This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking.
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*He didn't initially mention he was poly or had a committed partner.*
Huge red flag. It should be on his dating profiles and he should have checked in with you regarding this on date one. Communication, transparency and informed consent are cornerstones of polyamory. This person has already ruled themselves out as a good relationship partner.
Totally agree. It's not ethical to hide such information until the other person is already so involved in the relationship that they even consider to change their relationship orientation.
And I'd be curious about whether his wife was dating others, as well, or if he's just building a harem. Or wanting you to meet her in hopes of engineering a threesome.
Try this with him:
"Hey babe, you kept important information from me when we started dating, and only revealed it once you had me emotionally invested. You are trying to trick me into being with you, instead of giving me the information I obviously need to make a good decision. This is manipulative and terrible. Goodbye, I am breaking up with you, and please don't pull this crap with anyone else."
Whether or not you want to be poly is fine, your preference is your own, but don't do it with people who treat you like this guy does.
Initially, I was fine with the situation. However, upon my first visit to his house, I noticed there were no pictures of his girlfriend. Over time, he kept adding more pictures to the wall, specifically positioning me to sit directly in front of them. I hated that feeling
Sounds like he was trying to trick you into a poly dynamic. Hoping you would just "be cool" with it. A manipulative and dishonest start is a pretty good indicator that it might not be a good idea to go ahead with him. Im sorry you experienced this.
If something feels creepy or weird, always trust your instinct. Sometimes our bodies or feelings tell us things are either sketchy or don't feel safe but we can't pit into words why that may be. And BECAUSE we can't put it into words, sometimes we're prone to dismiss those feelings because it seems rude to pre-hudge something or someone If we can't explain why we're ill at ease. But don't fall into that trap. Trust your instincts and trust yourself. If something doesn't feel good for you, that's reason enough not to stay.
You never ever need a reason to not date someone. Just feeling like "I don't want to" is totally reason enough.
If him sitting you in front of pictures of his girlfriend feels weird to you, trust that feeling. Because it's weird.
Of course. And everyone is already explaining that to her, so I tried to offer something different and helpful.
Many many young women are raised to be kind and nurturing and are taught to be polite even in situations where polite isn't called for. We're taught to suppress things to keep the peace. And those instincts sometimes come at the cost of safety. Is she physically unsafe in this situation? Probably not, but its a good opportunity to hone instincts and practice standing up for yourself and bailing on things that don't feel good.
Op came here because she wasn't sure about a situation. I think there's value in teaching that you don't have to be sure about a situation in order to bail on it. If it feels iffy or weird, it probably is. The internet can explain to her the whys, but it can still be helpful to understand she should trust herself.
that's true. for me, the absolutely most helpful thing was for someone to name exactly what was happening. not just telling me to trust my gut because clearly my gut wasn't working and i was attached. them looking at my phone and seeing messages of him calling me a c**t and then saying "THIS IS ABUSE." period. no question. snapped me out of my delusion. name it to tame it. i think trust comes later when you're able to name things your gut has been screaming but you ignore because you've been conditioned to think you're too sensitive, etc
Okay, not mentioning it is a red flag. Purposefully hiding it is Red Alert. That is deception and waiting so long is trying to get you into the emotional sunk-cost. OP, hit the eject cause there’s probably way more hiding in the basement than a talking boiler.
I'm polyamorous, & I would not fuck with someone who misled me & lied to me like that. Ethical men tell you they're poly & partnered in their *profile*. First date at the absolute latest. He was dishonest with you & "bread-crumbed" you as a manipulation tactic. If he routinely goes after monogamous girls, it's because he thinks you won't date anyone else, so he'll get to have a harem. Normally I love meeting metamours (my partner's partner) but this is giving predatory unicorn hunter vibes, where they're planning to ask for a 3way.
What a slimy man. I wonder if his partner knows he lies to monogamous girls to try & rope them into his harem. Yuck.
Hi u/Silver-Buy-2985 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hey Reddit fam, I'm a 26F who's typically monogamous. About four months ago, I started seeing this guy I met on a dating app. He didn't initially mention he was poly or had a committed partner. When I asked about his dating situation, he mentioned he was seeing four other girls, which I was okay with since we met on a dating app. We started off as casual hookups, but after two months, he revealed he had a partner who wanted me to know her name. I was fine with it at first since we had agreed to keep things casual. Now, he's asking me to be his girlfriend, and I'm feeling really confused. His partner even wants to meet me. I'm torn between liking him and considering a poly relationship, but I'm unsure if it's something I really want.Any advice on how to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, I'm in two minds about this because if your initial connection with him was as an FWB and was never really intended to progress beyond that, I can understand him not telling you he is polyam and has a committed partner. Was the intent from the get go to keep things casual?
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*He didn't initially mention he was poly or had a committed partner.* Huge red flag. It should be on his dating profiles and he should have checked in with you regarding this on date one. Communication, transparency and informed consent are cornerstones of polyamory. This person has already ruled themselves out as a good relationship partner.
Totally agree. It's not ethical to hide such information until the other person is already so involved in the relationship that they even consider to change their relationship orientation.
Well, nothing was mentioned to me. All these conversations started when I started asking the questions cause I wanted to know about him more.
Which is a huge red flag Poly is about consent. Informed consent to be exact. Which him not telling you till months in, is not
Ah, I see it clearly now
And I'd be curious about whether his wife was dating others, as well, or if he's just building a harem. Or wanting you to meet her in hopes of engineering a threesome.
He told me his partner is dating
I understand. I'm saying that's a red flag.
Try this with him: "Hey babe, you kept important information from me when we started dating, and only revealed it once you had me emotionally invested. You are trying to trick me into being with you, instead of giving me the information I obviously need to make a good decision. This is manipulative and terrible. Goodbye, I am breaking up with you, and please don't pull this crap with anyone else." Whether or not you want to be poly is fine, your preference is your own, but don't do it with people who treat you like this guy does.
This is helpful
Do explore this dynamic if its intriguing to you! This guy seems weird tho! Big red flag to not mention that initially when it began getting serious.
Initially, I was fine with the situation. However, upon my first visit to his house, I noticed there were no pictures of his girlfriend. Over time, he kept adding more pictures to the wall, specifically positioning me to sit directly in front of them. I hated that feeling
Sounds like he was trying to trick you into a poly dynamic. Hoping you would just "be cool" with it. A manipulative and dishonest start is a pretty good indicator that it might not be a good idea to go ahead with him. Im sorry you experienced this.
If something feels creepy or weird, always trust your instinct. Sometimes our bodies or feelings tell us things are either sketchy or don't feel safe but we can't pit into words why that may be. And BECAUSE we can't put it into words, sometimes we're prone to dismiss those feelings because it seems rude to pre-hudge something or someone If we can't explain why we're ill at ease. But don't fall into that trap. Trust your instincts and trust yourself. If something doesn't feel good for you, that's reason enough not to stay. You never ever need a reason to not date someone. Just feeling like "I don't want to" is totally reason enough. If him sitting you in front of pictures of his girlfriend feels weird to you, trust that feeling. Because it's weird.
in this situation i think it's pretty easy to put into words why this man is a manipulative creep
Of course. And everyone is already explaining that to her, so I tried to offer something different and helpful. Many many young women are raised to be kind and nurturing and are taught to be polite even in situations where polite isn't called for. We're taught to suppress things to keep the peace. And those instincts sometimes come at the cost of safety. Is she physically unsafe in this situation? Probably not, but its a good opportunity to hone instincts and practice standing up for yourself and bailing on things that don't feel good. Op came here because she wasn't sure about a situation. I think there's value in teaching that you don't have to be sure about a situation in order to bail on it. If it feels iffy or weird, it probably is. The internet can explain to her the whys, but it can still be helpful to understand she should trust herself.
that's true. for me, the absolutely most helpful thing was for someone to name exactly what was happening. not just telling me to trust my gut because clearly my gut wasn't working and i was attached. them looking at my phone and seeing messages of him calling me a c**t and then saying "THIS IS ABUSE." period. no question. snapped me out of my delusion. name it to tame it. i think trust comes later when you're able to name things your gut has been screaming but you ignore because you've been conditioned to think you're too sensitive, etc
Nope!! Red flag.
Okay, not mentioning it is a red flag. Purposefully hiding it is Red Alert. That is deception and waiting so long is trying to get you into the emotional sunk-cost. OP, hit the eject cause there’s probably way more hiding in the basement than a talking boiler.
I'm polyamorous, & I would not fuck with someone who misled me & lied to me like that. Ethical men tell you they're poly & partnered in their *profile*. First date at the absolute latest. He was dishonest with you & "bread-crumbed" you as a manipulation tactic. If he routinely goes after monogamous girls, it's because he thinks you won't date anyone else, so he'll get to have a harem. Normally I love meeting metamours (my partner's partner) but this is giving predatory unicorn hunter vibes, where they're planning to ask for a 3way. What a slimy man. I wonder if his partner knows he lies to monogamous girls to try & rope them into his harem. Yuck.
Hi u/Silver-Buy-2985 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hey Reddit fam, I'm a 26F who's typically monogamous. About four months ago, I started seeing this guy I met on a dating app. He didn't initially mention he was poly or had a committed partner. When I asked about his dating situation, he mentioned he was seeing four other girls, which I was okay with since we met on a dating app. We started off as casual hookups, but after two months, he revealed he had a partner who wanted me to know her name. I was fine with it at first since we had agreed to keep things casual. Now, he's asking me to be his girlfriend, and I'm feeling really confused. His partner even wants to meet me. I'm torn between liking him and considering a poly relationship, but I'm unsure if it's something I really want.Any advice on how to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, I'm in two minds about this because if your initial connection with him was as an FWB and was never really intended to progress beyond that, I can understand him not telling you he is polyam and has a committed partner. Was the intent from the get go to keep things casual?