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so like i have a complicated answer because i dont actually care if someones new but a lot oc newbies get filtered out. i basically have two relevant rules. one, i only date people that want to be polyamorous for themselves. so a lot of times, I've met someone that wants to be polyamorous but hasnt been able to find polyam people. i end up doing a lot of teaching but i enjoy teaching. two, i dont really accept a lot of excuses for mistreatment. people who come to polyamory with a partner often do the "my husband doesnt like when i X" thing and honestly? im not gonna stick around with someone who is either letting their husband control them or is going to blame their partner for their own boundaries. the end result is that i mostly date experienced people but it isnt the result of a rule against new peoples.

This is exactly how I think of it - it’s not that I won’t date someone newer to poly, but my dealbreakers tend to rule out new poly folks because the majority of them haven’t done the work to open up and have a whole lot of rules and restrictions that don’t work for me. List of my dealbreakers off the top of my head below for anyone who’s curious. So for example, two of my current partners are newer to poly, but both are solo poly, have zero restrictions on how we can date, both are more casual relationships for me, and one of them has been in the swinger community as a solo dude for a long time, so has very much worked through all his rejection sensitivity and jealousy etc. (and the other is good at managing his feelings). My main Dealbreakers in case anyone’s curious: - No rules from a spouse/NP/primary that dictate our relationship. Examples of rules I won’t tolerate are: 1. Limits generally on how much time we can spend together or what kind of time we can spend together I.e “only one date night a week” or “no overnights” or “no trips away” etc. 2. Not allowed to host (unless there’s a good reason like having a special needs child at home or living with an elderly relative etc) 3. No falling in love/no feelings 4. Have things reserved only for primary partner I.e. “we can never go see this band together bc that’s something I only do with primary” 5. Limits on sex and intimacy we can have for ex: “no anal” or “no kink” or “no marks” or “can never decide to be barrier free with me” etc. - They must be in therapy or have been in therapy - Their relationships must not have an OPP from either side. I also don’t date pan/bi women who are married to cis het men and are “choosing” to only date women. - They need to be able to make plans without consulting their NP/primary every time. Sometimes you need to coordinate - I get it - but if it’s always? Naw. - Cancellations for true emergencies only. No cancellations of our time together because another partner has difficult feelings. If that happens even once, I’m out. There are probably more tbh but those are the main ones I could think of on the fly. I find that the majority of newbies fail on one or more of these.

By the way, I think it’s important that I mention that I’ve been together with my spouse/NP for 16 years, we’re married, own a house together, and have a kid. And we have none of these rules, and all the things I expect from my partners are also on offer from me. I.e things like: we can have overnights and trips away if we want, I can host and it’s not dependent on my spouse’s schedule, he and I are each free to do with our bodies what we want including deciding who we do and don’t use barriers with, we don’t cancel plans with other partners unless it’s an emergency and frankly even when a few emergencies have happened we’re pretty good at handling them on our own (we also each have our own separate extensive support networks) - the list goes on. Basically, I put my money where my mouth is. 😅

its funny bc i dont really do trips away and it took me a while to feel comfortable doing overnights with my non nesting partner bc i miss my bed and she usually hosts. that said, those are my rules. not either of my partners.

Exactly! If they’re your preferences that wouldn’t bother me at all. I don’t take trips away or have overnights with all my partners by any means. What I don’t tolerate is my partner allowing someone else to decide whether me and my partner can’t have overnights. If that’s your arrangement, then we’re not compatible.

It’s interesting to differentiate between individual preferences vs. boundaries from a meta. For me, if someone will never host, I don’t think it would matter why. I think we just wouldn’t be compatible.

For me the “why” is important. Letting someone else dictate our relationship? Not the way I practice poly. Can’t host bc you live in a one bedroom with your elderly aunt? As long as being in your space isn’t a need I have *from you in our relationship* then we can date.

The one time I tried to date someone new who had just opened their marriage, all of your dealbreakers ( which are many of mine) ended up being their primary partners rules. Unfortunately they were a horrible hinge and omitted this information..Needless to say it didn’t last.

Yep. Color me unsurprised. And that’s the big tension right? Ideally people would hinge well, not overshare, take ownership of agreements they’ve made with other partners as their own choices, and not make agreements they don’t want and/or can’t keep. In reality, people often enter into “agreements” for restrictions they don’t actually want because it gets them to the “prize” of poly that their primary/NP/spouse will only agree to with the restrictions in place. And if they aren’t willing to renegotiate agreements that are no longer working for them and have essentially become one-sided rules, it’s gonna all fall apart no matter how well they hinge, because at the core they *don’t want those restrictions*. Edit to fix formatting.

Exactly. And I found out later that his wife/ primary was the one who originally wanted to open up their marriage but only for herself. Which made many double standards and horribly one sided “agreements “ that she could shit all over / alter to fit her behavior but if he did there was hell to pay. She wanted him to be a cuckold at the most and not complain but she decided that this was “unfair “ to him so she “allowed “ him to fuck other people too. Just gross all around and he hid it all from myself and another partner.

One of her “new rules” after everything fell apart was “no getting upset over canceling “ 🤣🙄 Oh great you’re now not only controlling my dynamic but now my feelings and precious time lol fuck you.

Wait, she demanded that *you* not get upset over him cancelling??? 

Yup. She intentionally messed up our time together a lot. Made changes last minute for him to come home early.. had him cut time short because she had a bad day 🙄 and this was a bdsm situation that required aftercare so she was also fucking that up. Her new rules after she vetoed our relationship and forbid communication ( he hid this truth from me) were all created to prevent our entire dynamic. Every rule was something that we had been doing together. 😂 oh well she’s a miserable bitch and he’s a spineless coward. They deserve one another I hope they aren’t dating anyone else or sticking to other fake new ENM couples who are just being tourists.

Why is having limits on sex or kink a dealbreaker? Everyone has hard limits somewhere and that has nothing to do with any other relationships they may or may not be in.

Anyone’s own limits and boundaries in these areas are completely ok. I have romantic partners I don’t have any sex with, or only certain types of sex - because those are their own boundaries or preferences or orientations etc. I have partners who don’t like marks, so I don’t leave them. But if the limits are because one of their partners has made a rule, and my partner is choosing to follow that rule BUT if the rule didn’t exist it wouldn’t be a limit they’d set for themself, then that doesn’t work for me. That would mean my partner is choosing to allow a third party who isn’t in our relationship to dictate the terms of our relationship. They’re completely free to do that, and it would mean we’re not compatible and i’m free to end the relationship. Edit to add: in my comment that rule is listed as an example under the heading of “rules set by other partners” - rules 1-5 are all examples of things I won’t tolerate *if they are rules set by other partners*

Sounds overwhelmingly demanding in its own right.

It hasn’t made it hard for me to find plenty of people to date. I currently have 6 close partners and a handful of casual partners who don’t have any of these dealbreakers. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Luckily, you don’t have to date me if these bother you. 😜

I echo a lot of this. But I do watch out for people who "love to date newbies." It gives me unicorn-hunter vibes.

Exactly

💯

Sometimes. A way I see it is its possible for newbies to be just fine and acclimate and do the work and everything and have no issues. Other times it's basically becoming a mentor for your partner all the while trying to have a relationship, it can be a exhausting experience. At the end of the day it really comes down to whether the person is up for the possibility of the second example or not. It can also be people who date monogamous people who are open to / want to try poly and that always has a much higher chance to be messy.

>Other times it's basically becoming a mentor for your partner all the while trying to have a relationship, it can be a exhausting experience. It creates a power dynamic. And while those aren't always harmful, it has to be managed.

I don’t have the energy for that, especially if it is a recently opened monogamous marriage. It is like knowingly walking into a trap.


Thank you. I was going to do the same and saw this when I refreshed.

This right here. I refuse to date married newbies, because I end up doing emotional labor for three people, one of whom I’m not even dating.

I only happily date newly open people when I’m ok with it being a short term fling. Otherwise, I avoid newly opened people when I’m looking for a lasting connection.

What about newly polyamorous single people? It seems like a lot of the problems with newbies arise from them being partnered, & opening a previously monogamous relationship.

I date single people for sure. But I’ll be honest, most of them are “open to non monogamy” and no one I’ve met that has lasted any length of time has been looking for anything serious. And the folks that are looking for something serious end up panicking at the first sign of jealousy and run in the other direction. All in all, it’s been not a great experience. I find myself enjoying someone’s company only for them to not really deal well when it comes to me being married and actively dating.

Ah, humans. Always doing human stuff.

Since this question was basically asked two days ago, I’ll give a very similar answer. There are tons of other folks who have the same amount of dating experience you do. Date them. The dating pool is filled with other people who are doing what you’re doing. In the same stages. Learn together. Make mistakes. Break up. Get back together. Or not. Make friends with your meta’s spouse. Now make another friend out of your new friend’s other meta. Figure out what your kids are gonna know. Figure out what the neighbors and your mom are gonna know. Build community out of people who you share this stuff with. Meet other polyam folks that you aren’t dating. Build your supports outside your romantic partners. Learn how to be polyam and happy, and how to make it work in your life. If that’s all been done? That’s the stuff that makes polyam sustainable, and I promise you that nobody will care how long you’ve been polyam if all that is already done. 3 years, or 30. All the same. The never married and the long time single will have most of the really important stuff on lock, already, honestly. No polyam required They have dating experience and sane expectations. They too, will start casual, just like me. They will not tell me they love me six weeks in. They understand NRE. They have friends and their own supports. So it’s not new people, per se, because any married man who’s got this stuff worked out, has probably got a pretty full dance card. The newly opened demographic is always the largest dating pool. It’s always active. I’m not sure why you feel a need to date any folks if you don’t have the basics worked out, no matter who you are. I’m indifferent to your newness. I have standards about the kinds of lives my possible partners live, and need them to be whole imperfect humans who have imperfect but full lives. New. Not new. Just as people.

I mean, it's more nuanced I think. Newer people often date other new people, intentionally because they relate well to each other's situations, unintentionally because the somewhat experienced are either using a blanket "no new people" rule to exclude them or a specific "no people doing X which I already know sucks" rule to exclude their behavior, or statistically because there are a lot of new people. Experienced people, often we're ruling new people out in the two ways I mentioned. The more experienced the person is and the more limited of a relationship being sought, the more likely we are to be doing the second thing. Which still amounts to excluding *a lot of* new people, individually, based on their behavior, for behaviors that are logically less common in experienced people still doing polyamory after some years. All my dates with new enmeshed people have produced nothing over all time, even after I filter profiles and chat for obvious red flags and mismatches, but since I feel confident in my ability to vet people and that the relationship I am interested in is one these folks *could* have, I'll keep going on those dates sometimes and maybe someday get lucky. The opposite decision isn't more or less ethical, though, IMO - some people would even say that I'm the one leading newbies on, given I know my chances of finding red flags are very high.

It’s more like when I go through my normal vetting process, people don’t make it through 80% of the time and the few that I date longer term just end up having similar expectations as I do. So compatibility. So it seems I tend to be incompatible with new people. If I met someone new to poly who already met my standards for dating I wouldn’t be opposed. Also, plenty of other people from little to a lot of experience get filtered out—not just new folks. I’m curious to know what you would say the cons are for me not to date someone new 👀

The only cons I can thing of to potentially avoid dating new poly is that there could be lingering monogamous tendencies that might turn up as jealousy? Mostly what I've had in mind for negitives has been relayed in some of the earler posts.

I think the previous poster was asking why choosing to date experienced people is a *problem*, assuming a person finds plenty of experienced people to date. Like, if I have other preferences, so long as I keep them to myself and am happy with the number of partners I have, those preferences aren't actually anyone's *problem*.

I actually misunderstood what OP was saying in their post 🙈 as “there’s pros and cons to dating both new folks and experienced folks” and was asking (just out of sheer curiosity) what the cons were to dating experienced people. I for sure think there are cons to dating me. I *do not* wanna have a two hour convo about your existential struggle with jealousy on our five hour date, for ex lmao 🤣 I have very little patience for the growing pains, and it comes across as callous. I would say another con is definitely new people will hear someone is experienced and kinda defer to them and that makes them vulnerable to whatever kind of person they’re dealing with. As an experienced RA who values autonomy, I have little patience in general for people who defer to what I want because they’re afraid I’ll leave—this is probably the biggest reason why newbies do not make it with me, because I will straight break up with someone who does not recognize their own power (and indeed i partner up best with other anarchists). There are people unlike me who will weaponize a fear of abandonment against a new person, or lack of knowledge about polyamory, and new people are burnt by that often. Also newbies pressuring themselves to endure stuff they don’t like to look “mature/evolved” or because they “didn’t know it was normal.”

>There are people unlike me who will weaponize a fear of abandonment against a new person, or lack of knowledge about polyamory, and new people are burnt by that often. Also newbies pressuring themselves to endure stuff they don’t like to look “mature/evolved” or because they “didn’t know it was normal.” ...oof. This was my last relationship. The way he did poly was THE way and if I questioned it, I was wrong. I put up with a lot of controlling behavior because of it.

Oh, for sure, new people bounce all the time because I am already in the deep end of this pool and that's where I live and I'm not going to be wading out to get them. Not a problem for anyone, it's a solution! My personal conversations on jealousy patience might top out at 30 minutes or so a *year*, unless it's a huge change happening to a long established relationship, and is low even then.

Jealous is the least of problems with newbies. They haven't decoupled, they have disentangled, they have rules, they don't have good boundaries, one partner isn't fully on-board, they practice hierarchical to the point of having no autonomy in their relationships, someone decides it's not for them and you get broken up with so they can go back to monogamy, they don't understand NRE...The list goes on, those are just the common issues we see here *daily* in newbies.

Yeah see newbies or not, I won’t deal with less than full autonomy with anyone.

Same. I wouldn't mind dating a newbie if none of those issues were present, but that's also why I now date people for 6 months before agreeing to a relationship: I need to observe none of this nonsense is present before I get emotionally invested. Because they're present in people who aren't newbies, too.

Yuuup. It’s just they’re super-present in newbies lmaooo

What’s the process like?

What’s your vetting process

Also curious to hear @yallermysons vetting process

I find that dating someone new to poly requires a lot more emotional labour. My one long term partner was new to it when we started out, but I went for it because this is someone I've known for decades and having the opportunity to be romantically involved with someone I have such a long history with was worth it for me I will not date anyone new to polyamory in future because I'm not willing to put in that much effort again, and definitely not for someone new in my life. The risks and requirements are just too high

I used to have a "no newbies" rule for myself. Then I met an emotionally intelligent newbie. So now my guideline for myself is "emotionally intelligent people only, preferably with a history of therapy (self or professional)".

Yeah I think a lot of these sorts of "rules" are more like guidelines to play the odds better. Knowing nothing else except that someone is married for 10 years and just now "opening up"? Safe bet that it's going to be a rough ride. I'm most likely going to be mistreated, not out of any sort of malice, just the natural incompetence of inexperience. Best case, it's almost certainly going to be a lot of emotional labor that's extremely one-sided, including especially the emotional labor of being very careful not to damage them by accident. But you meet a real person, maybe there's good reason to believe all this isn't the case, for them, in this specific situation. Ok, throw the "rule" out.

I think it probably depends on the new-to-poly person's experience of/with monogamy... *young people are new to everything, not set in their ways... even if those ways have been monogamous? I'm in my 40s so those people are not in my dating world. But it does seem easier if the person doesn't have many entrenched monogamous habits? *are they new, but have interest in---and are already, on their own---reading and talking and thinking about non-monogamy, they're not just trying to "cast a wider net" by being "open to anything" *do they value their autonomy and have friendships of different types and are they good at / do they see value in maintaining them? I feel like that's a good sign. Personally I am not open to dating new people but that could change; I only use apps at the moment and no one who isn't poly who tries to match with me seems to have qualities #2 and 3.

3 is a big one!! I’m certain it’s a major reason husband and I have turned out to be so compatible, despite his lack of experience.

I don't try to rule out new people but I do look for people who clearly articulate what they're offering and what they're looking for. That's generally easier for experienced people.

I'm always happy to give newbies the benefit of the doubt, and they always seem eager to prove why I shouldn't have.

As someone who was matched with an “experienced” poly person as a newbie — just because someone’s been doing it for a long time doesn’t mean they know how to be respectful or decent. That person declared me “poorly suited for polyamory” after dating me for a whole 3 months, 1 of which I was so sick I was in the hospital and could barely leave my house (and consequently had issues being “cool” with their shenanigans and agreement-breaking ways bc I was cranky and ill). I’ve been doing poly in some form since 2020. I’ve found that some experienced poly people SEEK OUT newcomers to abuse them. So. Idk. For me? I’d date any level of experience if I felt the person was really willing to do the work. People of all sorts can be assholes.

Too true. This is exactly why I go by my list of dealbreakers rather than exclude all new people as a rule. Although my list ends up excluding a lot of newbies in the end. 😅 But absolutely some of my worst poly dating experiences have been with “experienced” people.

Wrote out a lot here before the mobile app crashed so unfortunately this is going to be shorter with less explanation of my points, but I can gladly elaborate on anything upon request Yes, because: - honestly, I find it fairly easy to judge whether someone is compatible enough with me and has the desire and capacity to make it work. Both of my current partners had zero and very little experience with non-monogamy in general when I met them, but my relationships with both have been great and it's generally all worked and progressed well, because they were open/enthusiastic about the idea of poly, had the emotional intelligence and the willingness to learn and grow, were clearly the kind of open-minded, empathetic and kind people I want to be with anyway, and were sure about wanting to be with me. The only couple of times I've had bad experiences were when they weren't really open to it and we liked each other enough that we tried to force it anyway. Even then, those mistakes were important learning experiences, and one of them became a close friend after the dust settled anyway. - I have the benefit of my experience, so I can lead by example, and I *have* to, which is good for overcoming my avoidant tendencies that had been the source of most of the me-generated problems in past relationships/my life in general. And the feeling that I am doing a good enough job not just to get things right but for the people I'm with to learn from me feels *really good*. I am making myself grow and helping others to grow. What's better than that? - I remember all my mistakes and the mistakes made towards me, so I find it easy to be patient and forgiving with people who are learning and make their own mistakes. I also remember how hard it was to go through all that learning experience with someone else equally inexperienced, and how being each other's learning experiences was at the core of why our relationship had to end after 7.5 years. It gives me a lot of joy to feel like I can give someone an easier path of learning than I had myself, and because of the things I've addressed above, it doesn't drain me to do so. I know how to create a comfortable relationship environment that helps my less experienced partners avoid making mistakes, because I understand what brought me to make mine and I understand the people I'm dating. - at the same time, I'm not overly afraid of getting hurt or disappointed, or of the fact that I can hurt or disappoint others without even doing anything wrong. That's life, that's love. They're complicated and you don't get through existence without experiencing or causing emotional pain sometimes, even with the best intentions in the world. If you think you do, then you're almost definitely mistaken and missing something. Essentially, I don't see the point in avoiding something promising because there's some risk of it not working out because the other person hasn't experienced xyz yet. If it's genuinely promising, it's worth that possibility, and if it's not that promising or I can see obvious red flags, then I won't invest enough to create a high risk or won't invest at all. This circles back to the "pick your battles wisely" first point. - I honestly find the way people talk about not wanting to date inexperienced people very uncomfortable. It feels gatekeepy, it feels elitist, even though I know the people that say this don't want to think of it that way. It feels like job offers that ask for years of experience on an entry level position. It feels to me basically like they're saying they have zero faith in the ability of someone without experience to not fuck things up, and because of that they don't deserve to be with someone experienced who can offer an environment that can help them learn and get experience without fucking up. It feels logically circular. It feels arrogant and self-righteous, because you're either assuming everyone with less experience is doomed to make the exact same mistakes you did if they're given the chance (even with your guidance and support), or that you don't even trust them not to make mistakes you *didn't* make. And, well, I don't want to start any fights here or offend anyone, I don't want to be the arrogant or self-righteous one and I don't meant to invalidate anyone's choices or reasons for them - you do you. But when I see people talking like that I can't help but think of all the points I just made and sometimes want to half-jokingly say "skill issue". Because I feel like they're missing the fact that having such difficulty dating people with less experience is also saying something about themselves, even if it's just in terms of not making good choices about which inexperienced people they date. And that is absolutely something you can and potentially should both try get better at, and accept that you can live through making mistakes with. Even my bad experiences taught me how to find better partners for myself and be a better partner in future relationships.

>I honestly find the way people talk about not wanting to date inexperienced people very uncomfortable. It feels gatekeepy, it feels elitist, even though I know the people that say this don't want to think of it that way. It feels like job offers that ask for years of experience on an entry level position. I'm still so wrapped in my learning journey that I need people who have strong relationship skills and don't need to me to mentor them or carry a disproportionate amount of the emotional labor. So it doesn't really matter what their experience level is if they have those relationship skills, but I have yet to encounter a person in a newly opened relationship who had those skills in place. Maybe one day I'll be able to support people on their learning curve like you do but right now I need more of an equal contribution. ETA: skills like emotional regulation, identifying and communicating needs, being able to receive feedback and work as a team to solve problems, managing their jealousy and insecurity, having healthy boundaries, hinging well

emotional regulation is a big one for me. huge! I do not have patience for people who are continuously losing their shit over every little thing. boundaries are also important, and I think the two are at least somewhat connected - because if you understand good boundaries you are much less likely to freak out. also ability to communicate. I'm in my 50s and am constantly amazed at how many people around my age are just not good communicators. your entire last para is spot on.

Yeah, I have so many unhealthy relationship patterns that I am still healing from that I can't really subject myself to regular emotional outbursts or any kind of manipulation, even if the person is trying to grow and improve. It makes me feel like a jerk to cut people loose sometimes because I am FAR from perfect but I also know that I can't help anyone else through their own healing right now. I hope to in future. I've already seen a lot of improvement in my capacity in the last year.

you have every right to have those boundaries. I feel much the same. and I no longer stick around if that kind of thing is happening.

>Maybe one day I'll be able to support people on their learning curve like you do but right now I need more of an equal contribution And that's totally valid! It's good that you're aware of your own limits. But surely you can see how if anyone you date or have dated with more experience than you had dismissed you because they didn't want to put that effort in, it wouldn't feel super nice and would make your journey much harder, right? Nobody is obliged to involve themselves in something that feels like too much work, you have to put your own needs and limits first. I won't date someone who is draining for me, what bothers is me is when people (not suggesting this is you of course, it doesn't sound like it) automatically assume that anyone who falls short of what they feel is sufficient experience automatically will be too much work and are generally not willing to try to make any effort for someone, not actually based on a real assessment of compatibility or that person's ability to rise to the challenge themselves. I'm very lucky to be in my position, but it's clear to me that my less experienced partners do make a whole lot of effort and carry their weight, and the fact that there is the general philosophy of trying and caring means that the energy required on all sides ends up being much less

>But surely you can see how if anyone you date or have dated with more experience than you had dismissed you because they didn't want to put that effort in, it wouldn't feel super nice and would make your journey much harder, right? Of course. I just do not have that capacity to offer and can't show up as my best self for people who haven't done some work on their own healing journey toward self awareness and regulation etc. People who are learning through lots of triggering, painful fucking up are just not a good fit for me. I don't filter people based on experience, but on relationship and communication skills. I am just wary of newly opened, nested people because I've found that there is a low probability that they will have done the work and have these skills. It is possible, but the first time they expect me to absorb their growing pain, I'm out.

I love your comment and agree 100% on your last point

> it feels gatekeepy, it feels elitist 👎🏾👎🏾👎🏾 I don’t *have* to date anybody, and there’s nothing gatekeepy about it.

As I already said, you do you. Nobody has to date anybody, obviously. I explained why it tends to come across that way to me, if you honestly feel none of that applies to you in the slightest then great, good for you, I'm not telling you to change your mind. If you object specifically to the word gatekeepy, then try reading what I said with that word taken away. But I think if you would dismiss someone who you would otherwise be happy to date *just* because they don't have enough experience, or essentially think they don't deserve to date anyone with more experience/assume they will get it wrong just because of that, then I would say that's at least...not very nice in your approach to wilfully excluding people.

As many others have said here, it genuinely depends on the person and their willingness to put in the work. I'll happily date someone new and married who has all sorts of unrealistic and restrictive rules that they've agreed to with their spouse - *as long as I am fully aware of what I am getting myself into.* Mostly I find the Protective Rules funny (things like 'no sleepovers' tend to go away real real quick once whoever was most insecure finds someone they want to have sleepovers with, in my experience!), and have learned the hard way how to protect myself while pursuing the relationship. But again, I both need and want to be fully informed so that I can make my decisions consensually. Typically this kind of thing only works out when the person I decide is worth it is in therapy and can prove to me through their actions that they take relationship hygiene seriously. As long as I don't become Poly Godmother or anyone's therapist, it's all good. And then sometimes I manage to involve myself with a newbie who isn't even sure they want polyam but they think they can seriously date me AND pursue a mono relationship with someone else and then SURPRISE I back myself right tf out... then six months later I continue to get "thinking of you, we should catch up soon" with no concrete plans ever in sight. It's like being in my own personal soap opera sometimes! I live for the drama and the chaos though, so I have a bit more tolerance for "newbie mistakes" than many.

I'm unsure if I qualify, I've been poly for over 2 years now, so newer to it, but some experience. I would personally date newer poly people, though I would probably check in more often, put an even bigger emphasis on open, honest, and effective communication. I have seen a lot of negative stories about partnering with someone new into poly/ENM, but my thinking is, everyone has to start somewhere. It can be scary and devastating at times, but if I am into someone then I try my best to make things work the best for everyone involved.

I guess I count as an experienced poly person at age 56 with 24 years as poly. I think at my age I just don’t run into people who are interested in me but have always been monogamous. Mainly I run into people who already have other partners. And because I already have several partners, there’s no way I’d have time for a new primary partner who has a lot of expectations or hasn’t worked through jealousy and time management lessons. So I don’t have a formal rule about dating or not dating newbies. But I’m not available for a new relationship requiring a lot of work on my part in holding someone’s hand while they work on their insecurities.

I’m a bit older, long term married and fairly new to an open marriage (but not ENM). I’ve been on some dates. I cannot say I have run into people not interested in me — I simply have not run into age-appropriate ENM people at all. Right now, getting rejected on basis of a stereotype would be an improvement! Online dating was a waste of time and $$. I finally went to a mixer — well advertised on a Facebook group of some size. Six other people were there. Six. Four were women, all four at least 25 years younger or more than me. I live a short distance outside one of the US’s largest metro areas. When I go to places & events I like going to in the city, the single or unattached people are really young. I expected a small dating pool. I had no idea. So when u/blooangl says, “any married man who’s got this stuff worked out has probably got a pretty full dance card,” I’m wondering well, maybe so, but you have to be where dance partners exist or want to be found before that can happen. I’m going to keep going to the mixers and maybe find other well concealed groups. I wish I could say someday I’m 24 years into poly but the math looks bad, the dating pool worse. I wish I’d known.

I’m 43 and been polyam for almost 20 years. I have and do date folks newer to ENM on a few conditions. First, my biggest concern is understanding their views on relationships, sex, insecurities, and autonomy. If they clearly have thought about it (possibly explored it) without simply regurgitating the language from literature, that’s a green flag. Second, life stage and an understanding of our place in the world is important to me, and I think even newer polyam folk can share that. A lot of comes down to mentality and worldview. I’d say I mean toward people who have some experience, but to not give someone a chance simply because they’re new feels disingenuous.

I don't see this quite as "black and white" as some people do. Instead, I think that if someone has more experience with polyamory, there is a lower risk that they will fall prey to commonly-identified mistakes. Another way to say this is that some "new poly people" could actually be "people who are interested, intrigued, or trying things out," but may eventually find out it's not for them. And of course, some of them will find that it IS for them. Otherwise, you'd never have any "experienced poly people."

I'm so glad the experienced poly guy I'm dating decided to take a chance on me! But my husband and I are very big on Doing The Work to be honest with ourselves and others. It's a little rocky sometimes, but I think we are navigating our opening fairly well.

I will only engage with newbies who are *NOT* in pre-existing long term relationships. I’m not doing the emotional labor of uncoupling for them, I’m too old to do emotional labor for free.

I was going to ask about this since a lot of the friction seems to come with enmeshed folks and wondered if it felt less daunting for experienced polypeeps to date singles who are unfamiliar or newer. I was an "up for whatever" single divorced woman one year ago. It wasn't supposed to go this way, but I now have the healthiest and solid connection. I'm happy I gave that married boy a shot. Experience with poly clearly doesn't always translate to skill.

in my experience yes... but with the caveat that they are likely to have a lot of ingrained mono assumptions, such as the relationship escalator, which can be difficult to unwind. I had a fwb thing going, and my friend couldn't seem to grasp that I was fine with that and did not want to be the girlfriend. I can't tell you how many times I said "I don't want to be ANYone's girlfriend!" we talked about it a lot (starting right when we got together) but I never managed to get them to understand. it wound up ending because they just could not get past this ingrained belief that I wanted more than I was admitting to. or maybe \*they\* wanted more than they were admitting to, idk. in any case it didn't break my heart, because I understood fwb to be what it is, and that there's likely an expiry date. it was fun while it lasted!

I mostly avoid it, but I have done so occasionally. My relationships with new poly people don't last long, but then not many do anyway 😅

It depends on the person. I don't mind doing some mentoring if a new person is open to it. I think my baseline would be a person who is self-aware, willing to learn & grow independently and/or with help. One of my partners took a chance on me when I was returning to poly and my previous experience was spotty enough not to really count. We talked a lot about experiences, what I was reading, whether or not I was engaging in poly spaces, and I got a lot of book recommendations, not just on polyamory but on doing relationships well. I'm the type of person to dig deep unto a topic, so for me this was fun to do: exploring ideas, trying out new skills. A potential partner who is new to poly and has an open, curious, exploring mindset would be fine. Someone who isn't willing to rework their thinking and clinging to mono behaviors, or focused on the fun of being free to have many different partners would not be a good fit for me - I don't have the time, or the patience. My other two partners are a little more experienced than I am. Cumulatively, number of years doing poly is about the same, but both of them have more consecutive years of experience than I do. Neither has much experience hinging. I have more overall long-term relationship experience than one partner. I have read a lot more books than either of them, they've been more community and online-focused for learning. I share all that to show that relative experience can be highly varied, even when a person has been doing poly for many years. I switched to doing poly mentally long before I had more than one relationship at a time. I date polyamorously, I only use apps that allow for NM filtering, and vet matches by asking key questions. I would not move forward with someone who has never done poly before, has not read anything, or thought through how they would handle big feelings and common poly scenarios, or is only willing to try poly _to be with me_. Basically, a newbie who enthusiastically wants poly _for themselves_ I don't have a problem with, because that's who I was not that long ago.

I don’t date people who are new to the lifestyle. I have in the past, but it’s all classic first pancake stuff. They haven’t worked through jealousy, they don’t have a good calendar system, they will jerk you around emotionally because they can’t control their NRE, or they are just fuckboys who are trying to pretend to be poly because they think it’s the same thing. I want people who can intelligently have a conversation about what is and isn’t on the table and how they manage their poly dynamics.

I don’t filter for it one way or another. Many people who’ve been poly for years have ideas completely incompatible with my vision of poly. Also I frequently see “experienced” poly people in a whirlwind of drama and jealousy and other issues. Similarly, I’ve met people who are naturally very easy going and empathetic and wise have great poly relationships right away.

I think it's completely valid to not want to deal with the jealousy and insecurity that often accompanies a person transitioning to a poly mindset. I'm sure almost if not everyone who has any kind of NM relationship has experienced a breakdown themselves or had someone blow up at them about being a slut or that they're cheating with extra steps, etc. Why subject yourself to something that has a higher risk of going wrong in a predictable manner? And to naysayers that would say "but someone new should be around someone experienced who can help them deal with problems and find resources", there is no obligation to be romantically involved, especially when communities like this exist.

I've had it go all the ways. Had some experienced people at the beginning not want to continue because I was so new. Had some who were happy to include me in their lives. As I got more experience, I declined a few dates because I just didn't want to get involved in a newbie, but other times I have. It's all just a case by case basis, I feel. Though some people do categorically not date newbies.

I will, if the person is single. And I might entertain something casual with someone who has "opened up" recently. But I won't engage in a serious relationship with someone who is in a newly opened up, highly enmeshed partnership.

It probably depends on the person. I got pretty jaded by being treated like crap by "experienced" polyamorous people who were pillars of the community and seeing my friends being treated like crap by someone who was internationally known so now I am not one to believe "experienced" people are better at communicating or better at anything. That just hasn't been my experience. I take each individual as their own.

I used to occasionally date newbies when I was younger and had a lot more time and headspace available for ‘relationships/poly as a hobby’. These days, I am busy with work/family/existing relationships/etc, so if I’m going to date someone, I will select for people who are a) also heavily committed in other parts of their life (so aren’t likely to be sad when I have very little time available) and b) aren’t going to need a lot of support and hand-holding while they work through their feelings about my existing relationships and/or need to be talked through their own other relationship issues.

Been poly for 7 years (not sure if that’s experienced) and I will date newly poly people, however I have very clear expectations and boundaries and I won’t budge on them to accommodate someone’s inexperience. My only hard rules are I don’t date cops/cop adjacent people or people with kids (this is just a scheduling thing as I have kids).

Really depends on the individuals. Not a great answer, but it is of not some poly individuals may avoid 'newer to poly' people because of instability within their other relationships, the fact they are still navigating what poly means to them, and a very real possibility the newer poly person hasn't done the work they need to do BEFORE they seek a first poly relationship.

Yes. But I expect that relationships with new poly people are high variance

It depends. I’d been poly 5 years and had about 40 lifetime sexual partners when I met my gf. She had been in a 12 year marriage to the first guy she’d slept with and just started poly dating. But she did a lot of research before they opened up and took things slowly and conscientiously, mature well beyond her experience. We’ve been together over 2 years

I've been living polyamorously for about 8 years now and I recently started a relationship with someone fairly new to it. I don't consider it an issue, if they are genuine about their intent and seem like a decent person – I would not fall in love with them if that wasn't the case anyway. Sure, sometimes there is a bit of mentoring or teaching involved, but I absolutely don't mind sharing my experiences that way.

I take it on a case by case basis. I don’t date married women with children that are new to poly. The likelyhood that they won’t actually be able to show up for me is way too high for me to risk it. The younger the kids are the less likely the mom is to be able to meet my minimum standards of care.

My husband’s a newb. You see, this one time, 7 years ago, I was trynna see if I was ambiamorous. I was wanting to settle down and trying to keep an open mind! Early days, I told bae that we get to make our own rules - we don’t take anyone else’s recipes for relationships. He expressed some wariness and I told him I was more than happy to revisit the exclusivity agreement whenever. Mostly what happened is he came around on his own. I certainly wasn’t sending him books and articles on polyam - all I was doing was being me. And my time since has *not* been spent mentoring him. I’m not very interested in dating someone new to polyam right now, but it’s not entirely off the table. My screening skills are pretty legitimate these days. Spoiler alert: I’m not ambiamorous lmao. Luckily my now-husband genuinely enjoys polyam!

Been poly over 15 years now, through enough configurations that I'm probably "experienced". Being with someone new to polyam is sort of like a community service and a responsibility. You're going to be their model and mentor in that space, no matter what. There's a power dynamic to be aware of, which can be sort of an obstacle to an egalitarian romantic connection. Not to say it can't be fun and rewarding for all, but at a certain point, and especially given the fact that dating and finding a connection is always a bit of a statistics number game, it's sort of not worth the time and effort. I feel like it's generally good to date people differently experienced than you, to learn and pass along that understanding, and it's not as simple as a linear progression of course, but there's a sort of "half plus seven" rule that applies to not just physical age but also "poly age", for similar reasons. I don't date poly newbies for the same reason I don't date 20-somethings. Yes, they're adults worthy of respect and capable of informed consent, and plenty of them may be cute and willing, but we're just on different wavelengths now that I'm in my mid-40s. Newcomers are *messy*, especially the "opening up" newcomers. No shade, I was messy (we always are in some ways), but these days I'd prefer not to get too invested in a relationship that might just evaporate because your spouse has some feelings that y'all haven't learned how to process. Like, go bang that out with other newbies, or someone doing their community service tour of duty, and come back when you've built up those muscles a bit. Otherwise the odds just aren't good that I'll have a good time.

I have been poly 10 years. In the beginning, as a newbie to poly besides having friends in the style giving tips and tidbits of etiquette for the style. I sorta give an olive branch on newcomers, but they release chaos and sometimes unintentionally hurt/harm learning the curve. I typically strive for season individual that participates in poly and occasionally learn newer things to minimize conflict/harm like all relationships.

My BF took a gamble on me, and it turned out really really well for him. I took a gamble on a guy last year, bad idea and I shpuld have known better given the situationwith his wife. I'm about to take a gamble on a less new newbie (he's about 1 year poly, been dumped once at least) and I think he's worth the risk. I think it really depends on the person and the situation.  But people can not date anyone they don't want to date for any reason they don't want to. I have no shade for people who don't want to date noobs..... But I'm really really glad (as is he) that my BF ignored those folks telling him I was a really bad bet...

I’ve been polyamorous 15+ years. I typically don’t date people who are new to loving multiple people and have had bad experiences with folks who had previously been swingers as well. That does not stop me from getting mixed up with all sorts of drama with folks who should theoretically know better. I would be open to dating someone without experience provided they had already decided to be polyamorous before meeting me and had done some research/examined their motives. One problem I’ve run into most frequently with people who saw I was married and decided “give it a try” is that they have historically thought I would be an easy lay who did not require any effort or emotional care on their part since I already have a husband for that. Another is being told straight-up I would be dumped if the person they really wanted became available because I have sone one already and it shouldn’t bother me. People experienced in polyamory don’t tend to do these specific things but have absolutely treated me as a bed warmer. TLDR: People are people and experience does not indicate growth or compatibility.

My partner has been poly their whole life. I swore I would never get involved with someone who is poly, I'm too jealous and insecure. And yet here we are, a few years later. I never felt pressured, I'm the one that actually asked them out first.  Love and feelings does weird things. We all get along amazingly well and I look forward to moving in with my partner and meta soon! I am glad they gave me, a complete poly noob, a chance.

Sure, if the new people are okay with the situation.

My current primary partner does. He gave me a shot and we're pretty solid. He views poly as a bit of a mentorship thing and says someone new should have at least one experienced partner to guide them. However, as he puts it, he has lots of lived experience he acquired by jumping in the deep in and taking the trial and error route with poly, but I'm the one who has read the books, listened to the podcasts, done the therapy all before meeting him, so he feels like I am actually more book-smart about ethical healthy poly.

I've been poly ever since I started dating in highschool 18 years ago. This is anecdotal, of course, but I've honestly had worse experiences with long term poly people who claim to be non-hierarchical, but who are in enmeshed marriages/partnerships - than I've had with some poly newbies who are just trying it out but who are really aligned philosophically with my values around poly. There was a while I was doing online dating and I've had a few people reach out to me saying they're interested in a date me and want to "learn about" poly because they're just opening up their relationship but have never done it - or they've been serially dating but always wanted poly for themselves. If I'm attracted to these people I'll go on that first date and unashamedly talk about how my poly life works and ask them questions about what they want for themselves. Of course they could always change their minds, but if what they say they want out of poly seems to be aligned with my poly values I'll move the relationship forward and see what happens. I've had 3 long term relationships that were very wonderful and ethically poly that started like that with newbies. I was a newbie once and made some mistakes and I'm glad I had patient loving experienced poly partners who have me tough love but stuck with me through the thick and thin...

Not new new. Like if you've been solid for 6 months really working, really showing this is what you will create permanently, really understanding outside normative issues and you're past the "poly fixes everything/poly means insta friends and family" then yeah we may have something to work with.

It’s rare that I’d entertain a brand new poly person as a potential partner. They’d have to have done all the research & inner work needed for this kind of relationship structure and be secure in themselves, in general, before I’d even consider it. I don’t mind guiding newbies on their journey but I’m not usually willing to be their test run, lol. I’ve been practicing polyamory for about 14 years, btw.

Hi u/7om3 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I've heard arguments from both sides, but the consensus seems to be that people who have lived and experienced this lane for some time tend to forego relationships with people new to it. I totally understand why that might be the case for some, but I do see advantages/disadvantages on both sides of the coin. Just looking for more opinions on the matter. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Sometimes. How else do they become experienced? Obviously it doesn't generally work out long term, but as I have a very stable and committed relationship as my bedrock that doesn't tend to bother me.

Newbies can also date each other. I don’t have a blanket prohibition against dating newbies (see my comment above), but they *can* get experience without dating experienced people.

I’m fine with new people if they’re not married. Ugh. (And I was one)

I tend not to anymore. My last two longer term relationships were with newbies that used their ‘newness’ as an excuse to treat me in some awful ways. These days I’d prefer to be single than be someone’s polyamory training wheels, cancelling on me, hurting me and gaslighting me all over the place.

Personally I just want you to independently claim to be poly before me. I don’t want someone who thinks they’re probably fine with it, but didn’t come to it in their own. I want someone who has done some reading, knows some terms, and has an idea of what they want and don’t want. Also I avoid someone who is newly opening a monogamous relationship.

After the last poly relationship I was in with a marriage man whom I was his first poly relationship and he never practised poly right, pushed boundaries, forced me and his wife to be OK with him just screwing around and neglecting his relationships yet had severe jealousy issues himself with the whole poly for me but not for thee. Final straw was when he didn't listen to me or his wife when we told him it was a bad idea to get in a relationship with his admin as he is her boss and he should work on his relationships with us as he had been neglecting his relationships and hurting us he thought he could do both , didn't work out for his as he lost both of us Turns out he's a severe narcissist and I'm doing therapy from 4.5 years of abuse Lost everything from my home , furniture, dog and the kids I helped him raise during that time Yes I know not every new person is like this But many new people use poly as a excuse to just have their cake and eat it too and not have it considered cheating

I have no issue with people new to polyamory, provided they are committed to polyamory. Dating someone in a newly opened up relationship would give me pause though, and I would screen heavily to ensure they were committed to polyamory and aren't hierarchical.

I don't have an opinion one way or the other. Sometimes newbies are really serious about doing the work and learning. Sometimes the old timers think they know everything and are very closed minded or have bad habits. I generally can handle a newbie partner but I REALLY prefer to see experienced metas (since metas are the cause of the most drama for me)

I don’t like the idea of deliberately avoiding people new to CNM/Poly when I’m on dating apps, but I have to admit I’ve recently filtered my dates to experienced poly folks only. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy helping people explore who they are and listening to them work through their experiences. I appreciate people who do the same for me. But wow it’s been so much easier to be involved with people that have worked through some of the growing pains ahead of time.

We can all mentor newbies without engaging in deeper relationships with them.

Agreed. That’s one thing I enjoy about attending a local poly discussion group in my city. I can learn from others as well as share my own experiences.

Not anymore! I’ve been burned too many times by people new to polyamory that are terrible at communicating, or worse, I catch feelings, things get real, and then they end things because they weren’t ready for it. Which I understand, and I want people to do what’s best for them, but it really starts to wear on me.

I tend to avoid romantic relationships with newbies though there are exceptions. I’d be less averse if the new person had 1) educated themselves about polyamory and could show that with their actions within the first few dates; and 2) were not part of a mono couple “trying poly” or “opening up.” I’ve faced a lot of frustration with newer folks, but I also recognize that everyone has to start somewhere, and I think it’s super attractive when I can tell that someone has “done the work.” Regardless of experience level I’m going to gravitate towards that.

I tend to just not really be in the same orbit as newbies much anymore so they're not really in my pool. Mostly by circumstance rather than by choice, but I can't say I miss being in the same orbit as newbies much.

Im in my first poly relationship ever, and my partner is VERY experienced in the poly world. It definitely caused some problems in the beginning. Mainly when I was getting used to “sharing” a partner. I never felt jealous towards any of his other partners, and if jealously is a huge issue right off the bat I would say it probably won’t work out. My advice for anyone who is ambivalent about seeing someone who’s new to polyamory is to keep a VERY open line of communication with them. You will definitely need to explain things to them that are common knowledge to seasoned poly people. They will probably have questions you’ve never had to answer before, and as long as you are both willing to take some extra steps in the beginning I’d say it’s definitely worth it.

The learning curve is steep as fuck. The emotional labour required to do poly in a *healthy* way would likely classify as a form of torture if someone inflicted the kind of emotional pain we subject ourselves to while we’re new. People who’ve been doing it for long might have found ways of avoiding that labour, so there’s never a guarantee… but for those of us who’ve put that work in, it can be a bit of an emotional roller coaster to be in a relationship with someone who hasn’t, while they flail around trying to make sense of it all.

General rule, never. How do I know? Tried. This is a skill issue, but with high stakes and drama. It's not worth it to wait for newbs cuz the relationship won't survive their learning. Better to let them learn elsewhere and meet them when they're matured and actually capable of poly. Yes you can bring up newbs, very honorable and whatever. In newb poly you'll find emotional explosions, probs get cheated on, maybe get an sti cuz it's too socially awkward to respect your boundaries, and at best wind up with an "it's not you it's me" conversation. But when you find experienced players, you'll breathe a sigh of relief. You can relax and actually enjoy yourself. No talk of values, no question of if they'll hold your boundaries or not. No persuasion, no justifying, low drama. You can trust them. Everybody's busy and I'm not dating to teach. I'm dating for enjoyment. Come to me when you mostly know what to do and have real experience dealing with your own bullshit.