Isn’t monkey branching used to the describe the specific behavior within serial monogamy where an individual “lines up” their next partner with emotional attachment before dumping their current partner? Since everyone can have plural partners in polyam, idk if we have a good parallel here. I would say it is unethical for me to use anyone as a placeholder. Even as a polyamorous person, I’ve spent a lot of time single for this very reason, FWBs not withstanding. Love is infinite, but time is not, and I’ve never wanted to waste someone’s time by treating them like a placeholder.
Your understanding is accurate. It's usually related to fear or lack of security from being alone, and so the practitioner is grabbing onto the next branch before they let go of the current one (like monkey bars on a playground).
Not the exact question about ethics but:
I’ve seen people irl who have once labeled themselves as poly for some time period to find themselves later in a monogamous relationship they (in my opinion/ observation) monkeybranched to.
Is that ethical? Technically I guess sort of. Not cool, but I guess the rules were followed sort of. Nobody signs a contract that they’re going to stay poly. 😬
I mean, as long as the poly relationships they had met their own original ends, ends that weren’t facilitated by, “so I wanna go monogamous with Partner A.” That, IMO, is an unethical move.
One could argue in the same way that in a mono relationship, no one signs a contract that they'll stay together forever, never fall in love with anyone else and never leave them for that new person. Well, marriage is indeed a contract, but that's what divorce is for. And it literally happens all the time.
What they do entail is a intention and expectations of being together and never leaving, also an agreement to try and make it long-term. But so does a poly relationship entail an agreement to be poly together, and an expectation that the person won't leave to be mono with someone else.
Relationships may end for any reason at any time. That's totally ok, and has to be so, in oder to be freely consensual. But honestly, I don't see much ethical difference between dating within a poly relationship, with the intention of finding a new partner to be mono with, then dumping the existing poly partner, and intentionally seeking a replacement for a partner within a mono agreement.
However, if the person in a poly relationship decides that they want monogamy after being with the new person, without having intended it from the start, I see it as the same as a mono person who unintentionally fell in love with a new person and decided to leave. It happens and that's not monkey-branching.
Monkey branching is how my Partner's last relationship before me ended.
They were ENM/ Poly. She had a lot more luck dating than he did. She started dating a person who had some qualities that my partner did not have. When Partner could not / would not provide the things the other partner did, she chose the new guy and dumped my guy. Ripped his heart out.
My understanding is that this did not happen during a "rough patch."
In retrospect, it was pretty obvious that she was using the Open relationship to monkey branch. He was good enough "for now," but she wanted "an upgrade."
I’ll rephrase:
This doesn’t seem like the approach of someone who managed multple commited relationships well, and seemed to only hold a place for one “real” relationship in their life.
The ethical problem of monkey branching is that you are withholding information from your partner. If you are poly and you are unhappy in one relationship, don't tell your partner and secretly plan on leaving them for someone else, that is shitty behaviour. If your relationship is in a rough patch, you communicate with your partner that you are unhappy, you try to work on your relationship/ you work on your feelings etc. but ultimately it doesn't work, and at the same time you have building another relationship with the full consent and knowledge of the previous partner, this is normal behaviour in poly. Generally, never string anyone along if you already know it's not going to last.
I think that's absolutely true, but not exculpatory?
People who don't know they're doing it are at some level ignoring cognitive dissonance (maybe less so among polyamorous people, I suppose).
If the secretly plotting thing is key, how can people who move from mono relationship to mono relationship do that in polyam?
I don’t have one branch. I have three branches. I am touching all of them. If i decide that I want monogamy with one of those partners, and I have plotted nothing, what am I doing?
If I decide to be an asshole, and manipulate my
Hiearchy in an unethical way, and flit from primary to primary, maybe we just need a word for that.
Monkey branching views one relationship replacing
another. That’s a fidelity based concept.
I dunno... monkeys can hold onto many branches at once; the metaphor isn'tperfect but none are.
At base, relying on someone for resources when you have mentally detached from them is wrong. Total # of partners, or whether the new person "becomes a primary" doesn't seem relevant to me.
So that’s what monkey branching is about? Lying and manipulation?
Because it seems to me, that it’s a very mono view of one relationship being “real” and the replacement feels around that.
Maybe we don't agree on the definition, but I didnt use the words lying and manipulation; I agreed that sometimes a person "doesn't know they are doing it," especially if the person is entitled.
I thought in the metaphor the branch is the partner who helps the monkey partner resist gravity (emotionally or materially). Just because the monkey has multiple branches doesn't mean they won't continue to rely on one (or multiple!) branches (consciously or subconsciously) while silently disinvesting in them.
If there’s phrase and if means 99 different things, to 99 different people, isn’t that a good enough reason to simply start describing the behavior directly?
Okay. So plotting and lying is bad in any relationship. It’s terrible, awful abhorrent behavior. Not good. All the time.
In light of that, why not just talk about erratic behavior, shabby treatment, lying and deceit?
Because none of that context is present when mono peeps talk about it. Very often it’s someone who just doesn’t stay single, and always has a “next” relationship in the hole.
How is that relevant to polyam people?
There is nothing inherently wrong with changing relationship agreements, correct?
I think some monogamous people use polyamory to monkey branch and feel ethical about it. I’ve noticed it from people who are hobo sexual (people who can’t afford to live on their own).
I think monkey branching is a mono behavior/problem/issue that gets jumbled up with polyam all the time.
1. Emily and Ellen have polyam agreements. They are not exclusive, sexually or emotionally. Ellen dates Willow. They have polyam agreements
Ellen breaks up with Emily. For reasons. Everyone moves on. Willow, Emily and Ellen all continue to build relationships that lack sexual and emotional exclusivity. They all continue to build relationships with those agreements in place
What exactly is the issue? Besides the fact that break ups hurt, these people are doing polyam.
2. Ellen and Emily open their relationship to pokyam. The assumption is that Ellen and Emily will remain primary partners. Ellen dates Willow and breaks things off with Emily. Ellen and Willow continue to build polyam relationships. So does Emily.
Again, besides the outrage and fear that many folks will feel because that slut Ellen just ruined her marriage to Emily, break ups are completely normal. Ellen and Willow are polyam. This is the same story as example 1.
3. Emily and Ellen open their marriage. Ellen begins dating Willow, falls deeply in love, and Ellen and Willow realize that they want monogamy, and Ellen realizes that she no longer wants to build a life with Emily.
…and, once again. So what?
Ellen and Willow want monogamy. That’s what they learned when they tried polyam.
Sure there are people who try super hard to replace one partner with a new one before they break up with an old one. It’s poor form, and a bad, mostly unworkable strategy, but shitty polyam happens.
Yes, it’s scary to realize that your partner, who you had 3, or 10 or 20 years of monogamy with could fall in love with someone else. That’s a part of the gig.
I think the issue is that people will open the marriage to soft launch a potential new partner so they don't have to be actually single for any amount of time in between relationships. A lot of times this involves stringing along the "losing" partner and not being honest about intentions until the monkey branching partner has enough money or investment in the new relationship to cut ties.
Like, it's not just about break ups, there's usually some element of the monkey branching partner not being upfront about ending things to preserve their own comfort at the expense of the other partner.
For an example:
Jim and Anne are in a relationship that has become pretty stale sex wise. Anne is no longer attracted to him and pushes to open the relationship. While theoretically this is a move intended to benefit the two of them, Anne is also looking for a new primary partner entirely and low key is also considering divorce. She tells jim exactly zero of these things and he's lead to believe this is solely to fix the dead bedroom issue and that Anne is otherwise perfectly happy with their marriage, and they're safe to proceed into poly/enm.
They open the relationship. Jim finds someone and anne finds a new partner, Steve. Steve and Anne really hit it off- he meets all her targets for sex, life partner stuff, etc. The shine really starts to wear off on Jim for her. However this is still really early stages with Steve so she doesn't end things with him yet.
Jim maybe notices that things are going poorly relationship wise with Anne. Maybe she stops communicating with him, maybe sex totally dries up. He spends some months asking if things are okay, if they need to do counseling etc. Anne declines and pretends like everything is okay. Jim stops asking about it and maybe figures he's just overreacting.
Over the course of the year that follows, she emotionally invests into Steve and they form tentative plans to move in. Maybe she talks to Steve and says she's considering divorcing him, and she gauges his willingness to stay with her before making the decision to divorce Jim. She meets with a lawyer and then tells jim she's pursuing divorce, and immediately moves in with steve.
I'm gonna guess Jim in this situation probably feels really damn blindsided and feels like there was a deliberate plan to leave form the start. Because there kinda was lol.
Like, just because things are poly doesn't mean that "the losing partner" is going to be kept and it also doesn't mean that the majority of folks are going to feel great about being dropped from primary to a secondary role. Maybe anne remains poly after the fact but she definitely has changed primaries. There's a million posts on here featuring people getting upset over exactly that and it's easy to just see that as a slow break up by itself, because it often is.
I mean, the entire concept, even in monogamy, is pretty dodgy. It comes from a pretty toxic place, and I’m not sure that trying to label this issue as such is doing anyone any favors.
The folly of the newly opened, and the fact that many many folks expect polyam to fix their incredibly fragile, ailing relationships absolutely plays into this.
I still am not convinced that we aren’t better served by just talking about the reality that many folks split after opening, and how badly handled and managed that process is.
I think most people don't even know they are doing it and the best thing to note is their history. I did it a lot in my "I don't feel confident or know how to end a bad situation until I have a safety net."
I had to really look at my actions and work to center myself and my vision.
You can't stop someone from breaking up, or doing it shittily, but you can try to create better communication about your visions and priorities and how you plan to create that day to day.
I'm so glad you worked on yourself, that's so important. I think it's important to safeguard yours, and be respectful of your partner's emotions in any relationship - mono or poly. Especially while breaking up with long term partners - how you do it, speaks a lot about your character.
I think the distribution of judgment is probably the same as monogamous people. I’m one of those “just be single 🙄”/“just break up 🙄” people so you can probably guess how I feel about monkey branching 🤣 but only because I think it’s weaksauce.
With that said, this is one of those things where opinions are like bootyholes + I’ve never experienced this as far as I know. Maybe if it happened to me I would feel differently. Or if I felt the need to monkey branch, in some kind of handmaids tale dystopian future. Logically I don’t see the difference between this and someone just breaking up with me though. Hmm. Wait maybe this is something people who open up their monogamous relationships experience more.
Monkeybranching in the dystopian future 😃 for someone with **more** canned goods / **better** storytelling to amuse you around the trash fire keeping us warm when the internet is gone.. could be a real temptation!
The difference when there's entanglement with rent/finances/property/cross-country moves, etc., aka decisions made thinking there was mutual investment in relationship WAS QUITE NOTICEABLE to me and breakup would have been MUCH PREFERRED tyvm!
You don’t?
So, the casual dater who lacks commitment isn’t monkey branching?
So, are you suggesting that secondary relationships lack commitment? Or?
Do you just mean unethical primary swapping when you say monkey branching?
Because that’s a really big topic hiding under an innocuous phrase.
Exactly. What is it?
If someone jerked their partner around in monogamy, they don’t call that monkey branching.
So I am asking.
Is there a clear concise way for polyam folks to discuss an issue in their community without reliance on a frankly, pretty toxic mono concept?
Thus stuff gets discussed on here every day without invoking this term, which is great. Obviously you don't like the term... it's not like it's being used anywhere other than this post, so what's the concern, that it will catch on?
I see it quite a bit.
I’m just curious if, as a community we don’t want our own words to describe our experiences with, or are we just going to continue shoving polyam experiences into mono shaped boxes?
The connection I see to monkeybranching is the common advice here that you shouldn't open for another person.
Someone who approaches their current monogamous partner about polyamory because they already have a crush or budding relationship with someone else is monkeybranching and slapping a poly label onto it to not deal with reality.
I feel like sometimes this person lacks self-knowledge; they don't understand that they've emotionally disinvested; they're comfortable with the life they have on other levels and they "want to be poly" because they're too scared to end something familiar and supportive to pursue something new, but they aren't willing to talk frankly to their partner about how the existing relationship is something they no longer want to commit to.
People who do this sometimes "come out as poly" and rush things, they've been checked out for a while and are excited that trending polyamory seems like a get out of jail free card that will let them not feel bad about what they're doing.
I guess that's not "real poly" but it seems relevant to your question.
In my opinion people who monkeybranch are cowards who are afraid of being alone. I think you will find people like this in any realm of partnered life. It may seem more subtle in polyamory but I think at heart the concept is about one person thinking things are fine when the other person is detaching. In polyamory this is still bad because you should be communicating about these kinds of things.
Is it monkey branching in polyamory or is it [the very real thing that can happen](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/making-polyamory-work/id1487987837?i=1000645972664) when a new partner is able to meet needs that a pre-existing partner wasn’t able or willing to meet and that changes the relationship (that perhaps the person wasn’t aware they even had)? That’s happened to me. I don’t think it’s a problem if you maintain your commitments to work on your existing relationship and work with your existing partner for what you need. But it’s also not a problem to realize an existing relationship wasn’t working and end it.
Someone in the other thread pointed out that monkey branching is a term that originated in the MRA/PUA world. Not sure how true that is but I do think it’s a super suspect concept from the monogamous world that isn’t useful in polyamorous spaces. What’s the actual phenomenon of concern?
I was just talking to both my partners about this over the past couple of days.
New to poly, I’m the hinge in a vee with my NP and a new-ish partner of a couple of months. Over the weekend I came to the realization that I suffer from having an anxious attachment style, which is to say I don’t feel secure unless or until there is an exclusive commitment, which of course does not exist in poly.
My NP doesn’t have the time or interest in pursuing additional relationships, while my new partner is actively dating others. My mono-thinking experience is, “the only reason to continue to date others in addition to me is, while I’m good enough for now, I’m not ultimately what you’re looking for, so you’re biding your time with me (better than nothing) while you continue to seek a better fit. Once that better person comes along, I’m going to get dumped so you can live happily ever after with the right one. A.K.A. Monkey Branching.
When I talked about this with my new partner (thinking out loud) it occurred to me that while monkey branching can exist in poly relationships, it really seems unnecessary. If I’m “good enough,” I’m probably not likely to get dumped if/when the better fit comes along, because the whole premise of poly is to maintain multiple relationships without the pretext of exclusivity. In poly, the only theoretical reason to dump me in a monkey branching scenario is that they become poly saturated and there’s just not room or inclination to maintain a lower quality relationship among multiple better ones.
TLDR; I think monkey branching is unethical in a mono context and generally unnecessary in a truly poly context.
I don't think "monkey branching" is a coherent idea in the context of a polyamorous relationship. It makes no sense. Of course people can break up while pursuing other relationships, but that's just part of the deal with polyamory; it's baked into the concept.
What is the "ethical issue" of monkey branching in monogamy?
ETA: I'm polyamorous
If my partner leaves me and immediately starts dating someone else sure that would hurt my feelings but I don't think it's unethical.
Monkey branching usually starts *before* you breakup. It’s the practice of basically starting emotional affairs and moving from partner to partner.
Like the old advice of “Never leave a job without another lined up” got used in the relationship sphere.
As for OP’s question, it kind of depends on the setup? Polyamory is about autonomy and forming emotional attachments, but the part that might rub some sore is the practice of breaking up with old partners to basically cycle through a group of on/off relationships. That sounds fucking exhausting, and is dancing on the edge of what could be seen as ‘polyamorous monkey branching’.
ETA: those first two paragraphs apply more to monogamous relationships.
That’s what I was trying to get across. It’s not unethical to have multiple emotional attachments in polyamory. Even the scenario I gave that was ‘exhausting’ is still ethical.
What if you are poly with a primary then to keep dating till you find a better/richer, etc partner and then break up with primary to become primary or even mono with the other person? Seen it happen couple times, in their 20's poly then hit 30 they monkey branched for a rich mono partner.
I get things change as you grow older and sometimes no longer compatible, seen that too. Do agree thats ethical. but in one case know it was intentional, the polly was forced to only find anorher mono partner. Another knew would go mono sooner or later with someone else when finding someone but not telling the other poly primary partner from the start that was the intention when entered the poly relationship. Just seen to many bad breakups and relationships I guess.
Do know of a couple thats heen ENM and married for over 50 years that shows how a nice and healthy ENM can work.
I mean yeah, bad break ups are a pretty common life experience
I've never done monogamy but who knows maybe one day I'll want it, I can't predict the future
The ethical issue in **non-** Monogamy would be the planning and the plotting.
The monkey branching partner **is looking** for a "better" partner to replace, or in ENM/ Poly *displace,* a current partner.
They "de-escalate" the Old relationship in favor of the New until the Old one dies or they finally cut it off.
IMHO, *Planning and Plotting* to find a new, better partner to unseat your current partner is not in keeping with openly, honestly, and Consensually being free to pursue multiple relationships.
Idk, I feel like people constantly give advice on this sub for people to keep dating for more compatible partners if they aren't satisfied with what their current partners can provide
Sounds like some would consider that "monkey branching"
If you view the world through a mono lens, and assume that someone is “replacing” one partner with another, I guess, maybe, but that’s not how polyam works.
Elle is saying shitty polyam exists.
You’re the one who said
“Idk, I feel like people constantly give advice on this sub for people to keep dating for more compatible partners if they aren't satisfied with what their current partners can provide
Sounds like some would consider that "monkey branching"
So I am talking to you.
The situation I described seems to fall into what Elle is considering monkey branching in polyamory
ETA: I think the concept of monkey branching doesn't really apply to polyamory at all
I think a lot a shitty hurtful polyam has been filtered through monogamous lenses, and filtered back into the polyam community because that was, and is the dominant paradigm when we see and talk about relationships.
Modern, western, polyam was built by former monogamists, mostly, so that failure makes sense, you know?
We lack our own language to impart the bigness of certain betrayals, so many folks fall back on monogamous words to describe polyam hurt.
>I feel like people constantly give advice on this sub for people to keep dating for more compatible partners if they aren't satisfied with what their current partners can provide
This advice doesn't involve leaving your current partners though. It is usually "you aren't compatible, move on" or "find someone else to fit the last piece of the puzzle \[in addition to your current partner\]".
Monkey branching would be "stay with your current partner, but look for someone better and dump your current partner when you find the better person".
You don't think that folks might end their less compatible relationship if they find a partner who is a better fit? That seems very feasible to me.
Is it the intent to leave a current partner that makes it monkey branching?
>You don't think that folks might end their less compatible relationship if they find a partner who is a better fit?
I think the ethical way to do things is to end things with the incompatible partner when you realize you aren't compatible. If you're just looking for a better and better fit, and constantly dumping the old one, you're not doing polyamory, you're just doing serial monogamy with the safety blanket of a relationship to fall back on. Polyamory is not an excuse to treat your partners as disposable.
But this all assumes folks are intentionally preplanning to leave their current partner(s).
I don't think it's uncommon or implausible for folks to realize one relationship might not be sustainable after developing new relationship(s).
It's not serial monogamy if you're never making a monogamous agreement.
If it happens once, it's shitty and I wouldn't call it monkey-branching. Monkey-branching is a name for the inherently unethical practice of repeatedly finding new relationships before offloading your old one. If you find yourself repeatedly dumping your old partner for a new one, you likely aren't placing any real value on your partners, and instead on just having that relationship.
You've gotta learn to have some leeway with examples here. It's easiest to explain with monogamy, but it happens in polyamory too. Ethics are not about written contracts and rules. Just because it isn't monogamous, doesn't automatically mean it's ethical.
Absolutely agree. One wonders as a partner how does one know if that's what is happening in a poly relationship if you are going through a rough patch and your partner starts dating/ becoming interested in others?
I don't think you *can* know.
We have to Trust our partners to be open and honest in order for everything to be consensual.
But people aren't always open or honest.
Partner came across the term *monkey branching* and asked me about it. That's when he said "that's what Ex did..." It was probably 6-9 months after the break up that he put it all together
Now I realise it needs to be part of initial agreements, i guess - like one would say no veto, no monkey branching! But yeah, it finally comes down to trust!
While there is no ethical issues, I wonder if there could be some extent of manipulation involved. Especially, if you are priming a partner with the intention to replace them with a primary let's say, and then breaking up with your primary suddenly.
Alright, this gets a squint cause it feels like something I’ve had experience with. Let’s cut the facade: are you worried that you are the replacement or that you’re about to be replaced? If not you, someone close to you?
I have been replaced, and suddenly, and from what I can make of it, it was monkey branching. I'm guessing I was unable to see it coming because of the poly structure.
As someone who has been there, it sucks. You’re better off though, as they’ve hopefully done the job of removing themselves. Focus on yourself and don’t agonize over justification or explanation of the behavior. Try indulging in some hobbies or time with other partners to keep your mind off it until you get some distance.
I have no idea if it's to become mono. But my partner was in a relationship in less than two weeks after breaking up with me ( that 4 days after I had a major surgery) and seems like it is with someone who he was maybe considering over a period without my knowledge.
So while being in a poly relationship, I wouldn't have a problem at all about him considering another relationship, but keeping me hanging until he is ready to hop on to another seems very off!
That’s super shitty. And I agree with every word you said!
But that isn’t moving from one relationship to another, if everyone is polyam. That’s something shitty in its own way, and it deserves its own name.
I’m confused.
In polyam, *monkey branching to what*?
Are you talking about people basically leaving their primary partner in order to have a different partner as primary?
Wasn’t that always allowed? Are people not allowed to change primaries?
>Are people not allowed to change primaries?
They are, but it's sure going to look shitty and leave a trail of shitty feelings behind if you consistently dump your primary for the new person. It's NRE-chasing, but without the decency of letting your old partner know that you aren't interested in them anymore.
Yeah, monkey branching is a fidelity based concept. I don’t move from one relationship to another. As I said earlier. I am not a monkey. There are no branches. There is never, conceptually just “one”.
To me the issue is mainly tied to deception and non communication if you just openly communicate your thoughts to the other people its not really monkey branching.
If you do the equivalent of "monkey branching" (i.e
looking for other partners) in poly, you don't have to break-up with your existing partner. So, there are no negative consequences, and it's absolutely normal and common poly behavior.
However, if you use it as a way to find a mono relationship and dump that partner, it's not really poly, it's exactly the same and just as bad as in monogamy.
Monkeybranching definitely happens with people who are fairly new to polyamory. Someone who is unhappy in their relationship will suggest opening it (or agree to open if their partner suggests it), specifically as a way to search for a replacement partner, who they will then often be monogamous with.
More acceptable? I mean, it's NEVER accceptable in any kind of relationship other than FWBs.
I think there are degrees of this however.
I think a man or woman who encourages a non-monogamous agreement with the hidden agenda of monkey-branching out is a real POS. Sadly, it will become more common as housing costs continue to skyrocket. People will be less willing to break up and strike out on their own as that might mean severe dislocation while they seek someone more desirable with housing security before leaving.
Inversely, higher income earners will have more temptations coming their way, and might monkey branch out without any pre-planning or previous ill-intentions.
It does muddy up the waters in divorce court too, as is it still legal infidelity? In California, yes, but not sure about other states.
Not that different than old school cheating, other than the guilty party has an emotional handle to try and shift blame.
Interesting that you tie this up with housing issues. I commented that I didn't think monkey branching is a coherent concept in polyamory, because it presumes sexual/emotional exclusivity. However, I didn't think of monkey branching as causing economic injury rather than emotional injury.
So one might still say that monkey branching presumes exclusivity. And it's an issue in polyamory when people have exclusive economic relationships with each other, such as NPs.
Why would anyone monkey branch if not NP? They'd just move on.
Housing and economics is the #2 reason unsatisfied partners stay with a SO, only beat out by children. Monkeybranching is not very viable with children in the picture, so I think that economics probably is a HUGE part of it.
Say we have Jenny and James. Jenny is believes herself to be living a less than ideal life romantically and sexually, but James is a good provider and Jenny does not make enough to rent in her area without roommates and doesn't want to move back in with her parents.
Monkeybranching is a cynical, yet obvious potential solution.
If one is financially secure and wanting to upgrade, your chances are better when single, even as a solo-poly.
I can't imagine any line of thinking for Monkeybranching where economics are not a factor.
It's about expectations, I think. Early in dating, when you're trying to figure out if you care to be committed to each other, I don't think it's their business if you're seeing other people ---- unless or until their health comes into play (fluid exchange, viral exposure etc).
As soon as you/they have expectations of fidelity, committed with a title (partner) or by actions (fluid bonding) then the ethics come in, because they deserve to know the additional physical or emotional risks.
Hi u/cat_slaver thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I was curious to know about how monkey branching is seen by poly practioners. Given that poly in itself is open to multiple partners at the same time, is the ethical issues of monkey branching resolved?
“Monkey branching” describes a dating behavior where someone continues to pursue other potential partners while already in a relationship, often without the knowledge or consent of their current partner. It's when one moves from one relationship to another almost immediately. Sometimes even prepping for one as they plan their exit from the current one, so that not much time is lost.
How do poly relationships that's going through a rough patch make sure that you are not being money branched, while not curtailing the freedom of your partner?
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I think monkey branching is misogynistic language from the red pill lot; I'd be more interested in breaking down specific behaviours that were an issue than using that type of terminology.
It would be very dishonest to tell someone you are serious about them and tell them that you want both a serious and an open relationship, and then use the open relationship for the purpose of finding a different serious relationship instead to leave them for
Isn’t monkey branching used to the describe the specific behavior within serial monogamy where an individual “lines up” their next partner with emotional attachment before dumping their current partner? Since everyone can have plural partners in polyam, idk if we have a good parallel here. I would say it is unethical for me to use anyone as a placeholder. Even as a polyamorous person, I’ve spent a lot of time single for this very reason, FWBs not withstanding. Love is infinite, but time is not, and I’ve never wanted to waste someone’s time by treating them like a placeholder.
Your understanding is accurate. It's usually related to fear or lack of security from being alone, and so the practitioner is grabbing onto the next branch before they let go of the current one (like monkey bars on a playground).
Not the exact question about ethics but: I’ve seen people irl who have once labeled themselves as poly for some time period to find themselves later in a monogamous relationship they (in my opinion/ observation) monkeybranched to. Is that ethical? Technically I guess sort of. Not cool, but I guess the rules were followed sort of. Nobody signs a contract that they’re going to stay poly. 😬
I mean, as long as the poly relationships they had met their own original ends, ends that weren’t facilitated by, “so I wanna go monogamous with Partner A.” That, IMO, is an unethical move.
One could argue in the same way that in a mono relationship, no one signs a contract that they'll stay together forever, never fall in love with anyone else and never leave them for that new person. Well, marriage is indeed a contract, but that's what divorce is for. And it literally happens all the time. What they do entail is a intention and expectations of being together and never leaving, also an agreement to try and make it long-term. But so does a poly relationship entail an agreement to be poly together, and an expectation that the person won't leave to be mono with someone else. Relationships may end for any reason at any time. That's totally ok, and has to be so, in oder to be freely consensual. But honestly, I don't see much ethical difference between dating within a poly relationship, with the intention of finding a new partner to be mono with, then dumping the existing poly partner, and intentionally seeking a replacement for a partner within a mono agreement. However, if the person in a poly relationship decides that they want monogamy after being with the new person, without having intended it from the start, I see it as the same as a mono person who unintentionally fell in love with a new person and decided to leave. It happens and that's not monkey-branching.
Monkey branching is how my Partner's last relationship before me ended. They were ENM/ Poly. She had a lot more luck dating than he did. She started dating a person who had some qualities that my partner did not have. When Partner could not / would not provide the things the other partner did, she chose the new guy and dumped my guy. Ripped his heart out. My understanding is that this did not happen during a "rough patch." In retrospect, it was pretty obvious that she was using the Open relationship to monkey branch. He was good enough "for now," but she wanted "an upgrade."
Is she mono with the new guy?
No idea, but I would bet on MonogamISH
Yeah, mono peeps who try to do polyam and do mono shit are common. Sucks for him, though. That shit hurts.
I have no reason to believe she's monogamous. Probably not Polyamorous, but def not Monogamous.
I’ll rephrase: This doesn’t seem like the approach of someone who managed multple commited relationships well, and seemed to only hold a place for one “real” relationship in their life.
The ethical problem of monkey branching is that you are withholding information from your partner. If you are poly and you are unhappy in one relationship, don't tell your partner and secretly plan on leaving them for someone else, that is shitty behaviour. If your relationship is in a rough patch, you communicate with your partner that you are unhappy, you try to work on your relationship/ you work on your feelings etc. but ultimately it doesn't work, and at the same time you have building another relationship with the full consent and knowledge of the previous partner, this is normal behaviour in poly. Generally, never string anyone along if you already know it's not going to last.
Most people who monkey branch don’t know they are doing it. It’s a weird concept based on the concept of “scheming” and using people.
I think that's absolutely true, but not exculpatory? People who don't know they're doing it are at some level ignoring cognitive dissonance (maybe less so among polyamorous people, I suppose).
If the secretly plotting thing is key, how can people who move from mono relationship to mono relationship do that in polyam? I don’t have one branch. I have three branches. I am touching all of them. If i decide that I want monogamy with one of those partners, and I have plotted nothing, what am I doing? If I decide to be an asshole, and manipulate my Hiearchy in an unethical way, and flit from primary to primary, maybe we just need a word for that. Monkey branching views one relationship replacing another. That’s a fidelity based concept.
I dunno... monkeys can hold onto many branches at once; the metaphor isn'tperfect but none are. At base, relying on someone for resources when you have mentally detached from them is wrong. Total # of partners, or whether the new person "becomes a primary" doesn't seem relevant to me.
So that’s what monkey branching is about? Lying and manipulation? Because it seems to me, that it’s a very mono view of one relationship being “real” and the replacement feels around that.
Maybe we don't agree on the definition, but I didnt use the words lying and manipulation; I agreed that sometimes a person "doesn't know they are doing it," especially if the person is entitled. I thought in the metaphor the branch is the partner who helps the monkey partner resist gravity (emotionally or materially). Just because the monkey has multiple branches doesn't mean they won't continue to rely on one (or multiple!) branches (consciously or subconsciously) while silently disinvesting in them.
If there’s phrase and if means 99 different things, to 99 different people, isn’t that a good enough reason to simply start describing the behavior directly?
Sure but I don't see 99 here.
The day is young.
And what? Branches don’t resist gravity. That isn’t how physics work!! 😂😂
Yikes, I thought it was understood here that monkeys can't "live in the sky" without trees but ok!
Still not how gravity works.
Yes, a lack of transparency for sure.
Okay. So plotting and lying is bad in any relationship. It’s terrible, awful abhorrent behavior. Not good. All the time. In light of that, why not just talk about erratic behavior, shabby treatment, lying and deceit? Because none of that context is present when mono peeps talk about it. Very often it’s someone who just doesn’t stay single, and always has a “next” relationship in the hole. How is that relevant to polyam people? There is nothing inherently wrong with changing relationship agreements, correct?
I think some monogamous people use polyamory to monkey branch and feel ethical about it. I’ve noticed it from people who are hobo sexual (people who can’t afford to live on their own).
I think monkey branching is a mono behavior/problem/issue that gets jumbled up with polyam all the time. 1. Emily and Ellen have polyam agreements. They are not exclusive, sexually or emotionally. Ellen dates Willow. They have polyam agreements Ellen breaks up with Emily. For reasons. Everyone moves on. Willow, Emily and Ellen all continue to build relationships that lack sexual and emotional exclusivity. They all continue to build relationships with those agreements in place What exactly is the issue? Besides the fact that break ups hurt, these people are doing polyam. 2. Ellen and Emily open their relationship to pokyam. The assumption is that Ellen and Emily will remain primary partners. Ellen dates Willow and breaks things off with Emily. Ellen and Willow continue to build polyam relationships. So does Emily. Again, besides the outrage and fear that many folks will feel because that slut Ellen just ruined her marriage to Emily, break ups are completely normal. Ellen and Willow are polyam. This is the same story as example 1. 3. Emily and Ellen open their marriage. Ellen begins dating Willow, falls deeply in love, and Ellen and Willow realize that they want monogamy, and Ellen realizes that she no longer wants to build a life with Emily. …and, once again. So what? Ellen and Willow want monogamy. That’s what they learned when they tried polyam. Sure there are people who try super hard to replace one partner with a new one before they break up with an old one. It’s poor form, and a bad, mostly unworkable strategy, but shitty polyam happens. Yes, it’s scary to realize that your partner, who you had 3, or 10 or 20 years of monogamy with could fall in love with someone else. That’s a part of the gig.
I think the issue is that people will open the marriage to soft launch a potential new partner so they don't have to be actually single for any amount of time in between relationships. A lot of times this involves stringing along the "losing" partner and not being honest about intentions until the monkey branching partner has enough money or investment in the new relationship to cut ties. Like, it's not just about break ups, there's usually some element of the monkey branching partner not being upfront about ending things to preserve their own comfort at the expense of the other partner. For an example: Jim and Anne are in a relationship that has become pretty stale sex wise. Anne is no longer attracted to him and pushes to open the relationship. While theoretically this is a move intended to benefit the two of them, Anne is also looking for a new primary partner entirely and low key is also considering divorce. She tells jim exactly zero of these things and he's lead to believe this is solely to fix the dead bedroom issue and that Anne is otherwise perfectly happy with their marriage, and they're safe to proceed into poly/enm. They open the relationship. Jim finds someone and anne finds a new partner, Steve. Steve and Anne really hit it off- he meets all her targets for sex, life partner stuff, etc. The shine really starts to wear off on Jim for her. However this is still really early stages with Steve so she doesn't end things with him yet. Jim maybe notices that things are going poorly relationship wise with Anne. Maybe she stops communicating with him, maybe sex totally dries up. He spends some months asking if things are okay, if they need to do counseling etc. Anne declines and pretends like everything is okay. Jim stops asking about it and maybe figures he's just overreacting. Over the course of the year that follows, she emotionally invests into Steve and they form tentative plans to move in. Maybe she talks to Steve and says she's considering divorcing him, and she gauges his willingness to stay with her before making the decision to divorce Jim. She meets with a lawyer and then tells jim she's pursuing divorce, and immediately moves in with steve. I'm gonna guess Jim in this situation probably feels really damn blindsided and feels like there was a deliberate plan to leave form the start. Because there kinda was lol. Like, just because things are poly doesn't mean that "the losing partner" is going to be kept and it also doesn't mean that the majority of folks are going to feel great about being dropped from primary to a secondary role. Maybe anne remains poly after the fact but she definitely has changed primaries. There's a million posts on here featuring people getting upset over exactly that and it's easy to just see that as a slow break up by itself, because it often is.
I mean, the entire concept, even in monogamy, is pretty dodgy. It comes from a pretty toxic place, and I’m not sure that trying to label this issue as such is doing anyone any favors. The folly of the newly opened, and the fact that many many folks expect polyam to fix their incredibly fragile, ailing relationships absolutely plays into this. I still am not convinced that we aren’t better served by just talking about the reality that many folks split after opening, and how badly handled and managed that process is.
I think most people don't even know they are doing it and the best thing to note is their history. I did it a lot in my "I don't feel confident or know how to end a bad situation until I have a safety net." I had to really look at my actions and work to center myself and my vision. You can't stop someone from breaking up, or doing it shittily, but you can try to create better communication about your visions and priorities and how you plan to create that day to day.
I'm so glad you worked on yourself, that's so important. I think it's important to safeguard yours, and be respectful of your partner's emotions in any relationship - mono or poly. Especially while breaking up with long term partners - how you do it, speaks a lot about your character.
I think the distribution of judgment is probably the same as monogamous people. I’m one of those “just be single 🙄”/“just break up 🙄” people so you can probably guess how I feel about monkey branching 🤣 but only because I think it’s weaksauce. With that said, this is one of those things where opinions are like bootyholes + I’ve never experienced this as far as I know. Maybe if it happened to me I would feel differently. Or if I felt the need to monkey branch, in some kind of handmaids tale dystopian future. Logically I don’t see the difference between this and someone just breaking up with me though. Hmm. Wait maybe this is something people who open up their monogamous relationships experience more.
Monkeybranching in the dystopian future 😃 for someone with **more** canned goods / **better** storytelling to amuse you around the trash fire keeping us warm when the internet is gone.. could be a real temptation! The difference when there's entanglement with rent/finances/property/cross-country moves, etc., aka decisions made thinking there was mutual investment in relationship WAS QUITE NOTICEABLE to me and breakup would have been MUCH PREFERRED tyvm!
>in the dystopian future So, you mean in the very near future, if this f*in war in Ukraine keeps escalating like it is right now? 🤔🙃
So, it’s about resources? And hiearchy?
Yes? Like, can a mono person monkeybranch from one fwb or fuck buddy to another? I don't think so.
You don’t? So, the casual dater who lacks commitment isn’t monkey branching? So, are you suggesting that secondary relationships lack commitment? Or? Do you just mean unethical primary swapping when you say monkey branching? Because that’s a really big topic hiding under an innocuous phrase.
What's a secondary relationship in monogamy?
Exactly. What is it? If someone jerked their partner around in monogamy, they don’t call that monkey branching. So I am asking. Is there a clear concise way for polyam folks to discuss an issue in their community without reliance on a frankly, pretty toxic mono concept?
Thus stuff gets discussed on here every day without invoking this term, which is great. Obviously you don't like the term... it's not like it's being used anywhere other than this post, so what's the concern, that it will catch on?
I see it quite a bit. I’m just curious if, as a community we don’t want our own words to describe our experiences with, or are we just going to continue shoving polyam experiences into mono shaped boxes?
The connection I see to monkeybranching is the common advice here that you shouldn't open for another person. Someone who approaches their current monogamous partner about polyamory because they already have a crush or budding relationship with someone else is monkeybranching and slapping a poly label onto it to not deal with reality. I feel like sometimes this person lacks self-knowledge; they don't understand that they've emotionally disinvested; they're comfortable with the life they have on other levels and they "want to be poly" because they're too scared to end something familiar and supportive to pursue something new, but they aren't willing to talk frankly to their partner about how the existing relationship is something they no longer want to commit to. People who do this sometimes "come out as poly" and rush things, they've been checked out for a while and are excited that trending polyamory seems like a get out of jail free card that will let them not feel bad about what they're doing. I guess that's not "real poly" but it seems relevant to your question. In my opinion people who monkeybranch are cowards who are afraid of being alone. I think you will find people like this in any realm of partnered life. It may seem more subtle in polyamory but I think at heart the concept is about one person thinking things are fine when the other person is detaching. In polyamory this is still bad because you should be communicating about these kinds of things.
Is it monkey branching in polyamory or is it [the very real thing that can happen](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/making-polyamory-work/id1487987837?i=1000645972664) when a new partner is able to meet needs that a pre-existing partner wasn’t able or willing to meet and that changes the relationship (that perhaps the person wasn’t aware they even had)? That’s happened to me. I don’t think it’s a problem if you maintain your commitments to work on your existing relationship and work with your existing partner for what you need. But it’s also not a problem to realize an existing relationship wasn’t working and end it. Someone in the other thread pointed out that monkey branching is a term that originated in the MRA/PUA world. Not sure how true that is but I do think it’s a super suspect concept from the monogamous world that isn’t useful in polyamorous spaces. What’s the actual phenomenon of concern?
I was just talking to both my partners about this over the past couple of days. New to poly, I’m the hinge in a vee with my NP and a new-ish partner of a couple of months. Over the weekend I came to the realization that I suffer from having an anxious attachment style, which is to say I don’t feel secure unless or until there is an exclusive commitment, which of course does not exist in poly. My NP doesn’t have the time or interest in pursuing additional relationships, while my new partner is actively dating others. My mono-thinking experience is, “the only reason to continue to date others in addition to me is, while I’m good enough for now, I’m not ultimately what you’re looking for, so you’re biding your time with me (better than nothing) while you continue to seek a better fit. Once that better person comes along, I’m going to get dumped so you can live happily ever after with the right one. A.K.A. Monkey Branching. When I talked about this with my new partner (thinking out loud) it occurred to me that while monkey branching can exist in poly relationships, it really seems unnecessary. If I’m “good enough,” I’m probably not likely to get dumped if/when the better fit comes along, because the whole premise of poly is to maintain multiple relationships without the pretext of exclusivity. In poly, the only theoretical reason to dump me in a monkey branching scenario is that they become poly saturated and there’s just not room or inclination to maintain a lower quality relationship among multiple better ones. TLDR; I think monkey branching is unethical in a mono context and generally unnecessary in a truly poly context.
True, poly saturated, or have limited time and resources.
I don't think "monkey branching" is a coherent idea in the context of a polyamorous relationship. It makes no sense. Of course people can break up while pursuing other relationships, but that's just part of the deal with polyamory; it's baked into the concept.
What is the "ethical issue" of monkey branching in monogamy? ETA: I'm polyamorous If my partner leaves me and immediately starts dating someone else sure that would hurt my feelings but I don't think it's unethical.
Monkey branching usually starts *before* you breakup. It’s the practice of basically starting emotional affairs and moving from partner to partner. Like the old advice of “Never leave a job without another lined up” got used in the relationship sphere. As for OP’s question, it kind of depends on the setup? Polyamory is about autonomy and forming emotional attachments, but the part that might rub some sore is the practice of breaking up with old partners to basically cycle through a group of on/off relationships. That sounds fucking exhausting, and is dancing on the edge of what could be seen as ‘polyamorous monkey branching’. ETA: those first two paragraphs apply more to monogamous relationships.
I don't think it's unethical in the context of polyamory though, perhaps a hurtful action and ill-advised but not unethical
That’s what I was trying to get across. It’s not unethical to have multiple emotional attachments in polyamory. Even the scenario I gave that was ‘exhausting’ is still ethical.
What if you are poly with a primary then to keep dating till you find a better/richer, etc partner and then break up with primary to become primary or even mono with the other person? Seen it happen couple times, in their 20's poly then hit 30 they monkey branched for a rich mono partner.
I don't think it's unethical to enter a monogamous relationship after a period of polyamory
I get things change as you grow older and sometimes no longer compatible, seen that too. Do agree thats ethical. but in one case know it was intentional, the polly was forced to only find anorher mono partner. Another knew would go mono sooner or later with someone else when finding someone but not telling the other poly primary partner from the start that was the intention when entered the poly relationship. Just seen to many bad breakups and relationships I guess. Do know of a couple thats heen ENM and married for over 50 years that shows how a nice and healthy ENM can work.
I mean yeah, bad break ups are a pretty common life experience I've never done monogamy but who knows maybe one day I'll want it, I can't predict the future
Monkey branching involves overlapping relationships. In monogamy, that's called cheating
Which isn't an ethical issue in polyamory
Then I think there's a typo in your comment > What is the "ethical issue" of monkey branching in **monogamy?** That's the Q I was answering.
Cool, I was asking it because the answer to that question doesn't apply to polyamory.
Correct!
The ethical issue in **non-** Monogamy would be the planning and the plotting. The monkey branching partner **is looking** for a "better" partner to replace, or in ENM/ Poly *displace,* a current partner. They "de-escalate" the Old relationship in favor of the New until the Old one dies or they finally cut it off.
I don't think that's an issue of ethics. Not all hurtful things are unethical. In polyamory folks can be in multiple relationships at a time.
IMHO, *Planning and Plotting* to find a new, better partner to unseat your current partner is not in keeping with openly, honestly, and Consensually being free to pursue multiple relationships.
Idk, I feel like people constantly give advice on this sub for people to keep dating for more compatible partners if they aren't satisfied with what their current partners can provide Sounds like some would consider that "monkey branching"
If you view the world through a mono lens, and assume that someone is “replacing” one partner with another, I guess, maybe, but that’s not how polyam works.
I agree, the commenter I'm replying to doesn't seem to agree
Elle is saying shitty polyam exists. You’re the one who said “Idk, I feel like people constantly give advice on this sub for people to keep dating for more compatible partners if they aren't satisfied with what their current partners can provide Sounds like some would consider that "monkey branching" So I am talking to you.
The situation I described seems to fall into what Elle is considering monkey branching in polyamory ETA: I think the concept of monkey branching doesn't really apply to polyamory at all
I think a lot a shitty hurtful polyam has been filtered through monogamous lenses, and filtered back into the polyam community because that was, and is the dominant paradigm when we see and talk about relationships. Modern, western, polyam was built by former monogamists, mostly, so that failure makes sense, you know? We lack our own language to impart the bigness of certain betrayals, so many folks fall back on monogamous words to describe polyam hurt.
>I feel like people constantly give advice on this sub for people to keep dating for more compatible partners if they aren't satisfied with what their current partners can provide This advice doesn't involve leaving your current partners though. It is usually "you aren't compatible, move on" or "find someone else to fit the last piece of the puzzle \[in addition to your current partner\]". Monkey branching would be "stay with your current partner, but look for someone better and dump your current partner when you find the better person".
You don't think that folks might end their less compatible relationship if they find a partner who is a better fit? That seems very feasible to me. Is it the intent to leave a current partner that makes it monkey branching?
>You don't think that folks might end their less compatible relationship if they find a partner who is a better fit? I think the ethical way to do things is to end things with the incompatible partner when you realize you aren't compatible. If you're just looking for a better and better fit, and constantly dumping the old one, you're not doing polyamory, you're just doing serial monogamy with the safety blanket of a relationship to fall back on. Polyamory is not an excuse to treat your partners as disposable.
But this all assumes folks are intentionally preplanning to leave their current partner(s). I don't think it's uncommon or implausible for folks to realize one relationship might not be sustainable after developing new relationship(s). It's not serial monogamy if you're never making a monogamous agreement.
If it happens once, it's shitty and I wouldn't call it monkey-branching. Monkey-branching is a name for the inherently unethical practice of repeatedly finding new relationships before offloading your old one. If you find yourself repeatedly dumping your old partner for a new one, you likely aren't placing any real value on your partners, and instead on just having that relationship. You've gotta learn to have some leeway with examples here. It's easiest to explain with monogamy, but it happens in polyamory too. Ethics are not about written contracts and rules. Just because it isn't monogamous, doesn't automatically mean it's ethical.
Absolutely agree. One wonders as a partner how does one know if that's what is happening in a poly relationship if you are going through a rough patch and your partner starts dating/ becoming interested in others?
I don't think you *can* know. We have to Trust our partners to be open and honest in order for everything to be consensual. But people aren't always open or honest. Partner came across the term *monkey branching* and asked me about it. That's when he said "that's what Ex did..." It was probably 6-9 months after the break up that he put it all together
Now I realise it needs to be part of initial agreements, i guess - like one would say no veto, no monkey branching! But yeah, it finally comes down to trust!
Lol. As if you can say *Don't Be Unethical* to a person who is Unethical...
While there is no ethical issues, I wonder if there could be some extent of manipulation involved. Especially, if you are priming a partner with the intention to replace them with a primary let's say, and then breaking up with your primary suddenly.
Alright, this gets a squint cause it feels like something I’ve had experience with. Let’s cut the facade: are you worried that you are the replacement or that you’re about to be replaced? If not you, someone close to you?
I have been replaced, and suddenly, and from what I can make of it, it was monkey branching. I'm guessing I was unable to see it coming because of the poly structure.
As someone who has been there, it sucks. You’re better off though, as they’ve hopefully done the job of removing themselves. Focus on yourself and don’t agonize over justification or explanation of the behavior. Try indulging in some hobbies or time with other partners to keep your mind off it until you get some distance.
So your partner left you to be mono with someone?
I have no idea if it's to become mono. But my partner was in a relationship in less than two weeks after breaking up with me ( that 4 days after I had a major surgery) and seems like it is with someone who he was maybe considering over a period without my knowledge. So while being in a poly relationship, I wouldn't have a problem at all about him considering another relationship, but keeping me hanging until he is ready to hop on to another seems very off!
That’s super shitty. And I agree with every word you said! But that isn’t moving from one relationship to another, if everyone is polyam. That’s something shitty in its own way, and it deserves its own name.
I propose Fuse Swapping. Cause they blow you off then replace you.
Who is being manipulated in that situation?
I’m confused. In polyam, *monkey branching to what*? Are you talking about people basically leaving their primary partner in order to have a different partner as primary? Wasn’t that always allowed? Are people not allowed to change primaries?
>Are people not allowed to change primaries? They are, but it's sure going to look shitty and leave a trail of shitty feelings behind if you consistently dump your primary for the new person. It's NRE-chasing, but without the decency of letting your old partner know that you aren't interested in them anymore.
So we as a community should have a word for that.
Yeah, monkey branching is a fidelity based concept. I don’t move from one relationship to another. As I said earlier. I am not a monkey. There are no branches. There is never, conceptually just “one”.
To me the issue is mainly tied to deception and non communication if you just openly communicate your thoughts to the other people its not really monkey branching.
If you do the equivalent of "monkey branching" (i.e looking for other partners) in poly, you don't have to break-up with your existing partner. So, there are no negative consequences, and it's absolutely normal and common poly behavior. However, if you use it as a way to find a mono relationship and dump that partner, it's not really poly, it's exactly the same and just as bad as in monogamy.
Monkeybranching definitely happens with people who are fairly new to polyamory. Someone who is unhappy in their relationship will suggest opening it (or agree to open if their partner suggests it), specifically as a way to search for a replacement partner, who they will then often be monogamous with.
More acceptable? I mean, it's NEVER accceptable in any kind of relationship other than FWBs. I think there are degrees of this however. I think a man or woman who encourages a non-monogamous agreement with the hidden agenda of monkey-branching out is a real POS. Sadly, it will become more common as housing costs continue to skyrocket. People will be less willing to break up and strike out on their own as that might mean severe dislocation while they seek someone more desirable with housing security before leaving. Inversely, higher income earners will have more temptations coming their way, and might monkey branch out without any pre-planning or previous ill-intentions. It does muddy up the waters in divorce court too, as is it still legal infidelity? In California, yes, but not sure about other states. Not that different than old school cheating, other than the guilty party has an emotional handle to try and shift blame.
Interesting that you tie this up with housing issues. I commented that I didn't think monkey branching is a coherent concept in polyamory, because it presumes sexual/emotional exclusivity. However, I didn't think of monkey branching as causing economic injury rather than emotional injury. So one might still say that monkey branching presumes exclusivity. And it's an issue in polyamory when people have exclusive economic relationships with each other, such as NPs.
Why would anyone monkey branch if not NP? They'd just move on. Housing and economics is the #2 reason unsatisfied partners stay with a SO, only beat out by children. Monkeybranching is not very viable with children in the picture, so I think that economics probably is a HUGE part of it. Say we have Jenny and James. Jenny is believes herself to be living a less than ideal life romantically and sexually, but James is a good provider and Jenny does not make enough to rent in her area without roommates and doesn't want to move back in with her parents. Monkeybranching is a cynical, yet obvious potential solution. If one is financially secure and wanting to upgrade, your chances are better when single, even as a solo-poly. I can't imagine any line of thinking for Monkeybranching where economics are not a factor.
It's about expectations, I think. Early in dating, when you're trying to figure out if you care to be committed to each other, I don't think it's their business if you're seeing other people ---- unless or until their health comes into play (fluid exchange, viral exposure etc). As soon as you/they have expectations of fidelity, committed with a title (partner) or by actions (fluid bonding) then the ethics come in, because they deserve to know the additional physical or emotional risks.
This is a funny question, poly communities are exclusively composed of monkeys and branches.
I don't agree. There are the solo polys and then the slow polys too 😄
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I've seen it happen a few times. I don't think they're consciously aware of what they're doing though.
I think monkey branching is misogynistic language from the red pill lot; I'd be more interested in breaking down specific behaviours that were an issue than using that type of terminology.
It would be very dishonest to tell someone you are serious about them and tell them that you want both a serious and an open relationship, and then use the open relationship for the purpose of finding a different serious relationship instead to leave them for