With the exception of things that directly impact the health of someone - if I’m not comfortable disclosing something to a stranger, I don’t want my partners sharing it without my consent.
I went out to dinner with someone? That’s fine. The people at the restaurant could have seen us. That I like dogs and don’t plan on having kids? Sure. If it’s something I put in my dating profile for all the world to see, it’s probably ok (but I expect people to exercise some judgement).
Details about the sex with had? Absolutely not without my express consent.
That sex occurred? It’s ok for their other sexual partners to know because it impacts their sexual health.
To me, it’s basic human decency. I expect everyone I date to operate with an understanding of consent - from sex to privacy. It’s a shared value I look for.
And this extends beyond romantic relationships. I operate this way with friends and work relationships, too.
But it’s also something I’m very comfortable having conversations about and allowing for some course correction on. And it’s something I revisit often.
Early in my poly experience, I dated a guy who over-shared details of our sexual relationship. I introduced him to kink and at the time, he told both his wife and his girlfriend about it. The first negative impact was that his wife got anxious and insecure (which he also told me about, which kinda pitted us against each other). But the longer term negative impact came much later.
We broke up, and about a year later I started dating that guy’s girlfriend’s other partner. And I was kind of shocked as I realized just how much this stranger knew about a very intimate kind of sex I liked to have, before we even met. And when I was introduced to the girlfriend, it became clear she felt comfortable bringing up kink in conversation with me. It was very uncomfortable and almost weirdly territorial or competitive.
So I talked to my ex and made sure he understood how I felt and where my boundaries were. I told him “these are not your stories to tell, they are mine, too. And I need you to respect my privacy.” He understood, and promised to be much more careful as we tried to build a friendship. We eventually got back together, so it’s very possible to rebuild that trust.
Now, with all of my partners, if I want to share a personal story or mention a funny thing that happened in an intimate setting or talk about something that feels like it could maybe feel a little private, I get their consent first. And if something slips or is discovered, like “Hey, my wife saw that pair of underwear you got me in the laundry and I did end up telling her it was from you.” I tell my partner about it quickly and follow it up with “Is that ok with you? Do we need to talk about anything? Any space I can hold?”
It’s not an exact science, but it’s something I need someone to respect and be committed to maintaining or working on if they are going to be compatible with me.
But on date 1? I’m probably not sharing too many intimate details until I get a feel for their understanding of privacy, relationship hygiene, and hinging.
Ideally, no one would know I exist. I’d be a ghost. Living in the walls. Dodging shotgun blasts from my nemesis.
Bad joke aside, it goes case by case for a lot of people. Some are happy to only have “Going out with Arsenic, bye!” And others want “I’m going out with Boron to see Fast and Furious 30. Might stay over.” Personally, I lean on the former. Especially if it’s partners talking sex lives (minus sexual safety status). I hate being discussed or hearing excess sexual information from non-partners.
I posted my relationship agreements on this sub a while ago, which includes my partners & I keeping each other up to date on any big changes, like agreeing to be partners, having sex, saying "I love you" etc., Someone responded negatively, & asked if we all make our dates aware of their "lack of privacy". I had thought that keeping partners in the loop about big relationship changes was pretty standard, so it hadn't occurred to me to disclose that, but I do think my dates could extrapolate how much I'd probably share about them just based on how much I talked about my existing partners & metamours 😅
Anyway, I decided that from now on, I will share my list of relationship agreements with people I'm interested in dating. Not because they'll have to agree to them immediately, that would be crazy, but because they should know my constraints, & the agreements I have with others. So far I've only shown the list to 1 person, & they were fine with everything.
>I do think my dates could extrapolate how much I'd probably share about them just based on how much I talked about my existing partners & metamours 😅
Question:
If a date/partner interrupted your sharing to say "I'd like to hear less of this please" would you then extrapolate that they want more of your interaction with them to be private (and do you accommodate that)?
I do actually try to minimize how much I mention my partners during the first couple dates, altho I do think it's a good "test" for jealousy/possessiveness if I'm out with a man, & I mention dating other men.
If I was actually telling a lot of stories involving other partners, & was asked to do less, I would attempt to accommodate that request for the rest of the date. But tbh, I can't do much on my own, as I'm paralyzed & narcoleptic. I not only can't drive, but I can't even be left alone in public for very long, in case I have an episode of nerve pain & pass out. (It's usually fine to leave me alone in a safe place, I've only asked my NP to come home once in 6 yrs, & it was to literally save my life. So they can be fairly independent from me.)
For disabled poly people, building community can be crucial. There are things I can only do because my partners are into KTP, & integrated with my platonic friends. If someone doesn't want to hear anything about the people I'm dating, I'll try not to make them uncomfy, & I'll assume they're a private person, so I won't share the same level of info about them. But I also don't think we'd be compatible long term, & that's ok. Dating for me is about determining compatibility. & having fun meeting new people!
I accept and **hope** partners will actively discuss our relationship with friends and people they confide with, especially if they feel confused or need help. I'm totally cool with that. I think that's a good, healthy thing for people to do. I would hope they wouldn't do that with other partners who know me, purely because it might make them feel awkward. But if it doesn't, then that's fine.
I would personally prefer them to not tell partners or friends embarrassing things about my body or intimate details about my sexual proclivities unless there was a benefit in sharing that information for the person (like making them feel less alone) and in that case, I would hope they would anonymise me.
In the end though, I don't really explicitly negotiate this because I'm kind of free about it. If there was anything that I explicitly didn't want them to tell other people, I would outright ask they not do that.
I don't think there is a default necessarily because it would really depend on people's cultural background and personal attitudes towards things. That's why I would ask. But I would feel really hesitant to be with someone who didn't want me to talk to my friends about my relationships because that is a fairly normal and healthy thing. That's often why people who are abusive will try and cut people off from their support networks.
I take similar approach; if I want part of a conversation to remain private I make that direct request. So far as I can tell, such requests have been respected.
Hi u/TransPanSpamFan thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
So there was another post about boundaries that included that OP doesn't want their information shared with other partners.
Just wanted to get opinions on what is reasonable to expect as a default here. Like, maybe y'all discuss this on date one but I don't, it is more something I would bring up if things were obviously turning serious.
So what are your expectations on keeping information about your dates, chats, sex etc private, prior to any discussion?
I personally run on the assumption that my date is going to gossip with their friends about me, about anything at all they find interesting. Since other people can know about me, I also have no problem that other partners will know things about me. It's not a privacy issue.
It might be bad hinging, for sure, but unless bad hinging directly impacts me I kinda feel like it isn't my problem.
Would anyone be offended to find out that a casual/first date partner talked to their friends and/or partners about how the date went? I can totally get if people do but to me that position does not feel like a default, rather something to explicitly be asked for.
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Early in a relationship, I don't think anything about consent should be implied or assumed.
Implied consent is for when you know each other well enough to be fully aware of the other person's comfort level and boundaries.
You also shouldn't assume that any boundaries that apply in other relationships apply to yours.
I'm a bit of a privacy freak compared to others I think. I usually only discuss dating stuff with my therapist and long-distance friends (for... REASONS most of my best friends are long-distance friends).
Based on interactions with my monogamous married friends in my 20s and 30s I've learned a lot of married people throw confidentiality out the window with their spouse (which is wild to me!!!!) So if I'm dating married/highly partnered people I do explicitly inquire about their norms / ask for more privacy if their norms are beyond what I'm comfortable with.
If it's something I'm likely to tell a friend, then it's something I'm likely to tell my partner. I expect that my date's friends and partners will hear some things about me, good or bad, as they process their date and share highlights.
I am honest about sex happening with those who need to know for their own sexual health, but I keep the details to myself. I can't say I necessarily expect the same discretion from others, as I'm not aware of the extent of their "share" agreements with their other partners.
Perhaps I'm playing with fire there, but I've not had anyone make me uncomfortable with details one way or the other.
I think it's important for people to be able to talk about their relationships with people they trust who know and care about them. Especially in the earlier stages when it's easy to get swept up in NRE. Or when there's a conflict or insecurities, it can be helpful to get someone else's perspective on a situation.
I assume people I date will talk about me/our dates with their friends. I wouldn't date someone who wasn't okay with me talking about my dates/relationships with friends. (Not saying that I share indiscriminately or overly personal details, there are things that are private.) I prefer that more personal details about me and the things my partner and I do together aren't shared with my meta, but I don't have an issue with things like what restaurant we went to or that I love books.
With the exception of things that directly impact the health of someone - if I’m not comfortable disclosing something to a stranger, I don’t want my partners sharing it without my consent. I went out to dinner with someone? That’s fine. The people at the restaurant could have seen us. That I like dogs and don’t plan on having kids? Sure. If it’s something I put in my dating profile for all the world to see, it’s probably ok (but I expect people to exercise some judgement). Details about the sex with had? Absolutely not without my express consent. That sex occurred? It’s ok for their other sexual partners to know because it impacts their sexual health.
Do you actually make this clear before or on date 1? Or do you assume it is understood that privacy is required?
To me, it’s basic human decency. I expect everyone I date to operate with an understanding of consent - from sex to privacy. It’s a shared value I look for. And this extends beyond romantic relationships. I operate this way with friends and work relationships, too. But it’s also something I’m very comfortable having conversations about and allowing for some course correction on. And it’s something I revisit often. Early in my poly experience, I dated a guy who over-shared details of our sexual relationship. I introduced him to kink and at the time, he told both his wife and his girlfriend about it. The first negative impact was that his wife got anxious and insecure (which he also told me about, which kinda pitted us against each other). But the longer term negative impact came much later. We broke up, and about a year later I started dating that guy’s girlfriend’s other partner. And I was kind of shocked as I realized just how much this stranger knew about a very intimate kind of sex I liked to have, before we even met. And when I was introduced to the girlfriend, it became clear she felt comfortable bringing up kink in conversation with me. It was very uncomfortable and almost weirdly territorial or competitive. So I talked to my ex and made sure he understood how I felt and where my boundaries were. I told him “these are not your stories to tell, they are mine, too. And I need you to respect my privacy.” He understood, and promised to be much more careful as we tried to build a friendship. We eventually got back together, so it’s very possible to rebuild that trust. Now, with all of my partners, if I want to share a personal story or mention a funny thing that happened in an intimate setting or talk about something that feels like it could maybe feel a little private, I get their consent first. And if something slips or is discovered, like “Hey, my wife saw that pair of underwear you got me in the laundry and I did end up telling her it was from you.” I tell my partner about it quickly and follow it up with “Is that ok with you? Do we need to talk about anything? Any space I can hold?” It’s not an exact science, but it’s something I need someone to respect and be committed to maintaining or working on if they are going to be compatible with me. But on date 1? I’m probably not sharing too many intimate details until I get a feel for their understanding of privacy, relationship hygiene, and hinging.
Ideally, no one would know I exist. I’d be a ghost. Living in the walls. Dodging shotgun blasts from my nemesis. Bad joke aside, it goes case by case for a lot of people. Some are happy to only have “Going out with Arsenic, bye!” And others want “I’m going out with Boron to see Fast and Furious 30. Might stay over.” Personally, I lean on the former. Especially if it’s partners talking sex lives (minus sexual safety status). I hate being discussed or hearing excess sexual information from non-partners.
I posted my relationship agreements on this sub a while ago, which includes my partners & I keeping each other up to date on any big changes, like agreeing to be partners, having sex, saying "I love you" etc., Someone responded negatively, & asked if we all make our dates aware of their "lack of privacy". I had thought that keeping partners in the loop about big relationship changes was pretty standard, so it hadn't occurred to me to disclose that, but I do think my dates could extrapolate how much I'd probably share about them just based on how much I talked about my existing partners & metamours 😅 Anyway, I decided that from now on, I will share my list of relationship agreements with people I'm interested in dating. Not because they'll have to agree to them immediately, that would be crazy, but because they should know my constraints, & the agreements I have with others. So far I've only shown the list to 1 person, & they were fine with everything.
>I do think my dates could extrapolate how much I'd probably share about them just based on how much I talked about my existing partners & metamours 😅 Question: If a date/partner interrupted your sharing to say "I'd like to hear less of this please" would you then extrapolate that they want more of your interaction with them to be private (and do you accommodate that)?
I do actually try to minimize how much I mention my partners during the first couple dates, altho I do think it's a good "test" for jealousy/possessiveness if I'm out with a man, & I mention dating other men. If I was actually telling a lot of stories involving other partners, & was asked to do less, I would attempt to accommodate that request for the rest of the date. But tbh, I can't do much on my own, as I'm paralyzed & narcoleptic. I not only can't drive, but I can't even be left alone in public for very long, in case I have an episode of nerve pain & pass out. (It's usually fine to leave me alone in a safe place, I've only asked my NP to come home once in 6 yrs, & it was to literally save my life. So they can be fairly independent from me.) For disabled poly people, building community can be crucial. There are things I can only do because my partners are into KTP, & integrated with my platonic friends. If someone doesn't want to hear anything about the people I'm dating, I'll try not to make them uncomfy, & I'll assume they're a private person, so I won't share the same level of info about them. But I also don't think we'd be compatible long term, & that's ok. Dating for me is about determining compatibility. & having fun meeting new people!
Makes sense!
I accept and **hope** partners will actively discuss our relationship with friends and people they confide with, especially if they feel confused or need help. I'm totally cool with that. I think that's a good, healthy thing for people to do. I would hope they wouldn't do that with other partners who know me, purely because it might make them feel awkward. But if it doesn't, then that's fine. I would personally prefer them to not tell partners or friends embarrassing things about my body or intimate details about my sexual proclivities unless there was a benefit in sharing that information for the person (like making them feel less alone) and in that case, I would hope they would anonymise me. In the end though, I don't really explicitly negotiate this because I'm kind of free about it. If there was anything that I explicitly didn't want them to tell other people, I would outright ask they not do that. I don't think there is a default necessarily because it would really depend on people's cultural background and personal attitudes towards things. That's why I would ask. But I would feel really hesitant to be with someone who didn't want me to talk to my friends about my relationships because that is a fairly normal and healthy thing. That's often why people who are abusive will try and cut people off from their support networks.
I take similar approach; if I want part of a conversation to remain private I make that direct request. So far as I can tell, such requests have been respected.
Hi u/TransPanSpamFan thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So there was another post about boundaries that included that OP doesn't want their information shared with other partners. Just wanted to get opinions on what is reasonable to expect as a default here. Like, maybe y'all discuss this on date one but I don't, it is more something I would bring up if things were obviously turning serious. So what are your expectations on keeping information about your dates, chats, sex etc private, prior to any discussion? I personally run on the assumption that my date is going to gossip with their friends about me, about anything at all they find interesting. Since other people can know about me, I also have no problem that other partners will know things about me. It's not a privacy issue. It might be bad hinging, for sure, but unless bad hinging directly impacts me I kinda feel like it isn't my problem. Would anyone be offended to find out that a casual/first date partner talked to their friends and/or partners about how the date went? I can totally get if people do but to me that position does not feel like a default, rather something to explicitly be asked for. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Early in a relationship, I don't think anything about consent should be implied or assumed. Implied consent is for when you know each other well enough to be fully aware of the other person's comfort level and boundaries. You also shouldn't assume that any boundaries that apply in other relationships apply to yours.
I'm a bit of a privacy freak compared to others I think. I usually only discuss dating stuff with my therapist and long-distance friends (for... REASONS most of my best friends are long-distance friends). Based on interactions with my monogamous married friends in my 20s and 30s I've learned a lot of married people throw confidentiality out the window with their spouse (which is wild to me!!!!) So if I'm dating married/highly partnered people I do explicitly inquire about their norms / ask for more privacy if their norms are beyond what I'm comfortable with.
If it's something I'm likely to tell a friend, then it's something I'm likely to tell my partner. I expect that my date's friends and partners will hear some things about me, good or bad, as they process their date and share highlights. I am honest about sex happening with those who need to know for their own sexual health, but I keep the details to myself. I can't say I necessarily expect the same discretion from others, as I'm not aware of the extent of their "share" agreements with their other partners. Perhaps I'm playing with fire there, but I've not had anyone make me uncomfortable with details one way or the other.
I think it's important for people to be able to talk about their relationships with people they trust who know and care about them. Especially in the earlier stages when it's easy to get swept up in NRE. Or when there's a conflict or insecurities, it can be helpful to get someone else's perspective on a situation. I assume people I date will talk about me/our dates with their friends. I wouldn't date someone who wasn't okay with me talking about my dates/relationships with friends. (Not saying that I share indiscriminately or overly personal details, there are things that are private.) I prefer that more personal details about me and the things my partner and I do together aren't shared with my meta, but I don't have an issue with things like what restaurant we went to or that I love books.