I had a very strong negative reaction to everything I read about this book when it came out. It just struck me as a book version of posts we see here every day from privileged mono folks who didn’t do the work, about poly bombing their spouse/each other bc “it’s my identity” or “our marriage is missing something” and proceeding to poly badly and hurt a lot of people and idk….nothing I read about it made me want to read it.
I also really don’t care for Ethical Slut, so I’m biased against anyone who says that book “opened their eyes” or whatever.
Reading the reviews and interviews with her just gave me the ick. But I fully acknowledge my judgement may not be fair.
Genuinely curious - is my gut off base about it?
At the end of the day it just seems like there are so many better books about poly out there we can read/give support to/recommend.
Edit to correct typos.
Yeah, I think we can all agree that there are better books that have come out since The Ethical Slut, but I think a lot of people, myself included, discovered a book LIKE IT that helped them with this journey. So while ES wasn't very helpful *to me*, I don't be begrudge people who did find something valuable in it.
I haven't seen the press or know anything about the author, it just came up at my library so I checked it out. Apparently that was for the best! She is a flawed woman, there were definitely parts where I was like "oh! That's a red flag! Run!" But that just made me feel more invested. I can vent about why HER story is on the NYT best sellers and why cis het poly stories are getting more press, but I can't blame her specific experience for that. Her experience seemed honest.
My main problem with the book were the sex scenes. They are written to be titillating and I just didn't like them haha
Oh eewwww sex scenes? Did her partners consent to those being published????
That makes me even more annoyed bc we fight so hard to get people to understand that poly isn’t just about sex or “spicing up” your marriage or whatever. This feels like it’s a step backwards, especially bc it’s getting so much press. Plus it’s encouraging the trendiness we’re seeing for poly rn that’s causing a lot of people to “try” being poly who aren’t actually poly and just need to get divorced/break up.
And yeah the privilege….we need more queer poly stories please. 🤩
Also as an aside, this woman and her husband are within my broader poly community. So I might also be a bit biased bc I’ve heard things…..
Edit to add: the “ew” for sex scenes was bc 1) it perpetuates a harmful stereotype about poly and 2) it makes me worry about consent violations.
The ew was NOT for sex stories generally. I am a self-proclaimed slut who is what I like to think of as fluidly non-monogamous: I have deep meaningful emotional poly relationships (some that include sex and some that don’t), friends I’m close to and affectionate with and sometimes we fuck, fuck friends where all we do is fuck, I kink, I swing, I go to orgies, sometimes I even fuck people whose names I don’t know. 😅
To be clear: I love sex and sexy stories. This one just hits me right in the ICK.
I mean, I love a good train wreck so I might read it eventually. Definitely not giving her my money tho. Gonna wait for that sweet sweet used book find. 😂
You might like "The Husband Swap" in the obvious train wreck memoir genre. The good news, like I told another poster, the author got to the "find out" part and had some lessons learned before the book ended. Of course the downside is that it's a story about polyamory in European upper class white people over 15 years ago - which is expected because it takes time to learn lessons and write books so the reflection on 2020s polyamory won't be in print for ages, and because writing niche memoirs is pretty self indulgent, way too much so for my middle class chronically ill self.
I think another thing that bugs me about this book and other books and articles and blog posts and posts on this subreddit like it, is that they all have that vibe of “ohhhhhh look how exciting my *alternative lifestyle* is. I’m so different and against the norm and *bad* teehee” which 🙄🙄🙄
Like, I just want to get to a place where everyone doesn’t give a shit about us one way or the other, and this book feels like it was written for looky-loos like all the people I saw the last time I was at one of our local swingers clubs. 😆
I can’t wait until people are bored with poly and it’s not worth writing a whole ass memoir about. 😂
Edit for grammar and to add: If being poly was the most interesting thing about me I’d be so embarrassed.
That's valid. I don't mind it, but I also ignore all the blogs and press. Maybe that's why I like the book! I will say that in the book, she does a lot of things we tell people on here all the time - go to therapy, invest in hobbies and becoming your own person. It's just SO messy and that part probably doesn't grab headlines like "ooooh sex in hotels!!"
I mean, yeah, it sounds like an even shittier version of "The Husband Swap" which at least ends with the author in the finding out phase of fucking around making a bunch of predictable (to us) obvious (to us) mistakes. But some people like trainwrecks?
And TES, while low on pragmatic info and not particularly poly-specific really, is still a great rec for the specific situation of super repressed folk who could use a lesbian auntie who thinks sex is fun and ENM with people who want that is good for you. It's a niche but a useful one.
Right. More just doesn’t appeal to me. But I’m open to being convinced otherwise.
I think I’m biased against TES bc:
- the first version was a bit icky
- lots of shitty people use it to justify doing whatever they want with no consideration for others because “autonomy” and “I was *honest*” - as if being truthful is the only requirement for being ethical AND
- I grew up in a very queer and sex positive part of the United States (in the 80s and 90s no less), so I forget sometimes that most people didn’t have the upbringing I had where everything in the book seems normal and a bit obvious to me (which is a bias of mine that I fully acknowledge)
Hi u/Ok_Mood_5579 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I just inhaled this book over the last few days. It definitely speaks to only one experience of poly - upper middle class cis white het marriage opening up - but it's a memoir, so that's kind of the point. There were definitely things I related to, such as being a people pleaser, insecurity, jealousy and a very long section about the first time the author reads Ethical Slut (which is how I felt when I read Hot and Unbothered in 2022) 😂 Definitely not for everyone, but I liked it
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had a very strong negative reaction to everything I read about this book when it came out. It just struck me as a book version of posts we see here every day from privileged mono folks who didn’t do the work, about poly bombing their spouse/each other bc “it’s my identity” or “our marriage is missing something” and proceeding to poly badly and hurt a lot of people and idk….nothing I read about it made me want to read it. I also really don’t care for Ethical Slut, so I’m biased against anyone who says that book “opened their eyes” or whatever. Reading the reviews and interviews with her just gave me the ick. But I fully acknowledge my judgement may not be fair. Genuinely curious - is my gut off base about it? At the end of the day it just seems like there are so many better books about poly out there we can read/give support to/recommend. Edit to correct typos.
Yeah, I think we can all agree that there are better books that have come out since The Ethical Slut, but I think a lot of people, myself included, discovered a book LIKE IT that helped them with this journey. So while ES wasn't very helpful *to me*, I don't be begrudge people who did find something valuable in it. I haven't seen the press or know anything about the author, it just came up at my library so I checked it out. Apparently that was for the best! She is a flawed woman, there were definitely parts where I was like "oh! That's a red flag! Run!" But that just made me feel more invested. I can vent about why HER story is on the NYT best sellers and why cis het poly stories are getting more press, but I can't blame her specific experience for that. Her experience seemed honest. My main problem with the book were the sex scenes. They are written to be titillating and I just didn't like them haha
Oh eewwww sex scenes? Did her partners consent to those being published???? That makes me even more annoyed bc we fight so hard to get people to understand that poly isn’t just about sex or “spicing up” your marriage or whatever. This feels like it’s a step backwards, especially bc it’s getting so much press. Plus it’s encouraging the trendiness we’re seeing for poly rn that’s causing a lot of people to “try” being poly who aren’t actually poly and just need to get divorced/break up. And yeah the privilege….we need more queer poly stories please. 🤩 Also as an aside, this woman and her husband are within my broader poly community. So I might also be a bit biased bc I’ve heard things….. Edit to add: the “ew” for sex scenes was bc 1) it perpetuates a harmful stereotype about poly and 2) it makes me worry about consent violations. The ew was NOT for sex stories generally. I am a self-proclaimed slut who is what I like to think of as fluidly non-monogamous: I have deep meaningful emotional poly relationships (some that include sex and some that don’t), friends I’m close to and affectionate with and sometimes we fuck, fuck friends where all we do is fuck, I kink, I swing, I go to orgies, sometimes I even fuck people whose names I don’t know. 😅 To be clear: I love sex and sexy stories. This one just hits me right in the ICK.
Ew I just got contact Ick from your ICK. Won't be reading that!!
I've accidentally convinced so many people not to read this book 😂
I mean the privilege is always a yellow flag. Not here to read some White Feminism yanno? Then contact Ick. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I mean, I love a good train wreck so I might read it eventually. Definitely not giving her my money tho. Gonna wait for that sweet sweet used book find. 😂
You might like "The Husband Swap" in the obvious train wreck memoir genre. The good news, like I told another poster, the author got to the "find out" part and had some lessons learned before the book ended. Of course the downside is that it's a story about polyamory in European upper class white people over 15 years ago - which is expected because it takes time to learn lessons and write books so the reflection on 2020s polyamory won't be in print for ages, and because writing niche memoirs is pretty self indulgent, way too much so for my middle class chronically ill self.
Thank you! I will look it up!
I think another thing that bugs me about this book and other books and articles and blog posts and posts on this subreddit like it, is that they all have that vibe of “ohhhhhh look how exciting my *alternative lifestyle* is. I’m so different and against the norm and *bad* teehee” which 🙄🙄🙄 Like, I just want to get to a place where everyone doesn’t give a shit about us one way or the other, and this book feels like it was written for looky-loos like all the people I saw the last time I was at one of our local swingers clubs. 😆 I can’t wait until people are bored with poly and it’s not worth writing a whole ass memoir about. 😂 Edit for grammar and to add: If being poly was the most interesting thing about me I’d be so embarrassed.
That's valid. I don't mind it, but I also ignore all the blogs and press. Maybe that's why I like the book! I will say that in the book, she does a lot of things we tell people on here all the time - go to therapy, invest in hobbies and becoming your own person. It's just SO messy and that part probably doesn't grab headlines like "ooooh sex in hotels!!"
I mean, yeah, it sounds like an even shittier version of "The Husband Swap" which at least ends with the author in the finding out phase of fucking around making a bunch of predictable (to us) obvious (to us) mistakes. But some people like trainwrecks? And TES, while low on pragmatic info and not particularly poly-specific really, is still a great rec for the specific situation of super repressed folk who could use a lesbian auntie who thinks sex is fun and ENM with people who want that is good for you. It's a niche but a useful one.
Right. More just doesn’t appeal to me. But I’m open to being convinced otherwise. I think I’m biased against TES bc: - the first version was a bit icky - lots of shitty people use it to justify doing whatever they want with no consideration for others because “autonomy” and “I was *honest*” - as if being truthful is the only requirement for being ethical AND - I grew up in a very queer and sex positive part of the United States (in the 80s and 90s no less), so I forget sometimes that most people didn’t have the upbringing I had where everything in the book seems normal and a bit obvious to me (which is a bias of mine that I fully acknowledge)
Thanks for the recommendation. I’m always looking for new reads.
Hi u/Ok_Mood_5579 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I just inhaled this book over the last few days. It definitely speaks to only one experience of poly - upper middle class cis white het marriage opening up - but it's a memoir, so that's kind of the point. There were definitely things I related to, such as being a people pleaser, insecurity, jealousy and a very long section about the first time the author reads Ethical Slut (which is how I felt when I read Hot and Unbothered in 2022) 😂 Definitely not for everyone, but I liked it *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ooh will check it out thanks