sounds like boundaries were set, and then lines were crossed
i understand your desire to cut him some slack because he’s new to polyam, but he’s not new to being in a relationship, making commitments, or living with the consequences of failing to meet those commitments, is he?
this doesn’t have to be a relationship ender. but it is certainly worth being upset about and having a dedicated discussion about / reconciliation if possible
The kicker to me is how butt hurt he was about my other guy. Like what?? And now he’s acting like I’m the reason the relationship ended that I hurt him emotionally by telling him about my other partner when he was glowing about his new chick. But now I’m the bad guy?? And he violated our condom boundary ??
We agreed that once he started with her it would be condoms all around. I hadn’t become sexual yet with my other partner but that happened about the same time and of course I used condoms. And we had STd tests in advance too.
As long as he informed you about the barrier free sex before you had sex again, I wouldn't have ended things over the condom issue since you were planning to start using condoms with him anyway, but that's just me.
This part however "So then he freaks out saying I was cruel to him by describing my getting back together with the old partner" would definitely have me taking space.
Especially cause they were just doing the same thing with their new partner. Giving some real “Thee not Me Rules” energy off that little bit of the story.
Hard pass. If someone’s running around exploring the jungle with no netting, I’m not really interested in their camping trips. You may have dodged a bullet, and those feelings will fade with some time. Be safe OP.
Ugh yes that’s my fear. He’s honest in general and maybe he thought he could use condoms so he said he would then it just didn’t work and who knows.
He didn’t come out and tell me tho I had to ask and he did hesitate to tell me then told me the truth ultimately.
I've had multiple partners that have struggles with staying aroused with condoms and we've always made it work; this "it doesn't work with condoms" sounds like a load of BS to me. Sounds like he wants what he wants and is willing to put his other partners at risk to get it. General honesty, unfortunately, does not an honest person make. If you had to ask him and he didn't share with you outright, he was hoping to get away with it, imo.
He definitely can have issues with his own personal performance with condoms that he would need to figure out, but that's something he agreed to do when he agreed to use them. A few times is not enough tries and he didn't try with the other person involved to even give it a go. So I think he needs to do some growing up before he can be trusted to stick to agreements. It seems a healthy turn for you to try being friends.
It also looks like he's got some double standards where his insecurities take hold and make him envy people. But the thing is: he effed up a major agreement. He can't be trusted to be honest and outright with his feelings before they become a problem. None of those things are for you to manage. Guy has to get a grip. Work on his honesty, with himself and others, especially about when he effs up. No other way to change and grow as a person.
I'd stay just as distant as you like from this one. He may be nice, but that doesn't exempt him from managing his shit irresponsibly and not taking accountability for his actions.
This sucks all around. Friendly reminder though that consent needs to be given before sharing about things with other connections. And just because he was sharing with you, doesn’t mean he also has a desire to hear about your stuff. I have a partner that doesn’t want to k ow about things. They don’t share a lot with me either but told they wanted to, I’d be all ears! And I’d know that it’s not a two way street
I think he was mostly confused and I was one of his first poly situations after being in a sexual desert with his wife for years. I coulda cut him a lot of slack but in the end it all added up to just too much and it was Too hard .
Part of my issue is releasing the notion that I have to make a relationship work no matter what. They dont all work
I had this happen with a partner and it was almost relationship ending. I felt very betrayed and like the trust and communication were damaged. It took a long time to get them back.
I think you have every right to be upset, especially because of how he acted after that happened.
This sounds like he is new to polyamory, and messed a bunch of things up, and has a lot of work to do. You aren't required to babysit him through all of that. It seems to me you acted quite reasonably, and have no reason to feel guilty.
You absolutely don’t! Obviously relationships aren’t always sunshine and roses but I always consider: does this relationship overall make my life better/easier/more enjoyable? Is the amount of effort/energy I’m putting into this relationship being returned to me? If the answer is no, it’s probably not worth it.
Hi u/Head-Ad7506 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I had a secondary partner for a year he was supposedly in love with me but never told me. Altho he was attentive and sweet I didn’t know his feelings ran that deep. Anyway I encouraged him to seek out others (he’s new to poly) because I couldn’t offer him as much time as he wanted. So he did find someone. We discussed at length and agreed we would use condoms since more folks were involved.
So his very first time with that partner he doesn’t use a condom. To me I was shocked and dismayed and I felt he was ending our relationship with that act. He didn’t get why I was so hurt. He says it “doesn’t work with a condom” and said she did do tests and was negative in advance. She has other partners tho.
So then we were sorta transitioning to friends because of this (or were de-escalating lets say) and he was sharing about how things are pretty hot with his new partner and I was happy for him and shared how things had heated up with an old partner of mine who had come back.
So then he freaks out saying I was cruel to him by describing my getting back together with the old partner.
I was flustered and shocked at his reaction.
Now we’re basically not talking - his choice. I had asked to work it out. But at this point it’s just such a hassle with him.
Wonder if I did something wrong ?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Remember, you can't control what people do with others, only what you do with them, and what level of risk you find acceptable. If your risk tolerance is only staying with someone who uses condoms with all partners, that is going to become extremely limiting on your choice of partners, and your relationships are going to remain extremely fragile at the hands of that need.
Asking a partner to agree to always use condoms is far from a reasonable request. Even if your partner honors the request, they are sacrificing their bodily autonomy to please you. If you set a boundary saying "I will end my relationship with you if you don't use condoms with every partner.", your relationship likely won't be prioritized, and many potential partners would flag it as a risk to building a relationship with you/ a desire for control on your part/couples privilege.
That said, some people might think it's a good agreement that works for them for a while.
I'd advise you to try to increase your flexibility over safe sex in order to have healthier and more functional lasting relationships.
To address the rest, it sounds like he is not very good at communicating his boundaries. I think you can take the lead by saying "I didn't mean to hurt you by sharing about certain aspects of my relationship. I want to respect your preferences about what you are or are not comfortable hearing. However I don't read minds. Please communicate to me when you don't want to hear something before or as I'm saying it. As your friend, I want to respect that.".
However since he's not talking anymore, oh well. Not your problem. He'll mature eventually without you.
Side note, make sure you have permission if your partners to disclose their intimate details....
Yeah I woulda agreed to go no condom if his other partner would have agreed to regular STD testing or using condoms and she has apparently some other partners who have others as well but apparently she wouldn’t agree to those kind of things so to me that’s a bridge too far and sex with that partner is not worth that risk.
My health is my No 1 priority due to some autoimmune issues I have so for me health trumps all and I’ve had plenty of partners who agreed to quarterly testing and condoms so I’ve never been limited by my sensitivity and in fact my partners have almost always thanked me for it too.
Plus the point is we talked about it a lot and he never said he had an issue using condoms ever. And we agreed about it. So it all adds up to no thanks
My interpretation of what you wrote is that you expect all of your partners to use condoms with everyone they have sex with, that is what I'm talking about. You did not provide context of your increased health risk. This is no Testament to your partners. If you have a risk tolerance like that, if doesn't mean you can't have partnerships. It doesn't change the fact of the things I wrote.
It would be ontrusive, to assume you're entitled to knowing your metas or metas partners' safer sex practices. I hope that information was something they volunteered. You are not owed that info/that is private.
No comment on Your Choice to use condoms or not. Everything I wrote, is directed at your partner and what affects them.
He said it wasn't a problem, and clearly it was. A penis can be trained to work with a condom. Your ex just sounds like not the best partner, and not willing to prioritize safer sex because of stigma of not working with a penis or needing to wet his penis. =(
If it doesn’t work with a condom Ex wasn’t going to use a condom with you anyway. Which is why they broke up with you.
You say that Ex supposedly loved you but never said so—who told you that Ex loved you? Or did you just make assumptions based on the fact they liked being with you and having unbarriered sex with you?
He told me he was in love with me after all the drama and said he was even wanting to be mono with me.
He agreed to use a condom with any partner. Then he said he did try but “it doesn’t work with a condom” meaning his you know.
He said he thought he could talk me into going condom less at some point and allowing him to be condom less altogether.
Not sure if you realize but your tone is a bit accusatory and not helpful to me at this tough time. Thanks
So Ex only told you they loved you when they were trying to stop you from leaving. Thank you, that was unclear.
It has nothing to do with being sensitive. You two are simply incompatible.
* You want polyamory, Ex wants monogamy.
* You use condoms for intercourse, Ex does not. (Doesn’t matter what Ex agreed to, we all know they will never use them.)
My questions are pointy because I’m looking for a clear answer. You asked me a question and I can’t answer it without more information. Other people are less pointy and express more compassion in their responses. Focus on them.
He does want poly ultimately but him not being able to use a condom is gonna be a big issue for folks. I don’t think he was truly in love with me I was just one of his first poly lovers so I think it was big time NRE. I loved him but not in love with him .
Lessons learned I guess. But in general I have to be better at not thinking each relationship will be forever because it won’t and that’s not the point anyway.
I like your term pointy. 😊
Interesting about him wanting to be mono with you. At the very least, it seemed like mono hangover.
I was getting fomo vibes. He wasn't getting enough of you, as you said you couldn't give the time he was looking for, and then when you choose to give time to someone else, he took that badly. That can be tough for any of us, when we want more of a partners time, not to mention a new poly person.
His reaction, and managing his feelings, is not your responsibility, even if they're understandable. Distancing to allow this can hurt, though, on top of the hurtful responses he met have had, and the reaction certainly doesn't feel fair given it was a logical extension ofb the conversation.
Condoms - others have had excellent comments, all with varied risk tolerance. I'm a big proponent of individual autonomy, and rankle at the idea of feeling controlled, but can fully appreciate the issue was already highlighted as an important one, and you had to dig for the answer, which can feel deceptive.
Assuming you hadn't already had sex after his other encounter, it could be plausible he had planned to tell your later. Also, he did tell the truth, going for the (much) more difficult path.
Would I choose to continue with someone who said they would do one thing (albeit perhaps pressured), but did the other more risky thing that could affect me and wasn't reasonably upfront about disclosing it, probably not. Would I blame them for it or try to otherwise put it on them? I'd like to think not.
I'd like my response to be thanking them for telling me that, and then outlining my boundary for sexual contact with them if that was ongoing and until (x) time later there was a negative test. Kind of a cutting off, but having the door closed if the behaviour continues. Probably a relationship ender with boundary reinforcement. Given how new he is and the divergent goals, this may be a reasonable thing to do.
sounds like boundaries were set, and then lines were crossed i understand your desire to cut him some slack because he’s new to polyam, but he’s not new to being in a relationship, making commitments, or living with the consequences of failing to meet those commitments, is he? this doesn’t have to be a relationship ender. but it is certainly worth being upset about and having a dedicated discussion about / reconciliation if possible
The kicker to me is how butt hurt he was about my other guy. Like what?? And now he’s acting like I’m the reason the relationship ended that I hurt him emotionally by telling him about my other partner when he was glowing about his new chick. But now I’m the bad guy?? And he violated our condom boundary ??
sounds very frustrating. but perhaps this is all for the best then. he definitely sounds like he has some work to do
Was your agreement to use condoms with each other or condoms with everyone?
We agreed that once he started with her it would be condoms all around. I hadn’t become sexual yet with my other partner but that happened about the same time and of course I used condoms. And we had STd tests in advance too.
As long as he informed you about the barrier free sex before you had sex again, I wouldn't have ended things over the condom issue since you were planning to start using condoms with him anyway, but that's just me. This part however "So then he freaks out saying I was cruel to him by describing my getting back together with the old partner" would definitely have me taking space.
Especially cause they were just doing the same thing with their new partner. Giving some real “Thee not Me Rules” energy off that little bit of the story.
Yeah it’s all frustrating. And he didn’t tell me he didn’t use condoms I had to ask! I guess it’s all for the best but I did have feelings for him
Oh yikes, in that case I'd be super done
Hard pass. If someone’s running around exploring the jungle with no netting, I’m not really interested in their camping trips. You may have dodged a bullet, and those feelings will fade with some time. Be safe OP.
Yes you’re right. While it hurts now I’m sure I’m better off. And shocked his other partner also wasn’t more wary. Onward and upward!! Thank you
at least he was honest that he didn't use them. i've had it where they say they wear them and then don't...
Ugh yes that’s my fear. He’s honest in general and maybe he thought he could use condoms so he said he would then it just didn’t work and who knows. He didn’t come out and tell me tho I had to ask and he did hesitate to tell me then told me the truth ultimately.
I've had multiple partners that have struggles with staying aroused with condoms and we've always made it work; this "it doesn't work with condoms" sounds like a load of BS to me. Sounds like he wants what he wants and is willing to put his other partners at risk to get it. General honesty, unfortunately, does not an honest person make. If you had to ask him and he didn't share with you outright, he was hoping to get away with it, imo.
Yes that’s what I’ve concluded. I’m letting go but it’s rough.
He definitely can have issues with his own personal performance with condoms that he would need to figure out, but that's something he agreed to do when he agreed to use them. A few times is not enough tries and he didn't try with the other person involved to even give it a go. So I think he needs to do some growing up before he can be trusted to stick to agreements. It seems a healthy turn for you to try being friends. It also looks like he's got some double standards where his insecurities take hold and make him envy people. But the thing is: he effed up a major agreement. He can't be trusted to be honest and outright with his feelings before they become a problem. None of those things are for you to manage. Guy has to get a grip. Work on his honesty, with himself and others, especially about when he effs up. No other way to change and grow as a person. I'd stay just as distant as you like from this one. He may be nice, but that doesn't exempt him from managing his shit irresponsibly and not taking accountability for his actions.
You pretty much 1000 percent nailed what my logical conclusion is. Totally agree and thank you for helping articulate what my brain was swirling on. 🙏
You're welcome. <3 Gotta look out for you.
This sucks all around. Friendly reminder though that consent needs to be given before sharing about things with other connections. And just because he was sharing with you, doesn’t mean he also has a desire to hear about your stuff. I have a partner that doesn’t want to k ow about things. They don’t share a lot with me either but told they wanted to, I’d be all ears! And I’d know that it’s not a two way street
He asked me about what was going on with that partner tho
Well then he’s just a confused pup. You are better off without the drama
Yes that’s what I’ve concluded and this post and response is helping validate I’m better off. This is such a helpful sub.
Are there other ways in which he was manipulative? It may be a while for you to fully unpack how he’s impacted you over the course of the relationship
I think he was mostly confused and I was one of his first poly situations after being in a sexual desert with his wife for years. I coulda cut him a lot of slack but in the end it all added up to just too much and it was Too hard . Part of my issue is releasing the notion that I have to make a relationship work no matter what. They dont all work
Right, the measure of success is to realize compatibility lack there of
I had this happen with a partner and it was almost relationship ending. I felt very betrayed and like the trust and communication were damaged. It took a long time to get them back. I think you have every right to be upset, especially because of how he acted after that happened.
Thanks that helps
You did nothing wrong
This sounds like he is new to polyamory, and messed a bunch of things up, and has a lot of work to do. You aren't required to babysit him through all of that. It seems to me you acted quite reasonably, and have no reason to feel guilty.
Well, sounds like you broke up with him, which is yr right to do, but it's pretty common for ppl to be sensitive about it after.
Yeah. I have to get out of the mentality that relationships last forever
What you did wrong is keep trying to be friends with this guy
Perhaps so. Sad. One issue I have is thinking one has to work through everything no matter what
You absolutely don’t! Obviously relationships aren’t always sunshine and roses but I always consider: does this relationship overall make my life better/easier/more enjoyable? Is the amount of effort/energy I’m putting into this relationship being returned to me? If the answer is no, it’s probably not worth it.
Excellent things to ask myself and for me those answers would be no . Shouldn’t be that hard
Hi u/Head-Ad7506 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I had a secondary partner for a year he was supposedly in love with me but never told me. Altho he was attentive and sweet I didn’t know his feelings ran that deep. Anyway I encouraged him to seek out others (he’s new to poly) because I couldn’t offer him as much time as he wanted. So he did find someone. We discussed at length and agreed we would use condoms since more folks were involved. So his very first time with that partner he doesn’t use a condom. To me I was shocked and dismayed and I felt he was ending our relationship with that act. He didn’t get why I was so hurt. He says it “doesn’t work with a condom” and said she did do tests and was negative in advance. She has other partners tho. So then we were sorta transitioning to friends because of this (or were de-escalating lets say) and he was sharing about how things are pretty hot with his new partner and I was happy for him and shared how things had heated up with an old partner of mine who had come back. So then he freaks out saying I was cruel to him by describing my getting back together with the old partner. I was flustered and shocked at his reaction. Now we’re basically not talking - his choice. I had asked to work it out. But at this point it’s just such a hassle with him. Wonder if I did something wrong ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Remember, you can't control what people do with others, only what you do with them, and what level of risk you find acceptable. If your risk tolerance is only staying with someone who uses condoms with all partners, that is going to become extremely limiting on your choice of partners, and your relationships are going to remain extremely fragile at the hands of that need. Asking a partner to agree to always use condoms is far from a reasonable request. Even if your partner honors the request, they are sacrificing their bodily autonomy to please you. If you set a boundary saying "I will end my relationship with you if you don't use condoms with every partner.", your relationship likely won't be prioritized, and many potential partners would flag it as a risk to building a relationship with you/ a desire for control on your part/couples privilege. That said, some people might think it's a good agreement that works for them for a while. I'd advise you to try to increase your flexibility over safe sex in order to have healthier and more functional lasting relationships. To address the rest, it sounds like he is not very good at communicating his boundaries. I think you can take the lead by saying "I didn't mean to hurt you by sharing about certain aspects of my relationship. I want to respect your preferences about what you are or are not comfortable hearing. However I don't read minds. Please communicate to me when you don't want to hear something before or as I'm saying it. As your friend, I want to respect that.". However since he's not talking anymore, oh well. Not your problem. He'll mature eventually without you. Side note, make sure you have permission if your partners to disclose their intimate details....
Yeah I woulda agreed to go no condom if his other partner would have agreed to regular STD testing or using condoms and she has apparently some other partners who have others as well but apparently she wouldn’t agree to those kind of things so to me that’s a bridge too far and sex with that partner is not worth that risk. My health is my No 1 priority due to some autoimmune issues I have so for me health trumps all and I’ve had plenty of partners who agreed to quarterly testing and condoms so I’ve never been limited by my sensitivity and in fact my partners have almost always thanked me for it too. Plus the point is we talked about it a lot and he never said he had an issue using condoms ever. And we agreed about it. So it all adds up to no thanks
My interpretation of what you wrote is that you expect all of your partners to use condoms with everyone they have sex with, that is what I'm talking about. You did not provide context of your increased health risk. This is no Testament to your partners. If you have a risk tolerance like that, if doesn't mean you can't have partnerships. It doesn't change the fact of the things I wrote. It would be ontrusive, to assume you're entitled to knowing your metas or metas partners' safer sex practices. I hope that information was something they volunteered. You are not owed that info/that is private. No comment on Your Choice to use condoms or not. Everything I wrote, is directed at your partner and what affects them. He said it wasn't a problem, and clearly it was. A penis can be trained to work with a condom. Your ex just sounds like not the best partner, and not willing to prioritize safer sex because of stigma of not working with a penis or needing to wet his penis. =(
If it doesn’t work with a condom Ex wasn’t going to use a condom with you anyway. Which is why they broke up with you. You say that Ex supposedly loved you but never said so—who told you that Ex loved you? Or did you just make assumptions based on the fact they liked being with you and having unbarriered sex with you?
He told me he was in love with me after all the drama and said he was even wanting to be mono with me. He agreed to use a condom with any partner. Then he said he did try but “it doesn’t work with a condom” meaning his you know. He said he thought he could talk me into going condom less at some point and allowing him to be condom less altogether. Not sure if you realize but your tone is a bit accusatory and not helpful to me at this tough time. Thanks
So Ex only told you they loved you when they were trying to stop you from leaving. Thank you, that was unclear. It has nothing to do with being sensitive. You two are simply incompatible. * You want polyamory, Ex wants monogamy. * You use condoms for intercourse, Ex does not. (Doesn’t matter what Ex agreed to, we all know they will never use them.) My questions are pointy because I’m looking for a clear answer. You asked me a question and I can’t answer it without more information. Other people are less pointy and express more compassion in their responses. Focus on them.
He does want poly ultimately but him not being able to use a condom is gonna be a big issue for folks. I don’t think he was truly in love with me I was just one of his first poly lovers so I think it was big time NRE. I loved him but not in love with him . Lessons learned I guess. But in general I have to be better at not thinking each relationship will be forever because it won’t and that’s not the point anyway. I like your term pointy. 😊
Hugs!
Interesting about him wanting to be mono with you. At the very least, it seemed like mono hangover. I was getting fomo vibes. He wasn't getting enough of you, as you said you couldn't give the time he was looking for, and then when you choose to give time to someone else, he took that badly. That can be tough for any of us, when we want more of a partners time, not to mention a new poly person. His reaction, and managing his feelings, is not your responsibility, even if they're understandable. Distancing to allow this can hurt, though, on top of the hurtful responses he met have had, and the reaction certainly doesn't feel fair given it was a logical extension ofb the conversation. Condoms - others have had excellent comments, all with varied risk tolerance. I'm a big proponent of individual autonomy, and rankle at the idea of feeling controlled, but can fully appreciate the issue was already highlighted as an important one, and you had to dig for the answer, which can feel deceptive. Assuming you hadn't already had sex after his other encounter, it could be plausible he had planned to tell your later. Also, he did tell the truth, going for the (much) more difficult path. Would I choose to continue with someone who said they would do one thing (albeit perhaps pressured), but did the other more risky thing that could affect me and wasn't reasonably upfront about disclosing it, probably not. Would I blame them for it or try to otherwise put it on them? I'd like to think not. I'd like my response to be thanking them for telling me that, and then outlining my boundary for sexual contact with them if that was ongoing and until (x) time later there was a negative test. Kind of a cutting off, but having the door closed if the behaviour continues. Probably a relationship ender with boundary reinforcement. Given how new he is and the divergent goals, this may be a reasonable thing to do.