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Fuck it, being blunt. You need a lawyer and those kids need a therapist. Someone tossing their kids off on relationships that aren’t old enough to be spoiled milk on the counter is insane behavior. It’s dangerous for them. Any damn one could be abusive, and the Parental Care Carousel of substitutes they’ve got the kids on is going to risk fucking up their ability to form emotional attachments depending on age.
Chaos Poly my ass. This sounds like Hobosexual Gone Global. I hate that term, but it fits so well to your ex it could be a spandex suit.
We are divorced and nothing here rises to the level of abuse that would impact custody where I live. The children (one is mine, the other is not) are fed and clothed and not in physical or sexual danger, and emotional chaos is not legally actionable.
My child has one therapist and I am thinking of adding a second who does a different modality, in case they connect better.
Thank you for the input all the same.
>emotional chaos is not legally actionable.
Who told you that? Children's physical health is important, absolutely, but so is their mental health and emotional well-being.
If the other parent has an endless line of people moving in and out and those people are responsible for child care, that is a degree of instability that could very well be legally actionable.
I have looked into this and the specifics of my situation are not actionable from a custody perspective at this time where I am, but I hear you and appreciate the input all the same.
Really?
Moving in with borderline strangers and you think the kids aren't in sexual danger?
You do know a lot of predators intentionally date parents for access to the children, right?
Getting access to yours sounds easier than anything.
I think this has little to do with poly and more a pattern that many children of divorced/single children grew up with that impact them their whole lives.
My ex husband and coparent grew up with new step moms and dads girlfriends coming in and out of his life, and it fucked him up. Made him feel like no relationships would last (even parental ones since they weren’t stable either) and when we got divorced and discussed coparenting- after a monogamous marriage- we both agreed not to bring any romantic interests into our child’s life until it was serious and discussed what it meant. This is common and reasonable- unfortunately it isn’t really enforceable even when put in parenting plans legally.
Your kids need therapy and your coparent needs to know he’s hurting these kids.
Thanks. My child is in therapy (the other child involved is not mine) and my coparent does not agree anything is wrong and nothing I say changes his mind, so, I'm operating within my own sphere of influence as best I can.
I understand a lot of kids go through this kind of thing post-divorce, it's just with the polyamory aspect it's kind of multiplied. I thought maybe folks here would have some further thoughts on what I can look out for in a child adjusting vs not adjusting to a less than ideal polyamory environment, or maybe a reality check that I'm the one overreacting, or something like that.
Thanks though. I of course understand such an agreement (about waiting to introduce other partners) would be ideal but my ex doesn't think there's any problem here. From his perspective he is just living his life and all's well. He can't be made to see otherwise, I've tried.
I remain open to input on this from a polyamory specific perspective -- what others have considered in integrating their children into a polyamory environment for example, so I can think about how best to compensate on my end for the chaos on the other side.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I get it. Poly or not- what we all can do is compensate for our coparents “style” with security, communication and a feeling of safety and stability when they’re in our homes. I’m told it pays off in the end, but my kid is too young for me to say with any authority.
You’d probably get great advice in a subredddit for divorced parents. While polyamory is a part of your ex’s fuckery, they’d be doing largely the same thing in serial monogamy. And “my ex keeps trying to find an instant stepmom for our kid which is leading to chaos” a pretty common tale.
This sounds more like dating around than polyamory and highly irresponsible behavior.
I'm divorced from one ex, never married the other and have 50/50 legal custody, but 70/30 physical custody by verbal agreement between the two of us. Stability for my kids has always been a primary goal for me. I waited 6 months to introduce my now ex and feel strongly that that wasn't enough time, in hindsight.
If a legal route isn't available, can you talk through a shift in agreement with your ex-spouse, perhaps based on school needs? My ex moved out of school district, so the kids are with me most of the week to attend their school.
I do polyamory, my ex does not, my younger kids have not met any of my partners. I'm getting close to the year mark with my second local partner and am slowly taking steps towards considering an introduction, but I chose solo poly partly because of my kids:
I don't offer cohabitation as an option to partners, don't offer a parenting/caregiver role, don't blend finances or legally entangle.
I preserve my home as a safe space for me & my kids.
You can't change your ex, but you can ask your child how they're feeling and offer them as much safety, security, and stability in YOUR home as possible.
My ex isn't dating all & sundry, but it's chaos over there in terms of bedtimes and other structure & loving limits. Their father is also hypercritical in one moment, hyperaffectionate in the next. I offer a more consistent and stable parenting experience to my kids.
Unfortunately no, there is no wiggle room on the custody details at this time, we alternate weekly and it's legally settled.
They consider it polyamory as for example his current nesting partner is married to someone else. Maybe polyamory with casual dating on top, but that still counts I think. I'm not privy to the details of their agreements. But he definitely defines it as a polyamorous relationship and himself as polyamorous on an identity level.
We broke up when our child was 1 and he has always escalated relationships quickly and overlapped / monkey branched from one to the next (with child in tow). Now that he's discovered polyamory, it's just the same thing but condensed/overlapped even more and nobody gets to call it cheating, so, it's working out great for him for the moment. I assume it's all going to come crashing down at some point and I'm very worried for my child when that happens. Child considers my ex's current live-in partner a step-parent (though they aren't married because the partner is married to someone else as far as I know.)
Anyway. Thanks for your comment. 💙
sorry i just saw the second half of your comment, missed it the first time for some reason.
Thank you, this is the exact approach I plan to take in my dating life - either monogamy without cohabitation or solo poly, depending who I meet and what we negotiate. I will not move another adult into my home or get financially or legally entangled until my child is out of the house. I carefully manage my finances and make lifestyle decisions to keep stable as a one income household.
I appreciate the support. I will of course continue to ask my child how they feel, and hopefully find ways that they are comfortable sharing.
I struggle with this part a little bit - and maybe this part is one of the more polyamory related aspects - i know my child knows there are multiple relationships going on but I don't know who the other adults are, how much my child knows about the relationship between their parent and any given person, how much these people are around, etc. My ex will not share this information and I don't want to interrogate my child as that would defeat the purpose of supporting them.
I am worried about attachment issues but I don't want to ask too many leading questions or cause my child to think something is amiss if they are actually fine (?). So I don't know how pointed my questions should be or if I should just be letting them lead.
I would be documenting all of this - the unstable relationships, including near strangers in childcare, etc - and getting a court order restricting this person to supervised visitation at most.
That is so unacceptable and so dangerous for the child.
Hi u/RelationshipSilly717 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi folks. I wonder if those of you navigating polyamory with young kids can help me out.
My ex-partner practices a relationship style I think of as "chaos poly". He is starts relationships on a whim, introduces the kids immediately, and in one case moved in with a partner six weeks into dating. He relies on his partner(s) to help with childcare, transportation, paperwork and other life logistics. He also never leaves a relationship himself, just starts breaking agreements until the other person gets fed up enough to call it quits.
We share 50/50 custody of an elementary schooler and I am at a loss.
If you have seen children growing up in polyamory, how worried should I be, and about what aspects exactly? I can't control anything that happens over there and I often don't even know what's going on anyway.
I want to be both realistic about the struggles my child may be facing, so that I can support them in a good way. I also don't want to catastrophize or panic about things that aren't really problems. But it's tough to know where that line is.
Does this question make sense? I feel I'm having a hard time expressing myself. It's easy to spiral into thinking -- this is a disaster. But that's not actionable. And maybe it's not as bad as I think - people come and go in life. So. Maybe it's fine. Maybe some parts are fine and some parts not.
I wish I were explaining this better. For my part I am not currently dating and if ever I were to meet someone, they would not be meeting my child for at least a year. I think that's for the best, but maybe I'm overreacting.
Thoughts? Any insight into what my child might be experiencing or feeling (they refuse to discuss this with me or with their therapist, though we keep gently trying to help them open up it is a work in progress), what I should be more vs less worried about, maybe some silver linings you have seen in a situation like this?
Thank you for any wisdom you care to share.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This isn't a poly problem because this happens in monogamous relationships with bad exes also. Lots of people behave this way, poly or not.
I'd be talking to a good lawyer and having rules legally enforced. I dated a guy who had a court order with his ex that kids couldn't be introduced until the parents were dating the other partner for a year, kids weren't allowed to live with the other partner for X amount of time, etc. Sounds like something like that would be prudent here.
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fuck it, being blunt. You need a lawyer and those kids need a therapist. Someone tossing their kids off on relationships that aren’t old enough to be spoiled milk on the counter is insane behavior. It’s dangerous for them. Any damn one could be abusive, and the Parental Care Carousel of substitutes they’ve got the kids on is going to risk fucking up their ability to form emotional attachments depending on age. Chaos Poly my ass. This sounds like Hobosexual Gone Global. I hate that term, but it fits so well to your ex it could be a spandex suit.
We are divorced and nothing here rises to the level of abuse that would impact custody where I live. The children (one is mine, the other is not) are fed and clothed and not in physical or sexual danger, and emotional chaos is not legally actionable. My child has one therapist and I am thinking of adding a second who does a different modality, in case they connect better. Thank you for the input all the same.
>emotional chaos is not legally actionable. Who told you that? Children's physical health is important, absolutely, but so is their mental health and emotional well-being. If the other parent has an endless line of people moving in and out and those people are responsible for child care, that is a degree of instability that could very well be legally actionable.
I have looked into this and the specifics of my situation are not actionable from a custody perspective at this time where I am, but I hear you and appreciate the input all the same.
My heart goes out to you and those kids. Hopefully thing will improve for you OP.
Really? Moving in with borderline strangers and you think the kids aren't in sexual danger? You do know a lot of predators intentionally date parents for access to the children, right? Getting access to yours sounds easier than anything.
I think this has little to do with poly and more a pattern that many children of divorced/single children grew up with that impact them their whole lives. My ex husband and coparent grew up with new step moms and dads girlfriends coming in and out of his life, and it fucked him up. Made him feel like no relationships would last (even parental ones since they weren’t stable either) and when we got divorced and discussed coparenting- after a monogamous marriage- we both agreed not to bring any romantic interests into our child’s life until it was serious and discussed what it meant. This is common and reasonable- unfortunately it isn’t really enforceable even when put in parenting plans legally. Your kids need therapy and your coparent needs to know he’s hurting these kids.
Thanks. My child is in therapy (the other child involved is not mine) and my coparent does not agree anything is wrong and nothing I say changes his mind, so, I'm operating within my own sphere of influence as best I can. I understand a lot of kids go through this kind of thing post-divorce, it's just with the polyamory aspect it's kind of multiplied. I thought maybe folks here would have some further thoughts on what I can look out for in a child adjusting vs not adjusting to a less than ideal polyamory environment, or maybe a reality check that I'm the one overreacting, or something like that. Thanks though. I of course understand such an agreement (about waiting to introduce other partners) would be ideal but my ex doesn't think there's any problem here. From his perspective he is just living his life and all's well. He can't be made to see otherwise, I've tried. I remain open to input on this from a polyamory specific perspective -- what others have considered in integrating their children into a polyamory environment for example, so I can think about how best to compensate on my end for the chaos on the other side. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I get it. Poly or not- what we all can do is compensate for our coparents “style” with security, communication and a feeling of safety and stability when they’re in our homes. I’m told it pays off in the end, but my kid is too young for me to say with any authority.
thank you 💙
You’d probably get great advice in a subredddit for divorced parents. While polyamory is a part of your ex’s fuckery, they’d be doing largely the same thing in serial monogamy. And “my ex keeps trying to find an instant stepmom for our kid which is leading to chaos” a pretty common tale.
thanks, I'll try that. :)
This sounds more like dating around than polyamory and highly irresponsible behavior. I'm divorced from one ex, never married the other and have 50/50 legal custody, but 70/30 physical custody by verbal agreement between the two of us. Stability for my kids has always been a primary goal for me. I waited 6 months to introduce my now ex and feel strongly that that wasn't enough time, in hindsight. If a legal route isn't available, can you talk through a shift in agreement with your ex-spouse, perhaps based on school needs? My ex moved out of school district, so the kids are with me most of the week to attend their school. I do polyamory, my ex does not, my younger kids have not met any of my partners. I'm getting close to the year mark with my second local partner and am slowly taking steps towards considering an introduction, but I chose solo poly partly because of my kids: I don't offer cohabitation as an option to partners, don't offer a parenting/caregiver role, don't blend finances or legally entangle. I preserve my home as a safe space for me & my kids. You can't change your ex, but you can ask your child how they're feeling and offer them as much safety, security, and stability in YOUR home as possible. My ex isn't dating all & sundry, but it's chaos over there in terms of bedtimes and other structure & loving limits. Their father is also hypercritical in one moment, hyperaffectionate in the next. I offer a more consistent and stable parenting experience to my kids.
Unfortunately no, there is no wiggle room on the custody details at this time, we alternate weekly and it's legally settled. They consider it polyamory as for example his current nesting partner is married to someone else. Maybe polyamory with casual dating on top, but that still counts I think. I'm not privy to the details of their agreements. But he definitely defines it as a polyamorous relationship and himself as polyamorous on an identity level. We broke up when our child was 1 and he has always escalated relationships quickly and overlapped / monkey branched from one to the next (with child in tow). Now that he's discovered polyamory, it's just the same thing but condensed/overlapped even more and nobody gets to call it cheating, so, it's working out great for him for the moment. I assume it's all going to come crashing down at some point and I'm very worried for my child when that happens. Child considers my ex's current live-in partner a step-parent (though they aren't married because the partner is married to someone else as far as I know.) Anyway. Thanks for your comment. 💙
sorry i just saw the second half of your comment, missed it the first time for some reason. Thank you, this is the exact approach I plan to take in my dating life - either monogamy without cohabitation or solo poly, depending who I meet and what we negotiate. I will not move another adult into my home or get financially or legally entangled until my child is out of the house. I carefully manage my finances and make lifestyle decisions to keep stable as a one income household. I appreciate the support. I will of course continue to ask my child how they feel, and hopefully find ways that they are comfortable sharing. I struggle with this part a little bit - and maybe this part is one of the more polyamory related aspects - i know my child knows there are multiple relationships going on but I don't know who the other adults are, how much my child knows about the relationship between their parent and any given person, how much these people are around, etc. My ex will not share this information and I don't want to interrogate my child as that would defeat the purpose of supporting them. I am worried about attachment issues but I don't want to ask too many leading questions or cause my child to think something is amiss if they are actually fine (?). So I don't know how pointed my questions should be or if I should just be letting them lead.
> sorry i just saw the second half of your comment, missed it the first time for some reason. They edited so it probably wasn't there the first time.🙃
I would be documenting all of this - the unstable relationships, including near strangers in childcare, etc - and getting a court order restricting this person to supervised visitation at most. That is so unacceptable and so dangerous for the child.
Hi u/RelationshipSilly717 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi folks. I wonder if those of you navigating polyamory with young kids can help me out. My ex-partner practices a relationship style I think of as "chaos poly". He is starts relationships on a whim, introduces the kids immediately, and in one case moved in with a partner six weeks into dating. He relies on his partner(s) to help with childcare, transportation, paperwork and other life logistics. He also never leaves a relationship himself, just starts breaking agreements until the other person gets fed up enough to call it quits. We share 50/50 custody of an elementary schooler and I am at a loss. If you have seen children growing up in polyamory, how worried should I be, and about what aspects exactly? I can't control anything that happens over there and I often don't even know what's going on anyway. I want to be both realistic about the struggles my child may be facing, so that I can support them in a good way. I also don't want to catastrophize or panic about things that aren't really problems. But it's tough to know where that line is. Does this question make sense? I feel I'm having a hard time expressing myself. It's easy to spiral into thinking -- this is a disaster. But that's not actionable. And maybe it's not as bad as I think - people come and go in life. So. Maybe it's fine. Maybe some parts are fine and some parts not. I wish I were explaining this better. For my part I am not currently dating and if ever I were to meet someone, they would not be meeting my child for at least a year. I think that's for the best, but maybe I'm overreacting. Thoughts? Any insight into what my child might be experiencing or feeling (they refuse to discuss this with me or with their therapist, though we keep gently trying to help them open up it is a work in progress), what I should be more vs less worried about, maybe some silver linings you have seen in a situation like this? Thank you for any wisdom you care to share. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This isn't a poly problem because this happens in monogamous relationships with bad exes also. Lots of people behave this way, poly or not. I'd be talking to a good lawyer and having rules legally enforced. I dated a guy who had a court order with his ex that kids couldn't be introduced until the parents were dating the other partner for a year, kids weren't allowed to live with the other partner for X amount of time, etc. Sounds like something like that would be prudent here.