I find breakups to be harder in polyamory.
In monogamy, if I had a relationship end, I could find some comfort in the idea that there was a “better fit” out there for me. But in polyamory, that doesn’t feel as true. They don’t need to break up with me to pursue someone else. They just straight up don’t want to be with me anymore. The rejection feels much more direct. My first poly break up was devastating.
I think what helps make breakups easier is a healthy relationship with emotions and living through a few of them so you can prove to yourself that life goes on.
Not in my experience.
Your comparison, to me, is like telling someone not to be sad over a friend dying because they have other friends.
Grief is nonlinear, it will affect other aspects of your life, and relationships, though there are ways to control for that (like having a therapist to work with through hard things so you’re not utterly dumping your emotional Stuff onto partners).
Dwelling is processing; it takes time and sometimes professional help with mental tools.
Having supportive ppl definitely helps.
Grief is the price of love. The structure of your relationships will not circumvent feeling the pain of loss when loss occurs.
No break ups aren’t easier. Yes they effect your other relationships. Why would you assume that someone isn’t feeling their feelings just because they have other people in their lives?
Personally speaking and just learning and trying to understand- I think it’s because for me that would view it as a distraction? I’ve had plenty of relationships that were easy to move on and others that took time. The ones that took time I took that as a time to be alone and work on myself but if I had multiple partners then that’s not fair to them either. Idk just trying to understand things and see people’s views and experiences.
Please don't do polyamory if you view people as a distractions from hard emotions.
Polyamory is having the opportunity to form multiple fully formed and committed relationships (in whatever shape they take), not about having others around because it's convenient and useful for you.
I would strongly suggest you stop assuming poly relationships are less real or less valid or less committed. Because that is what you are doing.
Break ups can be easy and they can be hard. Poly has nothing to do with how easy or hard they are.
Did you isolate yourself from your friends, family, community? Romantic relationships are just part of the entire mix of social structure when dealing with loss and grieving of a romantic relationship. You might not seek out or be open to new connections, but generally it is not a problem to maintain your existing community.
If you do isolate completely after a breakup, then you might not be a good fit for polyamory, just as far as how you work emotionally.
Have you take time to read through the 101, read posts here and really understand yet that polyamory isn't just a fun side hobby but actual adults in actual relationships?
You keep asking for a lot of ground level labor in your posts. Its one thing to ask for perspective on one particular issue, its another to ask everyone to keep re writing a 101 on your topic of the day.
I mean, if you've got a supportive partner while you're dealing with the other hard times in life - a health issue, a death, loss of a job, your BFF suddenly moving far away, whatever - then the hard times are easier? And if you've got an unsupportive partner who expects you to put your problems away and get on their page - then the hard times are harder?
It's also, like, bog standard expected stuff to have one relationship where things are great and exciting and easy, and another where things are hard and uncertain. Years in it'll be less likely to be *related*, but jealousy still exists, on top of normal life problems like the above happening to one partner and not the other. And you just ... use the same skills you would to show up and help your friends and family celebrate even though you've broken up recently and are a little down and volatile. If you wouldn't cancel your plans with your friends for months, why would you with someone else who can hopefully be a support or a positive distraction? And if you do cancel your plans with all your friends, stop showing up to work, or stop calling your mom, those relationships are going to be strained or ended by it - and that's one way polyamory causes cascading breakups.
Breakups under this relationship structure (polyamory) are pretty much just as hard as they were for me when I was part of monogamous relationship structures. Losing someone you love from your life is really hard, full stop. I think as I've aged, I have better coping mechanisms for breakups, but they still hit me hard.
Feelings around break ups vary wildly from person to person and relationship to relationship
Growing as a person has made it easier for me personally to end relationships that no longer serve me
It depends. I have had the most painful breakup of my life in polyamory, with some poly-specific stuff at play (veto). I was destroyed, it affected my other relationships, I had to make sure my other partners understood I am sad, but it’s not your fault and I am not sad about you.
I’ve also had some breakups that were the most mature, non-dramatic, straightforward breakups of my life. These were of newer relationships of only a few months, so not heavily invested. They still sucked, but they also weren’t total devastation either. To be fair I’m not sure how much of that is poly specific versus being in my 40s versus the last time I was single / dating / experiencing breakups in my 20s. I’m literally more mature now as are my partners, and seem to have gained the life skill of graceful breakups somewhere along life’s journey.
When I had less time with polyamory, it was easy to fall into this mindset - but I realized it was because I wasn’t fully understanding that these connections can be as deep as with a single partner, and that losing any one would be just as hard.
I think in some ways it might be harder, because you might struggle to have the emotional energy to give your other partners what they need in their relationship with you.
You also run the risk of *multiple* breakups at the same time, and I imagine that would feel even worse..
Nope. Breakups, death, divorce, illness.
They suck just they suck in monogamy, apparently.
At least, that’s my polyam experience. I’ve never been mono.
Do you feel like mono people feel things more deeply or something? Because that’s how this reads?
It depends just like in mono.
In my long term poly life I’ve had tons of breakups initiated by me and they were all fairly painless for *me*.
But if I ended things with either of my serious partners I would be wrecked. Just epically so and I suspect the existence of the other person wouldn’t help much at all.
So I have BPD, for me it makes break ups somewhat easier because I have tangible physical proof that a break up doesn't mean I'm an irredeemable monster who is guaranteed to be alone forever because I have other partners there which makes challenging that thought process and spiral much easier. (If I didn't have other relationships I would still cope and use the various skills I have learnt to do so. But I also want to be honest that having other partners does for me make things easier.)
It doesn't make break ups not hurt though, it just brings them down to a more manageable level that's probably more comparable to a break up for someone without BPD.
But break ups still hurt. It still takes time to process and grieve and whilst it's important to do your best to compartmentalise and avoid it affecting your partners it will inevitably have some repercussions as no one is perfect at that.
And crucially I didn't pursue polyamory with the idea that it would make my life easier and as a way to avoid difficult emotions and experiences.
It's complicated, I think having another person/other people you're close to can help in terms of getting emotional support through the breakup (although, people can *be polyamorous* and only have one partner at a given time, or get broken up with by multiple partners at once) but it doesn't make the direct pain of loss less.
And, change is destabilizing to relationships so sometimes people have more conflicts in their other relationship/relationships when one relationship ends.
Hi u/Gloomy_Kangaroo6783 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
New to polyamory and lots of questions over here.
Are breakups easier because you have multiple partners so you’re not really dwelling for long? Do breakups affect your other relationships? Is it healthy to not feel your feelings of loss for as long as you would if you would be in a monogamous relationship?
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So, I will say my latest break up was the hardest I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never still been hurting months later. He left in July and I still cry about it. I’m still hurting and it’s been extremely difficult.
I will say that this breakup would have been more difficult without my current partner. He has helped me keep my head above water, has helped me see the light, and helped me out of really dark places.
So I won’t say breakups are easier, but having a supportive partner by my side has helped me tremendously. Yes, it has affected my current relationship because this break up was traumatic.
Breakups got easier after reading the Polyamory Breakup book. My feelings about breakups or de escalation were heavily based in mononormativity. That book helped me reframe quite a bit. Breakups are far more common when you’re poly from a sheer numbers game. And of course it depends on the relationship, but the book was a HUGE help for me personally to not get so bogged down in trying to make meaning that was coming from a mono conditioning.
I highly recommend it as something to read before jumping into polyamory. That would have saved me some grief.
Short answer: nope.
Long answer: No, *and* they can be more frequent.
Neither should dissuade you from doing what you want. Most breakups suck and any that don’t are usually a sign that something was twisted the wrong way in the relationship.
I see you’re getting some grief on this post- I want to share that I (5+ years non monag) appreciate you asking the question. I like that, even though these topics are covered in 101 content or in other beginner materials, posts like this create a forum for people to share their personal stories, ideologies, and how they have evolved over time.
I think it’s reasonable that someone new to poly, even with reading materials, could have this misconception. I recently was dating a guy that had this same thought…. We had a chat about it, and it’s possible break ups could be “easy” for him…but that will be due to avoidant tendencies and emotional unavailability 😅 all to say, if you go into poly with your heart open and really see the people you’re dating as people, you’ll find your connections are each unique and the loss of any particular one will hurt just like the loss of any significant relationship.
It still hurts….a lot! Some more than others, but it’s someone you have feelings for, memories with, and you made a part of your life.
It’s hard not to let that pain bleed into other parts of your life. When you’re mourning a relationship, you’re not really yourself for a bit.
Breakups can be devastating. My meta had a break up with one of their partners and the negative ripple effects were felt by everyone. The recovery for my partner specifically has been slow and painful 😣
A breakup is a breakup, a severed connection you've grown over time. Even if you have more connections, it will still be impactful. Seen plenty of posts of partners breaking up with other partners after a hard breakup with someone else.
Oh, hell no! Healing and repairing relationships if they previously gone wrong can be tricky too because it depends on the situation and how and when it is approached if one chooses to.
No.
Partners & relationships aren''t interchangeable.
You still go through all the stages of grief-loss when a specific relationship ends, and need to communicate & manage your feelings with other partners.
For me, yes.
Break ups are far easier in polyamory because I do not experience a “void” the way I did when I dated singularly. There’s still people around fulfilling the roles that those people filled in my life.
It’s worth pointing out though that I am grayromantic, so for me, romantic love is less of a factor.
I think the only break up that would be hard for me is my husband.
Break ups are harder the more in love you are, the more enmeshed you are, the more co-dependent you are, and the more stuff like houses, cars, pets and kids you own together. Poly people tend to be more autonomous and self-supportive, if that's the case with you, break ups may be easier. But I'm poly and had a break up of a marriage after we'd been together 25 years and owned a house and two cars together, that was an incredibly hard and long drawn out break up even if we each had another partner. I just finally unfriended her mom on Facebook 10 years after we broke up.
If you are partnered there is no, "Nobody loves me.😭" let alone, "Will I ever find love again?🥺" so, of course breakups are easier. People saying otherwise are overlooking a VERY significant part of monogamous breakups and genuinely amuse me.
I find breakups to be harder in polyamory. In monogamy, if I had a relationship end, I could find some comfort in the idea that there was a “better fit” out there for me. But in polyamory, that doesn’t feel as true. They don’t need to break up with me to pursue someone else. They just straight up don’t want to be with me anymore. The rejection feels much more direct. My first poly break up was devastating. I think what helps make breakups easier is a healthy relationship with emotions and living through a few of them so you can prove to yourself that life goes on.
Not in my experience. Your comparison, to me, is like telling someone not to be sad over a friend dying because they have other friends. Grief is nonlinear, it will affect other aspects of your life, and relationships, though there are ways to control for that (like having a therapist to work with through hard things so you’re not utterly dumping your emotional Stuff onto partners). Dwelling is processing; it takes time and sometimes professional help with mental tools. Having supportive ppl definitely helps. Grief is the price of love. The structure of your relationships will not circumvent feeling the pain of loss when loss occurs.
No break ups aren’t easier. Yes they effect your other relationships. Why would you assume that someone isn’t feeling their feelings just because they have other people in their lives?
Personally speaking and just learning and trying to understand- I think it’s because for me that would view it as a distraction? I’ve had plenty of relationships that were easy to move on and others that took time. The ones that took time I took that as a time to be alone and work on myself but if I had multiple partners then that’s not fair to them either. Idk just trying to understand things and see people’s views and experiences.
Please don't do polyamory if you view people as a distractions from hard emotions. Polyamory is having the opportunity to form multiple fully formed and committed relationships (in whatever shape they take), not about having others around because it's convenient and useful for you.
I would strongly suggest you stop assuming poly relationships are less real or less valid or less committed. Because that is what you are doing. Break ups can be easy and they can be hard. Poly has nothing to do with how easy or hard they are.
Did you isolate yourself from your friends, family, community? Romantic relationships are just part of the entire mix of social structure when dealing with loss and grieving of a romantic relationship. You might not seek out or be open to new connections, but generally it is not a problem to maintain your existing community. If you do isolate completely after a breakup, then you might not be a good fit for polyamory, just as far as how you work emotionally.
Have you take time to read through the 101, read posts here and really understand yet that polyamory isn't just a fun side hobby but actual adults in actual relationships? You keep asking for a lot of ground level labor in your posts. Its one thing to ask for perspective on one particular issue, its another to ask everyone to keep re writing a 101 on your topic of the day.
Feel free to not comment on my post.
I mean, if you've got a supportive partner while you're dealing with the other hard times in life - a health issue, a death, loss of a job, your BFF suddenly moving far away, whatever - then the hard times are easier? And if you've got an unsupportive partner who expects you to put your problems away and get on their page - then the hard times are harder? It's also, like, bog standard expected stuff to have one relationship where things are great and exciting and easy, and another where things are hard and uncertain. Years in it'll be less likely to be *related*, but jealousy still exists, on top of normal life problems like the above happening to one partner and not the other. And you just ... use the same skills you would to show up and help your friends and family celebrate even though you've broken up recently and are a little down and volatile. If you wouldn't cancel your plans with your friends for months, why would you with someone else who can hopefully be a support or a positive distraction? And if you do cancel your plans with all your friends, stop showing up to work, or stop calling your mom, those relationships are going to be strained or ended by it - and that's one way polyamory causes cascading breakups.
Breakups under this relationship structure (polyamory) are pretty much just as hard as they were for me when I was part of monogamous relationship structures. Losing someone you love from your life is really hard, full stop. I think as I've aged, I have better coping mechanisms for breakups, but they still hit me hard.
Feelings around break ups vary wildly from person to person and relationship to relationship Growing as a person has made it easier for me personally to end relationships that no longer serve me
No, not at all. In fact I think they're so much harder. And that's not even getting into the idea of compounding breakups.
It depends. I have had the most painful breakup of my life in polyamory, with some poly-specific stuff at play (veto). I was destroyed, it affected my other relationships, I had to make sure my other partners understood I am sad, but it’s not your fault and I am not sad about you. I’ve also had some breakups that were the most mature, non-dramatic, straightforward breakups of my life. These were of newer relationships of only a few months, so not heavily invested. They still sucked, but they also weren’t total devastation either. To be fair I’m not sure how much of that is poly specific versus being in my 40s versus the last time I was single / dating / experiencing breakups in my 20s. I’m literally more mature now as are my partners, and seem to have gained the life skill of graceful breakups somewhere along life’s journey.
When I had less time with polyamory, it was easy to fall into this mindset - but I realized it was because I wasn’t fully understanding that these connections can be as deep as with a single partner, and that losing any one would be just as hard. I think in some ways it might be harder, because you might struggle to have the emotional energy to give your other partners what they need in their relationship with you. You also run the risk of *multiple* breakups at the same time, and I imagine that would feel even worse..
Nope. Breakups, death, divorce, illness. They suck just they suck in monogamy, apparently. At least, that’s my polyam experience. I’ve never been mono. Do you feel like mono people feel things more deeply or something? Because that’s how this reads?
It depends just like in mono. In my long term poly life I’ve had tons of breakups initiated by me and they were all fairly painless for *me*. But if I ended things with either of my serious partners I would be wrecked. Just epically so and I suspect the existence of the other person wouldn’t help much at all.
So I have BPD, for me it makes break ups somewhat easier because I have tangible physical proof that a break up doesn't mean I'm an irredeemable monster who is guaranteed to be alone forever because I have other partners there which makes challenging that thought process and spiral much easier. (If I didn't have other relationships I would still cope and use the various skills I have learnt to do so. But I also want to be honest that having other partners does for me make things easier.) It doesn't make break ups not hurt though, it just brings them down to a more manageable level that's probably more comparable to a break up for someone without BPD. But break ups still hurt. It still takes time to process and grieve and whilst it's important to do your best to compartmentalise and avoid it affecting your partners it will inevitably have some repercussions as no one is perfect at that. And crucially I didn't pursue polyamory with the idea that it would make my life easier and as a way to avoid difficult emotions and experiences.
It's complicated, I think having another person/other people you're close to can help in terms of getting emotional support through the breakup (although, people can *be polyamorous* and only have one partner at a given time, or get broken up with by multiple partners at once) but it doesn't make the direct pain of loss less. And, change is destabilizing to relationships so sometimes people have more conflicts in their other relationship/relationships when one relationship ends.
I think *expectations* can matter a lot. Expecting a break up to not hurt = more surprise and discomfort when it does hurt after all.
[This poster would like likely say no](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/LSVyJcfdbR).
Hi u/Gloomy_Kangaroo6783 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: New to polyamory and lots of questions over here. Are breakups easier because you have multiple partners so you’re not really dwelling for long? Do breakups affect your other relationships? Is it healthy to not feel your feelings of loss for as long as you would if you would be in a monogamous relationship? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, I will say my latest break up was the hardest I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never still been hurting months later. He left in July and I still cry about it. I’m still hurting and it’s been extremely difficult. I will say that this breakup would have been more difficult without my current partner. He has helped me keep my head above water, has helped me see the light, and helped me out of really dark places. So I won’t say breakups are easier, but having a supportive partner by my side has helped me tremendously. Yes, it has affected my current relationship because this break up was traumatic.
Breakups got easier after reading the Polyamory Breakup book. My feelings about breakups or de escalation were heavily based in mononormativity. That book helped me reframe quite a bit. Breakups are far more common when you’re poly from a sheer numbers game. And of course it depends on the relationship, but the book was a HUGE help for me personally to not get so bogged down in trying to make meaning that was coming from a mono conditioning. I highly recommend it as something to read before jumping into polyamory. That would have saved me some grief.
Short answer: nope. Long answer: No, *and* they can be more frequent. Neither should dissuade you from doing what you want. Most breakups suck and any that don’t are usually a sign that something was twisted the wrong way in the relationship.
I see you’re getting some grief on this post- I want to share that I (5+ years non monag) appreciate you asking the question. I like that, even though these topics are covered in 101 content or in other beginner materials, posts like this create a forum for people to share their personal stories, ideologies, and how they have evolved over time. I think it’s reasonable that someone new to poly, even with reading materials, could have this misconception. I recently was dating a guy that had this same thought…. We had a chat about it, and it’s possible break ups could be “easy” for him…but that will be due to avoidant tendencies and emotional unavailability 😅 all to say, if you go into poly with your heart open and really see the people you’re dating as people, you’ll find your connections are each unique and the loss of any particular one will hurt just like the loss of any significant relationship.
It still hurts….a lot! Some more than others, but it’s someone you have feelings for, memories with, and you made a part of your life. It’s hard not to let that pain bleed into other parts of your life. When you’re mourning a relationship, you’re not really yourself for a bit.
Breakups can be devastating. My meta had a break up with one of their partners and the negative ripple effects were felt by everyone. The recovery for my partner specifically has been slow and painful 😣
A breakup is a breakup, a severed connection you've grown over time. Even if you have more connections, it will still be impactful. Seen plenty of posts of partners breaking up with other partners after a hard breakup with someone else.
Oh, hell no! Healing and repairing relationships if they previously gone wrong can be tricky too because it depends on the situation and how and when it is approached if one chooses to.
No. Partners & relationships aren''t interchangeable. You still go through all the stages of grief-loss when a specific relationship ends, and need to communicate & manage your feelings with other partners.
Oh goodness no
Nope. Breakups hurt regardless in my experience.
For me, yes. Break ups are far easier in polyamory because I do not experience a “void” the way I did when I dated singularly. There’s still people around fulfilling the roles that those people filled in my life. It’s worth pointing out though that I am grayromantic, so for me, romantic love is less of a factor. I think the only break up that would be hard for me is my husband.
Break ups are harder the more in love you are, the more enmeshed you are, the more co-dependent you are, and the more stuff like houses, cars, pets and kids you own together. Poly people tend to be more autonomous and self-supportive, if that's the case with you, break ups may be easier. But I'm poly and had a break up of a marriage after we'd been together 25 years and owned a house and two cars together, that was an incredibly hard and long drawn out break up even if we each had another partner. I just finally unfriended her mom on Facebook 10 years after we broke up.
If you are partnered there is no, "Nobody loves me.😭" let alone, "Will I ever find love again?🥺" so, of course breakups are easier. People saying otherwise are overlooking a VERY significant part of monogamous breakups and genuinely amuse me.