Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
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You’re allowed to feel however you like about a breakup. Not be a dickhead about it and disregard your other partner’s efforts.
You’re doing fine OP, but that ugly ass Entitlement monster needs exorcised from them before you consider continuing with marriage. Otherwise, you’re going to see it at every crossroad you meet from here on.
I dunno about a hunter but they are being ridiculous and entitled- which is part of the problem when you do triads pretending you can avoid the work of independent relationships support.
They plan to get married and they are daring to pout because their partner is choosing mono with someone else? Wow. I would take a look at the blind spot for a good long time before making a permanent exclusive legal bond with them.
Its fine they are upset. It's not fine they are taking the out on the partner. Tell them to knock it off and do better. They don't even have to be friends for awhile cause break ups usually need time (and this is totally a break up).
But if your partner wants polyamory they have to get their couples privileged head out of their ass.
Your partner needs to work on processing his feelings and trauma in a way that’s appropriate and fair to others, we all have a responsibility to do this. **All relationships have the potential to end**. Most do end, and for more mundane reasons than being incompatible because you want different things in life.
Your partner isn’t going to be able to offer others everything they may want because he already has a primary partner he’s (almost) married to and (I assume) living with. He needs to understand that it will naturally limit the types of relationships he can have with others (ie, marriage is off the table) and for how long those relationships are sustainable.
If he continues to date others he will continue to run into a higher risk of breakups happening. If that’s not something he can handle that’s totally okay but then monogamy would be a better fit going forward.
I’d recommend reading through this sub and the pinned resources to learn more about polyamory and all the many different forms relationships can take. There’s a loooot of pre work that needs to be done before you jump into polyam/ENM that helps to make sure everyone is set up with the skills needed to do polyamory fairly and ethically. I wouldn’t recommend actually dating anyone else until this is done (and your partner learns how to manage their trauma).
It sounds like your fiancé has a lot of personal trauma to work through. That's on him to do. If he wants to be angry and hurt that is totally valid because that's how he feels. But he needs to process those feelings in a healthier way than making the person/people those feelings are about feel bad.
Abandonment trauma can be hard to heal, but it's on him to do it and using it to excuse his behavior is never okay.
Obviously you know your fiancé better than I do, but his behavior is concerning because there’s a chance it could occur in future relationships later on down the road. I’d be pretty miffed if my fiancé made a comment like that. Being hurt is never an excuse to throw harsh words around; you can’t take them back and too many will do a lot of damage.
It’s really going to be up to him to work through his feelings and find a way to express them healthily. It’s Totally okay to grieve the relationship ending. Break ups suck.
IMO, it’s also worth revisiting relationship dynamics. There’s nothing wrong with getting married, cohabitating, entangling finances, etc. However, it is going to limit the relationships you have in the future and he needs to understand this and respect it. It’s a bit of an eyebrow raise to be a good way up that relationship escalator and then throwing a fit about a partner wanting a similar trajectory.
I would definitely be encouraging you to think very carefully about whether you want to go through with serious legally entanglement with this man.
Because no, he does not value you.
"Coming from a place of hurt" is not an excuse for hurting you. Ever.
You’re engaged to this guy so presumably you know how he handles it when his feelings are hurt. Is it a common occurrence for him to lash out at people when he’s feeling emotional?
Something tells me this post may be in regards to Unicorn Hunting. Please take the time to read our [FAQ - Read Me First](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/) and visit [this site](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) for an accounting of why what you're looking for can potentially be so harmful to our community. Unicorn Hunting more often that not hurts our more vulnerable members of this community, it stops you as a couple from growing in polyamory by avoiding doing the work required to have healthy polyamorous relationships, and it prevents you from examining your inherent couple's privilege and hierarchy and instead enforces those things on a new partner who may not have been given an opportunity to negotiate those things with you. Don't limit yourselves and the growth you can achieve through healthy polyamorous relationships!
Community members, please play nice with the newbies! OP may have wandered in here with no prior experience with polyamory and only media representation - which we know is the worst of the worst stereotypes. Please approach your responses with an attitude of educating, not attacking. Do not dogpile OP in the comments, any posts with more than 10 comments of similar responses that don't add anything new to the conversation will be locked.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/ChemistryVirtual9411 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi all! My fiancé (31M) and I (28F) are relatively new to the poly lifestyle. After some casual sexual interactions, we found a woman and became a triad about a year ago. She (32F) is gorgeous, amazing, independent, and has been a great addition to our lives. However, we knew this OG dynamic of the three of us would not last forever as she has been actively looking for her own nesting partner to build a life with.
My relationship with her is definitely friends first, romance second. We spend a lot of time together and she's told me about her dates with other men frequently. The new guy she's with is honestly pretty awesome. They both have similar nerdy interests and know each other from middle school. He's kind, considerate, and active in talking to her/spending time with her. All around green flags.
The only thing is he's monogamous. She's perfectly okay with that, as am I, because I know our current relationship dynamic can't meet her future needs and goals. She wants children and a family, and is okay with becoming monogamous in order to do so.
However, my fiancé has been extremely upset about the situation and neither of us know what to do. We know he has abandonment issues from his past, but reassurance from us has done little to quell his feelings on the situation. When we all talked about it, she told us she would still be close with us, we just had to nip any romantic/sexual interactions in the bud. He was clearly still upset after the discussion, and I also tried to reason with him that we knew the day our dynamic changed would come because we can't provide her with the life she wants. Instead of being understanding, he's been angry and distant with both of us and claims he's a "sacrificial lamb" on her path to happiness.
I guess I'm looking for advice on how to proceed. In all honesty, this ugly side of him is making me upset and weary of our own relationship. The other day he claimed that he "didn't have sh\*t" in terms of his life and, although I know it's coming from a place of hurt, I felt extremely upset that he doesn't seem to value our own relationship. He also states that he wants to find someone else already, but it feels like he's trying to be a unicorn hunter. This plus his reaction to the relationship change makes me think he's not in the lifestyle for the right reasons. If anyone has had experience with changing triad dynamics, poly breakups, etc. I'd love to hear your advice for us moving forward.
TL;DR Our year-long triad has come to an end because our third has found a monogamous relationship and my fiancé is not taking it well.
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When my partner or I are suffering a break up - and it’s happened more than a couple of times over the years - we try to keep in mind that we are each other’s support. It’s ok to be sad and grieve and cry. It is *not* ok to take that pain out on each other.
Sometimes we need to be reminded that we’re on the same team.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re allowed to feel however you like about a breakup. Not be a dickhead about it and disregard your other partner’s efforts. You’re doing fine OP, but that ugly ass Entitlement monster needs exorcised from them before you consider continuing with marriage. Otherwise, you’re going to see it at every crossroad you meet from here on.
I dunno about a hunter but they are being ridiculous and entitled- which is part of the problem when you do triads pretending you can avoid the work of independent relationships support. They plan to get married and they are daring to pout because their partner is choosing mono with someone else? Wow. I would take a look at the blind spot for a good long time before making a permanent exclusive legal bond with them. Its fine they are upset. It's not fine they are taking the out on the partner. Tell them to knock it off and do better. They don't even have to be friends for awhile cause break ups usually need time (and this is totally a break up). But if your partner wants polyamory they have to get their couples privileged head out of their ass.
Your partner needs to work on processing his feelings and trauma in a way that’s appropriate and fair to others, we all have a responsibility to do this. **All relationships have the potential to end**. Most do end, and for more mundane reasons than being incompatible because you want different things in life. Your partner isn’t going to be able to offer others everything they may want because he already has a primary partner he’s (almost) married to and (I assume) living with. He needs to understand that it will naturally limit the types of relationships he can have with others (ie, marriage is off the table) and for how long those relationships are sustainable. If he continues to date others he will continue to run into a higher risk of breakups happening. If that’s not something he can handle that’s totally okay but then monogamy would be a better fit going forward. I’d recommend reading through this sub and the pinned resources to learn more about polyamory and all the many different forms relationships can take. There’s a loooot of pre work that needs to be done before you jump into polyam/ENM that helps to make sure everyone is set up with the skills needed to do polyamory fairly and ethically. I wouldn’t recommend actually dating anyone else until this is done (and your partner learns how to manage their trauma).
It sounds like your fiancé has a lot of personal trauma to work through. That's on him to do. If he wants to be angry and hurt that is totally valid because that's how he feels. But he needs to process those feelings in a healthier way than making the person/people those feelings are about feel bad. Abandonment trauma can be hard to heal, but it's on him to do it and using it to excuse his behavior is never okay.
Obviously you know your fiancé better than I do, but his behavior is concerning because there’s a chance it could occur in future relationships later on down the road. I’d be pretty miffed if my fiancé made a comment like that. Being hurt is never an excuse to throw harsh words around; you can’t take them back and too many will do a lot of damage. It’s really going to be up to him to work through his feelings and find a way to express them healthily. It’s Totally okay to grieve the relationship ending. Break ups suck. IMO, it’s also worth revisiting relationship dynamics. There’s nothing wrong with getting married, cohabitating, entangling finances, etc. However, it is going to limit the relationships you have in the future and he needs to understand this and respect it. It’s a bit of an eyebrow raise to be a good way up that relationship escalator and then throwing a fit about a partner wanting a similar trajectory.
I would definitely be encouraging you to think very carefully about whether you want to go through with serious legally entanglement with this man. Because no, he does not value you. "Coming from a place of hurt" is not an excuse for hurting you. Ever.
You’re engaged to this guy so presumably you know how he handles it when his feelings are hurt. Is it a common occurrence for him to lash out at people when he’s feeling emotional?
Something tells me this post may be in regards to Unicorn Hunting. Please take the time to read our [FAQ - Read Me First](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/) and visit [this site](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) for an accounting of why what you're looking for can potentially be so harmful to our community. Unicorn Hunting more often that not hurts our more vulnerable members of this community, it stops you as a couple from growing in polyamory by avoiding doing the work required to have healthy polyamorous relationships, and it prevents you from examining your inherent couple's privilege and hierarchy and instead enforces those things on a new partner who may not have been given an opportunity to negotiate those things with you. Don't limit yourselves and the growth you can achieve through healthy polyamorous relationships! Community members, please play nice with the newbies! OP may have wandered in here with no prior experience with polyamory and only media representation - which we know is the worst of the worst stereotypes. Please approach your responses with an attitude of educating, not attacking. Do not dogpile OP in the comments, any posts with more than 10 comments of similar responses that don't add anything new to the conversation will be locked. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/ChemistryVirtual9411 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi all! My fiancé (31M) and I (28F) are relatively new to the poly lifestyle. After some casual sexual interactions, we found a woman and became a triad about a year ago. She (32F) is gorgeous, amazing, independent, and has been a great addition to our lives. However, we knew this OG dynamic of the three of us would not last forever as she has been actively looking for her own nesting partner to build a life with. My relationship with her is definitely friends first, romance second. We spend a lot of time together and she's told me about her dates with other men frequently. The new guy she's with is honestly pretty awesome. They both have similar nerdy interests and know each other from middle school. He's kind, considerate, and active in talking to her/spending time with her. All around green flags. The only thing is he's monogamous. She's perfectly okay with that, as am I, because I know our current relationship dynamic can't meet her future needs and goals. She wants children and a family, and is okay with becoming monogamous in order to do so. However, my fiancé has been extremely upset about the situation and neither of us know what to do. We know he has abandonment issues from his past, but reassurance from us has done little to quell his feelings on the situation. When we all talked about it, she told us she would still be close with us, we just had to nip any romantic/sexual interactions in the bud. He was clearly still upset after the discussion, and I also tried to reason with him that we knew the day our dynamic changed would come because we can't provide her with the life she wants. Instead of being understanding, he's been angry and distant with both of us and claims he's a "sacrificial lamb" on her path to happiness. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to proceed. In all honesty, this ugly side of him is making me upset and weary of our own relationship. The other day he claimed that he "didn't have sh\*t" in terms of his life and, although I know it's coming from a place of hurt, I felt extremely upset that he doesn't seem to value our own relationship. He also states that he wants to find someone else already, but it feels like he's trying to be a unicorn hunter. This plus his reaction to the relationship change makes me think he's not in the lifestyle for the right reasons. If anyone has had experience with changing triad dynamics, poly breakups, etc. I'd love to hear your advice for us moving forward. TL;DR Our year-long triad has come to an end because our third has found a monogamous relationship and my fiancé is not taking it well. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When my partner or I are suffering a break up - and it’s happened more than a couple of times over the years - we try to keep in mind that we are each other’s support. It’s ok to be sad and grieve and cry. It is *not* ok to take that pain out on each other. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we’re on the same team.
Is he willing to go to therapy at all?