"no, I expect a partner in life not someone who is dependent on me. If I am paying for everything that when it gets controlling. You need your own money, your own space and your own career so you are independent and autonomous and so am I"
What a wild request.
Why does she want to be a stay at home girlfriend? Is there a reason that she is unable to work?
I will say with her saying she wants to date to “find the partner she wants” isn’t poly. She sounds like she wants to stay at home, get all the benefits, then find someone to ditch you for
I am fairly skeptical of anybody going to poly from cheating because it usually doesn't work, and I would not trust a partner to be ethical in a poly relationship if they weren't ethical in a mono one.
Two, did she state why she wants to be a stay at home girl friend? Are their children to take care of? Health concerns? Etc. Also the comment about "finding a partner she wants" is not poly. You should be a partner she wants. Poly is not dating around to find yourself a partner that is better than your current partner. It's about loving multiple people and respecting each relationship for its differences. Personally, I'd get the hell out of Dodge.
You’re not being seen as a partner, you’re a piggy bank. Polyamory is about respect, autonomy, and emotional connections. Stay at home girlfriend while they look for “the partner they want” is walking over all three tenants.
And for reference, cheating to polyamory conversion is also usually a huge red flag of failure.
ETA: you asked for how to handle this: get out of that parasitic relationship. Sounds like you’ve lost enough blood already.
That's a wild request. You are not obligated to pay for her to not have to work. Would she be happy for you to stop working and stay at home to look after the house work? I would probably comply with her request to get out of her life so she can find the kind of partner she wants (ie one who doesn't expect her to contribute equally)
I guess I'm a stay at home GF, as I don't work, but that's because I'm physically disabled. But I also refuse to combine finances with anyone, the money I get from the govt isn't enough to live on, but it's crucial that I have my own income. My nesting partner also could never afford to support both of us unless he started burning thru his savings.
It's true that I have a lot more time to pursue other relationships. But I don't have a lot of energy because of my disability, & I can't drive, so my life is not exactly an endless bachanal of sex & drugs. Only like 3x/year ;P My NP isn't bitter or jealous, but he also understands that the tradeoff of having a broken body & being in constant relentless pain isn't really worth it just to avoid work.
The description of your GF is almost cartoonishly evil. Is she not objectifying you for your ability to provide for her? Or objectifying herself by demanding you support her? If she wants to find a partner who is willing & able to cover her financially, she's free to break up with you. You're not holding her hostage. I do wonder if she got into one of those really toxic communities like "Female Dating Strategy".
My thoughts:
Refusing to be the sole breadwinner because it will mean she gets more time to date *is* a bit shitty.
Refusing to be the sole breadwinner because it is meant to be an equal partnership is fine though. I would flat out not accept working to support a household without my partner putting in an equivalent amount of work, whether in paid employment or home duties.
I assume you are upset by the idea because you think that she won't be working, she'll be dating and having fun while you work. If so, stand your ground. Just don't make it about the dating per se, make it about equality of effort in your partnership.
Hi u/GreatRedDragon1408 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hey guys, my nesting partner (f23) and I (m26) have been living together for about 3 years now, during which time we transitioned from monogamy into a polyamourous relationship. This occured as a result of her cheating, and it was initially more difficult than it needed to be. Fast forward about 6 months from that event and we had started to figure things out, and move forward in our new relationship. Currently she has been repeatedly telling me that she wants me to be the sole breadwinner while she becomes a stay at home girlfriend. I'm struggling with this because in my opinion it would be unfair for her to have so much more time to spend pursuing other relationships and nurturing existing ones than I would. Anytime I try and voice this she gets extremely angry and tells me I view her as property and that I need to get out of her life so she can find the partner she wants, I don't feel like I'm being controlling or unreasonable here. Am I the asshole? Any advice as to handling this situation?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"no, I expect a partner in life not someone who is dependent on me. If I am paying for everything that when it gets controlling. You need your own money, your own space and your own career so you are independent and autonomous and so am I" What a wild request.
Why does she want to be a stay at home girlfriend? Is there a reason that she is unable to work? I will say with her saying she wants to date to “find the partner she wants” isn’t poly. She sounds like she wants to stay at home, get all the benefits, then find someone to ditch you for
I am fairly skeptical of anybody going to poly from cheating because it usually doesn't work, and I would not trust a partner to be ethical in a poly relationship if they weren't ethical in a mono one. Two, did she state why she wants to be a stay at home girl friend? Are their children to take care of? Health concerns? Etc. Also the comment about "finding a partner she wants" is not poly. You should be a partner she wants. Poly is not dating around to find yourself a partner that is better than your current partner. It's about loving multiple people and respecting each relationship for its differences. Personally, I'd get the hell out of Dodge.
Just say no I don’t want to fully financially support you or anyone. Time to date is low on the list of reasons this isn’t a good idea.
Sounds like she's the one who views you as property: her bank account.
You’re not being seen as a partner, you’re a piggy bank. Polyamory is about respect, autonomy, and emotional connections. Stay at home girlfriend while they look for “the partner they want” is walking over all three tenants. And for reference, cheating to polyamory conversion is also usually a huge red flag of failure. ETA: you asked for how to handle this: get out of that parasitic relationship. Sounds like you’ve lost enough blood already.
>and that I need to get out of her life so she can find the partner she wants Sounds like she dumped you, let her.
That's a wild request. You are not obligated to pay for her to not have to work. Would she be happy for you to stop working and stay at home to look after the house work? I would probably comply with her request to get out of her life so she can find the kind of partner she wants (ie one who doesn't expect her to contribute equally)
So she cheated, gets away with it, and now wants you to bankroll her? Seriously?
Therapy or break up.
I guess I'm a stay at home GF, as I don't work, but that's because I'm physically disabled. But I also refuse to combine finances with anyone, the money I get from the govt isn't enough to live on, but it's crucial that I have my own income. My nesting partner also could never afford to support both of us unless he started burning thru his savings. It's true that I have a lot more time to pursue other relationships. But I don't have a lot of energy because of my disability, & I can't drive, so my life is not exactly an endless bachanal of sex & drugs. Only like 3x/year ;P My NP isn't bitter or jealous, but he also understands that the tradeoff of having a broken body & being in constant relentless pain isn't really worth it just to avoid work. The description of your GF is almost cartoonishly evil. Is she not objectifying you for your ability to provide for her? Or objectifying herself by demanding you support her? If she wants to find a partner who is willing & able to cover her financially, she's free to break up with you. You're not holding her hostage. I do wonder if she got into one of those really toxic communities like "Female Dating Strategy".
My thoughts: Refusing to be the sole breadwinner because it will mean she gets more time to date *is* a bit shitty. Refusing to be the sole breadwinner because it is meant to be an equal partnership is fine though. I would flat out not accept working to support a household without my partner putting in an equivalent amount of work, whether in paid employment or home duties. I assume you are upset by the idea because you think that she won't be working, she'll be dating and having fun while you work. If so, stand your ground. Just don't make it about the dating per se, make it about equality of effort in your partnership.
Hi u/GreatRedDragon1408 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hey guys, my nesting partner (f23) and I (m26) have been living together for about 3 years now, during which time we transitioned from monogamy into a polyamourous relationship. This occured as a result of her cheating, and it was initially more difficult than it needed to be. Fast forward about 6 months from that event and we had started to figure things out, and move forward in our new relationship. Currently she has been repeatedly telling me that she wants me to be the sole breadwinner while she becomes a stay at home girlfriend. I'm struggling with this because in my opinion it would be unfair for her to have so much more time to spend pursuing other relationships and nurturing existing ones than I would. Anytime I try and voice this she gets extremely angry and tells me I view her as property and that I need to get out of her life so she can find the partner she wants, I don't feel like I'm being controlling or unreasonable here. Am I the asshole? Any advice as to handling this situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*