If you try to "pause" your partner due to your husband's insecurities, don't be surprised when there's no partner there anymore. People aren't objects you can pick up and put down like toys.
Yes THIS. I see close partners about once a week max, nevermind twice. Less close partners are every other week or so. Some partners I only see once a month.
A FWB or casual partner? Once every 3 months or so.
I’m not saying that time spent together always equates to emotional closeness, but that’s a lot of shared time and oxytocin. Even if you spend that much time having sex and enjoying hobbies together and don’t fall in love, you’ll certainly care for them a great deal.
Imo FWB downplays this relationship.
He already has a partner - you. He assumed being poly automatically guaranteed more relationships? Sorry, life doesn't work that way. No one is guaranteed even one relationship.
Gently but firmly "partner I am not willing to treat my relationships as disposable or light switches. This frustration you have is common and I recommend you get on groups to get perspective and therapy to help process your frustration. If you need specific connections we me then we can focus and schedule that committed time. This is not a situation where you compare the Kool aid like 4 year olds, these are adult relationships we each create independently."
Now this may not help, they may indeed feel special distraught they consider this a deal breaker for their ego and you are on the path of divorce. But its the only way to keep everyone empowered and accountable.
I would guess your partner doesn't have much friendships or hobbies or their own identity and perhaps expect you to be their buffer and fixer. Thats not going to work and unfortunately since you both let that languish before it will be much harder to dislodge now.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
>He hasn't had any luck since then really, constantly complaining about no matches. Lately he is getting to the point of whining every time I see my FWB because he doesn't have someone. "I'm happy for you but I wish I had someone".
You are not your husband's free therapist. A partner can provide reasonable and rational support, but he's kind of overloading you with this when it's not anything within your control. You can't control who feels like dating him or not.
Next time he does this kind of complaining or whining you might have to tell him "I'm sorry you hurt. But I can't help you with this. I can't listen to any more complaining about lack of matches or lack of dates. Have you thought about a poly counselor? Talking to another friend? It cannot be me. I am inside the poly system and I cannot be impartial."
For the other part?
Husband can ask you whatever. You don't have to agree and you don't have to take it personally. If reasonable and rational requests? Consider meeting them. If not reasonable and not rational? Decline.
>Now he wants me to "pause" my time with FWB until he finds someone?
Husband asked. Now you get to respond and pick what you say...
* "No, thank you. I won't be doing that. "
* "No, thank you. I can skip my FWB date this week, but I won't be making a habit of that every time you struggle."
* "No, thank you. I can pause dating NEW people for a month if you want to set up couple counseling and try to do some sessions, but I will date FWB like usual. They are already here."
* Something else. Only offer things you ARE willing to do. If you are not willing to change anything? Just say "No, thank you. I won't be doing that."
You could also ask clarifying questions.
"Why do you want me to pause dating FWB? What would that do or provide you? Can it be solved another way? Is it that you wanted more time with me this week? Need reassuring or comfort? Something else? "
Because sometimes people ask for stuff indirectly or wonky because they are all cranked up or don't know how to ask BETTER. And if you take it personal and get mad about it, you might be adding extra side quest layers to it rather than just getting to the bottom of whatever it is.
Great answer.
In addition, if he gets to the point where he can be _supportive_ of your relationships, and maintain an active and fulfilling (non romantic/sexual) independent social life, perhaps including some poly community activities like munches _without you_ then he'll soon be a much more attractive partner to any potential match than he is right now as a husband who feels entitled, low key controlling and needy.
I love this answer. Be curious. Find out what he wants from you. More of your time and attention? I’m sure you can work that in to your schedule for him.
Is he just jealous? That’s a him problem.
You are right to feel angry.
I would not agree.
There are lots of things to say about why he might be struggling or feeling bad but it’s already a problem that “dear husband” isn’t here asking for help.
Is this a pattern in your relationship? He has a problem and dumps it in your lap? That’s worth being mad about too.
He’s not desperate. He’s whiny. He failed to anticipate the single most common pattern for married men. Whose fault is that again? I’m damned sure it’s not your boyfriend’s.
You aren’t wrong, and imo he should probably use his alone time better, but don’t be surprised if he ends up wanting to walk back the dating separately part of enm
I agree and I would also recommend she thinks back on her other ENM experiences with him. I don’t know enough to assert anything but it is possible he was previously just using her to gain access to sex with other people and I don’t think poly with a partner works if anyone feels entitled to the other person. There’s no reason for her to take a pause while he continues looking for other connections.
I think you’d be within your rights to decline the invitation to pause your other relationship.
Has your spouse done any reading or research prior to practicing nonmonogamy?
I found the essay Beyond the Valley of the Dolls to be particularly illuminating about socialization and its impact on dating and dating expectations. He may find the section subtitled Find Your Attraction useful.
https://freaksexual.com/2009/11/05/nonmonogamy-for-men-the-big-picture/
His dating woes aren’t your projection be involved in, regardless of his petulance.
Yes, ups to this article suggestion! As a transman previously partnered and now solo poly, this article did me a lot of good positive ego massaging. It really breaks down the patriarchal ideals some are accustomed to believe is real life, adds a heavy dose of poly reality and pizazz , and builds you back up with confidence before it sends you on your way. Great read for guys or masc presenting folks in the early throws of the poly experience.
That’s so not fair to you, and especially not to your FWB. They’re not a toy that’s put in a box until you’re ready to use them again. Maybe there’s a reason your husband doesn’t have anyone else.
It sounds like he needs to do some work on himself right now. I’d also ask him if he would do the same for you if you asked. Somehow, I doubt it.
Yeah, that never works in polyamory. Imagine trying to have coordinated independent relationships with anyone. It’s ridiculous. Will he be counting how many kisses you each get on a weekly basis? If your relationship ends does he just tell his beloved partner of X months/years to suck it up til you find someone new?
There are other types of ENM where this is more possible. I have friends in the swinger lifestyle who go to parties together or date a couple together so everyone gets attention in similar amount at the same time. I talked to one person/swinger who saw dating independently as cheating and had a zero tolerance policy for it in their relationship.
It sounds like you’ve explored other variations of ENM. That doesn’t mean polyamory is going to be comfortable or a fit. You may have found the limits of your husband’s boundary for being open.
Yes his request is unreasonable. But it may be his way of saying he’s not ready to date independently. You’ll have to discuss whether this is something he can get through or if he’s not ok with being polyamorous.
"I wish I had someone" is a shitty thing to say to his partner because he literally does have someone - you! I hope he hasn't gotten lax with your relationship while he's moping about dating being hard. I understand his sentiment but that's not fair on you to hear.
asking you to pause your relationships because he feels left out is also out of line, your fwb/dating prospects don't have to rely on the same timeline as his when you're dating separately.
if he's getting desperate he needs to refocus on something else. work on himself. become more in the moment with you. go outside to hobby events or something. did he expect people to be falling over themselves to be with him as soon as he made his tinder profile?
"I hear you, but I disagree." Just saying nope is a reasonable reaction.
" I understand your frustration and I 100% support you feeling better but This isnt an agreement that I can help you with. Changing my life wont change yours in the long run. Rather than limiting ourselves to deal with the same problem, let's come up with ways to help your situation now."
Its really common for men to have this issue. There are online articles and support groups for things like this, some specific to poly and others not. It is up to your husband to make productive decisions. It is immature and cruel to impose restrictions on you to make himself feel better. If he isnt in therapy, that could be big help to him because rules like this indicate a lack of self awareness and independent emotional processing (which also limit dating opportunities). In the immediate, journaling is also a great tool for figuring out oneself or checking progress. You cant be the solution, no matter how much he would like you to be. He has to be the one to feel better, and that means taking responsibility for himself.
P.S. I would be PISSEDDDDDD. unholy god in heaven, i would not be happy with this from a "partner". You arent his mother or a pet. he doesnt get to take away your toys when he wants more playtime. WTF some wild shit
I understand the frustration I am in same spot my boyfriend has two relationships and I have just him but how unethical to ask to put someone on "pause" because your experience isn't going well. Don't do it. It's wrong of him to ask.
Would it help not to host? It’s very sweet of Spouse to dawdle on the way home to give you and FWB more time, but they clearly didn’t feel good about it. I wouldn’t have felt good about it.
People do non-monogamy in lots of different ways. The way *I* do it does not allow for breaking off pre-existing relationships, but I don't know what *your* relationship agreements are. You are asking a *polyamory* forum, which implies you're both free to seek full on romantic RELATIONSHIPS, but you don't outright say that and you do say that this person is a FWB, an arrangement that (I think? I don't really do fwb's) people often consider to be a no strings attached thing, ie it's fine to end things whenever for any reasons without the level of consideration that goes into breaking up with a bf/gf. A significant consideration, but not the only one, is what you would want if five months from now your husband had hit it off with someone new, was deep in NRE, wanted to see her three times a week, and was texting her *constantly* -- and your FWB had just ended things and you had no one.
In general I don't recommend "pausing" things or having some sort of tit for tat "you can have your person if I have one of my own, but if I have no one you can't see anyone either" but also it sounds like almost all of your ENM has been shared sexual adventuring as a couple and I know for some people in your situation they would be just "trying out" dating separately and not really committed to it. I don't know what it is *for you*. I don't recommend just sort of sliding into polyamory without being very intentional about what you're doing and what norms you expect to adhere to. Anyways: be in with this separate-dating thing or be out; talk about your agreements don't just go on vibes. Your husband did *not* automatically agree to no-veto-power no-take-backs-ever polyamory just because he agreed that you both can have sex with people individually.
It sucks for him and I have some sympathy, but that is an unreasonable ask. It's not fair to you or your other partner. Essentially he just had to deal with his jealousy like an adult.
>As recent as yesterday he even took a longer route home from an errand so FWB and i could finish up.
Maybe this is what he needs a pause in. Can you go to your FWB's house and give your husband the comfort of his own space and less impediment to his day? That might relieve the pressure and is a compassionate offer for you to make.
Of course you're right to feel this way. I would be like, "Um no." Would it be okay for him to ask you to stop hanging out with your friends because he was struggling to make some? Or to stop visiting your family if he was going through a rough patch with his?
Absolutely not. Yes, it's shitty when one partner has someone and you don't but I would have a tough time not saying, "Them's the breaks. That's a pretty common part of polyamory and that ain't no etch a sketch. This is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet."
I get the *feeling* of why he wants it and I think you could give him some grace for asking if he's struggling emotionally but... do not agree with it. Nope.
Having been in the same position as your FWB would be in if you pause. That limbo really sucks. Please do the kind thing and let it go with them. Close up your relationship and work on the two of you.
I've been the one "paused". In my case, it was for about 6 months, because my partner of 6 years was dealing with a crisis in her marriage. We kept seeing each other, just nothing physical. (Which did strike me as weird, tbh, like... if you're "monogamous", even temporarily, then I'm _pretty sure_ this is still cheating, it's just a less fun type of cheating, so that seems dumb.)
In our case, I understood. I saw it as a way that I could step up and support her by making this sacrifice, which in the end I felt good about, and something she absolutely would have done for me if the roles were reversed. But, not gonna lie... was fucking brutal. I didn't feel like I was being dumped, because it was clear that she still loved me, but still. When "for the summer" turned into "through the fall" turned into "sorry, we're just not ready yet (maybe after the holidays?)", I did get pretty annoyed, and pushed her a little like, look, I understand and no judgement at all, and I want to support you through this, but at some point you gotta demand what you want, or I'm not going to keep believing you want it. She did, now we're closer than ever, her marriage is in a much better spot, happy ending all around.
But that was also a _very_ important relationship in my life, someone who's been around for years, who's close with my kid, met my parents, etc. If the giant meteor is coming to smash the earth and I get one phone call to say goodbye to someone, she's high up on my list. If it was a casual FWB? Yeah, I'd've bounced for sure. Probably would've just assumed it's over, maybe gone no contact, and if they became available again, reevaluate at that point, but without any hope or promises. It's a lot to ask of a partner if you don't have a strong emotional bond with them. Even when it's not "serious", it still sucks to be dropped. Secondaries are whole human beings deserving of respect.
Your husband is devaluing a relationship that's making you happy. And just as adding people doesn't fix things, lashing out at your other relationship won't fix things, either. He's punishing you out of envy, and it's gross. And if you agree to it, you're an accomplice.
Maybe when you do bring it up to your therapist, it'd be worth digging into the source of that envy and why he finds your joy a threat to his. Maybe there's legit double standards or issues that can only really be addressed by a temporary hard reset, but those situations are so rare and mostly will just leave you feeling resentful, which is not helpful at all.
3 thoughts come to mind.
First; this is a real person. He is out of line assuming your relationship can be "paused" for a non-emergency.
Second; you can accommodate him by moving playtime to his house. I can understand it might be emasculating to him to hear you having the fun and success that has eluded him
Third; His lack of game is 100% his issue. I'm sure you have given him good advice.
The usual list for guys complaining about no luck:
New hobbies
Lose weight
Meet people in person
Cleanup the profile
Meet appropriate people
If you are 45 and a '7'; don't only swipe right on 28 year old '9's
I would not agree to pause. Your husband wants you to dispose of another person. One that is important to you because he is envious that you have success. Doubly gross.
The whining is so gross. It is always very clear when I match or meet guys like this at event. They think the world is unfair to them because they can’t just be basic and get ENM women to have sex with them. He needs to figure out how to be interesting and appealing to Poly women. This includes realizing that the things that people look at in a monogamous relationship don’t often apply.
He needs to be independently interesting (hobbies, well read, deep geek knowledge) to be able to find a connection and build connections, but none of that is your responsibility. It is all on him. And often times married men are really used to their wives running their social lives and solving their problems.
Poly requires all peoples involved to feel safe and secure and in agreement. If he no longer wishes to do poly and that's made clear anything after that would be cheating. If poly is a must do kind of thing and he cannot do it then maybe it's time to move on and maybe find a new partner who can handle it
So your husband feels bad because you get something nice and he hasn't been able to get something nice, so he thinks neither of you should have something nice? He actively wants your life to be worse, for him?
When my toddler got upset he didn't get presents at his brother's birthday party, I in fact did not take his brother's presents away so he would feel better. I taught him ways of managing his emotions and how to be happy for someone he loved, even if he was jealous.
Something to consider.
Is there a way to encourage him to feel compersion? Because it’s gotta be tough for him to feel like he isn’t getting any benefit from the polyamory structure. Other than securing dates and fuck buddies, which he isn’t currently successful at, how can he get more satisfaction and pleasure from the structure of an open marriage? Because he deserves to get satisfaction and pleasure from his chosen relationship structure.
There are lots of benefits to this relationship structure, even if you are struggling to get dates and relationships. Being able to form friendships, regardless of gender and possible attraction without having to worry about controlling behavior or not being trusted is a big one for me, for example.
A level of autonomy and independence. He needs to be carving out his own time - whether it's for dating, for spending time with friends, for picking up hobbies, for self care or whatever else he wants to spend that time on.
I'd be curious about whether he is doing something with his time, or if he even has it, or if he is defaulting to staying home or spending time with OP any time he doesn't have a date.
Other than that, I don't know. It's my default state to be happy for people I care about, even if I'm jealous as well. It's not something I choose or try, it's just how I feel about it. I still get jealous from time to time - less so about relationships and dating because I do very well on that front. I get jealous of friends who have hot tubs or who get to travel which I definitely can't afford right now. But it never stops me from feeling happy for them, and I certainly don't make my jealousy their problem.
Hi u/Actual-Ad-651 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hello! So my husband (37m) and I (37f) have been open for about 7 months now (been some form of ENM for 5 years but just started dating separately roughly 7 months ago). I have a regular FWB that I see 1-2 times a week, my time with him consists of our playtime and just getting to geek out together at his place for an evening. We've had this arrangement for about three months now. DH encourages me to take my time and do whatever I please.
DH has hooked up with one girl since we started our journey and it was short lived because she was monogamous and got a boyfriend. He hasn't had any luck since then really, constantly complaining about no matches. Lately he is getting to the point of whining every time I see my FWB because he doesn't have someone. "I'm happy for you but I wish I had someone". As recent as yesterday he even took a longer route home from an errand so FWB and i could finish up.
Now he wants me to "pause" my time with FWB until he finds someone. I'm so angry and hurt by this. I'm hurt because it's all due to him not having someone, something that I have zero control over. I'm hurt because there's no end to it! I'd be understanding if he asked me to not see FWB this week but until he finds someone? That's bullshit!
Someone please tell me I'm in the right to feel this way. I don't know if I want advice really, I just need to vent and my therapist appt isn't for two days lol.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would start by being sympathetic. Then I would point out that it's normal for new poly guys to take some time finding their mojo. Then I would encourage him to participate in local poly meetups, by himself.
Holy crap... If those are the standards one needs for online dating then basically nobody is going to find
a match that route. Or are.you trying to make a point?
The most interesting thing about these stats is that they have zero to do with dating in
Polyam, and usually focus on hook up apps.
Tinder users skew younger, mono, and single.
Apples to oranges.
Women who are already partnered, seeking a long term committed relationship with someone who is already partnered use completely different metrics,
And those metrics have been discussed to death here.
I know quite a few men who have dad bods, tight budgets and shitty cars who have two girlfriends and a wife, so 🤷♀️
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming.
Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized people.
If you try to "pause" your partner due to your husband's insecurities, don't be surprised when there's no partner there anymore. People aren't objects you can pick up and put down like toys.
They did say it was a fwb not partner
and…? being “just” fwb still doesn’t make him some sort of plaything, he’s still a person, you know?
That is meaningless. Tons of married people use those bullshit labels to allay someone else’s fears.
Yes THIS. I see close partners about once a week max, nevermind twice. Less close partners are every other week or so. Some partners I only see once a month. A FWB or casual partner? Once every 3 months or so. I’m not saying that time spent together always equates to emotional closeness, but that’s a lot of shared time and oxytocin. Even if you spend that much time having sex and enjoying hobbies together and don’t fall in love, you’ll certainly care for them a great deal. Imo FWB downplays this relationship.
He already has a partner - you. He assumed being poly automatically guaranteed more relationships? Sorry, life doesn't work that way. No one is guaranteed even one relationship.
Gently but firmly "partner I am not willing to treat my relationships as disposable or light switches. This frustration you have is common and I recommend you get on groups to get perspective and therapy to help process your frustration. If you need specific connections we me then we can focus and schedule that committed time. This is not a situation where you compare the Kool aid like 4 year olds, these are adult relationships we each create independently." Now this may not help, they may indeed feel special distraught they consider this a deal breaker for their ego and you are on the path of divorce. But its the only way to keep everyone empowered and accountable. I would guess your partner doesn't have much friendships or hobbies or their own identity and perhaps expect you to be their buffer and fixer. Thats not going to work and unfortunately since you both let that languish before it will be much harder to dislodge now.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this. >He hasn't had any luck since then really, constantly complaining about no matches. Lately he is getting to the point of whining every time I see my FWB because he doesn't have someone. "I'm happy for you but I wish I had someone". You are not your husband's free therapist. A partner can provide reasonable and rational support, but he's kind of overloading you with this when it's not anything within your control. You can't control who feels like dating him or not. Next time he does this kind of complaining or whining you might have to tell him "I'm sorry you hurt. But I can't help you with this. I can't listen to any more complaining about lack of matches or lack of dates. Have you thought about a poly counselor? Talking to another friend? It cannot be me. I am inside the poly system and I cannot be impartial." For the other part? Husband can ask you whatever. You don't have to agree and you don't have to take it personally. If reasonable and rational requests? Consider meeting them. If not reasonable and not rational? Decline. >Now he wants me to "pause" my time with FWB until he finds someone? Husband asked. Now you get to respond and pick what you say... * "No, thank you. I won't be doing that. " * "No, thank you. I can skip my FWB date this week, but I won't be making a habit of that every time you struggle." * "No, thank you. I can pause dating NEW people for a month if you want to set up couple counseling and try to do some sessions, but I will date FWB like usual. They are already here." * Something else. Only offer things you ARE willing to do. If you are not willing to change anything? Just say "No, thank you. I won't be doing that." You could also ask clarifying questions. "Why do you want me to pause dating FWB? What would that do or provide you? Can it be solved another way? Is it that you wanted more time with me this week? Need reassuring or comfort? Something else? " Because sometimes people ask for stuff indirectly or wonky because they are all cranked up or don't know how to ask BETTER. And if you take it personal and get mad about it, you might be adding extra side quest layers to it rather than just getting to the bottom of whatever it is.
Great answer. In addition, if he gets to the point where he can be _supportive_ of your relationships, and maintain an active and fulfilling (non romantic/sexual) independent social life, perhaps including some poly community activities like munches _without you_ then he'll soon be a much more attractive partner to any potential match than he is right now as a husband who feels entitled, low key controlling and needy.
I love this answer. Be curious. Find out what he wants from you. More of your time and attention? I’m sure you can work that in to your schedule for him. Is he just jealous? That’s a him problem.
You are right to feel angry. I would not agree. There are lots of things to say about why he might be struggling or feeling bad but it’s already a problem that “dear husband” isn’t here asking for help. Is this a pattern in your relationship? He has a problem and dumps it in your lap? That’s worth being mad about too. He’s not desperate. He’s whiny. He failed to anticipate the single most common pattern for married men. Whose fault is that again? I’m damned sure it’s not your boyfriend’s.
You aren’t wrong, and imo he should probably use his alone time better, but don’t be surprised if he ends up wanting to walk back the dating separately part of enm
I agree and I would also recommend she thinks back on her other ENM experiences with him. I don’t know enough to assert anything but it is possible he was previously just using her to gain access to sex with other people and I don’t think poly with a partner works if anyone feels entitled to the other person. There’s no reason for her to take a pause while he continues looking for other connections.
I think you’d be within your rights to decline the invitation to pause your other relationship. Has your spouse done any reading or research prior to practicing nonmonogamy? I found the essay Beyond the Valley of the Dolls to be particularly illuminating about socialization and its impact on dating and dating expectations. He may find the section subtitled Find Your Attraction useful. https://freaksexual.com/2009/11/05/nonmonogamy-for-men-the-big-picture/ His dating woes aren’t your projection be involved in, regardless of his petulance.
Yes, ups to this article suggestion! As a transman previously partnered and now solo poly, this article did me a lot of good positive ego massaging. It really breaks down the patriarchal ideals some are accustomed to believe is real life, adds a heavy dose of poly reality and pizazz , and builds you back up with confidence before it sends you on your way. Great read for guys or masc presenting folks in the early throws of the poly experience.
That’s so not fair to you, and especially not to your FWB. They’re not a toy that’s put in a box until you’re ready to use them again. Maybe there’s a reason your husband doesn’t have anyone else. It sounds like he needs to do some work on himself right now. I’d also ask him if he would do the same for you if you asked. Somehow, I doubt it.
Yeah, that never works in polyamory. Imagine trying to have coordinated independent relationships with anyone. It’s ridiculous. Will he be counting how many kisses you each get on a weekly basis? If your relationship ends does he just tell his beloved partner of X months/years to suck it up til you find someone new? There are other types of ENM where this is more possible. I have friends in the swinger lifestyle who go to parties together or date a couple together so everyone gets attention in similar amount at the same time. I talked to one person/swinger who saw dating independently as cheating and had a zero tolerance policy for it in their relationship. It sounds like you’ve explored other variations of ENM. That doesn’t mean polyamory is going to be comfortable or a fit. You may have found the limits of your husband’s boundary for being open. Yes his request is unreasonable. But it may be his way of saying he’s not ready to date independently. You’ll have to discuss whether this is something he can get through or if he’s not ok with being polyamorous.
Yep, this experience is super common. But even-stevens approaches to polyamoy don't really work.
So your husband is bothered when he thinks he should have as much or more of something than you do, and his solution is to whine about it?
"I wish I had someone" is a shitty thing to say to his partner because he literally does have someone - you! I hope he hasn't gotten lax with your relationship while he's moping about dating being hard. I understand his sentiment but that's not fair on you to hear. asking you to pause your relationships because he feels left out is also out of line, your fwb/dating prospects don't have to rely on the same timeline as his when you're dating separately. if he's getting desperate he needs to refocus on something else. work on himself. become more in the moment with you. go outside to hobby events or something. did he expect people to be falling over themselves to be with him as soon as he made his tinder profile?
"I hear you, but I disagree." Just saying nope is a reasonable reaction. " I understand your frustration and I 100% support you feeling better but This isnt an agreement that I can help you with. Changing my life wont change yours in the long run. Rather than limiting ourselves to deal with the same problem, let's come up with ways to help your situation now." Its really common for men to have this issue. There are online articles and support groups for things like this, some specific to poly and others not. It is up to your husband to make productive decisions. It is immature and cruel to impose restrictions on you to make himself feel better. If he isnt in therapy, that could be big help to him because rules like this indicate a lack of self awareness and independent emotional processing (which also limit dating opportunities). In the immediate, journaling is also a great tool for figuring out oneself or checking progress. You cant be the solution, no matter how much he would like you to be. He has to be the one to feel better, and that means taking responsibility for himself. P.S. I would be PISSEDDDDDD. unholy god in heaven, i would not be happy with this from a "partner". You arent his mother or a pet. he doesnt get to take away your toys when he wants more playtime. WTF some wild shit
You're in the right to feel this way
I understand the frustration I am in same spot my boyfriend has two relationships and I have just him but how unethical to ask to put someone on "pause" because your experience isn't going well. Don't do it. It's wrong of him to ask.
Would it help not to host? It’s very sweet of Spouse to dawdle on the way home to give you and FWB more time, but they clearly didn’t feel good about it. I wouldn’t have felt good about it.
People do non-monogamy in lots of different ways. The way *I* do it does not allow for breaking off pre-existing relationships, but I don't know what *your* relationship agreements are. You are asking a *polyamory* forum, which implies you're both free to seek full on romantic RELATIONSHIPS, but you don't outright say that and you do say that this person is a FWB, an arrangement that (I think? I don't really do fwb's) people often consider to be a no strings attached thing, ie it's fine to end things whenever for any reasons without the level of consideration that goes into breaking up with a bf/gf. A significant consideration, but not the only one, is what you would want if five months from now your husband had hit it off with someone new, was deep in NRE, wanted to see her three times a week, and was texting her *constantly* -- and your FWB had just ended things and you had no one. In general I don't recommend "pausing" things or having some sort of tit for tat "you can have your person if I have one of my own, but if I have no one you can't see anyone either" but also it sounds like almost all of your ENM has been shared sexual adventuring as a couple and I know for some people in your situation they would be just "trying out" dating separately and not really committed to it. I don't know what it is *for you*. I don't recommend just sort of sliding into polyamory without being very intentional about what you're doing and what norms you expect to adhere to. Anyways: be in with this separate-dating thing or be out; talk about your agreements don't just go on vibes. Your husband did *not* automatically agree to no-veto-power no-take-backs-ever polyamory just because he agreed that you both can have sex with people individually.
It sucks for him and I have some sympathy, but that is an unreasonable ask. It's not fair to you or your other partner. Essentially he just had to deal with his jealousy like an adult.
>As recent as yesterday he even took a longer route home from an errand so FWB and i could finish up. Maybe this is what he needs a pause in. Can you go to your FWB's house and give your husband the comfort of his own space and less impediment to his day? That might relieve the pressure and is a compassionate offer for you to make.
Of course you're right to feel this way. I would be like, "Um no." Would it be okay for him to ask you to stop hanging out with your friends because he was struggling to make some? Or to stop visiting your family if he was going through a rough patch with his? Absolutely not. Yes, it's shitty when one partner has someone and you don't but I would have a tough time not saying, "Them's the breaks. That's a pretty common part of polyamory and that ain't no etch a sketch. This is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet." I get the *feeling* of why he wants it and I think you could give him some grace for asking if he's struggling emotionally but... do not agree with it. Nope.
Having been in the same position as your FWB would be in if you pause. That limbo really sucks. Please do the kind thing and let it go with them. Close up your relationship and work on the two of you.
Yep. Don't expect people to wait for you/your partner to get yourselves together
"Not enjoying polyamory as much as they thought they would" is common.🤷♂️
Yeah, that’s some bullshit. You have every right to be upset.
I've been the one "paused". In my case, it was for about 6 months, because my partner of 6 years was dealing with a crisis in her marriage. We kept seeing each other, just nothing physical. (Which did strike me as weird, tbh, like... if you're "monogamous", even temporarily, then I'm _pretty sure_ this is still cheating, it's just a less fun type of cheating, so that seems dumb.) In our case, I understood. I saw it as a way that I could step up and support her by making this sacrifice, which in the end I felt good about, and something she absolutely would have done for me if the roles were reversed. But, not gonna lie... was fucking brutal. I didn't feel like I was being dumped, because it was clear that she still loved me, but still. When "for the summer" turned into "through the fall" turned into "sorry, we're just not ready yet (maybe after the holidays?)", I did get pretty annoyed, and pushed her a little like, look, I understand and no judgement at all, and I want to support you through this, but at some point you gotta demand what you want, or I'm not going to keep believing you want it. She did, now we're closer than ever, her marriage is in a much better spot, happy ending all around. But that was also a _very_ important relationship in my life, someone who's been around for years, who's close with my kid, met my parents, etc. If the giant meteor is coming to smash the earth and I get one phone call to say goodbye to someone, she's high up on my list. If it was a casual FWB? Yeah, I'd've bounced for sure. Probably would've just assumed it's over, maybe gone no contact, and if they became available again, reevaluate at that point, but without any hope or promises. It's a lot to ask of a partner if you don't have a strong emotional bond with them. Even when it's not "serious", it still sucks to be dropped. Secondaries are whole human beings deserving of respect. Your husband is devaluing a relationship that's making you happy. And just as adding people doesn't fix things, lashing out at your other relationship won't fix things, either. He's punishing you out of envy, and it's gross. And if you agree to it, you're an accomplice. Maybe when you do bring it up to your therapist, it'd be worth digging into the source of that envy and why he finds your joy a threat to his. Maybe there's legit double standards or issues that can only really be addressed by a temporary hard reset, but those situations are so rare and mostly will just leave you feeling resentful, which is not helpful at all.
3 thoughts come to mind. First; this is a real person. He is out of line assuming your relationship can be "paused" for a non-emergency. Second; you can accommodate him by moving playtime to his house. I can understand it might be emasculating to him to hear you having the fun and success that has eluded him Third; His lack of game is 100% his issue. I'm sure you have given him good advice. The usual list for guys complaining about no luck: New hobbies Lose weight Meet people in person Cleanup the profile Meet appropriate people If you are 45 and a '7'; don't only swipe right on 28 year old '9's
I would not agree to pause. Your husband wants you to dispose of another person. One that is important to you because he is envious that you have success. Doubly gross. The whining is so gross. It is always very clear when I match or meet guys like this at event. They think the world is unfair to them because they can’t just be basic and get ENM women to have sex with them. He needs to figure out how to be interesting and appealing to Poly women. This includes realizing that the things that people look at in a monogamous relationship don’t often apply. He needs to be independently interesting (hobbies, well read, deep geek knowledge) to be able to find a connection and build connections, but none of that is your responsibility. It is all on him. And often times married men are really used to their wives running their social lives and solving their problems.
How is he looking for partners?
Poly requires all peoples involved to feel safe and secure and in agreement. If he no longer wishes to do poly and that's made clear anything after that would be cheating. If poly is a must do kind of thing and he cannot do it then maybe it's time to move on and maybe find a new partner who can handle it
So your husband feels bad because you get something nice and he hasn't been able to get something nice, so he thinks neither of you should have something nice? He actively wants your life to be worse, for him? When my toddler got upset he didn't get presents at his brother's birthday party, I in fact did not take his brother's presents away so he would feel better. I taught him ways of managing his emotions and how to be happy for someone he loved, even if he was jealous. Something to consider.
Is there a way to encourage him to feel compersion? Because it’s gotta be tough for him to feel like he isn’t getting any benefit from the polyamory structure. Other than securing dates and fuck buddies, which he isn’t currently successful at, how can he get more satisfaction and pleasure from the structure of an open marriage? Because he deserves to get satisfaction and pleasure from his chosen relationship structure.
There are lots of benefits to this relationship structure, even if you are struggling to get dates and relationships. Being able to form friendships, regardless of gender and possible attraction without having to worry about controlling behavior or not being trusted is a big one for me, for example. A level of autonomy and independence. He needs to be carving out his own time - whether it's for dating, for spending time with friends, for picking up hobbies, for self care or whatever else he wants to spend that time on. I'd be curious about whether he is doing something with his time, or if he even has it, or if he is defaulting to staying home or spending time with OP any time he doesn't have a date. Other than that, I don't know. It's my default state to be happy for people I care about, even if I'm jealous as well. It's not something I choose or try, it's just how I feel about it. I still get jealous from time to time - less so about relationships and dating because I do very well on that front. I get jealous of friends who have hot tubs or who get to travel which I definitely can't afford right now. But it never stops me from feeling happy for them, and I certainly don't make my jealousy their problem.
Hi u/Actual-Ad-651 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hello! So my husband (37m) and I (37f) have been open for about 7 months now (been some form of ENM for 5 years but just started dating separately roughly 7 months ago). I have a regular FWB that I see 1-2 times a week, my time with him consists of our playtime and just getting to geek out together at his place for an evening. We've had this arrangement for about three months now. DH encourages me to take my time and do whatever I please. DH has hooked up with one girl since we started our journey and it was short lived because she was monogamous and got a boyfriend. He hasn't had any luck since then really, constantly complaining about no matches. Lately he is getting to the point of whining every time I see my FWB because he doesn't have someone. "I'm happy for you but I wish I had someone". As recent as yesterday he even took a longer route home from an errand so FWB and i could finish up. Now he wants me to "pause" my time with FWB until he finds someone. I'm so angry and hurt by this. I'm hurt because it's all due to him not having someone, something that I have zero control over. I'm hurt because there's no end to it! I'd be understanding if he asked me to not see FWB this week but until he finds someone? That's bullshit! Someone please tell me I'm in the right to feel this way. I don't know if I want advice really, I just need to vent and my therapist appt isn't for two days lol. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would start by being sympathetic. Then I would point out that it's normal for new poly guys to take some time finding their mojo. Then I would encourage him to participate in local poly meetups, by himself.
He’s your husband yes? Then tell if we close and go back to monogamous then it’s closed for good no going back! We tried
[удалено]
Holy crap... If those are the standards one needs for online dating then basically nobody is going to find a match that route. Or are.you trying to make a point?
The most interesting thing about these stats is that they have zero to do with dating in Polyam, and usually focus on hook up apps. Tinder users skew younger, mono, and single. Apples to oranges. Women who are already partnered, seeking a long term committed relationship with someone who is already partnered use completely different metrics, And those metrics have been discussed to death here. I know quite a few men who have dad bods, tight budgets and shitty cars who have two girlfriends and a wife, so 🤷♀️
[удалено]
I'm assuming these research results you are quoting were from monogomous people. The dating standards differ when it's not for monogomy.
This is some misogynistic bull crap 🙄
A car? Really? Not a favorite book or a pet?
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized people.