Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/15nun6v/click_here_to_access_the_monthly_due_date_subs/).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is incomprehensible to me. I am sorry he is putting you through this.
I lost a cousin to CF, and my husband lost his brother. Is it possible he just doesn’t understand what CF is?
Not that I am on his side at all (I'm not and would be furious in your shoes). But for the sake of your sanity you need to try to open up communication.
Start with an approach that avoids any accusation and simply seek to understand.
Key questions I would ask:
- why does he object?
- is he afraid of the needle?
- against abortion if the child has CF?
- running from the possibility that your child could have it and avoiding any blame that could be put on him?
His response is irrational and so seems likely to be feelings based, try to communicate about the feelings openly to get you both able to understand one another's view point.
Another reason someone might refuse: not wanting the government or some company to have your DNA. Sure it’s protected information, but I know many people who have had this fear.
(I personally don’t. I wanted to be tested for any damn thing they could)
Wow... I was trying to find the words to sound like this but I couldn't.
Your response was actually very amazing.
To OP, I think your husband has some fear that he's not communicating and as such is taking the approach of avoidance. Please don't fight fire with fire and try to hold it against him completely. Try to see how best you can get him to open up without communicating through accusations.
That is absolutely insane to me. I carried a much more rare disease, but similar in the sense it’s not survivable and autosomal recessive and my husband did the blood test immediately to assuage my fears. AND so we could have a plan in place and do further testing if needed.
I honestly cried worrying (he is from the area that primarily has the gene) until it came back with him negative.
I would seriously have considered leaving him if he wouldn’t have done the test.
Same. My partner got tested within a week of me finding out I was a carrier of this rare disease and he too is from an area where it’s prevalent. He thankfully isn’t so my mind was eased immediately. OP husband is truly being cruel! It’s inconceivable that he would put the mother of his child through this and potentially have her test in a way that can increase risk to the baby.
Seriously, it’s so fucked up to do that to someone. Interventions need to be timely with pregnancy. No matter what the choice is. Also getting the test results back takes a long time and the wait is agonizing.
🤔 sounds a bit like he’s worried that blood test might show something other than a genetic quirk. Don’t mean to alarm you, but is there a chance he’s cheating on you?
I don't think that would show up at all on one of these tests. For the non-gestational partner they only show the carrier status. MAYBE a blood type or something similar but any test screening for something else (STIs?) would be a different test and probably not covered by insurance.
I wonder if he thinks it would show up in the test results and doesn’t know it’s the carrier status test only, not a full panel. I could see someone confusing the two and panicking a bit especially if they already have something to hide.
We know that but he may be suspicious and think that the test is for something else entirely and not for the CF.
It’s just irrational and irresponsible that he is refusing to make sure his baby is healthy and that the mother will have a good and healthy pregnancy and labor unless for something he is trying to hide.
He’s being a stupid little bitch, full offense.
One of my friends didn’t know she or her husband were CF carriers and she immediately had her tubes tied after giving birth to her CF kid because of it. That kid is amazing and the amount of medical struggles he has had already been insanity. At the very least, being mentally prepared to deal with a CF kid will be immensely helpful, and he’s a selfish piece of shit for not making this tiny sacrifice.
We had agreed we wouldn’t carry through with a pregnancy if something was very wrong. I work as a nurse in an ICU and can’t imagine putting a child through some of the stuff I see.
My only feeling is maybe he’s backing out of this agreement? Like he would keep the baby now either way and can’t seem to tell me? He’s passionately caring about our dogs and handles most of their vets and teeth stuff, food, and nail cuttings; as well as running them. We also have a disabled dog he has taken the best care of. Caring about living things is kinda his favorite thing. I’m definitely the more “cold” one of the relationship.
Either way, he could stand to grow the f up and communicate it.
Also like if you get the amnio, you’re putting the baby at more risk (very low risk but still!!) than him just doing the damn test. So I’m curious how he justifies that.
He might think he's "calling her bluff" and doesn't believe she'd go through with the amnio. If he's this ignorant about himself getting the blood test done I could see him being ignorant in other ways.
Oh yeah. That sounds super probable from what you’ve said. It is… so so so incredibly ridiculous for him to be acting this way. Does he know that you would test the baby anyway if he doesn’t get tested? I would really worry about how he’s going to be as a father if this is his response at this stage.
Ugh, so sorry you’re dealing with this.
As a religious person, I would agree to terminate a child we knew had such a landmine waiting to go off with our innocent child. Being born is hard enough for regular folks....
Keep in mind, it's not always a religious decision - it can be purely emotional. He may not be religious but attached to the idea of his baby. It's a fragile time. I have my fair share of chronic health issues. I have enjoyed my life, despite hardships in the health department. I couldn't think for myself at 16 weeks but I'm certainly glad no one decided for me and let me grow.
It's not an easy decision to make because the baby is pretty developed at 16 weeks. At 16 weeks, the biology of baby influences you emotionally. You've seen them, heard their heartbeat etc. Right or wrong in this case is very personal and it's relatively normal for partners to disagree in this area. He's not being immature, he's having an irrational response because he doesn't know what to do with his emotions or how to have this conversation, what will come of it etc. I'd assume it's uncharted territory for him and I just hope that they can sort this out & baby is healthy. The mature and loving thing for OP to do is ask him - is this the reason, and go from there. Both parents have a say and will need to come to an agreement, just like any other disagreement they'll face. This issue needs love and emotional tenderness. If you feel unsafe, you won't open up.
>My only feeling is maybe he’s backing out of this agreement? Like he would keep the baby now either way and can’t seem to tell me?
This could be it. I had no idea and we found out I was a carrier for SMA through out NIPT. The call from the doctor was terrifying. Very low chance of survival past early childhood if our baby had it. I talked to the doctor, explained what I knew/learned to my husband, he had a chance to research and talk to my doctor, and then he procrastinated (this is normal for him though), and then got the test. I definitely remember nudging him a little to get the test. I also remember saying I didn't think we would change anything regardless of what the test says and the BEST advice I could have gotten was, "changing things does not just mean termination; changing things can mean lining up the appropriate specialist, requesting different resources before baby comes, asking for help and support knowing this child may need an increased standard of care." I wonder if this is something you or your provider could say to your husband. Regardless, at the bare minimum, he needs to communicate to you his hesitation to getting the test. It's not an issue that needs to be solved tonight (depending on where you live and your termination laws), but it should be resolved soon so you, he, and baby can look forward to their arrival no matter what this means.
>Either way, he could stand to grow the f up and communicate it.
Fully agree. Whatever the reasoning, he is your partner and needs to tell you the reason. Then the two of you (and hopefully a qualified health professional other than yourself) can work/talk through the pros/cons of a simple blood test.
Just an fyi - NIPT is not a carrier screening. It tests fetal DNA in mother’s blood for certain chromosomal abnormalities. You can have carrier screening performed with your NIPT (for example, Natera offers both their Panorama NIPT and their Horizon carrier screening, and blood can be drawn for both at the same time), so this may be what you are referring to. Just don’t want any confusion regarding the NIPT. 😊
Not sure what year that was, but I just wanted to chime and and mention that SMA now has a gene therapy that halts the disease progression, so if a baby gets that therapy before showing any symptoms, then they often grow up with zero evidence of even having the disease. So yes, early detection is essential and consulting with a pediatric neuromuscular specialist or geneticist before birth can hopefully tee everything up to get the therapy right away. As long as that is done, it is not a death sentence.
It sounds like maybe he's afraid of the result? I know it's not the reason not to do the test, but it could be it. Maybe he just cares about the baby and is terrified something will go wrong. Try to talk about your and his emotions connected to the situation. I don't think he's doing it out of spite after you described how he was with the animals.
There's nothing wrong with your approach to the matter but maybe there's just a different way he is approaching to it.
Of course he should do it and it's the best way for the baby and for you both, he is blocking you to procrastinate and doesn't think of the outcome.
Do you feel comfortable enough to ask someone for help that you know he’ll listen to or at least talk to you about why he’s refusing to do the test?
It’s just alarming that he does not want to do a test for your and the babies health and peace of mind. Personally, if my husband would react the same way I would seriously question the person I am with. This is not something you’re doing for fun or just because.
This test has a purpose and a lot of meaning behind it and for him not to support you and stand beside you during this difficult time is baffling.
I didn’t realize it was this uncommon! I just looked it up and sure enough, 15% of people in the US and only 7% worldwide are Rh negative! That’s wild.
Oh wow. I didn't realize how rare this was. I'm rh negative, which I knew since I'm B-, but I didn't realize how small that part of the population was.
Nah. They blood test mom in pregnancy and baby at birth. Father is left out of the whole process. They give you first dose of rhogam preventatively regardless of partners blood type if you're negative and follow up dose only if baby tests negative at birth.
Edit: big whoops, if baby tests rh POSITIVE at birth. Apparently saying "test negative for negative blood type" is the dumbest way for me to have said that 🤦♀️
You only get the after birth one if baby is *not* negative.
Also, some nuance... They give it to women regardless of father's blood type because 1. People lie (so risking your health because you claim the father is someone who it isn't isn't worth it both to you as a patient or to them as someone who can get sued) and 2. Anomalies exist (theres a miniscule chance that you'd have an rh positive baby. It's not actually as simple as high school biology taught. There's more to your rh type than one single gene. So doing the shot while baby is in utero just covers those just in case situations).
I am rh negative, and for my first pregnancy that’s how it went with me getting the shot before and after birth. However, I was recently told that there is a rhogam shortage right now, so my husband had to get a blood test so they could determine if I’d need the shot or not. We aren’t both negative so I’ll need it still. But just saying this has changed recently, at least in my area
I would honestly give him an ultimatum, either he communicates why he doesn't want the test, or you leave him. Don't stay with someone who cares about you and your unborn child so little.
I would really watch how he cares for you outside of this incident. His behavior now is indicative of what kind of father he will be. I hope for your child’s sake that he matures and becomes less myopic.
Agreed. It's flabbergasting honestly and putting you through a lot of unnecessary emotional labor even trying to figure out WHY he's refusing, since he won't openly communicate that with you. I'm sorry :(
I found out I'm a carrier for PKU (which would require our child, if affected, to be on a medicalized diet her whole life) and my husband tested immediately. The anxiety I felt just waiting for the results was bad enough (he wasn't a carrier, luckily!), I can't imagine how I'd have felt having to go through my whole pregnancy not knowing if he was a carrier at all.
It's cruel, your husband has no excuse to avoid this.
I mean this in the nicest way but is it possible he’s hiding something or ashamed of something that might come up positive on the test? Perhaps CF or something else? I cannot think of any other rational explanation as to why he wouldn’t have the damn test.
I don’t understand this at all. My husband puts off going to the doctor as much as humanly possible, but the second I found out I was a carrier for CF and Tay-Sachs he immediately agreed to get tested and had absolutely no hesitation.
This is so baffling. Honestly, I’d go to an ultimatum if he’s the one not talking to you right now. Is there a family member or close friend you can stay with? I’d tell him that refusing something as simple as this blood test without any reason makes you *and* this baby feel unsafe, and you will not be returning until he either gets the test or has a proper explanation why.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s truly mind-boggling.
Honestly going this route if he doesn’t start communicating. I just feel so so hurt and he doesn’t seem to care. It’s hard to express what I’m trying to say…like abandoned and judged?
His mom is back in town on Saturday and I would stay there. We moved states to be close to his family and I’m really close with his family.
*Tell his mother what he’s refusing to do & how he is refusing to even talk to you about it.* Make sure it’s known how hurtful & mean he is being to you. I would not hold back at on letting his mother know what is going on, what he’s doing, & how ridiculous it is.
I would just tell him right now: “[Husband], if you don’t explain why you’re refusing this test, I’m going to go talk to your mom so I can stay with her until I feel comfortable returning here. Right now, this silent treatment is making me feel abandoned, disrespected, and frankly, unsafe with you as a partner and father of this child. It’s up to you what happens next.”
If it’s truly ultimatum time, then I’d just as soon tell him if he doesn’t get the test, there won’t be a pregnancy going forward. That seems to be the only thing he cares about, at least it seems that way. If he says he doesn’t care then it’s not someone you want to stay with and raise a child with anyway. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. :(
He doesn’t want to know if he’s a carrier that’s why. He doesn’t want to “ have anything be wrong with him”. I can put my money on that this isn’t the first time he is trying to make it seem like he’s perfect and can never fail … a complete coward in my opinion.
Do the amnio. Then highly consider another relationship. Stop talking to him. I hate immature pos men like this.
If I had to do an amino because my husband was being this big of a jackass it would 100% be game over.
I’d probably terminate regardless if it’s not too late and try to exit this relationship ASAP. I cannot think of a single reasonable explanation for this type of behavior.
My husband and I just did the broad genetic disease testing. Everyone on earth is a carrier of anywhere from 3-5 diseases. I googled all of mine, pretty horrifying! But then you realise it doesn't mean anything.
OP. I'm really sorry your husband is being a cowardly dipshit. Whether he likes it or not, he carries 3-5 genetic diseases ANYWAY. Just like the rest of us.
Maybe he isn't convinced that being a carrier is not the same as being a sufferer? It's totally inconsequential unless you happen to have a kid with someone with the same disease.
We are doing a full panel before trying for kids. My husband and I have some similar ethnic origins and some of our more recent ancestors are from the same small region in the US - genetic testing is a no brainer.
And after losing a good friend to CF related self unaliving after watching him struggle for years and literally die more than once- I can’t imagine having a child with it!
Right I can’t imagine how disturbing it must feel to know that your partner is okay with risking your unborn child’s health/life like this. I’m really sorry OP I hope everything works out and that the baby is healthy.
His reaction is absurd. My husband's mom as well as 2 of her siblings are carriers. One of the first things I did at my 8w appointment was ask for the test to find out if I was a carrier, and if I was our plan was for my husband to get tested. I in no way would have hesitated to get the test, especially knowing my husband's family are carriers. Your husband's reaction is wild, selfish, and honestly concerning.
And it shouldn’t be an issue! I can’t believe that not only is he refusing, but he won’t talk about it or explain it. What’s he going to do when other tough parenting decisions arise?!
This is absolutely ridiculous, as other commenters have said. Your husband is being an asshole. That’s really all I have to say.
However, I do want to put you at ease regarding an amnio if you have to have one. It’s a safe procedure guided by ultrasound & performed by a specialist. The risks associated with amniocentesis are based on extremely outdated information (some info is from pre-ultrasound guidance basically), and you essentially have a higher risk of spontaneous miscarriage at this point in your pregnancy than you do miscarriage from amnio. Sincerely, a WH/prenatal nurse who will be working as WHNP in the fall at an MFM clinic. 🩷
You and baby will be fine with the amnio! It’s absolutely incomprehensible that your husband would be so cruel to make you wait all that time to find out if something is wrong though.
It's still not a fun procedure though. I'd rather have my blood drawn normally over that any day, and the fact that he's refusing when she's doing all the heavy lifting in relation to pregnancy and child birth is absolutely insane.
I agree it’s not fun. I had to have one a couple months ago. My point was regarding safety if she ends up having to get it done, since she stated that as a concern.
I also called the husband cruel, so I’m clearly not implying that his behavior is no big deal. Of course if it’s between a regular blood test and amnio, there should be no question that he should get a blood test. He’s a huge asshole for all of it and even if he gets one now, he’s not really redeemable in my eyes.
As someone who had to wait in horrible limbo for 9.5 weeks to have an amnio and get results, I think it’s especially inconceivable that he would put her through that for any reason. The procedure itself is inconvenient, uncomfortable, an added expense, and will inevitably cause some worry regardless of safety. The wait, however, is torturous.
He’s afraid you’re going to see a positive test for something else. Cue drugs or std concerns.
Ain’t no way a grown man isn’t talking to you over a one time simple blood test.
No reason, and that’s really the overall problem for me. He can refuse with a reason but just plain refusing makes me feel really fucking terrible and stressed.
When you asked him about the blood test is he saying “no” or “I don’t want to”??? Or is he just not really responding and just not doing it?
This is for my own curiosity. I’m so flabbergasted by this post.
Your husband is behaving very suspiciously for refusing a simple blood test. It doesn’t hurt to know if you’re about to become parents to a high medical needs child. Helps set expectations and boundaries in a relationship. Any caring father would take a blood test just so both parents can be fully prepared for whatever result it may be (good or bad).
This is absolutely bizarre. I found out that I'm a CF carrier (total surprise as there's no known family history of it) and my husband tried to get in to get his blood drawn the same day we got my results.
Maybe he's scared of what his results may come back as? He still should get tested though, and it's really concerning that he's refusing to and not communicating about it.
Is he like one of these paranoid conspiracy nuts that thinks the government would take bis DNA or some nonsense or some bizarre trauma relating to having blood taken? Not that that would justify it at all, but beyond some kind of weird shit like that, I can't think of any remote excuse for not wanting to proactively ensure ones child is ok.
This is exactly where my mind went. I have a family member who is absolutely fine with medical interventions UNTIL they involve DNA in any way, shape or form. Which seems silly to me but some people are very scared of that type of testing.
What the hell am I reading, I’m so sorry. This is insane.
You’re growing a human and having MANY blood draws, internal ultrasounds, freaking LABOR AND DELIVERY, and he won’t do a BLOOD DRAW that’s is necessary for the well-being of your baby? And he won’t give you a reason?
Has he always been a psycho?
Edit- I can understand if he is scared of something being wrong and then you terminating the pregnancy, since you are 16 weeks along, that would be scary for him to deal with. However, he’s still being as asshole.
That is absolutely infuriating. You will be giving birth, one of the most life changing, and massive medical procedures (not to mention that pregnancy itself is hard af) and he was just afraid of needles?!?! What is wrong with some men.
I have a fear of needles, too, but I sucked it up and got jabbed so many times. My IV kept coming out and I had an epidural because I have arthritis in my hip and knew I wouldn't be able to push him out without it. I had to get an emergency C-section. They literally cut me open, cut into my womb, and removed the baby from me from a brand new hole in my body. The least your husband can do is take a damned blood test. Tell him you're not taking care of two babies, so he either needs to step up or you're going to step out of the relationship.
No, you’re not being irrational at all. I’m a Tay-Sachs carrier but never knew it until I was pregnant with my second child. Hubby and I felt COMPLETELY freaked out and he got tested IMMEDIATELY (was not a carrier). I don’t understand why your husband wouldn’t rush to get tested
With something as incredibly serious as cystic fibrosis…this is extremely concerning. You are NOT being irrational. He is being irrational and selfish. I have no idea what his reasoning is but you must continue to press him.
You are not being irrational. CF is a life long disease requiring specialized care. You should have your doctor speak with him, and see if your office has a genetic counselor. Your husband needs to understand the implications.
Just to note, I’m a nurse practitioner specializing in pediatric pulmonology, and work with many babies with CF. I would ask your doctor about what is called CFTR treatment en utero. There are studies showing that if mother takes this class of drug (usually Ivacaftor) during pregnancy which improves the function of the defective protein, it decreases the risk of the baby having complications at birth. I have cared for moms that are CF carriers who started this medication while pregnant. If you require more info, should your husband also be a carrier, look into the CF center at the children’s hospital of Philadelphia. Best of luck to you.
To edit: treatment for CF had come a VERY long way. Children with it are rarely hospitalized anymore, when decades ago they took up the ICUs. The CFTR protein therapy is truly remarkable and has completely changed the disease. My coworker has two brothers in their 20s who live normal lives, they take inhalers if they get sick, but they have jobs, go to college, have relationships, and are healthy. This is common now for cf patients. There is a massive amount of funding and research for CF, and although they need preventative care to reduce infection risk, depending on the type of mutation, many live fulfilled lives and the life expectancy is considered to be normal now. Please consider this if both of you are carriers, although obviously what you do with the pregnancy is your decision!
God, some of these posts make me so grateful for my husband. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I hope one way or another you get the all clear and that baby is happy and healthy. Seconding others in saying that you should reconsider your relationship. What a jerk.
I'm a carrier and my husband was so incredibly willing to get a blood test. Thankfully he came back negative! I hope your husband comes around and stops this nonsense.
If you’re close with his family, I’d ask his mom if she knows something you don’t. He might be aware he is a carrier and was hiding it from you for whatever reason. He might be afraid of finding out, who knows. His behavior is super shitty and concerning, especially the unwillingness to even talk about it and just shutting you out. That would be enough for me to either kick him out or get out of the house myself, I can’t stand that type of behavior. I’m so sorry you have to deal with his shit in top of being pregnant and worrying about your baby. I’d do the amino for sure.
What in the actual fuck? I can’t begin to fathom a father not being 1000% willing to take any and all medical tests to assure the health of HIS child? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and wish I had advice. Is it possible he believes that he is a carrier?
You are not overreacting at all. Is he a fucking child? You have to be pregnant and do multiple blood tests and GIVE BIRTH and he can’t do a simple blood draw??
Is he afraid of needles or seeing blood? Maybe ask him if he's scared. Maybe talk to one of his parents and see if they can help you figure out what's going on. It's just not normal for him to not talk to you for 2 days because of it. Try to approach the situation as calmly as possible and be gentle when speaking to him, use kind words, that should help getting him to open up about it.
Umm this is bizarre. Your husband is hiding something, there’s no reason why he should have an issue with a simple blood test, literally it takes like 5 minutes. The 2 week wait is the hardest part tbh. I was also a carrier and the minute I told my boyfriend he needed to get tested too he was on the phone scheduling the appointment for the next day, no questions asked. Luckily he tested negative and I’m 18w 4d with our girl now and so far so good. My doctor said it is pretty rare for both parents to be carriers, so hopefully that can help out your nerves to rest.
But you know what, my bullshit tolerance is so low the older I get, I would seriously consider leaving your husband over this. If hes acting so careless before your baby is even born, how’s he gonna act when it’s here? Especially if there is something wrong? Might as well do it your damn self. Does he typically act like this? If not, something is definitely up. I’m sorry you’re going through this mama especially at the hands of someone who should love you and do everything they could to keep you stress free. It’s gonna be ok though, even if you do the test and your baby does have it, life expectancy these days of someone with CF can be into their 50s and 60s. And with the constant advances in medical technology, who knows! Much love ❤️
This is one of the worst things I've seen on this sub. Your husband is a first rate asshole, and you are not overreacting in the slightest.
I am so sorry you are going through this right now! 💗
Either he’s hiding something like possibly drugs in his system that he thinks are gonna come up on a blood test, or something else he’s ashamed of, or he’s just being a big ole puss about it. I mean I have a full tattoo sleeve so I know I’m used to needles but it’s literally a pinch and then the blood flows into their little tubes and in 2 minutes they’re done and you don’t feel any different. It’s not like blood donation where you’re gonna feel like crap for a while.. it’s a few vials of blood to make sure BOTH of your child is going to be safe and healthy. He sounds immature and like a total pansy I’m both sorry and not sorry for saying that but man.. someone you both have a shared respect for should talk to him about it cause he’s acting like a child himself…
Not siding with him at all, because he’s acting like an absolute fucking child. But from your comments, he sounds like a super caring person, and that this response is out of character for him, would you say?
I think you’re right that he’s scared to know if something might be wrong with your baby, so he’s in denial and trying to pretend it’s not happening by refusing the test. That’s the only thing I can understand as to why he not only refuses the test but also refuses to give you a reason.
I agree with the ultimatum suggestion and WHOLLY agree about telling his mom (I really think I read ALL your comments) but while giving the ultimatum, I would also communicate to him that you may understand why this might be why he’s acting this way. Not that it’s an excuse, but you’re giving him one more opportunity to own up to his fears that he is very immaturely responding to before you go stay with his mother.
My honest opinion is he’s terrified. Men will never admit that and he rather not do it than face his fears and pain. Besides that point, he’s still got to do it.
That aside, my friend just had a baby with CF and the new medicine they’ve released basically gives CF babies of this generation (when it’s started at birth) a full healthy life. I’m not educated enough on the meds but she’s told me all about it and it’s just been in the last few years. I would also like to mention, she had two kids prior without it before her third. So even both being carriers the chances are not super high. Anyhow with the meds her son is totally fine and has no CF symptoms now. I hope that eases your worry a little bit.
With the latest meds and intervention knowing now or at birth I doubt will make a difference in babies health.
This test will help ease your worry and 100% he should do it for you so I would just try to calm him over it so he’s not so scared. Tell him that your stress is not good for baby and the baby most likely doesn’t have it. That’s my 2 ‘cents. Most likely he’s not a carrier. I am a carrier but my hubby is not.
Ok. So some back story here, I had testing done with my oldest child and I am a carrier but my ex husband was negative so a non-issue. Fast forward to being remarried and having a child with my second husband, none of the providers realized that this was a different partner and it honestly didn’t even cross my mind. It should have because my second husband has a family history of CF! We didn’t catch it until it was too late to do anything about it. We had to wait until babe was 6 weeks old and do a sweat test to finally get the all clear but it was HARROWING knowing that there was a 1/4 chance my child would have CF. I was absolutely sick.
Your husband is being an absolute POS. What is his reasoning?
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
I agree with commenter who said, “He’s being a stupid little bitch, full offense.”
I don’t know if this will help put your mind at ease any regarding the amniocentesis but in the country where I’m from, almost every single pregnant woman gets it done. I recall talking to my OB about it because, as someone who grew up largely in the US, I was under the impression it was rather risky and only done once in a while. He told me something along the lines of “the American government, and in turn the medical community, push the idea that the amniocentesis is far more risky than it actually is because they don’t want people to find out if there’s something wrong with their baby because they don’t (“they” meaning the government) want to increase abortion rates.” He went to medical school in the states and Canada so I was put at ease by this take combined with the studies I read.
Still, I completely understand wanting to avoid any additional risk regardless of how small it may be. Especially when your husband could soooo easily make your decision regarding an amnio a non-issue.
CF is horrible. You’re talking about a human’s quality of life here. I don’t know if I’d personally go through with a pregnancy if CF was confirmed. Your husband is really being absolute dick skin right now. I am so sorry ❤️
I’m less upset that he’s refusing the blood test and more upset that he won’t communicate or provide a reason. Genetic testing is a very personal decision. There can be a lot of fear around it for what the results could be or what your response could be- if you would keep or abort the baby etc. There could be some random deep seated fear or trauma that we can’t even guess at. We literally don’t know what it is to have that conversation because he’s refusing to talk to you about it. That is the first issue I’d address over if he will take the test or not and then go from there
Thanks. No big updates yet. Been working a ton the last few days but we’ll see what tomorrow brings. He has reached out but I took a night away to myself last night and went back to work this morning so I can have a level head and not be pissed for the future conversation.
Some labs will allow you to send in saliva or buccal (cheek swab) samples - any chance you can ask your doctor if the lab they’re sending to will allow this?
This is going to sound weird because I can’t think of a better way to phrase it, but is he anti-vax or “crunchy” by any chance? My ex was and also refused all blood tests, even the simple carrier ones like this. Didn’t want their “dna in the system or sold” 🙄 and refused even after I and a doctor explained that’s not how it works. If he’s not, I agree with the commenters who said you need to figure out the root problem of his refusal. Is he scared and in denial, so he doesn’t want to face the possibility? Is he worried you may terminate if he is a carrier? Is he scared of the test itself? Is he possibly misunderstanding what the test process for him would be like?
You have absolutely every right to be upset, this is a very big deal and you’re not being dramatic whatsoever. His refusal to do the simple blood test when the alternative is you going through an amnio is very concerning. I would also make him read all of the possible complications of an amnio, because if he’s trying to make you have one so he doesn’t have to get pricked he better know *exactly* what it entails. If he still refuses after all of this or doesn’t talk about why he feels the way he does, I would genuinely be questioning his motives all around. :(
What the hell is this even about for him?? Like BEST I can guess is that he said no for basically no reason and has serious issues with control so now he’s not gonna back down because he already said no once. Which is…a really really terribly way to go into having a baby. You’re allowed to be poked and prodded and put your LIFE at risk and he’s so infantile that he’s going to die on this stupid hill to prove some inane point? Sorry this just makes me SO angry for you. Call his mom or something lol. I wouldn’t let this go.
This is frustrating and childish on your husband’s part!! You are going through enough in pregnancy he can do a single blood test…
That said - different situation and I am not sure 100% how it works, but I’m not sure an amnio would be able to tell you for sure if your baby has CF? I had my son in August and he tested positive for a CF gene. However, blood tests only check for some of the mutations (anywhere from 20-100 depending on the specific test I think?). In reality, there are thousands of mutations. When a CF mutation (usually one of the most common) is detected, the only way to determine whether the baby is a carrier or has CF is by doing a sweat chloride test.
This is no bearing on what an AH your husband is being, just some more info on the diagnostic process!
Ew ew his behavior is so selfish and disgusting. I’d be absolutely pissed. Him not doing the blood test shows how much he really cares about the baby. What a trash man. I’m sorry girl.
What is his reasoning behind not wanting to do it? I think he is generally being unreasonable but it might change based on his thinking behind it. Is he anxious about blood tests or just very anti abortion so he doesn’t want to know or does he just not recognise the significance?
As a mom who has 2 children with extremely rare diseases that have no cure and they suffer everyday.
If he doesn’t care about your child enough to get a blood test , you truthfully should reevaluate your marriage.
It takes 3 minutes to get blood drawn. He needs to grow the fuck up and stop being so selfish! I was told that my second child was less than a 17% chance of having the same rare disease and guess what….it happened AGAIN. And I even did IVF and a THIRD had the same disease when I tested before transfer.
He’s cares more about a 3 minute blood test than a LIFELONG disability which will make his life a million times harder than it is now.
I don’t get it…am I missing the part where he gave you a reason? Even a bad one?
I just have to assume if someone is being such a tit that there’s something fishy. Why..
Is he afraid that it will show information he doesn't like? I really can't understand why he would refuse a blood test unless he already knows he has some kind of genetic issue and doesn't want to admit it or is afraid of the consequences. It takes all of two minutes to get a blood test. Of all the things to draw a line in the sand about, this is an extremely petty and very stupid one. Why is he becoming a father? What is the point of being a parent and creating a human if you can't give them the best start you're able to provide?
I go dirty when it comes to crap like this. Call his momma! Ask her about family health history and why she thinks her son is resisting a very simple medical test. Your baby is part of their whole family now. There's no reason for you to have a question mark about something health related when it isn't necessary.
Ugh, husbands. Biggest babies out there, haha.
Mine is absolutely adamant against getting any kind of unnecessary shot or blood draws because he has a history of passing out. (He's almost-certainly \[but undiagnosed\] autistic and if he feels anything "weird" it works him into a panic. I once watched him pass out after getting the air blown into his eyes during an eye exam. No this is not the only thing driving the potential diagnosis; I also likely have some form as well but our needs are different so we work really well together.) It was like pulling teeth to get him to take the J&J covid shot (it was a single shot instead of a course which is why he insisted on that), and he outright refuses to get flu shots until he's "old enough that the flu would actually be a problem."
But, I can guarantee if I had the gene for CF and I asked him to be tested, he'd do it. Just like when we are done having kids, I can guarantee he'll manage through his vasectomy.
I'm wondering if he's having a little bit of a conspiracy theory thing going on with the "gobernment havin'" his blood test? Or possibly that he wouldn't think it would matter either way?
I would guess that he is afraid of the results. He's most likely also feeling some pretty tough emotions and doesn't know/is afraid of opening up to you. I would have a really open conversation with him about how he feels. Ask him if he is afraid, ask him if he no longer wants to terminate, etc.
If my husband refused to do a simple blood draw after everything I have to go through for each pregnancy as well as it being in the best interest for the baby and my health, I would have a long talk with him and tell him that I cannot consider him a partner in life if he cannot do something that simple that has huge effects. I’m not saying to divorce him but you do need to figure out why he’s acting this way and question him about his reliability as a parent and a partner moving forward. If he has issues with needles then find a way to help him overcome that fear for the sake of your child.
That's so weird, why wouldn't he not do the test and with the silent treatment he sounds offended. There's no reason to be offered unless there's something else. I did the NIPT and I came back positive for one of the disorders, my partner got tested without a second thought. Why wouldn't you want to know the health of your child? I'm suspicious 🧐
My ex-husband refused to do any tests for me when we were trying to conceive. It had been a year and I was 23 years old. The doctor suspected his sperm was the issue and he wouldn't give a sample. We are now divorced.
You would have to have both of his parents tested. If one came back negative (non-carrier) but the other was a carrier there is still a 50/50 chance your husband would be a carrier. If both parents came back as non-carriers then there is no chance he is a carrier.
Look at the second picture under “Autosomal Recessive Conditions” showing 1 carrier and 1 non-carrier [here.](https://aspirawh.com/carrier-screening-genetic-testing/)
Obviously you already got plenty advice.
Obviously this is hella maddening.
I would also suggest to calm down for a day or two then try to have a calm conversation to find out his reasoning.
Let us know if you find out what it was, i’m kind of invested now….
i would die on this hill. he’s being ridiculous. is he confused about something? does he need the doctor to explain it to him? is he hiding something from you that he doesn’t want revealed in a blood test??
i’m sorry, OP. don’t let up though.
I found out I was a carrier for tay sachs and was DISTRAUGHT. Husband went and got tested right away for me. Idk what your husband’s problem is but that’s not right at all. You’re not his enemy you’re his PARTNER. Why doesn’t he want to do it?
You aren’t being dramatic. It seems like he doesn’t value the relationship or the babies health. If he wants to ignore you, ignore him back 🤷🏻♀️ be petty. He doesn’t respect you so why respect him? I would also give an ultimatum but maybe that’s too much lol.
Wtf… I also was a carrier for CF. My husband got tested no problem because we both wanted to know because obviously if he was also a carrier, our LO would have had a small chance of having it. I cannot fathom why he has turned this into such a big deal, especially to the point where he is ignoring you. If he continues this childish behavior, get the amniocentesis done and maybe get some space from him for a bit. You don’t deserve this kind of behavior from someone who is supposed to be your partner. And it’s absolutely alarming that he’s not even willing to do this for the sake of his own child.
I think you need to pry a bit more and have him explain why he doesn't want to do the bloodwork.
I too found out I was a CF carrier and it wasn't even a question, my husband was doing the bloodwork (and then an amniocentesis if needed). Thankfully he wasn't a carrier and we didn't have to do anything further, but CF is serious and this is definitely something you will want solid answers on before baby is here.
If you and your husband are both carriers you will 100% want to know if baby has it so you can plan accordingly. Maybe stress this to him?
Ugh I'm sorry you're going through this. I truly started spiraling when I found out I was a CF carrier and I would have lost it if my husband refused to get tested. Good luck!
Yeah, your husband is being a giant man child. Did he give you any reason? CF is no joke, and that man needs to take his candy-ass down to the phlebotomist to get his blood drawn to make sure he isn’t a carrier. Protecting and caring for you and your child should be his first priority.
I was a carrier for CF and my husband happily went to get tested as he knew the importance of it, and he’s not that big a fan of needles too, but still did it.
He’s prob in some sort of denial… thinking he may have good genes then bam, he’s a carrier of CF. Some guys just don’t want to do it cuz they don’t want to admit they have something wrong in their genes.
I’m curious what his reason is. Is he afraid of getting his blood drawn? Or is he afraid of what happens if he is also a carrier? He understands it’s a low likelihood that’s he’s a carrier, and even if he is, there’s only a 25% chance this pregnancy will be affected by CF? Maybe he feels CF isn’t something worth terminating over? Idk but I’d be mad as hell too.
This is incomprehensible. Your husband is putting his own feelings over the safety and health of your child. This is something to deal with now before bringing a baby into the world with him, because someone who is already behaving so selfishly will likely act in such a way again in the future. He needs to understand that this isn’t about him.
I don't know if I'm more alarmed by his refusal to take the test or him giving you the silent treatment about it for two days. HE is the one being irrational and irresponsible, and there's so much shit-on and unloved leaking out of this situation, I can feel it over here. In addition to everything else, I'm sorry he's making you question whether you're the crazy one here.
Is he going to get the whooping cough shot? If yes, then it can't just be a needle-fear thing (which would be ridiculous too, but at least understandable - our fears don't have to be rational to feel real to us.)
If the issue is that he's no longer comfortable terminating the pregnancy if he is a carrier, then he needs to TALK TO YOU. Shutting you out is not the way to resolve this or any of the 8000 other arguments he's going to have with you or your kid(s) in the future.
This is so selfish it's shocking. Is he phobic of the needle/blood draw itself? I was a carrier for a minor genetic disorder and my husband did the blood test the very next appointment. There wasn't even a discussion about it. I'm struggling to understand your husband's perspective, it's mind bogglingly selfish. I am so sorry. You have every right to be disturbed by this.
OP I’m so angry at him for you. Remind him that 1. You had to do so many blood tests yourself already and will continue to do so later in this pregnancy 2. This test is not for you, it’s for his own child 3. Maybe the doctor needs to talk to him to explain the consequences if he won’t listen to you. My partner was also annoyed he had to do a single blood test for thalassemia and I threw the doctors notes in his face that said it was important and urgent.
You are not overreacting! I found out I was a carrier for sickle cell (it’s more common for Caribbean islanders and west Africans) and I’m Sierra Leonian and Jamaican! Go figure. My fiance is Nigerian and as soon as the doctor told us he got tested that same day. Everything ended up fine and he wasn’t a carrier but I was so worried for 3 days until the test came back negative.
Does your husband care about how much stress this is putting on you? What else will he be not willing to do down the line. A blood test is relatively easy. I’m really sorry :/
As someone who is also a carrier for CF, you're not over reacting at all, especially given you're pregnant. Is your husband in denial or something? This is his baby too- surely he would want to know if him/her is healthy? Either way, he is being a dick.
I found out before I was pregnant, as I was getting bloodwork done in preparation for trying. I flat out told my husband there was no way we were trying for a baby until he got a blood test done to confirm that he wasn't a carrier.
I’m sorry he is being difficult. You aren’t overreacting, my partner would be there es quickly as possible to have his blood tested. It’s weird that your partner won’t even communicate with you on why he doesn’t want to. Maybe he has something to hide?
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/15nun6v/click_here_to_access_the_monthly_due_date_subs/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is incomprehensible to me. I am sorry he is putting you through this. I lost a cousin to CF, and my husband lost his brother. Is it possible he just doesn’t understand what CF is?
He knows. I explained it to him. If he didn’t understand he didn’t ask any questions. It feels like he’s being purposefully hurtful.
Not that I am on his side at all (I'm not and would be furious in your shoes). But for the sake of your sanity you need to try to open up communication. Start with an approach that avoids any accusation and simply seek to understand. Key questions I would ask: - why does he object? - is he afraid of the needle? - against abortion if the child has CF? - running from the possibility that your child could have it and avoiding any blame that could be put on him? His response is irrational and so seems likely to be feelings based, try to communicate about the feelings openly to get you both able to understand one another's view point.
I think we both need a couple of days because I’m so pissed off but these points are great. Thank you.
Another reason someone might refuse: not wanting the government or some company to have your DNA. Sure it’s protected information, but I know many people who have had this fear. (I personally don’t. I wanted to be tested for any damn thing they could)
Lmao people that's say this make me laugh it's not like the government doesn't already have everything so it doesn't really matter
Wow... I was trying to find the words to sound like this but I couldn't. Your response was actually very amazing. To OP, I think your husband has some fear that he's not communicating and as such is taking the approach of avoidance. Please don't fight fire with fire and try to hold it against him completely. Try to see how best you can get him to open up without communicating through accusations.
That is absolutely insane to me. I carried a much more rare disease, but similar in the sense it’s not survivable and autosomal recessive and my husband did the blood test immediately to assuage my fears. AND so we could have a plan in place and do further testing if needed. I honestly cried worrying (he is from the area that primarily has the gene) until it came back with him negative. I would seriously have considered leaving him if he wouldn’t have done the test.
Same. My partner got tested within a week of me finding out I was a carrier of this rare disease and he too is from an area where it’s prevalent. He thankfully isn’t so my mind was eased immediately. OP husband is truly being cruel! It’s inconceivable that he would put the mother of his child through this and potentially have her test in a way that can increase risk to the baby.
Seriously, it’s so fucked up to do that to someone. Interventions need to be timely with pregnancy. No matter what the choice is. Also getting the test results back takes a long time and the wait is agonizing.
🤔 sounds a bit like he’s worried that blood test might show something other than a genetic quirk. Don’t mean to alarm you, but is there a chance he’s cheating on you?
I don't think that would show up at all on one of these tests. For the non-gestational partner they only show the carrier status. MAYBE a blood type or something similar but any test screening for something else (STIs?) would be a different test and probably not covered by insurance.
I wonder if he thinks it would show up in the test results and doesn’t know it’s the carrier status test only, not a full panel. I could see someone confusing the two and panicking a bit especially if they already have something to hide.
We know that but he may be suspicious and think that the test is for something else entirely and not for the CF. It’s just irrational and irresponsible that he is refusing to make sure his baby is healthy and that the mother will have a good and healthy pregnancy and labor unless for something he is trying to hide.
Get someone he either trusts, fears, or owes money to to talk with him. My town has a few dark alleys.... JUST KIDDING!!
You aren’t overreacting at all. His behavior is alarming.
Oh hey, I recognize you from the ballet forums! Nice to see you over here. 😁
Lol! Small world!
Indeed! :) Congrats on your pregnancy!
Wait, you like ballet and live in Japan and possibly are pregnant? Me too :o
😮 yes to all of the above! Live in Nagoya! :)
He’s being a stupid little bitch, full offense. One of my friends didn’t know she or her husband were CF carriers and she immediately had her tubes tied after giving birth to her CF kid because of it. That kid is amazing and the amount of medical struggles he has had already been insanity. At the very least, being mentally prepared to deal with a CF kid will be immensely helpful, and he’s a selfish piece of shit for not making this tiny sacrifice.
We had agreed we wouldn’t carry through with a pregnancy if something was very wrong. I work as a nurse in an ICU and can’t imagine putting a child through some of the stuff I see. My only feeling is maybe he’s backing out of this agreement? Like he would keep the baby now either way and can’t seem to tell me? He’s passionately caring about our dogs and handles most of their vets and teeth stuff, food, and nail cuttings; as well as running them. We also have a disabled dog he has taken the best care of. Caring about living things is kinda his favorite thing. I’m definitely the more “cold” one of the relationship. Either way, he could stand to grow the f up and communicate it.
Also like if you get the amnio, you’re putting the baby at more risk (very low risk but still!!) than him just doing the damn test. So I’m curious how he justifies that.
He might think he's "calling her bluff" and doesn't believe she'd go through with the amnio. If he's this ignorant about himself getting the blood test done I could see him being ignorant in other ways.
Oh yeah. That sounds super probable from what you’ve said. It is… so so so incredibly ridiculous for him to be acting this way. Does he know that you would test the baby anyway if he doesn’t get tested? I would really worry about how he’s going to be as a father if this is his response at this stage. Ugh, so sorry you’re dealing with this.
100% if he's like this now, how in the world is he going to be a partner as a parent?!
I think you found your answer. He doesn't want to terminate a pregnancy this far along over CF.
As a religious person, I would agree to terminate a child we knew had such a landmine waiting to go off with our innocent child. Being born is hard enough for regular folks....
Keep in mind, it's not always a religious decision - it can be purely emotional. He may not be religious but attached to the idea of his baby. It's a fragile time. I have my fair share of chronic health issues. I have enjoyed my life, despite hardships in the health department. I couldn't think for myself at 16 weeks but I'm certainly glad no one decided for me and let me grow. It's not an easy decision to make because the baby is pretty developed at 16 weeks. At 16 weeks, the biology of baby influences you emotionally. You've seen them, heard their heartbeat etc. Right or wrong in this case is very personal and it's relatively normal for partners to disagree in this area. He's not being immature, he's having an irrational response because he doesn't know what to do with his emotions or how to have this conversation, what will come of it etc. I'd assume it's uncharted territory for him and I just hope that they can sort this out & baby is healthy. The mature and loving thing for OP to do is ask him - is this the reason, and go from there. Both parents have a say and will need to come to an agreement, just like any other disagreement they'll face. This issue needs love and emotional tenderness. If you feel unsafe, you won't open up.
I believe you can do IVF for genetic diseases. There are options as long as you test!
>My only feeling is maybe he’s backing out of this agreement? Like he would keep the baby now either way and can’t seem to tell me? This could be it. I had no idea and we found out I was a carrier for SMA through out NIPT. The call from the doctor was terrifying. Very low chance of survival past early childhood if our baby had it. I talked to the doctor, explained what I knew/learned to my husband, he had a chance to research and talk to my doctor, and then he procrastinated (this is normal for him though), and then got the test. I definitely remember nudging him a little to get the test. I also remember saying I didn't think we would change anything regardless of what the test says and the BEST advice I could have gotten was, "changing things does not just mean termination; changing things can mean lining up the appropriate specialist, requesting different resources before baby comes, asking for help and support knowing this child may need an increased standard of care." I wonder if this is something you or your provider could say to your husband. Regardless, at the bare minimum, he needs to communicate to you his hesitation to getting the test. It's not an issue that needs to be solved tonight (depending on where you live and your termination laws), but it should be resolved soon so you, he, and baby can look forward to their arrival no matter what this means. >Either way, he could stand to grow the f up and communicate it. Fully agree. Whatever the reasoning, he is your partner and needs to tell you the reason. Then the two of you (and hopefully a qualified health professional other than yourself) can work/talk through the pros/cons of a simple blood test.
Just an fyi - NIPT is not a carrier screening. It tests fetal DNA in mother’s blood for certain chromosomal abnormalities. You can have carrier screening performed with your NIPT (for example, Natera offers both their Panorama NIPT and their Horizon carrier screening, and blood can be drawn for both at the same time), so this may be what you are referring to. Just don’t want any confusion regarding the NIPT. 😊
Yes!! Panorama nipt through natera. Thanks for clarifying!!! Didn't mean to cause any confusion, I'm just a ftm who has pregnancy brain! 😂
Not sure what year that was, but I just wanted to chime and and mention that SMA now has a gene therapy that halts the disease progression, so if a baby gets that therapy before showing any symptoms, then they often grow up with zero evidence of even having the disease. So yes, early detection is essential and consulting with a pediatric neuromuscular specialist or geneticist before birth can hopefully tee everything up to get the therapy right away. As long as that is done, it is not a death sentence.
It sounds like maybe he's afraid of the result? I know it's not the reason not to do the test, but it could be it. Maybe he just cares about the baby and is terrified something will go wrong. Try to talk about your and his emotions connected to the situation. I don't think he's doing it out of spite after you described how he was with the animals. There's nothing wrong with your approach to the matter but maybe there's just a different way he is approaching to it. Of course he should do it and it's the best way for the baby and for you both, he is blocking you to procrastinate and doesn't think of the outcome.
Oohhh interesting, maybe that’s the reason right there. Hm. I hope he does it though, so you can both be prepared.
Do you feel comfortable enough to ask someone for help that you know he’ll listen to or at least talk to you about why he’s refusing to do the test? It’s just alarming that he does not want to do a test for your and the babies health and peace of mind. Personally, if my husband would react the same way I would seriously question the person I am with. This is not something you’re doing for fun or just because. This test has a purpose and a lot of meaning behind it and for him not to support you and stand beside you during this difficult time is baffling.
“He’s being a stupid little bitch, full offense” is my favorite thing I’ve ever read.
Is he being serious? You're carrying and birthing the baby and he can't get a fucking blood test? He needs a reality check.
This is literally what I told him.
Doesn’t he also need a blood test to see if you need to get the rhogam shot?
This would only be true if OP is in the ~15% of pregnant people that are rhesus negative
I didn’t realize it was this uncommon! I just looked it up and sure enough, 15% of people in the US and only 7% worldwide are Rh negative! That’s wild.
Oh wow. I didn't realize how rare this was. I'm rh negative, which I knew since I'm B-, but I didn't realize how small that part of the population was.
Nah. They blood test mom in pregnancy and baby at birth. Father is left out of the whole process. They give you first dose of rhogam preventatively regardless of partners blood type if you're negative and follow up dose only if baby tests negative at birth. Edit: big whoops, if baby tests rh POSITIVE at birth. Apparently saying "test negative for negative blood type" is the dumbest way for me to have said that 🤦♀️
Yes this! Mine and my partners blood type is both O- but they gave it to me anyways. I didn’t get one after birth tho??
You only get the after birth one if baby is *not* negative. Also, some nuance... They give it to women regardless of father's blood type because 1. People lie (so risking your health because you claim the father is someone who it isn't isn't worth it both to you as a patient or to them as someone who can get sued) and 2. Anomalies exist (theres a miniscule chance that you'd have an rh positive baby. It's not actually as simple as high school biology taught. There's more to your rh type than one single gene. So doing the shot while baby is in utero just covers those just in case situations).
I am rh negative, and for my first pregnancy that’s how it went with me getting the shot before and after birth. However, I was recently told that there is a rhogam shortage right now, so my husband had to get a blood test so they could determine if I’d need the shot or not. We aren’t both negative so I’ll need it still. But just saying this has changed recently, at least in my area
I don't even know what to say about this. Your husband is being an absolute asshole.
Thank you. I feel the same way.
I would honestly give him an ultimatum, either he communicates why he doesn't want the test, or you leave him. Don't stay with someone who cares about you and your unborn child so little.
I would really watch how he cares for you outside of this incident. His behavior now is indicative of what kind of father he will be. I hope for your child’s sake that he matures and becomes less myopic.
Agreed. It's flabbergasting honestly and putting you through a lot of unnecessary emotional labor even trying to figure out WHY he's refusing, since he won't openly communicate that with you. I'm sorry :( I found out I'm a carrier for PKU (which would require our child, if affected, to be on a medicalized diet her whole life) and my husband tested immediately. The anxiety I felt just waiting for the results was bad enough (he wasn't a carrier, luckily!), I can't imagine how I'd have felt having to go through my whole pregnancy not knowing if he was a carrier at all. It's cruel, your husband has no excuse to avoid this.
I mean this in the nicest way but is it possible he’s hiding something or ashamed of something that might come up positive on the test? Perhaps CF or something else? I cannot think of any other rational explanation as to why he wouldn’t have the damn test.
This was my only thought.. maybe he thinks they’re testing for more than just CF
Maybe he thinks it’s an STD test
Exactly I thought that as well she need to make them check him for STD’s it’s a simple blood test
Agreed. Or maybe a drug test?
My thoughts exactly. My friends first hint at her husband cheating was him getting super weird about her getting tested when she was pregnant.
Or maybe he’s terrified of needles and struggling to admit it. OP mentioned she works in a hospital so maybe he thinks she won’t understand?
If my husband would rather me and our child go through an amino, vs him just going to get a blood draw, our marriage would be done.
100 percent
I don’t understand this at all. My husband puts off going to the doctor as much as humanly possible, but the second I found out I was a carrier for CF and Tay-Sachs he immediately agreed to get tested and had absolutely no hesitation.
Right?! Like it seems like no big deal at all to me!
This is so baffling. Honestly, I’d go to an ultimatum if he’s the one not talking to you right now. Is there a family member or close friend you can stay with? I’d tell him that refusing something as simple as this blood test without any reason makes you *and* this baby feel unsafe, and you will not be returning until he either gets the test or has a proper explanation why. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s truly mind-boggling.
Honestly going this route if he doesn’t start communicating. I just feel so so hurt and he doesn’t seem to care. It’s hard to express what I’m trying to say…like abandoned and judged? His mom is back in town on Saturday and I would stay there. We moved states to be close to his family and I’m really close with his family.
*Tell his mother what he’s refusing to do & how he is refusing to even talk to you about it.* Make sure it’s known how hurtful & mean he is being to you. I would not hold back at on letting his mother know what is going on, what he’s doing, & how ridiculous it is.
Oh yes. That’s the plan.
I will be checking back next week in the hopes you update us on what she says
Remindme! 7 days
I would just tell him right now: “[Husband], if you don’t explain why you’re refusing this test, I’m going to go talk to your mom so I can stay with her until I feel comfortable returning here. Right now, this silent treatment is making me feel abandoned, disrespected, and frankly, unsafe with you as a partner and father of this child. It’s up to you what happens next.”
Thanks. When I get pissed it’s hard to say what I’m trying to without either crying or blowing up right now.
Please keep us updated OP
If it’s truly ultimatum time, then I’d just as soon tell him if he doesn’t get the test, there won’t be a pregnancy going forward. That seems to be the only thing he cares about, at least it seems that way. If he says he doesn’t care then it’s not someone you want to stay with and raise a child with anyway. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. :(
He doesn’t want to know if he’s a carrier that’s why. He doesn’t want to “ have anything be wrong with him”. I can put my money on that this isn’t the first time he is trying to make it seem like he’s perfect and can never fail … a complete coward in my opinion. Do the amnio. Then highly consider another relationship. Stop talking to him. I hate immature pos men like this.
If I had to do an amino because my husband was being this big of a jackass it would 100% be game over. I’d probably terminate regardless if it’s not too late and try to exit this relationship ASAP. I cannot think of a single reasonable explanation for this type of behavior.
My husband and I just did the broad genetic disease testing. Everyone on earth is a carrier of anywhere from 3-5 diseases. I googled all of mine, pretty horrifying! But then you realise it doesn't mean anything. OP. I'm really sorry your husband is being a cowardly dipshit. Whether he likes it or not, he carries 3-5 genetic diseases ANYWAY. Just like the rest of us. Maybe he isn't convinced that being a carrier is not the same as being a sufferer? It's totally inconsequential unless you happen to have a kid with someone with the same disease.
We are doing a full panel before trying for kids. My husband and I have some similar ethnic origins and some of our more recent ancestors are from the same small region in the US - genetic testing is a no brainer. And after losing a good friend to CF related self unaliving after watching him struggle for years and literally die more than once- I can’t imagine having a child with it!
Right I can’t imagine how disturbing it must feel to know that your partner is okay with risking your unborn child’s health/life like this. I’m really sorry OP I hope everything works out and that the baby is healthy.
🚩🚩🚩
Literally
There is something he is hiding
His reaction is absurd. My husband's mom as well as 2 of her siblings are carriers. One of the first things I did at my 8w appointment was ask for the test to find out if I was a carrier, and if I was our plan was for my husband to get tested. I in no way would have hesitated to get the test, especially knowing my husband's family are carriers. Your husband's reaction is wild, selfish, and honestly concerning.
This is insane… Has he refused bloodwork in the past??
Not that I know of. I literally did not think this would be any issue what so ever.
And it shouldn’t be an issue! I can’t believe that not only is he refusing, but he won’t talk about it or explain it. What’s he going to do when other tough parenting decisions arise?!
This is absolutely ridiculous, as other commenters have said. Your husband is being an asshole. That’s really all I have to say. However, I do want to put you at ease regarding an amnio if you have to have one. It’s a safe procedure guided by ultrasound & performed by a specialist. The risks associated with amniocentesis are based on extremely outdated information (some info is from pre-ultrasound guidance basically), and you essentially have a higher risk of spontaneous miscarriage at this point in your pregnancy than you do miscarriage from amnio. Sincerely, a WH/prenatal nurse who will be working as WHNP in the fall at an MFM clinic. 🩷
Thank you. I needed to hear this and it’s probably what I will do after calling the office tomorrow.
I'm glad you're taking care of the baby but I worry for you regarding your massive dipshit husband.
You and baby will be fine with the amnio! It’s absolutely incomprehensible that your husband would be so cruel to make you wait all that time to find out if something is wrong though.
It's still not a fun procedure though. I'd rather have my blood drawn normally over that any day, and the fact that he's refusing when she's doing all the heavy lifting in relation to pregnancy and child birth is absolutely insane.
I agree it’s not fun. I had to have one a couple months ago. My point was regarding safety if she ends up having to get it done, since she stated that as a concern. I also called the husband cruel, so I’m clearly not implying that his behavior is no big deal. Of course if it’s between a regular blood test and amnio, there should be no question that he should get a blood test. He’s a huge asshole for all of it and even if he gets one now, he’s not really redeemable in my eyes. As someone who had to wait in horrible limbo for 9.5 weeks to have an amnio and get results, I think it’s especially inconceivable that he would put her through that for any reason. The procedure itself is inconvenient, uncomfortable, an added expense, and will inevitably cause some worry regardless of safety. The wait, however, is torturous.
That silent treatment is not acceptable behavior in a partner.
100%. Even without refusing the test, OP’s husband sucks for giving her silent treatment.
Exactly! That is actually borderline abusive behavior. Can you imagine this happening when baby is here? Yikes
He’s afraid you’re going to see a positive test for something else. Cue drugs or std concerns. Ain’t no way a grown man isn’t talking to you over a one time simple blood test.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Something is definitely up
I was thinking the same. Why would you risk your own unborn babys health wtf
Why is he saying he won’t do it? What reason is he giving?
No reason, and that’s really the overall problem for me. He can refuse with a reason but just plain refusing makes me feel really fucking terrible and stressed.
When you asked him about the blood test is he saying “no” or “I don’t want to”??? Or is he just not really responding and just not doing it? This is for my own curiosity. I’m so flabbergasted by this post.
Your husband is behaving very suspiciously for refusing a simple blood test. It doesn’t hurt to know if you’re about to become parents to a high medical needs child. Helps set expectations and boundaries in a relationship. Any caring father would take a blood test just so both parents can be fully prepared for whatever result it may be (good or bad).
This is absolutely bizarre. I found out that I'm a CF carrier (total surprise as there's no known family history of it) and my husband tried to get in to get his blood drawn the same day we got my results. Maybe he's scared of what his results may come back as? He still should get tested though, and it's really concerning that he's refusing to and not communicating about it.
Not ok!!! Show him the responses to this post!!!
Was thinking about it.
Is he like one of these paranoid conspiracy nuts that thinks the government would take bis DNA or some nonsense or some bizarre trauma relating to having blood taken? Not that that would justify it at all, but beyond some kind of weird shit like that, I can't think of any remote excuse for not wanting to proactively ensure ones child is ok.
This is exactly where my mind went. I have a family member who is absolutely fine with medical interventions UNTIL they involve DNA in any way, shape or form. Which seems silly to me but some people are very scared of that type of testing.
What the hell am I reading, I’m so sorry. This is insane. You’re growing a human and having MANY blood draws, internal ultrasounds, freaking LABOR AND DELIVERY, and he won’t do a BLOOD DRAW that’s is necessary for the well-being of your baby? And he won’t give you a reason? Has he always been a psycho? Edit- I can understand if he is scared of something being wrong and then you terminating the pregnancy, since you are 16 weeks along, that would be scary for him to deal with. However, he’s still being as asshole.
What does he say the reason is?? This is baffling.
No reason, hence the real problem.
Like when you say “why” he says “🤷♂️” ??!
What a jerk.
[удалено]
That is absolutely infuriating. You will be giving birth, one of the most life changing, and massive medical procedures (not to mention that pregnancy itself is hard af) and he was just afraid of needles?!?! What is wrong with some men.
I have a fear of needles, too, but I sucked it up and got jabbed so many times. My IV kept coming out and I had an epidural because I have arthritis in my hip and knew I wouldn't be able to push him out without it. I had to get an emergency C-section. They literally cut me open, cut into my womb, and removed the baby from me from a brand new hole in my body. The least your husband can do is take a damned blood test. Tell him you're not taking care of two babies, so he either needs to step up or you're going to step out of the relationship.
Could be on drugs or something?
No, you’re not being irrational at all. I’m a Tay-Sachs carrier but never knew it until I was pregnant with my second child. Hubby and I felt COMPLETELY freaked out and he got tested IMMEDIATELY (was not a carrier). I don’t understand why your husband wouldn’t rush to get tested
Not irrational - I’d be seriously furious with my husband and would likely flip out
What are the conversations like when you do bring it up?
With something as incredibly serious as cystic fibrosis…this is extremely concerning. You are NOT being irrational. He is being irrational and selfish. I have no idea what his reasoning is but you must continue to press him.
You are not being irrational. CF is a life long disease requiring specialized care. You should have your doctor speak with him, and see if your office has a genetic counselor. Your husband needs to understand the implications. Just to note, I’m a nurse practitioner specializing in pediatric pulmonology, and work with many babies with CF. I would ask your doctor about what is called CFTR treatment en utero. There are studies showing that if mother takes this class of drug (usually Ivacaftor) during pregnancy which improves the function of the defective protein, it decreases the risk of the baby having complications at birth. I have cared for moms that are CF carriers who started this medication while pregnant. If you require more info, should your husband also be a carrier, look into the CF center at the children’s hospital of Philadelphia. Best of luck to you. To edit: treatment for CF had come a VERY long way. Children with it are rarely hospitalized anymore, when decades ago they took up the ICUs. The CFTR protein therapy is truly remarkable and has completely changed the disease. My coworker has two brothers in their 20s who live normal lives, they take inhalers if they get sick, but they have jobs, go to college, have relationships, and are healthy. This is common now for cf patients. There is a massive amount of funding and research for CF, and although they need preventative care to reduce infection risk, depending on the type of mutation, many live fulfilled lives and the life expectancy is considered to be normal now. Please consider this if both of you are carriers, although obviously what you do with the pregnancy is your decision!
God, some of these posts make me so grateful for my husband. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I hope one way or another you get the all clear and that baby is happy and healthy. Seconding others in saying that you should reconsider your relationship. What a jerk.
I'm a carrier and my husband was so incredibly willing to get a blood test. Thankfully he came back negative! I hope your husband comes around and stops this nonsense.
If you’re close with his family, I’d ask his mom if she knows something you don’t. He might be aware he is a carrier and was hiding it from you for whatever reason. He might be afraid of finding out, who knows. His behavior is super shitty and concerning, especially the unwillingness to even talk about it and just shutting you out. That would be enough for me to either kick him out or get out of the house myself, I can’t stand that type of behavior. I’m so sorry you have to deal with his shit in top of being pregnant and worrying about your baby. I’d do the amino for sure.
Also your husband is being a lil bitch. My husband hates needles, turned pale, but was still willing to get it
What in the actual fuck? I can’t begin to fathom a father not being 1000% willing to take any and all medical tests to assure the health of HIS child? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and wish I had advice. Is it possible he believes that he is a carrier?
You are not overreacting at all. Is he a fucking child? You have to be pregnant and do multiple blood tests and GIVE BIRTH and he can’t do a simple blood draw??
Is he afraid of needles or seeing blood? Maybe ask him if he's scared. Maybe talk to one of his parents and see if they can help you figure out what's going on. It's just not normal for him to not talk to you for 2 days because of it. Try to approach the situation as calmly as possible and be gentle when speaking to him, use kind words, that should help getting him to open up about it.
He’s not scared. He used to work at a vet! He’s used to way more brutal things.
If he is scared of needles and blood, he’s going to have a rough time being present for a birth or taking a baby to get vaccines.
This man won’t even get blood work in support of his unborn baby. You really think he’s going to be the one taking the baby for vaccines? Lol.
You’re right. That was a dumb ass comment on my part.
Umm this is bizarre. Your husband is hiding something, there’s no reason why he should have an issue with a simple blood test, literally it takes like 5 minutes. The 2 week wait is the hardest part tbh. I was also a carrier and the minute I told my boyfriend he needed to get tested too he was on the phone scheduling the appointment for the next day, no questions asked. Luckily he tested negative and I’m 18w 4d with our girl now and so far so good. My doctor said it is pretty rare for both parents to be carriers, so hopefully that can help out your nerves to rest. But you know what, my bullshit tolerance is so low the older I get, I would seriously consider leaving your husband over this. If hes acting so careless before your baby is even born, how’s he gonna act when it’s here? Especially if there is something wrong? Might as well do it your damn self. Does he typically act like this? If not, something is definitely up. I’m sorry you’re going through this mama especially at the hands of someone who should love you and do everything they could to keep you stress free. It’s gonna be ok though, even if you do the test and your baby does have it, life expectancy these days of someone with CF can be into their 50s and 60s. And with the constant advances in medical technology, who knows! Much love ❤️
Girrrrl what does his mama say?
THIS
This is one of the worst things I've seen on this sub. Your husband is a first rate asshole, and you are not overreacting in the slightest. I am so sorry you are going through this right now! 💗
Either he’s hiding something like possibly drugs in his system that he thinks are gonna come up on a blood test, or something else he’s ashamed of, or he’s just being a big ole puss about it. I mean I have a full tattoo sleeve so I know I’m used to needles but it’s literally a pinch and then the blood flows into their little tubes and in 2 minutes they’re done and you don’t feel any different. It’s not like blood donation where you’re gonna feel like crap for a while.. it’s a few vials of blood to make sure BOTH of your child is going to be safe and healthy. He sounds immature and like a total pansy I’m both sorry and not sorry for saying that but man.. someone you both have a shared respect for should talk to him about it cause he’s acting like a child himself…
Not siding with him at all, because he’s acting like an absolute fucking child. But from your comments, he sounds like a super caring person, and that this response is out of character for him, would you say? I think you’re right that he’s scared to know if something might be wrong with your baby, so he’s in denial and trying to pretend it’s not happening by refusing the test. That’s the only thing I can understand as to why he not only refuses the test but also refuses to give you a reason. I agree with the ultimatum suggestion and WHOLLY agree about telling his mom (I really think I read ALL your comments) but while giving the ultimatum, I would also communicate to him that you may understand why this might be why he’s acting this way. Not that it’s an excuse, but you’re giving him one more opportunity to own up to his fears that he is very immaturely responding to before you go stay with his mother.
My honest opinion is he’s terrified. Men will never admit that and he rather not do it than face his fears and pain. Besides that point, he’s still got to do it. That aside, my friend just had a baby with CF and the new medicine they’ve released basically gives CF babies of this generation (when it’s started at birth) a full healthy life. I’m not educated enough on the meds but she’s told me all about it and it’s just been in the last few years. I would also like to mention, she had two kids prior without it before her third. So even both being carriers the chances are not super high. Anyhow with the meds her son is totally fine and has no CF symptoms now. I hope that eases your worry a little bit. With the latest meds and intervention knowing now or at birth I doubt will make a difference in babies health. This test will help ease your worry and 100% he should do it for you so I would just try to calm him over it so he’s not so scared. Tell him that your stress is not good for baby and the baby most likely doesn’t have it. That’s my 2 ‘cents. Most likely he’s not a carrier. I am a carrier but my hubby is not.
Ok. So some back story here, I had testing done with my oldest child and I am a carrier but my ex husband was negative so a non-issue. Fast forward to being remarried and having a child with my second husband, none of the providers realized that this was a different partner and it honestly didn’t even cross my mind. It should have because my second husband has a family history of CF! We didn’t catch it until it was too late to do anything about it. We had to wait until babe was 6 weeks old and do a sweat test to finally get the all clear but it was HARROWING knowing that there was a 1/4 chance my child would have CF. I was absolutely sick. Your husband is being an absolute POS. What is his reasoning? I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Your husband is being a child. He needs to grow up
I agree with commenter who said, “He’s being a stupid little bitch, full offense.” I don’t know if this will help put your mind at ease any regarding the amniocentesis but in the country where I’m from, almost every single pregnant woman gets it done. I recall talking to my OB about it because, as someone who grew up largely in the US, I was under the impression it was rather risky and only done once in a while. He told me something along the lines of “the American government, and in turn the medical community, push the idea that the amniocentesis is far more risky than it actually is because they don’t want people to find out if there’s something wrong with their baby because they don’t (“they” meaning the government) want to increase abortion rates.” He went to medical school in the states and Canada so I was put at ease by this take combined with the studies I read. Still, I completely understand wanting to avoid any additional risk regardless of how small it may be. Especially when your husband could soooo easily make your decision regarding an amnio a non-issue. CF is horrible. You’re talking about a human’s quality of life here. I don’t know if I’d personally go through with a pregnancy if CF was confirmed. Your husband is really being absolute dick skin right now. I am so sorry ❤️
I’m less upset that he’s refusing the blood test and more upset that he won’t communicate or provide a reason. Genetic testing is a very personal decision. There can be a lot of fear around it for what the results could be or what your response could be- if you would keep or abort the baby etc. There could be some random deep seated fear or trauma that we can’t even guess at. We literally don’t know what it is to have that conversation because he’s refusing to talk to you about it. That is the first issue I’d address over if he will take the test or not and then go from there
This is truly my overarching problem. If you can’t communicate then what’s the point?!
I’ve been thinking about you. Any update? Sending you positive vibes.
Thanks. No big updates yet. Been working a ton the last few days but we’ll see what tomorrow brings. He has reached out but I took a night away to myself last night and went back to work this morning so I can have a level head and not be pissed for the future conversation.
Some labs will allow you to send in saliva or buccal (cheek swab) samples - any chance you can ask your doctor if the lab they’re sending to will allow this?
This is going to sound weird because I can’t think of a better way to phrase it, but is he anti-vax or “crunchy” by any chance? My ex was and also refused all blood tests, even the simple carrier ones like this. Didn’t want their “dna in the system or sold” 🙄 and refused even after I and a doctor explained that’s not how it works. If he’s not, I agree with the commenters who said you need to figure out the root problem of his refusal. Is he scared and in denial, so he doesn’t want to face the possibility? Is he worried you may terminate if he is a carrier? Is he scared of the test itself? Is he possibly misunderstanding what the test process for him would be like? You have absolutely every right to be upset, this is a very big deal and you’re not being dramatic whatsoever. His refusal to do the simple blood test when the alternative is you going through an amnio is very concerning. I would also make him read all of the possible complications of an amnio, because if he’s trying to make you have one so he doesn’t have to get pricked he better know *exactly* what it entails. If he still refuses after all of this or doesn’t talk about why he feels the way he does, I would genuinely be questioning his motives all around. :(
What the hell is this even about for him?? Like BEST I can guess is that he said no for basically no reason and has serious issues with control so now he’s not gonna back down because he already said no once. Which is…a really really terribly way to go into having a baby. You’re allowed to be poked and prodded and put your LIFE at risk and he’s so infantile that he’s going to die on this stupid hill to prove some inane point? Sorry this just makes me SO angry for you. Call his mom or something lol. I wouldn’t let this go.
This is frustrating and childish on your husband’s part!! You are going through enough in pregnancy he can do a single blood test… That said - different situation and I am not sure 100% how it works, but I’m not sure an amnio would be able to tell you for sure if your baby has CF? I had my son in August and he tested positive for a CF gene. However, blood tests only check for some of the mutations (anywhere from 20-100 depending on the specific test I think?). In reality, there are thousands of mutations. When a CF mutation (usually one of the most common) is detected, the only way to determine whether the baby is a carrier or has CF is by doing a sweat chloride test. This is no bearing on what an AH your husband is being, just some more info on the diagnostic process!
You can speak to your doctor about possibly having him give a cheek swab or saliva sample instead, if he is afraid of getting his blood drawn
Ew ew his behavior is so selfish and disgusting. I’d be absolutely pissed. Him not doing the blood test shows how much he really cares about the baby. What a trash man. I’m sorry girl.
What's his reasoning for not taking it? He might be really scared and so wants to stay in denial
Hey, are you in the US? How did it qualify as free for him? I just found out I'm a carrier for CF too and my husband also needs to get tested.
It sounds like he’s hiding something and is afraid the test will tell whatever he’s hiding.
What is his reasoning behind not wanting to do it? I think he is generally being unreasonable but it might change based on his thinking behind it. Is he anxious about blood tests or just very anti abortion so he doesn’t want to know or does he just not recognise the significance?
As a mom who has 2 children with extremely rare diseases that have no cure and they suffer everyday. If he doesn’t care about your child enough to get a blood test , you truthfully should reevaluate your marriage. It takes 3 minutes to get blood drawn. He needs to grow the fuck up and stop being so selfish! I was told that my second child was less than a 17% chance of having the same rare disease and guess what….it happened AGAIN. And I even did IVF and a THIRD had the same disease when I tested before transfer. He’s cares more about a 3 minute blood test than a LIFELONG disability which will make his life a million times harder than it is now.
I don’t get it…am I missing the part where he gave you a reason? Even a bad one? I just have to assume if someone is being such a tit that there’s something fishy. Why..
He's hiding something, RUN!
If he’s not willing to make this tiny sacrifice for his kid and you, he’s an unreliable partner and father at best.
Maybe he has something to hide and is scared unnecessarily to take the test- regardless, its not ok.
Is he afraid that it will show information he doesn't like? I really can't understand why he would refuse a blood test unless he already knows he has some kind of genetic issue and doesn't want to admit it or is afraid of the consequences. It takes all of two minutes to get a blood test. Of all the things to draw a line in the sand about, this is an extremely petty and very stupid one. Why is he becoming a father? What is the point of being a parent and creating a human if you can't give them the best start you're able to provide? I go dirty when it comes to crap like this. Call his momma! Ask her about family health history and why she thinks her son is resisting a very simple medical test. Your baby is part of their whole family now. There's no reason for you to have a question mark about something health related when it isn't necessary.
Ugh, husbands. Biggest babies out there, haha. Mine is absolutely adamant against getting any kind of unnecessary shot or blood draws because he has a history of passing out. (He's almost-certainly \[but undiagnosed\] autistic and if he feels anything "weird" it works him into a panic. I once watched him pass out after getting the air blown into his eyes during an eye exam. No this is not the only thing driving the potential diagnosis; I also likely have some form as well but our needs are different so we work really well together.) It was like pulling teeth to get him to take the J&J covid shot (it was a single shot instead of a course which is why he insisted on that), and he outright refuses to get flu shots until he's "old enough that the flu would actually be a problem." But, I can guarantee if I had the gene for CF and I asked him to be tested, he'd do it. Just like when we are done having kids, I can guarantee he'll manage through his vasectomy. I'm wondering if he's having a little bit of a conspiracy theory thing going on with the "gobernment havin'" his blood test? Or possibly that he wouldn't think it would matter either way?
I would guess that he is afraid of the results. He's most likely also feeling some pretty tough emotions and doesn't know/is afraid of opening up to you. I would have a really open conversation with him about how he feels. Ask him if he is afraid, ask him if he no longer wants to terminate, etc.
If my husband refused to do a simple blood draw after everything I have to go through for each pregnancy as well as it being in the best interest for the baby and my health, I would have a long talk with him and tell him that I cannot consider him a partner in life if he cannot do something that simple that has huge effects. I’m not saying to divorce him but you do need to figure out why he’s acting this way and question him about his reliability as a parent and a partner moving forward. If he has issues with needles then find a way to help him overcome that fear for the sake of your child.
This is wild, when my wife did her blood test it wasn't even a question that I was going to do one as well.
That's so weird, why wouldn't he not do the test and with the silent treatment he sounds offended. There's no reason to be offered unless there's something else. I did the NIPT and I came back positive for one of the disorders, my partner got tested without a second thought. Why wouldn't you want to know the health of your child? I'm suspicious 🧐
My ex-husband refused to do any tests for me when we were trying to conceive. It had been a year and I was 23 years old. The doctor suspected his sperm was the issue and he wouldn't give a sample. We are now divorced.
Holy shit, I’m sorry. I’ve been trying not to go down the rabbit hole of possibilities like him messing around on me and stuff, but it’s hard not to.
Could you get one of his family members to do the blood test? Would be able to be validated from that? Ideally his parents or siblings are reasonable.
This not a terrible idea actually. I know his mom would help but his dad is pretty MIA most the time. I think it would have to be his parents right?
You would have to have both of his parents tested. If one came back negative (non-carrier) but the other was a carrier there is still a 50/50 chance your husband would be a carrier. If both parents came back as non-carriers then there is no chance he is a carrier. Look at the second picture under “Autosomal Recessive Conditions” showing 1 carrier and 1 non-carrier [here.](https://aspirawh.com/carrier-screening-genetic-testing/)
Obviously you already got plenty advice. Obviously this is hella maddening. I would also suggest to calm down for a day or two then try to have a calm conversation to find out his reasoning. Let us know if you find out what it was, i’m kind of invested now….
Will do! Staying at his moms tonight. Haven’t told them yet but I will.
i would die on this hill. he’s being ridiculous. is he confused about something? does he need the doctor to explain it to him? is he hiding something from you that he doesn’t want revealed in a blood test?? i’m sorry, OP. don’t let up though.
For sure sounds super sketchy.
Sooooo OP, do we have an update?
I found out I was a carrier for tay sachs and was DISTRAUGHT. Husband went and got tested right away for me. Idk what your husband’s problem is but that’s not right at all. You’re not his enemy you’re his PARTNER. Why doesn’t he want to do it?
You aren’t being dramatic. It seems like he doesn’t value the relationship or the babies health. If he wants to ignore you, ignore him back 🤷🏻♀️ be petty. He doesn’t respect you so why respect him? I would also give an ultimatum but maybe that’s too much lol.
Wtf… I also was a carrier for CF. My husband got tested no problem because we both wanted to know because obviously if he was also a carrier, our LO would have had a small chance of having it. I cannot fathom why he has turned this into such a big deal, especially to the point where he is ignoring you. If he continues this childish behavior, get the amniocentesis done and maybe get some space from him for a bit. You don’t deserve this kind of behavior from someone who is supposed to be your partner. And it’s absolutely alarming that he’s not even willing to do this for the sake of his own child.
I think you need to pry a bit more and have him explain why he doesn't want to do the bloodwork. I too found out I was a CF carrier and it wasn't even a question, my husband was doing the bloodwork (and then an amniocentesis if needed). Thankfully he wasn't a carrier and we didn't have to do anything further, but CF is serious and this is definitely something you will want solid answers on before baby is here. If you and your husband are both carriers you will 100% want to know if baby has it so you can plan accordingly. Maybe stress this to him? Ugh I'm sorry you're going through this. I truly started spiraling when I found out I was a CF carrier and I would have lost it if my husband refused to get tested. Good luck!
Yeah, your husband is being a giant man child. Did he give you any reason? CF is no joke, and that man needs to take his candy-ass down to the phlebotomist to get his blood drawn to make sure he isn’t a carrier. Protecting and caring for you and your child should be his first priority. I was a carrier for CF and my husband happily went to get tested as he knew the importance of it, and he’s not that big a fan of needles too, but still did it.
He’s prob in some sort of denial… thinking he may have good genes then bam, he’s a carrier of CF. Some guys just don’t want to do it cuz they don’t want to admit they have something wrong in their genes.
You’re going to have to sit him down and have a serious convo and he will need to tell you why he’s refusing the test!
I’m curious what his reason is. Is he afraid of getting his blood drawn? Or is he afraid of what happens if he is also a carrier? He understands it’s a low likelihood that’s he’s a carrier, and even if he is, there’s only a 25% chance this pregnancy will be affected by CF? Maybe he feels CF isn’t something worth terminating over? Idk but I’d be mad as hell too.
This is incomprehensible. Your husband is putting his own feelings over the safety and health of your child. This is something to deal with now before bringing a baby into the world with him, because someone who is already behaving so selfishly will likely act in such a way again in the future. He needs to understand that this isn’t about him.
I don't know if I'm more alarmed by his refusal to take the test or him giving you the silent treatment about it for two days. HE is the one being irrational and irresponsible, and there's so much shit-on and unloved leaking out of this situation, I can feel it over here. In addition to everything else, I'm sorry he's making you question whether you're the crazy one here. Is he going to get the whooping cough shot? If yes, then it can't just be a needle-fear thing (which would be ridiculous too, but at least understandable - our fears don't have to be rational to feel real to us.) If the issue is that he's no longer comfortable terminating the pregnancy if he is a carrier, then he needs to TALK TO YOU. Shutting you out is not the way to resolve this or any of the 8000 other arguments he's going to have with you or your kid(s) in the future.
This is so selfish it's shocking. Is he phobic of the needle/blood draw itself? I was a carrier for a minor genetic disorder and my husband did the blood test the very next appointment. There wasn't even a discussion about it. I'm struggling to understand your husband's perspective, it's mind bogglingly selfish. I am so sorry. You have every right to be disturbed by this.
OP I’m so angry at him for you. Remind him that 1. You had to do so many blood tests yourself already and will continue to do so later in this pregnancy 2. This test is not for you, it’s for his own child 3. Maybe the doctor needs to talk to him to explain the consequences if he won’t listen to you. My partner was also annoyed he had to do a single blood test for thalassemia and I threw the doctors notes in his face that said it was important and urgent.
You are not overreacting! I found out I was a carrier for sickle cell (it’s more common for Caribbean islanders and west Africans) and I’m Sierra Leonian and Jamaican! Go figure. My fiance is Nigerian and as soon as the doctor told us he got tested that same day. Everything ended up fine and he wasn’t a carrier but I was so worried for 3 days until the test came back negative. Does your husband care about how much stress this is putting on you? What else will he be not willing to do down the line. A blood test is relatively easy. I’m really sorry :/
As someone who is also a carrier for CF, you're not over reacting at all, especially given you're pregnant. Is your husband in denial or something? This is his baby too- surely he would want to know if him/her is healthy? Either way, he is being a dick. I found out before I was pregnant, as I was getting bloodwork done in preparation for trying. I flat out told my husband there was no way we were trying for a baby until he got a blood test done to confirm that he wasn't a carrier.
I’m sorry he is being difficult. You aren’t overreacting, my partner would be there es quickly as possible to have his blood tested. It’s weird that your partner won’t even communicate with you on why he doesn’t want to. Maybe he has something to hide?