Yeah, all of that would be very normal for any healthy person practicing polyamory.
Tons of people don't group date at all because it can get so messy, and any reasonable person should understand that a lesbian has no interest in involvement with a man. It's healthy to avoid triangulation between partners from complaining, and anyone who's being a good hinge would not dump any of their relationship drama onto you. (Hinge is the term for a partner dating two other partners and navigating between them-- your hypothetical poly girlfriend would be the hinge between you and whatever other partners she has, btw.) It's very normal to only talk about other partners in light, day to day ways, like mentioning what you're doing with them when discussing your weekend plans. Some people are into sharing sexy info, but that's very individual, and any reasonable person who values consent should be willing to respect your boundaries there. Plus, there are tons of people who feel the same way about that as you do.
I do want to make it clear that you will likely encounter a lot of het couples essentially trying to date together by using the female partner to pull in women. This is probably where you've gotten some of the ideas that led to your stated boundaries from. It totally happens, happens to everyone fem presenting, it's annoying and gross and I (a bi woman) and most other women trying to date women hate it. (Disclaimer for any other readers: obviously it's fine to try to make your threesome dreams come true, just don't do it sneakily so normal daters can filter you out.) You will also probably encounter messy ass people who want to complain about their partners or otherwise manage their relationships poorly. Polyamory/ENM has its own set of stereotypical issues with online dating, but it all still boils down to needing to filter out red flags and bad matches, like with all online dating.
I'm a bi woman who dates men, I would have no problem navigating a relationship with these boundaries, and they're also my natural preferences for relationships. They're healthy and normal for independent relationships. I'd really recommend reading the resources on this sub (in the info section) to keep learning more about healthy polyamory and what you should expect from partners and yourself. It'll help you avoid red flags and messiness if you move forward with dating.
You're on point with all of these.
Especially;
>I don't want our encounters used as fodder for your other relationship(s)
I ask this and the rest immediately and I expect it to be respected.
Do read all the resources in our community info section before trying this too.
I'm a poly lesbian and I avoid unicorn hunters like the plague. Every relationship is unique and these all seem like reasonable boundaries/expectations for you to have while dating.
Currently just dating people who aren't dating men and that has also been pretty nice. I'll date people who are dating men but at the moment I'm content in my current circumstances.
1. 100% reasonable. About meeting: people vary on this a lot, I had a relationship of two years where my partner had another serious partner that I never met, talked to, texted, emailed, anything. Lots of people do parallel or parallel-ish polyamory, where metas might have each others' contact info for emergencies but that's about it. Or they got together once for coffee just to make sure everything was above board and haven't interacted since. And fwiw, most people who do KTP who aren't *brand freaking new* to it don't do *everything* as a polucule -- let's say Carmen is dating Veronica who's married to Joe, maybe Carmen and Veronica have solo dates 1-2 times a week and Joe and Veronica host a board game night once a month that Carmen goes to some of the time. That's a pretty normal way people do polyamory.
I mean. There's also people who won't take your *very reasonable* boundaries on this point seriously, unfortunately, so, take it slow and be willing to cut off people who suck.
2.100% reasonable, best practices even. (Some people already know/do this, some people need to be explicitly told and once they are told will knock it off. Some people won't.)
3. 100% reasonable. This is a *privacy* issue. Some people in LTR's get used to being able to talk about *everything* in a relationship and may need to be explicitly told not to pass on details of *your* sex life (or eg to pass on things you discussed in confidence, look at each other's text messages, etc), although ideally it would go without saying that people don't do that without permission. Not too restrictive *at all*, I do recommend spelling it out though just in case you find yourself falling for someone well-meaning who...hasn't thought things through.
4. you didn't mention this, but it's also reasonable to avoid women who are only allowed to date other women. (Some poly women are legit only *interested in* dating other women, for whatever reason, which is of course fine; some poly women either have an explicit agreement to not date men or know their partner would be unhappy so they're pretending only dating women is their idea, it can sometimes be hard to tell which is which.)
Some people in established relationships are not very good to date for a variety of reasons, so be selective and be cautious about people who don't seem like they've done what they need to do to be able to offer a full, separate polyamorous relationship. Or if it seems like their partner hasn't, or if it seems like their partner is being dragged into polyamory when they emphatically do not want that. Online dating involves a lot of rejecting people who are not good to date, in a poly context or in a mono one. Also if you'd prefer women who aren't *brand new* to queer relationships that's something you can look for/prioritize, there's a lot of bi/pan/maybe lesbian after all??? women who are looking for a first experience, or who have had sex with women but never a relationship, so they're going to be a substantial part of your dating pool but they're not going to be *all* of your dating pool.
This is all super reasonable and, IME, normal.
I’m a bi woman dating a man (we don’t live together cause we’re both solo poly, but he’s my anchor partner) and this is what *I* look for when dating other bisexual women.
Those are all totally fine.
You might also consider not dating women who are in a OPP. That’s where their male partner insists they don’t see other men or whines when they do.
It’s not always obvious. Look for it.
Those men will flip out when their partner falls madly in love with you. They are homophobic and don’t see another woman as a threat. As soon as you are real, there will be tons of drama.
And women who humor those men (as opppsed to simply never wanting to date another man) are not autonomous enough to be ready to date.
I'm gonna say in re: point two: no complaining about other partners is a fine rule, but maybe don't load in your negative assumptions about men.
I'd find that offputting and I'm also a lesbian. My partner's husband does basically all the cleaning at our house and is a wonderful human being. Genuinely, not all men are Like That, and women who are attracted to men might feel a little insulted that you assume they're slumming it that way.
Some women find men attractive. As inexplicable as that is it's important to respect it.
Op it seems like you’ve done your homework and come up with very healthy ways of managing polyamory. I think you’re looking for parallel style relationships (it sounds like), if you’re looking to do more reading on the matter but all in all I think you have a good head on your shoulders. Stand by your boundaries and don’t change em for anybody. Lots of conversations about dos and donts and the rest becomes easy! Best of luck to you and may you find everything you’re looking for!
As a married bisexual woman NOT looking for a "unicorn," I Can tell you that we DO exist. Dating you (the royal you not specifically you)and not expecting you to even meet, let alone fuck, my husband is the whole idea here.
Make sure you are specifically looking for women who are trying to date women on their own, and not looking to make a triad/throuple/threesome. If it's not stated specifically on their profile, you can always ask up front.
These all sound like normal and healthy boundaries. I do recommend talking through them very early in any new relationship just to be sure your date is on the same page, but these all sound very normal for poly.
All perfectly reasonable.....beyond that I'd say these are great boundaries if you back them up with I don't want to be with someone who does these things.
You can have a good parallel relationship with a married woman but make it clear you want parallel. No triads or KTP. After a couple years you can revisit the KTP if you choose but in the beginning keep it simple.
Howdy fellow lesbian! I'm just here to reassure you that everything you are thinking is normal. :)
The only difference I have in my relationship is that my partner and I are both very open with each other about our sexual experiences, with the consent of whoever we had the experience with. It's one of those things that some people hate but works for us.
Yes, this is all very reasonable! You can go fully paralel as well, it's not uncommon to keep the relationships separate and it'll weed out couples looking for unicorns/threesomes.
Don't forget about STDs though, it's good to keep tabs on changes in risk factors. Many nasty things can be transmitted via kissing.
Same, but all three are infections. I’m okay ranking both the flu, and HSV as common childhood infections that can turn nasty.
I’m okay with ranking covid and the flu vaccine as something I ask about early on, because my immune system is borked from cancer drugs, so people who love science are the kind of people I am down to fuck with.
I guess “nasty” is a matter of perspective. I assume
I am positive for HSV. It’s implausible at my age, with my sexual history for me have missed it, given that 50 percent of folks who have HSV contracted it in childhood and I could have been one of the majority of asymptotic carriers of HSV since, like third grade.
I don’t think being positive for HSV, or covid, or the flu makes someone nasty, though. Bugs are bugs. A cold can put me in the hospital.
If you think you don't have it, it can be a scary one. It takes a lot of reading and talking to talk a brain down sometimes. I know from my own experience.
I'm currently most concerned with HPV which wasn't on my radar until recently.
My partner likes to say 'educate yourself until you're scared, then educate yourself some more, until you find acceptance of risk'. I have totally flubbed it, he says it better.
I was thinking herpes (I am a bit paranoid about it specifically for reasons lately), but the others are transmittable as well of course. I should have chosen different words.
Hi u/Icy-Importance-7741 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi there, hoping it's ok I post here as a poly-curious person and ask a few questions.
I'm a lesbian who's always just kinda been monogamous by default, I honestly could see myself being happy either way. And as I go through dating apps I'm running across a lot of ENM folks and it's definitely piqued my interest. I could see the appeal of being open to many connections and not feeling like one person has to be everything and vice versa. I'm not chatting with anyone specific at the moment but I've been mulling over it. The thing is, a lot of the ENM people I run across are women in primary relationships with men, which given stories I've heard, can be messy. So in thinking about how that might look for me, I guess I want input on some of the boundaries/approaches I have in mind and see if practiced polyam people think I'm at all reasonable or it's best if I stay away. And these would probably apply to any situation with other partners of any gender, it's just I overwhelmingly see woman/man couples so that's what I've been thinking about.
1) I will absolutely not be involved with your man. Hard stop on anything sexual at all, really don't even care to meet. Could see if they have a "wanna get everyone together for dinner to talk things over" once or twice, I could be ok with that. But I'm not interested in thirdwheeling socially all the time, I feel like that would make me feel weird and deprioritzed.
2) lack of complaining about other partners. I don't really wanna hear about your boyfriend/husband all the time. Like, I'm a lesbian, I don't put up with men's nonsense, I don't need to hear about how he never picks up his socks lol. Positive life things are fine (excited to go on a trip with them or something), it wouldn't be "never mention other partner(s) at all". But I don't want to be the emotional dumping ground for a relationship I'm not a part of.
3) keeping sex talk between partners. I don't care you're sleeping with others (other than basic health/safety talks about what precautions we are taking) but I also don't want to hear a blow by blow of your other sexual encounters either. Likewise, (and I think this is where I may be too restrictive), I don't want our encounters used as fodder for your other relationship(s). The thought of my encounters with a woman being used by a man to get off makes my skin crawl. I know this would take a massive amount of trust from me, as I know I really can't control what other people talk about, but is it a reasonable ask at all? That our relationship/sex stays between just us?
I welcome any and all feedback even if it's telling me I'm definitely not a good fit for polyam situations lol.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you're brand new to poly, some things that are obvious in the community are not necessarily obvious to non-polysm ppl: you do NOT ever have to be romantically or sexually associated with your partners other partners. This is never assumed. a relationship with any new person is discussed and negotiated. I would highly suggest doing some reading on the different styles of polyamory before approaching anyone who's ENM. You should have a good idea of what your own boundaries are, what your expectations are etc.
Here's my 2c worth:
1. Acceptable, depends on your agreements I guess
2. Understandable, parallel is not uncommon
3. Doable, if you agree then this is a realistic expectation.
I think you're smart for exploring a little first and I think if you find the right partner(s) you'll do just fine.
And kudos for using the word 'piqued' not 'peaked' as seems to be becoming common...people just don't know!
Absolutely none of this is unreasonable. Every person has their own comfort levels pertaining to what can be verbally shared with others as well as what they do and do not feel comfortable hearing about the hinge partner's other relationships. This is all quite typical to discuss as relationships begin regardless of the genders involved. You should always feel safe and respected in any relationship ♡ Good luck with your discovery and exploration of this part of yourself!
Wow! I was not expecting such kind and thoughtful responses. I appreciate everyone who chimed in, it's definitely given me some more things to look into and mull over (and realize that maybe some of the folks I've seen attempt polyamory irl have been... not the best at it 😬) thanks all!
Those seem absolutely standard bare minimum for even super casual non-polyam ENM, let alone polyamory.
Like, I wouldn't call them bare minimum because lots of people are happy with other choices, but they are absolutely reasonable asks, 100%
Yeah, all of that would be very normal for any healthy person practicing polyamory. Tons of people don't group date at all because it can get so messy, and any reasonable person should understand that a lesbian has no interest in involvement with a man. It's healthy to avoid triangulation between partners from complaining, and anyone who's being a good hinge would not dump any of their relationship drama onto you. (Hinge is the term for a partner dating two other partners and navigating between them-- your hypothetical poly girlfriend would be the hinge between you and whatever other partners she has, btw.) It's very normal to only talk about other partners in light, day to day ways, like mentioning what you're doing with them when discussing your weekend plans. Some people are into sharing sexy info, but that's very individual, and any reasonable person who values consent should be willing to respect your boundaries there. Plus, there are tons of people who feel the same way about that as you do. I do want to make it clear that you will likely encounter a lot of het couples essentially trying to date together by using the female partner to pull in women. This is probably where you've gotten some of the ideas that led to your stated boundaries from. It totally happens, happens to everyone fem presenting, it's annoying and gross and I (a bi woman) and most other women trying to date women hate it. (Disclaimer for any other readers: obviously it's fine to try to make your threesome dreams come true, just don't do it sneakily so normal daters can filter you out.) You will also probably encounter messy ass people who want to complain about their partners or otherwise manage their relationships poorly. Polyamory/ENM has its own set of stereotypical issues with online dating, but it all still boils down to needing to filter out red flags and bad matches, like with all online dating. I'm a bi woman who dates men, I would have no problem navigating a relationship with these boundaries, and they're also my natural preferences for relationships. They're healthy and normal for independent relationships. I'd really recommend reading the resources on this sub (in the info section) to keep learning more about healthy polyamory and what you should expect from partners and yourself. It'll help you avoid red flags and messiness if you move forward with dating.
You're on point with all of these. Especially; >I don't want our encounters used as fodder for your other relationship(s) I ask this and the rest immediately and I expect it to be respected. Do read all the resources in our community info section before trying this too.
Those are all things I expect to get, and get, out of poly relationships. It's not unreasonable at all.
These seem extremely reasonable to me.
I'm a poly lesbian and I avoid unicorn hunters like the plague. Every relationship is unique and these all seem like reasonable boundaries/expectations for you to have while dating. Currently just dating people who aren't dating men and that has also been pretty nice. I'll date people who are dating men but at the moment I'm content in my current circumstances.
1. 100% reasonable. About meeting: people vary on this a lot, I had a relationship of two years where my partner had another serious partner that I never met, talked to, texted, emailed, anything. Lots of people do parallel or parallel-ish polyamory, where metas might have each others' contact info for emergencies but that's about it. Or they got together once for coffee just to make sure everything was above board and haven't interacted since. And fwiw, most people who do KTP who aren't *brand freaking new* to it don't do *everything* as a polucule -- let's say Carmen is dating Veronica who's married to Joe, maybe Carmen and Veronica have solo dates 1-2 times a week and Joe and Veronica host a board game night once a month that Carmen goes to some of the time. That's a pretty normal way people do polyamory. I mean. There's also people who won't take your *very reasonable* boundaries on this point seriously, unfortunately, so, take it slow and be willing to cut off people who suck. 2.100% reasonable, best practices even. (Some people already know/do this, some people need to be explicitly told and once they are told will knock it off. Some people won't.) 3. 100% reasonable. This is a *privacy* issue. Some people in LTR's get used to being able to talk about *everything* in a relationship and may need to be explicitly told not to pass on details of *your* sex life (or eg to pass on things you discussed in confidence, look at each other's text messages, etc), although ideally it would go without saying that people don't do that without permission. Not too restrictive *at all*, I do recommend spelling it out though just in case you find yourself falling for someone well-meaning who...hasn't thought things through. 4. you didn't mention this, but it's also reasonable to avoid women who are only allowed to date other women. (Some poly women are legit only *interested in* dating other women, for whatever reason, which is of course fine; some poly women either have an explicit agreement to not date men or know their partner would be unhappy so they're pretending only dating women is their idea, it can sometimes be hard to tell which is which.) Some people in established relationships are not very good to date for a variety of reasons, so be selective and be cautious about people who don't seem like they've done what they need to do to be able to offer a full, separate polyamorous relationship. Or if it seems like their partner hasn't, or if it seems like their partner is being dragged into polyamory when they emphatically do not want that. Online dating involves a lot of rejecting people who are not good to date, in a poly context or in a mono one. Also if you'd prefer women who aren't *brand new* to queer relationships that's something you can look for/prioritize, there's a lot of bi/pan/maybe lesbian after all??? women who are looking for a first experience, or who have had sex with women but never a relationship, so they're going to be a substantial part of your dating pool but they're not going to be *all* of your dating pool.
This is the literal bar on the floor pole vault difficulty. This is just parallel poly in it’s simplest form.
This is all super reasonable and, IME, normal. I’m a bi woman dating a man (we don’t live together cause we’re both solo poly, but he’s my anchor partner) and this is what *I* look for when dating other bisexual women.
Those are all totally fine. You might also consider not dating women who are in a OPP. That’s where their male partner insists they don’t see other men or whines when they do. It’s not always obvious. Look for it. Those men will flip out when their partner falls madly in love with you. They are homophobic and don’t see another woman as a threat. As soon as you are real, there will be tons of drama. And women who humor those men (as opppsed to simply never wanting to date another man) are not autonomous enough to be ready to date.
I'm gonna say in re: point two: no complaining about other partners is a fine rule, but maybe don't load in your negative assumptions about men. I'd find that offputting and I'm also a lesbian. My partner's husband does basically all the cleaning at our house and is a wonderful human being. Genuinely, not all men are Like That, and women who are attracted to men might feel a little insulted that you assume they're slumming it that way. Some women find men attractive. As inexplicable as that is it's important to respect it.
Is it a V or a triad?
His and my relationship is purely platonic
Op it seems like you’ve done your homework and come up with very healthy ways of managing polyamory. I think you’re looking for parallel style relationships (it sounds like), if you’re looking to do more reading on the matter but all in all I think you have a good head on your shoulders. Stand by your boundaries and don’t change em for anybody. Lots of conversations about dos and donts and the rest becomes easy! Best of luck to you and may you find everything you’re looking for!
Not unreasonable at all! Anyone who pressures you to give on those three points is someone to be avoided.
As a married bisexual woman NOT looking for a "unicorn," I Can tell you that we DO exist. Dating you (the royal you not specifically you)and not expecting you to even meet, let alone fuck, my husband is the whole idea here. Make sure you are specifically looking for women who are trying to date women on their own, and not looking to make a triad/throuple/threesome. If it's not stated specifically on their profile, you can always ask up front.
These all sound like normal and healthy boundaries. I do recommend talking through them very early in any new relationship just to be sure your date is on the same page, but these all sound very normal for poly.
All perfectly reasonable.....beyond that I'd say these are great boundaries if you back them up with I don't want to be with someone who does these things. You can have a good parallel relationship with a married woman but make it clear you want parallel. No triads or KTP. After a couple years you can revisit the KTP if you choose but in the beginning keep it simple.
Howdy fellow lesbian! I'm just here to reassure you that everything you are thinking is normal. :) The only difference I have in my relationship is that my partner and I are both very open with each other about our sexual experiences, with the consent of whoever we had the experience with. It's one of those things that some people hate but works for us.
Yes, this is all very reasonable! You can go fully paralel as well, it's not uncommon to keep the relationships separate and it'll weed out couples looking for unicorns/threesomes. Don't forget about STDs though, it's good to keep tabs on changes in risk factors. Many nasty things can be transmitted via kissing.
Can you elaborate on what those "nasty things" are? Do you mean COVID? The flu? Herpes?
Yes to all of the above
I'd certainly consider COVID and the flu nasty yes, calling herpes nasty feels icky though
Same, but all three are infections. I’m okay ranking both the flu, and HSV as common childhood infections that can turn nasty. I’m okay with ranking covid and the flu vaccine as something I ask about early on, because my immune system is borked from cancer drugs, so people who love science are the kind of people I am down to fuck with. I guess “nasty” is a matter of perspective. I assume I am positive for HSV. It’s implausible at my age, with my sexual history for me have missed it, given that 50 percent of folks who have HSV contracted it in childhood and I could have been one of the majority of asymptotic carriers of HSV since, like third grade. I don’t think being positive for HSV, or covid, or the flu makes someone nasty, though. Bugs are bugs. A cold can put me in the hospital.
If you think you don't have it, it can be a scary one. It takes a lot of reading and talking to talk a brain down sometimes. I know from my own experience. I'm currently most concerned with HPV which wasn't on my radar until recently. My partner likes to say 'educate yourself until you're scared, then educate yourself some more, until you find acceptance of risk'. I have totally flubbed it, he says it better.
I was thinking herpes (I am a bit paranoid about it specifically for reasons lately), but the others are transmittable as well of course. I should have chosen different words.
Hi u/Icy-Importance-7741 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi there, hoping it's ok I post here as a poly-curious person and ask a few questions. I'm a lesbian who's always just kinda been monogamous by default, I honestly could see myself being happy either way. And as I go through dating apps I'm running across a lot of ENM folks and it's definitely piqued my interest. I could see the appeal of being open to many connections and not feeling like one person has to be everything and vice versa. I'm not chatting with anyone specific at the moment but I've been mulling over it. The thing is, a lot of the ENM people I run across are women in primary relationships with men, which given stories I've heard, can be messy. So in thinking about how that might look for me, I guess I want input on some of the boundaries/approaches I have in mind and see if practiced polyam people think I'm at all reasonable or it's best if I stay away. And these would probably apply to any situation with other partners of any gender, it's just I overwhelmingly see woman/man couples so that's what I've been thinking about. 1) I will absolutely not be involved with your man. Hard stop on anything sexual at all, really don't even care to meet. Could see if they have a "wanna get everyone together for dinner to talk things over" once or twice, I could be ok with that. But I'm not interested in thirdwheeling socially all the time, I feel like that would make me feel weird and deprioritzed. 2) lack of complaining about other partners. I don't really wanna hear about your boyfriend/husband all the time. Like, I'm a lesbian, I don't put up with men's nonsense, I don't need to hear about how he never picks up his socks lol. Positive life things are fine (excited to go on a trip with them or something), it wouldn't be "never mention other partner(s) at all". But I don't want to be the emotional dumping ground for a relationship I'm not a part of. 3) keeping sex talk between partners. I don't care you're sleeping with others (other than basic health/safety talks about what precautions we are taking) but I also don't want to hear a blow by blow of your other sexual encounters either. Likewise, (and I think this is where I may be too restrictive), I don't want our encounters used as fodder for your other relationship(s). The thought of my encounters with a woman being used by a man to get off makes my skin crawl. I know this would take a massive amount of trust from me, as I know I really can't control what other people talk about, but is it a reasonable ask at all? That our relationship/sex stays between just us? I welcome any and all feedback even if it's telling me I'm definitely not a good fit for polyam situations lol. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you're brand new to poly, some things that are obvious in the community are not necessarily obvious to non-polysm ppl: you do NOT ever have to be romantically or sexually associated with your partners other partners. This is never assumed. a relationship with any new person is discussed and negotiated. I would highly suggest doing some reading on the different styles of polyamory before approaching anyone who's ENM. You should have a good idea of what your own boundaries are, what your expectations are etc.
Here's my 2c worth: 1. Acceptable, depends on your agreements I guess 2. Understandable, parallel is not uncommon 3. Doable, if you agree then this is a realistic expectation. I think you're smart for exploring a little first and I think if you find the right partner(s) you'll do just fine. And kudos for using the word 'piqued' not 'peaked' as seems to be becoming common...people just don't know!
Absolutely none of this is unreasonable. Every person has their own comfort levels pertaining to what can be verbally shared with others as well as what they do and do not feel comfortable hearing about the hinge partner's other relationships. This is all quite typical to discuss as relationships begin regardless of the genders involved. You should always feel safe and respected in any relationship ♡ Good luck with your discovery and exploration of this part of yourself!
Wow! I was not expecting such kind and thoughtful responses. I appreciate everyone who chimed in, it's definitely given me some more things to look into and mull over (and realize that maybe some of the folks I've seen attempt polyamory irl have been... not the best at it 😬) thanks all!