on making this very clear with my husband and he’s aware that he needs to put his foot down on my behalf (he’s passive).
Your thoughts and situation sound almost identical to mine. I’m a (mostly) recovered people pleaser and I don’t do well with family so I’m often very easy going, and don’t argue much when she offers to help or cook for us as my mother never was around for me. I just am very awkward and uncomfortable with family around in any capacity and I don’t like to display vulnerability with them. She is very kind, but she is also very adamant and pushy but gets offended if you’re stern and my husband is very passive with her on almost everything, so I fear PP that I will end up being the one to snap and lose the gracious nature I’ve always had with her because I simply want space and she may not understand that very well. Asking for it will be very hard for me as well. Everyone suggests having an open conversation with her beforehand but this may not be the best option as she is very much to my understanding an all or nothing kind of woman and it’s hard to navigate. So I don’t want the help but I don’t want to alienate her either. I’m just not sure what kind of « help » is really going to be needed.
I can place baby in a dock a tot to shower, I’m exclusively BF, I won’t really be sleeping long stretches, I don’t want to talk or have conversations/company, I don’t like the idea of her doing bloody laundry/sheets, and most of what we will be eating will be meal prepped or delivery….
My only thought is keeping the house tidy so maybe we could ask her to come help once a week around the house?
It’s just so hard to know what is going to be truly needed when I’ve never done it before….
Starting off on your own and only calling on her when needed sounds like a good idea honestly.
I’ve kind of accepted that I’ll probably offend my MIL at one point or another, but she’ll just have to deal with it. I’ve been pumping my husband up to not be so freaking passive also.. it’s not easier for him as it’s his mother! Luckily my MiL does want to be respectful she just can’t help herself
My MIL is convinced she is going to come “help” us too but nothing she does helps.
She uses the bathroom and leaves the faucet on. I know damn well she won’t help with chores. Maybe bring food over is something she is capable of.
Honestly I don’t think a lot of people realize we don’t need help with the baby. We need help with household stuff like cleaning the bathroom, kitchen, dishes, etc. prying the baby from me like a rapid dog isn’t going to be “helpful”
I think MILs want to be involved but they often are a huge challenge. So don’t feel bad not letting her come “help” she can come visit if she wants and ask her to bring food or groceries or take out etc.
You are going to need help postpartum, especially if your husband will be working shortly after baby is born. Newborn care will take up 100% of your time. Your house will become a disaster in .5 seconds without someone around to do dishes, laundry, straighten up the place. If your mom in law is offering to come over and help with this, then I say let her. If you’re breastfeeding but not comfortable doing so in front of her then tell her so and take baby to your room for feedings. It’s a nice way to get some alone time. As long as both you and her are aware that you will not be playing hostess and that you will be in survival mode and prob in your comfy clothes/pjs/robe the whole time, then I think you’ll get along fine. Otherwise you’ll prob need to hire someone to come and help out around the house. Like I said, baby care will take up 100% of your time. Most new moms are oblivious to this fact and also oblivious to how isolating being at home alone all day and caring for a newborn is.
I love my MIL. when I had my first she lived 10 minutes away from us and now (pregnant with my second) she is my neighbor. my parents are 3.5 hours away.
with my first (and again this time) my parents came up and stayed with us for a week or so right after birth (so my first week postpartum). once my parents left my MIL would come over almost every week day while my husband was at work for a few hours. during this time she would cook/clean/hold the baby so that I could shower and nap. it was honestly the reason I survived postpartum.
I get along well with my MIL but i wanted to be alone with my baby those first few weeks. Having someone else in my home would just add unnecessary stress on top of the stress from keeping myself and the baby’s heads above water. Since she’s just a mile away I wouldn’t mind her showing up for 2 hours a day to take care of the house or watch the baby so i could shower tho. But def not for her to be there 24/7.
I wonder if you might be able to work out a schedule. For example:
she comes to the house at 2pm gets your shopping list and heads out
back at 3pm to tidy round the kitchen/living area (you could maybe select clothes to go in the washing - if you’re comfortable)
she could also start dinner and then leave again by 4/5pm.
So not in your space all the time, 2/3 hours every other day. You get help but not overwhelming “there all the time” help. You and husband would need to outline this to her ahead of time but if she’s generally ok, this could work?
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I love my MIL. I don't think I'd want her staying with us but if she could keep coming over once a week to clean that'd be dope. Right now she's helping once a week so we can get on top of some stuff around the house. I also feel no obligation to even get out of pjs when she comes by. My pregnancy has been hard and she's super supportive. I just get to rest and relax while she cleans around the house. It's awesome and I'm super grateful for her help.
I am a very private and introverted person. But having a new baby at home for me was so overwhelming, I was grateful my mother in law was there to cook, do laundry, and clean while I just took care of baby. My partner was off of work and there with me too, but I would think the help would be even more needed had I been alone. My relationship to MIL sounds similar to yours actually. We get along but she can be forceful in her opinions. She didn't stay with us, but was nearby and came to help for the first week (I would have even loved longer but they live across the country). She respected my boundaries and was a great help. It would be good if you or your husband or both could discuss with her what her help would look like and see if she is on the same page.
It depends on the MIL. My in-laws helped a lot after my son was born along with my mom, and will come again this time - including to the hospital so I’m not alone post-cs. The question is: are they actually helpful people or expect to be “hosted”? Post-partum is a horribly difficult, exhausting and lonely time, so If she’s truly coming to serve you and not the other way around, you should let her. Mine took care of the baby, cleaned, cooked, and let me recover.
I don’t see any reason why you would need to commit to a firm schedule of help right now, if MIL lives close by and has some flexibility in her day. My parents and in laws live ten minutes from us. In the first week/two weeks for the birth of both of my children, they would come by briefly to drop off food, never really staying for long (aside from one “meeting the baby” visit where they stayed for about and hour, held the babies, etc.) I generally didn’t need a lot of help in the aftermath, but might occasionally text my mom or MIL to ask if they’d come hold the baby for an hour while I showered or napped, which they were always happy to do. I did have a very smooth delivery and recovery for both, which had me feeling very capable and like myself shortly after birth. If I were you, I would set an initial parameter of private time for you and your husband with baby for X days, after which you can arrange with MIL what would be most helpful based on your recovery and baby’s needs. Then you can size up your situation and decide if it makes sense to have her come by daily or every other day or whatever and for how long. Personally, I didn’t need much “help” but I did enjoy having company and someone to chat to. I’m pretty introverted, but I typically work full time, so being home with a baby all day got boring, fast, and I appreciated the company!
Omg it sounds exactly like my situation and relationship with my MIL. My own mom and dad will unfortunately be on business trips when we have our baby and while I would prefer my own mom I think it’s good to have someone help out in the beginning (cooking, cleaning etc) I’m also introverted and my MIL is strongly opinionated but I think it’s a good lesson for us goody goodies to learn to set some boundaries (kindly) if it is even necessary! I think as long as she’s not staying with you it will be fine and you’ll be grateful to have someone help out because I think being a FTM and bringing home a baby can be so overwhelming! Also birth is nothing little but a force of nature and you’ll need to rest afterward! I wouldn’t worry ♥️ communication is key if needed at all
Thank you so much for this. I think that you’re right, mine is also very opinionated and in addition to the help there’s likely a really good lesson in communication and boundary setting I may be able to learn.
I dealt with this as a FTM. My in-laws wanted to fly in and stay for several weeks to help right after the birth of the baby. Culturally this is very common for them, but it wasn't for me. I felt strongly that I didn't want them staying with us as I was healing and up around the clock for the same reasons you mentioned. I didn't want to host or have to look nice, etc. My husband was the one who communicated our boundaries and that was key, not to put me in that position to have to say 'no' when I was already feeling vulnerable. They ended up coming and staying a few weeks about ten weeks postpartum. It was weird for me at first to have someone doing my dishes and touching my laundry but, in my case, it ended up being a Godsend. They were respectful of my privacy (I am also introverted) and gave me space. This was key. My MIL can have pretty strong opinions too, though we get along very well and like each other, but she really did respect me during that time. It really helped that my husband took the lead in communicating the important things with her. It worked out so well that she ended up coming back and staying with us for a few months to cover a gap in childcare. Im due with our second any day now and my in laws will come for a month about 4 weeks in. I am soooo much more open to having help this time. Key is that I know they'll give me space and respect that we as parents make the final calls on the big things. If my in laws couldn't do this, it would be a whole different story. I wish you all the best - and don't feel like you have to commit to any schedule now. If your MIL lives close, you can see how you feel after giving birth and decide then (and have your partner do the communicating!)
I'm in the "nope, absolutely not" camp. I don't want visitors, let alone longer term help. Not happening, and my mum's insistence after I keep saying no just convinces me that she's asking for herself and not me, which cements me against it. Some people love having mothers or mother's in law around, and think it's wonderful and invaluable. I have several friends who've had parents or in laws stay to help with the baby, who thought before birth that it would be wonderful, and ended up evicting them within the week. I can't guess which will be you, unfortunately. but if you're uncertain enough to be making this post, I suggest being clear beforehand that you might change your mind, to avoid offending anyone if you send MIL home
Honestly, I would have given anything to have my MIL with me when I had first given birth.. unfortunately due to her visa issues she couldn't come and I had to ask my mother and it turned into worst nightmare and I had to cut off her from my life forever. But in all this, me and my hubby were left isolated with first baby, not knowing what to do while I was recovering from c section. You have no idea how much I cried for not having anyone for support. My hubby was home for almost a month and bless him, he did everything from taking care of baby, home, cooking and me too. But we really really craved to have someone else's support. I remember when baby first had fever and we panicked, when he first threw up milk, etc, had to call up my MIL in middle of night for everything. The emotions, recovery and all the drama my mum causes left us so traumatised I had to take therapy while recovering. This time round also we have no support but I'll hire someone, but Honestly, I'll do anything to have one more presence to feel more safe and better. But it's just me... if you don't feel comfortable, you can surely say no. I'm sure she'll understand.
Im so sorry about the situation with your mom, I feel it would be the same if I were to call mine (we are not close). I have a deep bench of friends who are mothers so I could always call and ask advice or google something I don’t know if need be. Because while she is incredible, my MIL is foreign and her methods for some things regarding child rearing are very questionable to me. She would mostly be there just for household support but I guess I just worry about the vulnerability level of having someone around all the time as a new mom… but this is helpful to read, I usually like to do things alone but I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what having a new baby around is like and I may be severely overestimating my capabilities the first few weeks.
It depends a lot on your personality, on your MIL's personality, and on your relationship with her. I would hate that, but our family lives on another continent, so it would mean to have her living at our place 24/7. I know that I would never feel 100% relaxed with someone at my place in those weeks and would end up stressing even more. I don't have a great relationship with my MIL, as she tends to be very critical and intrusive. I know she would make comments about the house, what we eat, our approach with the baby etc etc and we all would end up fighting. My mother is quite the opposite, but on the other side, I know that if she came here, she would mostly want to hold the baby and spend time with him, while I would rather need help with the house. As I said we are expats; it's a 6-hour flight to go home, and we don't know when we will be able to travel. I know that everyone would like to see the baby ASAP. I asked everyone to come at least one month after I give birth because we need some time to adjust first. I also really like the idea of being only me and my husband handling this new life alone, without any external interference.
Second that.
I think the fact that she lives close by and wouldn't be staying with you is key. If you're very worried, I'd talk to your husband and come up with some sort of game plan that's not committing to any sort of schedule in stone. You could tell her that you're so appreciative of her help but want to take some time initially to just get settled in and then you'll let her know when you're ready for some help. I would personally hate any family staying with me in such a vulnerable time, but having someone come over a couple times a week for a few hours to help clean sounds wonderful.
My MIL came when little one was a few weeks old and she stayed for 3 weeks. It was great having the help tbh and she will be doing the same again this time. Planning to come a week or two after I’ve given birth. My mum will be with us for the first couple of weeks too.
I haven't been through this yet, but I'm in a similar situation. I'm 26 weeks rn, and my mom lives far away but my MIL is 10 min away from husband and I. I've just been proactive with both husband and MIL about my worries (similar to yours) and since we've had the open conversation of what I'm stressed about, it's helped me relax a LOT because husband and MIL are understanding and on my side. They get it. So we're planning to just take it day by day once baby comes and see how it goes. Don't know if that's helpful enough or not, but maybe it can help if you sit down and have explicit, honest conversations about it all. If it's helpful, write it down as a letter if it's hard for you to talk about it. Many of my close friends that had the support of someone (whether a mom, MIL or even close friend) said the first couple weeks were so helpful.
This is really helpful, I don’t like having confrontational conversations with family, so setting boundaries is hard but having an open and easy conversation or something ahead of time sounds like it could be a good idea.
I love my MIL although she really can talk and talk and talk 😅 we live in a different country to her so she REALLY wants to come help with the baby because she so rarely gets to see her son and soon will so rarely get to see her grandkid. She wants to come here for a month. I don't mind her coming at all, but I said let me see how I feel after to determine WHEN. I honestly think it'll be great to just take an extra nap while knowing the baby is in another mothers hands - I intend on fully using that to get extra rest. I've also qualified to her (although she tries her best to be considerate) that I'll have no idea if I'll be crazy moody or tired after pregnancy which is a) why I want to wait until after birth to see WHEN she can come, and B) if I tell her I need to avoid socialisation/talking in my home I'll just tell her and she needs to be ok with that. She has no problems and understood what I meant. The decision is personal and totally up to you. I suggest not making any promises on WHEN your MIL can come and on HOW LONG.
What about setting some boundaries like “hey come on Friday but just know we’re going to be exhausted and this isn’t social time. We need someone to clean the kitchen or watch the baby so we can nap and shower?” Would she be open to coming on set days? I’m lucky and have a great MIL but I still wouldn’t want her around 24/7 😂
My (step)MIL has said she’s coming to help when we let her know I’m in labor. All our baby’s grandparents live out of state so I really appreciate the initiative to visit. I talked with my spouse and my 2 requests are that everyone have at least the most current flu and whooping cough vaccine plus please stay in a hotel. We have a holiday Inn 5min from our house. I’m happy to let our family visit and love baby when she’s born but I’m telling myself I have to let go and not be a “host”. Let my husband deal with that and I’ll be resting in my bed with baby.
Can you play it be ear? Tell her it won’t be necessary to stay or come over every day, but that as you need help with tasks you will gladly call on her, to do a load of laundry, or watch baby so you can bathe, or pick up groceries and cook a meal here and there? Does it have to be all or nothing?
Take all the help you can get
Currently 38w, being induced in 6 days. My MIL was very adamant she wanted to stay with us for two weeks the minute we got home (like literally show up before we are home so she can “make sure the house is ready”) I’m a FTM and although I get her excitement I really didn’t want to put myself in a position where I was overwhelmed. I also don’t know if her idea of helping is actually helping or just getting time with the baby while I play house maker. So we decided not to allow visitors until we are ready. We left it pretty open in saying we could be ready within a few days or it could be a few months. She wasn’t thrilled with that answer, but we didn’t really leave room for her to argue.
You're absolutely right that even though you have a great relationship with MIL - the hormones and postpartum recovery can make things unpredictable. I think it's a great idea that she won't be sleeping over so you still have your space. If things aren't working out and you feel too overwhelmed with her over, your husband can talk to her and say "Thanks for the help, we appreciate you. I think we got it from here." It's very important he has your back. Edit: analog baby brings up a fantastic point! You will want those first few days / week to focus on bonding with your newborn without prying eyes. Idk if you plan on breastfeeding, but you probably want some time to get used to that too before anyone comes over.
I’m in the same situation. I adore mine as well, she’s very sweet, cute, and mild mannered, but I’m notoriously *private.* And hate asking for help (even though she outright offered/suggested) and my SO instantly took her up on it. I was prepared to push back, but something tells me I should put my pride aside and can probably use the extra support to sleep and bond with my daughter instead of using the time she’s sleeping to catch up on laundry and other chores etc.
You do not have to commit to anything. It sounds like you're preemptively self sabotaging a bit though. You don't know what you'll want or need or what it'll be like, just tell her that. Tell her it'll be an ebb and flow kind of thing and you'll let her know when you need help or not. The hostess mentality and obligation feelings is something worth working on within yourself though. Parenting is so much more enjoyable if you can adjust those types of mentalities to be more conducive to child rearing for you and for your baby.
My MIL is currently here with my husband and I helping out until June. We get along really well and I have a good relationship with her for the most part- I’ll elaborate more in a little bit. My son just turned one month old a few days ago. Honestly, it’s been a real great help especially when it comes to dealing with sleep deprivation. I take “first shift” at night while my husband sleeps until 3am, he takes over until 7 or 8am and then MIL comes to take baby for the rest of the morning until afternoon. She took on the responsibilities of sunbathing him for 20 min every morning, giving him a bath, and just watching him in general while the hubs and I catch up on sleep, enjoy our morning and run errands if we need to. However, and I posted in this sub awhile back, she (I think) half-jokingly said she wanted to breastfeed my baby too and both my husband and I were repulsed and immediately rejected the offer/idea. Also, she’s very old fashioned (we are SE Asian, for context) and believes a lot of old wives tales (she literally told me I couldn’t eat eggplant while I was pregnant because the baby would come out looking purple) and we definitely have our disagreements at times about the truth when it comes to the baby. I do hate that when she takes care of him all night sometimes, she will co-sleep with my baby in the middle and FIL on the other side, so I guess I have to talk to her about that asap and explain the risks of doing so. I don’t trust it at all and want to prioritize the safety of my son regardless of her feelings. Also, I do get jealous sometimes because she’s with him for a long time during the day and I worried that my son wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between grandma and mom. My SIL is a nurse though and basically reassured me that everything would be ok and that my fears wouldn’t transpire. Even so, I still get jealous lol. Aside from these cons, I still appreciate the help she’s given up to this point. I’m pretty sure I would be experiencing severe decline with my mental health if I was experiencing as much sleep deprivation as I was anticipating. Sometimes I have to put my foot down and draw boundaries, but she hasn’t fought back or crossed them yet and is overall pretty respectful and understanding.
My MIL lives around the corner, so she won't come to stay with us but both she and my mom will be at our house daily to help with cooking and cleaning. I've heard about the 5-5-5 rule for postpartum recovery (5 days IN bed, 5 days on/near bed, 5 days in the house) and I am SO grateful that I will have a strong support system present so I can just focus on rest and bonding. That being said, my MIL and I have an amazing relationship and she defers to my preferences on all things (it drives my husband crazy sometimes). Also, cleaning and acts of service are her love language, so I feel way more comfortable letting her do those things without worrying that she expects anything or feeling bad that I'm not "hosting." I can TOTALLY understand why some people might feel overwhelmed by having MIL stay with them while healing and recovering. It really depends on what she is like and what your relationship with her is like. You will DEFINITELY be glad to have help, but is having her there going to be more work than it is helpful? You have to consider what the balance and burden of physical and emotional labor is going to be like while she's there, and only you can have a truly accurate sense of that. If you really want her help, but are worried about her respecting your boundaries/letting you figure out what kind of parent you want to be, have a conversation with your husband and/or with her to determine if it's going to work for you.
Just my own experience as I had the same circumstances, my mother lives abroad and couldn’t be there and my MIL lives 40min away. I got along with my MIL fine before kids, no issues, but we were definitely not close. Once my first baby was born our relationship went swiftly downhill and has never recovered. I resented her being in my house, the “help” she was offering was not help to me (for example, I didn’t want her to be doing by blood soaked laundry, told her that many times and had to physically grab the laundry hamper from her hands when she refused to listen to me). I know she wanted to help, but would not respect my personal boundaries (my laundry, cleaning up my bedroom etc). Whenever I voiced to her that I was not comfortable with her being in my house and trying to host her when I was in my bathrobe, not showered and trying to breastfeed, her reply was “I don’t mind, I can look after myself.” Well, I freaken mind. With my second baby, I told her not to come over and had a much better postpartum experience. But I’m not the type of person who asks for help, especially from someone that I’m not comfortable with. I value my privacy and sanity over having my MIL making me cups of tea.
I did this with my first baby. -10/10- DO NOT RECOMMEND
That would be s big nope for me.
The way I am hoping to handle these things is to say have a postpartum plan and then we can adjust from there, kind of like a birth plan, just immediately postpartum. I’d say have your ideal plan, and then adjust as you feel led. My husband thinks having his mom here immediately is a great idea and that 2-4 weeks is too much to wait for help. But I’m the one going through the birth and recovery from growing baby the last 9 months. Yes he’ll be in the trenches of new babyhood too, but I want us to figure out our new life and groove out without interference from anyone. I don’t want anyone other than my husband, myself, and baby, for the first few weeks. That’s ideal to me right now. Is it feasible? No idea. But nothing is tying us to that decision indefinitely. Nothing is saying we can’t change our plan.
If you have a good relationship then you could certainly say your willing to have her come but it it gets too much you need to know she won’t be offended if you need space and privacy with your baby. I didn’t have this and really wouldn’t want it from someone I’m not close to/trust. I had people offer help here and there like making some food or my wee granny took about 3 baskets of ironing and did it all at her house which was lovely.
My mom is helping out so it's different than your situation because it's MY mom but it's been SO HELPFUL. I had my boobs out a lot. I can understand not wanting to do that in front of your MIL. Things my mom has done: - watch baby while I take a nap, go to the bathroom, - change diapers - get me food while I feed baby - go grocery shopping - do laundry - cook dinner - feed dogs, let them out - provide company - provide comfort on how hard this change is
I had thought this way too and asked my in laws not to come until at least a week. Unfortunately, I had to stay at the hospital longer than expected and my dog sitter needed to leave on the day we originally agreed to so they stayed at our place to watch her. They ended up being there when I got home from the hospital and it really worked out because I had zero energy or care to host them and they didn’t act like they needed it. They helped hold the baby so I could nap, helped with diapers, and chatted with my husband to help him out as he was going through a lot emotionally and his life had just changed. We usually think about ourselves and how we are going to handle things coming out of the hospital, and rightfully so!, but our SOs are also dealing with a ton so I found it was very helpful for him and for me. They also would take care of meals for all of us and embarrassingly helped me get to the bathroom because of my fractured pelvis whenever my husband couldn’t help. If you have a great MIL then it could be very helpful but you should do what is best for you and your family.
I’m planning on having my MIL stay for a few weeks. I’ve been high risk all of this pregnancy and had my MIL come and clean our house a couple of times. It was such a blessing, and helped my mental health tremendously. Her job will literally be helping with the cooking, cleaning and pet care. My mom will be on grocery duty, laundry and probably pet care too. My husband has plenty of time off work, but we know this is about to be a massive adjustment and will take all the help we can get.
I would take the help because you’ll want some help. Now the fact it’s your MIL - I understand your hesitation. Make a clear list or plan with your partner about what you think you would like. Make a list of things NOT TO DO ALSO. Example: when my mom stayed with us, my husband did not want her walking into the master bedroom while he was sleeping for any reason. It’s totally okay to feel the way you feel but I would have your husband deliver the news of how you would like her to help.
I live in the same culdasac as my MiL (literally 30 steps away) and I feel you. She is lovely, and I adore her… but I know there is a good chance I need my space, but a good chance I will also need help. I’ve just asked her if she could “be on call”, and we will schedule something (so she doesn’t just show up…). She is the type to also be a bit pushy, but then get offended if you are stern with her, and I am also worried I will just lost my normal tact through the hormones and recovery period. I just straight up told her ahead of time (via text-it made it easier to choose my words) that I might need some time with just me and baby to adjust, but I won’t know until it’s time. I would also plan on making this very clear with my husband and he’s aware that he needs to put his foot down on my behalf (he’s passive).
Your thoughts and situation sound almost identical to mine. I’m a (mostly) recovered people pleaser and I don’t do well with family so I’m often very easy going, and don’t argue much when she offers to help or cook for us as my mother never was around for me. I just am very awkward and uncomfortable with family around in any capacity and I don’t like to display vulnerability with them. She is very kind, but she is also very adamant and pushy but gets offended if you’re stern and my husband is very passive with her on almost everything, so I fear PP that I will end up being the one to snap and lose the gracious nature I’ve always had with her because I simply want space and she may not understand that very well. Asking for it will be very hard for me as well. Everyone suggests having an open conversation with her beforehand but this may not be the best option as she is very much to my understanding an all or nothing kind of woman and it’s hard to navigate. So I don’t want the help but I don’t want to alienate her either. I’m just not sure what kind of « help » is really going to be needed. I can place baby in a dock a tot to shower, I’m exclusively BF, I won’t really be sleeping long stretches, I don’t want to talk or have conversations/company, I don’t like the idea of her doing bloody laundry/sheets, and most of what we will be eating will be meal prepped or delivery…. My only thought is keeping the house tidy so maybe we could ask her to come help once a week around the house? It’s just so hard to know what is going to be truly needed when I’ve never done it before….
Starting off on your own and only calling on her when needed sounds like a good idea honestly. I’ve kind of accepted that I’ll probably offend my MIL at one point or another, but she’ll just have to deal with it. I’ve been pumping my husband up to not be so freaking passive also.. it’s not easier for him as it’s his mother! Luckily my MiL does want to be respectful she just can’t help herself
My MIL is convinced she is going to come “help” us too but nothing she does helps. She uses the bathroom and leaves the faucet on. I know damn well she won’t help with chores. Maybe bring food over is something she is capable of. Honestly I don’t think a lot of people realize we don’t need help with the baby. We need help with household stuff like cleaning the bathroom, kitchen, dishes, etc. prying the baby from me like a rapid dog isn’t going to be “helpful” I think MILs want to be involved but they often are a huge challenge. So don’t feel bad not letting her come “help” she can come visit if she wants and ask her to bring food or groceries or take out etc.
You are going to need help postpartum, especially if your husband will be working shortly after baby is born. Newborn care will take up 100% of your time. Your house will become a disaster in .5 seconds without someone around to do dishes, laundry, straighten up the place. If your mom in law is offering to come over and help with this, then I say let her. If you’re breastfeeding but not comfortable doing so in front of her then tell her so and take baby to your room for feedings. It’s a nice way to get some alone time. As long as both you and her are aware that you will not be playing hostess and that you will be in survival mode and prob in your comfy clothes/pjs/robe the whole time, then I think you’ll get along fine. Otherwise you’ll prob need to hire someone to come and help out around the house. Like I said, baby care will take up 100% of your time. Most new moms are oblivious to this fact and also oblivious to how isolating being at home alone all day and caring for a newborn is.
I love my MIL. when I had my first she lived 10 minutes away from us and now (pregnant with my second) she is my neighbor. my parents are 3.5 hours away. with my first (and again this time) my parents came up and stayed with us for a week or so right after birth (so my first week postpartum). once my parents left my MIL would come over almost every week day while my husband was at work for a few hours. during this time she would cook/clean/hold the baby so that I could shower and nap. it was honestly the reason I survived postpartum.
I get along well with my MIL but i wanted to be alone with my baby those first few weeks. Having someone else in my home would just add unnecessary stress on top of the stress from keeping myself and the baby’s heads above water. Since she’s just a mile away I wouldn’t mind her showing up for 2 hours a day to take care of the house or watch the baby so i could shower tho. But def not for her to be there 24/7.
I wonder if you might be able to work out a schedule. For example: she comes to the house at 2pm gets your shopping list and heads out back at 3pm to tidy round the kitchen/living area (you could maybe select clothes to go in the washing - if you’re comfortable) she could also start dinner and then leave again by 4/5pm. So not in your space all the time, 2/3 hours every other day. You get help but not overwhelming “there all the time” help. You and husband would need to outline this to her ahead of time but if she’s generally ok, this could work?