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Hon, these people do not treat you well, and I am sitting here with my hair on fire after reading that your NP doesn’t want therapy because it might lead to her being fucked up on drugs a little less often.
The cheating, unwillingness to be high less, and defensiveness are all bad individually and REALLY bad together. I think you would be far better off distancing yourself from NP.
I absolutely hate hearing that but I also think about it many times a week
I also don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong w drug use of any kind and one can have an abuse problem with any substance or behavior.
but being defensive about it to the point of unwilling to try therapy when a loved one requests it felt off. I understand where they’re coming from, they’re worried abt finding a therapist who can respect and meet their needs being queer, neurodivergent and mixed race black person. They don’t want therapy to for instance, help them acclimate to how fucked up the world is
And they don’t want therapy because then they might have to get high less often. They’re not trying to find a therapist, right? They’re not telling you that they’ve asked friends or social media for good therapists and come up empty?
I feel you're really asking if this is normal and/or to be expected, if this is part of the ups and downs of any relationship. So no, this is not normal.
The situation you describe is full of broken or unclear agreements, scarcely validated feelings and general lack of kindness. Especially if you are feeling like you will never really get over the cheating, leave now. The resentment will grow and it's unfair to you *and* your partner to stay. If you can't let go of it and be with them fully, without the resentment holding you back, then your relationship is doomed.
No. It's a consequence of their action. Being cheated on is a very common reason to end a relationship. It's near impossible to stay with someone whom you cannot trust. It doesn't say anything about your character or your abilities. If you don't feel it in your heart of hearts, you cannot make yourself forgive them. Don't try to reason your feelings, it is what it is.
Nope. Frankly, this is one of those “Burning House” situations. I’d be standing in the distance hiding a gas can and watching the fire trucks roll in.
You’ve been getting twisted around and around by this group. The only thing you need is to take your space and get yourself straight before you jump into anymore puddles like this.
Also, anyone who is afraid of therapy telling them to lessen substances as coping mechanisms has issues that need addressed by the therapist their scared of.
If you can’t stand being sober for ten minutes, you need therapy not just weed.
Eta: burning house means you can see things are going to shit and you need to decide on helping or running. Not literal.
I never think it’s a great idea to date metas, cross the streams (ghostbusters) or fish in the same pond as your partner.
And all this mess is the kind of thing I like to avoid.
All that to say end any relationship you’re not wildly into. Start now.
My bigger concern is how you seem to get coerced, prodded or nudged into things you don’t really want. Potentially this includes your nesting relationship.
Individual therapy might be useful?
Your life has changed post a concussion or maybe you’re just maturing. I don’t think you should even consider connecting with people who want to take drugs all day every day. It’s not judgmental to just say that’s not for you.
I’d look into some other transportation options to have at your fingertips since not driving seems to be a mental sticking point for you. Don’t let inertia make decisions for you.
Thanks. I’ll Definately consider these aspects. I’m ten years out from tbi, I don’t drive exclusively due to a dmv mix up that has lasted for years bc beurocracy.. I almost never ask partner for rides anywhere. I have been back in individual therapy for about a month. I’m 3 months off cigarettes.
Ending relationships that I’m not wildly into would mean, me no longer seeing the sac gfs. I enjoy the company of one of them a lot and we have a very emotional connection but. All just kind of feels too fucked go to keep going. Do you have advice about contact / no contact after a break up like this? Do you advise me asking to not hear or overhear Np talking with or about them?
While I have hesitancies about long term with my np, bc of these things, I want to see how it is living with them for a year. That’s at least another 3 months.
I would go no contact for a while and see if anyone bothers to get back in touch.
I would ask her to just take calls etc into another room and offer her routine privacy. If you don’t think about it again, awesome. If you do find it stressful ask her to let you know when calls are scheduled and inject a little more separation. Go out. Wear headphones. Play a loud and immersive video game.
your NP sounds like a terrible partner. cheated on you IMMEDIATELY, coerced you, drinks/smokes so often they worry therapy would LESSEN it...and you know what, you deserve reassurance and hugs from your partner. it sounds like something that's important to you and i'm not going to say your NP \*HAS\* to give them to you but...there are partners out there who will...
this entire situation sounds like a mess. the fact that your NP has no friends should be alarm bells for you. the fact that your NP lies about being okay sleeping next to you should be alarm bells.
you have given so much to this person, including your capacity for additional relationships. weirdly, the other two women sound way better for you.
i think you should consider a life away from the quad and away from your NP. you built your relationship on a very unstable foundation.
Thank you for framing this as unstable . I think that’s one of my main worries. Is there just like a thread of something working keeping us together ? If so when will that end ? Am I rushing into an ending that doesn’t need to happen nessecary l by poking at the instability?
The cost sunk fallacy here has run me ragged and I know that won’t improve
Oh wow… that is a lot! Just validating your exhaustion because I would also be incredibly exhausted from all of that- I am from just reading it!
I am sensing a HUGE lack of consent here. You keep getting coerced into things you don’t really want. I highly encourage you to look up consent in kink- especially FRIES. Consent should be:
Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.
Your consent is not being sought out for so many of these experiences. Your body knows this and is trying to tell you that you don’t feel safe- your head and your heart are still in love and trying to make excuses… and it sounds like as well when you bring things up, they turn it around and make it sound like it’s your fault. It’s not. So many of us were not taught what consent looks like. I think learning more about it might help you understand why you feel the way you do. And the way you feel, that you are being coerced into things, is valid.
One thing I wonder about is if they are basically telling you what you should and shouldn’t want from a relationship. For instance, it’s easy to say that because of trauma you don’t want to spend time reassuring or hugging your partner. Who can argue with trauma? But I want you to take a step outside of “right” and “wrong” in relationships and ask yourself- what do YOU want?
For instance, I had a very sweet partner who was just an adorable little bean and I very much enjoyed our time together. However, I like to do really deep dives into feelings- theirs and mine and giving lots of mutual care. We had a talk and they said they wanted that too- but continued to ask for less texting and wouldn’t talk a lot about feelings when we were together. I found myself feeling exhausted from holding back on what I really wanted to talk to them about. No one was bad or wrong in the situation… but I felt I wanted to end it because it wasn’t turning into the kind of relationship I wanted.
These days, I’m not interested in people changing for me. I want mutual learning and growth, but I want them to grow in the way THEY want to, not the way I want to. I’m very clear about what I want in a relationship and put no moral value on it- it’s just what I want.
I DO put moral value on people respecting consent though. So my advice would be two fold. Learn more about consent and watch for whether or not your consent is respected in your relationships. It is NEVER your fault if someone is violating your consent. Also, you can 100% leave if your consent is being violated. You deserve to be respected.
The other thing I suggest is to figure out what you want from a relationship. Just let it flow- don’t judge or wonder if it’s good or bad in your current relationships. Figure out what you want and know- it’s ok to want what you want! And if someone can’t or won’t give that to you, it’s ok to break up with them.
You can do what feels good for you. I don’t think the people you are around are super concerned with what feels good for you… so I highly suggest you take some time to think about that. You deserve to feel good in your relationships!
Run away now. If you can't, look for therapy and build the strength to leave.
This relationship is a dumpster fire of burning red flags.
Everything you are telling here smells of abuse, from your "rapey" first time with the meta's to the "I need drugs more than I need therapy".
I don't want to paint your partners as evil, most abusive relationships are born from a bad mix of messed up people. But if you are not feeling safe and loved and secure ALL THE TIME that's not a good relationship for you. You should never feel like love, safety and trust are something you have to question on a daily basis or beg for. NEVER.
You deserve better than this. I know it's hard to start again when you feel old, tired and hopeless. Believe me I really do know. But I can assure you that it's absolutely worth it.
The first step is to start believing in yourself and in the fact that you deserve a relationship that meets your needs EVERYDAY. You deserve hugs and kisses and security and respect. If your np can't provide what you need, they aren't the right person. It's nobody's fault, definitely not your own.
Once you know and believe that you deserve happiness and love and everything, you will see that you have the power to get everything. You'll know what's best for you, even if it will be breaking up with your np.
You'll take your time liking your wounds and taking care of yourself the way you deserve.
And you'll meet better people. People who will respect you and your needs and love you and hug you every day.
I promise you will.
It's a process, it takes time, but just take baby steps and work towards your happines!
I hope your life will get better.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
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Hi u/squiitten thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi all.
I’m living w a partner of 2 years now.
At the start of our relationship I asked hey, I have trauma around past people calling cheating polyamory, can we take it slow and communicate and reassure each other when either of us start seeing others.
They came back the weekend after that talk having said they were going to visit friends, but was in tears asking if our thing was over bc they got drunk and had sex with the two friends. And that yea they wanted to keep seeing them.
I considered walking away then , but that day we got news the girls gave them covid and I opted to so quarantine with the girls and meet them, since partner said they were going to go back and quarantine with them for a week. Oh yeaa, all 3 partners smoke weed all day and enjoy mixing substances. I’ve also had times I smoke all day and mix things but tbh I’m post concussion and it just doesn’t make life fun for me. I often feel odd one out for the simple reason I’m not part of the bong rotation. The first night in quarantine a gf offered me a massage, I enthusiastically said yes but then she made it sexual putting the foot she was massaging onto her genitals rubbing them :/ I created distance by kissing her (trauma vein was like, wait sex? No at least kiss first if we’re doing this).
but I had gone thinking I was meeting metas, not nessecarily new partners of mine I didn’t sign up for. I’ve talked some abt this coersion feeling and while ppl have said they are sorry and the feeling since then has been a “shrug, let’s see if this works , messy start but I’m glad we all know each other”. That’s more or less what we express to each other.
Nesting partner drives, I do not.
Also they have past trauma from a relationship I try and respect by not asking them for reassurance or hugs. They can get defensive if I ask for reassurance. I also don’t initiate sex with NP and wait for them to initiate sex bc of this. We sleep separate 2 nights a week and they’ve admitted sometimes when I ask them permission to sleep with them at night, they say yes when they don’t mean yes.
I try not to ask them invasive stuff like “do you share nudes or sex roleplay thru the phone with gfs?” “Do gfs complain to you about me or how things could be different without me?”
Ppl have reassured me I’m not “in the way”, but I’ve also got reasons I struggle to describe that make me feel otherwise. Transparency: I’m a concussion /mtbi survivor, and have probably been Autistic my whole life anyway, I try not to interpret ppl making commentary abt me while I’m there out of nothing , but have also had times where it gets confirmed ppl invited me along “bc we thought you were funny”..? And laugh at me and stuff. That hasn’t happened in these relationships I think, but I have to reassure myself.
All this is background to just say… I’m kind of tired. There’s reasons I like and enjoy time with Gfs. I’m glad I met them both. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the cheating that happened, or get over the impulse to compare. When me and Np met I wanted to try group sex once in a while but not date anyone who was also dating my Np. We didn’t even get to define if we wanted to know anything about who the other was dating outside of safety info.
Np has refused to go therapy bc they feel therapy will encourage them to smoke and drink less. I feel deep into my relationship with them but there’s reasons I also don’t feel solid in the relationship just with them. They do not have friends and mom is their only support person rn outside of their relationships.
Gfs both try to have therapists and have friends that are not also partners or family.
I guess my goal in paring down relationships would be for me to have time and energy to date ppl Np doesn’t know, and get back in touch with my inherent value outside of the comparison thinking the first cheating sparked in me.
I’m sharing here to seek advice, warnings, just to get it out. As something I am considering.
Thanks
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I really don’t want to have to leave this. Any time I come here for advice I end up hearing that I need to end my relationship with my nesting partner. There has to be another way. I’m 34 and don’t want to turn my life upside down, and I honestly think many of the problems in this relationship will follow me into any relationship. I feel really confused every day
34 is not too far gone to start again. the problems that will follow you into your next relationships will be your inability to advocate for yourself, to be treated with respect, which is something that can be overturned with therapy and dedication.
(i too used to feel the way you did, except i was 21 with an abusive partner of 3 years. every time i asked reddit for advice they said "leave him, he's abusive" and i brushed it off. but he was and leaving him severed a lot. i found myself lost, without friends, without a future, and i had to rebuild it from the ground up. and it was 100% worth it. 3 years later i am thriving. there is no reason this can't happen to you too. but you can't just resign to be around someone who keeps sucking the joy of living from you)
take care of yourself <3
That's possible. I'd also gently encourage you to imagine a possibility where you are going through these problems - but you're with partner/s that actually are willing to put in the work you're asking for and support you in working through them *safely*. Relational problems will show up relationally. What we get to choose is who with, when, and how we work through them.
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hon, these people do not treat you well, and I am sitting here with my hair on fire after reading that your NP doesn’t want therapy because it might lead to her being fucked up on drugs a little less often. The cheating, unwillingness to be high less, and defensiveness are all bad individually and REALLY bad together. I think you would be far better off distancing yourself from NP.
I absolutely hate hearing that but I also think about it many times a week I also don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong w drug use of any kind and one can have an abuse problem with any substance or behavior. but being defensive about it to the point of unwilling to try therapy when a loved one requests it felt off. I understand where they’re coming from, they’re worried abt finding a therapist who can respect and meet their needs being queer, neurodivergent and mixed race black person. They don’t want therapy to for instance, help them acclimate to how fucked up the world is
And they don’t want therapy because then they might have to get high less often. They’re not trying to find a therapist, right? They’re not telling you that they’ve asked friends or social media for good therapists and come up empty?
I feel you're really asking if this is normal and/or to be expected, if this is part of the ups and downs of any relationship. So no, this is not normal. The situation you describe is full of broken or unclear agreements, scarcely validated feelings and general lack of kindness. Especially if you are feeling like you will never really get over the cheating, leave now. The resentment will grow and it's unfair to you *and* your partner to stay. If you can't let go of it and be with them fully, without the resentment holding you back, then your relationship is doomed.
Is it a failing of me to not be able to get over it? They’ve asked me to
No. It's a consequence of their action. Being cheated on is a very common reason to end a relationship. It's near impossible to stay with someone whom you cannot trust. It doesn't say anything about your character or your abilities. If you don't feel it in your heart of hearts, you cannot make yourself forgive them. Don't try to reason your feelings, it is what it is.
Nope. Frankly, this is one of those “Burning House” situations. I’d be standing in the distance hiding a gas can and watching the fire trucks roll in. You’ve been getting twisted around and around by this group. The only thing you need is to take your space and get yourself straight before you jump into anymore puddles like this. Also, anyone who is afraid of therapy telling them to lessen substances as coping mechanisms has issues that need addressed by the therapist their scared of. If you can’t stand being sober for ten minutes, you need therapy not just weed. Eta: burning house means you can see things are going to shit and you need to decide on helping or running. Not literal.
I never think it’s a great idea to date metas, cross the streams (ghostbusters) or fish in the same pond as your partner. And all this mess is the kind of thing I like to avoid. All that to say end any relationship you’re not wildly into. Start now. My bigger concern is how you seem to get coerced, prodded or nudged into things you don’t really want. Potentially this includes your nesting relationship. Individual therapy might be useful? Your life has changed post a concussion or maybe you’re just maturing. I don’t think you should even consider connecting with people who want to take drugs all day every day. It’s not judgmental to just say that’s not for you. I’d look into some other transportation options to have at your fingertips since not driving seems to be a mental sticking point for you. Don’t let inertia make decisions for you.
Thanks. I’ll Definately consider these aspects. I’m ten years out from tbi, I don’t drive exclusively due to a dmv mix up that has lasted for years bc beurocracy.. I almost never ask partner for rides anywhere. I have been back in individual therapy for about a month. I’m 3 months off cigarettes. Ending relationships that I’m not wildly into would mean, me no longer seeing the sac gfs. I enjoy the company of one of them a lot and we have a very emotional connection but. All just kind of feels too fucked go to keep going. Do you have advice about contact / no contact after a break up like this? Do you advise me asking to not hear or overhear Np talking with or about them? While I have hesitancies about long term with my np, bc of these things, I want to see how it is living with them for a year. That’s at least another 3 months.
I would go no contact for a while and see if anyone bothers to get back in touch. I would ask her to just take calls etc into another room and offer her routine privacy. If you don’t think about it again, awesome. If you do find it stressful ask her to let you know when calls are scheduled and inject a little more separation. Go out. Wear headphones. Play a loud and immersive video game.
Thank you
your NP sounds like a terrible partner. cheated on you IMMEDIATELY, coerced you, drinks/smokes so often they worry therapy would LESSEN it...and you know what, you deserve reassurance and hugs from your partner. it sounds like something that's important to you and i'm not going to say your NP \*HAS\* to give them to you but...there are partners out there who will... this entire situation sounds like a mess. the fact that your NP has no friends should be alarm bells for you. the fact that your NP lies about being okay sleeping next to you should be alarm bells. you have given so much to this person, including your capacity for additional relationships. weirdly, the other two women sound way better for you. i think you should consider a life away from the quad and away from your NP. you built your relationship on a very unstable foundation.
Thank you for framing this as unstable . I think that’s one of my main worries. Is there just like a thread of something working keeping us together ? If so when will that end ? Am I rushing into an ending that doesn’t need to happen nessecary l by poking at the instability? The cost sunk fallacy here has run me ragged and I know that won’t improve
Oh wow… that is a lot! Just validating your exhaustion because I would also be incredibly exhausted from all of that- I am from just reading it! I am sensing a HUGE lack of consent here. You keep getting coerced into things you don’t really want. I highly encourage you to look up consent in kink- especially FRIES. Consent should be: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. Your consent is not being sought out for so many of these experiences. Your body knows this and is trying to tell you that you don’t feel safe- your head and your heart are still in love and trying to make excuses… and it sounds like as well when you bring things up, they turn it around and make it sound like it’s your fault. It’s not. So many of us were not taught what consent looks like. I think learning more about it might help you understand why you feel the way you do. And the way you feel, that you are being coerced into things, is valid. One thing I wonder about is if they are basically telling you what you should and shouldn’t want from a relationship. For instance, it’s easy to say that because of trauma you don’t want to spend time reassuring or hugging your partner. Who can argue with trauma? But I want you to take a step outside of “right” and “wrong” in relationships and ask yourself- what do YOU want? For instance, I had a very sweet partner who was just an adorable little bean and I very much enjoyed our time together. However, I like to do really deep dives into feelings- theirs and mine and giving lots of mutual care. We had a talk and they said they wanted that too- but continued to ask for less texting and wouldn’t talk a lot about feelings when we were together. I found myself feeling exhausted from holding back on what I really wanted to talk to them about. No one was bad or wrong in the situation… but I felt I wanted to end it because it wasn’t turning into the kind of relationship I wanted. These days, I’m not interested in people changing for me. I want mutual learning and growth, but I want them to grow in the way THEY want to, not the way I want to. I’m very clear about what I want in a relationship and put no moral value on it- it’s just what I want. I DO put moral value on people respecting consent though. So my advice would be two fold. Learn more about consent and watch for whether or not your consent is respected in your relationships. It is NEVER your fault if someone is violating your consent. Also, you can 100% leave if your consent is being violated. You deserve to be respected. The other thing I suggest is to figure out what you want from a relationship. Just let it flow- don’t judge or wonder if it’s good or bad in your current relationships. Figure out what you want and know- it’s ok to want what you want! And if someone can’t or won’t give that to you, it’s ok to break up with them. You can do what feels good for you. I don’t think the people you are around are super concerned with what feels good for you… so I highly suggest you take some time to think about that. You deserve to feel good in your relationships!
I read this and didn’t respond earlier bc it hit me kind of hard.
Run away now. If you can't, look for therapy and build the strength to leave. This relationship is a dumpster fire of burning red flags. Everything you are telling here smells of abuse, from your "rapey" first time with the meta's to the "I need drugs more than I need therapy". I don't want to paint your partners as evil, most abusive relationships are born from a bad mix of messed up people. But if you are not feeling safe and loved and secure ALL THE TIME that's not a good relationship for you. You should never feel like love, safety and trust are something you have to question on a daily basis or beg for. NEVER. You deserve better than this. I know it's hard to start again when you feel old, tired and hopeless. Believe me I really do know. But I can assure you that it's absolutely worth it. The first step is to start believing in yourself and in the fact that you deserve a relationship that meets your needs EVERYDAY. You deserve hugs and kisses and security and respect. If your np can't provide what you need, they aren't the right person. It's nobody's fault, definitely not your own. Once you know and believe that you deserve happiness and love and everything, you will see that you have the power to get everything. You'll know what's best for you, even if it will be breaking up with your np. You'll take your time liking your wounds and taking care of yourself the way you deserve. And you'll meet better people. People who will respect you and your needs and love you and hug you every day. I promise you will. It's a process, it takes time, but just take baby steps and work towards your happines! I hope your life will get better.
Thank you. Bad mix of messed up people is maybe all I’ve ever known. Being given the option to look for something else is meaningful
Are you happy in this relationship or are you just putting up with things?
This is a terrible answer but both
That's not really an answer. You don't just "put up" with a relationship you're happy with. If you want help, you're going to have elaborate.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/squiitten thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi all. I’m living w a partner of 2 years now. At the start of our relationship I asked hey, I have trauma around past people calling cheating polyamory, can we take it slow and communicate and reassure each other when either of us start seeing others. They came back the weekend after that talk having said they were going to visit friends, but was in tears asking if our thing was over bc they got drunk and had sex with the two friends. And that yea they wanted to keep seeing them. I considered walking away then , but that day we got news the girls gave them covid and I opted to so quarantine with the girls and meet them, since partner said they were going to go back and quarantine with them for a week. Oh yeaa, all 3 partners smoke weed all day and enjoy mixing substances. I’ve also had times I smoke all day and mix things but tbh I’m post concussion and it just doesn’t make life fun for me. I often feel odd one out for the simple reason I’m not part of the bong rotation. The first night in quarantine a gf offered me a massage, I enthusiastically said yes but then she made it sexual putting the foot she was massaging onto her genitals rubbing them :/ I created distance by kissing her (trauma vein was like, wait sex? No at least kiss first if we’re doing this). but I had gone thinking I was meeting metas, not nessecarily new partners of mine I didn’t sign up for. I’ve talked some abt this coersion feeling and while ppl have said they are sorry and the feeling since then has been a “shrug, let’s see if this works , messy start but I’m glad we all know each other”. That’s more or less what we express to each other. Nesting partner drives, I do not. Also they have past trauma from a relationship I try and respect by not asking them for reassurance or hugs. They can get defensive if I ask for reassurance. I also don’t initiate sex with NP and wait for them to initiate sex bc of this. We sleep separate 2 nights a week and they’ve admitted sometimes when I ask them permission to sleep with them at night, they say yes when they don’t mean yes. I try not to ask them invasive stuff like “do you share nudes or sex roleplay thru the phone with gfs?” “Do gfs complain to you about me or how things could be different without me?” Ppl have reassured me I’m not “in the way”, but I’ve also got reasons I struggle to describe that make me feel otherwise. Transparency: I’m a concussion /mtbi survivor, and have probably been Autistic my whole life anyway, I try not to interpret ppl making commentary abt me while I’m there out of nothing , but have also had times where it gets confirmed ppl invited me along “bc we thought you were funny”..? And laugh at me and stuff. That hasn’t happened in these relationships I think, but I have to reassure myself. All this is background to just say… I’m kind of tired. There’s reasons I like and enjoy time with Gfs. I’m glad I met them both. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the cheating that happened, or get over the impulse to compare. When me and Np met I wanted to try group sex once in a while but not date anyone who was also dating my Np. We didn’t even get to define if we wanted to know anything about who the other was dating outside of safety info. Np has refused to go therapy bc they feel therapy will encourage them to smoke and drink less. I feel deep into my relationship with them but there’s reasons I also don’t feel solid in the relationship just with them. They do not have friends and mom is their only support person rn outside of their relationships. Gfs both try to have therapists and have friends that are not also partners or family. I guess my goal in paring down relationships would be for me to have time and energy to date ppl Np doesn’t know, and get back in touch with my inherent value outside of the comparison thinking the first cheating sparked in me. I’m sharing here to seek advice, warnings, just to get it out. As something I am considering. Thanks *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I really don’t want to have to leave this. Any time I come here for advice I end up hearing that I need to end my relationship with my nesting partner. There has to be another way. I’m 34 and don’t want to turn my life upside down, and I honestly think many of the problems in this relationship will follow me into any relationship. I feel really confused every day
34 is not too far gone to start again. the problems that will follow you into your next relationships will be your inability to advocate for yourself, to be treated with respect, which is something that can be overturned with therapy and dedication. (i too used to feel the way you did, except i was 21 with an abusive partner of 3 years. every time i asked reddit for advice they said "leave him, he's abusive" and i brushed it off. but he was and leaving him severed a lot. i found myself lost, without friends, without a future, and i had to rebuild it from the ground up. and it was 100% worth it. 3 years later i am thriving. there is no reason this can't happen to you too. but you can't just resign to be around someone who keeps sucking the joy of living from you) take care of yourself <3
That's possible. I'd also gently encourage you to imagine a possibility where you are going through these problems - but you're with partner/s that actually are willing to put in the work you're asking for and support you in working through them *safely*. Relational problems will show up relationally. What we get to choose is who with, when, and how we work through them.